You Need Help: Harnesses For Trans* Women

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Do you know how many questions we get about sex? Formspring, emails – hell, I’ve even been facebooked! More than once! But at least the last time I answered a question via facebook, I figured that the answer could spark a potentially meaningful conversation about sex. Talking about sex is something that we don’t do enough, as a society. So we’re going to start answering a few more questions about what we do in bed. Welcome to You Need Help: Sex EDition. Disclaimer: not everyone answering questions will be a medical professional. These are our opinions. These articles about sex are to promote conversation, so if you agree or disagree with what we say, please feel free to leave it in the comments. Discussion, much like sex, is a healthy part of life. And as always, You Do You. Or someone else.

We got this question a little bit differently than the way we get most of our questions (formspring or email). This question actually came in the form of a comment on You Need Help: Real Talk About Your First Strap-On. I thought the question was so interesting – I didn’t know the answer and I got curious. So what was the question that had me from hello?

As a trans* chick with not much going on “downstairs” I’m intrigued with using strapons instead of my actual bits, just not sure how best approach it. Can anyone recommend harnesses with a little extra room in the crotch that won’t break the bank?

I’m happy to report that I’ve got a few recommendations for you, and just in time for underwear week! I emailed Dr. Carol Queen, the staff sexologist at Good Vibrations (one of our favorite toy retailers). Dr. Queen has answered questions for us before: you may remember her from the Vibrator Storage round-up. She got me in contact with Coyote, one of the Good Vibrations buyers (she purchases all the toys/harnesses/lube/fun sexy stuff that Good Vibrations can then comfortably recommend to all their customers). Together they took me through three (s)excellent options.

Sasha Couture

Because who can say no to a harness that sounds like a v. fancy Burlesque dancer and has a built-in garter belt? No one. No one can say no to that harness. The Sasha has two fabric panels for optional padding between skin and dildo. Because of it’s fabric ties, it also can convert from booty-shorts to high-cut panty. It’s stretchy, durable and (praise Lesbian Jesus) machine washable. Coyote says that this harness would be good if you’re interested in tucking. It also falls into the category of ULTRA-FEMME. It employs an O-ring that fits toys from 1.25 inches to 2.25 inches in diameter and comes in a wide variety of sizes, from XS to 3XL (I’ve included the sizing video here, because it has very good advice about how to think about the fit for this harness).

The Sasha goes for $152.00.

The Deuce

via Good Vibrations

via Good Vibrations

Coyote specifically recommended this harness for those who still want access to their bits during sex. But before you click on the link, I want to warn you that Spareparts markets this harness to men. We know that we’re not recommending this harness to men. I was actually kinda shocked that people in the sex toy industry had made that marketing choice, as everyone I have ever talked to in the biz is pretty well aware of the difference between gender and the bits between our legs. But marketing choice aside, this harness is made for some bits no matter how you identify and will certainly not pinch you in a way you don’t like. If you’re having trouble picturing what the use of this harness might look like, there’s a handy (NSFW) video below. Again, if you’re bothered by the gendered marketing here, I’d urge you to skip to the next harness.

Though I’ve never used this particular harness, I will say that I live or die by my (very similar) Spareparts harness. It’s the best control I’ve ever had with a harness and (thank Lesbian Jesus for the second time) it’s machine washable. It’s also more on the gender neutral side of things for those of us who are not comfy in the ULTRA FEMME category. The Deuce can be yours for $136.00.

The Tomboi Brief

Dr. Queen sums up her recommendation of this one perfectly in one sentence: “In an era when even girly-girls may wear boy-cut shorts, this one might also be a contender.” This straight up looks like briefs and is ultra comfy – no weird pinchy straps, all lovely undies fabric. I can (and have) fallen asleep in brief-style harnesses after fucking, that’s how comfy we’re talking. The trick though (and this also applies to the Sasha Couture) is that fabric harnesses do stretch during sex. In this case, that’s kinda what we’re looking for, but research your sizing with this one because you don’t want it to be so stretchy and comfortable that you don’t have a hell of a lot of control. And surprise! There’s a video for that! It’s very similar sizing to the Sasha.

The Tomboi Brief is the least expensive of these three at $76.00.

Please note that you can’t return any of these harnesses if you have a sizing issue. If there’s any question about the proper size for you, Good Vibrations provides live chats with personal shoppers.

Why Are All These Harnesses So Expensive?

Don’t think I ignored the last part of your question – the part about the harness not breaking the bank. But I looked high and low for you and this is just generally what harnesses cost. And believe me, sex toys, much like surgery, is a place where you don’t really want to bargain hunt. Not that you don’t want to get an inexpensive toy (example: one of my favorite vibrators only costs $25) but rather you don’t want to rule out the pricier options point blank. Sometimes cheaper toys and harnesses sacrifice quality or safety of materials for price, which is a thing you do not want when you’re dealing with genitalia. Hell, it’s a thing you do not want when you’re dealing with potentially ruining an intimate moment.

Let me tell you a story about my first harness.

I got it for free. It was supposed to be high quality leather and I was like, cool, I will take it. It came recommended as a good starter harness. After flirting a little with the attendent, the harness magically had no price when they rung it up. I am not one to look a gift queer in the mouth.

After a few months of use (and tender loving care), I was fucking with it and all of a sudden I had no control with it – it was just BAM, now the harness is too loose. It seemed like the laces no longer held together. And what was worse was the giant scratch on my back. One of the metal pieces in the rear of the harness, just at the small of my back, had popped free of the leather and gouged my skin. Moment = ruined. Bandaid hunt required. And I managed to break that harness whilst fucking despite it’s quality. Imagine how easy it will be to break one that’s cheaply made. You’ll just have to buy another one anyway, which is a massive waste of money and will do a lot more bank-breaking than shelling out only once. Better to buy one that’s comfortable, durable, easy to care for and that you’ll have for a long, long time. Invest the money now, save face (and money) later.

