Listling Without Commentary: Readers’ Descriptions Of Long-Lost Books From Whatsthatbook.com
whatsthatbook.com
Ever struggle to recall the name of a book you read and perhaps even loved? Annoyed that none of your friends can remember what the title is of that book about the Japanese guy looking for his missing wife that involves a weird teenage girl and maybe a well or a parallel universe or something?
On whatsthatbook.com, passionate readers can crowdsource figuring out “what the hell the book was called.” It’s a brilliant concept for a website. Unfortunately many readers never get the answers they seek and sometimes what’s more shocking is those that do, such as “Girl’s step-mom drinking her period blood” (“Innocence” by Jane Mendelsohn) and “book from 70s/80s, girl named Laura, goes to Catskills for summer with parents, comes back to NY alone, gets drunk and gets in trouble, sees Woody Allen” (“The Rise and Fall of a Teenage Wacko” by Mary Anderson). There are a lot of people out there looking for a book about a teenager who falls in love with a ghost, sidenote.
Below we have listed the subject lines from 40 of the nearly 5,000 posts created by users of the whatsthatbook Fiction Forum.
40 Book Descriptions From What’s That Book Dot Com:
1. wealthy southern family who got rich with early airconditioning w/ fat heroine who gardens
2. woman electrecutes overbearing mother in law via the lawnmower
3. Narrated by cat in small village, maybe English, dog kills evil nurse
4. Looking for a book about a biracial girl who goes with her mother and friend to a lesbian beach
5. burned girl lives by cemetary talks to dead, dead have jobs, one is a baby that always cries
6. girl killed in car wreck father puts her brain in a gorilla’s
7. girl goes on a ship. has lice. whips an old man. and finds out many crew secrets
8. lonely girl experiments with male and female lovers before being attacked by her stalker on the final page
9. A couple who doesn’t want kids, he then does, she doesn’t, they fight break up, she then finds out she is pregnant, she goes to abort, she can’t do it, they live happy.
10. a girl visits her grandma and meets an immigrant clown
11. French Nuns in Middle Ages Go Insane, Supposedly Based on Real Events
12. A book where people don’t want to grow up and eventually they kill themselves?
13. Single mum starts a relationship with a clown/balloon animal maker who lives on a canal boat
14. Historical Romance two women travel west (california?) to become brides
15. skinny attractive wealthy woman w short bob – in Hong Kong + lots of parties + bombing
16. Young adult/kid’s, 1990’s – people with huge teeth, heads rest on carts
17. A woman is raised by wolves becomes wild, one baby she has dies and she eats the baby like she saw her wolf mother do
18. A man who didn’t like dogs who grew to love a dog
19. two children walk to school, one gets hit by car
20. Woman jogging finds dead baby, baby had bad disease, set in small town, ends up pregnant at end of book
21. FAERY KILLER, girl moves into new place and neighbour is weird big guy who is a sculptor, turns out he is murdering faeries for sculptures
22. underwater team discovers between plates of ocean floor a perfect society that can recycle souls
23. Girl gets off of train to get brother a donut and train takes off
24. Book from 2000-present, about a girl and a polar bear NOT NORTHERN LIGHTS
25. Boy’s parents buy him a realistic red-headed robot girlfriend.
26. Book about a girl who lives with her grandmother at the sea side. They eat slugs.
27. Niki is Olympic diver then tobacco farmer then campaigns against cigarette companies
28. an ex-Texas Ranger private eye who is adept in judo and plays bridge at master level
29. mix- up at sperm bank, soilder donor meets fullfigured pregnant woman, she throws up
30. Read in early 90s, woman works in corporate world, dies, and wakes up in hell.
31. crime story about some bad guys victimized by a cannibalistic hermit
32. Book about apple orchards and brainwashing. 1997.
33. Two boys grow up together, father gets shot, kittens drown, homosexual relationship
34. Read late 80s-Boarding school (?) Evil girls, laxatives, fancy red dress
35. Book about man that lures children to house of pleasure and then they can’t leave, house is alive
36. written around 1950’s with main character running in a cabbage patch wearing a diaper at end of novel
37. romance: girl has to do hard labor in fields, sold nude on auction block, then finds love
38. a guy who time travels by jumping over a pit with a bear running around it to an island and theres a plane and a witch?????
39. Book about Muffin and a goth girl?
40. fiction book about wolves- no human interaction though
Listling Without Commentary: People You Geniuses Voted For in the Autostraddle Hot 100
The 2012 Autostraddle Hot 100 Of Real Queer Women votes have been counted and the 2012 Autostraddle Hot 100 post is in progress, so that’s something to think about as you lie awake at night worrying about swine flu.
However, while sifting through the Autostraddle Hot 100 Votes, we were struck not only by the variety of ways in which one can spell “Moennig”*, “Portia de Rossi” and “DeGeneres,” but also by the myriad deviations from the contest “rules” — most notably the rules that the contestant must be queer, female-identified, and real. (Let’s not get into the “do not vote for the same person more than once” rule, y’all are hopeless in that regard.)
We thought we would share with you some of our favorite responses to our question: “Who are the top 10 hottest queer women in all the land?”. Here they are:
1. Amelia Earhart
2. Brittany S. Pierce (6 votes for this one)
3. The third basemen on the opposing softball team
4. George Clooney
5. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
6. That Hot Genderqueer Barista
7. That Hot Femme Bartender
8. Dianna Arton
9. fuck me with a strap-on
10. PORTIA DE ROSSIE
11. Olivia Benson
12. Julie Andrews
13. hot girl w/dreads who fills the bulk bins at a certain Whole Foods in SLC
14. Xena the Warrior Princess
15. your mum
16. That half-asian fox in the shark cabin
17. Chelsea Grace Chavarria
18. cats
19. Liv Tayler
20. Carrie Underwood
21. the black queen of sogo
22. Freja Benson Erikson
23. willow rosenberg
24. bette
25. Callie Torres (I know she’s not real but she’s really really hot)
26. Jonathan Groff
27. The girl I’m having a first date with tomorrow, you guys should hear how witty she is!
28. The Internet
29. Rachel Evan Wood
30. The 2013 Autostraddle Calendar girl who, in the teaser video, identifies as “a really big lesbian” and a “b-o-i boi lesbian”, whose name and designated calendar month has, to my knowledge, not yet been revealed and who, clearly, I have a big crush on (how’s that for a ‘FULL NAME’?!)
