Letter From Your Editors

Hi laser beams in the dark sky!

I have a hot take for you: it’s hot! This month Laneia told us to take pics of ourselves being hot or near hot things in honor of my latest great idea, the HOT TAKE T-SHIRT, which is already available for pre-order and will be in the store on September 8th.

Well, I don’t know how your day has been, but I have muted at least 20 people on Tweetdeck today which unfortunately is not an all-time record. Today we’ve been told that Autostraddle is “biphobic trash” and also that Autostraddle is “not for lesbians any more.” I was reminded, because #neverforget, that lesbian Editor Heather Hogan thinks lesbians are Nazis, and also informed that a male showrunner none of us have ever heard of “has some friends at Autostraddle” which is a “bad sign” for the future of his television program. It’s been quite a day!

Hey but look here we are all together in this spot with lovely people who understand that inclusion is not an either/or and no method of labeling oneself is more evolved or generationally appropriate than another and we can have different things for different people all under the same roof and that’s great right!

TO BE HONEST the entire Senior Editor team has been so nice to me today for being a brave warrior in other areas of life but I have taken all week to not write this letter to the editor because I can’t pick one of ten topics so instead I’m picking ZERO TOPICS b/c my fibro is bad and my head is messy and I hope you can all forgive me (I know you will! You are all so kind!). I love you, Donald Trump is a house on fire and so is this country. We will be making an announcement soon about BIG STORIES that I think will please you.

On that note I hope you’ve enjoyed our A+ content this month, like when we gave you more real live lesbian sexting, and Kristin got in bed with Cameron Esposito and then Kristin got in bed with her cute wife Jenny and then Kristin got in bed with her whatever I guess cute cat . Also, Sarah Sarwar has been crazy for her entire life and Casey and her ex broke up but they still process like champs and also we showed you our deeply personal notes on our phones. Wow that’s a lot of stuff. On top of ALL THAT STUFF, we also recorded an A+ podcast about the phrase “gold star lesbian” and the evolution of queer language.”

So okay here we go!!!!

Love,

Riese

Co-signed by Laneia / Rachel / Yvonne / Heather

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Top 10 Most Popular Posts From July 2017

These posts were hella popular last month.

1. Excommunicate Me from the Church of Social Justice, by Frances
2. BREAKING: “The L Word” Is Getting A Reboot, Bless Us Everyone, by Heather
3. Your “Lesbian Ken” Community Photo Gallery Is Here, by Vanessa
4. The 25 Gayest Things I Did When I Still Thought I Was Straight, by Kayla
5. Naomi Watts’ New Netflix Show Is Hella Bananas and Extremely Gay, by Heather
6. Some Quite Perfect Swimsuits for Trans Women, by Mey
7. Ellen Page Is Apparently Dating This Dancer Emma Portner Now, Hmm, Ok, by Stef
8. This Lesbian Made Her Own Dating Website and It Will Blow You Away, by Alaina
9. Legendary WNBA Superstar Sue Bird Is Gay and Also Dating Megan Rapinoe, by Molly Priddy
10. All 101 Disney Channel Original Movies Ranked by Lesbianism, by Mey

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Nine Important Excerpts From Editorial Conversations

Laneia: is “Throw All Your Homophobic Bulleit Bourbon In A River I Guess and Other Stories You Can’t Miss” a title
or is it a personal demon to slay
Heather: oh it sure is
Rachel: y’all i’m so sad about bulleit
Yvonne: i’m sad about it too
Rachel: i realize there are a lot of other fish to fry
but :sob:
Heather: it’s just like is NOTHING sacred?
Yvonne: it’s practically a sponsor of a-camp
Rachel: right! bulleit was how i was dealing with all the other homophobia
how am i supposed to do that now
i can’t afford knob creek
Laneia: nobody can!
Rachel: i mean i’m still going to buy it
i’m just going to think about this when i do and be sad
Yvonne: right
Riese: didn’t they sponsor Gypsy???
Heather: i just laughed so loud
Yvonne: it will take time to be like fuck it i want chick-fil-a and i don’t give a fuck
Rachel: maybe there’s a way to pin this on billy crudup

