This L Word recap was originally published on The Road Best Straddled in 2008, before the Autostraddle YOU know and love got invented! It has been republished here for your viewing delight.

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Of all foods: french fries. Of all underthings: boybriefs. Of all girls: Shane. Of all cheekbones: Tasha’s. Of all L Word writers: Angela Robinson. Of all cities: New York City. Of all songs: “Just Like Heaven,” by the Cure. It’s just … such a perfect song, and the last song I ever expected to hear during an L Word sex scene! I was ready for some woman with a lot of feelings to start moaning about topics such as: be-be-being your love, the weakness in her, lonely loneliness, going quietly, wanting to return in spite of all the damage she’s done or everything being perfect now. Why wasn’t this episode titled “Love Song”? Was “Lifecycle” bike-brand product placement, or a reference to Chaiken’s ovulation cycle? I don’t know. But you guys: this was the longest episode of all time! 10,000 things happened. This recap took so long to write that I’m secretly hoping there’ll be no Season Six. Or that I’ll have a replicant by then? Like in Bladerunner?

[Sidenote: There will be a Season Six. I’ll start accepting intern applications in December. Required skills include: screencapping, spelling, patience, tent-building abilities.] From a Showtime press release:

LOS ANGELES, CA – (March 10, 2008) – SHOWTIME has renewed the critically-acclaimed, groundbreaking lesbian drama THE L WORD® for a sixth and final season, it was announced today by Robert Greenblatt, SHOWTIME’s President of Entertainment. One of the network’s longest running series, THE L WORD® will culminate early next year in eight final episodes, marking the end of an era chronicling the lives of these iconic characters who have played a pivotal role in changing cultural perceptions of lesbians and the transgender community on and off screen. Production will resume in early summer.

This week was a big week for the vortex: not only did Carly emerge to view with us, but Dana Fairbanks came back to life for the Pink Ride.JK, Dana’s still dead. Ride on. Speaking of the land before time, this week’s viewing party, which was also a pre-birthday party for Alex Vega (We’re gonna be in Austin during her actual birthday next week), was attended by Alex (obvs), Carly, Cait, Crystal from Australia (not pictured), Littlefoot, Tinkerbell, Riese … and … RUPAUL! What young lesbian doesn’t want a RuPaul doll autographed by RuPaul herself for her birthday?

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“This Week In Corrections” is sorta becoming “This Week In my Opinions.”

1. I hang out with a lot of pretentious people who think they’re smarter than everyone else. They’ve mostly read Proust.
2. Clearly I haven’t read Proust, how can I when there’s a brand new issue of Teen Vogue on the newsstands every month?
3. JK, I read actual books when not recapping this godforsaken show. Which is ALL THE TIME. But I’m too dumb for Proust.
4. They had rolling blackouts, thus no air conditioning. I had this revelation during the show, just forgot to say so.

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You Went Away, ‘Cause You Said That You Can’t Stand Me: Within the first two minutes of Episode 510, the following major vortex-crashing events occur: the entire gang, by participating in the Pink Ride as TEAM DANA, acknowledges Dana’s prior existence in this cruel cruel world … and … Tasha mentions Papi. Really, Papi? Really. There’s no specific details explaining her disappearance (perhaps chronic yeast infections resulting from promiscuity) is , but the name-drop alone is enough to trigger head explosion. Then again, maybe Tasha was just talking about her Dad.

Maybe She Started Makin’ Trouble in her Neighborhood: So, this is how Papi comes up: Alice & Tasha, lookin’ FINE in biker pants, run into Tasha’s old friends, the Coco Girls, who Tasha & Papi used to shoot the b-ball outside of the school with before Tasha joined “the service.”

Henrietta’s, Ginger’s, Cattyshack, Cubbyhole, Nation, Chueca, Nowhere, Club Social Vida, Club Remix, Rubyfruit, Metropolitan … what am I missing?: Alice asks, “Who’s Coco?” What if Tasha had responded, “Um, chocolate?” But no — it’s a gay club downtown, Alice’s surprised she’s never heard of it. After all, who needs Coco when you’ve got (cue plugging music) She-bar! She-bar! So many flavors and co-lors! And the Pla-net! The PLANET! The Planet is the funnest bar in town! Tasha explains it’s a “different scene.” I’m surprised that Alice hasn’t heard of it still, but maybe that’s ’cause LA is so much bigger than LA physically.

UPDATE:

-Anonymous Commenter has informed me of “Bum Bum” in Queens.
-Also I just remembered when my [not-white, obvs] then-girlfriend invited me to this lesbian drum circle thing she was playing in that was in SomewhereFarAway, Brooklyn, but I’m not sure if that was a lezzie club or if it was just lesbian for that event. It was not a drum circle either, it was like a dance party. Also it took about two years to get there.
-I forgot to mention “Snapshot.”
-Chris just pointed out that I forgot to mention “Lovergirl NYC” which’s funny, too, ’cause I’ve actually been to it. But that’s not the name of the bar, it’s the name of the event, right? It says it’s at “Cache” on GoNYC, which I didn’t include, so I’m stupid. It’s true.

Y’know: I really like Tasha. Not just for her cheekbones, but for her spinal cord too. Tasha is uncompromising and strong, which should be good for Alice who prefers selling out. What are they doing together? Oh right, they wanna fuck each other. Works for me.

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Nikki (sportin’ a Girltrash t) and Jenny (sporting Heidi-hair, prepared to bicycle into the mountaintops singing milkmaid songs w/her little goat Sounder III), are ampin’ up the PDA, and Tina’s unimpressed. [Note: In the interest of consistency, I’ve continued to spell her name with two “K”s all season, but I now accept that it’s only one “k,” and will adopt this policy eternally.]



Lesbian Squabble #29 : You & Your Breasts, You RAISE That Awareness.

In the Ring: Jenny vs. Nikki, Out ‘n Proud

Content:

Tina: Nikki, what are you doing here?
Niki: I’m raising awareness for breast cancer. Did you know that 1 in 10 women are diagnosed —
Tina: YOU are supposed to be in L.A. doing the cover for Rolling Stone magazine!

