26 Excerpts From Scathing Amazon and Netflix Reviews Of “Orange Is The New Black”
Orange is the New Black‘s third season begins this Friday and apparently not everybody is as excited about it as I am. There are some very upset humans on the internet who did not like this show one bit and who disagree with Netflix’s suggestion that fans of Breaking Bad might enjoy this program.
So, what follows are excerpts from negative reviews of Orange is The New Black I found on Amazon and Netflix.
Many of these opinions are totally valid, especially the ones about Jason Biggs.
Many of them will make you wish the reviewer would sit on a knife.
All of them have been ripped mercilessly out of context for your entertainment.
1. The main character has the personality of a dead fish and where did they get her boyfriend, the used toilet brush store?
2. More like “bitter is the new black”
3. THIS TYPE OF GROSS SEXUAL HUMOR IS TYPICAL OF THE KIND OF CULTURALLY CORRUPTIVE TRIPE RUNNING RAMPANT IN MEDIA.
4. I’m a gay male, and nothing about the female body or female sexuality excites me; in fact, it turns me off. So just the idea of a women’s prison doesn’t automatically get my juices flowing, and the abundant nudity and sex in this series leaves me cold and irritated. On top of that, every single character in this series is annoying, from the leads to the very least of the supporting roles… A Jewish nerd is pretty much my ideal man, but there’s something very creepy about Jason Biggs (he isn’t Jewish, for one thing) that negates any appeal the character might have. There aren’t even any real villains I can hate, just dozens of petty, stupid, ugly, obnoxious jerks, who spend all their time posing and snarling.
5. Two sets of breasts in the first 50 seconds told me not to bother.
6. This country is doomed, I might be switching back to something like an AM radio station for my entertainment
7. If you have a Y chromosome, an IQ in excess of your belt size or have ever considered voting Republican, you are NOT this show’s targeted demographic. You have been warned.
8. Overall imo this show is a disaster, but if your an American and like idiot American tv then this is probably right down your alley.
9. These inmates come up with words and knowledge that are supposed to be witty, when you know in reality, women prisoners would not even have that vocabulary.
10. This is just about some dumb girl who smokes pot and decides too go to jail because she got too bored of watching Half Baked and not working
11. I had no idea the program was so vulgar and pornographic
12. That one inmate has been pregnant for 2 years and she’s not even showing yet!
13. Is it me or all the guards have their american flags on backwards?
14. It made no sense for the Russian lady to get so pissed about someone insulting her food when a few episodes later she complains about her crappy ingredients.
15. This is more for gay people and I just couldn’t get into it.
16. Quite inappropriate. I only watched 5 minutes of the first episode before i had to watch something else. Well I am only 13…..
17. I really got bored with it; soft porn. Although I did not watch the entire season, my husband did. lol
18. WHY… is this always on the “New Releases” list, when it’s been created and promoted by Netflx since 2013? Do you suppose they are desperate to wring every last viewer out of it? No amount of “not interested” or One stars seem to get them to leave me alone… C’mon Netflx, this is NOT new, new, new!!
19. Also no one likes Jason Biggs… HE SUCKS SO HARD. Who the hell wants to watch Jason Biggs beat off?
20. I hate the theme song. I always fast-forward through it. It’s frustratingly vapid, so I do my best to avoid it. It adds nothing to the show except some teenage caterwauling, which the shows doesn’t benefit from.
21. No I don’t want to watch some manly women masturbating until she has an orgasm.
22. If you’re into mild Lesbianism (or shocked by it) maybe you’ll be interested or you’ve lived a sheltered life.
23. More horrifying than The Exorcist as well as more morally compromised, more disgusting and more damaging in intent.
24. If you don’t mind watching in every episode probably two scenes with women shoving their faces in each others crotches without any lead up for the scene or romantic love, than this is the series for you.
25. Sexist in the worst way. Horrible portrayal of men. If women were portrayed the way men are in this show, people would be up in arms.
26. It’s June 12, where is season 3??? I’ve been waiting patiently!! This show is phenomenal!
Looking for legitimately deep conversation on potentially controversial elements of Orange is the New Black? We suggest: Orange is the New Black: 7 Things We Should Talk About and How “Real” Is “Orange Is The New Black”? Comparing The Show To The Memoir To The Numbers.
