Listling With Minimal Commentary: How We Watched The L Word In Secret
It’s been ten years since The L Word premiered, and we’ve got lots to talk about. Welcome to The L Word week!
The L Word was often an elusive unicorn for the young queers and those still in the discovery process. Showtime was scarce, and even if you had it, it was probably hard to find a time to watch away from the eyes of curious parents and roommates.
Turns out, though, that when you create the first ever show with a cast of almost all queer women, and do it on a cable channel that allows multiple scenes of what just barely misses qualifying as porn in every episode, we gays get resourceful. I’m not the only one who went to great lengths to watch The L Word before I threw self-consciousness to the wind and became completely shameless about what showed up on my family’s shared Netflix account. Here are the team’s sly moves for watching our friends in West Hollywood under the radar:
One eye on the screen, one eye on the door. via Shutterstock
1. My cousin apparently thought my mom would enjoy it, and sent her the first season. Mom wasn’t interested, and after eyeing the box on our living room shelf for months, I stole it and watched it on the lowest volume in the dead of night.
2. I bought episodes one by one on iTunes so I could watch them on my iPod video, but I never bought a whole season at a time because it charged my mom’s credit card and I didn’t want her to see a huge purchase and ask me about it.
3. I’d watch episodes in the car on family road trips with the screen turned away from my sister, which worked great until I realized she could totally see the reflection over my shoulder in the window.
4. When I came out to my mom, she breathed a sigh of relief because apparently it showed up on our bill every time someone watched an on demand show and she thought my brothers were watching it.
5. I requested DVDs from the library but was too afraid to have them shipped to my branch of the library in case my parents saw them under my name, so I drove 45 minutes to the library that had them to take them out.
I swear, these are educational videos! But don’t come look over my shoulder! via Shutterstock
6. I watched The L Word for the first time on a laptop in Kenya. We had to move around a lot or else the people who were guarding our camp from wildlife might have caught on. We muted the moan-iest scenes. It was really romantic.
7. I’d sneak the DVDs to and from Blockbuster in black plastic bags like I was smuggling contraband. I greedily inhaled them alone in my weird lofted bedroom with headphones on the off chance my straight dude roommates might somehow develop any idea of what was going on.
8. I would watch The L Word, with headphones, just in case, on fucking Youtube, like who does that? I think I wanted to stream it illegally but didn’t know how.
9. I watched the pilot with my mom, but we both bailed during the scene where Bette tries to go down on Tina in the doctor’s office.
10. I saw the first two seasons by semi-checking out and semi-stealing the DVDs from my college library – we had every season of The L Word and Xena, which should tell you everything you need to know about my college experience.
11. I still use Project Free TV for it.
12. I would fire up my family’s sad little Compaq and travel on over to this L Word fansite that logged meticulously crafted transcripts. …And then I would clear the browser history and keep it moving.
18 Keen Insights On Lesbian Sexual Activity From 1966’s “The Lesbian Handbook”
Today we bring you another list inspired by one of those ’60s faux sociological studies of human sexuality penned by a pulp fiction author pretending to be a doctor. Last week we looked at 1963’s “A New Look At The Lesbian,” and this week we bring you 1966’s The Lesbian Handbook. This paperback comes to us from Dale Brittenham, M.D., one of many names used by the esteemed author of Campus Sexpot and Appointment by Sex, who began his career as a writer after losing his job as a high school English teacher for having affairs with his students.
Below are statements about lesbian sexuality ripped mercilessly out of context. This book promised specifically to expose “lesbian activity in all its deviant forms,” by which they meant, of course, “sex.” All the case studies contained wherein and quoted below were most likely completely fabricated. I’m sure you’ll find it very educational.
18 Keen Insights On Lesbian Sexuality From The Lesbian Handbook, including sections from fabricated “case studies” of “real lesbians.”
1. If several women are assembled together in prison, their erotic indecency, even when they are closely watched, increases in cubic ratio; and when they are locked up together, scenes take place which far surpass the compass of any imagination.
2. They had sex in the bedroom of each of the girls when no one was home, they had sex in barns, in wooded areas, and finally they discovered the place they could be alone almost certainly: in the church.
3. The main attraction of the circus is the sight of lesbians making love on stage, in full view of everyone in the audience.
4. Some lesbians take only the feminine role in lovemaking, allowing themselves to be loved without ever once really taking the active role with their partners. These women are called femmes, and their appearance is often deceiving.
5. There are women who would rather do almost anything else under the sun than engage in intercourse with a man.
6. Two women will meet, find themselves infatuated with each other, and from there they make the move to establish a permanent relationship, living together and enjoying sex as often as they wish. But since they are both unstable to begin with, it is almost certain that the affair will be short-lived.
7. Parents of teen-age girls in the Hollywood area are warned to be certain that their daughters do not engage in conversation with strange women, for there have been many cases of lesbian seduction begun through just such an innocent-looking encounter.
8. She said she had always been indifferent toward men. In fact, she avoided balls. Female statues pleased her.
9. Before the declaration of love is made, there may be an elaborate courtship, with the active lesbian behaving much like a moonstruck adolescent boy.
10. It is true that sapphism is also to be met with in quite young girls, but only if they live in houses of prostitution or in girls’ colleges.
11. Breast stimulation is the most frequently encountered form of sexual indulgence found among lesbians.
12. The girls who are susceptible to seduction are, of course, the ones who are willing to engage in conversations with lesbians on the make.
13. Lesbians showed a higher incidence of successful orgasm than comparable groups of married women, which might at first appear surprising until it is remembered that a woman is more likely to understand the physical nature of her parter in love when that partner is another woman than is a man, and she is more likely to understand feminine psychology.
14. This woman was also somewhat sadistic, for she would bite and scratch Cora around the waist and on the shoulder. Cora felt this made the whole affair quite unpleasant, but she was disappointed when it stopped.
15. The woman initiated the practice of mutual masturbation, and they would spend hours in mutual embraces whenever they had the opportunity.
16. They have sex almost every day, and each encounter takes from five to six hours. The nurse takes that long to make one climax, but Sharon is able to have as many as fifteen during the course of their lovemaking.
17. Most lesbians do not utilize their bodies in a direct way for stimulation most of the time. Their sexual energy is drained off through caresses, hand holding, and other seemingly innocent activities.
