Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we’ve decided to dedicate an entire post to answering them every month instead! We think this will be a lot of fun for everybody in the whole family. We have included as many as we can. We love you, your hair looks fantastic today!

I just want tell you all how much I appreciate the work you do to maintain the Autostraddle community. It is so important and special to me and to many others. It feels good knowing that this little corner of the world prioritizes people like us – queer, femme, POC etc. I know that when I need support from my fellow queers, I can talk about it on the A-Camp Unofficial Social page with people who understand. Even when I don’t see eye-to-eye with you on some issues, I admire and respect each and every Staffer. Y’all are my she-roes. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

A-CAMP, MERCH, BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

U ever gonna get gal pal Hoodies in like grey or black? I will look like my liver is failing if I wear that yellow, unfortunately
Riese: BUT IT HAS A SECRET POCKET! Anyhow, I hope so!

Got my free stickers today and they are SO nice. Like, really great quality shit. Thank you for loving us.
Riese: YOU’RE WELCOME

Loved the stickers thanks!
Riese: YOU’RE SO WELCOME!

A camp question! I plan to drive down from Northern California and would love some carpool buddies! Will there be any way to organize that or should I hit up the Facebook group or what should I do???
Riese: Hit up the facebook group! Look I bet you thought I was never gonna stop doing all-caps in this post, didn’t you? But guess what: I’m full of surprises.

I got my stickers todayyyyyyyy that was so fast you wizards you! I put the scissoring sticker on my utensil holder next to my stove and it looks v casual and cool there I must say. gal pal sticker location tbd you can’t rush these things. thank you sooooooo much!
Laneia: Megan’s always wanting to put new AS stickers on her truck, so maybe you should think about that. Maybe put that sticker on a truck!

so like, i have the ability to ask you questions as a bronze A+ member, but i’m not gold or silver, so i can’t listen to the new A+ inbox live podcast. but what if you guys answer my question on the podcast???? there’s no way for me to even know if you answered my question so that i can upgrade in order to listen to the answer. would you guys consider, like, listing what questions you answered in the podcast or something at the very least?
Laneia: We have heard your pleas! Episode 1 is available for all A+ members and we’ve started putting the questions in the excerpt so you can see them even if you aren’t a silver level subscriber. If you’re a bronze member and your question is answered in the podcast you can e-mail me and I’ll send you the podcast, it might take a few days, but I will! Thank you for being here and sharing all your good ideas!

Bring back the Misandrist t-shirt? I’m at a concert and experiencing a dire need.
Riese: There are gonna be Misandrist enamel pins soon! I can promise you that. I can promise you that one thing.

What if someday Mallory Ortberg came to A-Camp and hosted a campfire night where she told scary stories a la Children’s Stories Made Horrific?
Rachel: Well I’d die happy is what

I’m finally financially stable enough to not really worry about my subscriptions anymore, but I’m still so appreciative of the monthly “we’re about to charge you” email. Stay rad, AS.
Laneia: Oh my gosh I thought Amazon sent those reminder emails, too, about Prime subscription payments, but I guess they don’t! Because my yearly subscription payment just came out of my account on Monday and I was NOT prepared. I was so sad/mad! Anyway, YOU stay rad, you dang rad person.

is the fact that you can’t see who liked your comments on articles, only how many people have liked it, a deliberate design feature? will we ever know who has appreciated our incisive wit/endless rants? is the anonymity part of the appeal? whats the deal?
Riese: I think disqus is the only system that lets you see who liked your comments? Our whole site is hand-coded so we can’t generally do complicated things like that.

Sooooo as a Bronze member I got access to the wonderful A+ Inbox LIVE! #1 but don’t get access to A+ Inbox LIVE! #2….? I’m confused
Laneia: Ok so here’s the deal! Can I be real with you? Ok. So the idea of putting a podcast on A+ for silver/gold members was cooked up by a couple of people who were going to help put it together and keep it real real simple for those of us who would not be putting it together, so we were like, “Cool yes, ok sure!” re: podcasts. But then fast-forward a couple of months and several false starts and some people not wanting to do it after all, a fair amount of actual crying, and it became clear that the podcast we’d promised silver/gold members wasn’t gonna be as simple as we’d thought, thereby changing the entirety of the podcasting adventure we call life. However! We’d still promised silver/golds that they’d be getting a podcast, so we tried real real hard to make that happen and keep our promise, but heck y’all, it was still not simple! It wasn’t even something we could put together on a regular schedule! Just terrible. So! In an effort to keep that promise to the silver/golds, and because we are wildly optimistic and maybe never learn our lessons wrt time management, we came up with a whole new way to get them their podcast, thus A+ Inbox LIVE! was born.

Whew!

Because we just hella love all of you and honestly for real want to give all of you all the things, we unlocked Episode 1 for all levels. We were really excited about it and hoped y’all would be, too! But now that it’s on to Episode 2, we have to stick to that original game plan, that promise we made to the silver/golds, so the A+ Inbox LIVE! podcast is just available to those levels. If you can’t afford the upgrade but see in the excerpt that your question was asked, you can e-mail us and we’ll send you the file. Alternately, you can indicate that you’re a bronze member when you ask your question to ensure we answer it here instead of on the podcast.

I have an idea! Have you thought about selling Autostraddle temp tats?!? I would buy so many.
Laneia: We had temp tats at some point actually! Where did those come from? Where they at A-Camp maybe? I don’t remember! But heck yes, I love a good temp tat.

Is the A+ Priority Contact Box really anonymous? Can’t you see our IP addresses or something?
Riese: Yvonne is in charge of pulling questions from the box and putting them into this document, so she does see the user that it came from, but she never tells us and probably forgets the second after she pastes things here.

ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

I paid for camp. I PAID FOR CAMP! I saved up money all year and paid for camp! I AM COMING TO A MOUNTAIN NEAR YOU THAT I HAVE OFFICIALLY PAID FOR. I. Paid. For. Camp. You know that holiday I’ve booked at the end of May? Yeah, I’ve paid for that. The money is no longer in my bank BECAUSE I PAID FOR CAMP.
Yvonne: Yay! I’m so happy for you! See you there, friend.
Laneia: I’m so excited to see your FACE!

you guys what about manny pacquiao making that remark about the lgbt community being worse than animals
Heather: That was so dumb. He was like, “Gay people are worse than animals because animals don’t have gay sex.” I mean, like half of all animals have gay sex. Giraffes have almost exclusively gay sex! Come on, Manny. Even a cursory review of Wikipedia provides this information to you.
Riese: I think as long as there are gay people and idiots, idiots will say dumb things about gay people, and so I try to ignore them.

ugh depression y
Laneia: Seriously! Depression does not take a fucking hint.
Riese: Word.

Hi I have no filter because of ADHD and also my sparkling personality, so over the years I’ve developed a sort of stand-up routine to make my over sharing entertaining to others. and it’s cool and all, people seem to enjoy it, and people who get my humor Really Get Me, but I also use humor to distance myself from my feelings (which I can’t even identify at this point other than “scared and sad and lonely and defeated perfectionist frozen in the amber of terror”) and so essentially what happens is everyone knows everything about me and seems to at least tolerate my presence but almost no one is really close to me emotionally and I feel very far away and strange and sad and lonely. And sometimes I wish people Didn’t know everything. But I can’t not be open. idk why. Holding it in takes its own kind of energy and feels festery to me But sometimes I get so tired, and a customer will ask about my scars, and I don’t know what to say because my self harm shtick that I use to keep people from feeling awkward about asking (they usually have no idea) requires so much energy, it all takes up so much ENERGY. The song and dance routine. The haha I’m depressed but don’t freak out about because So Jokes routine. I like to make people laugh but I’m so tired all the time and I don’t know how to exist around people when I’m not controlling the whole thing with my humor puppeteer style, soapbox style, this isn’t a conversation it’s a monologue with a hint of back and forth. Sorry I know this is a lot, idk, shouting into the void I guess
Heather: I felt like this for the first 24 years of my life. My best friend and sister said I was Heather Hogan and also I was the Heather Hogan Show. And they were right. Like you, I just got fucking exhausted and one day I just stopped, and you know what? My life got about a hundred thousand times better. I stopped trying to make people feel okay about the space I take up on the world and I just started taking up the space I take up in the world. Sometimes I think that need to loudly overshare comes from a sense of shame or worry, that there are things about you that you don’t like and so you’re going to go ahead and say them out loud as clownishly as possible so other people don’t have a chance to find out and blindside you, and so you can also project that propaganda into the world about yourself. I’m tough and hilarious and fucked up and I don’t care if you know it. When I stopped doing that and just started being I got about six hundred thousand times more content with my life. You know a lot of people with ADHD are also introverts? Meaning it’s exhausting to be around other humans and you need time alone or with very close, quiet friends to recharge. Just some thoughts I have, based on my own experience. Good luck, dear one. It’s okay to just be.

