Where Oh Where Are the Single Black Lesbians?

featured image via shutterstock

As a Black MoC butch lesbian looking for love online, I can tell you that they’re not on OkCupid or Dattch or any other online dating site. It’s really sad to me because I don’t know where else to look. We’re all so busy and these busy schedules prevent us from having enough social time to meet dateable people and online sites have become the alternative, especially when it comes to finding someone special and not just hooking up.

Truth: I met my ex in the stone age of Yahoo personals.

Back then there were quite a few black lesbians on the site. Interestingly enough, most of the faces I saw on those Yahoo profile pics ended up becoming great friends of mine in the black queer community. Much of the 21 to 30 year old crowd then transitioned from Yahoo to Downelink. That site had a HUGE black community. But it quickly devolved into a hookup site as more people started posting pictures and messages that would never meet the community standards of traditional dating sites. Although it was a great place to find booty shots and I think it may have been the birthplace of “selfie modeling,” it wasn’t really conducive to cultivating mature relationships.

Many Black lesbians have taken matters into their own hands by setting up groups on sites like Meetup, but I’ve found that those are usually one group just recycling their dating options amongst each other and who wants to be a part of all that internal drama?

After my ex and I broke up, I decided to take on OKCupid because the amount of single women in my immediate circle was quickly dwindling. I even rebooted my OKC profile, changed my pic (I cut my dreadlocs off in 2012 and I thought it was deceiving to still have that picture up) and headed off into the world of dating algorithms.

okcupid

I now have a history of adding and deleting my OkCupid account because whenever I’m on there it always matches me with some with lesbian who is hanging off the side of a mountain in her profile picture. I have no idea what I put on my profile that makes OKC think these are the women I’m interested in dating. And honestly I tried throwing caution to the wind and saying “Hey, if the computer says we’re compatible then it must know what’s best, right?” Because honestly, while I’m open to diversity in the women that I date, I have found that usually out of 50 quick matches on OKC I might get three black lesbians. I met up with a hang gliding white lesbian once to see if there could actually be some sort of connection. Maybe she secretly has an affinity for ’60s soul on Stax Records or we could connect over L Word re-treads. It just didn’t work at all. The only thing we connected with was a love for Thai food and cognac which can work in certain situations. But there was no spark. And that is ok.

Hell, at least I tried.

So my friend suggested I try Dattch. I don’t know why because that was an even worse experience. The pool on Dattch was even shallower. There are so few available options that when you DO find someone worth checking out, it’s always the one who never logs in because the site is so dry. So you message them and they don’t respond for a good 2 months. It was a terrible experience and made me start questioning my dating viability as a whole.

dattch

All of this puts me back at the beginning of my quest for this elusive black lesbian waiting for me in cyberspace.

So where in cyberspace are the black lesbians hooking up? I’ve spoken to so many of my people on the same journey that have said they’ve completely given up on OKCupid and other sites as options for the aforementioned reasons. There just isn’t much to choose from if you’re a black lesbian who chooses to date other black lesbians.

I spoke to a friend recently who gave me a little context on our black community. In their opinion, African-Americans don’t like using things like dating sites because it’s like admitting that we need help publicly. This is something that, as a whole, many African-Americans have a hard time doing. When put in dating terms, what that really says is “I don’t want my face appearing on a dating site because then people will think I can’t get a date and trust me, I am too fly for that to be the case.” While I can’t speak for the whole of black lesbians everywhere and while acknowledging that we’re not a monolithic group anyway, I definitely feel connected to what my friend was saying.

Even while writing this article, I have a hard time saying it, admitting that I need help in the love department. Dating requires a certain amount of vulnerability. Online dating ups the amount of vulnerability involved because it’s there for the world to see. In Melissa Harris Perry’s Sister Citizen, she talks about Black women and our relationship to shame. The ideology of the “strong black woman” is one strategy that black women have developed to specifically combat shame. MPH is quick to point out that “What begins as empowering self definition can quickly become a prison… This means that they are validated, admired and praised based on how they behave, not on who they are.”

So how then can this translate to something as simple as opening oneself up on a dating site? To me it connects to this quote from psychologist Regina Romero:

Society expects the African American to handle losses, traumas, failed relationships and the dual oppressions of racism and sexism. Falling short of this expectation is viewed by many African American women as a personal failure.

Working within the ideologies that MHP and Dr. Romero have presented, it would seem that black women would avoid spaces like OKC for a few reasons. One is the feeling that this particular app isn’t meant for us. That it is in fact a “white” space where we don’t see ourselves reflected at all. Some may even see internet dating, as Tasha Mac from “The Game” would put it, as some white mess.

