Digression 1: There are only six more episodes of The Fosters this season! You know what that means? Brandon saw his shadow!

The show opens with Stef bringing her dad a cup of tea and I am confused because dead men don’t drink tea. As she delivers it, she wakes him up and they reminisce about the first time he took her to a Padres game and it snowed and she thought it was dust and they laugh and then Stef stands up and looks off into the distance and gets tears in her eyes and then it starts to snow in the house.  The Polar Vortex is really fucking with everyone. Then, we see Stef in bed with Lena as the theme song starts.

There’s snow place like home.

Mariana is in the bathroom crying and, when Jude comes in, she tells him it’s her first funeral. Jude says funerals aren’t that bad and Mariana asks him about his mom’s and he asks if she believes in heaven. Fortunately, they don’t go all Touched By An Angel and Jude simply says he believes there are people watching over them.

Lena and Stef stand in front of the mirror in their bathroom which also has a washer and dryer in it.

Digression 2: Is this a thing? Aren’t washers and dryers supposed to be in a laundry rooms? Isn’t that a rule? Lesbian laundry outlaws!

Stef powders the same spot on her face and Lena looks on concerned and uses her gentle voice and her gentle words and Stef just wants to make sure they put the bourbon out for the Old Fashioneds and wants Lena check to make sure they have enough bitters. Lena says they do but, “If we do need more bitter, we’ll ask my mom to tell stories about all the times she was passed over for tenure.” I love it when they drop lines like these in and it’s part of what’s been missing. Lena leaves and Stef looks for her mascara only to find Lena’s Top Secret Prenatal Vitamins. Don’t put those on your lashes, Stef. They’re bulky as hell and smell like iron.

Digression 3: Deborah emailed me and said, “I know you won’t be able to relate to this…” and then told me she spent a lot of time contemplating her mascara before her father’s funeral. She didn’t wear it and her mother said, “You know you’re a pretty girl…” which Deborah took to mean “Why are you a lesbian when you’re pretty enough to attract a man?” Putting the “Fun” back in “Funerals”! For the record, I contemplated mascara for my wedding because I expected to cry. In the end, I wore it and I cried and it didn’t run. This digression is the lesbian version of One Wedding and a Funeral.

The Fosterati arrive at the church for the funeral and the first thing that pops into my head is “Church of the Poison Mind” – such a great song.

Digression 4: Boy George and Alex Vause have the same eyebrows.

Everyone is there – the Fosters, Mike, the moms, the Captain and Callie. The Captain asks Lena if Mike is there and then mentions that there is an article in the paper about the shooting. She tells Lena not to let Stef read it. Yeah, I’m sure that will go well.

Because this family has such a great track record for keeping secrets…

They all file inside and Callie takes Jude’s hand and there is a flashback to the two of them walking into the church for their mother’s funeral.

Back at the house, Stef is yelling about Padres colors and Pigs in Blankets and I was happy to hear that she pluralized both because sometimes people say “Pigs in a Blanket” and that’s wrong because they aren’t sharing a blanket and the blanket is actually the best part in a lesser of two evils kind of way. In the kitchen, Mike looks glum and tells Lena about the article about police brutality and that it makes him out to be a murderer. Mariana and Callie chat and make deviled eggs and Mariana tells Callie she misses her and Callie says she misses her too and remember how these two started out? And now they are so good together? Sigh. Callie mentions that Jude took their mom’s death hard and there is a quick flashback to even younger Jude in a trashed bedroom. Brandon comes in and ruins everything by asking to talk to Callie.

Meanwhile, the revelers have arrived and there are poker games going on and Stef heads to the kitchen. Her mom tells her the minister gave a beautiful eulogy and Stone-Faced Stef says it was the same minister that her dad sent her to when she had lady loving feelings

Brandon tells Callie he thinks they should tell his moms they are dating and Callie is all, “Dude. It’s a funeral.” Brandon’s all, “Oh yeah. Good point.” After he leaves, Callie goes into her old room and sits on the bed and has a flashback to her mom asking for a kiss goodbye before going out for the night but little Callie is mad and won’t give her one.

Stef puts out licorice because it was her dad’s favorite and then sneers as she watches Lena play peek-a-boo with a baby. Mariana tries some licorice and after Stef walks away, Mariana says, “Oh my god! It’s like evil in my mouth!’

Can’t be any worse than the deviled eggs.

Digression 5: My mother loved black licorice. My grandmother loved circus peanuts. I come from a long line of women with horrible taste in candy.

The doorbell rings and it’s Emma the Wrestler with noodle kugel! We get a little primer on how Jews respond to funerals. Hint: They bring kugel. Every time they say “kugel,” I hear “kegel” and do 15.

Stef leads Lena to a quiet place and says, “Is there something you want to tell me about?” Flat-Affect Stef scares me a little bit. Good thing I’ve been doing all those keels. Lena says, “Mike told you?” Oh Lena. No. Stef and Mike talk and he says he can’t go back to work because of the article.

Callie is still milling about upstairs and she reflects on her necklace – literally and figuratively because she’s in front of a mirror and then has a flashback! She gets her mother’s possessions in an envelope from the morgue and the necklace is in there.