[I guess if Jenny gets a story in The New Yorker , Nikki can have all the RS covers she wants]

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Alex: “She’s wearing pigtails you guys. Um, who brought that back originally?”
Riese: “You did, Alex … before Heidi, before Lara Ingalls Wilder … before anything … ”
Carly: “Since the dawn of time …”

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Adele’s rescheduled, no worries! Niki says the RS man is hot for Adele: “Jenny made Adele hot and now Mario’s totally hot for her.” Adele defers, Jenny asks if Adele’s gay (um, hello, yes, that’s why she’s psychotic about you), Tina’s gonna get fired if Jenny & Niki are seen together, but Niki says it’s not like they’re gonna be having sex on the side of the road (I think she’d be surprised what Jenny can do on the side of the road, have you forgotten Honeymoon Roadtrip Season One or Max/Jenny Stun-Gun Road Trip Season Three?) and anyway, she’s got a solution relative to her overall genius: she’ll put on her sunglasses, then no-one’ll recognize her. See:

This plan works for about half a second. Before you can say “girltrash!,” she’s already snapping photos with fans. This entire scene is cute and well done, I love the little Adele-Jenny-Niki dynamic here, it works. I love Angela Robinson.

Who Wins? Well, Tina says she quits, which’s funny. But I think she’s just being dramatic, you know how lesbians are.

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I Love to Watch You, Honey: My head’s gonna explode like the Uh Huh Her song “Explode.” We’ve acknowledged Dana & Papi, Alice’s wearing cute bicycle pants, Tasha just earned two minutes of actual backstory (most characters were birthed the moment the show began, except Tina, she doesn’t even have parents, she just appeared. Who knows where L Word characters come from? They just appear! ) (And Tina’s enforcing a similar parenting spirit upon Angelica, who she’s seen approximately once in the last six months), and now Kit is saying something so good that it might even be a nominee for quote of the week …ok. So.

What Do You Care if You Want To: Shane’s not happy to see Molly, but Molly says she can “support boobs” if she wants to. OK now she’s ready to support boobs! Last week, she paused Shane-Sex to acknowledge their oddity. Molly’s an IPEX bra now, rousing the whole crowd with “Yay! Boobs!” Which’s cute — just like her unstyled hair. Already not doing your hair? Defo a lesbian. Fuck Richard, he doesn’t even have hair. RuPaul does, she’s got beautiful hair!

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Don’t Walk Awayyyyyy: Look at this, about 100 things happen in this episode and I’ve already taken 500 tangents. Anyone enjoy eating squirrels? Who do you think would carry the baby, KC or Elka? Discuss.

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

“You flew all the way up here? Shane, Shane, she flew all the way up here to keep fighting with you, girl! That’s true love! That’s true love!” (bikes off) ”
-KIT

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Don’t Walk Away!: Molly says she knows it’s slightly stalkerish (hey, look at Adele, you could be following Shane with a crimper and some Biosilk) but if Shane could just listen to her … yeah, that’s not gonna happen.

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“I’m the uneducated one, remember? … I don’t wanna be your fucking loser fuck buddy I really don’t. I don’t want you to pity me, I don’t want you to save me, I don’t wanna be your fucking teacher into the gay world, I don’t want any of it. So just … just go home.”
-Shane

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Carly: “Get ready for Shane’s wrath!”
Riese: “… and then she just put on her Atom-Ant helmet and negated everything she just said.”
Carly: “Yeah now it’s over.”

Don’t Walk Awayyyyyy : Shane just stood up for herself against a pretty girl, as if she cared! If I didn’t know any better, I’d call that “character development.” Oh, right, Angela Robinson wrote this episode, I think it might be actual character development.

I Cried So Hard You Pushed Me Further Away: And they’re off! Shane’s in the lead, followed by Team Coco. That’ll last for about a minute, Shane’s legs are about as wide as two hot dogs walking through a hallway. Ha ha. I just made myself LOL.

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I Get So Sad That Sad Gets To Be: Bette & Tina — already having feelings. Look, I’m inventing a new acronym, it’s “FOF” for “full of feelings.” I think Bette may already be tearing up. Then Bette rides up next to Tina, and the cutest thing of all time happens:

Bette: Hey, I need to tell you something.
Tina: (FOF) What?
Bette: You look … really great in those pants.
Tina: (laughing ) “Fuck you … fuck you.”

And I’ve Been Juggling Two Women Like a Stupid Circus Clown : Tina doesn’t want Jodi to know they’ve been screwing around behind her back, she doesn’t want anyone to know. It’s okay for Jodi to know they talked about it, but that’s it. Probs ’cause she doesn’t wanna be judged like her Father in heaven is already judging her. I wonder if these are the kinds of thoughts Lance Armstrong has when he’s riding. Bette agrees, besides she doesn’t know ASL for “Itotallyfuckedup,” which’s what “hearing” people say instead of enunciating all those words, therefore increasing their potential impact.

But Races Are Seriously Way More Fun Than Rides: The Coco Girls ride up to Tasha, calling at her to ride with them. Alice is jealous: “it’s a ride, not a race!” I can’t tell if she’s scared she’s gonna lose Tasha to people that Tasha can relate to as a black woman or if she’s scared she’s gonna lose Tasha the lady that was flirting with her at the start.

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Carly: “Is that thunder I heard?”
Riese: “Yeah it’s gonna rain on their parade.”
Carly: “Don’t rain on the bike parade.”

If You Wanna Be My Lover: Fans wave at Nikki on the side of the road and Shane asks if it ever bothers her: no, it’s funny. Nikki wants the deets on Shane & Jenny’s friendship — where’d they meet (Bettina Sperm Party), have they ever hooked up? (“Fuck no”) and, if not, why not? After all, Nikki points out, “friends are always hooking up.” For example, her and her BFF The Midge. “Not in this case,” Shane says. Nikki adds that Jenny’s beautiful, Shane’s “not so bad herself,” sooo … basically Nikki’s reading my mind. Why haven’t they hooked up? WHY NOT?

