In the next scene, Steph enters the kitchen and says to Lena, “I’m sorry. Mike is right behind me.” Mike enters on cue and things get very deep lez when Steph says, “He feels that blah blah blah” and Lena says, “I hear that but blah blah blah” but then Mike reveals that he is not a lesbian and says, “What you think isn’t really my concern.” and Steph finally wakes up and jumps to Lena’s defense with the ever articulate phrase of “Hey, wait a minute”!” Mike then asserts his role and I worry he is going to lift his leg and mark his territory and there is a lot of bickering about who the parents are and it’s ugly and I want to find Marianna and ask her if she has any more Skittles! Then, Steph makes a grave error. She says, “I think Mike has a point.” Before the parental cage match really gets going, Brandon enters and Mike tells him he is grounded and then Brandon implies Mike has never really cared and leaves and the three parents exchange awkward looks. Mike leaves. Steph sighs. Lena fidgets. Mr. Morton walks.
We then see Jesus in his room and he is typing on his Apple product and listening to music and checking his phone and flipping through skateboarding pics so fast it looks like a flipbook. He’s doing this because he has The ADD…or he is a blogger. I did the exact same things today but the pics were of Lhasa Apsos. Marianna apologizes but Jesus and I are still mad at her. Then, we see Jude doing his homework and Callie helping him by telling him to divide it by the Y and I need Callie to come help my kids because I hate algebra. Math is interrupted by Callie and Jude bantering and then tickling each other and that is interrupted by the Music of Emotional Reflection and Jude asks how long they’ll be staying and Callie says she doesn’t know.
We head down to the kitchen and see a close up of a knife furiously slicing a cucumber.
Digression 3: I don’t think she washed that cucumber. It has that weird matte finish that unwashed cucumbers have and I can’t help but judge Lena for the cucumber hygiene issue.
Steph walks in and I am distracted from the cucumber long enough to wonder if she has to wear that cop radio thing clipped to her shoulder even when she’s at home. Steph apologizes for “ambushing” Lena and that is not a euphemism for surprise sex. Lena chops and clenches her jaw and Steph drops the great lez-exit line, “When you feel like talking, let me know…” and it works like magic! Lena says, “I thought we were on the same page. I thought we agreed.” and she is breathing heavily like “ambushing” wasn’t a euphemism. She adds, “I have never felt like such a stepmother in my life.” and I want to step into the TV and say, “You are a stepmother.” Then, she would wave her knife at me and I would try to disarm her by adding, “But that’s not a bad thing.” and then we would hug and I would burrow into her cardigan to see if she smells like patchouli. She wouldn’t but Mike got in my head with that hippy dippy comment. But I’m not there and Steph just stands there watching Lena wave the knife around and rant hyperbolically about being the “good time step mom from now on” and she says, “You want some candy, Brandon? Sure! Help yourself! Cigarettes? Heroin?” Dramarama lesbian mama – though I do love a good hyperbolic rant. Makes everything more fun – even heroin!
i’m just saying this knife can chop a tomato like nobody’s business
Digression 4: My favorite hyperbolic parenting rant always ends with, “And that’s how they’ll end up in prison!” So, all you kids out there – use your napkins or you’ll end up in prison.
Steph tells Lena to put down the knife and use that cucumber to make her a Pimm’s Cup and I no longer care about anything but the nice definition of Steph’s left bicep. Lena then says, “You humiliated me in front of him.” and Steph says, “What was I supposed to say?” and Lena says, “You lie.” Lying is wrong but Lena is right. See: lesbianism leads to moral ambiguity. Steph reassures Lena and then exits and Lena is relieved because she has to make Pimm’s Cups for 30. Steph then goes to talk to Brandon and says that Mike is a good dad or something equally bland and then says, “By the way, if you ever need heroin, Lena’s happy to help.” Brandon says, “Huh?” and Steph says, “Never mind. It was funnier in my head.” Oh Steph. Heroin jokes are always funnier in your head and most of my jokes are funnier in mine. Sisterhood is powerful.
The show takes us back to the kitchen where Lena is putting a salad on the table and Jude enters and asks for chores because foster families usually enjoy child labor. She asks him to help with the salad forks. They are Salad Fork Lesbians. I am not a salad fork lesbian so I defer to their table setting prowess. We then have our Very Special Gay Moment. Jude asks, “Are you and Steph married?” and Lena says, “Not exactly, not legally, no. We’re married in our hearts, I guess.” Jude nods, “That’s basically the same thing, right?” I want to say, “Hey Jude, don’t make it bad. It is basically the same thing except for legal authority to make decisions for your partner and inherit their salad forks and get their pensions and all that.”
now come back in ten years and we can discuss scissoring
After dinner, the moms call all the kids together in the living room, which continues to be the darkest room in the house.