47 Truly Fantastic Ways You Described Yourselves When Registering For A-Camp 2015
who let these people in
It’s that time again — the time of year when I gather four cups of those sweet little figs, a gallon of your least favorite brand of coconut water, a modest stack of shredded Whole Foods make-your-own-burrito forms, a lock of Julia Nunes’ hair, a single serving of Bikini zone, a chunk of astroturf from a homoerotic Olympic event, the eggs you froze to make a baby and, from this magical combination of ingredients, I produce your June A-Camp CABIN ASSIGNMENTS! (ETA: within the next 7-10 days.)
This year, as in last year and the year before, I gave you a chance to describe yourself when you registered so that I could try to put you in a cabin with other humans who are exactly as weird or as interested in Game of Thrones or “cuddles” or whiskey as you are. It’s not a perfect process — and this year we’re throwing in another element to the cabin game that’s made it even more challenging — but I think I get it right about 65% of the time. This year will be no exception. I think most of you will have a very good time.
So, here are some sentences from your descriptions of yourselves, ripped mercilessly out of context and placed here, in this list, for our communal entertainment and delight.
1. A-Camp seems like the perfect place for me because my gaydar sucks and I have a lot of feelings.
2. I’m a true Slytherin, I hate Jessie from Toy Story 2, and I’m a pretty big music nerd.
3. Sam Adams is the only boy who will ever touch my heart.
4. I’m a Latina speaker, educator, and budding therapist who wields words and mink jawbone earrings to strike fear into the hearts of oppressive jerks.
5. I can and often do go on tangents about the models of disease causation and the importance of the biopsychosocial model of health.
6. I’m handy with a hammer, if you know what I mean.
7. I enjoy owls, oxfords, ties, and organizing cupboards and closets. I struggle with washing silverware. FORKS ARE HARD.
8. If I were in roller derby my name would be “Little Susi Bonebreaker.”
9. Last year I saw a HANDLE of Tanqueray Gin at Ralph’s and I’m still hoping its a thing they do.
10. I love M-Rod no matter how many stupid things she says. Grace Jones is my Goddess of worship and Faith Lehane is my patron saint.
11. I am a professional hand talker by day, and a queer space alien cult leader on nights and weekends.
12. I’ve seen Clueless at least a thousand times and can quote pretty much the entire movie. I don’t know what that says about me exactly? Maybe that I love the 90s, hanging with my lady posse, and that I would date my stepbrother (ok, definitely not that last part)?
13. I somewhat resemble the old man from Up in both appearance and temperament.
14. I’m a cross between what a nerd thinks a cool kid is and what a cool kid thinks a nerd is.
15. If sassy bunnies could copulate, I would have exploded into life as the gayest unicorn there ever lived!
16. I once described my hobbies as drinking, going to the cinema, and drinking in the cinema.
17. I like cheese… and Alycea Arline… and sniffing all the candles in Bath and Body Works.
18. I like knitting, baking, indoor/outdoor gardening, reading, writing, yoga-ing, rock climbing and wine-sipping to a soundtrack of Beyoncé, Andrea Gibson, Prokofiev, Bach, and the original cast of Rent.
19. I come with a legitimate belief that my daily expression of science factoids brings enjoyment to the masses.
20. I am a Comanche/Mexican-American psychology phd student who identifies primarily as Ravenclaw, but with a Slytherin secondary.
21. I’m good at creating Sims households inspired by literary families, my The Sound and the Fury family being my magnum opus.
22. Growing up, I was desperately in love with both Jewel Straite circa “Space Cases” and Jennifer Lopez circa “J to tha L-O!: The Remixes.”
23. I have a huge collection of rubber duckies, and they are the only decorative items in my house.
24. I’m the life of the party when I can be bothered to attend.
25. I like scuba diving and spelunking and am 50 feet tall and have tentacles instead of a mouth. Chthonian!
26. I was on the bear team in Yosemite, so if you need help chasing bears away from trashcans, I can actually claim to be a professional at this task.
