Letter From Your Editors

Hello daily doubles!

Yes, this is a combo Insider for November/December — a situation which ideally will never reoccur but nonetheless is clearly occurring at present. The reason for this is that November was entirely consumed by an intense move which included a long drive and then the top of December was a lot of crashing and finding a new place to live and now it’s unpacking! But listen we’re all here now:

We are now mere days away from the end of 2017, every day continuing to be full of its own beautiful and/or (more often) dark magic. It’s almost over, y’all. It’s almost fucking over.

This is the deepest blue, talking, Maggie Nelson writes in “Bluets.” A feeling I have felt, torpedoing into 2017 on January 1st in a fitting scene: drunk and cold in a small black dress, rushing out of a party and out onto a dark rainy street in Portland and shortly thereafter, sobbing on an air mattress in child’s pose while my friend Courtney ran her fingertips up and down my back and said I know, I know. This year has felt at times like wading through the deepest blue, like yes, I know, I know, like even joy and love and incredible bursts of good fortune were shot on a soundstage splayed against some type of thrumming, pitted navy blue. And in the wings, that threat of paunchy orange skin, its gaping mouth always open, fake teeth bared.

Life is tough all over, is a thing my Mom used to whip out as a hyperbolic response to our childhood protestations over small injustices like being asked to clean our rooms or eat an apple instead of a cookie. But that line came up again and again for me this year as an ultimate truth, not hyperbolic at all. This team has been through it — messy heartbreaks and breakups including actual divorces, the deaths of humans and beloved animals, frightening surgeries, health scares, crushing mental breakdowns. Then, over all of it: the daily tragicomedy of our current President and This F*cking Country. The terror of being ruled by a man who condones racism, sexual assault, anti-immigrant racism, sexism, anti-Semitisim and lies constantly, committed to oppressing the most oppressed above all else. Then, also. also. also.: white supremacists with tiki torches, devastating wildfires, floods and storms, incomprehensibly deadly shootings, and a finale in which a certain number of predatory men are being outed for what they are and how they have harmed us. A year of figuring out what it means to resist, a year of humility and panic, a year that seemed impossible until it turned out that it was in fact entirely possible, because here it is and here we still are. A year that brought tragedy in spades but reminded us of what and why and who we love, too.

Of course I woke up mid-morning on January 1st and got straight down to the business of crying, again. But please don’t write again to tell me how you have woken up weeping, Maggie Nelson writes. I already know you are in love with your weeping. I went downstairs and Cee had all these friends over, and there was food and a Christmas tree and presents and kindness and generosity and all those things that keep us going and before long my eyes weren’t as puffy as they’d been.

This is the first year since starting Autostraddle that I haven’t done much creative writing at all — it felt, often, like all I had in me were things that felt entirely separate from me. The bad stuff was too hard to write down and the good stuff I needed to keep close to my chest. So instead I did these lists of jokes or work that required incredible, painstaking, detail-oriented research, the kinds of projects uniquely suited to a girl living alone in the country with only one good friend in a 20-mile radius of her home. I built an enormous database of every lesbian and bisexual woman from history and another of every LGBT female and trans TV character ever, and every show they were on. This puts us in a great spot to plow into what I anticipate to be an even more exciting 2018 on television, and has already enabled me to whip out herstory posts more rapidly. But now this house thing is out of the way and I’ve made my way back to California, where I have so many friends nearby and a great girlfriend and Erin and I just signed a lease and I can walk to the grocery store and look, I’m ready to get down to it. BRING IT ON, 2018.

All year we’ve been swimming through molasses, and maybe adjusting to the new normal is a kind of reluctant acceptance that we’re going to have to walk, that there is no tenable river we can skate away on. The river is what the river is. Maybe we lower our expectations, prepare ourselves for chaos as the only constant, and find redemption in whatever comes. Even though I know it wasn’t my best year as a writer, I worked my ass off and so did all of us and I’m proud of my team, and the incredible work they did and the new voices that have had a chance to shine, and the increasing diversity of viewpoints we’re bringing to you. There have been challenges, and there will be more (AHEM like four new LGBTQ publications from deep-pocketed companies popping up and garnering fawning praise for producing the same stuff we’ve been doing for years BUT I DIGRESS!), but dammit we’re hanging in there.

