Letter From Your Editors

Hello Sweet Little Figs!

This month Laneia asked us all to take pictures with our favorite fruit but I didn’t have time to go get raspberries so I just took a picture with a smoothie? I don’t know what everybody else’s journey was but this was mine.

1st row: Molly // Rachel // Stef // Valerie Anne // Carrie // Laneia
2nd row: Riese // Mika // Heather // Al(aina)
3rd row: Vanessa // Sarah // KaeLyn // Carmen

Ah my friends! Here we are again at the conclusion of yet another month, pushing this Insider out into the world at the last possible moment, me reflecting on things we said we were going to do but didn’t do while saying new things about what we are going to do that we may or may not do! I think that’s what happens when you have a very small team and a very small budget — something can happen like, say, weeks of phone calls and meetings to chase down an overdue payment, or, on the other hand of possibilities, a very solid ad sale (in this case, as you may have noticed, to HBO for Gentleman Jack) that involves many moving pieces including planning an actual live event. Which, by the way, we did! I won’t talk more about it here (although do know that it was really great!) because I’m allegedly going to write a post about it very soon so I don’t want to spoil it. But I will say that when an advertiser pays you to do something and it enables you to pay the people who are involved in it (event planner, photographer, talent) something decent instead of what your little company can afford — it’s an incredible feeling… and I want more than ever to be able to do that with everything we do.

So I think I can say looking ahead — at getting To L and Back going, at The Outsiders Issue, at A-Camp, at Shakedown, etc — we’re probably going to launch that storied fundraising campaign (which is still very needed!) after our annual staff retreat, which takes place in mid-July.

Also we hope everybody enjoyed yet ANOTHER round last week of our favorite parlor game, “Wow AfterEllen sucks a lot”! Hahaha isn’t it scary to think about young lesbians finding that site instead of ours and getting their ideas about being gay from them!!! Thanks for making sure we still exist.

Love,

Riese

Co-signed by Laneia / Rachel / Heather / Carmen

Top 10 Most Popular Posts From April

These posts were hella popular last month.

1. Mel B Confirms She and Geri Halliwell Definitely Boned During the Spice Girls’ Glory Days; I Am Deceased, by Stef
2. “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” Introduces Cameron Esposito as Rosa’s Girlfriend Like Some Kind of Soft Butch Fever Dream, by Heather
3. Every Major Female “Star Trek” Character, Ranked By Lesbianism, by Riese
4. Amar a Muerte’s Juliantina Is Your New Favorite Queer Couple, by Kristy Soto
5. Samira Wiley Arrives on “Will & Grace” to Turn Karen’s Bisexuality From Running Joke to Swoony Storyline, by Heather Hogan
6. USC Associate Athletic Director Donna Heinel Is Gay, Did College Admissions Crimes, by Riese
7. Queer Horoscopes for March 2019: Considering Wild New Possibilities, by Corrina Doss
8. It’s Time to Recognize Holland Taylor’s Supreme Domme Energy, by Molly Savard
9. Ellen Page and Lauren Morelli’s “Tales of the City” Is Maybe the Gay Reboot We Actually Need in 2019, by Heather Hogan
10. Queer Eye’s “Black Girl Magic” Is the Blackest, Gayest, Most Moving TV Episode of 2019, by Mackenzie

Nine Important Excerpts From Editorial Conversations

Riese: i really like the trees in this one, Sarah!
Carmen: what happens if that orange tree becomes a green one?
Like a lime green one? Or, not lime, but a bright green.
Bright in the same way that orange is bright.
Sarah: where is Laneia
Riese: this #8 one with the black trees is my favorite
Heather: me too #8
Laneia: HI sorry i’m making dinner
it’s a sad dinner
I LIKE THIS
IT’S CUTE
IT’S SOPHISTICATED IT MAKES ME FEEL STRONG
Sarah: COME OVER FOR DINNER
Laneia: :sob:
Sarah: i’m gonna build the rest of these assets out for you LANSIASSSS
OMG ur new nickname
is LEZnia
ok
Laneia: omg
Sarah: Lezneia
lol
do you like it
Carmen: that’s super cute (I hope she likes it)
Sarah: LEZNEIA DO YOU LIKE IT
:sobbing uncontrollably:
Laneia: i love it it feels like a phase that your college band goes through eventually

