My Christmas Ornaments, Ranked by Lesbianism

It was recently brought to my attention that our Christmas tree is “very gay” and apparently not JUST because of the DIY Cate Blanchett ornament on it. One of my favorite things about starting to do Christmas was my now-fiancée was merging our ornament collections — a strange mix of childhood trinkets, inherited retro family pieces including some crafted by my mother, and gifts we’ve both received through the years. Now, we’ve started collecting some together, too. We’re in the market for tomato ornaments in honor of our new cat Timmy Tomato, so let me know if you see any cute ones.

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16. Owl

Owls are the most lesbian bird of prey imo.

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15. Hot Dog

Admittedly the most lesbian thing about this one is that I am a lesbian and I love hot dogs, but we’re rolling with it. I really, really love hot dogs!

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14. Hedgehog in Hat

That’s a queer elder.

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13. Dorinda Shouting I MADE IT NICE

This one’s for the Bravo Dykes. Dorinda’s iconic “I MADE IT NICE” moment is very relatable to me, a lesbian aspiring dream hostess of elaborate dinner parties.

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12. Two Luanns

Luann de Lesseps may be “straight,” but I think TWO LuAnns makes it gay. (I was gifted the same ornament by two different people.)

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11. Santa Topper

The Santa on top of our tree is a distinguished butch top.

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10. Garlic

The most important ingredient in my lesbian kitchen.

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9. Cate Blanchett

Listen, she gets docked some points for not being gay but rather a straight who loves to play gay, but the ornament earns some points back due to its origin story: I made it for my ex after we saw Carol but then reclaimed it in the breakup as my own.

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8. Groundhog in Scarf

This is a dyke who lives in the Midwest. She knows how to split wood and play cribbage.

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7. Glitter Tow Truck

This belongs to the glitter-loving butch you know who loves to help out their friends in style. They also have a custom neon-colored tool box.

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6. Princess Leia

The gayest part of this ornament is that I bought it for myself when I was a teen and was obsessed with it, displaying it year-round in my room. In many ways, closeted me was the gayest version of me.

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5. Assorted Photo Ornaments of Me and My Fiancée and Our Dog

Sorry to be CORNY and IN LOVE but I order a photo ornament every year for my fiancée featuring the pic that also goes on our holiday card this year. I have one for each year we’ve been together except the first because we couldn’t spend Christmas together that year as we were still long distance. It’s always a whole ordeal to snap the pic because we have to get the elderly dog to cooperate, and the lighting in our home never quite seems right, but they turn out cute in the end! We’re not doing a holiday card this year, but I’ll still be ordering one using one of our engagement photos because I want to keep our tradition going.

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4. Pregnant Kangaroo Couple

I do think these MOM TO BE and DAD TO BE kangaroos were intended to be hetero, but they both appear…to have pouches? So I think this might actually be a butch/femme couple carrying each other’s eggs OR two gender-nonconforming parents to be who are wearing the shirts ironically.

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3. Tin of Anchovies

I strongly identify as a Tinned Fish Lesbian, and my best friend Becca has been gifting me seafood ornaments lately because she thinks I should have a seafood-themed tree one year. For additional context, my mother is the queen of a specific-themed Christmas tree. One year, she did a “technology tree,” which was decorated with old chargers and other technology devices. I come from a legacy of themed trees.

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2. Oyster

She’s homoerotic; she’s an aphrodisiac; she’s perhaps the most gorgeous ornament I currently own and therefore deserves such a high ranking.

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1. The Hotel Room Key from My First Date With My Fiancée

Yes, our first “date” was in the Manhattan Ace Hotel. It was also our first time meeting in person. I kept the room key because I had a feeling it wouldn’t be the last time we saw her, and I was already sensing a deeper connection. I’m glad I had the instinct to do so, because now I get to have an ornament to permanently celebrate our steamy first weekend together.

Britney Spears Music Videos, Ranked By Homoeroticism

If you’re anything like me, you purchased The Woman In Me the moment it was released, read the entire thing in one day, and then spent a lot of time thinking about your life and Britney Spears’ life and all the ways her life has been a part of your life and how long it took for her to finally be free (wild that I wrote this piece about Britney Spears’ conservatorship in 2011!) and that glorious moment at the MTV VMAs when Britney kissed Madonna and basically all the glorious moments of her career and how you hung her photo over your desk in college which you realize in retrospect was very gay. And then you wanted to get all of your friends together and tackle an important topic relevant to our community: the relative homoeroticism of Britney Spears’ music videos.

So, please join me, Editor-in-Chief Carmen, Managing Editor Kayla,  A+ Director Nico and For Them Social Media / Comms Lead Motti as we dig into the relative homoeroticism of the Britney Spears Music Video cannon. (thank you to the onyx zone for its thorough collection of music video screenshots!)

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Britney Spears Music Videos, Ranked By Homoeroticism

18. Overprotected (2002)

Riese: honestly this video could not possibly be saying less about anything
Motti: okay im sorry to say i have never heard this song in my life
Carmen: (i’m glad someone said it)

17. I’m a Slave 4 U (2001)

Nico: Not very homoerotic to me, but WHAT is that lace harness situation she’s wearing?
Riese: i think i prefer the britney s pierce music video version sorry
Kayla: I did also rewrite the words to this song for a 9th grade biology project about the different parts of the cell, called I’m A Cell 4 U
Riese: k a y l a
Nico: It’s telling me so much about you that this was your go-to.
Motti: she looks like Troye Sivan’s drag persona here

16. Lucky (2000)

Riese: i hope this is on the “seven husbands of evelyn hugo” soundtrack
Nico: crying silently in bed while your doppelgänger / past / current self sings to you is homoerotic
Carmen: A fun fact about “Lucky” is that the first dyke I ever knew who was roughly my age, as opposed to some far away adult (she was senior my freshman year of high school) used to sing this song to her girlfriend in the parking lot outside of theatre rehearsals. And then we would day dream together about running away to Chicago to be “artists” even though she was three years older than me and I was decidedly not her girlfriend? And also still in the closet? And also didn’t even know I was in the closet, because I thought I was straight?
And friends, that is gay.
Nico: I would sing this to Mya my dog sometimes :sob: “She’s so lucky, she’s a star!”

15. Stronger (2000)

Riese: everyone did the least for this
Carmen: I simply must rank this higher than I should because it’s every drag queen starter pack
Motti: woman + wet = gay
Carmen: hmmmhmm. yes. true.
perhaps even, the most true.

14. Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman (2002)

Riese: singing in nature is sort of gay and the passageways between two of the canyons begs a comparison to genitalia
Motti: “not a girl, not yet a woman” = me as fuck
okay so maybe not very homoerotic but what’s gayer than a ripped woman on top of a mountain
more points for being an AFAB nonbinary anthem

13. My Prerogative (2004)

Nico: There’s just something gay about crashing a car into a pool at a pool party. It feels like something Shane or Alice or Jenny would do on The L Word. AND THEN, what was that look Britney shares with that woman leaning in a door frame?
Riese: does sort of feel like a victorias secret angels ad but sped up

12. Womanizer (2008)

Riese: bisexual bob
Nico: Britney’s various characters in this feel like a bisexual girl gang has assembled to take care of the one friend in a toxic relationship with a cishet dude. Not so much homo-eroticism as it is homo-friendship.
Motti: the opening scene gives me flashbacks to Lucy Liu in Charlie’s Angels barracuda scene

11. Oops, I Did it Again (2000)

Nico: there is something so, core-ly, intrinsically gay about singing to a guy friend who thinks you have feelings for him that you in fact, do not have those kinds of feelings for him
Kayla: every time this song comes up, I’m legally obligated to share that for a fourth grade science project I rewrote the words to this song to be about the different types of rocks and performed it for my whole class
Nico: AAAAAAHHHHHH
Riese: KAYLA
Kayla: I had a habit of rewriting Britney songs but this was my finest work

10. Circus (2008)

Nico: Giving us a lot of femme top energy here.
Riese: menswear and a whip, dom vibes
Motti: there was more homoeroticism in Hugh Jackman’s scenes in the Greatest Showman but I’ll give this a 6

9. Baby One More Time (1998)

Riese: the schoolgirl scenes are as heteroerotic as they come, but the basketball scenes are gay
Nico: I want those shoes.
Kayla: Can’t explain it but I do think my bottom origin story starts here
Nico: wow i really do want to know more tho
Carmen: Some of y’all weren’t at the start of your Catholic school experience when this video first dropped, and it shows.
For bonus points, imagine tween Carmen jumping and down on her bed in her cotton candy pink bedroom, all hopped up on hormones and no where yet to put them.
Kayla: Okay points have been made
Motti: as someone who went to catholic school, they all would have gotten written up. wish there were more scenes with teacher-in-a-blazer

8. Work Bitch (2013)

Nico: The combo of dreaming of labor and the anti-body positivity here is not giving me homoeroticism, it’s giving me the cringiest cishet vibes. Sorry byeee.
Riese: but she’s whipping another girl ! in the desert!
she did say she did say this song was written “in respect to the gays,” but i think that she definitely meant gay men here
Nico: she sure did
okay yeah and then this also happens:

Nico: i’ll give it queer with a lower-case “q”
Motti: it was the leashes for me

7. Toxic (2004)

Riese: the leather catsuit with the red hair is giving pansexual, all the men in this video are props
Nico: this video was not created for the heterosexual male gaze that’s for sure
Kayla: The men legit look like AI
Carmen: When she wipes her lips while wearing a diamond encrusted body suit. WHEN SHE WIPES HER LIPS.
Motti: timestamp 1:48

6. Hold it Against Me (2011)

Riese: this is mostly homoerotic for men because all the men in this video are her gay best friends
but also there is a britney vs britney-esque person fight club which is incredibly homoerotic in a different (lesbian) way
Nico: Britney being homoerotic with herself again! I think seeing Bottoms has made that scene even more homoerotic for me.
also you’re right that these are all her gay friends
if there wasn’t music, the set would just sound like a flurry of grindr pings
Kayla: I’ve always been into erotic doppelganger vibes and now I’m wondering if Britney videos are the root of this
Nico: There are SO MANY where she is just very into herself, Kayla.
I am similarly wondering if this is a root.
Motti: obsessed with the blue-man-group-ness of this one
Kayla: I’ve always said the blue man group is homoerotic
Nico: Always?
Motti: for my 15th birthday i took friends into the city to see BMG…

5. Til the World Ends (2011)

Nico: Every single backup dancer in this reads as queer with their haircuts and their post-apocalyptic costumes. Mad Max aesthetics are hyper homo-erotic. Britney sensuously dancing and writhing with all of these queers in this cyberpunk dystopia is…extremely homoerotic of her.
Riese: yes literally was about to say the same, “britney spears is the only straight person in this video”
underground queer dance party
Nico: There are poppers at this party. There are dental dams at this party. There are pamphlets on abortion rights at this party. There are glory holes at this party. Yes.

4. Gimme More (2007)

Riese: pole dancing with other dancers
Nico: the way she plays both herself as a patron of the club…and a dancer at the club? britney is very often being homo-erotic with herself but you know what it’s allowed. be free.
Carmen: There’s no way you get past the “It’s Britney.. bitch” needle drop and don’t rank it at least a 9 out of 10, on principle.

3. If U Seek Amy (2009)

Nico: Did Britney just pick up a pair of panties like she was trying to track down their owner? Homoerotic AF. This entire song is just her singing about how multiple genders want to fuck her and more than implying that Britney is into that in a group sex kind of way, including when it comes to a circle of what are apparently queerleaders gyrating around and onto her?
Riese: ALL OF THE GIRLS AND ALL OF THE BOYS ARE BEGGING TO F U C K ME
Nico: See and that’s a nice way to feel.
Good for her.
Carmen: I just went back and re-ranked every other video based on this scale. This is the standard bearer.
Motti: shouldn’t have watched during work hours

2. Me Against the Music (2003)

Riese: menswear
yearning through a wall
admittedly the glee version is playing a role in my perspective on this film
Nico: yes to menswear
and a leather/pleather tie??
also Madonna being present
Riese: mommi stuff going on here
Nico: in a white suit. with a cane. she’s ridiculously mommi in this
lol
Riese: LOL
Nico: This video has been declared Official Mommi Media
what is this bed frame situation
that took it to a 10
when you put Britney in proximity to a bisexual woman she does match that energy
Kayla: two words: pleather fedora
Motti: i echo Riese’s mommi comment
this is the kind of hair whipping that her conservators were profiting off of. she was right to gatekeep it in vegas residency
Riese: the “gatekeeping her hair” story is one of many underrated bombshells revealed in this year’s most beloved memoir “the woman in me” by britney spears

1. Slumber Party (2016)

Riese: britney spears and tinashe have lesbian sex in this video basically
Kayla: Yes that is lesbian sex
Nico: I always do that shoe toss thing during lesbian sex.
Did she just lick from a plate while on all fours while wearing a spiked dog collar?
Motti: oh..my god.
also lmao the shoe toss “lets get rid of these heels girl and put you in some birkenstocks”

Spirit Halloween Animatronics, Ranked By Lesbianism

The best month of the year begins this weekend, but as a devotee of horror season, my partner and I have already got a head start on our annual October marathon of scary movies. We’re saving some of the classics, but over the past week or so we’ve revisited nostalgic films like The Craft and more thriller-leaning fare like What Lies Beneath. I also received screeners for the upcoming new Netflix series The Fall of the House of Usher, and I cannot wait to write more about it once it’s out.

We’re not the only ones ahead of the spooky season game though. Nearly a month ago, the fledgling Tuesday Morning next to our go-to Publix became haunted by everyone favorite seasonal chain store that loves to possess abandoned buildings this time of year: Spirit Halloween. I like to get my Spirit Halloween trips in early, as they seemingly run out of anything actually interesting/good in the first week of October. I also love to make an annual journey to the store just to check out the latest animatronics — Halloween decor with a price tag I could never justify and yet love to marvel at. I simple love those little fuckers that jump out at you when you walk by or say generically scary things about how they’re going to haunt me from their graves.

Also, yes, these are all available for purchase online!

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16. Martian Warrior

Points for the honestly quite fire fit, but as far as gay aliens go, I’ve seen gayer.

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15. Scary Sitting Scarecrow

It’s giving Butch Who Wears the Same Costume Every Year.

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14. Bog Zombie

Bog Witches are more queer coded than Bog Zombies, but I’ll allow.

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13. Jumping Spider

Giant arachnids do have a certain je ne sais queer about them. Also, for the record, this one legitimately scared me when it jumped out.

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12. Poor George

I can imagine a lesbian named George wearing this exact striped shirt.

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11. Dagger Mike

Dagger Mike absolutely sounds like a dyke’s nickname.

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10. Stilts

Bowling pins are her go-to juggling device, and imo bowling is gay.

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9. Grave Watcher

From the official description of this animatronic: “The Grave Watcher is eternal. Keeping a tormented vigil over the dead is their punishment for past sins against the underworld that even the devil himself can’t speak of.” Okay, slay.

I can’t believe this undead creature has a JOB? Does she have to do TAXES? Do the undead have a UNION?

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8. Darling Dolly

There’s a fingering joke in here somewhere.

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7. Slim Animatronic – Killer Klowns from Outer Space

Here is where my personal biases are showing a bit, but this BIG ASS CLOWN gets points specifically because my partner Kristen just sold a novel called CLOWN. I asked her if she could therefore pose with this animatronic, who is part of the “Killer Klowns from Outer Space” collection, based on the 1988 film, which I have not seen. The shoes look like clown-ified Doc Martens. What’s in the bag? According to the official description: popcorn. But I choose to believe it’s their sex toy bag.

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6. Howling Spirit

“I yearned for her howling spirit” sounds like how an erotic werewolf fiction author might describe a Sapphic lupine sex scene.

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5. Sinister Spirit

“She had a sinister spirit” sounds like how an author would euphemistically describe a lesbian in the 17th century.

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4. Regan from The Exorcist

It is not difficult to do a queer reading of The Exorcist, as evidenced by the very first essay in the queer horror anthology It Came From the Closet. If you haven’t read the full book yet, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

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3. The Black Heart

Okay, I am VERY DISAPPOINTED that this animatronic wasn’t functioning when I went to my Spirit, because apparently it opens its cloak to reveal a WOMAN TRAPPED INSIDE named Ava who, according to the official lore, died a “spinster” at…age 25. The Black Heart is her UNDEAD PARTNER. And one of the few phrases The Black Heart utters when the motion detector is triggered is: “Soon, you will forget everything… your life, your past, you will stay with me for the rest of eternity!” TOXIC EX MUCH??????

Honestly, it’s worth reading the full product description for this one:

Ava should’ve been married. In her old-fashioned village, she was already considered a spinster by the age of 25. Her friends had all found love, and she ached to be next. As the sun set on another lonely evening, Ava succumbed to her last resort. According to local lure [sic], if she climbed into a freshly dug grave in the town cemetery at exactly midnight, her true love would show up at sunrise and revive her with a kiss. When Ava awoke the following morning with her lips pressed against a cold dead kiss of her undead master, she learned the true meaning of being careful about what you wish for.

Love is what brought Ava to her downfall and now her partner The Black Heart is ready to seduce any unsuspecting guests to be his next victim…

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2. Rat Girl

My Spirit Halloween didn’t have a Rat Girl on display, which is a shame, because she’s clearly a lesbian legend.

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1. Empty Soul Girl on a Swing

Lesbian Icon!!!!! While not technically an animatronic but rather a large stationary prop, she is undoubtedly number one. Look at her!!! She looks like she has accidentally stumbled upon her worst ex proposing to a new woman via a flash mob. HAUNTING.

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Honorable Mentions

Here are some honorable mentions for smaller props/accessories I came across that still felt dykey.

Michael Myers Mini Backpack

I can’t find the link for this online so it might only be available in-stores, but I feel like it should be every Horror Dyke’s go-to bag this season.

Michael Myers Art

It’s a literal slay. I’m realizing in the process of making this list that Michael Myers feels lesbian coded to me. Is it the jumpsuit uniform? The refusal to Give Up? The butch hairstyle that never changes? Should I rank iconic horror villains by lesbianism?

Scissor??? Necklace???

This looks like it could literally be Autostraddle merch?????

Every Character From Grease and Grease 2, Ranked by Lesbianism

One could argue that there is no specific correlation between homosexuality and an affinity to the films Grease and Grease 2, but the employees and writers of this website would not be amongst those ones. We believe deeply in the Grease-to-Gay pipeline, as explored in articles such as Why Did We Love “Grease” So Much As Gay Children?. Therefore, in honor of Grease: Rise of the Pink Ladies, the new Grease reboot that premiered on Paramount+ this week, the TV team (with special guest Vanessa Friedman, noted Grease 2 Superfan) gathered as a family to rank the legends of both cinemas. By lesbianism, of course!

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33. Louis DiMucci, Grease 2

Riese: Coercing a girl to participate in sexual activities by lying to her with the primary argument that sex is necessary in the name of patriotism and a reverence for the US military is as heterosexual as it gets
Valerie: definitely straight (derogatory)
Natalie: worse: straight and republican.

32. Vince Fontaine, Grease

Carmen: I quite literally want to give him negative points.
Where is the negative points option.
Natalie: Agreed, Carmen. I was thinking, “is there a zero option?”

31. Patty Simcox, Grease

Kayla: she’s a narc
Riese: definitely is going to micromanage the bridesmaids at her (heterosexual) wedding into absolute misery

30. Coach Calhoun, Grease & Grease 2

Riese: He’s straight but there’s nothing wrong with that!
Dad, not Daddy

29. Leo Balmudo, Grease

Carmen: no.

28. Doody, Grease

Riese: the upskirt creeping is a hard no
Vanessa: i literally don’t remember this man which tells me he’s very straight

27. Putzie, Grease

Riese: clumsy, young, means well
but also was homophobic to sonny
maybe internalized homophobia
Vanessa: why do i not remember any men in these movies i love
Carmen: Vanessa, because you are gay.

26. Goose, Grease 2

Carmen: Inconsequential, but ultimately inoffensive
Natalie: Not a lesbian but he met with Michael under the bleachers so I’m not totally discounting him as a member of the alphabet mafia.
Vanessa: gay 4 davey

25. Marty Maraschino, like the cherry, Grease

Carmen: Marty Maraschino had a crush on Rizzo for all of Sophomore year.

24. Paulette Rebchuck, Grease 2

Valerie: She doesn’t give me queer vibes but she does give me the vibe of the ally who will bring up that she has a gay friend as often as possible.
Riese: Yea big ally vibes here
Natalie: She’s your straight friend who is somehow blessed with better gaydar than you.

23. Cha Cha, Grease

Kayla: honestly she’s mostly getting points bc I was kinda obsessed with her mean energy as a baby gay
Valerie: She’ll go on to hook up with fellow members of the dance team in college but ultimately wave it off as a phase and not really mention it again until one of her kids comes out and she’s like “You know, I dipped my toes in the lady pond once”
Carmen: The grand foremother of one Santana Lopez

22. Tom, Grease

Valerie: So soft!
Carmen: The sweetest boi.
Just vibes and eyebrows. No thoughts.

21. Eugene, Grease & Grease 2

Riese: bi wife guy
Valerie: He’d campaign for his favorite ship in AS March Madness

20. Davey Jaworksi, Grease 2

Riese: there is something queer about riding in the sidecar of goose’s motorcycle
Natalie: The glasses alone are swaying me…
Vanessa: in my mind davey and goose are absolutely in love i won’t be hearing otherwise

19. Johnny Neorgelli, Grease 2

Shelli: Came out in the 70s when disco did something to him
Vanessa: SHELLI

18. Sonny, Grease

Riese: lesbian points earned for having a bark that exceeds his bite & lusting after marty, deducted for doing sandy dirty at the dance
Kayla: having 1 piece of jewelry you wear every day is gay

17. Sharon Cooper, Grease 2

Riese: skilled thrifter, really committed to rehearsing for the talent show
Valerie: Something about her collar(s) is gay to me
Shelli: Straight and annoying and probably not an ally – cute hats tho.
Vanessa: agree with shelli, her boyfriend is a straight republican who i feel like she’d defend no matter what

16. Mr Stuart, Grease 2

Carmen: Ok but hear me out! HEAR ME OUT!
This is a middle aged soft butch whose household chores include but are not limited to: making the French press coffee in the morning, tending to your little patio garden of potted plants, knowing the best craft beers no matter what bar you are at on date night, cleaning the counters and taking out the trash before you go to bed.
Riese: def a plant lesbian

15. Sandy Olsson, Grease

Kayla: she represents both sides of the good girl/bad girl dichotomy in a way that simply screams closeted high femme dyke to moi
Valerie: Look At Me I’m Sandra Dee (Reprise) is a coming out song, I won’t be hearing arguments at this time. I didn’t realize that I shipped Rizzo and Sandy until doing this ranking but I’m all in now.
Shelli: So straight that it’s wild
Drew: Literally she may be straight, but spiritually she ends up extremely gay.
Vanessa: i’m torn between her being clearly straight and a literal separate character from hot bad girl sandy at the end vs her being the closeted version of hot bad girl (high femme gay as fuck) sandy at the end
much to think about
Carmen: The Triptych of Sandra Dee.

14. Principal McGee, Grease & Grease 2

Valerie: Too easily scandalized
Shelli: Lesbian, everyone knows, has dykin’ potlucks on Saturday nights with her own pink ladies.
Natalie: In a secret relationship with the shop teacher. Those pearls and earrings Ms. Murdoch wears actually belong to Principal McGee.
Vanessa: when she says “these are MY boys” about the t-birds during the rehearsal process i knew in my heart she was a dyke

13. Blanche, Grease & Grease 2

Kayla: Gay Auntie Energy
Carmen: BIG Gay Auntie Energy

12. Miss Mason, Grease 2

Shelli: Pam Anderson of the 50s and has a high femme long distance girlfriend

11. Rhonda Ritter, Grease 2

Riese: bisexual energy, great bangs
Shelli: Bisexual for sure

10. Jan, Grease

Riese: Cozy pajamas, imitating Bucky the beaver
Kayla: representation for kind of annoying but ultimately endearing loud goofy theater gays
Valerie: Felt left behind when her friends started liking boys, leaned into her childish interests to compensate.

