“Words With Girls” Episode One Recap: Pilot This Pilot Into Your Heart This Minute

Cut to a hot hot club in the wild lesbionic city of Los Angeles, California, which Mickey promises will be buzzing with lezbos looking to get laid sans tinder any minute now.

Come ON everybody knows Backwards Hat Day is optional and you know that bitch Stef isn’t wearing one

Nick, The Token Gay Friend, hops into the booth. I love how in lesbian shows, there’s always one gay guy and how in gay shows, there’s always one lesbian. I’m being serious. I do love that. Anyhow, Nick finds out about the breakup and responds as Gay Guys do, which’s to say, callously:

Nick: Well, forget about her okay, you can’t seem emotionally available if you’re gonna get laid tonight. You’ll end up in the friendzone and it’ll be BAD.
Micky: Do gay guys HAVE a friend zone?
Nick: Uh, no not really. There’s no such thing as platonic gays.
Pace: My stomach hurts.

Seriously after my first time, my ass bled for DAYS

Nick condemns Pace for eating old pizza and expired sushi instead of starving to death like you’re supposed to do when somebody breaks your little heart into pieces. Aspen hates everything because Aspen is Brittani and Brittani hates everything. Also, Becca’s gonna come rescue her any minute now, because she drank her blood. Nick says he went back to Georgia and came out to his parents, but it went poorly, so he said he was just kidding. Also, he loves Virgin Airlines because it’s the best. Aspen and Micky head to the bar to get their drink on.

That’s right, I’ve been wearing the same tampon for three days and it feels fucking fantastic.

Micky spots an attractive human she’d like to engage in sexual activities with. They describe her prospective paramour’s overall “look” as “don’t hate crime me, but also, not welcoming any male suitors.” Turns out the lady is a pilot! GET IT SHE’S A PILOT. PILOT IS THE WORD OF THE DAY!

If you have a minute I’d love to tell you why an investment in Cutco knives is an investment in your future!

Meanwhile, Aspen’s outside trying to get in touch with Becca, but it keeps going to voicemail, which means Aspen is stuck at this bar, which is basically my worst nightmare.

Wait, so the Somebody app’s alert sounds are Miranda July’s actual voice?

Aspen returns to the bacchanal to find Micky temporarily smitten by The Pilot. Aspen doesn’t approve.

Aspen: She’s surrounded by what look to be a bunch of mediocre rapists, what sort of self-respecting lesbian comes to a gay bar with straight dudes?
Micky: Oh it’s just some people from her flight crew.
Aspen: What self-respecting lesbian has a straight crew?

Nick leans up from having his tongue down a straight crew-member’s throat to suggest that these men aren’t actually straight!

Hey, anybody got a chapstick they could lend me?

Meanwhile Pace is drinking herself to death and considering purchasing a waterproof vibrator for crying and masturbating and showering at the same time.

Peanut allergies are a drag, dude

Aspen can’t find Micky but HEY-O IT’S AUTOSTRADDLE MUSIC EDITOR STEF!

HEY-O

Aspen escorts Pace home and gets her into bed — but first there’s a moment that you think they’re about to DO IT and that’s when you realize that there are so many possibilities of what could happen next with these humans that you have a deep personal investment in ensuring that this show makes it to the television set.

Now lie on your back with arms and legs spread at 45 degrees, close your eyes and breathe deeply as your whole body relaxes with an awareness of the chest and abdomen rising and falling with each breath

Pace: “Erica’s right, I never know what anyone wants.”

Aspen sits on Pace’s mattress, forlorn. “I know what I want,” Aspen says says, “but I don’t know if I want it yet. ‘Cause what if I get it, and I’m still not happy, and its’ not because of any of this… it’s me.”

Oh, girl.

Cut to Becca’s apartment, where Aspen has arrived after what was undoubtedly a delightful 45-minute Saturday night bus ride. Aspen’s pissed but Becca’s like, whatever, my phone died, SORRRRRYYYYYY. She should get a car charger. I’m going to find out when Becca’s birthday is and send her a car charger.

Look, I’m telling you, Amy is not confused about her sexuality, they’re just making it seem that way

When pressed, Becca finally apologizes, but if I were Aspen I’d be like, “this is a really bad indicator of things to come.” Actually, I think that is how Aspen feels. Aspen looks outside. A plane flies by, probably with a PILOT in the cockpit.

The next morning, Micky’s surprised to greet the dawn and find Aspen present in her very own home, having just returned from Becca’s.

Aspen: I’m secretly still pissed that she didn’t pick me up last night but I’m trying to pretend I’m not extremely petty. It’s exhausting.

OH GIRL

No bro, I’m telling you, there’s no better place to hide your glass dildo than a popcorn bag

Pace, freshly refreshed after her feelings nap and several listens of, I imagine, “Stay With Me,” hops into the living room and declares that it’s time for a NO PANTS PARTY. What’s a NO PANTS PARTY? Only the most adorable thing of all time! Pizza + lesbians + music – pants = no pants party. Get into it.

The truth won’t set you free bitches; I’m going to bury you with it. Kisses -A

What will happen next time? PLEASE LESBIAN JESUS LET THERE BE A NEXT TIME.