100 LGBTQ+ Women, Nonbinary and Transmasc Celebrities Killing It In Suits

Queer Books Across America: Incredible Lesbian and Queer Novels and Memoirs Set in Every State

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Alabama

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Alaska

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Arizona

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Arkansas

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California

San Francisco & Northern California

Los Angeles & Southern California

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Colorado

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Connecticut

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Delaware

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Florida

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Georgia

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Hawaii

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Idaho

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Illinois

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Indiana

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Iowa

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Kansas

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Kentucky

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Louisiana

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Maine

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Maryland

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Massachusetts

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Michigan

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Minnesota

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Montana

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Nebraska

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Nevada

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New Hampshire

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New York

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North Carolina

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North Dakota

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Ohio

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Oklahoma

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Oregon

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Pennsylvania

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Rhode Island

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South Carolina

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South Dakota

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Tennessee

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Texas

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Utah

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Vermont

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Virginia

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Washington

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Washington DC

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West Virginia

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Wisconsin

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Wyoming

Nine Vegetables Procrastinating Queers Can Still Grow from Seed in May!

Hey there, my procrastinating yet effervescent gay friend. I’m so glad you’re here and that you’re contemplating the possibility of growing at least one vegetable. And are you here because you’re wondering what vegetables to grow from seed in May? That’s great!! We’re doing great. I’m here to tell you it is not too late to plant some vegetables right now, this very month in fact! I am also in this situation, in your shoes, that I am by some quantum miracle standing in your shoes at the same time as you with this problem —  I have been overwhelmed with work and all things life and have not planted my garden and now I need to need to seriously get on my game and get some seeds into the ground. And you! You can still sow many of these vegetables from seed in May and then reap the rewards, in some cases, as soon as June!

In my particular part of US Zone 6b, the climate’s pretty rainy and also has serious heat waves that last for weeks, but with a growing season that drops off by mid October. It’s too cold, too short a growing season for a lot of vegetables that might be easier to grow in more southern zones (eggplants die in my garden, sweet potatoes are spindly shadows of their southern cousins). You also can’t as easily grow plants that prefer cooler climates in the middle of summer, but if you’re more north, you might get away with this.

So, what’s in this list? We are listing vegetable seeds you can plant, now! Why seeds? Seeds are cheaper than seedlings or starts — you can get an entire pack of seeds for about the price you might need to shell out for a single seedling, depending on the plant, and you’ll get a bigger harvest from an entire seed packet than a few plants. You won’t see things like tomatoes or peppers on this list because those needed to be started a minute ago and if you really must grow tomatoes or peppers, you’re going to have to go to a greenhouse and get some seedlings. I’m sorry. It’s May and that’s just the way it needs to be if you want any kind of a reasonable tomato situation. The option to pour your love and attention into a tomato plant you start from seed does exist, but you have to know that if you do this now you might get, like, a single tomato for your efforts. This seems like a pretty unfulfilling relationship is all I’m saying.

So, none of the following seeds need to be started indoors at this point. In fact, most do better if you direct sow them. “Direct sow” means just putting those seeds into the ground instead of starting them indoors. More gardening terms: when I say “succession planting” that means, instead of planting something all at once, you’ve planted some, then wait for a period of time, then planted more in order to stagger the harvest. “Full sun” means 6-8 hours of sun, “partial sun/shade” is 4-6 hours of sun a day aaaaand none of these will be shade plants. Make sure you read the directions on the seed packet before planting anything (look for spacing directions and follow them, etc.), and if you’re feeling zippy, you could also give the variety a Google to see what people recommend! There is oodles of gardening advice out there, including some gardening advice previously published right here on this very site!

Before you start sowing your vegetable seeds, however, a warning, especially, as a helpful commenter pointed out, for those in East Coast US / Rust Belt cities, which is to screen your garden soil for lead. You should take samples from several points in your garden and get each of them screened. Alternatively, if that isn’t do-able, then the raised bed route might be your best bet. My girlfriend’s constructed me simple raised beds from some reclaimed untreated lumber. (Which means it is not the pressure-washed and treated, POISONOUS arsenic-laced kind of reclaimed lumber okay? Please be careful!) You can make raised beds out of all sorts of things just check to make sure the materials you’re using aren’t hazardous as hazardous materials can leech into the ground and into your food and into you! You’ll also need to go purchase some soil if you aren’t sure of the contents of yours, which, again, is an added expense. However, at the end of the day, it might be the best route for you, and also, container gardening is a great avenue for anyone growing vegetables on an outdoor concrete pad, balcony, rooftop or other urban gardening situation.

Let’s grow some beautiful plant babies!

This post was originally written in 2021 and updated/republished in 2022.

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Carrots and Beets

You’re bold. It’s almost too late for these. They grow best in cool spring weather, so it is time to get MOVING on sowing your beets and carrots.

The reason these are ranked as “most difficult” is that you need a certain soil consistency for these to do well. Beets and carrots can actually thrive in raised beds and containers because of the level of control you have over the soil, but you need to make sure the containers are deep enough. Root vegetables prefer loose soil that also retains water and somehow also has good drainage. So, if your soil has a significant clay content, like mine, you’re going to have trouble — moreso with beets than carrots. Carrots are kind of tough and will battle their way through the soil as best they can and then you’ll just have kind of funny looking carrots. Beets will tucker out and refuse to grow if the soil’s not loose enough. So, if your soil is full of clay (You can tell just by handling it. Does it feel like clay and stick together a lot and is really heavy…like clay?), I recommend just giving up and growing these in a container or raised bed. Carrots can be used to better the soil, but we’re growing vegetables for validation here! We want results!

Notes for growing carrots and beets from seed: Make sure the seeds remain damp for the couple of weeks or so it takes to get them to sprout. You can also plant these two things together and they’ll help each other out. Once they sprout, you’ll need to “thin” them. Just make sure only one plant is growing per spot. I recommend using scissors to snip away extras so you don’t disturb the root. Congrats, these extra seedlings are 100% edible so now you can sprinkle some carrot seedlings on top of your toast in the morning (wash them first please) and feel super fancy. Bonus note: beet greens are edible, great sauteed. Carrot greens are edible, make an awesome pesto.

What you need to know about carrots and beets as vegetables you can grow from seed in May!

Sun / Shade: Full sun
Time to Sprout: 10-14 days for beets, 14-21 days for carrots
Time to Harvest: 50-60 days for beets, 60-80 days for carrots
Container-friendly: Yes!
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: Irrelevant

Peas

The absolute first thing I would get in the ground right now are some peas. Peas are one of my favorite vegetables seeds to plant in April and May. You are almost too late for these, but we’re not here to follow the rules, we’re here to get some things in the ground! These are soooooo easy, except for the trellis. New to gardening? Get some sugar snap pea seeds. You can eat them off the vine and it will make you feel like you’ve done everything right. Peas are relatively easy once you figure out the trellis situation, most varieties are ready to start harvesting in 60 to 70 days (a short period of time for vegetables), and the difference between fresh peas off the vine and store bought is really night and day, which is why they have VIP, completely reserved space in my spring garden this year.

Need a trellis? You don’t have to buy one! You can use your knot-tying skills to make one with some twine, or you can make one with chicken wire, which is what I’ve done because it’s really pretty fast once you get a little used to working with the chicken wire. Unroll it at least 5 feet, preferably more, attach it to things so that it slants from the bottom of the ground, upward, either by using the ends of the chicken wire itself, zip ties, twine, or other wire. You can attach it to an existing fence, or width-wise between two boards that you then lean against something, like the side of a building. A twine trellis can be hung from above like a rope ladder, which it is, but for pea vines. This is chicken wire. You will also need pliers or wire-cutters in order to cut it. Bonus: you can also use the chicken wire to keep critters out of your garden.

Container Gardening Tips for Peas: If you need to conserve space, I recommend trying a dwarf variety of pea. Some don’t even need to be trellised. These will grow in containers AND all peas are self-pollinating so you can grow them in places where you won’t have a lot of pollinators like bees coming around. Also, peas only need partial sun so if you have a shadier situation, they’re a good option.

What you need to know about peas:

Sun / Shade: Partial Sun
Time to Sprout: 7-14 days
Time to Harvest: 60-70 days
Container-friendly: Yes
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: Self-pollinating

Bush Beans

Beans are best to direct sow because they have delicate little roots and they hate it when you mess with them! Sow them where you want them and leave them there. As with any of the vegetables listed in this post, they’ve had human intervention that has helped cultivate them into the varieties we have today, and it’s important to recognize the thousands of years of labor and knowledge that have gone into the varieties that you consume, including some of our most common strains of beans, many of which are indigenous to the Americas. The genus Phaseolus are the way they are today because of indigenous farmers in North and South America who intentionally cultivated these varieties over millenia. That’s thousands of years! The Phaseoli are your pintos, your limas, but also, runner beans which are incredibly exciting because of their flowers! I’m planting this variety and am as thrilled by the prospect of flowers as I am of beans.

Beans can be roughly divided into two types, based on their trellising needs: pole and bush. Pole beans require trellising, bush beans don’t.

We’re covering bush beans because this list is supposed to be for gardening procrastinators who want to grow vegetables from seed this May, maybe after a quick trip to the store, and you maybe didn’t have time to get a trellis together! With bush beans, there’s no need to worry about that — they just grow on their own, in a little bush, thus their name. So if you don’t want to or aren’t able to make a trellis situation happen, this is a great route. Green beans of the bush variety will give you a continuous harvest for a while once you have them planted and fresh green beans are the best. You can buy seeds for blue lake green beans and do all the things you normally do with them once they’re done growing.

They also don’t need to be fertilized much since they make their own nitrogen, making them a great companion plant (a plant planted near another plant that helps it grow) for nitrogen hungry vegetables.

Now, for the reason these beans aren’t ranked as having more ease — I recommend you soak the beans overnight. This will require you to do some foreplanning, about 12-24 hours of planning ahead, but I believe in you! Put the beans in a dish of water the night before you want to plant them. You are now 1% less of a chaotic queer.

Container Gardening Tips for Beans: You can plant beans in a container, especially bush beans! Make sure your soil’s deep enough and just do your best with the spacing instructions. They’re self-pollinating so you don’t have to worry about hand-pollinating or getting some pollinator insects to visit. Great for a little outdoor patio or balcony situation that gets a lot of sun!

What you need to know about bush beans (which are an excellent choice to grow from seed in May):

Sun / Shade: Full sun! Heat!
Time to Sprout: 6-10 days
Time to Harvest: 40-60 days, Note: I like to go out and pick these each morning when they’re fruiting. You want to do this to keep the plant producing more beans.
Container-friendly: Yes!
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: Self-pollinators!

Pole Beans

Pole beans are next up! These are still super easy to grow, but they do require something to climb. You can use anything from a fence (one that has enough gaps for them to hold onto), to a trellis, a pergola, to, yes, poles that you literally stake up next to the pole beans. You’ll want whatever they’re climbing to be at leat 6 feet high, but ideally up to 8 feet. These are supposed to be planted after your last frost date which might not have even happened yet, they love sun and also will do well all summer long so you know what? No need to worry that you feel behind on gardening. Grab some beans and get going!

A bit about varieties here! There are some of these that you eat fresh, much like bush green beans. For example, Blauhilde beans are best used fresh. I love to just fry them up with butter and, yes, they are amazing. I grew these last year and picked some off the vine at least every other day while they were producing. On the other hand, you might try something that is more of a baked bean or a soup bean, such as the Good Mother Stallard bean. For these, you don’t harvest every day — from the time you sow their seeds in the ground, you just take care of them (water, weed, keep pests away) and let the pods dry out on the stalks. Dry beans aren’t harvested until they are all the way dry and the pods have released them inside of the pod. (Check your seed packet for an estimate on when this might be but it will be some months.) Then, yank out the whole plant by the roots and take it somewhere to pluck all the pods off the plant and “thresh” them or remove the beans by hand. Maybe get a friend to help you or put on a nice podcast. Store in some of those (clean!) glass spaghetti jars you’ve been hanging onto if you’re anything like this queer over here, and admire your handiwork. You actually now have beans you can use now — or that you can enjoy in the fall and winter! Look at you!

What you need to know about pole beans if you want to sow them this month:

Sun / Shade: Full sun! Heat!
Time to Sprout: 5-10
Time to Harvest: Like 3 months (check the seed packet but also use your observational skills! They will rattle when dry!)
Container-friendly: you could do a raised bed for sure
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: Self-pollinators!

Squash / Pumpkins

Do you have room in your garden / place you are growing things? Do you love squash? Do you want to grow your own pumpkins for Halloween? My spooky friend, now is the time to get those in the ground. These will need lots of space. An advantage of pumpkins specifically is that they’re good for reclaiming space from invasive species because…pumpkins win? In Pittsburgh, we have a huge knotweed problem (an invasive plant maybe also holding the whole city up because everything is built on cliffs and hillsides — I try not to think too much about it). Anyway, planting pumpkins in an area knotweed is trying to take over actually results in just… pumpkins! Magic.

Squashes also include zucchinnis which are legendarily easy to grow and productive, if you’re looking for what is maybe the hands-down easiest variety of squash. Winter squashes, deceptively, get planted now and are just harvested much later. These include your pumpkins, also things like your acorns and your butternuts.

I BELIEVE you can successfully grow some squashes in containers, but have not attempted this myself. Squashes like to spread their viny selves all over the place, so you will still need s p a c e.

Pollination and Other Notes for Squashes: Squashes DO need to be pollinated by pollinating insects, but you can actually hand pollinate these. Have you ever wanted to be the bisexual unicorn for two squash blossoms looking for a third? Now, you can! Hand pollinating is what it sounds like. You can get a cotton swab, old toothbrush, whatever and go scoop up some of the pollen from the male blossoms and then gently deposit it in the female blossom and spread it around. Here is a good visual for what to look for in male vs female squash blossoms, both of which are on the same plant. You can also pull the petals off the male flower, pick it, and stick the stamen into the female flower, but then you don’t have a male squash blossom to eat, which is sad because you can eat the male squash blossoms when you’re done. Don’t eat the females if you actually want squash, though! Blossoms are great battered and fried or stuffed with cheese (or your chosen briney, vegan stuffing) and baked.

Squashes may be the #2 most pest-ridden plant I’ve ever planted. (#1 being close-to-the-ground-greens slugs get after.) These squash bugs are a menace. If you’re okay with it / not attempting 100% organic gardening, diatomaceous earth works well for keeping these under control. I use it sparingly, but find it helpful. You may want to avoid it if you’re avoiding pesticides entirely. I have also seen people deal with squash bugs by manually removing them with tape. Like, get a roll of sticky tape and use it to stick up all the pests. This seems like a good idea because squash bugs can bite so you don’t want to just be reaching in there and scooping them up!

Also, I am just kind of looping cucumbers under squashes here. In my garden, they’ve experienced the same pest issues but are also, I hear from folks in the comments, pretty easy!

What you need to know about squash and pumpkins before planting them from seed this May:

Sun / Shade: Full sun
Time to Sprout: 7-10 days
Time to Harvest: really depends on your variety, but REALLY easy to tell just by looking. Is there ripe squash? You sure? Is it about time for this squash to be ready? Yes? Pick it.
Container-friendly: Yes?
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: Needs pollinating

Dill

Fresh dill, or dill weed, is a delight AND really easy to grow from seed. It doesn’t seem to me to be very picky in terms of soil and you don’t have to do much besides churning the soil around a bit with a trowel and sprinkling the seeds on top. (Skip the digging if you’re planting in a pot, just sprinkle). You can succession plant dill so you have fresh dill all summer long. This is great for omelettes, pickles, salads and dressing, anything you want dill in. Super easy and more cost effective than if you were to buy this much fresh dill from the store. Bonus points if you save the seeds for next year or dry some dill for the winter.

What you need to know about dill to grow this veggie from seed this May:

Sun / Shade: Full sun, deals okay with shade
Time to Sprout: 10-14 days
Time to Harvest: Once the leaves are ready, fully mature after about 90 days
Container-friendly: Yes
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: Irrelevent for eating, but should take care of producing seeds itself!

Radishes

This Fairy Tale Theater episode, starring Shelley Duvall, and the witch’s radishes within will haunt me forever. Are you a witch or witch-adjacent person who wants to grow your own “special radishes”? Wherever you’re coming from with gardening, radishes are magic. They sprout within a week, grow super fast and mature within 22-70 days. You’ll know because their tops will peek out of the soil when they’re close to ready. You can also succession plant these seeds for more radishes! Another thing to do with radish seeds is to plant them near other plants that you want to lure pests away from. They’re basically a sacrificial vegetable, then, that you use to keep pests occupied while other, more delicate plants like your carrots and beets grow. Radishes are also fun for kids to try because of their quick turnaround time, but that doesn’t mean you need kids to bask in that productive feeling that comes from seeing radishes sprout after just a few days.

What you need to know about radishes to plant them this May:

Sun / Shade: Full sun but also not the fussiest
Time to Sprout: 2-5 days
Time to Harvest: 22-70 days, depends on variety
Container-friendly: Yes
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: Irrelevent

Arugula / Rocket

Are you craving something that is really, really easy? Easier than anything else you have going on right now? In need of something that can come together faster than answering a slightly in-depth email or even washing a load of dishes? ARUGULA, friend. It’s arugula. I just throw these seeds around into empty areas of the garden like Johnny Rocket-Seed and once they sprout, you have arugula in a little over a month. You can succession plant arugula for a good while though it doesn’t love heat. This is a great way to have fresh salad greens that have not turned to slush because you forgot them in your crisper drawer. It doesn’t grow well in mid / high summer though, so get planting. Arugula also grows really, really well in containers, especially if you have partial shade. Can probably also be grown indoors. Pick it before it bolts (flowers). What are you waiting for? Plant some of this leafy green veggie this May and then tell us about all the arugula dishes you get to create!

What you need to know about arugula and rocket to grow them this May:

Sun / Shade: Full sun but tolerates shade
Time to Sprout: About 7 days
Time to Harvest: 40 days after seeding or when the leaves are at least 2 inches long
Container-friendly: Yes
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: Irrelevent

Melons

Bold of you. Bold of me! Are melons a vegetable? They’re in the same family as squashes and cucumber so I feel fine about looping them in here. These are another one where, like your pole beans, you are actually not late to the party! These like the heat so you actually want to be planting these after your last frost date. My absolute latest possible frost date for my region is mid-May. You can look yours up here.

Now, I hate cantaloupes and most kinds of melon excepting watermelon, so I am just going to pretend we’re growing watermelon and only watermelon! Don’t show me your cantaloupes! Watermelon is a vegetable (or fruit if you like) that can be planted even in regions skirting the edge of too cold so long as you plant these vegetable seeds after mid-May. Of course, if your region is warmer, you can get right to it! Again, check your frost dates, or just wait until the daily weather is hitting more than seventy degrees or so each day and the soil’s had some time to warm up.

These are big plants, much like their squash friends above. You’re also going to need to keep those pests at bay, and be in there weeding and taking care of these babies. Another note: the watermelons you get might not be nearly as big as the ones you see at the supermarket. That’s okay!! They might ripen with a diameter as small as your hand. Read up on the seeds you’re purchasing for more info on the variety. However, if you choose to go the growing-food-from-supermarket-plant-seeds route this May, you could wind up with anything (including something that does not quite resemble the plant you got it from — because genetics). These need warm soil and plenty of time to grow, so, again, make sure you are looking at the time you’ll have to grow these (until your first frost date of the fall) before you get going! I’ll be really curious if you decide to throw some watermelons into the mix for the vegetables you’re planting this May! Let me know if you’re trying them in the comments!

What you need to know to grow watermelon:

Sun / Shade: Full sun
Time to Sprout: 5-10 days
Time to Harvest: 3 months or more
Container-friendly: not really
Self-pollinating / Needs pollinating: one plant can pollinate it but you’ll need bugs to help (or you can get in there and help yourself!)

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OKAY! What vegetables are you growing from seed this May now that you’ve read this? What veggies HAVE you planted already? Which of these vegetables are you going to grow from seed this May? What do would you recommend folks plant? We’d love to hear more from you and see your sprouts in the comments!

