BREAKING: Aisha Tyler Might Be Dating Her “True Love” Emily Bett Rickards or at Least Likes Kissing Her

Actress / Comedian / TV Host Aisha Tyler (Criminal Minds, Friends, Archer) and Canadian actress Emily Bett Rickards (Arrow) have been very close affectionate friends for a few years now, but Aisha really took these sapphic shenanigans next level this weekend by posting a photo strip of the two women looking like VERY close friends, labeling the photo “True Love.” This has inspired several reputable sources to declare the two an official couple of non-heterosexual orientation and we would not be doing our job if we did not do the same!!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BpbbTewHc08/?utm_source=ig_embed

BET has declared:

The former The Talk co-host recently took to Instagram to share with her followers that she is currently in a healthy, swirly, same-sex romance with Arrow actress Emily Bett Rickards.

In July, 48-year-old Aisha celebrated Emily’s 27th birthday with an Instagram retrospective of their very close friendship, which appears to involve spending as much time together as humanly possible.

“Happy happy birthday @emilybett!,” she wrote. “I could go on here about how much you mean to me, but I am going to tell you directly into your lovely face instead like an actual living human being. Suffice it to say these pics are only a partial visual summary of this incredible year, and but a preview of good things to come. You’re aces.”

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Tyler was married to attorney Jeff Tietjens for 25 years before their divorce in 2016. She’s long been an advocate for LGBT rights, and said on The Talk in April 2016, “I personally think that everybody is a tiny bit gay. I do. I think that everyone is on a spectrum. Some people are very gay with a little bit of straight some people are very straight with a little bit of gay.”

“Every once in a while I will see a very beautiful girl and think she looks like she would be nice to kiss,” Tyler added, which she concluded makes her “a little bit gay.” She joked, “we all got drunk in college and made out with our girlfriends,” only to be one-upped by co-host Sheryl Underwood who wanted everybody to know, “I don’t have to be drunk to do that. I do that sober.” Okay Sheryl!

In 2014, on an episode of Professor Blastoff with Tig Notaro, Aisha Tyler told Tig, “I liked boys very early…My sexual spectrum is much broader now. I was a heterosexual at like, 4, and now I’m like, I like everybody.”

According to a May 2018 ScreenRant post on who Arrowverse members were dating, Emily was single and kept her dating life very private, although it was noted that many suspected she was dating her Arrow co-star Coloton Haynes in 2013 (he’s gay and married celebrity florist Jeff Leatham in 2017) and also had a “quick relationship” with model Lucy Pinder. ” It was strictly rumored and never fully confirmed by either person,” wrote ScreenRant about this Lucy business, “but something seemed to be there, at least in the eyes of certain tabloids.” According to the internet, Lucy Pinder won “Best Breasts in the World” in 2007 and I have no idea why anybody ever thought she was dating Emily.

“Emily Bett Rickards has pinged for me FOREVER,” said noted Arrow expert Valerie Anne. “So I wouldn’t be surprised, but I could also see her being the type to kiss her friends in photo booths.”

To be fair, Emily is absolutely physically affectionate with her friends in a numerous amount of photographs.

Emily and Aisha worked together on the indie film Axis in 2016, which Aisha directed and funded through a Kickstarter campaign.

This potential romance is big news for me specifically because I have loved Aisha Tyler for so long, starting with when she hosted Talk Soup on E!, does anybody remember that? Do you remember when she was the only Black person to ever get a recurring role on Friends, a show that allegedly took place in New York City? Aisha Tyler is very tall. I love a tall woman!

Anyhow, additional evidence that the two are a union includes an instagram pic of the duo by Emily labeled “Bae day” from April, Aisha calling Emily “my <3” in September, this obvious date, Aisha being friends with all of Emily’s friends, the duo walking a number of red carpets together (e.g., Golden Globes After-Party, Comic Con, the Vulture Festival, the CW UpFronts, the Barnstable Brown Kentucky Derby Eve Gala) during which the mouth of one has often tended to find its way to the skin of the other,

The case against: Aisha referring to Emily as her “bestie” in this very rude picture from Sundance, Aisha referring to activities with Emily as “friendship magic.”

Do you ever feel like you’re watching someone go through the phase of a relationship where you don’t want the other person to get freaked out that you’re being too serious too quickly so you do a bunch of social media posts to make it seem like you’re definitely not serious at all? I haven’t done this obviously, I just know people who have.

In conclusion, if these two women are not dating, they are clearly in love and therefore definitely should be. Go for it! It’s 2018 and we only have like five years of clean air left.

RETURNING A SWEATSHIRT?? Kristen Stewart Seen Leaving Ex Alicia Cargile’s Home

Everybody’s favorite real-life Shane Kristen Stewart turned quite a few heads this morning (mostly the heads of paparazzi who don’t have a lot else going on) when she was seen leaving the home of her former paramour (and in this reporter’s opinion, One True Love) Alicia Cargile. Depending on who you talk to, this is or isn’t a huge deal – I mean, you leave buildings all the time, right? Who knows who lives there? Maybe it’s your ex, maybe it’s your uncle, maybe it’s the post office, who can really say? The ever-classy Daily Mail made sure to note that Victoria’s Secret model and apparent famous person Stella Maxwell (who has been dating Stewart for the better part of the last few months) was nowhere to be seen, a sure sign that the pair are headed for trouble, despite Kristen literally risking her life to take a good picture of Stella as recently as May 31st. While Maxwell and Stewart are reportedly shacking up in Stewart’s Los Feliz home, the two have not been photographed together in at least a week (which is six months in celesbian time). Everybody knows a lesbian couple cannot spend more than three hours apart without breaking up.