MPH further explained “To be true to the race, a Black woman must not fall into depression or allow herself to be weak, pitiful, or needy — these are attributes of white women.” Which leads us to the shaming aspect. The feeling that that putting ourselves out there is openly stating that we have somehow failed at connecting with a partner in more traditional real life settings. This feeling of failure, especially in the area of relationships, adds another dimension to how Black women navigate the dating world in this very public space.

Which leads me to my next question: Are Black lesbians not interested in online dating in these spaces or is there something in the dating algorithm that keeps us apart? I have friends on Facebook and Twitter that post all the time about their adventures in online dating. These are friends that live fairly closely to me and we have tons of things in common. So how is it that we have NEVER come up in each other’s matches? Literally I cannot tell you what is on their profiles because I have never come across them. Is it crazy for me to believe that it’s because of the way these sites are set up? Silly? Probably. Impossible? No.

I don’t think that the site designers set out to keep Black lesbians apart but I do think that it’s possible that the match questions that they ask may hold the key as to why we would never run into each other on their sites. I feel that there are many questions that they DON’T ask that are culturally specific. These questions could make their matches a little more accurate. And I may be wrong, considering I have not gone through the 500 questions that OKCupid tries to ask me, but there is no longer a race/ethnicity option on the site.

Is it wrong to have the desire to date women like yourself? I don’t think so. We all have preferences and I happen to truly love Black lesbians. For me there is a cultural connection that I’m not ready to leave behind. I’d like to have a partner who shares my cultural experience and understands exactly where I come from. I don’t want to be in a relationship where a core component is explaining to them how myself and other black women, gay or straight, navigate the world. To ALWAYS be the black person in the room explaining the space we inhabit where we have to shift and make room and adjust to life and things that happen to us. I want us to share a common ground and for me culture is a very important part of that foundation.

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I won’t lie though and say that “culture” doesn’t have as much to do with little things. Like if I say I’m gonna “Baptist faint” I need you to pull out the church fans with the jheri curl family on them. I need you to have a firm stance on which Lionel from The Jeffersons was the best. You must have a particular fondness for The Wiz. Your shock that the Wayans made movies before Scary Movie does not win points. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Is it?

It would be awesome to log into a site like OKC or Dattch and find another Black woman to date. Currently there’s a group of POC programmers that are attempting to design an app that does just that called THURST. The designers aim for it to be the first dating app to “decolonize the online dating and hookup scene and create a space where marginalized folks can be as thursty as they want.” It counts amongst its features filters based on POC and Non-POC designations and political beliefs. Apparently someone else has been having the same experience that I have! You can read all about THURST. Meanwhile I’ll wait for OKC and Dattch to get their algorithms right, and I’ll keep searching for suitable alternatives.

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Carolyn Wysinger

Carolyn Wysinger is a thirty something masculine of center womyn from Richmond, Ca. She is a writer & Social Entrepreneur. She earned her B.A. in English from California State University, Long Beach and her M.F.A. from Antioch University. She has served on the steering committees for BUTCHVoices and Black Lesbians United. She is a board member of the NIA Collective for same-gender loving women of African Descent. Her first book Knockturnal Emissions: Thoughts on #race #sexuality #gender & #community is currently available on Glover Lane Press. Twitter: @knockturnalpro Instagram: theknockturnalproject

Carolyn has written 8 articles for us.

94 Comments

  1. THIS SPEAKS TO ME

    I feel like online dating is just never ever gonna work for finding a proper viable long term partner. When ppl say that they met their wife/fiancée online I’m like ‘in what dimension?!?’

    • I think it really depends on what you get into online dating for, how persistent you are about it, and your parameters.

      I “found” my partner (and from the look of it now, eventual wife) on OKC. I think that for us, it worked because:

      1) we are super involved professionals with bonkers hours/schedules, so if we want to meet people not-on-accident, it almost has to be done through friends or online
      2) we’ve had our OKC profiles for forever – three years on mine, five plus on hers.
      3) we both had exhausted the community in our respective city, and when we found each other, were willing to make a weekly international commute to keep seeing each other
      4) we were initially just looking for a fuck buddy, and then everything kind of miraculously fell into place. I’m talking storybook, fairytale, weird voodoo shit that I have NEVER believed could POSSIBLY happen to anyone, even Cinderfuckingella.

