It’s a new day in Mission Bay and the Fosters (which I often mistype as the Fisters) are in the garage cooking up meth!

I kid! They are in the kitchen again but that’s boring compared to family drug running. Stef is using her soft thoughtful voice to tell Callie that she is omnipotent and had Sarah taken from Liam’s home and hopes to get Liam in trouble with the law.

Promise me you’re not watching Mad Men without me.

Digression: Whenever I say “the law,” I think of that scene in Fried Green Tomatoes where that greasy sheriff says, “I’m the law and you can’t beat the law.”

They all sit down for dinner and Jesus puts ketchup all over whatever it is they are eating and Lena is mad because she made it from scratch. Ain’t no Hamburger Helper in the Great Lesbian Kitchen.

That ain’t ketchup

Digression: My partner makes amazing pork chops. She rubs them in herbs and grills them to perfection and then we watch in horror as our kids smother them in ketchup. We used to comment about it but that made dinner tense. Now, whenever I smell ketchup, I get tense. I am the Pavlov’s dog of lesbian mom.

We learn that Lexi is returning to school, that Brandon hates his piano teacher and Lena’s ex is coming to town! I just sang that last part to the tune of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” for those who want to sing along at home.

Gay?

Next, we see Brandon playing the piano while his evil teacher looks on with the zeal of a sea slug. He stops Brandon and asks him why he is so void of passion and has such big bags under his eyes (my words – not his) and Brandon says, “I’m trying to get it right.” The teacher says, “And there’s your problem. You have to stop trying to get it right. I would rather you made a hundred mistakes than play it perfectly without risking anything.” This is not what I expected him to say and I love it and the piano teacher is now my spiritual advisor. I need him to sit by me and whisper this in my ear while I write.

once more with feeling

At Anchor School for Castaways, we see Wyatt and his lovely locks leaning against a post. When Callie told him to get lost last week, I had hoped it was forever but not all dreams come true. Callie asks if he’s mad and he sulks and tells her to go talk to Brandon because Wyatt is actually only 6 years old. Callie opens up a little bit about Liam and he tells her that it’s not enough and that she is “too screwed up.” People who live in foreclosed glass houses shouldn’t throw stones!

Tayla approaches Brandon and tells him she bought him tickets to see The Weepies before they broke up and she wants him to have them. She is not her usual mean self and I am incredibly forgiving so I want him to take the tickets but he doesn’t – probably because they’re not from Callie.

aww, tickets to magic mike. you shouldn’t have.

Lexi says hey to Jesus and he’s distant and I’m confused.

Moments later, Jesus and Marianna are in a bad neighborhood and we know it is bad because there are people with excess facial hair working on cars in their driveways and there is litter and a homeless man in an alley. Oh my! They are going to see Ana to tell her to back off which explains why he was being distant with Lexi. They knock and Ana answers and she is surprised to see Jesus and then gives him a giant hug. It’s sweet but you know it’s not going to end well. They go into the house and the kitchen is filthy. The stove is black with burned food and the sink and counter are full of dishes. I yell, “Don’t touch anything unless you brought hand sanitizer!”

Digression: I went into houses like this almost every day as an Adult Protection worker and, when they walked into that kitchen, I could smell it. A piece of advice: if you ever walk into a house like this and notice a bucket, do NOT look in the bucket. Never look in the bucket.

Ana is talking to the kids when a dirty guy comes in and I can smell him too. If you need smell-o-vision, he smells like cigarette smoke, body odor and old grease. I know you’ll be shocked but this guy is not a nice person. After he walks out, Ana asks the kids for money so that she can get away from him because he’s abusive. Jesus clearly feels bad for Ana but Marianna is not feeling it. She’s been down this “sell pills for birth mom and contemplate stealing from other moms” road before. They tell her no.

From drug den to cop car! Stef and Mike are on patrol and she tells Mike he looks like hell but he looks exactly the same to me as he always does – shiny and like his skin is too tight. Before she can say more, a car runs a stop sign and Mike takes off in hot pursuit! When the car hits a dead end, they get out of the car, pull their guns and say police things. Mike then pulls the guy out of the car and turns him around to cuff him but the guy bops him in the head and takes off. Stef runs after him and looks good doing so. She catches up to him, throws him to the ground and mounts him (in a non-sexual way, of course).

cool hashtag, ABC Family

Jesus is in his room on his laptop when Marianna comes in and tells him not to feel bad for Ana because she is manipulative but Jesus does feel bad for her. Marianna leaves and Lexi calls and he ignores it. When we see his laptop screen, he’s looking up women’s shelters. Jesus is a really good guy.