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The 26 Best Lesbian Knifeplay Scenes in TV History

Update 3/3/22: In honor of Killing Eve returning for its fourth and final season (and also in honor of the fact that Autostraddle is recapping the show weekly for the first time!), I thought it was high time to update this very important work of cultural criticism and investigative journalism. As with the first time around, the definitions of “knife,” “knifeplay,” “gay,” and even “TV” are interpreted broadly. The only rule about this list is that there are no rules.

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Whether Killing Eve’s Eve and Villanelle want to end each other’s lives literally by way of murder or just end each other, like, sexually is a complicated question because the answer is both and yet neither. What Villanelle and Eve have for each other is, in turns but also sometimes all at once, seductive and dangerous. Their knifeplay has birthed many a fanfic, and I should know, because I read them as if they were cute lil bedtime stories.

But while Eve and Villanelle may have recently popularized and perfected the art of seductive-scary knifeplay on television, they certainly did not invent it. Here are the other times gay knifeplay graced our televisions.

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Villanelle gifts Eve lipstick with a razor hidden in it (Killing Eve)

So the first thing I knew I was gonna do when updating this list was add several more Killing Eve moments.

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Villanelle holds a blade against Eve’s throat and says “will you give me everything I want” (Killing Eve)

Date night!

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Villanelle coaches Eve in the art of ax-murder (Killing Eve)

The fact that Villanelle is this thrilled to watch Eve kill someone? The fact that this scene is closely followed by Villanelle saying “you’re mine”? Just murder wives doing murder wife shit!

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Ruby and Scarlett’s whole thing (American Horror Stories)

At best, I think the Rubber(wo)man chapters of American Horror Stories are boring and uninspired. And at worst, they encapsulate tired and heteronormative ideas of kink, sexuality, and desire despite being about a young queer girl discovering herself but I digress! Anyway, here’s a pic of a makeout that also features a knife.

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RoboSara holds a knife to Dr. Sharpe’s neck (Legends Of Tomorrow)

Thank you to Valerie for flagging this one!

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Batwoman saves Sophie with a batarang and then Sophie saves Batwoman with a batarang (Batwoman)

What is a batarang if not a bat-shaped knife?

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Kirsten and her knife (Station Eleven)

I have not seen Station Eleven yet (I know! I’m working on it!) but Drew said the following: “Station Eleven is all about a bisexual who is good at throwing knives but did she ever do so in a sexy way with a woman?” And Riese chimed in to say that indeed Kirsten is in a codependent relationship with her knife, so I’m counting it!

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Taissa grabs a letter opener after making out with her wife (Yellowjackets)

Honestly, Yellowjackets as a whole has very Gay Knifeplay Vibes. In addition to this Taissa moment, shoutout to Shauna’s close relationship with knives as a teen and adult.

Below, you’ll find the original 18 moments that made the first version of this list in 2019!

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Villanelle with a knife in Eve’s kitchen (Killing Eve)

Wow, just wow. This image really is Killing Eve in a nutshell.

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Eve stabs Villanelle (Killing Eve)

Remember when we all thought Eve and Villanelle were going to have gay sex? But then instead, Eve STABBED her? In any case, as season two shows, Villanelle thinks Eve stabbed her because she loves her…

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Tamsin pulls a circular blade out of nowhere on Bo (Lost Girl)

“You are more alive than anyone I have ever met.”

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Nancy Botwin and Celia Hodes in Nancy’s kitchen (Weeds)

Okay, I’m going to need everyone with a Netflix subscription to go watch this scene right now. It happens in season three, episode 12, about three minutes into the episode. (If you don’t have Netflix, you can watch the scene here, but the quality is not great and trust me this is something you want to experience in HD!!!) Watch the scene three times. The first time, listen to Celia’s breathing. The second time, focus on Nancy’s hands. The third time, focus on Celia’s hands. The HAND ACTING that is happening in this scene is incredible and undeniably sexual. This is a sex scene, and you cannot convince me otherwise.

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Faith uses her new knife on Willow (Buffy The Vampire Slayer)

Faith and her knife have almost as much chemistry as Faith and Buffy do.

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Faith pushes Buffy against a wall (Buffy The Vampire Slayer)

“If you’re a screamer, feel free.”

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Stahma poisons Kenya (Defiance)

Yes, technically poison is not a knife. But spiritually, this counts as knifeplay.

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Root and Shaw and the iron that sparked a million fics (Person Of Interest)

Oh yes, another entry on this list that does not technically involve a knife. We’re not even halfway through here and we are spiraling out of control, but did you expect anything less?

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Clarke holds a knife to Lexa’s throat (The 100)

I’M SORRY!!!!!!

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Fen hurls a dagger at Margo (The Magicians)

Dagger-throwing is a commonly practiced form of lesbian foreplay.

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Linda Cardellini just loving knives (A Simple Favor)

I know this is not a TV show, but clearly this list is playing it fast and loose with its own guidelines. I called Linda Cardellini’s character in A Simple Favor a Knives Lesbian in my review of the film, and I stand behind it. She collects knives; she paints knives; Blake Lively ruined her life. Knives Lesbian.

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Helena Cain and her folding knife (Battlestar Galactica)

This knife passed from Helena to Kendra Shaw to Starbuck, which is both beautiful and gay.

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Mona brought pie (PLL: The Perfectionists)

She! Brought! Pie!

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Xena confiscates Gabrielle’s “breast knife” (Xena: Warrior Princess)

Gabrielle’s ACTUAL response to this? “It’s not like your breasts aren’t dangerous enough.”

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Xena and Callisto’s fight (Xena: Warrior Princess)

This was a body-swapping arc, and body-swapping is gay.

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Emperor Georgiou and Michael Burnham in the Mirror Universe (Star Trek: Discovery)

Michelle Yeoh’s top energy on Star Trek: Discovery is… too… powerful.

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Rory and Paris’ fencing fight (Gilmore Girls)

In all seriousness, this is one of the greatest television scenes of all time.

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Dylan pulls out a knife literally during sex with Helena (The L Word)

Somehow, this is like the most chill thing that happens in the series finale.

The 25 Most Fan Fic-ed Lesbian and Bisexual TV Couples of All Time

Every time we do a fundraiser we start feeling a little bit nostalgic around here because it never stops being surreal that y’all have kept us alive for over 12 years. 12 years! That’s a lot of time in the regular world but it’s multiple lifetimes in the internet world, where the only thing that ever really stays the same is that Facebook is the worrrsst. This year’s fall fundraiser is coming to a close — we only have a few thousand dollars left to raise! — so we’re looking ahead, of course, but also fondly remembering how far we’ve come. And really what better way to do that — for a publication that launched and is still carried on the back of Riese’s The L Word recaps — than to count down the most fan fic-ed lesbian + bisexual TV (and web series) couples of all time? Gay fan fiction is the internet at its very best!

If you haven’t yet given to our fundraiser, maybe consider a donation so we can keep giving these couples — and all the ones that will follow them — life in our recaps, reviews, Gay Emmys, year-end lists, interviews, and personal essays! Our TV Team works tirelessly to cover literally every gay thing we can. And either way, we’d love to hear your favorite memories of these babes in the comments!

For your records, there are 14 canon ships here, and 11 femslash ships, making 2021 the first year ever that there’s more canon couples represented in fan fiction’s top tier than non-canon couples.

This list was compiled with data from AO3, FF.net, and Tumblr.

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25. Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Critical Role

24. Allison Argent/Lydia Martin, Teen Wolf

23. Ivy/Harley, Harley Quinn

22. Cheryl Blossom/Toni Topaz, Riverdale

21. Peggy Carter/Angie Martinelli, Agent Carter

20. Lapis Lazuli/Peridot, Steven Universe

19. Thirteen/Yasmin Khan, Doctor Who

18. Eve Polastri/Villanelle, Killing Eve

17. Rachel Berry/Quinn Fabray, Glee

16. Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe, Legends of Tomorrow

15. Serena Campbell/Bernie Wolfe, Holby City

14. Asui Tsuyu/Uraraka Ochako, My Hero Academia

13. Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce, Glee

12. Kara Danvers/Cat Grant, Supergirl

11. Root/Shaw, Person of Interest

10. Amity Blight/Luz Noceda, The Owl House

9. Jirou Kyouka/Yaoyorozu Momo, My Hero Academia

8. Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Homestuck

7. Laura Hollis/Carmilla Karnstein, Carmilla

6. Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught, Wynonna Earp

5. Korra/Asami Sato, Avatar: Legend of Korra

4. Adora/Catra, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power

3. Clarke Griffin/Lexa, The 100

2. Regina Mills/Emma Swan, Once Upon a Time

1. Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Supergirl

Any of these couples surprise or delight you? Any fan fics to share with the class?

15 Queer Woman and Non-Binary Babes Who Wore Top Hats Better Than Any Willy Wonka

This weekend, Timothee Chalamet released the first photo of himself as young Willy Wonka into the wild and the internet went as berserk as it always does every time this Victorian doll disguised as a sentient human man does basically anything at all.

WONKA ✨✨🍫 pic.twitter.com/ozaerNtroP

— Timothée Chalamet (@RealChalamet) October 10, 2021

Which of course made me think: queer women and non-binary babes always do it so much better. That’s especially true with top hats and here are 15 pieces of proof!

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Gonzo, A Christmas Carol

pic.twitter.com/RBS10EKGSb

— caity (@ktmob_) October 10, 2021

Non-binary icon Carly Usdin also confirmed Gonzo as a non-binary icon based on the recent Gonzerella storyline where they dressed up like a fairytale princess and asked thier friends to just accept them for who they are. And who they are here is: the queer who wore it first!

Marlene Dietrich

The original Shane McCutcheon, Merlene Dietrich was described by a film critic in the 30s as a woman whose “masculinity appeals to women and her sexuality to men.” I can certainly attest to that first thing!

Gladys Bentley

An iconic performer of the Harlem Renaissance, which historian Henry Louis Gates Jr. famously said was “surely as gay as it was Black,” Bentley knew audiences loved her fashion as much as they loved her singing. “For the customers of the club, one of the unique things about my act was the way I dressed,” she once wrote. “I wore immaculate full white dress shirts with stiff collars, small bow ties and shirts, oxfords, short Eton jackets and hair cut straight back.”

Anne Lister, Gentleman Jack

The Yorkshire lady of renown even married another woman — England’s purported first gay marriage — in a top hat!

Josephine Baker

Oh you know, just your average world renowned performer / World War II spy / activist — who also enjoyed looking dapper out and about on the town. (And by “town,” I mean “Paris.”)

Jo March, Little Women

“Women!” — Jo March

Callie Torres, Grey’s Anatomy

Sometimes, after a long and hard day, what your partner needs is hats and gifts and donuts and lingerie. Callie Torres taught us that!

Babadook

Ah, Babadook! They’re the top-hatted gay icon we didn’t know we needed!

Emily Dickinson and Sue Gilbert, Dickinson

Or should I say “Lysander Periwinkle” and “Tybalt Butterfly”? Sue and Em love dressing up “as boys” because they look cool, because it affords them a certain amount of freedom, because no one’s suggesting their breeches should have artificially wide hips to “help them look fertile” and because they love making other boys look stupid.

America Chavez

The cover of America #2 has everyone’s favorite queer Latina superhero heavily referencing Beyonce’s Lemonade, which especially makes sense as Gabby Rivera, who was running the series at the time, wrote: “I love women. I love myself. I feel like sometimes I’m not considered a woman. People assume I’m a masculine kind of person because I wear hats or boots. And to me, womanhood is so flexible and so ever-expanding and how beautiful is it to show all the ways that it manifests? And especially when it comes to Latinas and Black women. Our bodies’ shapes and sizes vary, and are equally supported by the community and equally loved.”

Sara Lance, Legends of Tomorrow

I’m not sure exactly what’s going on here because it’s from the latest Legends of Tomorrow trailer, but I think a good guess would be: circus!

Janelle Monáe

Janelle Monae’s 2019 Met Gala dress was a Christian Siriano custom design that “hit all the high notes: exaggerated glamour, art-historical pomp, and a duality in sync with our masculine-feminine age.” It also featured about 30 top hats.

Nan and Kitty, Tipping the Velvet

Just a couple of drag performers who fall in love and can’t keep their hands off each other or their top hats on. Ah, history!

Happy Coming Out Day! All Disney Stars Are Gay Now, We Don’t Make the Rules

I was a big Disney Channel kid. Honestly, even now as I write this, I am listening to Olivia Rodrigo, so in many ways I am still a (gay) Disney Channel kid. And when I came out at the ripe old age of 20, I was embarrassed that while my queer peers had spent their teen years watching edgier, queerer content like Degrassi, South of Nowhere or even The L Word itself, I had been deeply invested in the unfolding drama between Demi Lovato, Miley Cyrus, and Selena Gomez taking place largely via YouTube and graphic tees.

We’ve talked about how instrumental the Disney Channel Original Movie was to our sexualities and which DCOMs are the gayest, but actual queer women are virtually nonexistent on the Disney Channel. (It’s only been in the last few years that someone came out or two boys kissed in live-action programming on the network). Queer women in Disney projects appear more frequently as animated characters: the first bisexual character on the Channel, but also as a split-second appearance of a couple in Finding Dory or a one-eyed cop.

But while the Disney Channel may not be known for its gay characters, one thing it is known for is launching the careers of some of today’s biggest stars. And not for nothing, a lot of those stars have turned out to be extremely queer! Luckily for today’s teens, more and more of these stars are coming out (or dispensing of the idea of “coming out” as any specific label) while they are on the Disney Channel, making it much easier to be a queer Disney kid these days — and maybe saving them from sharing my experience of being self-conscious at queer parties a decade from now.

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Hayley Kiyoko

(Lemonade Mouth, Wizards of Waverly Place)

Despite having come out to her parents in the sixth grade and despite having truly one of the gayest haircuts ever seen on TV (and certainly the gayest haircut ever seen on the Disney Channel), Hayley Kiyoko was not, as far as I can tell, publicly out while on Disney Channel (she came out in 2016, in an essay about the Girls Like Girls video).

Before she was known as Lesbian Jesus, she was playing a troublemaking wizard (gay) in a small arc on Wizards of Waverly Place and played Stella, the lead guitarist (gay) in the titular band of the DCOM Lemonade Mouth.

Raven-Symoné

(That’s So Raven, Raven’s Home, The Cheetah Girls, Kim Possible, Zenon)

First let’s give it up for one of the hardest working homos on this list, because Raven was truly everywhere on this channel. Despite Raven herself coming out in 2013 and getting married last year, we recently learned that the character of Raven has not and never will identify as queer, not even in the reboot.

I find that just a little hard to believe because babes, the fashion on That’s So Raven? Setting aside the fact that it would absolutely destroy on TikTok right now, it’s all just so gay. The patterns, the textures, the accessories — a maximalist femme dream playing out before my 12-year-old eyes every week.

Miley Cyrus

(Hannah Montana)

Miley Cyrus was at the center of much Disney Channel celebrity gossip in my day, from her feud with Demi Lovato to her role as one of the founding members of the Jonas Brothers Ex-Girlfriend Club (many members of which appear on this list, just…saying…)

Though the gayest character on Hannah Montana, the show that made Miley mega-famous, was obviously Miley’s bff Lily (homegirl wore combat boots to the beach, like, as a standard), Miley herself came out as not heterosexual and then as pansexual in 2015, though she got an equality tattoo in 2012 (as is legally required of all good allies!). She’s been a culture vulture and made some deeply… questionable comments about sexuality, while also continuing to deliver gossip-worthy activity, like her parking lot kisses with noted Kristen-Stewart-ex Stella Maxwell and starring in this Kaitlynn Carter essay following their much-discussed yacht trip and subsequent breakup. As of last year, she seems to ID as “gay as fuck.”

Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato laughing together in 2020 just make believe in friendship again. ♥️ pic.twitter.com/5H4RSelxhp

— booooo (@milkshakee96) March 17, 2020

Demi Lovato

(Sonny with a Chance, Camp Rock)

Demi starred in Sonny With a Chance and, of course, ran vocal circles around The Jonas Brothers in Camp Rock, bringing the choppy bang mainstream in a spiritual predecessor to the shaggy cut that is currently in favor with white queers today! Despite playing Santana’s love interest on Glee in 2014, releasing the gayest song ever written “Cool for the Summer” in 2015, and making various comments about sexual fluidity and experimentation throughout the years, Lovato didn’t officially come out until 2017 as pansexual (thank you to Stef Schwartz for her intrepid reporting on this matter), and this year as non-binary.

Keke Palmer

(Jump In!)

The red-carpet host of this year’s Met Gala? The lead of Disney Channel Original Movie Jump In!? Sexually fluid and making the rules for herself? Baby, that’s Keke Palmer! Ultimately, Nickelodeon was the network that gave her a series (True Jackson, VP), but the DCOMs do not lie.

Lindsay Lohan

(Get a Clue)

Another one and done DCOM star, Lindsay Lohan was the (impeccably dressed) lead in Get a Clue. I assume everyone knows that she dated Samantha Ronson, but her long and famous feud with Hilary Duff (over, of all people, Aaron Carter) has firmly entrenched her in The Extended Disney Channel Gay Chart!

Dove Cameron

(Liv & Maddie, Descendants Cinematic Universe)

Dove made comments about being queer before her official coming out as bisexual on Instagram Live, which she discussed with Gay Magazine this year! She’s claimed that all of her Disney Channel characters (TV star Liv and overachieving basketball player Maddie – the twin sisters she played on her show, and Mal in the Descendants franchise) have been queer, and yes, she reads fanfiction of her and Sofia Carson’s characters in Descendants, Mal and Evie (the daughters of Disney villains Maleficent and The Evil Queen).

https://twitter.com/marcieinorbit/status/1443214104009838598?s=20

While Dove’s co-star Sofia Carson isn’t officially out, she also ships Malevie (though she prefers #Mevie) and thinks Janelle Monae in a rainbow dress is a “mood” to which I say, same.

Josie Totah

(Jessie, Liv & Maddie)

Josie Totah never led a Disney Channel show, but had arcs in both Jessie and Liv & Maddie and was on Glee, which you know is sort of in the same emotional universe as many Disney Channel shows (if we’re all being honest with ourselves!).

She came out in 2018, has appeared in the reboot of iCarly and the reboot of Saved by the Bell, both of which we also loved for making our childhoods even gayer, and is pretty consistently putting us to shame on Instagram.

Rowan Blanchard

(Girl Meets World)

Rowan Blanchard publicly came out as queer at the age of 14 while she was the star of her show, the updated-for-the-millennium reboot of Boy Meets World, making her, I think, the only lead of a show to be out while starring on the channel.

Bella Thorne

(Shake It Up)

After leaving Shake It Up, the dance-themed show she starred in with Zendaya, Bella followed in the Miley Cyrus footsteps of quickly shedding her child star image and becoming mired in controversy. She came out as pansexual, very publicly dated (and shared a lot of post-breakup Twitter drama with) Tana Mongeau (and MOD SUN, a musician I simply refuse to know anything about), and pulled that OnlyFans stunt.

Alyson Stoner

(Camp Rock, Suite Life of Zack & Cody, Phineas & Ferb, Mike’s Super Short Show)

Perhaps better known for dancing in Missy Elliott music videos, Alyson has been in a whole host of Disney Channel projects, as well as the actual host of a weird interstitial show on Disney Channel called Mike’s Super Short Show. Honestly, many of her roles pinged queer for me, but she came out in 2018, then made this absolutely perfect shirt, and now has a gay ol’ time on TikTok.

When I tell you that I would happily and cheerfully sit through commercial breaks as a child hoping for Mike’s Super Short Show to come on, I hope you understand why. I finally do!

Julia Lester

(High School Musical: The Musical: The Series)

Julia Lester stars in the newest entry into the High School Musical franchise, and loves hanging out with this pansexual flag. (And though the show technically airs on Disney+, I’m counting her as a Disney Channel star because back in my day that was where High School Musical content aired!)

https://www.instagram.com/p/CCEVplnAYbF/

Fellow HSM stars Joshua Bassett, Larry Saperstein, and cute IRL couple Joe Serafini and Frankie A. Rodriguez all identify under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, meaning the majority of the teen cast of that show identifies as queer, finally representing theater kids the way we should always be represented.

Mollee Gray

(Teen Beach Movie)

The former cast member of Teen Beach Movie and contestant on So You Think You Can Dance (another of my high school obsessions) got married in 2017, and talked to The Advocate in 2019 about having to come out before she got married. Tangentially, SYTCYD contestants often end up on Dancing with the Stars these days, which this season of course features another former child-star JoJo Siwa in the show’s first-ever same-gender couple!