9. Frenchy, Grease & Grease 2

Riese: it’s the hair
Valerie: Also she’s really into dream interpretation which feels queer to me
Shelli: An ally but VV straight
Drew: idk she has very bisexual energy to me
Carmen: The energy is that her hair color is entirety the bisexual pride flag, all at once.

8. Vi, Grease

Riese: elder dyke energy
Valerie: yes very Bev from A League Of Their Own, gotta look out four our own vibes

7. Danny Zuko, Grease

Riese: in an alternate reading of sandy’s season-ending makeover, long maligned by feminists, danny is simply a power bottom in search of a hard femme top who will literally walk all over him. he has no use for the passive heterosexual sandra dee, he needs a woman who challenges him to keep her satisfied and puts out a live cigarette on the dirt in his face
Kayla: his performative masculinity is clearly an overcompensation for baby butch frustration
Drew: The whole movie is him trying on various lesbian identities: the romantic, the greaser, the mechanic, the athlete, and, ultimately, the wife guy.
Vanessa: the greaser to wife guy pipeline is real!!!!
Carmen: The shine of the grease slick (pun not intended) in Danny Zuko’s hair is so butch, and no I will not explain.

6. Stephanie Zinone, Grease 2

Kayla: only a homosexual can wear a jacket that well
Vanessa: MY ROOT, MY LOVE, MY LIFE

5. Kenicke, Grease

Riese: Hey Mamas lesbian
pretends to be hard, is in fact soft
wants to immediately provide for rizzo’s hypothetical baby and then u-hauls regardless
Kayla: I dressed up as him to go to a queer dance party in my early 20s sooooo

4. Michael, Grease 2

Riese: looks great in sweater vests and leather vests
Valerie: The teen queer impulse to change everything about yourself so a girl notices you is relatable.
Natalie: Is he gay or just British?
Drew: This is a lesbian trans woman

3. Betty Rizzo, Grease

Valerie: Rizzo had a reluctant crush on Sandy and you can’t convince me otherwise
Shelli: I think this is a case of « Is she hot and queer or just hot and confident » as much as I want the pencil skirt to add on layers of dykin I am only in the middle – extra points for the haircut though.
Riese: agree shelli yes
Carmen: Would any of us be here without her?
(I am “us”)
she’s an icon she’s a legend and she is the moment

2. Mrs Murdoch, Grease

Riese: i mean… this is a queer coded character right she’s a shop teacher in 1959
Valerie: I bet the principal made her wear that jewelry, there’s no way a shop class teacher would actually want to be wearing snag hazards around her neck and in her ears.
Gay.
Natalie: Yeah, the jewelry feels like a mask.
Carmen: That’s a lesbian for sure.

1. Dolores Rebchuck, Grease 2

Riese: tiny skateboarder with punky brewster vibes, wants desperately to be one of the girls
Shelli: Lesbian and future publisher of some underground magazine in the 70s
Drew: Gosh I love Pamela Adlon

Bears, Ranked By Lesbianism

The cinematic weekend of the year is finally upon us. Yes, that’s right: Cocaine Bear — the real life story of a bear who ate a duffel bag full of cocaine hidden in the Georgia woods — has hit theaters. It’s not really in our purview; apparently, the Cocaine Bear only terrorizes straight people, but we couldn’t pass up an opportunity to be part of such an important cultural conversation. And so, we have ranked fictional bears by lesbianism.

This list was calculated using my usual form of gay math. I dropped pictures into our Slack, provided a little context, and asked everyone on the team to vote for each bear on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being least lesbian, 5 being most lesbian). I also asked them to offer some evidence for their ranking, and they were more than happy to oblige.

Allow our entire team to proudly present…

Bears, Ranked By Lesbianism

25. Lots-o’-Huggin’ Bear

In Toy Story 3 he used to rule Sunnyside Daycare, but he’s retired from that now. A jumbo, extra-soft teddy bear with a pink and white plush body and a velvety purple nose, Lots-o’-Huggin’ Bear smells like strawberries and dictatorships.

Stef: Not even going to entertain this monster with a 1.
Laneia: Lotso has a thin blue line license plate on his Jeep sorry.
Stef: And a t-shirt that says “I stand for the flag. I kneel for the cross.” With eagles on it and shit.
Nic: Sociopath.
Natalie: He voted for Trump.
Laneia: Both times Natalie.
Stef: Oh NO DOUBT.
Drew: Okay but actually Lots-o’ gives me Ellen Degeneres vibes.

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24. Po

A clumsy panda who lives in the Valley of Peace and works in his goose father Mr. Ping’s noodle shop. All Po wants in the whole world is to learn kung fu!

Casey: Just nothing here says lesbian, sadly.
Natalie: My least favorite bear thanks to my nephews’ obsession with this series when they were younger.
Natalie: Tigress is clearly the lesbian of this group anyway.

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23. Coca-Cola Polar Bears

You can’t beat the real thing!

Ro: These bears are clearly gay men who rule their local community theater scene.
shea: I agree with Ro. It’s really giving “let’s do brunch at the Plaza in paisley.”
Stef: Oh these are for sure a gay retired DINK (double income no kids) couple without a care or worry in the world.
Nic: Something about the bear on the left feels like T*cker would have him on his show to prove he does know one (1) gay bear.

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22. Yogi Bear

Hey, hey, hey, he’s smarter than the av-er-age bear and a seeker of pic-a-nic baskets! Foil of Mr. Ranger, sir, and best friend of Boo-Boo!

Stef: Yogi is the most heterosexual one on the list so far tbh.
Ro: Absolutely not! A tie with no shirt is a look for straight dude strippers AND lesbians.
Stef: OK then, he must be moonlighting as a stripper outside of the cartoons we see.
Ashni: This tie with no shirt feels a lot like Blake Lively in A Simple Favor rocking the cuffs with no sleeves.
Heather: My dad’s nickname was Yogi (like a riff on Hoagie) so I gotta say: not lesbian. Even though when I was growing up my dad’s main crush was Jodie Foster. 🤔

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21. ICEE Polar Bear

He’s the bear equivalent of a Slush Puppy.

Stef: Yet another situation where I wish I could give a 2.5. Like this bear is definitely not heterosexual but are they gay?? Who can say??
Laneia: Asexual nb sweetie.
Natalie: Clearly a lesbian who suffers constant hot flashes and needs to cool off.
Heather: Me and you both, Icee Bear. Me and you both.

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20. Clutch the Rocket Bear

The Houston Rockets mascot is most famous for stealing a fan’s beer to give to a man who got shot down —the woman said “no!” and marched off the court — during a halftime proposal.

Nic: Never reward a man who proposes during a sporting event.
Casey: Clearly the woman deserved the beer, not the guy.
Casey: This bear has no feminist solidarity!

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19. Little John

Robin Hood’s loyal sidekick and best friend! Reminiscin’, this-n-thattin’, havin’ such a good time! Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly, what a day!

Stef: I don’t know…Robin Hood and Little John both give me strong faggot energy but like two different kinds of faggots, you know?
Laneia: Correct Stef.
Stef: His name is Little John… I’m sure I could go down to any bar in Wilton Manors, scream that name out, and get like 5-6 guys asking why I was calling them.
Laneia: Wow yes. I was in Whole Foods Sunday and a woman in yoga pants said “babe” and literally 5 people — INCLUDING ME, STEF — turned to her in response. Same thing.
Stef: Exactly the same scenario, it’s so true.
Natalie: Not a lesbian but proudly part of the alphabet mafia.
Casey: Agreed, Little John has strong gay guy vibes, duh, bear vibes to specific! Very queer, but not of the lesbian flavour.
Niko: Returning when we can discuss the high femme lesbian queen Maid Marian.
Stef: Listen, my younger brother and I used to watch Robin Hood: Men in Tights over and over again as kids for the same reason I think (Amy Yasbeck being a fuckin’ babe).

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18. Angus

He works the day shift at Video Outpost “Too” in Night in the Woods, but dreams of being a scientist. An “annoyingly strident atheist,” according to Bea the Crocodile. Angus also plays in the band!

Heather: You ever notice how many bears wear porkpie hats?

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17. Sugar Bear

The Golden Crisp cereal mascot. Just a cool guy. He used to wear a backwards baseball cap, but Post thought it made him look too much like the Honey Smacks frog.

Shelli: Giving me “hey mamas” vibes for sure.
Vanessa: Hahahhaa Shelli! Just came here to say the same thing!

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16. Jazz Bear

The mascot of the Utah Jazz! He got into trouble for doing too many hijinks in his stunts, the NBA thought he was going to murder a fan on accident.

Dani: Lmao the sunglasses.
Stef: Giving him a 4 for the fit alone.
Valerie Anne: I am going to have nightmares about this mascot.
Vanessa: I hate this bear.
Stef: Come on, guys, he looks cool.
Valerie Anne: He looks cool with MURDER.
Laneia: See I feel like this is the hey mamas lesbian.
Casey: This bear looks like a werewolf!! WTF.
Drew: I think this bear gave me coke once.

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15. Baloo

Whenever great deeds are remembered in this jungle, one name will stand above all others: our friend, Baloo the bear!

Stef: This might be controversial but Baloo gives me big fruity guy sidekick more than anything else.
Shelli: I’m just here to say I hated The Jungle Book.
Valerie Anne: Baloo adopted a stray human the way lesbians adopt stray cats, I support this choice.
Niko: Is he the same one that was a pilot in that other Disney show? Or different bear?
Valerie Anne: Yes! TaleSpin!
Stef: I was just about to say TALESPIN!
Casey: I feel like Baloo has too much irresponsible dad energy to be a lesbian, he leaves all the hard parenting work, setting boundaries and safety to Bagheera and just has fun with Mowgli instead.
Heather: YES! The ultimate lesbian auntie!

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14. Bear in the Big Blue House

Bear lives in the Big Blue House where he takes care of Ojo, a bear cub; Tutter, a mouse; Treelo, a lemur; otters Pip and Pop; and narrator Shadow. He goes on adventures with his friends where he learns about solving problems, sharing, and cooperating.

Stef: Bear gives me strong genderless dyke vibes… I wish i could give a 2.5.
Ro: Bear presides over a lesbian commune for sure.
Ashni: Obsessed with the moon? Lesbian.
Natalie: A bear that brings home that many strays? It’s like the Heather Hogan of bears. Peak lesbian.

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13. Grammi Gummi

She’s the real leader of the Gummi-Glen Gummi Bears and the Keeper of the Secret Recipe of Gummi Berry Juice! Bouncing here and there and everywhere!

Casey: Hmm, I’m getting more mom who’s like the best ally to her gay son vibes here, kind of like the mom who works at the gay diner on queer as folk?
Heather: Me and my bisexual sister used to blame the “Gummi Berry Juice” when we got in trouble for being too loud and bouncy, especially in church, so Grammi’s a real lesbian icon in our family. Grammi never would’ve made us go to tent revivals!

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12. Fozzie Bear

Wocka wocka!

Stef: Y’all don’t know this about me but I’m a big Muppets head and Fozzie has always been one of my favorites because I really feel like we’re similar.
Sai: Fozzie was always a fave of mine too! Apparently I went through a “wocka wocka wocka” phase as a child…
Stef: lol SAME. I would do “wocka wocka” when I found something funny.
Heather: I think we can all agree it’s time for y’all to bring this back.

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11. Teddy Ruxpin

Teddy Ruxpin is an animatronic children’s toy with a tape deck in his back, underneath his romper. He is also an 80s cartoon. Teddy Ruxpin loves to lean, sing, make friends, and fly in an airship. His best friend is named Grubby.

Stef: Dani, how can you rate Teddy a 1 when he literally dresses exactly like me?
Dani: LMAO
Dani: Honestly good point.
Vanessa: My parents bought me a Teddy Ruxpin when my brother was born so I wouldn’t be jealous of him getting attention but as a result I insisted on calling my brother Teddy for the first several months of his life.
Laneia: Teddy is lowkey insufferable but also who else would you trust to run the co-op? No one, that’s right.
Stef: I don’t know him personally but I’d love to know where he got that t-shirt from in the pic.
Niko: Considering Teddy has a tape recorder in his belly, I would say he’s 100% a cop. He’s literally always recoding you.
Stef: What??? Teddy Ruxpin was a narc??
Laneia: No wait he couldn’t record you, only read to/at you which is why he was insufferable! But again, weirdly competent.
Niko: I mean, you don’t get a tape recorder installed in your chest unless your going deep undercover 4 life.
Niko: Teddy Ruxpin just has big “I told the teacher about you” energy.
Natalie: Teddy Ruxpin wanting to be friends with everybody gives me peak bisexual vibes.
Natalie: Though I could be talked into ranking them higher if one question could be answered: is that shirt a one piece or a basketball jersey with an undershirt? Gonna let you guess which one gives you the higher lesbian rating.

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10. Paddington

Just a marmalade loving buddy who tries so hard to get things right. A shoo-in for Kind Hearts Friendship Club!

Stef: Nonbinary anti-carceral icon, Paddington.
Laneia: Seems like paddington would hang out with Jenna Lyons and buy old bottles of ink at Sotheby’s auctions.
Drew: Because I projected onto him in Bright Star, I’ve always felt like Ben Whishaw — famous gay man who voices Paddington — has lesbian vibes.
Lily: Paddington needs to be in top 5 at the very least. He gives off a vibe of going to radical book clubs, loving DIY, using multiple pronouns, etc.

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9. Rupert

Just a dapper English pal from Nutwood who runs errands for his mom that always seem to turn into magical adventures.

Stef: You guys, Rupert isn’t a lesbian…he’s just British.
Vanessa: hahahahahhaha STEF!
Stef: Just felt like everyone needed to be reminded!!
Niko: Dead, I am deceased.
Stef: It’s just…I know it’s easy to get confused.
Natalie: But those shoes though?
Stef: Still just British as hell to me, tbh.

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8. Funshine Bear

Funshine Bear is a Care Bear who’s blissfully sure everything’ll be fine. Their biggest concern: will it be cool? Always sunny, but blindly optimistic, Sunshine Bear is the co-pilot of the Cloudseeker. They wear a little red baseball cap, probably a Rockford Peaches one.

Valerie Anne: I personally think Wishbear is the gayest bear but that’s because I’ve had a stuffed Wishbear since the day I was born. All Care Bears are gay though I’ll give you that.
Laneia: Turned a denim jacket into a vest one summer and hasn’t been the same since, bless.
Niko: Okay this was the Care Bear from my conversion therapy essay and I did not expect to feel things in the course of this lesbian march madness (also very gay).
Nic: Funshine Bear is 100% the coach of a metropolitan queer softball team
Drew: I feel like every Care Bear has the potential to be the kind of lesbian who uses a lot of therapy speak but is actually low-key toxic.

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7. Stufful

An adorable Fighting-type Pokemon cub who does not like being touched by strangers and evolves into a giant pink bear called Bewear. If you try to hug him, he’ll flail hard enough to break a tree!

Natalie: Someone created me as a bear. Who knew?!
Heather: I knew there was a reason Stufful was my favorite!

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6. Teddy Grahams

You can get them in the flavors of honey, cinnamon, chocolate, and chocolate chip! Little bags of Teddy Grahams are very popular at labs where you have to give a lot of blood!

Drew: Teddy Grahams feel very lesbian to me. It’s just a feeling. I can’t explain it.
Heather: When I was a kid, they introduced a limited edition Teddy Graham called Dizzy Grizzlies, and they were into the “X sports” of the early 90s, such as “inline skating” and “volcano boarding” and “extreme pogo.” Anyway those were the gayest ones of these. Skateboarding on a literal mountain made of fire? Who else but a lesbian.

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5. Pancham

Pancham is a Fighting-type Pokemon who hates being perceived as cute — and therefore not tough! — but they can’t help it: they smile big when you pet them. But don’t underestimate them! It makes them very grumpy!

Casey: I don’t know anything about Pokemon, but being really cute but not wanting to be called cute because they want to be tough could describe a few of my masc exes lol.
Heather: Pancham is like all my favorite fictional bisexuals: cool as heck leather jacket-wearing surly exterior, gooey caramel center.

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4. The Winter’s Tale Bear

He acts out Shakespeare’s most famous stage direction: “Exit, pursued by a bear.” This bear, she eats Antigonus, right after he abandons a baby in the wild. While the bear is gnawing on Antigonus, he yells out his name and rank to a passerby.

Stef: Really love that you included this one, Heather. A true lesbian hero.
Analyssa: Excellent addition, also I fell in my first gay love while working run crew for a production of Winters Tale so canonically a gay play.
Shelli: Big country mama bear energy.
Stef: Truly one of Shakespeare’s great gay romances.
Casey: Lesbian feminist energy for sure!
Drew: My ex loved this play so much and even directed an experimental production of it.
Drew: Next we need to do Shakespeare plays ranked by lesbianism.
Stef: Not to be an English teacher about it but i would love that so much.
Heather: Okay but if we do that, Amanda Bynes’ She’s The Man is absolutely going on it.

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3. Smokey the Bear

Who can prevent forest fires? Only you! And this dad!

Stef: I know Smokey would run a Wendy’s like the goddamn Marines.
Ro: When I was a kid, I bought myself a Junior Ranger hat at a national park SPECIFICALLY so that I would look like Smokey the Bear.
Casey: The belt buckle! The cuffed jeans! That stance! The hat! It is all very butch dyke.
Em: I didn’t realize I was sexually attracted to Smokey until right now

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2. Corduroy

He lost his button! And went on an adventure all by himself around an entire department store to try to find it! But when his best friend Lisa brought him to his forever home, she sewed a button on for him, and gave him such a hug.

shea: UM HE WEARS OVERALLS. NEED WE SAY MORE?
Heather: Corduroy is the Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya of bears. Gay!
Shelli: This was my actual favorite book growing up, and I still have a copy of it on my bookshelf right now, and wow, maybe I was so connected to it because Corduroy was doing some dykin in the department store
Niko: Oh my god I had totally forgotten about this bear and this is taking me back.
Drew: “Best friend Lisa”? Hmmm.

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1. Winnie the Pooh

Tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff.

shea: TBH I am biased on this one because my friends and family are convinced (rightfully so) that I am the living embodiment of Pooh. But really, Pooh is a soft boi icon and allllll about the hunnies!!!
Stef: Raise your hand if your family was obsessed with getting you Winnie the Pooh products as a kid because Pooh “reminded them of you.”
shea: Lol all the chubby enbys to the front.
Meg: A pantsless king.
Stef: Very practical outfit choice.
Vanessa: WINNIE THE POO IS MY ROOT.
Vanessa: Both for being gay and also for one specific kink thing that I won’t go into.
Vanessa: Anyway I love him.
Casey: Lesbian icon AND fat positive icon.
Em: I went on a date with this person who took me to Disney and bought me a mini Pooh stuffed animal wearing a rainbow overall jumpsuit. It didn’t work out and they ghosted me, but I feel like this further proves the point that Pooh is very queer.
Ro: Crop top. No pants. Loves a honey pot. That’s a lez.

Christmas Traditions, Ranked by Lesbianism

Feature image photo by LPETTET via Getty Images

Christmas is almost here, and whether you’re the type that got your shopping done in October or the type that is scrambling right this second, it can be a stressful time of year. What brings me joy this season is thinking of the absolute cherub that is my niece, her excitement for gifts, and her laughter at her favorite Christmas movies.

I also, as you may know, love to speculate about what is and is not gay. I call it reclaiming, or maybe it’s just straight-up claiming. There are so many Christmas traditions, so many that are pretty straight and some that are rather gay. So, I’m ranking them from straight to sapphic, and of course, justifying my answers.

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9. It’s a Wonderful Life rewatch

I should preface this by saying I’ve never seen this movie. But, I know enough about it to know it’s heterosexual propaganda. Truly any movie with a straight white man as the lead cannot be giving very much lesbian energy to begin with, so this tradition is one that I’m labeling as bitingly hetero.

8. Making Grandma’s famous cookies

Gingerbread cookies are the cookie of the season. I used to make them all the time with my mom and make up little stories about each cookie. This is a fairly innocuous tradition. It’s not explicitly gay or straight, it just kind of is.

7. Decorating the Christmas tree

As I put this list together, I’m realizing that many of these traditions are a little fruity, including this one. What’s more gay than putting little homemade trinkets and pictures of your baby self on a tree that you have adorned with bright lights? This used to be my most loved tradition, but then I became an edgy teenager and thought I was above it much like many of us do. Decorating the tree is just about having a pretty centerpiece, which is how I look to think of gay people: the focal point in a room of averageness.

6. Singing along to Christmas music

This tradition is separate from caroling because it’s done alone or with your chosen family. You sing with abandon, brazen and bold, not caring that you missed a note. A gay person that can sing is the center of attention, as they like to be, during this holiday season. I’ve already ranked classic Christmas songs by their lesbian energy, so put on Let it Snow – Boyz II Men ft. Brian McKnight and get to singin!

5. Caroling

Singing is gay. Using your voice to express splendor for the season is just really gay, I don’t know what else to tell you. The act of caroling is especially queer because you’re going to stranger’s houses and spreading the gospel with your little runs and trills. It’s just so…much! so extra!

4. Sipping hot cocoa/mulled wine/cider by the fire

Picture this: you are in the coziest cream sweater ever made. Standing by a window frosted over with ice crystals, a mug in hand, steam nuzzling your nose as you burrow deeper into the rich cashmere. A fire roars behind you. This is gay. Why? Because it is all about the sensations. The smells, the taste, the touch, the sounds. Very homosexual!

3. Making snow angels

If you have the impulse to leap into a mound of snow and lay there, wiggling your arms and legs to make an…angel? You’re gay.

2. Wrapping gifts and shopping/making gifts

Despite the “women be shopping” joke, I feel like lesbians love handmaking gifts more than they love buying them. This isn’t to say we never shop, hell, I do! But something about handmaking a gift and then carefully wrapping it, tying it with a bow, and labeling it with your best script is a queer tradition at heart.

1. Kissing under the mistletoe

I think making up an excuse to kiss someone is pretty dykey. Like “oh, would you look at that! There’s a plant above our heads, guess we should um…lock lips or whatever :)” This is for the kind of lesbian that isn’t brave enough to ask “can I kiss you?” or isn’t reading the I want to kiss you body language from their date very well. Kissing in your oversized Christmas sweater at the party is giving first gay Hallmark movie and I kind of love it.

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I realize I’ve left out many traditions in this one, so tell me, what’s the gayest Christmas tradition you can think of?

25 Babes With Baseball Bats, Ranked by Lesbianism

The World Series came to a close last night (congrats, Astros fans!).To honor the occasion, our team spent an entire workday this week ranking baseball batted babes by lesbianism. Well, I mean, the World Series and also the fact that we still can’t stop thinking and talking about A League of Their Own.

This list was calculated using my usual form of gay math. I dropped a whole bunch of photos into Slack, provided a little context, and asked everyone on the team to vote for each batter on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being least lesbian, 5 being most lesbian). I also asked them to offer some evidence for their ranking. And then everyone voted somewhere between a one and a FIFTY because the only thing queers love more than sharing their opinions is BEING CHAOTIC. Which is fine, of course; I am not exactly known for making people follow “rules.” I averaged the votes and sorted them and another entirely scientific Autostraddle list was born.

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25 Babes With Baseball Bats, Ranked by Lesbianism

25. Max Mayfield, Stranger Things

Heather: Here Max is threatening a bully/prepping for eventual Demodog encounters.

Valerie Anne: I don’t believe that Max is straight but I also don’t believe she’s ever held a baseball bat before.
Shelli Nicole: We all know how I feel about the children of Stranger Things. They are my little cousins and I would do anything to save them. That being said, Max needs zero help and her wielding this may not be very gay but it is very badass.
Natalie: Had to lose some points for the spikes and the awkward grip. Definitely not adding her to my softball lineup.