Digression: Where’s Jude? In the closet? We haven’t seen him all episode.

Brandon is practicing piano and Stef comes in and tells him she can hear the difference which is nice but I don’t know if she’s speaking the truth or speaking mom. Stef asks about Mike and Brandon tells her he’s drinking again and she notices he says “again” and he tells her that Mike drank a lot after the divorce. He also tells her that Mike once drove off the road with him in the car. Yikes. Don’t drink and drive, kids.

shoulda gone with suzuki

Mike and Stef are in the Captain’s office and as I type “Captain” I think “Hook” and now I can’t stop thinking about pirates. The Captain says, “Argh mateys! What happened?” Mike says, “Nothin’! The scallywag slipped through me hands!” Mike leaves and the Captain asks Stef for the truth but we don’t get to see Stef answer and I’m sad because I wanted to make her speak pirate!

Anchors away! At Anchor Beach, it’s algebra time and Brandon and Callie and Talya and every minor character we’ve seen so far have class together! The teacher steps out for a moment and shenanigans begin almost immediately. Some guys are giggling over a video and Talya asks what it is and one of the guys plugs it into the projector and the whole class gets to watch as Talya drinks beer, dances and strips. I knew that foreclosure party wasn’t going to end well for Talya. Brandon stops the video, Talya dashes out and Callie runs after to her. Talya has the weepies with a lower case “w” and Callie tells her that people will forget about it. The scene makes Talya very human and I forgive her for her horrible behavior in previous episodes and wish I could give her a hug and ask her if she knows her pants look like bandanas sewn together by inattentive monkeys.

The more attentive monkeys brush my hair 1000 times each morning.

Back at the police station, Mike is mad because Stef told the Captain that he’s been drinking too much rum and hanging out with parrots and now he’s assigned to a desk job.

While Stef argues with her ex-husband, Lena is dining with her ex-girlfriend, Gretchen. Lena doesn’t know why Stef is late and seems uncomfortable but Gretchen seems very comfortable. Gretchen asks Lena why she never got pregnant and says, “You always wanted kids.” Lena grits her teeth and says, “And I have them.”

This is a short, sweet exchange that says so much about how people perceive lesbian families.

#runStefrun

Then, Gretchen says, “Either your wife is here or there is a bachelor party going on!” and Stef enters in her cop uniform. Lena says Stef can’t drink in uniform and Stef starts taking off her cop top and I like where this is going and then tells the waitress she’ll have a martini “dirty” and Gretchen says, “Oh. I knew I was going to like you.” Then, they skip dinner and play strip poker.

Of course, they don’t.

Lena orders red wine and Gretchen tells the waitress that Lena can only handle Pinot and “can’t have anything full-bodied” and Stef says, “I don’t know about that.” Then, they both gang up on Lena. Gretchen is so deliciously awful.

At the house, the kids are fending for themselves – hunting/gathering/foraging for berries/eating pizza. Callie brings up Talya and asks Brandon to be nice to her. Then, he asks her if she’s with Wyatt and she says “not really.” I can’t really concentrate on any of this, however, because I am focused on the fact that Brandon warmed up his pizza in the microwave. Don’t we all just eat pizza cold? Can people weigh in on this?

Ed note: i microwave my pizza. so.

The ex marks the spot at the restaurant. Gretchen and Stef are laughing and then Gretchen mentions how much Lena hates guns and tells an adorable story about Lena once shooting guns with Gretchen’s dad and crying when she hit the target. She asks Stef if she’s ever shot anyone and Stef says she hasn’t and anytime anyone makes any kind of declaration in this show I get worried that it is clumsy foreshadowing.

Jesus tells Marianna that she was right about Ana but suggests they help her go to a shelter. Marianna says that Ana will only ask for more help. She tells him they can never go back and asks him to promise he won’t. He promises. Again with the declarations!

wait, this whole time i thought you were selena gomez

Gretchen, Lena and Stef are outside the restaurant waiting for the valet and Stef invites Gretchen to dinner at their house the next night. Gretchen eagerly accepts and then gets into her fancy car and drives away. Lena turns on Stef with wide eyes and says, “You were kinda ganging up on me!” and I say, “That’s exactly what I said Lena!” Stef doesn’t think they were and Lena says, “That’s why I don’t hang out with exes.” Lena then gets in her car and leaves. The valet says to Stef, “She said you’re gonna pay for it?” Stef says, “You’re telling me.” Perfect.

Digression: When I gave birth to my first baby, my first crush and my first girlfriend were in the room with my partner and me. Not all exes are bad.

i found the butt plug.