And Also!

The extremely talented Auli’i Cravalho, who voiced Moana, came out as bisexual! Casually, over TikTok, as the teens do.

I’d be remiss not to mention Selena Gomez (another noted Jonas Brother ex-girlfriend), who not only – as Mey Rude said in this round up of gay pop songs from 2017 — “plays gay real well” but who is also very close friends with Julia Michaels — close enough friends to kiss onstage, and get matching tattoos offstage. Kacey Musgraves wisely once said “follow your arrow wherever it points” and Selena says hers forever points to Julia’s? Hm.

At press time, Zendaya, wearer of incredible suits, is not officially out as any specific label, but we remain hopeful.

De-Gayed By Hollywood: 22 Movies That “Straightwashed” LGBTQ+ Women Characters

For most of cinema history, LGBTQ people have relied on subtext to get us through the cold lonely nights of our queer discontent — and sometimes we did so because studios and test audiences were terrified by any and all reminders that we existed! “Straightwashing” comes in many forms: turning a queer person into a straight person in a biopic, rejecting gay storylines to please studios or in fear of losing family and international audiences, removing gay scenes or relegating obvious lesbians to subtext because nobody wants women to be happy without men. Last week the internet was abuzz with an actor revealing that Legally Blonde had a potential lesbian ending, although a screenwriter for the film has since denied that claim. Still, I got to thinking that wow, this has happened to us a lot, hasn’t it?

The list of biopics or movies based on true events that straightwashed their characters for a film adaptation would be longer than a CVS receipt, so I’ve tried to limit this list to films where there is evidence that gay content was considered and rejected or conversation around the absence of gay content.

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Times Square (1980)

This gritty indie follows misunderstood youths Nicky and Pamela who meet each other in a mental hospital and become best friends, finding refuge in punk music and street life. The story was based on the diary of an actual teenage girl that the screenwriter bought at a second-hand store. The filmmakers still consider it to be a lesbian love story, but the vast majority of its lesbian content was stripped from its final print, which essentially destroyed the movie. Despite being impossible to find online, it still has a cult following amongst queer audiences and has been noted for its portrayal of a pre-Giuliani Times Square.

The Color Purple (1985)

Author Alice Walker wrote of the Spielberg adaptation of her classic novel: “I was clear that Shug is, like me, bisexual. That Celie is a lesbian. Do I regret that my version of the book was not filmed? I have accepted that it wasn’t.” She “lobbied for a kiss” with Spielberg but “knew the passion of Celie and Shug’s relationship would be sacrificed when, on the day “the kiss” was shot, Quincy reassured me that Steven had shot it “five or six” different ways, all of them tasteful.” In 2011, Spielberg admitted that he “took something that was extremely erotic and very intentional, and I reduced it to a simple kiss.”

Welcome Home Roxy Carmichael (1990)

A film that has tentatively attracted queer audiences for over three decades, this Wynona Ryder vehicle was supposed to be, depending on who you ask, “an account of a small town’s memory of a bisexual teenage woman” or “a lesbian coming out story.” But, as recalled by the director, “at test screenings people were kind of shocked to see the two [women] in bed… I think we miscalculated the reaction.” According to author Michelangelo Signorile, ” the film “removed the original lesbian theme from its screenplay.” The remaining pieces left in its wake are what one fan called “one of the most subtle lesbian subplots in Hollywood history.” 

Fried Green Tomatoes (1991)

The lesbian relationship between Idgie and Ruth was fairly explicit in Fannie Flagg’s book (although her then-girlfriend, Rita Mae Brown, recalls Flagg struggled with internalized homophobia and didn’t want her book considered a “lesbian novel”) and deliberately ambiguous in its blockbuster Hollywood adaptation. Fried Green Tomatoes was released right before Basic Instinct, inspiring activists to wonder why queerness was okay for serial killers, but not for two cafe-owners in Alabama. In the director’s cut, director Jon Avnet claimed that a food fight scene was intended to be a “love scene.”

Switch (1991)

This epic flop’s storyline was thus: Steve’s an asshole, three (3) of his former lovers assemble to murder him and then he is reincarnated as a woman, Amanda, so he can learn what it’s really like to be a woman! He’ll only make it to heaven if he can find one woman to love him. One of his potential suitors is Sheila, a lesbian perfume magnate. Originally Amanda/Steve and Sheila shared a lesbian sex scene, but test audiences felt uncomfortable about it and thus the story was re-written to have Amanda/Steve rebuffing Sheila’s advances. “Beyond the explicit and offensive homophobia that provokes such a censorious action,” wrote a reviewer at OutWeek, “the suppression of this scene is further complicated by the fact that arguably, it would’ve been the “safest” way to represent lesbianism in a Hollywood movie: not as lesbianism at all, but as heterosexuality.”

L.A. Story (1991)

As quoted in the book Basic Instinct, Hollie Conley of GLAAD said that the Steve Martin comedy LA Story “had two positive lesbian characters removed from the film following negative reactions at test screenings,” while The L.A Daily News reported that Steve Martin’s lesbian friend and neighbor in L.A Story had her lesbianism “downplayed.”

A League of Their Own (1992)

For not being gay, a League of Their Own has a reputation for being really fucking gay — from the classic bircurious straight girl / butch lesbian friendship between Rosie O’Donnell and Madonna to the gay outcast played by gay actress Megan Cavanaugh to Anne Ramsey to the league’s entire deal. Josephine D’Angelo, the baseball player who inspired Geena Davis’s Dottie Hinson, was gay in real life and ejected from the league for getting an alternative lifestyle haircut. The recent Netflix documentary A Secret Love tells the story of two women who met and fell in love playing for the AAGPBL, which was apparently a non-stop party for its closeted lesbian players. Luckily, the new television series will not be obscuring the league’s intense gay history.

Now and Then (1995)

Christina Ricci and Rosie O’Donnell shared the role of tomboy Roberta in the beloved (by future lesbians) ’90s girl movie Now and Then. Lesbian showrunner Marlene King, who would later go on to produce Creepy Doll Tribute Series “Pretty Little Liars,” told Entertainment Tonight that “The script was written, and then we shot [the movie] with the intention of Roberta being gay.” But when they screened the film in the Chicago suburbs, their plan went south: “When Roberta was Rita Wilson’s character’s gynecologist [during the labor scene], people freaked out. They were like, ‘Ew, she’s a lesbian and she’s looking at her vagina!’ And we were like, ‘What? Seriously? Do you really care?'” Unfortunately, the studio backed the test audiences’s homophobic response, insisting they change the character to avoid anybody leaving the theater with “crazy thoughts.” King, Rosie and the cast were all upset by the decision, which also involved adding the line “Roberta, for example, has chosen to be alternative. She lives in sin with her boyfriend, but she is still normal.”

X-Men Franchise (2000 – 2019)

In the comics, Mystique/Raven is bisexual and has a long-term female partner named Destiny. You wouldn’t know this from watching the X-Men films, however, because Destiny is only in one of them and although in the comics Mystique has had relationships with men, women and demons; her only relationship in the films has been with Magneto.

Legally Blonde (2001)

The original Legally Blonde film was allegedly supposed to end with a romance between Elle (Reese Witherspoon) and Vivian (Selma Blair). “The first ending was Elle and Vivian in Hawaii in beach chairs, drinking margaritas and holding hands,” star Jessica Cauffiel told the Times. “The insinuation was either they were best friends or they had gotten together romantically.” However, Legally Blonde’s screenwriter has rejected this claim.

Scooby-Doo (2002) & Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (2004)

Scooby Doo writer James Gunn wanted his live-action film adaptation of the Scooby-Doo comics to make Velma “explicitly gay.” After a fan tweeted at Gunn last year asking him to “make our live-action lesbian Velma dreams come true,” he replied, “”I tried! But the studio just kept watering it down & watering it down, becoming ambiguous (the version shot), then nothing (the released version) & finally having a boyfriend (the sequel).” Sarah Michelle Gellar also told reporters that her character and Velma were supposed to kiss during a body-swapping scene.

Love Actually (2003)

My least favorite film in the history of cinema committed many sins in its pathway to near-universal affection and adoration and one of them was, in fact, cutting a plotline featuring a lesbian couple. In this story, a teacher at the school attended by many of the films innocent children (Liam Neeson’s stepson, Emma Thompson’s kiddos, etc), played by Anne Reid, is seen heading home with her partner, played by Frances de la Tour. There is coughing and illness and then um, she dies? So. As you can see, Love Actually’s cut storylines were just as stupid as the ones it included!

Whip It! (2009)

Whip It! was a fantastic vehicle for Elliot Page and Drew Barrymore to do a lot of hot editorial photoshoots together but more than that, it was an actual movie about roller derby, which is a lesbian sport. And yet: where were the lesbians? “I was pushing for Eva to be a lesbian seductress, hitting on all the girls,” said actress Ari Graynor. “I tried to push the envelope a little on stuff that didn’t end up in the film.” In 2018, Elliot Page said of the film, “A movie like Whip it, you know, should be more queer. It’s just that simple. It wasn’t a realistic reflection of the derby world, and I wish that was different. I love that film, just wanna be clear. Love that film, had a fucking blast, met two of my best friends in the universe on the film. But yeah, of course looking back on that, that’s a bummer. It’s a reflection of the time.”

Saving Mr Banks (2013)

Pamela Travers, the bisexual author of Mary Poppins, was not the “solitary, sexless spinster” she appeared to be in the Disney film. (Nor did she ever come around to liking the Disney adaptation of her book, as this movie suggests) Emma Thompson, who played Travers, defended the choice to leave sexual orientation out of the film: “You can’t fit everything about a persons life in two hours…. Saving Mr Banks is about a woman’s creative, artistic life. It’s a relief, quite frankly, because when is a movie about a woman not about her love life?” Well, I think we all know the answer to that!! WHEN THE WOMAN IS GAY.

Ghostbusters (2016)

In an interview with The Daily Beast, director Paul Feig affirmed that Kate McKinnon’s Holtzmann was a lesbian character, shrugging and noting “I hate to be coy about it. But when you’re dealing with the studios and that kind of thing…”

Suicide Squad (2016)

Although this wrong was eventually righted in future films (and in the animated series), Harley Quinn’s bisexuality was nowhere to be found in Suicide Squad, which instead lauded her abusive relationship with Joker. As noted by The Advocate, “It’s truly horrifying that Hollywood would rather try to sell an abusive ‘straight’ relationship as romantic over showing a bisexual woman in a healthy same-sex relationship.” In fact, the animated series did address her abusive relationship with the Joker — and then she ended up breaking up with / killing him, falling in love with Poison Ivy, and riding off into the sunset with her. Guess which one had more critical acclaim? The second one, by far, even from straight critics.

Pitch Perfect 3 (2017)

According to star Anna Kendrick, she and co-star Brittany Snow “tricked everybody into just shooting one [ending] that was just the two of us getting together. We knew it was a long shot. It meant so much to us that there was this following around their latent relationship and, yeah, I thought it would’ve been really cool if it would have ended up coming to fruition in the end.” (That said, the Pitch Perfect franchise has featured a Black lesbian character in all of its films.)

Ghost in the Shell (2017)

In addition to casting lily-white actress Scarlett Johansson as Japanese cyborg Major Motoko Kusangi, Ghost in the Shell straightwashed the character, who is depicted as queer in the original anime and manga. The film hinted at a lesbian scene in its first trailer, but that hint turned out to be a false lead. Screenwriter David Opie said it could’ve been “refreshing” to not focus on her sexuality, but noted that the directing team “did ultimately sexualize her character through numerous action scenes featuring Johansson in the nude, which arguably reinforces how the lack of bisexual representation here is even more of a missed opportunity.”

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)

Daniella Pineda played Dr. Zia Rodriguez, a paleo-veterinarian who ends up on an unexpected journey with Owen and Claire in their mission to save their park from angry dinosaurs. Pineda told Yahoo that a scene was cut in which she looked at Owen to size up his looks and noted: “square jaw, good bone structure, tall, muscles. I don’t date men, but if I did, it would be you. It would gross me out, but I’d do it.” She loved the scene for its insight into her character and for the inherent humor of a woman rejecting objective hunk Chris Pratt.

Black Panther (2018)

As Carmen explains in her piece on Black Panther, two prominent members of the Dora Milaje, Ayo and Aneka, are in a romantic relationship in Ta-Nehisi Coates’ version of the Marvel Black Panther comic series. In 2017, members of the press were invited to private screenings featuring clips from the much-anticipated feature. Joanna Robinson wrote in Vanity Fair of a scene she witnessed at that time: “We see Gurira’s Okoye and Kasumba’s Ayo swaying rhythmically back in formation with the rest of their team. Okoye eyes Ayo flirtatiously for a long time as the camera pans in on them. Eventually, she says, appreciatively and appraisingly, “You look good.” Ayo responds in kind. Okoye grins and replies, “I know.” Marvel responded swiftly to assure that the relationship was not a romantic one, and when the film debuted to widespread acclaim, it was clear to viewers that the scene confirmed by multiple journalists in attendance had been mercilessly cut.

Thor: Ragnrok (2018)

Bisexual actress Tessa Thompson has confirmed her character, Velkyrie, is bisexual and that the female warrior who died to save her in a flashback during the film was her lover. Thompson also managed to convince director Taika Waititi “to shoot a glimpse of a woman walking out of Valkyrie’s bedroom” but, alas, “he kept it in the film as long as he could; eventually the bit had to be cut because it distracted from the scene’s vital exposition.”

Wonder Woman: 1984 (2020)

Wonder Woman is bisexual in the comics and therefore canonically queer, but you would not know this from watching any films in which Wonder Woman has appeared, which have all been handily straighwashed. Some expected a little more out of Wonder Woman: 1984, as it also featured the canonically queer character of Barbara Minerva/Cheetah, with whom Wonder Woman experienced palpable sexual tension. When asked about why their connection wasn’t explored, Patty Jenkins said, “This storyline was so clearly about Steve coming back, the whole story was about Steve. It’s all a love story with Steve.” That focus was um, one of many reasons why the movie SUCKED HARD.

The United States vs Billie Holiday (2020)

The trailer for the Hulu biopic got the entire queer community stoked for its release — but the queer scenes from said trailer were nowhere to be found in the film. We did not see Billie and Tallulah Bankhead at a jeweler together and we did not see them kiss. “It was hinted at that they were lovers,” wrote Dani Janae in The Drop review of the film, “but the scenes between them were so… stale. It looked like they were just acquaintances.”

15 Robes for Gay Divorcées

Gay divorceés are very hot right now, very of the moment. I say this not just because I’m a gay divorcée and increasingly my friends are too; it’s just a fact. Detransition, Baby is dedicated to divorced cis women. All my group chats are trading mediation tips. Everyone I go on a first date with turns out to also be a gay divorcée. A quick twitter search gave me this, which isn’t strictly linked but feels related:

Gay Divorce #Cocktail #Recipehttps://t.co/ReIhdnQxX0 pic.twitter.com/EMxgFq2t9u

— Bartender.Live (@bartender_live) April 6, 2021

Although not everyone is lucky enough to be a hot gay divorceé (yet! Life is long, stay positive!) everyone can get into the staple of the gay divorceé wardrobe: the robe. It is the first thing I (and all my friends) have wanted to buy upon putting the divorce in motion; in a better world, it would come as part of a welcome basket. It’s perfect for lounging in your new apartment with a can of wine, for taking thirst traps in, for kicking your date out of your apartment at 8 am on the dot the next morning, for sitting on your fire escape with a cigarette in a haze of despair. It does it all! And there are as many options for robes as there are gay divorceés to wear them.

1. Flowy, Drapey Maxi Robes

Gorgeous, comfortable, silk, Black-owned; Jibri’s loungewear is the ideal divorce robe, giving you glamor and drama while remaining totally effortless, as if you completely forgot your ex was stopping by this morning to pick up the last of their things.

2. Target Floral Robe

Target’s selection of house robes changes every season; this one isn’t one of my personal favorites, but it might be yours, and if you don’t love it yet just wait like a month. Reliable, utilitarian, machine-washable, good for lending to your date while they run to the bathroom during a sex break in case they run into the roommate that you live with now because you are, again, divorced.

3. Oddbird Handwoven Turkish Robe

Why do I want this robe so badly? Is it the drapey texture? The pockets? That all of the models on this site look like haunted GOOP writers? It looks so comfortable and also so stylish! I am so annoyed at the overall aesthetic and price point and also will probably buy this in the next 3 months.

4. Etsy Turkish-Style Robes (1, 2)

If you like the above Turkish-style robe but are not going to cave like me and spend the money for it, these Etsy ones are similar! Pockets! Comfort of a spa robe with more style, and pleasingly ungendered!

5. Bettie Page Smoking Robe

This was designed for hot divorceés; the juxtaposition of the short length and full sleeves says you’re all business in the court hearing and a party in the (linen) sheets.

6. Devore Gown (Straight & Plus Size)

The drama! Did you divorce your ex, or did they go mysteriously missing on a yacht trip???

7. Peacock Print Satin Robe (Straight, Plus Size)

Perfect for hosting a boozy Sunday brunch for you and your friends to trade stories about your dates last night, and maybe volunteer to photograph each other’s thirst traps after.

8. Bettie Page Feather Robe

Sometimes you’re not in the mood for subtlety! To be worn while having phone sex with the PNW mechanic you met on Lex.

9. Full-Length Kimono-Style Robes (1, 2)

Extreme Gillian-Anderson-in-Sex-Education vibes. Making breakfast for your date? Your children? Both? Divorced MILFs, this is your time.

10. I Like Pink (1, 2)

Some folks’ post-divorce robe persona is very pink, and I love that for you. Send some selfies in these to the group chat please!

11. Leopard Print Is a Neutral (1, 2)

Some people’s post-divorce persona is leopard print! I love this for you as well! Comforting to know this is waiting for you to slip on after Zoom divorce court!

12. Heart Print Robe

Is this the final boss of gay divorcée robes? Picture it: your ex is dropping off the kids on the Monday morning of the long weekend they had them for; you answer the door in this heart-print robe, hair sexily tousled from last night, a cup of coffee in your hand. As they walk away, they hear an unfamiliar voice laughing from the kitchen at a joke you made – who is that? Love is not a a lie; it’s just not for your ex anymore!

13. Savage Fenty Smoking Jacket

Far be it from me to forget the backbone of the gay divorcée community: butch and masc gay divorcées. A smoking jacket is a classic; to wake up to someone fixing me eggs in the morning wearing this and some boxer briefs? Makes me want to get divorced all over again!

14. Men’s Cut Satin Robes (1, 2)

The butch nudes taken in these? Life-ruining! Again, extremely available to receive those!

15. Burgundy Hooded Robe

One of the little joys of newly single life is developing your own routines and rituals, like heading out onto the stoop in the mornings to pick up the paper and waving to your hot neighbor. You could be doing that wearing this robe – you deserve it, and so does your hot neighbor.

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What are your signature gay divorcée looks? Please share!!

14 Famous Queer Ladies Who Got Gayer a Little Later In Life

The “late-in life lesbian” narrative bucks a lot of assumptions people make about the coming out experience. The traditional lesbian narrative goes something like this: in girlhood, the protagonist encounters a series of “signs” that suggest homosexuality is afoot. The protagonist feels nothing for boys, and so many things for girls, usually culminating in a crush on a straight best friend during adolescence. Often, intolerant parents and friends will encourage the protagonist to be straight, thus repressing the protagonist’s desire. Usually by the time the protagonist graduates high school, the question isn’t if they wanted to live the life of a lez, but when they’d have the chance to start living the life of a lez. Even the coming out stories I knew in popular culture — Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O’Donnell, Melissa Etheridge — tended to be people who always knew, and often lived gay lives, but were careful about when they revealed that information to the public. My own journey just wasn’t that clear-cut, and I’m certainly not alone in that.

This list is about women who didn’t fall for another woman or realize they were queer until a little later in life — not women who were consciously in the closet for most of their lives.  It’s complicated to determine, with celebrities, who falls into this category, because they have an extra step that the rest of us don’t — there’s family, friends, work… and then the ENTIRE F*CKING WORLD. The list of celebrities who came out to the world as adults because they weren’t ready when they were younger is a very long one, including Robin Roberts, Jodie Foster, Joanna Johnson and Krissy McNichol.

