Welcome to the fourth edition of Sunday Top Ten, a list of completely random and undoubtedly self-indulgent things that may or may not be published on a Sunday or number “ten.” This feature is a continuation of the Sunday Top Tens I used to write for my earth-shattering personal blog Autowin, where I talked about myself pretty much constantly from 2006-2008.Â
First things first: I don’t really hate your cat. If you caught me telling your cat “I hate you,” I was just kidding, it’s a joke we do together! No but seriously, I wish I liked cats. For starters, they look delightful in photographs! Furthermore, lesbians love cats, and kittens (aka “pre-cats”) are such charming little animals (until they become cats, because I hate cats). Alas, I’m very much allergic to pre-cats and cats-proper in a sloppy, enflamed, itchy, eyeball-scratching, face-sneezing, eyes-watering, nose-running, body-not-sleeping kind of way. Often cat owners take it really personally that I don’t want to hang out on a couch coated with allergens or sleep over with my head smashed into the same pillow their cat uses for Cat Naps. Honestly, y’all, sometimes I’m amazed cats have any hair left on their bodies because it’s seriously all over your furniture and your coat. There is an actual animal’s worth of hair on your sweater! I thought your sweater was a living thing! Also, litter boxes are uncivilized. They’re filled with — let’s be honest — the ashes of dead Nazis — and topped off with tiny foul piles of animal waste. Nobody wants to see that, especially me.
Ultimately, I think dogs are better creatures than cats on a few levels (and somehow my allergy to dogs has faded significantly since childhood) but not all cats are awful. Some of them are pretty okay.
Top 18 Cats I Don’t Hate
1. Winston
It was really said when Rich Juzwiak (blogged as fourfour, now writes for Gawker) and his boyfriend broke up in 2012 and then Winston no longer belonged to us on the internet. Still, because the internet is forever, you can witness some of Winston’s best moments on a pinterest board entirely devoted to his existence, read an interview with Winston on Buzzfeed, and think to yourself, “why is this cat the only cat Riese watches videos of on the internet?” (BECAUSE HE’S  HILARIOUS)
2. Salem Saberhagen
I love how this cat was like, “I can talk, and I’ve got shit to say.” As I recall, he was a pretty sassy cat, and the laugh track on Sabrina the Teenage Witch found him HILARIOUS!
3. Simba
The Lion King is a masterpiece and Simba is the baby lion we all dream of cuddling with at night.
4. Oliver
Oliver and Company is one of my favorite Disney films ever and I feel it is desperately underrated. I’d love to see Oliver and Company on Broadway. I once performed the whole musical on my futon for my parents, I think they really liked it. My rendition of “Perfect Isn’t Easy” was a highlight, for sure.
5. The Nope Cat
This cat is hilarious. Our Tech Director Cee printed out a bunch of Nope Cats and brought them to A-Camp (an annual retreat/conference/camp hybrid for queer women hosted by this website) and hung them up all over. It was funny.
6. A-Camp Cats
Speaking of A-Camp, now that we’re headed into our sixth A-Camp, I’m really running out of new exciting names for our cabins. I can usually rely on some kind of feline, however, and over the years we’ve had cabins called Wildcats, Thundercats, Hellcats, Cat Power, Panthers and Tiger Beat. Stay tuned for Pussy Riot.
7. Whiskey Kitten
This kitten saw us through some of our darkest days! Like that time that Autostraddle stopped working in Google Chrome, that time Autostraddle stopped working period and basically everything about life that has ever been difficult. This kitten was there. Bless the man who photographed the kitten, and bless G-d for inventing whiskey.
8. Hobbes
“Calvin & Hobbes” is my favorite comic strip of all time!
9. Crookshanks
I just started reading Harry Potter for the first time (I know!) and therefore am only 75% of the way through The Prizoner of Aztecland, so I can’t say much about this cat besides that Ron is really mad at this cat right now for killing his rat. The thing is that rats are gross, so two thumbs up to this cat for getting rid of it. Owls for everybody!
10. “Cat” from Breakfast at Tiffany‘s
I lived with a cat for about two months, and I wanted to name it “cat,” but my roommate insisted on naming “Moo.” I called it “Cat” though, regardless. I didn’t even remember that Holly Golightly had made the same decision! But then I saw the movie again and was like, holy shit, we are both geniuses!
11. Catwoman
The best thing about catwoman is that she’s actually just a woman, but wearing a cat outfit. The cat outfit is usually very tight and sexual and has been worn by many ladies over the years including Eartha Kitt, Michelle Pfeiffer, Anne Hathaway, Lee Meriweather, Julie Newmar and, notably, Halle Berry (As per the poster above. I didn’t actually see Catwoman but the poster looks nice).
12. Marie
I don’t remember The Aristocats very well but there’s a cat in it named Marie. Marie is also MY name (Riese is my nickname), which means I have something in common with this cat. We also have lots of things NOT in common, like I don’t pee in a box.
13. The East Dillon Lions & The Dillon Panthers
Much like Coach Taylor himself, I can’t really choose between these two outstanding groups of gentleman, but I’m pretty sure they don’t shed, so.
14. We Are All Made Of Kittens
This is a tumblr Laneia and I made about ourselves. It was pictures of cats but it was things that actually happened but with all of us, like at my apartment in New York during Pride, or at Dinah Shore or other times. It’s really funny and honest and I highly recommend it. Kittens featured on this monumental work of art include Design Director Alex Vega, founding team member Tess, former managing editor Sarah Palmface, former Tech Editor Taylor Hatmaker and ALL OF THE INTERNS!
15. The Cats Of “The Real L Word”
The cats were bored when we were bored, confused when we were confused, and hungry when we were hungry. The cats made B-Roll into A-Plus-Roll. Given the choice of watching a show about cats or a show about Romi, I’d probably go with the cats.
16. Look At That F*cking Stuff Lesbian Kittens Like
This was one of our most brilliant post ideas of all time. It was cats being lesbians. Click on it, you’ll see.
17. The Cheshire Cat
This is like your kinda-annoying friend who always has really good drugs, I think.
18. Lord Tubbington
Lord Tubbington is a cat I can tell I wouldn’t like in real life, because he seems really prone to shedding. But I really appreciate his contributions to Brittany S. Pierce’s Fondue for Two, a webseries within a series I have to recap called Glee. It’s pretty awful, writing this post was much better!
