Welcome to Excerpts From My Super-Secret Diary, an A+ feature for Silver & Gold members in which we publish for you some of our incomplete and/or highly personal thoughts we’ve written down, often with actual pens. Today, KaeLyn has selected excerpts from her recently recovered Livejournal chronicling her quarter life crisis in the years immediately following her entry into the real world.

What I know about myself in my mid-twenties is that I felt like the world was going to collapse if I didn’t find my TRUE PURPOSE IN LIFE, that I both deeply desired and vehemently resisted stability, and that I really overused ellipses wow that’s really the worst part. What I know about myself now, over a decade later, is that the world is huge and I’m a tiny speck, the future is open to a million different possibilities, and I’m going to be just fine and it’s a damn privilege to be able to believe that and I’m grateful AF. I present to you, a queer woman on the verge of a quarter-life crisis, in excerpts from my now-private LiveJournal account.

Me, a recent college grad with a new boifriend, a pet rat and big dreams circa 2005.

1.

In other news, everyone went back to classes on Thursday and, though I’m glad I am out of there, it was so WEIRD to not be going to class with Waffle and our friends. I can’t wait ’til Waffle graduates and we can get out of this area. I feel really… bogged down… here.

2.

Sometimes I just want to light an entire pack of cigarettes, put them in my mouth and run around naked on a bed of molten grass screaming at the top of my lungs. It has been…

…that kind of day.

[Author’s Note: WTF is “molten grass”?]

3.

Stuff with my parents is still tense. Basically, we don’t talk about it. It’s kind of like old times except now I have a girlfriend and they just pretend I don’t… or something. My grandma and grandpa on my dad’s side are having a lot of health problems, and they are stressed out with that, so I don’t want to make things more complicated for them. I don’t pretend that I am straight for them, though, and I refuse to do that ever again.

4.

Finished another job app. I’m going to walk down to the laundromat and pick up the car from Waffle and mail it! I win!

5.

I guess I’m just stuck in a rut. I know now that I want to go back to school for my Masters in Social Work.

6.

I have an interview at AmeriCorps on Wednesday. So hopefully I will be employed soon. They have a TON of positions still open, but I think they are all part-time, so I’d need to work a second job even if I do get a placement with them. I’m still excited about the opportunity, though!

7.

It’s strange. Half my friends have real jobs or at least real big people lives. The other half are still students. It’s a bizarre feeling when you find out old friends have gotten married and have children or are senior managers at some office or whatever. Especially when you’re still putting in waitress applications.

8.

So all my shit is officially in Waffle’s living room. I think her roommate is coming up today, so I’m going to make some attempt at making the apartment presentable. I am kind of free-loading for the short-term. I’ve been calling around, looking for a decent-sized 2 bedroom that takes pets. So far, it’s been OK, but everything I’ve seen so far has been a little more than I’m really interested in paying. So, if you are looking for two roommates and a cat, call me!

9.

I think I am just tired of running from one thing to another, which is what I always feel I’m doing. I mean, I’ve moved in and out what feels like ten million times this summer alone. And I went straight from high school to college and always worked during the semester and in the summers and now I feel like I have to go straight to a good job or graduate school. I am tired of always having my ducks in a row. It is kind of freeing to not know what is coming next. I wish I could learn to enjoy it and not let it freak me out. I just pray that I don’t procrastinate to the point that I end up at McDonald’s again. LOL. But it’d be my own fault of course.

10.

A sad day it is when I have to shower and get dressed for an interview at… Oswego McDonald’s. Yeah, I know. I am dying a little inside, believe me. I hate hate HATE working for a massive international super-corporation with their whole arm all up in the evil, evil, factory farming meat industry. But…I have heard nothing about the jobs I DID apply for and next month’s rent is sneaking up on me. I’m still putting out applications to other jobs and crossing my fingers. Thank god I can move out of this city in a year. What would be really sad…is if McDonald’s doesn’t hire me today. Then I may very well break down and weep.

11.

I hate being the closeted girlfriend. The weird thing is, I’m so not closeted anywhere but in my own family. And even there, I’ve been out since I was 17 to my immediate family and I am no longer hiding it from my extended family, either. If anything, I just feel like I’m back in the closet whenever I go home. It’s like taking twenty steps backwards.

12.

So in 3rd grade, back when BOCES still thought it was a good idea to bring live animals into classrooms for science projects, we raised butterflies from eggs. This was supposed to teach us about the life cycle. Like most BOCES experiments, it was fascinating to me, but most of the other kids took it as an opportunity to torture or kill the poor “specimens.” I have this awful memory of a boy in my class. I don’t remember much about him other than that he had brown hair and was slightly taller than me. What I remember is him taking the plastic container with his larvae inside and turning it slowly upside-down, then right-side-up, then upside-down, over and over. It was worse than shaking it, which would have just been mean. What he was doing was letting the larvae get comfortable and then tipping it gently and seeing how long it would cling to the top or bottom of the container before it lost its grip and recoiled, tumbling to the other side and landing on its back. It was really cruel. I believe I told him to stop. I was bossy. He probably did. I just felt so bad for that larvae.

