Sometimes I can’t tell if TV is amazing or terrible right now. On the one hand, I feel like scripted TV is having somewhat of a Golden Age: we definitely didn’t have so many brilliant high-calibre shows all actively dominating the grid until the last couple of years. We’ve got  Mad Men, True Blood, Lost, and 30 Rock just to name a few.

Cable nets are finally able to compete with the major networks and often deliver higher-quality programming.

TV is the most accessible it’s ever been with the advancement of mobile, on demand, and web platforms.

However, on the other hand, there is more trash on TV now than I’ve ever seen before in my life: shows like Farmer Wants a Wife, Dating In The Dark, Hitched or Ditched, and Jon and Kate Plus 8 have taken “reality programming” to all-time lows (and I really love reality TV, I just think we need to draw a line someplace).

But I am an optimist; I think TV is in a really amazing place now! I used to love films but now I only see a few a year (this is due in part to how obnoxiously expensive it is to see a movie, but also I have been less excited about the film options that I’ve seen lately). I think TV is where it’s at, which is why I love it so much. I work in TV, I watch a ton of TV, I read about TV… and while some of my all-time faves have already come and gone (Newsradio, Buffy, and Arrested Development to name a few), I think our television options are great and diverse.

So now it’s time to give out some awards! These are just my opinions, I’m no expert, so sound off in the comments if you agree/disagree/want to punch me in the face.

The Dearly Departed Award

The show we’ll miss the most this year is The L Word. Despite five years of inconsistencies (and that fact that it was not the way that anyone lived) it was the first show about lesbians, and we will miss having that visibility on teevee three months out of every year (also missed: Carmen’s ass). Hm. Maybe we’ll recap the first few seasons for y’all since we didn’t start up our Recap Factory ’til Season Four…and didn’t really get gooood ’til Season Five…

The Gayest Moment of the Year Award

I had to disqualify all of the awards shows from this (Tonys, AMAs, VMAs) because there were too many uber-gay moments to sift through. So I guess the gayest moment of the year would be the moment Vogue Evolution burst onto our screens on America’s Best Dance Crew this summer. On a show that boasts such bravado, seeing our favorite dancing queens take the stage each week was fun, fabulous and revolutionary.

Best New Show of the Year Award

This was so difficult for me to decide that I decided there would be a tie: both Modern Family and Nurse Jackie are the best new shows of the year.

Worst New Show of the Year Award

Three Rivers. Sorry Shane. Perhaps they figured any ol’ medical drama would succeed, but the organ donation hospital niche was about as special/exciting as Law & Order: Parking Violations Unit. Hopefully next year they’ll set a drama in my dentist’s office and I can throw a table at someone if forced to wait for over three hours.

The Least Surprising Thing That Happened This Year Award

Also not surprising? Ilene Chaiken’s L Word spin-off The Farm wasn’t picked up by Showtime.

Most Improved Show of the Year Award

Obviously I think we can all agree that Parks and Recreation is the most improved show on tv right now. I almost stopped watching it after its lackluster first season, but I’m glad I stuck with it — it’s become one of my favorite shows over the course of the year. I guess we should’ve all known better than to doubt Amy Poehler… sorry girl!

Honorable Mention: Grey’s Anatomy and Ugly Betty (though I’m sure no one will agree with me, both have improved greatly over the course of their current seasons)

The Really, Papi, Really!? Award for
the Worst Storyline of the Year

WHO KILLED JENNY SCHECTER?! And basically all of L Word season 6. What the hell happened there? This was somehow worse than all of the crap we had to endure on Grey’s Anatomy, a feat I considered impossible until I saw the final season of the L Word.

The Guiltiest Pleasure Award

There are so many guilty pleasures on tv these days, what with Jersey Shore and The Hills and everything on the E! network. But I’m still a sucker for The Real Housewives franchise. I love all of them — Jersey, NYC, Atlanta, and the original crew in the OC. They provide us with hours and hours of mindless entertainment year-round, and for that I thank them (and Bravo).

