I’ve been in a shark horror kick as of late, trying to watch as many entries in the canon as possible. Jaws is one of my favorite movies of all time, and while I was technically aware many a copycat had been made through the years and the wonderful world of shark-centric cinema was as vast as the sea itself, I still wasn’t quite prepared for just how many schlocky shark movies there are out there. None come close to touching Jaws, but many are fascinating in their own ways. You would think there are only so many ways a filmmaker could invent a BIGGER BADDER FASTER SMARTER shark, but alas, they keep on taking a stab at it! Anyway, let my latest obsession become yours as you take this shark-themed personality quiz, whose overall message is also meant to suggest: All sharks are lesbians.
Quiz: Which Lesbian Shark Are You?
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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya
Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The AV Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.
Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya has written 1101 articles for us.
Comments
I got Hammerhead Shark!
“Body tea? More like Body T (literally their bodies are shaped like a T). Hammerheads have a wider field of vision than other sharks, so if you get this answer, you too can see more than meets the eye and therefore are a good friend for analyzing dyke drama.”
I feel this is all very true but I did feel embarrassed about having to pick the “I’m terrified of sharks please don’t make me see another picture of them” answers for quite a few questions. The idea that all sharks are lesbians does make me a little more endeared to them, however – doing god’s work, Kayla!
lololol my new personality is advocating for sharks
Carpet Shark! God this is so true of me.
I could eat seafood forever and then eat some more on top of that
meeeeee toooooo
Carpet Shark
Sorry does this NOT sound like it would be used as a euphemistic slur for a lesbian in the 1980s? Carpet sharks like to eat little things on the ocean floor, like crustaceans and mollusks. So perhaps you are a tinned fish / oysters / clams kind of lesbian. A Seafood Tower Dyke, if you will.
Hahahaha, yes to the euphemistic slur that I will gladly adopt, but hard pass to the seafood. I am an “avoid tinned fish/oysters/clams” kind of queer. Is it because I’m bi? Is tinned fish only a lesbian thing?
Either way, Carpet Shark yes, tinned fish no, this quiz A+.
I got Whale Shark
“Whale sharks are mostly solitary but will gather in large groups to FEAST, so you are a dinner party gay and/or the gay always hosting a queer soup night for the gang.”
Hah, this is true. Just hosted my annual picnic for my in-town extended family a couple weeks ago.
As an avid shark lover (shark tattoo on my bicep) I feel very seen by this quiz. Also, I got Jaws, the best of the best baby!