13.

I just had my interview with APPS and I think it went very well…except that I was a 1/2 hour late! I got lost. I know. I called and told them I was late and lost, but yeah… I still got there at 11am instead of 10:30am. Fabulous first impression, I’m sure. Poor sense of direction. Check! Poor time-management skills. Check! Can’t get her own head out of her ass. Check!

14.

I know that I am ready to take Waffle and my relationship seriously, that I am willing to make sacrifices to make it work. I am only 23, and who knows if this is “it” or whatever, but I love her and I need to stop being so guarded in my relationships. Wow for getting boring and mushy. It is 3:15am and I’m still awake because I closed at work tonight. I guess I will go join Waffle and Kitty in bed and try to sleep. It feels like the page is turning.

15.

It makes me sad not to go home for Thanksgiving or Xmas, but I would rather be in Oswego with people that don’t make me feel as though I have to hide who I am. I need to distance myself from my parents until they can accept me as I am. We are not on bad terms and I love them so much, which makes it hard, but they are unwilling to deal with my sexuality and they are, I have to admit, homophobic towards me. I am now strong enough to see it and realize that they need to come to terms with them and that, if they don’t, I really might have to walk away from them.

16.

Discovered Pandora free internet radio today. Maybe I’m old and out of the loop and everyone knows about it, but if you don’t, try it! http://www.pandora.com It’s the shit! So far I’ve built a Nirvana station and an Ani DiFranco station. Cool shit.

17.

I have taken several loans from my girlfriend which I will have to repay. Well, I’m sure she doesn’t want me to, but I will.

[Author’s Note: I did not.]

18.

I minced a whole head of garlic today and I think the odor is going to haunt me for days. I hope Waffle likes the sexy smell of raw garlic. Feeling better today… and less like a desperate loser who should just go back to college…

19.

So, I haven’t posted in a while mostly because I was feeling depressed, worthless, and pathetic, and didn’t want to let everyone in on my suckiness. Truth is, I couldn’t find a job and ended up working at Oswego McDonald’s for the past two months. Yes, it was terrible. Actually, the people aren’t too bad and I guess the job is OK. Working for an evil anti-union, pro-meat industry, employee-exploiting, piece of crap international corporation was a bit… unsettling for me ethically. I was recently getting very, very depressed about it all. So I’d been applying for jobs, going on interviews just to find out that I wasn’t what they were looking for, feeling like crap about my two B.A.’s, and barely making ends meet. But this week everything turned around for me. I am finishing out my scheduled shifts at McDonald’s next week and starting two new jobs! I finally heard back from SAF and after an interview in October and a long time of waiting for their decision, I was hired to work full-time at the women’s shelter. I’m really excited about it and, though I know the kind of bull that goes on at SAF among employees, I am really looking forward to the work. Finally, a job that I am proud of, and where I can actively help other people. I had my final interview with Planned Parenthood this Friday, too, for a part-time position as their VOX Recruiter and Liaison. I heard back from them the same day and they are hiring me, too!

20.

I went out and bought some new “big kid” clothes this week, as I figured I couldn’t make it through a whole month wearing the same three or four outfits every day. Eventually, someone would catch on that I was really a poor college grad with no savvy for business casual clothes that prefers ratty jeans and oversized sweatshirts and oversize scarves.

21.

I wish my family was as warm to Waffle as her family is to me.

22.

Sarah got me a lot of cool things for my office and some vegan briefcase-style/tote bags. She majorly broke our $15 limit, but I couldn’t hate her for too long. I broke it, too, but not nearly as grossly as she did. She got me these cool hyacinth bulbs in a glass container. You just keep the roots wet and they flower for two to four weeks. They are on my office desk right now, near the window. They are just starting to open.

23.

I am at work and, as some of you may have gathered from my many bulletins on MySpace yesterday, bored out of my mind. You see, I am going through hotline training, so I am at the office a couple days a week literally waiting for the phone to ring. That is all I do all day. I have run out of things to do today unless someone brings me something. I am getting paid to update my Livejournal right now and it is not even because I am slacking off. You’d think this would be ideal, but I really hate sitting around doing nothing.

24.

Waffle moved our bed into the other bedroom yesterday and we are getting ready to move my furniture in. It’ll be nice to get settled in. Although I am anticipating that I will be going to grad school in Albany next fall, so I guess we will be packing up again in a year. Shhhh. I haven’t told either of my new employers yet. It’s still a long way off. I am hoping to get into their dual degree program in Public Policy and Social Welfare.

25.

If I’m still on your LJ list after all this time, then you know how I do. I disappear for a long period of time and suddenly resurface for a few months. It’s nothing personal. I still think you are pretty. In case you missed it, I’m in Rochester now, working at Planned Parenthood as the Community Affairs Coordinator. I absolutely love my job. For those of you that knew me in college, it’s pretty much what I did in college… except with some clout and a salary. It is really pretty fucking awesome. Sooooo… hi again! More later… maybe on the lunch break!