31. Sara Quin’s jaw
32. that one barista at the coffee shop
33. Katy Perry
34. Michelle Bachmann (duh)
* It took me three years to remember how to spell Moennig myself though, so.
Listling Without Commentary: Shit You Weirdos Are Allergic To
Guests registering for the first ever Autostraddle A-Camp in Southern California are allergic to a lot of things. I stole a sneak-peak at the seemingly quite complicated spreadsheet keeping track of your identity/money/needs and was really impressed by the variety of things y’all just CANNOT HANDLE! (For the record, I’m allergic to cats, dogs, ragweed and metronidazole.) I’ve been told that there’s even an Autostraddle group for people with allergies, so check that out.
Things Y’all Are Allergic To:
1. Henna
2. Aspartame
3. Kiwi
4. GMO soy
5. Avocado
6. Cats
7. “Kind of grass.”
8. Strawberries
9. Lamb
10. Amoxicillin
11. Venison
12. Ginger
13. Olives
14. Dairy
15. Papaya
16. Buffalo
17. Tetracycline
18. Squash
19. Honey
20. Cashews
21. “Fire ants, maybe.”
22. Lavender
23. Penicillin
24. Bees
25. Milk
26. Beef
27. Sulfa Meds
28. Shrimp
29. Bactrim (antibiotic)
30. Crustaceans
31. Walnuts
32. Bananas
33. Garlic
34. Onions
35. Dogs
36. Horses
37. Fragrance mix
38. “Trees and also air.”
Listling Of Commentary: Shit Taylor Swift Fans Say To Me
In February of 2010, I wrote an article for this website entitled Why Taylor Swift Offends Little Monsters, Feminists and Weirdos. I almost didn’t publish it at all, having decided it was stupid, but our Executive Editor made me do it and whaddya know, it ended up going viral and will not escape me to this day! [Looking back on it, I realize I made some mistakes — like that I shouldn’t have stanned so hard for Lady Gaga because I think that may have lessened my credibility with many readers, but I suppose things were different then and it made sense at the time.]
In any event, one of the true joys of my life is that the comment thread on this article actually never ends, despite it having been published two years ago. As often as several times a week, Taylor Swift fans will find the piece for the first time and give me a piece of their mind. And ladies — although Swift herself is a fairy-tale sweetheart-haired wide-eyed pilar of innocence, some of her fans can be viciously entertaining wildebeests.
The following lines were taken from comments left on the Swift article after its initial moment of glory last February, which I find hilarious. I have left spelling/grammar errors intact.:
1. First of all, you’re a bitch.
2. Feminists piss me off for reasons like this article.
3. wtf were you drunk when you wrote this too? your retarded. taylor swift is amazing. and about 99% of the world hated on kanye after that.
4. I appreciate the fact that you’ve put a lot of effort into this, and it’s really thorough, but fuck you!
5. The only real problem that you may have with swift is that she is indeed a strong women, and based on this article, you apparently cannot handle that.
6. It seems that for all the name dropping you do [Dylan, Saving Jane, etc] that you’re not really in it for the music. You’re in for some crazy affirmation of your intelligence or liberation, something that says your choices or beliefs as a leftist are correct, or something that simply validates the stick you have up your ass.
7. haha you mad that Tr*nny didn’t win and Taylor did.
8. Saying the author of this article is jealous of Taylor’s success would be a dramatic understatement. It’s evident she can’t appreciate anything that others would consider mainstream.
9. Don’t think gyrating all over the stage and making out with other girls like Rihanna and Britney is considered “putting on a good performance”. I would rather watch Taylor put on a decent performance before I watch stage sex. I think you should re-evaluate your morals.
10. Your just a lazy piece of shit that took time to write this article that is completely untrue. 99.9 % of the world love taylor swift, and your that .1% who doesn’t.
11. She isn’t a feminist worst nightmare! i have a friend who is a feminist and she adores taylor.
12. Seriously GET over yourself, you sound like a miserable and jealous person
13. PS. I don’t hate you. But I will NEVER like you. GOD BLESS YOU. you are in my prayers.
14. All this blog did was make me a bigger Taylor Fan. Firstly because I believe feminists suck and they are the ones I really don’t want to listen too unlike Taylor Swift.
15. don’t attack Taylor Swift just because you had sex when you were a teenager
16. DONT BASH TAYLOR JUST BECAUSE YOU WANNA SUCK GAGAs COCK AND SHE LOST
17. gather your shit and think and research your shit before you publish it so that you’ll not making yourself look like an ignorant!
18. Not trying to be mean but if you wanna put down classy young girls everywhere, then we will fight back. We only look like delicate flowers, but when we need to fight back, we will.
19. you think taylor is unoriginal and recycling her music from other artist? well i think gaga is a wannabe copycat of madonna! so how about that!!!!
20. I think you need to stow away your burning bra and just relax: just because a 20 something year old girl is singing about boys does not mean the end of feminism is near.
21. This was such a bullshit article, and it made me so disgusted that I don’t think I will ever read another one of your articles because of the lack of research or thought.
22. you’re just a fucking bitch who’s jealous of so leave her the hell alone and get a life
23. This is the stupiest article i’ve ever read.
24. taylor is like the best person i know she is so awsome.i wont to meet taylor so bad its my dream to meet her.i mite not be able to buy her shirts but i love taylor swift so much she is awsome,so awsome i dont really have any words to explian iti love every song u put out.now i wont to move to nashvile tn.close to where u live.but i geus that will be a wile im only 13.in live in tx.but thats not goin to stop me from meeting u one day.please come to dallas soon.I LOVE U TAYLOR SWIFT!!!!!!!!
