Ali has sought out the personal trainer that she saw in the park earlier, and is interested in working with him because she wants to “change her body.” Specifically, she wants sculpted arms, a little waist, and a bigger ass. Also to feel rooted, like a tree trunk.
I sort of feel like meeting a strange man in a park, for whom you have no references or information other than that you’ve seen him in the park before, isn’t a great move, but then again I basically only leave my house twice a week for groceries and 90% of my human interaction comes through gchat so maybe I’m just not the best judge of these things.
Over on the set of Cheaters, Sarah and Tammy are sizing up the house from the driveway. Also, I know I already said that terrible decisions are the point and I get that, but this is a terrible decision on so many levels. Sarah really doesn’t have a better plan than having sex with her ex-girlfriend in her parents’ house? I hated having sex in my parents’ house even when I lived in it because I was seventeen. You’re a grown-ass woman! Get a hotel room! They’re great, they have cable!
Sarah and Tammy are committed, though, and go inside the living room. Tammy slaps a beam, leans up against it and exclaims “The bones on this baby!” Someone give Tammy a show on HGTV; I would record it every week. They talk about the future of the house, and Tammy sort of makes a face at the mention of Len Marino’s name, because apparently she’s forgotten in the last ten minutes that she met Sarah at a DAYCARE because she has kids with a dude. Also Tammy, you’re married too? Let’s dial back the pearl-clutching.
Sarah sort of poses coquettishly up against the wall and talks about “jumping all over” the house, but guys, get this — I DON’T THINK SHE’S REALLY TALKING ABOUT THE HOUSE. I’m not going to recap the innuendo-laden conversation that follows because seriously, it reminds me of Angel/Spike fanfic written by a thirteen year old. (I tried really hard here to think of a funny line that could have come from an Angel/Spike fanfic but it took me to a place inside myself that I now regret even knowing about and so I’m going to back off this one for now.) Anyhow all you need to know is that the tipping point was Sarah saying the word “pupusas.” A white middle-aged suburban mom saying the word “pupusas” was the spark that ultimately set this torrid affair aflame in the living room of her childhood home. This show is making me feel great about my life choices and honestly that’s really hard to do.
Across town in the land of lost boys, Josh and the Finnish milkmaid are having sex. They keep asking each other “what?” which seems like it might be a sort of “who’s on first?” bit until he stops to say “I love you.” We have been given no indication that this character does in fact feel love towards this woman, or maybe at all, or possibly even knows what the word means. The Finnish milkmaid responds pretty appropriately with “You are a such a loser. Do not say that.” Guys I think we found out where Regina George ended up as an adult. Josh recovers fairly quickly and instead brings up — and may I remind you they’re still mid-sex, sex is I think still being had — that he has a song he wants this girl and her creepy flaxen-haired sister to cover. “That’s what you’re thinking right now?” she asks. Yes, yes it is.
It turns out that the song he wants them to cover, while lounging in the grass looking like a Free People catalog, is the same one that he and Ali bonded over back at the family house: it’s “Operator,” by Jim Croce. I want to be snide about it but actually I always cry when this song comes on the radio. (It has a super gay plotline, now that I think about it: your ex is now dating your former best friend, and you want to call them just to let them know that you’re TOTALLY FINE YOU’RE COOL WITH IT but then give up and don’t make the call at all because you’re too sad. Sound familiar?) I think this is maybe supposed to cue us that Josh feels human emotions, but mostly it makes me think about Maura deciding at the last minute not to come out to her kids: “Operator, let’s forget about this call/there’s no one there I really wanted to talk to.”
Speaking of Ali, she’s still working with Derek the personal trainer, whose biceps have literally the same circumference as my head. She tells him she can’t do any more pushups while lying in the grass, and as a motivator he slaps her ass, which is SUPER inappropriate for about twenty-seven different reasons, but Ali seems into it, so. Also “Operator” is still being played in the background, and my emotions are really all over the map here.
In the living room of suburban extramarital sex and pupusas, Tammy is doing that thing high school boys do where they sort of squeeze your whole breast like a stress ball, and her wedding ring is prominently visible. Quelle scandalous.
It looks like we’re maybe about to end the episode with a fadeout of a questionable-choices montage: Josh is angsting as he watches his harem of mannequin-ish looking blond girls play music, Ali is grinding out some pushups for Derek, Sarah is gently massaging the back of Tammy’s throat with her tongue. But we’re not: the music stops abruptly, and Sarah and Tammy look up to find Maura wearing an unmistakably feminine outfit. “Hi girls,” Maura says, which is honestly the best possible scenario for what a parent could say in this situation.
And that’s where we leave off! It seems clear that Maura is now effectively outed against her wishes, and also that Sarah is outed at least to Maura as cheating on her husband. Will this information be shared with the rest of the family? Will any of the kids get their shit together and act like they love the person who raised them? Will Josh, with any luck, witness a mob hit and have to leave to join WitSec? I don’t know, but I sure do hope that the next episode lets us see a little bit about Maura and her life as separate from her kids.
