It’s breakup season! It feels like it’s been breakup season for a long time. Is it ever really not breakup season? Right now the breakup-buds channel in slack is thriving. One thing that we’ve all found to be of some comfort is analyzing it all through astrology, especially commiserating “I can’t believe this, that’s SUCH a Leo/Cancer/Taurus/etc thing to do.” The following are my notes on queer breakup behavior by sign, with some guidance from Vanessa Friedman, who actually knows what she’s doing.
Aries
They’ve been telling everyone at brunch that they broke up with you, even though you’re the one who ended it; eventually, though, after talking to your friends about how well you’re doing, they skywrite a message for you, asking to get back together even though they realize the rainbow is just seven white arches because they didn’t talk to the pilot about various colors beforehand.
Leo
They’re so upset you left them that they gather all their very best friends together to go on a hike to a tennis camp to stay in bunk beds and discuss your lost love before hallucinating in front of a waterfall before they let anyone discuss anything else.
Sagittarius
You thought the breakup would be the worst part, but you were wrong. By far, the worst part has been the Sagittarius deciding it was over and then apparently getting Men-in-Black flashy-thinged because when you both showed up to that party they act like you’re a stranger, and not even a hot one, just, like, a random at a party they say fake “hi!” to and then you know they’re thinking about the next person they’re going to talk to.
Taurus
After arriving at your mutual friend’s monthly potluck, you see your ex brought quite the offering: All the gifts you ever gave them, burnt to a perfect crisp. Everyone takes a piece to be polite, and your ex doesn’t say a thing to you, though you are pretty sure you see flames in their eyes? You can’t be sure, but you’re pretty sure they could lift a car over their head like one of those moms on adrenaline saving her kids, but it’s their anger at you.
Virgo
Calls you at 3 a.m. to present a bullet-pointed-yet-somehow-also-numbered list of 35 reasons why your relationship was actually good and should have worked out, but refuses to listen to any of your rebuttals because you did not submit them in time nor are they peer-reviewed.
Capricorn
You thought maybe you had another shot with this ex because you’ve been through it all together, but once it was over, that switch flipped in their head and won’t flip back but at least you get to move on with the knowledge that your own argument about why you should break up was apparently amazing.
Gemini
You’re not actually sure if you’re broken up, because they ghosted after that serious conversation you wanted to have last week about where all of this was going and they joked “well, I hope it’s going to the bedroom!” and you didn’t laugh even though it was actually kind of funny and they were cute when they said it.
Libra
You’re not actually sure they know you’re broken up yet, because they keep acting so friendly in your communications, but then you remember that they’re also now dating three other people though they’d hate to be labeled as “dating” those people as it kinda ties them down from understanding their full potential as a human being with a heart and a mind, you know?
Aquarius
Doesn’t speak to you for a month, then gets back in touch to send you an email about all the reasons this was the correct decision, here are the pros and cons of your previous relationship, and don’t you agree, counselor, that on paper, this probably wasn’t going to work out anyway? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cancer
Texts to tell you that you are no longer speaking, how could you possibly keep speaking when you’ve been breaking up for twice as long as you were together, with a follow-up text asking you haven’t responded to their moratorium on contact, did you never care about them at all?
Scorpio
Broods their way into a bar, broodily, and finds someone who looks just like you to take home. While their new friend is freshening up in the bathroom, the Scorpio is scouring your social media accounts with a new anonymous handle: Glaring_At_U.
Pisces
Is very sure the dream they had about you and them being together forever was a sign that this “cooling-off period” as they’ve termed your breakup has probably run its course, though they aren’t sure in what capacity they’d like to be together with you because really, who can put labels on anything?
