It’s time for a mid-afternoon Business Meeting at Kit + Denny’s! The news here is that their little lesbian enterprise is 20% under its revenue targets, despite only having one employee and constantly being packed. Shane loses her damn mind and Tess insists it’s okay, it takes time to turn a profit!
Shane admits she’s tense ’cause she had “a morning” with Quiara. That’s the trouble with XL Mornings, there’s plenty of opportunity for good things to happen… but also for bad things to happen. Tess suggests talking to Quiara instead of rage-accounting, but Shane says she’s got nothing new to say.
Tess: “In my meeting this morning, there was this guy, and he said — imagine someone comes up to you and says that they’re hungry, and you have a sandwich. But you offer them the sandwich, and they say, nah, I’ve had sandwiches before. I want something new. And you’re like, it doesn’t need to be new. Just eat the sandwich.”
Shane: “You want me to eat a sandwich?”
Tess: “No! You have to talk to her.”
I had to think about this for a REALLY long time before I understood it, and I had a nearly-perfect GPA in college. It all hinges on Shane saying she had nothing new to say. That’s my hint for you to decode this extended metaphor. You’re welcome! Tess, btw, reveals that she is three days sober! Well, that storyline wrapped right up?
Micah’s taken his Mom and his elusive boyfriend to Ma’m Sir for some lunch and inappropriate conversation. Mom’s had four cute little gummie bears and is waxing and waning about Micah’s positive qualities, which include being thoughtful and responsible. “If the Cub Scouts were more forward thinking back then, he would’ve made a great Cub Scout,” she enthuses to her less-enthusiastic son.
“He’s very crafty,” stoner Mom gushes. “Ever since he was a little girl!” THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY. Don’t worry, she’s got pictures on her phone and is eager to show them to Jose, who’s like, “TRULY I don’t need to see these.” Mom can’t stop, she’s on a roll! YIKES!
Mom: She was so nervous to have her picture taken but she was great — I’ve got some more!
Micah: Stop! Just stop!
Mom: What?
Micah: Put the fucking picture away!
Mom: I’m just trying to show Jose how cute you were.
Micah: No, no. You always do this.
Mom: No I don’t!
Micah: That little girl’s not here. You know that, Mom. She’s gone.
Micah storms out of the restaurant, trailed by Jose. Micah’s sorry for yelling at lunch but just could not abide! The situation! Jose assures Micah that he sees him, the person in front of him.
Then they tongue kiss on the sidewalk in FULL view of Micah’s mother, who’s probably sitting there feeling pretty proud of her son for getting Ma’am Sir to open for lunch on a weekday, but also sad that she let him down.
We then fly-over some pieces of this fair city and crash-land in Bette’s kitchen, alive with the aromas of a beautiful woman cooking dinner for her ex-wife.
We cut quickly to the dinner date of the century, where topics include taking Angie to the museum and also Tina’s show being on hiatus, freeing up a little sliver in the matrix where Tina’s considering staying in Los Angeles to be closer to her daughter. Bette tells Tina she can stay right here in Bette’s own home! Tina says no thanks.
Tina drops a nuclear bomb on Bette’s dining room table: “Carrie asked me to marry her, and I said yes.” In fact, they’ll be looking for a place of their own in Los Angeles, and Bette would like some more wine but oh the glass is empty and Tina says it happened last week and she wanted to tell Bette in person and Bette would like some more wine but oh the bottle is also empty and Tina would like to talk about how they’ll tell Angie and you know what, Bette’s gonna just get up and go find a new bottle of wine and uncork it why don’t we?
Tina’s predictably terrible idea is that they all tell Angie together — Bette, Tina and Carrie, one big happy family! This is gonna be a terrible follow-up to the “I needed to find myself” conversation. Bette does a bad job of hiding her despair and hurt but Tina knows her well enough to know staying on that surface is crucial to their survival. “I am so happy for you,” Bette lies, choking back tears.
Back at the luxuriously spacious offices of The Aloce Show, Drew’s stopping in for a lil heart-to-heart with his #1 Poppy Fun Lesbian, Alice, who doesn’t deny Drew’s accusation that she was talking about him when she said there were “too many voices” in the writers room: “Of course I was, Drew. Of COURSE I was.”
Drew says he’s gotten shows out of “far worse” and giving the network “a few wins” will be easy-peasy. “I’ve tried to build you a queer sandbox to play in—” he begins, but Alice cannot endure wherever that sentence is going, as expressed in her additional lines of dialogue which attempt to get Drew to stop talking. Drew admits he’s not tapped into her little lady world, but they’ve got one more show and they need to make a viral video and he’s VERY good at viral videos.