Here’s to whatever the hell happens next and whatever we will become, together. Here’s to y’all for sticking with us even when we got stuck. And here’s to whatever shows up, right out of the blue.

Love,

Riese

Co-signed by Laneia / Rachel / Yvonne / Heather

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Top 10 Most Popular Posts From October 2017

These posts were hella popular in October.

1. Gal Gadot and Kate McKinnon Sure Did Make Out on “Saturday Night Live,” by Heather Hogan
2. What You’re Flagging With Your La Croix Flavor, by Erin Sullivan
3. Autostraddle Feelings Atrium: Sara Ramirez in This Suit and Suspenders With a Pocket Chain Around Your Heart, by Carmen Phillips
4. Satellite of Love: Queer Horoscopes for October 2017, by Corrina
5. Is There Something Queer About Being Single? (Narrator: There Is Not.), by Stef
6. Sunday Funday Is Also Losing It Over Kate McKinnon’s “Vanity Fair” Double Denim, by Alaina
7. These Two Factors Make You More Likely To Be Into Non-Monogamy, by Carolyn
8. No Filter: Stephanie Beatriz Is Engaged and It’s Not to Gaby Dunn, by Stef
9. 7 Comfy, Queer Things I Can’t Wait to Snuggle Up in This Fall, by Emily Browne
10. 3 Tips for Mastering Button-Down Shirts When You’re Busty, by Doreen Pierre

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Top 10 Most Popular Posts From November 2017

These posts were hella popular in November.

1. Ellen Page Was Outed and Sexually Assaulted by Men in Hollywood, Is Ready for the Reckoning, by Heather Hogan
2. Sara Ramirez’s Kat Sandoval Is Even Gayer Than We Imagined On Her First Episode of “Madam Secretary,” by Carmen Phillips
3. Satellite of Love: Queer Horoscopes for November 2017, by Corrina
4. I Met My Sperm Donor’s Mom and It Changed Everything, by Sydney
5. Straight People Watch: Fall 2K17, by Erin Sullivan
6. Excuse Me, Did True Blood’s Rutina Wesley Just Come Out By Announcing Her Gay Engagement On Instagram?, by Heather Hogan
7. 29 Slightly Melodramatic Fears and Insecurities of a Baby Dyke, by Zo Watt
8. Also.Also.Also: ‘The L Word’ Reboot Has Its Showrunner and It’s Not You and Other Stories for Your Short Week, by Laneia
9. Autostraddle’s Ultimate Team Holigay Gift Guide 2017: Everything We Want Besides World Peace and Impeachment, by the Team
10. “Do Fingers Count?” Vulvodynia, Medical Heteronormativity and Me, by Anon

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Nine Important Excerpts From Editorial Conversations

Laneia: is “Let’s Make Cheese Boards and Never Leave the House Again” a title
or is it a tweet
:thinking_face:
Riese: it’s a title
it’s a movement, really
Laneia: that’s true
it’s noble and true

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Alexis: has everyone seen rihanna & nerds new music video?
im trying to be mette towley’s boo
Carmen: I posted this in the links roundup, but it deserves discussion in the fam channel
Alexis: disregard but not the part about me trying to be mette’s boo
that still stands
Carmen: I want Rihanna to shave and caress my head, that still stands as well.
Alexis: RIGHT???
i mean any other opening to a music video kinda pales in comparison for me now
like but did rihanna shave your head & caress it tho?
then does it really count as impressive?
no no it does not
Carmen: 100% in agreement.
I watched the opening alone like 4 or 5 times
Vanessa: I watched that video and now I’m gay

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Heather: sarah, i also just want to say how impressed i am by the sheer variety of graphics you’ve made for the holigays! cheese boards and those illustrations for molly and the merch and the gift guides. all unique and gorgeous! i’m always so proud to put them on instagram!
ANYWAY happy carolmas day 8, sarah sarwar.
Sarah: Aww :heartpulse::heartpulse: happy Carolmas to you!!
Heather Hogan!
Heather: :dobby:
Sarah: We should form an alliterative alliance
Heather: oh we sure should
me and you and every other character in harry potter