18. It is significant that many of the girls who are thus brought into contact with lesbianism offer little or no resistance to the love that is offered.
25 Explanations For Why Kanye’s “Bound 2” Video Is What It Is
1. He had a lot of b-roll of horses and mountains that he needed to get rid of
2. He just learned about time lapse cameras
3. There aren’t enough black people on motorcycles in mainstream media
4. Kim is starting a new career as a Jennifer Lopez look-a-like
5. He needed to remind people he’s from from Chicago and knows how to layer
6. People might not get that the “Jesus wept” line is a double entendre for him coming so it needed some strong imagery
7. Since Kim can’t get a star on the Walk of Fame for being a reality television personality, maybe she could get one for being a video girl
8. Lisa Frank directed it
9. The only motorcycle they could find was the one that costs a quarter in front of the grocery store
10. They accidentally edited in the screensaver from Kim’s Acer laptop that still runs Windows ’98
11. Kanye dared Kanye and no one loses a dare to Kanye except Kanye
12. This is all an elaborate ploy to get Jay-Z and Beyonce to spoof this video and play it at Kanye’s birthday party
13. He drew a lot of inspiration from his Best Plains Photography of 2012 calendar
14. He’s working on making “white male college dorm room” the dominant fashion aesthetic for 2014
15. Kim isn’t into hugging unless it’s on camera
16. The Discovery Channel won’t take his calls and he’ll show them
17. A lot of the conceptual work was done between a visit to the National Cowboy Museum and a stop at Kohl’s
18. He thought it would impress Bret Easton Ellis
19. He shot a karaoke video at Six Flags with the “desert background” and said to himself, “Holy shit, this is the best karaoke video ever made at Six Flags! Good job, Kanye.” And then got funnel cake dust all over the video and it ruined it and he had no choice but to try and recreate it because duh.
20. Kim wanted to go on a road trip and this is the best he could do
21. Kanye was trying to provoke a lawsuit from Planet Earth
22. Kim really wanted to be a part of a viral video that didn’t involve Ray-J’s penis
23. There’s been a lack of evidence that the Kim/Kanye relationship is an elaborate performance art piece and he enjoys that rumor
24. Kanye joined GreenPeace
25. Kim is launching a line of strapless bras that actually make your breasts look good. They will only be sold at Spencer’s.
Pro-tip: If you look closely at the compass on the motorcycle, it is always traveling North West
29 Weirdest Pictures From Our Queer Prom
Last month this website hosted a camp event in the woods, attended by 275 queer women and otherwise-identified humans. There was a prom on the last night. The color scheme was metallics, white and black. There was a photobooth. Everybody there was a weirdo.
29 Weirdest Pictures From Our Queer Prom
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* the more strategically arranged prom photos will meet your eyeholes in the fourth Recamp this week.
Listling With Brief Commentary: 53 Fried Foods I Didn’t Eat At The Texas State Fair
feature image from pegasusnews.com
After eating fried food for four days straight during a New Orleans trip, my girlfriend and I decided to give up fried food for a year. We’ve refused the free chips and salsa at every Tex-Mex restaurant, we’ve avoided going to our favorite sports bar for fried pickles and wings and we’ve endlessly asked every waiter, “Is this fried?” Nonetheless, we’ve been going strong since April 1 without any crispy, golden deliciousness.
Dreaming of the day I can EAT YOU UP!
I went to the Texas State Fair — a haven for everything deep fried and on a stick — for the first time this past weekend. And I still did not eat fried foods. I lived vicariously through the wild, free souls gorging on things like “Fried PB&J.”
53 Fried Foods I Didn’t Eat At The Texas State Fair
1. Doritos Cool Ranch Fried Pizza
2. Fernie’s Deep Fried King Ranch Casserole
3. Deep Fried Cuban Roll
4. Fried Guacamole
5. Fried Thanksgiving Dinner
6. Fried Jambalaya
7. Awesome Deep Fried Nutella
8. Deep Fried Elote
9. Deep Fried Spaghetti and Meatball
10. Fried Grilled Cheese Sandwich
11. Deep Fried Oreos
12. Fried Spinach Dip Bites
13. Southern Style Chicken-Fried Meatloaf
14. Golden Fried Millionaire Pie
15. Deep Fried Chocolate Chip Burrito
16. Loaded Avocado Crispy Fries
17. Spicy Spam Empanadas
18. Texas Fried Fireball
19. Deep Fried Shrimp and Grits
20. Deep Fried Creole Boulette
21. Deep Fried BBQ Wontons
22. Fried Collard Greens
23. Fried Bacon Cinnamon Roll
24. Fried Bubblegum
25. Fried Beer
26. Fried Cactus
27. Fried Coke
28. Fried Cookie Dough
29. Cajun Fried Turkey Legs
30. Fried Chicken Skin
31. Fried Loaded Mashed Potatoes
32. Fried Snickers
33. Fried Cake Balls
34. Viva Las Vegas Fried Ice Cream
35. Fried Star Crunch
36. Fried Latte
37. Fried Frozen Margarita
38. Deep Fried Biscuit and Gravy
39. Fried Queso Bites
40. Fried Chicken Flapjack on a Stick
41. Deep Fried Mac N Cheese Sliders
42. Fried Banana Pudding
43. Fried Ribs
44. Fried Mozzarella Cheese Sticks
45. Fried Pina Colada
46. Fried Broccoli Cheese Bacon Bites
47. Fried Cheesecake
48. Texas Fried Frito Chili Pie
49. Fried Mexican Fire Crackers
50. Fried Butter
51. Potato Twirl
52. Ultimate Fried Hamburger
53. Funnel Cake (obvs)
Listling Without Commentary: Notes Left In My Cabin’s Comments/Questions/Concerns Box
1. I love swinging on PCP
2. Scissoring: Does anybody really do it?
3. Sometimes when I’m alone in the cabin and people come in but don’t acknowledge me, I like to pretend I’m dead. Is that normal?
4. I could really go for an orgasm.
5. Why do I feel feelings?
6. Does U-Haul do group discounts?
7.
8. My hips don’t lie.
9. Can you take a look at this rash?
10. I want Cheetos plz.
11. Which one of you is the girl?
12. BIRDS! (Caw! Caw!)
13.