Most glaringly, Stewart was seen leaving Cargile’s home in the same outfit she had been wearing the day before, as she had been photographed pumping gas.

photos via Backgrid/JustJared

The star has also been recently seen roaming Los Angeles, running errands, having apparently “adapted her look perfectly to her peroxide blonde buzzcut” (whatever that means). What conclusions can we draw from this information? Well, it depends who you ask:

• Kristen and Alicia are definitely sleeping together and Stella is OVER
• Kristen and Stella are open or whatever and it doesn’t matter what Kristen does
• Kristen and Alicia are mature friends who crash at each other’s houses sometimes, and last night Alicia did Kristen’s roots while they watched Netflix and ate Cheetos
• Kristen got lost on the way home from Lassen’s and was staying at an Airbnb that just happened to be in Alicia’s building
• Kristen’s entire wardrobe consists of identical outfits, like Daria:

Draw your own conclusions. I for one have missed these two together. Have you ever visited your ex-girlfriend’s home for reasons that may seem mysterious to people who have no real cause to observe your life? What were you doing? Tell me about it.

I Said Yes To The (Gay Wedding) Dress

feature image via shutterstock

When Penny* and I decided that we were going to get married, I really only had one super-traditional thing that I absolutely insisted on: I was going to wear a beautiful white dress. There were lots of things on my “these things would be really awesome if you’re okay with them” list, but the dress was 100% non-negotiable. I’d honestly have taken a courthouse ceremony and no reception, so long as I got my moment in that fucking dress.

From a feminist standpoint, I totally get all the really terrible, oppressive buillshit that the white dress represents, and I absolutely respect my partner’s (and anyone else’s) decision to not engage in the whole white-dress phenomenon. But for me, the dress isn’t about my purity or virginity, especially since I’m thoroughly debauched and don’t believe in the concept of virginity. It’s me clinging to one tiny ritual, one single tradition as a stand-in for the all the rites of passage that I missed out on because I was assigned the wrong gender at birth. I didn’t get to shop for homecoming or prom dresses (well, at least not for me) or to spend the day with my girlfriends getting hair and nails done on the big day. I skipped our formals in college because it felt depressing to wear a suit to them. I didn’t get to wear a terrible dress with four other girls when one of my close college friends got married. Part of me will always feel a little robbed because I can’t go back and re-experience those things as the real me. I can’t change the past, but dammit, I can walk down the aisle, out and proud and every bit the person I want to be, in a fucking white dress while everyone oohs and ahhs about how gorgeous I look.

The funny part is that I’m really not that feminine, for the most part. Sure, I have a weird obsession with vintage-y clothing, pin-up makeup, and retro hair. But, most of the time I find it all to be way too much work, and opt for comfy clothes, the bare minimum makeup, and my hair in ponytail. I’m thoroughly comfortable with my non-butch/non-femme alt-librarian-dyke look. And yet, shortly after we set our wedding date, and before we had even announced it to anyone, I found myself obsessively poring over wedding websites, trying to piece together what I wanted in my wedding dress, and sheepishly watching episodes of Say Yes To The Dress.

Planning a queer wedding in Michigan is no small thing. Since marriage equality still hasn’t made it to Michigan (we’re having our ceremony in Canada), we’re the first queer/lesbian wedding that many of our vendors have ever done. And, since I’m the person who’s actually local to where our wedding is happening, I’ve had to handle a lot of the vendor interactions. Having the double anxiety of both having to worry if they’re going to get weird because we’re queer AND wondering if they’re going to clock me as trans and get weird about that has made the entire process pretty effing stressful. In the midst of all that, I knew I still needed to find a dress, but kept putting off the actual going-in-and-trying-on of dresses, because, to be perfectly honest, I was absolutely terrified. Even though I’ve been out for years now and haven’t really had any bad experiences, trying on clothes in stores is still something that makes me pretty nervous. I’m convinced someone is going to suspect I’m trans and freak the fuck out that I dare use the dressing room. The idea of walking into a bridal shop and being measured and all the other super up-close interactions that come with looking for a wedding dress… well, let’s just say I had visions of assaults, arrests, and my face splashed all over the local news.

So, during my last visit to New York to see Penny, we stood just 92 days out from wedding, and I still didn’t have a dress, still hadn’t even tried on a dress. One Friday evening, while we were discussing what items we still had to take care of on our wedding to-do list, we happened across what we had started to call “the dress conundrum.” Since we had decided to eschew a wedding party, neither of us had someone who was contractually obligated to endure something as tortuous as wedding dress shopping with us, and were therefore quietly kicking the can down road. Penny is cisgender, but finds the rigamarole of shopping (especially dress shopping) exhausting and annoying. Still, she had at least mustered enough patience for one trip into a bridal shop — a far sight better than me. In midst of our discussion, we realized that Burlington, VT (just a short drive away) was probably going to be the place most convenience to either of us where a cis/trans queer couple could shop for wedding dresses without raising a ruckus. We also realized that we had zero attachment to the whole “you shouldn’t see your intended in their wedding dress before the wedding” thing, and decided that the best way for us to tackle dress-finding was as a team. Being the women of action that we are, we opted to tackle the problem the next day, but gave ourselves a firm four-hour time limit to save our sanity from the onslaught of foofery and heteronormativity that would be coming our way.