It’s the Teen Beach Volleyball Championships in which teenagers frolic on the beach and are captured on camera in random beautiful shots. Lexi spikes the ball into Jesus’ head and he’s unimpressed. Lexi is mad that he blew her off to see Ana and didn’t tell her and she’s feeling insecure because she’s undocumented and he tells her that he loves her just the same and I say WTF. Why would he feel differently about her just because she’s undocumented? She’s worried about getting caught and he says, “I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I promise.” Please see the two previous references to grand declarations. Duh duh duh.

Callie asks Wyatt to a movie and he says he has a thing and she uses one of his first lines on him, “When your thing gets boring, you know where to find me.” I hope he shows up at the theater in a formal gown!

i loved you in snow white and the huntsman

Jesus is back at Ana’s house and the scary guy answers and Jesus asks if Ana is there.

That night, Gretchen is at the Charming Craftsman for dinner. Marianna is the only kid at home and Gretchen is wowing her with tales of Justin Timberlake and George Clooney. Then, she talks about all the traveling that she and Lena did and Stef says they’ve travelled too and Lena says they went to Barstow where they stayed in a roach-infested motel and drank $2 prosecco. Stef says, “Only the best for you, my love.” I love how snarky they are with each other and I love how secure Stef is. Gretchen’s Clooney can’t hold a candle to Stef’s cheap prosecco. Everything is going well until Marianna mentions that Stef and Lena aren’t married. Lena says “Stef doesn’t believe in gay marriage.” I hate it when people say it like that, like gay marriage is the Loch Ness Monster of legal processes.

this is how lesbians have sex

Digression: I spent a great deal of my youth fascinated with the Loch Ness Monster and now we know why – I’m a gay.

Turns out, Lena’s always wanted to get married but Stef didn’t seem to know this.

Jesus is supposed to be at a movie with Lexi but Lexi texts Marianna and asks if she wants to hang out. Marianna is all, “Where’s Jesus?” Lexi says he was supposed to be at home and asks, “Where is he?” There will always be those who can’t find Jesus.

Gretchen, Lena and Stef are eating and there is this hilarious exchange:

Gretchen: “Lena broke up with me because I wouldn’t marry her.”
Lena: “I broke up with you because you weren’t monogamous!”
Gretchen: “Yeah, there was that.”
Lena: “And because you slept with my best friend!”
Gretchen: “And that.”

Everything gets tense and Gretchen suggests that she should leave and no one stops her. Exit Gretchen, stage right.

so who’s up for apples to apples

Lena says dinner was awkward and Stef says, “No one asked her to leave.” That’s a technicality, Stef. Stef is upset that, after 10 years with Lena, she didn’t know she wanted to get married. She mentions a proposal and a flashmob and I think Hot Cops from Arrested Development but all ladies but Lena ruins that vision and tells Stef, “Don’t be an ass.” Stef says, “Don’t tell me how to react!” Lez fight! Before it gets good, though, Marianna interrupts to tell them about Ana and Jesus. Marianna is crying and it should be this great moment because she’s finally telling the truth and showing concern for someone other than herself but I can’t think too much about that because Stef’s boobs look really good in that shirt. I see tan lines!

what do you mean they’ve legalized gay marriage since this episode was written

Stef opens the closet and takes her gun out of the safe and Lena says, “I can’t pay the rent!” and someone says, “You must pay the rent!” and Stef says, “I’ll pay the rent!” They’d all look so cute in those little handlebar mustaches but they didn’t really say any of this but Lena does wring her hands and say, “Don’t you think we should call the police?” and Stef says, “What do you think I am?” and shoves the gun in her pants. Rawr.

A scene of Wyatt and Callie making out in the theater interrupts my enjoyment of Hot Cop Stef and I am bitter.

baaaaarf

Talya and Brandon stroll and talk about The Weepies and piano and his teacher and how awesome he is and they decide to go out for coffee.

Stef drives up to the very dark crack house and, as she’s getting out, Mike drives up in that damn white mustang again and I cannot let go of that white horse imagery and it makes me crazy. Lena called him. They knock on the door, call out for Jesus and then enter because the door was ajar. They see drug paraphernalia on the table and pull their guns.

We then see the house from a distance and it lights up with 5 gunshots.

I blame Gretchen.

who’s at the door

Overall impression: I loved the dynamic with the ex. Loved it.

Favorite line: It was a tough call this week. I liked lots of lines but the winner is Gretchen with, “Either your wife is here or there is a bachelor party going on!”

Really? Did they have to do that?: The undocumented storyline with Lexi continues to be clunky. Also, can Wyatt disappear? Can he be kidnapped by a ring of rogue hairstylists?

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