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24. Beyoncé, Lemonade

Heather: They don’t love you like I love you.

Shelli Nicole: THEY DON’T LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU!!!!
Christina: Changed me.
Drew: Okay but this is one of THE great works of heterosexual art and I don’t want to erase their culture.
Vanessa: WAS WAITING FOR THIS THE WHOLE TIME.
Vanessa: THIS IS MY TWILIGHT MOMENT, LANEIA.

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23. Gail Peck, Rookie Blue

Heather: At the batting cages on a gay date! Hilariously runs away from a slow pitch!

Valerie Anne: Gail “Noodle Arms” Peck never backed down from a fight, could murder a man with just a look, had quips that would make your brain explode…but couldn’t hit a baseball to save her life. AND I LOVE HER FOR IT.
Natalie: Oh Gail…she was good at a lot of things. Baseball, however, was not one of them.
Natalie: The footwear is a dead giveaway.

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22. Waverly Earp, Wynonna Earp

Heather: Prior to realizing she is a supernatural goddess, Waverly uses a baseball bat to protect herself. Her boyfriend at the time is a useless lump.

Valerie Anne: That bat beat away compulsory heterosexuality and set her free!!!
Meg: IT SURE DID.
Darcy: The only “you’ll be hitting the boys off so the a stick” we really need.
Natalie: This is giving, “I have to do everything myself.”

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21. Cristina Yang, Grey’s Anatomy

Heather: Fondly remembered for its Calzona outfield canoodles, season seven’s “Put Me In, Coach” also showcases Owen turning on the pitching machine to pelt Cristina with softballs, so she scowls, squares her shoulders, and knocks it out of the… well, the infield. She’s been drinking from a flask in the outfield with Meredith all day.

Valerie Anne: She should have hit Owen in the head and put us all out of our misery.
Christina: One of the baseball scenes is where Cristina says “I am in love with Teddy” sooooo.
Anya: I have never seen Grey’s Anatomy so I am basically picturing Eve from Killing Eve batting up, and that is very gay.
Vanessa: Casey, same.
Natalie: If only, Valerie. If only.

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20. Mrs. Barbara Howard (Woman of God), Abbott Elementary

Heather: Borrowed her work wife’s baseball bat (taped under her desk, ofc) to demolish the school’s one working toilet so the city would have to come fix all the bathrooms.

Valerie Anne: If this were ‘ranked by badassery’ I would have ranked this higher but I have a feeling if I told her I was a lesbian she’d be like, “My cousin’s neighbor’s daughter’s hairdresser’s dog walker is a lesbian, do you know her? I should set you up!”
Nico: It is true that heterosexual women can also be badasses.
Shelli Nicole: Mrs. Howard showed 26 minutes of The Rocky Horror Picture Show to her church on Halloween. A true Ally to the community.
Shelli Nicole: Plus she’s so hot and can do whatever she wants. Heyyyyyyy Mrs. Howard….
Christina: She is so hot it makes me ill.
Nico: I will third this.
Darcy: Yeah this ranks low in lesbianism but extremely high in my heart.
Natalie: She will not allow her desks to be desked yet again!

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19. Carol Danvers, Captain Marvel

Heather: She gets knocked down over and over in a montage, including this one where a boy pitcher tries to knock off her head — but then she GETS THE FUCK BACK UP so she can get back home to her wife and daughter.

Drew: I am deeply sorry to the Captain Marvel gay subtext community but in the years that have passed Marvel’s lack of actual gay stuff has made me harsher on this.
Stef Rubino: I hear that. I feel like I should’ve been harsher but this is one of only two Marvel movies i’ve actually seen, and it felt pretty gay at the time.
Drew: Oh it feels sooo gay no argument from me there.
Carmen: If someone wants to read my ‘Carol Danvers is Monica Rambeau’s deadbeat dad’ fanfiction, you know where to find me.

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18. The Cullens, Twilight

Heather: I was going to give y’all some context for this one too, but the fact that everyone started chanting TWILIGHT! TWILIGHT! TWILIGHT! as soon as I announced this list makes me think you don’t need it.

Laneia: Cinema.
Valerie Anne: All vampires are gay. These vampires are playing baseball. Therefore this baseball is gay. Simple math.
Nico: This is the most realistic depiction of how lesbians play baseball. Even if not everyone in this scene is a lesbian, they play baseball with the enthusiasm, gusto and prowess of lesbians.
Stef: Nico, that’s exactly correct.
Shelli Nicole: Film at it’s fucking finest.
Kayla: I came in here to say “this is cinema” before seeing Laneia’s comment.
Laneia: You know what, I might have to disagree with everyone here and say that vampires are specifically bi, but then between the Alice/Bella slashfic I’ve read and the fact that Edward is canonically a lesbian bisexual, this is a very lesbian baseball moment. Straight mortal beings could never.
Kayla: I love media analysis.
Christina: If you ask the average internet riddled homosexual what cinema is, a shockingly high number will say this scene
Vanessa: I want it noted I voted 5 for this solely because I love Laneia.

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17. Ginny Baker, Pitch

Heather: Fox’s amazing baseball show about the first woman pitcher in the MLB that was cancelled after one season because they kept putting it up against Thursday Night Football.

Shelli Nicole: WAIT — who is this?!
Valerie Anne: I’ve never forgiven TV for cancelling this show, and I 100% blame Mark-Paul Gosselaar because if they had just let her be GAY and not forced her to KISS HIM it would have been a PERFECT SHOW.
Valerie Anne: (Or even if they hadn’t let her be gay but just not put them together I HAVE A LOT OF UNRESOLVED PITCH FEELINGS.
Christina: I MISS THIS SHOW.
Riese: I FUCKING LOVED THIS SHOW.
Kayla: I MISS THIS SHOW SO MUCH.
Carmen: THIS SHOW WAS PERFECT NOW I AM SO SAD.
Natalie: My crusade to bring back Pitch continues unabated…
Natalie: Also, there were no American-born Black MLB players in the World Series for the first time since 1950. We need this representation back on our screens!

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16. Kristy Thomas, Baby-Sitter’s Club

Heather: Tomboy icon + BSC founder and president Kristy Thomas is at bat.

Stef Rubino: Kristy Thomas is gay as hell.
Riese: Why is there a zombie in the stands at this baseball game?
Stef Rubino: To watch baseball, Riese.
Riese: That’s true good point zombies deserve a nice evening at the little league game as much as the rest of us.
Stef Rubino: Yeah, he’s trying to harness the joys of his former life.
Darcy: I viscerally remember when I started getting these books through the book fair with the NEW, sophisticated cover redesign.
Darcy: With the crooked BSC logo.
Darcy: They felt SO MUCH fancier than the old ones.
Darcy: Kristy and the Trouble With Zombies.
Casey: Remember when she didn’t want to date Bart, her rival kids baseball team coach?
Casey: GAY.
Darcy: I cannot BELIEVE there are only two fives on this and one is mine.
Vanessa: DARCY I have joined you.

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15. Camila Noceda, The Owl House

Heather: Camila is the mom of The Owl House’s bisexual main character, Luz. Camila has adopted all the kids on this show, basically; is a veterinarian; and is using a baseball bat to beat up demons to keep her gay babies safe.

Nico: I love that there are not one, but two instances of people using baseball bats to fight demons on this list?
Valerie Anne: THE PIN.
Kayla: Jack-o-lantern shirt under a flannel is somehow even gayer than the literal Pride pin.
Carmen: I was gonna vote her lower, but the pin really cinched it.
Natalie: I had to go 5 on this: the pin combined with the jack-o-lantern t-shirt (clearly a reference to gay Christmas) plus the way she’s holding the bat…this is EXTRA GAY.

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14. Renee Montoya, Batwoman

Heather: Renee is walking into a party in a suit, flanked by other gay gals, ready to start/finish a fight.

Valerie Anne: THE SWAGGER.
NICO: THE SUIT.
Kayla: Color coordinating the bat to the suit is iconiccccc dyke behavior.
Carmen: Ok but no one has mentioned that it’s Harley Quinn’s bat? No disrespect to Renee Montoya, but that means all her points should also be Harley’s points.
Carmen: Harley should win the list. Her bat is so gay it made a new girlfriend.

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13. Snorlax, Pokemon Sun and Moon

Heather: In this episode of Pokemon Sun and Moon, “Pulling Out the Pokémon Base Pepper!,” Snorlax uses Pulverizing Pancake to smash Wobbuffet and beat Team Rocket!

Shelli Nicole: I don’t know what this is but lol 5 stars.
Stef Rubino: This reminds me of me If I were to go up to bat, so I’m saying 5, as well.
Vanessa: Do we think Snorlax is a fat femme or fat butch or…
Stef Rubino: I’m claiming them for the butch but also genderless community.
Vanessa: This feels true and right, Stef.

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12. Boris, Slo Pitch

Heather: Boris is a chaotic German lesbian who plays in the Canadian slow pitch beer league. Her team is the Brovaries.

Shelli Nicole: Although I hate the team name I dig this show.
Casey: This is giving strong Kate McKinnon licking her ghost busting equipment vibes.

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11. Nancy Gillian, 9-1-1: Lone Star

Heather: Nancy is queer and played softball in high school because of the girls. Her nickname was The Big Whiff but she kept playing anyway, due to the: girls.

Shelli Nicole: I HATE that nickname but also – 5 stars.
Carmen: She’s so tall. That’s it. I’m gay. She’s so tall.
Carmen: The legs!?!? The height!?!?

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10. Ruby and Sapphire, Steven Universe

Heather: Ruby and Sapphire are married and are usually fused together to form Garnet, but they unfuse due to competitiveness to play baseball. They flirt the whole time.

Valerie Anne: Flirt-fighting with your partner during sports sounds pretty gay to me.
Natalie: I like the follow through. Also I’m picturing Dottie yelling “dirt in the skirt!” from the dugout.

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9. Harley Quinn, Bat-verse

Heather: Your favorite chaotic bisexual’s favorite weapon is a baseball bat.

Valerie Anne: She’s a Batman universe “villain” who carries a bat that would be recognized as hers even if she wasn’t holding it SHE WINS.
Shelli Nicole: Harley is a bisexual menace and I support her wielding items to cause chaos in any form.
Carmen: I literally voted for the highest number I could.
Natalie: The level of excitement with which she is wielding that bat is both scary and sexy.

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8. Doris Murphy, A League of Their Own

Heather: The only context you need here is: This is Rosie. In a League of Their Own.

Nico: It’s ROSIE.
Stef Rubino: And still one of the gayest characters in cinema. To ME. Personally.
Riese: I mean.
Sai: My favorite is her impression of Penny Marshall telling her to play the scenes less gay.
Casey: I can hear her yelling, lesbian-ly, in my head when I look at this picture.
Carmen: I’m going to just casually lay down in the street so that she can run on over me.

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7. Nicole, Fresh Off the Boat

Heather: When Nicole can’t figure out how to tell her dad she’s a lesbian, she joins The Denim Turtle — the town’s gay bar — softball team and then comes out in the middle of a game.

Shelli Nicole: I wish with all my heart that I had come out to my dad in the middle of one of my softball games — instead I chose an email about a decade later. This is very iconic dykey behavior.
Vanessa: Heather, I no longer feel the need to watch television, I feel like you can just tell me about the best scenes and I’ll be content.
Natalie: Coming out after joining a softball team for a gay bar? This is PEAK gay.
Natalie: However, -1 point for the notsogay uniform. This was the 90s, this outfit should’ve been much, much gayer!

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6. Kalinda Sharma, The Good Wife

Heather: Beat the literal hell out of an enemy’s car after stealing evidence from it, left a lipstick kiss on the rearview mirror.

Sally: I’m only voting once, and it’s to give this one 50, because it deserves it.
Kayla: Do you know how many times the gif of this moment showed up on my personal tumblr when I was still identifying AS STRAIGHT????????????????
Nico: A sign??
Sally: Literally the only reason anyone would be straight is so they could be turned gay by this scene.
Shelli Nicole: This is always something I wanted to do if I were a villain so…10/10.
Christina: Filed under: things I think about a lot.
Casey: HOT.
Natalie: 🎵 I bust the windows out your car/ You should feel lucky that that’s all I did. 🎵

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5. JoJo Siwa, MLB Celebrity All-Star Game

Heather: A home run! Watch this gazelle (affectionate) run!

Shelli Nicole: This is — unspeakably and off the charts dykey.
Stef: Even the expression on her face!
Casey: The hair!
Riese: It’s like her hair is taken aback by the velocity of the dyke energy here.

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4. Jo DeLuca, A League of Their Own

Heather: DeLuca the Bazooka wins the World Series.

Meg: Christ almighty, this picture.
Stef Rubino: If she doesn’t get to go to a secret gay bar and schmooze with some other hot babe (instead of getting beaten up!!) next season, I’m gonna lose it.
Casey: Agreed! Give Jo a girlfriend!! Maybe with a pitcher from another team who is her enemy at first??
Natalie: I love that storyline idea, Casey.
Carmen: Hey wife.
Vanessa: Found Jo a girlfriend! 😇 ^

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3. Ryan Wilder, Batwoman

Heather: She’s BATwoman.

Nico: 5 out of 5 bats!
Valerie Anne: The best bat!
Meg: HEATHER.
Carmen: (She better rank in the top three or everybody’s fired.)
Natalie: Our forever bat.

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2. Max Chapman, A League of Their Own

Heather: Max never actually bats in ALOTO, but she sure does strike out a whole lotta men. (And only strikes out with one woman.)

Valerie Anne: NO NOTES.
Shelli Nicole: NO NOTES AT ALL.
Stef Rubino: NOT A SINGLE ONE.
Riese: YES.
Nico: ZERO NOTES.
Darcy: HELP.
Casey: THE LEAN I’M DEAD.
Carmen: LITERALLY NOT A NOTE.
Natalie: Torn between being utterly seduced by this picture and being stuck on there being no bats. I’m a sports gay, you can’t do this to me!

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1. Jodie Foster, Rookie of the Year

Heather: An ABC Afterschool Special from 1973 about Jodie Foster joining an all-boys baseball team.

Shelli Nicole: We should make a post where it is just this photo and zero words — clicks off the charts.
Laneia:

Shelli Nicole: I see we are on the same page, Laneia.
Natalie: The outfit, the tentative grip on the bat, the concentration…it’s all very “baby gay.”

40 Female Horror Protagonists, Ranked by Lesbianism

Women in horror are special to me. Between being stripped of bodily autonomy to being seen as nothing more than an object for male pleasure, being a woman is one of the scariest things in the world. Horror has been an avenue for exploring these issues. Some films portray women as monsters, delving into the terror surrounding, or rather the terror placed upon, sexuality, motherhood, and puberty. Other films have the “Final Girl”, a complicated role where the woman often survives because she is morally superior compared to her peers.

Horror is also, like, super gay. Recent meditations on this subject, such as It Came From the Closet: Queer Reflections on Horror, Queer For Fear: The History of Queer Horror, and Autostraddle’s very own series, Horror Is So Gay, prove it. So, of course, I simply had to rank female protagonists in horror by how dyke-ish they are (or seem to be). This list contains a mix of horror classics and modern films. A few of them are TV shows worthy of consideration. The characters presented here are played by legendary scream queens, are monsters, final girls, or rebels that don’t fit neatly into any category.

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40. Max Cartwright, The Final Girls

The film is, disappointingly, straight. You’d think a horror parody with many satirical elements would at least be a little gay, but nope.

39. Sarah Bailey, The Craft

Witchcraft is gay. The Craft itself feels like a queer movie. But even after kissing her gal pal in order to perform a ritual, Sarah’s still, unfortunately, very straight.

38. Amelia Vanek, The Babadook

Representation for homophobic straight women who eventually go on to shop Target’s Pride collection for their gay child.

37. Marion Crane, Psycho

I don’t know why, but I get the vibe that she would be one of those straight girls who love gay men but hate lesbians.

36. Sue Ann, Ma

Octavia Spencer is compelling no matter what character she plays. Even straight ones.

35. Bee, The Babysitter

Let’s just keep moving and ignore the fact that her making out with Bella Thorn’s character — playful at best and objectifying at worst — was the result of a Spin the Bottle game in front of a group of dudes.

34. Theresa “Tree” Gelbman, Happy Death Day

Tree is the name of the President at your local GSA or a popular Tumblr user. But that’s as far as queerness goes for this character.

33. Jamie “Jay” Height, It Follows

Yet another very queer name for a very not-queer character.

32. Dawn, Teeth

Not quite gay, but where’s the “supporting women’s wrongs” Twitter meme when you need it?

31. Jennifer, Sweetheart 

Jenn slays a sea monster with a makeshift weapon from branches and the bones of dead people. She’s resourceful, just like a lesbian.

30. Clarice Starling, The Silence of the Lambs

Played by lesbian icon Jodie Foster, Clarice must be a little gay.

29. Sadie Blake, Rise: Blood Hunter

Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry.

28. Miranda Grey, Gothika

Miranda has the potential of a woman who would use their supernatural powers to open a private practice with her girlfriend, who would handle all the business operations.

27. Thomasin, The VVitch

Remember when Willow went “dark” in that one season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer? That’s Thomasin. Actually, Thomasin and Dark Willow would probably be besties, engaging in morally ambiguous behavior and chaotically queer festivities.

26. Dani, Midsommar

I firmly believe that Dani would fall in love with a sensitive, sexy butch after the ritualistic sacrifice of her piece-of-shit boyfriend.

25. Mitsuko, Tag

A solid 70% of her problems in the movie would be solved if she had a girlfriend.

24. Laurie Strode, Halloween

Laurie’s been trying to run from Michael Myers for over 40 years and still finds herself caught in the crossfire, just like lesbians who swear they’re over their ex but can’t seem to completely move on. (After the recent The L Word: Generation Q teasers, I’m specifically looking at you, Bette Porter.)

23. Madison, “Maddie” Young, Hush

Having a man in your home is definitely a horror story.

22. Sidney Prescott, Scream

I’m well aware that Sidney has only ever been with men in the films and never expressed attraction to women. But Scream writer Kevin Williamson himself has said that the character is an allegory for queer survival. Also, Neve Campbell is hot and I may or may not have had a crush on her growing up.

21. Adelaide “Addy” Wilson, Us

She’s that enigmatic, mysterious girl you matched with on Hinge and had a couple of dates with. You can’t figure out what her deal is no matter how hard you try.

20. Brigitte Fitzgerald, Ginger Snaps

In the sequel of this film, Brigitte’s doctor writes “Lesbian?” in her notes after Brigitte describes the symptoms of her lycanthropy, echoing what me and other viewers have thought all along.

19. Cordelia Foxx, American Horror Story: Coven

Between being a Stevie Nicks fan and her “friendship” with Misty Day, she’s not fooling anybody.

18. Carrie White, Carrie

When Carrie says “no” after her mother tells her to go inside the closet? Iconic. Also, many queers can relate to hating everyone in school.

17. Justine, Raw

I bet Justine eats pussy with the same vigor and buoyancy she displays when eating human flesh.

16. The Girl, A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night

Major top energy. After a successful night of terrorizing men, The Girl probably blows off steam by having endless rounds of lesbian sex.

15. Katrina, Vamp

This video does more than any words I could possibly say.

14. Buffy Summers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Hear me out. First, I do want to stress that, if our beloved lesbian witch Willow Rosenberg were the main character of this show, she’d be at the top of this list without a second thought. Second, I know at first glance Buffy comes across as Heterosexual™, given the show’s focus on her relationships with vampires Angel and Spike. But many show fans recognize her relationship with the slayer Faith as a complicated one with a shit-ton of queer undertones. Also, Faith’s line, “Let’s have another go at it. See who lands on top”, to Buffy has been living in my head rent-free since I was 14 years old.

Those who read the comics know that Buffy briefly enters a sexual relationship with Satsu, a fellow slayer. According to them, the first night they fucked was one of the best nights of their lives. Buffy is bisexual, and I will defend this until my very last breath.

13. Min-ah, Memento Mori

No one can be as deeply invested in a queer relationship as Min-ah is and not be queer.

12. Ellen Ripley, Alien

Full disclosure: I’ve never seen any of the alien movies. While doing research for this piece, Ellen came up in many articles. Her name is gay. She looks like many of the dykes I’ve passed by on my Lower East Side Manhattan adventures. She just screams gay.

11. Ally Mayfair-Richards, American Horror Story: Cult

The most lesbian thing about Ally isn’t that she’s a lesbian or is played by Sarah Paulson. The most lesbian thing about her is that she’s constantly crying or on the verge of tears. She also ends up being in a cult that wants to kill all men, if that’s worth anything.

10. Ramona Royale, American Horror Story: Hotel

I don’t know whether I want Ramona’s badass energy, be Ramona because she gets to have sex with Lady Gaga’s character, or be Lady Gaga’s character because she gets to have sex with Ramona.

9. Miriam Blaylock, The Hunger

Judge me all you want, but if I were to turn into a vampire, I’d want it to be done by Miriam.

8. Maddy Killian, All Cheerleaders Die

Maddy follows in Santana Lopez’s and Brittany S. Pierce’s footsteps in showing how gay cheerleading can be.

7. Lana Winters, American Horror Story: Asylum

Sarah Paulson, who has now made an appearance for the third time on this list, really is her best when playing a lesbian. Lana Winters is far from positive representation (we can’t expect much from Ryan Murphy). She ends up in a mental hospital for her sexuality and other horrific acts are done against her. Much of her trauma feels pornographic, used for adding to the “edgy and dark” tone American Horror Story delivers. But, she’s a queer person that survives.

6. Laurel, Bit

Trans characters in horror are rare and have often been villainized by the genre. But Laurel is a heroine in Bit and in control of her narrative. She’s also unapologetically lesbian, kissing and flirting with Izzy, a fellow member of an all-girl vampire gang. An important rule for the gang is that they should never turn a man into a vampire, because, historically, they can’t handle power. It’s camp, queer, fun, and refreshing.

5. Thelma, Thelma

The link between supernatural powers and sexuality is nothing new in horror. But Thelma, the film’s titular character, adds nuance to the trope with her queer identity. The more she represses who she is, as well as her feelings for another girl, the less control she has over her psychokinetic powers. Thelma’s eventual control of her abilities and realization that her powers aren’t inherently evil only happens when she comes to terms with her queerness.

4. Juliette Fairmont and Calliope “Cal” Burns, First Kill

OUR LOVE IS DEEPER THAN EDWARD’S AND BELLAAAAAAAAAAA’S!!!

IF I WERE A ZOMBIE, I’D NEVER EAT YOUR BRAAAAIIINN!

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3. The Yellowjackets Soccer Team, Yellowjackets

Yellowjackets has such a strong ensemble, how could I not include the whole team? First of all, soccer is gay, so there’s that. Second, lesbianism is as rampant as whatever supernatural shit is going on in this show. Shauna and Jackie are an example of the confusing, homoerotic friendships many young queers find themselves in. Taissa and Van are your typical soft butch and power femme couple. Nat is also the spitting image of the angry dyke teen aesthetic (she absolutely listened to riot grrrl too, even though it’s not confirmed).

2. Jennifer Check and Anita “Needy” Lesnicki, Jennifer’s Body

Y’all knew this was coming. What can I say about these two that hasn’t already been said? Jennifer and Needy, from sandbox besties to high school friends with an undeniably deep connection, never come close to actually crossing the threshold of being a couple. There’s something more than friendship, even if it’s not concrete. Jennifer and Needy are devoted to each other, and one is often seen prolongedly gazing at the other. All Needy can think about is Jennifer as she loses her virginity to her boyfriend. The truest horror of the film, paired with male violence against women and girls, is existing in a heteronormative world where a young girl’s value is tied to how desirable she is to men. That is, tragically, at least partially, why Jennifer and Needy never cross that threshold.

If you haven’t already, please read this amazing essay by the Carmen Maria Machado on Jennifer’s Body, bisexuality, and the dangers of quickly branding something as “queerbaiting”.

