At last, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: a Las Vegas Themed MS Society Fundraiser at The Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern! Tess opens the Silent Auction with a head-to-toe makeover from The Aloce Show’s Glam Squad, before Dani ushers Tess offstage to confer about the evening’s prospective revenue pull — they need $5k to break even but me and Dani are confident this figure will be handily exceeded. I think $5k is probably like, Bette’s monthly Erewhon budget.
Over at the bar, Alice and Shane relay to Tina that Bette and Pippa are simply friends now, that Bette apologized to Pippa and somehow this apology went well. The New Bette!!!
Tina shares that this isn’t the case with Carrie — Carrie’s shut Tina out like a cold potato on a hot winter evening. And then who should arrive at the event than the one and only Bette Serenity Porter: breezy, beautiful, wearing an off-the-shoulder situation and a smile.
“It’s nice to see you out in the world,” Bette says to Tina like it’s a wink.
“Same,” Tina volleys.
“Same,” Alice sips her drink.
Just directly outside the bustling venue, Dani approves of Micah’s ring for Maribel and expresses lament regarding Gigi’s insistence on checking in with Nat prior to signing a lease with her beloved hottie girlfriend.
Inside, Maribel’s got a complaint: Finley’s back and Mari thinks Sophie’s gonna be in trouble. Sophie says she’s so happy, bro! Maribel says Finley ruined Sophie’s wedding. I disagree, I think Finley’s cameo at the wedding was a thrilling dramatic twist that saved all of us from Dani and Sophie’s doomed union and in turn enabled us all to eventually witness something extraordinary: Gigi and Dani making out. It is true that Finley peed in Dani’s hallway, but, in Finley’s defense, there’s a severe lack of public restrooms in this municipality! Maribel thinks Finley and Sophie are toxic together, but Sophie says actually Finley has changed and is so good for real.
Meanwhile, Finley’s hovering in the backroom of Dana’s Memorial Tavern preparing to spring her amends upon Shane and Tess without warning or requesting an ideal time in which to do so! They arrive and Finley’s barely gotten into apologizing for being drunk before work, during work and after work, when Shane interrupts to acknowledge that she also is often drunk before, during and after work JUST KIDDING LOL!!!!! Shane interrupts to say that Finley’s got nothing to be sorry for and Tess agrees that Finley’s family and you know what they say about family: “family has nothing to be sorry for.” Tess really should know that it’s important for Finley to perform her entire amends from top to bottom but I will let it go because we’re all going to die so what’s a little bumper.
Then, Shane and Tess immediately invite the newly-sober Finley to return to work AT A BAR and rather than being terrified by this prospect, Finley’s absolutely ecstatic. Hopefully they can just schedule her for day shifts! Also, Finley would love to speak about benefits!
At last alone in this in-between room, Shane feels a mysterious tug towards the back room, like the lion and the witch towards the wardrobe. Will she take a peak behind the curtain? Indeed she will! Then, like a very hot moth fleeing a bright burning flame, Ivy (Kehlani) emerges from the mayhem, and approaches the door Shane’s gazing through.
Unfortunately, Ivy doesn’t tug Shane backwards into her chamber of mystery and magic, she shuts the door right in her face.
Back on the floor of the Memorial Tavern, Bette and Tina are settling back into each other in the way you can with somebody who’s known you for all of your adult life — talking about Tina’s show which just got picked up for its ninth season, on-set drama, and Tina’s noted skills at putting out fires.
Meanwhile on the other end of the spectrum, Teddy is rambling to a very bored Alice — “my for you page really thinks I’m a poly pan queer in a long distance relationship” — when they’re interrupted by Shane who would like Alice to take note of Bette and Tina speaking amicably at the bar. Teddy starts speaking astrology to Shane who’s deeply uninterested and probably hasn’t even been bullied into joining Co-Star.
Next up is Finley, who Alice insists should stop venoming her weird amounts of money but Finey says she’s gotta pay her back for rehab!
Then Finley grabs Dani — Dani who is literally at work — and asks if now is a good time to talk. Dani says it’s not a good time to talk. Finley asks when a better time to talk would be. Dani thinks about it and then relays “never.” Which brings us to our first lesbian squabble!
Lesbian Squabble #1: The Worst Amendment
In the Ring: Finley vs. Dani
You’re not supposed to do amends with people who don’t consent to receiving them, and yet here Finley is, insisting Dani receive her amends at a time of Finley’s choosing!
“I’m just trying to apologize,” Finley manages and Dani reiterates the bad timing and location for this interaction. “You still think that what I want somehow matters less than what you want,” Dani hits back. Finley insists that’s no longer the case, but Dani keeps going:
Dani: “You know, I don’t think you’re cute.”