Lena’s in the kitchen with her mom who asks if something is going on. Other than the funeral? The delinquent children? Lena tells her about her trip to the gynecologist and wanting a baby and her mom smiles and takes her face in her hands and says, “Honey, why are you doing this to yourself?” I laugh out loud and so does Dana as she walks away.

“Why yes, I can manage a house and a marriage and a funeral and five children, and a new baby, thank you.” Who runs the world? Lena.

Stef is in the kitchen nook reading the article calling her ex-husband a murderer and Lena sees her and tells her to stop and Stef says, “Leave it be…” and yep – still a little scary. Annie Potts notices too and calls her out for being short with Lena all day. Stef tells her Lena’s trying to get pregnant and Annie Potts tells her to talk to her. And yes, I am calling her Annie Potts every single time in this recap for reasons I do not understand. 

Callie and Dana are in the kitchen and Dana asks about the independent living program and then says, “Sweetheart, forgive my candor…” and I know Lena has issues with her mom but I don’t and I know that I am going to love whatever comes after that line. And I do. She says, “Family isn’t just until you’re 18.” Callie leaves and Lena enters and Dana bosses her around and Lena snaps and tells her that she only wants to hear that she loves her and nothing else. Dana likes Sassy Lena!

Jesus and Emma are looking at something on his laptop when Lexi does a video call. It’s an awkward little meeting.

Connor and Jude are playing with a Ouija board and Jude asks if he mom is there and it says “yes”. Then, he asks, “Is it okay if Stef and Lena adopt me?” It says “yes.” I was actually relieved. I was afraid this show would go down some weird path if the Ouija board said “no.” This is what melodrama does to a person!

Thank heavens there’s no drama from…well, heaven.

Stef opens a box of celebratory funeral cupcakes and they are Dodgers cupcakes. Stef storms out and Callie comes in freaking out because she lost her necklace. Everyone offers ridiculous advice like “Stay calm.” Lena reveals her class privilege and fix-it nature by saying they’ll just replace it. Callie yells at her and walks out into the backyard where she inexplicably begins to dig around in the wood chips surrounding a tree.

Digression 6: One of the times my mom was dying (yes, there was more than one), I flew to KC and was away from Luisa and the kids for several days, including New Year’s Eve and Day. During that time, I misplaced my “wedding” ring and lost my mind and I obviously should have looked in the wood chips.

Jude tells Callie she’s freaking him out and acting like she did when their mom died and destroyed her room. She says, “That was you, Jude.” He says, “No, Callie. It was you.” Then, there is a quick flashback to Callie trashing her room and she says, “Oh my god…” Stef arrives at the perfect moment and asks Jude for a moment with Callie. She tells Callie the necklace was not her mom and Callie says that it was all she has left and then Stef gives the cliche lecture about memories and asks Callie to sit. Stef asks her to talk about her mom because she never has and then says, “Tell me about this woman who created the amazing girl sitting in front of me.” I’ll admit it. I cried. Let’s not dwell. Callie admits she wouldn’t kiss her goodbye and then sobs and Stef holds her. Stef says the last thing she said to her dad was “pretty much take the car and shove it.” Then, Stef finishes off the lesson with advice on opening yourself to love. Brandon watches them hug.

Emma leaves and it’s clear she’s into Jesus who looks surprisingly nerdy in a baseball hat.

Too bad Lexi can’t see that hat in person.

The minister approaches Stef to say goodbye and tells her that people’s attitudes evolve and that her dad was struggling to reconcile his faith with her “lifestyle” and she asks if that’s supposed to mean something to her and he says, “That your father was questioning his fundamental beliefs because of his love for you? Yes.” I actually really liked that line because it made me see it differently.

The Captain arrives and tells Mike that the DA called and is going to open a formal investigation.

Brandon and Callie sit together and he had found her necklace and gives it to her. She says, “I love you, Brandon” and he says “I love you too” but I know there is more and then it arrives when Callie says, “But…” and Brandon says, “I know.” She says, “I need a family. All of you are my family.” He tells her, until today, he didn’t understand that she would have to give up everything to be with him. It’s over. It’s finally over! And, I am so happy they let Callie be the one to make the decision instead. I didn’t want him to appear noble and I wanted to see her take control of her life.

Annie Potts comes out and asks Brandon to play something for them and he goes inside. Jude comes out and Callie says, “I’m coming home, Jude.” Hugs. Smiles. All the things.

It’s not a happy ending, it’s a happy new beginning.

Meanwhile, Stef sits alone in the Prius and thanks her dad for the car and tells him she knows he did the best that he could. She says, “I forgive you.” A booming voice then says, “I forgive you too, Stef!’ Nah. That didn’t really happen but it snows which is basically the same thing. Lena comes out to the car in her Padres hoodie which looks so cute on her that I think she should be required to wear it every episode. She gets into the car and they stare silently through the front windshield and Stef says, “So, you wanna have a baby?”

END SCENE

Overall Impression: If it weren’t for the social issue bingo going on, I’d say the writers were doing better and at least giving us some lighter moments.

Best Line: Mariana: “Oh my god! It’s like evil in my mouth!”

Really?: Brandon and Callie are done. I’ll take it.

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