Riese: what if instead of it being a music hike it was people sittin gin a circle
*sitting in a circle
Marni: i read “gin circle” and was like “go on”

Robin: who all’s gay here?
Marni: ::raises hand::
Laneia: oh me that’s me i’m gay
Sarah: I am, also a gay
Drew: I just watched All Over Me for the first time so I’m feeling even gayer than usual
Mackenzie: I’m like 75% there.
Laneia: the 90s really worked
Stef: oh not me sorry i just walked in the wrong door

Riese: wow someone wrote me a really in depth critique of a really old post
in an email. I think… she’s probably right about everything she said but i also don’t care so i’m not sure where to go.
Heather: that’s how the five relationships i had before stacy ended, with that exact sentiment

Kristin: Hello! Do we have any certified lifeguards on staff aside from Molly and Mack?
Taylor: ftr i sadly did not get certified, the training stuff conflicted with Other Weekend Commitments
Stef: no but i am on board if you need someone to drown, myself or others
and always down to be slide top
Isa: luv 2 drown
Mackenzie: Please, someone, anyone, get certified!!! :joy::joy::sob::sob:
Stef: save me mackenzie
Molly: ok stef i love you as a slide top, you had great energy and really brought the safety
Robin: So important in a slide top
Stef: the role i was born to play

Sarah: I will need you to stick in the Gentleman Jack event details at the end and will have those for you this afternoon! There will be an open bar/cocktail hour!!!
Heather: okay! perfect!
an open bar and brittani nichols reading about grubbling
if every lesbian in los angeles isn’t lined up at 5am, i don’t even know

Rachel: okay despite MANY DETRACTORS the geode dildo has been spoken for, the two vibrators are still up for grabs for the rest of the day
Vanessa: I’m devastated that it’s not me
But I will survive
I look forward to commenting
Enthusiastically
With my idea about using it while bleeding
:blood-moon:
Stef: i’m gonna put a lightbulb in it
Laneia: take it with you to parties
Stef: i guess the solution is just to boil it really carefully
Laneia: as you would an asparagus
Stef: a squeeze of lemon, some salt and pepper

Riese: what if i publish a two-part essay on A+ for The Outsiders and the first part is the Lost in the Woods essay i wrote about me + [ex] but never published, which ends with so much optimism and love for her, and the second part is the Breakup Essay I wrote about me + [ex], which ends with despair and hopelessness
Laneia: wait i like the first part but then cut the love at the end and replace it with “And then! She turned out to be a malicious liar!”
Heather: or you could make it a two parter, one for this issue and one for next month’s Cunt Issue

Best Laid Plan(ner)s

A BRAND NEW SEGMENT JUST FOR YOU!! Every month a different editor will give you a sneak peak into their notebook organization situation. This month Carmen’s giving you a guided tour of her Passion Planner! And yes, she’s aware that a running theme is how many days it takes to force herself to do laundry. She really hates laundry!

What We’ve Been Reading

Carrie: The Collected Schizophrenias: Essays by Esmé Weijun Wang

Heather: Naamah: A Novel by Sarah Blake

Valerie Anne: The Incendiaries by R.O. Kwon

Natalie: Shortest Way Home: One Mayor’s Challenge and a Model for America’s Future

Riese:: Long Live The Tribe of Fatherless Girls, by T Kira Madden

Alexis: Deaf Republic: Poems by Ilya Kaminsky

Al(aina): Choosing a Jewish Life: A Handbook for People Converting to Judaism and for Their Family and Friends by Anita Diamant

Rachel: Conversations With Friends, by Sally Rooney

Kayla: Mostly Dead Things by Kristen Arnett

Carmen: The Source of Self-Regard: Selected Essays, Speeches, and Meditations by Toni Morrison

Sarah: The Summer of Dead Birds by Ali Liebegott

Mika: In the Distance by Hernan Diaz

MEET A WRITER’S PET!

Get to know some of our writer’s pets. Today we’ll get to know more about Molly’s dog, Huck!

What’s your favorite food (includes human food)?