This list is women who were over 35 by the time they not only came out to the ENTIRE F*CKING WORLD, but also by the time they came out to themselves or their family or even knew they were queer or liked women at all.

This post about famous women who came out to themselves and us over the age of 30 was originally published in 2014 and has been updated in 2021.

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1. Jenna Lyons, Executive Creative Director of J. Crew

I was finding myself really attracted to this person, and yes, we had kissed, and maybe some other things had happened, but I wasn’t like, “Okay, I’m gay!” I was just as surprised as the world was. I still don’t know: Am I gay, am I bi? I don’t know if it really matters.

Former J.Crew President and Creative Director and current fashion icon / entrepreneur Jenna Lyons was married to Vincent Mazeau for nine years, and after their divorce, Lyons fell in love with Courtney Crangi, the sister and business partner of jewler Philip Crangi, and the relationship became public knowledge in 2011. In 2013, when Lyons was 44, she publicly acknowledged her relationship with Crangi in her Glamour Magazine Woman of the Year acceptance speech. They split in 2017.

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2. Meredith Baxter, Actress

“I am a lesbian, and it was a later-in-life recognition. I got involved with someone I never expected to get involved with, and it was that kind of awakening. I never fought it because it was like, oh, I understand why I had the issues I had early in life. I had a great deal of difficulty connecting with men in relationships.”

Famous Family Ties actress Meredith Baxter came out to herself in 2002 (and to us in 2009, thus “joining a group of later-in-life lesbians“), after three marriages and a brief lesbian affair in 1996 that she didn’t take seriously at the time. She was married to Robert Lewis Bush, with whom she had two children, from 1966-1971, and then married David Birney in 1974, and had three children with him, including twins. They divorced in 1989. Her third marriage, to actor Michael Blodgett, spanned from 1995-2000. She began dating her now-partner, Nancy Locke, in 2005, and rumors began swirling about her sexuality after she appeared on a Sweet Cruise in November 2009. She told The Today Show that it was a same-sex relationship in 2002 that changed her everything: “It was that kind of awakening. I never fought it because it was like, oh, I understand why I had the issues I had early in life. I had a great deal of difficulty connecting with men in relationships.” She married Nancy Locke in 2013, and they’re still together.

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3. Carlease Burke, Actress

“I knew what a lesbian was, but there were no role models. I was raised in the black Baptist church, and there were gay guys who were choir directors, but they weren’t talked about. Deep down inside, I’d think that’s who I am, but I didn’t have the nerve to pursue that. All along I had lesbian and gay friends, but I couldn’t see myself going down that route due to fear. I started meeting more women while working as a comic, met a young lady in 1994 who caught my eye. It didn’t end up being a good relationship, but I grew up a lot … I started being more free and flirty in comedy clubs. From that moment on, it gave me a lot to talk about.”

Carleease Burke has been out for over two decades, but as a young person, she didn’t see herself pursuing a lesbian life. She got her first role, in a TV movie, in 1989, and has been working as an actress ever since. In 1994, she met a special lady, and thus at the age of 40, in her first relationship, she came out to her mother. She told AfterEllen in 2007 that she felt “25 in dyke years, because I came out so late.” Burke recently played Ms. Rose on Switched at Birth, you may also recognize her from In Her Shoes, Get Shorty, Shameless and pretty much every TV show, ever. Seriously, she has been in every single TV show ever.

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4. Kelly McGillis, Actress

“Life is a freaking journey, and it’s about growing and changing, and coming to terms with who and what you are, and loving who and what you are.”

Julliard graduate Kelly McGillis was an enormously successful actress in the ’80s, memorably starring opposite Tom Cruise in Top Gun and playing leading roles in Witness and The Accused. She married a fellow Julliard student, Boyd Black, in 1979, but they divorced in 1981. She had two children with millionaire Fred Tillman, who she was married to from 1989-2002. They co-owned a bar in Key West where she met her eventual partner, Melanie Leis, in 2000. In 2009, she came out in an interview with SheWired, and her and Leis entered into a civil union in 2010 which was dissolved in 2011. McGillis now teaches acting in Asheville, North Carolina.

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5. Cynthia Nixon, Actress

“I never felt like there was an unconscious part of me around that woke up or that came out of the closet; there wasn’t a struggle, there wasn’t an attempt to suppress. I met this woman, I fell in love with her, and I’m a public figure.”

Actress / activist / politician Cynthia Nixon and her long-time partner, Danny Mozes, with whom she’d had two children, split up in 2003, and then Nixon met Christine Marinoni, a public-school advocate. Nixon fell in love, and then, around the same time her landmark television series Sex and the City was wrapping up, rumors began flying. They married in 2012.

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7. Carol Leifer, Comedian, Writer & Actress

I’m finding, especially with women, a couple of different kinds of gays. I’ve met people who say, “I knew I was gay my whole life, and I lived this lie, and then I finally came out.” My kind of gay is like the late-breaking-lesbian kind of gay. I mean, I was attracted to boys. My first crush was on Davy Jones. My kind of gay, meeting a woman and falling in love, is a different experience because it wasn’t anything about “Oh, I’ve always been gay and I’m breaking the chains.” The whole experience spun me around. I really thought this was going to be a fun fling, and I had no idea that it would become this finding my soul mate, the love-of-my-life sort of deal. It does make you feel reticent about talking about it at the beginning because you’re not sure if it’s real, if it’s going to stick.

Leifer only dated men until she met her now-partner, Lori Wolf, at the age of 40. In fact, Leifer quite famously dated Jerry Seinfeld before the show and was not only an inspiration for the character of Elaine, but eventually joined the show’s writing team. Leifer has been doing stand-up for decades, writes for The Academy Awards, and was involved in shoes including The Ellen Show and The Larry Sanders Show. She’s also written two books, When You Lie About Your Age, The Terrorists Win, in which she discusses her relationships, and How to Succeed In Business Without Really Crying.

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8. Wanda Sykes, Comedian & Actress

“I’m proud to be a woman. I’m proud to be a black woman, and I’m proud to be gay. We are so together now and we all want the same thing and we shouldn’t have to settle for less.”

Wanda Sykes says she can trace back sneaking suspicions that she might be a total homo to childhood, but she repressed those emotions and didn’t start confronting them after her 1998 divorce from record producer Dave Hall, who she’d been married to for seven years. She came out to her parents at age 40 and four years later, in 2008, came out to the world at a same-sex marriage rally. She married her partner Alex, who she met in 2006, in 2008, before Prop 8 passed. They have two children.

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9. Maria Bello, Actress

46-year old actress and activist Maria Bello had a soul-searching moment reading old journals in her garden, which she described for a New York Times‘ Modern Love column in December 2013, when she realized that her long-time best friend, Claire Munn, was somebody she could love romantically. “What had I been waiting for all of these years?” Bello wondered. “She is the person I like being with the most, the one with whom I am most myself.” Bello described her new “modern family” in “Modern Love” which included a close friendship with her ex, TV Executive Dan McDermott, who is the father of her son. In 2019, she got engaged to French chef Dominique Crenn, the only female chef in the U.S. to attain three Michelin stars.

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10. Niecy Nash

“I was not suppressing my sexuality my whole life. I love who I love. At one point in my life, I married twice and I love those people. And today I love this person. I’ve done everything I wanted to do on my own terms and my own way. So my choice now in a partner has nothing to do with who I’ve always been. It’s a matter of who I am in this moment.”

2020’s sole highlight was 49-year-old actress / comic / TV host Niecy Nash marrying Jessica Betts, who she’d been friends with since 2015, when she was still married to her now-ex Jay Tucker. About 4.5 years into their friendship, after her divorce from Tucker, they went out to eat crabs and she realized over shellfish that she had stronger feelings for Betts. “I loved her before I was in love with her because she is such a special human being. But we began to see each other in a way we never had before.” Nash has chosen not to label herself, but is proud to call Betts her hersband.

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11. Elizabeth Gilbert

Novelist and journalist Elizabeth Gilbert came out on Facebook in 2016 at the age of 47, announcing that she was in love with and in a relationship with her best friend of 15 years, Rayya Ellis, having realized her feelings for Elias following Elias’s terminal cancer diagnosis. They had a commitment ceremony prior to Ellis’s passing in 2018.

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12. Glennon Doyle

“…what if I demand freedom not because I was ‘born this way’ and ‘can’t help it’ but because I can do whatever I choose to do with my love and my body.”

Author and activist Glennon Doyle met soccer player Abby Wambach in November 2016 while Doyle was on a book tour, and still married to her now ex-husband, Craig. She and Wambach got together, shacked up and got married more or less immediately, and they’re still going strong!

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13. Lauren Morelli

Despite “being 31 years old, having lived in extremely liberal cities for 13 years of my life and considering myself an educated individual,” screenwriter/director Lauren Morelli didn’t realize she was gay until her first season as a writer on Orange is the New Black. She recalls feeling like “if I was really gay, I would have known when I was younger. There was a prescribed narrative, and everything about my own story challenged the accepted one.” She is now happily married to our beloved Samira Wiley.

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14. Stacy London

In 2020, former “What Not to Wear” co-host and current “fashion maven” Stacy London announced that she is in a relationship with musician Cat Yezbak, and that it was her first serious relationship with a woman. “So I used to date men,” she said in her Instagram post about the relationship. “Now I date her. That’s it. That’s all I have to say. Happy New Year to each and every one of you.”

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I Tested And Rated 8 Natural Deodorants So You Don’t Have To

The cliché queer has three known loves: iced coffee, astrology, and natural products. How many times have you had shower sex next to a bottle of Dr. Bronners? How many times have you watched a new lover set the mood by switching on an oil diffuser? How many times have you peeked inside your crush’s medicine cabinet and found a stick of natural deodorant?

Yes, the cliché queers go wild for natural deodorant. It might be better for our health! It makes us smell like the woods! And it works — well, not always. If your body tends to have bountiful sweat and odor, natural deodorant might not be effective for you — but if you’ve ever wanted to give it a shot, do it now! Do it before you go back to the gym or the packed dance floor or the crowded airplane or wherever you’ll be sweating when it’s finally safe(r) to sweat there. Trust me — when you’re making the somewhat smelly transition to the natural deodorant life, social distancing will be your best friend. If you need a push to get started, I tested and rated natural deodorants to help you make your selection.

But First, Some Facts

Is aluminum-containing antiperspirant actually harmful to your health? The answer isn’t totally clear. Some experts warn that aluminum-containing antiperspirants cause a high concentration of toxins in our lymph nodes, which could potentially lead to breast cancer, especially in people who also shave their underarms. According to the American Cancer Society, there isn’t enough evidence to support this claim. A 2018 study found that the presence of aluminum might change how the body makes or responds to estrogen, and many antiperspirants also contain parabens, which are known to disrupt hormone function. Any product that messes with our hormones can pose a cancer risk, but the precise link between parabens and cancer is still up for debate.

I prefer to stay on the safe side, so a few years ago, I finished my last stick of Old Spice Swagger (don’t judge) and switched to natural deodorant. My grandmother had (and defeated!) breast cancer, and I want to do everything in my power to reduce my risk. Skin is the largest organ of the human body, and the thought of a bunch of chemicals seeping into my pores gives me the creeps. Plus, natural deodorant comes in scents that are much more appealing than “musk” or “powder fresh.”

The Transition Period

When you’re switching from antiperspirant to natural deodorant, your body needs some time to adjust. Yes, that means you’ll be a little sweatier and a little smellier for one to four weeks, but don’t let your new B.O. scare you — it’s temporary! Your pits are releasing the aluminum that was previously plugging up your pores. While you sweat all that aluminum out, the excess moisture fosters bacterial growth, which is where the stench comes from. Once your body has rid itself of your old Lady Speedstick particles, you’ll stink like a normal human instead of seventeen football players.

Some dermatologists recommend using a clay mask on your underarms during this time to speed up the unclogging process. They also recommend using a natural starch powder like arrowroot or cornstarch after applying your natural deodorant to soak up the excess sweat. There isn’t any research to back up either of those methods, but some sweaters swear by them. Did I do those things? Nope! I just washed my armpits with soap and water whenever I started feeling particularly grimy. I waited patiently with pit stains for a couple of weeks, and my body’s sweat and odor finally leveled out. I’ve been using natural deodorant for several years now, and I’m happy with the results.

I’ve used a variety of natural deodorants, but I’m still looking for “the one”— so I decided to try some of the more popular brands and rate and review them for you! I chose brands that were aluminum-free, under $20, available at major retailers, and made of at least 99% “natural” ingredients. I’m rating these products based on: scent, effectiveness, staining, price, and “queer factor” (i.e. would I wear this deodorant to a a Tracy Chapman concert in 1991?).

Some Disclaimers About Me, Your Friendly Queer Test Subject

I would guess that I’m an averagely sweaty person with an average amount of body odor. I have lavishly hairy armpits. I have sensitive skin, so some artificial fragrances cause burning and redness.  I typically apply deodorant twice a day.

Onto the ratings!

Schmidt — Cedarwood & Juniper ($8.85)

Schmidt is a decently-priced option that comes in several unique fragrances, including “Ylang Ylang & Calendula” and “Rose & Vanilla.” They also have a fragrance-free option. I went with “Cedarwood & Juniper,” which actually smells like cedarwood and juniper! It’s aluminum-free, paraben-free, and animal testing-free, but the scent and ingredients are this product’s only strengths. The stick left clumps in my armpit hair and stained the pits of my shirts. It also didn’t last long. Despite its flaws, I’ll give this one a queer factor of 5/5 for its gender-neutral marketing.

Scent: 5/5
Effectiveness: 1/5
Staining: 1/5
Price: 3/5
Queer Factor: 5/5
Total: 15/25

Every Man Jack — Cedarwood ($5.79)

Every Man Jack is like Axe for grown-ups. The branding is unreasonably masculine, and the scent is strong enough to let everyone know that JACK HAS ARRIVED. Perhaps the strong aroma is what makes this brand so effective. When I used the “cedarwood” stick, my pits didn’t stink at all. Well, they did stink. They stank of cedar. Fortunately, I like cedar, and I’ll take a strong, woody scent over body odor any day. The deodorant didn’t leave behind residue or stain my shirts, and I liked the wide stick (I guess it’s made for “big, strong man armpits?”). While this deodorant is aluminum-free, paraben-free, and not tested on animals, it does have a pretty long list of ingredients, so check the label before you use it if you’re prone to allergic reactions. The price is hard to beat.

Scent: 3/5
Effectiveness: 5/5
Staining: 5/5
Price: 5/5
Queer Factor: 2/5
Total: 20/25

Native — Charcoal ($11.97)

I can’t go anywhere on the internet without seeing an advertisement for Native deodorant, and with an $11.97 price point and a very enthusiastic review from Autostraddle writer Meg, I figured that this stuff must be worth it. It’s aluminum-free, paraben-free, and animal testing-free. They also make a fragrance-free option. I appreciate that the company has started making plastic-free packaging, too. Unfortunately, this one didn’t work for me. The fragrances I checked out didn’t quite smell like what was on the label (when I was wearing the Charcoal deodorant, my girlfriend asked me why my armpits smelled like bubblegum). The actual deodorant stick is extremely firm, and I had a hard time applying to my pits without rubbing them raw. It was also only effective for a short period of time and left some residue behind. Like Schmidt, this one gets a 5/5 queer factor rating for the gender-neutral marketing, but I probably wouldn’t buy this one again.

Scent: 3/5
Effectiveness: 3/5
Staining: 3/5
Price: 1/5
Queer Factor: 5/5
Total: 15/25

Ursa Major — Sublime Sage ($18.00)

This was my first experience with a spray-on deodorant, and I was pleasantly surprised. Ursa Major’s “Sublime Sage” kept my pits odor-free and dry for most of the day. The formula is paraben-free, aluminum-free, and baking soda-free, and it hasn’t been tested on animals. It didn’t stain my clothes at all. Unfortunately, the name is misleading — the scent is supposed to be “sage geranium,” but I smelled a whole lot of geranium and absolutely no sage — and at $18 for one tiny bottle, the price point feels a little outrageous. At least the brand is named after a constellation. Thanks to the queer astrology obsession, all stars and planets are gay now.

Scent: 2/5
Effectiveness: 5/5
Staining: 5/5
Price: 1/5
Queer Factor: 5/5
Total: 18/25

Tom’s
 — Lavender ($5.09)

Tom’s was the first brand of natural deodorant that I tried, and I keep going back to her the way some of us go back to our exes. I’ve tried multiple fragrances from both their “men’s” and “women’s” lines (they also have a fragrance-free option), and the “women’s” deodorants seem to be much more effective and don’t leave behind residue or clumps. This brand is aluminum-free, paraben-free, and animal testing-free. It’s also one of the more affordable options out there. Despite the gendered marketing, I’ll give this one a solid 3/5 in the queer factor category since I’ve seen a Tom’s product in nearly every queer person’s medicine cabinet.

Scent: 5/5
Effectiveness: 5/5
Staining: 5/5
Price: 5/5
Queer Factor: 3/5
Total: 23/25

Kopari — Driftwood ($14)

This deodorant feels so moisturizing! It’s aluminum-free, paraben-free, animal testing-free, and baking soda-free. It goes on clear, leaving zero residue or clumps behind, and lasts for quite a while. Still, I have one big complaint here: I don’t know what “driftwood” is supposed to smell like, but this “driftwood” smells like old lady floral perfume. Fortunately, Kopari makes other fragrances and also offers a fragrance-free option, so I would definitely grab this one again and try a different scent. I wouldn’t dare smell like old lady floral perfume at a Tracy Chapman concert, so this one loses queer factor points.

Scent: 1/5
Effectiveness: 4/5
Staining: 5/5
Price: 3/5
Queer Factor: 2/5
Total: 15/25

CRYSTAL — Unscented ($3)

When Autostraddle writer Sarah told me that some people use ACTUAL CRYSTALS to dry and deodorize their pits, I had to try it. This unscented deodorant has exactly one ingredient — potassium alum, or mineral salts, which kill some of the bacteria that leads to body odor. I did notice some body odor while using this product, so it’s not perfect, but it did keep my pits nice and dry. It doesn’t smell like anything at all, so it’s a great option for folks who are sensitive to fragrances. It didn’t leave any residue or stain my clothes, and it made me feel deeply gay. I mean, it’s a CRYSTAL. At $3, I would happily try this one again, but I would try a scented option to see if it fully kills the odor.

Scent: 5/5
Effectiveness: 3/5
Staining: 5/5
Price: 5/5
Queer Factor: 5/5
Total: 23/25

DIY Deodorant (probably free)

Zero-waste bloggers and “clean living” influencers love to wax poetic about the joys of natural deodorant. Most will tell you to combine coconut oil, baking soda, arrowroot powder, and essential oils of your choice. I made myself a tea tree-scented DIY deodorant paste and loved how it smelled! It left clumps in my armpit hair and made my pits feel greasy, but I was committed to this cheap option. Sadly, as soon as I started to sweat, the coconut oil melted, leaving my pits and my shirt an oily mess. I wouldn’t try this specific combo again, but I’m willing to experiment with other ingredients. Making your own deodorant is perhaps the queerest way to care for your pits, so this one gets a 5/5 in the queer factor category.

Scent: 5/5
Effectiveness: 1/5
Staining: 1/5
Price: 5/5
Queer Factor: 5/5
Total: 17/25

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’80s and ’90s Sitcom Characters, Ranked by Lesbianism

The Punky Brewster reboot lands on Peacock next week, which we were all honestly already pretty hype about — and then we learned that Jasika Nicole has been cast as Lauren, “a fun-loving and self assured lawyer who’s relationship with [Punky’s best friend] Cherie develops throughout the season.” So, now we’re even more worked up! However, while it’s good to see gay characters in comedy remakes, it’s also important to remember that ’80s and ’90s comedies were saturated with LESBIANISM. And to prove it, our team has ranked 25 of the gayest ’80s and ’90s sitcom characters by lesbianism, just for you.

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25. Roz, Frasier

Heather: I’m willing to concede that I only think Roz — and everyone else on Frasier — is queer because Daniel Lavery writes so prolifically about the show.

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24. Vanessa Huxtable, The Cosby Show

Natalie: Vanessa Huxtable is on my list of the worst TV kids ever, right along with Julie Taylor from Friday Night Lights, Maddie Conrad from Nashville, and Grace Florrick from The Good Wife.

