Height, the holy grail of a straight woman’s yearning. Like the actual Holy Chalice, it’s a cup from which they hope to drink that symbolizes happiness, eternal youth, infinite abundance, clear skin, cleared debts, free healthcare for all, the dissolution of the police state, and the key change in Love on Top. Height in a man isn’t just a cure-all (But he’s tall…), it’s the main attraction (He’s tall!).
As if a straight man’s life couldn’t get any easier, there is this. It’s not contingent on or an addition to personality, effort, lifestyle, beliefs, or values, just: His bones are long! I love life, and living it.
It’s been established that Straight Women Are Not Okay, and this is just another drop in the ocean. But the ecosystem is not ours to disrupt, and so as much as we want to intervene, we can only watch as they follow the light beam of a car rather than that of the moon.
Within these anthropologic observations exists an exercise in self-reflection. An opportunity to Carrie Bradshaw our own community. Turning the mirror, couldn’t we help but wonder what, above all else, we value? What exists in a vacuum of our singular desires? Ultimately: what’s the lesbian “He’s Tall”?
Like many heroes of our time, I took to Twitter for the answer. There didn’t seem to be a general consensus, but based on people’s replies and the likes attributed to each one, we created a solid foundation from which to work. Let’s investigate each one, descending from most to least agreed upon.
She’s Tall
Lol. I’ll admit I’m intrigued by this answer in that if I saw a taller woman in, say, high-rise tailored pants, I’d take a brief n’night on whatever surface was available to me. But I’ve also got to give to it my mediums and smalls. For example, Janelle Monáe is 5’0! (?????!!!??????)
Attractive Hands
Remember when I suggested everyone at Autostraddle take a picture of their hands so we could test the Ring/Index Finger Theory and everyone was like “Whoa, what’s Erin’s deal?” but also it inadvertently became a thirst trap? Well, look what’s sort of paying off now, based on another idea of my own making!
She’s Queer
This one, honestly, blew my mind. It was the simplest and yet immediately rang most true. Not to be all Your Friend From High school Who Still Lives in Your Hometown about it, but sometimes knowing another gay person can really be the sweet spot.
Good Hair
This does track, as it’s certainly canon in Do I Want To Be Her or Do I Want to Be With Her. It also seems to be the most utilized signifier. Hm.
She Beat Up My Dad
Look, if I had my way, this would be our answer.
We Wear the Same Size Clothing/Shoes
I have to laugh. This can’t be true. Are y’all really out there going, “Wow, she sucks as a person, but at least she wears whatever size H&M has decided to make up based on no real gauge of the human body!”?
Has Pockets
When I tried to clarify if this applied to a person, the response was simply: “Sure.” To which I’ll respond: sure.
Are these all of our options? No. But they’re honest answers and I respect them. Do you? It doesn’t matter, because it’s important we come together on a final answer and eat at the dinner table LIKE A FAMILY. It’s free to do so in the comments!