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Stef: lol

Kayla: I volunteer to teach Angelina how to fry an egg
Heather: i volunteer to dine at her house
Valerie: i would eat plastic decorative fruit if it meant dining at the home of angelina jolie
Stef: would it help if you knew she lived down the block from kristen stewart
Kayla: A blessed block
Stef: i bet their block parties are excellently catered
stella maxwell makes a fruit salad herself to befriend all the neighbors
angelina is like ‘wow you’ll have to give me the recipe sometime’
what do you think she lies about knowing how to make?
Heather: french stuff
Stef: she would
i love how salty this source is
sounds like brad to me
Kayla: 100% it’s Brad

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Laneia: i just lifted a lid off a pot that had been in the oven for 30 mins without a potholder so i am really knocking it out of the park this morning
Riese: !!!
sometimes i put my hand on the stove
It’s okay
Laneia: we r doing gr8

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Stef:

Stef: i think i see the problem here
they’re opening for my ex’s band apparently
Valerie: …
Stef: why
Valerie: why indeed
Molly: i’m naming my band “Sexless Hetero Marriage”
Carrie: petition for band of straight people called “I Settled”
Valerie: hahaha
Molly: “We’re 100% Happy I Love Him More Every Day”
Valerie: My Husband Let Me Start a Band Isn’t He the Best (I Only Had to Promise Sex Once a Week For a Year)
track 1
Carrie: No Really, That Feels Great (track 2)
Molly: track 3 Thirteen Years With Him Feels Like Forever and Not Enough but Mostly Forever
Jenna: He Doesn’t Mind Babysitting (His Own Fucking Children) – track 4
Molly: track 5 Come On Tim Just Dance With Me It’s A Wedding

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Heather: okay excuse me i am re-watching strawberry shortcake in big apple city and this is a rom-com between strawberry shortcake and orange blossom. no wonder i was in love with this cartoon.
Laneia:

pitch: ‘Strawberry Shortcake in Big Apple City’ Is a Queer Romcom Don’t @ Me
excerpt: #OrangeBerry
body: youtube embed
tags: we are adults now

Riese: i have approved this pitch
Laneia: i wish i could interview the writer behind waffle-recipes.com

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Laneia: “the bold type” is inspiring me to make my desk look fancier and put clothes on
Sarah: i am usually not wearing pants during the day but my underwear have the personality of shorts right guys
Rachel: your underwear really does
Sarah: thank you! also it seems daunting when someone calls me (my gf) and says “let’s go get lunch together” i’m very concerned about how far away the pants part of my closet is
and how i have to put them on

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Rachel: how are your locks today Heather
Heather: haha! intact and easy twistin’!
are you still in canada, the land of the free and poutine?
Rachel: nope! i am back in the land of subprime loans and freedom fries
Laneia: lord save us
“intact and easy twistin'” had better be a chapter title in your memoirs
Rachel: those are actually going to be the names of my first and second born children
so
Laneia: easy twistin’ is going to have a blast doing their name acrostic in 2nd grade
Rachel: can’t wait to see the saint names they pick for their confirmation
Intact Mary Francis

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Erin: quick q is there a lez movie i havent covered yet that you would like
Heather: kissing jessica stein, imagine me and you, loving annabelle, and absolutely if these walls could talk 2
Riese: but those are GOOD ones heather
she has to watch bad ones
Heather: i just want her to have a little joy in her life while she waits for carol!
Riese: we did watch kissing jessica stein with sarah starwars in the winter
Erin: I liked KJS!
Heather: me too, i like it too, and so does head bisexual rachel
Erin: Oh isn’t ‘loving annabelle’ bad
Heather: yeah loving annabelle is so bad and amazing
Erin: Great sold!
Heather: yessssss
Riese: i love loving annabelle b/c i am bad and amazing
Laneia: also here to say that i enjoyed loving annabelle but it’s bc i have terrible taste in entertainment
Erin: Hmmm
Riese: have u seen room in rome
Erin: Yeah but it scares me
Riese: oh wait i already wrote about it
Erin: Good
Riese: Bloomington is like Loving Annabelle but somehow even worse
Erin: So yes?
Riese: yes
Erin: Loving this back and forth
Riese: i’m certain Bloomington was shot in one day inside a condo
Erin: Wait does it only take place in a condo
Riese: i don’t remember i just remember thinking “are they still in the same condo”
Erin: Oh boy
Condos make me sad but I’ll do it
Riese: thank u
Laneia: CONDOS MAKE ME SO SAD
ESPECIALLY THE ONE I LIVE IN
Erin: Gonna spiral can’t wait

