Dear squirrel friends, our Televisionary Carlytron is riding the waves of foreign locales, so we are attempting to produce her weekly Televisionary awesomeness without her. However we collectively seem to not consume nearly as much television as Carly, but we’re going to try!

Here’s what you need to know: Fred Willard (you know him from the Chirstopher Guest movies that made you fall in love with Jane Lynch) will guest-star on Modern Family (should be hilarious), mega-hottie Jennifer Morrison has left House (glad I stopped watching ages ago), and CW’s The Beautiful Life may not be dead after all (we’re rooting for you, Mischa!)

Without further adieu…

The Team Autostraddle Television Awards for the Week Ending 11/14/09!

The Riese Prefers The Erotic Novel Thanks Award – Gossip Girl

Episodes 309 – They Shoot Humphreys, Don’t They? & 310 – The Last Days of Disco Stick aka THE THREESOME EPISODE
(by Riese)

I stopped watching Gossip Girl a few eps in to Season One. I’d read all the books and therefore was physically incapable of digesting the unnecessary adjustments made for the TV show without constantly screaming at my teevee. See; most books need work to transition to TV, but Gossip Girl did not. Everything about the book was begging the television to cast & outfit & produce it, from Blair’s gay dad and bulimia problem to Chuck’s bisexuality to Blair & Serena’s oft-alluded-to lesbionic hot tub romp back in early high school to Nate’s dopey relationship with Jenny because he wanted to touch her D-cup breasts to Vanessa’s fifteen minutes of riot-grrrl-poet fame. CHUCK BASS WAS BISEXUAL and it made perfect, perfect sense. Also we’re missing this Rastafarian dude Aaron who moved in to Blair’s apartment or something, can I get a witness? Anyone else read books? Okay. Moving on.

At least Blair & Serena got to make out in Rolling Stone with the ice cream that one time, b/c I like girls, and also I like ice cream. So perfect, like Betty Crocker ejected it from her lesbionic vadgeblaster.

But b/c there was a promise of girl-on-girl action and the theme of this week in life seems to be “threesomes,” I returned to the xoxo action for episodes 309 and 310. Also for LADY GAGA. OK really ’cause I was on JetBlue and I couldn’t seem to read or write so I turned on the TV and thought, oh this must be the threesome & the Lady Gaga guest spot I’ve been reading about, since I prefer to read about media instead of actually consuming it. Then I had to catch up on 309 in order to write this because Carlytron is in a debatabley tropical locale and unable to do it herself.

Carly has the following feeling about the menage between Vanessa, Dan, and “Olivia”:

I have a few thoughts re: gossip girl threesome, and those thoughts are: of all the people on the show why could this not have included Blair or Serena or Chuck or Nate? But instead we get Vanessa and Dan? Ew. Bonus points for including Lizzie McGuire though.

OK SO. Book Vanessa was raised by artists in Vermont and lived in a Williamsburg loft with her rocker-chick sister Ruby over a Spanish bodega. Vanessa “shaved her own head with electric clippers” and “bargain hunted for logo-free jeans and T-shirts, which were always entirely black and entirely unfeminine.” She edited the lit mag, scowled all the time and was aggressively alt-culture. Basically Vanessa was Ani DiFranco, and Book Dan was like Mini Bob Dylan, so basically we had an Ani-Bob Dylan-Lizzie MacGuire threesome which was fine with me. I was excited and then confused when instead of showing me naked girls making out, I instead had to look at an envelope addressed to the mom from The O.C..

Where was the f*cking? Did they f*ck? Did everyone take off all their clothes? What do those girls look like without their clothes on? There was more action in the flashbacks, but since we’re back to 310 now, WHY IS BLAIR TALKING WHILE LADY GAGA IS SINGING YOU CANNOT TALK IN CHURCH. [Did anyone else feel like she said “Bass Romance” instead of “Bad Romance”?]

Although my threesome experiences have generally led to Reckoning Time for my homosexual tendencies, Gossip Girl is the real hetero world, where instead the threesome was Reckoning time for Dan’s feelings for Vanessa and The Duff’s feelings for having other shit to do, like singing more amazing songs and making t-shirts for Crystal to wear. Sidenote:

+

Not Enough!