1. Deena Johnson, The Fear Street Trilogy

Young sapphic love is at the heart of this film trilogy. Deena is a Black, queer, and sexually active girl who’s a “fuck you” to the Final Girl and Bury Your Gays trope. She, and her girlfriend Sam, make it out alive against all odds after metaphorical battles against homophobia and toxic masculinity. Their love being a powerful force above all evil may come across as a cliche, but their story proves to be groundbreaking in the horror genre as a whole.

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Horror Is So Gay is a series on queer and trans horror edited by Autostraddle Managing Editor Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya running throughout October.

Classic Christmas Songs, Ranked by Lesbianism

Ah, the holidays, what a time! The snow, the tinsel, the gold, the urge to buy myself a million presents! While I’m famously a Grinch and only truly celebrate Halloween, I have a little bit of a Christmas spirit this year spurred by my cute niece who I love buying stuff for. As much as I don’t like this season, there are absolute bangers associated with this time of the year. Christmas music makes me think of hot chocolate, fuzzy slippers, and begrudgingly putting together the fake tree piece-by-piece. I feel like most gays either are really into Christmas or it is associated with bad memories. But, I myself will take any opportunity to find the dyke root in any piece of media, so I thought, why not rank some holiday classics by how much lesbian energy they exude? I haven’t listed every single Christmas song on here, just the ones I’m most familiar with growing up listening to what my parents usually played. So if you’re fav isn’t on the list, let me know your personal most lesbian Christmas songs in the comments!

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14. “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” – Andy Williams

There is straight annunciation, and then there’s gay annunciation, and this song is very straight in its annunciation of pretty much every word. Even the word “gay” uttered sounds straight in this dude’s mouth. It’s also, I’d argue, the least fun song on the list. Yes, I still do know all the lyrics to it but you can just really hear Michael Bublé singing this one, and that kinda ruins it for me. I’m sure Michael is a lovely guy, but he makes straight white women of a certain age quiver, so no song he sings can be on the list, and no song that reminds me of him is granted the gift of lesbian energy.

13. “All I Want For Christmas Is You” – Mariah Carey

I’ll probably get pushback on this one. But nothing makes straight people happier than being able to sing this song right here. Especially straight women. They love this one! As they should, its a great song and Mariah delivers on vocals like no other. My thing is this is a song that definitely feels like it was written by and for straight folks. Which is fine. Straight people deserve things too, I guess. You can just imagine a straight couple lip-syncing this one to each other on a cold morning or afternoon, maybe opening up presents around the tree or whatever. Like I said, straight people deserve to lay claim to stuff to and this song is definitely one of the things they’ve got in thee bag.

12. “White Christmas” – The Drifters

There are many versions of this song, but this is the one that was in Home Alone, so it’s the only real one for me. This version is the one I sing in my head when I think of “White Christmas.” It may not be the best but it is just right. The lazy, relaxed vocals give it a pretty heterosexual feel. Also scatting is a straight activity.

11. “A Holly Jolly Christmas” – Burl Ives

I’m laughing as I’m typing this. What’s more hetero than saying “holly jolly” with a straight face? NOTHING!

10. “Jingle Bell Rock” – Bobby Helms

The way this song starts reminds me of the Beach Boys, and that’s pretty straight I’d say. But he does say “dancin’ and prancin'” which the gays love to do. This song has more gay energy than A Holly Jolly Christmas, but it isn’t exactly rife with sapphic tones either. Though we get the dancin’ and prancin’ line it is almost immediately countered by “giddy up jingle horse pick up your feet” which…bleh. I love gay cowboys just as much as the next person but that was some boring straight shit if I’ve ever heard it.

9. “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” – Doris Day

Going home for the holidays isn’t very gay if you ask me, but I’m estranged from most of my family so I’m pretty biased. I love this rendition, Doris Day’s clean vocals and the soaring instrumentals of this one give it a special place in my heart! But it isn’t super lesbian. I can see lesbians thirsting after Miss Day though so the song scores points for that. Also the way it ends is so refreshing and gives me a little shiver.

8. “The Christmas Song” – Nat King Cole

Like I was saying earlier about gay vs. straight annunciation. The way Nat King Cole lingers on certain notes gives me lesbian energy. Also the way he says “SAAANTAAA” is so gay lmao. This song is not as high on the list because it’s not dripping with lesbian energy like some of other songs. This song is gay, I argue, but it’s like bringing your “roommate” of 10 years over for Thanksgiving gay — it hasn’t quite settled into its homosexuality.

7. “Santa Baby” – Eartha Kitt

Now you might be thinking “what is this song of a woman flirting with Santa doing so high on this list?” Let me explain. One of the first things she asks for is…a car. With like the year and make mentioned…you’re gonna tell me that’s not gay? Also, she says “think of all the fellas I haven’t kissed.” That’s what we call a loophole folks, she didn’t say she hasn’t kissed any women now did she? HM? She’s just a sexy femme that wants nice things! If you gotta flirt with Santa a little to get what you want, who can blame you? I’ll just look the other way.

6. “You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch” – Thurl Ravenscroft

Being a Grinch is gay.

5. “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” – Brenda Lee

Brenda Lee’s voice has a little bit of edge to it that gives me lesbian vibes. Like she’s obviously got a very beautiful range and can sing her ass off but there’s a little bit of bite there that isn’t just traditional, pretty la-di-da singing. There’s something about the way her voice travels as she sings “you will get a sentimental feeling when you hear…” God it’s just so good. Also the twang of the guitar on this one is dykey, and no I won’t elaborate.

4. “This Christmas” – Donny Hathaway

Mr. Hathaway put his whole foot into this performance, making it the best rendition of “This Christmas” by a long shot. It sits high on the list because it gives me very new lesbian couple celebrating their first holiday together. Or, a couple that’s been together for a few years and it’s gonna be a “very special Christmas” because someone’s proposinggggg. Also, the opening lyrics of this song are gay: “hang on mistletoe, I’m gonna get to know you better this Christmas.” GAY.

3. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” – Judy Garland

This song just sounds like it’s being sung by someone who is dealing with some unrequited love. The lyric “someday soon, we all will be together, if the fates allow” is very Sappho if you know what I mean. Particularly, what I love about the Judy Garland version, is the emphasis she puts on the “Gay” in “make the yuletide gay.” She just puts a little sumn sumn into it, a little pizzazz. Now I know that’s not what she meant but it still stands, this song has gay energy all up and through it which is why it’s so high on the list.

2. “Last Christmas” – Wham!

“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away.” Wow, if that doesn’t scream lesbian I don’t know what does. There was once this video by a lesbian comedian that said the one-year mark in lesbian relationships means it’s time to cheat and wow! This song reminds me of that. Not only is George Michael an icon, but he’s also got the smoothest fucking voice you’ve ever heard. This song is so damn good, the vocal performance to the lyrics — all incredibly gay. Who among us hasn’t had a relationship end at a year, and around the holidays? Perfect time to have a broken heart!

1. “Let it Snow” – Boyz II Men ft. Brian McKnight

Now, did I choose this as number one because it’s my favorite song? Maybe. Maybe because it was the song where I imagined myself in an oversized Christmas sweater teaching a beautiful woman how to shovel snow or put an ornament on the tree. You might even say, “this isn’t a classic” but it was in MY Black household! There’s something very gay about the opening vocal riff as well. Anything sung in falsetto is a little fruity if you ask me. This is not to say any member of Boyz II Men gives off gay energy, I don’t want the aunties to come for me, what it is saying is that the overall feeling of the song and the lyrics are giving first Christmas with your new love. I would have elaborate fantasies of my life with a woman play out to this song, so it has got a special place in my heart and on this list. What sells the song’s lesbian energy for me is its palpable yearning. You can just hear it in every note, the vocal acrobatics and sort of slow, tempered music behind them is like an older Black lesbian couple that’s been together for a while. I can just see them holding each other and swaying to this song. It warms my little frozen heart.

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9 Holes in My Haunted House, Ranked by Lesbianism

I’m not a lesbian, but you know what? I sure do think lesbians are great. My partner, Sadie, is a lesbian. She’s the best. Many of the people I work with here, at this incredible queer indie media outlet are lesbians, and they are also great. You know what’s not at all okay, though? The number of holes in our house — that’s what! This isn’t the metaphorical house that is Autostraddle, no, this is the house that Sadie and I live in, and it has real (not metaphorical) holes! How’d they get there? Well, the thing is, it has to do with decisions made by the previous homeowners, but if we talk about the prior residents too much out loud, the hauntings increase in their activity. So, I’ll leave it at that.

I assure you, dear reader, my partner and I have the ability and the skill to patch these holes, to repair these holes, to fill these holes — but we don’t have the time because Autostraddle Is Fundraising.

So, from me to you, from one homo in a home just trying to have solid walls to another, I am asking: will you consider chipping in $5 or $50 so we can get to the finish line? We’re almost there and each and every dollar makes a difference. Every cent goes toward filling holes in our budget so that we can keep this space here and pay our queer team — and then I can fill the holes in my house. Will you help?

Help Us Out!

Join A+!

Explore Fundraiser Perks!

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I hope you did help and thank you if so! Onward!

Firstly, Some Proof of Our Repair Work

Sadie’s an excellent forewoman and has one of the steadiest hands with a paintbrush you’ve ever seen. I am a beast at demo and pretty speedy with a drill — and together, we just get it done.

Why so many holes? It was the place we could afford and that’s how it works sometimes. All we need is time. But unfortunately, we at Autostraddle are understaffed, we still need to find an ad sales gay, and we are still running a fundraiser which has me working 8:30am-11pm weekdays and like, 9:30am to same on weekends, but with a lil break in the middle of the day on weekends so I don’t immediately blip out of existence. As it is with Autostraddle, so it is at home — if it’s one thing we’re in need of, it’s not skill, it’s hours in the day!

Here are some before and after pics of a particularly tricky plaster repair we refer to as: “Those corners weren’t there before.”

Before / In-Progress:

After:

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And Now… Holes in My Haunted House, Ranked by Lesbianism

9. The Holes of Dirk

Ahem. See those several lines of holes? The ones that look like fucking constellations? Those were done by a man who seemed to believe in some kind of drill-to-find-stud method. These are everywhere. The man never marked a spot with a pencil and drilled just one hole for a one-hole project in his life. The worst. How do I know his name is Dirk? He wrote it on the wall behind some wood panelling in Sharpie. That took multiple coats of primer before it stopped showing through. These holes are the mark of someone who was not careful, who did not even attempt good craftsmanship, who was not thinking of our collective queer future — literally the least lesbian energy I have seen in just about anything.

8. Demure Stairway Hole

This hole is dainty, but not in a high femme way. No, this hole is giving me straight woman energy.

7. Sapphic (?) Wall Hole

When you look at her from across the room, she winks! Should I read more into it?

6.  Plumbing Access Hole Revealing Hidden Cast Iron Tub

Sarah noted that this hole had lesbian energy because of the film, Bound, which is in fact a trans classic. This is an accurate assessment!

5. [Formerly] Doorbell Chime Hole

Oh my, those wires! Some serious mxtress energy coming from this hole.

4. The Time I Was In a Hole That Led to a Whole Extra Two Feet of Ceiling Height

Gay.

3. Railing Holes

These holes are just waiting here for a railing. I will not say more.

2. This Hole Repaired by an Actual Lesbian

Sadie replaced some lath that had disintegrated. So handy! This is some peak lesbian hole business, truly.

1. This Hole That Led to the Discovery of a Hidden Staircase

Besides the fact that this hole is clearly very daddy, this hole also has secrets to reveal. And listen, secrets — secrets in attics, secrets in staircases, century-old secrets — this is the stuff of lesbian culture.

Before climbing up into this hole, Sadie and I had wondered where the attic access was. We had never been able to find it! When we got our heads and shoulders up into this hole, we could see that across the attic, in just the space it should be, the joists were cut away, indicating the presence of a staircase, the entrance to which is sealed behind plaster in my closet.

This is funny because when I was tearing wood panelling out of this closet, I could smell a scent I know you’d recognize. The best way I can describe it is ancient grandma attic. Do you know what I’m talking about? I expected to find an access to said attic when I removed the wood panelling, but there was only plaster. I ran my hands over it and checked the corners and could not find the way through. It was so weird! Well, this hole has told us that for some reason, back when plaster was still in use (a quick Google search tells me drywall became popular in the 1940’s), they sealed this attic off completely. We have yet to cut a new access hole and to ascend the staircase, but if you want you can follow me on Insta and I will very likely post it when we do.

Also, I was right! The access to the attic should be in that closet.

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There you have it. This is the top lesbian hole in our house. And Sadie and I can do nothing about ANY of these until Autostraddle reaches the conclusion of our fundraiser.

So, I implore you to please spread the word far, spread that word wide, because where else on this internet will you find lists of anything ranked by lesbianism. We love you, and we want you to know that even $1 helps. And if you can’t support, that is okay. Autostraddle is majority free-to-read because we don’t think you should have to have money to read us. We want to be here for everyone who needs this queer space, and your gift helps pay that forward. Thank you for anything you can do.

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Cereal Mascots, Ranked by Lesbianism

Sometimes Heather comes flying into the Autostraddle #freeform Slack channel and asks the team which lesbian things are more lesbian. Yesterday she did it with cereal mascots, and thus: “Cereal Mascots, Ranked by Lesbianism” was born. We eagerly look forward to defending Snap, Crackle, and Pop! in the comments.

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17. Cruncheroos Dino

Valerie: Heather did you…invent mascots just for this question

Christina: OKAY RIGHT

Drew: Not gay but #1 himbo ally.

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16. Fruit Loops Toucan Sam

Ro: Toucan Sam is 100% a self-proclaimed ally who bought a bunch of pride merch at Target

Nicole: He is giving me middle-aged-gay-white-man-running-the-LGBTQ-affinity-group-at-the-conference vibes. like “Do you want a rainbow sticker for your badge? HERE!”

Drew: I don’t know… I feel like she’s a very eager baby queer at her first pride. (Who went by Samantha until two months ago.)

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15. Cap’n

Ro: I think every masc queer goes through a phase where they insist on wearing a captain hat.

Laneia: *@stef has entered the chat*

Stef:

Ro: I am not surprised in the least.

Ro: If only I could find a pic of me at 19 in my bedazzled sailor hat and marching band jacket (which, yes, I often wore simultaneously).

Drew: No longer identifies as a lesbian, but still feels an affinity for lesbian community.

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14. Raisin Bran Sun Boy

Laneia: has never really thought about their sexuality tbh, just hasn’t come up for them yet

Riese: sun boi loves double fisting

Rachel: got really into bread baking over quarantine

Christina: Have I never seen this sun before what in the lord’s name am I looking at

Drew: If this sun boy isn’t gay then they’re the most annoying person. If they are gay then they’re still annoying but at least they’re gay.

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13. Cinnabun the Trix Rabbit

Stef: always wantin something they can’t have

Natalie: this has chaotic bisexual written all over it.

Laneia: WHAT THAT’S THEIR NAME????

Valerie: i came here to ask the same question as Laneia

Heather: yes! cinnabun! named after a real rabbit from texas named cinnabun who won a contest to be the trix rabbit!

Laneia: shut UP OMG

Meg: heather you cereal box mascot lore is absolutely astonishing, i –

Valerie: okay it’s very cute it was named after a real rabbit but Trix have nothing even remotely cinnamonny about them so I must protest

Laneia: THAT IS THE ISSUE YES VALERIE THANK YOU

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12. Count Chocula

Vanessa: i just want to note i had count chocula for breakfast this morning. that’s all!

Rachel: getting like baby butch drag king vibes

Christina: Former theater kid, absolutely baby butch drag king, refers to it LOUDLY as their “art” in public

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11. Cookie Crisp Woolf

Drew: This wolf has Finley energy.

Carmen: OMG NOW I SEE IT, will have to change my vote

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10. Toni the Tiger

Vanessa: ok sorry but toni is daddy

Christina: Muscle queen, and yeah, kind of annoying about it, but in a way where you are like “Idk that’s just his thing?” Plant Daddy, great cook

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9. Buzz the Cheerios Bee

Heather: I just want to be clear that this is Buzz’s Twitter profile photo.

Laneia: virgo, can tell you which supplements you should be taking based on your gum health alone, runs the co-op and expects you to be 20 mins early for your shift okay! on time is late!

Rachel: this bee loves crocs SO much

Drew: This bee is a lesbian, but I’d be worried if any of my friends were dating them.

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8. Cocoa Puffs Sonny

Valerie: please tell me this is fanart?? was sonny always this stoned looking????

Natalie: me, after the edible hits.

Rachel: started an outfit inspo tiktok but forgot about it after a week

Christina: Fun Mom on the Edge

Meg: look, i’m sorry but sonny has “mom from jagged little pill” energy

Christina: GOOD NIGHT

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7. Honey Smacks Dig ‘Em Frog

Laneia: is looking into WWOOFing next spring

Vanessa: LANEIA

Ro: When you ask them on a date, their only activity suggestion will be foraging.

Vanessa: unfortunately i have to admit this frog is 100% my type, circa 2014

Valerie: i don’t know about the frog but the name of this cereal is incredibly gay

Christina: secretly has money but doesn’t talk about it and lives in a crumbling punk house with 15 other queers, always goes to Montana for the summer to do some sort of non specific farm work

Lameia: omg they go to boo’s farm

Vanessa: unfortunately this frog becomes more and more My Type Circa 2014 by the second!!!

Christina: LOL me just writing my worst nightmare person

Meg: this frog exhausts me but i’m happy that they’re thriving

Vanessa: christina i wish i’d had your brave insight and intuition 7 years ago

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6. Rice Krispies’ Snap, Crackle, and Pop

Laneia: cannot WAIT to find out where the snap crackle pop nb throuple lands on this list

Nicole: They’ve been together so long! can we interview them for long-term relationship secrets?

Laneia: there was a surprisingly contentious week or so when crackle’s BUTT STUFF t-shirt went missing and pop was obviously the main suspect and honestly it would’ve been fine if they’d just owned up to it! but snap just bought them all their own BUTT STUFF tees and no one brings it up anymore, unless there’s tequila.

Vanessa:  i had no idea that my relationship goals were right here on the front of a cereal box this whole time… wow. learning a lot about myself today.

Rachel: i feel like i would have like a friendly acquaintanceship with them for 3-4 years and never be totally sure whether they were a throuple or just like, really codependent roommates

Casey: I feel like they have Peter Pan vibes which is very gay

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5. Golden Gaytime Coco Pops Monkey

meg: i have never in my life seen this monkey, who the fuck is this monkey

Heather: one time in the middle of the night stacy discovered an australian ice cream called “golden gaytime” and then she went on a deep dive and also found this cereal! the ice cream slogan is “it’s hard to have a gaytime on your own!”

Laneia: wow erasure ! but it feels true

Riese: “lesbians love monkeys” – The L Word

Valerie:  i can’t believe i was denied golden gaytimes as a youth

Vanessa: this monkey is so young and happy and hopeful

Vanessa: this reminds me of the xena worrier princess meme with the haggard old sea dyke

Vanessa: do you know which one i mean? i can provide you with an image if you need, it’s saved on my desktop

Laneia: i’m gonna need that screenshot yeah

Heather: oh man you’re right that xena make this face ALL THE TIME

Vanessa: wait no no

Vanessa: so the monkey is the brand new queer in this meme

Vanessa: i’m the old sea dyke

Heather: oh! xena WORRIER princess!

Heather: well, however!

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4. Golden Crisps Sugar Bear

Casey:Sugar Bear!! I am loving seeing all these American cereals and their mascots that we don’t have in Canada. Sugar Bear looks very tomboi.

Rachel: 20something hey mamas fuckboi, joined the community kickball team because they thought they’d meet women that way but has missed most of the games

Vanessa: wasn’t cheating on you, didn’t know kissing counted as cheating, didn’t realize it’s cheating if you just do it one time!!!!

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3. Lucky the Leprechaun and Unicorn Gal Pal

Casey: The unicorn has bisexual hair!!

Vanessa: these babes are the MOST fun to go out dancing with

Rachel: heartbreaker hard femme + their dapper TA boifriend who wears suspenders

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2. Frankenberry Themfriend

Vanessa: the berry manicure rly speaks to me

Rachel: cottagecore

Nicole: cottagegore

Christina: tired eyes = gay

Nicole: I saw this cereal the other day while grocery shopping and just held the box in my hands for a really long time. I didn’t buy it because I don’t really like cereal, but I wanted everything else about it.

Drew: I’m sorry but combining a Mary Shelley creation with a brightly colored fruit is as lesbian as you can get.

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1. Boo the Boo Berry Ghost

Laneia: bummed she didn’t make it into heather’s gay ghost quiz but it’s ok, she gets it, been flying under the radar for decades at this point. she’s just glad she’s still friends with all of her exes, yeah, they bought that land in montana in the 80s, it was a real buyer’s market back then. she’ll tell you about it sometime. hey did you want some roasted dandelion tea? it’s her own blend.

Vanessa: i feel a little worried about this dyke.

Rachel: she looks how i feel

Vanessa: rachel can i get you anything

Natalie: I’m impressed with how many of these cereal companies make their mascots look stoned. They know where they’re getting their money from!

Meg: i feel the urge to wrap this ghost in a weighted blanket and bring her some tea

Christina: Always comes to the function at the time on the invite ON THE DOT, and leaves exactly forty six minutes later, no one has seen her home but then you learn she’s been living in a gorgeous brownstone she’s owned forever that is covered in plants and her oil paintings.

’80s and ’90s Sitcom Characters, Ranked by Lesbianism

The Punky Brewster reboot lands on Peacock next week, which we were all honestly already pretty hype about — and then we learned that Jasika Nicole has been cast as Lauren, “a fun-loving and self assured lawyer who’s relationship with [Punky’s best friend] Cherie develops throughout the season.” So, now we’re even more worked up! However, while it’s good to see gay characters in comedy remakes, it’s also important to remember that ’80s and ’90s comedies were saturated with LESBIANISM. And to prove it, our team has ranked 25 of the gayest ’80s and ’90s sitcom characters by lesbianism, just for you.

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25. Roz, Frasier

Heather: I’m willing to concede that I only think Roz — and everyone else on Frasier — is queer because Daniel Lavery writes so prolifically about the show.

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24. Vanessa Huxtable, The Cosby Show

Natalie: Vanessa Huxtable is on my list of the worst TV kids ever, right along with Julie Taylor from Friday Night Lights, Maddie Conrad from Nashville, and Grace Florrick from The Good Wife.

Heather: I went back and forth between Vanessa and Denise, but ultimately it was Vanssa’s endless anxiety that gave her the lesbian edge.

Shelli: I agree with Natalie so hard but also the anxiety is that queer trait that made me think again about her lesbianing.

Carmen: Vanessa wanted to have BIIIIIIG FUN.

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23. Lisa Turtle, Saved by the Bell

Shelli: I don’t see it — but I would like to.

Heather: Rosa Diaz on Brooklyn Nine-Nine said that Lisa Turtle made her bisexual, so that’s something.

Stef: Honestly there’s gotta be a reason she resisted Screech for so long.

Riese: At the age of 40 she falls in love with a woman for the first time and writes a personal essay for The Cut about it.

Carmen: As a very high maintenance Black femme, let me just say we recognize our own.

KaeLyn: Strong bisexual power femme energy is all I’m saying.

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22. Aunt Rachel, Family Matters

Heather: Freelance writer.

Carmen: I feel like I have no proof that Aunt Rachel was a lesbian? But also, given her relatively small role on the series, her staying power in our memories speaks for itself.

KaeLyn: Emphasis on FREELANCE WRITER.

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21. Kimber and Storm, Jem and the Holograms

Heather: Okay, Stormer slept with a picture of her and Kimber on her NIGHTSTAND, and Pizazz and the other Misfits had to bribe her with a PORSCHE and a PURSE FULL OF CREDIT CARDS to get her to stop making duets with Kimber and come back to their band.

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20. Elaine Benes, Seinfeld

Stef: I nominate Elaine just as a style icon alone.

Nicole: I always got lesbian vibes from her.

Stef: She kept trying to date men but she like truly truly hated every second of it.

