We’re barely halfway through this season of Wynonna Earp and there’s already so much going on. We’ve taken out the goo, and the feisty firemen are off our backs for now, but the Gardiner sisters have had their faces stolen by some mystical and mysterious evil women, and somehow Tucker Gardiner was still the worst of our problems. Oh, also, Wynonna Earp is pregnant.

We open this week in a dark alley where Dolls is caught by Black Badge Agent Art Bell aka Moody. Doc steps in as back-up and Moody lays it down for them: Black Badge sees Purgatory as a waste of resources. They lost faith in their tiny team so they packed up and headed out to find easier won battles that look better on paper. Super professional. When Dolls makes it clear he’s seeing this mission through, with or without support from above, Moody gives him a file on the Widows — they were in the Black Badge storage facility, after all. Moody leaves the boys one last time, dropping an interesting tidbit of information as he leaves, blowing Dolls’ mind good and proper: Black Badge was never an official government agency.

Cut to a church where a priest halts one of the Widows and she starts to demand to know where something is but accidentally kills him. She decides to take advantage of this opportunity by EATING HIS FACE.

Back at the Homestead, Wynonna and Waverly are dismantling the shiny lightning rod and Waverly has questions about Wynonna’s…situation. Wynonna says she can ask one question, but when the question is about how far along she is, she changes her mind. Waverly informs her that shouting “nope” isn’t really an answer but that’s all Wynonna can handle right about now.

I’m with Wynonna on this one. I love noping my way out of uncomfortable situations.

Especially since she has to pee. Again.

When Wynonna gets to the Purgatory Sheriff’s Office, Nicole is there doing some paperwork. Wynonna pops in and begs Nicole for a case, any case, to take her mind off her real problems. Nicole says things are quiet on the post-goo front and that maybe she should just take a day off. But Wynonna doesn’t WANNA.

“Please please pleeeaaaaase give me some thing to distract me from real life.”

Waverly comes in to bring Wynonna gross tea and Nicole asks her to go distract Wynonna until her shift ends, when Waverly can distract her instead, and Wynonna is teasing them for being disgustingly cute when a nun walks in with her hands covered in blood, saying her boss is dead. (Side note, Wynonna says here, “God really is dead,” which is also what my father texted me randomly this morning while he was watching the episode, which out of context is a hilarious text to get from your dad.)

The Widow Sisters discuss their situation and their plans and we learn a few things. We learn they share a husband (well, based on the elaborate mourning garb, I’d say maybe “shared,” but they do talk about him in the present tense), there’s more than one seal and Bobo moved the second one, they knew the Stone Witch but don’t know where she is (even though we do), and they consider Juan Carlo too strong to go up against.

I don’t even wear pants when I’m in my apartment and this chick’s in a full gown.

And frankly, none of that is good news.

Anyway the rings Widow Mercedes threw down on a map might not be showing her the location of the seal, but they do remind her of someone they call Hypnos who lives someplace called The Clockmaker’s Mansion, which frankly is a place I’d visit in a tick. Or a tock.

The Widows couldn’t go into the mansion themselves because of Hypnos’ powers, so they send Tucker in, where he finds a young woman tending to a comatose older man. Tucker pass on the Widows’ demands: They need time.

Back at the office formerly known as Black Badge, the nun tells Wynonna, Waverly and Jeremy about the veiled woman’s attack, a description Wynonna recognizes. After Waverly ushers the nun off to get cleaned up, the three of them do this adorable smarty pants routine where they figure out that there are more seals and they all must be on consecrated ground.

WHAT A CUTE CANDID FAMILY PHOTO

Dolls hushes his team by telling them…well, that they’re not technically his team anymore. Black Badge is gone, and they’re all free agents. Waverly thinks not being under a blood pact she left her girlfriend out of is actually probably fine, Jeremy is worried about not having a JOB anymore, and Dolls and Doc have a not-so-subtle exchange where Dolls makes his intentions known that he’ll be taking this as an opportunity to make moves on Wynonna. Waverly is not amused.

“I KNOW they’re not talking about my sister like she doesn’t have a say in all this.”

Wynonna cuts off everyone’s reactions to give them a pep talk of sorts. Black Badge or purple badge or no badge at all, there are still demons, she still has a magic gun, they’re still going to fight. She’s still Wynonna Fucking Earp.

And don’t you forget it.

Jeremy considers for a heartbeat walking out forever, but one word from Doc and he realizes he’s in it for the long haul, so instead he goes off to find the second seal. Dolls asks Wynonna out for coffee, and she agrees, but before she leaves, Waverly pulls her over to let her know that she just agreed to go on a proper date with her ex-boss. Waverly tries to tell her sister that she has to have conversations with both Dolls and Doc because it’s not fair, and Wynonna stops her and lays down the law: everything about this is her decision. She’ll decide who she tells and when. And she’d kindly appreciate it if her little sister would reel back the judgement a bit.