27. I dislike feet, most straight cis men, and the texture of bananas.
28. I was left in a bassinet outside the Portland feminist bookstore and raised feral by hipsters and drag queens.
29. I am a frustrated Indiana taxpayer.
30. I get separation anxiety when I’m away from my favorite beanie.
31. I do best around people who are really chill but friendly, which is probably why most of my friends are potheads.
32. I spend a lot of time trying to decide whether I’d be in Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw.
33. I like big, midwestern feelings.
34. I am a dragon. Or a weirdo. Depends on who you ask.
35. I AM AN AGGRESSIVELY SWEET COCONUT WHO MAKES NO SENSE.
36. I would watch Fringe and wonder how Jasika Nicole’s hair could be so perfect. And then I found out how crafty she is and that solidified my love for her. But also I’m excited to meet the other campers.
37. I was a member for a day of the Stockholm Surrealist Group.
38. I’ve been described as “Peter Pan” by some of my favourite people.
39. I have alternative hair, and it has a mind of its own.
40. On my own I have about a half hour of “meeting strangers” material, suitable for all audiences.
41. The last time I camped in a cabin was at methodist summer camp where a room of cishet girls compared nipples while I bit my hand in the corner and avoided eye contact.
42. I imagine A-Camp like The Last Unicorn; after a long stretch of loneliness, I ditch the straight world and I’m united with my magical unicorn sisterhood in an enchanted land.
43. I’ve played bass guitar since middle school and used to enjoy people’s surprise at hearing a mild-mannered half-Asian girl rock out to funk rock. Then I cut my hair and people don’t seem as surprised :(
44. I think I’m pretty outgoing by British standards but maybe only average by American standards.
45. I usually get nervous meeting new people in settings like this so I do a stupid thing where I pretend like I’m too cool for bonding activities and then people think I’m mean so I don’t make any friends and I’m sad about it. THE GOOD THING IS I PLAN TO BE AS UNCOOL AS POSSIBLE AT A-CAMP BECAUSE ENTHUSIASM IS EXTREMELY UNDERRATED.
46. Riese, I hope you are having a really nice day and are not too stressed out about cabin assignments. I’ve sacrificed a chicken to bring good luck to you in this endeavor. Don’t tell the vegans.
47. I can shove my fist into my mouth. No, I can’t. I don’t know why I said that.
The 100 Most Ambitious Places You’ve Had Sex
In February 2015, Autostraddle launched The Ultimate Lesbian Sex Survey, open to all “lady-types who sleep with lady-types.” We garnered over 8,566 complete responses (89% of which were from people between the ages of 18 and 36) and now we’re sharing the results with you, bit by bit. Previously: How Often Do Queer Women Have Sex?, 100 Gayest Places You’ve Had Sex, The Masturbation Habits of Queer Women, 50 Really Fascinating Things You Wanted Us To Know About How You Have Sex, 26 Bits of Solid Sex Advice, 41 Feelings You Have About Scissoring, Here Are Your Very Queer Underwear-Wearing Habits and When It Comes To Orgasms, Lesbians Are Nailing It. Today we’re talking about when and where you have sex!
Earlier this month, I told you that I’d been putting together a listling of “the weirdest places you’ve had sex” and compiling numbers about where you’ve had sex for a post devoted to that topic when I began to notice another listling opportunity was right there for the taking- The 100 Gayest Places You’ve Had Sex! So I wrote that list. It was glorious. And now it’s time for that original list I told you I was working on to have its time in the sun. First, your topical infographic:
Now for the list! We asked you “what is the weirdest place you’ve had sex?” and nearly 7,000 of you gave us the details on your experiences in dressing rooms, bathrooms, parking lots and wooded areas all over the universe! Here are some of the most ambitious stories you shared with us.