Heather: I went back and forth between Vanessa and Denise, but ultimately it was Vanssa’s endless anxiety that gave her the lesbian edge.

Shelli: I agree with Natalie so hard but also the anxiety is that queer trait that made me think again about her lesbianing.

Carmen: Vanessa wanted to have BIIIIIIG FUN.

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23. Lisa Turtle, Saved by the Bell

Shelli: I don’t see it — but I would like to.

Heather: Rosa Diaz on Brooklyn Nine-Nine said that Lisa Turtle made her bisexual, so that’s something.

Stef: Honestly there’s gotta be a reason she resisted Screech for so long.

Riese: At the age of 40 she falls in love with a woman for the first time and writes a personal essay for The Cut about it.

Carmen: As a very high maintenance Black femme, let me just say we recognize our own.

KaeLyn: Strong bisexual power femme energy is all I’m saying.

---

22. Aunt Rachel, Family Matters

Heather: Freelance writer.

Carmen: I feel like I have no proof that Aunt Rachel was a lesbian? But also, given her relatively small role on the series, her staying power in our memories speaks for itself.

KaeLyn: Emphasis on FREELANCE WRITER.

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21. Kimber and Storm, Jem and the Holograms

Heather: Okay, Stormer slept with a picture of her and Kimber on her NIGHTSTAND, and Pizazz and the other Misfits had to bribe her with a PORSCHE and a PURSE FULL OF CREDIT CARDS to get her to stop making duets with Kimber and come back to their band.

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20. Elaine Benes, Seinfeld

Stef: I nominate Elaine just as a style icon alone.

Nicole: I always got lesbian vibes from her.

Stef: She kept trying to date men but she like truly truly hated every second of it.

Nicole: Just a very tragic case of compulsory heterosexuality.

Stef: Imagine Jerry Seinfeld being the ex boyfriend you kept as a friend.

Stef: She’s gay.

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19. Ashley Banks, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Valerie Anne: I feel like there was a period of time on that show where if it had been on now instead of the 90s, Ashley would have dated a girl just to rock the boat/dare people to challenge her about it.

Carmen: What I’m saying is that if someone told me Ashley Banks “experimented in college” after the show was over… I would believe it.

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18. Julia Sugarbaker, Designing Women

Shelli: Bare minimum she kissed a girl after Sunday school a few times.

Stef: I didn’t really watch Designing Women even when they ran it right after Golden Girls because like, after Golden Girls what else even IS there? But I feel strongly about these shoulder pads.

KaeLyn: She’s tried it, but she’s not committing to it.

Heather: Okay but name someone with more Bette Porter energy.

---

17. Alex P Keaton, Family Ties

Riese: Republican.

Carmen: But iconic fashion choices anyway.

KaeLyn: Deeply in the closet.

Heather: Soft butch dreamboat.

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16. Chrissy Seaver, Growing Pains

Heather: Chrissy grew up to be Ashley Johnson. You know, Ellie from The Last of Us and Yasha from Critical Role? I rest my case. 🔨

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15. Clarissa, Clarissa Explains it All

Abeni: Her best (platonic!) friend was a BOY!!!

Sarah: Gay.

Abeni: I don’t think she ever dated or talked about boys that I can remember. That bedroom, though, wtf? How could you even concentrate on anything with that much stimuli? The 90s were an interesting time.

Riese: We love a maximalist.

Stef: You know what’s really gay, is that little surf-rock musical interlude they play whenever the ladder clunks against her windowsill and she goes, “Oh, hey Sam” WAAOAOOOOAAAAOAAA.

Abeni: She also programmed her own PC games.

Stef: Also she had a pet baby alligator in a kiddie pool? Which seems not thought through especially well, but you know how lesbians love unconventional pets.

Malic: Every picture of Clarissa is straight out of one of those “what gay people wear to brunch” memes.

Adrian: The chaotic gender presentation speaks to my soul.

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14. Phoebe, Friends

Riese: There is a zero percent chance that phoebe would say no if a woman asked her on a date.

Stef: Honestly the only person on the whole show I liked.

Heather: She’s like that person who discovers she’s queer and starts hanging out with queer people and wakes up one day and realizes she hasn’t been to Central Perk or spoken to Rachel or Monica in three years.

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13. Freddie Brooks, A Different World

Shelli: Free Love Freddie was occasionally in someone’s box in the dorms of Hillman and I shall believe no different.

Riese: Combining the queer ease of a fedora with the queer labor of crochet, straight women simply cannot.

Stef: That vest alone.

Carmen: You will never, not ever, convince me that Freddie Brooks and Kim Reese were roommates for seasons four through six of A Different World and no late night bedsharing was going on!?!? Nuh uh. No ma’m.

KaeLyn: Ahem.

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12. Margaret Kim, All-American Girl

Riese: Def pansexual, also got cancelled after one season despite being good, which is gay.

Riese: Also made a joke about being a lesbian in the pilot.

Stef: With a smile that says “I just did something gay.”

Carmen: There is no character Margaret Cho has ever played that did not rank at the top of any gay scale. That’s physics, babyyyy.

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11. Donna, That 70s Show

Shelli: My answer is based on the tees alone.

Stef: Eric was definitely a gateway boyfriend.

Adrian: Donna is bi, a hill I will die on.

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10. Dorothy Zbornak, Golden Girls

Shelli: Was dykin in Brooklyn for years even when she was with Stan’s cheating ass.

Stef: Nobody wears a billowing vest quite like Dorothy, which isn’t necessarily a gay thing but it’s not not a gay thing.

Riese: I imagine her being like a dyke who wrote a lot of books about activism in the ’90s and now in her elder years is like, honestly who needs girlfriend drama when I have such good friends and so many scarves.

Stef: I will say if she came out Sophia would NOT be surprised.

KaeLyn: The last person in my family I came out to was an older woman who was a retired university dean and professor and who never married despite being engaged more than once. When I came out to her, she shared with me in so many words that she “used to have a special friend, too, when she was young.” Anyway, Dorothy has definitely had some special friends along the way.

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9. Kimmy Gibbler, Full House

Shelli: MAYBE her and DJ tucked each other’s hair behind the ears once.

Stef: I relate strongly to how she just keeps showing up somewhere she’s not welcome, pretty sure it’s gonna work out for her this time.

Riese: def kissed DJ during truth or dare and liked it, but it ended there for her.

Stef: I think Kimmy figured it out in college.

Malic: Persistence is gay.

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8. Blossom Russo, Blossom

Valerie Anne: I wasn’t allowed to watch Blossom when I was little because the one time I did turn it on Salt-n-Pepa were on singing “Let’s Talk About Sex” but I definitely owned a floppy flower hat like hers and I mean… look at her.

Laneia: I voted 3 on a scale of 1-5 but Valerie makes a good point here. Her khaki shorts are gayer than I am.

Abeni: Once they made a safe sex video in one episode and I will never forget this line one of the boys said: “It’s safe sex or no sex. I’ve been doing one my whole life, iIcan’t wait to do the other.” I may be misremembering somewhat. that show was pretty progressive!

Riese: Looks gay but acts straight: the ’90s!!!

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7. Darlene, Roseanne

Heather: Speaking of looking gay and acting straight.

Riese: I feel like Nancy asked Roseanne a lot if she ever wondered if Darlene was gay and Roseanne was like of course not what are you talking about and Nancy like raised her eyebrows and shrugged and drank a sip of coffee and was like “Okay, we’ll see.”

Shelli: I had such a crush on this white woman and that’s mostly because she treated the truly idiotic men in her life like idiots.

Carmen: Facts.

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6. Andell, Moesha

Natalie: If I had to pick someone to be gay on Moesha, it would’ve been Andell, right?

Shelli: Oh Andell was dykin’ for sure.

Shelli: At least dabblin’.

Shelli: There ain’t no way that she wasn’t — like, no way.

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5. Tori, Saved by the Bell

Riese: l e a t h e r j a c k e t

Riese: Also the actress is gay.

Stef: Also Tori is gay, which makes her gay.

Riese: That’s math.

Stef: Math makes you gay.

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4. Punky Brewster, Punky Brewster

Valerie Anne: I’ve been called Punky by family members (and now friends) my whole life and I came by the nickname honestly; I was just like lil Punky when I was little (and am currently wearing mismatched socks) and I grew up to be a lesbian therefore so would/did she. That’s just math.

Shelli: I used to want to be punky so bad — ask my dad.

Riese: My mom didn’t let me watch shows with commercials so i’d go to my friend anna’s house to watch this show because i felt a deep affinity to this tomboy and her sneaks.

Carmen: I know almost nothing about Punky Brewster and have never seen the show, but even I know she’s a lesbian and that’s just lesbian law.

KaeLyn: It’s the pigtails. See also: Pippi Longstocking.

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3. Alex Mack, The Secret World of Alex Mack

Shelli: My QUEEN.

Stef: Alex Mack had the ability to actually turn into a puddle, which seems pretty literal but definitely very lesbian.

Valerie Anne: 90% of the queer women i know could put together an Alex Mack cosplay from items in their closet at a moment’s notice.

Carmen: I’m literally dressed like this right now.

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2. Jo, The Facts of Life

Tracy: So on the scale of one to five, we can’t give her a ten?

Riese: Literally gay.

Malic: Such a daddy.

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1. Khadijah James, Living Single

Carmen: AND NOW WE ARE HOME. Okay. I can rest easy.

Shelli: There it is.

KaeLyn: Um. 😳

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60 Straight Actresses Who Play Gay The Most

Straight actors who play gay: they’re everywhere. Let’s talk about lesbian roles played by straight actors. As the U.S. vs. Billie Holiday trailer made its way across the internet, questions were raised. Specifically this one: Damn, how many queer characters has Natasha Lyonne played at this point? And there’s nothing I love more in this life than compiling data to answer a question that does not objectively require answering but nevertheless is fun to consider!!

Before we get into this little stats grab, to be clear this is just a compilation of information, not a position, and there are so many positions to have! I personally am not an advocate of “only gay actors can play gay parts.” Do I love it when a gay actor plays a gay part? Hell yeah! Do I celebrate it when a straight actress announces her desire to play a gay part? Hell no! But intellectually, at this point in history when the idea of a fundamental or universal queer experience that would best inform any type of queer role (which can also have its own intersectional identities) grows shakier and less certain, I can’t make a strong argument for it. (However, if the character is gender non-conforming, it is upsetting when the small handful of butch roles that exist go to straight gender-conforming actors while actual masculine-of-center women or otherwise-suited-to-the-role queer people don’t get work!) Do note — this is not the same conversation as the one about trans status! Because yes, only trans actors should play trans parts but trans status and sexual orientation are very different categories. that said, it is really exciting to have more and more out queer actresses actually playing lesbian and bisexual parts.

This list is focused on living actors who do mostly English-language films and shows, just to keep it manageable. A minimum requirement to be on the list was three roles in Film or TV in which at least one of the roles was a lead or otherwise iconic and all three characters were explicitly queer, not just a “kissed a girl” part or a brief guest role. There are actually TONS of actors who’ve done three parts, simply having three parts is not enough okay thank you.

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62. Katie McGrath

How Katie McGrath identifies is a mystery because she is a cryptid who isn’t on social media, but she has played on-paper queer in Dracula, Secret Bridesmaids Business, and a very special episode of Dates. And has played questionably-queer in Merlin, Supergirl, and pretty much everything she’s ever played. She also once famously said, “You can’t make a show without lesbianism.” (-Valerie)

61. Nicola Walker

Nicola is a straight actor who played gay Helen Bartlett in Scott & Bailey, Jane Oliver in Collateral and Lucy in The Fortunes and Misfortunes of Moll Flanders.

60. Shivani Ghai

Ghai had a regular role on Dominion as the queen of Helena, a recurring role on Batwoman as the queen of the pirate nation of Coryana and a recurring role as the secret lover in The Catch.

59. Brianne Howey

Howey is pretty young but is already racking up those! Gay! Roles! Specifically: Kat Rance on The Exorcist, Reagan on Batwoman and Whitney Taylor on Twisted.

58. Sofia Black D’Elia

What’s interesting about D’Elia is that her body of work is pretty small so far, so it’s interesting that so many of them are GAY. She entered our worlds in the unfortunate US reboot of Skins, playing a lesbian named Tea. She also had gay roles in The Mick and Betrayal.

57. Uma Thurman

Uma Thurman is very tall, like me. Actually she’s taller than me! Furthermore, gay in Henry & June, Even Cowgirls Get The Blues, and The Con is On. 

56. Laura Fraser

She was a lead in Lip Service before her sudden departure from the program, romances Shelley Conn’s character in Nina’s Heavenly Delights and is the target of a mission to remove lesbians from the army in The Investigator.

55. Rebecca Naomi Jones

A stage actress best known for her roles in American Idiot, Passing Strange and Hedwig and the Angry Inch; she’s also played gay onscreen a lot! For example: she was Gwen in High Maintenance, Davvy O’Dell in Sex & Drugs & Rock and Roll, and played Leah in the Netflix rom-com Someone Great.

54. Sasheer Zamata

You likely recognize her from Saturday Night Live but if you are very lucky you will also recognize her from her gay roles on Woke and The Last OG. This April, she will appear in the ABC sitcom Home Economics as the wife of a main character with whom she shares a very tiny apartment.

53. Floriana Lima

Most notably Maggie Sawyer on Supergirl, Lima also was a gay regular in The Family and a queer FBI liaison in the short-lived Allegiance.

52. Jessica Leccia

Leccia played Natalia Rivera, one half of “same-sex supercouple known as Otalia,” during the end of Guiding Light‘s 72-year run. She then obviously appeared in the Otalia spinoff series Venice, as well as in queer parts in A Million Happy Nows and the indie film Slippery Slope.

51. Salma Hayek

First of all: Frida. We all know about Frida. Second of all: the infamous bisexual / lesbian taco in Sausage Party. Third of all, she is bisexual in Timecode.

50. Michelle Hurd

Although Hurd has played four queer roles, three of them were guest parts: E.R., Witches of East End and Younger. Her biggest queer bang is on Star Trek: Picard, where she plays Raffi Musiker, who has a romantic situation with Seven of Nine. Also I used to see her at the gym a lot and she is even hotter in real life, which is just a general FYI.

49. Anika Noni Rose

Most recently, she changed our lives as Paula Hawthorne in Little Fires Everywhere. Previously she played criminal/police officer Jukebox in Power and was the voice of Lorraine Hansberry in the American Masters TV series documentary.

48. Rachel Weisz

Rachel Weisz played two iconic lesbian roles back to back in Disobedience and The Favourite and previously did one kinda-queer role (her queer storyline exists in backstory rather than the film’s present-tense, as far as I can tell) in Definitely Maybe.

47. Kyra Sedgwick

In Losing Chase, she falls for a woman played by Helen Mirren whomst she has been entrusted to care for after her nervous breakdown, In What’s Cooking? she is dating a woman played by Julianna Margliues? In The Humbling she is the ex-girlfriend of the daughter of a friend of the film’s lead character, an aging actor played by Al Pacino? So we are all over the map here.

46. Allison Pill

Pill played a lesbian with a personality resembling a soft paper plate in American Horror Story: Cult and hooked up with Floriana Lima’s character in The Family. was Harvey Milk’s campaign manager Anne Kronenberg in Milk and Vice President Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter Mary in Vice.

45. Kathy Bates

Whats’ the verdict on Kathy Bates’ character in American Horror Story Apocalypse I can’t remember where we landed but I remember feeling that she was GAY but maybe also a robot? Anyhow, Bates was Pearl’s wealthy lesbian cousin Lenore in Tammy, openly gay political operative Libby Holden in Primary Colors (she got an Oscar nom for that one) and Gertrude Stein in Midnight in Paris.

44. Sharon Duncan-Brewster

British actress Sharon Duncan-Brewster played one of Jackson’s lesbian Moms in Sex Education, Edith’s on-and-off lover in Years and Years and Maureen in the BBC series Cucumber. She also played a sister in the quarantine theatrical production Stuck With You. She also was in Imagine Me & You and in Bad Girls although somehow she was not queer in either of them, which is unfortunate for us all.

43. Nia Long

Long was a problematic bisexual in Dear White People, a queer hippie in If These Walls Could Talk 2, and the girlfriend of Mary McCormick in Broken Hearts Club.

42. Judi Dench

Dame Judi was nominated for an Oscar for playing an old lesbian spinster who is obsessed with a young teacher in Notes on a Scandal, played bisexual novelist Iris Murdoch in Iris and the lesbian aunt in The Shipping News.

41. Cree Summer

In 1995 on Courthouse, she and the actress who played her character’s girlfriend became the first-ever Black lesbian characters on network TV. She voiced Foxxy Love in Drawn Together and played Octavia Laurent in Queen Sugar. She was also the voice of Souki Lou, a guest on The Goode Family.

40. Lisa Ray

In addition to starring in the classic lesbian films I Can’t Think Straight and The World Unseen, Lisa Ray also played a bipolar Bollywood star dating her trainer in Four More Shots Please.

39. Joey Lauren Adams

When Chasing Amy debuted in 1997, its portrayal of a lesbian who goes for it with a guy was pretty problematic, but also there was a part where they were on the swings and she was explaining fisting that truly changed my life. Anyhow! She reprised her role in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, and she dates one of Tara’s many personalities in The United States of Tara. She was involved in a triad with a man and a woman in Harvard Man.

38. Rose Rollins

Our beloved Tasha from The L Word appeared in the Girltrash: All Night Long, which featured a few other gay-for-payers: The L Word‘s Kate French as well as Mandy Musgrave and Gabrielle Christian from South of Nowhere. In 2004, she made her gay debut in the TV movie Nikki & Nora. AND ALSO SHE WAS GAY IN BOSCH!!! We are all praying she will also be gay in her new basketball show.

37. Christina Ricci

Ricci has played a lot of real-life queer people: Aileen Wournos’ girlfriend in Monster, LGBT activist Romaine Patterson in The Laramie Project, adapted from the stage play; and Lizzie Borden in the Lifetime series THe Lizzie Borden Chronicles. She was also a bisexual drama teacher in Australia who hooks up with Ruby Rose in Around the Block. In Now & Then she played the young version of Rosie O’Donnell’s character, Roberta, who was initially written as a lesbian but that whole story was thrown out to increase the film’s mainstream appeal.

36. Melanie Lynskey

Lynskey is all up in lesbian cannon with her starring role in Heavenly Creatures and her parts in But I’m a Cheerleader and The L Word. 

35. Mandy Musgrave

Known and beloved for her groundbreaking role as Ashley Davies of Spashley fame in South of Nowhere, Musgrave went on to play queer in the film Girltrash: All Night Long and a three-episode bit on 90210. She also was featured in two lesbian webseries: Cowboy Up and 3-Way.

34. Penélope Cruz

She won an Oscar for having darkroom sex with Scarlett Johansson in Vicky Christina Barcelona and danced and romanced Charlize Theron in Head in the Clouds. In Pedro Almodóvar’s All About My Mother, she gets pregnant through a relationship with a trans woman and then begins a sex-free Mommi relationship with the trans woman’s ex. She also had a girl-on-girl scene in the 1980s Belgian TV series Elle et lui and the 2006 Spanish music video “Cosas Que Contar” by Eduardo Cruz.

33. Suranne Jones

Gentleman Jack herself played a bisexual sex therapist in the six-episode series Strictly Confidential and a no-nonsense bisexual detective investigator in A Touch of Cloth.

32. Piper Perabo

In addition to her very memorable lesbian turns in seminal films Lost and Delirious and Imagine Me & You, she also played a “funky” bisexual blonde who gets hit by a truck in Perception.

31. Sandra Oh

She’s in love with a killer in Killing Eve, is a pregnant lesbian in Under the Tuscan Sun and is married to Kathy Bates’ character in Tammy.

30. Sarah Shahi

Shahi played two very iconic queer television roles — Carmen De La Pica Morales in The L Word and Shaw in Person of Interest. Then she was in this film Guns For Hire that I’m gonna be honest you guys it looks really bad and if you google “Guns For Hire + Sarah Shahi” you are going to just get a bunch of porn.