Our first stop on Mission: Wedding Dresses was a national chain, mostly because we literally had no idea where else to start. We walked to a scene that I can only describe as total chaos. There were easily 50 people in the already fairly-cramped store, and the whole thing was frankly, totally overwhelming. I distinctly remember grabbing Penny’s hand firmly as if to keep from getting swept away by the sea of white satin, ivory organza, and the snapping jaws of potential bridezillas. The middle aged woman manning what appeared to be a check-in desk eyed us with what we assumed to be suspicion or confusion and asked if we had an appointment. Being total wedding rookies, we were absolutely appointment-less. It hadn’t occurred to either of us that trying on wedding dresses was the sort of thing one actually scheduled purposefully, instead of deciding on a last minute whim when the both of you were feeling particularly bold. The check-in woman snipped that they were “full for the day” and couldn’t possibly squeeze us in. I wasn’t super inclined to press the issue, but I had worked up the nerve to walk into the effing place, so I was going to at least LOOK at dresses, and I wandered off to do just that. Penny, on the other hand, had decided that trying on wedding dresses was our agenda that day and, come hell or high water, we were going to fucking try on wedding dresses. What cajoling and insistence she applied to the women working there, I’ll never know, but a few minutes later she found me and informed that they had found a spot for us.

About 15 minutes later, our names were called (well, butchered, but ya know), and we were introduced to our “bridal consultant,” a woman so bubbly I honestly feared she might float away. Penny and I later hypothesized that she was the person in the store whose duty it was to handle “weird people.” When she began to ask us what we were looking for in our dresses, it became readily apparent just how bad both Penny and I are at girl stuff. Our responses were slightly more eloquent than “They should be dresses,” but only just. I was waiting for this woman to throw up her hands in exasperation, mumble something about lesbians, and just storm off. Lucky for us, it appears that bridal consultants (or at least this particular bridal consultant) have the patience of Buddhist monks and the interrogation skills of an FBI agent, because she slowly managed to coax quasi-useful words out of us before whisking off to our shared dressing room.

Oh man, the shared dressing room. We were definitely the only girls sharing a dressing room. And, we were very obviously “together.” While the woman working with us never batted an eyelash, everyone else around kept eyeing us as if we were going to suddenly start having loud lesbian sex once the door was closed.

In any case, it turns out that the first step of wedding dress shopping is find a strapless bra that fits. This was yet another case in which Penny and I thoroughly demonstrated our utter failure at girl stuff. Both of us wear bras every day, and were relatively confident in our bra sizes. It still took us both three tries to get one that even marginally fit us, and the hilariously fumbling as we assisted each other with the FIFTEEN hooks on the back of these monstrous long-line bras. Again, we were expecting frustration or impatience from the woman working with us as we repeatedly failed at something as basic as KNOWING WHAT SIZE BRA WE WEAR, but her cheery, helpful disposition never wavered.

By this point, we were both already pretty overwhelmed by the entire process and wondering what the hell we had gotten ourselves into. But we had a mission, and we had come this far, so we pushed on. With the bra situation finally handled, our first round of dresses arrived. This is when things really started to get silly. As it turns out, not-petite girls both trying to putting on fancy dresses in a small dressing room at the same time is both hilarious and complicated, and we bumped into each other, knocked each other over, and I caught an elbow in square in the boob. Not shockingly, both our first dresses were a no, and so quickly another pair of dresses arrived. And then another. And then another. At one point, there were eight dresses, plus two girls and crammed into a 6×6 cubicle. It look (and felt) like we were wrestling with a giant albino squid made of satin, organza, chiffon, and tulle. All the while, our bubbly consultant patiently endured us, noting what we liked and hated, and slowly narrowing down the pool of dresses.

Then, it happened. After heaven-only-knows how many dresses, I stepped out the dressing room for the umpteenth time and looked in the mirror, and didn’t just shout “NOPE” and stomp back in. I just stared for a minute, speechless. It was THE dress. It wasn’t quite the tear-filled Say Yes To The Dress moment, but it was definitely a little emotional. Penny, who had been switching to another dress, actually asked me if I was okay because it was the first time I had stopped making cranky noises in the last 45 minutes. I walked around, I twirled, I admired myself from all sides. But, mostly I just stared at the beautiful woman in the white dress in the mirror, awestruck.

Despite all the planning, and all the talking, and all the money we had spent, it was THAT moment that suddenly made the wedding feel very real. This was the dress I was going to get married in, that I would be wearing when I affirmed my desire to spend the rest of my life with my amazing partner. But, it also touched something deeper, more complex, more fundamental to my transition and my womanhood. I had avoided transition for so many years because I feared I would be ugly, that I would be undesirable, that I would be unloveable. Even once I moved passed those fears, something like this seemed like little more than a pipe dream. If you had told me that I’d be shopping for wedding dresses exactly two years to the day after starting medical transition, I’d have yelled at you for being cruel. And yet, there I was. It wasn’t going to entirely make up for 28 years lost to confusion and dysphoria and all the moments, big and small, lost with those years. But, I think in some ways, it was the first time that I really knew, really understood in the depths of my heart how far I had come, and that I had really, truly reclaimed my life as my own. It’s not that my wedding is a validation of my identity as a woman, because I get that from looking in the mirror every day. Rather, it’s an affirmation of how much more is possible in a life lived authentically, a potent reminder of the amazing possibilities that have opened to me. It’s beautiful realization of how much I’ve gained because of that decision — happiness, contentment, and love.