1. In an ark at Christian summer camp
2. In the cramped backseat of a two-door car under a blanket while parked in a crowded parking lot after dark.
3. A youth hostel bathroom in Portland. A group of Dutch lads started cheering outside.
4. Radio station recording studio — neither of us worked there
5. At the top of the Eiffel Tower
6. At the table in Ruby Tuesday
7. At a Blue Man Group concert
8. Parked near that skate park under the Burnside Bridge in a PT Cruiser
9. On a faux bear fur rug on a hill overlooking Skywalker Ranch
10. UCLA’s botanical gardens (after hours). Also, several roofs of public buildings at UCLA.
11. Magic Mountain under the water ride
12. Track 22, Grand Central Terminal, on a stack of pallets
13. My boss’ desk. She was such an asshole, so it was extra fun.
14. On a giant ferris wheel in Taiwan
15. On a bowling alley lane — started on the beginning of the lane ended up by the pins :)
16. Every rest stop between Indiana and Virginia
17. A moving cab after getting hammered at the Philadelphia Flower Shower for free, less because of the cab sex and more because of how strangely and unexpectedly easy it is to get hammered at the Philadelphia Flower Show.
18. The top of a spiral staircase in a fancy strip mall.
19. In a chicken coop
20. In front of a Winnie the Pooh painting in an art gallery.
21. A beach in a chair — starting a low tide, ending at an inconvenient higher tide
22. A jungle gym at an elementary school in the middle of the day during a rainstorm
23. In the wardrobe department on the lot of Paramount Pictures.
24. In the desert while a coyote was licking my foot!
25. In a car park during a drug raid
26. Mattress factory
27. The aardvark exhibit at the zoo
28. In front of a monkey exhibit at a zoo I worked at.
29. In the campus fossil museum in front of a cave bear skeleton
30. In the mountains of a foreign country far away from home overlooking a fucking castle in the town below, on a very random bed which just seemed to have been dropped up there. It was a full moon and big fires were lit. I would have felt like some kind of Disney princess if it wasn’t for the raging drunkenness. And the fucking, obviously.
31. In the kids section of H&M
32. Suspended from an outdoor rock climbing wall.
33. In a tank in Iraq
34. In a bulldozer scoop
35. The Temple of the Moon at Teotihuacan, Mexico.
36. Behind my really religious middle school, by a statue of Michael defeating Lucifer.
37. This hotel in Munich that Hitler had stayed at. I had to stop. It freaked me out.
38. In the lake where Otis Redding’s plane crashed.
39. Within the Ancient Egyptian section of the British Museum
40. The drinks trolley in a Texaco storeroom
41. A Civil War battlefield
42. Holocaust Museum
43. Inside a wax museum
44. At adventure river in the Wisconsin Dells water park
45. Spiderman roller coaster at Universal Studios
46. Lost in the Dole pineapple maze in Hawaii
47. On a small boat in the middle of a lake in Croatia
48. On an oil rig in the ocean
49. On an ant colony, unfortunately
50. In a poison Ivy Patch
51. On a hay stack. And she ended up being allergic. :(
52. In a Zipcar when we only had 10 minutes left.
53. The Montreal Science Center’s glass room
54. In a Model T
55. In a geodesic dome
56. Against the crumbling facade of an old Spanish bordello in the Arizona borderlands, while close friends and coworkers danced to a classic rock jam band playing in the courtyard of the cantina next door.
57. Bow of a cruise ship, Titanic-style.
58. On a cliff top at high tide in the middle of the night during a meteor shower.
59. On the fire line while fighting fire in Montana. Hot. Literally.
60. Once I had sex in a parked car at the U.S.-Mexico border while we were waiting, because the line to get in was taking forever.
61. In a radio station while on the air (I was a DJ being fucked by another DJ)
63. My girlfriends office when she was a campus minister.
64. On top of a ship’s stack (where the smoke comes out- but the engines were off, so it was safe) And also in a ship’s ‘shaft alley’- google it.