My favorite food is anything my roommate is eating. She is tall so she can reach the counters, which is where all the food is, and I’m not very tall so I just wait for her to pass me a bite. She usually does! My very favorites though are McDonald’s (I think this has something to do with my mysterious past!) and long noodles, which I will eat like a potato shark if you dangle them above me because I mean BUSINESS.

What’s your most perfect sleeping scenario?

I need my fleece blanket, and even though it is six feet long and I am four feet long (Roommate Note: he is less than a foot long). Yes, I need all of it or else I feel shortchanged. Then, I need my roommate to be in the room, next to me, where I can easily see her if I open my eyes. I do not want to have to lift my head from out of the covers to look for her, do you understand? I usually handle this by falling asleep with my butt against her. It doesn’t matter where I’m sleeping or what she’s doing, as long as my butt is touching her, I know it will be OK. Also there needs to be sunshine because sunshine is my jam.

If you could have a home on the beach, near mountains, or in a lush forest, which would you pick and why?

NO BEACHES oh my god water is horrible have you seen water?? It’s all cold and wet and splashy! I hate it. I refuse to get my feet dirty or damp. I already live near the mountains, and I love it because I’m a huge dog (Roommate Note: please don’t tell him otherwise). I feel like a wolf when I’m in the forest. I hunt down all the smells in my nose, and I snoof them out like my dachshund foredoggers. I would love to hunt the deer who are the same size as me (Roommate: *rolls eyes*) and who graze in the field next to where I live, but my roommate says we don’t have enough room in the freezer.

Would you say you’ve seen a ghost?

I don’t get out of bed for anything less than ectoplasm, honey. I’ve been alive for 10 years. That’s so long! I’ve seen so much! I’ve seen the ghosts of loved ones, and the ghosts of my dead and dying dreams. I’ve seen the ghosts of our collective misery. The horror is that they don’t have any hands to pet me.

Which fictional dog do you look up to and why?

I really think Shadow did his best to get Chance and the Sassy back home. I know Chance gets a lot of fans because he’s “the bad boy” and “the handsome one,” but Shadow kept them together. Shadow also has the respect of the Sassy, which is important.

What do you wish you could say to your roommate?

I’d tell her that even though I don’t kiss her, I love her. And I’d tell her that it’s OK that she cried on me, and hugged me, and held me close, even though I don’t always love that. It was OK because I love her, and I knew she was sad. I couldn’t say anything so I stared at her with my humongous eyeballs and beamed love at her, and she knew she wasn’t alone. I’d also like to tell her that I hate birds.

SLACKERS

This month in Slack, I accidentally imported a very personal Google Doc into a conversation where I meant to be importing a spreadsheet of TV Team stats. Not very long after that, in a completely different channel, Vanessa revealed that she had a Google Doc called “stories about my vagina.” And so I asked everyone to tell me on Google Doc in their Google Drive that is completely on brand for them but that they’d never shared before.

Vanessa: “stories about my vagina” obv.
Heather: “women sharing body heat to stay alive fan fiction master list”
Molly: “places that feel haunted only to me”
Kayla: “mrs. dalloway but sadder”
Laneia: “I need lamps don’t I?”
Drew: I have a doc titled “Shit List” that is an ever growing list of people in Hollywood (men, 99% men) I’d never work with because of shit they’ve done
KaeLyn: i thought i wouldn’t have anything to answer because i mostly have work stuff in there, but there is this one that feels very gratingly on brand. It’s called “baby name brainstorm” and has exactly four words and one punctuation in it:

Piper
Hunter
Tobyn
Avery?

Molly: i also have a note in my phone that just says “where is everyone getting ringpops”
Al(aina): “pros and cons of driving”
Valerie: my most on brand one is probably “Space Lesbians” an unfinished short story about…well, lesbians in space
Riese: “in the event of my death”
sorry
Sarah: “Feelings are gross.”
Casey: “Help Casey plan the future of Casey the Canadian Lesbrarian” My poor book blog needs love and it’s always the last on my to-do list.
Carolyn: literally the only never-shared google doc I have is called “Reading 2013” and it is, perhaps unsurprisingly, a list of the things I read in 2013. (confessional weird personal shit goes in evernote duh)

“The L Word” Retro-Reading

This month marked the launch of our incredible hit podcast, To L and Back. Here’s some highlights of previous L Word coverage… although honestly, we have 137 posts tagged with “The L Word” so I don’t know where to start!!!

via More Than L-Words: Top 10 Fake L-Word Episodes I Just Made Up

25 Lesbian Relationship and Friendship Truths As Told By “The L Word”, by Riese (2013) — “Just because a girl says she’s straight doesn’t mean she won’t make out with you. (Or date you.)” and more things we learned from The L Word. Gifs and pics galore!

