Q:
okaay so i have been trying to get with my ex girlfriend but like she has a new boyfriend that she doesnt even like she still says she loves me but she wont come back to me and she keeps teasing me…what should i do?
A:
Riese: say “i have to go now,” and then turn around and walk out the door (if this happens indoors and it’s not your apartment, in which case you’ll have to come back later, but she’ll have time to dip out or not) and run away. when she’s ready, if she’s ever ready, she’ll call you. she might. i mean that, she really might, and she also might not.
Q:
any tips on how i can approach this beautiful girl in my class who i think is straight she sits right across from me and shes always looking over at me and she smiles i think shes just being friendly what do you think
A:
Laneia: She is probably just being friendly, but there’s really only one way to be sure.
Q:
i was in an all-girl poly triad (abc), a turned out to be a toxic manipulative asshole, she still goes out with b, I still go out with b, am stuck living with them both for a year &can’t afford to leave. i love b, i hurt all the time, say some words to me
A:
Riese: meridian starfall kettle-corn pineapple upside-down cake love eat feed home box punch underpants scotch tape dakota fanning
focus on how you can eventually afford to leave, move your energy into that space
Q:
so I’m really nervous about maybe/eventually losing my virginity because I’m kindof scared I’d mess it up and it would be awkward…what do I do?
A:
Riese: omg, we just wrote about this on jezebel. but you can’t mess it up. there’s no way to mess it up! It will definitely be awkward, don’t get confused. If you laugh at yourself and trust your gut then you’ll be okay.
Q:
How do you get over someone that you accidentally fell in love with and know you can never have, even though you don’t want to?
A:
Laneia: Yay this is fun! You have to let them stomp all over your heart. I mean really let ’em go at it. You have to let it feel like they’ve broken up with you, even though you were never together. THIS SUCKS, RIGHT? I know. It’s also really humiliating! Wheee!
It will get better.
Don’t talk to them for at least a month, maybe two, possibly longer. Don’t entertain thoughts. You know the thoughts I’m talking about. Don’t think those.
It will get better.
Q:
How do I ask the girl I like out?
A:
Riese: I think you should track her down and then when you see her say, “hey do you want to go out some time? with me? i’ll bring vegan cupcakes.” wear something cute.
Q:
how did u ask the first girl you asked out out?
A:
Laneia:
ummmm, like, on a date?
it was via email, which i sent at 3 a.m.
i mentioned coffee, drinks, puppies and kites.
WORKED LIKE A CHARM, OBVS.
Q:
If I have a place to live, a steady income, a car that runs, and a girlfriend that loves me, shouldn’t I be happy? Of course. So why can’t I stop thinking about someone else?
A:
Riese: I have a poem for you. It’s by Stephen Dunn and it’s called “Paradise.”
How attractive trouble feels
in paradise. The place next door
where pain is an option
begins to whisper.
You want the leopard to replace
the swan, the great horned owl
to nudge a songbird out of a tree.
The case for suffering is always
overrated by those whose health
is good, whose houses are calm.
But today you understand
why some people pierce
more than their ears,
why the leisure class has a history
of eating itself from the inside
And, now, a wish to stir
the stilled air with a serrated knife
dip into the blackberry jam,
then lick that knife publicly clean,
hoping someone will notice and care.
From the beginning, hasn’t it
been the same: the need to woo
a stranger so you’ll not be mutinous
alone, to lie down knowingly
among the nettles and the thorns?
-Stephen Dunn, Paradise
Q:
I miss home, and I need a hug. I don’t know how to make friends in a new city, and I don’t think strangers are going to give me a hug. I also don’t know how to be an adult. Any suggestions?
A:
Laneia: i also have no idea how to be an adult. or how to make friends. human faces are intimidating and i’m always worried that my under-eye concealer has rubbed away or that i’ve forgotten to pluck my eyebrows for weeks or maybe i should brush my teeth. this all sounds superficial, but i worry about what these malfunctions of common grooming will say about me.
strangers are probably more likely to hug you than you’d think. i would hug you right now and i’ve never seen your face.
also one time riese wrote this, which always made me feel better when i couldn’t:
I Think I Saw Your Airplane Leaving Planet Harlem Tonight
Q:
Would you be bothered emotionally if someone you were interested in being in a relationship with had had a lot of sexual partners before you? Do you think that is a common concern? I don’t actually know what “a lot” is..
A:
Riese: never, and i never have, even back when i was more likely to be the one with less.
i don’t think sexual ‘partners’ are so easily quantified.
please run away from the idea
that sex is something quantifiable
or that “partners” is a place to begin to quantify
when it comes to ‘sex.’
it’s a scale that makes 5 yrs of making love to the same person equal, in importance, to a drunken fuck with a friend that immediately seemed hilarious/over the next morning
it’s outdated
sex is about many different things for different people at different times.
love, adventure, possession, relief, oblivion, revenge, lust, activity, dependence, appreciation, friendship, caring, hating, or anything. sex is about apple turnovers sometimes. but sex is never about numbers, about a hierarchy of numbers
your love had a life before you
this is always the case.
you need to leave room for that, back there
as you go boldly forward,
and find out what happens next
Q:
I like a girl who I met online. I’m shy and she’s an entertainer. I’m like the perfect audience and she keeps me laughing and smiling without even trying. She has a crush on me, but she barely texts/calls. I don’t like chasing. Should I swallow my pride?
