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Q: I was just rejected… again. Every girl I’m interested in is not interested in me. They think I’m sweet or whatever, but they see me as a friend. I try to stay positive and not blame myself, but there has to be something I’m doing wrong or something wrong with me. I feel like there’s no point in putting myself out there if I’m just going to get rejected. I’m in my mid twenties and have never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl. I can barely get through a lot of AS articles because they are (justifiably) centered around sex and/or relationships. It’s something I want so badly, but I don’t know what to do.
A: Hi Myrtle! (I’m going to call you Myrtle.)
First: rejection sucks, and you probably feel pretty shitty about it, but there is nothing wrong with you. You are a deeply wonderful deeply flawed human just like every other human, and that is okay, you are okay. Take a deep breath and imagine yourself as awesome until you start to believe it. (I recommend power poses.)
Now for the advice: if you approach people feeling like they’re going to reject you, you increase the chance that they will before you even open your mouth. The things you think will happen can inform your entire way of being in and moving through the world and so can inform what happens in your interactions with other people. Assuming rejection before it even happens almost certainly makes you look and act less confident and self-assured, which can make you be less confident and self-assured, which can detract from your hotness.
This is some hippie bullshit, but you have to put the energy you want out into the world if you expect to get it back.
Instead of believing that you’re just going to be rejected if you ask someone out, believe that you’re going to be successful instead. Lie to yourself if you have to — speaking personally, confidence-related lies to yourself get easier with practice until you hardly notice you’re doing them, even if you start off feeling like dirt. Believe that you are going to talk to a girl and know that you are a person capable of asking someone out and a person someone is capable of saying yes to. Don’t assume she’s going to say yes — this is not a fine line, consent is the most important and you should not act like or pretend it’s there when it’s not — but know that she could. Believe that you are a person people want to go out with and make out with and you will find a person who wants to go out with and make out with you.
Obviously this is really hard to do in practice or a lot of advice columns would not exist. When you start trying to make yourself think like this you might even feel more discouraged, because it might not work immediately, and then where are you? You are in exactly the same place and no worse off, that’s where. You mention that you want sex/a relationship so badly in the same paragraph as you mention there’s no point, but if it’s something you want, you shouldn’t let being rejected in the past stop you from being rejected — or maybe, probably, not rejected — in the future.
I love you. You got this.
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This advice is perfect.
<3
Hi Myrtle! I am also in my mid twenties (well, mid late twenties) and have never had a girlfriend. Plus I have only kissed one boy and one girl in my entire life… Rejection is the worst, but I feel like there’s got to be hope for both of us… I like to also remember how when I have a crush on someone, I can’t shut up about them, etc. But it’s been one sided, unrequited, in the end, and that’s not cool because I’m amazing dammit!
Someday someone won’t be able to shut up about you, as much as you won’t be able to shut up about them! <3
Oh, this hurt so much to read :( I can feel how frustrated you must be (and can relate on lot of levels) :(
What helps me is when I meet other people who have been rejected a lot, or have been single for a long time, who are perfectly awesome – and I have met those people. In college I met the most funny, attractive, smart, ambitious, adorable guy who had never had a girlfriend until he met my – ambitious, beautiful, intelligent – housemate right before he graduated (and not for lack of trying – he had also been rejected over and over again). What helps me is to think about how circumstantial my own attraction to people is – how it takes just the right setting to see someone in that light, or just the right context and timing.
It’s hard out there, and I know what it feels like to give up. There have been stretches of entire years where I’ve given up. I might be in a bit of an “I give up” mood right now, honestly.
Your question was very brief so it’s hard to give you advice without knowing where you’re at in your life, but for me, key to meeting people is being involved in something I’m passionate about/care about, and that I’m good at. Find that thing, and not only will you be enjoying your life, but you’ll be visible to a community of people for your strengths. This isn’t the only way to pique peoples’ interest, but anytime I’ve thrown myself into a project and devoted myself to something I felt was worthwhile, people have expressed interest in me. I’ve had more natural confidence as a result. More friends as a result.