      I have other friends who used OKC to find “just friends” when they moved to new cities, and then got married/engaged to those people.

      that said, I think that if you’re looking in the same city you’ve always been in, you’re trying to find someone in a short time frame (let’s say a few weeks), and you’re looking for someone who’s like, a 99% match. . .you’re not gonna find it.

      I’ve had plenty of AWFUL OKC dates. . .but I also had the one good one.

      and it only takes one. :)

      • …Thanks but this article is about the struggle as a BLACK LESBIAN to find another BLACK LESBIAN. And…you don’t appear to be…a black lesbian?

        But anyway, I’ve had my profile for 3 years, keep it updated, And I’ve exhausted the v limited options in my previous supposedly v gay city.

        I go to places, I haul my ass outta my house on the off chance the ONE might be at that gig/panel/event. But no, because what I’m looking for is v specific and has to be in the package of someone who is also a BLACK LESBIAN.

        Aaaarghhh.

        • when I was reading this article, what I gathered was the struggle of POC individuals to find somebody within their community who shared their cultural, moral, and personal values, and that there is a complete and utter lack of appealing/new/quite frankly any POC online. yes?

          okay, well, that’s me. I’m Jewish (and not the New York or LA kind, thank you very much). I check “other” on the “what’s your race?” box, and thanks to my mother’s Swedish genes, I have red hair (enhanced by dye) and cancer-pale skin. does that mean I have to identify as white?

          I like to date nice, agnostic Jewish girls with my cultural background. I have a HELL of a time finding that, even in Seattle, where there’s a pretty solid Jewish community – not a lot of Jewish lesbians.

          show me a girl who can spit Yiddish to match mine.
          who sees a GOOD bagel as a religious experience.
          someone who *gets* that my grandma will be guilting me until I am or marry a doctor, no matter what.
          sinkers vs. floaters.
          Chinese food for dinner for every major Christian holiday.
          . . .y’know?

          so, am I black? no.
          am I a POC? a racial minority? yes.

          and I thought, maybe erroneously, that the proliferation of POC articles on AS meant we are all trying to be more inclusive. In the very least, I figured I could participate in this conversation as another POC. I didn’t think to say, “OH, by the way, I’m a Jew”, because I figured y’all might politely recognize that you can’t judge a book by its cover.

          and if the answer to that is no, that we’re not being inclusive, we don’t want other POCs to comment on POC articles (or even white people – what’s wrong with them trying to read and understand?), then we should all sit down and have a serious talk, because I really don’t get how that’s any better than biphobia, or transphobia.

  2. I live in Houston and I joined a lesbian bowling league. Most of the women my age were black. I’m not sure where you live, but maybe try a hobby league similar to that? I don’t blame ladies for wanting to meet a little more “organically.” I don’t see too many black lesbians on dating sites, either.

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  4. “Like if I say I’m gonna “Baptist faint” I need you to pull out the church fans with the jheri curl family on them.”

    Ahhhhhh this right here! I’ve recently realized that I, kind of exclusively want to date black queer folks (or a person of color). And I know black culture isn’t monolithic, but there’s a shared something that the majority of us have and that’s important!! I’ve found it so hard on okcupid and tinder specifically to find other black queers (particularly ones that I haven’t already dated. Okcupid loves matching me with my exes) and it is SO disheartening.

    Also, has anyone else found that if/when you do find other black queers online they’re all super conservative and heteronormative? I’ve seen quite a few hotties (specifically masc of center) who say crazy shit like “women need to shave” “the man is the head of household (?????¿¿¿¿)” or even worse, and sadder, “I believe the bible says homosexuality is a sin”

    Where can I find revolutionary black queer love on the Internet yall?? WHERE?

    • “Where can I find revolutionary black queer love on the Internet yall??”

      YAAAAAAAAAAS! Someone let me know! I’ll be there with bells on.

    • One time I had an amazing internet connection with a Black queer woman from Denmark. It started with my interest in African Diaspora art and she opened the conversation with her loving the post-colonial artwork of Yinka Shonibare MBE.

      *internally screams* I remember crying happy tears then it turned to sadness because she lives in Denmark.