I was researching Requiems but then somehow I ended up watching videos of Bhangra teams and then youtube was suggesting “All Delphine scenes in Orphan Black.” The Internet knows me SO WELL that it sort of freaks me out a little. Should I be clearing my cache more y/n?
Heather: Nah. The more you let YouTube know about you, the better it can serve you. Today it offered me a new ASMR video, a video of a nice lady sociliaing some angry feral kittens, and new Samantha Bee video, a new video from The School of Life, a cocktail-making tutorial, and a women’s basketball retrospective. Literally everything I care about in life.

On the Ask Us Anything A+ birthday post last year, I posted a comment about how I thought my mentor person had disowned me and how sad I was and asked for advice, and Riese and Ali both responded with very kind and wise and beautiful advice that I saved and reread many times, and in case you remember that I just wanted to update you: You were right! He didn’t disown me after all! We’re working on our research project together again and I’m contributing to a book he’s writing and he’s just as kind to me as he was before The Time When I Thought He Had Disowned Me, and I’m so happy and so grateful to you guys for helping me get through that time.
Riese: This is just a wonderful thing to hear, just absolutely wonderful!

Every time I attempt to come out to one of my close friends that live my home town, they either have a personal crisis OR we go to a museum and post something on Facebook about it and then my straight best friend from high school (who in retrospect was that one straight girl we all fall for at some point AND on her way out of my life tanked any self esteem I had by pointing out a whole lot of shit that my therapist and I are still trying to unpack way too many years later) ends up trying to find us because she works at the damn museum and we end up trying to avoid her so my anxiety attack doesn’t turn into a heart attack and my friend doesn’t punt her halfway across the country. So I just changed my Facebook “interested in” to women to make myself feel a little bit better about the shit show of my attempt to officially come out to my friend ended up being. Small victories and all that.
Laneia: Reader, I am proud of you. I am “interested in” how well you’ve handled this very annoying and frustrating situation. GOOD WORK.

oh magic A-te ball, will i ever get laid again

I’m housesitting for friends who have a super cute place with things like a wood chute/wood burning stove and a giant tub and 2 great cats and it used to be a COFFIN FACTORY!!! what? And I’m making rugelach tonite for my tattoo artist bc i’m getting my chest piece finished tomo, i wrote a new blog post, and i splurged and bought tickets to see the Savages for when i’m back in AZ to run a race &visit my fam. So basically, tonite i’m 100% winning, and i hope y’all are having a great night/day too, and i just thought i’d share. :)
Yvonne: You’re totally winning! I’m actually a little jealous of your awesome day.
Laneia: Whoooaaa rugelach! So inspired.

Hey girl hey I’m on Effexor XR and I need to get off it. I feel terrible and have been feeling increasingly anxious and depressed to extreme levels. I knew alcohol wasn’t a good idea when taking Effexor but I felt like that was one of those warnings like hey you should probably wash behind your ears every night. But I have just made the connection with my wanting to exit the world and drinking. I only feel this terrible when I’ve had a few beers. Ok so keep away from alcohol when on anti depressants and run like the wind if anyone recommends you Effexor because there are so many people on forums who are struggling with withdrawal symptoms like brain zaps etc. google it if considering please. PSA
Riese: omg I have read about the brain zaps online and everybody I have asked about brain zaps doesn’t believe me! BRAIN ZAPS. Also I am the worst and in the past have mixed alcohol with pretty much everything, although to be fair I did end up in the emergency room once. Anyhow, okay everybody, this has been your Effexor PSA. BRAIN ZAPS. No but really if anybody has feelings about Effexor they want to share, please do! Maybe it has worked for you or maybe not. Personally I have really enjoyed Wellbutrin. Also once upon a time I was on Celebrex, which’s like an arthritis medication, and every time I went to Happy Hour I’d have to stop at Burger King on the way home to throw up, so. That’s my PSA.

I just got around to reading the A Camp 6.0 re-camps and it’s giving me a lot of feelings good and bad of the camps I went to and how I miss you all and I miss the mountain. Even tho I was sad and anxious and lonely most of the two times I was there. I hope I can come back again one day now that I’m more brave and understand myself better. I’ve been twice and never hugged a staff person. Sad night and sad feels about sad camps. Camp is magical. But sometimes magic is sad. I kinda feel like I’ve never gotten the space to share my stories of being a sad camper. Sad campers club is something I need.
Riese: You know what though this is true and important. Some people are sad at camp! Some people don’t like it at all, and it’s not what they expected. But even the unhappy people seem capable of positive nostalgia most of the time. From reading feedback surveys over six camps, there have been maybe 4-5 people who genuinely thought A-Camp itself — the concept, the programming, the staff, the overall feeling in the air — sucked. But more often than that are people who didn’t click with any of their cabinmates, or didn’t feel like they fit in, or couldn’t transcend insecurity to put themselves out there, or got a crush on somebody who didn’t like them back… it happens. Looking back on it, though, I think we as humans often want to remember things as being wonderful or at least having the potential to be wonderful, or maybe things just seem shinier when by definition the anxieties of the moment no longer overcome the potential for wonder. But you would not be the only member of the sad campers club! Still, I think it’s important to try, to go, you know? Speaking of a thing you’ll always wonder about. The happiest campers tend to be the ones who worried a whole bunch that they’d be the saddest and then got there and were the happiest, then the happiness feels happier. I think.
Laneia: Oof sad campers club is so real.

Guys, I am having so many Shane feelings #lword
Riese: I wrote this EXACT thing in my diary in 2005!

My stickers came in the mail today!!! I’m so happy and I put the gal pal one on my laptop IMMEDIATELY. Buuuut I’m overthinking the scissoring one. Can it also live on my laptop? Is it WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE to have just casually hanging around in everyday environments? WHAT DO I SAY WHEN MY MOM (or some curious high school camper that I will work with this summer) asks about it? Really the more I type this, the more I’m like “WHO CARES IT’S NOT LIKE HETEROSEXUALITY ISN’T EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME.” So my scissoring sticker will probably also live on my laptop. Thanks for the help, lil contact box!
Riese: My girlfriend’s little sister asked for a scissoring sweatshirt (and got one!) because she thought it meant “cut the crap.”

coming to terms with my stuffed animal rhinoceros that I’ve had forever falling apart. need hugs.
Rachel: Babe I know it’s hard but this just means that your stuffed rhinoceros knows that you are ready to go through life without its physical form being present, you’ve got to trust that it knows what it’s doing.

Gaaaah, I know I’m all up in the contact box this week, but I read the comments on the Kesha article and just want to make all the people who keep asking why she didn’t press charges read so many things about how the system is terrible for survivors and then also read The Revolution Starts at Home because that is what I am reading this week and it’s changing my life.
Riese: Yeah also they should read this.

Now that I’m going to A-camp (YAY!), I’ve started telling friends/family about my vacation plans, and I’ve stumbled when they’ve asked what A-camp is. I’m not exactly out, but I’m not exactly not out. I’m bisexual/queer and some of them maybe know that? I know I probably just need to stand in front of a mirror and practice saying “I’m going to queer camp” so it just comes out when anyone asks. That’s possibly not a great solution once coworkers start asking though. Also, my roommate asked if the A in A-camp stood for Awesome, and I said yes, yes it does. I explained the queer women’s camp thing to her but I also thought, hey I can tell people I’m going to Awesome Camp if I’m not up for coming out right then. Any other thoughts on how to navigate this would be helpful
Yvonne: I think this is your chance to just come out to your friends/family, if you’re safe and comfortable with it of course, and let them know where you’re actually going! When it comes to acquaintances and co-workers, maybe you can just be non-specific and just say you’re going on vacation on a mountain in California! It’s none of their business anyway. Lots of A-campers have been in this same predicament so if you have any advice, dear readers, please chime in! Here’s what past A-campers have told people where they’re going instead of A-Camp.