25. lol fuck whoever wrote this haha really you’re cool.
26. stopped reading this when you indicated you liked Twilight.* How can any one take you seriously as any type of music critic when you obviously have absolutly no taste or working knowledge of quality entertainment? You can’t even tell the difference between something good and a steaming pile of crap.
* I said no such thing, obviously I don’t like Twilight and think it’s one of the most problematic franchises of all time, w/r/t feminist pop culture critique. Anyhow, this commenter is referring to the following statement: “[Taylor Swift] irritates me much like John McCain irritated me for most of 2008… or, more accurately, how Avril Lavigne‘s faux-“punk” abstinence anthem “Don’t Tell Me” irritates me or yes, how the Twilight franchise occasionally irritates me (though I’ve seen it now, and I admit it does look cool).” Mhm. Who’s “an ignorant” now, huh?
Listling Without Commentary: Responses From AS Writers to “What Was Your Best X-Mas Gift Ever?”
Yesterday we had a brilliant idea to construct a Christmas Nostalgia Post detailing some of the best Christmas/Hannukah gifts we’ve ever received in the history of our lives.
The responses garnered from our Contributing Editors in a reply-all email were not, exactly, what we had in mind, nor did they conform to our specific instructions.
These are those responses:
1. Keurig Coffee Maker
2. “The Lion King”
3. Easy Bake Oven
4. Batteries
5. Used, tag-less shopping bag from the ’80s wrapped in an empty used candy box wrapped in trash
6. Bulk box of eight bars of wholesale lavendar soap
7. A single pencil
8. 23 pounds of paper
9. Neon orange slide
10. Half-eaten candy cane
11. Snoopy Sno-Cone maker
12. Necklace bearing a giant sticker reading: “WARNING: This product contains a chemical known to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm. WASH HANDS AFTER HANDLING”
13. Freezer mold to make my own liquor luge
14. Sweat-band
15. Popples (“that was a pretty good year”)
16. Birthday card with a cat on it
17. Box of cereal (“unironically”)
18. Plastic food w/plastic refrigerator
19. Miniature Spanish-English Dictionary
20. Hee-Haw Themed overalls (brother received a matching pair)
21. Cactus
22. “Baby Talk” doll
23. A handful of unwrapped toe socks
24. “Strawberry Shortcake Very Happy Home”
25. Life-sized doll constructed to look exactly like me (my height, hair color, eyes etc)
Listling Without Commentary: Sh*t Your Family Said Last Christmas
Every year we host open threads for all major holidays, and consequently sometimes use your comments from those threads to create Listlings Without Commentary, such as 2010’s Sh*t Your Family Said At Thanksgiving 2009 and Sh*t You Drank and Received at Christmas 2009.
This is like that. The quotes on this list were extracted from your comments in which you quoted a family member on the 2010 Christmakwanzakah Open Thread.
Shit Your Family Said Last Christmas:
1. “You know, after your sister I was totally prepared to have a girl or a boy, but never a girl who acted like a boy!”
2. “Santa hates smokers!”
3. “Stop looking at the world through lesbian glasses. Almost no one is actually gay.”
4. “What is the next thing you’re gonna be telling us? That you’re a serial killer?”
5. “[these two watches you got as presents this year] are not a subtle hint, please be on time for something between now and next Christmas.”
6. “DO YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A BOY!? HELP ME UNDERSTAND!”
7. “One of the things that Hitler said in Mein Kampf that I really agreed with was…”
8. “Well, if you were a Christian I’d tell you that you were going to hell, but I think it’s too late for that. Just don’t tell your grandparents, they don’t have much time left.”
9. “I don’t think you’re bisexual. I think you’re just trying to be cool.”
10. “So… you met someone on the internet? What’s the site? I want to find a girlfriend, too! Straight people are on there too, right?”
11. “I don’t think they should be lettin’ them gays in the military, or women either… pretty soon they’re all just gonna be wantin that equal opportunity bullshit just like them blacks, and then I’m supposed to be showerin with them.”
12. (Re: Justin Bieber) “Oh look! It’s someone else with your haircut!”
13. “Are you high on wine”
14a. “Jesus Christ you’re lesbos, can’t you just make Santa a woman and celebrate that way!!”
14b. “You know I didn’t mean anything insulting by calling you a lesbo right?”
15. “[The dog’s] head smells like Chinese food. I’m serious. Smell it. It smells like goddamn moo goo gai pan.”
16. “Yeah, but they’re kind of lesbian shoes…”
17. “I got Guinness draught so we can get wobbly christmas.”
18. “Well, it’s only chicken stock in the soup, that’s not actual meat”
19. (Re: Using the word “bi” in scrabble) “Yeah, it’s the shortened form of [cringe]… bicentennial.”
20. “Why would you do that? Only lesbians and fat people get their hair cut like that!”
21. “Well, I can understand how you can like women like that… I agree that women are fantastic, I can see how you would fall in love with one, and do you know my friend [name]? Well, I really like her… no, I REALLY like her, I wish I got to spend more time with her, and I’m really close to her, moreso than any man I know, so I think I’m like you.”
22. “I love you. It’s okay. Take a breath.”
Listling Without Commentary: Excerpts From Past News Coverage of Herman Cain’s Campaign
Herman Cain called off his campaign, releasing journalists from their duty to report his activities with relative stoicism. Here is some of that reporting:
image via jay raskin's blog
1. “[Mr. Cain] instituted a new rule: no video cameras in newspaper interviews. A spokesman for the Cain campaign said this was because “videos are typically used for television, and it’s a newspaper.'”