Get out there and live your life and be the best and most awesome person you can be. Build genuine friendships and connections with people. Romance WILL come. Or won’t, maybe (I feel this is a very slim chance!)…but then at least you have everything else you’ve always wanted.
Ohh, Myrtle. Girl, I feel ya.
Carolyn and others have lovely advice that I’m probably just going to reiterate, as I so often do, but we all get in the trap of feeling like there’s something wrong with US. When really, it may just all be about timing.
Maybe there’s something you need to learn during this process of wanting, the process of being alone and learning to being ok with it and accepting yourself as you are (even tho this is obviously hard as shit to do).
— sidenote, of course as I type this, I’m like “oh &%$# I should follow my own advice, shouldn’t I?” goddamn.–
Point is: that old cliche “love comes when you least expect it?” I really do think that is true for a lot of us, especially those who feel and hurt and ache for love so deeply.
And the “hippie BS” Carolyn references is anything but bullshit. It’s so on point. The energy and vibe you put out into the world is hugely important when moving through life and meeting people, romantic or otherwise. Start trying to see yourself for the amazing, wonderful, beautiful, sensitive, loving person that you are, and I bet a cutie will be coming your way very soon. Be kind to yourself <3
Myrtle my heart goes out to you! You beautiful magnificent human!
I know I’ve been to where you are standing right now. I know how hard it is. I know! You’re reading all of our advice going, I don’t know how to do that and are so down on yourself and don’t know how to get out of the vicious cycle of self-doubt.
Don’t worry about what others are doing. I know you can get so bogged down with EVERYONE is in LOVE and EVERYONE is COUPLING up. I know it is so hard and it is really hard to just be with yourself. Especially when you really like someone and they don’t have the same feelings for you. Ugh! That is the worst. LIKE THE WORST THING!
Don’t let it bring you down. It just wasn’t right. You can’t make people fall for you, you know? Like you just need to be you. Be you! I just want to say also remember you’re fucking awesome, okay? Can you remember that? Just wake up tomorrow and shout, “I’M FUCKIN’ AWESOME!”
Also, get hobbies that make for good conversation and make sure your personal hygiene is top-notch.
Hi Myrtle! I plugged this one in the Staycation Reads thread, but it’s so good it warrants a repeat: It’s Not You (as affiliate link) is all about dispelling all those really terrible pervasive myths about why single people are single and making you feel compassionate towards yourself. I want to put it into the hands of every single person I know.
I was single for the better part of a decade (mid-twenties to mid-thirties), and I’m fairly awesome, at least according to my mother who is obviously completely objective, so your continued singleness is not a referendum on your worth as a person. You’re really great! And will find somebody!
I’d agree that doing things you’re passionate and enthusiastic about, and getting good at them, can be really helpful in becoming someone people want to date. It worked for me, though that wasn’t my goal or anything–I was shy and a little awkward, and the years I spent not dating were instead spent making friends, going out, volunteering, working, earning money, getting good at skills and hobbies, and just in general becoming (through doing things I enjoyed) a person who was much easier to get along with. Not that this is necessarily your issue or solution, but it was mine, for sure. Let me repeat the recommendation to volunteer–the positive feedback you get from helping people out is really good in terms of building up self confidence and in acquiring a general internal sense of being someone who is useful and good to have around.
And at least for me, online dating worked really well when I finally tried it, since it was easier to be upfront about what I wanted. I found it impossibly awful in my early twenties–and then a great way to meet people as both friends and potential significant others in my thirties.
Oh babe, it sucks that you feel this way. I’ll tell you a secret though – you will always be your own greatest ally. You will always be the shining star in your life, no matter who does or doesn’t want to kiss you. It took me so long to learn that because I grew up constantly in relationships. And you would think that means my self esteem is top notch but it is the times I’ve been ‘alone’ that I have felt the strongest and bravest and most sexy.
Besides I’m 27 and going through a horribly painful divorce and most days I wish I were in your shoes and had never let anyone hurt me at all.
You’ll be fine. I used to tell my bestie – even rapists and murderers have girlfriends. There is nothing so horrible about you that no one will ever love you.