I got too curious and read a bunch of articles about lexa’s death and that episode of the 100 and I shouldn’t have because straight people are collectively useless and one person said that maybe lexa dying was actually a symbol of equality because the lesbian character wasn’t getting “special treatment”. WAEIOGHILSEGHWDOPFUQIELTYWEYITWEOPHTFHISEOHGEIHAEIOPYTIPWEGIOSGISDGIHSDGHIPIPIPQEIPIP anyway, thank you guys for being not awful, and also for this ask box because I don’t want my friends to disown me because of my extended mourning over a dumb show. I love you guys and this place and thank you for being the place that Gets It (TM).
Riese: See what we did there? That’s what we do.

I just wanted to share that I finally watched Grandma last night and Lily Tomlin wins all the things.
Riese: Okay, my Mom also saw Grandma last night, so are you my mom? BE HONEST.

i read a comic that was about how a non binary person feels when people misgender them and someone replied saying that the non binary person had no right to be angry when cis people “can’t read their mind.” we had a really long comment talk where i explained a lot of things to them and in the end they said that they felt the comic was unfair to people who don’t know what non binary was so i told them that the comic wasn’t drawn to make them feel comfortable as a cis person, it was drawn so that the non binary person could show their experiences and feelings and that if they felt it was unfair, then they were allowed to have that feeling and that maybe they could write a comic about it. ha ha see what i did there? SEE WHAT I DID THERE????? yes i wasted about two hours commenting to a stranger in another country instead of doing my laundry and dishes.
Riese: Okay not to make you feel worse about not doing the laundry and dishes, but I feel like sometimes people present a work like that to the world and they are read by people who interpret that work as, in fact, instructional, and then they are mad when it wasn’t helpful but instead demanded something of them they felt unable to be capable of doing. I think that’s just a knee-jerk human thing. Like if we published that comic here, our readers would read it like something we wanted them to relate to — that we were giving it to them so they could commiserate with the artist — but then when somebody puts it on social media, it becomes something they are asking people to learn from, and sometimes people don’t react well to that if they feel the instructions are too hard to follow. You know what I mean? Anyhow, in conclusion, I’m glad you stood up for what you believed in and I hope that you eventually got the laundry done and feel good about it.

Right before I went to bed last night, I suddenly remembered that I drunkenly came out as trans to a girl I went to school with at a party on Friday. And I’m kind of freaking out. I wasn’t ready to be out yet. I didn’t really want many people to know before I was ready and able to make progress on my transition. And worst of all, this girl definitely would not have been my first choice for first person to tell in real life. She was nice about it (I think). But we’re not even close friends anymore so it wasn’t the profound, emotional experience I always thought it would be. I can’t even remember what we were talking about before I blurted out, “I think I’m transgender.” I mean, I guess I just had an aching desire for someone to know what I was going through and in my incredibly drunken state, she seemed like the best choice at the time, but I can’t help but feel like I wasted an important moment on someone who isn’t actually very important to me. And even though she was supportive, I’m not sure I can trust her to keep it a secret either. I’m also mad at myself for getting that drunk. I had planned on drinking just the very small amount of whiskey that I brought with me and nothing else, but there were free jello shots and I hadn’t been to a party in a long time and I guess I got carried away. UGH. Anyway, I don’t know that I have a pressing question or an all-consuming need for advice. More like just an all-consuming need to talk and I didn’t have anyone else to talk to about this. Thanks, Autostraddle.
Riese: Look, that was your practice round. It didn’t happen on purpose — you were drunk, she’s not who you would’ve come out to normally — it happened on accident and it sounds like you actually learned something from it about what you do want your first coming out experience to be like! That being said, I really hope this motherfucker does not take it upon herself to come out to everybody for you. If she does, I want you to know that our head witch will put a hex on her.

I finished all of my finals by monday of finals week and now I have TWO weeks of spring break!!!!!
Yvonne: Wow, I’m super jealous. I hope your two weeks off are super restful!

Just dropping by to thank you for providing the best content on the Internet ever. And for being wondrous beings made of light and endless patience. Also your hair looks really good today.

HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION

Are there going to be any episode recaps for Transparent season 2? I have ALL THE FEELINGS about it.
Rachel: We addressed this in our last STYBASU! There are not going to be S2 recaps but I bet there are lots of other Straddlers who would love to talk about your feelings on it!
Riese: Recaps are so time-intensive so if they don’t get enough readers or comments then we can’t keep doing them. Unforutnatey I do think this season would’ve done better than the last season — BUT what we’d hoped was instead that there would be a lot of essays and think-pieces about it? Any submissions?

where is the daria/jane fanfic?!?!
Riese: I just realized Daria/Jane fanfic might have a lot in common with Rachel/Stef fanfic, if that exists.

Can a Queer Girl City Guide for Austin happen? xoxo Gossip Girl
Rachel:If someone can write one for us then yes! Who is that person. Where are they.

You guys NEED to watch/recap ‘Just Jillian’. They are literally the cutest gay couple on TV! Highly, highly recommend.
Riese: To be 100% honest with you I am so mad at Jillian Michaels for The Biggest Loser, I think that show is so fucked up! But yeah it would probably be good to cover in Boobs Tube.

This is one is probably for Heather or for Mey (or any other comics expert on staff): Is there any iteration of Harley Quinn where she is queer? Other than fan fiction, I mean. I’m just sitting her sipping on hot toddie and imagining Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy as gal pals, sharing an apartment in Gotham, you know? Or being the Therese to Catwoman’s Carol? That would be amazing.
Heather: Reader, that is how I spend many of my nights in the winter too! Harley and Ivy never been showing kissing or making out or professing their love to each other or anything, but in the Gotham Girls comic book mini-series as well as a couple of the Batman animated series movies, they are very VERY friendly. And DC did confirm last summer that they are in a queer poly situation.

Yes, they are Girlfriends without the jealousy of monogamy. @jpalmiotti @AmandaRantsAlot #HarleyQuinnChat https://t.co/n86jApADCi

— DC (@DCComics) June 12, 2015

I have a question for Beth. Hi! I just picked up another oracle card deck from Doreen Virtue. How long does it take for an answer from the cards to manifest in your life? I am just curious. Thank you, I love your tarot columns!
Beth says: Thank you so much for your lovely words! Not to be ridiculously vague, but this can really depend on so many things, beginning with how you actually approach your cards in the first place.

For my part, I don’t believe that the cards (tarot or oracle) can tell you ‘what is going to happen and when’ in so many words. I don’t believe that the future is predetermined — I feel that we actively create our own futures and I use tarot and oracle cards to help with that. It’s more that they can illustrate the kind of path you’re on — by examining and asking about what’s going on with you, patterns of behaviour and energy you’re giving and dealing with, you can get an idea of how things will unfold. If you feel the same as me, it’s a case of really feeling that outcome you’re seeing in the cards, visualise it, imagine it happening, manifest it in your mind. How soon do you want it to happen? What can you do/not do to help ensure that outcome? And crucially, what might need to be done first? (A quick tarot example: “When will I find my dream job?” Tower + Page of Pentacles: When you quit or get sacked, and then get freed up to explore what you really want to do!)

On the other hand many people do use their cards to predict the future. If this is you, then you have a much more solid approach to predicting timings. Most simply, you might build timing into your spread (card layout) by asking “what will happen next week/in six months/in ten years/after I break up with XXX?” Or, you might use special systems, where different suits, colours, symbols etc can represent seasons, months, days of the week (Biddy Tarot has some examples here). If you’d like a system like this, as you’re using oracle cards I’d recommend working out your own system. Play with your cards, ask lots of ’timing’ questions, and keep notes of what you see. Do the cards group themselves into categories, do certain colours suggest seasons? Are the cards numbered, and could these translate to ‘days/weeks/months from now’? Barbara Moore shares some helpful suggestions here.

Please write an article about places I could put my new A+ scissoring and gal pal stickers i’m so indecisive
Laneia: I believe if you go back through previous SATSTYBAUs, we’ve discussed where to put your new stickers! I think Yvonne had some ideas.

