By Deborah

We anxiously await the answers to many questions this season of The Fosters. Will Brandon be able to play piano again? Will Callie ever be adopted or will she screw it all up by tickling Brandon’s ivories? How is Lena handling pregnancy? Will ABC Family show us dry heaving, extreme mood swings and inopportune gaseousness or will Lena run half-marathons with her perfectly formed bump only to squeeze Baby Foster out with a hiccup? Or will baby Foster take Lena’s surname and be baby Adams in which case, it will surely be a boy named Samuel. Either way, Adams or Foster, they’ve got beer. And this baby gives them a six-pack.

We’re brought up to speed with flashbacks throughout the episode. We learn that Rico accepted a plea bargain and will be shipped off to military school after Brandon fingered him. That didn’t sound quite right…because Brandon can’t move his fingers so well. The doctors tell us that Brandon has about 95% use of his hands now, but we don’t know if he’ll be able to play the songs of love and special things.

Lena seems to be doing well with her pregnancy. She looks as radiant as ever with only a craving of spaghetti and potato chips to give her condition away. Now, some schools of thought would teach that a pregnant woman who looks like ass is having a girl because the girl baby is sucking up all her beauty, in which case Lena is having a butt ugly boy. I craved carbs during both of my pregnancies with boys, so her diet would indicate to me that she is having a boy. That’s about the height of suspense over on The Fosters this wee….. sorry. Yawning.

PHOTO CREDIT: ABC FAMILY

Dani is moving in with Mike because THAT is a healthy relationship worth modeling! Brandon confronts Dani about all of her indiscretions and lies to which she replies, “I keep secrets from him BECAUSE I love him!” That’ll be a fun couple to watch when we’re not so sure about our own life choices. I’m feeling pretty good right about my life right now.

Callie remains unadopted. Callie’s dad-who-isn’t-her-dad makes the case to the judge that he is father enough to be stripped of his fatherhood. He asks the judge, “Who is a father anyway? The guy who got your mom pregnant and left or the guy who changed your diapers?” The judge is unconvinced and suggests that Robert Quinn, Callie’s dad-who-is-actually-her-dad, may not even know that he is her dad and therefore the judge will not accept the resignation by the dad-who-isn’t-her-dad. In order to go ahead with the adoption, we must find Robert Quinn, The Mighty Quinn, her dad-who-is-actually-her-dad so the court can serve him with abandonment papers.

Callie doesn’t want any more surprises, though, and decides not to search for The Mighty Quinn. We’re not too sad for Callie because wavy-locked Wyatt comforts her while she’s serving burgers at Not A Burger Stand and asks, “Would you be better if I kissed you?” Callie calls him on the cheese factor and kisses him anyway.

Meanwhile, back at Anchor Beach, Jesus is trying to balance hanging with his teammates and banging his teammate, though there hasn’t been any actual banging, yet. The guys invite Jesus to go paint balling. No girls allowed. At first Jesus lies to Emma and tells her he’s got a family thing, but Emma has truth telling super powers, and Jesus is helpless under her spell. He confesses that he’s going to be spending time with the guys, and she confesses that she wishes she were still one of the guys. These are the things they wrestle with – pun intended.

Stef catches Brandon listening to piano music instead of playing piano music. “You’ll be back,” she whispers. Then she tells Brandon to call his dad because Mike had complained that Brandon was keeping his distance. Brandon informs Stef that Dani is moving in with Mike, whose real name is Danny. Dani’s real name is not Mike, however. It’s Marla. Teri Polo has a brother named Mike, though. Digress much, Deborah?

Brandon tells Stef that Mike had broken up with Dani but then after Brandon came clean about paying off Ana, Mike got loaded. Brandon called Dani and asked for help. She found Mike on the floor all messed up as if he had been in a bar fight. “He was in a fight?” Stef asks with her Cagney hat on. But Brandon is not playing detective. He’s playing the role of first-born, the world revolves around me, it’s all my fault, who am I if I’m not a pianist, woe is me. Stef absolves her baby of all misdeeds as she tries to figure out what’s going on with Mike.

While Brandon hates himself for ruining his life and everyone else’s, Mariana hates herself for being Latina. In a flashback, we see that Mariana makes the high school dance team while some blonde haired, blue-eyed girl does not. Mariana overhears Blondie’s friend consoling Blondie by telling her that Mariana made the team instead of her because the school had to fulfill some sort of diversity quota. Mariana decides to go blonde and kick her diversity al bordillo.