Digression 5: Have these ladies not heard of Ikea? I know they are on a tight budget with all those kids but Ikea has some cheap and stylish lamps.
The moms inform everyone that Callie and Jude will be staying until a permanent family is found and that Jesus and Jude will be sharing a room and Callie and Marianna will be sharing a room and Greg Brady will get his own room. Typical.
More quickies of the non-ambush variety…Lexi comes over to hang with Marianna and Jesus kisses her. Then, it’s Miss Scarlet in the study with a candlestick – I mean, Callie in the living room with Brandon’s guitar. The next day, Talya chats with Brandon and is obviously jealous of Callie. Steph and Mike are in the cop car and Mike says he wants to be more involved. Kelsey, Marianna’s mean friend with the Skittle problem, implies that Marianna’s home life is like Grand Theft Auto sealing our deep hatred of her and her teal short shorts. Callie joins Talya’s lunch table for awkward conversation and bad school lunches. Lexi and Jesus discuss their kiss.
Then, we head to the Bathroom of Pretty Little Pills where Kelsey is snorting Ritalin in the bathroom stall.
Digression 6: Kelsey is the messiest snorter I’ve ever seen. It’s all over the little metal shelf and her hands and her face. She snorts drugs with the grace of a one year old eating a cupcake.
i’m so excited? i’m so – so – scared…
Lena hears the sniffles and because she has a PhD in Child Whatever the Hell It Is, she assumes drugs while I would assume weeping and she catches Kelsey with drugs on her face. She says to Kelsey, “What is it and who gave it to you?” and I say aloud, “Oh Lena! Do you really want to know?”
Next, Steph and Lena are waiting for the kids to come home and Marianna, Jude and Callie walk in and one of the moms (I can’t remember which one. They all look alike. Heh.) says, “Marianna could you take Jude upstairs. We need to talk to Callie.” My mouth drops open in surprise. Kelsey, I underestimated you and your mean spirit. They ask Callie if she took the drugs and she denies it and they let her go upstairs. Steph! You are a cop! You call that an interrogation?! Steph says, “What should we do?” and Lena says, “I don’t know. Maybe we should call Mike.” Perfect line. Absolutely perfect. Lena is funny which helps me set aside our parenting differences.
We then go through a few more short scenes…Jesus tells Brandon that Talya is insecure. Brandon tells Talya he’ll sneak out to see her that night. Marianna finds Callie sitting under a tree and asks her what happened with the moms. Marianna is surprised Callie didn’t rat her out. Marianna goes to her room and Jesus tells her to tell the moms about the drugs and Marianna says, “The other night, when Ana took all that money from me like I was an ATM or something, not even a person, much less her daughter – I thought ‘Well hey, at least I have 2 moms at home who love me. They’re gonna hate me.” And I want to say, “Come here my precious Lhasa Apso” and give her a big hug but then she goes downstairs to tell the moms the truth and lets Jesus take the fall for her. Yeah.
Lena and Steph go outside to talk to Callie who is still hanging out under that tree like a guitar playing wood nymph and they apologize to her. Then, Steph says, “Trust is something that has to be earned.” and I am outraged that Steph is talking to Callie about trust after the assumptions they made about Callie and then Lena says, “We’d really like to start earning yours.” I actually put my hand to my heart when she said that because I am a sensitive soul and my emotions are easy to manipulate.
we saw you playing ani on that guitar and wonder if you have anything you’d like to tell us
The episode ends with Callie playing guitar and Brandon playing piano and the music accompanies a montage of Jude in his room getting a text from Lexi calling him an idiot for taking the fall for Marianna and Brandon blowing off Talya via text to hang with Callie and Marianna sitting alone with her conscience and Lena and Steph in bed, facing opposite directions but then clasping hands.
Overall impression: There was so much going on in this episode but they actually dealt with things with some depth.
Favorite line: Lena says, “You want some candy, Brandon? Sure! Help yourself! Cigarettes? Heroin?”
Really? Did they have to do that?: What are they doing with Brandon and Callie?
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At this point, I can safely safe that I am madly in love with Steph. All those terms of endearment she uses are just beautiful.
BUT if Callie and Brandon get all romantic, I’m through with this show. First of all: no. Second of all, no. No, no, no.
I like Steph too and the terms of endearment are adorable and I like that they are against type. However, I am mad at her for not standing up to Mike when he was unkind to Lena.