I Made All My Friends Reenact The Planet From “The L Word” for a Week and Now Everyone Hates Me, by Stephanie (2017) – “I needed to know how they did it. I needed to see if the “way that we live,” was a way that I could live.”

The Astrological Signs of Everyone’s Hair in The L Word, by Erin (2018) – “Alice’s hair plays it safe this season, and quite frankly? That’s fine. She had a solid couple of seasons of looking like a homemade jerky enthusiast so we’re going to allow her to look like she models knit sweaters for Madewell for a bit if that’s what she wants.”

Schecter 3:16 (Or How Jenny Schecter Saved My Life), by Heather (2014) – “I hadn’t realized it the first time I watched: how righteous her fury really was, how deeply neglected were the wounds of her childhood (one of the show’s many enormous failures was never getting Jenny into therapy), how terrified she was of her own potential for creating chaos, and all the million ways she begged and pleaded and cried out for compassion.”

Autostraddle Presents: “The L Word WTF?!” Video Part #1 (2009), by Riese – “THE MUSIC BEGINS! And THEN! Bam!! -Max feels the baby kick BAM! – it’s Henry’s back fucking Tina – the music rises and BAM-BAM – The Nanny gives Angus a Blow Job BAM! Jenny with the paper dolls–”

Listling Without Commentary: 22 Excerpts From Brutal Amazon Customer Reviews Of “The L Word”, by Riese (2015) – I forgot I even wrote this, maybe you did too!

Listling With Minimal Commentary: How We Watched The L Word In Secret, by Maddie (2014) – “I requested DVDs from the library but was too afraid to have them shipped to my branch of the library in case my parents saw them under my name, so I drove 45 minutes to the library that had them to take them out.”

Live from Australia: Things I Don’t Understand About “The L Word” (or “Crystal Loves Papi”), by Crystal (2009) – “See … I’m a little behind regarding the going-ons of this show because ’til just last year, I hadn’t even seen it. Some could say that makes me a lousy lesbian but in my defense, Australian free TV only aired the first season which’s why “this train’s running so late for lezzie town.”

Listling Without Commentary: Conversations I Had While Watching the L Word for the First Time, by Carmen (2014)  – Just really solid stuff here.

The Long Road to L and Back

Prior to this conversation commencing, we’d talked about podcast titles on text, the transcript of which is now too buried for me to access. My best ideas thus far were Lez Girls and My Lover Cindi.

Feb 4th

Riese: FYI from the senior staff i have 5 votes for Lez Girls and 1 vote for My Lover Cindi
Kristin: also noted on the voting for lez girls
WHY DO I HATE IT
its really revealing a lot to me about me
Riese: i don’t know why you hate it!
Kristin: me either
Riese: it makes perfect sense as a title
Kristin: its not that its nonsensical
its that i hate LEZ
hence my personal self-analysis
Riese: i mean i am not a big fan of “lez” in english
but it’s french SO
Kristin: right but its the only way people will READ it
LEZ GIRLS
lol
Riese: no b/c they will have seen the l word
Kristin: some of them…
Riese: and know that it is pronounced Lay Girls
we’ll tell them