14. Where is Lindsey’s motherfucking clip?
15. I wanna dance with somebody. I wanna feel the heat with somebody.
16. My crotch is buzzing. This is not a question. It is a comment. It is a concern.
17. Can the child within my heart rise above?
18. When I buy potatoes, should I feel bad for the ones I leave behind? Do you think they feel excluded?
19. Can you tell me how to use a dental dam?
20. Can I have a hug?
21. How do I lesbian seckz?
22. Where can I reserve a prom night hotel room?
23. Do you feel like your box has been sufficiently stuffed?
14 Things Tom Corbett Could Have Compared Same-Sex Marriage To Instead of Incest
Same-sex marriage: It’s like any other legally binding relationship between consenting adults, except people feel the need to make curious analogies about legalizing it. On Friday, Pennsylvania governor Tom Corbett joined the club when he apologized for an earlier comparison between same-sex marriage and child marriage by claiming “the appropriate analogy would have been brother and sister, don’t you think?” You don’t seem so certain, there, Tom. May I suggest one of these alternatives?
That’ll be a man, two women, my dog, and that lamp post.
14 Things Tom Corbett Could Have Compared Same-Sex Marriage To Instead of Incest
3. Abolishing slavery (in the United Kingdom)
4. Abolishing slavery (in the United States)
5. “Murder, for example, or polygamy, or cruelty to animals”
6. Pedophilia and baby farming
10. Beer, not water, and napkins, not paper towels
11. Paganism
13. Communism
Listling Without Commentary: Things We Say When We’re Not Quite Ready to Say “I Love You”
Feature Image via Shutterstock.com
Sometimes you just aren’t quite there yet, but maybe you want to be.
I love your pineapple.
(Via Shutterstock.com)
Things We Say When We’re Not Quite Ready to Say “I Love You”
1. I like you.
2. I heart you.
3. I miss you already.
4. You’re my favorite.
5. You’re special.
6. You make me so happy.
7. I opposite-of-hate you.
8. I really really really really like you… but not in the uncomfortable way.
9. I’m in like with you.
10. Honey, you’re just… you’re just great. Real… great.
11. If you were, like, my friend, I would totally say “I LOVE YOU” right now, but I can’t because we’re really casually dating.
12. You’re the best.
13. I super like being around you.
14. I like your face.
15. I like-like you.
16. I liiiikkkkee you.
17. I’m twitterpated with you.
18. I adore you.
19. I less than three you.
20. I made waffles.
55 Ways To Leave Your Lesbian Vampire Lover (According To True Blood)
by vanessa and cara
Have you noticed how much of the dialogue in True Blood is basically lifted from lesbian breakups? Well, we have.
1. “Tell her to get the fuck out of my life forever.”
2. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Well if you don’t want to hurt me, why don’t you… just not?”
3. “We are a team! And when I came to you to offer my resources, my money, my connections, and my love, you said nothing would separate us!”
“I said it, and I meant it.”
“Then do not walk out that door.”
“I have to go.”
4. “You assured me this would be violent.”
5. “Will you shut up about your shit when the world’s about to end?”
“Honey, I don’t know about the world, but I’m about to end your face.”
6. “How long have you known this was going to happen?”
“I didn’t.”
“But you can see the future!”
“These visions, they come to me as they come. I have no way of controlling what I see.”
“HOW VERY CONVENIENT FOR YOU.”
7. “You’re no fucking god.”
“I never said I was.”
“Get out. Leave my house.”
“I’m already gone.”
8. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Oh sweetie I know, life is really a shit-sandwich sometimes.”
9. “I am dead and you’re still overprotective, isn’t that just perfect.”
10. “I’m scared. It feels like the world is spinning out of control and… I have been greedy, and lustful, and wrathful.”
11. “You know this wasn’t just sex, this isn’t just some simple infatuation.”
“No, it never is.”
12. “Where’s Emma?”
“In the bathroom, crying.”
13. “I know you said you wanted to be left alone but I’m going to need you to tie me up.”
14. “Don’t you think she should put some clothes on?”
15. “I’m your number one bitch, don’t you ever forget it.”
16. “Butch the fuck up.”
17. “I just think we have the kind of friendship where we can give each other keys, is all.”
18. “If you agreed to be mine it would all be over. We could be a closed circle, you and me. We could live wherever we want, go wherever we want, day, night! We would be everything to each other because we would need only one anothers’ blood to survive. And we would never have to hurt anybody else, there would never be anybody else, just you and me.”
19. “Pain is a worthless emotion.”
20. “Do not take a tone with me!”
21. “You know love doesn’t have to be a competition between you and everybody else.”
“Fuck off. I mean it.”
“You just don’t want me to see you cry.”
“I’m not crying. Alright I’m crying but it’s because I’m fucking pissed.”
22. “When god’s message is this clear I am a truly unstoppable woman.”
23. “You don’t think that just because we had sex that that means I’m agreeing to marry you?”
24. “I can’t believe I’m leaving all of this in a voicemail.”
25. “What’s your longest relationship, two weeks? We fucked once now it’s you and me, girlfriends forever, that’s what you think?”
“No, I think you’re too busy crying over some unavailable asshole to give what’s happening between us a chance.”
“Oh honey, this isn’t going to be some epic fucking love story.”
26. “BULLSHIT, YOU’RE A LIAR AND A VOODOO QUEER!”
27. “I believe you. I believe in you. I believe that you are divine.”
28. “I’m alright, I’m a little better. Before, it was like someone was scalping my brain away one slice at a time and plucking out my heart with one of those little crab forks. But now, thanks to this [alcohol], it just feels like someone’s crushing my windpipe.”
29. “Excuse me Bitch Sergeant, who the fuck are you and why are you telling me what to do?”
30. “You have always known how I felt about you but you never cared! You always kept me waiting in the wings because there was a more dangerous guy in the picture and now you walk in here and Jesus fucking Christ, your timing could not be worse!”
31. “Yeah maybe you were an asshole, but right now you have the opportunity to make this right. At the beginning of all this you said I had to protect your humanity. Please do not make a failure out of me.”
32. “I’d rather walk the earth as a corpse than spend another minute thinking about you.”
33. “You’re fucking crazy!”
“I’m getting there!”