So, after my big personal moment, I knew that I had found the dress, but I had to convince the rational parts of my brain that I had exhausted all possibilities. So, I tried a few more dresses. I think I actually tried on just about every dress in the store that was anywhere near my size. Penny found her dress that day, too. Not white, as she had decided early on that a white dress wasn’t for her. Our dresses are quite different, much like we are. But, I had a moment with both of us in our dresses, standing next to each other, looking at the huge wall of mirror, where I could actually visualize the wedding, could finally construct an image of this thing we had been talking about for six months, and I couldn’t help smile all over and wrap my arm around her waist. We waded through the last bit of paperwork, paid for the dresses, and walked by the to car, hand-in-hand, just as we’ll walk down the aisle in a few short months. We decided that, while somewhat unconventional, shopping for our dresses together felt right for us, and that we would have missed out in an intangible something if it hadn’t been an experience we had shared with one another. It was a powerful reminder of the incredible partnership we share that this wedding is meant to celebrate. We glanced at our phones as we pulled away. Just about two hours had passed since we had walked in, putting us well under our 4-hour time-limit. We’re nothing if not efficient.

*Name changed for privacy.

Say Yes to the Lez: The Five Best Queer Lady Moments on Say Yes to the Dress, in Brittney Griner’s Honor

On August 14th, 2014, I cried myself to sleep after finding out that the wifey of my dreams (and almost as importantly, a WNBA player) Brittney Griner officially got engaged to her beautiful and swoon-worthy WNBA player girlfriend Glory Johnson. Gone were my plans of sweeping her off her feet and slithering into the rainbow horizon on that giant-ass snake she charmed in 2013. I mourned for five months until the greatest news appeared on my social media: Brittney Griner and Glory Johnson are to appear on TLC’s “Say Yes to the Dress.” I know this is a gesture from my bae Brittney so that I can live vicariously through her and Glory. Brittney did this for all of us bleeding heart dykes. (But mostly she did it for me.)

via AZ Central
We could’ve had it aaaaaaaaall. Riding on this snaaaaaake

For any and all who may not know, Say Yes to the Dress (SYTTD) is a show on TLC that follows people who are planning their wedding day and need to find their gown. This show is 20 minutes of stress and terror as this poor individual scrutinizes potential wedding attire and has her support systems evaluate and judge the quality of her choices. Although SYTTD is incredibly hetero-normative and hetero-patriarchal, it has been a really interesting platform for the visibility of queer women on television and narratives about marriage. Say Yes to the Dress is one of the few programs that captures the similarities and differences for all kinds of people preparing to tie the knot in this one snapshot of the traditional matrimonial process; its portrayal of queer women gives viewers the opportunity to see images of queer love in a “normalized” way, while giving us a glimpse into the uniqueness of same-sex relationships. So, whether you’re a giant fluff ball of wedding romance or are actually kinda disturbed/confused by the concept of marriage (like me, if I’m being honest), this shit can be pretty heartwarming.

In honor of Brittney Griner and Glory Johnson’s imminent SYTTD debut, let’s celebrate some lovely moments of lady gays past.

Erica and Devin

Erica and Devin were one of the first queer couples on SYTTD, making their debut in season five, episode four (“Going Bridal”). A great component of their episode was that not only did we get to see queer women preparing to say “I do,” but we got to see two feminine of center women in an interracial relationship loving one another. TLC understands what I need.

The two brides both found dresses, which is the happiest way this show can end. What I like a lot about their television moment is that they broke that rule the superstitious notion that you can’t see your spouse before your wedding day. The staff were surprised, but what kind of lady gay moment would it be if someone wasn’t pushed out of their comfort zone?

via The Fab Femme

via The Fab Femme

Queen Precious Jewel Earth and Jacqueline

Season ten, episode thirteen of SYTTD featured Queen Precious Jewel Earth. Queen is a young woman marrying her partner of five years, Jaqueline (or J). Queen explains in the episode how important it is for her to marry her partner in spite of the fact that their union won’t be recognized unilaterally across the nation. “We’ll be married on paper in New York, and married spiritually in front of our friends and family in North Carolina,” she explains. I loved watching Queen search for the dress that would best compliment her as her mother and best friend supported her. As a gay Black woman, the support of other Black women has deep meaning for me and I couldn’t help but get teary as I saw Queen’s mother watch in awe of her child.

While this episode got me feeling some type of way, it also pissed me the hell off. SYTTD is terrible at treating fat women with respect. Queen explains that she underwent gastric bypass surgery two weeks before her fitting, and that she is en route to losing 100 pounds. The stylists spent her entire segment either whining about how long her name is or worrying that they wouldn’t have a dress big enough for Queen. The sizeism in this show can be really unsettling and heartbreaking; if marriage and a dazzling white gown is what someone wants to invest their money in, they should be able to get that no matter how skinny or fat they are. Even if the stylists were concerned that their store only catered to bodies the conform to Eurocentric standards of beauty, their grievance should have been directed at the fact that wedding gown sizes enforce fat-shaming and the policing of women’s bodies, not the brides. With that diatribe said, I recommend skipping over all the parts where the store biddies say words. Their opinions aren’t that important anyway.

In the end, Queen finds a dress that she loves, which makes me very happy. (There are episodes where someone does not get a dress because their size was not available.) Her mother is gushing and wonderful; her friend is not very amused and neither am I. In fact, her friend and I shared the same facial expression when we realized that this dress had a train of feathers and looked like it belonged in a Black Swan parody.

My thoughts exactly, girl.

But what really matters is that Queen felt empowered, sexy, and beautiful.