I was amazed to see in the last SATSTYBAU that someone else wrote in to ask about wanting to go to A Camp and being concerned about being too old for it. I had the same concerns – would it be weird? Would I feel out of place? I even wrote out my question – the same damn question! – and then deleted it because I felt weird even asking. I mean I’m almost 50, and most of y’all look like you could be my kids if I’d ever had any. And then I was amazed again when y’all wrote back to the OP to say it was just fine, even for us young at heart oldsters. So here’s my followup question: What about AS meetups? Are they as age-diverse as you say A Camp is? I’ve chickened out of going to those because I figured I’d be 20 years or more older than everyone else and I’d want to hide under the brunch table. I noticed – in another coincidence – that you did a piece recently on AS meetups. And again, everybody looks so much younger than me.
Laneia: We’ve talked about this a lot, especially at A-Camp when we have our meeting with queers who either came out ‘late in life’ or are currently over 35, and the conclusion we always reach is twofold: 1) We should put together a 35+ meetup event/weekend and encourage older readers to host and attend, and 2) Y’all have to host and attend some meetups! Because if no older queers go to the meetups because they look like they’ll only be full of younger queers, then they absolutely will only be filled with younger queers. So that’s the thing! Where would older queers want to meetup? What would y’all want to do? You can tell us in the comments here or email Carmen (carmen@autostraddle.com) or drop suggestions in the Priority Inbox!

where’s the best place to buy black skinny jeans? i don’t want high-waisted, just looking for your average cool girl black skinny jeans! with….dare i say…pockets? is that possible?
Riese: American Eagle or Uniqlo! That’s where mine are from.

Why no coverage of the Sydney Mardi Gras? The parade and end of the Mardi Gras Festival was two days ago….and I still have glitter in my hair!
Rachel: I was going to say that it’s because we don’t have any writers based in Australia anymore after Crystal immigrated to the US, and then I realized that actually we just don’t really cover prides and haven’t for a few years now unless we have some special angle on it, like how Molly Adams is a really rad photographer and so she is capable of doing a cool photoessay. I confirmed this understanding of the situation with Crystal, who said “I did a fairly extensive report on my Mardi Gras parade experience once and people gave very few fucks.” I did get to find out about Sydney Mardi Gras’s Ruby Rose float with Ruby Rose impersonators, which sounds like quite the event, so that was neat for me!

There is a show called Younger with Hilary Duff in it, and in season 2 episode 9, Matthew Morrison fucks a sheep. Also there are queer ladies in the show as the besties of protagonists, and I don’t think they will die at the end (?), so maybe recap it? But mainly relevant to your interests bc Matthew Morrison fucks a sheep. Named Stella.
Riese: Heather talks about this show in Boobs Tube!

Okay, everyone has a lot of feelings, that’s why we’re all here, but I’ve read like four comment threads today getting mad about gay-lady wording like they’ve never read the comment policy before, maybe we should have a post about it and everyone can air their drawers and we can talk about TV some more. err, I meant a post about the comment policy existing, not labels, which I know we literally just had
Riese: My fear is that the people who need this post most severely are the ones least likely to read it? But also I want you to know that it warms my heart whenever a commenter jumps in and lays it down for those who refuse to follow instructions.

“I found the perfect remedy to waking up late on Sunday and immediately thinking of all the things I need to prepare for tomorrow: read Autostraddle.”

I NEED ADVICE

okay so I am like 95% through a bottle of wine and trying to process this—I am never trying tinder again.
roughly 40% of a bottle ago, I thought “the girl I’m maybe lowkey dating hasn’t texted me in over a week, including valentine’s day! it’s super new and we haven’t had the monogamy/relationship convo yet so it’s totally fine if I scope out some options”
so I downloaded tinder and got a few matches right off the bat, possibly due to somewhat sketchy photo choices
I started chatting with this girl, she was super dtf and sending nudes left and right (fortunately I didn’t reciprocate, because my paranoia levels are >9000) and I honestly don’t understand how this happened but for some reason she mentioned Pearl Harbor in kind of a sketchy way.
by ‘kind of a sketchy way’ I mean she implied that Pearl Harbor was the product of a conspiracy and I was like “…um, what?”
because I wasn’t exactly looking to start a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP with her or whatever but also, although I have not had occasion to articulate this to myself or others before, antisemetic conspiracy theories are a dealbreaker for me. and these conspiracy theories were hella antisemetic.
at this point wine levels were about 66%. so, I straight up asked, “do you believe in Zionist conspiracies because tbh that’s probably a dealbreaker for me” which prompted a lengthy rant demanding to see my academic qualifications and blaming ‘the jews’ for basically everything. at this point I definitely knew sex would not be happening with this woman. apparently I’m not capable of letting things go for nsa fun. so I just said, “yeah…I don’t think any of that is true” (wine level: ~80%, chill level: ???) which prompted an uninterrupted 15-minute flurry of messages about how I was ‘deluded,’ ‘intolerant,’ and an ‘ignorant american’ (context: I was born in the US to nonwhite immigrant parents & am currently living elsewhere in the world) culminating in her blocking me before I could respond. not that I actually know what I would have responded.
so…I kind of feel like I dodged a bullet there? I wasn’t even the one who brought up WWII jfc
but also, I’m 27 and this is probably the worst romantic/sexual experience I’ve ever had since I stopped dating men, so either I’m hella undersocialized or I’m winning at being twentysomething.
I guess this isn’t that important of a thing, but do y’all have any advice or terrible sex/romance stories that might help me put this in perspective? until now, I’ve just been so lucky with knowing great queer women that this was completely unexpected, and now I feel kind of naive for being thrown for a loop.

update: I’ve sobered up a little and just want to say that you totally don’t have to respond to my last message! I wrote it when my brain was equal parts wine and wtf. That was definitely not what I imagined my first A+ communication to be.
Riese: Well I want you to to know that this post really exceeded my wildest expectations of your first A+ communication, whoever you are! I mean you literally said, “I wasn’t even the one who brought up WWII jfc” which is definitely the first and probably the last time that sentence will pop up in our inbox I can tell you that much.

hi! i was reading an ex-girlfriend interview in which heather talked a bit about how her ADHD affects her sex life. i’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD and i’m trying to figure out in what ways it might affect my sexuality, so i was wondering if heather or someone else with ADHD would be willing to talk more about those experiences? thanks!
Heather: For me, it’s just certain things I cannot deal with, noise-wise, and it doesn’t matter if I’m writing a recap or answering this question or having sex. I need white noise. I cannot stand the sound of silence inside a room. (I do like silence outside, like in the woods and stuff.) Or I need music with no lyrics. I can’t concentrate if anyone is talking in the background, whether it’s the TV or a real person chattering away. ADHD doesn’t effect my sex drive (neither do any of the meds I’ve ever taken for ADHD). It’s just that the ways ADHD manifests themselves in my daily life don’t turn themselves off just because I get turned on.

Ok, can someone help me learn how to love The 100??? I’ve tried to get into it; I’ve tumblr watched the important scenes in gifs. I started it on Netflix. All to no avail! Some background info: I’m a queer lady just shy of 30. I’m not averse to sci-fi/ fantasy, but my tastes can be particular (Pro: Star Trek, Harry Potter, Once Upon A Time, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Batman, Buffy. Con: Star Wars, Superman, Battlestar Gallatica, Xena, pretty much everything else not listed. Neutral: Hunger Games, Orphan Black). As far as my tv tastes, I tend to lean towards soapy dramas of the teen and adult variety- All things Shondaland, PLL, The Fosters, old school Gossip Girl and Dawson’s Creek. And a smattering of sitcoms. I like watching girls make out and fall in love. WHAT AM I MISSING HERE? I want to love The 100. I feel like I’m missing out by not loving The 100. The 100 is taking over my internet fan tv fan spaces left and right- including the AS comment threads! I want to join the party, but can’t seem to find my “entryway” to it. Can anyone help?? Im missing the “spark”. How would sell the show to someone like me?
Riese: Honestly I didn’t really get into The 100? Also, I love Hunger Games and I love Battlestar Gallatica (although it took me like over a season to get into it, and I liked it more when I re-watched it) and I didn’t love Once Upon a Time, I love Shondaland, I loved Dawson’s Creek. But part of what I didn’t like about The 100 is just that Battlestar is so much better and smarter! But I had the same problem with Battlestar that I had with The 100 which’s that there are SO. MANY. MEN. in it. So many! And most of them really not all that different from the rest. I am so bored of so many men.