34. “Listen, you always seemed like a nice lady, behind the crazy and the hate. But I ain’t the same dumb kid…you know, I’ve been places. I’ve done things.”
“And I am a different woman than the girl you used to know. But you and me, we got some sort of connection. That’s why I’m not giving up on you…I have never felt more holy than when I was with you. And I truly believe god wants me to fuck you.”
35. “Destiny’s too much of a bitch to keep fighting.”
36. “You’re not a killer, don’t do this.”
“Oh it’s not me honey pie, it’s Jesus!”
37. “Did you ever love me?”
“Sure. There were times, hell yeah! Definitely love.”
38. “Don’t you dare leave me!”
39. “Be careful. When your heart runs away with you it’s easy to believe that someone will have your back forever. But I’m learning that forever is a rare thing in this world…”
40. “Meet Violet. She’s European.”
41. “I’ve changed. I can be trusted again.”
“That’s the thing though… even at your best, I could never really trust you.”
42. “It’s our destiny to be together!”
“Fuck destiny.”
43. “Don’t you dare say you love me you psycho freak!”
44. “I feel like I wanna have sex, or die, or die while having sex.”
45. “You’re a filthy fucking liar. You come in here and you say that you love me, and you want me… but you just want to fuck me and own me… well get it through your fucking head, I’m not yours or anybody’s, none of you know shit about love.”
46. “Now you want to save me? I thought I was dead to you.”
47. “I’ve been thinking. Even though your heart is breaking now, maybe it’s a sign. Maybe you and I should think about having a baby!”
48. “Death ain’t the end anymore, we all know that now. Death is just a fucking pit stop on a road that keeps on going. With no end in sight.”
49. “I’ve done an unspeakable thing.”
50. “Do not take me for granted… I won’t have it. When a woman comes to you in black lingerie, you unwrap her!”
51. “You’re a demon whore!”
52. “You know I wasn’t lying when I said I keep my promises, but a lot has changed since I last saw you.”
“You’ve been gone four hours.”
53. “You will drain me of all of my blood until I am but one inch from the true death, do you understand me?”
54. “I feel nothing.”
55. “Have fun with your sluts.”
Listling With Brief Commentary: Headlines For Posts That Neglecters Of Queer Women’s Websites Must Think We Write
comic by S.P. Burke via oh goodie
by riese, rachel & laneia
One of the more inspiring results of the kerfuffle surrounding Bryan Goldberg’s launch of Bustle.com has been the increase in attention towards a slew of incredible websites aimed at women — websites Goldberg neglected to acknowledge when declaring that the web had yet to see a women’s site featuring both beauty tips and news. But the women’s sites that have been garnering such mentions — from name-drops to editor quotes to spots on lady-blog-lists — are predictably limited. BECAUSE OF THE PATRIARCHY.
In just the past few days, queer women’s websites including Autostraddle failed to make this List of Bustle’s Rivals, CJR’s Required Skimming: Ladyblogs and Forbes’ The 100 Best Websites For Women 2013. That’s right, not one queer website on a list of ONE HUNDRED WOMEN’S WEBSITES. This is silly ’cause we’ve been operating Autostraddle for over four years now (longer than most of the frequently name-dropped sites), not to mention that the Forbes list includes sites that aren’t explicitly women-targeted, sites that are called “Pinterest,” sites that don’t get our traffic or AfterEllen’s, sites that don’t have THE BEST READERS IN THE WORLD, didn’t win Best Blog of 2012, haven’t started their own gay camp and haven’t printed boyshorts with “STRADDLE THIS” on the butt.
We usually channel our unattractive bitterness and jealousy into building houses for abandoned kittens and demolishing patriarchy with our bare hands (just kidding, we channel it into bitching with each other on Skype Chat) but today, when the Forbes list author responded to a commenter complaining about AfterEllen’s exclusion with, “we feel the 100 sites here are valuable (and entertaining) to women regardless of sexual orientation,” we were like “what do they think we write about?” and then Executive Editor Laneia joked that we should do a “listing of headlines for posts that other sites who ignore us must think we write.” You know, maybe they just don’t know that queer women are women, or maybe they don’t know that we also write about abortion and lipstick?
listling of headlines for posts that places who ignore us must think we write
1. Poetry About Your Girlfriend’s Yeast Infection
2. Eight New Kinds of Dildos For You To Gay Marry
3. Lilith Fair or Lilith Foul?
4. People We Know Are Gay Even Though They Think They Aren’t, Stupid Idiots
5. 35 Ways Of Looking at Ellen Degeneres’s Haircut
6. Cuteness Feeds the Patriarchy: Why You Need To Burn All Your Makeup and Hair Products
7. Does This Shirt Make Me Look Straight? How To Avoid Fitting In With Heterosexuals
8. Why Reproductive Rights Are Straight Girl Problems
9. It Happened to Her: My Straight BFF Crush Was Ostracized From Her Peer Group When Everyone Assumed We Were Fucking! LOL!
10. Make a Thing: Voodoo Dolls of Your Ex-Girlfriend Or Straight Best Friend Crush
11. How to Make Sure You Have The Coolest Set of Pronouns At the Potluck
12. Why Your Gender-Neutral Offspring Will Be Superior To Other Children
13. How To Avoid Ever Buying Things, Ever, Because Lesbians Hate Money
14. Seven Types Of Privilege You Didn’t Even Know Someone Could Have
15. Raise a Ruckus!: Being The Obnoxious Queer Moms At The PTO Meeting
16. Advanced Gluten Freedom: How To Eradicate The Last Traces of Gluten From Your Life (And Also Men)
17. Ode To My Pantry: Leftover Male Body Parts
18. It Happened To Me: I Was Best Friends With Someone’s Husband and He Fell In Love With Me Even Though I’m Gay
19. Top Ten Most Cruelty-Free Queer Studies Programs For Womyn-Loving-Womyn
20. How To Trick Straight Women Into Having Sex With You, and Then Kill Them!
21. This Long Rambly Mess About The Indigo Girls*
22. Birkenstocks: Best Shoe, or Only Shoe?
23. How to Overthrow Your Heteronormative Co-op/Farmer’s Market
24. You Think You’ve Thought of Everything You Could Possibly Paint With Menstrual Blood, But You’re Wrong!
25. Drum Circles For Dummies
26. God I Hate Men Even More Than I Thought I Could
27. It Happened To Me: Lesbian Separatist Commune
28. Shaved or Unshaved: Melissa Etheridge
29. Shaved or Unshaved: Rosie!
30. Shaved or Unshaved: You! — The Girl Gallery
*This is the current headline of an actual post Riese is writing that is still in the unfinished drafts folder. lol!