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Yvonne: omg this haunted gift guide is hilarious
i’m surprised we don’t have a ghost tag or haunted tag
Laneia: or cheese!
how did we get this far
Rachel: so many areas in which we can improve in 2018
Yvonne: instead of new years resolutions it’s like tags we will create in 2018
Rachel: right
coverage we’re redoubling our commitment to in 2018
cheese, hauntings

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Sarah: hey reneice!!
i heard you’re gonna be on gibwk!
was wondering if you could send me a picture of yourself in which one or both of your shoulders and the top of your head are showing
very specific! but it’s like
Reneice: So like aerial view?
Sarah: hahahha
NO
ok hold on
Reneice: Hahahaha I’m so confused
Sarah: laoloool
i’m really laughing whew
Reneice: :joy::joy:
Sarah: basically a portrait style photo
Reneice: Aaaaaaaah
Sarah: but i need at least one of your shoulders and the top of your head NOT CUT OFF is what i should have said
omg
hahaha
“showing” hey reneice can you get a pic of you from a drone
Reneice: Lmao
I was like the top of my head and at least a shoulder….uuuuh is there a new game show element of this that I wasn’t aware of?
Sarah: the top of your head
Reneice: Nailed it:
Sarah: AHAHHAHA
I LOVE YOU
RENEICE
i was still laughing when you sent this
Reneice: Hahahahaha
This was the best part of today for sure
Sarah: SAME
Reneice: i will look through my pics tonight and send what you actually need lol
Sarah: LAWL oh shit. i have tears
i am literally this emoji :joy:
Reneice: “and now, it’s time for Kristin to play ‘guess that fro’ on GIBWK!”
Sarah: hahahhaha
that elusive and specific game
Reneice: Lmfao

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Laneia: Heather could do a roundup of bobbi pictures, that would sell
Rachel: you know what I want to read, but not write
is a list of the totally bananas news stories we all didn’t even notice this year because everything has been so terrible all the time
Laneia: yes
Rachel: like you know at one point somebody drove an escalade into the front of an arby’s and then ended up marrying the manager there six months later
and we have no idea
Laneia: i had to google it
Riese: top 10 cats you monsters loved
Laneia: yes i would read that
top 17 cats
Laneia: top 10 aaa headlines i didn’t use
Riese: top 10 opinions i elected not to share
for A+
Laneia: omg that would be amazing
a lil’ career suicide before the new year
Riese: just tank this whole ship for the entire crew just in time for new years
Yvonne: we all need a break anyways
Riese: ’twas nice knowing you, i am problematic, goodnight

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Carly: merch idea: mommi wine glasses. you’re welcome.
Alaina: wine glass coozies that say mommi
Stef: just mommi wine
mommi cabernet
it can come wearing a tiny mommi t shirt for wine bottles
Valerie: i saw mommi kissing mrs. clause
wine
Stef: DONE
Molly: can the coozie double for seltzer cans

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Sarah: thanks Stef for commenting. i wish i had the persuasion of Vanessa to get this ball rolling but not all of us can be literal angels. so my plea is just human, just desperate. i would be so elated if there were some more comments on this post! wee!
Valerie: i think Vanessa’s go-to tactic is “if you don’t comment on this i will assume you want me to die in a fire” and other general guilt tactics :wink:
Stef: “no it’s fine i get it you’re all very busy, don’t worry about me, i’ll just sit here in the dark with no comments on this post”
Valerie: (guilt works well on me; as soon as i’m not in a work meeting where people can see my screen i’ll open this sex toy article and comment)
Vanessa: SARAH I LOVE YOU
Sarah: hahaha
Vanessa: i was very late on a deadline for this very website, autostraddle dot com, otherwise i would’ve hopped in here immediately
feel free to get REAL INTENSE ABOUT COMMENTS
Stef: idk guys
feels like i’m the only one who truly loves sarah

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Rachel: 
I’m going to lay down in the street and die
Laneia: !!!!!!!!!
Rachel
Rachel: please kill me
Yvonne: !!!!!
Laneia: THAT DIDN’T EVEN HAVE HER TAGGED
SHE JUST FOUND IT ON HER OWN BY READING YOUR TIMELINE
life comes at you so fast
Rachel: I wouldn’t have guessed this is how i’d go but you know what i’m fine with it
Yvonne: can’t wait to go on a double date with you and steph and me with gina
Laneia: and i can’t wait to watch the insta stories!
y’all will have so much fun choosing which appetizers to get for the appetizer sampler

