This post is sponsored by Eve’s Toys.
Sometimes Valentine’s Day is a patriarchal capitalist scam full of vomit-inducing pink and white and red and weird candy and hearts for no reason and sometimes you just want to eat some candy hearts and buy balloons and make out and unironically get into it. We’re here, we’re queer, we deserve it, right?
Visit Eve’s Toys and enter code AUTO at checkout for 50% off 1 item & free shipping on orders over $20 in the US. (Note: Some items are only eligible for free shipping and a partial discount. These items are marked with an asterisk, with the discount noted beneath.) 100% satisfaction guarantee.
The We-Vibe Tango*
The We-Vibe Tango is the rumbliest bullet vibrator out there, period. It’s made of hard plastic, has a lipstick shape that’s perfect for targeted sensation, and rechargeable with a battery life of, in Autostraddle’s experience, about an hour.
Looking for a cheaper option or not sure if a bullet vibrator will be a good fit for you? The Adam & Eve Love Bullet is tiny and $9.95. It’s not rumbly or powerful like the We-Vibe Tango, but it’s a great option if you’re looking for something to fit into the pocket inside a harness or to carry with you on the go.
(Eligible for a 5% discount plus free shipping.)
The Satisfyer Penguin Pro*
The Satisfyer Penguin Pro is an air-pressure-based toy that uses suction and light vibration to feel like it’s sucking your clit. Because it’s so targeted, it’s easy to combine with penetrative toys, fingers, or a partner’s body parts. Plus it looks like a dapper butch penguin. What’s not to like?
(Eligible for a 10% discount plus free shipping.)
The Pure Enrichment Peak Wand
The Pure Enrichment Peak Wand is a light wand-style vibrator. It’s rechargeable with a battery life of up to two hours, waterproof so it’s easy to clean or take into the shower, and has seven vibration settings and a flexible head. It also comes with a velvet storage bag.
Radiant Gem Anal Plugs
Radiant Gem Anal Plugs are a perfect pair for butt plug beginners. The smaller plug is 4″ in insertable length and .88″ in diameter, and the larger plug is 5″ in insertable length and 1.6″ in diameter. Make sure to warm up with your favorite foreplay, go slow, and use tons of lube — try Uberlube* (weirdly also a great hair gel and bike lubricant), or a thick water-based lube.
(Uberlube is eligible for a 30% discount plus free shipping.)
Crystal Kegel Eggs*
These Crystal Kegel Eggs are a set of clear glass kegel eggs with pink swirls to help tone the pelvic floor. They’re 1.75″ long by 1″ wide, weigh 3.4 oz, and can be gently warmed or cooled in running water for a touch of temperature play. Wear them during masturbation, around the house, or even out in public.
(Eligible for a 20% discount plus free shipping.)
Scarlet Couture Bondage Cuffs
Try these Scarlet Couture Bondage Cuffs to restrain your girlfriend’s wrists or ankles (or one of each!) with black and red vegan leather. They’re super adjustable with Velcro strips so you don’t have to worry about losing the keys, and clip to each other with a secure D ring. Looking for something more versatile? Bondage tape is single-use tape that sticks only to itself and that’s easy to use as cuffs, a gag, a blindfold, or for more involved body restraint.
The Scarlet Diamond Whip
The Scarlet Diamond Whip is a red and black vegan leather flogger with 14-inches-long falls and a 6-inch-long woven black and red diamond handle with a loop for your wrist or for display. The weight of the vegan leather, the narrowness of the falls, and the number of falls make this flogger a little stingier than thuddier. For other impact toys that scream “I’m really into Valentine’s Day,” the Impressions Heart Crop is a vegan leather crop with a heart cutout; while the Impressions Heart Slapper is a flexible, light, hand-stitched leather slapper with three mini hearts.
Chain Me Up Kink Clamps
The Chain Me Up Kink Clamps are a set of adjustable clamps connected by lengths of steel chain. The three clamps — two for nipples, one for genitals — are adjustable, to fit lots of sensation preferences, and rubber-tipped, so any marks you leave are intentional.
The Liberator Heart Wedge*
The Liberator Heart Wedge is sex furniture meant to make getting and staying into positions a lot easier. Try it under your butt for lower back support, under your stomach for easier doggy-style positioning, or in any way that feels good to you and your partners’ bodies. (It’s also weirdly great for reading in bed.) The washable velvety red microfiber cover keeps it from sliding around, and a waterproof liner keeps the sturdy foam core dry no matter how wet you get.
(Eligible for a 10% discount plus free shipping.)
Suntouched Massage Candles
Suntouched Massage Candles are scented candles, massage oil, and moisturizer all in one. Ignite one, and it melts from a solid candle at a lower burn temperature than a wax candle into massage oil composed of eight natural oils with vitamin E and a gentle fragrance. It also comes in a decorative tin to keep everything tidy. Light up and get down.
Visit Eve’s Toys and enter code AUTO at checkout for 50% off 1 item & free shipping on orders over $20 in the US. (Note: Some items are only eligible for free shipping and a partial discount. These items are marked with an asterisk, with the discount noted beneath.) 100% satisfaction guarantee.
OK, is this just me or is the evestoys.com store not reachable at the moment? Are you queers all just now shopping for Valentine’s Day and have crashed the server? No? Just me?
Also, disclaimer: slightly drunk but when if not in a slightly-drunk state is the best state to shop online for Valentine’s Day?
It’s working for me!
Worked for me too, as this babe deserves a Liberator Wedge, and she’s gonna get it. (Me! I’m gonna get it!)
If by hotter lesbian sex you mean, alone, probably inebriated, probably in tears, and using a toy then yeah I can believe it.
Bless you, anon.
BLESS
also i bought a satisfyer finally
yesssssssss
Just heads up to anyone outside of the US – after I ordered from the site, I got an email asking for my driver’s license in order to verify my address (not a standard procedure as far as I’m aware), so I asked to cancel the order.
Still waiting on that refund though :|