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Riese: hey stef is there any chance you would want to sign up for this service in order to write about it for autostraddle dot com: http://beta.yenteovertherainbow.com
Stef: oh my god
yes
Riese: YESSSSSS
Stef: i hope these lucky jewish ladies don’t want someone who can walk!!!!
Riese: they just want somebody to make soup for
is that so much to ask
is that so much to ask for your [person] who loves you?
Stef: i love soup
and incidentally i love making soup
just want a nice jewish girl, a doctor
specifically one who can write prescriptions
their trial is full!
but i’ll sign up so when the site launches i can get in there
i feel very confident i will still not be dating anybody when it launches
Riese: excellent i’m glad we’ve planted the seed for a potential tree of life
Stef: my grandma would be so happy

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Meet A New Contributor!

Get to know some of our newest faces.

Creatrix Tiara, Staff Writer

Tumblr: notyourexrotic.tumblr.com
Twitter: @creatrixtiara
Instagram: @creatrixtiara
Facebook
Website

What would be your superpower and why?
Social shapeshifting. I would be able to fit into any social situation and people would just accept that I’m okay to be there without question. Like, I could be in a meeting exclusive to old white guys and they’d still accept my presence there for whatever reason. Passing as a superpower!

If you could invite four famous people (dead or alive) to dinner, who would you choose and why?
Darren Hayes, because he is the reason I’m alive and doing what I do today. Asha Gill, a pan-Asian writer/TV VJ/radio host/model/actress, though this is slightly cheating because we’re long-time close friends already. Oprah Winfrey, since I grew up watching her and she actually is the reason my mum suddenly became pretty decent with LGBTQ issues (“I learnt it all from Oprah!!”). Adah Isaacs Menken, who’s this badass possibly queer actress and writer that broke gender boundaries on stage, never revealed her true heritage, and was basically Lady Gaga of the Victorian era.

Describe the worst date you’ve ever been on.
You know, I don’t think I’ve ever really been on bad dates per se. Mostly because I haven’t gone on a lot of dates to begin with — either I get into relationships really quickly or we hook up and that’s it. The worst my dates ever get is “meh” but even then it’s not like anything really happened.

What’s your favorite thing on the internet today?
Musicians following cosplayers around playing their theme tunes. Examples:

If you could only use one emoji for the rest of your life, what would it be?

I’m really REALLY looking forward to the upcoming emoji update that will include the skeptical one-eyebrow-raised face. That face was my FAVOURITE during the days of MSN and it’s the one facial expression most relevant to my life, but I can’t raise one eyebrow IRL!! Once that update comes out I am just going to spam that emoji EVERYWHERREEEEE.

What’s something you’ve been really proud of lately?
I’m working on a Darren Hayes cosplay for an upcoming event and I’m not really all that used to sewing (no thanks, pro-radfem femmephobic teenage self who tried to protest sewing lessons by making your mother do your homework, how feminist of you). A close friend helped me with the structure but almost all the embellishing is mine. There’s a lot of really complicated fiddly parts and the project is quite outside my comfort zone but I’m doing a pretty decent job so far! It’s looking really good right now and I’m excited to see the final product.