Do we need to talk about The Champ Years, or?

To her credit, Waverly does indeed immediately reel it in, and doesn’t get defensive. Waverly offers to stay with her sister a while longer, but the way Nicole is looking at her is making Wynonna nauseous, so she sends her off so Waverly and Nicole can have a post-tentacle talk. No, that’s not a gay euphemism. But it could be.

Back in the other room, Jeremy has mathed out where the next seal probably is, but everyone has already gone their own way, so no one’s there to hear is revelation.

And now let’s go to the Homestead, where Waverly and Nicole finally have the whole house to themselves, no risk of Wynonnus Interruptus, and taking full advantage of it. Complete with phrases like, “You taste like my Waverly again.”

This scene came up so suddenly and they were mid-makeout and I flat-out pterodactyl screeched.

*screeeeeeee*

They start to undress but Nicole does want to have that talk they were supposed to be having; she’s worried about how much of the time they…spent together was actually Waverly. Her little voice barely wants to ask the question, afraid of the answer. God it would have ruined her if she had slept with Gooverly. But Waverly promises it was all real, it was all her.

I wonder how many rainbows this scene manifests every time one of us rewatches it.

Nicole wants to know that she’s 100% sure, and Waverly reassures her. Her memories of being Gooverly are blurry at best, but she remembers every single moment of their time together like she’s Tumblr. And that’s all Nicole needed to know.

“Let’s give ’em something to gif about.”

And can I just say that I love how these scenes don’t feel over-choreographed (even if they are). They bump noses and are slightly out of sync but in the most perfect, natural way, coming together at all the right moments. It feels pure and passionate and gentle and I LOVE IT.

THIS SHOW MAKES ME GAYER AND I’M NOT MAD ABOUT IT

Wynonna goes to get coffee with Dolls but now that she knows it’s a date, it’s super awkward. Dolls is all smiles, which is weird enough, plus she’s trying to hide the whole pregnancy thing and being extra defensive, so really things aren’t going so well. That’s why, when she sees who she thinks is Mercedes walk in, she invites her to sit with them. Widow Mercedes is sitting stiffly and acting weird and Wynonna can tell something is off, but she insists it’s just that her brother Tucker is bugging her. Wynonna tells her friend to call her if she needs her; she knows a thing or two about having a sibling who is the actual worst.

Widow Mercedes steps out to take a phone call but Wynonna isn’t ready to be face-to-face with whatever Dolls wanted to talk about yet, so she gets up to pee. She gets a little woozy on the way there and at first it seems like a pregnancy thing until you notice the rest of the diner slumps over just before Wynonna does.

She wakes up to a zap from Peacemaker to find herself covered in dust. This wasn’t a quick cat nap. And the dust isn’t the only clue. She’s hella pregnant.

Wynonna gets up and stumbles through the diner, stealing a sleeping man’s coat to hide her bump, and as her eyes start to drift closed, Peacemaker zaps her again. She wakes Dolls up and they head outside; sure enough, it wasn’t just a diner doze. The whole town is asleep. With that realization, Wynonna shouts her sister’s name and books it for the Homestead.

Luckily she’s fine and asleep in bed, so Wynonna goes with the tried and true method of waking up a sibling and hits her with a pillow.

“I mean I know Nicole and I lost track of time but this seems a bit extreme.”

Waverly realizes that Nicole isn’t in bed with her anymore and that she was naked last time she saw her, which is confirmed by Nicole’s shriek when Dolls discovers her.

Okay so here’s the plan: keep the town asleep so they can find out who’s behind this, using narcotics from the evidence locker to stay awake. In a cute but subtle moment I can’t not talk about, Waverly says she won’t do it if it you have to shoot it or snort it, and says Wynonna isn’t either, but she says it in a protective sister way. Wynonna makes a joke about her sister being a NARC but then they exchange this whole dialogue with their eyes during which Wynonna thanks Waverly for giving her a believable out and Waverly is glad Wynonna appreciated her effort.

Alone for the first time since they woke up, Wynonna decides to inspect her belly, and sure enough, it’s super real. Nicole walks in just then because she forgot her gloves (turnabout interruptus is fair play) and spots the bump.

“The furry coat was bigger after all, wasn’t it?”

Nicole asks who knows, and Wynonna says just Waverly and she’d like to keep it that way. So Nicole nods in understanding and moves on; she wants to check on the rest of the town to make sure no one fell asleep in any unsafe positions. (Nedley would be so proud!) As Nicole leaves, Wynonna thanks her — for helping, for being chill about it, for silently agreeing not to tell anyone.