2. “Cain… boasted on Saturday that ‘Right now my name I.D. is probably 99.9 percent.'”
3. “On Friday, at the conservative Values Voters summit in D.C., Cain’s speech was received with a standing ovation and cheers when he declared in response to a question about anger over racism, ‘I have achieved all of my American dreams and then some because of the great nation United States of America. What’s there to be angry about? Angry?'”
4. “Surrounded by much fanfare, Cain enjoyed a pastry at the [Versailles Restaurant’s] bakery, asking at one point with his mouth full, ‘How do you say ‘delicious’ in Cuban?’”
5. “Cain later told Fox News that abortion should not be legal, but the family can make the decision to break the law.”
6. “When they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I’m going to say, ‘You know, I don’t know. Do you know?’ Cain said, dismissing as irrelevant ‘knowing who is the head of some of these small insignificant states around the world.'”
7. “Cain [added]: ‘Who knows every detail of… every situation on the planet? Nobody! We need a leader, not a reader.'”
8. “He hesitated again. ‘Got all this stuff twirling around in my head,’ he explained.”
9. “Ginger White said it was not a love affair, but Cain showered her with gifts and offered financial assistance for her monthly living expenses. Cain called the relationship a friendship as he acknowledged that his wife of more than four decades had no knowledge of White prior to Monday.”
10. “On Saturday, Cain announced that he was suspending his campaign for the GOP presidential nomination, and his parting words included a quote from an unlikely source: A song from Pokémon: The Movie 2000.”
11. “I apologized for calling her Princess Pelosi,” he said, before turning the questions back on Ms. Pelosi, a Democrat. “I remember when Speaker Pelosi called me and the Tea Party people ‘Astroturf.’ I don’t remember anybody asking about that story.”
12. “A spokesman for Herman Cain’s campaign said the Republican presidential hopeful was joking when he said he had offered former secretary of state Henry Kissinger his old job back.”
13. “White produced her cellphone bills, which included 61 calls or text messages to what she said was Cain’s personal cellphone, with the most recent taking place in September. The TV station texted the number and Cain returned the call.”
14. “If you’re worried about cholesterol and calories, don’t go into a pizza place in the first place,” said Cain.”
sources: 1. Baltimore Sun, 2. Star Tribune, 3. Colorlines, 4. Wonkette:, 5. Huffington Post, 6. Politico, 7. Nerve, 8. Opposing Views, 9. WCTV, 10.CNN, 11. The New York Times, 12. JTA, 13. Los Angeles Times, 14. Politico
Weird Shit People Ask Me at This Dumb Restaurant Job
1. Is this a restaurant?
2. What do you have here that’s free?
3. Does the vegan quesadilla have meat?
4. Can I get a cocktail…but with the alcohol on the side?
5. Can I get an extra side of Guacamala?
6. So, the bacon/cheddar burger…cheddar, like, cheese?
7. Is the basil tofu free range?
8. How is your chicken poonani?
9. What is your favorite hot poonani?
10. So the side of fries, can we get that, but instead of fries, can we get cottage cheese?
11. Can you tell me who this gentleman is? [pointing to picture of Gandhi on our menu]
12. Shut up, Vanessa, I don’t need your help anymore.
13. Why are you crying?
14. Where am I supposed to put my baby?
15. Will you hold our table while we go smoke a blunt?
16. DOES LANGSTON HUGHES STILL WORK HERE?
nope
National Coming Out Day Listling Without Commentary: Selections From Your Coming Out Stories
Last year we all shared our very own coming out stories with you on our National Coming Out Day Open Thread. You then shared your coming out stories with us. The following sentences were extracted from those stories:
1. “I came out to my mom on I-95 on the way to see Dave Matthews Band.”
2. “She started crying and said “but Anne Heche changed her mind. It’s probably just a phase.“
3. “They asked if I’d ever had sex with a goat.”
4. “One night we were sitting doing a puzzle and I had got so annoyed with it that night that I looked at my mom and was like ‘i’m gay’ just to get out of doing any more on the damn puzzle.”
5. “I told my dad after sitting around in his workshop/the garage for an hour and procrastinating and talking about his childhood and Ukrainian polka music.”
6. “I was really high on painkillers and I thought I was going to die.”
7. “I figured I would just blurt it out over our game of Scrabble.”
8. “Everyone applauded, and we sat down and watched But I’m a Cheerleader.”
9. “I didn’t care really because I’m out and everybody has dreamed about Shane at least once I’m sure.”
10. “I was convinced I was going to die and I didn’t want to die a Mormon.”
11. “Then my cousin ran in the room shouting “Mom! Mom! You have to take me to the hospital right now! I’ve been farting rainbows, I think I caught the gay!“
12. “We went to Smith, so I knew it wasn’t going to be a big deal.”
13. “My poor girlfriend ran out of the house and fell on her face and broke her toe.”
14. “France turned me gay.”
15. “My sister said that she had guessed, because I liked “those twin singers” so much.”
16. “I’m bi. Yeah. See you on Monday.”
17. “All the girls at my campus wear shorts up their ass, and it is terribly distracting.”
18. “Waiting for their emails back was way worse than when I waited for the 3rd Harry Potter book to come out.”
19. “As it was, all she did was conduct an on telephone exorcism to get rid of the Demon of Homosexuality.”
20. “I’m gay, dipshit.”
Listling With Minimal Commentary: Selections From Anti-Lesbian Bridal Salon’s 868 Yelp Reviews
Alx (Sarah J. Glover / Staff Photographer Philadelphia Inquirer)
As you may have heard, “Here Comes the Bride,” a bridal shop in New Jersey, prohibited a lesbian from purchasing a wedding dress at their store, citing Alix Genter’s same-sex wedding as an “illegal action.”
The Proverbial “People” have reacted by yelping the hell out of HCTB’s unit and Donna Saber, Alix’s salesperson. Some are crying foul on this strategy, saying that’s not what yelp! is for — but it’s worth noting that the shop sucked regardless of homophobia to begin with Look, they’re sizeist too!.