I think living so long in the closet changed me into someone who obsessively keeps secrets. I’m so scared of other people’s opinions of me that I never let my guard down with anyone. It’s making my life very lonely. How do I learn how to let people in again? I think I need a therapist.
Laneia: I believe a therapist is a golden idea. I’m not sure I’ve shared this exact kind of experience because I think I more or less gut myself to everyone upon introduction, but I do know that feeling of having a million things pent up inside of a brick box in your chest, and not trusting anyone else to know how to unlock that box or help you hold all of the slippery heavy things that will come spilling out of it. I went to a therapist at a time when I didn’t have anyone, and while she was mostly useless (sorry she totally was! I’m sure she’s a very nice person and I wish her well etc), I was glad to have someone I could practice on. I don’t currently have a therapist, so if there’s something I’m afraid to share but feel like I should be sharing, I practice how I would say it to someone while I’m in the shower, or when I’m cleaning the house and no one’s home. I just say it all out loud, and sometimes I go back and reword some part or decide it’s not actually what I need to say after all, and I take notes so I can hopefully say the things to a real person one day. Letting your guard down is a monumental achievement, every single time it happens. Even in the shower by yourself. I’m sorry, this probably didn’t answer your question very well! I’m holding you in my heart though.

Hi! I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a couple months, and she has a three year old son. I know that a few of you have kids, and I’ve been reading the parenting articles you’ve posted, which are great, but I was wondering if you had some advice specifically about being in a relationship with someone who already has a kid. Her ex-husband is not in the picture at all and lives out of state, and my girlfriend has always been a single mom (they got divorced right after her son was born). Most of our time together is with her son, and luckily, we get along really well and I already love him like crazy. We talk about eventually getting married and co-parenting, but we both know that we’re not to that point, yet. I guess I feel a little awkward because he’s HER son, she’s a single mom, and I want to help and also be his mom, but I know that we have to build up to that point. So I know that the main thing is communicating with her a lot about it. My best friend said that “okay, well, right now, you can have the role of an Aunt.” Can you recommend any queer parenting blogs/books? Anything about being the girlfriend of someone’s mom?
Laneia: I’m going to put together a roundtable thing for you! And for people like you! It’s gonna be AWESOME. If y’all have any other questions about dating as a single mother or dating single mothers, email them to me at laneia@autostraddle.com or stick ’em in the inbox!

Ha! I found the contact box! Finally! Hi! First, I want to say that I ADORE this site. It’s my go to whenever I feel like putting off my work (which is all the time). I need advice. So, I’m in my 20s and I’ve never been in a relationship or done anything with anyone before. And I’m trying to break out my shell and build up my confidence. It’s working a little, but I still have a long way to go. And there’s this super cute girl who I work with. We’ve had like, maybe, 4 or 5 conversations but they all last 5 minutes max. Still, she seems really sweet and nice. And I want to ask her out, but I’m sooooo afraid. And I made a bunch of bookmarks for Valentine’s Day for my classmates and I had extras, so I gave her one. (Actually, I really wanted to give her something without being super creepy, so I decided it was easier if I just made a bunch of bookmarks under the pretense that I was making them specifically for my classmates. Does that make me a horrible person? I hope not!) But anyway, she loved the bookmark and the week after I gave it to her, she thanked me for it again and said she was using it for her textbooks, which, hearing that made me smile for the rest of the day. So I don’t know what to do…I really want to ask her to the movies or something, but I’m afraid of: 1. Rejection 2.Making a fool of myself 3.Coming off as a creeper. Please help me! And also, stay awesome!
Yvonne: Hi! I would say to just go for it and ask her to the movies? IMO, I think you’re worried about all the things you listed because you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to have a perfect “date” and have things work out with this person. What if you just thought of it as just hanging out with this super cool person? And then you can go from there!

i’m so scared. i hate anxiety. i know there’s not really anything to be scared of / the only thing to really be scared of is letting my anxiety take over my life, but. here i am. anyway i know a lot of y’all deal with anxiety, either the pathological kind or the less pathological but still difficult ‘my life is incredibly stressful’ kind. what do you do when you feel like this? and/or i just wanted to type these feelings somewhere, thank you for holding space for all our damn feelings, you guys are champs, take care of yourselves!
Rachel: Oh hon I’m so sorry that you’re feeling like this, I do sometimes and it’s terrible! Right now my teeth and jaw hurt a lot because I keep grinding my teeth/clenching my jaw compulsively this week and it’s the worst. You are maybe tired of hearing this, but if you’re feeling like you’re constantly working to keep your anxiety from taking over your life, then therapy/medication/a combo could really change your whole life! Other than that, things that work for me sometimes are: making a list of everything weighing on me so I can see that it’s finite, taking care of one small concrete task (like changing the litterbox) so I can see that my life is somewhat under my control, taking a real hot shower, going to the gym, running photos of my cat through digital makeup apps.

Y’all are smart and excellent and have all the answers to everything, apparently, so please tell me: where should I move next year? Just finishing a year contract abroad and looking to move back to the USA, but I don’t know where I want to go. Not anyplace excessively hot (like Houston or Phoenix) or excessively cold (like the Twin Cities). Any ideas? (really I just want y’all to plan my life for me, kthx)
Riese: Have you considered the Ann Arbor or Detroit metro area? It’s very nice! It does get cold though. Have you considered Nashville, or Raleigh/Durham, or Asheville? The Bay Area has perfect weather but it’s also so expensive. Portland or Seattle might be a good fit also, although they’re both getting more and more expensive as well. Salt Lake City? Boulder? Iowa City? Those are my ideas.

Laneia: I think New Mexico is also really beautiful and has nice weather! Right? Seems right.

Hi guys! My wife will be travelling with our cat from the Philippines to here in LA. The cat will be about a year and a half when that happens. I’m not sure about how to get him used (?) to his carrier? Does anyone have some advice on how to make him less anxious maybe? Has anyone here done this before? He’s pretty much an indoor cat but does spend a lot of time outdoors. He seems shy around a lot of people. I’m also in a rut about how to take care of him in our soon to be apartment. I’m very worried that he won’t like it here and become depressed and something bad might happen to him. PLEASE AS, you have never steered me wrong. Thanks!
Cee says: I’ve brought cats back to the US from Thailand. If your wife is sending him in cargo, I recommend having the carrier open in her home for a few weeks prior. Put treats inside and things that smell familiar so the cat isn’t scared of it. Also, don’t drug the cat – the flight is too long and the drugs will wear off mid flight and the cat will be even more scared coming out of that in a place he doesn’t know. During the flight, put a worn t-shirt or something with a familiar scent into the carrier to comfort the cat (and a towel too).

I believe Delta airlines is the only airline which lets you carry an animal in the cabin on international flights to the US, and they do fly out of Manila. It was $200 extra for that. This may be a bad idea if you have a loud cat like I did. Make sure your paperwork is in order, especially if you’re stopping at Narita as they will meet you at the gate and they are extremely strict in Japan. On the US side they don’t really care much, they just check that you have a rabies card.

As for after arrival — cats adapt! I would not worry so much about him being sad, he’ll be fine.

How do I navigate my genderqueer identity and hooking up with people??? I made out with this awesome & smart friend yesterday, but I don’t know if I should go any further with her (even though I like her!) because she kept referring to me as a “butch woman” and talking about feminine my face is (my face is just my face! And I’m not a lady!). She was trying to compliment me, but I came home to my partner (we’re non-monogamous) feeling kind of crushed. I’m pretty newly out as genderqueer, and I’m at my happiest presentation-wise that I’ve ever been. Basically, I’m finally confident enough that I can flirt at the bar and admit I have crushes on my cute friends. But this keeps happening :( I know identity is tricky and sometimes people aren’t going to understand you right off the bat…but it makes me feel pretty bad to be invalidated RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of a hookup.
Anna says: Hello, first off: SOLIDARITY. I totally understand this feeling and this frustration. Also congrats on coming out as genderqueer and feeling happy in the way you’re presenting! This is something that’s probably going to come up often (at least it has for me). I think the sooner I can come out as genderqueer/what pronouns I use/what to call my bits and what not to call my bits, the better and smoother it is for everyone.