But really, what’s going on here? Is Nikki executing pre-jealousy, or is she trying to get into Shane’s hot little pants? Seriously, I’m reconsidering her eligibility for the MacArthur Genius Grant:

“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.”
-Shaneism, re: hooking up with your friends.

It took me a long time to learn that too, and I actually did go to college, so that’s that. College fucks you up.

Somebody’s Gotta Say It:

“Fuck, my pussy is soooooo numb!”
-Jenny

Single White Heterosexual Bicyclist: Jenny asks Shane to do something about her stalker. Hi Pot, it’s me, Kettle. Shane says she doesn’t have to do anything about her stalker, but Jenny says she does, ’cause that bitch’s been following her around for 30 miles! Jenny & Nikki are so cute, they’ve missed each other during these ten minutes apart!

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Hey! It’s a Ride, not a Race! Molly challenges Shane to a race — if she wins, Shane has to listen to her. She better be careful, Shane’s not messin’ around, that girl’s been like Surprise Flash Gordon so far in her Free City pants. Shane consents, but Molly can’t seem to wait ’til she wins, she’s ready to talk NOW (cough lesbian), and so she begins as they ride. I think this counts as a lesbian squabble, carried over from earlier.

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Lesbian Squabble #30: A Twisted Elbow Crush Song

In the Ring: Shane vs. Molly

Content: Look at how cute Molly’s little face is. Shane’s so serious, she’s a little beast when she’s riding something. Also, she’s got serious LL Cool J pants going on.

Who Wins? Molly! She can tell she’s losing, so she yells “I love you,” which makes Shane stop (this wouldn’t be the first time she’s heard a premature proclamation of love), and Molly passes her. Shane’s pissed ’cause she cheated. Who cares, says Mollly, she still won. See Shane, that’s what you could’ve learned from an Ivy league education — it’s not how you play the game, it’s if you win or not, e.g., George W. Also, Shane’s ass hurts, which’s odd, ’cause she doesn’t have an ass.

Lesbian Sexy-Sweet Moment #31: Silly Banging Knee Song

The Players: Shane and Molly

The Pick-Up: See below.

Molly: “I know I’m a disaster, but you have to listen to me because that was the bet.”
Shane: “Make it fast.”
Molly: “I don’t know if I’m gay, I don’t know if I’m straight, but I know that I wanna be with you.”
Shane: “We had terrible sex.”
Molly: “No! It was great … for me! You don’t just get on a bike and know how to ride it — same with riding a girl! So I freaked out, big deal! You’ve just been with so many girls you don’t remember your first time. Well guess what? It was my first time! And it was great! It was better than with Richard, and with guys, and with anybody, and I’m really really really into you and I swear to you next time I will so go down on you!

Shane: (semi-horrified) “Molly, Molly, you’re making a scene — please — seriously why do you wanna be with me? Think about it because you’ve been using me to get back at your mother the whole time –”
Molly: “I haven’t! I haven’t been using you. I’ve never flown to the Pacific Northwest to chase a girl I barely know, and I’m here, and I’m really crazy about you and i need you to give me another chance even if I’m still awful in bed. I know that I’m still Gay 101 but I’m a really fast learner and before you know it I’m going to be graduate level gay and fuck law school I’m gonna get my doctorate in fucking gay!”

The Look … The Kiss.

I’m A Car Crash, But I Have To Get Up: Tearing up a little. It’s that love-despite-all-odds thing, if I could get on top of feelings like this in real life, I’d be golden. I don’t even care that suddenly the entire Team Dana is there from god-knows-where — cheering, and that’s inherently corny, and has never, seriously, never happened in real life except that one time in the Macaroni Grill when someone proposed with a ring on top of a cannoli, and we were getting paid for that. Yay! Shane, yeah, kiss her, love her! I mean if this DID happen in real life, everyone would be sitting over there just judging the fuck out of everything. “This isn’t gonna work … ” “You know how straight girls are …” “I give this three weeks …” “Molly’s such a snob, she’s just trying to piss off her Mom … ” “Hey, speaking of her Mom, I’m familiar … ” “Shut up, Alice, this isn’t The Look …”

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You Are my Sunshine: It’s a memorial wall and everybody is thinking about Dana. OMG, I’m tearing up like a lesbian nun getting kicked out of church. I’ve got so many feelings.

Is There More to Life Than Love And Being Together? I wonder if Bette feels especially connected to Tina right now ’cause of Dana — when someone you love dies, it’s often hard to connect to new people who didn’t know the dead girl. Unfortunately, this is a teevee show that’s virtually ignored the grieving process, and where the F is Tina? Maybe she’s with Angelica. haha. JK. Baby girl can take care of HERSELF.

Trail of Tears: Alice puts the Team Dana pin on the Wailing Wall. They light a candle, sad music plays. These are the days of our lives, like sand through an hourglass. They’re all riding for Dana. Except Molly (where’s Molly?), she’s riding to get her doctorate in Gay 101, ’cause riding a bike is hard like riding a girl. Or something.

I find it hard to believe this is the best photo they could find of Dana. Who was in charge of this? Max? Did he internet search that photo?

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O, Pioneers!: In order to ensure I feel maximum feelings, the sad music continues across serene wilderness landscape shots. Then Jodi and Bette stand serenely in said wilderness …

All We Need is Some Hot Wheels and/or a Basket: Jodi wishes Angie was with them today. Ambitious! You don’t just get on a bike and know how to ride it. She’s like, two? Right? Ange can barely even walk, she thinks rats are puppies, let’s not rush her. Maybe that’s Angela Robinson telling Ilene she wishes Angie was acknowledged.

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Guess What? IT’S MUSICAL MONTAGE TIME!!!!

You better work.

Riese: “What’s with Max? He’s totally wearing a rollerblading helmet.”
Carly: “He’s like, ‘I’m a dude now. I need a dude helmet.'”

Adele, stop touching everyone, it’s not getting you any closer to Jenny’s poonany.

Alice loves peeing on camera.

You Say Dana, I Say Camping! The gang’s setting up their tents at a nice stretch of grass I believe is “the campsite.”

Kit is a woman after my own heart:

Alice: “Isn’t there a hotel or something we can check into?”
Kit: “And rent a car so we can drive the rest of the way?”

