Cut to a hot hot club in the wild lesbionic city of Los Angeles, California, which Mickey promises will be buzzing with lezbos looking to get laid sans tinder any minute now.
Nick, The Token Gay Friend, hops into the booth. I love how in lesbian shows, there’s always one gay guy and how in gay shows, there’s always one lesbian. I’m being serious. I do love that. Anyhow, Nick finds out about the breakup and responds as Gay Guys do, which’s to say, callously:
Nick: Well, forget about her okay, you can’t seem emotionally available if you’re gonna get laid tonight. You’ll end up in the friendzone and it’ll be BAD.
Micky: Do gay guys HAVE a friend zone?
Nick: Uh, no not really. There’s no such thing as platonic gays.
Pace: My stomach hurts.
Nick condemns Pace for eating old pizza and expired sushi instead of starving to death like you’re supposed to do when somebody breaks your little heart into pieces. Aspen hates everything because Aspen is Brittani and Brittani hates everything. Also, Becca’s gonna come rescue her any minute now, because she drank her blood. Nick says he went back to Georgia and came out to his parents, but it went poorly, so he said he was just kidding. Also, he loves Virgin Airlines because it’s the best. Aspen and Micky head to the bar to get their drink on.
Micky spots an attractive human she’d like to engage in sexual activities with. They describe her prospective paramour’s overall “look” as “don’t hate crime me, but also, not welcoming any male suitors.” Turns out the lady is a pilot! GET IT SHE’S A PILOT. PILOT IS THE WORD OF THE DAY!
Meanwhile, Aspen’s outside trying to get in touch with Becca, but it keeps going to voicemail, which means Aspen is stuck at this bar, which is basically my worst nightmare.
Aspen returns to the bacchanal to find Micky temporarily smitten by The Pilot. Aspen doesn’t approve.
Aspen: She’s surrounded by what look to be a bunch of mediocre rapists, what sort of self-respecting lesbian comes to a gay bar with straight dudes?
Micky: Oh it’s just some people from her flight crew.
Aspen: What self-respecting lesbian has a straight crew?
Nick leans up from having his tongue down a straight crew-member’s throat to suggest that these men aren’t actually straight!
Meanwhile Pace is drinking herself to death and considering purchasing a waterproof vibrator for crying and masturbating and showering at the same time.
Aspen can’t find Micky but HEY-O IT’S AUTOSTRADDLE MUSIC EDITOR STEF!
Aspen escorts Pace home and gets her into bed — but first there’s a moment that you think they’re about to DO IT and that’s when you realize that there are so many possibilities of what could happen next with these humans that you have a deep personal investment in ensuring that this show makes it to the television set.
Pace: “Erica’s right, I never know what anyone wants.”
Aspen sits on Pace’s mattress, forlorn. “I know what I want,” Aspen says says, “but I don’t know if I want it yet. ‘Cause what if I get it, and I’m still not happy, and its’ not because of any of this… it’s me.”
Oh, girl.
Cut to Becca’s apartment, where Aspen has arrived after what was undoubtedly a delightful 45-minute Saturday night bus ride. Aspen’s pissed but Becca’s like, whatever, my phone died, SORRRRRYYYYYY. She should get a car charger. I’m going to find out when Becca’s birthday is and send her a car charger.
When pressed, Becca finally apologizes, but if I were Aspen I’d be like, “this is a really bad indicator of things to come.” Actually, I think that is how Aspen feels. Aspen looks outside. A plane flies by, probably with a PILOT in the cockpit.
The next morning, Micky’s surprised to greet the dawn and find Aspen present in her very own home, having just returned from Becca’s.
Aspen: I’m secretly still pissed that she didn’t pick me up last night but I’m trying to pretend I’m not extremely petty. It’s exhausting.
OH GIRL
Pace, freshly refreshed after her feelings nap and several listens of, I imagine, “Stay With Me,” hops into the living room and declares that it’s time for a NO PANTS PARTY. What’s a NO PANTS PARTY? Only the most adorable thing of all time! Pizza + lesbians + music – pants = no pants party. Get into it.
What will happen next time? PLEASE LESBIAN JESUS LET THERE BE A NEXT TIME.