26.

Waffle and I have agreed on San Francisco as our next residence-of-choice. I know I have to try living in a big city before I’m ready to settle on a place to live. NYC and DC are not on the top of the list for Waffle. She’d probably be fine living where we are for the rest of our lives. Or going back to Oswego. But I need to experience something that is not Upstate NY. So we agreed that San Fran is a good compromise. She’s even looking forward to it a little, I think. I hope it lives up to my expectations. Maybe that’s why I like Rochester so much. I had no expectations…

27.

So I did something a little strange yesterday. I got my nails done. I mean, really. I have acrylic French tips on my nails now and every time I look down at my fingers furiously typing, I can’t help but feel like my hands belong to someone else. Someone with 1.5 kids, a white picket fence, and a formal dining room. It was a completely impromptu thing. Due to circumstances at home [Author’s Note: One of many breakups], I was aching to get out of the apartment.

28.

I had a dream last night that I was gnawing on the French tips and totally ruined two of them. I was so frustrated and annoyed with myself, but a little relieved. When I woke up, I immediately looked at my hands because I couldn’t remember if it had really happened or not.

29.

Had a great weekend. Did some work on the yard. Saw a movie. Invited some friends over on Saturday for an impromptu soiree. Lots of cheap wine, food, and citronella on our back deck. Who knew so many of us were losers and had nothing to do on a Saturday night? BTW, there is TONS of boxed wine left.

30.

I applied to a job in DC yesterday. I haven’t told anyone at work yet. I’m going to wait to see if I actually get an interview before I make a big deal about it. I feel a little guilty about applying, since PPRSR was so good about promoting me and paying me a really decent salary and I’ve only been in my full-time position in Rochester for 5 months. Seems a little premature…but I don’t think there is any room for advancement at this affiliate. The DC job is Youth Initiative Manager for PPFA, which is essentially what I do here, minus some of the more heavy public affairs work. I’d get to travel all around the country, plus work for a national non-profit and live in DC! It is really a step in the direction of my “dream job.”

31.

I always thought I hated fruit tea. It’s actually not that bad. I’ve been drinking it all week at work from a Celestial Seasoning multi-pack that Waffle’s mom bought for me at some family holiday. Right now, I’m drinking an orange infused tea with undertones of grapefruit. It brings back pungent memories of eating grapefruit halves coated in sugar. I really liked using the “grapefruit spoon,” the one with the serrated edge at the top, and digging out all the fleshy goodness. Then I’d squeeze all the juice out into a bowl and drink it. It was one of my favorite breakfast rituals when I had a kid. I had lots of rituals that revolved around food, actually. I’m not sure what that means.

32.

I am ridiculously obsessed with this digifilm from Korea. Please, if someone can translate the rest, I’d be forever grateful. If you don’t know any Korean, like me, then just enjoy and be filled with love and a yearning for world peace:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nKNODKWQP8

33.

I still have wanderlust creeping in at the corners, but I’m content to stay here for a few more years. I could use the job experience/stability and I’ve decided I’m applying to get my Masters of Public Administration at SUNY Brockport. It’s cheap and in the area…and it’s really just a resume builder for me, but I may as well do it while I’m here. Goddess, I’m glad I didn’t get into an MFA Writing program or MSW program. It’s definitely not what I want to do. I do think I may eventually go for a PhD in Gender Studies and try my hand at teaching and publishing. But right now I’m going to keep going with this non-profit thing. I adore my job. I like feeling like I’m making a direct difference in people’s lives… and affecting civil rights policy. My apartment is fantastic. I just was appointed to the ImageOut Board. I have a freakin’ awesome church. I have great friends and co-workers. We have the best pets (4 now)! And Waffle and I are doing well here…. well, now we are.

34.

So right now I am eating an artichoke which I really feel is one of the most pleasurable acts in life. The texture of the leaves and the satisfaction of scraping that tiny bit of “meat” with you teeth. It is very tactile and almost sensual. The fresh, raw flavor. The soft flesh nudging off so easily. And then the ultimate goal–to reach the heart, peel off the soft fibrous hairs to reach the very center, and then the warm, deep satisfaction as you smooth it against the roof of your mouth.

With a fresh artichoke, there is no shortcut. You have to take each petal off piece by piece, the leaves getting thinner and thinner, pick through the prickly tips and the layer of furry hairs bit by bit, to get to the crux, the center of the task at hand. And even I, who, like a typical American, cooked my artichoke by nuking it for 6 minutes instead of steaming or broiling it…even I, who is incapable of just eating the damn artichoke and not updating on LJ at the same time…even I, who barely makes time for anything or anyone without penciling it in in advance…has to set aside 15 minutes out of my day to eat this delicacy, to finish this task. And once you start, you really can’t stop. It is like you must get to the heart. It becomes the center of all things.

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