The trailer for the second season of The Ultimatum: Queer Love — every lesbian’s favorite messy dating show — just dropped, and oooooooh boy are we going to get some good gay drama from a group of unwell people once again!
As we already reported, unfortunately, JoAnna Garcia Swisher is back as the show’s inexplicably heterosexual host. Does anyone know why there can’t be a queer host? Are they worried a contestant will fall in love with her? I say, let it happen! Imagine just how good of television THAT would be.
The trailer reiterates the series premise: Six queer couples arrive with one member of the couple being ready for marriage and the other not. They participate in a grand social experiment where they all essentially speed-date each other and then select someone to live with for three weeks as part of a trial marriage. Then they live with their originals partners for another trial marriage. Almost no one will mention polyamory. Then they reconvene and decide if they want to stay with and marry their original partner, be with this new person, or a secret third thing (walk into the abyss solo and single and perhaps ready to admit they should have gone to therapy instead of onto reality television).
And the rest of us lap it all up, because this is peak reality dating television, baby! Give The Ultimatum: Queer Love 29 seasons like The Bachelor!
The trailer also depicts the universal 8 Stages of Lesbian Dating and Processing™.
Ahem, let me break down the stages for you.
Stage One: Flirting
This might entail some whispering, soft gay touches, glances across a room, a touch of yearning.
Stage Two: Pottery Date
Are you really a queer couple if you’ve never been on a pottery date? Think about it.
Stage Three: Awkward Dinner Party
This is where you introduce all your friends to the new girl you’re seeing and tell them how in love you are, and they all quietly eat their tofu scramble while thinking “didn’t she tell us she was so in love with the last girl like six months ago?” There should be at least one straight person at the dinner party. Why? Nobody knows.
Stage Four: Booty Grab
You’re in love! You’re grabbing butts! What could possibly go wrong!
(I got really excited thinking this was possibly two people during The Experiment, but it’s one of the original couples. I want people to get friskier during The Experiment!)
Stage Five: Heated Conversation on Bed
Oh no, let the emotional processing begin!
Stage Six: Crying Conversation on Bed
There are soooo many ways to process lesbianly in bed.
Stage Seven: Holding Your Face Because You’ve Reached Processing Overload
A beachside balcony, as The Ultimatum: Queer Love Season 2 demonstrates, is an ideal setting for this stage.
Stage Eight: Kiss and Makeup
And then go back to stage one to begin the cycle all over again!!!!!!!!!!
The Ultimatum: Queer Love will premiere on June 25 with the first few episodes, and additional episode drops will follow weekly. Happy Pride indeed! What do you say, should I bring my recaps back?
Comments
“Holding Your Face Because You’ve Reached Processing Overload”
thank you for articulating this, we aren’t talking about this enough!!!!
literally we need to be talking about this more (and holding our face in our hands about it later)
Kayla you are so QUICK cannot wait for your recaps bc I will not be able to bring myself to watch this.
let’s go lesbians
stop playin, you already know and we already know youre going to be watching AND RECAPPING this
lolol got me
so here for the chaotic alternative timeline where someone falls in love with the queer host
IT WOULD BE SO GOOD!!!!!!!! i’d at least read a fanfic with this premise
I am holding my face in my hands trying to process that you considered NOT recapping the new season.
Oh my god this trailer is so unhinged from the first second… “My biggest fear was that I’d get to a point where I was ready and you’d fall in love with someone else… Now it’s happening!!” OF COURSE IT IS BABYGIRL!!!! WE ALL COULD HAVE TOLD YOU IT WOULD HAPPEN!!!!! AAAAAAAAA
Kayla, pleeeease recap this, this beautiful mess will simply not be as entertaining without your commentary!