Nicole: Just a very tragic case of compulsory heterosexuality.

Stef: Imagine Jerry Seinfeld being the ex boyfriend you kept as a friend.

Stef: She’s gay.

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19. Ashley Banks, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Valerie Anne: I feel like there was a period of time on that show where if it had been on now instead of the 90s, Ashley would have dated a girl just to rock the boat/dare people to challenge her about it.

Carmen: What I’m saying is that if someone told me Ashley Banks “experimented in college” after the show was over… I would believe it.

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18. Julia Sugarbaker, Designing Women

Shelli: Bare minimum she kissed a girl after Sunday school a few times.

Stef: I didn’t really watch Designing Women even when they ran it right after Golden Girls because like, after Golden Girls what else even IS there? But I feel strongly about these shoulder pads.

KaeLyn: She’s tried it, but she’s not committing to it.

Heather: Okay but name someone with more Bette Porter energy.

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17. Alex P Keaton, Family Ties

Riese: Republican.

Carmen: But iconic fashion choices anyway.

KaeLyn: Deeply in the closet.

Heather: Soft butch dreamboat.

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16. Chrissy Seaver, Growing Pains

Heather: Chrissy grew up to be Ashley Johnson. You know, Ellie from The Last of Us and Yasha from Critical Role? I rest my case. 🔨

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15. Clarissa, Clarissa Explains it All

Abeni: Her best (platonic!) friend was a BOY!!!

Sarah: Gay.

Abeni: I don’t think she ever dated or talked about boys that I can remember. That bedroom, though, wtf? How could you even concentrate on anything with that much stimuli? The 90s were an interesting time.

Riese: We love a maximalist.

Stef: You know what’s really gay, is that little surf-rock musical interlude they play whenever the ladder clunks against her windowsill and she goes, “Oh, hey Sam” WAAOAOOOOAAAAOAAA.

Abeni: She also programmed her own PC games.

Stef: Also she had a pet baby alligator in a kiddie pool? Which seems not thought through especially well, but you know how lesbians love unconventional pets.

Malic: Every picture of Clarissa is straight out of one of those “what gay people wear to brunch” memes.

Adrian: The chaotic gender presentation speaks to my soul.

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14. Phoebe, Friends

Riese: There is a zero percent chance that phoebe would say no if a woman asked her on a date.

Stef: Honestly the only person on the whole show I liked.

Heather: She’s like that person who discovers she’s queer and starts hanging out with queer people and wakes up one day and realizes she hasn’t been to Central Perk or spoken to Rachel or Monica in three years.

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13. Freddie Brooks, A Different World

Shelli: Free Love Freddie was occasionally in someone’s box in the dorms of Hillman and I shall believe no different.

Riese: Combining the queer ease of a fedora with the queer labor of crochet, straight women simply cannot.

Stef: That vest alone.

Carmen: You will never, not ever, convince me that Freddie Brooks and Kim Reese were roommates for seasons four through six of A Different World and no late night bedsharing was going on!?!? Nuh uh. No ma’m.

KaeLyn: Ahem.

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12. Margaret Kim, All-American Girl

Riese: Def pansexual, also got cancelled after one season despite being good, which is gay.

Riese: Also made a joke about being a lesbian in the pilot.

Stef: With a smile that says “I just did something gay.”

Carmen: There is no character Margaret Cho has ever played that did not rank at the top of any gay scale. That’s physics, babyyyy.

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11. Donna, That 70s Show

Shelli: My answer is based on the tees alone.

Stef: Eric was definitely a gateway boyfriend.

Adrian: Donna is bi, a hill I will die on.

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10. Dorothy Zbornak, Golden Girls

Shelli: Was dykin in Brooklyn for years even when she was with Stan’s cheating ass.

Stef: Nobody wears a billowing vest quite like Dorothy, which isn’t necessarily a gay thing but it’s not not a gay thing.

Riese: I imagine her being like a dyke who wrote a lot of books about activism in the ’90s and now in her elder years is like, honestly who needs girlfriend drama when I have such good friends and so many scarves.

Stef: I will say if she came out Sophia would NOT be surprised.

KaeLyn: The last person in my family I came out to was an older woman who was a retired university dean and professor and who never married despite being engaged more than once. When I came out to her, she shared with me in so many words that she “used to have a special friend, too, when she was young.” Anyway, Dorothy has definitely had some special friends along the way.

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9. Kimmy Gibbler, Full House

Shelli: MAYBE her and DJ tucked each other’s hair behind the ears once.

Stef: I relate strongly to how she just keeps showing up somewhere she’s not welcome, pretty sure it’s gonna work out for her this time.

Riese: def kissed DJ during truth or dare and liked it, but it ended there for her.

Stef: I think Kimmy figured it out in college.

Malic: Persistence is gay.

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8. Blossom Russo, Blossom

Valerie Anne: I wasn’t allowed to watch Blossom when I was little because the one time I did turn it on Salt-n-Pepa were on singing “Let’s Talk About Sex” but I definitely owned a floppy flower hat like hers and I mean… look at her.

Laneia: I voted 3 on a scale of 1-5 but Valerie makes a good point here. Her khaki shorts are gayer than I am.

Abeni: Once they made a safe sex video in one episode and I will never forget this line one of the boys said: “It’s safe sex or no sex. I’ve been doing one my whole life, iIcan’t wait to do the other.” I may be misremembering somewhat. that show was pretty progressive!

Riese: Looks gay but acts straight: the ’90s!!!

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7. Darlene, Roseanne

Heather: Speaking of looking gay and acting straight.

Riese: I feel like Nancy asked Roseanne a lot if she ever wondered if Darlene was gay and Roseanne was like of course not what are you talking about and Nancy like raised her eyebrows and shrugged and drank a sip of coffee and was like “Okay, we’ll see.”

Shelli: I had such a crush on this white woman and that’s mostly because she treated the truly idiotic men in her life like idiots.

Carmen: Facts.

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6. Andell, Moesha

Natalie: If I had to pick someone to be gay on Moesha, it would’ve been Andell, right?

Shelli: Oh Andell was dykin’ for sure.

Shelli: At least dabblin’.

Shelli: There ain’t no way that she wasn’t — like, no way.

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5. Tori, Saved by the Bell

Riese: l e a t h e r j a c k e t

Riese: Also the actress is gay.

Stef: Also Tori is gay, which makes her gay.

Riese: That’s math.

Stef: Math makes you gay.

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4. Punky Brewster, Punky Brewster

Valerie Anne: I’ve been called Punky by family members (and now friends) my whole life and I came by the nickname honestly; I was just like lil Punky when I was little (and am currently wearing mismatched socks) and I grew up to be a lesbian therefore so would/did she. That’s just math.

Shelli: I used to want to be punky so bad — ask my dad.

Riese: My mom didn’t let me watch shows with commercials so i’d go to my friend anna’s house to watch this show because i felt a deep affinity to this tomboy and her sneaks.

Carmen: I know almost nothing about Punky Brewster and have never seen the show, but even I know she’s a lesbian and that’s just lesbian law.

KaeLyn: It’s the pigtails. See also: Pippi Longstocking.

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3. Alex Mack, The Secret World of Alex Mack

Shelli: My QUEEN.

Stef: Alex Mack had the ability to actually turn into a puddle, which seems pretty literal but definitely very lesbian.

Valerie Anne: 90% of the queer women i know could put together an Alex Mack cosplay from items in their closet at a moment’s notice.

Carmen: I’m literally dressed like this right now.

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2. Jo, The Facts of Life

Tracy: So on the scale of one to five, we can’t give her a ten?

Riese: Literally gay.

Malic: Such a daddy.

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1. Khadijah James, Living Single

Carmen: AND NOW WE ARE HOME. Okay. I can rest easy.

Shelli: There it is.

KaeLyn: Um. 😳

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Every James Bond Theme Song, Ranked by Their Lesbian Energy

As a kid, I spent a lot of time being the go-between with my feuding parents. When they weren’t telling me how much they didn’t like each other they were probably not talking to me at all. When I was with my mom we were often out running errands and maybe going on “I’m sorry” shopping excursions. When I was with my dad, we watched movies. Mostly horror and action films. The films I enjoyed watching most of all were James Bond movies.

I came to the James Bond franchise when Pierce Brosnan took over the role. All of the other heads of the franchise I had to search out on my own. I loved Bond’s style, the suits, the gadgets, the music, the women! It was a life I couldn’t get over, its sexiness and allure. I wanted that life. The life of a spy tantalized me. I didn’t want to be a Bond girl, I wanted to be Bond.

I knew I was gay young but I should have known the moment I would imagine myself in a suit kissing a beautiful woman in a dimly lit hotel room. The James Bond themes are iconic. There are people I want to see do a Bond theme, I think Moses Sumney would crush it. But we are not here to theorize about who would be the next best lead for the series. We are here to rank every existing theme from 1-25 based on the song’s lesbian energy, with 1 having the most lesbian energy of them all. Doing this required me to listen to every song multiple times so if you see me walking around with a sleeker walk it’s because I’m a spy in my head and you’re all wondering how I’m so mysterious and sexy.

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25. “The Man With The Golden Gun” — Lulu (1974)

This song is probably my least favorite of all of the Bond themes. It’s frantic, buzzy, and the vocals are screeching instead of the smooth coolness I’ve come to associate with Bond. It’s honestly a little laughable. It listens more like an Austin Powers theme than a Bond theme.

As far as lesbian energy goes, it’s not giving an ounce. Almost all of the Bond themes contain lyrics about Bond himself or a villain he is facing (with notable exceptions). But listening to the lead singer warble about the man with the Golden Gun just dried me right up. The instrumentation is more chaotic bisexual than lesbian, in my opinion. It just doesn’t do a lot for me, moving on.

24. “Live and Let Die” — Wings (1973)

God this song. What a mess. I don’t have a lot to say about it. There are some great drum moments in it, but then it devolves into a manic mess. I normally will consider horns gay but there are not enough in this song to save it. Thankfully this song is as mercifully short as it is heterosexual.

23. “A View to Kill” — Duran Duran (1985)

I like this song, with lyrics like “dance into the fire” my quarantined body can’t help but want to move. Bond themes usually take this sort of dancey-pop route or the gravely serious ballad route. Duran Duran can do a ballad but I think they are far more known for songs like this. It’s not really giving much lesbian energy though, but it’s getting points for the 80’s fashion and hair Duran Duran used to give and that’s at least a little lesbian. Lots of mullets and shoulder pads.

22. “The Living Daylights” — a-ha (1987)

Here’s another song I would choreograph a dance to in my spare time. a-ha’s lead singer Morten Harket’s (yes I had to google this) voice is sort of warbly and has a tinge of longing in it that I can recognize as uniquely dykey. At least more dykey than the songs previous. Combine this with the sax that starts to come in during the final third of this song and we’re starting to ease our way into lesbian territory.

21. “No Time to Die” — Billie Eilish (2020)

The lyrics are beautiful and Eilish really delivers vocally. The orchestral nature of this song is what I love in Bond themes. I love a slow, creeping ballad that leads to a big, high, long-held note.

This is also a song about being fooled and as a lesbian myself I can tell you we don’t get fooled too often because we are great judges of character and emotionally educated. Lesbians get fooled but we know we are being fooled and decide that we’re so in love we’re just gonna let it happen anyway. This song doesn’t have that flavor to it which is why it’s so low on the list. Really beautiful job though.

20. “Die Another Day” — Madonna (2002)

This is one of my favorite Bond themes. It starts in this very dramatic way that leads into a synthy, poppy hit. It gets some lesbian points because randomly at the beginning of the song she says “Sigmund Freud, analyze this” and the lesbians I know are either arguing with Freud’s thought or engaging critically with it in a positive way. Let’s be honest. Madonna is a gay icon. But is she a lesbian icon? Not really! Also, “Die Another Day”? A good lesbian is gonna wanna get right down to work and die as soon as possible. Why put off tomorrow what you can do today?

19: “You Know My Name” — Chris Cornell (Casino Royale, 2006)

There’s something so confident about titling a song “You Know My Name.” Like bitch I don’t even have to say it, perfect, I love it.

This song gives me the energy of an older butch lesbian that has an office job but loves fast cars and her goddamn woman. On the weekends she lets loose with a few beers and her favorite classic rock. Something that was released in 2006 can hardly be called classic rock but it has that feel for me. I have met this lesbian and her name is Deb, she calls her partner Sher and they love sitting in their recliners to take the pressure off their feet after a long motorcycle ride along the coast.

18. “Thunderball” — Tom Jones, Don Black, John Barry (1965)

Why this song is so high is news to me but something about the horns in it gives me sapphic vibes. The horn is an instrument of yearning. This song is heavy with it, and as I have said, I love a ballad that reaches it’s climax with a big note. Lesbians known all there is to know about reaching a climax so there ya have it.

17: “Writing’s On The Wall” — Sam Smith (Spectre, 2015)

Sam Smith is incredibly talented and gorgeous. Their voice is memorable and vulnerable and open. I love listening to this song. With lyrics like:

“How do I live? How do I breathe?
When you’re not here I’m suffocating
I want to feel love, run through my blood
Tell me is this where I give it all up?
For you I have to risk it all
‘Cause the writing’s on the wall”

We are definitely in the realm of lesbian co-dependency. This song is a classic unrequited love song which I am frankly very familiar with. The yearning for someone to be there for you unequivocally feels kind of out of step with traditional Bond themes. It is slow and doesn’t really build in the way I like — but it is giving me some lezzy tinges.

16. Skyfall — Adele (2012)

Adele feels hopelessly heterosexual to me.

This song is hardly pulling through on the lesbian front. It is saved by the chorus “let the sky fall, let it crumble, we will stand tall face it all together.” Is there anything more lesbian than staying in a relationship when everything around you seems to be falling apart? I don’t think so.

15. “Another Way To Die” — Alicia Keys and Jack White (Quantum of Solace, 2008)

“SHOOT EM UP BANG BANG”
is a lyric that is yelled in this song. But wait! there are other lyrics, like the opening ones for example:

“I know the player
With the slick
Trigger finger
For her majesty”

slick?? fingers??? come on! COME ON! We can look past the fact that this song is usually incredibly low on lists ranking Bond themes from worst to best. That’s not what we are doing here. This song is carried based on the pure lesbian energy of Ms. Alicia Keys. She might be married and a Mrs. but I’m not motivated enough to look. Ms. Keys gives big stemme energy and so does this song. Like a lean, kinda mean, brown-eyed stemme with a smokey gaze looking at you from the corner of a bar.

Did I mention the song ends with Ms. Keys whispering “bang bang bang bang” like lol we get it the man has guns. The voices of White and Ms. Keys always feel a little out of step with each other which isn’t very lesbian of them so this song doesn’t rank higher.

14. “We Have All The Time In The World” — Louis Armstrong (On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, 1969)

This song has more optimism than most Bond themes have but it is injected with a bit of melancholy if you know the movie, and also recognize the slit hint of it in Armstrong’s deep, resonant voice. Being the most famous horn player known to man, one might not think Louis Armstrong exudes big lesbian energy. But it’s less about him and more about the sentimentality of the song.

13. “For Your Eyes Only” — Sheena Easton (1981)

This is one of the slower ballads in the franchise. This song for me calls to mind one of those lesbians who’s newly in love and everything is glittering and sparkling. Everything is for her or about her. If you’re a friend of this lesbian she’s completely fallen off the map, starts saying things like “maybe I’m an open book because I know you’re mine.” Sounds like oversharing on a first date, you can’t tell me I’m wrong. Also, the cover art for this song is giving me a femme who smokes a lot of cigarettes and asks you for your number without hesitation. She’s confident and in love and nothing can get in her way.

12. “All Time High” — Rita Coolidge (Octopussy, 1983)

“All Time High” gives very similar vibes to For Your Eyes Only. It does sound kind of like the theme to a sitcom and is kinda boring but it was in Octopussy…so…

I mean don’t make me explain myself here. Rita Coolidge is super hot and that’s a very dykey name. “Yeah me and Rita are gonna go down to Redondo Beach and spend a few days together.” You see it, you see it!

11. “James Bond Theme” — John Barry Orchestra (Dr. No, 1962)

The icon herself. The original Bond theme. The strumming on that guitar lets me know there was some exceptional finger play at work and that is incredibly sexy. Forget what that mouf do, let’s talk about those fingers dude. This song makes me think about shadows and skulking around corners, it thrills me and excites me.

It also gets major lesbian points for being the only lyrics-less song on the list. Sometimes you gotta say it all by saying nothing at all, you know what I mean?

10. “Moon Raker” — Shirley Bassey (1979)

Did somebody say THE MOON, did somebody say SHIRLEY BASSEY. Shirley Bassey has done three Bond themes and all three of them broke the top ten. That’s commitment and we know a thing or two about commitment on this side of the Kinsey scale.

“Moon Raker” is wistful and dreamy, not my favorite bond theme but sounds like something out of Disney movie after the Princess has found her true destiny and decides she doesn’t need to fall in love to achieve it.

9. “You Only Live Twice” — Nancy Sinatra (1967)

Something about Nancy Sinatra just screams lesbian to me. This song is very psychedelic and calls to mind something that I would have heard in Daughters of Darkness. I like the subversion of the popular saying “you only live once.” This song is breaking rules like a gender fucked lesbian who uses they/them pronouns and works at a bike shop.

8. “From Russia, With Love” — Matt Monro (1963)

This one is laughably gay. From “Russia with Love”? Russia is where your long-distance lover that you met on Lex lives. You have to spend all your sky miles to fly to her only to spend a few days with your new true love. My ex once taught herself Russian so she could sing “All The Things She Said” in its original language, so I associate Russian things with big gay commitment energy. Also, Matt Monro has a voice that carries on as a lesbian would.

7. “Nobody Does it Better” — Carly Simon (The Spy Who Loved Me, 1977)

This one is for the newly out lesbian that just had sex with a woman for the first time. She had eight orgasms and wasn’t sure that was possible beforehand. Nobody does it better indeed. Simon croons, “why’d you have to be so good” at one point which I think is something I’ve said during sex before. This song is imploring and exalting.

Being a lesbian makes me feel sad for the heterosexual women that seem to exist in circles outside of mine. This song really does give off the intensity of someone that’s just had really great sex and wants to tell you about it right this moment.

6. “Goldeneye” — Tina Turner (1995)

Now this song is sleek and sexy. It again makes me think of skulking around corners but this time I’m in a catsuit with a golden gun. I, of course, am too beautiful to know how to use a gun so it’s merely for effect here. It’s got a great beat and Tina Turner’s voice itself is cat-like and enticing.

This song gives me more villain than a hero and what’s queerer than a villain. The lyrics read like a woman who is ready to get revenge, and my Scorpio placements are all about that.

5. “Goldfinger” — Shirley Bassey (1964)

This song starts bold with horns screaming right in your ear. Then Shirley Bassey’s distinct, almost growling voice comes in, at points sounding operatic. It’s got “finger” in the title so we’re already off to the races with the lesbian aura. There’s also talk of a “web of sin” and golden words being poured into your ear. Sounds to me like I’m being lulled into a relationship by an emotionally unavailable stud with a cold heart who will definitely break mine given the chance.

Also, every kiss from a woman is the kiss of death. Have you ever kissed a woman? You’re done afterward. Absolutely spent. And the way Bassey holds the final note is about as close as a song can get to an orgasm so there’s that.

4. “License to Kill” — Gladys Knight (1989)

I love this song. I love this song. It’s so goddamn good.

I would love to see it in the lesbian reboot of a Bond film. For years I’ve been screaming about how I want a movie about a sexy woman spy whose beautiful wife gets kidnapped by one of her rivals and so the whole movie is her getting back to her beautiful wife, culminating with a tantalizing kiss. The lyrics “got a license to kill anyone who tries to tear us apart” gives me two overly-commital lesbians who will do anything for each other even though everyone around them knows they are destined for failure. I just love “gotta license to kill and you know I’m going straight for your heart.” Like HELL YES SHOOT EM UP BANG BANG!!

Gladys Knight is one of our most gifted vocalist, a living legend, the fact that she lent her voice to the Bond franchise should have them on their knees kissing her feet. Again, this song is just so good. It’s got the vehemence of two dykes in love and the whispery background vocals kill me every time.

3. “The World is Not Enough” — Garbage (1999)

The sweeping entrance of this song makes me think of running through a field or up a spiral staircase. The strings are grand and indulgent. The vocals are slithery and seductive. Like a woman in a slip of a dress, this song is super hot. I’m imagining a femme for femme fatale couple, every look they give is deadly and they are clearly so into each other that it makes everyone around them a little horny by association.

2. “Diamonds are Forever” — Shirley Bassey (1973)

I know “diamonds are a girl’s best friend” is a saying that straight women love to put on their Instagram captions or have on tacky home decor. But Diamonds are Forever? Completely different story. Diamonds are Forever is a high femme mistress who probably gets diamonds from her male clients but exclusively loves women.

This song also has one of my favorite lyrics ever: “unlike men, the diamonds linger. Men are mere mortals who are not worth going to your grave for.” The way she says “men” with such disdain! A man-hating lesbians anthem!! Take the money and diamonds and run baby. Shirley Bassey’s voice is so powerful and commanding, the way she purs “stimulate and tease […]touch it, stroke it, and caress it” is just everything you could ever want in a song.

1. “Tomorrow Never Dies” — Sheryl Crow (1997)

This might be my most listened to Bond theme. Something about solo female guitarists gives me big BIG lesbian energy except for Taylor Swift. But 90s female solo guitarists really had it. Rocking vests as shirts! Lots of leather! Big hair and dark lips!  Sheryl Crow just kind of sings like a lesbian would, too. You know what I mean, the way she kinda purs “it’s so deadly my dear, the power of having you near” and then launches into full-throated screaming in the chorus.

Why does this song have the number one spot? It’s hard to explain, it’s all in the fashion and the vocal performance. At points Crow is restrained and at an almost whisper, but then that chorus hits, and it’s like she really wants to show you what that mouth can do. She’s oscillating between extremes like a relationship between two mismatched women held together exclusively by great sex. We’ve all been there before.

The song itself sort of reads like an end of a relationship song, unlike many of the other themes that are about being at the start or in the throws of love. This song is great and a favorite of mine for a reason. It’s usually in the top ten for best Bond songs so I’m not the only one that thinks so. But this list, arguably the most hard-hitting and important, is the one that you should be most painfully aware of.

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As I said, many of these songs are about being in love and lesbians love that more than anything, so just about all of them have a tinge of lesbian energy. Fight your mama on this one. It made me feel like a hard-hitting journalist as I drank my apple juice with my headphones on full blast listening to these songs. I am a little curious what your ranking would be though, so let me know!

25 Lesbian Hauntings, Ranked by Lesbianism

Spooky season is fully upon us! The gayest season of the year! There’s been a lot of talking of lesbian hauntings these last several days due to Netflix’s The Haunting of Bly Manor, so yesterday I asked our team if they wanted to help me rank lesbian hauntings by lesbianism, and they sure did! You will find our mathematically comprehensive and scientifically sound results below.

