After class, Angie hangs back at Hendrix’s request and she cutely rambles to him about how she’s so sorry she kissed him, she’d just broken up with her first girlfriend and her Moms were getting back together and it’s no problem she’ll totally drop the class!

angie looking surprised
No I didn’t read “We Do What We Do in the Dark” why are you asking

He doesn’t say that they definitely won’t kiss again and they definitely do eye each other covetously as Angie exits the room, and wow the Porter-Kennard Moms got out of town just in time, huh! This man is insisting Angie remain in the class, which is a terrible and unprofessional decision for a real-life scenario and a wonderful decision for a dramatic television program.


Back at The Aloce Show, Shane’s gifting Ivy a box of vintage Shane for Wax supplies. Ivy’s attempting to seduce Shane by shoving her fingers in a container of pomade and you know what, it’s working.

Kehlani talking to Shane
Not to be super weird but that picture of you in the jean jacket vest from the Season Two promo shoot was my desktop background for a solid chunk of the mid-aughts and it’s how I came out to my boyfriend
Shane talking to Kehlani
It was a very popular photograph

Dani leads Gigi and Nat to their sofa in the back of The Aloce Show‘s Studio Audience and asks if they need anything and is clearly taken aback by Nat actually requesting champagne, because Dani doesn’t want to give Nat anything besides maybe a banana cream pie in the face. Then Nat extracts a bountiful bag of oranges from her magical purse — it’s a gift, for Alice, ’cause the roadside stand was out of flowers! Dani hates it.

Dani holding the bag of oranges that Nat just handed to her
If you want fresh-squeezed orange juice for a makeshift mimosa you’re gonna have to squeeze your own oranges, lady

Now that Dani’s off on her Taskrabbit errand, Gigi has big news for Nat: in the moment of her accident, when her entire life flashed before her eyes, she did not for some reason see that sex scene in the back of Dana’s with Alice. Instead:

Gigi: “The way they say your life flashes before your eyes, I saw you and the kids. My family.”
Nat: “I’m sure it was just the adrenaline.”

Dani drops off the champagne and no cups. Luckily, Nat’s got a reusable straw!


Back at the gutted Jenny Schecter Memorial Tavern, Tess’s sponsee has arrived and IT’S CARRIE!!!

Carrie talking to Finley
Riddle me this: a man who was outside in the rain without an umbrella or hat didn’t get a single hair on his head wet. Why?

Finley looking interested

Firstly:

Carrie: “You know Tess described you perfectly. Leonardo DiCaprio from Romeo and Juliet, and with the hair and everything I totally see it —
Finley: “Wow that is weirdly the nicest thing anybody’s ever said to me,” Finley pauses. “Wow I must be on some kind of gender journey, huh?”
Carrie: “I wouldn’t know enough about that to say.”

Having a crush on Leonardo DiCaprio from Romeo & Juliet was my entire personality in 1996 so; can confirm, although the hair color is key!

Carrie tells Finley that she hit rock bottom after a tsunami of depression incited by the galaxy-shifting reunion of Bette and Tina (which technically happened like… last week, since allegedly Bette and Tina had been out of touch for the entire year proceeding Season Three, and it seems like Carrie’s suggesting the tsunami began a year ago when Tina left her rather than last week but okay!) and now Tess is her sponsor. But also, she’s gotta pee, and she heads over to Dana’s and immediately plows head first into the bathroom door, which is being exited by Misty the Plumber.

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Carrie leaning back with a bloody nose
Fuck I haven’t done that much cocaine since I was best friends with Madonna

Luckily, Misty has seen Sex and the City and patches Carrie up just like Miranda’s hot boyfriend did for Steve:

Steve with tampons in his nose / Carrie with tampons in her nose

Finley pops in to see what the delay is on their Big Book Bash and clocks this supreme First Aid Accomplishment. Misty says there’s no toilet paper in the entire bathroom, which Finley immediately confesses was definitely her fault. I am concerned about if Carrie peed her pants or not.


Back at The Aloce Show, Nat’s attempting to enjoy sipping from her champagne with a metal straw but Gigi is dead set on discussing her post-crash vision. Like: what does Nat think it means? I think it means that Nat is the mother of Gigi’s children and Gigi should stick it out with Dani because somebody really needs to give Dani a break. Nat attempts to play it down — while Gigi maintains a top spot in her heart, she’s not here to cause a breakup.

Nat talking intensely to Nat
So then she shows Harper the picture of her kids, right, and her kids have blond hair and blue eyes, just like the trainer—

Apropos of nothing, it is revealed that Nat and Gigi met when they were 18 and 19, which is brand new info that honestly surprises me quite a bit!


Sophie’s in crisis and needs Dani’s help!!!

“Why don’t you carry your own tampons?” Dani asks. I laughed!

Sophie talking to Dani, Dani on her phone
Dammit “Glee Cast” is my number one artist of the year again, there’s no way I can share this on social

The true source of Sophie’s distress is, however, that one of the dating game contestants has boozed themselves into a messy stupor and she’s gotta replace this sloppy mess with a brand new potential soulmate. Dani refuses to assist, she is too busy placing 1-2 oranges at various locations throughout the vicinity, which’ll likely attract a herd of spider monkeys who will eat all of our ears and then we’ll all die, just like Bette Porter said we would.