Davone and Tiffany

Davone wants to have a “platinum diamond winter wonderland” themed wedding, on season six, episode fourteen of SYTTD. I really like that she rolled into that shop knowing exactly what she wanted. She continues to describe her stipulations for the dress, explaining that she’d like it to be form fitting from her waist to her thighs and “drama at the bottom.” Although she and her partner Tiffany would like to have a “traditional” wedding — unlike other lesbian couples, Davone observes — this bride wants her dress to be peach. (I can’t lie; I love it when people disrupt the whole pure white dress aesthetic.) Davone does have a “problem” in her efforts though; she has to find a dress that can contain her large breasts.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdiZISL-RDw

Again, the store stylists are pretty awful at the way they regard her breasts, soooo… let’s pretend that they were not in this episode. I love how Davone’s friends were honest in their observations but very fun and supportive. “We need so much bling (on your dress) that we’re giving out sunglasses at your wedding,” one of her friends deadpans. By the end of the episode, I wanted not only an invitation to Davone and Tiffany’s wedding, but also the chance to turn up with Davone’s friends. Davone unfortunately does not get a dress for the silliest reason: apparently, some wedding dress designers refuse to allow alterations to the busts of their dresses. If I were Davone, I would’ve bought the dress she loved and found someone to alter it under the table. (Reason #9202492 why I most likely won’t get married.) But Davone gets another chance to shine on TLC when she’s featured in the show Four Weddings in 2012.

Amber and Anjeshia

I really enjoyed watching Amber and Anjeshia, two brides from South Carolina. The two actually were featured on Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids, where the focus shifts to how individuals want to dress their altar entourage. Amber wants her friends to look sexy and to show as much skin as their hearts desire; Anjeshia, on the other hand, would prefer a more “classy” look for the bridesmaids, and definitely wants cleavage covered. While I think some of Anjeshia’s concerns extend to some internalized respectability politics, I see her perspective. It’s really important to Anjeshia that the wedding party can dance, because Amber and Anjeshia met while dancing. I would also want dancing to be a big concern in the outfit choosing process.

The two brides are both really opinionated, but Anjeshia takes the cake because she comes prepared with visuals. Anjeshia creates a chart called the Boob-O-Meter, and explains to the stylist that she would like the bridesmaid dresses to fall somewhere around a 7, with respect to cleavage visibility. Full disclosure: I couldn’t actually watch the entire episode through, so I have absolutely no idea who wins the Battle of the Breasts. But I do know that I will adopt a Boob-O-Meter for my personal life whenever I buy clothes. I think my aesthetic is 9 on the scale.

LaQuet and Lauren

These two are my favorite couple of the bunch. In “Not What I Had in Mind,” season 10, episode 12 of SYTTD, we meet LaQuet and Lauren, a Black lesbian couple who have been together for four years. Teary-eyed and describing her soon-to-be wife, LaQuet says Lauren makes her “feel like warm cookies straight out of the oven.” This episode makes me realize that I will change my mind and marry anyone who says this about me. (See, I told you this show does things to you.)

LaQuet spends most of this episode giggling and her joy is quite contagious. She’s a bubbly Broadway performer, and all she wants is a fun dress with some kind of sleeve so that the dress won’t draw too much attention to her toned arms. I’m not sure why she wouldn’t want to show off her muscles because I always thought muscles were the dyke badge of honor. The stylists agree with me and bring her dresses with and without sleeves. For the majority of her segment, LaQuet is disappointed by dresses she feels make her look matronly. In the end, she falls in love with a dress she thought she would hate and cries happy tears while we all bask in her beauty.

LaQuet and Lauren let us viewers see into their wedding at the end of the episode, which is an awesome choice. I love seeing queer women, especially queer women of color, happy and loving one another. More importantly, the theme of LaQuet and Lauren’s wedding is “drunk, tanned, and married” because “that’s just how much fun we’re gonna have.” I’m telling you, the lady gays on this show are so much fun.

via ElixHer

SYTTD is a great guilty pleasure show because it lets you celebrate with people experiencing what they may consider one of the happiest moments of their lives. Also you don’t actually have to question if you’re making the right decision about what you’re wearing while you watch the show. Personally, I love watching people make decisions that have no claim over my life.

While SYTTD is by no means a perfect show, nor does it necessarily communicate the various perspectives and aspects of marriage, I think it’s a fun show. I have no qualms engaging in a program that offers one of the healthier images of queer lady love.

Make sure you catch Brittney Griner, Glory Johnson (and my) Say Yes to the Dress episode this Friday, January 30th at 10 p.m. EST on TLC!

How To Keep A Girl For Ten Years: Taking the Plunge into Pet Parenthood

The bonding experience of owning a pet is a lot like having children — minus dishing out $240,000 before college. You or someone you know surely nurtures an unhealthy relationship with a pet and the only thing better than an unhealthy obsession is an unhealthy obsession in pairs. I say “unhealthy” facetiously as it’s pretty much common knowledge that owning a pet lowers blood pressure and decreases anxiety — if you’re in a relationship there is nothing you need more!

If you’re anything like my girlfriend, Natalie, and I, the connection you develop with your pet will help define your sense of humanity better than most human relationships you have or ever will experience.

Natalie taking cover with our two dogs in the hall at her work during a scary 2011 tornado outbreak.

Our road to pet parenthood was a bumpy one. Our first pet was a Betta Fish — Laurence Fishburne, who fell on his sword via my elbow accidentally knocking the tank one fateful evening. Unlike his namesake, there was no Matrix bullet-time descent, it was over before I realized it was happening.

“Did you just kill our fish?” Natalie instantly emerged from the next room with the severe accusation as though she suspected I had this plan for awhile. I feel absolutely dreadful about it, despite Natalie’s continued suspicion.

During this era, we also had two cats, Dr. Pickles and Ms. John Soda. These cats currently reside with Natalie’s mother — due to our eventual discovery that Natalie is severely allergic to cats. Many nights we marveled at the ever increasing welts all over her legs, arms and stomach and her eyelids slowly swelling shut with every passing moment. We figured it was her shellfish allergy, even though she wasn’t eating any shellfish. She survived on Xanax and Prednisone (which is a steroid) and yes she attempted to purposefully run over five children with her car during this period. Worth noting, upon arrival at her mother’s, Dr. Pickles swiftly abandoned his PhD in favor of the sole moniker “Paris”.