Listling Without Commentary: 17 Things My Mom Has Mailed Me This Year
Although some adult children living in cramped apartments/rooms seem to enjoy a wide breadth of storage space in their family homes, my mother is not a fan of having any of my shit in her apartment and therefore she has taken to mailing all of my worldly possessions from birth until the present, one by one. She sends these things in packages containing other, more exciting things, like matzoh ball soup mix. Also, sometimes she just sends me really random things she finds at garage sales. My Mom loves garage sales. Real talk: I also love garage sales.
17 Things My Mom Has Mailed Me This Year
1. “My Point… And I Do Have One” by Ellen DeGeneres
This was my favorite book for at least two months in 1995.
no really everybody had this haircut back then
2. Samantha, My American Girl Doll
I had to pull this baby out of the deep recesses of my closet to photograph her for this list, because my girlfriend banished her from our bedroom due to her apparent “creepy” nature.
really don’t see how anybody could find this creepy
3. Letter From My Friend Who Babysat My Samantha Doll While We Were On Vacation
Apparently I took doll-care really seriously. And paid the doll-sitter in stationary.
to be fair, samantha is just as purrty as she is pretty
4. Box of mixtapes I made circa 1991-1998
[click to enlarge]
5. Enormous T-Shirts Commemorating Memorable Personal Life Events Of The Early 1990s
I wore really giant shirts despite being a really tiny person. I’m saving these for if I ever get pregnant.
6. Possibly Homemade (???) 90’s Style Candlesticks
art deco
7. “Dress Me Up David” refrigerator magnets, sans David
Totally unclear regarding what happened to David.
really excited about those jockstraps
8. Letters From Mysterious Pen Pals
Seriously who are these people
i hope i asked for more information about the nautrul foods
there is something very wrong with checkers
I think this girl [below] was the daughter of a childhood friend of my mother’s. I was addicted to pen pals so I kinda picked them up wherever I could find them.
i have a lot of questions about what exactly happened on the jenny jones show
9. Jewish Propaganda
The good news is that if I ever become a better Jew, I will have plenty of materials with which to celebrate said Jewdom.
subtle
10. This Baby Deer
11. This Jewelry Box Circa 1988
You might be surprised to learn that I made most of these delightful accessories myself.
Clearly my true destiny was to be a jeweler.
watch out harry winston
12. Phil Collins’ “You Can’t Hurry Love” / “I Don’t Care Anymore Single”
Classic.
13. “The Ways of Fishes,” discarded by the Interlochen Library with inscription from my gay BFF Ryan
The summer after he graduated high school, Ryan would send me variety-box packages similar to the ones my Mom sends now — two or three tiny beanie babies, random books, assorted food items, greeting cards. Now that she’s started mailing me the things he mailed me, shit is getting meta.
14. My First-Ever Acceptance Letter, 1993
Spoiler Alert: they accepted everybody who submitted. IT’S A SCAM!
my poem was about winter fyi
15. Lots Of Old Greeting Cards
what can i say, i was pretty fucking special
poignant observations
16. Inexplicable Assortment of Stale Pistachios
This was not what I expected to find at the bottom of this package
mom is taking “packing peanuts” to a whole new level
17. This Thing
Actually this item has come in quite handy. I’m not sure what its intended purpose was, but you can store small items in the back, like dental floss, lighters and chapstick. Thanks Mom!
also, it’s true
Listling: 18 Things Found In The Wrong Places While Organizing A-Camp Supplies
1. Waiters wine bottle opener (first aid kit)
2. CoverGirl Liquiline Blast in purple, mine (first aid kit)
3. Setlist from “Bright Lights, Big Campground: An Evening With Haviland Stillwell” (High Tea supply box)
4. Handwritten sign that reads “I DID NOT PEE MYSELF” (general supply box)
5. Guitar tab for “Call Your Girlfriend” (general supply box)
6. Original poem written by an A-Camper (general crafting box)
7. Small water guns, green and purple (first aid kit)
8. Buttons, Thundercats cabin (Trader Joe’s bag)
9. American chocolates, assorted (Trader Joe’s bag)
10. Canadian chocolates, assorted (Trader Joe’s bag)
11. Boomerang, Runaways cabin (lip balm supply box)
12. Reasons you’re nervous to pick up on chicks, anonymously written on slips of paper (pen box)
13. Boxcutter, green, property of Trader Joe’s (library box)
14. Unopened package of plastic shot glasses (zine supply box)
15. Face paint sticks, used (library box)
16. Plastic pitcher, property Alpine Meadows Retreat (t-shirt stenciling supply box)
17. Makeup case used to hold tampons, mine (zine supply box)
18. Two battery-operated headlamps (makeup case used to hold tampons)
15 Funny Things Rachel Said Recently
Every day, the senior and contributing editors of this website engage in an e-mail reply-all, via which we discuss the news of the day as well as whatever Vanessa has feelings about. Rachel, our Senior Editor, is one of the many brilliant minds participating in these daily emails — in fact, she leads the discussion every other day. Sometimes she says funny things. Lately I feel like she’s been especially funny. I’m not sure why.
15 Funny Things Rachel Said Recently
1. trying to find news today is like trying to find your wallet in a stadium after a Michigan State game, where in this analogy “yammering about the Supreme Court” is “empty beer bottles and vomit.”
2. does anyone have any good vegan legume-free potluck recipes? asking for a friend.
3.
rachel: liz you’re going to be the best doctor in the world. how long before you can prescribe me xanax.
carmen: how long until you can give me a pelvic exam and then we do cocaine using our own dollar bills freshly printed from the treasury
rachel: i think carmen wins the award for today for “things i want to tweet but won’t”
4. five years from now when i’m living in a tree writing tracts about how monsanto is part of the illuminati cabal on recycled seventh-generation paper bags, you can pinpoint this as the moment it started.