    • Hello Dear, How are u doing Friend ? I’m Just here to meet people , lean about them and see how it go, let me tell u little about myself so that i wont look like stranger to u , I am Daniella call me Ella from Texas Fort Worth , single for 2 Years and looking for Friendship and serious relationship that can lead to marriage with some one that is real and serious because i don’t have time for Mind games or Bs,i been through shit when it come to Relationship so i dont wanna deal with stuff like that anymore, I do 2
      Jobs because i dont wanna depend on any one and also go to school because i wanna be some one Great in Life, I Work a lot don’t wanna be Lazy type of Woman that sit around Jobless , That why I do 2 Jobs to put Food on my Table because i don’t wanna depend in any body to do that for me.I am looking for some one to get to know or maybe we can hook up in future or something special can happen who knows shit happen Lol dont mind me i can be silly some time . I’m down to earth, lay back and Fun to be with, i don’t dwell on my past,im caring , romantic, God fearing,lover not a fighter,i’m just that
      special woman for some one REAL, I can be Rude and mean if u call for it and same time i can be the sweetest Woman u ever Meet in ur Life and my attitude depend on how u treat me or talk to me.I Love cooking for my Baby , shopping , Movie , travel , i dont smoke nor drink . I will Like us to get to know each other on friend level for now becaus i been hurt lot of time and i don’t wanna rush into anything for now.I dont have time for Games or drama , i don’t entertain bullshit and if u gat bs with u just don’t bother to holla back at me because i can be Real Mean when some one give me ass to Kiss and i can be the best woman in the world and can also be the Bitch ass woman that wanna see u go down Lmao. Text me we can talk
      better But mind u giving u my Number didn’t mean i am stupid or some Suck Ass BITCH…some people like to messed up Little chance that i giving to them,well looking forward to have Convo with . 1(512)827 (7048 .. Take care and stay blessed Holla back
      Lot of Love Kiss

  5. I FEEL THIS SO MUCH.
    I’ve pretty much decided that any new partner I take on needs to be black for the same reasons you list, shared culture and not having to explain what it’s like to navigate the world as a black, gay, woman. I’m having no success online and my introversion keeps me from being gung ho about striking up random conversations with the black women I see at the local coffee shops.

    • I feel you. But what choices do you have then?

      Random conversations can lead to interesting results… I have to do this all the time with all the closeted Sistahs where I live.

      What’s the worst thing that can happen?

  6. Love love love! I live in the middle of nowhere Louisiana. In this space people are so closeted that it is ridiculous to even try to date. I have lived here 5 years and haven’t been in a relationship and have only been on 2 dates. So WHERE OH WHERE ARE THE BLACK LESBIANS!!??
    Great read!!

    • I’m in Louisiana too. Been here since 2002. I think the lesbians rally in a underground cave or something.

    • I’m in Alexandria LA. Small town. Been here for yrs. Since 2002. I can count the black lesbians I’ve met here since then on one hand. So, I turned to the www. Biggest mistake ever!! Had absolutely no luck. So I eventually settled for what I felt I could get in such a small town. But it only lasted a few months. I’ve dated out of my race before. Not really trying to again. I’m not racist. I just would love to find a beautiful black lesbian. Tired of the crap that comes with trying to internet date I deleted all accounts. Facebook too. If I can’t find someone in the real world, in person, I will just be single. Its frustrating

  7. PREACH, Gotdamn you hit the nail on the head, I could never articulate why I’m so hesitant to join a dating site but this sums it up perfectly

  9. Yes! Couldn’t agree more. Like, literally, there’s seemingly only non-black POC online. I always thought it was just me.

    • My first time on this site and here is alot of girls white and black but wheres the colourd love all skin color girls….

  10. This is interesting. Maybe it depends on location, but when I was using OkCupid I was primarily matched with black lesbian and bisexual women. The problem I ran into was that it was Femme City, and I’m primarily attracted to butches. The few butches (well, most used the term stud, not butch) I did meet, of a variety of races and ethnicities, had some ofthe issues described above: demanding a woman who met Barbie like standards of beauty, always wanting to be in control, wanting a woman who would “wait at home” for them. I did meet my wonderful (butch) girlfriend on OKC, but it took a lot of trial and error.

    • Hello beautiful black girl,
      I’m Sonja McDonell, 23, stewardess Swiss Airlines. I was looking for black lesbian girls I found you in south Africa. Ther’re someblack girls in the Zürich redlight district who offer sex for 50-300 Euros for short time or overnight. It’s a pitty they’ve to sell their beyautiful bidies, because they’re poor.
      I can say I’m tender and with many fantasies, also in my wonderful job. I’ve only had few white girls,but never a black one. Can we meet us in my june or july vacations for lesbian fun?
      Sonja sonjamcdonell@yahoo.com

  12. This does seem like a huge problem. I really can’t remember seeing many black women at all on my matchups, and you’re right that they don’t let you filter by race/ethnicity. Which is weird, because I’m pretty sure one of those filtering questions asked me if I would consider dating outside of my race, which like, if you’re going to ask that???