For flirting with someone new, the best way to make things clear right away is to ask them their pronouns and then state yours. If you feel your pronouns don’t necessarily clarify your genderqueer identity, maybe say “I use __ pronouns but identify as genderqueer”. If they (friends or new people alike) make mistakes on pronouns or call you a lady or whatever, correct them. This can get SO old but for some, especially people you’ve known for awhile, it may take awhile and repeated reminders before catching on.

You are right though, not everyone is going to get your identity right away (or at all). However it is within your right to stop making out with someone if they are not getting it right. Make-outs should leave us happy and elated, not feeling defeated. It might ruin the moment but pausing to clarify, “no I’m not a butch woman, because I’m not a woman” or “actually I don’t really like it when people point out my feminine features” is okay. Seriously: It Is Okay To Stop At Anytime If They Are Not Getting It Right. I’ve stopped sexy-times during the make-out stage and I’ve also stopped when we are both naked-and I’ve regretted it zero times. Having good intimate moments mean we must be able to express our discomfort, not just the things that make us feel good.

What romantic thing can I do for our first anniversary? I have little money and lots of love. She is a super human that deserves all the things. Also, I can’t cook.
Yvonne: You know what you can do for little money and pamper your someone special? You could plan a special weekend staycation! Last year we hosted Autostraddle’s International Staycation Spectacular and we gave y’all lots of ideas of how to make your staycation fabulous. I think it could be very romantic and fun to do these things with your gal pal!

My girlfriend is going through some really intense stuff in her work and her family and it’s all coming to a head. I’ve been doing my very best to be there for her, but there are times when she has to have her space to work things out. It hurts when she cuts me out because I care about her so much and hate that she’s going through all of this. I’m also trying to take care of myself through it all which is something I haven’t been good at in the past. How do I help her and how do I deal with the times when she has to cut me out to take care of herself while maintaining a strong and healthy relationship?
Laneia: It’s so great that you’re dedicated to giving her space when she needs it and also taking care of yourself! Maybe you could implement the “sleep when they’re sleeping” rule that new parents live by? So when she needs her space and lets you know it, you can use that time to take care of yourself and get your own space. Think about some restorative adventures you could go on alone or with a friend — like staying in a bookstore for as long as you want to, without anyone suggesting that it’s time to leave when it’s obviously not; or deep cleaning your bedroom; or working your way through a new cookbook (or a new restaurant’s menu). I always maintain that doing some interesting and enjoyable things by yourself/not with your person will help you have a stronger, healthier relationship.

Hi people! Just received my A+ stickers, thank you very much! I feel like one o’ the family and such, and my round A+ sticker is in proudly on the middle of my laptop,.(In between a Storm trooper and Chewbacca.) Hypothetical-or-not-so-hypothetical. A bestie you’ve had warm fuzzy feelings about for ages reveals they also have warm fuzzy feelings in return for you and you simultaneously realise you’ve both been very silly – juust before they need to leave to go to a different continent. They are coming back but not for months. How do you keep your teeny gay mind from imploding in the mean time?
Laneia: Oh man, I’m probably not the right person to answer this question. Um I can tell you what not to do? Don’t stay locked in your house/bedroom the whole time they’re gone. Don’t talk about them constantly, don’t think about them constantly. Don’t make plans. Don’t stay on the phone with them for hours. Don’t wait for text message replies. Don’t look at this time without them as waiting period. Force yourself to be present in your life as it is right now, right this minute. This is your one wild chance to be who you are today! That’s exciting! Be excited about yourself!

Guys, I am so ready to quit my job but have no idea what I want to do next. Please help! xx
Laneia: Get lots of sleep and take a shower! Make yourself a delicious breakfast! Go outside! Read! That’s just for tomorrow. I don’t know about the other days.

How bad of a look would it be to write on my dating profile, “Dear newly out queer people, I am no longer willing to be your gateway drug”?
Riese: This will be answered on the next episode of the A+ podcast!

serious question: is it a bad idea to have another girl in my profile pic if i am single?
Riese: This will be answered on the next episode of the A+ podcast!

2:30am’s loudest question: how can I feel like I am enough?
Laneia: I think you have to choose to believe yourself, so that when you tell yourself, “I am enough!!” you’ll just believe it. You’re enough, btw. You really are!

I want to go to Julia Nunes concert in Northampton Mass next month, but I’m not sure my girlfriend will be up for it.. any tips on finding other autostraddle people in the area that might want to make new friends and go with me?! I don’t know anyone else who listens to her music but I really want to go to the concert… Thanks!
Laneia: A local Facebook group would  be an excellent start I think! Or the Friday Open Threads maybe? Do people still use OkCupid for friend dates?

I think I’m ruining my partners life. I’m sick. I have some chronic, so far undiagnosed condition (doctors are thinking Crohns or Lymes…) and I’m sick All. The. Time. We count good hours and bad hours. Not good days and bad days. She takes care of me when I’m sick. She leaves work. She doesn’t call her friends. She worries about me and can’t focus. She needs to pay attention to the other parts of her life, other than my illness. I need to, too! The problem is when I start throwing up for hours and everything else is just no longer important. But how can we sustain a healthy, nurturing relationship where we both grow, when all I do is feel sick, and then all I’m doing is zapping her energy? I want her to bloom! And I’m vomiting all over her/the toilet. Also I’m probably up for gallbladder removal surgery because the fun never stops. Do I leave her? So that she can be healthy and happy and not have to take care of me? Do I stay and support her therapy? Do I move out and live with my parents (I would be so miserable) and try to just “date” (that’s not going to happen. once partnered it feels impossible to go back to something casual). How do I take care of her? I feel like I’m/She is/We are losing her in all of her taking care of me.
Yvonne: I’m really sorry this is happening to you at the moment! I totally feel where this question is coming from. My partner of five years recently had surgery to remove some neuroendocrine tumors from her pancreas and liver, meaning she had a really weird, rare cancer. She’s going to have follow-up appointments for the rest of her life to make sure it doesn’t come back. Since January, when we found out she had cancer, it’s been non-stop doctor’s appointments and tests and this and that cancer-related thing. There’s been so many ups and downs so it’s been very hard for both of us. As a partner, I had to be very supportive when she first found out and be strong when faced with some daunting uncertainty about what the hell it means to have cancerous tumors. I’ve gone to every doctor’s appointment and have held her hand every time she’s needed to get blood drawn because she has a needle phobia and needs someone with her to calm her down. I’ve been there when my partner has cried uncontrollably and is depressed at the thought of not living our lives as fully as we wanted. I think it wasn’t till a full two weeks after we found out she had cancer that the weight of everything just fell heavily on my shoulders and I cried a lot and had a shit ton of anxiety about everything. She got surgery to remove the tumors two weeks ago, which was also challenging for numerous reasons, one of them being I had to interact with my partner’s homophobic parents (I think we’re better now, but that’s another story for another time).

My partner and I love each other very much and want to be together for always, as cheesy as that sounds, but even with her knowing that, she’s asked me the same questions you’re asking here about your partner. I’ve told her countless times that I’m always going to be here for her and right now, this is the obstacle put in front of us and I’m going to be here with her while we overcome it. Of course, it’s a pretty overwhelming and challenging obstacle, but I love my partner so much, I want to help her get to a place in her healing and recovery so that we can have lots of fun and happy times. Just know that your partner is doing this because she loves you and wants to go through this with you!

But of course, for your partner, taking care of you is probably physically, mentally and emotionally draining for her. This is where your larger support system comes in! The greatest thing that has come out of all this cancer bullshit is that my partner and I have realized we have incredible family and friends that love us and want to help us. I think it’s crucial for your larger support system to be there for not just you, but your partner as well. We have a dog and the greatest thing my friends have done is take him out for walks on days we really didn’t have the energy to take him out or care for him properly. Your friends are key to helping you and your partner out when you just can’t do every day things. Don’t be hesitant to reach out to them for help. Encourage your partner to talk/text her friends or family for extra emotional support. Just having someone listen to your partner, helps tremendously. I think it’s pretty crucial to encourage your partner to focus on her own self-care needs, whether that is going to dinner with friends, getting out of the house to enjoy a coffee at a cafe, reading uninterrupted for an hour, getting a pedicure — whatever it is that gives your partner joy, tell them do that for a while. She probably feels guilty for not taking care of you every moment so let her know it’s ok to enjoy herself. My partner went to her parent’s house for the week because she knew I needed time for myself. This weekend I plan to read, eat Whataburger, and go to Target — the simple things in life — because I haven’t done those things in a long time are crucial to restoring myself.