5. Just want to share that since I’m currently on my phone, the picture of Liz’s panties is showing up in every new email and it’s really working well for me
6.
ali: Editors: Can any interns transcribe one of my female ejaculation interviews? Who is available today/is willing to do it?
rachel: moment of silence in which we all stop to appreciate how weird and great our job is via the question ali just asked
7. i feel like we should do a listening party of laneia liveblogging her reactions to tori amos songs
8. reagan’s daughter says he would have backed gay marriage? i, too, am bored of talking about marriage, but JESUS CHRIST republicans you can’t have reagan do EVERYTHING for you, may i remind you he is DEAD
9. does anyone know of a chrome extension or search term or anything that will make it so that when i use google or google news, no results from huffington post will ever come up ever? this is a real question.
10. today i had a really rough day at my day job and so i came home with a grand plan to make a personal pan vegan pizza for myself with my favorite toppings from childhood, which i did, but then when i baked it on a foil-lined pan it somehow stuck to the foil even though that is the exact opposite of the idea of foil and when i tried to unstick it all the toppings slid off and i had to put them back on with a spoon and i was preeeettty close to crying. but then i ate it and it tasted good! the end.
11.
riese: rachel/laneia/laura can somebody else look at the PLL open thread feelings post and publish it, because it hasn’t aired here yet and i don’t want to spoil it for myself
rachel: i will look at this post, this can be when i carried you
12. just want to share with everyone that today my horoscope literally says “today you are just like everybody else, except cuter and more articulate.”
13. everything is terrible but also ultimately ok.
14. Petition for an instructional video of Brittani folding underwear
15. hold up jasika nicole’s tumblr name is sugarbooty?
Listling Without Commentary: Your Really Special And Often Edible Ideas For A Better Autostraddle
photo via shutterstock
In our 2012 Reader Survey, we asked you so many questions. One of them was, “if you could add anything to Autostraddle, what would it be?”. Your answers were plentiful and useful and abundant and many of them we’ve already put into action, including overarching requests for more merch, meet-ups, personal essays, masculine-of-center stuff, sex, and perspectives from the South. There’s stuff we’re working on, too, like a faster, better-designed website, more essays from mememememe (there will be a new regular debuting soon, stay tuned), more international news, more trans* women contributors and more articles on ‘adult shit’ like home decorating. You also pointed out holes in our team that also drive us absolutely crazy and I would stick my hand in a food processor to fix tomorrow; like that only 35% of the women who write most frequently for this site are of color, that we lack a United Kingdom correspondent and that we don’t have any regular writers over the age of 35. Luckily we have this big bright future thing ahead of us and will hopefully accomplish all our goals.
But a lot of you thought way outside the box and came up with some really inventive ideas we’re definitely writing down on our whiteboard. Today I will share some of these brilliant offerings with you.
Really Special Suggestions For What You’d Add To Autostraddle:
- an official Autostraddle Pizza Delivery System
- more cheese-based goods
- moar cowbell
- Kristen Stewart as editor
- a wedding ring to be wed to me forever and ever.
- improved cat accessibility
- a pony
- koalas
- free cats
- free unicorns for everyone
- probs more butts
- a piñata
- more commenters on bi content who aren’t assholes
- video blogs with Megan Rapinoe
- a cupcake dispenser
- hot sauce
- grilled cheese
- myself in a cuddle puddle with Autostraddle staff
- Daily reports of what Sara Quin is doing. You know, in her day to day life. Perhaps you could hire someone to spy on her constantly. Im available to hack email accounts, tap phone lines, etc. Contact me for more information.
- a “find Me a Girlfriend” button
- a time-portal so I could read it all day and not use up work time
- hot girls who would pop out of my computer and hand feed me Nutella as I browsed the internet.
- a way to make all the team members pop out of my computer and give me hugs when i’m feeling down
- 3-D capabilities. for petting the whiskey kittehs, of course. not just the boobs.
- a teleporter
- the smell of baked goods
- the ability to order free nacho delivery
- an explanation as to why all queers are allergic to gluten
- a girl to lay in bed and read it with me.
Listling Without Commentary: Weird Things You Did As Children Because You Liked That Book So Much
Inspired by our list of kickass girl-novel heroines we wanted to be growing up, many of you commented to share childhood stories regarding the strange (and often homoerotic) things these books inspired you to do, such as carrying around a spy notebook to be more like Harriet.
Here are just some of those delightful activities:
- 1. I think there were years when I thought I WAS Laura Ingalls and ran around in prairie dresses climbing trees and spying.
- 2. I made a home movie with my neighbor girl around age 8 wherein I played Molly McIntire (I had the enormous glasses) and she was Samantha VictorianWhatsherface- it involved time travel and outstanding scriptwriting.
- 3. Definitely played “Heidi” as a child… you know like when kids play pretend or house or whatever… my friend and I would be Heidi and Clara.
- 4. After reading Anne of Green Gables I went through a (far too annoying) phase where I called people I liked “kindred spirits” and asked all of the girls at school to be my “bosom friend.” Clearly the lesbian card was being played even then.
- 5. After seeing the Harriet the Spy movie I made my parents buy me a Sherlock Holmesesque detective/spy kit. It was awesome.
- 6. At some point during my childhood, I may or may not have tried to float across a body of water in a wooden barrel. It didn’t turn out well. Thanks for the splinters Pippi.
- 7. In my fifth grade class we studied ships and at one point did a sleepover field trip to an old four-masted ship on the San Francisco pier. I WAS Charlotte Doyle for about three months afterwards.
- 8. I went through a brief phase where I wrote down everything about everyone in a secret composition notebook and pretended that I was Harriet.
- 9. I have a big stuffed collie that my nana gave me when I was seven still sitting at the end of my bed who’s called Timmy. We went on adventures.
- 10. I was the girl who wore full on pioneer garb (bonnet, bloomers and all) to school most days during fourth grade. I didn’t have a lot of friends. But I had a lot of heroes.
- 11. One of the reasons I got an alaskan malamute as an adult was because of Rontu in island of the blue dolphins. #goodadultdecisionmaking
- 12. It’s entirely possible that I wrote erotic Laura Ingalls Wilder fanfiction when I was a kid.