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Riese: yeah a raging wildfire is def the least ideal conditions for us to do our [new A-Camp] site visit
Robin: sinkhole would be bad too
Riese: but … i think i have to do it if they’re still okay with it
Robin: active shooter in a sinkhole would be probably worst case
Riese: i would hide from the shooter in the sinkhole
Robin: its important to have a good plan in place. what about an tsunami
hide behind the fire circle?
Riese: i think just make myself very big and scream NOOOO
like raise my arms in the air
Robin: hahha
poor carly is missing these jokes
Riese: i know, it’s so sad for her

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Mey: Am I the only one who thought all of jenny holzer’s art was made by jenny schecter until this winter
Vanessa: MEY
love you

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Meet A New Contributor!

Get to know some of our newest faces.

Alexis Smithers, Staff Writer

Website
Twitter: @dangerlove12
Facebook: Dangerlover12

If you won the lottery tomorrow, how would you spend the money?
If I won the lotto, tomorrow, well I know, the first 10% I’d donate, the next 10% would go to getting me and mines house(s), and the rest I’d attempt to save but if my dad doesn’t keep an eye on it, it’s all going to books and Broadway shows and basically anyone I love who needs it.

If you could invite four famous people (dead or alive) to dinner, who would you choose and why?
I totally misread this question but I’m gonna keep going anyways cause they’re like famous in my heart.

I’d invite my grandma who passed earlier this year, because I miss her and she was one of the first people in my family who really accepted me even before I came out, made me feel really okay when I just couldn’t succeed in college and has always believed in me and my writing.

Ms. G. (Giselle Robinson), a writer I met at Pink Door two years ago who died later that year. My strongest best memory of her, was I was sitting off to myself the first night, and she said, Come take a walk with me. She told me about her life and how poetry saved her and one of the most important things I still carry with me: “I didn’t know that the shame he gave me is not a shame I had to carry. I didn’t know I could let it go.” and I’m still in shock that we’d known each other for less than a day, I didn’t even think anyone really noticed me (which is how I like it mostly!) but she did and it really filled my heart with something good and heavy.

Langston Hughes because he is my literary boo thang and everyone throughout my academic career was like “Pick another poet to talk about” but I refuse to because my mom got me this picture book called “Visiting Langston” and wrote a special note to me on the inside cover and “I, Too” was a poem I kept close to me most of middle school and is still probably the reason my family makes fun of me for trying to be a Black Panther since forever.

Cardi B. I just feel like in my heart of hearts that she has so many answers to things that I need to know. I wanna know about her artistic process and how she goes through life and how to be more like her and probably after dinner rushing out to get tattoos together that my grandma will most likely disapprove of when I get back but also will be really happy that I’m happy. I would download Snapchat in the middle of dinner just so she could be on my Snap story and you can see all these adventures and I can save it forever (with her permission).

Describe the worst date you’ve ever been on.
I’m not big on dates because I don’t really understand them, they feel like interviews for romance and I suck at that and I still think this is the proper way to ask someone out. I think the worst one is when I was still closeted to my family, and I took the metro to where I needed to go, and we went out to eat and talk. First of all, my anxiety allows me to eat, at most, coffee in front of a person I don’t know. Second, if we’re talking, I’m pretty sure trauma should not be the topic of our first date. I spent most of the time worried I’d see someone I knew (AND I DID SOMEONE FROM WORK) and it’d get back around to my family. What made it really not great is she implied that kissing on the first date is pretty normal for her (BUT I’M CLOSETED AND THIS IS IN PUBLIC) and I kinda just leapt out the car into traffic. It wouldn’t have been bad to kiss her but like any form of intimacy (especially WHEN I DON’T KNOW YOU) makes me literally go ghost. I’m like a lesbian Danny Phantom that way.