According to C-NET, yelp will be taking down the majority of these reviews because “while Yelp does not support any sort of discrimination, reviews of businesses on Yelp should be about the customer experience not the views of a business or its employees.”
Hopefully comments like this will stay up, however:
Regardless of how this pans out on yelp, New Jersey Law is pretty clear that Donna’s the one committing an “illegal action” here:
Like many other states, including California, New York, Illinois, and Colorado, New Jersey bars sexual orientation discrimination in places of public accommodation.. Most statutes define public accommodations as places that are open to the public, such as a business, hotel, entertainment venue, restaurant, and doctor’s office.”
So, before yelp gets rid of all these wonderful supportive reviews, we’ve made a listling of highlights from people who gave “Here Comes the Bride” a rating of “one star”.
+
Listling: Lines Pulled From One-Star Reviews of “Here Comes the Bride” on Yelp!
1. Who the hell would buy a wedding dress from a mall called “Acme-Kmart Somers Point Plaza”
2. They should be legally required to change their name to “Here Comes The Bride, Unless She’s A Lesbian.”
3. It was illegal in Hitler’s Germany to help the Jews – and where did that get them?
4. A Bible-based marriage is between 1 man, 700 wives and 300 live-in whores for a grand total of 1000 vaginas. 1 Kings 11:1-3
5. Were you repeatedly dropped on your head as a child????
6. Donna pooped on my wedding dress before I got it!!! I couldn’t believe it. On MY day! Actual POOP!
7. Some of the cutest women I’ve met were lesbians.
8. Odds are she hates Asians too.
9. i bought a dress from here and there was a MUMMIFIED MONKEY HAND SEWN IN. What kind of sick voodoo dress shop IS THIS PLACE!?!?
10. Homosexual Agenda: Spend Time with Family. Be Treated Equally. Buy Milk — Stop screwing up our plans!
11. Sadly, you will probably remain the same, pathetic, sad little person you are with a dead business due to your own ignorance until you shrivel up and die alone.
12. Taste the Rainbow!
13. The gay isn’t contagious, Donna. You won’t catch it from any of us, and trust me–no one wants the toaster we’d get for “converting” you.
14. Do your damn job. You sell wedding dresses next to a K-Mart.
15. Forget about politics, this store sells the kind of junky gowns you see the crazy brides on BRIDEZILLAS wearing.
16. When I asked to speak with the manager about their obviously intoxicated employees, the manager called me a c*nt and kicked me out of the store! Don’t ever shop here!
17. You should try it sometime. Who knows, maybe you’d like it.*wink wink*
18. I bet at least half of the dresses sold at her shop are designed by who??? Gay and proud designers!!
19. There goes the bride….
20. Donna, two brides means TWICE the dresses sold!
21. Tried to find the place on a map, but apparently they’re stuck somewhere in 1956.
22. I bought a dress here once and it had lice on it.
23. You really shouldn’t be in this business if you do not have a full belief in the power of love.
Listling Without Commentary: Real L Word Recap Images Riese Asked Her Intern to Create This Season
Every week Riese e-mails me a list of images/graphics she needs for her Real L Word recaps. These are some of those very well-defined requests.
1. also can you make Sajdah’s face on a Big Gulp
2. Cori & Kacy ON THE MOTHERFUCKING COUCH AGAIN
3. all the facial expressions she makes instead of saying words
4. graphic of a big ol bag of heroine?
5. Hello boobs
6. Can you compare Romi’s interview in this scene to another scene because she looks way tanner?
7. Mel is the lovechild of Samantha Ronson & Lindsay Lohan, illustrate this with a graphic
8. If you could take a ‘cap of Claire talking about that magazine stuff and then draw all over it to express how it makes me feel, I’d like that
9. screencap of chris crocker with LEAVE WHITNEY ALONE written on it
10. (GRAPHIC –?) – I don’t know what i was thinking when I wrote that
11. somehow superimpose the skittles “taste the rainbow” on top of sajdah and that girl for when sajdah says the thing about the “rainbow coalition.”
12. Shot of the tampons
13. make sure to get lots of claire crazyface
14. also in the style of last year’s LA FASHION WEEK graphic could you make a graphic that says Penis Penis Man Man Sperm Man Penis Sperm Penis Penis, etc etc over and over again
15. OH MY GOD IT’S ROMI
16. “The Unicorn Couple” – a graphic where Cori & Kacy are unicorns
17. Claire handling Vivian like a monkey
18. On her knees doing a that’s what she said
19. also i need a photo from episode 101 of the l word where bette & tina are in the doctors office and to get knocked up and like bette has to go down on her or whatever and it should say NOT LIKE THIS on it
20. Romi’s evolving alternative lifestyle haircut (v. important graphic) DO THIS ONE FIRST
21. Journal in the bed (maybe do one with lights and stars coming out of it)
22. what happened next? i Can’t remember just get some good screenshots of ittt
23. can you make a few more of sara doing her crazy sexy dance at the music video?
24. i have attached 4 pictures can you make each one of them saying “that’s what she said” in a speech bubble?
25. do a few graphics where we’re like “WHO IS IT” and then the graphic will be of the door and someone standing in front of it like the Kool-Aid guy, or Jenny Schecter, or the Grim Reaper or SHANE. What if it had been Shane??!!!!?!?!
26. GOd i don’t know, maybe a unicorn
Listling With Minor Commentary: 21 Words You Invented to Describe Autostraddle
Autostraddle recently conducted a reader marketing survey and attained over 3,000 responses. One of the open-ended questions on the survey asked the survey-taker for “one word” to describe Autostraddle. 443 said “awesome.” Some permutation of the word “awesome” were about a third of total answers, including 24 “awesomesauce”s.
There were more people who said “AWESOME” in all caps than people who answered the second highest word, “informative.”
