Q:
I met this girl who’s an RA in my dorm at college, and I’ve decided she’s probably my soulmate. Sometimes I go to library just so I can walk by the front desk when she’s on call and timidly smile at her, or ask for directions to the nearest bike shop (but I end up asking for a “bipe shok” because my mouth doesn’t work anymore).
The only concern I have about our imminent and beautiful future together is that I’m an idiot whenever I’m with her/around her/within a 20-ft radius of her.
It’s like, I take one look at her, with her flawless hair, and cute glasses, and perfectly-shaped eyebrows, and I’m jello. I’m weak-kneed, and brainless. And I don’t even get cute awkward — just weird and confusing and scared awkward.
I want to talk to her so bad and tell her about all the things we probably have in common, but I’m so sure that I’ll just end up giving her the impression that I’m an annoying helpless useless weirdo.
How can I learn how to talk to the cutest girl in the world without being an idiot?
A:
Shut up you are not an idiot! Do you know how many negative words/phrases you used to describe yourself in this one little email? Twelve! Twelve, Lorna. I’ve decided to name you Lorna (Doone, after Natalie’s favorite cookie) for the purposes of this article. Ok so, Lorna, listen up, the first thing you have to do is stop being such a bitch to yourself!
When I have nothing but negative things to say, Riese yells at me and tells me how good I am at whatever it is I’m complaining about. Doing the same for you will be kinda hard because we just met, but here’s my best guess: you are really funny and probably a lot of fun to be around! You’re obviously smart as a whip because here you are on AS, reading stuff and having ideas about the world, etc. You also seem really, really sweet. How do you feel about sweet, Lorna? I like it.
Here’s the thing: when you go into a situation expecting to fuck it up, you will probably fuck it up. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy, Lorna; you’re setting yourself up for failure. Having confidence isn’t necessarily easy, but you have to at least fake it. Fake it ’til you feel it Lorna! Oprah did a whole series on this, so you know it’s legit.
Can I tell you a quick story? Great! I’m super self-conscious, probably to an obnoxious degree, and I let it stop me from doing a lot of things that I’d really like to do. For example! There’s a 24-hr fitness center that overlooks this gorgeous pool with a hot tub and fountains and it’s free and right across the parking lot and I really want to go because I like moving my body parts around while listening to Beyonce/This American Life. However Lorna, I want you to know that I’ve only been once and that’s because I’m a self-conscious twat and I have nothing to wear. Basically I’m letting how I think I might be perceived stand in the way of how I want to live. That’s a bunch of shit, Lorna!
So you and I need to get over our terrible stupid ideas of ourselves and just go be the people we want to be. Who do you wanna be Lorna? Do you wanna be the girl who calls herself an idiot every fourth word, or do you want to be the girl who says BIKE SHOP and I LIKE YOUR FACE and DO YOU WANT TO GET A SANDWICH?
And it might not even work — the being confident — but at least you can say you tried, right? Right!
But Laneia, you’re saying, how do I actually have the confidence? How do I ready myself for the art of conversation? Here’s how!
1. Have a plan.
Think of at least three relevant things you think she’d be interested in talking about. Has she read the new selection over at Emily Books? Has she been to Monopoly night at the pie shop around the corner? If I had a pie shop I’d totally do Monopoly nights, or maybe dominoes.
2. Brush your teeth.
Or at least floss and use mouthwash. Clean!
3. Smile!
Sometimes timidity and terror can translate to aloof bitchery on your face. Smiling is better. Smizing is best.
4. She’s not a perfect, untouchable thing.
She’s just a girl, you know? I mean, she’s probably really lovely and I bet shimmery sparkles of goodness just flutter around her head, but seriously, she’s just a person like you and me! There’s a special thing you can do to help you feel more comfortable around girls like this, Lorna, and I’m going to share it with you now. Riese doesn’t like talking about it so I’m just gonna say it and be done with it and we’ll act like nothing happened: you have to imagine her sitting on a toilet. I don’t know why anyone says that picturing people naked/in their underwear helps calm your nerves — picturing her naked is probably what got you into this tizzy. Picturing someone on the toilet, just doing their thing, THAT’S the great equalizer. Think about Hilary Duff sitting on the toilet. See?
Here I found these things for you, too. We write a lot of articles!
+ How to Make Gay Friends and Meet Queer Girls
+ How to Pick Up Chicks: A Lesbian Guide to Girl-On-Girl Action
+ How to Date Girls: 10 Simple Rules for Properly Courting a Lesbian
+ Let’s Discuss That Straight Girl You Want to Cuddle
+ 8 Steps Every Girl Can Take to Get a Girl to Sleep Over < –gold
+ Rejection 101: A Lesbian’s Guide to Getting Turned Down, Keeping Your Head Up
Lorna I want you to remember that even if this woman doesn’t end up being your soulmate, you’re still a righteous babe and DAMN IT, you’re worth it.
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