Who was your first woman celebrity crush?
Ms. Honey from Matilda. Well, she’s not technically a celebrity right? Let me think. Carla Gugino from Spy Kids. I watched it in fourth grade and cried my eyes out cause my brain has always been my brain and it made me think my grandma’s tunafish looked like the mini brains in the movie and that my grandparents were serving me brains to make me a robot kid? But I’ve successfully recovered from that memory by solely focusing on Carla Gugino. Thank you Ms. Gugino.

Do you have a hidden talent?
I’m really good at disappearing? Which sounds disastrous but I mean it in that in almost any social situation, you can be talking to me, you turn around to say hi to someone else, and you turn back to me to continue your conversation, but I’m gone. You’re not gonna find me again til I want you to find me. Which most likely won’t be until I finish the book I’ve hidden in my pocket.

What’s something you’ve been really proud of lately?
I’m doing this thing on Facebook where I write seven things I’m grateful for every day and it’s been keeping me really grounded and feeling a lot of love on days where I’m sure I’d otherwise miss out on those feelings. Also, I passed my coding assessment last week after failing the first time and I’m basically on top of the world!

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ahem

Riese: hello @channel whoever is using the autostraddle hulu account to watch star trek beyond right now, can you please stop so i can do my job thank you i love you
Sarah: LOLOLOLOL
Alaina: hahahahhahahahahhaha
Davidson: lmao
Sarah: omg best
msg ever
Alaina: wait which star trek is on hulu though?
Sarah: literally lol’ing
Riese: it won’t let me watch anything and so i deactivated literally every device attached to the account, hoping to just forcefully kick somebody out of their thursday matinee but no dice, when i signed in again it asked if i wanted to resume “star trek beyond”
so i assume they were asking me that because ONE OF U PEOPLE IS WATCHING IT
Molly: wait we have a hulu account
Riese: nope
(yes)
Austen: Lololol
Molly: hahahahahahaha
Siobhan: I wonder if other offices have these sorts of issues?
Alaina: that is a good movie
Riese: it won’t let two people watch things at the same time! this happens a lot
Molly: ok well i’m a star wars person but only the old ones
Riese: also just throwing it out there that somebody added Late Night With Seth Myers to my watchlist
and dance moms
ahem
Sarah: wow
Molly: hey
respect the dance
Sarah: whoever this person is is my new favorite person
Laneia: are you sure it’s not alex
Molly: ABBY GETS A BAD RAP
jk she’s a nightmare
Vanessa: welp i look forward to reading this convo again
in the insider next month

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What We’ve Been Reading

KaeLyn: Wonder Women: 25 Innovators, Inventors, and Trailblazers Who Changed History by Sam Maggs

Casey: Fall On Your Knees by Ann-Marie MacDonald and Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Wolves at the Gate by Drew Goddard

Erin: The Book of Liz – Acting Edition by David Sedaris and Amy Sedaris

Carrie: Run For Something: A Real-Talk Guide to Fixing the System Yourself by Amanda Litman

Valerie Anne: Strange the Dreamer by Laini Taylor

Vanessa: Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body by Roxane Gay

Sarah: Not On My Watch: The Bystander’s Handbook For the Prevention of Sexual Violence by Isabella Rotman

Alexis: blud by Rachel McKibbens, They Can’t Kill Us Until They Kill Usby Hanif Abdurraqib

Nora: Strike Sparks: Selected Poems, 1980-2002 by Sharon Olds

Raquel : Authority by Jeff Vandermeer

Carmen: A Burst of Light and Other Essays by Audre Lorde (updated with forward by Sonia Sanchez)

Yvonne: When We Were Outlaws by Jeanne Cordova

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Our Monthly Infographic About You

This graphic was made using your answers from the 2017 Autostraddle Reader Mini-Survey. 

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SLACKERS

Slack’s latest update included a feature that lets you share your screen when you’re on conference calls, and so of course Slack power user Laneia immediately hosted a webinar with the other editors to train us on a new database she conceived and built in Airtable because she’s an Airtable power user too. We can’t let you in on that bit of screen-sharing, but in the spirit of the thing our team members are sharing their desktops with you!

Laura M

Stef

Valerie

Natalie

Archie

Cee

Sarah

Laneia

Mey

Alexis

Vanessa

Raquel

Carolyn

Molly

KaeLyn

Alaina

Riese

Yvonne

Dufrau

Jenna

Carmen

Heather

Rachel

Cameron

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December Retro-Reading

Some posts from previous Decembers Riese thinks you might enjoy THIS December.