As for nurturing your relationship together, I think taking care of yourself is nurturing your relationship. Be gentle with yourself and your body and just know that your partner wants you to feel better and be happy and to do that you’ve got to take care of yourself. It’s really hard to have some moments of happiness when you have an illness but try doing something fun together, even if it’s small. My partner and I have a newfound joy in watercoloring and coloring! Also, it might be hard but just talk to each other, have all these uncomfortable conversations, air out all your doubts and confusions about where you’re at right now. This will hopefully strengthen your relationship.

I keep telling myself that my partner’s cancer is just temporary, that this whole thing is just temporary and that we’ll get over it soon and can move on with the next thing life throws at us. But I also know, that our lives are completely transformed now and that we have to live with the fact that the cancer might come back. It’s a balancing act of these two things and I’m choosing to be positive and be as supportive as possible for my partner during this time and all the time. I hope you find some healing soon and that you and your partner continue to bloom together!

Hi! My little brother (8th grade) recently came out as trans. He told me and his primary caregiver a few months ago, and recently my sister (who is in her late 20s) found out. She is tentatively supportive but also told me that she thinks he’s too young to really know what he wants, and she kept misgendering him. I told her I would send her some information about trans people and trans teens in particular and she said she was open to that. She lives in rural New England, and has a very straight, conservative, religious social group. She’s pretty accepting of the LGB community, but her knowledge/understanding of the trans community and the issues affecting them pretty much consists of Caitlin Jenner and that’s it. Do you have any suggestions of resources for someone who is basically starting from scratch with their understanding of what it means to be trans? I want to make sure my brother is surrounded by as many supportive family members of possible, and I feel like my sister could get there, but needs more good info. I’m just not sure where to begin to “ease” her into it, because I’m pretty immersed in the queer community, and starting at square one with someone feels daunting, especially since I want to go about it in the most effective way, because there’s a lot at stake. Basically, helpppp. And also sorry this was so long!
Mey says: Okay, so first off I’d say that there’s tons of info out there. Trans teens seem to be all over the place now and that’s GREAT. Laverne Cox’s MTV and GLAAD documentary The T Word has some great depictions of trans teens, as does most stuff with Jazz Jennings in it, also this Trans*Scribe essay by Eli Erlick. And if you want to show your sister (or other people) that people much younger than your little brother are coming out as trans and are happy, if you search google for trans kid video, you’ll find a bunch of videos of happy kids who’s parents support them. This one’s pretty cute. A lot of these videos of younger trans kids are obviously younger than your brother, but I think they work well for introducing people to the concept of trans kids and youth because they explain it in a very simple, straightforward way.

This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids is geared more toward gay kids than trans kids, but from what I know of it, it’s got some really great stuff for people who may be largely unfamiliar with how to deal with having an LGBTQ family member.

Also, while this website is actually for parents of trans kids and teens, I think it works for adult siblings of them as well. There are lots of great videos and resources here.

Aja, help! I want to understand serums and toners to better care for my sensitive, mostly dry skin. I am a teacher which leads to stress and not a lot of time/money to experiment with new skin care, sadly. :(
Aja says: There, there, little duck! Toner isn’t what it used to be. When old-school soaps were harsh enough to fuck with skin’s delicate pH level, old-school toners would simply reset it. Today, toners are the foreplay of skincare; they warm your skin up for whatever’s next. So what’s next? It can be as simple as moisturizer, but it sounds like your dry, sensitive skin might benefit from some extra love, which is where a serum or an essence comes in. Serums are basically a viscous liquid, often clear, jammed full of ingredients to love on your skin, and if it seems like there are a million of them, it’s because no two skins are alike and your serum soulmate is out there. Think of it this way: When you get a minor injury — a bug bite, or a rash from a plant or pet, a burn, a scratch or small cut — you don’t use one thing for all of those little troubles. You might use calamine to soothe, an anti-inflammatory ointment to calm an angry spot, a burn gel to nip pain in the bud, and an antibiotic like Neosporin to prevent infection. You might use a combination! Serums are not OSFA, but they can hydrate and give dull, dry skin its radiance back, and come in a formula that won’t exacerbate things. Essences work the same way and have traditionally been a little closer in consistency to water, but in choosing a product to give your skin a boost, ignore the serum vs. essence debate and focus on the ingredients and results you’d like to see.

If I were to write you a little beauty prescription, it would be to find a lovely, inexpensive, non-drying misting toner (sometimes they are called face or facial mists or sprays) and buy two. One for your medicine cabinet and one for your bag or desk drawer at work. You’re stressed! The ritual of giving your dry skin a spritz of relief and taking a moment for yourself whenever, wherever could be the self-care ritual you didn’t know you needed. Make sure your current moisturizer is a good fit, and find a serum or essence that’ll pump your skin full of gentle ingredients that’ll encourage your skin to guzzle and retain as much moisture as possible. Try the K-beauty aisle; that whole look is about plump, dewy skin and could be just the vibe you need. Good luck and let me know if you have any further questions!

Hey I just wanted to say happy 7th birthday to Autostraddle! All of you guys are so amazing and the work you do here is so important :) There are always such interesting and entertaining articles on here and for that I just wanted to say thanks! Autostraddle is my fave thing on the Internet because there’s such a warm and friendly community – the only place where I always bother to read the comments :)

MISC

Maybe it was just gay-baiting, but the last episode of The Witch Who Came in From the Cold had super gay vibes and I need someone to ship Andula/Tanya with me RIGHT NOW please. (from SerialBox, same company that did Tremontaine, though that is no guarantee that this episode wasn’t just a tease)
Rachel: I don’t know what this is but based on this description I’ll probably have read all of it by the end of the weekend, so! Count me in.

you guys what about manny pacquiao making that remark about the lgbt community being worse than animals
Rachel: It was real bad I think! I mean obviously there’s more to unpack there but also, just, how do you see that there’s a microphone turned on next to your face and decide to go full speed ahead with that thought

This is so exciting! Almost enough to make me want to have a kid! 
Riese: LOVE IT

Every time I listen to Robyn’s “Dancing on my own” I think of Camp. What song reminds the staff of Camp?
Laneia: “Uptown Funk” definitely.
Riese: “I Don’t Care (I Love It!)” and “Waterfalls” and, yeah “Uptown Funk,” which I hated before camp! I remember when Marni was like, “don’t worry, we’re doing Uptown Funk,” and I was like, “well, now I AM worried.” And then it was marvelous!

I just wanted to mention that Laneia is smokin’ hot! I’m saying this so there will be at least one mention of this fundamental fact in every edition of SATSTYBAU.
Riese: Thank you for taking care of this you are definitely doing the Lord’s work.

what if there was a box where y’all could ask a+ member random things? WHAT THEN. do you guys need advice ever? seems a bit selfish to make this box all about us and our feelings
Laneia: This would be genuinely fun I think! A thing I would like to know is, what is everyone cooking for dinner these days? I’m so bored with my dinners. I’ve made those chicken quesadillas like every week since the Super Bowl. It’s getting out of hand.

DID LANEIA ADOPT BOJANGLES OR WHATTTTTT
Laneia: Oh I have the saddest/best news! He was scooped up by someone else in our neighborhood and they’re holding him hostage AHEM I MEAN they have given him a home and maybe he’s happy? But! The tortoiseshell cat that was always too shy to come around when Bojangles was here has now started hanging out a lot more, and she even let me sit with her while she ate the other night! I’m gushing about her in Friday’s AAA.

I tried to read a Fosters recap on a different website and the woman who wrote it kept calling Mike “Hot Dad Mike”, so I probably won’t be venturing away from the Autostraddle recaps ever again. (also, I wouldn’t be mad if Heather started calling S&L Hot Mom Stef and Hot Mom Lena)
Heather: I feel like if you’re watching The Fosters and the thing that excites you most is Mike, maybe you should find a different TV show to watch?