Alice gives in. She’s gotta save the show. Your flight path doesn’t matter if you don’t have a plane, you know? Tell me what you’ve got, Drew.
Meanwhile at the Thruple Towers, Nat’s trying to get freebie storytime by lurking on Gigi reading to Lil Eli. “I missed these moments with you,” Nat says after Gigi finishes up her nightly narrative. “And them.” Gigi’s gonna do the only thing characters on this show know how to do when faced with a somewhat complicated and emotionally loaded relationship situation — make some goddamn tea.
Nat and Gigi are both feeling all the feelings, now — Nat wished they hadn’t put the kids through all this, wishes she had tried harder to forgive Gigi, wishes she’d made more space for them to repair. Gigi says it’s okay, but Nat insists that it isn’t.
“We didn’t have to go through all this,” Nat says. But then Gigi takes Nat’s head in her hands and they kiss in slow motion, and then, they begin to — one might say — kiss with a more defined commitment to motion, and then we cut to the bedrooom…
Lesbian Sexy Moment #15: Back in the Saddle Again
The Players: Gigi and Nat
The Pick-Up: “I’m here. I’m here now.”
Hot or Not? Gigi holds Nat’s head like it’s an artifact, touches her cheek like it’s a memory, grabs her hair. The song goes, don’t talk too much let your body talk and they’re like okay. They take off shirts and Gigi’s got her mouth on Nat’s nipples — we get a lot of that, here, a lot of nipples, a lot of nudity in this important scene — and we get more finger sucking and then Gigi fucks Nat and then Gigi goes down on Nat and WOW the lighting is GREAT the cinematography is great I give everybody in this scene several thumbs up, great acting, everybody gets a MacArthur Genius Grant today!!!
If you’ve had enough lesbian sex today, have I got news for you: the hospital is open 24 hours, and Finley and Sophie are still in it, sitting as close together as humanly possible. Every time they touch I can feel it in my bones? What is happening? To me? Sophie’s pissed that Dani never showed up but Finley reminds her that she told Dani not to come. Sophie thinks she should’ve known anyhow. Finley clasps her hand on Sophie’s thigh and swings one of her legs between Sophie’s. Maybe this is a regular part of my life specifically because I am a human giant, but the casual intertwining of legs is just Classic Queer Friends Intimacy that I am resolutely here for. She’s here. She’s here now.
Sophie’s worried Nana might not be okay, and she’ll be left alone holding all the memories they used to share. Finley takes Sophie’s hand and clutches it to her chest while Sophie says Nana can’t die, she still hasn’t taken Sophie to Hawaii and she’s gotta do that before she dies, right? Finley digs deep and makes an offer.
Finley: Hey, you wanna pray with me? It might make you feel better.
Sophie: You don’t have to do that.
Finley: I know. I want to.
Sophie: You sure?
Finley: Yeah. Just you and me. It’s not scary.
Sophie: [cries] Okay! Which ones do you know?
Finley: Oh I know all of ’em.
Sophie: Well. I only pray to the ladies, so.
Finley: Alright. I can do that.
Finley clasps her hands together and starts in with Hail Mary Full of Grace, which sounds very sexy in Jacqueline Toboni’s voice if we’re being honest and I believe (!!!) that we are? Verite’s “Good For It” starts playing to lead us into…
…a trendy restaurant, where Quiara’s waiting for Shane to show up while being recognized by all the people in the restaurant because of her fame.
Tired: being stood up.
Wired: being famous and stood up
Eventually Quiara just can’t stand the attention and whirls out of the restaurant in a fog of frustration where, of course, she finds Shane rushing down the street with no viable explanation for why she was unable to use the text messaging application easily accessible on her iPhone.
Lesbian Squabble #21: Like Horses Sleeping Gently On a Bed of Hay
In the Ring: Shane vs. Quiara
Content: “What the fuck, Shane?” asks Quiara. Shane says today was really hard ’cause she was supposed to feel something when you hear your baby’s heartbeat for the first time but … she didn’t feel anything. “That scares me ’cause I don’t wanna fuck it up,” Shane rushes. Quiara’s not worried. “You’ll feel everything you’re supposed to feel on your own time,” she assures her. Problem resolved! Barely even a squabble! But … I already made the graphic.
Who Wins? Love!