…later that same day…

Kristin: How about
I’m Ovulating: An L Word Podcast
Lololololol
I’ve Been Doing These Really Terrible Things
Riese: Really Terrible Things
hmmm though sounds like commentary on the show
Kristin: True
How about
Talking, laughing, loving, breathing
Fighting, f*cking, crying, drinking
Riding, winning, losing, cheating
Kissing, thinking, dreaming: An L Word Podcast
:joy::joy::joy::joy::joy:
I’m having a great time tonight
Riese: do u think that you are homophobic and that’s why you cannot accept Lez Girls
Kristin: It’s the z
The z makes me homophobic
Riese: IT’S FRENCH Kristin
Kristin: LES is French
HOW IS LEZ ALSO FRENCH
How about
It’s French, Kristin: An L Word Podcast
Riese: it is also french!
what if we called it lès girls, then
when everybody would tell us IT’S LEZ GIRLS
Kristin: I still think there’s something to Talking, laughing, loving, breathing
Fighting, f*cking, crying, drinking
Riding, winning, losing, cheating
Kissing, thinking, dreaming: An L Word Podcast
Lolololololol
Us having to say that at the start and end of every episode makes me pee laughing
Riese: well i’d finally win the l word challenge
Kristin: Fine we can call the stupid podcast stupid Lez Girls
But my entire shtick is going to be how much I hate the title of my own podcast
Riese: we could let twitter vote
maybe they’ll prefer My Lover Cindy
or we could pick an episode title
Last Word was the title of their last episode but that sounds serious
Let’s Do It
Losing It
Looking Back
Kristin: Wait were they all Ls
Riese: lol
yes
Kristin: Hahahahaha
God I have so much to learn
Riese: Labia Majora
Light My Fire
Kristin: Like The Tongue That Goes Down
Riese: wowowow
Kristin: Long time coming, also fun
Riese: Look Out, Here They Come!
Kristin: lol
Riese: Lesbians Gone Wild
Last Couple Standing
Kristin: You didn’t think “Lactose Intolerant” works?
Riese: hahahaha
the second worst episode of television i have ever seen
Kristin: Hahahahaha
What’s the first
Riese: the last episode of the l word
“The last word”
Kristin: Lolol
Riese: what did u think of Provocations
we could call it Too Hot, the weird game shane plays with carmen
i feel Lez Girls might really be the best i can do!!!
Kristin: Listen it is very clear to me that you will only do this podcast if we call it Lez Girls
Provocations is great if you know the show
And otherwise it sounds like two lesbians taking themselves too seriously
Which I think is part of my fear with Lez Girls
But less so
Riese: interesting
Circles Are Great

Feb 7th

Kristin: Okay I don’t think we should call it Lez Girls
IM SORRY
Riese: WOW
ok why
Kristin: Well. I’ve thought a lot about it and one thing I realized is that a lot of things that have Lez in the title are not the greatest
Then I said you know what. Heather likes this name she will convince me
Riese: yeah i mean Lez is a term often used by bad websites and podcasts and t-shirt brands in the world
for sure
But also for some cool good websites and events and stuff too!
We’ve used it a lot
Kristin: True
Heather said she liked it bc it was a good inside joke but that she felt like it was a title for HERslash the people who knew
And that’s my actual biggest fear with it
Is that the bigger audience is ppl who DONT know…
Riese: okay
that’s a fair point
Kristin: That’s all I’ve got

Feb 8th

Kristin: Also what about something like This Is The Way That We: An L Word Podcast — Maybe not precisely that but something LIKE that
The Way That We or some other specific lyric / quote pull that can be general too
Riese: yeah i had an idea along these lines like two hours ago but it has since left my brain, it could come back though
Oh I think it was “completely dismantled” which I maybe suggested before
Kristin: What’s that from?
Riese:

Kristin: Oh LORD
she talking to marina?
Riese: yes
then they make out
Kristin: Lololol
I don’t hate it
And we would be… completely dismantling the show?
Riese: right
i’m not in love with it but it’s an option!

Feb 9th

Riese: what the L
For the L of it
Give em L
L on Earth
Like a bat out of L
Saved by the L
To L and Back
Kristin: Omg
I almost said LOL but thought you might think I was submitting it as an idea
Kristin: To L & Back I think has a ~ something ~ to it
Has*
its pretty great
i think you may have DONE IT Riese

Five Posts Rachel Can’t Believe You Motherf*ckers Didn’t Read Last Month

“Gentleman Jack” Is Your Sex-Filled Soft Butch Historical Drama Dream Come True, by Heather Hogan

Sex-filled! Soft butch! Soft! Butch! Historical drama! Are you kidding me! Even if Gentleman Jack wasn’t partnering with us (and we are so glad they are!) this would be indescribably perfect for you and me and everyone we know. If you aren’t already losing your mind over the prospect, please read Heather’s review and join us here.