  13. i love instagram, black queers are all over it! just have to make sure that they are of age, I’m 28 and some of the other posters are in their teens. i recently created my instagram account (to stalk yasmin estrada, huge crush)anyway, i was so wonderfully surprised to see so many single queers out there. Also, as a stud it was a little bit of an ego stroke to see many fems gush about the studs they’d like to meet and fall in love with.

  14. I can relate so much to the article. I’m tired of bars, clubs, okcupid, pof, etc. etc. Black lesbians, where yall at?! Please arise!

    • I’m not currently on adating site but I have been dating…ugh absolutely no luck! Needles to say there are stable and available women….We’re here in Houston lol
      At least that’s were I am.

  15. To quote the gospel of Kevin G from the good movie Mean Girls, “not to hurt your feelings but I only date women of color,” and “don’t let the haters stop you from doing your thang.”

    Since doing that it has been lonely and the thirst has been too real. There have been a many of nights where I stayed home with no pants on watching Popular and/or A Different World. After a couple of glasses of wine, I find myself on Instragram looking at really good-looking QPOC more so Black queer people and I feel a pull and a tug. Sometimes I let out a sigh because I wonder where are these people? How can I meet them and more importantly, are they single?

    The thirst, I need to quench it and Bushwick parties are not cutting it.

    When I meet other Black queer women they are already partnered or I’m not their type, which is cool, *deep sigh* I’m a tommcat femme and that puts me in the ambiguous area on the butch femme spectrum. I’m not going to change however there are so many layers on why I can’t seem to find a Black queer lady to date. Some has to do with my own internal assumptions, external assumptions and distance. Type is a big thing too because being a queer Black lady, in all our collective experiences there are lots similarities but significant differences.

    This article hits too close to home and hope that with the responses, I’m going to let out a, “haaaaaay girl, haaaaaay!” in Black *single* queer lady solidarity.

    …and maybe a PM. I’m nice because I got a metrocard, 20 bucks and a dream, I’m ready to make a love connection.

    • You are so right about the black lesbian gender-presentation extremes being a huge obstacle. I identify as stemme, dressing as both stud and femme, which has been met with confusion or sudden disinterest from people I (almost maybe) dated. Like why is so necessary to be only one or the other at all times without fail to be considered attractive? O_o

  16. A lot of queer women of color use the website plenty of fish. Though, I know a lot of people who don’t really want to use pof.com for many reasons including that profiles do not really show much information.

  17. I concur it seems like back in the day of Yahoo groups, Black Voices and Aol chat I met more women who I could relate to whether they were for dating or friendships I still have for the most part ….it seems like sites like POF are about the short term and the cultural or pop culture things that are important to me I rarely share with whomever I meet…when you find out where they all are…drop a line and let us know

  18. Race plays zero factor in my dating choices, *but* I’m of mixed race, Cublackanese as I so fondly like to refer to myself and ever since I moved to Portland I have dated not one person in that mix! It was a thank jesus moment when I finally dated a woman of Asian descent.

    You start to feel like some sort of self loathing racist. I’m like on of five black girls in Portland in my age demographic. Outside of my age demo, it’s even worse. I don’t think it’s online versus real life thing here. #reasonstomovebacktocalicali

    I grew up in So Cal though, so I have no clue what Baptist faint is? I’m probably not the culturally black girl people are looking for.

    • I feel you. Portland is rough for diversity all across the board, but it’s especially bad with its black population. Oregon historically has been not kind to black people (used to have a state governor who was a high ranking kkk official, etc). When you add that to a white population who would *like* to be progressive and inclusive but who literally have hardly ever even encountered black people, it makes it hard to get any kind of real ‘diversity’ going.

  19. I live near Cleveland, and I have no faith in queer online dating whatsoever. I’ve tried okcupid, dattch, tinder, etc…and it’s like the same 10 girls faces over and over. Plus, everyone writes these weirdly self-deprecating/crazy profiles (usually including some variation of “what do you do on Friday nights?” “I sit around in my pajamas and eat pizza with my cat”) which kind of turns me off from messaging them at all.

    I am sure there are more gay ladies out there in my city…I just have no idea where to find them. Let me know when you figure it out.

  20. I think this is a pretty relatable issue for everyone and not just POCs. Online dating is at best brutal and at worst isolating.