10 Days of Top 10s: The Autostraddle Index, Top 10 Headlines, And So On, by Riese (2010) – This year I was showing everybody the Harpers Index and being like “we should do something like this” and LOL we did do this in 2010! This is what happens when you’re me and you’ve written 2,500+ posts. But look I still wanna do it this year.

Get Baked: Your Mom Edition, by the team (2011) – This was really adorable, y’all. If you wanna make my Mom’s latkes or Laneia’s Mom’s party cheeseball, today is the best damn day of your life. (ALSO THERE’S BUCKEYES IN HERE, SHOUTOUT TO ALL MY GRRLS IN OHIO)

Hate Actually: Can the Holigays Heal a Gay Grinch’s Heart?, by Heather Hogan (2014) – This is about when we forced Heather to fall in love with Christmas.

25 Reasons Why The L Word Should Come Back in 2014, by Kate (2013) – Let this go to show that if you dream hard enough, all your dreams really can come true.

How to Marry A Musician in Ten Easy Steps, by Kristin (2013) – This is the first thing Kristin Russo ever wrote for our website and gosh it just gets cuter every year.

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CHERYL BLOSSOM EDITOR

Kayla: If we ever want any specific Riverdale style thiefs (not with the licensed stuff) I am all over it
stef I bought Cheryl’s HBIC shirt for Brandi for Christmas
Stef: Relationship goals
Laneia: I WOULD LIKE A CHERYL BLOSSOM STYLE THIEF
PLS INCLUDE LIPSTICK OPTIONS
Stef: nominating cameron for a jughead style thief
Valerie: and also pls link me to the cheryl-est candelabra
Laneia: mhm yes
all of this
Stef: sensible
Laneia: the jughead style thief is just a full body photo of cameron
Stef: at the next a-camp i’m not bringing a headlamp or a flashlight
just this
Laneia: you could use LED candles even
Stef: yeah because i think it’s in forest fire territory so
Laneia: Stef you have to do this
Stef: dead lesbians haunted hayride with no hayride for someone who is alive and not a confirmed lesbian, is just making a really strong case
showing up to klub deer with a candelabra ready for a dance-off
Sarah: jughead style thief graphic is the full body shot of cameron with lines pointing to different articles of clothing like the cheese plate graphics
Austen: i’d read the shit out of this just fyi
Mey: Wasn’t Molly Ostertag writing a Jughead style thief for us?
Stef: please tell me we’re gonna name a building at the new site thornhill
and that it’s wherever i live
Kayla: Can I actually do a Cheryl Blossom style thief?
Sarah: kayla how many different lipsticks do you think that cheryl blossom uses?
Stef: at the same time?
Sarah: yes her lipstick blend regimen
Kayla: Well I know the actual answer because of a Madelaine interview lol. She uses the same shade of a matte lime crime for most of her dramatic scenes and then when certain scenes call for a “juicier” look she just puts Nivea chapstick on top
Raquel: omg
Kayla: Riverdale’s Madelaine Petsch Has the BEST Acne Treatment Routine
Raquel: make me you, cheryl blossom
Stef: make me cry, cheryl blossom
Laneia: my vote is yes for this style thief and if molly is doing jughead she needs to get on itttt
Kayla: Is “Cheryl Blossom” my new beat?
Laneia: sometimes our beats find us
Sarah: i’m obsessed
Stef: self-appointed Cheryl Blossom Editor

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Five Posts Rachel Can’t Believe You Motherf*ckers Didn’t Read Last Month

The Time I Lesbi-infiltrated My Mother’s Straight Book Club, by Kayla

Kayla is such a gem in so many ways and this essay is a good example of so many of them! It’s wry and funny and also smart and complex and about the sad gap in understanding with people we love that we’re not sure we can ever totally close but how we try anyways. Get your dose of Kayla today and read this essay!

Making a Home in the Closet, by O.T. Taylor

This piece is so tender and brave and so devastatingly clear about the difficult concessions we make within ourselves for the people we love, and the process of learning how to be a necessarily refracted and segmented self as a queer person in the world. I really think you’ll love it, I do!