I say, it’s easier to get a job when you already have a job. (Case in point I’ve never been asked out unless I had a gf at the time). Go for zen like detachment (difficult at first easier with practice honestly) and don’t care as much. I mean,people can sense desperation and avoid that. So aiming for meh it will be or not will probably work in the end. It did for me
MYRTLE! THE TURTLE! That’s what “Myrtle” makes me think of, sorry.
I was you. For like, the whole first half of my life. I felt so undesirable and so undesired. People (like my friends and adult friends of my parents and relatives) would say I was so pretty and fun and all that jazz, but no one that I was interested in seemed to agree. I though I would be single forever and ever amen. But then something happened.
I got a little older and I decided that my dating pool was too small. I wasn’t catching any fish. I needed to get into a bigger body of water and put myself out there. And guess what? People liked me. They really did. And all of a sudden I was that hot, fun, desirable person that I always was, but I knew it and other people were responding to it.
Carolyn is so right. People really do give off an energy. And when I was shrinking into the corner in my own self-doubt and shitty self-esteem, no one could see me. But when I decided I was worth it and stood in the light, everything changed. Sex appeal is 99% about confidence above all else. So fake it ’til you make it. And try going outside your comfort zone and meeting new people online or at a new club/group or wherever you might find people with common interests.
GOOD LUCK!!!
I used to be petrified of rejection. Online dating helped me. It was like exposure therapy. I was going on so many first dates, and I didn’t know if they were going to like me going in, so I just had to grin and bear it. After a few months on OK Cupid, even asking someone out in person didn’t feel as difficult (or as scary) anymore.
But to get through the scary blind-date period, I had to develop some strategies. This is what I did:
1. Took time before the date to do something that made me feel confident, relaxed, and/or badass. It could be a bit of yoga, a hard run, or even just a nice relaxing bath. Taking time before asking someone out or meeting up with them — instead of just rushing from work to the bar or whatnot — gave me the opportunity to put my game face on. Like you know at the Olympics when the tiny gymnasts are backstage listening to their ipods and looking like they’re about to enter the Hunger Games arena? Psych yourself up.
2. As I’m walking in, I literally become an actress playing a part. I am playing the part of a woman who is confident and attractive and worth dating, and she knows it (in a good way, not an insufferable way). My walk even changes — I get a little bit more of a swagger. I go in knowing that it’s ok if they reject me, because they’re not rejecting me, really — just the character I was playing. It’s great believing in yourself, but let’s face it: a lot of the time, we don’t. So fake it til you make it. Act like you do.
3. I ask lots of relevant questions. Small talk can be really daunting, especially if you think you might want to get into this girl’s…apartment. But instead of conversing with dating/romance/sex as the obvious end goal, pretend that the goal is just to know this girl better, and for her to know you better, and that those things are the best and most interesting things that could possibly happen tonight. Listen when she talks, and share real things about yourself. The great thing about women is that the deeper the connection you can make, the more likely it will get romantic.
I know this can be hard to do when you’re lonely, but definitely someone with a desperate aura can be hard to say yes to. If you try to be happy and fulfilled on your own, you’re weirdly much more likely to score a date.
Myrtle! Let’s be friends! (I know, it’s not what we want to hear, but…I can’t give you an empathetic hug if we are not friends!) I absolutely hate admitting it, but it’s been ~12 years since my last relationship ended, and it’s awful and most of the time feels pretty hopeless. It probably isn’t any help, but at least you’re not alone in this. HERE ARE HUGS FOR YOU <3
I hope to make use of this advice myself because I know just how she feels. I’m 34, and, like her, have never had a girlfriend, been kissed, get rejected a lot (of course, some of this has to do with the number of straight women I’ve found myself attracted to, so those rejections are completely understood), yada yada yada. So I know where they’re coming from. We’ll see what happens when I have time to put the advice here to use.