Despite having weeks of extra time, the Widows haven’t found the next seal yet, and they’re getting frustrated by Tucker and his obsession with Poppy. He found something in the salt flats but before he can tell them what, Hypnos tells them that someone is awake and he can’t do anything about it because “the heir is too strong.” The Widows are pissed; they weren’t counting on Wynonna Earp being a problem for them.

At the station, Dolls gives Wynonna and Waverly wakey drugs and walkie talkies and heads out. Waverly starts to apologize for being judgy earlier but there’s not really time to elaborate. Instead they give each other call signs (Angel Pants and Bacon Donut, obviously) and get to work.

Someone give me a call sign and a walkie talkie STAT.

Wynonna goes into the office to find Jeremy but instead finds the Widows, who came to scope out their new enemy. This is when Wynonna realizes there’s two of them for the first time, and that they’re capable of more than just smelling like her sister and being hecka creepy. In fact, they throw our pregnant protagonist clear across the room. They steal Jeremy’s maps and leave Wynonna on the floor.

Waverly is tasked with waking up Doc because Wynonna is still clinging to every last “nope” she can and she finds them in a…compromising position. She wakes Doc up and goes downstairs to pour herself shots to erase that image from her brain but Doc ends up doing them for her. Waverly gives him a hard time about having Rosita in her bed while the Wynonna stuff is all still murky, but he defends himself, saying he’s always been clear about what he’s about.

I think I saw this episode of Westworld.

Waverly needs more than just naked jump scares to keep her awake, so Doc leads her downstairs to find some energy drinks. They also find Jeremy, asleep on the floor. He had come here right before the Once Upon A Time-style sleeping curse kicked in, because he realized something important: The second seal is in Shorty’s basement.

Nicole, on her patrol, is chugging that same energy drink, which I would like to take the time to point out is called BEAVER BUZZ. And it’s REAL. And its tagline is “dam good.” GOD I LOVE CANADA.

SO MANY LESBIAN JOKES, SO LITTLE TIME

Back at the office, Dolls finds Wynonna on the floor, and therefore also finds her baby bump. Wynonna assures him this doesn’t change anything, professionally speaking, and her pep talk about her still being ready to kick demons asses still applies. Nicole calls in a Widow sighting, and Wynonna is ready to prove just that.

And prove it she does, because she makes a sassy comment about always being hot, then marches right to The Clockmaker’s Mansion and KICKS DOWN THE GODDAMN DOOR.

There aren’t nearly enough opportunities in my life for me to kick down doors.

And listen. I explained at the end of my recap last week, that while I was hesitant about this storyline at first, after reading interviews with Emily Andras and Melanie Scrofano about why they decided to go this route, with Melanie being pregnant in real lift, etc, I was willing to trust that they would do it well. And if I’m continuing to be honest, I thought there would be at least a two-episode buffer for me to go from being 95% on board to being fully on board. I’m not great with sudden and dramatic changes, and I thought it was going to take some getting used to. But as Wynonna said, she’s still Wynonna, there are still demons to fight, and motherfucking doors to be kicked in. This was the moment any last sliver of doubt still lurking around in the back of my mind got sucked back into hell like a Revenant taken out by Peacemaker.

Anyway, the team finds Hypnos and being this close to him is too much for Nicole so she falls asleep. They can’t kill him or everyone will die, but the only reason he’s doing this is because the Widows have his daughter Poppy hostage; so if they save her, he’ll wake everyone up. One other interesting thing he says is, “They seem to know me, but I have no memory of them.” Which either means he just didn’t recognizes their new faces, or they are somehow more powerful and mysterious than time itself.

Hypnos tells them there are three seals, and that there’s one in Shorty’s. Waverly calls Wynonna to tell her about the seal at the same time Wynonna is trying to warn her about the Widows.

ANGEL PANTS TO BACON DONUT. MAYDAY MAYDAY. I’M NOW CRAVING A DONUT. OVER.

The Widows descend and Waverly shoots at them with her shotgun like a champ but the Widows show off a new trick, blowing frost in Doc and Waverly’s faces and paralyzing them on the ground.

Wynonna gives Nicole the shot of adrenaline Dolls had given her and she’s relieved she didn’t wake up naked this time. Wynonna is on Waverly duty, but Nicole has a job too, and it’s to find Tucker. Lucky for us, Nicole has been tracking that little fucker’s phone, waiting for a moment like this where she can take him down, and Wynonna is surprised yet delighted. Until they realize he’s heading for the Homestead.

“Is your phone background Kristin Stewart…eating…a Totino pizza roll? I don’t get it.”