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JUST TRYING TO GET BY

Yvonne: i wish shutterstock had photos of normal people running like everyone looks like a fitness model and i’m like where are the people just trying to get by you know
Heather: right!
Riese: i recall a nice picture of all of us running in the grass just trying to get by from the summer of 2016
Yvonne: lol

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What We’ve Been Reading

Alaina:Heartburn by Nora Ephron

Casey: The Stone Sky by N.K. Jemisin, The Clothesline Swing by Ahmad Danny Ramadan, and You Know Me Well by Nina LaCour and David Levithan

Valerie Anne: Karen Memory by Elizabeth Bear

Heather: The Essex Serpent by Sarah Perry

Carolyn: We Are Never Meeting In Real Life by Samantha Irby and Sex and Rage by Eve Babitz

Tiara: Sister Spit: Writing, Rants and Reminiscence from the Road edited by Michelle Tea

Carrie: Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel and The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg

Stef: Meet Me in the Bathroom: Rebirth and Rock and Roll in New York City 2001-2011 by Lizzy Goodman

Nora: Worn Stories by Emily Spivak

Sarah:Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by JK Rowling

Lucy:The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks by E. Lockhart and The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee

Alexis: Harbinger Island by Dorian Dawes and Not Your Sidekick by C.B. Lee and The Moment by T.C. Anderson

Audrey: The 5 Choices: The Path to Extraordinary Productivity by Kory Kogon, Adam Merril, and Leena Rinne

Riese: A Biography of Marty Mann: The First Lady of Alcoholics Anonymous, by Sally Brown and David R. Brown (MARTY MANN IS A LESBIAN FYI)

Laneia: The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers

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Your Monthly Infographic About You

Answers from the 2017 Autostraddle Reader Mini-Survey.

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SLACKERS

Top 12 public Autostraddle Slack channels, ranked by the number of messages sent this month.

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August Retro-Reading

Some posts from previous Augusts Riese thinks you might enjoy.

Read a F*cking Book: Ten Lesbian & Bisexual Poets To Fall in Love With, by Riese (2010) – You know what all of these poets are still really great.

My Drunk Kitchen’s Hannah Hart: The Autostraddle Interview, by Taylor (2011) – A great interview for Harto fans to revisit now that she’s such a famous person with her own show on The Food Network!

How (Not) to Quit Smoking: What Will Occupy Your Lesbian Hands?, by Phoenix (2011) – “Addiction is knowing that another cigarette is going to make me nauseous, going to make me want to lie down, going to burn my throat, going to give me a terrible headache — and still wanting another cigarette.”

55 Ways To Leave Your Lesbian Vampire Lover (According To True Blood), by Vanessa (2013) – Speaks for itself

Please Go Watch “The L Word Mississippi: Hate The Sin” (2014), by Kate – Erin and I seized life by the horns and did exactly what this headline suggests a few months ago and I recommend you do the same.

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Bold Types Watching “The Bold Type,” A Story In Many Acts

Have you been reading Kayla’s reviews of The Bold Type? If you haven’t, it’s not too late.

Heather: i know you guys are cold on it but I LOVE THE BOLD TYPE SO MUCH
i just watched this week’s and I LOVE IT SO MUCH
Laneia: NOPE I STILL LOVE IT
Heather: it has never not made me feel so good
Laneia: wednesday night is my favorite night bc that’s when it’s on hulu and i hide in my bedroom with wine and cheese and it’s my midweek vacation
Heather: that sounds literally perfect
Rachel: I’M NOT COLD ON IT I’M OBSESSED W IT
i just hate jane

…

Laneia: i started crying at the party speech and then just kept going
Sarah: yes that fucking party speech
Laneia: like you think it’s going to be another cheesy tv show thing and then it’s really empowering and perfect?!
Rachel: Laneia you don’t even know yet how you’re going to feel about kat
i can’t wait i’m so excited for you
i’ve been watching it with nani and kat’s storyline is destroying both our lives
it’s so good
Laneia: nani’s tweets destroyed my life
Rachel: i know
same
Laneia: so much so that i forgot to fave them
so i have to do that tomorrow