I can relate to the original posting myself. The last time I dated, I was 19. Before I came out and filed for divorce I was in the same relationship for over 15 years, so the need to find and attract new people was never necessary. Now, here I am at 37, and while I haven’t been rejected outright, as I haven’t sought anyone to bed just yet, I am always afraid to pull to trigger to move beyond friend status. I’ve thrown myself into working out, so I’ve put on a considerable amount of muscle in the past several months in addition to the weight (fat) I’ve already lost. I do get attention from women several years younger than myself, but I can never tell if someone’s being polite or they want to fuck. I do have a dancer friend who has made things somewhat easier, but the same anxiety I had when I was 16 and basically went into so deep denial that I was gay I switched schools and did a lot of things I know wish I hadn’t, it’s as if I’m a teen all over again. I get a vibe from a few women at work that they like me…but I’m afraid to push the boundary.
It sounds like you need a friend! I need a friend too! I am 25 and also going through this. Knmorris619@yahoo.com is my email if you ever need someone to talk too :)
When I was ~21/22, I had not dated or kissed anyone. I just made it an activity, like a game, to ask reasonably nice people who I didn’t really know (like friends of friends) – who I didn’t have any interest in a long-term relationship with – out on ONE date. I was super clear it was a date (none of that is-this-or-isn’t-this), and only one. “Want to go on a date this weekend? like get dinner?” That way, when they said no, they had said no to ‘dinner,’ or ‘no I don’t want to go that dance social’ not ‘no I don’t want to be in a relationship with you.’ I didn’t want a relationship with them, just practice. The ones who said yes, well, I think we both had a nice time, but we didn’t have chemistry, so when it didn’t go very far, it was like ‘yay,now I get to ask someone else, as part of the game.’ Eventually, there was a person I really liked, and I asked her out on ONE date, and I’d had all this practice. I was still way more nervous, because I cared more, but I had a routine I could follow to be confident in the asking. One thing that helped was that one time my friend said “you’re adorable – and I really mean that as in adore-able – is in capable of being adored.” After a lifetime of rejecting being called cute (all the time) instead of stunningly beautiful and devastatingly sexy, this helped me a lot.
Also the book ‘What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame-Free Guide to Sex and Safety’ helped me a lot!
woops, this was supposed to be a regular comment, not a reply. Hi Kristy!
Haha I have definitely done that before as well :D
When I came out I was horrible with girls. I was so nervous I unlearned all of the things I had learned about dating through dating guys. None of it was applicable with women when I started talking to them.
I started having luck when I just decided I didn’t care if I got rejected or not. I put myself out there in group situations when i met new people. I struck up conversations with people I didn’t know at gay events, I talked to random people at parties, i went to speed dating. Alcohol helped me do a few of those things, but I wasn’t wasted, just tipsy enough to think “yes this is a great idea! I will talk to her!”
I will admit I’ve been in a bit of a dating funk and should take my own advice and go meet some strangers.
I wanted to date people, but I’ve been letting my insecurity get the best of me. I need to start doing some power poses and forcing myself to smile despite my blah feelings. I also really need to start going outside. I think the coming of Spring will help that.
I relate to Myrtle so much. I’ve been on a fair few first and second dates, but I’ve only really dated one girl, and it was pretty short term. I’m 21, and people tell me I’m still a baby in that I’m young and have so much time. But it’s hard when I see so many of my friends in relationships or are getting married, having kids etc. I’m happy for them, but I defs have some jealousy. I dunno, it’s hard not to feel like I will be alone forever as a somewhat anxious gal who overshares. Not to mention, many of the girls I’ve been on a couple of dates with are now in long term comitted relationships. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.
Needed this. Just got my heart crushed by a girl that I thought was “the one” and I’m just tired of the same situation happening on repeat. Same outcome, different girl. Need to take a break from dating, but I’m definitely saving this to re-read when I’m not all heartbroken and cringing at the word “love” anymore.
I don’t have any advice. I’m in the same situation. It’s insanely hard to believe that you’re worthy when you’ve had no “evidence” to support that for such a long time. Sometimes it feels straight-up delusional.
