It’s Christmas time which means it’s CHRISTMAS MOVIE TIME. There are Christmas movies on every channel of the television pretty much 24/7. My favorites are probably National Lampoon, A Muppet Christmas Carol and Home Alone. The worst ones are on Hallmark or Lifetime and almost always about single Moms who work too much whose children want them to date former Saved by the Bell cast members or that guy from Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and enjoy the spirit of Christmas. It’s pretty awesome. I’ll watch all of them, I can’t help it, I’m a Jew who loves Christmas and bad Christmas movies. LET’S GET WASTED.
One drink for the first appearance of the following archetypal characters:
- Workaholic Parent
- Precocious child in a puffy coat and/or sporting a bowl cut
- Mall Santa Claus
- City girl returning home to the country from the big city
- Father in the service who is overseas for Christmas
- Christmas Fanatic
- Rutheless businessperson who doesn’t understand the spirit of Christmas
- Santa Claus’ unruly son / nephew / brother
- Talking animal
- Angel
- Ghost
- Suspiciously wealthy journalist or writer
Two drinks for the first appearance of the following archetypal characters:
- Workaholic Single Mom
- Actual Santa Claus
- Father in the service who comes home for Christmas (three drinks if it’s a surprise)
One drink for cast members who:
- Were in the original Beverly Hills 90210
- Were in Saved by the Bell
- Had a major role in a popular ’90s sitcom
- Are Meredith Baxter
- Are Kevin Sorbo
Two drinks for cast members who:
- Were in the original Beverly Hills 90210 and Saved by the Bell
One drink if:
- City slicker ruins her clothes or breaks her shoes in a country situation
- Precocious child tries to set up single parent with a handsome man (two drinks if he turns out to be Santa Claus)
- Rich person’s privilege is humbled and transformed by extended interactions or friendship with a poor person
- Rich person takes steps to evict good people from their homes, neighborhoods, small businesses and/or Christmas shows OR destroy their charitable or otherwise noble works during the holiday season
- Somebody throws a fundraiser (e.g., calendar, party, performance) to save a home, neighborhood, small business and/or Christmas show OR to prevent the destruction of their charitable or otherwise noble works during the holiday season
- An adult is inspired to believe in Santa or a child proves that Santa is real
- A little kid gets the gift he always wanted from a Scrooge-type person
- A Gift of the Magi situation shakes down
- Somebody cries while looking at a Christmas tree
- Bad guy has to step in and play Santa
- Parent succeeds in finding their child that one special toy they wanted for Christmas
- Somebody burns the turkey
- A scene is set at the North Pole
- Somebody is wearing more than four pieces of Christmas flair at once
- Mistletoe makes something so awkward
One drink whenever anybody in the movie uses the following phrases:
- The spirit of Christmas
- The true meaning of Christmas
- Where’s your Christmas spirit?
- But it’s Christmas!
- But only Santa can [something]!
- Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
- We’re gonna have an old-fashioned family Christmas!
Two drinks if:
- City slicker finds the true meaning of Christmas in the country
- Ruthless business-person finds the true meaning of Christmas in down-home people’s attempts to stave off his ruthless business-personing
- Bad weather forces bad guy to stick around in the presence of good people until he is wearing plaid and ice skating with a smile
- Heartless Christmas-hater switches bodies or travels through time in order to understand the true meaning of Christmas
- We’re treated to gratuitous male shirtlessness in a Lifetime movie
- Someone time travels in the presence of a ghost
- Somebody cancels Christmas
- Workaholic quits their job to be there for their family on Christmas
- Inanimate thing comes to life and saves Christmas
Three drinks if:
- Family member employs 3+ methods of transportation to access family Christmas celebration
- When the hero is redeemed, it starts to snow
- Clark Griswold gets all the lights to turn on
- Anybody sings “All I Want For Christmas Is You”