Replace ‘Alice’ with ‘Riese’ and ‘Kit’ with ‘Cait,’ and you’ve got “what would happen if we ever did this crazy thing.” Haviland’s not in that dialogue, she’d never wear a helmet for 170 miles, and Alex would seriously be having a grand ol time, probs hopping around the grass with Littlefoot and RuPaul.

Cait: “What is this place?”
Riese: “Camp Onawana.”
Cait: “It’s kinda serious.”
Carly: “Listen, it’s VIP.”
Cait: “Oh, they called ahead?”
Carly: “It’s velvet rope.”

The Way You Were: Alice asks Tasha where she’s been, obvs she’s been on the other side of the tracks w/the Coco Girls, catching up on old times. Tasha says they should all hang out later, but Alice doesn’t feel right about leaving her friends to hang out with Tasha’s friends. Errr, it’s not really fair to expect your girlfriend to love your friends but not be interested in returning the favor. It’s not like anyone’s gonna suddenly start actually talking about Dana or anything, “Team Dana” is just a figure of speech.


Add North Face to the ‘Gay-Friendly’ List: “What is this, the Taj Mahal?” Tina asks when she sees the chateau that Adele’s put together. North Face must also be hot for Adele, ’cause they gave Nikki & Jenny a fancy tent in exchange for a photo of Nikki in front of the tent, which seems like an unimpressive ad campaign.

Sold. Get me a backpack.

I Learned Sign Language in Two Days, You Think I Can’t Put Together a Tent?: Bette’s not gonna let Jodi set up that tent for her, c’mon, “I’m not an idiot, I can follow some simple instructions. I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t second guess me.” Then obviously the tent collapses. This is like Bette and the No Good Very Bad Day. Also, I’m surprised that Bette wears Uggs, though they are quite comfy. Jodi’s nearing the end of her proverbial rope with Bette’s moods. She can’t possibly have PMS every day.

Carly : “Jennifer Beals is wearing Uggs. Write that down.”

Shane did not expect company when she chose that tent.

Well I’d Spend the Night and I’d Lose my Mind: Shane’s tent is too bullshit for Molly, she can’t possibly have “advanced placement lesbian sex” in a pup tent Shane picked up at Costco (on sale). This girl is used to lecture halls and seminars.

Riese: “Maybe she could’ve saved some money on that $800 bike and $200 Free City t-shirt and $300 pants –”
Cait:[clearly actually knows]“Those pants cost $385 dollars.”
Riese: “However, getting into those pants? Priceless.”

Animal Farm: It’s Class Wars. I don’t understand how these girls can be friends w/Shane and not feel bad that they’re in North Face Temples while Shane squeezes into a clearance-rack pup tent. Help a sister out! This is reason #400 why I could never live in West Hollywood, where I guess it’s fully acceptable to set up a mansion for yourself while your BFF sleeps in a pup tent.

Taj My-Ass : Sholly exercises their jealousy by making Jenny’s tent collapse, which’s actually more of a punishment for Adele than anything. As the tent comes falling down, Jenny yells: “Adele! Someone’s trying to kill us!” which is reason #456 that I love Jenny. Who’s she gonna call when Adele tries to kill HER?

I Hope I Never Figure Out Who Broke Your Heart and If I Do: Jodi’s helping Tina put up her tent, ’cause she just wants to put up anyone’s tent! She just wants to participate! G-d, I’d hate to be Tina — she’s like the eleventh wheel on this couples voyage — and Bette’s there with her girlfriend, Jodi, and now Jodi’s asking Tina for advice about Bette’s moodiness and OCD. Tina knows exactly what’s wrong with Bette, which makes this scene uncomfortable for everyone.

And If I Do, And If I Do: Jodi asks if Angelica is okay, which’s funny, we were just wondering the same thing. Tina says she’s fine. By “fine” she means “probably dead in a box of Wheat Thins.” Jodi’s like “Oh-kay.” Then Jodi hugs her, which’s really awkward. Tina decides to hide in her tent. Good call, I’d totally do the same exact thing, I hope she has a book or two, I suggest “The Loner’s Manifesto.”

Cait: “Where were the tents when they were riding the bikes?
Riese: “They were with Papi.”
Carly: “Angus and Angelica and Papi are carrying the tent.”

Try and stop me! 99% plastic, 1% woman!

ARSON! ARSON!

I Also Love my Blackberry, FYI: The gang’s sitting around the campfire, and Alice is getting the scoop on Adele — does she ever stop working? (No) When is The L Word over (never), G-d, doing those recaps takes so long Riese you’re always busy, why do you do it (good karma), why don’t you stop (chapstick for brains)? Oh wait, sorry, sometimes I accidentally transcribe my friends’ dialogue instead of the show. Okey dokey, questions for Adele: Gay or straight (depends)? Seeing anyone (no)? Planning on becoming famous and therefore being an a candidate for next week’s outing on The Look ? Adele confirms she’s single (if she had someone, they’d feel super neglected, like boyfriend-from-the- Devil Wears Prada style) and mostly gay. I’ve got a lot of questions for Adele too, none of them are addressed here. Alice wants to set her up with someone.

Alice: “That’s what these rides are for, curing cancer and one night stands.”
Adele: “I prefer to just focus on my work.”
Alice: “Come on, that’s boring.”
Adele: “Okay, alright, there’s somebody that I have my eye on.”
Alice: “Who?”
Adele: “It’s a secret.”

I give up on everybody. Adele literally hasn’t spoken to anyone since she arrived on this show besides Jenny & Jenny’s people. She has a Potential Crush Pool of “1.”

I Spy Bette! I Spy Tina! Bette and Tina are giving each other googly eyes. Bette’s probably wondering where Tina’s hiding under all that puffy coat. Kit says she hopes Bette knows what she’s doing. Obviously she doesn’t, hello, it’s Bette, the most Emo Type A of all time.