29. Lena Headey

Headey played lesbian BDSM-focused sex worker Colette in Band of Gold, Clarissa Dalloway’s ex in Mrs. Dalloway and most legendarily, Luce in Imagine Me & You. She’s also said her “tomboyish huntress” character Angelika in The Brothers Grimm is gay, although that element was not explored onscreen. “I’ve got quite a big gay following,” Lena Headey allegedly said at some point. “I played a lesbian prostitute in the TV series ‘Band Of Gold’ but I think my following really grew when I played one in the film ‘Imagine Me & You,’ with Piper Perabo.” Also she was gay in Possession!

28. Gina Gershon

After her iconic role as a soft butch criminal in Bound, Gershon found her lesbian icon status “kind of scary at first [but] then kind of amazing.” She went on to engage in amazing lesbian experiences in the also iconic but for a different reason Showgirls as well as in Prey for Rock ‘n Roll. Gershon also had a small role on Ellen‘s coming out episode.

27. Sherri Saum

Sherri Saum is of course best known for her lesbian Mom role in The Fosters, which she reprised in Good Trouble, and she also did a lesbian guest spot on Grey’s Anatomy.

26. Breeda Wool

After her breakout role as a lesbian contestant in a Bachelor parody on UnReal, Breeda starred in a spin-off series centered on her character, The Faith Diaries. But her first gay part was in the lesbian film A.W.O.L. in 2010. Breeda went on to play gay Lou Linklatter in Mr Mercedes and a guest gay part on Strangers. She told Out magazine that to prepare for her role on UnREAL, she watched the (actually very good) L Word Mississippi.

25. Vanessa Redgrave

She was an elder lesbian mourning the loss of her wife in If These Walls Could Talk 2, Clarissa Dalloway in Mrs. Dalloway, suffragette Olive Chancellor in The Bostonians and was a guest star on “Political Animals” as a lesbian Supreme Court Justice. In 1986 she played trans tennis player Renee Richards in Second Serve.

24. Jodhi May

She was Nan’s socialist activist girlfriend in Tipping the Velvet, one of Anne Lister’s exes in Gentleman Jack, played murderous maid Lea Papin in Sister My Sister, has a triad in Sleep With Me, and played Emily Dickinson’s sister-in-law, Susan Gilbert, in A Quiet Passion.

23. Elizabeth Mitchell

Most iconically, Mitchell played Gia’s girlfriend in Gia, clawing at a fence to make out with Angelina Jolie and Weaver’s first lesbian girlfriend on ER. She also played gay in Nurse Betty and The Expanse.

22. Shelley Conn

Conn starred as Nina in British lesbian film Nina’s Heavenly Delights and had regular gay roles as a patient who falls for Sue Perkins’ veterinarian character in Heading Out, “the most shameless of the cheating sirens” in Mistresses and a lesbian DA in Liar.

21. Mariel Hemmingway

In 1982, Hemmingway starred in Personal Best, one of the first-ever lesbian films to earn a wide release, and “a revolution for queer female sexuality on the big screen.” Hemmingway participated in the infamous Roseanne kiss of 1994, played a lesbian secret service chief in In Her Line of Fire, has a threesome that leads to a lesbian awakening in The Sex Monster and did a lesbian guest spot on Crossing Jordan.

20. Rooney Mara

She glove lunched in Carol, she tracked a killer of women and got an Oscar nomination in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and then also was queer in the terrible 2017 American experimental romantic musical drama film Song 2 Song. In the very bizarre thriller Side Effects, she has an affair with her counselor, Victoria, with whom she plots to kill her husband.

19. Lili Taylor

Taylor played the legendary Valerie Solanas in the ’90s indie I Shot Andy Warhol, was a stifled New Jersey housewife who becomes lovers with Courtney Love’s character in Julie Johnson, feels attracted to the bisexual Theo in The Haunting (a 1999 film that everybody hated, same source material as The Haunting of Hill House), is part of a butch-femme couple with Juliette Lewis in Gaudi Afternoon, played gay in Pret-a-Porter and had a gay guest run on The Good Wife.

18. Mena Suvari

A young Joey Solloway wrote the story arc featuring Mena as a lesbian performance artist who befriends Claire in Six Feet Under. In Hemingway’s Garden of Eden, she created a triad for herself and her husband and another woman. Furthermore and henceforth, she performed as the Black Dahlia in American Horror Story! Oh right and she had lesbian sex in Becks and in Standing Still. “The sexuality of a character, playing gay or straight, has never meant anything to me,” she told NewNowNext. “I see much deeper than that, and that’s also how I go through life.”

17. Lucy Lawless

She is XENA THE WARRIOR PRINCESS. When counting her total number of queer roles, I thought I’d forgotten to put her L Word role in the TV database but then i realized her L Word role wasn’t explicitly gay, which was a weird journey for me, because why wouldn’t it be? Why even cast Xena if you’re not going to make her gay?!!?!?! Anyhow, it’s fitting that it was Lawless’s character investigating the death of Kirshner’s character because you know who else dies a lot???! Lucy Lawless characters. Lawless leaned into subtext as Number 3 in Battlestar Galactica, was Ruby in Ash vs The Evil Dead, hooked up with fellow often-gay-for-payer Jamie Murray in Spartacus and was immediately murdered as Isabelle Hartley in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. She also played Xena in Hercules the Legendary Journeys and apparently appeared in a short film produced by Tig Notaro about a lesbian telephone hotline that also starred Kate Moennig, Sandra Bernhard, Clea Duvall and Nicol Panoe? Almost feels like someone is playing a trick on me with that one.

16. Whoopi Goldberg

Whoopi was nominated for an Oscar for her breakout role as Celie in the 1985 adaptation of Alice Walker’s novel, The Color Purple. She then lezzed out as Jane in Boys on the Side (1995) and as a lesbian cop in the 1999 film A Deep End of the Ocean. In 2017, she played Activist and Lesbian Mothers Union co-founder Pat Norman in the miniseries When We Rise. Also: the 2003 Broadway revival of Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom starred Whoopi Goldberg as Ma. She produced a documentary about lesbian comic Moms Mabley for HBO in 2013 and a TV movie about a lesbian custody battle in 2001, in which she played a lawyer. She has been a high-profile supporter of LGBTQ rights and AIDS activism since the 80s and won a GLAAD Vanguard award in 1999.

15. Vanessa Morgan

In addition to Pimp, in which Drew says her character’s sexuality is sort of vague but “definitely feels gay,” Morgan has played some pretty major queer TV roles: Toni on Riverdale, Bird Castro on Finding Carter and Lyria on The Shannara Chronicles. “When people see “bisexual,” they still confuse it with promiscuity, which is so wrong,” she said after being cast as Toni. “So I was so pumped to be the first bisexual on Riverdale and just normalize that for viewers.’

14. Sarita Choudhury

Choudhury burst onto the scene in the 1994 flick Fresh Kill, playing one of two lesbian Moms raising their daughter in a converted garage on Staten Island. (!!!?!) She did girl-on-girl Kama Sutra things in the 1996 film Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love, and had a guest spot as a lesbian who died in Blindspot. In 1997, she turned up in a short by Lisa Cholodenko called “Dinner Party” that won a lot of LGBT film festival awards, although I’m not sure what her role was. (She also worked with Cholodenko in High Art but her character wasn’t gay, she was basically Luce and Greta’s token straight woman friend.) In 2004, she was amongst a cadre of lesbians who sought impregnation the same man in Spike Lee’s She Hate Me, inspiring a line in Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha’s poem “femme in film stars” in which she recalls having to “sit through She Hate Me for five minutes of Sarita Choudhury.” She also had an affair with Jeri in Jessica Jones.

13. Sandrine Holt

Holt’s psychologist character on Law & Order SVU was their first recurring queer woman character, and y’all remember her skinny game of Strip Poker with Helena Peabody on The L Word. Other queer roles include The Returned, The Expanse, and a guest spot on Sanctuary.

12. Yolonda Ross

Ross’ gay resume is extensive, beginning with starring in Cheryl Dunye’s Stranger Inside as Treasure, for which she accumulated many awards and nominations. The gay roles did not stop there: she went on to play lesbian rocker Faustus in Shortbus; Whitney Houston’s girlfriend, Robyn Crawford, in Whitney; Ginger in Slippery Slope and a lesbian detective in the gay film noir Kiss Me, Kill Me. AND she had queer roles in the shorts Dani and Alice, Guinevere Turner’s Hung and Happy Birthday. ALSO ALSO ALSO she had been cast to play Wade Dawson on The Farm, the terrible L Word prison spinoff that didn’t get picked up. Luckily I got my hands on enough Farm-related materials to tell you that Wade Dawson was a “cocky and handsome” inmate who is on meds and self-medicates her internal rage with sex.

11. Tracie Thoms

Thoms cleaned up the lesbian floor near the end of the ’10s when she appeared as the wife/girlfriend of a main character in 9-1-1 and The First and had a recurring role as a power lesbian TV executive in UnREAL. But to so many queers, she will always be Joanne in the movie version of RENT — a role she reprised on Broadway in July 2008 as part of its final cast (captured on the DVD Rent: Filmed Live on Broadway (2008)) and for RENT at the Hollywood Bowl in August 2010. “I do play lots of lesbians,” Thoms tweeted in 2017. “Proudly, I might add. I did kiss Idina [in Rent.] And Betsy [in Falsettos on Broadway]. And Eden Espinosa [in Rent Filmed Live on Broadway]. And Nicole Scherzy [in Rent in the Hollywood Bowl]. I’m a lucky girl.”

10. Indira Varma

Varma played the bisexual bastard daughter of a nobleman in Game of Thrones and appeared in the 1996 film Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love, in which a servant and a noble princess grow up together, learn the skills of seduction through the Kama Sutra, and also enjoy sexual activities with each other. Varma also played the lesbian character Charlotte in the Hulu dramedy This Way Up and the malicious Elaine Markham in the 2013 BBC thriller What Remains. In the legal drama For Life she plays Safiya Masry, a prison warden married to a District Attorney played by Mary Stuart Masterson. AND also played gay in the TV show Attachments.

9. Gemma Wheelen

“Every single thing I do, there’s a lesbian touch to it,” Wheelan told Gay Star News. “Long may I continue to be typecast, if that’s the way it goes.” She has brought her gay touch to playing Yara Greyjoy in Game of Thrones, a lesbian detective in The End of the F*cking World, as well as parts in the BBC comedy Upstart Crow (she was also in the West End stage production of Upstart Crow, which includes a romantic storyline and A WHOLE ENTIRE KISS for Gemma). She was a cross-dresser in BBC4’s Queers and also a lesbian in the BBC One min-series Mapp and Lucia. I also somehow feel like I owe her gay points for being in Killing Eve and Gentleman Jack, despite playing straight characters in both?

8. Jamie Murray

Often adorned in a very specific period or otherwise unusual costume, Murray played bisexual time traveler H.G. Wells on Warehouse 13, Gaia in Spartacus and Stahma Tarr in Defiance, as well as a lesbian businesswoman in Ringer and a an arc as a lesbian casino hostess in The Bill. When cast in The Bill, she told The Mirror, “I must have one of those faces. I played a lesbian in a shocking play called Handbag, so by the time I left drama school I’d already kissed three women. Let me tell you, it’s nice than some men I’ve kissed.” Let’s not forget Fright Night 2: New Blood, where she is a vampire who, like all vampires, is pansexual. “It’s an under-representeed demographic and it’s a really loyal fan base and it’s really nice to play those roles without making a big deal about it,” she told the Metro in April 2013.

7. Robin Weigert?

Robin Weigert’s sexual orientation is a bit of a mystery, so it is anybody’s guess if I should remove this. Weingart starred in lesbian film Concussion, showed up very briefly but gayly in The Politician, fought for her life in Jessica Jones, was nominated for an Emmy for playing Calamity Jane in Deadwood, played Pippa’s kindhearted lesbian aunt in The Private Lives of Pippa Lee (married to Julianne Moore) and also had queer parts on Law & Order and ER as well as in the film Synechdode New York. On an unrelated but somewhat related note, she also has intense therapist vibes (and yes, played one in Big Little Lies).

6. Charlize Theron

Theron has expressed her disappointment upon discovering that she herself is woefully heterosexual, but! Charlize is an oft-celebrated ally with a trans daughter. She won an Oscar as serial killer Aileen Wournos in Monster, kicked stuff in a trench coat in Atomic Blonde, casually referenced her bisexuality in Tully, and hooks up with Penelope Cruz in 1930s Paris in Head in the Clouds. In 2020, she played bisexual action hero Andy in The Old Guard, with a slightly-too-subtextual-but-fine relationship with Quynh told in flashbacks. She won the GLAAD Vanguard Award in 2006.

5. Julianne Moore

Julianne Moore has played some very big gay parts in some very big gay movies, including lead roles in The Kids Are All Right, The Hours (for which she earned an Oscar nomination), Freeheld and Chloe. In Rebecca Miller’sThe Private Lives of Pippa Lee, she plays Pippa Lee’s aunt’s lover. In 2014’s Maps to the Stars, she played an actress who has a threesome with her boyfriend and a woman they pick up together. She was the “Final Girl” in Gus Van Sant’s 1998 Psycho remake, a role he says was intended to be a lesbian although it is apparently not apparent to the audience.

Last year she told NBC Out, while reflecting on The Kids Are All Right, “Here we were, in this movie about a queer family, and all of the principal actors were straight. I look back and go, ‘Ouch. Wow.’ I don’t know that we would do that today. I don’t know that we would be comfortable.”

4. Mia Kirshner?

Kirshner’s sexual orientation is a bit ambiguous although she has only dated men, so I’m not sure Where The Community Stand on this one and was unclear if I should include her here or not. However, I am sure that I will get a lot of feedback on this! (Please do note I am a #1 fan of Mia Kirshner and head of the Emmy For Mia campaign via my podcast To L and Back.) Kirshner has said that sex scenes with women are “more fun and easier.” Obviously Mia shone as Jenny Schecter in The L Word, and also played regular queer roles on The Vampire Diaries, 24 and Defiance. She’s played characters one might describe as ranging from bisexual to heteroflexible in films likeThe Black Dahlia, Not Another Teen Movie, New Best Friend and Exotica. Unfortunately a lot of Mia’s characters end up dead.

3. Chloë Sevigny

Chloë Sevigny has said she is drawn to LGBTQ roles because they are characters who are often “marginalized [and] misunderstood” and outcasts, which she relates to. Memorably, she played an old school butch with a motorcycle in If These Walls Could Talk 2 and Lizzie Borden in Lizzie, which put her in the enviable position of kissing Kristen Stewart with tongue. She recently played a lesbian army Mom in We Are Who We Are. Other queer roles include a guest spot on Will & Grace and parts in Portlandia, Broken Flowers and Party Monster. Although not included in her tally because they aren’t queer roles, she also (unfortunately) portrayed a trans woman in Hit or Miss (which she says she’d “never do again”) and first emerged into the public queer consciousness when she played Lena, Brandon Teena’s girlfriend, in the 1999 tragedy Boys Don’t Cry.

2. Heather Graham

There are so many pictures on the internet of Heather Graham kissing girls in movies! The only films on this list that I’ve actually seen are Gray Matters and Even Cowgirls Get The Blues — but her lesbian and bisexual resume also includes The Oh in Ohio, Father of Invention, Bowfinger, Terrified, Kiss & Tell, Compulsion, Broken, Boogie Woogie and About Cherry. 

1. Natasha Lyonne

Here is our number one woman and it is also where this whole list began. The conversation has been HAD in MANY locations in recent weeks as the U.S. vs Billie Holliday trailer has caused many queer women to pause and ask, how many gay things has this woman been gay in???  Recently in my group chat a question was posited: why does Natasha Lyonne play so many gay parts, yet somehow is not gay? I do not know the answer to this question, besides that she is always vaguely messy and has a deep voice, which I guess screams “gay” to some people. Her most iconic lesbian roles occurred in But I’m a Cheerleader and Orange is the New Black. Other adventures in queer behavior include the films Sleeping With Other People, American Reunion, Intervention, Modern Vampires, Freeway 2, If These Walls Could Talk 2, and Addicted to Fresno.

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31 Reasons Why It’s Fine That We’re Single in a Pandemic, Thanks!

Is love a lie? Great question! We like to joke about it, because nihilism is one (1) free and legal coping mechanism that’s available to us all at any given time of the day and night, but what do we really think? Today we’re attempting to find an answer, once and for all, for the record and for the good of the people. On which side of this proverbial and eternal fence will we land? Keep reading to find out! 

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So an entire damn year in quarantine, huh? And single the whole time, you say? Ok sure! That’s fine! In fact, in many ways, it’s WONDERFUL. Don’t believe us? Well here are exactly 31 reasons why we’re doing just great, thanks for asking!

https://twitter.com/figwidow/status/1359501974216007681

1. you can do Baby Foot as much as you want which is the ultimate disgusting thing to do by yourself (which I have done FIVE TIMES in quarantine so far)
2. an opportunity to reflect on past experiences and get more in touch with your deeper desires, and what you’re looking for moving forward
3. freedom of not being suffocated by the constant presence of another person/other people
4. nobody cares if you showered in the last week
5. the devastating solitude gives you more time to work/make stuff/get new hobbies
6. yes, the never-ending silence really lends itself to um, clarity?
7. endless time to wrap your mind around what was really wrong with all of your exes
8. or, time to think about how if I died in this apartment nobody would know for weeks
9. really strong bonding with your cat
10. you can catch up on all the movies you’ve never seen so if this ever ends and you’re ever on a date again you can talk about those movies, or you can just stare into space and rewatch very bad reality shows you’ve already seen for no reason while eating peanut butter from the jar, feeling nothing
11. also a great time to read the books you kept saying you were gonna read
12. the most obvious answer is midday masturbation on the couch in the living room
13. definitely not having to see someone else’s stupid face every day, for all the rest of the days, 24 hours at a time with no break
14. one! half! less! laundry! which really matters in a pandemic when we are all too depressed to do laundry to begin with anyway
15. having lots of time in the day to sharpen your humor about your crush never texting you back, and then launching them on your group chat like a comedy set
16. sleep dead center of the middle of the bed, spread eagle
17. taking obnoxiously long showers until you use up all the hot water, just for yourself
18. reading a brand new book in bed at night, Cardi B playing off your phone at full volume, with all the lights on everywhere even though its like 2am
19. a box of brownie mix and a bottle of rosé can be dinner if you believe in yourself  (bonus points for adding peanut butter for “protein”)
20. middle of the night sob cries
21. also, midday sob cries
22. nobody has to know the disgusting secret meals you make for yourself which is a plus
23. a lot of time to dramatically alter your appearance so the next time anyone ever sees you you can make a dramatic entrance! if you feel like it
24. you can feel very smug about your friends complaining about their partners
25. you have SO MUCH TIME to overthink your last interaction with a hot person and analyze every angle to figure out how you embarrassed yourself
26. will you ever meet a hot person again? probably not, no, maybe you ran out, there aren’t any more
27. if you are having a bad mental health time, you can’t really reach out to anyone because everyone is having a bad mental health time, that’s probably my favorite one so far
28. nobody is there to affectionately call me on my shit when i’m being ridiculous and as a result my ridiculousness has multiplied to an absurd degree
29. you can decorate your space the way you always wanted without someone else’s potentially not so great taste getting in the way
30. nobody looks at you sideways when the weird impulse purchases you made at 3 am just to feel something arrive
31. being single during a pandemic means no one can hurt my feelings but me and THAT’S THE WAY I LIKE IT

How about you? What’s the best part of being single in a pandemic? Tell us!

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32 Queer Covers Of Songs by Straight Artists Because Everything’s Better When It’s Gayer

This post was originally published in September 2014 and has been updated and re-vamped with new artists and songs in February 2021.

My friends, I love a cover. I love covers so much I watched every season of Glee. But most of all I love queer covers, aka queer people covering songs. Give me a gay cover! Let us share in this love together? I attempted to only pick songs that had videos where things happened, like people singing for example, but some covers were too good to skip even though their video was audio-only. ALSO I was looking for songs usually by male artists about women so we could have some pronoun fun but also there are exceptions to that as well because of goodness and my personal desires. I also was looking for covers of songs by straight artists but I have indicated where that premise was slightly compromised. Lez begin!