Also does Chuck Bass talk like that in every episode? Amazing. Serena needs to return that gigantic necklace before it comes to life and strangles her to death. Nate is hot, Blair is hot, Jenny Humphrey looks like a Lindsay Lohan Prequel, Blair & Serena should’ve made out in the elevator like Bette and Tina, Vanessa needs to shave her head it’s out of control, AND LADY GAGA DOESN’T WANNA BE FRIENDS.

Evil Hot Aliens Everywhere Award – V

Episode 102 – There’s No Normal Anymore
(by Intern Daphne)

As you may or may not know I’m a big SciFi geek. I like aliens, especially if they’re as hot as Laura Vandervoort (Lisa) or Morena Baccarin (Anna).

The resistance against the Visitors is building. It seems that Erica is going to be the Hero Cop but she is not able to keep her teen son Tyler away from the Visitors. It seems like the Visitors try to get into Tyler’s pants head using their hotness. Here’s an example:

Tyler: “Wow, you Spacegirls are fun.”

They’re evil, they’re everywhere, don’t trust anyone. But the good news is there are good Aliens and also crazy stubborn news anchors. People enough to piss off the Visitors. O and leaders of the earth: really?!! You fall for that obv alien bullsh*t that fast?! O and hey writers: slow down! Too many character developments and plots going on. All by all not a bad episode, I just hope they slow it down a bit. But what’s not to like about evil hot Aliens?

Emily’s Special Comment: Grey’s Anatomy

Episode 609 – New History
(by Intern Emily)

NEWS FLASH: There was no gay in last week’s Grey’s Anatomy! Now that you’ve stopped reading, I’ll give you a brief overview of what happened.

Izzie came back and there is a new cardio doctor who served with Hunt in Iraq. The chief’s wife thinks that the chief is having an affair with Bailey, ha ha ha ha. Then we find out he screwed up a surgery big time and so he decides to hand over his patients to Bailey so that he doesn’t screw up again. At the end of the episode he is in a bar drinking and there are voiceover flashbacks that indicate he’s probs going to become an alcoholic again or something. Other things happened, like Izzie and Alex fought (verbally), Meredith had her first day back, and Cristina and Owen made out. Without lesbian action or inaction, what we have here is Season Six of a mediocre hospital drama. Raise your hand if you care. Okay then!

The Love Sucks Award – How I Met Your Mother

Episode 7 – Rough Patch
(by Sarah)

This episode made my skin crawl kind of, because Neil Patrick Harris spent the whole time in a fat suit. And they made Cobie Smulders look really, really unhot. Basically, they both let themselves go after being in a relationship. Of course their friends were just as disturbed by the transformation as I was. Eventually, they call upon Lily’s superhuman breakup skills, and Alan Thicke makes a cameo.

I’ve always been a big BarRobin shipper, so I was surprised that I was happy about their breakup. Turns out the show just isn’t the same without Barney’s womanizing!

The Adorable Accents Award – The Office

Episode 610 – Murder
(by Sarah)

Everyone in the office is worried because of rumors that Dunder-Mifflin is bankrupt. Michael decides they all need a little distraction and pulls out a murder mystery game. It’s a perfect Michael idea, and it also gives everyone a chance to have a southern accent. I love accents, so obvs I was very down. I loved Andy doing his best Savannah/molasses drawl, and Oscar’s failed attempt was worth rewinding and watching again.

Who else loves Erin? Her facial expressions and deadpan delivery are spot on. When will Andy finally make a real move on her?! Soon, I hope.

Jim is annoying me this season. I love the guy, but he’s turned into kind of a schmuck now that he’s a manager. I know he’s trying to be professional and all, but in this episode at least, Michael has a much better idea of what the office needs.

And finally, I wish every episode ended with a finger gun stand off.

The Gayest Moment on TV This Week Award – The Gay Cruise Channel

(by Riese)

Although my television-watching habits are fairly low-key in general (Law & Order, more Law & Order, Intervention, The Office, Rachel Maddow, The Daily Show, annnnnd we’re done), they were especially limited this week while on board the Sweet Cruise to the Caribbean because we got like ten channels and most of them were about shore excursions, the benefits of duty-free shopping on board, and weather maps.

