Tess is at home looking amazing and saying goodbye to Peppermint Patty before heading to The Aloce Show. Unless she lives literally next door she is definitely going to miss the show in its entirety. They dance and I feel like this is a very sweet mother-daughter moment but honestly I kind of zoned out

Tess in a leather jacket dancing with her Mom in a drapey robe
C’mere there’s plenty of room for both of us under this drape

While Tess is being a sweet, caring daughter to her ill mother, Shane is getting into some trouble! Ivy’s taking Shane deep into the bowels of The Aloce Show because it’s Cheat O’Clock for Shane. Ivy keeps putting out signals and Shane keeps trying to maintain the vibe without upping it, like she’s not gonna help row the boat but she’s not getting out of the boat either. And then, Shane says she was following Ivy’s lead with Taylor back there and then…

Shane and Ivy hooking up in the blue room

Lesbian Sexy Moment #3: All the Pretty Girls In The World But I’m in This Space With You
The Players: Shane and Ivy

The Pick Up: “Come with me.”

Shane pauses outside the door Ivy has just disappeared behind for ~2 seconds before resigning to the undoubtedly magnetic force that would compel anybody to follow Kehlani probably anywhere, like off a cliff probably? So then Ivy’s in this blue-lit room, taking off her shirt, her back against the wall like the wall built itself just for her shoulderblades to graze it, waiting, and Shane walks at her, tucks her hair behind her ear, runs her hand along her face and puts her mouth on her mouth and we are off! Shane lifts Ivy onto the table, slides her hands under Ivy’s shirt and flips her around, Ivy arcing against her and gradually bending over as Shane helps her get out of those pants so Shane can get into them and then — 


We are back upstairs where nobody is having a sex scene! Instead, Dani’s challenging Gigi to tell her what’s going on between her and Nat, which forces Gigi to confess that their lips did in fact make contact in the ambulance.

Dani vs Gigi

Lesbian Squabble #7: Over and Out

In the Ring: Dani vs. Gigi

Content:

Dani: “What we have is good, why are you doing this.”
Gigi: “We have a good thing… I’m just confused.”
Dani: “You’re confused?”
Me: (I am also confused)
Gigi: “When I got hit, I … I saw Nat and the kids.”
Dani. “And not me?”
Gigi: “I don’t know what it means, that’s why I’m telling you!”
Dani: “What are you saying to me right now?”
Gigi: “I don’t know, I need time.”
Dani: “Okay. You take your time. I’m done.”

I’m sorry but what!!! A 15-month relationship has just ended backstage at The Aloce Show???? Is Gigi gonna fight for this? Make a grand gesture like running into traffic or a Promposal in a fountain??? The only potential upside here is that, as we saw in Season Two, single Dani is really delightfully chaotic. But I also need Gigi to stay on the show for personal reasons

Who Wins? Sapphic chaos?


Back at The Aloce Show it’s time for the big finale question: Why Do You Wanna Date Me?

Alice in her orange suit in a funny chair doing a shrug and Margaret Cho smiling at her from a stool
I mean, personally I loved Fire Island

Alleged Animal Rescue Man: “What’s not to love?”
Cold Storage NFT: “Smart, sexy and beautiful: the full package.”
Taylor: “They promised me a coffee mug if I did the show, so… the free mug?”

I’m sorry but those were terrible answers and at least Taylor made a good joke, congratulations to Taylor!

Alice, margaret Cho and Taylor in front of the audience surrounded by confetti screaming
WE JUST DID POPPERS

Alice: “You’re funny!”
Taylor: “For a regular gal, yeah.”


Despite the new love blooming in this warm studio audience, it’s a different story outdoors: Gigi’s sitting in Nat’s car, feeling sad about Dani, unsure of what to do next.

Gigi and Nat are sitting in her car
Do you wanna just pop on some 2008 Tegan and Sara and get really into our broken-heart feelings

Gigi: “You should really let me drive.”
Nat: “Oh I only had a few sips.”
Gigi: “No I just mean you’re a really bad driver.”

LOL as if anybody on this show cares if anybody drinks and drives unless it’s Finley! But before these two lifelong lovers can pull out of the lot, Dani emerges from the murky background with a bag of oranges and a grudge. Which of course reminds me of my Queen Jenny Schecter:

Jenny throwing a wine bottle at Francesca & Marina / Dani throwing oranges at Gigi + Nat
Two ways of throwing an object at a window behind which exists your girlfriend and her other girlfriend

Dani’s hurling the oranges at Nat’s car with a mean pitching arm that Carson Shaw should definitely take a look at. Gigi and Nat are freaking out, Nat says that bag of oranges cost three dollars which is impossible, oranges cost three dollars each in Los Angeles these days, Nat screams: “That was for my ex! I mean, OUR ex!” and while I hate this breakup, I did enjoy this scene! A lot of vehicular trauma for Gigi this month.


Some ambiguous period of time later, Sophie finds Dani sitting in the hallway eating the oranges like a kid who broke his ankle in the first quarter of the soccer game and is now stuck on the bench eating leftover oranges from halftime.