And no to Brandon and Callie. All the nos.
Oh, yes. He was being a misogynistic, patriarchal prick. I have to wonder what their relationship was like…
Totally agreed: Callie and Brandon are a definite no.
As for these recaps: a definite yes!
Thank you…and let’s all hope that Candon doesn’t happen!
I can’t decide which I like better: watching The Fosters with my girlfriend or reading the re-caps and laughing hysterically in my cubicle when I’m supposed to be working.
Laughing is always good. So are girlfriends. I see your dilemma.
Freaking hilarious! “They could each be sitting on the floor on opposite sides of the bed. Who knows?” I totally cracked up at that part. The picture captions were gold too. Awesome recap Vikki!
My concerns about the Mike situation are still in place and stronger than last week unfortunately.
Credit were credit is due: I didn’t do any of the captions this time. I believe that was Grace.
This episode actually made me feel better about the Mike situation. I think they’ll use him to discuss the complexity of co-parenting which is a worthy topic. Since they are going that route, it’s unlikely they’ll go the affair route.
I’ve never been worried about an affair (although anyone who is is justified from so much past TV experience in my opinion). I just want to see two women raise a family with out some guy getting in the way. Like I said last week Hollywood seems to think two women raising a family is too crazy without a man being involved in some capacity.
For better or worse, I think it’s an interesting dynamic to explore as long as they don’t go the affair route. Co-parenting is complex and emotions run high and they could do so much with it. I’m going to remain naive and hopeful
I am not at all convinced that an affair is off the table. Especially based on the interviews I have read recently pertaining to Mike and Stef’s past relationship and how she met Lena. This episode did nothing but convince me that Mike/Stef/Lena are going to continue to butt heads all seasons with Stef likely not mediating properly between Mike and Lena giving the impression to Lena that she sides with Mike when it comes to Brandon and that’s going to cause problems in their relationship. If this show doesn’t develop some kind of Kids Are All Right type of plot by the finale I would be very pleasantly surprised but my history with watching TV leads me to believe my instincts are right about these things.
I don’t mind them butting heads as long as that’s all they butt.
it was me, i did the captions, i’m hilarious
also hilarious was this recap, I LOL’ed six times
Yes you are! I should have guessed from the Ani joke on the picture with the guitar. :D
Thank you for the screencaps and captions! You ARE hilarious and the best.
welllll grace made the screencaps, i just wrote the captions. TEAMWORK/DREAMWORKS
yes i think ani jokes are “my tell.” :-)
Yes, I was not comfortable doing the captions because I was just going to make terrible fisting jokes the entire time and I did not feel this was on brand for this article, GOOD JOB, RIESE.
i love these recaps so much i can’t even tell if i like the show
Honestly, I’m so busy taking notes while I watch that I’m not sure if I like the show. It’s a different way of watching or I haven’t figured out the process yet. Ha.
OMG Schoolhouse Rock feels:
I had an elementary school music teacher named Mr. Morton who looked EXACTLY like the animated gent of the same name who walks and talks to his cat.
I’m starting to quite like this show, because I’m hugely sappy and it had me at the opening credits.
Mr. Morton is just the sweetest ever and the song is catchy.
The opening credits really did make me feel things so we can be united in our sappiness.
Vikki, your digressions are basically my favorite thing. Once again, excellent recap. :D
Thank you!
“Jesus takes the wheel. No, he doesn’t ”
HAHAHAHA
These recaps are excellent. Still on the fence on whether I should actually watch the show though.
i have never done the “i didn’t watch the show i just read the recaps” thing before that all the kids are doing these days but that might happen in this situation
I was looking forward to this recap. I tried watching the show. Couldn’t do it. But the recaps, the recaps I love. And just FYI: I jumped straight to comments after reading “Jesus takes the wheel. No he doesn’t..” just to tell you I love you and forgive you for taking my bean at camp!
Also, also…I nearly pee’d myself when you brought up the Mr Morton song!
If I could turn back time (and, yes, I can’t say that without Cher singing in my head), I would let you keep your bean. Let not the bean keep us apart!
Nice recap! I know it’s only the second episode, but I have 2 problems. 1. I cannot figure out the layout of the house and especially the kids’ rooms. (My understanding of this is of course vital to my ability to enjoy the show.). 2. Most of the kids aren’t very likeable to me – I’m looking at you most of all Brandon. Anyone else feel this way?
Great. Now, I’m going to fret about the layout of the house…as if the flooring issue wasn’t bad enough.
I have to admit that I like Callie.
I’ve actually worked out the layout of the house because I was slightly obsessed with it. What really bothers me is how they can afford it!