However, as I’ve only actually been on gay cruises — three Rosie cruises before this one — I’m VERY FAMILIAR with the SPECIAL GAY CRUISE CHANNEL. I think companies hosting cruises can select their own content, and this content is let me tell you REALLY GAY and promotes the GAY AGENDA, with replays of Loving Annabelle as well as  a bunch of gay shows featuring performers from the cruise. My last two Rosie cruises enabled me to see every Big Gay Sketch Show ever (and again on this cruise!)! Furthermore, on the Sweet Cruise I caught pieces of a Sweet Adventures of Nat & Meg Marathon, the end of an episode of 3Way which was really weird, and that show Cherry Bomb where the ladies talk about THE SEX while having cocktails. Gloria Bigelow is on that show, she did stand-up on the boat and was F*CKING HILARIOUS. Also Nat (of aforementioned Nat & Meg) is awesome IRL; sidenote.

So that was pretty fucking gay you guys, you should take a cruise an experience it yourself.

The Matching Outfits Award – 30 Rock

Episode 405 – The Problem Solvers
(by Intern Rachel)

If you’ve always felt like the only thing missing from 30 Rock was matching outfits for Tracy and Jenna, then this episode was for you! Basically, Liz and Jack get into a fight this week, and end up setting a sleeve on fire and having tea with Padma Lakshmi respectively. There was a lot of debate in the room about Padma’s acting, but she is definitely nicer to look at than Alec Baldwin, so. Somehow this resolved into a Jack-and-Liz-running-towards-each-other-with-arms-outstretched reunion scene which made me dizzy because the camera spun so much, so I guess good job guys! Danny, the new cast member, can’t say “about” right, and also isn’t really named Danny, Kenneth is like a serial killer for like ten seconds and it’s terrifying, and did I mention Tracy and Jenna have matching t-shirts? Because I’m really still not over it.

The Hot Girl of the Week Award

(by Intern Lola)
Ever since she played the lovable teenage prostitute Shelby on the family show Higher Ground a decade ago, A.J. Cook has been on my radar. Yet another Canadian pick, you may have also seen her as Eliza Dushku’s BFF on the short-lived series Tru Calling or sharing major lesbian subtext with George on an episode of Dead Like Me. These days, you’ll find her playing FBI Agent Jennifer “JJ” Jareau on CBS’s Criminal Minds – a.k.a. my favorite show on television.

OK, it should surprise no one that my chief reason for watching any TV show is “hot girls”. (My ADD must be fed eye candy if I’m expected to sit still for an hour.) My second concern is quality writing. Criminal Minds has both. I know putting “hot girls” first is superficial, but this show is so dark and twisted, you need a little distraction when watching. This week, while hunting down the grisliest serial killers imaginable, we got to watch JJ transform into a total badass. I kept thinking “Noooo! What are you doing?!” as she entered a creepy house (that completely fit their FBI profile) by herself, and proceeded to get hit on the head with a shovel. But it’s OK guys, it was all worth it! She freaking pistol-whipped a bitch! And that is why A.J. Cook wins Hot Girl of the Week.

Honorable Mentions

So You Think You Can Dance: (by Intern Rachel) Aside from the crazy-intense-and-also-pretty-problematic “tribal” dance at the beginning, the big news is that there are officially no more tappers on SYTYCD! Peter was eliminated, along with Pauline. (Although, as Carly asked last week, is anyone really surprised/upset?) Karen is still in it, and she is very pretty.
Community: (by Intern Lola) Jeff and Annie kissed this week, which was really weird and awkward. Abed was awesome, as usual, and can (maybe) predict the future through his student films. (The student film version of Troy = AWESOME!)
Parks and Recreation: (by Sarah) The City Council orders each department to come up with an idea for a new mural. Each person in the Parks Department comes up with their own idea, and then of course get in a fight over who’s is better. I loved April’s horribly dark interpretation of modern art, and Tom actually has an emotional response to his. In the end, everyone comes together as a team, and it’s pretty cute.

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