Finley: “That’s always been pretty clear.”
Dani: “And I don’t think you’re charming.”
Finley: “Sure but uh—”
Dani: “I think you’re fucking annoying!”
Finley: “Okay maybe if you just gave me a second—”
Dani: “What the fuck is wrong with you? I literally just said no!!!”
Who Wins? Dani.
Along with everybody present in the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern this evening, Tess notices the scuffle. She feels responsible for Finley, somehow — because she worked for Tess, because she’s been there, because she knows how raw Finley still is — and knows this is an ill-advised adventure. She summarily ends the interaction.
Once Finley is safely removed from Dani’s vicinity, Dani recalibrates: enthuses that they’ve raised seven thousand dollars, an apparently impressive amount of money, emphasized by Ari and Jamie trying their absolute best to say SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS together like America’s Next Top Model contestants.
Back outside, Finley’s taking a breather on her favorite place to sit after having an awkward interaction with Dani Núñez: the curb. Sophie’s already on Finley’s side, asking what Dani did to upset her, and Finley at least summons the self-awareness to push back, with her newfound interior reflection skills: “I’ve gotta think about my own part in this.” It was too soon, Finley acknowledges, Dani wasn’t ready.
Sophie says Finley’s cute when she’s serious and smoking her little Juul and Finley’s got an idea for where they could go and potentially have slightly more fun than they’re currently having. They dash off into the night, giddy and alive.
Back inside the vibrant Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern, Ivy’s leaning suggestively on the bar, admiring Shane’s bartender vibes. Ivy wants to apologize for rushing Shane out of the backroom — she didn’t know Shane was Shane, you know? But then she thinks she recognizes Shane from somewhere. I immediately assume they slept together in 2008, but nope! It clicks for Ivy and once it does, she leads Shane into the back to show her something: a jar of Shane for Wax pomade. The product has apparently been discontinued, but Ivy’s been scouring ebay for it and rationing it out for her personal usage.
Ivy wants Shane to style her, and Shane’s deferring in that way she does when she’s attracted to someone but somehow has found herself in yet another long term monogamous relationship, like birds. “C’mon, have some fun with me,” Ivy says seductively. Shane’s “not sure she even remembers how” but Ivy says a talent like Shane’s never goes away.
Shane starts touching her hair, looking into her eyeballs, making suggestions, listening to the atmospheric music laid over this little scene, but when her urge to fingerbang Ivy up against that exposed brick overwhelms her six senses, Shane pulls back.
“You don’t really have to do anything,” Shane concludes, letting go of Ivy’s hair.
Ivy says she’s gonna pack up and relieve her babysitter.
Back in the marketplace, Bette’s taking the stage: she’s auctioning off a work of art from her personal collection and it’s not just any ‘ol deer picture. It’s the Kiki Smith deer picture.
As any L Word expert with 4+ mental illness diagnoses (me) could tell you, we’ve seen this picture before. Specifically, in Episode 303 of the original series, when Bette’s passion project lost its funding, Tina yelled at her about money, and Bette was forced to consider selling some artwork from her personal collection to keep her baby nannied and herself in only the latest and most exclusive meditation caftans. But when Bette called her art dealer (?) to suggest unloading a Maplethorpe, he suggested she sell a Kiki Smith instead. Bette refused because Kiki Smith is one of the first artists Bette ever collected.
And now, the benevolent and evolved Bette Porter is willing to give it all away for whatever the lesbians of Silver Lake can afford in service of the MS Society. One again my friends, we see the new, transformed, Bette 2.0:
The bidding begins at $500, sending Tina into an immediate tizzy, ’cause it’s “worth way more than that.” As the stakes raise to the big One Thousand, Tina steps in with a $10,000 bid. (According to ArtNet, this print is worth $4k-$5k, so FYI Tina’s a generous philanthropist.) Bette eyes her with compassion from the stage, Tina returns her gaze with a shrug: she did what she had to do!
Bette says Tina’s bid was unnecessary but Tina said the picture reminded her, just as it reminded me, of their old house in West Hollywood, and the art Bette refused to part with. This is now Tina’s second time saving Bette from parting with the Kiki Smith, the first time she did it by accepting a job at Helena Peabody’s ultimately notorious incubator for litigious documentarians, Shaolin Pictures. Shane and Alice excuse themselves, only to observe that Bette and Tina are exiting the building… together.
ETA: A commenter has pointed out and I have since confirmed that in fact, Bette did take the Kiki Smith off the wall at the end of Episode 303, and wrapped it in tissue paper, sighing sadly about what did appear to be her decision to sell it.
Soooo…. ?!?!?! Does anybody remember seeing this picture in her house again after this episode?