…

Laneia: goddamn i want an office with windows
and i want pretty clothes! I WANT TO BE PRETTY
PRETTY AND BRIGHT
Sarah: wait come on Laneia
Laneia: LIT BY SUNSHINE
Sarah: SOMETIMES I DON’T EVEN GO OUTSIDE
Laneia: i want to wear uncomfortable spiky shoes and too tight pants
ME EITHER
Sarah: I FEEL THE SUNSHINE THROUGH MY WINDOWPANES
i have actually been drinking my morning coffee outside
just to feel the breeze of the world

…

Laneia: that was so perfect they’re not mean to each other or weird at all
i hope that stays forever
Sarah: yes they are women who literally never compete with each other
it’s so refreshing to watch

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Riese: ADENA SHOWING UP AT HER OFFICE
are you serious
like kat texting her that she couldn’t do this was a total asshole move
but i cannot imagine showing up at my person’s WORKPLACE during WORK HOURS
to demand an emotional lesbian conversation!!
Laneia: no and also? does she not have other things to do? like i am busy during the day! maybe on a saturday i’d have time to have a serious lesbian conversation with someone in the daytime but come on
Rachel: sometimes adena does something sort of insane but i feel like they’re generally pretty realistic insane lesbian things
like when coco calls her at 3 in the morning and she’s like “no kat you can stay for this it’s cool”
like that’s crazy but also something she would absolutely say
Laneia: that is true
Riese: yes for sure
Laneia: sadly
Riese: yes these are our people

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Laneia: ryan stop looking at me
is that his name, ryan. i can’t keep all these men straight
Rachel: the guy w jane? the writer?
i honestly don’t know his name
Laneia: yes
brian. josh
Sarah: are you talking about pinstripe? i have no idea what his name is!
Laneia: omggggg she’s gonna pub it in her own nammmme
Sarah: OMG SHE CHANGED THE BY LINE AT THE LAST MIN
Laneia: josh is gonna love this
Sarah: watch what happens and try not to cry
Laneia: todd
Sarah: peter is so into it

…

Laneia: i would definitely bug the fashion closet if i was running that place
100% first day
Rachel: right? how is no one else in there

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Riese: adena should’ve waited outside for when kat gets off or something, i think
Heather: they don’t have the budget for that!
they had to film everything in that dang office!
and pay for soulcycle or soulwheel or spiritbike or whatever it was called

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Laneia: guys do you think i’ll ever have sex in a penthouse with floor to ceiling windows and a view
like while i’m still young enough to be bendy
Sarah: if you fuck helena peabody definitely yes
I believe in you Laneia
Laneia: gonna hold that in my heart

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Laneia: eric is like a pinto bean

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Laneia: kat is doing soul cycle and i’m crying. kat makes me cry. kat and sutton, who i still do not understand my affinity for!
Rachel: i hate jane so much
i also cried at soulcyle
i don’t like sutton but support Laneia liking sutton
Yvonne: same with soulcycle
Riese: that was bizarre
women doing soulcycle for a free copy… of a magazine?
that costs $2.95?
Rachel: oh i kind of zoned out of the particulars of that plotline

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Laneia: lol what if we said “i expect the next draft on my desk, tomorrow” lol
Rachel: also i don’t think you’ve gotten there yet
but there’s a moment where jacqueline CALLS HER
at like 10 PM
Laneia: yes!
Rachel: to give her feedback on a draft
i almost keeled over and died

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Yvonne: i have arrived to the point where i’m super annoyed with jane and i love jacqueline forever and ever and honestly i feel like *shrug* about kadena
Riese: i hate jane
Laneia: i hate that jane is so fundamentally awful
Riese: “you’re a stripper you expose yourself to everybody”
YOU’RE CANCELLED
Yvonne: she’s so annoying!
i’m like STFU

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Laneia: they have champagne menus????
like whole menus?!
lord jesus

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Laneia: kat’s smile is killing me dead
Sarah: it is like sunlight personified?
idk how to describe something so unreal
Laneia: what’s the deal with jane’s face like why is her face so fun to look at. it’s like, a compelling face?
yes like sunlight personified sarah that’s true
Sarah: she’s doing a good job being a human woman
i also like to look at janes face maybe because it’s so relatable/personal she pulls all these real expressions like she actually doesn’t know what she looks like on camera

