To the extent that there’s anything approaching a roadmap to gay dating for women and nonbinary people, you’re reading it. JK, even with our prodigious back catalog of tips and deep dives on lesbian/queer/gay dating, it’s basically impossible to ever feel like you’re doing this right. We don’t either! Like, truly, ever. Learn from our mistakes (and our exes’): here are the things we wish we had known before we started gay dating.
What We Wish We’d Known Before We Started Gay Dating
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“And this might be a weird answer too, but I kind of wish I’d been exposed to more stories about abuse and toxicity in queer relationships so that I could have had a better understanding of some of the things that eventually happened to me/made me feel really alone. I also wish I had learned that the whole “all lesbians stay friends with their exes” stereotype was indeed a harmful myth. Could have saved a lot of time and effort!”
Ugh yes Kayla, this this this.
So much truth here!
“I wish I had known that women can destroy you too.”
“I wish I’d known that dating women isn’t magically easier, better or hotter just because they’re women and so am I.”
“That you don’t have to keep dating someone just because they are queer and that their queerness doesn’t mean they can’t be a bad person.”
When I came out as bi and started dating / attempting to date women, I wish I’d known that:
1 – dating women was not going to magically solve all of my relationship problems (particularly not the ones I caused with poor communication)
2 – having sex with women / having sex with anyone not a cis man was not going to magically cure my trauma caused by CSA
3 – I didn’t actually have to have my shit completely together and all of my trauma healed in order to “deserve” to have a relationship with a woman
I don’t have much to add, but I really wanted to say how beautiful and thoughtful and funny and varied all these responses were and how much I enjoyed reading them/ wished they had been around for my baby gay self. Thank you!
i wish i had known what a red flag was, so i could have known what a red flag it was that she thought “heavenly creatures” was “the most romantic story ever”!!!
“I wish I had known that dating wasn’t about impressing people into thinking I was hot and cool and valuable, but that it was finding out who had the interest and capability to love me the way I wanted”
WHEW. Thank you, Kamala.
The very last sentence… You’re actually not that picky, you’re just not straight.
Yep.
I wish I had known better signs of ghosting. That people who are flirting with you will ghost you for no reason & that’s okay.
“[dating] was finding out who had the interest and capability to love me the way I wanted”
“they can be boring, or difficult to understand, or someone can be really cool and fun but you just aren’t sexually compatible at all, or someone can be really cool and fun but you just don’t feel it for them, or they don’t about you, and you don’t know why and that’s the end of it”
those have been among my big relationship lessons, too, though I don’t think they’re particular to dating women.
a lesson specific to gay dating- I prefer dating people who view and experience queerness as a thing of beauty and liberation. I celebrate it in myself, and I want that amplified in relationship. Neutrality or ambivalence doesn’t cut it for me.
and the only thing I can think of to answer the ‘what I wish I’d known before’ question–I am also glad to have had the experiences that taught me the things I hadn’t known about myself and myself-in-relationship–is just how *good* it is, for me. how much more like home. oh I hope to have a long queer life ahead of me to live into that knowledge.
YES to the way we experience queerness! For me, it’s also about so much more than who I date/have sex with: it’s about the communities I’m a part of, the art I make and seek out, the entire way I move in the world. My dates don’t have to experience their queerness in exactly that same way, of course, but it helps to start from a similar base of understanding.
many many many nuggets of wisdom here! thank you, GaysTM!!
I think what I wish i’d known, and what i still need reminding when I’m dating people, is it’s okay to tell the person you fancy that you fancy them. Even if they’re straight. I spent a lot of time secretly crushing really hard on people and worrying about being the creepy gay friend, but actually, it’s a whole lot less creepy to be open about stuff, and to take the no so that you can move on to your next hopeless crush. Telling a friend you fancy them doesn’t usually result in their disgust, and it saves the rest of your friends months of in depth analysis (today she touched my elbow WHAT DOES IT MEAN).
Very wise advice
Okay, I am a freshman in high school and I found out that I am lesbian. I need help badly…do I keep this from my parents? Can I like someone who is not gay? I really like this girl (her body is h o t) but she’s definitely not gay. Even if this comment doesn’t make it to the actual post, I’m doing my research and need someone to show me the works. Thank you so much for doing this.