Dani sitting on the ground with a bunch of oranges in her mouth
“Don’t spoil your appetite” okay whatever COLE

Sophie sits down next to Dani in a supportive, friendly manner.

“This is the second time that the person I want to marry ran off with someone else,” Dani says.

Sophie tells her she’s gonna be okay — she’s got this, she’ll bounce back, Dani is the most together person Sophie knows. “Not anymore,” Dani says. “Turns out that’s you.”

But that’s not true, either — is it ever true? It’s rare any of us really have it any more together than our exes, it just seems that way because everything always seems better when you can’t see all the way inside it.

Sophie leaning against the wall next to Dani
If it’d make you feel any better I can teach you how to speak the language of the manatees

Sophie invites Dani over and Dani’s like, “are you trying to get back together with me?” and Sophie is like absolutely not no way!!!


Elsewhere in this spacious building on the Paramount Lot, The Aloce Team is celebrating the wrap of their one-hundredth episode with day-drinking, and Alice cozies up to the Liberated Coffee Cart to get this date with Taylor on the books. Taylor’s simply unable to fathom the possibility that Alice has a genuine interest in her; like it’s categorically impossible because Alice is a famous and Taylor’s just an innocent aspiring coffee artist from the Great American Midwest. What she doesn’t realize is that Alice recently had to tell a Gen Z TikTok star not to livestream their sex scene and then almost did oral with a NXIVM cult member so she is actively seeking something a little more low-key.

Taylor in a flannel shirt, cutely pointing at Alice
Wait okay so we covered that I was in Chasing Amy and Mallrats and Dazed and Confused but aren’t you the pink-haired girl from All Over Me
Alice in her suit and a big yellow blazer and tie, looking goofy
Guilty as charged

Alice explains that she is a person of Dating a Famous experience:

Alice: “I’ve been you. A long time ago I dated someone famous when I wasn’t, but I’m just a person. And I like your weird sense of humor.”
Taylor: “You know that’s not the compliment I think you think it is.”
Alice: “And you’re cute.”
Taylor: “Well, I can’t speak to that one so much.”
Me, ruining the vibe: “Also the famous person Alice dated is dead now”

Alice is like come on, one date. One regular date! What do you think??? I think yes!!! Taylor thinks yes too! Get these two a ship we are ready to set sail!!!


Great news for I guess nobody at this point — Tess has arrived!!! Sophie’s walking down that basement hallway with Tess — you know, the hallway where Ivy recently lead Shane into her secret underground bunker of sex and candy. Tess doesn’t ask what on earth Shane was doing down there when she emerges from said bunker — she’s too wrapped up in apologizing for being late and for snapping at Shane earlier.

TEss smiling at Shane
I had a really good idea for Bar Number Two on my drive over here
Shane talking to Tess
Burn it down?

“All is forgiven,” Shane says, because she just banged Ivy. Tess wants to stay for the party but Shane’s exhausted from railing Ivy and would like to just go home. Tess agrees, naively, and once they’re safely off-screen, here comes Ivy, still re-dressing herself:

Ivy in the hallway buttoning up her top
Shane did my hair, what do you think
Sophie in the hallway wincing and looking back
Did your hair or… did… you…?

Sophie clocked Shane and Ivy heading downstairs together earlier, and now she clocks this, and doesn’t know what to do about any of it besides to swallow and wince.


Back at FiSoMiMar’s, Finley’s happy as a clam, eagerly preparing a Romantic Dinner of Charred Chicken to celebrate her college application submission and Sophie’s completion of Alice’s 100th Episode!!!

“That steak looks amazing,” Micah says about Finley’s chicken.

micah in the kitchen holding water bottle
Honestly I recommend using a celery or cucumber base for most juices if you really want to start your day with some major nutrients

Sophie arrives and is immediately embraced by her one true love, Finley, who suggests this romantic dinner could be followed up by perhaps another sex scene because the series has been really short on sex scenes this season but before we can get too deep into that possibility, Dani enters behind Sophie, looking a little surly, sheepish and hot:

Dani: “Figured I’d come piss in your hallway for a change.”
Finley: “I mean, if that’d be helpful, by all means, please do.”

Dani suggests a truce, because there’s nothing that helps you move past the drama of a past failed relationship like having new drama from a subsequent failed relationship!

Finley and Sophie talking to Dani
C’monnn don’t act like you NEVER brought up piss play
Dani making a face walking into Sophie & Finley's
I… don’t think that was me

Micah circles back: now that Dani’s already ruined Romantic Date Night, he’s automatically re-invited to the gathering. And just like that, the original Gen Q Four are reunited, just like the Final Five cylons! They gather around a table in a home where they once shared a rocky little life and now they must prepare to re-forge their friendships in time for Micah and Maribel to have a baby they need babysat.

sohpie, micah, finley and dani gather around the table
Boil Boil Toil and Trouble

And that’s a wrap!


The Round-Up:

Sex Scenes: 1 this episode, 3 total
Squabbles: 2 this episode, 7 Total
Quote of the Week: “”Figured I’d come piss in your hallway for a change.” – Dani