Our first musical number, “Have a Nice Trip,” invites our heroines to have a nice trip, get lost, find themselves, chillax, let go of fear because it’s all in their head, fly high, not say goodbye, and see each other on the other side! It’s so fun!
Together our three intrepid self-explorers are ready to head off into wherever the drugs may take them, which is the same attitude with which I approached my twenties and let’s be honest also my thirties.
Shane wakes up on what I first thought was the set of Riverdale but turns out to be the set of Boardwalk Empire, where she’s a trusty sailor in her pants with lots of sailor friends who’re thrilled about the night’s big event: the legendary Tess Van De Berg is performing at the Dana Fairbanks Manifestation Tavern.
Many illustrious women are tempting Shane but Shane’s (mostly) looking for Tess.
“Hey there, sailor,” Tess saddles up to Shane at the bar.
“I came a long way to hear you sing,” Shane says like a little boy who just pulled up to Wally World.
The show doesn’t start ’til eight but Shane can buy Tess a drink because in fantasy world Tess drinks, which is weird and I don’t love it but okay!
Shane acquires a vat of beer bigger than my dog and everybody is stomping and clapping and then Shane’s pounding on the counter and she invites Tess to join her on the dance floor. I can only understand about 30% of the lyrics but I’m 100% certain the refrain contains the term “Bottoms Up” and is therefore obviously a tribute to Tess, a bottom.
Shane’s trying to mosey her way into Tess’s arms but her moves are thwarted by butch sailors and hot dancing girls who wanna tie Shane to a chair and then wanna make her the captain of the whole ship!
Shane and Tess are tossed from dance partner to dance partner and honestly they’re both having a pretty great time with it all (as am I), but they still keep turning back to each other. At last, Shane grabs Tess by the wrist. “Let’s go,” she says, pulling Tess out of the mayhem and into the night. Maybe she’s gonna go show Tess the second bar!
As the door to Dana’s opens, spilling Tess and Shane out into the night, another door opens for Sophie: she’s landed herself on the set of a ’50s sitcom entitled “Finley’s Home!” It’s an invigorating family show starring beloved patriarch Finley and his wife, Sophie. “I guess I’m married,” Sophie says. “I should probably be in the kitchen.” Laugh track!
Sophie’s a whiz in the kitchen who’s not quite so good at talking or thinking, at least according to dear old Finley! On today’s episode, Finley’s boss and his wife are coming over and Finley’s aiming to charm her way into a promotion. There’s just one pesky little problem: her silly wife Sophie! Luckily, our man Finley’s got a whizbang solution: she’s told ’em Sophie’s got laryngitis.
Micah and Maribel arrive and toss their outerclothes on Sophie like she’s a coatrack! Also, the turkey’s basting! This is great news for Micah and Maribel ’cause a turkey baster is all you need to have a baby, according to a lesbian in a 1985 video I saw on TikTok.
But Finley the actor isn’t feeling it — she calls an abrupt CUT, complaining that Sophie’s not landing any of her jokes. Sophie doesn’t get why it’s funny for her husband to silence her. Micah and Maribel add to the pile-on:
Maribel: “I had lines that were stepped on!”
Micah: “I need more motivation to walk through the door.”
In charge of all this retrograde retconning ballyhoo is a very debonair Dani, who looks frankly hot as f*ck in her vest and her suit pants, and she insists to her #1 star Finley that it’s her show, she’s the star, it’s all about her!
Finley: “It doesn’t feel that way. It doesn’t feel that way at all.”
Dani: “It is. It’s all about Finley.”
And then, Finley dips Dani hard and plants a kiss directly on her lovely mouth.
I think the underlying message here is that whether it’s Dani or Finley, somebody’s always pulling the strings of Sophie’s life. I feel like we’re one theoretical minute away from a cover of “Cellophane Man” and also me screaming.
We then hop into our DeLoreans and fast forward into what feels like the 1980s to me, where the set of The Aloce Show has been transformed into the set of NAME THAT FLAW!!!
Name That Flaw is hosted by Drag Race / We’re Here‘s Eureka O’Hara!
Here’s how you play the game: Eureka shows Alice a headshot of someone she recently dated, and Alice has to accurately assess their flaws!
First up…
Alice says he was too conventional and wanted to get married too fast! The host declares her correct and I, too, nod in agreement ’cause this happened offscreen so I simply must trust Alice’s testimony of her own life. #Believewomen.
Alice says Taylor didn’t like her enough! The host declares her correct and I mostly agree but also I believe Taylor said she wanted to “slow things down” and not be exclusive quite yet but instead of processing that request, their little romance was instead immediately squashed, which saddened me deeply.
Alice says “that’s complicated,” and after some consideration, declares: “Gigi! The answer is Gigi!” The drag queen host says “the answer is ALWAYS Gigi” which is only true if the question is “who do we need back on this show ASAP” and “who is the hottest babe of them all???” The correct answer to the Nat question would be “Nat wanted to be polyamorous and Alice did not.”
Nobody cares about this person but sure let’s do it — Alice finally lands on “Coachella!” and the host declares her correct and I agree in spirit.
And then… the tables turn. Next up?
“What are your exes saying about you, Alice,” asks Eureka.”Why are you undateable?”
Alice is stumped, and makes the fatal mistake of asking the audience, who’ve got more drags for Alice than a race: You think you’re better than everyone! You don’t rinse your yogurt container before you recycle it!
Finally, Alice lands on, “I push people away!” and this is apparently correct?
In addition to winning a gorgeous house already outfitted with several stunning sets of furniture straight out of the 1985 Sears catalog, Alice wins her DREAM PARTNER. Alice turns to the stage as it splits apart and there, beyond the barricade, there is a world she longs to see!
“It’s you!” Alice says.
“Who else would it be?” Dana asks.
And then, Alice and Dana begin to sing about their dream life, which involves the two of them being together forever with a wild organic garden and a cat tree!
“Do we have kids?” Alice croons.
“No we have cat — sitters ’cause we just travel the world,” Dana replies.
“With our celebrity friends!” Alice adds.
They sing about being home together, ordering Postmates and lying on the couch, Alice proofreading Dana’s emails, Dana laughing at her bad jokes, having sex in costumes, singing the wrong words! It’s campy. It’s perfect. I love it when Leisha sings. I had a nice time.
As this epic number comes to its end, Alice has only one question: “Dana, can I kiss you?”
And Dana says yes, and they do!
Unfortunately Mr. Piddles is … nowhere to be found?
