Back at the reading, it is increasingly clear that Hendrix Fitz woke up today and chose violence. He saddles up behind Angie like a creep about to reach into your breast pocket and steal your pen and begins whispering about how someone broke into his car seven days ago and shattered the window, which cost him $250 to replace.
Angie: “What a terrible inconvenience.”
Hendrix: “I almost reported a theft until I realized only one thing was missing.”
Angie: “What was that?”
Hendrix: “It was that chapbook you made me.”
Angie: [Nods] “A criminal with good taste.”
Hendrix: “Maybe. Or maybe an immature person whose feelings were hurt so they decided to vandalize somebody’s property for no reason.”
God, it’s satisfying when someone who seems like a creep reveals themselves to be a creep. Also, five stars to Angie for this exchange!
Meanwhile, our friends are exhibiting poor audience behavior by loud-whispering constantly during what I’m confident is insufferable prose from a young white man. Bette Porter’s extracting duty-free-procured candy from her purse for Bella. Shane ducks in a little late and Bella’s like, “wow, hot Aunt!” and I’m like “get this girl to The Planet!” Shane and Bette whisper about Tess so we learn that Bette is facing her mistakes and healing and also that Shane feels like she and Tess are not moving forward together.
Next up we have Angelica Porter-Kennard and as she takes the stage and Hendrix shuffles around doing whatever, a look of recognition — that that man is the ex who was loitering around the canned goods at the food bank — slowly forms across the plane of Shane’s face.
We return to the hustle and the bustle of The Aloce Show, where Dani’s composed a stirring apology and Sophie likes it, it just needs to be in Alice’s voice.
Onstage, Alice is zooming around on a baby bicycle wearing a white satin Evil Kinevel pantsuit, overcome with glee at her position in the world and upcoming one-on-one with Rachel Maddow.
Then, Sophie gets the call — sadly for Alice and also for us, Rachel Maddow has cancelled.
Alice reacts by throwing a little tantrum!
“What’s the point of this, really?” Alice scowls. “If you think about this, like I get on stage every week and I try to bring a little joy to everyone, just trying to give a voice to all the queers! And they turn on me? It’s not fucking worth it, okay, just run a fucking clips show for all I care!”
Alice storms off and Dani grabs Sophie by the arm — is she okay? What happens now?
“I’m gonna make a fucking show,” Sophie grits her teeth. Inspirational music begins. My heart stirs to the beat of a different drummer (Sophie). They allegedly only have 45 minutes to construct a new show but that is a lie I refuse to incorporate into my understanding of this episode.
We return to the reading, where Angie is finishing her piece and Hendrix Fitz is gently ushering her off stage and then —
Shane: That’s the guy.
Bette: Who?
Shane: That’s the guy, that’s her ex.
Tina: No no that’s her professor.
Shane: I’m telling you that’s her ex. Bella, is that her ex or is that her professor?
Bella is stumbling over her ums but Tina Kennard cannot wait for Bella’s disclosure, she is moved by the lord to stand up and testify GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY DAUGHTER!
Obviously what she should’ve done was calmly approach him after the reading, man-to-man, to tell him that he is dirt and then Bette Porter could’ve read him to pieces and it would’ve been a very triumphant moment. Alas, in lieu of triumph we have spectacle, because we’re gay and Tina is upset.
Back at The Aloce Show, The Sophie Show is coming together! They’ve gotten Margaret Cho to commit to hosting and apparently filled all the other minutes except for a mere 4-5 empty minutes, aching to be consumed by another special act.
Dani’s got a brilliant idea: Dre. They’ve been working on new material, after all! Just this morning in bed before telling Dani that they loved her!
“I’ve been wanting to do this kind of thing for so fucking long, make this show about bringing in new talent, queer talent,” Sophie says. She’s so stoked! I find this highly relatable! I love Dani and Sophie teaming up on this project!
We return to Misty, Carrie and Finley reaching the apex of this trail hike! I’m loving this for them as characters but also slightly annoyed that the storyline for the only character on the show over a size 10 is about hating healthy food and exercising!