The Too Much of a Good Thing Award

You guys, I srsly love So You Think You Can Dance, but Fox’s decision to air an extra season this fall was a total disaster. The contestants weren’t as strong as previous seasons, no Mia Michaels, and there is already way too much on during the fall to be able to make time for several hours of this show per week.

The Award For the Most Bizarre Ending to an Amazing Series

Battlestar Galactica (bet you thought I was going to say The L Word, eh? The L Word isn’t really “amazing”) definitely wins this award. Half letdown, half confusing as hell… totally bizarro ending to a really fantastic show.

Best Social Commentary on Television Award

This award signals somewhat of a passing of the guard; although Battlestar Galactica has ended, Mad Men continues to thrive. Both of these shows continually delivered stellar writing and acting layered with spot-on social commentary, making them not only enjoyable to watch but some of the best television programming of the decade.

The Award For the Most Gays in a Kitchen

With all of the reality competition shows — specifically the cooking-related reality competition shows — it’s not hard to decide which features the best and most numerous gay castmembers: Top Chef on Bravo. This year we got to meet gaylady chef Ashley Merriman, who managed to charm the aprons off of everyone I know (male, female, gay, straight, otherwise).

The Syndication Awards

The syndication of television shows is a double-edged sword: on the one hand, you can see your favorite shows all the time on random channels; on the other hand, you are subject to seeing shows you hate all the time on random channels. The worst show that is on every channel at every hour is King of Queens (close runner-up: Everybody Loves Raymond); the best show that is on every channel at every hour is the Law and Order franchise.

The Best TV Event or Made-For-TV Movie Award

We should just call this the Revolutionary Costume For Today award, because even though made for tv movies can be sorta crappy, HBO’s Grey Gardens proved itself to not only be a critical success but a fan favorite worthy of Edie waving an American flag around excitedly.

The Liz Lemon Award For the Best New TV Catchphrase We Learned This Year

Generally I speak in 30 Rock-isms, but I’m actually giving this award to “tardy for the party,” a phrase that I’ve picked up from The Real Housewives of Atlanta and the name of Kim Zolciak’s ridiculous song. Hey remember that time she performed it live?

Honorable Mention: “Prostitution whore!” (Real Housewives of NJ), “That’s a dealbreaker ladies!” (30 Rock)

The Best Award Show of the Year

There were so many award shows this year, right? The Grammys, the Oscars, the Golden Globes, the Emmys, the AMAs, the VMAs, the Logo NewNowNext Awards, Bravo’s A List Awards… it’s a lot to follow. But I’d have to say that my favorite award show this year was actually the MTV Video Music Awards, due to the amount of YouTube-able moments (Kanye making Taylor Swift relevant, Gaga thanking God and the gays, all of those amazing performances!).

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Next:
The funniest lady on TV, Maddow, Our favorite talk show, Shark Week, Award Shows that were worth it, the OMFG Award and more…

The Carrying Their Show Award

The funniest lady on tv (arguably) is Kristen Wiig and she’s doing her best to keep Saturday Night Live from sucking (though I have to admit, the past two shows were definitely the best of the season). After the election, after Tina Fey wasn’t Sarah Palin anymore, after SNL wasn’t the most relevant program on tv anymore we were left with a so-so cast led by the amazing Kristen Wiig. She steals every sketch she’s in and keeps the show watchable week in and week out. Can we bump her up to “can do no wrong” status yet?

The Best Place To Get Your News

One word: Maddow. I think we’ve all been pleasantly surprised at how awesome The Rachel Maddow Show continues to be, both despite and because of the fact that Bush isn’t in office anymore. If anyone thought she wouldn’t be able to keep the momentum going post-election, they need look no further than this:

Our Favorite Talk Show Award

This one is really hard… I think it might be a tie? I love Ellen as much as the next lesbian or housewife, but I also really love Chelsea Lately, so I’d be remiss if I didn’t include that here. So, it’s a tie. These two shows are basically polar opposites but they’re both consistently hilarious and fun, so much so that I continue to DVR both daily.