    • Well, yes…but this’s article was written by a POC about POC. It wasn’t meant to mention White folk’s experiences. It’s a cultural thing, as stated in the article, and you responding with, “Hey, it happens to us to!” was redundant and borderline rude. It wasn’t for you, or about you. The article is clearly titled with the words “Black Lesbians”.

  21. I hear this all the time, where are the black women. Try being single for 20yrs and in my late forties. I hear “how attractive and what a great catch I am” for the longest time. I am surrounded by younger white women and rarely see another black lesbian that is not in a relationship or half my age. My question is…where are all the older and professional single sista’s in the Detroit area?

  22. I’ve been wondering the same forever. I moved to Texas a little less than 3 years ago and my first thing that I was excited about was this ” Big new city, lots of lesbians of color” philosophy that I grabbed from some hole in the earth. I was wrong. They aren’t online, they aren’t at your neighborhood coffee shop, and they sure aren’t at the clubs (though I’ve never thought that was a good idea anyway). My lady found me on my downelink profile that I wasn’t even using anymore. We’re still together so I can’t say anything bad about that, but even in the quest for looking for any LGBTQ friends to hang with we’re coming up short. There have to be literal millions of us, so where is everyone hiding!?

  23. This is my first day on this site and already I’ve read 3x more articles about women of color in comparision to that “that other” lesbian site I read. I will be back! Great stuff!

  24. Finding another black person (hell, even another person of color) to date in my city/niche (medium-sized midwestern city/weird punkish bookish nerds?) seems completely laughable to me. I literally don’t think it will ever happen. And based on these comments it’s not even this city. Even those of you who live on the coast/in bigger cities seem to be in the same boat. I don’t know. I feel kind of weird and shitty about it sometimes, but I can’t magically conjure more queer black and POC folks. :/

  25. OMFG thank you for this. I’ve been rejected over race so much- often not in so many words, but still, it was there- and it SUCKS. Couple that with the fact that I am in my thirties and adamantly childfree by choice, completely out of the closet, and a hardline atheist..and…well…there’s nobody for me to date.

    Don’t get me wrong- Tinder is my best friend and I hook up A LOT, but finding a lady or two to actually date and connect with would be swell. Hook ups are fine, but generally they don’t turn into friendships, and certainly not relationships.

  26. Blegh, so much this! I live in Nashville and my Dad is still in SF – everytime I talk to him he tells me I wouldn’t be single if I moved back home. As much as I appreciate the support I’m pretty sure he’s just using it as a ploy to get me to move home.

  27. Amazing article! As a queer lightskined Black femme, I have always found it hard to find a poc to date. Thank you for this article…I often thought I was crazy and it was just me!

  28. For those looking for sista spaces for SGL women both BLU (Black Lesbians United) and NIA offer annual retreats. Queer Black women attend from around the country. They are wonderful opportunities to connect with other black lesbians and feed the spirit.

  29. Great article!

    This is indeed a challenge. There are some sistas on POF, but if I must say… Not that friendly and scared to take it offline.

  30. I came across this woman a while back. She and her group might be what the author is looking for.Nicole Breedlove of internet based Our Sista Circle. A resource for lesbian women of color, she has thousands of members from all over the world.Funding it entirely on her own, she works 18-hour days a week to get it done. I heard her speak about her work with such passion in an interview and i like that she doesn’t cater to bisexuals with hubby at home looking for a side piece, swinggers, bi-curious women or fake accounts hiding men. PC is not her thing,but authenticity and SAFETY is what she says has created a safe space for lesbians ONLY looking for sapphic relationships. In other words inclusive it’s not, no bisexuals allowed and she doesn’t care. One of the biggest turn off for me are spaces that say they are for lesbian dating and anybody that has an internet connection can just join. “She monitors the site daily and relies on her attention to detail and safety and her members to spot fakers, questionable content and men treading into a lesbian safe space.” Don’t know if she is still up and running,because i just bookmarked the interview.

    • Just did a quick search and unfortunately it looks like the site is down….

      Good interview though.

    • hey, this is super biphobic. bisexual people are not a threat to dating websites, you can just specify if you don’t want to date us but having a site that hunts down and chases off anyone who might not fit the perfect pure gay woman blueprint you’re working to…well, shit, i guess enjoy your life but don’t recommend that website here.

      any chance of modding this comment, mods?

  31. I met my fiance on plenty of fish! =)

    Be patient, you will find her. You can’t tell everything about a woman by her dating profile. Don’t let the fact that a lot of people are on sites for hookups discourage you. Be clear about what you want in your profile and she will find you ;)

    See if there are any lesbian book clubs or other get togethers in your area. Tell your friends you’re looking so they can tell you who is looking too.