…

Laneia: jane’s never had an orgasm!
Rachel: that arc honestly took years off my life
how are straight women
they are Not Okay
Laneia: they aren’t!
Sarah: the part where kat’s like “i had a sex dream about adena last night”
Laneia: i would like a bonus scene where she describes this dream
Sarah: i rewound it 4 times bc the actresses are talking really quietly bc it’s not what THE SCENE is about
Rachel: i hate being the person who nitpicks tv but how does no one just hand her a vibrator
they’re all over the place
it’s a women’s magazine
Laneia: covering tables even
Rachel: like give her a hitachi and she can take 5 in the fashion closet

…

Sarah: kat’s clothes are honestly too much
also
her styling is like sporty but also chic i don’t understand
there is an outfit with two billowy pieces of clothing in different patterns and one of those patterns is CAMO
Rachel: peak lazy femme
she’s perfect

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Laneia: GOD TODD JUST BURN YOUR FUTON

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Laneia: want to smash alex and sutton’s faces together like barbie dolls
Sarah: wait who is alex?
Rachel: their black male friend who appears magically to listen to their problems
i do want to smash him and sutton together for sure
Sarah: OMG yes
they need to be smashed together
they have palpable chemistry

…

Laneia: ok i love her but honestly i would kick sutton out of a window if she brought those breadsticks in without offering me any
Sarah: wow so real
so true

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Laneia: she’s in todd’s apartment with wine and a cute dress
thigh high boots like it’s nbd
Sarah: ok those boots
look like they are painted on
i immediately wanted them but was like, when will i feel comfortable wearing these?
Laneia: “the fact is, it always comes back… to sex.” -eric todd jonathan jr.
Sarah: hahahhaah todd! so wise
Rachel: he makes me want to set myself on fire
just casually
Laneia: “pick the conversation up again tomorrow?” josh you literally just talked about nothing but your nasty futon

…

Heather: just a side note for a moment: nani is the only person besides me who thinks about the bold type enough. i’m sorry if that hurts your feelings but i need to be real with you all in terms of how you’re spending your brain power.
Rachel: you are correct
about this
yes
i processed it with them for like two hours last night
Laneia: nani is thinking of the bold type exactly enough, every time they think about it is a time it needed to be thought of
Heather: two hours! okay rachel you are off the hook.
Rachel: my mother tried to hand me the phone to have me talk to my brother
as kat and adena were kissing on the roof
i almost moved out
Heather: wwwwoooowwwww
that is an act of violence
Rachel: it was the most homophobic thing she’s ever done
Heather: i hope she’s taking a long hard think about her choices today
Rachel: i am going to have to call her in
Heather: i know it will be a tough conversation but you really are going to have to do it
Rachel: i appreciate your thoughts and prayers during this time
Heather: holding space for you

…

Sarah: what is the deal with todd is he really a good writer?
they keep telling me he is but i’m concerned i need to read these articles
Laneia: He’s a white guy sarah, that’s all you need to know

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Laneia: OMG she’s not crying and feeling sorry for herself or being mad she just straight up went home and put on a weird shirt and started making art I LOVE SUTTON WITH MY WHOLE BEING
AAAAAHHHHHHHH
SCREAM CRYING
Sarah: IT IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS
when she starts cutting that jean pocket with the heart on it
out of her actual pants
Laneia: AAAAAHHHH
Sarah: i’m like OMG COMMITED

…

Sarah: can we take 5 or 6 minutes to discuss the perfection of kat edisons eyebrows
Laneia: i mean i’ve got all night

…

Riese: WHY HAS JANE NOT BEEN FIRED FROM SCARLET MAGAZINE
she has done zero good things and like five bad things since arriving in this position
Rachel: i agree
honestly sutton is also not good at her job
and it bothers me deeply
Riese: if somebody yelled at me like jane yelled at jacqueline i would fire them
actually that’s not true
i would position 5 them
put myself in their shoes and sympathize
consider that i was entirely in the wrong
wring my hands over it
write an extensive google doc
and then do nothing about it
hm.