PHOTO CREDIT: ABC FAMILY

When Stef tries to get Mariana to come to dinner, she catches Mariana mid dye job. Stef goes on and on about missing Mariana’s brown hair and about the damage Mariana is doing to her hair.

Knock. Knock.

Who’s there?

A brunette dyed blonde telling another brunette not to dye her hair blonde. Mariana is not having it. Well, I don’t know that Teri Polo is really a brunette, but I have no doubt that she colors her hair for that uber blonde hue.

Stef tells Lena that they’ve got to lay down the law with Mariana because she’s completely obsessed with her hair, and she’s absolutely ruining it. Lena walks Stef through some parents of color basics and assures her that fighting Mariana about her hair will only drive a wedge between them. As per usual, Lena wins.

Eventually, the family Adams-Foster sits down to eat. Everyone is present, and Stef notes how nice it is for everyone to be together. She decides they should all eat together every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday night. But before the children can list all the activities that will prevent that from ever happening, there’s a knock at the door.

Is it another non-blonde? Two more and we’ve got a band! No, it’s a social worker who’s arrived just before Jude is about to present his award-winning essay at school. She is there to take Callie away. Callie is unadopted and Stef and Lena didn’t renew their foster license, so now the social worker has to uproot Callie from her home and throw her back into the foster system. Jude packs a bag and tries to go with Callie, but now that he’s a Foster, he can’t be a foster. Jude can only angry-squint as he watches the social worker escort Callie out of the house.

Callie arrives at her new foster home in time for dinner. There seems to be only one older woman in the house who will be Callie’s new foster mom. Foster Mom serves inedible pasta and makes small talk while Callie moves the pasta around without eating any. Foster Mom seems nice enough at first, offering cookies to make up for the unsavory meal. But then it occurs to me that Hansel & Gretel’s wicked witch fattened children up with cookies before shoving them in the oven. Sure enough, after dinner the Wicked Foster Mom brings Callie to her bedroom and locks her in her room for the night so that she can’t escape. Callie is a prisoner, and possibly tomorrow’s dessert.

Eventually, Stef finds the judge who wouldn’t approve Callie’s adoption without the Mighty Quinn signing off on the deal. We don’t know what she says to him, but in the next scene, she’s springing Callie from Wicked Witch jail. Callie misses Jude’s presentation, but Jude recites his essay for her, which is all about finding a home and not feeling lost, feeling anchored at Anchor Beach. Callie wants to be anchored, too, and decides that she wants to find the Mighty Quinn so that she can be adopted once and for all.

Next day, Stef is on the beat. She’s checking out a tip from a Mr. Watson who witnessed Ana in a fight. Stef shows Mr. Watson a photo of Mike and asks if he was the man fighting with Ana. Confirmed! Did Mike kill Ana? That is certainly what we are led to believe.

The last few minutes are the most exciting of the entire episode. A man we can only assume is Robert Quinn buys a coffee at Not A Burger Stand. Callie serves the man who can’t seem to stop looking at Callie. He shoves $5 in a tip jar between stealing nervous glances. He takes his coffee without saying anything to her, and we follow him to his car where a younger version of Callie waits for him in the front seat. As my boys would say, “Duh duh duuuuuuh!”

PHOTO CREDIT: ABC FAMILY

PHOTO CREDIT: ABC FAMILY

Tune in next week when we hope to discover whether or not the side sweep hair look is still a thing. Emma and Lena were sporting some serious side hair-dos, which only momentarily distracts us from Callie’s half-shirt. Half-shirts are apparently a thing. Apparel-ly a thing? I’m not a fan of either the side sweep or the half-shirt, but I’m a middle-aged suburban mom, and I’m not supposed to like the latest trends. That said, I’m also a lesbian, which means I am a fan of wearing my cargo shorts hanging so low that if my shirt isn’t long enough, my panties are on display – just like the urban youth. Therefore, I’m pretty bad ass. And I say, the side-do has to go.

PHOTO CREDIT: ABC FAMILY

PHOTO CREDIT: ABC FAMILY

Originally published on villageq.com. Republished WITH PERMISSION MOTHERF*CKERS.

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