The top ten answers were: awesome, informative, amazing, fun, gay, entertaining, funny, interesting, hilarious, and queer.
This is the word cloud with “awesome” and “informative” in it:
This is the word cloud with those removed to make room for the little guys:
About 150 of you invented your own words. Many of those inventions simply contained an entire sentence without spaces between words, such as “sexylesbianfilledcanofwhipcream,” “MARKETABLESOONTOBEMONEYMAKINGMACHINE,” “evanrachelwoodbisexual” and “lafashionweek” but many of them were just entirely new words altogether!
Today we’d like to share some of these interesting adaptations of the English language with you.
21 Words You Invented to Describe Autostraddle:
1. Cuntilicous
2. GAYMAZING
3. Informalarious
4. Huggly
5. Straddelicous
6. Lesbimagical
7. Fabawesomesaucetastic
8. Relatablemazeballs
9. Gayyyyyass
10. dykedelic
11. infosexual
12. autoheaven
13. informativeorgasm
14. amazeboobs!
15. LESBIANRIFICK
16. uberradhomotastic
17. unicorny
18. rieseble/laneianian
19. awesomecarebearloveyouforeveryouaresaviorsbrillianceness
20. homoawsomesplosion
21. braingasmic
Listling Without Commentary: Rejected Liveblog Topics From My Personal Life
Liveblogging:
1. This bottle of wine
2. These eight cups of coffee
3. This bottle of wine, which cancelled those eight cups of coffee
4. What happens when you drop your cell phone into your glass and try to bring it back from the dead
5. The shouting match between the person with the guitar on the roof across from mine and the contractors trying to tar said roof
6. All of the feelings I’ve ever had about Tiger Beatdown
7. Rejections from job applications received between 1 and 4 pm this afternoon
8. My break-up conversation with my therapist
9. This really easy recipe that IS ON FIRE, WHERE IS THE EXTINGUISHER?!
10. A fire-drill held by my apartment building at 2 a.m., for no reason I can think of
11. Watching Buffy for the first time with a weird sense of cultural relevance
12. The phone call to my mother, informing her that I would not be getting a degree
13. The phone call to my mother, informing her that oops, I’m getting a degree after all, what is she doing next Thursday?
14. My girlfriend “meeting” my parents, for whom she used to work
15. Attempts made at teaching my elderly grandfather about computers, and why using the Google toolbar (one of eight!) to Google “Google” is not efficient
16. What happens when you leave a pot to boil on the stove, with no water in it, and forget it’s there
17. A conversation I had in line at the post office about sex toys, which were in the opened-by-customs package I was picking up, and the reaction of the nice lady who handed it/them to me
18. The progress of my sunburn
‘listicle without commentary’ concept inspired by / stolen from the awl.
Listling Without Commentary: Headlines About Judgment Day
Wow, World. Good job with the news! No but this is funny — I live in Oakland, the HQ of this Rapture operation. I had NO IDEA that anybody else in the world knew anything about the billboard I’ve been biking past since I moved here. But apparently it’s a thing! EVERYWHERE! Here’s a selection of the 5,000,000 headlines of the 5,000,000 articles/posts published yesterday by upstanding news outlets all over the world:
1. Last Supper Meal Ideas Before the “Rapture” Hits
2. 17 Doomsday T-Shirts
3. If Apocalypse Comes, what happens to football
4. Apocalypse Owww
5. It’s the End of the World As We Know it! What’s On Your Bucket List?
6. Eight Drinks to Toast Armageddon
7. Stoner Jesus Reacts To The “Coming Rapture”
8. THE RAPTURE: WHY THE WORLD REALLY COULD END TOMORROW
9. May 21, 2011: What Will the Weather Be on Judgment Day?
10. Americans Ready Amid Fear the End is Near
11. 10 Things IT Groups Need to Know About the Rapture
12. Celebrities Respond to the Rapture
13. 5 Smartphone Apps You Need to Try Before the Rapture
14. So The Rapture Is Saturday — Luckily The Grey’s Anatomy Finale Was Last Night
15. Celebrating Doomsday in Song
16. If Your Pets Are Left Behind at the Rapture
17. Rapture: Money Opportunities for Judgment Day
18. Is Harold Camping’s Doomsday Affecting Your Travel Plans?
19. 4 Social Media Tools & Tips for the Rapture
20. Yes, It’s Another Rapture Story
21. World to End Saturday — Now Russians Know It Too
20. My Last Column
23. Doomsday: It’s the Gay’s Fault
Listling Without Commentary: Statements (NOT QUESTIONS) Left for Riese and Laneia on Formspring (Part #3)
Sometimes people don’t want to “ask anything,” they want to say anything. We have formspring on our tumblr. This is part three. This is part two. This is part one.
1. I came downstairs this morning to find my brother trying to evangelize to our cat.
2. I think you look like Saoirse Ronan.
3. You look a lot like Kate Hudson’s son Ryder. I mean seriously it’s adorable.
4. I just want someone to dedicate James Blake songs to.
5. One of my students looks exactly like Brandy Howard. I assume they are siblings or cousins.
6. I had to write about the Italian autostrada and spelled it as Autostraddle by accident. Three times.
7. I want to “do me.” Mostly though, I want someone else to do me.
8. I want to chop off all my hair so bad but I’m so scared.
9. I’m watching Celebrity Apprentice with my mom and I keep getting turned on when I see Marlee Matlin because I want Bette to come in and fingerblast her. I don’t even like Jodi.
10. Sometimes I wish I could swim inside of Autostraddle.
11. When you say “the deepest pits of homosexual hell,” you just make it sound sexy.
12. I love it when really femme lesbos that look “bottoms” are very accomplished closeted tops.
13. SUCKIN’ ON MY TITTIES LIKE YOU WANTED ME CALLIN’ ME ALL THE TIME LIKE BLONDIE CHECK OUT MY CHRISSY BEHIND IT’S FINE ALL OF THE TIME.