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I Just Want to Be Bad: Nikki “cuts in” in line at the showers, which’s mega annoying, I’d whap that bitch in the face, I don’t care how pretty her face is. Shane says she’s glad Nikki & Jenny worked it all out and Nikki says she “totally loves her.” She also totally loves the mall, surfing with her friends, and that coconut smell you get after going tanning. Oh, and she loves love and unicorns. Nikki asks about Molly and Shane says she’s a sucker for a pretty face.”I thought you were hard to get,” Nikki teases, and Shane’s like noooo … obviously, she’ll sleep with anyone, I thought we had consensus on that. “Not hard to get, just hard to keep,” Nikki comments.

Either Nikki wants to fuck Shane (but then again, who doesn’t), wants a threesome with Shane (again — who doesn’t?) or wants to be Shane (and don’t we all). Also, she’d like to get a good look at Shane’s goods and/or count her ribs:



Subtle, Subtle, Subtle …

“What Are You Thinking About?” Is the Most Annoying Question of All Time : Tasha’s thinkin’ about how she had these friends, and then she had the military, and now she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Alice, in a super-cute Alice voice, says Tasha just needs time to adjust and figure things out. They should hire her at OurChart.

Tasha: “What do you want to happen?”
Alice: “With what? When?”
Tasha: “Like in the future … I mean, do you want kids, you wanna stay in L.A., what would be your ultimate career? Just questions …”
Alice: (teasing) “Just little questions … I guess I want kids eventually, but not now.”

I Want to Draw You a Floorplan of My Head and Heart: Alice asks Tasha what she wants. Tasha wants to be with her. In fact, she wants to move in together. Don’t they already live together? Pop Quiz: where does Tasha live? I dunno, never seen it, she’s always in Alice’s Hallway. Tasha says, “This is serious stuff, dontcha think?” and Alice jokes, “I’m not leavin’ you alone in the tent anymore, we’re supposed to be making s’mores!” That’s cutie-pie. I’m still not entirely sure what these two have in common, but they’re both pretty and I think this is the longest episode of all time, my eyes hurt.

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It’s Like Oregon Trail! Shane and Molly ditch the campfire ’cause Molly’s hungry and doesn’t want any ol pup tent marshmallow. I guess they’re gonna go eat some spam or kill a deer or something. Or they’re gonna eat each other out.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #32: Is It Alright For Me to Feel This Way, Put Your Head in my Lap, the World Will Go Away

The Players: Shane and Molly

The Pick-up: Shane, re: the tent/privacy, says “Hey, I tried,” and Molly says, “Not hard enough, obviously.” Molly got the sherpas to let them into some shack, I’m not altogether sure what’s going on, but I also don’t really care, let’s get naked.

Hot or Not? Shane looks nice in red, doesn’t she? There’s no music — just breathing, and crickets. Molly asks for tips. Shane says “breathe through your mouth.” While we’re on the topic of “basics for living,” I’d like to suggest three meals a day. Molly’s given beejers before, why’s she acting so revolutionized by this suggestion? Shane’s gonna have to be like “Okay, good with the breathing, now here’s my clit.”

I like it when Shane surrenders. Everyone’s being cute & lovey in this episode. Absolutely won’t last. But for now: hot.

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Carly : Hey new girl, nobody hit your buzzer.
Cait : Oh, Carly.

Vega makes Littlefoot and Rupaul fall in love too.

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Toys in Babeland:
Jenny’s pulled out the handycam to record Nikki’s First Time Receiving a Strap-On. Clearly this is a set-up for a sex tape scandal, doesn’t Jenny read Gawker or spot tabloid headlines at Kroger’s? Did Jenny fall and hit her head on a rock? Wear helmets, kids. Nikki doesn’t know what to do with “a purple penis” ’cause she’s “not a dude.” Well, she’s also not a Ninja Warrior, but man Liquid Heat kicked ASS best movie EVER 12 mil from now on! And also, I believe her memory of sex with a dude should be pretty effin fresh right now. Strap-ons are really expensive, I hope Nikki’s appreciative.

Hellooooo TMZ!


Lesbian Sexy Moment #33: One Night in Nikki

The Players: Jenny and Nikki, future You Tube stars

The Pick-Up: That’d be Jenny — “Do you like fucking me? Well, you’re just gonna fuck me with that.” You can always count on Jenny to bring out the (relative) kink.

The most important part of this scene is that they’re playing “Just Like Heaven” by the Cure,
best song ever.

In the Evidence of It’s Brilliance: Nikki wants to direct, and Jenny’s “scared” that Nikki’ll be a bad director. Safe bet, Nikki’s not exactly a genius, but she seems to know a thing or two about sex scenes: she tells Jenny to take off her clothes, Jenny drops some sexy French words that probs mean “fuck me with a strap-on,” Jenny does a convincing petulant schoolgirl (“What do you want me to do?”) and even pauses to say: “You’re beautiful,” which I think is maybe a Paris Hilton throwback, I couldn’t watch that Paris Hilton video ’cause I felt like I was violating Paris’s privacy as we are very close friends in my imagination. Jenny returns the “you’re beautiful,” and it’s a nice sweet moment for everyone, eventually the whole world will enjoy this exchange.

The Magic Push-Off Bra: Nikki asks Jenny to take off her bra, but then suddenly her bra’s back on again and she’s whipped out the stilletos. Apparently the Adult Emporium, as well as North Face, is sponsoring this vaycay, I hope Adele’s gonna snap some photos later. I hope she got a free Pocket Rocket out of the deal. Or something.

Hot or Not? It’s playful and pretty and gorgeous —

Jenny advises: “Take off your pants, that’s the only way you’re gonna get your actors to listen to you!”

(Is this gonna be another Helena-Dylan type situation w/the video? ‘Cause I will just. Die.)

Jenny teases, “How are you gonna fuck me,” and Niki says “Like a man.”

You know what that means: “quickly and without eye contact, get on all fours now.”

Nikki’s not sure if she’s “in,” ’cause that’s true, it’s a strange sensation not to know exactly what’s going on when you’ve got a plastic dick instead of a nerve-ending-packed love muscle.

She gets the hang of it pretty fast.
Those significant quadriceps, and so on.

Like riding a bike. Like riding a girl. Like riding on a dream of starshine.