You are really goddamn strong. Even if you curl up into a ball and want to give up every single night, continuing to want to love someone and fighting to figure out how to make that happen, instead of destroying the part of yourself that wants to be vulnerable with another person, is fucking brave.
I’m 23 and have also never been on a date or kissed a girl (or anyone for that matter). I think it’s great that you are brave enough to ask people out yourself! (Because I, um, mostly am not.) Obviously I am not really in a position to give advice but I just wanted to offer a solidarity fistbump and say that I think someday it will happen (for both of us) and we just have to try to be patient and stay positive and keep trying and like, remember to live our lives and do stuff that makes us happy in the meantime.
I always say that the solution to all problems is to leave the country and become a lesbian. If not both then at least one. It works figuratively and literally. Since she’s already got the queerness down, maybe what Myrtle could use now is a change of scenery? It’s a lot easier to become a brave new person when there are no people around you remind you of your past self (or even selves).
That is a great idea, if you can swing it… at least, I came out at the same time that I moved to a new city, and I think it is a lot easier to be the new person you want to be when you’re not surrounded by your old friends & family.
Hello there.
Sometimes it could help not being too friendly, polite and kind..just need to be a little bit raw and flirty. Otherwise you’re sending the wrong message…as a matter of fact people translate wrong your intentions (especially if you’re shy or have some confident problems)
Don’t give up too soon. Some people can falling love in an instant but for others took long..say months and many dates and other things in between. If you say what you feel for a girl on your first date, chances are she got freak out. Slow your pace.
Hold on there!!
My advice to the rest of you:
I’ve been on so many first dates where the person breaks it off instantly because I’ve never been in a long relationship before and they don’t want to be that person.
Never mind the fact that I didn’t come out until I was in my 20s, and I worked two jobs while going to college and didn’t think much about dating…now that I’m out of school and trying to date, everyone assumes I must be crazy or there is something wrong with me.
So, if you go on a date with a lady who has never been in a relationship-for God’s sake GIVE HER A CHANCE.
This! Many times over! I’ve become so cynical when it comes to online dating in my area since most (read: 99%+ of those whose profiles I’ve read) women on OkCupid in my area basically say that those without relationship experience shouldn’t even bother, making my already tiny dating pool shrink down to essentially nothing. Nobody has done this to me when we’re face-to-face yet, but I haven’t had much time to go dating lately.
hey Myrtle!
rejection is hard, and horrible, and scary – but there’s a silver lining, I promise. it’s this: anybody who rejects you IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, and they’re actually saving you a lot of time, and even more heartbreak.
heard this before? feel like it’s kinda tired? try Mark Manson’s “Fuck Yes or No” (http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes#SNrtpY:aNdr), and then think about it again.
there are billions of people out there, and right now, it might seem like none of them are interested. but all you need is one resounding YES from someone who is genuine and interested in you.
just one.
hang in there <3
Also! They mentioned girls they’re “interested in.” Maybe consider broadening your pool of potential makeout partners by asking a girl out that you might normally pass on. May not be anything there, but you could make a new friend and build up some experience and confidence. Good luck!
I found this page by posts from 2010! I guess from the new ones this is the most appropiate to comment on, since it’s about a girl trying to date/find girls… kind of. I moved temporarily to a big city that has gay bars (that may give you an idea of how small my home town is), and I find myself looking up their pages a lot and fantasizing about actually going there (alone, going with friends is not an option right now) and finding myself a nice cute girl.
All this blogs I read are like “Ok, you KNOW you are a lesbian and are ready to come out, first you…”
The problem is, I don’t know if am a lesbian, I have never been in love with a girl, not even sure how real my crushes have been. I can look at a girl and appreciate if she is beautiful or sexy (most straight women I have asked can’t, just answer “I don’t like girls”), but that is me being me? Apparently, my gender identity isn’t very firm and gender roles don’t stick in my head. (I won’t go ahead and say lesbians are that way, but if they are, someone please point it out to me).