Wynonna tells Dolls to go with Haught because Waverly would kill her if she sent her girlfriend in without backup, and besides she has some personal things to discuss with Doc. Dolls reads between the lines and decides to give it one last shot. He kisses Wynonna, and maybe if she had said something, maybe if she had done something, maybe he would have kissed her again, maybe he would have stayed. But she just looks at him helplessly because she can’t make these kinds of decisions right now, so he calls her an amazing agent and resumes his Important Person stance before heading out, taking a small chunk of Wynonna’s heart with him.

At the Homestead, in Waverly’s brand new room, Tucker is making Poppy brush her hair and wants her to change into Waverly’s cheerleading uniform. Nicole and Dolls bust into the Homestead, but Dolls is too sleepy to go on, so Nicole goes upstairs alone.

Sheriff material right here.

Tucker grabs Poppy but Poppy fights back and gets out of the way in time for Nicole to shoot Tucker in the shoulder. And listen, I’m not a fan of violence in real life, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love living vicariously through Nicole Haught as she punches the Champs and injures the Tuckers of the world. Tucker says he’s done something to piss off the Widows enough to get killed for it so he decides to flee instead of be taken in where they can easily find him, and defenestrates himself. Boy, bye.

Wynonna busts into the basement at Shorty’s, she gets a shot in, but she’s a few seconds too late; the seal is broken.

Once they’re gone, Waverly, Jeremy and Doc wake up, and Wynonna decides to rip the baby band-aid off and shows Doc her stomach. They meet each other’s eyes for what feels like a lifetime, saying a million things without uttering a single word, until Doc says something about hearing people upstairs and excuses himself; and with him takes another piece of Wynonna’s heart.

AND MOST OF MINE

Wynonna goes back to Hypnos, saying Poppy is safe, asking what happens now. Even though technically weeks passed, Hypnos made it so time itself hasn’t moved at all. Wynonna and the basketball shape poking out of her shirt beg to differ, but Hypnos has no explanation for that. He says it seems her baby simply takes after Wynonna, a rule-breaker who can’t even be contained by the Sandman.

Their conversation is halted when Dolls swoops in and shoots Hypnos, because a demon is a demon. Wynonna finishes the job so the poor dude isn’t just sitting there suffering, but she’s pissed. Dolls says he’s the boss now because there’s no other role for him to play and frankly it felt like a low blow. I know you’re hurting dude, but REIGN IT IN.

Back at the station, Waverly tells Wynonna that Poppy ran off, which if fine by her. And me. I just hope she doesn’t run into Tucker out there.

I just really love that Waverly casually has a huge shotgun slung across her back like it’s normal.

Doc and Dolls both try to talk to Wynonna at the same time so she runs out and Waverly runs interference and tells them both to back off. Dolls says they have to deal with this but Waverly echoes her sister’s request from earlier and says she’ll “deal with it” on her own damn terms, in her own damn time. Doc hands her a note for Wynonna and the boys back down.

At the Gardiner house, Widow Mercedes is highly offended that she got nicked by Peacemaker; she knows now that they need to take Wynonna Earp seriously. They hear a knock at the door so they walk toward the door, knives at their back, in an eerie kind of unison. There’s something almost unnatural about the way they move and it’s so creepy and I love it.

Taking backstabbers to a whole new level.

They open the door to find Constance Clootie’s head (who they call Sister Clootie), with a note attached that said, “Let’s play a new game.”

And something tells me we’re not about to witness a rousing game of Cards Against Humanity.

Wynonna is slumped on the floor of the Homestead, looking heartbreakingly sad, when Waverly joins her to check on her big sister. Wynonna says she knows she’s a screw-up but she’s been on birth control since she was thirteen, so obviously this is the curse and the universe trying to take away her ability to choose her own destiny YET AGAIN. If she doesn’t have control of her life, or even her own body, what say does she have in anything at all?

#EmmyforScrofano

I could write a thousand words on how perfectly relatable this is, even to me, someone who is and has never been cursed or pregnant. How certain things out of your control send your life skittering down a path you hadn’t planned on, how sometimes your body gives out on you when you need it the most. Jobs can end or change on a dime, lungs can decide to have an asthma attack while you’re already in the middle of an anxiety attack, a literal monster who sees you as a second-class citizen twice over on his best day gets elected to lead your country.

Anyway, Wynonna is sure she can’t be a mother, even says she feels sorry for the “poor asshole” inside her. Waverly wipes her sister’s tears away and says that things might not be okay, not now, maybe not for a long time, hell maybe they’ll never really be okay again, but no matter what, Waverly will be there for her. Oh also, she has a note for Wynonna from Doc.

A DOC-tors note, if you will.

When she reads the note, Wynonna breaks down well and good, falling into her sister’s lap, sobbing. Because the note? It says, “I am all in.”

And friends, so am I.

Because we’re family.

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