Hot or Not? Nikki’s all squirmy and cute and wearing a white button-up men’s t-shirt and cute glasses (throw on some boyshorts and you’ve got hottest girl-outfit ever), Jenny’s in a glittery black bra, there’s a strap on, fucking, and exposed thighs, there’s confessions of loving one another (“so much” even) … hot.

Almost all the sex scenes have been hot this season, although it’s possible I’m just losing my mind.

---

Speaking of losing one’s mind …

All About Adele: Adele’s standing outside smoking a joint and/or cigarette. She’s approximately one sexy moment away from going batshit crazy on everyone. Fuck riding FOR breast cancer, y’all better get on your bikes and ride AWAY from Adele STAT.

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I’d Like to Read That Thesis: Shane gives Molly an “A+,” which’s Shane’s way of saying she knows how grades work. Molly asks Shane if she’ll visit her when Molly returns to law school but Shane says she doesn’t like the cold ’cause she’s got no body fat whatsoever. Shane’s interested in Molly’s life/dreams now, asking about what kind of law she wants to go into and subsequently expressing surprise when Molly says she wants to be a public defender.OO! OOO! Shane knows what that is. “Defending the little guy!” (subtext: “Like me, when I was a skinny male sex worker.”) Shane says she’d never expect that from Molly, but Molly says she’s full of surprises. I hope one of them is being a vampire or a mafiosa, that’d be a fun little twist.

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Lesbian Sexy Moment #33 ctd. These girls have great manicures, very long-lasting. Do people w/o body-image issues (e.g., Jenny) really do it with bras on? Why? There’s multiple ominous camera-shots of the video camera, I’m scared it’s gonna grow legs and turn into a Gremlin. I used this technique in my 11th grade opus “Easy,” about a young man struggling with his sexuality and therefore contemplating suicide — indicated, of course, by a series of cuts between a shot of the distressed protagonist staring forlornly at his sad future and a shot of the razor on the sink. In retrospect, that razor barely shaved my legs and couldn’t’ve killed a cockroach, let alone a homo. La-di-da.

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Goosebumps: Alice is telling a ghost story, but I can’t tell it to you because it’s too scary. JK, because it was stupid enough the first time around. The ghost story’s protagonist goes to stay in a cabin in the woods …

Kittism: “Why do white people always do that shit? Especially when they know some crazy spooky shit’s gonna happen to ’em!”

Carly : “Kit looks like Janice the Muppet. Write that down.”

Bette: “You’re not telling a homicidal maniac escapes from an insane asylum story … you’re not.”
Alice: “Just wait for it … wait.”

FYI: the wait is over, the story was stupid. Moving on … what is that rustling in the woods?!!

Two scary people in friar capes and Jason masks! Whatever adult store Jenny visited pre-trip is probs stocking up on gas masks, balloons and adult diapers for next time: “that bitch’ll try ANYTHING!”

I Don’t Want Trouble  Tasha’s totally not scared. The gang badgers Nikki & Jenny for making sexy noise in the tent. Jenny: “How old are we, 12?” Nikki probs remembers 12, it was only yesterday for her (“Hmm, that’s the year my breasts started looking REALLY good!”). Anyhow, why’s it always 12? When I was 12, I still thought sex might make you pee, but anyway, why’s 12 the default age for immaturity? This is a real question, we actually had a long conversation about it since “What are you, 12?” is a common phrase in our lexicon. I thought we got it from “Closer” but I guess that’s not true, it’s always been this way.

How About Spin the Bottle?! : “Truth or Dare” is nixed ’cause Bette doesn’t want everyone walking around naked, ’cause she’s got that no-nudity clause. They pick “I’ve Never.” I have a lot of feelings about the way that they play “I’ve Never.” Playing “I’ve Never” wrong is one of my top ten pet peeves about other humans, right up there with reclining on airplanes and making me go out. There’s one FUN way to play I’ve Never — when it’s your turn, you’ve gotta say something you’ve truly never done. E.g., Carmen De La Pica Morales could say “I’ve never slept with a man” and everyone’d have to drink. Kit could say “I’ve never had an orgasm with a woman” — drinks all around. Shane: “I’ve never gone to college!” and everyone’d drink except for Nikki and possibly Kit? Jenny could do, “I’ve never dated Bette,” and that’d be three drinkers down. This’ll be super-fun for Kit, she’s gonna get HIGH off that Diet Coke! Also, she’d win if they played it right, she could use her heterosexuality like WHOA. Good thing Papi never got her off.

Though they’re not exciting, my “I’ve Never” fallbacks include never having long hair and never having eaten various meat products. I always lose this game, ’cause of all my sex and drugs. Anyhow, they play it where you can say anything, even if it’s not true. My eyeballs/ears are bleeding, but whatever, I will proceed valiantly. I’m really fun to play games with.

Also, the point of this game is not to get drunk. It’s for Bette and Tina to exchange loaded glances:

The following “I’ve Never” statements are given. It doesn’t matter who said them, since they’re not playing the game right.

1. “I’ve Never Slept with a Girl”: Adele has! Tom doesn’t take a drink and I think you can feel Max’s little heart swelling with testosterone and glee. Mine too, a little. Aw.

2. “I’ve Never Lied About Who I’m Sleeping With”: Alice is surprised when Tina drinks, and Tina points out “that one time” and Alice remembers O’Henry! … Tina doesn’t wanna be reminded. Even though I think she’s still wearing his coat.

3. “I’ve Never Had Sex in a Public Place.”: Tom says he needs a “bucket” for this, which makes my asshole hurt really bad. Shane’s chug-a-lugging for this one. They try to define a public place as “anywhere without a door.” Mm, like that Ani DiFranco song.

4. “I’ve Never Been in Love”: Everyone has except Shane who doesn’t “think” she’s ever been in love. (What?!!!?!) Nikki & Jenny love love so much they kiss over it. I love Shane ’cause she’s so convinced about it in the moment and so over it about two minutes later. I’ve been in love, I’m drinking, I’m drinking for Shane. I’m riding for Dana, drinking for Shane. Also, surprise, Bette & Tina give each other googly eyes about being in love.

