Hello squirrel friends! After a month-long sabbatical, I’m finally back! How exciting for you! And for me! But mostly for you! I’d like to thank the entire Autostraddle team and intern army for filling in and covering the Tuesday Televisionary marvelously in my absence. In fact, they did such a good job, I’m keeping them!
From now on, the Tuesday Televisionary will feature contributions from the whole gang, as well as the return of The Carlytron Television Awards! But first, some news.
The Television Critics Association summer 2009 press tour just ended, and there were tonnnnzzz of things that happened, far too many to talk about, so you can read a best/worst wrap-up here and see what Michael Ausiello at EW had to say about, well, everything!
Um, what else? True Blood got renewed for a third season, that’s really important because I finally got caught up on this show and it has totally blown my mind. You know what? Eff the news, we have so much to recap here! SO! MUCH!
And now…
The Autostraddle TV Awards For the Week Ending August 9, 2009
The ‘Get Off My Lawn’ Award: The 2009 Teen Choice Awards
(by Robin)
Although I haven’t been an actual teen in over 9 years, I sat down tonight to watch the Teen Choice Awards hosted by those lovable curly-haired virgins, The Jonas Brothers. Back in the day we had teen actors and we had teen singers; now the lines are blurred and teen stars are brands, marketed in every way possible, through television, film, music, and acne prevention ads.
At most awards shows, the presenters give out some sort of statuette to mark their merits. It’s usually gold-ish and about a foot tall. At Teen Choice, since its inception, adult and child winners alike awkwardly accept life-size surf boards as a reward. Why a surf board, you ask? Probs because Teen Choice is a Los Angeles based show (LA being the land of sun and surf and the puppy mill of teen stardom). Crowd favorites tonight included The Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, and the stars of that series I’ve never seen, Twilight.
Highlights:
- Glee won some things!
- Miley performed and I was impressed. She even worked the pole, gasp, with her dad in the audience! Awwwwwkward.
- Miley gave our girl Britney Spears some Ultimate Teen Choice love and although Brit’s not the most eloquent public speaker, bitch looked fierce. [“Except that weave. Christ.” – Carlytron]
- Speaking of fierce, the Choice Fab-U-lous Award was given to Miss J who strutted up to the mic dramatically, gave FACE, and proudly thanked all of the gay, lesbian and transgendered kids for their votes. She declared the award “makes all of you as fierce as me.”
- The silly ongoing “Dare The Jonas Brothers” game had them getting their hair did and getting fake tattooed by Miss Kat Von D herself who forgot to bring her top to the show.
- The Black Eyed Peas did some crowd surfing (no, literally, they were suspended in the air on surf boards) but didn’t bring it as expected. Although I was happy to hear them thanking Auto-Tune in their acceptance speech for Choice Hip Hop track. Everyone thanks God, but Auto-Tune rarely gets any credit. Jay-Z would have hated this shit.
- Megan Fox won some Choice Hottie Award with Robert Pattinson, but had little to say except for her usual self-deprecating nonsense. I think Megan Fox needs a hug and a better mother.
- [“I think we’re overlooking the sheer lunacy of Kathy Griffin going to the Teen Choice Awards with Levi Johnston. She has really outdone herself this time… apparently they’re dating!? Genius!” – Carlytron]
In conclusion, I want all these kids to stop growing up so fast and spend a few more years running through the sprinklers in their backyards wearing capes and goggles, like myself and I would imagine Carlytron did until about age 16. [“Your assumption is correct.” – Carlytron] What I’m saying is, enjoy your youth and your giant surf boards while you can!
Here’s a full list of Teen Choice Award winners.
The Award For A Reality Show Awarding My Favorite Contestant With The Title: So You Think You Can Dance (Finale!)
(by Carlytron)
You know, it’s so rare that this happens. For weeks now my favorite contestant on So You Think You Can Dance has been Jeanine. She’s so great, right? I totally love her. And once they eliminated Kupono, I knew that it had to be Jeanine. I mean, the other girls were all amazing, and Brandon and Ade. But not Evan. My mom liked Evan a lot. I didn’t really get it. Evan looks like Droopy, right? I don’t think he should’ve been in the final four, but this is about finding America’s favorite dancer, not America’s best dancer (blah blah blah) so whatever, I was just worried he’d win but he didn’t and I was really happy. The next season starts in a month instead of in a year so GET READY FOR MORE… very soon.