- 13. In kindergarten my teacher used to read us The Boxcar Children, and my friends and I would play “Boxcar Children” on the playground. I actually was always Benny, which makes total sense now that I’m grown up but still dress like a 12-year-old boy.
- 14. My best friend in primary school and I used to play Saddle Club in the schoolyard at breaktime, we would ride imaginary horses over jumps made of sticks and the boys from the year above would make fun of us but I got to be Stevie so zero fucks.
- 15. The Secret Island was basically my favourite childhood book. I used to go out in the backyard and practice weaving the branches of trees together to make a house. I was pretty successful too.
- 16. I was a fan of Julie’s from Julie of the Wolves. I went through this wolf phase in elementary school, so I totally wanted to be Julie and be adopted into a wolf pack, even if I had to live in the frozen tundra.
- 17. Harriet the Spy inspired me to peer out of my windows with my crappy binoculars and watch people and write stuff down about them. This consumed most of my day.
- 18. When we read The Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler book in school, my third grade reading teacher Mrs. Andrews turned our school into a fake Met. We had to hide from fake museum guards in bathroom stalls, and budget money and shit in the cafeteria. Most memorable school experience probs ever.
29 Things We No Longer Understand In A Post-Camp World
- How to make my own food
- How to not open a beer at 4pm
- How to check my mail
- That the scissors are in the same room as me
- Get into or out of a bed that isn’t a top bunk
- How to use the desktop version of my own email, Facebook, etc.
- How many times i am able to wear the same articles of clothing without judgement
- Why drinking outdoors is not legal
- How to spend most of the day inside
- How to make real coffee
- How to function without being surrounded by tons of awesome people
- Why we can’t just take a break and collage and/or drink tea all the time
- Why it’s unacceptable to ask my co-workers if they need to process their feelings or if they’d rather just get drunk in deer lodge
- That sometimes the cute lesbian who looks like a 12 year old boy is, in fact, a 12 year old boy
- That you aren’t supposed to show up to your job with a purple bandana wrapped around your bicep
- Not everyone in real life went to the sex panel
- It means something different when someone says a bear has been spotted in the vicinity
- How to exist in a world where no one asks my preferred gender pronoun
- That I can no longer tell strangers that their clit deserves it
- That the hopper isn’t coming to clean up my dishes
- What my day’s going to be like without Marni and Robin telling me my schedule
- How to deal with having unlimited time in the bathroom
- The notion that some meals might not actually be that great with Cholula
- What it’s like to go to sleep before 3 am
- That that couple holding hands — that femme-y girl and that adorable boi — is actually a straight couple
- That towels can actually be beautiful absorbent things and not $3 pieces of “fleece” from the grocery store
- Digesting food
- How to handle EST
- What to do with all these leftover bandanas.
Listling Without Commentary: Playlists You Asked Us To Make
Whenever we publish a playlist on Autostraddle we invite everyone to submit their playlist requests to the team. Most requests are fairly standard (working out, studying, breaking up, etc), but then sometimes you weirdos ask for the cutest, funniest, most specific or most random things. I LOVE IT.
Playlists You Asked Us To Make
- a ‘covering up the sound of sex’ playlist
- a bad news relationship partner playlist
- a playlist that captures big, first-love feelings for your best friend
- a playlist for when she won’t say yes and she won’t say no, so you have to be the one to say no
- a playlist about bikes
- a playlist about sparrows
- a playlist to be hungover to
- a playlist so my brain doesn’t melt in the library
- a sexytime playlist that says ‘I listen to cool stuff that makes you want to kiss me’
- a playlist for doing art
- a ‘I better clean this apartment before my roommate kills me’ playlist
- a playlist for nights when it’s just you and you’re not getting any
- a playlist about being really into this girl, but not ready for ‘i love you, i want you forever’ songs
- a playlist for getting pumped on rugby game days
- a playlist for ‘I didn’t know you for long, but now I’m kind of in love with you. Thing is, you graduated and left the country. You never knew how much I liked you’
- a playlist for when you meet someone who seems so right for you that you feel like karma’s about to punch you in the face
- a playlist for being in love with a girl who’s most likely straight. I can only listen to so may Jenny Owen Youngs’ songs.
- an ‘Autostraddle loves Shakira’ playlist
- a playlist that isn’t about Shakira
Want to suggest a playlist theme? Hit me up on Formspring and someone of the team might make it for you.
Listlings Without Commentary: 21 Words You Invented And 15 Weird Words You Chose To Describe Autostraddle
is about to write “amazeballs”
Last year’s reader survey asked you what one word you’d use to describe Autostraddle, and this inspired most of you to make up strange words that don’t exist.
This year’s survey was no exception. Whereas most of you included variations on concepts such as ‘awesome,’ ‘necessary’ and ‘important,’ many of you used other words we’d never heard before, such as “SUPERFRESHSOFRESHLEMONSGOT NOTHINGONAUTOSTRADDLE” and “feministcuddlepartyviainternet.” A surprisingly large number of respondents chose “amazeballs,” “gaylicious” and “dyketastic.”
Some of our favorite made-up words are included below, as well as another listling featuring some of the strangest terms you chose to describe Autostraddle.
Listling Without Commentary: 21 Words You Invented to Describe Autostraddle on the 2012 Autostraddle Reader Survey:
1. cliterary
2. lesbinformative
3. neccesexual
4. whiskey-delicious
5. inoventive
6. amaze-vajajays
7. somehowevengayerthantumblr
8. scrumtrilescent
9. glitterclitorama
10. queergressive
11. fantasmageducationosexalogical
12. pantidisestabli
13. lesbiannerdcrack
14. gayurvedic
15. tribadass
16. badass-gnarl-dical!
17. unfuckwithable
18. ilenewho
19. awestraddletastic
20. queerbraingasm
21. ireallywannabeinthisyearslistlingwithoutcommentary
is typing “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”
Listling Without Commentary #2: 15 Weird Words You Chose To Describe Autostraddle
1. aardvark
2. catholic
3. bible
4. gucci
5. marmalade
6. fergalicious
7. pubescent
8. masturbation
9. HIGH-FIVE
10. rainbow sherbet
11. crack
12. naive
13. fuck me with a strap-on
14. cake boss
15. YOLO
Listling Without Commentary: How You Described Your Sexual Orientation On The AS Reader Survey
2012 AS reader survey results (click to enlarge)
Last week’s Autostraddle Audience Survey was a smashing success, garnering a record response rate and consequentially producing heaps of data for Meredydd to geek out over! While she’s doing math or whatever, I’m looking into more important matters, like “how many of y’all identify as queer?” (48.5%, FYI).