The point is, I just have this URGE, to at least once date a girl. Is that ok? I don’t wanna feel like I’m using anybody : (
It’s hard enough that I haven’t mastered the language here, but how do I go about trying to “pick up” a girl, what if they ask me if I have dated girls before and when they find out I haven’t they don’t believe I’m a lesbian (which I don’t know anyways). And I don’t have friends with lesbian friends they could introduce me to… I’m pretty open about wanting to date girls (when it comes up) so they know.
Agh! I guess I’m bicurios and have no one to help me with this!
Don’t worry, Risa, a lot of us have been there! That’s why one of the Q’s stands for questioning.
In AA, they say the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Similarly, the only real requirement for joining the queer tribe is a desire to date a girl or woman. Beyond that, try not to worry too much about what it means or how you’ll identify. You don’t have all the data yet. It’s fine. This is a time to explore, and a time to enjoy!
When I was in your situation, I turned to online dating. It was excrutiatingly nerve-wracking, but at that point, the only thing more excruciating would have been to never tried, never known.
If you sign up for okcupid, they have lots of available options re: how you identify. Choose the one you are most comfortable with. Be honest in your profile, without hitting the questioning thing too hard.
Going on a date or two before you truly know what your orientation is is not automatically using someone. Most of us were questioning at some point. Just be honest about where you are and try to open yourself up to possibility. My guess is, if you’re thinking you’d like to date a woman, that’s not just going to go away. Trust me, I waited ten years hoping it would! Ten years in which I could’ve been having so many amazing experiences and so much better sex. Those years were wasted. Don’t waste yours, if you can! :)
Best of luck!
Oh my god guys!! Thank you so much for answering, I didn’t know if to expect a reply. I think I’m gonna go to that gay bar (aaah scary…) and if they ask I’ll just say it how it is, I want to meet girls. Even if it turns out I’m not a lesbian, you are completely right, I cannot go on with my life without ever trying and not knowing for sure if I like girls or not! I’ve read about okcupid but dating sites is something so foreign to me (and daunting). But I might as well check it out, know if there are other lesbian/bisexual girls in my area. This is the first time I actively reach out to someone on this topic (other than saying “ahhh… dating a girl would be nice”). The fact you answered really means a lot to me, thanks!
No problem!
To be honest, before I came out/started exploring, I was pretty scared of the queer community — I thought for sure they would judge me for having dated guys, or that they wouldn’t want me if I was a girl-virgin. Luckily, that didn’t happen AT ALL. When I told the first girl to come home with me “I’ve never done this before,” she just giggled and said “wow, really?” No big deal.
The cool thing about OKC for me was that I saw that there were queer people everywhere. Sometimes I would see people (who I hadn’t dated) around town, and it started to make me feel less alone — if I was ever ready, there was the community I could connect with.
Gay bars are great too, I was just always too chicken to go by myself ;-)
Anyway, we are here for you. You can always drop me a line at queergirlblogs (at) gmail as well. We’ve all been there!
hey, Risa!
I didn’t realize I was a lesbian when I first came out, either. I just knew I was completely disinterested in boys. I called myself bisexual, for a while, and it wasn’t until the end of my first relationship with a girl when I realized I ONLY ever wanted to date women.
that was over a decade ago.
in my experience, straight women actually do notice and appreciate the beauty of other women, although they may be experiencing bi- or homophobia, and unwilling to admit it. see #WCW and Maya Angelou’s “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings”. The bit where she described just admiring her friend changing confused me FOR YEARS, because I thought it meant my sexual feelings weren’t really sexual feelings. I know gay women who have dated straight women, married them. . .just as there have been gay women who have dated and married men.
what matters in the end is how you feel. it sounds like you’re feeling bi-curious right now, and that’s a perfectly sound label to pick. it’s also okay to think you might be a lesbian (without experience) and call yourself such, or bisexual and do the same. up to you.
do you want to date a woman in general, or a lesbian specifically? any relationship with a woman is a valid “lesbian relationship”, no matter how the individuals identify outside of that relationship.
I know that OKC is littered with women that don’t want to date anyone “without experience”, but there are also people who don’t see that as an issue. rejection sucks, and there will be some of it, but if you put yourself out there, something will stick.
feel free to PM me with questions.
good luck!