The Baddest Bitch on TV Award

Tabatha Coffey of Tabatha’s Salon Takeover is the baddest bitch on tv, and I mean that in the nicest and most loving way possible. I’m so glad Bravo brought her back for a second season, I can’t get enough of it.

Our Favorite Week Award

SHARK WEEK!

The Award to the Shows That Keep the Music Alive

This award goes to the two networks/programs that are actually deigning to play music videos and band interviews at a time where most networks reserve these types of things for their online catalogs. If you want to see new music videos and band interviews on a television, you have both Fuse and Logo to thank for that. Fuse has lots of music programming, as well as these super-cool Takeovers, wherein an artist “takes over” the programming on the network for an entire day. Then you have Logo, which is probably the only MTV network that actually plays videos anymore, which is startling. Their weekly programs NewNowNext Music and NewNowNext PopLab feature artist interviews and the newest music videos, and The Click List: Top Ten Videos is a weekly countdown featuring up-and-coming queer artists.

Honorable Mention: mtvU (if you’re on a college campus you can watch it on tv!)

The OMFG Award

I only recently got into Mad Men (almost done with season 2!) but I did manage to see a few episodes of season 3. The lawnmower incident of episode 306 was not only the most shocking thing I’ve ever seen on Mad Men, it’s the most shocking thing I’ve seen on most shows. And that includes Buffy dying (both times), Ellen Tigh being the final Cylon, John Doe actually being George (HAHA JK THAT WAS STUPID), that bomb squad dude blowing up on Grey’s, Jackie smashing her finger with a hammer, Shane Botwin killing Pilar with a croquet mallet, and whateverthefuck happened in the Dexter finale this season (jk about that one… that is probs more shocking than the lawnmower but alas I’m only up to episode 105 of Dexter which is a shame because now the entire show is RUINED FOR ME FOREVER).

The Best Guest Star Award

I love a good stunt casting! And there were plenty of good ones this year… Megan Mullally on Parks and Rec, Jennifer Coolidge on Party Down (good god she was funny), Zooey Deschanel on Bones, Evan Rachel Wood on True Blood, everyone who guest-stars on 30 Rock, and Elizabeth Banks and Ed Norton on Modern Family. But I think the best performance this year would be Kristin Chenoweth on Glee! Her character April Rhodes taught the glee kids how to be bad while wearing crazy outfits and singing drunkenly, and who doesn’t love that?

The Best Ensemble Award

This is a tough category, as there are many great ensembles on tv (Mad Men, True Blood, Ugly Betty, the Office, Parks and Rec, etc etc) but personally I can find no weak links in the Nurse Jackie cast. I can never tell which supporting character I like best (Zoey, Dr. O’Hara, Thor, Coop, or our dearly departed Mo-Mo), and unlike most shows with a strong ensemble, I actually adore our lead characters too (not to mention the incredible performance given by Edie Falco, who had better win a goddamn Emmy for this).

The NSFW Award

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is srsly one of the best shows on tv you guys. Its genius is in its simplicity: a bunch of assholes who own a bar get into all sorts of mischief. There, that’s all. They drink, they do drugs, they beat the shit out of each other, they curse (thanks, FX!), they say the most inappropriate things imaginable… and all throughout you not only sympathize with them but somehow relate to them as well. Genius.

Also Danny DeVito is AMAZING.

The Best Dynamic Duo Award

Obvs the best dynamic duo around is Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy. Yes, I am an unabashedly hardcore 30 Rock fan, but I think I’m not alone in this one. It’s been really awesome watching Liz and Jack’s friendship grow over the past few seasons, their interactions are hilarious and feel authentic. And as long as they never ever let them hook up (which I really don’t think they will), we should be good for years to come.

The Best TV Couple Award

I wanted a gay tv couple to win this award, since this is a gay site and all, but it was hard. Do you know why? Because there aren’t any goddamn coupled homos on tv! We really just have like, Bette and Tina, fucking SHENNY, and Calizona. So this award goes to Callie and Arizona on Grey’s Anatomy. They clearly have a more balanced and healthy relationship than any of the other pairings on that show and they are always shown eating food together so you know they are real lesbians. What? We all love food! Real talk.