    I liked plenty of fish because in the description you knew exactly what the woman was interested in and the type of woman she is…
    I hated OKC!!! Also instagram sometimes has lesbian shout out pages you can find singles there too

    Good luck on your journey to find love my dear ♡

  32. This is my life too. Most of my friends are coupled and I have many friends straight and gay who have met and gotten married to the loves of their lives, that they met online. I was on POF about 4 years ago and never met any POC. Now I’m on OKC and if I am matched with a POC, she is bi-sexual (I’m only interested in lesbians) or much older then I am interested in dating. But, that is so rare. I just don’t see a lot of POC on the site. I have dated people of many different races, but after my last experience dating an asian woman, I decided that I too, need to be in a relationship with someone who understands and shares my cultural experience. And for me it’s not just an online problem. I can’t tell you where mature single lesbians hang out in my city. I belong to 2 LGBT Meetups and any black women that come out are usually in a relationship. I’m seriously considering a move to the west coast.

    • Im looking for some one and interested in white femmes im loving tours what i like and on face book i go by helenawatts and thought ill say hello . Iam black and of age looking to chat , date, and mingle. And yes im single34 of age..okay

    • ”Bisexual”, there’s no hyphen. If you’re going to be bigoted against dating bisexual women, at least be accurate eh.

  33. I agree about these website..I too was like nah im not getting on here, I dont want to appear hungry..I too got
    tired of the club scene on a regular.

  34. This post is EVERYTHING…

    Where are the black women? Especially women my age (51) or slightly under or above. Where are you? Did you take a flight to Jupiter? Are you the one or if not the prototype? Sigh… I feel I shall be forever single. I haven’t given up hope yet.

  35. I now have a history of adding and deleting my OkCupid account because whenever I’m on there it always matches me with some with lesbian who is hanging off the side of a mountain in her profile picture. I have no idea what I put on my profile that makes OKC think these are the women I’m interested in dating. And honestly I tried throwing caution to the wind and saying “Hey, if the computer says we’re compatible then it must know what’s best, right?” Because honestly, while I’m open to diversity in the women that I date, I have found that usually out of 50 quick matches on OKC I might get three black lesbians. I met up with a hang gliding white lesbian once to see if there could actually be some sort of connection. Maybe she secretly has an affinity for ’60s soul on Stax Records or we could connect over L Word re-treads. It just didn’t work at all. The only thing we connected with was a love for Thai food and cognac which can work in certain situations. But there was no spark. And that is ok.

    You summed it up. So. Spot. On.

  37. Try Plenty of Fish (loads of black women there). Tumblr is hands down the best though because most people have good politics. Not really a dating site but people tend to use it that way.

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  39. My ex and I met on Yahoo through one of the chat rooms. That was over a decade ago. Now, it seems like it’s difficult to meet decent people in person let alone online. I live in Ohio, so I don’t have the opportunity to be around a lot of AA lesbians myself. Would love to have an app that I can meet like-minded people. Maybe my standards were different back then, or maybe I was more enthusiastic about meeting people since I was younger. Who knows!! But I loved your article.

  40. Great article! Thank you for sharing your dating experiences.

    Note: I’m confused, I can still see ethnicity / race options when I login to OkCupid (both web and mobile). Did they remove and add the feature after getting hell from the interwebs?

  41. This problem sounds like a potentially great business idea. Someone needs to fill this need. Any takers?

  42. I live in South Carolina and have been wondering the same thing for a couple of years now.

    WHERE ARE THE QUEENS HIDING AT???
    Don’t be shy.Let yourself be known,and message me to introduce yourself :)

    Lol.But for real though…I honestly never thought that I would be single at the age of 28.
    I’ve always been picky about who I allow in my life/get involved with but dang man.It’s been reeeeeeeal. rough out chea for the last few years.

    A couple of months ago I decided to join POF.That was an interesting experience for me.
    Unfortunately,a lot of women that messaged me were interested in going to clubs and getting high/drunk.I was never about any of that.
    Others would message me with but had on very little clothing in their photos ,children etc.Even though I love kids,I’m not interested in getting involved with someone who has them.
    And the rest were like…I’m a bad b and other nonsense.
    No,thanks.I’ll pass.

    Honestly,I thought that I would’ve had an amazing woman in my life right now to share everything with.
    It’s just hard to meet someone and I refuse to settle and definitely am not looking for a woman who calls herself a bad b.
    I’m looking for a Queen.A Goddess.Not all that extra ish.
    -shrugs-
    Guess I’ll just hold tight and maybe she’ll find me one day.