5. “I’ve Never Cheated on a Girlfriend.”: Everyone drinks. Tasha admits she’s cheated on Michelle, one of the Coco Girls, which surprises Alice. Who did Alice cheat on? OH! Her boyfriend in high school, right? With another girl?

Tasha: “I kissed another girl while I was going out with my first girlfriend.”
Alice: “That’ll do it.”
Bette: “Kissing isn’t like — ‘cheating-cheating’ — it’s not — you know –”
Tasha: “Yes, it is.”
Alice: “Kissing is cheating!”
Bette: “Well …”
Alice: “Totally cheating, totally.”
(Jenny and Nikki nod “No,” Molly agrees)
Jodi: “I think it depends on the agreement of the people in the relationship. I don’t want the world making you know, judgments on what I should do in my relationship.”
Alice: “But nobody likes to be fucked around on, like, behind their back –“

Anyone wanna know what I think is cheating? OK! Well. I think if it feels like cheating … then it is cheating. I’m a big believer in emotional betrayal. I’d be more upset if my girlfriend had dinner with a girl she felt really into than I would be if my girlfriend fucked some stranger she met in a bar. But also, I really think it’s the agreement in the relationship. For example, Jodi and Bette have agreed to be monogamous!

Shane: “I don’t know, I don’t think kissing counts, it’s not cheating, nor do I think sleeping with someone counts.”
Alice: “Fucking?!”
Shane: “Well, unless you sleep with ’em more than once–”
[a lot of feelings/discussion about this]
Shane: “Not in my book.”
Nikki: “No no no, I agree with Shane. Messing around is just messing around, right? i mean you can still be loyal to someone in your heart and I mean — what’s the big deal?”

[By this, Nikki means “Shane, we can sleep together, everything will be fine, Jenny knows where my heart is.” Also, I kinda agree with Nikki, but again — it depends on how your partner feels about it!!! Also it’s tricky w/famous people, ’cause it’s embarrassing for everyone to know what’s going on behind your back.]

Alice: “Wowwww … you guys have GREAT morals.”
[laughing everywhere]
Jenny: “No, I agree with Jodi. I think that it depends on your agreement as a couple … so, if you guys say that you’re in a monogamous relationship then you’re in a monogamous relationship and I think that if you’re in an open relationship then you’re in an open relationship.”

Jodi smiles at Bette, like “aren’t you glad we’re in such a great monogamous relationship?” which makes Tina, lumberjack over there in the puffy coat … a little upset.

Max: “Like when you cheated on me with Claude?”
[Damn, Gina!]
[Also … no? Not really like that at all. Why are you trying to bring that up now? It’s kinda random.]
Tom: “Who’s Claude?”

Nikki: “Jenny!”
Max: “The French girl.”
Jenny: “We were broken up.”
Max: “What?!”
[Sidenote: Max fucked Billy Blakey?!!]
Jenny: “I don’t wanna talk about that.”

I feel like Angela Robinson just brought Jenny and Max’s relationship out of the vortex, as we never speak of it.

Shane: “I dunno. I think sexual jealousy always weighs down a relationship.”
[Agreed]
Tina: “That’s because you’re a ho!”
Shane: “I ain’t a ho, bitch! Don’t you go projecting –“

[Yeah, she just said that, I feel uncomfortable, let’s move on. ]

Molly: “So does that mean that I could sleep with any one of your friends and you wouldn’t care?”
Shane : “Not if you came home to me afterwards.”
Molly: “Really?!!”
Shane: “Smile.”
Molly: “No.”
Shane : “Let me see.”
Molly: “No, ew.”

Alice: “Oh my god, you guys are on crack! Like, fucking is cheating, kissing is cheating, whether you do it once or 40 times, it’s cheating! Come ON!”
Kit: “I agree.”
Alice: “Crazy people!”

Tasha’s ready to take it to another level altogether. She’s in the army. She can do whatever she wants to, that’s right, she can do MIND CONTROL.

Tasha: “And thinking is cheating.”

[Lots of feelings all around]

Tasha: “If you’re thinking about having sex with somebody else and flirting with them, that’s intimacy that you’re giving to somebody else besides your partner, it’s cheating! What?”

What are we, 12? Let’s settle this with a vote. Jenny thinks people oughta raise their hand if they think kissing’s cheating.

Seriously Tina needs to stop giving Bette the eye, Bette’s hair does not even look good today.

Tina raises her hand for kissing being cheating like she’s voting for Norma Rae:

Bette won’t raise her hand, ’cause she thinks it’s a trap to judge, which is determined to be a cop-out, though she’s also right. Obviously it’s a trap, hello, welcome to your life. OK, this is sorta becoming a lesbian squabble.

Lesbian Squabble #31: Love Will Tear Us Apart Again
In the Ring: Bette vs. Alice … but then sorta, everybody vs. everybody, and then Bette vs. Jodi
Content:

Alice: “Oh my God, that’s such a non-answer! Because — well — Bette is a big ‘ol cheater.”
Bette: “Alice — ”
Shane: “Oh, give her a break, come on!”
Alice: [judging] “I’m not judging! I’m not judging!”

But You Know Baby That’s Just Me: Tina tries to move us right along by asking who’s got the next “I’ve Never,” which’s cheating. Alice, who’s totally out of line, continues to dig Bette’s grave, sharing with the group what a “giant cheater” Bette is. Alice explains that Bette: “Cheated on Tina, you cheated on me, you cheated. There’s — there’s a lot of cheating. Right? Come on, you guys, you were there! She was crackin’ through ’em — ba-boom. Ginormous cheater! Okay, fine, leave me alone.” — is Alice practicing for The Look? ‘Cause this is like, capital I inappropriate. She better get used to those stares of disbelief and awkward silences.

I Need Love in a Good Way: Tina remembers she’s got something really important to do in her tent far far away and she busts that pop-stand, therefore clarifying the situation for everyone. I don’t blame her though, I’m sure she’s dying inside. Jodi follows her lead and ditches the bonfire. Tom calls after her.