…

Sarah: OMG KAT’S GOLD DRESS FROM EP1 IS $1,200
they come in my size i’m thinking about skipping rent for a few months and living in a box
Laneia: i would get a green juice
Sarah: like just 1/day
Laneia: yeah you’re on a budget

…

Laneia: actually ok ngl i do appreciate how supportive all these men are being. it’s entirely unbelievable and not relatable but i’m skeptically accepting it as being true
Sarah: lol
Laneia: not josh
Sarah: u mean todd
Laneia: josh is a fuck
eric josh todd mark
Sarah: haha oh yes him
do you want a green juice?
Laneia: you know i do
Sarah: SIDEFIC where sutton gets together with green juice
Laneia: SHIPPED

…

Laneia: sutton is my heart. i really didn’t see this coming.
Sarah: yes me too she’s so cuuuuute let’s hug sutton together
girls with freckles are my favorite
Laneia: sutton sandwich

…

Laneia: oh i thought that was a butch violinist for a second
Sarah: IF ONLY
Rachel: god can you imagine

…

Sarah: BACK TO SUTTON
i want to write her a song
Laneia: me too i want to sing it under a window
Sarah: and play a guitar and rhyme her name with things like button and …
Laneia: !!!!!!
Sarah: what tin will hold my love? nottin
Laneia: “cut on / your heart pocket”
Sarah: mmm.. hahaha
YES
let’s go to dinner i’ll order you mutton!
i’m sorry

…

Heather: also if someone doesn’t watch the bold type screener for next week and talk to me about it i’m going to explode into a shower of forest critters like sonic the hedgehog and die
Rachel: omg i’ve only seen the preview but i already wanna lay down on train tracks
Heather: WELL JUST WAIT
or don’t, watch it right now!
Rachel: jesus mary and joseph

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Five Posts Rachel Can’t Believe You Motherf*ckers Didn’t Read Last Month

58 Trans Women Actresses You Should Know and Also Love, by Riese

So many talented people on this list! So many things I hadn’t seen that I now want to check out! I’m so excited! You could also be this excited if you read the post!

The Internet’s Increasing Lack of Privacy Is Putting LGBTQ People in Real Danger, by Heather Davidson

For someone who works on the internet I am often intimidated and baffled by trying to understand the ways that it impacts our offline lives and intertwines with our various difficult realities and vulnerabilities; I am grateful, then, that Heather discussed this so well here! It’s very good!

QTPOC Roundtable: TV and Movie Characters That Made Us Feel Seen, by QTPOC members of the team

This made me cry more than once and it was good for me and I grew as a person because of it and you know what, I want that for you too, you deserve that

Confessions of An Undocumented African Immigrant, by Kari

I’m really grateful to Kari for excavating so much in this essay that’s difficult and heartbreaking both for her personally and in regards to this stupid shit country; it’s an honest and graceful and sad piece and also this feature art is SO beautiful what the fuck why haven’t you read this!

Trump Lit The “Good Ol’ Boy” Torches That Set Charlottesville on Fire, by Heather Hogan

Heather is so smart and thoughtful and heartfelt in writing about the South and its complicated past and present, and lord knows we could use some of that right now.

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Molly Priddy’s Pick of the Month: Hurraw! Lip Balm

I’m an accidental trendsetter sometimes, like when I was little and had a mullet before anyone else, or when I wore Airwalks because I thought they sounded like space shoes.

Anyway, I accidentally got ahead of the curve on Hurraw! lip balm because I happen to live in the valley where it’s produced, in the northwest corner of Montana, and I was in a checkout line and my lips were burned (it was summer, nothing else you weirdos) and I needed balm. And oh. My. God. This balm is BALM, it’s vegan and raw and organic (like some of my exes), and it really works (not like some of my exes). Flavors are also awesome and fun, like moon balm and Earl Grey, but my go-to is grapefruit. I love Hurraw! because of the exclamation point and because my lips don’t immediately go back to dry BUT WORSE an hour after I use it.