Have you seen this interview? It’s a great piece speaking to Latino identity and one woman in the beginning is wearing the scissoring shirt. 
Rachel: You have quite an eye, anonymous querent, because not only have we seen it and not only is that person wearing a scissoring shirt but that woman, Isabel Alcantara, is a writer here at Autostraddle. We talked about that short film interview piece in our newsletter, too!

I just wanted to say thank you for existing. You make my life better. That is all.
Rachel: This is so crazy because it’s also how I feel about you???

I’m so glad I’m going back and reading everything I’ve missed this last week! You guys are just continually knocking it out of the park. There’s nothing even left in the park anymore, I think it’s all been knocked into the forest surrounding the pleasure dome.
Rachel: Is this when the camera zooms out and we find out we’ve been in the pleasure dome the whole time?? Seriously though thank you so much!

Now, Guitar Stores. I’m fucking Done with condescending middle aged men in guitar stores. And with the show offs who come in and loudly play riffs that just sort of, never end? Like if you must show off, why not play a single song to its conclusion, instead of forcing us all to ask for a solid thirty minutes “please God, let this next part be the bridge”
Stef says: omg, this has been a problem with guitar stores since the beginning of tiiiiime. i will say that i have noticed guitar center has gotten a LOT better about hiring women and i usually try to talk to women working there whenever possible; they are way less likely to try to sell me a guitar shaped like a daisy. as for the incessant noodling, they are doing it to impress each other, and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. best thing you can do is tune it out, or make more noise than they do.

omg I just listened to the A+ inbox podcast and it was so great. You are all such champions and it warmed my tiny heart hearing that you worry about commenters who disappear. I genuinely feel super grateful that this/you all exists so thank you x1,000,000 xxx
Riese: AWWWWWWWWWWWWW DANG

[the 100 spoilers] i’m fucking sobbing why do queer characters always die?? and they acted like it was going to be different and they put her death in the same episode as their first time and i am so furious because they have no idea what it feels like to have your representation be broken relationships and bloody bodies on the ground
Riese: Listen. We’re here for you. I know sometimes people get let down but look and listen, honeybee, we are not here to let you down, we are here to lift you up.

Riese, do you still take cocaine? Why or why not?
Riese: I believe we will be discussing this question in a future podcast!

Self-medication with illicit drugs: discuss
Riese: I feel like endorsing any type of self-medication on this website would be irresponsible. On the other hand, we’ve all been there and sometimes it’s cheaper than health insurance or it’s not like pharmaceuticals are exactly 100% safe either! But I mean, no! Avoid self-medicating because you could get yourself hurt and less healthy than you started out with. Oh man I feel like I just might as well go hang out in a den of lions I don’t know how to answer this. What qualifies as an “ illicit” drug?

I had the shittiest night last night – barely slept, super lonely and anxious and feeling like I’d wasted much of the last 8 years of my life. But then today after I survived work Heather Hogan was responding to all the cookie post comments with Mary Berry gifs and it just made my day. Thanks, Heather!
Heather:

Heather just wanted to say that I am currently watching bob Ross for the first time and thank you.
Heather: Oh my gosh, you are so welcome! I watched the one last night where he does a cactus at sunset. It’s so neat when he starts with black paint on the canvas first!

Riese, y’all’s dog is cute! Just wanted to say-outside of possible comment judgement — I’m also not a dog person who has a gf who IS. We have 2 rescues: def separation anxiety in one that caused food aggression in the other. We did everything training wise but it was NOT working. Not that I think your dog needs this or anything but just wanted to say prozac for dogs is a thing that we’ve done for 2 years now and it has made life a hundred percent easier with these pooches. No more constant having one glued to me, no more fights between the two and no more freaking out/eating the house if I need to run to the mailbox alone. Just thought I’d put that out there from someone who has googled many similar dog related questions. Fyi — if you have houseplants and use organic fertilizer pellets and your dog digs and eats all of them b/c they are irresistibly delicious, all will be okay.
Riese: Well thank you for reaching out my fellow Dog Novice! Fancy is overall pretty well-behaved, actually, which is extraordinary for a dog who has been through what she’s been through. But I will KEEP THIS IN MIND. xoxo.

wait didn’t riese have a different dog!? the dog from the AS newsletter is not the same dog in her dog ownership article? I’m putting this here because maybe it’s personal like maybe things just didn’t work out but I feel crazy bc I swear that’s a different dog.
Riese: Okay, yessss. Yes I did. I’m gonna talk about this more in an essay I am working on, but we did have a different rescue dog first, his name was Zeus, and he attacked me violently and it was terrible so we had to give him back. It was sad b/c he’d really bonded with Abby despite him wanting to murder and eat me.

do y’all ever think about space? #space
Riese: We will be answering this in the next podcast!

HAPPY SEVENTH BIRTHDAY YOU GUYSSS
Riese: THANK YOU!

happy birthdaay autostraddle! I love you
Riese: I LOVE YOU MORE

I honestly don’t know where I would be without you guys. I would be this lost queer in the world not knowing about sex toys and recipes that have ginger. Happy birthday you guys
Riese: I don’t know where I would be without YOU guys. Probably on a riverboat, underdressed for the weather, eating melon balls. Also I feel like the things you have mentioned specifically I can attribute to Carolyn, so GOOD JOB CAROLYN.

OK, BUT JUST LOOK AT THIS HEATHER. 
Heather: I’m just imagining her showing up a book club I was at by surprise and me just fainting dead away like the Holy Ghost slayed me. Or, like, maybe just scooting to the corner and crying there silently to myself. Or dying. I wonder what kind of cake they baked to lure here there!? I’ve watched all six seasons of Great British Bake Off; I’ll bet I could do it too!

Riese I just wanna say that I’m sorry so many people can’t be bothered to read introductory paragraphs to lists on that one post (you know the one). I wanna say : thank you for doing this post, it is so very needed, and sorry that the comment section got so ridiculous by people coming in to add a 50th “but what about Xena! What about Paulie!”. Thank you for this list and I love you
Riese: Hey! I love you too! And I enjoyed making the list and working with everybody on it, and also I loved all my little warriors going in there and telling those people that Lost & Delirious is a movie and the whole deal with Agents of SHEILD so that i didn’t have to say it myself over and over. That made me super happy, like probably how army captains feel when they are navigating a boat through the deep waters.

Mey!!! I heard your lovely self on Popaganda! I was so happy to hear you talk about Witch Hunt and all of your witchy practices, especially the ways that you’ve blended them with your culture and Catholicism. Ah!! You are my witchy idol <3
Mey says: Thanks for listening! That means a TON to me because it’s been my goal to be interviewed on a podcast forever and I was super nervous I didn’t do a good job (that podcast has some SUPER great guests and I was unsure I could live up to them). And thank you so much for saying that I’m your witchy idol! That’s one of the best compliments I’ve heard in a while! You totally made my day!

Retro-Question: December 2015

Y’all asked this question in December and now we have an answer!

Whatever happened to the girl who was doing the column on joining the army? Is she okay? I worry about her sometimes.
Laneia: Hey! I’ve reached out to this writer and will let you know when they reply! I think about them a lot, too.

Presley: After basic and AIT, I was stationed at Camp Casey in South Korea, which is a hop, skip, and a jump from the Demilitarized Zone between North and South Korea. While I was there, I started seeing a therapist on base for what I’d thought to be garden variety depression and walked out one day to the sort of baffling realization that I am trans (apparently every relative, friend, and acquaintance I’ve ever made pronounced a solid “Duh!” to that). I started coming out to my superiors and had a pretty easy time until it came down to the trickery of Army Regulations regarding trans folk seeking possibilities for medical transition. When that need came into scope, one of my brigade leaders caught wind and gave me two options —pretend nothing was happening and stay, or, affirm what I needed and go. I took the latter, and as of January 29th last year, have been honorably discharged.

Since then, I started seeing a civilian therapist and doctor and have been on testosterone since last March. In November, I legally changed my name and gender on ALL OF THE DOCUMENTS!!! I went under the knife for top surgery and have been generally fucking fantastic aside from all of that.

I’m commuting between tiny town Nevada and Oakland to finish my MFA, and have a very lovely lady who puts up with all of it.

I’ve been trying to squeeze in time for community things, too, and worked with the PFLAG chapter in Carson City to take part in a panel discussion about sort of demystifying trans folks in rural areas and bringing more understanding to the overall needs of transgender people in Nevada.

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