Queer Women Truly Are More Likely to Be Tree-Hugging Hippies, by Riese

This was so fascinating to me! I am slowly realizing that because my social circles are so queer I think I have a very skewed sense of how normal ‘green’ practices like recycling are and it’s really interesting to see us in perspective with the rest of the world on this and other issues that aren’t ‘explicitly’ ‘queer.’

How I Let Queer Literature Come Out to my Middle School Students for Me, by Samantha Panepinto

I loved this essay! Teaching is an almost indescribably weird and layered job; you are in a position of such authority and responsibility and at the same time so personally vulnerable, and have to maintain such a carefully constructed persona while also offering the possibility of real human connection to your students. It’s a very difficult balancing act, and bringing in the question of outness as a queer person only make it more so. This is such a good exploration of how one teacher handled it!

“Sex Education” Taught Me How to Masturbate, by Drew

This is so fucking good! Fuck! I wanted to send it to everyone I know, which is no small feat considering it’s an essay entitled “‘Sex Education’ Taught Me How to Masturbate.” Truly though, it’s an incredible piece of personal writing, very smart cultural criticism, and an unforgettable introduction to Drew’s perfect brain as one of the newest writers at AS. If you thought that Sex Education had given us all it had to give with Gillian Anderson’s robes, you were very wrong and that’s great!

Carolstraddle, by Carol

Hello are you AWARE. of Carolstraddle? This is me reaching out as a friend, to you, because I’m concerned that you might not know about the Good Word of Carolstraddle, a day when we could lay down our cares and our woes and think about what really matters, the reason for the season, Carol the Dog. Rejoice in this extremely alarming photoshop job of a cat with Carol’s face! Find out the 411 on Carol’s feelings about other animals! Have you ever wondered about what outfits Carol wears, or what American Girl Doll furniture might be a good fit for her? The good news is Carolstraddle HAS YOU COVERED. And me, and Carol. Carolstraddle! Why not some Carol?

Laneia’s Pick of the Month

This month I think you should go to the very first item on your Saved for Later list on Amazon or any such store, and then buy it. Whatever it is. Just go ahead and finish what you started all those years ago. Looks like I’ll be getting this Summerfield Terrace Nostalgic Bicycle Home Garden Decor Iron Plant Stand, which, YAY!!??! Only 13 left in stock!

Social Media Spotlight

Top 10 Twitter replies of April!

Can we please have a list of the 100 best heterophobic movies of all times? I’m planing to buy a new projector

— Paulita Pappel (@PaulitaPappel) April 28, 2019

That's a shame. I am brining a Cyrano de Bergerac-style lesbian teen ham and was excited someone else might have been too.

— BFA (ret.) Jones Miller (@lebigmal010) April 23, 2019

Brine everything in salty lesbians.

— Sylvía Drekisdóttir, Álfadrottning (@syleegrrl) April 23, 2019

Where is the gif of Jenny? Not enough gifs of season 1 Jenny on Tumblr btw

— Karly (@karlycay) April 29, 2019

Found a long lost @autostraddle browser tab open on my laptop. Apparently if you don’t refresh the page for a few weeks, it can be Carolstraddle every day 😂 pic.twitter.com/eO7qe8Uz28

— Anna (@astro_kari) April 22, 2019

Wow moving to LA immediately

— duze (@beatrixkiddo555) April 23, 2019

My mother is emailing me about Gentleman Jack like I don't read @autostraddle

— Marika Pea (@marikapea) April 24, 2019

Omgggggg si happy por that!

— Barbara Lopez (@barbara_lopez21) April 19, 2019

https://twitter.com/FckUpButtercup/status/1113011480419536896

P.S. @autostraddle is the smarter, bolder and funnier queer women's site that supports and respects queer transgender queens. Film and episodic TV folks should purchase ads and invite them to press junkets. #indiefilm pic.twitter.com/A8eJjlJwOw