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25. Veep haunts everyone living during the Trump administration

24. Alice haunts Kate, Batwoman

23. Tammy Lynn Michaels haunts Shane, The L Word

22. Emma’s mom’s internalized homophobia haunts Emma, Vida

21. Mulholland Drive haunts the exes who got back together and watched it with each other

20. Blake Lively’s A Simple Favor outfits haunt our dress-up dreams

19. That Dakota Johnson interview haunts Ellen

18. Mrs. Danvers haunts Manderley, Rebecca

17. The scorpion voiced by Tatiana Maslany haunts Helena in the box, Orphan Black

16. Your feelings about love being a lie haunt you while you watch The Haunting of Bly Manor

15. Tara Thornton haunts your sexy vampire dreams, True Blood

14. Albus Dumbledore’s words — “You place too much importance, and you always have done, on the so-called purity of blood! You fail to recognize that it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be!” — haunt JK Rowling

13. Alison’s face and dolls and parrot haunt Emily, Pretty Little Liars

12. Erica Hahn haunts the parking lot of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, Grey’s Anatomy

11. Eve and Villanelle’s stabbing decisions haunt them both, Killing Eve

10. Netflix’s The Perfection haunts anyone who watched it

9. The decision to download Lex during the pandemic haunts everyone who did it

8. All the time they wasted trying to kill each other haunts Root and Shaw, Person of Interest

7. Literal emotional trauma haunts Theo, The Haunting of Hill House

6. The now empty sex bench haunts Ashley Benson and Cara Delevingne

5. Rachel’s witch list haunts her every time I tweet it

4. Medusa :)

3. Sue Perkins’ adorable and terrible puns haunt the Great British Bake Off tent, Great British Bake Off

2. The declarations we made about our exes on this very website haunt us

1. Sarah Paulson haunts Sarah Paulson

35 Alison Roman Recipes Ranked In Order of Lesbianism

Author’s Note (5/9/20): I am constantly disappointed by white women I love, but usually said disappointment doesn’t occur within 24 hours of publishing a congratulatory ranking of their heterosexual recipes in order of lesbianism, granting them a tiny sliver of acceptance amongst our people. As I’m sure you’ve heard, Alison Roman has disappointed me, and all of us, recently, with hateful comments about two Asian women and the way they’ve chosen to run their business, while also capitalizing off of Asian flavor combinations, but making them more palatable for white audiences. I’m upset, but not surprised.

If you’ve gone out and bought the ingredients to make these–keep them! Make the recipes! Don’t waste food, especially now. If you’re looking for somewhere else to be inspired, I get it. I highly suggest trying some recipes from Kristen Kish, former Top Chef winner, and very adorable queer person! Or Patricia Yeo’s Sesame Noodles! Or literally any of Reneice Charles’ recipes from Femme Brûlée! Or see what Kamala’s making in The Dyke Kitchen.

The thing about recipes is that they’re all just inspiration, and Alison Roman is just one person providing inspiration for you to get in the kitchen. Don’t feel bad if you liked her, and her shallot pasta got you excited to cook for the first time, or her weeknight chicken confit was the first time you roasted a chicken correctly. Be grateful that she inspired you, and take that inspiration onto new, more exciting, recipes from people who don’t say racist things! Happy cooking!

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If there were any curse to being a lesbian or a bisexual or a queer person or what have you, it’s that we sometimes develop crushes on girls. And sometimes, because, I don’t know if you knew this, but, some girls are straight. I know. It’s a lot. And I’m not here to yuck anyone’s yum, but honestly, heterosexuality? In this economy? Couldn’t be me. I digress. Sometimes, however, the straight girl on whom you have a crush does something that not only makes her even more hot and adorable, but is also useful! Like, Reese Witherspoon – she can act the hell out of a problematic white woman and she makes really gorgeous preppy clothes! Entertainment and sartorial guidance, I love it!

All this build up is because I need to admit something to you. Hi, my name is A___ and I have a crush on Alison Roman, a straight girl. Y’all she’s dreamy! And the dreamiest things about her are that she’s an amazing chef and recipe developer. And in these trying times (do I sound like a Kia commercial?) we can count on food to sustain us, physically, and emotionally. It’s only right that as a pandemic caused an international hunkering-down, all of a sudden, lesbians and queers began hashtagging their food #dykes4roman (its history is fuzzy, but it seems the hashtag was inspired by a tweet about lesbians cooking Roman’s shallot pasta by writer Kayla, to which Community Editor Vanessa replied, #dykes4roman). Her recipes rely on pantry staples, fresh herbs, long lasting produce, and satisfy vegetarians, vegans, and meat eating dykes alike. It was like we’d been hoping for a savior and she’d been there all along, writing for food magazines, slowly growing out her roots, waiting for us to fall in love. And fall in love we did.

I figured, since you’re home and I’m home and you’re probably cooking and you’ve maybe seen #dykes4roman floating around on your social media, you might be wondering, “If I wanted to make an Alison Roman recipe, and have it be the most lesbian one, which one would I make???” Well babe, I’ve done the hard research for you, and out of her extensive oeuvre, I’ve gathered 35 dishes I think you’d enjoy making ranked in order of lesbianism.

If I know the readership, you are all about to go scroll to number one and comment, “I can’t believe that shallot pasta isn’t number one!!!!!!!” and I will risk spoiling that to tell you why. For a while, a lot of what Alison Roman was writing was for publications that were accessible without a paywall. In addition to writing her own cookbooks, lately she’s written more for an unnamed publication that puts its recipes behind a paywall. And to paraphrase Tabitha Brown, that’s their business. But lesbianism is about collectivity and as a collective we say no to paywalls! Therefore, I haven’t included any recipes from the unnamed publication, but have included videos of her preparing those recipes throughout as delightful interludes. Now you can still go to the comments and yell at me if you want, but I said what I said and I stand by it!

And now, without comment: 35 Alison Roman recipes ranked in order of lesbianism.

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35. Man Buns

This feels very self explanatory.

34. Bachelor Jam

The term bachelor feels incredibly hetero but there’s no laws saying we can’t be bachelors.

33. Silver Dollar Latkes

Lesbians know that size matters and honestly why make a small latke when you could make a large latke?

32. Hard Cider Gravy

Why does gravy make me think of fathers even though I love it??? Excited to take that to therapy!

31. Brown Butter Fried Onion Rings

The brown butter intrigued me, which means they’re at least kinda lesbian.

30. Apricot Riesling Jam

Canning and jam making is basically a gay sport, but Riesling feels like the wine of young straight professionals who do SoulCycle. So I mean, full of lesbian energy, nonetheless.

29. Crispy Apple-Oat Fritters

Apple fritters were like my hometown delicacy and my hometown is not lesbian (outside of producing me), but the oats give these a big boost.

28. Flaky Bread

Especially in this historical moment, bread making in all its forms is very gay.

27. Salt-Baked Salmon with Citrus and Herbs

Cooking a whole fish in an extra complicated but beautifully presentational way? Yeah that’s gay.

26. Grilled Sweet Onion and Butter Sandwich

On the other hand, an overly simple yet delicious snack/meal is also really gay.

25. Chicken-Leg Confit with Potatoes and Escarole

French cooking techniques are lesbian.

24. Carrot Tart with Ricotta and Herbs

Lesbians love brunch and a tart screams brunch.

23. Barley, Fennel, and Beet Salad

Vegetarian meals that also feel like they could’ve been foraged? That’s queer.

22. Steamed Artichokes with Garlic Butter

I feel like artichokes are controversial, like a lot of things lesbians are into.

21. Cornbread with Caramelized Apples and Onions

Every gay dinner party I’ve gone to has pizzazzed up something basic but delicious like cornbread and I respect that.

20. Radishes with Burrata

The lesbian who inspired me to make this recipe list loves burrata.

19. Vegetable Stock

Whomst amongst us doesn’t love a good vegetable stock? It’s the chicken stock of our people.

18. Crushed, Buttered Potatoes with Fried Parsley

This is so extra and barely a recipe and I love that about it, and therefore, it’s lesbian.

17. Squash with Dates and Thyme

Queers love two things: dates and hearty herbs they can grow themselves.

16. Apple Jam

Not quite apple sauce, not quite baked apples. It’s like being nonbinary in apple form!

15. Aperol-Kombucha Cocktail

Kombucha. Need I say more?

14. Collard Green Salad with Cashews and Lime

For my southern dykes.

13. Brined and Roasted Rosemary-Chile Almonds

We love to add a fun element to cheese boards.

12. Raspberry Rose Jam

Speaking of those cheese boards… a little fresh jam never hurt one.

11. Salted and Spiced Melon

Being sweet, salty, and spicy all at once is my favorite thing about the gays. Also, the fact that this is the accompanying picture???? Hot.

10. Spinach Honeydew Cooler

We love spinach in things that don’t need spinach. I don’t know why, we just do.

9. Yogurt Chia Pudding

Some vegetarian femme has absolutely made this for a quick breakfast for a cutie before kicking them out after a one night stand.

8. Herbed Feta Dip

Is it weird that this is so high on the list because a lesbian introduced me to feta cheese?

7. Strawberry Vinegar

Taking something, making it worse, but actually making it better is queer culture.

6. Lemon-Chile Green Bean Pickles

Trans women love pickles.

5. Spaghetti with Tomatoes and Anchovy Butter

Did you say anchovies? The tinned fish that has been on the quarantine grocery list of 78% of lesbians I know?

4. Black and White Sesame Seed Cookies

These cookies said BISEXUAL RIGHTS!!!!

3. Ombre Rainbow Cookies

Rainbows. Get it? Rainbows?

2. Blackened Leeks with Asparagus and Boiled Eggs

Leeks are thrifty (gay), asparagus is delicious and tall (gay), and soft eggs???? Very sapphic.

1. Linguine and Clams with Almonds and Herbs

Because I don’t know if you know this, but clam pasta, for every meal is the most lesbian thing you could do.

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Well gays and girls, as they say, bone apple teeth! Hope you also got a crush on Alison Roman, or at least found a new recipe to try out!

25 Gay Hats, Ranked

Recently someone said to me that they’d know I was gay even if they didn’t know me because they’ve never seen my head without a hat on it. It’s true that I do wear a lot of hats! And, in general, that gays wear a lot of hats! In fact, recently, Valerie Anne and I casually started making a list of gay TV characters and real life humans looking even gayer in hats. And now I have ranked them, by gayness. I eagerly await your own contributions in the comments.

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25. Shane McCutcheon’s Willy Wonka hat, The L Word

24. Beanie Feldman’s valedictorian graduation cap, Booksmart

23. Callie Torres’ surgeon cap, Grey’s Anatomy

22. Marceline the Vampire Queen’s goth sun hat, Adventure Time

21. Therese Belivet’s Santa hat, Carol

20. Blake Lively’s life-destroying rain fedora, A Simple Favor

19. Nicole Haught’s Christmas cracker hat (plus cat sweater), Wynonna Earp

18. Betty McRae’s Rosie the Riveter cap, Bomb Girls

17. Santana Lopez’s Daniel Boone cap, Glee

16. Paige McCullers’ cowboy hat, Pretty Little Liars

15. Kiersey Clemons’ bike helmet, Hearts Beat Loud

14. Willow Rosenberg’s complete and total commitment to hats, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

13. Arizona Robbins’ backwards baseball cap, Grey’s Anatomy

12. Janelle Monáe’s Met Gala hats on hats on hats

https://www.instagram.com/p/BxSa8NsA0kR/

11. Brittany’s unicorn horn, Glee

10. Villanelle’s girlfriend stalker cap, Killing Eve

9. Batwoman’s softball cap, DC’s Bombshells

8. Rachel Weisz’s tricorn hat, The Favourite

7. Amanita Caplan’s Dykes on Bikes hat, Sense 8

6. Stephanie Beatriz’s Don’t Tell Me to Smile hat

https://www.instagram.com/p/BgkKcmQHmTN/

5. Ellen Page’s ball cap stuck to her head like a Lego, Tales of the City

4. Megan Rapinoe’s beanie

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A post shared by Megan Rapinoe 🏳️‍🌈 (@mrapinoe)

3. Root and Shaw’s motorcycle helmets, Person of Interest

2. Lena Waithe’s entire collection of snapbacks

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A post shared by Lena Waithe (@lenawaithe)

1. Anne Lister’s top hat, Gentleman Jack

Every Major Female “Star Trek” Character, Ranked By Lesbianism

Here’s the thing about the future: the way things are going currently, I think it’s safe to question why heterosexual women would still be the majority in 2334. And yet! As I learned in a Women in Literature course nearly two decades ago, fan-fic was invented by Trekkies longing to see Kirk and Spock boldly go where they only subtextually went onscreen, and until literally three years ago, the franchise has remained mostly content to keep its characters straight on their streets and queer in our sheets. Star Trek‘s persistent refusal to offer sufficient LGBTQ representation, despite encouragement from cast members, has been a point of contention for decades. Our 2010 piece about it — “Gay Me Up, Scotty: How Star Trek Failed To Boldly Go There” — is one of several Autostraddle pieces that frequently pop up on college syllabi.

Luckily, we all have very active imaginations and also, just for the record, as a child I attended a Star Trek Convention in the aptly named Romulus, Michigan. Thus, it eventually came time for us to turn our keen minds towards an important project: ranking every Star Trek character by lesbianism. (A practice we engage in frequently, for example this ranking of Law and Order characters.)

The lesbian rankings contained herein are based on highly subjective criteria you will undoubtedly disagree with. It includes opinions from esteemed sources like your pal and mine Sally, who has seen all the Star Treks, as well as Autostraddle writers Al(aina), Kayla, and Senior Editor Carmen, the only three Autostraddle team members who wanted to join my Star Trek Slack Channel.

Also by the way the Bajorans are the most lesbianish species overall (the earwear alone, I mean!) and everyone is queerer in the mirrorverse. Don’t @ me. But do comment!

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55. Navigator Ilia (Persis Khambatta), “Star Trek: The Motion Picture”

Due to the Deltan pheromones that trigger “hormonal responses in most humanoid life forms of the opposite sex,” Ilia had to take a vow of celibacy in order to be permitted to work amongst human men. A more logical solution would be to avoid human men altogether, any lesbian could tell you that!!!

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54. Helmsman Valeris (Kim Cattrall), “Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country”

No thank you.

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53. Seska (Martha Hackett), Voyager

no

thank

you

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52. Alynna Nechayev (Natalija Nogulich), The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine

Kayla: daddy vibes but not super gay vibes sorry 2 say. she’s so by-the-book.

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51. Anjj (Donna Murphy), “Star Trek: Insurrection”

Overcomes everything she knows to be true about the world in order to fall in love with a man. Heterosexual bangs.

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50. Kes (Jennifer Lien), Voyager

Sally: What little personality she did have was subsumed by her relationship with the incredibly annoying Neelix.

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49. Dr Katherine Pulaski (Diana Muldaur), The Next Generation

Refused to acknowledge Data’s preferred personhood and mispronounced his name intentionally to convey her disrespect. So, definitely straight.

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48. Nurse Christine Chapel (Majel Barrett), The Original Series, Star Trek I – VI

Sally remembers that she “can’t remember what she did other than crush on Spock.” However, Kayla asks: “Is there something slightly gay about pining after Spock since he is quite literally emotionally unavailable? Like the way I pretended to have crushes on unavailable boys in high school?” Valid inquiry.

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47. Janice Rand (Grace Lee Whitney), The Original Series, “Star Trek: The Motion Picture,” “Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country”

Truly committed to the heterosexual bit for decades. Slight Mom energy, Zero Mommi Energy.

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46. Tora Ziyal (Melanie Smith), Deep Space Nine

She’s like the straight sister of one of your lesbian friends who everybody is like, “is she gay yet?” and her lesbian sister is like “not yet!”

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45. Winn Adami (Louise Fletcher), Deep Space Nine

Super evil but not the sexy low-key kind of evil your ex-girlfriend was. More like the kind of evil embodied by a librarian who won’t stock Heather Has Two Mommies.

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44. Chief Engineer B’Elanna Torres (Roxann Dawson), Voyager

It is true that she was, as Sally put it, “relentlessly and regretfully (to me) heterosexual with Lt. Paris, a human charm vacuum.” However, as Sally also put it, she “had a lot of angry feminist vibes going on.”

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43. Nurse Alyssa Ogawa (Patti Yasutake), The Next Generation, “Star Trek Generations,” “Star Trek First Contact”

Is described as “a bit conservative in her personal life.” Haircut got less gay rather than more gay over time. When Crusher saw her boyfriend with another woman, Alyssa was concerned rather than relieved.

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42. First Officer / Science Officer T’Pol (Jolene Blalock), Enterprise

Sally: Repeatedly stripped off in the decontamination chamber, which I sense was only tangentially for my benefit.

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41. Starfleet Vice Admiral Katrina Cornwell (Jayne Brook), Discovery

Is a therapist.

Kayla: is a bisexual psychiatrist called a bichiatrist
she sleeps with her ex and then tries to psychoanalyze their trauma…….
BICHIATRIST

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40. Kasidy Yates-Sisko (Penny Johnson Jerald), Deep Space Nine

“In my head she merged with her other role as the evil wife of the President in 24,” remarked Sally. “So I was always highly suspicious of her.”

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39. Lieutenant Uhura (Nichelle Nichols), The Original Series, first six Star Trek films

Point / Counterpoint:

Al(aina): very heterosexual. her first lines in the series are like “spock why won’t you tell me i’m pretty!!!!”
Carmen: Ok so while I technically see Al’s point here, I am still going to offer a rebuttal: Lt. Uhura is fundamental to everything about my black nerd femme identity. EVERYTHING.
And I have a Lt. Uhura journal and action figure to highlight this point.
AND without Nichelle Nichols in this role, there wouldn’t have been women in central speaking parts in command. So in many ways she’s the foremother of a lot of the other women on this list, which I feel is important re: legacy of women we’re ranking by gay.

DISCUSS.

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38. Ensign Demora Sulu (Jacqueline Kim), “Star Trek Generations”

Had minimal screen time/development. Daddy’s girl.

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37. Lursa & Be’Etor, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine and “Star Trek: Generations”

Tried to seduce Picard by offering him excessive amounts of hot tea. Also therefore:

Al(aina): ok, hear me out: i think these two are def gay sisters who sleep with men in the same way that aileen wuornos slept with men. like, to get money from them and also possibly to kill them.

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36. Cadet Sylvia Tilly (Mary Wiseman), Discovery

Tilly might be the straight girl who seemed gay as a kid just ’cause she had so many ideas for sleepover games but like… she actually meant it when she said she had a crush on that boy you were just pretending to have a crush on. And listen: nobody is more annoyed than she is about being straight. All her friends are gay!

Alternately, Sally has pointed out that she has allergies, which is gay. Furthermore, that infection/haunting via her former “friend” May in Season Two is wildly lesbian. When her ex/”friend,” in the form of a viral blob, is eating her arm, and she’s like, “I’m so tired,” I was like, GIRL, SAME.

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35. Ishka (Cecily Adams), Deep Space Nine

Couldn’t live her truth until her husband died, which means she’s a late-in-life lesbian. Feminist renegade who attempted to circumvent the misogynist Ferengi economy for personal gain.

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34. Leeta (Chase Masterson), Deep Space Nine

She is a Bajoran, the most lesbianish species of Star Trek, and also was basically a sex worker, one of the the most queerish professions of the modern era (right up there with “social worker” and “starfleet officer”) AND she ORGANIZED A G-DDAMN UNION. Despite all of that… does not attempt to seduce Arandis or any other women while celebrating her conscious uncoupling from Doctor Bashir on a pleasure planet?

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33. Lily Sloane (Alfre Woodard), “Star Trek: First Contact”

Began her story building a time machine in a rural Montana silo. Described as “outspoken and a little high-strung” (gay) and credited with being “the first to recognize Captain Picard’s emotional demons.” (Do note that although lesbians are very good at recognizing the emotional demons of others, we are also uniquely adept at disassociating from our own.)

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32. Caithlin Dar (Cynthia Gouw), “Star Trek V: The Final Frontier”

Hairstyle doubles as a dildo. Is always dressed for a tightly themed queer dance party. Was manipulated into joining a weird religious cult.

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31. Female Changeling (Salome Jens), Deep Space Nine

Sally: Possibly the most bizarre thing in all Star Trek is that when they had the ultimate chance to have completely agender lifeforms who can shapeshift into anything, they either had them as a writhing pile of goo, or really bad play-dough people. The Female Changeling had it in really bad for the “solids” who she thought were stupid and inferior, which is kind of how I feel about men, so I’m charitably viewing her as a kind of non-binary man-hating lesbian separatist.

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30. Counselor Ezri Dax (Nicole de Boer), Deep Space Nine

Joined Starfleet to get away from her family. According to @somekindoferika on twitter, has “big trans energy.”

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29. Special Emissary K’Ehleyr (Susie Plakson), The Next Generation

Was fridged to motivate a male character. She once noted, regarding her half-human half-Klingon genetics, “my Klingon side can be terrifying, even to me,” which is clearly a symbolic nod to her bisexuality and her subsequent terror of either: a) Men, b) Women.

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28. Martia (Ilman), “Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country”

Envisioned as a “swashbuckling female space pirate.” Was killed by a famous cis white man.

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27. Botanist Keiko O’Brien (Rosalind Chao), The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine

Fanboys hate her. She loves plants.

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26. Officer Joann Owosekun (Oyin Oladejo), Discovery

When locked in a basement in New Eden with Michael and Pike, stripped of all their fancy technology, she employs her Luddite background expertly, managing to free them all by manipulating the door’s sliding bolt. Her haircut is gay enough to stand out on a bridge riddled with gay haircuts.

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25. Biologist Dr. Gillian Taylor (Catherine Hicks), “Star Trek IV: The Journey Home”

Obsessed with whales. Says she’s down to time-hop with Kirk and Spock because “I’ve got nobody but those whales.” Has no interest in keeping in touch with Kirk because she would rather do science. In the fictional bibliography of “Star Trek: Federation – The First 150 Years,” she is cited as the author of “Whales Weep Not: My 300-Year Voyage Home with George and Gracie.” Ahem.

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24. The Actual Whales from “Star Trek IV: The Journey Home”

Sally: Two whales involved in saving future earth from some pseudo-ecological disaster using whalesong definitely sounds like the kind of plot dreamt up by a teenage lesbian.

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23. Commander-in-Training Saavik (Kristie Alley), Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Kayla: A [half] vulcan who still CRIES? bitch, that’s a lesbian.

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22. Molecular Biologist Carol Marcus (Bibi Besch), “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan”

After having Kirk’s child, declared a lack of interest in spending any additional time with Kirk or having him involved in his son’s life, preferring instead to focus on her truest love: her work.

Kayla: WE STAN A GAY SINGLE MOM
Kayla: SCIENCE MOMMI

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21. Season One Wesley Crusher (Wil Wheaton), The Next Generation

For:

• Looks like a lesbian
• Precocious
• Thinks he can do everybody else’s job better than they can
• Wears a cute striped mock turtleneck and leggings all the time
• When he saves the day, fans were annoyed rather than impressed
• Teaches a group of small children how to do passive resistance as an activist technique in order to escape their captors
• As a child when TNG originally aired, I had a crush on him
• My crush blinded me to the fact that he was a nearly universally disliked character
• Dammit was I Wesley
• Ugh I hate myself

Against:

• Stopped looking/acting like a lesbian circa Season Two
• Was a teenage boy

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20. Seven of Nine (Jeri Ryan), Voyager

In 1997, GLAAD reported that ex-borg drone Seven of Nine would “experiment with her sexuality along the way to understanding her humanity, including looking into same-sex relations” but apparently unnamed “opposition” got in the way, as it has literally every single time this franchise ever promised queer representation until 2016. But what we got instead was a troubled hottie constantly haunted by trauma and suffering from near-constant severe PTSD involving raven-prominent flashbacks, which is peak lesbian.

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19. Arandis (Vanessa Williams), one episode of Deep Space Nine

Was nobody else still watching DS9 when Dax went on a romantic vacation with Worf — she wore a RAINBOW BATHING SUIT, he kept his uniform on and was in a very bad mood the whole time — and her old friend Arandis (who’d hooked up with one of Jadzia’s former hosts) followed her around all week hoping Dax would escape the misapplied Worf storyline for some Sweet Sapphic Scissoring? THIS WOMAN IS BISEXUAL, it’s a fact.

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18. Communications Officer Hoshi Sato (Linda Park), Enterprise

An ACTUAL linguist with poor social skills who spent most of her childhood alone, learning alien languages.

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17 [TIE]. Doctor Beverly Crusher (Gates McFadden), The Next Generation

Tied with Troi because without Troi, is she truly lesbian? Are they girlfriends… or do they just make extended eye contact in skin-tight boobs-out get-ups while engaging in elaborate ritual stretching contests?