Okay You Found Me Out Beyond Without a Doubt:
Alice wants to know what the fuck just happened. “OMG LOL LMAO WTF what the fuck just happened,” as we always say. Jodi goes into her tent to cry alone, Bette chases her. Tom follows up with his radio text from Jodi: “She doesn’t want to see you Bette. She wants you to go away.” Bette feels like an asshole, so she does as told. Also, Tom needs a new phone, those text noises are crazy loud.

But I Promise This I Won’t Go My Whole Life Telling You I Don’t Need: Yay! It’s girlfriends time! Alice and Shane ask Tina if she’s having an affair with Bette. She admits she has been for about a month. Alice wants to know why Tina didn’t tell her. “Cause you have a big mouth,” Tina points out. Good point, let’s all stick our tongues inside it.

Shane : “I never saw this coming — ever.”
[They all take a drink.]
[That, ladies, is how you play the game. Sorta. Closer.]

I’m Capsized Erring on the Edge of Safe : Kit also wants to know how the fuck this happened, ’cause shit like this don’t just happen! You don’t just wake up next to somebody by accident! (Unless your name is “Kit,” and you wake up in bed with “Papi,” RIP.) Kit asks: Did Bette forget how much her and Tina hated each other, how miserable they were? Did the sex totally make Bette lose her mind? Why’d she fuck it up with Jodi when they had a real shot at something healthy? No, Bette says, they never had a shot. That’s true. I think Bette and Tina are basically just stuck with each other whether they like it or not. Sometimes someone crawls into your heart and latches on with their little manicured nails and you just can’t pry them away, even though there’s elemental dysfunctions. Bette says she knows she’s going about it all wrong but she’s doing it for the right reasons and that she was trying to do the right thing. Kit kinda gets her dead on:

Kit: “You know, well it sounds like you’re doing what’s right for Bette. You know, it’s always what’s right for Bette. “

Guess what though?

Encircle Me I Need to Be Taken Down : Shane thinks Jodi’s gonna be devastated — she’s not trying to guilt-trip “T,” but Jodi moved her whole life out here for Bette. She did? See, if you’re a big big cheater, you shouldn’t really ever ask anyone to move their life for you. Alice wants to know if Tina’s in love with Bette … again.

“I’ve always been in love with her. I just want her back.”
(Tina)

Tina feels like an asshole for doing this to Jodi. She didn’t even wanna come on this goddamn bike ride. They’re probs like “Us neither, but y’know, breast cancer usually wins out over personal drama. Remember DANA?” Tina really breaks down now, it’s serious, like she’s raw as hell right now. She’s scared that they’re gonna fuck it up again, but she has to do it. When she’s crying and going, “I wanna be with her,” I may or may not be also crying.

Alice: “Okay. You guys — you know, you belong together.”
Shane: “Yup, you do.”
Alice: “You always have.”
Shane: “It’s true.”
Tina: “I fucking hate women.”
Shane: “Yeah, well …” (drinks beer)
Alice: “That is some fucked up shit, Tina.”

[Tina’s still wearing her Dana button. That’s true love!]

Who Wins?: Again, I’m going to have to go with the lucky advertisers on TiBette.com.

Nobody Likes To But I Really Like to Cry: This is my “favorite part” of the episode, when we go back to the campfire and Nikki and Jenny are just sitting there like ho-hum, here we are, still at the fire, so much drama, and then, Muppets Movie style, Jenny observes: “It’s so difficult. Bette and Tina should’ve stayed together. They should’ve had the courage to work it out instead of just running away from each other like that. Fuck, instead of reeking all this fucking havoc.”

Nikki mentions that she & Jenny came back to each other and that’s all that matters. Right, after that long afternoon apart. I think Nikki’s uncomfortable when the attention is anywhere besides directly upon her. Also, Nikki, a five-hour breakup does not a MacArthur Relationship Prize make.


Jenny Moment: “Well, I’m in no position to judge. Love makes people so insane. Do you know that my friends think I’m out of my mind for falling in love with you?”

[Sweetie, they thought you were out of your mind way before Niki came into the picture.]
—

Nikki says their friends just don’t understand, they’re different! Jenny asks if this is gonna be one of those “movie things” or if they’re actually gonna make it. There’s only one right answer to that question which Nikki provides and then adds, “And I’m going to love you forever … I promise.”

Carly: “Kiss of death!
Riese: “I give them three weeks.”

I Listen In Yes I’m Guilty of This: Obviously, Adele takes the videotape, so she can put it on YouTube. We also have this idea that maybe somehow it’ll look like Alice did it, or somehow she’ll set Alice up to do it herself. Maybe it’ll be Max’s secret podcast!

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Nobody Likes Me Maybe If I Cry: Bette’s dressed like Paul Bunyan, crying by the waterside, ’cause it hurts to hurt people. You can’t ask your friends for sympathy (and you don’t deserve it) ’cause it’s your fault, it’s your choice — but still, it’s real, you know, that sorrow. That angry frustrated miserable sorrow. Howevs, Bette’s got a serious case of the memememes. She better get her shit together, she’s got like 130 miles left to bike or Dana’s gonna die! Oh wait, JK. Already did. Where’s Papi?

The Kind of Song I Know Cause Mother Sister Lover Worry: Back at the campsite, Max tells Bette that Tom & Jodi left already. What Max means by this is: “Bitch, why’d you have to make all that drama? Now I’m gonna have to do myself up my own butt. Vibrators aren’t free.” This music is seriously tearing out my heartstrings.

“I’m on the other side of where our lives used to be
And I can feel alright about whatever’s good for me

Baby I wanna go back
You were supposed to come with me
All I ever wanted was to be with you
You were supposed to come with me.”
-“The Other Side,” Rachel Yamagata

I feel like they had way more fun on the way there. Everyone’s pussy must be really sore now, especially Jenny’s ’cause she’s probs a bit irritated from having that strap-on harness rubbed up against her pelvis for thirty minutes last night.

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The Round-Up
Lesbian Squabbles: 2 this episode, 31 total
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 3 this episode, 33 total
Quote of the Week: Kit
On a Scale of 1 to 10: Actually, quite good.