Hurraw! also routinely sponsors A-Camp, which we love.

Try it, and shop local (my local).

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Social Media Spotlight

Usually in this section I (Heather) talk about what’s going on in the wide world of Autostraddle’s professional social media but this week I really need to highlight Executive Editor Laneia’s own personal Twitter because somehow, some way, she has transcended. You should be following her. It is one decision you will never live to regret.

https://twitter.com/grrreen/status/900436933578416128

https://twitter.com/grrreen/status/900013028971642880

https://twitter.com/grrreen/status/899460526974967809

https://twitter.com/grrreen/status/899372675570712576

https://twitter.com/grrreen/status/897697897239777280

https://twitter.com/grrreen/status/897565763254403072

https://twitter.com/grrreen/status/901650023045148672

https://twitter.com/grrreen/status/901308423521697793

https://twitter.com/grrreen/status/901245373892632576

https://twitter.com/grrreen/status/901196124928618496

https://twitter.com/grrreen/status/901157974219014145

https://twitter.com/grrreen/status/900559756628185088

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Come To The Annual Lady Pond Party

Faith: Someone Should Recap This!
Heather: oh good, mr. lady pond himself!
Kaelyn: remember when i wrote about the lesbian Sex Box episode. this feels like that…
aka like throwing up in your mouth a little and swallowing it
also every time he talks about the “lady pond” i think of that totally unrelated monty python quote…
Molly: oh no, do we not like andy cohen
Mey: molly is andy cohen your secret best friend?
Molly: he was a natural extension of my bffs the housewives
but i have literally never thought about him critically
Kaelyn: He’s fine. He’s just a typical White Cis Gay Man
Siobhan: OK I’ve got to ask, lady pond?
Kaelyn: Which Bravolebs and Celebs Have Taken a Dip in the Lady Pond?

Have Zoe or Ilana Dipped in the Lady Pond?
Has Charlize Theron Dipped in The Lady Pond?
After Show: Did Elizabeth Swim in the Lady Pond?
Has Hilary Swank Dipped in the Lady Pond?

Stef: how come everybody else dipped but elizabeth hurley swam
Kaelyn: Swimming is code for fisting, obviously, like just full immersion in the lady pond
Stef: ah i see
Kaelyn: or maybe for lady pond dipping that also involved snorkling
i’m really not sure
Stef: has anyone tried waterskiing on the ladypond
or paddleboarding
or renting one of those swan paddle boats
Kaelyn: taking an aquaduck onto the lady pond
Stef: a nice canoe
Kaelyn: ice skating atop the lady pond
ice fishing in the lady pond
Stef: i think that’s an apt metaphor for my sex life actually
or like parasailing across the lady pond
Kaelyn: wow that’s a big lady pond if you can parasail across it
Stef: it must be
Molly: so andy just lives in the man sea?
Stef: oh i was gonna say the lady pond must be a lake?
why do they get a sea
Molly: i don’t know, i just assumed if he assumed women having sexualities made them sea creatures that his probably does too
Stef: i think they get a swamp
Molly: yeah nice
Kaelyn: drain the man swamp
Molly: i thought about sea just because andy would then be a seaman
which he loves.
Stef: low hanging fruit in this swamp
….
Vanessa: I wanna buy a property in rural Oregon that has a pond and then call the property Lady and then host pond parties
Please Come to the Annual Lady Pond Party
Stef: this sounds a lot like that old maids’ club i found out about that used to be in mukwonago
Vanessa: My friend Niadogin is always hosting pond parties
Her property is called Copper Land
But Cabbage Lane hosts pond parties too
It’s A Thing with old land dykes
Stef: so everyone’s just dipping or what
Vanessa: Yep dipping and lounging
Lounging at the Lady Pool
I think when you’ve been gay for 50+ years you get to say you’re forever lounging as opposed to dipping
Someone tell Andy

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XOXO

Team Autostraddle