[excerpt from a private chat]

Kayla: “TNG is the gayest of them all. The G stands for gay.”
Me: “yeah TNG is like Mommis in space.”
Kayla: “Dr. Beverly Crusher MD has got to be my #1.
I want her to top me in space.
“DIAGNOSE ME, MOMMI”

[…one month later in our star trek slack channel…]

Kayla: crush ME, doctor beverly crusher md!!!!!!
Kayla: she is so gay and i do not just say that because i want her to spit in my mouth
Kayla: she essentially had sex with anaphasic energy that was contained in a CURSED CANDLE which is um, gay
Carmen: Doctor Beverly Crusher is everything!!! Mommi for dayyyyys. Bless.
Al(aina): i want to lay my life down for her. she could walk on me. i dont feel that way about straight women

17 [TIE]. Lieutenant Commander Deanna Troi (Marina Sirtis), The Next Generation

A tough call. As aforementioned, highly dependent on the woman tied for this spot, Dr. Beverly Crusher, who either is or is not Troi’s girlfriend. Troi did fall for Riker, the Galaxy’s Most Alpha Male. But; her empathy scores are off the charts and in Yar’s post-death hologram dirge, she said Troi made her realize she could “be feminine without losing anything,” which let’s be honest probably happened in her private quarters. Also, remember when Troi pointed out that “Tasha is very physically attractive”? I’ll never forget.

Kayla: i think she has maybe never been with a woman but is having confusing feelings about her best friend Dr. Beverly Crusher
Kayla: so maybe like a baby bi
Carmen: OH I SEE WE ARE BRINGING OUT ALL MY CHILDHOOD CRUSHES OK THEN
Al(aina): she also seems high as fuck all the time, gives me big bisexual vibes

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16. Vulcan High Priestess T’Lar (Dame Judith Anderson), “Star Trek III: The Search for Spock”

A spiritual leader who wears turtleneck hooded robes and can officiate weddings and deliver children? GAY.

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15. Lieutenant Keyla Detmer (Emily Coutts), Discovery

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14. Ishara Yar (Beth Toussaint), The Next Generation

This evaluation is based solely upon her physical appearance, which leaves about as much room to be straight as there is to fit another task onto my to-do list. Also, her sister is gay.

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13. Jayla (Sofia Boutella), “Star Trek: Beyond”

Excuse me but: after traumatically losing her entire family, Jaylah lived alone on a hidden abandoned spaceship, listening to hip-hop, learning martial arts, making her own weapons and doing home repairs.

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12. Lwaxana Troi (Majel Barrett), The Next Generation & Deep Space Nine

Lwaxana reads to me like an overbearing Jewish mother who, like my own overbearing Jewish mother, is probably gay. Al called her “the Phyllis Kroll of Star Trek” and Sally, also recalling a queer woman over 50 from The L Word, said Lwaxana is “clearly the Peggy Peabody/Guggenheim of the franchise who, despite constantly being on the hunt for a husband, you know had that one lesbian fling in the summer of Stardate 80363.79. Enough Mommi vibes to power a warp drive.”

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11. Michael Burnham (Sonequa Martin-Green), Discovery

On the one hand, Michael pings like the original Enterprise’s duotronic sensor array. On the other hand, Michael pings like a sweeping infa-red laser scanning local space. Bring those two hands together and we have a lesbian. “I remember the first five minutes of Discovery when it was just Michael and Philippa trekking round a desert with a whole female mentor/mentee vibe, and I thought if they just did that for twenty-four episodes it would be the greatest sci-fi ever,” recalled Sally. “Sadly this did not happen, and we didn’t just have to see her un-repress her Vulcan feelings for Ash once, but millions of times in one episode!” Alternately:

Al(aina): Phillipa Georgiou’s bottom. So lost without her top she fell in love with a Kllingon.
Carmen: Yet another star trek gay asymmetrical haircut has made itself known.

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10. Conn Officer Ro Laren (Michelle Forbes), The Next Generation

“I liked Ensign Ro because she was tough and challenged all the pansy moralistic men in TNG, whilst having engagingly pointy eyebrows,” wrote Sally. “I believe she was meant to be a main character on DS9, which fell through and Kira kind of filled that role, so I was really happy when she graduated to be the evil lesbian admiral in Battlestar Galactica.”

Kayla: TORTURED GAY
Kayla: ok she and Guinan definitely fucked in her titular episode from season 5
Kayla: i have visual aids:

Which brings me to….

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9. Guinan (Whoopi Goldberg), The Next Generation, “Star Trek: Generations,” “Star Trek: Nemesis”

When Wikipedia describes you as “an alien who is several hundred years old and is noted for her folk wisdom,” YOU GAY.  (Sidenote: during the taping of “The Offspring,” Whoopi refused to have Guinan teach her adopted child about love as a heterosexual concept, rejecting the script about a man and a woman falling in love in favor of “when two people are in love” because “this show is beyond that.”)

Kayla: gay empath alert
Carmen: guinan is that tarot card reading, astrology birth chart, “I can’t date you if you’re a libra” or whatever kind of gay.
we all know her, we’ve all dated her, we all have one of her in our friendship circle (maybe we even are her)
Al(aina): yes to all of this.

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8. Borg Queen (Alice Krige), Voyager and “Star Trek: First Contact”

Sally: The original Cybermommi. Gay obsession with Seven of Nine. As the Borg were all one collective, that must mean that assimilating just one lesbian makes every Borg a lesbian, ergo they were just one giant lesbian commune floating in space.

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7. Captain Kathryn Janeway (Kate Mulgrew), Voyager

The first female Starfleet Commanding Officer in the Star Trek universe is a bit of a lesbian gimme. Plus she has lesbian voice and a lesbian gait and a hearty portion of lesbian tension with other women aboard her good ship. However, Sally didn’t get gay vibes until “Macrocosm,” “when she strips off and goes all Ripley against some alien bugs with a giant rifle. Which is pretty gay really.”

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6. First Officer / Commanding Officer Kira Nerys (Nana Visitor), Deep Space Nine

“Remember when her boyfriend the Bajoran priest died in some horrific manner, and she was just like Can’t grieve now, got work to do?,” Sally wistfully recalled. “I feel like she lived out the fantasy of all gay women who are afraid of compulsory heterosexuality and dream of getting married to a dude who dies on their wedding night.” Furthermore, “Mirrorverse Kira checking out regular Kira is the gayest moment in all Star Trek.”

Riese: In Kira’s first scene in DS9 she yells at Sisko about (not in these words but) colonization and indigenous people’s right to self determination and hating the government after telling him that he probably won’t like her because she has strong opinions.
Kayla: wowowowowowow me in high school.
[…]
Riese: She just told Sisko that she’s the only one on the ship willing to do manual labor and ‘get her hands dirty.’
Now she’s interrupting a staff meeting to register complaints about their asylum policy
Kayla: 🧐

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5. Chief Science Officer Jadzia Dax (Terry Farrell), Deep Space Nine

Dax is willing to break the most embedded and valued rules of her people, the Trills, to spend the rest of her life with the woman one of her previous hosts had been married to. Even though her character was basically gender-fluid and the whole situation seemed orchestrated to ensure we knew her attraction to her ex was not a lesbian situation but just a carryover from a heterosexual situation, she’s the closest thing we had to queer-lady cannon before (hopefully?!) Discovery — and when it happened, the kiss she shared with Lenara Kahn was the most intense girl-on-girl kiss ever aired on network television. YOU COULD SEE SALIVA.

Also, got killed, the gayest move of all.

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4. Philippa Georgiou (Michelle Yeoh), Discovery

“Probably I should be angry that the only bisexuals on Star Trek are always evil people from alternate universes?” Sally mused. “Sadly I don’t care, and Michelle Yeoh is hot.”

Al(aina): the toppiest femme top
Kayla: this
Carmen: She also had sex with a woman on screen (well they’re shown post-sex on screen?) in a threesome, so I think that makes her pretty heckin’ gay.
Kayla: a telescope as a prized possession is gay i don’t make the RULES

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3. Jet Reno (Tig Notaro), Discovery

Al(aina): she gay
Kayla: lol i mean

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2. The lesbian couple in the background of one scene in the Star Trek Discovery episode “Magic to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad”

Ladies, gentlemen and J’naiis: WE WILL TAKE WHAT WE CAN GET.

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1. Chief of Security Tasha Yar (Denise Crosby) , The Next Generation

In addition to sporting THE LATE 80S/EARLY 90S LESBIAN HAIRCUT™, Yar only lasted one season ’cause Denise Crosby chose to leave the show ’cause the structural gender inequality imposed by the writing team meant her character was woefully underdeveloped and therefore insufficiently challenging to her as an actress. Instead, Crosby went on to produce a series of documentaries about Star Trek fandom. But, the most lesbian action of all:

Al(aina): so GAAAAAAAAAAAAY they even killed her

55 Fictional Witches, Ranked by Lesbianism

As Halloween approaches, a young woman’s fancy turns towards thoughts of spooky things, and also spooky women. Like witches! We can agree that all vampires are bisexual, but are all witches as gay as Willow and Tara led us to hope? We present one theoretical exploration of fictional witches ranked by lesbianism for you to enjoy disagreeing with both in substance and in terms of who was and was not included. Thank you to Carmen, who has watched the few shows featuring witches that I have not and was helpful enough to weigh in!

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55. Vanessa Ives, Penny Dreadful

Upsettingly, honestly offensively not gay! Had several opportunities to be gay with Mina and squandered them. Managed to find a way to fuck her best friend’s man without any gay subtextual undertones, which should be and I think maybe actually is illegal.

54. Constance Clootie/the Stone Witch, Wynnona Earp

VERY focused on her son, engaging in harmful intracommunity practices against other women in order to uplift and reify the social position of a dangerous man! Not a lesbian.

53. Sabrina the Teenage Witch

Sabrina (as played by Melissa Joan Hart) embodies the same kind of seamless, chipper heterosexuality as Buffy Summers does outside of her interactions with Faith. The new Sabrina reboot offers new possibilities, though! Let’s hope.

52. Zoe Benson, AHS Coven

Mmm no.

51. Bonnie, The Craft

Bonnie is the straightest of the girls in The Craft, unfortunately, as demonstrated by how consistently I forget about her presence in this movie.

50. Samantha, Bewitched

:( No.

49. White Witch, the Chronicles of Narnia

Problematic! Not ecologically conscious, uses magic to wipe out entire world and also cast eternal winter. Not community-oriented. Not a lesbian.

48. Sarah, The Craft

Sarah has very straight vibes, but practicing witchcraft to make friends with some goth girls you think are cool is a solid nod to gay culture.

47. Zelda Spellman, Sabrina the Teenage Witch

Zelda is not a lesbian but does like lesbian porn, like in a respectful way.

46. Broom-Hilda

Broom-Hilda is a “man-crazy, cigar-smoking, beer-guzzling, 1,500-year-old witch and her motley crew of friends.” Fun! Broom-Hilda is the friend who’s fun and interesting and usually shows up at the queer dance party and never shaves, but then once in a while she’ll say something just — very straight! And you remember that she’s straight, because she is. Go with God, Broom-hilda.

45. Amy Madison, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Amy’s actions with Willow in later seasons of Buffy do not indicate that she has chosen to center women in her life!! Amy is not a lesbian.

44. The evil witches in Penny Dreadful

Hm. Don’t like these girls. Not a good vibe from them. They are not gonna spot you a dollar when you are one short for the cash cover at the combo dance party/bail bond fundraiser.

43. Alice, The Magicians

Technically the women of The Magicians shouldn’t really count here because they’re magicians, not witches, but then this inconsistently adjusted list of the Magicians characters as ranked by whether I would sleep with them that I’ve kept in my Notes app since March would really have come to nothing, so. Anyways, Alice is so fucking straight but has also definitely has sex dreams about Margot.

42. Hermione, Harry Potter

Potentially hot take but Hermione is such a rule-follower! As depicted in both the books and the movies, she feels so straight! Argue with me!

41. Rochelle, The Craft

Rochelle feels pretty straight but her fictional character gets a boost from the fact that real-life Rachel True now reads tarot at this hip boutique occult shop in LA. You can book a reading with her! Hail Manon.

40. Morgan le Fey, Arthurian folklore and various media interpretations

Most depictions of Morgan le Fey have her in some very strong outfits, and indicate that she is hated and feared by men, which are positive, if vague, indicators of lesbianism. Could also just be indicators of being a powerful witch trying to usurp her brother’s prophesied throne though! Tough call here.

39. Fiona Goode, AHS Coven

Jessica Lange’s extreme Mommi vibes supercede her actual sexual orientation.

38. Madison Montgomery, AHS Coven

Straight with occasional flashes of gay potential, in the same way that a broken clock is still right twice a day.

37. Grandmama, the Addams Family

A “disrespectful old hag” with frizzy hair and a shawl, enjoys knife throwing a “foolishly good-natured … a weak character [who] is easily led.” Same!!

36. Wicked Witch of the West

Her commitment to witch traditionalism — green skin, hat, broom, all black — feels very earnest in a lesbian way, like how much we like canning and being honest about our feelings. She was doing her best, you know?

35. Circe, The Odyssey

Circe lived on an island alone for centuries and turned a lot of men into animals because they were annoying.

34. Piper Halliwell, Charmed

“I’d probably rank Piper as the least gay of the three, not just because she gets straight married and has a baby (queer people can do those things too), but I’d say her vibe is very… middle of the road? I love her! And she’s the tree that holds the family together. But, even though I think all witches are gay, I don’t think Piper has awoken her inner Sappho just yet.” — Carmen

33. Wanda Maximoff, Marvel Cinematic Universe

Burgundy leather is a very gay look, as is the fact that the only guy she can be with is the one made out of computers and outer space has a strong sense about it of extraordinarily high standards for men as a signifier of lesbianism.

32. Baba Yaga, General Eastern European Folklore

A “deformed and/or ferocious-looking woman” who lives alone in a hut in the woods? Isn’t that the dream!

31. Hilda Spellman, Sabrina the Teenage Witch

Hilda has the energy of someone that you can have a perfectly friendly relationship with for 10+ years before finding out in a casual reveal that she has lived with her longterm partner Candace the entire time, they foster dogs, they have an active and vibrant social life that you’ve never really been invited to because Hilda barely even thinks of you as a friend from work.

30. Wicked Witch of the East, Wizard of Oz

Dies immediately in The Wizard of Oz, which is something that would happen to a lesbian.

29. Mary Sibley, Salem

Mary is gay but in a very career-focused way; she knows that the most advanced level of witchery is being a power lesbian witch, but I’m not sure her heart is really in it.

28. Sophie Hatter, Howl’s Moving Castle

Embodies a sort of can-do attitude that feels commendably not-straight.

27. Minerva McGonagall, Harry Potter

I’m sorry but no one that competent can be straight!

26. Endora, Bewitched

Once I saw Heather Hogan stop a man who had been calling her “doll” in his tracks by asking him “What’s your name, buddy?” and that’s the same energy as Endora refusing to remember Darrin’s name correctly.

25. Bellatrix, Harry Potter

Very bitter, the weird sister and cousin, entered into a seemingly obligate marriage to fulfill family duties. Good hair. Just saying!

24. Zelena Mills, Once Upon a Time

“Zelena Mills is the only main character on the show who isn’t given a long term love interest (gay), she’s an infamous fan of dramatic entrances and exits (gay), she also rolls her eyes at public displays of straight affection (gay), and all of the land of Oz is obviously gay anyway. So case closed.” — Carmen

23. Julia, The Magicians

Julia likes girls but also likes sending you eight-paragraph text messages at 3 am about how she’s too emotionally damaged to be in a relationship but she really loves you but also you find out via instagram stories a week later that she definitely got back together with her skater ex-boyfriend.

22. The Bene Gesserit, Dune

For people whose ideology revolves around a male super-being, the Bene Gesserit really seem to hate men, which makes sense when you consider that they’re basically independently organized space nuns with psychic sex powers. We all know at least one lesbian who’s very into breath work and who “has full control over each muscle in her body through training known as prana-bindu,” and who won’t fucking shut up about it in Facebook statuses.

21. Cordelia Foxx, AHS Coven

Look at this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azDlQDfGkio

20. Myrtle Snow, AHS Coven

Are you KIDDING me. Myrtle Snow is a lesbian and her hair, separately, also identifies as a lesbian.

19. Glinda the Good Witch of the South, Wizard of Oz

High femme who gets really into Folsom every year, her girlfriend is a blacksmith.

18. Gillian and Sally Owens, Practical Magic

Despite the aggressively heterosexual literal storyline of Practical Magic, the Goodbye Earl Principle holds that any arc that involves killing a man out of protection and/or revenge for his abuse is spiritually gay.

17. Prue Halliwell, Charmed

“She’s the medium gay of the sisters because she’s played by Shannen Doherty who has always felt like we lived in a topsy-turvy world where Bette Porter and Jenny Schecter raised a baby with Dawn Denbo, if you asked me. (which is to say, she’s a destructive and bitchy gay that I wouldn’t want to be friends with irl)” — Carmen

16. Paige Matthews, Charmed

“She was the same as Shannen Doherty, but gayer. Prue Gay.0.” — Carmen

15. Margot, The Magicians

Margot has some intense Santana Lopez bitchy queen bee lesbian vibes and would absolutely ruin your life.

14. Regina Mills, Once Upon a Time

“Most fans headcanon Regina Mills as bisexual, which is just the plain truth. She’s a hard femme bi femme all day.” — Carmen

13. Phoebe Halliwell, Charmed

“Definitely the gayest of the three is Phoebe. Not just because of my aforementioned crush on Alyssa Milano, but also because she’s the youngest sister and wore a lot of Steve Madden platform boots and chokers. She’s definitely made out with a few girls while drunk.” —Carmen

12. Lily Rabe, AHS Coven

Lily Rabe’s obsession with Stevie Nicks, as indicated by “dressing like Stevie, talking like Stevie and only listening to Stevie/Fleetwood Mac” has been determined by Carmen to be “very homosexual behavior.”

11. Tituba, Salem

Her heart is definitely in it. Gay.

10. Nancy, The Craft

Nancy’s eyebrows, trauma history and whole situation are extremely not heterosexual, and vengefully sleeping with the guy your crush likes is a powerfully gay move, as is killing him.

9. The Three Witches, Macbeth

They just want to hang out in the woods and also ruin a man’s life in the most dramatic fashion possible.

8. Maleficent, Once Upon a Time

“Maleficent, played by Kristin Bauer van Straten (who’s also Pam in True Blood) is dapper daddy dyke and I love her for it. I believe that she and Regina used to sleep together when they ruled the Enchanted Forest as Dragon & Queen. Maleficent helped teach Regina dark magic and their entire dynamic is “Hot For Teacher.” There’s a scene where Maleficent LITERALLY asks Regina if she still remembers how to be a bad girl. While they are both wearing leather and taking shots. Anyway!”  — Carmen

7. Kady, The Magicians

Lol PLEASE if Kady isn’t even a little bit gay I’m throwing in the towel, what are we even doing here.

6. Tara Thornton, True Blood

“Tara is also a witch and my favorite bisexual. That’s canon-canon, not head canon.” — Carmen

5. Ursula

Aside from her character design being literally based on Divine, the idea of Ursula as a straight person strains credulity. She lives in a cave with eels! She doesn’t give a fuck! Her endgame is based on the misandrist suspicion that Prince Eric will be unable or unwilling to differentiate between two hot nonverbal girls who appear out of nowhere on the beach, and she is 100% correct.

4. The Cut-Wife, Penny Dreadful

Like a straight woman is going to live in the woods alone for fifty years, with that haircut, being shunned by the local townsfolk while simultaneously relied upon by them, provide abortions, learn to identify medicinal herbs and plants while hunting for her own food and drinking tea while dramatically casting ominous portents and eventually being locked in battle with her evil high femme nemesis? Ok.

3. Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Willow, the variously interpreted bisexual/sexually fluid/lesbian witch of our hearts and our souls, holds space to honor the seminal lesbian experiences of accessorizing very badly in middle school, having your first “boyfriend” be someone you only knew over the internet so you never had to actually interact with him, getting very into Wicca through Geocities websites and message boards, and also falling deeply in love with a woman and entering into a committed sexual and romantic relationship with her.

2. Tara, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Tara, God bless her and keep her, is canonically gay and also was murdered on TV and broke all of our hearts, which is an extremely lesbian thing to do.

1. Dark Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Dark Willow is everything Willow is — a lesbian witch — and also evil and slutty, which is incredibly hot and also makes her gayer. It’s like the baseline levels of gayness were refracted through a dark prism to become something indescribably more potent. As is the case sometimes with men making television about women, somehow completely by accident Joss Whedon stumbled onto something incandescently gay with Dark Willow, and however it happened I am grateful.

Every Disney Princess Ranked In Order Of Lesbianism

A well-known secret is that Disney Princesses, as a whole, are all pretty gay. Other than a few who are really dedicated to their man (I’m talking to you, Ariel, giving up your voice for a fuckboy), Disney princesses are all hard working badass women and girls, who, if not for the patriarchy would take over the world. That describes 70% of the lesbians I know. I did some investigative journalism and gathered all the official Disney Princesses, some unofficial Dinsey Princesses, princess-like characters from any Fox movies that Disney may have recently purchased, and just a few villains (who are only villains because of THE PATRIARCHY), and I’ve compiled them all in a list for you, which I will now present without commentary.

Please accept my offerings, and if you disagree, as the youth say, don’t @ me.

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27. Ariel—The Little Mermaid

26. Giselle—Enchanted

25. Snow White— Snow White

24. Attina, Alana, Adella, Acquata, Arista, Adrina (Ariel’s sisters)—The Little Mermaid

23. Rapunzel—Tangled

22. Anna—Frozen

21. Cinderella—Cinderella

20. Belle—Beauty and the Beast

19. Aurora—Sleeping Beauty

18. Princess Sofia—Sofia the First

17. Princess Elena—Elena of Avalor

16. Maleficent—Sleeping Beauty

15. General Leia—Star Wars

14. Shuri—Black Panther

13. Esmerelda—The Hunchback of Notre Dame

12. Tiana—The Princess and the Frog

11. Nala—The Lion King

10. Megara—Hercules

9. Jasmine—Aladdin

8. Pocahantas—Pocahontas

7. Empress Kida—Atlantis

6. Ursula—The Little Mermaid

5. Princess Anastasia—Anastasia

4. Princess Merida—Brave

3. Princess Elsa—Frozen

2. Chief Moana—Moana

1. Fa Mulan—Mulan

100 Jean Styles, Ranked By Lesbianism

As the years have steadily progressed into additional years and the earth has continued its tender trip around the sun, fashion retailers have gone absolutely bananas with naming the styles/cuts of blue jeans, the world’s most popular style of pants.

Recently, a former Autostraddle writer posted an instagram photo of what appears to be a shopping trip to The Gap, in which one photo depicts the “Sexy Boyfriend” jean and the next photo, the “Real Straight” jean. They captioned the photograph “ah yes, the two genders.” I mention this because it is a perfect encapsulation of the current situation in lower-body womenswear that I am attempting to spotlight today.

In order to test the relative lesbianism of about 100 jean styles, I copied down the names of 100 styles of jeans. Then I presented the name of each jean style to my team in our group Slack chat, soliciting their input/feedback. Alaina, Stef, Cameron, Molly, Jenna, Valerie and Rachel were happy to participate in this exercise.

However, before presenting the name, I made two small edits:

1. I removed the word “jean” from the item’s description
2. I changed “boyfriend” to “boifriend”

Nobody saw what the actual jeans looked like, only the names of the jeans. (Unless they did their own research) (STEF). Jeans were judged entirely and solely by their names. This is how that went.

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Ranked By Lesbianism: Jeans Edition

100. Women’s Wit & Wisdom Ab-Solution Ankle Skimmers

Riese: the first half is all drum circle and the second half is all soulcycle
Valerie: ab-solution hurts my feelings
Stef: yeah this is a yoga pose that hurts

99. Wedgie Fit In Kiss Off

Stef: come on
Valerie: nooooo
Molly: is that a fight
Cameron: helga pataki

98. Blend She Casual Dawn Straight

Stef: dawn from the babysitters club
Alaina: most dawns are pretty casual
Stef: smells like fresh laundry
Riese: it’s almost a sentence
like “Blend, she casual. Dawn? Straight.”