Have a fave harness? Please let us know in the comments. This is by no means an exhaustive catalogue of harnesses for trans* women, simply a place to start. Happy harnessing! Everyone masturbate all the time! (What, you thought I was kidding when I said I would close every You Need Help with masturbation?)

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A.E. Osworth

A.E. Osworth is part-time Faculty at The New School, where they teach undergraduates the art of digital storytelling. Their novel, We Are Watching Eliza Bright, about a game developer dealing with harassment (and narrated collectively by a fictional subreddit), is forthcoming from Grand Central Publishing (April 2021) and is available for pre-order now. They have an eight-year freelancing career and you can find their work on Autostraddle (where they used to be the Geekery Editor), Guernica, Quartz, Electric Lit, Paper Darts, Mashable, and drDoctor, among others.

A.E. has written 542 articles for us.

27 Comments

  1. As much as i’m not a fan of stuff reminding me of genital state either way, rodeOH work pretty well for trans girls

  2. Ok, can I just talk about how much I fucking love the Tomboi? I was at GoodVibes a while back, about to buy the RodeOH & one of the clerks seriously talked me out of it, saying that the Tomboi was coming in 2 months & that all my queer sex dreams would come true if I just waited. Well let me say that the clerk was right. This harness has not just 1, but 2 slots for vibes, above and below the O-ring. These slots are on the interior lining. There’s even a pocket on the interior right hand side for what looks like condoms, dental dams, or other safer sex materials. Also as someone who the Spareparts Joque drives them batty with all the straps and adjustments, the Tomboi is a serious gift from Lesbian Jesus. I was dead worried that the RodeOH wouldn’t fit my ample ass and waist, and the Tomboi is totally worth the extra $30 (I ended up getting the Tomboi in a 2X). It comes with it’s own adorable little zip-pouch so you can take this sucker anywhere your queer heart desires. It’s SUPER comfortable, so I totally think you could wear this under your clothes for a bit and think how hot it would be if you pulled out gloves or a dental dam out of your harness when you’re getting down and dirty.

    • I never noticed the THIRD pocket for condoms/whatevs. Thank you for pointing that out!

      I am seriously in love with the Tomboi. I’m femme leaning and use it as a strap-on, not for packing, but it’s seriously the most comfortable and versatile harness ever. Before this harness, I always found strap-on sex to be sort of awkward and exhausting (the initial time required to ‘suit up’, then readjusting the straps if they loosen, dildos slipping out, christ it can be so difficult!), but the hassle free design is awesome and the lower placement of the O-ring makes thrusting more natural.

      By the same company and with similar design, the Sasha is my next big purchase.

  3. I love any of the SpareParts harnesses….they are super comfy, hold up really well and are easily washable! I’d recommend them before anything else!

  5. I love that Sasha Couture! I don’t even want to know about the price but…the femme heart wants what the femme heart wants, you know?

    Since reading about Tomboi I have been a little less excited about getting my first RodeOh…this post is just one big tease. And wonderful.

    • I wouldn’t get un-excited about the RodeOH. I have one of those and it’s great! Tomboi v. RodeOH is kinda like Edward v. Jacob. Ya know. Similar. But each according to her kind. :0) The thing about harnesses is it’s SO personal preference, because of sizing etc. Bodies are different. And the only way to know is to try a lot of harnesses until you find your glass slipper.

      The fun part is trying them all. ;0)

      • oh believe me, I am reminded quite often not to get unexcited! ;) and I’m totally up for trying different harnesses…!

  6. Does anyone have any experience with Velvet Nest harnesses? My femme heart beats for them, but I’ve never heard anything about them. http://www.velvetnest.com/#!gallery They’re SUPER FEMME, and cheaper than the Sasha Couture. I don’t know about the butt-straps, does that work for people?

    • I have the black lace Velvet Nest! It’s awesome! I wouldn’t wear it under my regular clothes, but by itself the straps are really comfy. The ring-tightening system is surprisingly secure, as is the velcro front. I love it and I think it looks really hot. I’m a cis woman, though, so my experiences may not apply to all.

      • Be still my beating heart! Where do I get one? Their website was not helpful in that, only in making me supremely jealous of anyone who owns one!

  7. I think it’s sad that I’m contemplating buying an expensive toy (the Sasha Couture harness) that I normally do not use (and probably won’t use) just because it’s adorable.

    Look what you’re doing to me, underwear week!

  8. Just wanted to chime in about the videos being NSFW. This entire WEEK has been NSFW for me–Victoria’s Secret is blocked at work for me because it’s too sexual. (I work for the US government.) Like, underwear week is great and all, but I can’t have the pictures of underwear on my screen all week. I’m looking forward to returning next week, though.

  9. Oh, I have lots of helpful stuff to point out for those who are interested in soft pack options… There are some sites where you can buy some inexpensive conversions of regular boxer briefs to help keep things in place. It’s getting kind of late this evening so I’ll have to come back in the morning and add info.

  10. Okay, why are all the harnesses just so damn appealing? I’m like this | | close to buying harnesses the way I buy underwear, and that’s not something my bank account would forgive.

  11. You can make a RodeoH-like harness by cutting a hole in some underwear and sewing an o-ring in. Cheaper than RodeoH and just as comfy.

  14. I am not sure how well the Tomboi works for these specific purposes but I know it is WONDERFUL for me. It has great features , snug but comfortable, holds what I need it to, and feels natural with your body. It is the best harness I have ever had <3.

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