— Martine Joelle ✨☸️🏳️‍🌈 (@martinejoelle) April 28, 2019

SHIT HAS BEEN GAY

FRIDAY AFTERNOON

Laneia: i’m just on a gender high horse today i think
Rachel: a cover of the kacey musgraves song called ‘gender high horse’
Laneia: !!!!!!
Heather: “you can have your geeeender, high horse.”
“i ain’t gonna fence you in”
Laneia: aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh
great now i have to listen to kacey musgraves
Rachel: I wish we were courageous enough as a community to discuss how gay that album is
“space cowboy” is about dating an emotionally unavailable butch who wears a lot of white tees with the sleeves rolled up
Heather: space cowboy is the most “i fell in love with a rogue butch” song i have ever heard in my life
omg
Rachel: Heather :sob:
Heather: NOW I KNOW IT’S TRUE
i have never discussed this with anyone!
Rachel: it’s just objectively, obviously true
Laneia: ok wait
Rachel: like she might as well have called it “it’s fine, jan, keep my ashtray”
Laneia: i
ok wait
WAIT
Heather: YES
Laneia: i have listened to this song so many times and just thought “god why this song is so boring and cliche ugh” but i just hit play and read what y’all wrote and my heart SKIPPED at the thought of it being a butch woman riding off in a silverado ! MOTHERFUCKER
goddamn motherfucker
i am going to sob my face off to this song later
Heather: mmm good call
if you put on noise cancelling headphones you can sing-cry while you dance and you won’t even have to hear your own voice
Rachel: you can just hear kacey singing with wry resignation “i know my place, and it ain’t with you”
normal and fine
Heather:shoulda learned from the movies that good guys don’t run away

Laneia: i am never forgiving y’all for this
Rachel: love u
Heather: we had our day in the sun when a horse wants to run ain’t no sense in closing the gate

cowboy
welp
Laneia: 

Heather: ahahahaha!!
Rachel:

Laneia: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Heather: tumblr thinks taylor swift’s song “dress” from the reputation album is about cara delevingne
Rachel: it’s so obviously gay
Heather: sooooo gay
Rachel: I thought karlie kloss but cara too
Heather: “i don’t want you like a best friend”
Rachel: makes sense
‘gorgeous’ also feels gay
Heather: sooooo gay
she never uses feminine-y adjectives to talk about anyone besides harry styles and this is way too late in the game for that
Rachel: homosexual

Heather: mmmhmm
we should rank the songs cara delevingne inspired by lesbianism
Rachel: I wish liz could write a listicle of her gay song lyrics
Heather: !
Rachel: she’s been banging this drum since like 2014
Heather:

i think the time could be now
no better time for this drum imo
Our secret moments in a crowded room
They’ve got no idea about me and you
There is an indentation in the shape of you
Made your mark on me, a golden tattoo
All of this silence and patience, pining in anticipation
My hands are shaking from holding back from you (ah, ah, ah)
All of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting
My hands are shaking from holding back from all this (ha, ha, ha, ha)
THAT IS SO GAY
Rachel: pining???
what straight person has ever pined
Heather: none
Rachel: none!
Heather: zero straight persons
Laneia: WAIT STEALIN’ MY HEART INSTEAD OF STEALIN’ MY CROWN
WHY IS THIS SO GAY
Rachel: I know
did you get to Oh What a World yet
which is 100% about being in gay love for the first time
Laneia: god not yet

[…six hours later…]

Laneia: HAPPY & SAD IS ALSO GAY
MOTHERFUCK
i’m burning everything down
excuse me is there a name for the style of singing she does where it’s like she’s half asleep but still pitch perfect
what is that
Heather: gay
Laneia you should do a playlist called Wait a Goddamn Second
about songs you just realized are gay
excerpt: hold your horses, space cowboy
Laneia: well the thing is!
like honestly if i can be earnest and dumb for a minute, the thing that’s fucking me up is that i never felt the authority to just declare or even vaguely feel like a thing was gay
Heather: YES.
THAT’S IT EXACTLY
and ESPECIALLY not country music
legit country music
Laneia: SHIT WAS GAY HEATHER
SHIT HAS BEEN GAY
Heather: EXACTLY
that’s what riese said in her lesbian visibility roundtable!
we have always been here being gay!
Laneia: high horse is just biting on some tegan and sara vibes
i am going to die
SORRY I JUST
Heather: mmm no doubt
Laneia: also high horse is just about being scared as fuck about your own gayness
i am
going to die
ANYWAY
Heather: yes!!

— MONDAY MORNING —

Rachel:: listening to space cowboy and sharing here for the sake of transparency
Laneia:: thank you; also for this sake i listened to it on repeat saturday until i fell asleep

XOXO

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