195 Lewis Is a Love Letter to Black Queer Brooklyn, by Carmen

Carmen’s writing about this show made me not just want to watch it but hang out in it for hours and days and read her piece about it again. Give yourself the gift of feeling the same! While you’re there definitely also read Carmen and Alaina discussing She’s Gotta Have It, which is a goddamn delight.

Transparent Could Hire More Trans Women and Continue Revolutionizing TV After Jeffrey Tambor’s Departure, by Mey

Read Mey on the possibilities of men facing consequences without further limiting career and creative avenues for women!

Six Tips for Dealing with Your Difficult Family Members Over the Holidays, by Reneice

I don’t know about you but I am at t minus 8 days from dealing with my Difficult Family Members and I sure can use some tips!!!

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Heather’s Pick of the Month: Seasonal Beers

Tröegs Brewing Co. Mad Elf – Mad Elf is my favorite beer, every year. It’s a Belgian Ale brewed with cherries and honey and a kind of yeast that makes it snap!. At 11% it’s boozy as heck, which will warm you right up. If you see it, buy it. It doesn’t stay on shelves long.

Anderson Valley Brewing Co. Winter Solstice Seasonal Ale – You gotta have a winter warmer on a cold weather beer list, and Anderson Valley’s takes the standard malty sweetness up a notch with toffee and nutmeg. It’s creamy and dark and smooth as snow.

Dogfish Head Brewing Co. Pennsylvania Tuxedo – Beers brewed with spruce tips are going to be all the rage this year, but Dogfish Head perfected it years ago. This is an American Pale Ale that’s woody and piney and grassy and then — surprise! — grapefruity. It’s like drinking a Christmas tree but in a really delightful way. It also comes in plaid packaging.

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Social Media Spotlight

Here’s our year in Twitter!

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I Would Drink A Vat Of You

Listen we had a lot of good ideas for questions when Kristin asked if we had any questions for Getting In Bed With Jen Richards but also; some so-so ideas