Question #40 asked “which term(s) best describe your sexuality? (select all that apply)” and offered a list of options (lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, pansexual, sexually fluid, questioning, straight, asexual) and also invited respondents to select “other” and then “please specify.” It turns out there are so many more things in the alphabet.
Below are just some of the descriptions you gave of your own sexual orientation in the 2012 Autostraddle Reader Survey.
How You Described Your Sexuality On The AS 2012 Reader Survey:
1. my sexual preference is often, babe
2. I have no idea what to label the damn thing
3. sexy
4. maybe jesus will tell us if he ever shows up
5. agronsexual
6. i’ll try anything twice
7. fuck labels in the ear with a banana
8. I used to like men and women, but men kind of suck, so I’m sticking to chicks for the time being.
9. i just really like butts
10. In therapy to determine best label.
11. Alone
12. bossy bottom boned by butch
13. funsexual – i only date fun people
14. Emma Watson
15. NOT QUEER ENOUGH
16. I can like dudes sometimes, until he pulls his pants down
17. nun-like
18. Fucking awesome
19. inexperienced
20. i wish i knew
21. everything all the time
22. big homo
23. ALL THE LABELS
24. one night stands with a side of straight up trust issues
25. unicorn
26. lesbian with a fetish for geeks of all gender (does that make me bi? I don’t know))
27. Life is easier in the bathtub
28. pussy 4 dinner
Listling Without Commentary: Things Women Said About Lesbianism In The 1976 Hite Report on Female Sexuality
In 1976, Shere Hite published The Hite Report, a monumental and groundbreaking study of female sexuality. Over 3,000 women between the ages of 14 and 78 participated, sharing their intimate feelings about sex. The book opened numerous eyeballs and enlightened many about the nature of female orgasms and masturbation.
8% of respondents said they preferred sex with women, and an additional 9% ID’ed as bisexual or reported having sexual experiences with both men and women. Hite noted that “one of the most striking points about the answers received to the other questionnaires was how frequently, even when it was not specifically asked, women brought up the fact that they might be interested in having sexual relations with another woman.”
The following lines are excerpts from testimonies given by the study’s respondents, as quoted in the section of The Hite Report entitled LESBIANISM.
Excerpts From Women’s Testimonials On The 1976 Hite Report As Quoted In The section entitled “LESBIANISM”:
1. “I have been brought up to believe women are more attractive and more beautiful and I am beginning to believe it.”
2. “I’ve slept with about twenty men and one woman. I found the woman much better.”
3. “Sex with a woman for me has involved pressing mound of Venus against mound of Venus on each other’s leg.”
4. “I’d love to massage a woman I liked and was turned on to, and then gradually arouse her sexually through massage and then slowly make love to her and then stop and talk, and then make love again, then sleep together. But I’d never have the nerve!”
5. “No woman has ever asked me ‘Didja come?’ They knew.”
6. “Once we made love in my parents’ bed in candlelight and discovered our love for each other as sexual women. Also once we made love all night in great passion and were soft and silly and warm, and great love was built that night. The difference with boys is it is much shorter.”
7. “I think I am a lesbian, which is not too helpful since I’m married.”
8. “If you dig another woman, let her know — she may very well feel the same. If it freaks her out, talk to her about it — she needs to loosen up.”
9. “I want a woman lover — or more. I generally want closer relationships with women; I want to do all the things only men are supposed to do! I want to explore!!!”
10. “I think women often make love by talking a certain way, at least I do.”
11. “Some times I think I could go straight from deep mouth kissing to clitoral stimulation to have orgasm. It depends on my state of “readiness.” I like also to have my lover touch me very lightly, with her tongue and hands, all over my body, especially my buttocks and lower abdomen. There is no one ‘best’ way of clitoral stimulation — when she uses her mouth it’s no different than her fingers. Sometimes I like her mouth at first and then her finger, and the other times, just her mouth. Either her tongue gently flicking my clitoris, or her mouth sucking me hard, or her finger moving right above my clitoris in an increasingly rapid up and down movement, usually makes me orgasm. Sometimes she pushes her mouth hard against me and shakes her head rapidly from side to side — I orgasm this way also. One thing — I guess it’s easier for me if we start lovemaking with our clothes on and do not have more than a minute’s interruption for removal of clothes. Otherwise I get a little self-conscious.”
12. “Once we were hugging and kissing and starting to make love and all of a sudden she says, ‘What part of the world do armadillos live in?'”
13. “It is good simply to be with women. I could not have written that five years ago. I hated women, believed perfection was male and I looked like a fairly successful imitation of a Barbie doll. Except that I kept rejecting Kens.”
14. “Liz, my roommate, and I have oftentimes made love when one of us has emotional problems.”
15. “At seven, I used to become highly aroused fantasizing kissing a certain girlfriend. By about twelve, I was fantasizing necking with both sexes. By about fourteen, I wanted to fuck; or, more mysterious and exciting and forbidden, do whatever it was the lesbians did! Now I do. And it’s great.”
16. “I am currently thinking of lesbianism as an alternative to abstinence, and to men in general, because they are not very liberated sexually or emotionally or in any other way, and I can’t stand it any more!”
17. “Sex with a woman includes: touching, kissing, smiling, looking serious, embracing, talking, digital intercourse, caressing, looking, cunnilingus, undressing, remembering later, making sounds, sometimes gently biting, sometimes crying, and breathing and singing together.”
18. “I’ve yet to meet a lesbian who uses a dildo. I think that’s one great big male porno trip.”
19. “Lesbianism in my view is a far-out alternative to always being underneath some man and being a baby machine.”
20. “I believe that this is true for countless millions of wives, in spite of all the claims to orgasm, that they really don’t know what orgasm is… I was taken by surprise in a lesbian relationship [when] I experienced real, buffola total eclipse orgasm for the first time. Wow.”
21. “Once my heart had an orgasm when she was hugging me and looking at me and saying how she loved me. Hers did too.”