Finley hands Carrie some water with surprise green health powder in it and Carrie has had enough of Mr Doctor Health McDuck! She would like her water clear “like everyone does” and she’d like her eggs to be eggs, not tofu, and Finley’s driving her a little crazy!
Finley: “I thought I lost ya and it was really fucking scary!”
Carrie: “I know.”
Finley: “I just — I don’t wanna lose you, I love ya. Not in a gay way. I mean, you know, we’re both gay but—”
Carrie: “Yeah, I totally get that. I love you too. A lot. Now will you help me get down this fucking hill?”
I can’t really replicate the delivery of the “in a gay way” dialogue by just typing it into this box but trust me, it was funny.
Misty tells Carrie that she likes her in a gay way and they set off down the canyon as the camera drone sails into the sky, revealing the full glory of this scene: the dusky pastels, the old Hollywood sign, the winding path, the hills dotted with parched shrubbery and my absolute favorite family of all time making their way back down the trail and probably eventually to the parking lot where they can pay $5 for the privilege of living here.
Believe it or not, Angie was not wild about how Tina chose to handle the revelation that she has been doing squat thrusts in the cucumber patch with Hendrix Fitz.
Squabble #15: Hot for Teacher
In the Ring: Angie vs. Bette & Tina
Content: Why didn’t Angie tell Tina and Bette? Why didn’t Angie tell Shane?
(THANK YOU SHANE I HAD THE SAME QUESTION! Ultimately, I think last week’s scenes needed to have been written or directed differently to make it clear Angie was intentionally obscuring this information from Shane — she could’ve stumbled over her words more, started a sentence and then stopped midway, told Shane he thought they’d get back together “after the semester” and then quickly corrected herself to attribute a non-educational-system-related time period to his plans for their relationship. A quick fix and a clarifying one!)
Tina says she’s gonna get a condo next to Angie’s dorm. Bette says btw it’s his fault and not Angie’s, they’re not blaming Angie. Tina says he took advantage of her. Angie insists that’s not true, she wanted it every step of the way, it was her choice. Tina says Angie will see it later when she’s older, which’s basically just like throwing dirt into a hole, telling that to a teenager.
Shane asks, “how old is this guy? 27?” and this is when Angie yells, “This is exactly why I don’t tell you anything! You’re all acting like fucking hypocrites! Like you’ve never fallen in love with someone that you shouldn’t? It’s fucking bullshit!”
Time freezes for a moment as Shane thinks about Cherie Jaffe (married closeted society wife); Bette thinks about Nadia (her TA at this very University) and Jodi (her employee at this very university) and Felicity (her married employee at the Office of Cultural Affairs); and Tina thinks about Daddyof2 (you remember).
So they take it down a notch. Bette and Tina both say “okay” a lot. Bette suggests they just go to dinner. Angie doesn’t want to go to dinner with these losers!
Who Wins? Bette for exuding calm and confidence in the face of unspeakable adversity.
And then Angie’s onto her next fight of the evening!
Squabble #16: So What I Lied, I Lied To Me Too
In the Ring: Angie vs. Bella
Content: Angie complains that her parents are treating her like a kid and misjudging the situation. She’s relied on Bella, all this time, to be on her side — but she’s not, after all. She sort of thinks that Angie’s Moms and Hot Uncle Shane are right:
Bella: I just mean… um… I think it’s weird. On his side. Not on yours.
Angie: How? I was the one that kissed him. I was the one who told him that it was okay. Do you understand what I’m saying? He was the one that wanted to get out of it. I don’t wanna seem like a fucking kid that doesn’t know what she wants ’cause that is not the truth.
Bella: I know! I am on your side! I am on your side. I just — he has all the power.
Angie: Okay whatever.
Bella: That’s real.
Who Wins? Bella.
Angie takes her bag and storms off, but my hope for an Angie/Bella love confession remains.
We then return to Chez Alice, where Alice is complaining to herself about getting cancelled when she realizes that her emotional support kitten — Piddles Junior, Mr P, Little Pee Pee, etc — is nowhere to be found! She clocks the window she’d cracked to counterbalance the litter box smell. The kitten has escaped!