Molly: ALSO can you ask Jen what’s worse: falling into a vat of rats or snakes
Stef: hm i think snakes
Vanessa: Stef that is incorrect
Stef: rats are my friends. snakes, really depends
Vanessa: vat of rats is def worse
Stef: how do you figure
Vanessa: snakes are our friends, think of all the slytherins we know
Molly: jen’s gonna be the tie-breaker
Stef: i am a fucking slytherin and i’m telling you it’s snakes.
Kristin: i vote rats, sorry Stef
Stef: i wouldn’t want to fall into a vat of me either
Kristin: also tho
field rats or nyc rats
bc
Stef: see that changes things
Molly: city rats
Stef: pet store rats
Kristin: i might go snakes if it is city rats
Vanessa: CITY RATS ARE SO SCARY
Molly: city rats and jungle snakes
Stef: pet store rats who do tricks
Jenna: damn molly
that’s terrifying
Stef: was it originally a vat of rats and if so did the snakes eat them
Molly: YEAH WELL i have questions
Kristin: hahahahaha jungle snakes fuck
solid question Stef, are the snakes satiated
Siobhan: I just got back from NY and omg the rats!
Stef: i live in a street facing first floor apartment with my windows over the garbage, i have rats singing into my bedroom window all night long. they’re my friends.
Molly: no, two different vats
Siobhan: in London we have tube mice, which are much smaller and more reasonable than NY subway rats
Vanessa: this is the first time today i’ve seen “several people are typing”
Stef: what size vat
Vanessa: thanks for invigorating us, Kristin
Stef: like how many gallons of snakes are we talking
Kristin: anytime, happy to help, witches and blow jobs, etc
Molly: at least the size of an above-ground swimming pool
Vanessa: “how many gallons of snakes are we talking” NO
Stef: i also had rats as pets. have a rats of nimh inspired pizza rat tattoo. i am very biased
Vanessa: i shant
farewell
Siobhan: oh my god Stef the place I was staying opens onto one of the those basement entrances and the rescued feral cat keeps getting out
and they have rats there because its where the buildings garbage waits for collection and she has caught them before and I lived in terror
Jenna: i’m breaking out into a sweat thinking about trying to choose
Stef: i don’t want to FALL into the vat because i don’t want to crush anybody
can i like ease in? can i bring them treats?
Molly: no you fall in blindfolded
Stef: what if they get hurt!!!
Molly: that’s part of the decision
Siobhan: do not crush the scale friends!
Stef: this is like when you tried to convince me that emu oil is made ethically by emus who work regular hours in a factory and earn a living wage
Molly: hahahahahahahaha
emu union
Stef: kati also lied and said it was made from like their hoof scrapings or something
do they have hooves??
can i fall into a vat of emus?
Molly: that would be instant death
Stef: perfect
sign me up
Molly: it’s made from the hunk of fat they carry on their bodies to sustain them in case they need to flee literally across the continent
they’re perfect creatures, haven’t evolved in 65 million years
Valerie: this conversation went from virginity to emus in an impressively short amount of time
Stef: i was going to suggest a vat of blow jobs just to bring it all back around but
Molly: ugh
sounds sloppy
Stef: more than falling on a bunch of tiny rodents!??!
poor babies
Molly: idk there’s power in numbers, i feel like they could bear your weight
Jenna: city rats are not tiny rodents
Molly: yeah, i’ve seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
splinter is huge
Stef: he’s so old though
and frail
Molly: you know that old rat would kick your ass
Jenna: wait a vat full of splinters is totally different
that’s fine
Stef: i agree.
well not fine
it’s the falling on him that worries me
Jenna: yeah
fair
Molly: remember the vat of needles in saw
Jenna: sadly, yes
Tiara: Emus went to war against humans in Australia and won, so an emu union isn’t really that out of the question
Valerie: can’t i fall into a vat of like…pudding or something
Molly: @valerie for some reason i have this decision power so
yes
Tiara: A vat of emus sound like a fun time
Jenna: what! australia is wild!
Stef: oh can i fall into a vat of money like scrooge mcduck
Tiara: Oz just had a Bird of the Year vote and apparently magpies win which everyone was sceptical about because they are murderbirds (though my spurious research showed they don’t attack PoC that often)
Siobhan: hah!
they know we don’t belong there
that’s what
Jenna: not to belabor the vat thing, but I think if I had to rank the available options at this moment I would go: pudding, money, splinter from TMNT (sorry bro), city rats, jungle snakes
Dufrau: i would switch rats and snakes b/c fleas, but otherwise i agree
Jenna: i feel like i could survive the rats more easily
like a venomous snake gets mad bc I booped him too hard? I’m sure dead!
Valerie: if it was like…garden snakes, i’d pick those over rats
Jenna: then again maybe i just want to die fast
Molly: jungle snakes are more squeezers than biters
Dufrau: i dont really care about surviving i just dont want to die crawling with fleas
Jenna: interesting line there
Stef: molly why are we being pushed into this vat again?
what did i do
Molly: you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
it’s a long story
Heather: i honestly scrolled through here and saw y’all talking about surviving and rats and vats and i thought you were discussing fallout
Siobhan: hah
Dufrau: there are no snakes in fallout
besides tunnel snakes
Molly: some followers turn out to be snakes because they JUDGE you for MURDER come on
Stef: can i petition to have heather hogan fall into a vat of very soft pillows
Molly: and then make drugged-up videos about it
Jenna: yes
Valerie: the walls of the vat are just all the harry potter books written out in case it takes her a while to get out
or in case she wants to stay
Stef: Kristin can you ask jen richards to instagram more so i can put her in no filter more often
i would like to include her but she’s really fucking up my flow
i check her every week
Kristin: yes i will ask and glare at her while i ask
Stef: thank you, you are very scary when you’re mad
Kristin: thank YOU
i aspire to greatness
Stef: any time. i’m very easy to intimidate but trust me, you’re crushing it
Kristin: :haircut:
imagine that is a hair flip
which was the emoji i wanted
oh or
:cordelia:
Molly: but just literally throwing chunks of hair
Kristin: hahahaha
Stef: perfect
i’m gonna fall into a vat of kristin’s discarded hair
…in a super normal friend way
Molly: hahahahahaha
this is the weirdest collection of vats
Tiara: This conversation feels very Kingdom of Loathing
Molly: wait what’s that, how did you know the name of my house

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XOXO

Team Autostraddle