I did think of the affordability aspect of the house. It looks so big and gorgeous. My guess is that they afford it by saving money on electricity and that’s why everything is so dark all the time.
Clearly they afford it by selling jesus’ pills. duh.
these recaps are cracking me up!
Oh hey, maybe Reise or someone can answer this, is Lizz going to be recapping the new season of Pretty Little Liars? The scene between Paige and Emily made my heart explode with rainbows and puppies! I love her recaps so much and she’s so funny that I’m really looking forward to them.
yes lizz’s recap will be up tomorrow!
Yay! I’m excited!
um there has been a delay in the release of this recap due to a screencaps situation but hopefully will be remedied promptly
Thanks Vikki, on yet another fabulous recap.
Digressions this episode?
– Pancakes. Seriously, when you write a lesbian drama you’re going to have to pay attention to the tiniest details. We will.
– The scene with Mike, Steph & Lena: it becomes apparent from the badges on their cop shirts that Steph hasn’t divorced/reverted back to her maiden name. This bothers me, because it feels like the writers are playing the ‘lesbian-fling’ card.
– Still no reference system for the mums. Do these kids not address their parents?! +1 ‘lesbian fling’ stance.
‘Even when I’m saying it, I hate myself for it and, watching this scene play out, I hate it even more. Vikki the Recap Mom got a valuable reminder – sometimes kids are just kids and they do stupid things and we shouldn’t always follow their stupid things with that question’
Thanks for that, Vikki. I was on Ritalin from when I was 6 until I was 18 and moved out and refused to take it. My mother ALWAYS used to ask me that if I even just TALKED TOO MUCH. It always made me feel like she was doing it out of spite.
ADHD and medication is so complicated. My kid was on concerta for a long time and it made him a different person and it broke my heart. I don’t write much about this issue out of respect for my kid but I do sometimes wish that I could. I also feel SO lucky because my kid is very articulate about what goes on in his brain that we can approach the issues as a team, working together to find what works. We’ve always tried to let him lead. That question “Have you taken your pill?” is a horrible knee jerk response that we work on and I was really glad that the show brought it up. I actually thought it was a pretty nuanced issue to address.
I felt like a different person on it too. Quieter, zombie-like. It changed my personality. I had ADHD as a kid and no doubt I needed to be medicated, but by the time I was a teen and no longer hyperactive, just typical adult ADD with a lower attention span, I feel like I should have been taken off it.
Don’t get me wrong, it is still harder for me to concentrate than others. But I’m 27, finished university (with honors), got a teaching job, and all of that without meds for the past 9 years. Sometimes my brain feels like a jungle and I forget things, but I’d rather be me and put 36354 reminders in my phone instead of take pills that change my personality.
So far, this show makes me feel;
a) all fuzzy inside bc lesbian Mum’s normalising my life for me
b) uncomfortable bc unidentified floor plans
c) like I need to re-model my house to make room for a lesbian kitchen with an island.
Three things that annoyed my happy heart though… the first scene with the cop-mom and her ex in the car… for the love of god can someone please edit that scene properly. It was like my 3yr old was in charge of the “switch camera” button.
Secondly, Callie, sweetheart, don’t give your brother the homework answers like that. He won’t learn anything. Give a man a fish and all that…
Lastly, the food these guys manage to put together in time for dinner… NOT REAL LIFE PEOPLE. Two working Mum’s with 5 children? I have a full time job and ONE child… you know what were having for dinner tonight? Probably cereal. Just add milk.
Standard.
This show has made me realize how horrible our kitchen is. As for the editing in the cop car, the thing I hated most were the shots from the back through the cage. That is not artsy. They are trying too hard.
Comment about the show: I need to finish the first episode still but I feel like I could like this show, but I’m not sure my threshold for “teenager problems” is very high lately.
Comment about Lhasa Apsos: We just put my Lhasa down about three weeks ago (his name was Frasier, he was 15 and had black fur), so seeing “Lhasa Apso” on Autostraddle’s front page the past few days is bittersweet. But I also think that “Lhasa Apso” is the fun kind of hyper-specific nonsense phrase that should be utilized in comedic recaps of television shows more often, and my dog named after a sitcom character would’ve agreed, so kudos.
Digression 6 had me laughing like a little kid. Absolutely hilarious!
I don’t like Mariana. At all.
The fact that the twins were complaining about Jude and Callie moving in bothered me. I was like “seriously? You cannot be not supportive? That was you a few years ago”
Brandon and Callie. No. Just no.
But besides that I do like this show. Hope it gets good ratings