A couple years later, after the wounds had healed…enter Gogol, the Mexican Hairless (aka Xoloitzcuintli) extra-terrestrial dog. It was a bit of a haul from Raleigh to King, NC where we found Gogol. His birthplace was a quaint farmhouse with scads of children, animals and heavy indoor chain-smokers. We sat anxiously at their dining room table as Gogol’s breeder — who reminded us of a benevolent Aileen Wuornos — described her relationship with Pepe (Gogol’s birth-mom). “The thing about this dog is,” she took a drag off her cigarette and tossed a piece of American cheese into Pepe’s mouth (who was standing on the dining table), “when I die, they’ll have to bury her with me, she loves me that much.” Selfishly, we hoped this new puppy would adore us with the same Shakespearean morbidity as Pepe.

Eventually she handed Gogol over to me with one hand like a bag of frozen peas. I felt the same level of discomfort holding him as I do a newborn baby. “Am I doing this right? Am I supposed to support the neck? Does he have a soft spot on his head?” I didn’t want to hold him anymore until he was mine.”Wow, his skin is so weird,” I immediately regretted saying it and hoped Natalie would recover for the 3-pointer. Natalie is the Groucho to my Harpo Marx, I rely on her witticisms in most social situations.

“I hate when people call these dogs ugly, I think they’re so cool and I just love that they’re different”, Natalie added knowingly. (Swooooosh)

Gogol was, in fact, far from ugly to us — he had silky brown skin with white spots and a fluffy, perfectly centered white mohawk on his head. He rolled over on his back in seconds and fell asleep in my arms — not waking when I passed him to Natalie, his immediate comfort seemed in stark contrast to our trepidation. We exchanged glances, searching in each other’s eyes for an answer. Are we ready for this? Of course we were. We asked for directions to the nearest ABC store where we purchased a bottle of premium vodka on our way home with the newest edition to our family.

Gogol fashioned in unlikely dog accessories — one of our favorite pastimes.

The puppy years were a challenge. We found Gogol to be a connoisseur of the finer things — thankfully Natalie’s things, for the most part. Here is the tally of what Gogol destroyed during his adolescence:

Natalie: Dior sunglasses, iPhone, two pairs of boots, an antique 19th century altar which was a family heirloom
Robyn: A book of The Complete Pirelli Calendars, valued over $200, out of print — an excellent selection. Naturally, he couldn’t have obliterated something of less value in our collection like one of Chuck Klosterman’s fiction works, Lord of the Flies or anything by Tom Wolfe.

Interestingly enough, he didn’t damage anything OTHER than those items. It’s as if his gut was some sort of internalized pawn shop and he had no time to waste on proletariat selections.

A couple years later we adopted Gustav, the tenderhearted Chinese Crested dog. Gustav came from an abusive show-home in Las Vegas, and rightfully so, he’s a tad neurotic. Sometimes we catch him in complete Faye Dunaway regalia, furiously reciting her monologue from Mommie Dearest in the bedroom mirror:

“No… wire… hangers. What’s wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you: no wire hangers EVER? I work and work ’till I’m half-dead, and I hear people saying, “She’s getting old.” And what do I get? A daughter… who cares as much about the beautiful dresses I give her… as she cares about me. What’s wire hangers doing in this closet? Answer me!”

Kidding aside, Gustav has retired to a life of leisure free from any pain, worry, and the pressures of celebrity.

A picture of Gustav not attached to Faye Dunaway’s body

That’s our basic story. Ready to take the plunge into pet parenthood yet? Here are some things you and your significant other should consider:

1. Together you will discover there is nothing unhealthy about open mouth kissing your pet other than the bacterium campylobacter and salmonella.

Natalie and Gogol about to lock lips against a scenic backdrop.

2. Have you ever voraciously sobbed while comforting something that just vomited all over your brand new imported Fereghan carpet?

3. You’ll likely attempt to make your pet wear shoes and fail.
You may try several times, hoping that maybe your pet is the sneaker type and those boots were just too flashy for his or her taste. Heed this warning; 9 out of 10 pets won’t wear shoes ever.

4. Are you ready to spend a lot of money?
Routine vet visits, spaying/neutering, vaccinations, check-ups, flea, tick and heartworm treatments are not optional. You’ll need a nest egg for emergencies, too. Prepare for pet deposits if you rent or stay in hotels and plan on bringing your companion. Depending on your species of choice, they will need beds, collars, leashes, and factor in litter for a cat. You will need to budget for decent pet food, treats and toys, unless you’re an asshole. Pro-tip: TJ Maxx, Ross, Homegoods and Marshalls are your friends for decent quality affordable beds and toys.

5. You will begin to separate the people in your life into two categories: those who allow your pet into their house and those who don’t.
You will gradually begin to eliminate the latter group from your life completely. If you’re in really deep, you will start picking off people who don’t respond to pictures of your pet with the appropriate level of enthusiasm.

6. Going the dog route?
Prepare to get off your rear several times a day because owning a dog is a lot like living with Jillian Michaels. It’s important to exercise and socialize your dog so that he or she doesn’t become overly timid or aggressive. Luckily, our dogs sleep in. Your pet may not. Be prepared to potentially wake up earlier than you’re used to, if you’re not an early riser.

7. Unless you have a hairless pet, a non-shedding breed, a reptile, a caged animal or fish — accept that you may never enjoy the color black with ease ever again.

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8. Accept the fact that you will likely love your pet as much as a parent loves their child, to the very last beat of their heart — literally.