A:
Riese: I’m going to assume you know her IRL now too… if you want her to call or text you more then you should say so, and see what she says, and then decide what to do. say you are busy or don’t have time to play games. People like that kind of thing.
Q:
What do you do when some of your favourite music is too painful to listen to because it conjures bad memories? Should I find new music or tie new memories to the old music
A:
Laneia: Reclaiming music is a BITCH.
If you try to do it now, you’ll just end up crying in your living room floor for an entire weekend.
You have to leave it alone for as long as possible — maybe years, but you can try after a few months. I know, this is ridiculous. You’re going to need to be so far away from the events and the time that your memories start to skew a little.
Then you can reintroduce it to your life.
This’ll feel really awkward at first, almost like the music itself feels out of place now. You may find that you don’t like it anymore. But the next time you hear it, you’ll remember this time, when it felt awkward, not the times you wanted to sit on weheartit.com for hours and build the perfect photographic shrine to your broken heart. OH WHAT LIKE YOU’VE NEVER DONE THAT.
Q:
What do you do to feel better when you’re feeling ugly/fat/unloved/unwanted)
A:
Riese: Riese: I would either drink too much or go to the gym. The latter is better. It gives you energy and happiness with no negative repurcussions. Also, you’re not fat, and should read Kate Harding.
Q:
My gf is funny and smart and cute and sweet and she is skeptical when I tell her these things, so I want to do something nice for her to show her how special she is. Whyyy can’t I think of something clever and sweet? Gah.
A:
Laneia: I feel like you’re asking me what you should buy your gf for her birthday or something. I can’t answer this question because I don’t know her. You should listen to what she says and do things based on that. Don’t always tell her how pretty she is. Sometimes pretty girls want people to say how smart they are. If she is very very smart, maybe she would like to hear how pretty she is. I don’t know.
What are the 1-5 things about her that almost no one notices? Notice those things. The next time you are away, bring her something that she doesn’t need, like a plastic wind-up penguin or some gum. Cut out magazine articles that made you think of her and tape them to something, like her favorite cereal. She can read the articles while she eats. I would like it if someone did those things for me.
Q:
Situation: I like cute girl, cute girl likes me. yay but I’m leaving for half a year. how do I make sure cute girl still likes me when I get back?
A:
Riese: write her a 1,260 line poem and put each line on a different piece of paper for her to open every day that you’re gone. send her postcards & draw her pictures & write letters. visit! write her emails like, “i am so much cuter now, you’re gonna die” or “my personality is radiant,” so she doesn’t forget. read books at the same time.
but maybe you won’t like her when you get back, you never know. have fun. be yourself. the rest should fall into place.
Q:
My ex broke up with me, but she won’t stop sending mixed signals, which isn’t helping me get over her. What should I do?
A:
Laneia: punch her in the throat and then say “THAT’S WHAT MY HEART FEELS LIKE. STOP FUCKING WITH ME.”
have a cuddler on standby.
Q:
I think i may have fallen in love with a guys brain. I can’t make myself feel anything physically for him though. It’s horrible and like WOAH CONFUSING. I’ve tried just being friends with him, but it doesn’t work, because i want to be WITH WITH him.
A:
Riese: So you want to be with him but you don’t want to fuck him. I think that means you don’t want to be with him, ’cause making out is part of the relationship package and he might feel sad about himself or his body if you never want to touch it, but still want to be with him.
Q:
Is it possible for someone to be considered as a bisexual although they’re a goldstar lesbian?
A:
Riese: No the only thing that matters in the whole wide world is who you’ve fucked. Fuck fuck fuck. You can’t be anything until you fuck it, and we’re all fucked! ALL OF US ARE FUCKED. Except you. You just like things, but you are also fucked anyway just for being alive.
In conclusion, forget everything I just said. Of course you can be a bisexual even if you’ve not fucked a dude! I identified as bisexual for ages before fucking a girl. Yannow?
Q:
when you care about someone who is crazy, or at least does crazy things, someone that hurts themselves to get you to love them, and hurts you for not loving them… where do you draw the line, when is it okay to give up and do what’s best for yourself?
A:
Riese:
This has happened to me a lot of times with different people! [See: The Year in Review – Swift-Footed Winged Mess, Live Through This And You Won’t Look Back, What Happened Last September (and so I say to you, this is what I have to do) ]
Eventually, I had to lose everything in order to walk away — eventually, they might have to lose everything too, in order to choose, willingly, health or sanity. They might have to lose you. The more you throw in, the more you need them to come out of it. You keep thinking you could just go along with things and then maybe fix them.
There comes a point when you realize the craziness is more important than you, and you can’t control or change them. There comes a point when you might become an enabler, or when things will happen to you that you never thought would happen to you. You need room to breathe and a life of your own.
I wrote this, once: “The quickest way to lose your mind is to try to fit a crazy person’s behavior into your reality. It doesn’t fit, so you have to make room. So you fit that information in the only part that has eternal vacancy; imagination. By then, too late, as I said: you’ve already lost it. You’re nothing.”
There comes a point when you’ve gotta cut your losses — usually it’s the sixth or seventh time you’ve thought to yourself “I oughta cut my losses.” It may be hard to see now, but it will be your gain, and her’s too.
Q:
how do you make the BEST TACO EVER?
A:
Laneia: This is a lot of pressure.
++
Thank you!