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Miya Folick, “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” (Death Cab for Cutie)

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Tracy Chapman, “Stand By Me” (Ben E King)

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Alex G, “Perfect” (Ed Sheehan)

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Joy Oladokun, “My Girl” (The Temptations)

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Marika Hackman, “Between the Bars” (Elliot Smith)

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Be Steadwell, “Use Somebody” (Kings of Leon)

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Brandi Carlile, “Wildflowers” (Tom Petty)

https://youtu.be/ZPRkpyHUpJU

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Julia Nunes & dodie & Orla Garland, “God is a Woman”  (Ariana Grande)

(as far as i know, orla is not queer, but the other two people in this are!)

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Hayley Kiyoko, “Mr Brightside” (The Killers)

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Rebecca Black, “Love Me Two Times” (The Doors)

Note: Jim Morrisson may have been bisexual.

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Jessica Betts, “I Kissed a Girl” (Katy Perry)

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Japanese Breakfast, “Head Over Heels” (Tears for Fears)

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King Princess, “Happy Together” (The Turtles)

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Joan Jett, “Crimson and Clover” (Tommy James)

https://youtu.be/mHZBBNRrano

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Janelle Monae, “I Want You Back” (The Jackson 5)

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Sara Ramirez, “Chasing Cars” (Snow Patrol)

Unfortunately she is not the only singer on this track but we have what we have

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Demi Lovato, “Take Me To Church” (Hozier)

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Kai Mata, “Riptide” (Vance Joy)

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k.d. lang, “Crazy” (Patsy Cline)

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Katie Melua, “Just Like Heaven” (The Cure)

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Melissa Etheridge, “Brown Eyed Girl” (Van Morrison)

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Indigo Girls, “Romeo and Juliet” (Dire Straits)

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Holly Miranda, “Lover You Should’ve Come Over” (Jeff Buckley)

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Me’Shell NdegéOcello, “Who Is He and What Is He To You” (Bill Withers)

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St. Vincent, “Lithium” (Nirvana cover, performed with surviving members of Nirvana)

Note: Kurt Cobain was possibly bisexual but this has not been definitively declared. Also Pat Smear is bisexual.

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Lily Brown, “Rude” (Magic)

This song is actually unbearable in its heterosexual version but delightful when it’s gay.

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Mary Lambert, “Teenage Dirtbag” (Wheatus)

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Tayla Parks, “What’s Going On” (Marvin Gaye)

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Halsey “Sucker” (Jonas Brothers)

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K’s Choice, “Yellow” (Coldplay)

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Tegan & Sara, “Dancing in the Dark” (Bruce Springsteen)

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Santana Lopez and Brittany S Pierce, “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” (Whitney Houston)

Take Care of Yourself with 9 Toys Under $50 and $75

This post is sponsored by Wet For Her.

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After the holidays money is low but the stress is still kind of high. All you want to do is unwind, take down the tree, put the menorah away, and put the Christmas lights back in your room above the bed where they belong. You probably spent so much time and money taking care of and treating everyone else for the past month that you forgot about yourself.

I’m here with the crew from Wet For Her to bring you back to center and put yourself first — all without completely tanking your bank account. For me, one of the top ways to get back to myself and destress is to get in tune with my body, and I do that by masturbating. Touching, caressing, stroking myself and getting sweaty in my bed, in the bath, or on the couch just makes me remember that at the end of the day I always have to prioritize me.

Wet For Her has plenty of toys that can take your partnered sex to the next level, but they also have lots that are fantastic for solo play and won’t break the bank — these are just a few faves!

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Solo Play Toys for under $75

Fusion Dildo ($69.95)

This dildo does double-time; when you’re interested in partnered sex you can slip it into an O-ring harness, but when you want time alone you can use it sans harness! One of the top draws for me to this toy is the non-realistic look; there are no bumps and curves that mimic the real thing, which makes for a silky soft and sweet playtime. It comes in three different sizes so you can choose the one that’s perfect for you.

RockHer Mini Scissoring Vibrator ($69.95)

A bunch of us want to get to know the G-spot, and that can be hard or feel high-pressure to do when you’re having partnered sex. You can use the RockHer to explore new depths as much as you want! 10 different vibe settings add to the experience and you can opt to use it just for clitoral play. A cute surprise? If you do insert it for G-Spot play, the ring will frame your clit while inside of you so you can let your other hand do a little easy extra work.

Summer Strap-On Dildo ($55.95)

A suction cup-based dildo, with bumps and colors that kinda match my bathroom? Sign me up. If you’re someone who enjoys feeling full (Hi Hello it’s me) then this is the one for you. Yes, it’s strap on compatible which is again, great when you’re in the mood for partnered play but the powerful suction cup base is your best friend for when you’re feeling selfish. Imagine popping this on the edge of your tub (or close your toilet lid and plop it there), stroke it with your fav water-based lube, and ride away to your heart’s content.

Quaker Plus Anal Dildo ($52.76)

This one is for y’all who are by no means new to ass play; it’s 8 inches long with stacked beads that graduate in size and made out of smooth silicone. The motor in this one is quiet but quite powerful, so wouldn’t suggest this for those who aren’t at least a mid-level booty player. The vibes last for an hour which is just enough time to warm up and get ready to quake with all kinds of joy.

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Solo Play Toys for under $50

Dildo Five ($49.95)

Another great dildo on the list, this one is excellent for beginners. It’s enough to make you feel full but won’t give you that heavy feeling that sometimes come with it. Great for using alone but also compatible with several O-ring type harnesses! I like that this one has a bit of a curve and the flat base fits right in the palm of my hand, making for perfect grip ability.

Suki ($45.95)

Suction toys have moved to the tip-top of my solo play list! They take a bit to adjust to and if you’re like me you’ll have to work your way up the vibe settings but you’ll have SO MUCH FUN DOING IT. The Suki has 10 suction modes, 6 vibe levels, and a finger grip to help you keep it in place while you play. Suction toys are incredible in water and will make bathtime a blast. If you’re worried about how to clean it, it’s simple! Just wipe it clean with your favorite cleaner, make sure to get into the opening, and dry it face down on a clean towel.

Two Fingers Extender ($33.96)

So get this, it may surprise you (insert sarcasm here) to find out that I am a femme who loves her acrylic nails and shall remove them for absolutely none of you. During partnered play, folks get used to and enjoy them or we opt out and fuck other ways. During solo play, This toy is solid for when I want the feel of finger penetration but can’t quite get deep enough with my own. Slip them over your acrylic tipped fingers and get at it baby! Bonus, if you enjoy masturbating while laying on your tummy — this is gonna change the game and hit all the right spots.

Rechargeable Bullet Vibrator ($29.95)

Everyone needs a trusty bullet vibe; they’re compact and always do the trick. The great thing about this one is that it’s rechargeable; you don’t have to worry about rummaging around your side table drawer or stealing the batteries out of some remote just to be sure you can get off. It’s also waterproof for those of you who happen to turn into a slip-n-slide when you really hit the right spot.

Planets Glass Dildo ($22.95)

Glass dildos are amazing plus perfect for temperature play, and a solid way to explore just how much you’re into it is to try it out alone. This stacked glass toy is on the larger side so it’s great for those who have already worked their way up, or really good if you want to start trying to! Made from shatterproof glass and easy to clean when you’re done playing.

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So if you have it, spend a little bit and get yourself a treat. Take care of yourself now — and you can be Wet For Her later.

25 Questions to Make Conversation with on a First Date

We’re revisiting this classic Autostraddle piece on queer dating as we get back to dating basics in partnership with HER’s Queer Dating 101, a series of live edutainment events that brings in concrete how-tos, insights, experts and some of your favorite Autostraddle personalities to help you find love (or whatever you’re looking for) in the time of corona. Check out the event on Nailing the First Date, complete with a live first date followed by a loving critique, TONIGHT 1/19 at 6pm PT | 9pm ET!

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It can be tough to figure out conversation for the first date — something in between the first ten minutes of establishing where you both work/how totally fine this small-plates place is and delving into all your childhood trauma. A relatable icon for adult dating is Real Women Have Curves‘ Ana García bringing index cards of conversation topics to her first date. To that end, here are X open-ended yet casual, chill questions to get to know your date better without it feeling like a job interview or summer camp icebreaker.

1. Is your job now what you imagined doing when you were a kid? What was?
2. What’s the farthest trip from home you’ve made?
3. How did you meet your best friend?
4. What’s your comfort show/book/album?
5. How did you get into doing [hobby]?
6. What superpower would you most like to have?
7. What absurd thing did you believe was true about how the world worked as a kid?
8. Do you have any superstitions?
9. What’s your favorite thing to shop for?
10. Do you have a guilty pleasure TV show or movie?
11. What’s your favorite thing about where you work/live?
12. What’s your karaoke song?
13. What were the urban myths where you grew up?
14. What’s your favorite holiday to celebrate?
15. Who in your life could you put up with being trapped on a desert island indefinitely?
16. Do you believe in ghosts?
17. What TV character do you most relate to?
18. What would your dream house look like?
19. What did you grow up thinking was universal because your family did it, and then realized later it wasn’t?
20. Where have you always wanted to travel to?
21. What ending to a TV show did you hate?
22. What was your clique in high school?
23. Were you a group projects person or do you hate them?
24. Do you believe in astrology? (Lol)
25. What’s the best sandwich you’ve ever eaten?

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What questions do you like best for getting to know new people? (Also would love to hear your answers! Especially to 8 and 16.)

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Want to learn more? Register for Nailing the First Date tonight, 1/19/2021 at 6pm PT | 9pm ET!

69 Queer and Feminist Books Coming Your Way in Winter 2020 and 2021

December

Mediocre: The Dangerous Legacy of White Male America by Ijeoma Oluo (December 1)

The Love Curse of Melody McIntyre by Robin Talley (December 1)

Why Letter Ellipses by Kimberly Alidio (December 1)

Juliet Takes a Breath: Graphic Novel by Gabby Rivera and Celia Moscote (December 1)

Ritu Weds Chandni by Ameya Narvankar (December 1)

If You Dare by Sandy Lowe (December 1)

Sometimes You Have to Lie: The Life and Times of Louise Fitzhugh, Renegade of Harriet the Spy by Leslie Brody (December 1)

Party Favors by Erin McLellan (December 1)

The Good Girls by Claire Eliza Bartlett (December 1)

Black Futures by Kimberly Drew and Jenna Wortham (December 1)

Crosshairs by Catherine Hernandez (December 8)

Femme Like Her by Fiona Zedde (December 8)

Trans-Galactic Bike Ride: Feminist Bicycle Science Fiction Stories of Transgender and Nonbinary Adventures by Lydia Rogue and Elly Blue (December 8)

All Aglow: A Lesbian Christmas Romance by Bryce Oakley (December 11)

From the Woods by Charlotte Greene (December 15)

16 Steps to Forever by Georgia Beers (December 15)

This Is How We Fly by Anna Meriano (December 15)

Get It Right by Skye Kilaen (December 15)

Moonstruck Volume 3: Troubled Waters by Grace Ellis, Shae Beagle, and Claudia Aguirre (December 15)

Blue by Abigail Padgett (December 15)

Streetwalking: LGBTQ Lives and Protest in the Dominican Republic by Ana-Maurine Lara (December 18)

A Comprehensive Guide to Intersex by Jay Kyle Peterson (December 21)

Wound from the Mouth of a Wound by Torrin A. Greathouse (December 22)

January

Scent by Kris Bryant (January 1)

Journey to Cash by Ashley Bartlett (January 1)

Veterinary Technician by Nancy Wheelton (January 1)

White Feminism: From the Suffragettes to Influencers and Who They Leave Behind by Koa Beck (January 5)

Outlawed by Anna North (January 5)

Persephone Station by Stina Leicht (January 5)

Goldie Vance: The Hocus Pocus Hoax by Lilliam Rivera and Brittney Williams (January 5)

Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters (January 7)

The Ruthless Lady’s Guide to Wizardry by C.M. Waggoner (January 12)

Aftershocks by Nadia Owusu (January 12)

Choosing Grace by Regina Jamison (January 14)

Last Night at the Telegraph Club by Malinda Lo (January 19)

Wench by Maxine Kaplan (January 19)

Everybody (Else) Is Perfect: How I Survived Hypocrisy, Beauty, Clicks, and Likes by Gabrielle Korn (January 26)

Night Tide by Anna Burke (January 26)

When Tara Met Farah by Tara Pammi (January 26)

Let Me Tell You What I Mean by Joan Didion (January 26)

The Girls I’ve Been by Tess Sharpe (January 26)

Just As I Am by Cicely Tyson (January 26)

The Devil You Know: A Black Power Manifesto by Charles M Blow (January 26)

Don’t Forget to Water the Flowers by Jasmin Lankford (January)

February

Masquerade by Anne Shade (February 1)

Body Language by Renee Roman (February 1)

Devil Incarnate by Ali Vali (February 1)

Love Is an Ex-Country by Randa Jarrar (February 2)

Land of Big Numbers by Te-Ping Chen (February 2)

Milk Fed by Melissa Broder (February 2)

This Golden Flame by Emily Victoria (February 2)

Tell No Tales: Pirates of the Southern Seas by Sam Maggs and Kendra Wells (February 9)

We Play Ourselves by Jen Silverman (February 9)

Fireheart Tiger by Aliette de Bodard (February 9)

The Gilded Ones by Namina Forna (February 9)

Kink: Stories edited by R.O Kwon and Garth Greenwell (February 9)

Breaking Out by Lise MacTague (February 11)

The Echo Wife by Sarah Gailey (February 16)

Soulstar by C.L. Polk (February 16)

My Favorite Thing Is Monsters, Vol 2 by Emil Ferris (February 18)

Confident Women: Swindlers, Grifters, and Shapeshifters of the Feminine Persuasion by Tori Telfer (February 23)

Love is For Losers by Wibke Brueggemann (February 23)

Honey Girl by Morgan Rogers (February 23)

It’s Been a Pleasure, Noni Blake by Claire Christian (February 23)

Mazie by Melanie Crowder (February 23)

A Dark and Hollow Star by Ashley Shuttleworth (February 23)

Infinite Country by Patricia Engel (February 23)

Sing for My Baby by Jenn Matthews (February)

Modern English by Rachel Spangler (February)

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Every James Bond Theme Song, Ranked by Their Lesbian Energy

As a kid, I spent a lot of time being the go-between with my feuding parents. When they weren’t telling me how much they didn’t like each other they were probably not talking to me at all. When I was with my mom we were often out running errands and maybe going on “I’m sorry” shopping excursions. When I was with my dad, we watched movies. Mostly horror and action films. The films I enjoyed watching most of all were James Bond movies.

I came to the James Bond franchise when Pierce Brosnan took over the role. All of the other heads of the franchise I had to search out on my own. I loved Bond’s style, the suits, the gadgets, the music, the women! It was a life I couldn’t get over, its sexiness and allure. I wanted that life. The life of a spy tantalized me. I didn’t want to be a Bond girl, I wanted to be Bond.

I knew I was gay young but I should have known the moment I would imagine myself in a suit kissing a beautiful woman in a dimly lit hotel room. The James Bond themes are iconic. There are people I want to see do a Bond theme, I think Moses Sumney would crush it. But we are not here to theorize about who would be the next best lead for the series. We are here to rank every existing theme from 1-25 based on the song’s lesbian energy, with 1 having the most lesbian energy of them all. Doing this required me to listen to every song multiple times so if you see me walking around with a sleeker walk it’s because I’m a spy in my head and you’re all wondering how I’m so mysterious and sexy.

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25. “The Man With The Golden Gun” — Lulu (1974)

This song is probably my least favorite of all of the Bond themes. It’s frantic, buzzy, and the vocals are screeching instead of the smooth coolness I’ve come to associate with Bond. It’s honestly a little laughable. It listens more like an Austin Powers theme than a Bond theme.

As far as lesbian energy goes, it’s not giving an ounce. Almost all of the Bond themes contain lyrics about Bond himself or a villain he is facing (with notable exceptions). But listening to the lead singer warble about the man with the Golden Gun just dried me right up. The instrumentation is more chaotic bisexual than lesbian, in my opinion. It just doesn’t do a lot for me, moving on.

24. “Live and Let Die” — Wings (1973)

God this song. What a mess. I don’t have a lot to say about it. There are some great drum moments in it, but then it devolves into a manic mess. I normally will consider horns gay but there are not enough in this song to save it. Thankfully this song is as mercifully short as it is heterosexual.

23. “A View to Kill” — Duran Duran (1985)

I like this song, with lyrics like “dance into the fire” my quarantined body can’t help but want to move. Bond themes usually take this sort of dancey-pop route or the gravely serious ballad route. Duran Duran can do a ballad but I think they are far more known for songs like this. It’s not really giving much lesbian energy though, but it’s getting points for the 80’s fashion and hair Duran Duran used to give and that’s at least a little lesbian. Lots of mullets and shoulder pads.

22. “The Living Daylights” — a-ha (1987)

Here’s another song I would choreograph a dance to in my spare time. a-ha’s lead singer Morten Harket’s (yes I had to google this) voice is sort of warbly and has a tinge of longing in it that I can recognize as uniquely dykey. At least more dykey than the songs previous. Combine this with the sax that starts to come in during the final third of this song and we’re starting to ease our way into lesbian territory.

21. “No Time to Die” — Billie Eilish (2020)

The lyrics are beautiful and Eilish really delivers vocally. The orchestral nature of this song is what I love in Bond themes. I love a slow, creeping ballad that leads to a big, high, long-held note.

This is also a song about being fooled and as a lesbian myself I can tell you we don’t get fooled too often because we are great judges of character and emotionally educated. Lesbians get fooled but we know we are being fooled and decide that we’re so in love we’re just gonna let it happen anyway. This song doesn’t have that flavor to it which is why it’s so low on the list. Really beautiful job though.

20. “Die Another Day” — Madonna (2002)

This is one of my favorite Bond themes. It starts in this very dramatic way that leads into a synthy, poppy hit. It gets some lesbian points because randomly at the beginning of the song she says “Sigmund Freud, analyze this” and the lesbians I know are either arguing with Freud’s thought or engaging critically with it in a positive way. Let’s be honest. Madonna is a gay icon. But is she a lesbian icon? Not really! Also, “Die Another Day”? A good lesbian is gonna wanna get right down to work and die as soon as possible. Why put off tomorrow what you can do today?

19: “You Know My Name” — Chris Cornell (Casino Royale, 2006)

There’s something so confident about titling a song “You Know My Name.” Like bitch I don’t even have to say it, perfect, I love it.

This song gives me the energy of an older butch lesbian that has an office job but loves fast cars and her goddamn woman. On the weekends she lets loose with a few beers and her favorite classic rock. Something that was released in 2006 can hardly be called classic rock but it has that feel for me. I have met this lesbian and her name is Deb, she calls her partner Sher and they love sitting in their recliners to take the pressure off their feet after a long motorcycle ride along the coast.

18. “Thunderball” — Tom Jones, Don Black, John Barry (1965)

Why this song is so high is news to me but something about the horns in it gives me sapphic vibes. The horn is an instrument of yearning. This song is heavy with it, and as I have said, I love a ballad that reaches it’s climax with a big note. Lesbians known all there is to know about reaching a climax so there ya have it.

17: “Writing’s On The Wall” — Sam Smith (Spectre, 2015)

Sam Smith is incredibly talented and gorgeous. Their voice is memorable and vulnerable and open. I love listening to this song. With lyrics like:

“How do I live? How do I breathe?
When you’re not here I’m suffocating
I want to feel love, run through my blood
Tell me is this where I give it all up?
For you I have to risk it all
‘Cause the writing’s on the wall”

We are definitely in the realm of lesbian co-dependency. This song is a classic unrequited love song which I am frankly very familiar with. The yearning for someone to be there for you unequivocally feels kind of out of step with traditional Bond themes. It is slow and doesn’t really build in the way I like — but it is giving me some lezzy tinges.

16. Skyfall — Adele (2012)

Adele feels hopelessly heterosexual to me.

This song is hardly pulling through on the lesbian front. It is saved by the chorus “let the sky fall, let it crumble, we will stand tall face it all together.” Is there anything more lesbian than staying in a relationship when everything around you seems to be falling apart? I don’t think so.

15. “Another Way To Die” — Alicia Keys and Jack White (Quantum of Solace, 2008)

“SHOOT EM UP BANG BANG”
is a lyric that is yelled in this song. But wait! there are other lyrics, like the opening ones for example:

“I know the player
With the slick
Trigger finger
For her majesty”

slick?? fingers??? come on! COME ON! We can look past the fact that this song is usually incredibly low on lists ranking Bond themes from worst to best. That’s not what we are doing here. This song is carried based on the pure lesbian energy of Ms. Alicia Keys. She might be married and a Mrs. but I’m not motivated enough to look. Ms. Keys gives big stemme energy and so does this song. Like a lean, kinda mean, brown-eyed stemme with a smokey gaze looking at you from the corner of a bar.