The Award For The Only Thing on TV Grosser Than True Blood This Week: Weeds (Episode 509: Suck n’ Spit)
(by Carlytron)
I’m revoking Weeds‘ special award from now on. It’s good, but it’s not the most fabulous show in the land. Probably the most ridiculous, though. And somehow, I think this episode was grosser than this week’s True Blood, but more on that later. To be honest, I didn’t really love this episode. Andy and Nancy were playing house, and were like, suuuuper gross. I’m not even going to get into it (sidenote: I originally wrote “tit” not “it,” which I think is rather apt in this case). Shane got a … yeast infection and Celia started a pyramid scheme which led to this exchange:
The pink-clad girl who hit on Isabel last time: “I play softball.”
Carlytron & Celia: “Of course you do”
Speaking of lesbians, the You’re Pretty! lady is a dyke too! Obvs Showtime is trying to move up GLAAD’s Network Responsiblity Index and beat out HBO next year, which: good luck. Has Showtime even seen True Blood? Probs not. Anyway, Esteban proposes to Nancy (yet again) after a visit from Pilar and while they’re arguing outside, someone shoots at one/both/either/whatever of them and hits… wait for it… SHANE instead. In the shoulder, it seems, so he’s fine. BUT STILL. I don’t know why anything surprises me on this show anymore, to be honest.
The OMG I’m Going To Have A Panic Attack Award: Nurse Jackie (Episode 109: Nosebleed)
109 – Noseb
(by Carlytron)
I bet you thought this was going to be about Obsessed, didn’t you? Please. I’m so behind on that show that I’d need a bottle of Xanax to even attempt to get through it all in one sitting. No, this award is for Nurse Jackie. First of all, this is easily the strongest show on tv right now. I’m gonna go ahead and say that. Second, Jackie is making me insane! I find myself yelling at the tv while watching the show. Girl is unraveling, I can’t even deal.
Jackie does some shaaady things this week: rips a page out of Zoe’s journal that contained some incriminating Jackie quotes, snorts whatever pill in the hospital chapel, screams at Coop, tells O’Hara off (oh hell no!) and falsifies a patient’s donor card and time of death. Girl! Is you crazy? Also she’s now getting nosebleeds from all the snorting and like, duh Jackie. She also tells poor little Grace — who has another breakdown because she is hurting and carrying the weight, impossibly, of Jackie’s decisions — that they should take dance lessons together. That’s good, actually, because dance solves everything (see also: West Side Story, Footloose, Center Stage). Also this week: Akalitus grows a heart but loses the baby (she totally tells the parents the baby DIED and then is like, “Oh, jk!” which is amazing) and Zoe continues to awesomely steal every single scene she is in (along with my heart, in the process).
Next: True Blood, the gayest non-vampire thing on TV all week, and the hot girl of the week award.
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I’m really digging this new format! Go team! Great post Carlytron… way to tie it together, way to be a TV junkie head, way to be adorable and way to make a comeback. We missed you!
“I think Megan Fox needs a hug and a better mother.” = i laughed so loud i woke up my roommate.
MISSED YOUUUUUU
ME TOOOOOO!
You make a fierce caped-crusader.
thank you ladies. i missed everyone!
::::::hugs carly:::::
holy crap that heart-eating scene in true blood was disgusting. that’s not even an appropriate way to eat berry cobbler, i don’t care HOW delicious it is.
and lorena’s whole desperate, flailing humiliation really broke my heart. i don’t care about sookie.
and laneia – i love j. stackhouse more each week! it’s made me google ryan kwanten and everything. how is it they found some actors that are amazing at accents, and others that couldn’t carry one in a bucket? i’m looking at you, paquin.
And you, Bill Compton.
oh christ I didn’t even really watch the heart eating bit, although that was mostly because I was skipping the MaryAnn bits because she’s so annoying, but second time round I almost vommed.