Thank you for replying Jess! Something that you said really hit home! I want to date a woman! It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t call herself a lesbian as long as I’m attracted to her and vice versa, but until now I though only about lesbians because I KNOW they want to date girls.
It’s hard to explain… but as an example, the other day I met a lot of new people in a hetero club, and there was this girl that was so cute in both looks and personality, and she and I danced and drank and we were laughing and having a good time, and I felt “damn, I could totally date this girl” but I dared not make a move because a) I don’t know if she was into girls (she looked straight!) and b) I was scared of scaring her off!!
I guess I feel like I want to play it safe and try with lesbians because if they reject me (ouch) at least there won’t be that added “whoops I thought you were a lesbian but you’re not haha” awkwardness.
I try to be confident in myself but I’m not so confident as to come up to a girl and just ask her if she is into girls :(
I’ll follow your advice (yours and Queer Girl’s) and put myself out there. Right now the only way I see it is go to this gay bar in the queer district (it is very safe, it’s the going by myself that scares me). Do you think other girls will approach me?… It will probably have to be me right? Ooooh wish me luck!
Thank you so much for replying, it’s nice to know other people will take the time of day to even read what I have to say : )
I think it’s important to keep in mind that lesbian relationships are harder than straight relationships due to a number of reasons including homophobia and even internalized homophobia from the girl you may be interested in. Take me for example. I am told from numerous strangers every single day that I am smart and sexy. Yet for some reason every time I catch a girl looking at me I strike up a conversation with her and eventually she runs away. I don’t say stupid things, I talk to her casually and lightheartedly. It wasn’t until last year I realized what all these girls seem to have in common: internalized homophobia. They liked me and they wanted me, but they were not comfortable being in a lesbian relationship because of what their friends and family would say. Of course I was still hurt but realizing that helped me put things in a new perspective.
I also want to add that it’s hard to find good advice on lesbian dating because most dating advice is geared towards straight people, and to be honest I’ve read plenty of straight dating advice and it is horrible. Straight dating advice relies too heavily on strict gender roles and lesbian dating advice tends to be too fluffy and ambiguous, so nobody really wins here.
The only advice I can give is to find a way to be happy whether you’re single or in a relationship, because being in a relationship doesn’t automatically guarantee happiness. I know plenty of people (both gay and straight) who are in relationships and they are miserable because they rushed into a relationship with the wrong person instead of taking their time to find the right person.
It’s also important to realize that Hollywood tells us we all need to be in a relationship to be happy, and this idea has permeated the lives of everyone regardless of sexual orientation. So recognize where that desire is coming from and then find ways to make yourself happy whether you’re single or taken.
Usually people tend to blame themselves when they get rejected, but the truth is that sometimes it says more about the person who rejected you. For example, I have been told by tons of people that I am beautiful, smart, kind, and sexy. I get approached by tons of guys every day and I always turn them down because I’m a lesbian. Then I get stared at by tons of women, but as soon as we start talking and I eventually ask them out they always get scared. It’s not that I’m not attractive, because if that was the case they wouldn’t have been checking me out in the first place! It’s usually because they’re not comfortable being openly lesbian or bi, which says more about them than it does about me. Just keep in mind that being a sexual minority has a lot to do with this because many women are still not comfortable being openly bi or lesbian. Also, remember that just because some women are in the closet doesn’t mean they will ever come out. If that’s the case with you, then find someone who is comfortable being bi or lesbian and if they still don’t like you then fuck them.
There might also be a bunch of people who have no homophobia problem in regards to whom they date, but aren’t interested in “jumping” into things… and you got a take more of a just friend approach, and then feel it out from there, (gradually).
If a stranger asked me out my instinct (regards of how sensible) would be to get away and avoid them in future.
I am 35. Never had a girlfriend. Just got broken again. I am not sure I have been able to hope or confidence in a long time. Why would I? All I get is friends when I want so much more.
I want a date….a hope for once things will change….and I am left broken over and over.