65. Party City
66. In a grain silo
67. For the sake of religious people I apologise but in a church with my partner at the time tied to the cross.
68. The roof of Northwestern’s psychology building
69. In a mini golf course in the cave in the middle of the day.
70. In a Barnes and Noble parking lot next to a cop car with the cop in it.
71. In a rent-by-the-hour shower room at a truck stop off a highway in rural Kentucky
72. Middle of a freeway. As in on my back on the freeway. That chunk of the freeway was closed and I was exploring with a Tinder date when we both kind of simultaneously decided how cool it would be to have had sex in the middle of the free way. Also on an abandoned bridge later
73. On my back in a Corolla on a bridge in a Little Bo Peep costume
74. The back end of a van that was cut in half and retrofitted to look like one of those sex mobiles from the 70s
75. In Colonial Williamsburg, against the courthouse.
76. Drunkenly in the dry food storage pantry in the kitchen of a legion-type hall. It happened during my partner’s aunt and uncle’s 40th wedding anniversary party. We thought no one knew. Everyone knew.
77. My girlfriend years ago was a bridge operator in Portland Oregon. We had sex on pretty much each bridge, inside of the booth where the buttons and levers are. Now they are all touch screen. I still smile when I go over bridges.
78. I lost my virginity during the movie “Elizabethtown” while in a movie theater.
79. An abandoned mall food court
80. Driving 80 mph in the carpool lane
81. Next to my girlfriend’s sleeping ex
82. In my college president’s bed… twice. With two different people.
83. Ethan Allen showroom/store
84. Halfway up a fig tree
85. In the doorway of an old, closed synagogue in Cracow, Poland
86. Against a windmill in Holland
87. In my high school classroom during a lecture. My girlfriend and I covered each other in our jackets and jerked each other off until we came. We even answered questions to the teacher in the middle of it.
88. On a plastic lawn chair in a walled garden behind my girlfriend’s college dorm room, in the corner of the garden closest to the garbage bins because that was the part that wasn’t visible from dorm windows.
89. College library (I was a library assistant so I knew which barcodes and therefore which floors were the least popular.)
90. The fact I lost my virginity at a Disney World resort is something to talk about, I guess.
91. In a Best Buy parking lot.
92. Grassy knoll behind a Walgreens :-/
93. Behind a bush in Kansas.
94. That high threesome I had in the forest on the bank of a pond adjacent to the evangelical Christian midwestern college I attended at the time.
95. In the parking lot of a Jehovah’s Witnesses’ church in front of the security camera.
96. At the top of a doorframe. i.e., my ass five feet off the ground, knees over a partner’s shoulders, hands hooking onto the doorframe.
97. In a car dealership parking lot in the back of a pickup truck, standing.
98. In the backseat of a boat parked outside a Bass Pro Shop (in a parking in the middle of the Arizona desert)
99. On a volcano. No lie.
100. Splash Mountain. Just kidding, that was my roommates!
50 Fascinating Things You Really Wanted Us To Know About How You Have Sex
On our Ultimate Lesbian Sex Survey (open to all women who have sex with women) we asked you, at the very end of the survey, if there was “anything else you want to tell us about how you fuck.” Of the nearly nine thousand humans who finished the survey, 3,361 of you took us up on that offer. Previously, we shared with you some of the sex advice you gave us in that section, but today, we’d like to share with you some of the things you shared with us just to share them, because sharing is caring and you are… amazing. You’re amazing. All of you are really, really truly amazing creatures. So, here are 50 statements you made, ripped mercilessly out of context and presented here for our collective enjoyment:
1. My mother had sex with a woman for the first time last night, and announced this afternoon that she is “transformed.” Lesbian/queer sex is transformative!
2. Just because a girl looks innocent doesn’t mean she’s not kinky as fuck
3. Once I humped a pillow while my girlfriend was on top of me and our landlord interrupted us to call through the door asking about rent and I answered without stopping the humping
4. The cats won’t stay off the damn bed.
5. I fuck with the coordination of a newborn lamb.
6. Buttsex is more fun than I expected!
7. There is something about a woman in a tux, you know? Like she could bring you into the bathroom, run her hand up your dress, fuck you on the sink, and then go back out into the party like nothing happened. But there’s that quick smile on her face when she brings you your champagne.
8. I sometimes talk about comic book characters in the middle of sex
9. I fuck as though I have no fucks to give.
11. I get off to Debbie Does Dallas. The feminist in me is sad. My clitoris is not.
12. After many years banging dudes because I thought that’s what I *should* be doing, it’s amazing to wake up to the woman I love and fuck her because it’s what I *want* to be doing.
