This has traditionally been done by way of individual Formspring accounts, Autostraddle’s Tumblr and a Formspring Friday column, which has all been very fun and insightful. But, because Formspring has a character limit and we’re wildly optimistic w/r/t our time-management skills, we thought we’d go one further and let you use our ASS private messaging to share advice-related feelings, too.
For more info on sending in questions, see the bottom of this post. Let’s get down to bossing people around on the internet! Today we’re gonna talk about orgasms again. It’s like all we do here. Welcome to Goodburger, home of the orgasm advice column, can I take your order. Here we go!
Q:
This girl wants to do me. She’s made this pretty clear. I kinda want to do her. She recently told me she’s never had an orgasm. Now I feel pressured to get her to the big O now. I dont know, I just dont want to feel inadequate. So yeah, awkward penguin :/
A:
Okay, so there are a few things here. First, congratulations on a girl wanting to do you! That’s awesome. Some people will never get that far in their lives. It’s also cool that she’s “made that pretty clear,” because a) having that level of communication with any partner, no matter how casual, is really cool and b) it’s really great to be with someone who very straightforwardly wants to be with you. I mean, there are probably things that are worse than sleeping with someone who is sort of reticent or halfhearted about it, but not that many.
I wanted to ask about your second thing for a minute though, if that’s cool? What do you mean “I kinda want to do her?” I mean, obviously you can decide to sleep with whoever you want for whatever reason you want, and it’s probably just common sense to realize that at some point in your life you will sleep with someone for less than excellent reasons. But, especially since we’re talking about feeling obligated here (more on that in a minute) can I just wonder out loud what it means that you’re working yourself up about a girl that you “kinda” want? Because her wanting to do you doesn’t mean you have to oblige her, and before you start thinking about being “pressured” maybe you wanna think about how bad you really wanna be doing this girl at all? Just a thought!
Now, on to your actual question: orgasms! Or even just one orgasm. Based on your question, there are a few things I wanna say about orgasms that I sometimes worry people don’t get, whether they are gay or straight or girls or boys or a combination of everything like rainbow sherbert:
1. Your partner not having an orgasm doesn’t mean they’re not attracted to you.
2. Your partner not having an orgasm doesn’t mean they don’t love/care about you.
3. Your partner not having an orgasm doesn’t mean you’re inadequate.
4. Your partner not having an orgasm doesn’t mean you had bad sex, or didn’t have sex.
5. Sometimes people don’t have orgasms.
Here’s the thing about you and this chick: I don’t know how exactly she brought up the fact that she’s never had an orgasm. For all I know, she said it while gesturing wildly at her crotch and simultaneously winking and mouthing “Until you, baby!” If that is what happened, then yes, I guess maybe she is pressuring you to give her an orgasm for the first time. If that was not the case, however, I’m going to go ahead and say slow your roll, because you are way overthinking this thing.
I get that having sex with someone new, or let’s be honest having sex ever, is nervewracking. It’s like making pastry crust or brokering peace in the Middle East; what if you can’t hack it??? But unlike both of those things (except the pastry crust, that’s actually pretty doable) having sex is not as hard as you think it is, and your partner is not holding you up to the impossible standard that you think they are. Specifically, I would say that your partner is probably not walking into your sexual encounter thinking “by God, I am going to have an orgasm with this person, or we’re going to keep trying until one of us breaks something.” I mean, who is that person? Paris from Gilmore Girls? And by the same logic, they probably DON’T want you coming to bed with the same mindset. Some of the worst sex anyone has ever had is of the “this girl is going to come if I have to take a jackhammer to her clit” variety. I mean, have you ever been on the receiving end of that? It’s awful, it’s exhausting, it’s grim, and it feels like it will never end. I don’t want to speak for everyone, but I’m pretty sure most of us, your girl included, would rather have nice sex that doesn’t end in orgasm than have to live through that and fake it just so the awkwardness ends. The thing is, having orgasms is not necessarily that easy; some women just never do it ever, even with a Hitachi Magic Wand that makes you coffee afterwards. And especially if you’ve never been with a person before, it’s a lot to expect; they don’t know you and what your body wants yet, and it takes a while to get to that level of communication, even for people in relationships. If either of you seriously think that sleeping together the first time is going to be like the rainbow unicorn scene in Anchorman, I would reassess.
Here is what I’d recommend: I get that based on your question that this girl isn’t going to be your Life Partner Forever Family, and is more of a casual thing. But that doesn’t mean you can’t talk and communicate! I’m not talking about serious processing, but more like “Do you think you might come? It’s ok if you aren’t. Would you like to? Would you like me to keep going? Do you need a break? Do you want to watch this episode of Parks and Rec for a while instead? I know, Rashida Jones is so pretty, right?” And if she does want to come, then you can ask her how exactly she wants you to do everything, and to be really clear with you about what feels good and what doesn’t. And if she doesn’t, then that’s totally cool! That doesn’t reflect poorly on you, or on her, at all. Because ultimately what makes you an “adequate” sexual partner isn’t how many times everyone comes, but how much you respect your partner and what she needs and wants. Nothing awkward about that at all!
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