14. Hai means shark in Norwegian.
15. Pronounce boi for me then pronounce Moennig, please I go to say these words and realise I don’t know what I’m doing.
16. Reach for the femmes reach for nice hems reach for the stem of the rose it’s a gem.
17. Today I was woken up @ 11:30 by 4 of my city’s finest fireman knocking on my door. IT WAS LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE anyways, they escorted me out of the building THEY WERE ALL SO HOT. There was a big fire in the basement, but we’re all safe.
18. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition. Or long nails inside their vag.
19. Roses are red, Violets are blue, I think I have Alzheimer’s, cheese on toast.
20. I read “Big, black amazon button on the Autostraddle” as “Big, black amazon butthole on Autostraddle.”
21. I’m in love when Tegan Quin does that quotation thing with her hands, anddd I want mint chocolate chip ice cream.
22. I’m high now and these pants are UNBEARABLE.
23. HOLY SHIT SANTANA IS A LESBIAN HOLY SHIT.
24. I wish autostraddle was a place or that we could come home n literally go into the computer n live in the autostraddle website it would be like a big apartment n we would all hang out but then I feel like it would turn into a big orgy n have to many cats!
25. As I get gayer and gayer, I like cats more and more.
26. Capslock is sexy it should be used at all times G T F O it.
27. A day without Autostraddle is like a day without sex.
28. So drunk. So drunk my ipod won’t stop repeating “Perfect Sonnet” Bright Eyes.
29. I just stopped liking you as a person.
30. I think everyone is scared and they’re taking it out on everyone. But the way right-wingers take out their fear is scary. Everyone gets more scared and causes more fear and on and on.
31. Cara from The Coffee Bean is very attractive; therefore you should keep in contact with her.
32. Your glasses are really cute.
33. I want to give you my seed. Please give tips.
To leave your own statements (or, you know, questions) for an Autostraddle team member, go here:
+ Riese
+ Laneia
+ Crystal
+ Alex
+ Taylor
+ Jess
+ Rachel
‘listicle without commentary’ concept inspired by / stolen from the awl
Listling Without Commentary: Reader-Started “Groups” From Autostraddle Social 1.0
Names of “groups” created by readers on Autostraddle Social 1.0™
1. We Straddle L.A., Bitch
2. Harry Potter Appreciation Society
3. Ohhh! Canada
4. Interests Include Fingerbanging Scully
5. Singlestraddlers… Ready to Mingle!
6. We Love Documentaries
7. Western Masstraddle
8. Group about the charlie horse I got in my leg a while ago
9. Varsity BBQ Team
10. Music Addicts Anonymous
11. The Great Library of Autostraddle
12. Only Straddler In the Village
13. Virginia Vaginas
14. CATS
Start your very own group on Autostraddle Social 1.0™ today, or join these other humans and fill out your profile. (Some features are still fucked, but what the hell ISN’T, you know?)
Listling Without Commentary: Things That a Computer Is Without Internet
1. an expensive notepad
2. an expensive stereo
3. a poorly designed breakfast-in-bed tray
4. an expensive chess board
5. a small DVD player
6. an expensive post-it
7. an expensive paperweight
8. a cumbersome camera
9. an expensive calendar
10. an expensive photo album
11. a disorganized filing cabinet
12. a cluttered desk
+++
“i hate it when i lose internet and my facebook machine just becomes a typewriter that plays dvds”
– kcdanger
originally published on the shoreline receding, with additional items added by riese & laneia.
‘listling without commentary’ concept inspired by / stolen from the awl
Listling Without Commentary: Statements (NOT QUESTIONS) Left for Riese and Laneia on Formspring Part Two
Sometimes people don’t want to ask anything, they want to say anything. We have formspring on our tumblr.
1. You don’t make friends with salad.
2. I just ate pizza out of the trash can.
3. She is perfection. I can be the best person on earth but I can never be her angel and she is mine. I am proposing.
4. I just watched Requiem for a Dream and feel like I’m about to die.
5. If there’s anything I love on this earth, it’s menstruation.
6. I took showerbeer to the next level, drinking Four Loko while I shaved my legs in hope of a warmer night.
7. My wrists are so weak, I can’t do anything, I sprained them playing foosball. FOOSBALL!
8. I just want to let you know that the Chanukah gift I’m going to send you will probably be approximately 1 month late. But I will send it eventually.
9. I want to kiss behind her ears and the tops of her shoulders.
10. Laneia I just spoke to Riese about this and when I say spoke I mean I asked her formsrping, I’m sorry I’m on caffeine in like pill format at the moment, regardless can you guys maybe contemplate making a post in which commenters trade tumblr urls.
11. The vlogs are keeping me company, nonsexually naked, happily alone and drunk.
12. You’re a two times five.
13. I am so in love with Heather Peace. God. I love her.
14. I have the L Word theme song stuck in my head. this is like some sort of terrible terrible hell.
15. I cannot stop watching Ice Road Truckers. WTF? They drive big rigs on f*cking lakes in Canada!!!!
16. I want a ping pong table.
17. I wish I could have 3 different AS profiles with different IP addresses so you wouldn’t know that I am the same person. I am so many different people but IP addresses, I don’t know. I want to be 3 different people.
18. anglostraddle, austrostraddle, spaniardstraddle, russostraddle,thaistraddle, congostraddle,slovakstraddle, francostraddle
19. If I let myself think about it sometimes it feel like I’m entirely composed of neuroses and there’s actually nothing else underneath.
20. It’s just past two, and I’ve been dreaming about evil talking imaginary animals that are trying to drown me in a lake.
21. I heard the new T-swift album and it sucks. It’s like you’re always right.
22. The thing is that I met this fantastic girl who has a girlfriend. I think we’re friends cause she threw up in my toilet and then once I got her to read my favorite poem out loud. It was wonderful/terrible. Ugh. I’m going to die in the friend zone.