Honorable Mention: Hoyt + Jessica 4eva (True Blood), Blair and Chuck (Gossip Girl), Barney and Robin (HIMYM, even though they broke up)
Dishonorable Mention: I want to make a point to say that Pam and Jim were not in the running for this because they are ANNOYING now.

The Number One Feeling Award

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching tv this year it’s that everyone is neurotic! That’s news to me! I thought I was the only one! Shows like Hoarders and Obsessed on A&E have really brought anxiety disorders into a mainstream discourse and I can’t tell if it’s a good thing or an exploitative one. Probs both, yeah? Anyway my number one feeling is always anxiety and now TV’s number one feeling is too.

The Please Have Sex Already Award

Hey Autostraddlers! Why don’t S and B just get a room and get it over with already? xoxo, Gossip Squirrel

P.S. If we were on Television Without Pity this would obvs be called the HoYay! Award (“homoeroticism, yay!”).

Honorable Mention: Chuck and Nate (Gossip Girl), Peggy and Joan (Mad Men), Don Draper and Every Dude At Sterling Cooper (Mad Men), Lily and Robin (HIMYM), Adelle and Echo (Dollhouse), Bill and Eric (True Blood)

The Most Squandered Potential Award

For those of you still watching the final episodes of Dollhouse — all 3 of you — you might have noticed that it’s getting REALLY EFFING GOOD. Which is so sad, because maybe if it had gotten this awesome a little sooner Fox might have given it another stay of execution. Oh well. It’s such  a shame, really. It would’ve done so much better on cable.

The Award For the Nicest Show To Look At

Given the stylish threads, meticulously crafted sets, and genetically gifted cast, Mad Men has a totally unfair advantage in this category. And that is totally fine by me.

The Gayest Show on TV Award

The gayest show currently on tv is not Glee. Sorry, but all of the plotlines had to do with pregnancies and straight love triangles. Zzzz. If you want gay tv you need to watch True Blood. And according to Alan Ball, it’s only going to get gayer during this summer’s hotly anticipated third season. Thank gawd.

The Award For Our Favorite Out Actors

These might be the most obvious choices but there’s a reason for that. 2009 was a big year for both Portia de Rossi and Neil Patrick Harris and both completely deserve this award. Both are fierce advocates for equality (that was an Obama joke) and hilarious and adorable and wonderful. NPH hosted both the Tonys and the Emmys this year and somehow lost to Jon Effing Cryer for the Best Supporting Actor award (an indemnity from which I have still not fully recovered). Portia’s show Better Off Ted is hilarious and she appeared on Oprah with Ellen in A Very Special Episode About America’s Favorite Lesbians.

The Best Gay Characters on TV

I had such a hard time deciding which gay/bi/etc tv character to award that I just decided to give it to all of them! Let’s face it, there’s not that many of them. So I’ll just list them all and you tell me if I’ve omitted any.

Callie and Arizona (Grey’s Anatomy), Lafayette and Queen Sophie-Ann (True Blood), Marshall (United States of Tara), Mo-Mo and Thor (Nurse Jackie), Marc (Ugly Betty), Janis Hawk (Flashforward), Kurt (Glee), Remy “Thirteen” Hadley (House), most of the cast of the L Word, Camile Wray (Stargate Universe), most of the guys on Brothers and Sisters, Bree’s gay son Andrew and the gay neighbors on Desperate Housewives.

TV EXECUTIVES, TAKE NOTICE: This list needs to be a lot longer in 2010. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

The Best Show You’re Not Watching Award

Party Down is hands down totes the best show that you are not watching. You’re probably not watching it because it’s on Starz and no one knows what that channel is. It’s from the creator of Veronica Mars (it features many cast alums including guest spots from Kristen Bell, which: yowza) and its first season featured The Lynch Who Can Do No Wrong (and who will be replaced by Megan Mullally on the upcoming second season). Do yourself a favor and get caught up on season one before season two premieres in April.