97. Swede Boifriend in Immerse

Stef: i’m taking “In immerse” to mean she’s just really overwhelmed
not quite in distress
Cameron: i didn’t know IKEA started making boyfriends
Stef: she just like, walked into an ikea and can’t believe how many different kinds of chairs they have
Cameron: that’s a very straightforward name for them
Valerie: i’d accept “in immerse” as a replacement for overwhelmed. “sorry i didn’t respond to your text yesterday, i was in immerse”
Riese: IKEA makes new boyfriends for all the girls who break up while they are in IKEA
Rachel: honestly that’s a way better idea than their furniture
Riese: Couldn’t decide on an ottoman? Go back to men.

96. Level 99 Sienna Boyfriend

Molly: omg i only have the level 98
Valerie: how do you get to level 100?!
Riese: level 99 is for when you can’t quite keep it 100
Cameron: I got stuck at level 87
Stef: i was thinking of like, a stage 5 clinger. a level 99 just will never leave you alone
your only chance is to take her to ikea

95. Beau Slouchy Skinny

Stef: you can never truly possess beau
even if you are a level 99

94. Uptown Kinda Gal Skinny

Stef: dakota fanning is that you
Valerie: caters to a million jerks
Stef: does the kinda refer to the uptown or the gal or the skinny
Valerie: or uptown. she lives in hell’s kitchen. only uptown kinda.

93. William Rast-Best Friend (Color: Paula)

Stef: what color is Paula?!
Riese: Paula color
Stef: a deep maroon i think
i just think of paula abdul, with pinot in her giant coke cup giving loving, slurred advice to everyone on american idol
Riese: ugh my hero

92. #Hello Billie Boyfriend Crop in Laney

Valerie: is that hashtag part of it??
Riese: you bet
Valerie: i was afraid that was the answer

91. Stevie X-Rocker With Nicking

Stef: yeah we get it, you like fleetwood mac
Valerie: her name is actually brenda but she insists on being called stevie

90. Women’s Debbie High Rise Straight Crop

Valerie: i keep thinking ‘riding crop’ and i’m not sorry
Stef: yeah me too
debbie is actually an equestrian
Cameron: still has breyer horses on her shelf
Stef: don’t judge me

89. Distressed Suspender

Cameron: my guidance counselor

88. Liquor & Poker Slim Mom With Sequin Trim

Cameron: she has fun
Stef: a cool mom
Alaina: kris jenner

87. Big Star Billie Boyfriend in Ventana with Rips and Destructions

Cameron: I too come in rips and destructions
Valerie: okay rips and destructions is definitely country singer big star billie’s album

86. Josefina Feminine Boyfriend with Distress

Stef: i need a minute to take this in.
Rachel: i feel like i met josefina at a party and really wanted her to be gay but that was not the case
Molly: josefina’s feminine boyfriend who comes with their own distress sounds kinda gay
but isn’t.
Stef: what is distressing him so?
Molly: his girlfriend is gay
Stef: he could borrow her pants
Valerie: is josefina the feminine boyfriend or does she have a feminine boyfriend?
Cameron: both i think
Stef: i think she has a feminine boyfriend
and he’s upset
Riese: i think josefina is the feminine boyfriend
Valerie: distressed even
Cameron: they’re both distressed
Stef: listen life is hard.

85. High-Rise Straight + Narrow – Spliced

Jenna: woah
Valerie: JEANS MATH?!
Stef: forbidden love
Cameron: i think this is what happens when two people who look the same date each other

84. Josefina Boyfriend in Brilliant Blue Broken Twill

Molly: damn josefina
Stef: brilliant broken blue twill is a poem i wrote when i was 14
Riese: it’s possibly also an ani b-side
Cameron: oh i was thinking lana del ray

83. Only Ella Straightcut

Stef: she holds herself to a high standard
Valerie: Ella tried to get a straight haircut but you can’t hide the gay, girl
Stef: ella is figuring herself out
Molly: she believes she’s a kinsey 1 but. she’s. not.
Stef: dawn is helping her on this journey
Valerie: casually
Stef: with her cat on a leash
Jenna: i wanna say she says “Only Ella!” in the same way of “Just Jack!” from Will & Grace
Riese: yeah it has a sitcommy feel
“That’s Ella!!!”

82. R13 Leather Chap

Stef: (raises eyebrow)
Jenna: british
Alaina: rey from star wars
Cameron: sips a fine merlot at the leather bar. pinky up.

81. Rivet & Thread Retro Straight

Stef: drinks whiskey
Molly: makes joan-jetting a verb
Valerie: Rivet & Thread is another country album
Stef: used to be married to a guy named baird

80. Fidelity Axl Girlfriend

Cameron: is actually an amp
Stef: she honestly keeps trying to tell you to listen to buckethead’s records
Valerie: i thought that was an exclamation point like panic! at the disco. ax! girlfriend

79. Rebel Wilson X Angels Plus Denim Ryot Tomboy Slim Boyfriend

Stef: nope
Jenna: too many words
Stef: “ryot”
Alaina: why
Stef: i’m taking another painkiller

78. Hole Lotta Love Distressed

Molly: no.
Stef: courtney love
Valerie: that’s a drag name
Stef: literally just courtney love

78b. So Ripe

Stef: also literally just courtney love

77. High Waist Slim Mom With Busted Poppers

Stef: MOM
how do you even know what poppers ARE
Valerie: bad boob job?
Molly: busted poppers is rude
Alaina: WITH BUSTED POPPERS
Stef: i don’t like you hanging out with those girls in your book club
they’re getting you into trouble

76. Genetic Los Angeles Women’s Runaway High Rise Skinny Crop in Brentwood

Molly: wearing these sounds like going to a spinning class and just wracking your crotch
Stef: i’m terrified.
i would never fit into these no matter what size
i am picturing myself crying in a fitting room just thinking about them

75. Cult of Individuality Distressed Skinny Shorts

Stef: LOL
tag yourself i’m the cult of individuality distressed
Riese: i’m the skinny :-(
Alaina: i’m distressed
Valerie: i’m just cult

74. Ring Under Control Raw

Stef: frodo
Molly: needs sex ed
Valerie: that’s NSFW
Cameron: you’re sure these are still jeans
Riese: I am yes
Stef: these are the jeans gandalf wears

73. Siwy Women’s Emmy Lou Lonely Heart High Waist Ankle Flare

Molly: oh emmy lou
Stef: every item of clothing she owns is from the stevie nicks collection
Rachel: you can take emmy lou out of the ankle flares
but can you ever really take the ankle flare out of emmy lou?

72. Miss Selfridge Distressed Mom

Jenna: angsty music
Molly: valium
Stef: she’s british? or whatever?
Alaina: a full sentence. “Miss Selfridge, distressed mom.”

71. Altered Straight

Stef: :disappointed:
Alaina: me before i came out
Stef: was clearly converted by the gay agenda
Riese: you go in for a gay haircut and leave with the same haircut as always
Valerie: is that all the celebs who don’t like labels
Cameron: sounds like someone’s trying to queer hetero culture without making it gay
Valerie: “i’m not GAY… i’m… altered straight”

70. Altered Skinny Moody

Stef: me on a diet
Molly: smokes too much indica, loses appetite
Cameron: me on week 2 of the whole 30
Valerie: “i’m not fat… i’m… altered skinny!”

69. Flawless Wasteland

Stef: wow
Molly: heeey
Cameron: Utah

68. Lovers & Friends Ricky Skinny

Stef: throws an 80s party at the bar on friday nights
wears sunglasses the whole damn time
Valerie: always calls you her girl but never her girlfriend
Stef: kinda fake tbh
Molly: invites you and all her other side pieces to a party just to watch

67. Patched Girlfriend

Jenna: she’s doing her best, okay?
Riese: me
Molly: everyone i put a band-aid on
Stef: maybe it’s like that movie
you made her out of parts of other girls
she’s like a frankengirlfriend
Molly: omg Stef
Cameron: Stef
Stef: what!!!!
Valerie: oh no
Stef: is this why i’m single

66. You Da Mom High-Waisted

Stef: …
Valerie: MOTHER
Molly: wasted

65. Abundant Edge Cropped Skinny

Stef: she contains multitudes
Jenna: wow abundant edge
Molly: big boobs, short skirt
Jenna: that’s a lot to handle
Stef: takes a while to get to know her but once you do
Cameron: she has a chest piece of her ex’s name it’s fine
Stef: oh no is it in a language she doesn’t speak
i dated her

64. Hey Boi Ripped Girlfriend

Stef: this is precisely how you end up with patched girlfriend
she catcalls you but then you notice she has really nice hands
and that’s the end of that
Cameron: how to introduce your v strong girlfriend to a dude who is hitting on you

63. Tall Toothpick in Glendale Wash

Stef: molly priddy
Molly: goddamn it
i do NOT live in washington

62. A-Frayed But Not Belted

Stef: in immerse, also in distress
Jenna: she’s going through a lot
Stef: i will never forgive her for a-frayed
Jenna: and doesn’t know how to verbalize it
Stef: we are in a fight
Molly: the worst thing that has happened to her is having to be on a waitlist for a class

61. Only Extreme Distressed Boyfriend

Rachel: also me
Stef: the only kind of boy i date
Rachel: josefina’s boyfriend also
Jenna: yes, i feel this one

60. Point Sur Shoreditch Straight

Molly: surfer girl
Stef: she sounds confused
Valerie: she’s so drunk she’s slurring
Cameron: mermaid.
Stef: unlike the altered straight, she really likes labels
so she just claims a million things for herself

59. Distressed Fish Net Mom

Stef: i wonder if she’s upset that she caught so many fish or like, working out her angst wearing a hot pair of fishnets
how are these fishnets jeans
Alaina: mimi from rent but a mom
Jenna: i think she just could use a friend right now, is all
Cameron: Alaina’s right
Stef: i googled these, they’re jeans with holes in them with fishnets underneath? but mom jeans?
Valerie: Mom in the streets, Mimi from rent in the sheets

58. Hudson Women’s Jax Boyfriend Skinny With Flap Pocket in Lifeline

Stef: this person has a douchey haircut.
Valerie: okay these are too many words for pants!!
what happened to like… mid-rise?!
Riese: just want you all to simmer on “flap pocket” for a minute
Valerie: WHAT KIND OF LIFELINE IS IN THE FLAP POCKET
Molly: it’s where she keeps her tobacco when she’s leaving your place at sunrise, laughing at the fake name she gave you
Valerie: i’m stressed
i’m in immerse

57. Distressed Shadow Mid Rise Patch Girlfriend

Stef: me
Riese: tag someone else, Stef is the distressed shadow
Stef: i feel seen
Valerie: okay i feel like the story is developing, we’re getting behind who actually did the girlfriend patching. a distressed shadow.

56. Regular Mom

Cameron: Never met one
Valerie: fictional

55. Mid-Rise Push Up

Molly: great arms
Valerie: have you moved into bras?
Riese: nope.
jeans push you up now too
Jenna: edge of tomorrow

54. Noisy May Tall Coated

Valerie: coated in what?!
Cameron: wears a short skirt and a talllllllllll coat
Stef: and won’t shut up about it

53. The Principle Girlfriend

Stef: are you sure it’s not the principal girlfriend
Riese: i am
unfortunately i am
Valerie: is this a poly thing?
principle girlfriend, secondary girlfriend, distressed girlfriend
Riese: mhmmh yes
Stef: in immerse girlfriend
Riese: i think you’re onto something

52. The Ragged Priest Mom

Stef: stop it
Valerie: you’re making these up now
Jenna: i’m sorry
no
Riese: i’m telling you
it’s a wild world out there in jeansland
Valerie: yikes

51. Parker Smith Women’s Twisted Seam Straight

Molly: no one at smith seems straight

50. Glamorous Relaxed Mom With Distressed Bows

Stef: lol
Molly: glennon doyle
Stef: can you actually show me these jeans
i can’t
Valerie: that feels like an oxymoron
Cameron: she’s had a lot of wine, she’s so relaxed
Jenna: classic wine mom
Riese: Glamorous Relaxed Mom Jeans With Distressed Bows at asos.com
Valerie: being glamorus, relaxed, and distressed…though i know a few moms like that
Stef: these are RIDIC
Jenna: holy fuck
actual bows
Valerie: no.
Jenna: did not expect that
Cameron: now i’m distressed
Valerie: now i’m bow distressed
Stef: i am in immerse
Valerie: I AM IN IMMERSE
Rachel: these are femme visibility
Alaina: i feel like those are jeans for actual moms
Stef: she is overcompensating
for how fucking gay she is
Valerie: if my mom EVER
Alaina: only a mother gifted those jeans would wear them
Riese: “my daughter made these!!!”
like when claire got high and made her mom the pants with the bells on them
Stef: omg remember when ruth wore the pants claire made when she was really high on six
Riese: on six feet under
Stef: fuck
Riese: YES!
Cameron: i feel like those jeans were created by someone whose mom told her jeans were for boys and she said “HOW ABOUT NOW”

49. Kristen Ripped Skinny

Stef: call me
immediately
Molly: this is a white woman peddling weight loss stuff as organic
Stef: i think we all know the answer to this question
Cameron: look we all know

48. Cruiser Straight: Shadow-Pocket Edition

Molly: me in college

47. Glamorous Petite Boyfriend in Bleach Wash

Valerie: that took a turn
Molly: also kristen stewart
her soul is stained but her clothes are pure
Stef: will she do my laundry

46. Cropped Skinny Bowie Blue

Stef: would date
Cameron: it’s just david bowie
that’s it
Jenna: wants you to call her ziggy
Stef: absolutely nothing wrong with that.

45. Jimmy Jimmy Boyfriend Skinny

Stef: eh.
Valerie: my dad always said “never trust someone with two first names” so i’d go with super not trusting this boi
Riese: yeah this is like your friend is dating them but you refuse to call them “jimmy jimmy”
and every time they’re like “it’s jimmy jimmy, not jimmy!” you’re like “please stop”
Stef: “okay jimmy”
Cameron: or it sounds like a badly written spell to do ???

44. Biker Boy

Stef: she said c u l8r boi

43. Emma Deep Indigo Gold

Stef: oof
wants me to go with her to gathering of the vibes every fucking year
has a lot of seashells on her dresser
Jenna: she likes it when you tell stories about the constellations

42. Brenda Light Indigo Vintage

Molly: i see her at the peach pit
Valerie: i think she was my bartender in brooklyn once
Jenna: she was
Stef: has a prism hanging in her window

41. French Connection Rebound Skinny

Valerie: delphine?!
Cameron: DELPHINE
actually shay probably

40. Gaby Original Rigid Skinny

Stef: gaby dunn not fucking around
Cameron: paging gaby dunn
goddamn it Stef
Stef: gaby dunn eating a salad
rigidly

39. Stud Up For Yourself

Molly: hahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Stef: also molly
Valerie: hahahaha
Molly: hahahahahahahahaha
Alaina: ahahahaha
be the stud you want to see in the world

38. Skinny Old Hangout

Stef: harsh
Molly: conspiracy theorist
Jenna: down for whatever ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Stef: my ex girlfriend
Valerie: has great booze
Molly: doesn’t have plans beyond the next five minutes

37. True Religion Women’s Cameron Slim Boyfriend

Cameron: Hello ladies
Stef: cameron is my only true religion
Molly: omg Stef
jinx
was typing that

36. Taylor Tomboy Studded Boyfriend

Stef: literally taylor
climbs a lot of mountains

35. Ex’s and Oh’s Lace-Up

Stef: these sound horrible
Alaina: i loved that show
Valerie: i like that song
Molly: thinks her exes think about her more than they do
Jenna: idk if you are being serious but i remember also loving that show?
it feels more like a dream now idk i think i watched it with the volume down low
Alaina: oh i’m so serious.
i think i BOUGHT it.
on itunes

34. The Relaxed Nerd

Alaina: not me
Valerie: me!
well
when i’m not in immerse

33. Rainbow With Me

Molly: i mean
Stef: she is absolutely insufferable during pride
Valerie: smokes so much pot

32. Shrunken Boyfriend in Lillian Pretty Wash With Busts and Stepped Hem

Molly: emily on skins
Stef: there is so much going on.
Valerie: i just spit water everywhere
shrunken boifriend is too much
Stef: (hocus pocus voice) he has a little woman?!?!?

31. Glamorous With All Over Studs and Distressing

Stef: Alaina
Alaina: true

30. Boohoo Raw Edge Mom

Rachel: me
Stef: me as a mom
Rachel: me now
Stef: you were an accident
she reminds you every day after a few beers

29. Keep Your Fringe Close Skinny

Jenna: this is a fucking threat
Molly: a bit paranoid
Stef: she’s a kleptomaniac
Jenna: a threat embodied in a person
Stef: she’s always shoplifting you weird shit from the bodega
which is nice i guess but makes you nervous about a future together
Cameron: she wants to believe

28. Liquor N Poker Boyfriend with Metallic Panel

Stef: shut up

27. Level 99 Women’s Morgan Slouchy Straight

Jenna: plays soccer
Molly: everyone thinks morgan’s a lesbian bc of her posture
Cameron: and they’re right

26. Petite Carter Girlfriend Crosshatch Denim in Thorne Blue w/ Destruction

Stef: blue ivy carter
Valerie: i’m going to start signing my emails “With Destruction, Valerie Anne”
Jenna: i wanna say this is maybe detective carter from person of interest aka taraji p henson
Stef: WITH DESTRUCTION is my favorite descriptor
in immerse, with destruction

25. High-Rise Tomboy in Glen Rose

Stef: on morgan’s soccer team
Cameron: sounds like a penthouse apartment tbh
Stef: offers her a ride home after the big game
Jenna: everyone else thinks they hate each other, but they’re doing it
Stef: what follows then changes both of their lives forever

24. MOTHER The Tomcat

Rachel: MOMMI
Stef: mother the tomcat is Riese’s type
somehow
Valerie: she has a lonely heart of course she’s drunk
Molly: mother the tomcat is the meanest lesbian at the bar
Valerie: i think you mean MOTHER the tomcat
Riese: thank you Valerie
Valerie: quite welcome
Stef: MOTHER the tomcat sorry
Molly: i’m not sorry just disappointed

23. MOTHER The Dropout Boyfriend

Stef: ahahahaha
MOOOOOM

22. Tomgirl

Stef: MOTHER is nowhere to be seen
Cameron: are tomboy and tomgirl the same thing?
Jenna: idk why but tomgirl makes me think of a cartoon tomcat and i… don’t hate it?
Riese: i know, this is a bizarre linguistic development
Jenna: not sure what that says about me
Riese: what does tomgirl do that tomboy didn’t do, as a word
Stef: it’s a tomboy but not in like a gay way
Molly: it’s for boys
when they’re being girly
Cameron: if only
Riese: right yeah they should make Girlfriend jeans for boys
Stef: josefina’s feminine boyfriend
in distress

20. Mom Rebel Rebel

Stef: !!!
Valerie: MOTHER
Stef: TOMCAT
mom rebel rebel is dating MOTHER the tomcat
Molly: TOMGIRL
Stef: their kids are both like :face_with_rolling_eyes:
Valerie: their kids jimmy jimmy and rebel rebel

19. Carolyn with Tux Stripe

Stef: :heart_eyes:
Jenna: yeah she sounds hot

18. New Look Graffiti Stud

Alaina: you think she’s different, but she’s like every other stud
Cameron: it’s a new look though
Riese: new look
same stud

17. Ripped Girlfriend

Alaina: my type
Jenna: she is a firefighter
Cameron: charity arm wrestling contest
Stef: she has a dog, she’s very cute about her dog
Valerie: well now Stef has me thinking that maybe this is the sequel to patched girlfriend
Stef: ripped girlfriend is actually what happens before you make the patched girlfriend
Valerie: gotcha

16. Boy Skinny

Stef: lives in portland
Jenna: every t-shirt looks 3 sizes too big
in a cute way
Riese: eats twigs
Stef: loves a bow tie
has probably dated cee

15. Brady Boyfriend with Carpenter Styling

Stef: power lez
Molly: great with her hands
Alaina: who marsha brady grew up to become
Stef: the literal carpenter
Valerie: brady actually uses the hammer loop
for a hammer

14. Best Girlfriend

Molly: a liar
Stef: can’t trust her
into it
Cameron: thank you
Alaina: doesn’t exist

13. Sexy Boyfriend

Stef: you wish
Valerie: that’s how men describe women in novels
Alaina: doesn’t exist

12. Rip Her To Shreds Distressed

Cameron: a rough break up
Molly: cat lady
Valerie: into it
Riese: also her sister pant, Tear You Apart Distresed
Stef: sister pant
Jenna: she has aggressive nail art
Molly: look what you made her do
Stef: tear you apart is the gother of the two
Cameron: oh no not another pant sisterhood
Stef: rip her to shreds has great eyeshadow, tear you apart is a mascara girl

12. High-Rise Slim Boyjean: Painter Edition

Valerie: the jeander binary is a social construct
Stef: bette porter would love to exhibit her work
Molly: just got a short haircut, paints in good light in san fran
Jenna: this is cobie smulders from the l word

11. Reinvented Tomboy

Cameron: it’s me
Alaina: is okay wearing makeup
Stef: she is risen
Molly: and has an undercut
Jenna: doesn’t worry about gender stereotypes anymore
Riese: doesn’t care if you use they or she
Stef: a good hand holder
Cameron: grass stains are intentional, so is the eyeliner
Riese: i guess we really are describing cameron
Cameron: hi
Stef: cameron has never held my hand
but there’s always tomorrow
Molly: yeah wait
Riese: we can circle back
Cameron: please form an orderly line

10. High-Rise Slim Boyjean: Embroidered Edition

Molly: dolly parton
Stef: done

9. Field Scout Cuffed Straight

Stef: like a girl scout? are there thin mints involved
Jenna: i feel like she’s hot and rugged and closeted
Cameron: her name is louise. she saw a wolf once while camping.

8. Pepaloves I’m Only Kitten You Straight

Molly: hahahahahahaha
Stef: she makes terrible jokes for one thing
Valerie: i think reading that made me gayer
Stef: did someone at modcloth name these jeans
Riese: maybe……

7. Sienna Slim Boyfriend In Dream On

Stef: like a virginia slim?
Molly: that’s an LA L Word lesbian
Rachel: yeah she wears a fedora
Stef: she has a ton of hats
Valerie: Sienna Slim is definitely a cocktail
Stef: or a cigarette.
Valerie: or drinks cocktails
Stef: (don draper voice) she’s toasted
Molly: she’s an androgynous cigarette drinking a cocktail while rejecting me

6. Women’s Ex-Lover Straight Ankle in Ninette

Valerie: they really missed the boat in calling this one “in Cindy”
Cameron: ninette, it’s time to let go
Stef: ninette in immerse

5. Closed Heartbreaker Girlfriend-Fit Mid-Rise

Alaina: read that as ‘closet heartbreaker’
Valerie: that’s what it says under “seeking” on my tinder profile

4. Plus Boyfriend With Stud Detail

Alaina: sign me up!

3. Alice & You Distressed Boyfriend

Stef: tasha

2. Carhartt Tomboy Fit Benson

Stef: olivia is that you
Riese: this is like a sex dream version of olivia
Stef: she’s working on my car
Jenna: fuck i read that fic
Molly: olivia but butcher
somehow
Stef: she’s wearing a sleeveless black t
Valerie: that’s definitely the name of a alex cabot/olivia benson fic
Stef: and greasy but in a sexy way it’s fine
Cameron: weekend house maintenance olivia
Valerie: in which cabot is the carhartt tomboy
Alaina: she tells you it’s heinous when you get catcalled

1. Mom Blow Out

Cameron: this is what happens to tomcat & rebel rebel when they fight
Stef: maybe this is what happens when tomcat mom and rebel rebel mom break up, this is the fight they have
Riese: ok this wins
for drama