23. You can only steal things through Lady Gaga’s vagina.
24. I think you looked hella cute with your short boyish haircut and smudgy eyeliner. Shaney. Bring it back!
25. I am more honest with the internet than any therapist I’ve ever had. I always give them the benefit of the doubt but I just don’t want to be the worst set of stories they’ve ever heard.
26. This one time in a foreign country I went broke and ate rice with various sauces for a week.
28. Every time I see a keyboard, my fingers automatically type the word ‘Autostraddle’
29. I got exams to study for. BUT ALL I CAN DO IS THINK ABOUT HER BUTT LIKE GEEEZ.
30.I just want to say that I love all of you. You saved my life. You made me feel worth something. Thank you.
To leave your own statements (or, you know, questions) for an Autostraddle team member, now including Music Editor Crystal and Design Director Alex!!, go here:
+ Riese
+ Laneia
+ Crystal
+ Alex
Listling Without Commentary: Sh*t You Drank and Received at Last Year’s Christmas
Statements of extreme, borderline “troublesome” drinking and the gifts you received/gave anyhow, plucked from last year’s Christmukkahawanzaah Open Thread. Were you there? Did you comment? This Bud’s for you. Also, get excited because this year’s Christmukkah Open Thread is right around the corner…
1. Nothing says “Happy Birthday Jesus” like a case of Miller Lite.
2. I started drinking at 6:30 AM in the shower. The day has gone downhill from there.
3. I’ve smuggled some Bundy and Baileys into the country ’cause I’m locked in the house til Monday as the fam “desperately needs to reconnect…or connect rather.”
4. Dad: “Here, have a Christmas beer. We’re gonna need it.”
5. All I want to do is cry in the shower and drink spiked fruit punch.
6. My Dad poured two fingers of Maker’s into a tumbler and handed it to me. And I was like, “DAD. It is 1:30 in the afternoon. I need ICE WITH THIS.”
7. My parents got me a Dwight-From-The-Office Bobble Head… and oddly enough it’s the present that has kept me the most entertained tonight.
8. My whiskey is in a jar because that’s the only glass in the house because my parents just drink out of these giant enormous plastic cups like we’re at 7-Eleven but without all the waste of paper cups.
9. When i was 15 I got flavoured vodka shots in my stocking. And flashing shot glasses.
10. I hope my grandmother likes Twilight ’cause she’s getting all the books.
11. I’m starting off with my Bailey’s and hot chocolate and not looking back.
12. Anyone who can turn water into wine is invited to my next party.
13. I am currently playing ‘War on Terror – the Board game’ with my siblings, which is what my mother gave me this Christmas, yay. It has an ‘axis of evil’ spinner and my little sister is wearing the ‘evil’ balaclava atm as she is being a terrorist this turn.
14. I think I still have some vodka hidden in my room from when I was 15.
15. Beer pong with the festive Solo Cups would be better than church.
16. We also have a magnum of champagne to make it easier to swallow that we all have holiday pajamas on.
17. I got a box of Nicorette gum from my mother.
18. My mom told me my little second cousin got a Barbie four-wheeler, a Barbie scooter, AND a Barbie bike and my sole response was: “I don’t support Barbie.” Besides, where is this little girl going? She’s got enough transportation for the whole dyke march worth of dykes.
19. I asked Santa for Mariska Hargitay for Christmas but instead I got a book called “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.”
20. I would like the equivalent of an auto-purple heart for living through my uncle picking me up at the Cincinnati airport tweaked out on meth and driving me to central Kentucky in the rain OMG DID THIS REALLY HAPPEN? Yes. Yes it did.
Make sure you join us again this year at your drunkest and merriest!
Listling Without Commentary: Top Ten Things We Thought We Had in 2010
If you search for “I think I have” in your gmail archives/inbox on gmail.com, you will find out what you and your friends/co-workers thought they had in 2010. What did you think you had in 2010? Please share in the comments.
Top Ten/23 Things We Thought We Had in 2010
1. I think I have had an ambien and vodka and no longer trust myself to send this movie — I MEAN EMAIL NOT MOVIE.
2. I think I have a fever. My brain’s a little broken and ranty.
3. I think I HAVE AN IDEA – let’s test out the idea of being not cynical in the recap? Like Obama said?
4. I think I have too many feelings to participate.
5. I think I have taken like four xanax, so even when I speak these words of frustration, I don’t really feel them, which is quite nice, and maybe tomorrow I will wonder why I thought it was ok to @-reply that girl 10 times.
6. I think I have self-destructive insomnia
7. I think I have just come to realize that my brain looks nothing like Whitney’s brain.
8. I think I have a point? I dunno. What I’m saying is: if she wants to do something, I want her to go ahead and effing DO it.
9. I think I might have herpes. Not joking.
10. I think I have enough. If I don’t I will just fix it. I will cry until I have it. Or something.
11. I think I have to draw the line at queer orgies though, I haven’t exactly discussed it with my partner.
12. I think i have this.
13. I think I have to close my eyes and lie down.
14. I think I have to go. I don’t have any money.
15. I think I have [a picture] of me getting out of an industrial sized dryer, which would be really funny and literally hot.
16. I think I have “Darkness” but I don’t want you to worry, I want you to have fun in LA.
17. I think I have taken like 2 mg of xanax that may or may not be from the internet.
18. I think I have to have something monogrammed for you and put it in a gift bag.
19. I think I have to unfollow Tavi on tumblr.
20. I think I have four articles that need to be edited. But I really feel like I need to sit in a dark quiet room for maybe days and not think of anything. I don’t think that’s something I can do, though.
21. I think I have concealer on the leg of my jeans? Something beige. And smudgy.
22. I think I have accidentally unlocked her crazy. I don’t know a way out of this.
23. I think I have questions, but I have to go look at castles now or something, so i’ll email you again later.