Honorable Mention: Beautiful People (Logo), Mythbusters (Discovery)

The Most Awesome Character on TV Award

I mean, is there even any contest here?

Sue MF’ing Sylvester is the most awesome tv character this year and all years to come. She handily beat out Barney Stinson, both Blair and Chuck, Lafayette, the entire cast of 30 Rock, Georgina Sparks, the entire cast of Mad Men, Frank Reynolds, your mom, my mom, and Angelica’s two moms for this honor, and still had time to get her track suit dry-cleaned.

The Best Moment of the Year Award

TV is all about great moments; moments that make you cry, moments that make you laugh, moments that shock you, moments that are totally terrible and make you think a trained monkey was writing this crap… so out of all of the great moments of 2009 (Pam and Jim’s wedding, Chuck and Blair finally getting together, Alpha showing up, Alice’s priceless reaction to the monster that was Shenny, the list goes on) I think my favorite moment of 2009 was the premiere of season two of True Blood, wherein audiences were finally relieved to learn that Lafayette wasn’t the one found dead in the back of Andy’s car. Damn you Alan Ball for making us mourn the loss of that much pizazz for the better part of a year!

The Thing We’re Most Excited About in 2010 Award

Hey, didja hear? Buffy is going to be on Logo and MTV starting in January! That’s really effing exciting! Buffy, you guys! Buffy is back on tv!

And obvs we will all support teh gheys by only watching it on Logo right?

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Next: The moment you’ve all been waiting for … The Hot Girl of the Year Award!

The Hot Girl of the Year Award

We asked you to vote and you did! Jennifer Beals won with a whopping 42% of the votes. So congratulations, Bette Porter. You have really amazing arms. Sorry that annoying chick died in your pool!

We would also like to give awards to the three ladies who came the closest to kicking Bette Porter’s adorable ass: Sara Ramirez, Margaret Cho and Portia De Rossi — YOU GO GIRLS.

Not to be outdone, we had to do our own picks from the women you did not elect from our list. So here they are, in no particular order:

Carly’s Pick: Eliza Dushku in Dollhouse

What can I say? Ms. Dushku’s roles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and in Bring It On! really had a large impact on me during my sexual awakening of the late 90s/early aughts. She always plays a badass and that is obvs AWESOME.

Honorable Mention: The ladies of HIMYM

Riese’s Pick: Sofia Vergara from Modern Family

(or as the dudes down at the bowling alley say, “Sofia Viagra” HAHAH GET IT?!)

“I have a lot of questions for everyone who did not vote for Sofia Vergara. Were none of you paying attention back in 2005 when Carmen De La Pica Morales (not Sarah Shahi, as she is not Latina) told the world what so many of us already knew via cute-orange-t-shirt?

But regardless. Perhaps we should have shown you a photograph of Sofia Vergara’s ass:

Look you know how hot Sofia Vergara is? SHE’S SO HOT I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO WATCH THIS SHOW TO KNOW HOW HOT SHE IS. Yeah, I saw the pilot on an airplane a few months back, and it was pretty cute! But FHM and Maxim and all those dudes have taken time out to recognize Sofia and her breasts which are not implants charm & wit, what is wrong with you people?

Is it  because she’s dating Al Bundy on that show? I know. That grosses me out too. I wish she’d go lez with a naughty neighbor or something. Played by Kate Moennig or Rosario Dawson or Zoe Saldana.

Sarah’s Pick: Rutina Wesley on True Blood

Because of her muscles. That’s all I need to say, right? I mean, come on people.

The Best Shows On TV Awards

Drama – Mad Men and True Blood because: duh.
Comedy – 30 Rock. Nothing can beat it (though Nurse Jackie and Parks and Rec are definitely trying).

Reality – RuPaul’s Drag Race edged out all of the other reality crap I watch on the regular by being extra fabulous.

Well that’s it for me, squirrel friends, I’m spent! Do you agree with my choices? Or do you have a few awards of your own? Sound off in the comments!

‘Tron out!

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