  43. Good article. Here are the places where I meet the most QPOC: WNBA games, college women’s basketball games, sorority events, professional women organizational events. I live in Indianapolis and we have a lot of these events close by but if you live in a smaller town you may have to schedule a few weekends on your calendar to venture out. There are a lot of beautiful people in these places

  44. Let’s face it, a higher percentage of white lesbians come out than black lesbians do. That makes them harder to find in person, unless you live somewhere like Atlanta. I think this also adds to why it’s harder to find black lesbians online. I know I am not about to put pics of myself online when I am not out to everyone. I don’t care about being perceived as needing help dating–more people than not need help with this because it’s so hard. It is especially hard to find black femme lesbians, who seem to come out the least. I can find a black stud if I want to, and where I live there are many of them.

  45. I completely agree and respect this article. A friend and I speak about this issue constantly… Back in the days it seemed easier and more options available although some sites you needed to pay. Then, I felt it was well worth it… Now… I’m lost.. I find myself back and forth on these sites but I’m not satisfied.. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some great women off of pof and we are friends. It’s just not the same anymore, I’m glad to know I’m not alone on this issue..

  47. Hi. I’m glad I found this article. I live in New England. Vermont to be. Not from here but it has been very very very hard to find anyone to even really relate to. As for dating here, I’ve tried. Been knocked down gotten back up and knocked down again.

    Here, I’m chased by men, not. I’ve thought that I found at least someone to relate to but wrong. Only when they r drinking and I’m the one that calls them or Msg them.

    If I don’t then I don’t hear from them unless we run into each other somewhere.

    Anyway, great article, hits the nail on the head. Where r the black, intelligence, funny, sexy, beautiful womyn?????

    • Hey Jackie, this sounds like my story. I wish we could be pen pals or something just to connect with someone similar. Good luck and keep smiling sister.

  49. I found this article while looking for Black Lesbian and Bi women, so yeah the struggle is real… with all of it’s flaws, I wish downelink was still up.

  50. This is still so relevant. I’m trying to decolonize my (nonexistent) dating life, and it’s hard. I’m in Ohio for school right now, and it’s so hard to find queer women of color and queer black folk.

    Hit me up though, if you want to chat! I need more black queers in my life.

  51. Ironic that I ran across this article. I was just wondering the exact same thing. I’ve tried several dating sites and apps and I swear the same people are listed on every one of them. I really can’t understand why we don’t have a larger presence on the internet as a whole. The groups on social sites are ok but I find them to be pretty random. While searching this morning, I happened to come across what I thought was a very interesting concept. A kickstarter project. A social networking site for lesbians of color. Well we’ll see what happens. It would be great to just open the door and be totally surrounded by black lesbians for the picking. lol (here’s the link if anyone is interested in supporting) this is my first time visiting AS and I read the comment rules but it didn’t say anything about links so pleeeaaassseee forgive me if I’m breaking any rules. I just wanted to share the available info I found in regards to the post. https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2065122629/black-lesbian-social-site

  52. They’re everywhere just like the white ones that are all over the place nowadays if you look hard enough.

  53. I’ve been single for years now and have been thinking of giving the idea of dating another try. I’ve been on a few dating sites. I’m realizing that being a woman of color in her late 40’s can be quite a challenge. I feel like I’m invisible. It seems like a lot of people have a preference for younger women. When I was younger I hardly had any problems getting dates. Now my age seems to be a problem. Add to the fact that I’m bisexual, leaning more towards masculine women and it’s even harder.

    • wow, I never would stop to think bi women have it just as bad. I’ve started trolling Meetup in hopes of finding a group that will have that chocolate latte but I ended up making my own. It isnt target to afro lesbians but I have 2 so far. Here’s the catch, they wont respond to any of my messages. There’s a serious problem here

  54. It’s been at least a year since I first found this article. I have not had much luck with finding the afro lesbians but I think there is hope here right under our eyes. I’m currently living in San Diego and there is a women of color meetup group here, but getting anyone to actually meetup let alone have a conversation in there is like watching paint dry. I started a meetup for eccentric lesbo and any of you are welcome to join but I plan it to be active. Why are we not talking to each other> even if I’m not your type I could very well have some friends that are. We gotta start looking on the outside of the box people. Anyway, here is the link to my meetup and anyone can feel free to message me https://www.meetup.com/Eccentric-Bos-of-SD/

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