The relative lifespan of a human compared to dog is 7.9 to 11.8 years, indoor cats averaging around 12-14 years. Natalie and I have already built an underground bunker stockpiled with non-perishables and an ample supply of booze and narcotics so we may descend into madness comfortably. This is a consideration we did not make before purchasing a pet and something that neither of us are truly prepared for. The lifespan of domesticated animals compared to humans is possibly nature’s cruelest invention.

Consider the responsibilities above before diving into pet ownership together. If you’re ready for the commitment of time and money, the physical, spiritual and emotional benefits can be innumerable. Plus, there’s nothing like the thought of a gruesome custody battle to keep you together.

Pet owner already? Share your experience!

The Autostraddle Guide to Adopting Your Furry Best Friend: Dog Edition

What do queers love more than brunch and body modification? Pets, obviously. If you’re in that post-U-Haul stage, or feeling a furry best friend-sized gap in your life, you might be ready to adopt your very own dog.

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Adopting a dog from a shelter offers a lot of perks, including, but not limited to:

+ Sticky kisses as wake-up alarms!
+ Fuzzy cuddles when you’re feeling sad!
+ Unconditional love when the stupid bigoted world is just too much!
+ Dog outfits for themed photoshoots, like Batman Dog or Drag Queen Dog or Chef Dog!
+ One million karma points for giving a needy dog the perfect home!
+ Plus, dogs are chick magnets and once you reveal that your dog is a rescue, you will need chick repellent. I’m serious.

Why adopt instead of buy from a breeder or a pet store?

There are between 6-8 million animals in shelters every year. The sad truth is that 3-4 million of these animals are euthanized. More programs are moving towards non-kill practices, but no-kill shelters are not the majority in the United States. Why is euthanasia such a common practice, and why are there so many animals in shelters? Practices like puppy mills, not getting pets spayed/neutered, and the unnecessary demand for purebred dogs contribute to the problem, as well as potential owners not being fully educated on the needs of their animal. Millions of the animals in shelters have been turned over by irresponsible owners, if not found abandoned or abused. This means that there are many more pets already in need of homes than there are in pet stores. It’s also significantly less expensive to adopt a best friend from the shelter than it is to purchase a purebred from a breeder or store.

So, are you ready for your best friend? Here are some questions you need to ask yourself before getting ready for adoption:

+ If you rent, does your landlord allow dogs? Are there any special circumstances in your building regarding pet ownership?

+  Does your lifestyle fit a new dog? If you’re always on the move, work away from home for long hours, or are planning on moving cross country after adopting, you might not be in the right place for adoption right now. Shelter dogs have already undergone difficult changes and need their new homes to be as stable as possible.

+ Is your living space big enough to comfortably accommodate a dog? Even the smallest dogs need space to play and do their business.

+ Do you have the financial means to cover food, collars, leashes, toys, medical expenses, and anything else a new dog might need? If your new best friend is special needs, he will require more medical help and therefore more financial resources. If you don’t think you’ll be able to afford medical care, there are ways to get help!

+ If you have roommates or live with your partner, have you checked in with them about their responsibilities to the new dog?

+ Are you willing to do the research to make sure you’ve found the right dog for you and your living situation? Make sure you consider factors like small children, time and space for exercise, and how often the dog will have to be alone. Different breeds have different needs, and you owe it to your best friend to make sure they’re met!

+ Are you ready to take on the huge responsibility and lifelong commitment that is owning a dog? Dogs are more than chick magnets and Instagram subjects. They are loyal animals who need your attention and care, and sometimes your discipline.

+ Are you ready to give your new best friend your very best love all of the time?

If you answered “yes” to all of these questions, or are willing to make adjustments to the ones you answered “no,” then congratulations! You’re ready to start looking for a dog.

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Sites like Petfinder allow you to search through multiple shelters at once to find the perfect match. Entries will give you pictures, videos, and important information like vaccinations, behavior, and whether or not the dog can handle other pets or children. Shelters make sure they know their tenants inside and out, and they want their dogs to go to the right forever home. Most shelters will have you fill out an application before you can adopt, with relevant questions about your lifestyle, your living arrangements, and prior experience as a pet owner. They’re not trying to psych you out, I promise. They just want to make sure you and your new best friend are the best match possible.

Okay, have you found your best friend? Sweet! Before you can bring him or her or hir (dogs can be queer, whatever) home, make sure you’ve got a few things on hand first:

+ collar, leash, and ID tag – it’s okay if you haven’t picked out a fabulous name yet, you just need your telephone number.
+ dog bed, kennel, or similar safe/sleeping area – ask the shelter what your best friend prefers for sleeping arrangements!
+ dog food appropriate for size and age
+ water and food bowls
+ toys – FYI, you don’t need to buy expensive toys from the pet store, especially since those don’t tend to last very long. Tennis balls, knotted socks, and old jeans tied into ropes all work super well to keep dogs from chewing on things they shouldn’t.

And most importantly, don’t forget to dog-proof your home before your new best friend gets there. Even the mellowest dogs can be stressed by the move, which might mean higher energy behavior like chewing or scratching. How do you dog-proof a house? Imagine you have a baby, but the baby has sharp teeth and claws and likes to chew through electrical cords and knock over fragile things. Pretend that image is not totally terrifying, and proof the house accordingly.

Once your best friend comes home, expect the move to be a bit stressful for them. They might have been housebroken at the shelter, but switching environments might mean they forget to go outside for a while. It’s kind of like how people sometimes pee themselves or throw up during standardized testing. It’s okay if your best friend seems a little shy or uneasy. Transitions are super hard for everyone and adjustment takes time. Before you know it, you’ll be cuddling and dog kissing and waking up in each other’s arms just like it’s the day after a lesbian one night stand. Brunch, anyone?