Did I mention the song ends with Ms. Keys whispering “bang bang bang bang” like lol we get it the man has guns. The voices of White and Ms. Keys always feel a little out of step with each other which isn’t very lesbian of them so this song doesn’t rank higher.

14. “We Have All The Time In The World” — Louis Armstrong (On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, 1969)

This song has more optimism than most Bond themes have but it is injected with a bit of melancholy if you know the movie, and also recognize the slit hint of it in Armstrong’s deep, resonant voice. Being the most famous horn player known to man, one might not think Louis Armstrong exudes big lesbian energy. But it’s less about him and more about the sentimentality of the song.

13. “For Your Eyes Only” — Sheena Easton (1981)

This is one of the slower ballads in the franchise. This song for me calls to mind one of those lesbians who’s newly in love and everything is glittering and sparkling. Everything is for her or about her. If you’re a friend of this lesbian she’s completely fallen off the map, starts saying things like “maybe I’m an open book because I know you’re mine.” Sounds like oversharing on a first date, you can’t tell me I’m wrong. Also, the cover art for this song is giving me a femme who smokes a lot of cigarettes and asks you for your number without hesitation. She’s confident and in love and nothing can get in her way.

12. “All Time High” — Rita Coolidge (Octopussy, 1983)

“All Time High” gives very similar vibes to For Your Eyes Only. It does sound kind of like the theme to a sitcom and is kinda boring but it was in Octopussy…so…

I mean don’t make me explain myself here. Rita Coolidge is super hot and that’s a very dykey name. “Yeah me and Rita are gonna go down to Redondo Beach and spend a few days together.” You see it, you see it!

11. “James Bond Theme” — John Barry Orchestra (Dr. No, 1962)

The icon herself. The original Bond theme. The strumming on that guitar lets me know there was some exceptional finger play at work and that is incredibly sexy. Forget what that mouf do, let’s talk about those fingers dude. This song makes me think about shadows and skulking around corners, it thrills me and excites me.

It also gets major lesbian points for being the only lyrics-less song on the list. Sometimes you gotta say it all by saying nothing at all, you know what I mean?

10. “Moon Raker” — Shirley Bassey (1979)

Did somebody say THE MOON, did somebody say SHIRLEY BASSEY. Shirley Bassey has done three Bond themes and all three of them broke the top ten. That’s commitment and we know a thing or two about commitment on this side of the Kinsey scale.

“Moon Raker” is wistful and dreamy, not my favorite bond theme but sounds like something out of Disney movie after the Princess has found her true destiny and decides she doesn’t need to fall in love to achieve it.

9. “You Only Live Twice” — Nancy Sinatra (1967)

Something about Nancy Sinatra just screams lesbian to me. This song is very psychedelic and calls to mind something that I would have heard in Daughters of Darkness. I like the subversion of the popular saying “you only live once.” This song is breaking rules like a gender fucked lesbian who uses they/them pronouns and works at a bike shop.

8. “From Russia, With Love” — Matt Monro (1963)

This one is laughably gay. From “Russia with Love”? Russia is where your long-distance lover that you met on Lex lives. You have to spend all your sky miles to fly to her only to spend a few days with your new true love. My ex once taught herself Russian so she could sing “All The Things She Said” in its original language, so I associate Russian things with big gay commitment energy. Also, Matt Monro has a voice that carries on as a lesbian would.

7. “Nobody Does it Better” — Carly Simon (The Spy Who Loved Me, 1977)

This one is for the newly out lesbian that just had sex with a woman for the first time. She had eight orgasms and wasn’t sure that was possible beforehand. Nobody does it better indeed. Simon croons, “why’d you have to be so good” at one point which I think is something I’ve said during sex before. This song is imploring and exalting.

Being a lesbian makes me feel sad for the heterosexual women that seem to exist in circles outside of mine. This song really does give off the intensity of someone that’s just had really great sex and wants to tell you about it right this moment.

6. “Goldeneye” — Tina Turner (1995)

Now this song is sleek and sexy. It again makes me think of skulking around corners but this time I’m in a catsuit with a golden gun. I, of course, am too beautiful to know how to use a gun so it’s merely for effect here. It’s got a great beat and Tina Turner’s voice itself is cat-like and enticing.

This song gives me more villain than a hero and what’s queerer than a villain. The lyrics read like a woman who is ready to get revenge, and my Scorpio placements are all about that.

5. “Goldfinger” — Shirley Bassey (1964)

This song starts bold with horns screaming right in your ear. Then Shirley Bassey’s distinct, almost growling voice comes in, at points sounding operatic. It’s got “finger” in the title so we’re already off to the races with the lesbian aura. There’s also talk of a “web of sin” and golden words being poured into your ear. Sounds to me like I’m being lulled into a relationship by an emotionally unavailable stud with a cold heart who will definitely break mine given the chance.

Also, every kiss from a woman is the kiss of death. Have you ever kissed a woman? You’re done afterward. Absolutely spent. And the way Bassey holds the final note is about as close as a song can get to an orgasm so there’s that.

4. “License to Kill” — Gladys Knight (1989)

I love this song. I love this song. It’s so goddamn good.

I would love to see it in the lesbian reboot of a Bond film. For years I’ve been screaming about how I want a movie about a sexy woman spy whose beautiful wife gets kidnapped by one of her rivals and so the whole movie is her getting back to her beautiful wife, culminating with a tantalizing kiss. The lyrics “got a license to kill anyone who tries to tear us apart” gives me two overly-commital lesbians who will do anything for each other even though everyone around them knows they are destined for failure. I just love “gotta license to kill and you know I’m going straight for your heart.” Like HELL YES SHOOT EM UP BANG BANG!!

Gladys Knight is one of our most gifted vocalist, a living legend, the fact that she lent her voice to the Bond franchise should have them on their knees kissing her feet. Again, this song is just so good. It’s got the vehemence of two dykes in love and the whispery background vocals kill me every time.

3. “The World is Not Enough” — Garbage (1999)

The sweeping entrance of this song makes me think of running through a field or up a spiral staircase. The strings are grand and indulgent. The vocals are slithery and seductive. Like a woman in a slip of a dress, this song is super hot. I’m imagining a femme for femme fatale couple, every look they give is deadly and they are clearly so into each other that it makes everyone around them a little horny by association.

2. “Diamonds are Forever” — Shirley Bassey (1973)

I know “diamonds are a girl’s best friend” is a saying that straight women love to put on their Instagram captions or have on tacky home decor. But Diamonds are Forever? Completely different story. Diamonds are Forever is a high femme mistress who probably gets diamonds from her male clients but exclusively loves women.

This song also has one of my favorite lyrics ever: “unlike men, the diamonds linger. Men are mere mortals who are not worth going to your grave for.” The way she says “men” with such disdain! A man-hating lesbians anthem!! Take the money and diamonds and run baby. Shirley Bassey’s voice is so powerful and commanding, the way she purs “stimulate and tease […]touch it, stroke it, and caress it” is just everything you could ever want in a song.

1. “Tomorrow Never Dies” — Sheryl Crow (1997)

This might be my most listened to Bond theme. Something about solo female guitarists gives me big BIG lesbian energy except for Taylor Swift. But 90s female solo guitarists really had it. Rocking vests as shirts! Lots of leather! Big hair and dark lips!  Sheryl Crow just kind of sings like a lesbian would, too. You know what I mean, the way she kinda purs “it’s so deadly my dear, the power of having you near” and then launches into full-throated screaming in the chorus.

Why does this song have the number one spot? It’s hard to explain, it’s all in the fashion and the vocal performance. At points Crow is restrained and at an almost whisper, but then that chorus hits, and it’s like she really wants to show you what that mouth can do. She’s oscillating between extremes like a relationship between two mismatched women held together exclusively by great sex. We’ve all been there before.

The song itself sort of reads like an end of a relationship song, unlike many of the other themes that are about being at the start or in the throws of love. This song is great and a favorite of mine for a reason. It’s usually in the top ten for best Bond songs so I’m not the only one that thinks so. But this list, arguably the most hard-hitting and important, is the one that you should be most painfully aware of.

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As I said, many of these songs are about being in love and lesbians love that more than anything, so just about all of them have a tinge of lesbian energy. Fight your mama on this one. It made me feel like a hard-hitting journalist as I drank my apple juice with my headphones on full blast listening to these songs. I am a little curious what your ranking would be though, so let me know!

Dykes and Their Emotional Support Albums

The holiday season makes me immediately think of corny holiday movies where the “ghost of Christmas past” comes back to haunt some poor soul who isn’t quite ready to face the music. The weather calls for it. Where I live, the sight of white snowcaps and icy streets in a dark morning call to mind a time for reflection. Winter is the time where things begin to turn and start over, so of course movies like these are on almost every channel and streaming network. Being in isolation has only made me want to watch these movies more, even though I am the definition of a grinch.

Think of all the dykes in your life. The ones that have come and gone, those that stayed and are maybe your friends, lovers, coworkers. Now imagine that each of them has come back into your life all at once. What do they say to you, what are they wearing, how are they coping? I know that I lean heavily on music during difficult times, so I can’t help but imagine what each dyke stereotype of your past is listening to during COVID lockdowns.

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The Vegan: Fetch the Bolt Cutters — Fiona Apple

Chances are The Vegan talked your ear off about how this new Fiona Apple album was gonna shit on the other girls (and it did, it was phenomenal, Shameika a household name!) for weeks before the album actually dropped.

Why not any other Fiona Apple album? Oh she’s got them all on rotation but this one is just hitting her right in that empathetic rage she’s got festering due to an ineffective government careless with the lives of its citizens. The Vegan is in crisis because this level of mass suffering is not something she was prepared for outside of animal cruelty documentaries available on Netflix. She’s distraught and has probably been racking her brain about how to “get involved” and help people on any grounds that she can. Her song of choice from this album? “Ladies,” of course. Because she’s gay and the way Apple croons “LADIES LADIES LADIES LADIES” is enough to get any dyke a little smug and hot. Also because you’re still “only eating chicken” and refuse to go full vegan. Yet another woman to whom I won’t get through, am I right?

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The Harper: Anything by Sufjan Stevens

I could have simply called this “The Closet Case” but there is a very specific kind of closeted lesbian we’re talking about here and she is so perfectly portrayed by Mackenzie Davis in Happiest Season. Is that song about the Lord or another man Sufjan would like to consume, who’s to say!

The Harper is probably listening to “The Only Thing” and staring longingly out the window thinking about her life, her choices, and the love she could have if she just opened herself a litttttle bit more. As The Harper struggles with questions of whether she is ready to come out, she can listen to the breathy, feathered vocals of sweet Sufjan; the perfect companion for the isolation hornies.

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Your Toxic Ex: Ctrl — SZA

Oh boy oh boy oh boy. Your toxic ex has absolutely texted you during this ordeal because she was “just thinking of you” and hoping you’re making it through all this. She’s so fucking hot and so dangerous for you. She knows you’re not single and she probably isn’t either, all the more reason to crank up “Love Galore” and scream sing “WHY YOU BOTHER ME WHEN YOU KNOW YOU GOTTA WOMAN!” as if she isn’t the architect of her own mess. She’s furloughed or has outright lost her job and is probably spending all that time thinking of you and every other woman she has ruined without realizing the damage she’s done.

That lack of self-awareness and the cheating is exactly why you left her, you hear me? You left her for a reason! It doesn’t help that Ctrl is an absolutely classic album with legendary bops on it. Your toxic ex will probably lie about having a negative test and swears she’s just coming over to see you and make sure your okay. When that strap is inches deep in you and she’s ordering you to cum you’ll be wondering how exactly you got here.

Listen, when SZA said “real niggas do not deserve pussy” she was talking to Me and YOU! Don’t give it up mama I believe in you!

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The Lex Lover: Blonde — Frank Ocean

The Lex Lover is your one dyke friend or acquaintance that moved across the country to date someone they met on Lex (or another dating app). It only took her about 3 months to make that decision, but the vibes were so strong that she couldn’t resist. Now they are quarantining together and passing COVID to each other like spoonfuls of homemade Borscht.

The Lex Lover is at the point in the relationship where she’s having some regrets about how swiftly she moved in with an almost stranger all because her loins were screaming. She’s probably confided in you too soon in a completely unrelated conversation about these regrets and now you’re stuck with the weight of watching this person you kinda know dissolve a relationship. But hey, all dyke drama is good dyke drama. She’s probably gonna put on Godspeed and sing to it while she’s driving down a dusty, empty road in the middle of nowhere town she moved to, living this cottage core life. Who will take the chickens in the divorce? A sad story indeed.

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The Farm Dyke: Rumor Has It — Reba McEntire

The Farm Dyke is closely related to the Lex Lover, but The Farm Dyke was raised on a farm and doesn’t just wear Carhartt as a fashion statement. She gets up early to make the coffee and tend to the horses, and look longingly out the window toward a love she can only yearn for. Lockdown has made Farm Dyke very sentimental for her exes or the secret love she’s been pining after recently. The woman she’s been yearning for recently is probably an older dyke who has a farm just down the road. Name is probably Sheila and she’s got a working woman’s hands. The Farm Dyke can sing, and mainly listens to classic country, even the problematic kind. She only talks about Dolly Parton and Reba though. She’ll put on You Lie and wash the dishes in that enviable farm sink as she stares at the sunset just beyond the window.

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Miss Empath: Hounds of Love — Kate Bush

Maybe the most annoying of them all, Miss Empath will not stop talking about what an empath she is. She can’t help it, she just feels things more than most. Broken people? Don’t get her started! They cling to her lick magnets. Once she’s done “healing” them, she has to think, “who will heal me?” Miss Empath doesn’t do anything but talk about how they are the center of everyone else’s world. They don’t recognize how self-centered they are because they spend their time dwelling in self-centered emotion. They are very emotional!

That’s why Kate Bush’s Hounds of Love is their comfort album. They like to listen to the slow, contemplative Mother Stands For Comfort and perform a choreographed dance. She’s not a dancer though, please refer to her as a movement artist only!

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The Poet: Grae — Moses Sumney

The Poet has been using her time away from her job to write and write constantly. She’s been yelling at you to stop buying your books on Amazon no matter how fast they get to you. Use Bookshop.org or buy directly from the publisher! The Poet has been writing quarantine poems about longing and The Body, how much she misses the religion of touch. Have you heard of Aracelis Girmay? Oh, you have to read The Black Maria, it won a Whiting Award (seriously though please read more poetry)!

When the Poet isn’t drinking coffee and staring into the blank page, she is listening to music. Earlier this year when Moses Sumney put out Grae, her whole life was changed. With songs like Gagarin and Colour, it’s hard to choose which one song she leans on the most for comfort. Sumney’s tantalizing vocals and remarkable range (and his daring fashion) make The Poet see the poet in him, and therein lies the importance. The Poet only truly admires other poets which is why she hasn’t texted you back yet. Maybe if you could pronounce Aracelis Girmay she’d be a little more inclined to notice you. The Poet has only kissed you but only that has had you hooked ever since so you’ll put up with the fact that she’s a “bad texter” and frequently responds in lines of verse when you ask how she is.

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The Older Dyke: Toni Braxton — Toni Braxton

Everyone on this list wants to fuck the Older Dyke. She’s got a car, a house, a rescued pit bull, and gray hair. She has some job where she works with her hands a lot and everyone finds that incredibly sexy. Depending on where you are, the Older Dyke can be between 40-60 years old. No matter where she lies on the spectrum she’s got it going on and you want a slice of whatever she’s serving. The question remains if she’d want anything to do with your young ass.

The Older Dyke doesn’t play games, she’s very open with communication, affectionate, giving, caring; her only downfall is that she only dates women ten years older than you are. Somehow through all this, she’s been able to keep her job, we love an essential worker. When she isn’t working, she’s sitting out back with her dog around a fire or sculpting in her home studio. She once winked at you and it was better than anything anyone has ever offered you before.

When she’s sitting around that fire what is she listening to? “Seven Whole Days” by Toni Braxton, from an era where black women were truly SINGING about heartbreak and the men they loved were singing about breaking those hearts. Braxton’s signature velvet voice is one that brings comfort to her heart and a little sway to her hips. She’ll lip sync and dance with abandon and that’s just another reason why you’re in love with her.

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The Tenderqueer: Stranger in the Alps — Phoebe Bridgers

The Tenderqueer can’t stop and won’t stop engaging in sexuality and gender discourse on Twitter. Every bad take makes you roll your eyes a little deeper, but they are only 21, and you were that young and silly once, too. One thing you admire about them is how openly and boldly queer they are. They refuse to shrink and that’s a super power. However, they just aren’t sure when to shut up. They dress in bright, pastel colors and paint words onto their fingernails like “butch” and “soft”. As you can probably imagine they are not doing super well during stay-at-home orders. They miss going on dates to the cemetery and then texting the poor girl after to say “I wish I had kissed you.” After said date, they come home to listen to a little Phoebe Bridgers. They love “Punisher” but really feel that “Motion Sickness” describes every hardship they’ve ever gone through.

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The Mean Femme: Sign O The Times — Prince

She’s bold, she’s dangerous, she’s here to tell the Tenderqueer to hush. It’s the Mean Femme. With nails as sharp as her perfect cat eye, The Mean Femme is sure to make you quiver with a mix of fear and ecstasy. You and Mean Femme maybe hooked up a couple times, it didn’t work out, and so you decided it was best to be friends. You’re probably better for it, getting devoured by her was something that sent a shiver up your spine. What makes her so mean? She’s been out since she was like 10 and had to endure the homophobia of every adult that crossed her path as she moved through the world as an out preteen. She developed a thick skin young and expects everyone in her life to have the same skin. She’s definitely a leatherdyke and somehow always has adoring men and women buying her the things she wants the most. Let’s be honest, you envy her. Her fashion sense, her body, her desires and whims. She’s something to behold. She loves Prince more than she loves diamonds and pearls. He was probably formative in her discovering her sexuality and sensuality. Sign O The Times is one album she puts on because she has exquisite taste, particularly If I Was Your Girlfriend. That song and Prince in general perfectly encapsulates what she envisions as seduction.

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THE LHB: Walk Under Ladders — Joan Armatrading

The Long Haired Butch would like you to think her comfort album is a hip hop album from the 80s or something. But that girl is as soft as anyone and she leans on the smooth vocal stylings of Joan Armatrading to get her through the loneliness that has been the past 10 months.

She’s a December baby and thought that she would be able to celebrate her birthday this year and the reality has got her very down. The LHB is the OG bad texter, but she’s your friend, so you tolerate it. The two of you are probably in a COVID pod together so you’re in the car when she’s driving around cry-singing The Weakness In Me. The LHB either came out very young or much later in her life and either way her community means more to her than anything. She tries to stay out of drama but loves to gossip with you about who’s dating who and who’s the most annoying person you both know. She’s a damn good friend, one that you wouldn’t dream of replacing. When you are in crisis, she’s there. She may not be this reliable in her romantic relationships but damnit she tries!

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The Goblin: Germ Free Adolescents — X-Ray Spex

The Goblin will voluntarily refer to themselves as a goblin. They probably have a name like Wrench and questionable shower habits. How exactly you know The Goblin is a much a mystery as where they got their last meal. Was it Tinder? A house party? Who can say for sure, certainly not you.

The Goblin is struggling because they can’t bum an herbal spliff from one of the queer witches they were fucking before lockdown. They are the perfect balance of a dyke that goes to hardcore shows and one that will make you kombucha with strawberries they got from a community garden. The Goblin may smell like a hoagie but they are for whatever reason absolutely phenomenal in bed which is why y’all know each other. They are probably an Aries and really revel in that chaotic energy. When they aren’t calling old friends to vent about the current state of the world and railing against the laughable circumstance that is a Biden presidency, they are probably texting your nipple pics and saying they wish you’d come over. Their song of choice? “Germ-Free Adolescents” for Poly Styrene’s unique voice.

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Which of these dyke stereotypes do you know? Which ones did I leave off the list? What is YOUR emotional support album? Sign off in the comments!