Dani, busy not helping, peeks behind the curtain into the audience, where she sees Gigi and Nat… holding hands??? WHAT IS GOING ON

Dani looking through the curtain
Just need to check real quick if my girlfriend is reuniting with her ex-wife due to a post-crash vision she is putting way too much stock into

Gigi and Nat holding hands on the couch

dani closing the curtain
Oh fuck

And just like that, all the blood drains right out of Dani’s body. She’s been betrayed before and missed all the signs but now here she is and this is more than she can rationally handle.


Back at the Glam Squad Stand, Ivy’s telling Shane she needs a revamp ’cause she’s been out of the dating game for two years after birthing offspring and subsequently caring for said child and so far she’s been uninspired by her dating app experiences. “Those dating apps, yeah,” says Shane, who for sure has never been on a dating app because she is a babe magnet.

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“She is everything and she’s also sucked me dry,” says Ivy of her probably cute baby she should show us all pictures of already!!!! “I just don’t feel like myself all the way.”

Kehlani thinking at the hair stand
And then I was like, listen, I have a one-year-old child, I don’t know who Becky or her t-shirt is

Ivy says she just wants to “get back on that horse,” which is convenient because earlier today Shane was practicing how to ride that pony.

Great news, huge surprise: Liberated Coffee Taylor’s been recruited to be the third contestant on The Dating Game, which’s great news for coffee and liberation. This also gives Ivy and Shane a little group activity; a four-minute makeover. Whomever wins this Top Model Challenge will get a $5,000 chocolate pearl necklace and a 2012 Ford Focus!

Shane futzing with Taylor's hair in the mirror
Why is everything that happens in the studio of this show so erotically charged I wonder

Apologies that I have deviated from the main event of the main event: The Aloce Show‘s 100th Episode! It’s well underway and Alice looks fantastic…

Alice on stage holding up her fingers
And then I banged Gigi and Nat at the same time!

Living legend Margaret Cho is here…

Margaret Cho coming onto stage with her arms outstretched
HELLO MY NAME IS GWEN AND I AM HERE TO WASH YOUR VAGINA!!!!!!!!

… and Contestant Number One is claiming to be a veterinarian who rescues animals from natural disasters and I would sooner marry a plastic fork because a plastic fork would never lie to me

White man with a beard holding a microphone and speaking
And then I commented on this professional dancer’s TIkTok, “okay anybody can do that dance standing still, but the red beret girl did it while dancing down the hallway” —

Gigi attempts to head home but is blocked by her girlfriend, Dani, who must know immediately why her and Nat were having finger-sex in the audience of a live TV show surrounded by cameras!!!

Gigi: We can talk more later.
Dani: I’d like to talk about it now.

Gigi looking like "what did i do"
Is Nat standing right behind me now holding a small enchanted satchel that could transport all of us to a world of pure imagination
Dani looking frustrated
That does appear to be the case, yes.
Nat waiting in the wings
🎵 We’ll begin with a spin 🎵

Contestant number two is hot, but she runs a cold storage start-up for NFTs which is also incredibly suspicious and I’m concerned for Alice’s future. She says her most embarrassing moment was throwing up on the first car of a roller coaster on a first date, which is really not that embarrassing!

Attractive woman on the mike
What I need you to understand today is that vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage

It would’ve been cute if suddenly Contestant Number Three was Tasha, but anyhow! Backstage, Shane and Ivy are worked their magic on Taylor so she’s totally camera-ready! Also a group of small helpful mice have sewed her a gorgeous chambray blazer and then tailored it to fit her body. Tailored for Taylor! Get it? I’m turning into Finley.

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Taylor says she’s from Normal, Illinois and her most embarrassing moment is this moment right now!!

Taylor on the microphone
And I’ve got a very weird feeling we’ve both slept with the same vampire

“That voice sounds so familiar,” Alice says. Probably Alice saw Mallrats!!!


We then return to the Jenny Shecter Memorial Fixer-Upper, where Finley and Carrie are swapping war stories. Finley tells Carrie she once drank a bottle of Goldschläger and moved from Kansas City to Los Angeles, because being drunk helped her do shit she wouldn’t have done otherwise. I can relate ’cause once upon a time in the mid-00s, I drank two bottles of wine and ruined my relationship, which I don’t think I would’ve done otherwise.

Finley sitting in a folding chair, arms crossed
C’mon, just open up your mouth a crack and let me toss a junior mint in there

Carrie with her mouth in an "O"

Carrie correctly informs Finley she’s gotta submit her college app or she’s gonna regret it for her entire life! The Olive Garden’s Culinary Institute of Tuscany will probably not be around forever, if it even is still around at all, and who knows when in her matriculation journey she’ll be able to study abroad.

Then Misty pops in to announce her Plumber Project’s completion. Misty and Carrie exchange some witty banter, and Finley clocks the connection.

Plumber in a worksuit
If you’re in the mood I know a great place around the corner that makes these very miniature cheeseburgers

“You ask her out, I’ll send in my college application!” Finley barters.

Carrie dashes right out of that shack into the glorious afternoon to propose to Misty and Finley sends in her college application!

Finley holding her hands over her mouth after sending her application in, laptop on her lap
Oh FUCK I think I just sent that picture of me and Jan at Sandals to the entire office

Carrie returns to announce she asked Misty out and has now somehow joined her bowling league, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter! This is an accurate representation of gay recreational sports leagues in Los Angeles.