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When you’re both settled in, there’s one more set of steps to follow. Last one. No more bullet points after this, I promise.

+ Spay or neuter your dog! I cannot stress this enough. Spayed/neutered animals live longer and healthier lives, and they’re not contributing to the problems that got them in shelters in the first place. The difference between a fixed and non-fixed dog is incredible in terms of energy and behavior, and it’s so much safer for the dog. But I want puppies, you say. You are not a breeder. Don’t try to be one.
+ Train your dog! Take the time to teach your dog a set of commands. Get your roommates or partner involved so everyone is using the same commands and directions. Tricks are fun and cute, but it’s also important that your best friend comes when they’re called, and can sit and stay for safety.

“Autostraddle Freaking Loves Shelter Dogs” Testimonies

Kate: This is Cooper. Coop is a lab/pitbull mix and the love of my life. Coop was abandoned by his owner in the White Mountains of New Hampshire when he was a few months old. Neighbors called animal control to report the dog being left behind, but Cooper was off and running. The local shelter kept an eye out for him, and got reports of him in and out of the woods. He was a charming scalawag, though, so families liked to leave scraps in their backyard, and restaurants reported him showing up to steal some leftovers before running out. He lived on his own in the wilderness and miraculously survived the winter all by his lonesome. When he was finally brought to the shelter, they removed over 200 ticks from his body. He was bone thin from tapeworms, but still incredibly strong. He has the pittie build — low to the ground and super muscular. People stop me when I walk him to remark on how jacked he is. Cooper was my Christmas present after a really shitty year, and I named him after James Fenimore Cooper because I was writing my thesis and whatever, I am lame. Cooper sleeps on my pillow next to me every night. He cuddles me, gives me wake-up kisses every morning, and literally never stops wagging his tail. I’ve been through a lot of rough shit and Cooper has been there with me, putting his head on my lap when I cry, letting me spoon him when I’m too upset to sleep. I cannot imagine my life without Coop. I rescued him, but Coop saved me.

Carmen: Eli and I have been together since August 19, 2011. Not even one year when I write this, but we’re already at this point where I can’t imagine what it was like not to have Eli. Eli is a Chihuahua-Terrier mix and he’s been described as “perfect,” “soft,” “sweet,” and “really soft.” He’s a small 15 pounds with a lot of spirit and a huge heart. He was abandoned by a family in early July of the year we met and I took him home because the night before I watched a documentary about C-List celebrities and their dogs called My Dog: An Unconditional Love Story. When they put him in the play room at the shelter there were three other people with me and Eli ran directly over to me and jumped into my arms and kissed my face. I love Eli more than anything else in the world.

Someone once described adopting a pet as “taking something someone else didn’t want,” and I got upset, really upset. I saved a life last year and ever since it has brought me deep joy. My life is different. Eli and I both have each other and we both have someone and that is so sweet and amazing and such a miracle. It didn’t matter that he was a mix, that he was potentially not trained, that he jumps on furniture and pulls on the leash. I love him. And so I gave him somewhere to sleep.

Gabrielle: Hey guys, this is Kimberly. She only had the party hat on for this picture, because it was my birthday, I promise. I’ve had her for about a year, and she’s nine years young. My girlfriend and I adopted her from a local rescue where she was anonymously dropped off by someone running an illegal backyard breeding operation. Kimberly had been in a cage for her entire life, and since she’s kind of a fancy dog, a toy poodle bichon, she probably was forced to have like, a million puppies. Sometimes I think about how they were taken away from her and sold to rich people and I cry. Anyway, when we first got her, she was in really bad shape. She had such a bad mouth infection that we had to have most of her teeth removed (now she only eats wet food). She could barely walk, and she wouldn’t eat or drink water. She wouldn’t even defecate until several days after living with us. We essentially had to teach her how to be a dog. It was really challenging but also really rewarding. She didn’t even know what grass was! And now one of her favorite things is rolling in it. Since she didn’t understand how to play with toys, we put them in a bag of treats over night to entice her with the smell, which worked like magic. Since she was never house trained, she pees up to 10 times a day, so we’ve had a lot of luck with wee wee pads rather than trying to take her out every hour. Also, she’s a bundle of anxiety, and is afraid of things like black garbage bags, noise in general, the dark, stairs, solitude, the outside, strangers, rain, etc. But recently she’s been getting much braver and will approach the things that scare her while making a noise that sounds kind of like a telephone ringing while wagging her tail. She’s also the cuddliest creature of all time, which is how she earned the name Colonel Cuddleton. In the past year, she’s gained 2.5 pounds (which is a lot considering she was only 5 pounds a year ago). She still can’t walk up stairs or jump on and off furniture (she doesn’t know how to land, she literally just catches herself with her face on the ground) but she’s grown into the sassiest, sweetest, most lovable little bear in the world.

VIDEO: Effy And Rose Fall In Love In The BBC’s “True Love”

The BBC’s “True Love” is an improvised drama series featuring five overlapping love stories set in the same town.

Monday’s episode starred Billie Piper (Secret Diary of a Call Girl, Doctor Who) as a teacher going through a rough time emotionally and Kaya Scodelario (Effy from Skins) as her admiring student. If you live in the UK, I imagine you’ve already seen this or could’ve watched it on the BBC website.

If you live in the US, like me, then you’ll be overjoyed to know that my 48 hours of compulsive youtube searching has finally paid off. I have found the program for us all to watch together as a family. Ta-da!

Part One:

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Part Two:

What do you think?