Totally loved Jason this episode, and Sookie’s ‘Do not touch him’ bit was fucking brilliant!
sookie’s random outbursts are always amazing, but her accent (and bill’s, and tara’s) are just awful. does up the camp value, though.
zomg the terrible accents drive me CRAZY! and the way she has to contort her little mouth to achieve the terrible accent is equally annoying. honestly, how hard would it have been to just cast someone who’s actually from the south?! we’re out there! i promise! do other ppl get this aggravated about awful fake accents? this is a very touchy subject for me.
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um, but yeah, ryan kwanten’s accent is spot-fucking-on. you know who else has an amazing southern drawl? josh lucas in sweet home alabama. when i found out he wasn’t born below the mason-dixon, i was forced to reevaluate life as i knew it.
I got into True Blood because of you guys and I have to say THANKS!! I really like the show. It is so throwed.
-JASON STACKHOUSE is my favorite. At first I was like what purpose does his character serve, besides the dumb eye candy. But as time progresses it doesn’t matter because he is awesome. “White suite motherf*cker!”
-More Lafayette
-More Eggs for personal, physical reasons
-Jessica & Hoyt FTW!! Sux being a virgin for life, or lifetimes in this case.
more lafayette! more lafayette!
YES! i felt the same way about jason’s character at first! he and jessica have evolved into 2 of the most watchable people on the show.
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“More Lafayette” — from your lips to alan ball’s sweet, psychotic ears.
agreed! i used to think both jason and jessica were uber-annoying and now they are faves.
As a matter of fact all the secondary characters are more entertaining. Lafayette, jason, and jessica! Even Hoyt.
Bill is boring.
Eric is boring.
Godricks is boring(so far).
Sookie is annoying.
Lorena is pathetic.
The preacher is psychotic.
The preacher’s wife is delusional.
Nurse Jackie is the best and, yes, she is making me nervous. Anna Deveare Smith is amazing as Akalitus and I screamed when she told the parents that the baby died! Screamed and then loved her more.
im sad we’ll have to wait an entire year to see how many emmy noms this show is going to get.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the new Tuesday Televisionary graphic has been Carlytron’s dream graphic since maybe 6 years of age. amirite? [also i love it obvsss]
yes it made my heart go pitter-patter. thanks alex!! caped and goggled little carly would have been thrilled.
Defying Gravity = downloading on my iTunes right now. Excellent choices for Hot Girls of the Week, Lola. Daisy was my favorite on DLM (besides Ellen Muth, obvs) and I definitely showed my mom pics of Laura Harris when we were planning my #alternativelifestylehaircut. I continue to be the loser of tv as mine hasn’t even been turned on since sometime early last week. And when it was on I was watching my Veronica Mars dvds.
does anyone have a link to watch the new ep of ABDC in Canada?
Laneia, I have met Tootie and might I say, I wish I hadn’t. I was floored by her, as well as her mother’s lack of a spine.
you have to tell me so, so much more about this OMG!
“Are you watching T&T? Did you happen to meet Tootie from a previous episode? If you missed Tootie, I feel so sorry for you!”
Oh no, I think I have totally mislead you. I just meant I saw it, I have not and will never meet her in person. You wanna know why? I don’t wanna go to jail for beating on a child half my age. They don’t take to child beaters well in the joint–unless of course they saw the ep, then they’d have my back.
She is quite a character though. Future miss Carrie Prejean perhaps?
oh! whew! ok, b/c i couldn’t imagine why/how on earth you’d find yourself in the company of a 9 yr old beauty queen from mississippi.
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how awesome was it when she explained how a race between herself and Tootie would end? that was probably my favorite part.
multiple personality disorder, or bipolar with a touch of schizoid. Thats my diagnosis.
I *finally* got around to watching last week’s Nurse Jackie. This show is starting to stress me out so much. Like. Everything she did in the episode made me super nervous. And then the scenes for the next ep. Shit’s getting intense.
Oh man. I just watched Intervention, and realized that the addict (Joey) did my second tattoo. When he’s running away, the hoodie he’s wearing is from Angry Moon — the best parlor in South Side Pittsburgh. (It’s also the only one open on Sunday, which suited my impulsive decision.)
okay… Jessica’s hymen growing back…sad :(