13. Listening to Sleater-Kinney turns me on and I have the One Beat CD in my car and sometimes when I’m listening to it while driving on the highway I masturbate.
14. ALWAYS SOCKS ON
15. SEX WITH LADIES IS THE COOLEST
16. listl LIGHTS LOW, MUSIC LOUD. I-I-I-I could fuck you all the ti-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ime I-i-i-i-i-i-i-ime, i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ime.
17. FISTING = ROMANCE
18. I happy cry after fisting! Every time! Hooray for being a big gay!
19. If you even slightly touch my nipples I’m horny and you better be prepared to fuck me
20. I’ve had a threesome, with a husband and wife, every night for the past three months, with the exception of 12 days. And I’m fucking enjoying every damn minute of it!!!
21. Mindfuck, heartfuck, clitfuck, lovefuck, nursefuck, cosmosfuck, fingermouths, tonguefingers, earclit
22. Before sleeping with someone I really liked for the first time, I was terrified. There was this idea that all lesbians were really good in bed and I was afraid to tell someone I was inexperienced when I thought they were expecting me to just put my hand in their jeans and make some sort of orgasmic-Shane-alchemy happen. And then I had sex with someone I really liked for the first time and it felt like for the first time my body was doing exactly what it was meant to do and I didn’t have to think about a single thing and I was like, “Fuck, maybe all gay women really are good at sex, because I certainly am.” There is no other feeling in the world like making someone cry real tears because of how good you feel inside of them. Goddamn. Being gay was the best thing to ever happen to my sex life, I’ll tell ya that.
23. Thank you Autostraddle — every girl I’ve fucked has been a Straddler, many of whom I met at Straddler events!
24. I had an impromptu four-way last night. Just FYI.
25. Oral sex is definitely what tongues were made for. The whole eating-food-thing is just an added benefit.
26. Big 70’s style bush is the best
27. My cat likes to sit on me when I masturbate (I don’t let him) also the first time I went down on my girlfriend my cat jumped on her stomach and I laughed until I cried …. dammit, cat.
28. I’m going to build my own harness out of bike parts!
29. One time I had sex on acid and my genitals looked like my dad’s face.
30. I say a lot of things about myself during sex that I would not say about myself at any other time, primarily phrases like “I’m your bitch.”
31. I could make Christian Grey look like a kitten in the bedroom.
32. Lesbians love boobs. Regardless of how often my fiancee and I fuck, we feel each other up constantly.
33. It’s my birthday and my girl is taking me to a bondage swingers club! I’m super excited!
34. They say sex is like pizza, but I feel like sex with guys is like frozen pizza. Yeah okay, it’s something, but it’s not really what I want when I want pizza.
35. I fucked a girl with a carrot once
36. Usually there is talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, crying, drinking, writing, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking, and dreaming involved.
37. I think if we are twisted in some kind of weird pretzel formation and are both being penetrated, it it is a great day.
38. My partner is a GOD IN BED and I’m never ever banging another straight person again.
39. It’s better now at age 57 than any other time in my life!
40. If I could get with more women, I would be able to fill out so many more things on this survey.
41. Sometimes when I come really hard, I see rainbows.
42. I fuck like a pornstar Party like a rockstar Play like an all star
43. My first time was in the toilet cubicle of a classy café.
44. Afterwards I feel all fuzzy inside – like a sexed up bear who just wants to snuggle.
45. I can’t say enough about hanging upside down, tangled in fruit by the foot.
46. I’ve had some weird sex and some great sex and I wake up everyday so fucking greatful that I’m queer as fuck.
47. It took me six years to get to a proper orgasm, I’m not waiting six more to get fisted – let it be known!
48. At least my dildo loves me.
49. I think we need a scientific inquiry about cats’ fascination with lesbian sex. I don’t think I’ve had sex in which a cat did not wander in to watch. Or would chill under the bed. Is this a common experience?
50. I’d like to tell everyone else to OWN IT. Own who you are. Own your sex life. Own your right to fuck who you want, how you want (assuming they also want that). Women and the LGBTQ population have been told for too long what they should and shouldn’t do. Fuck that. Let’s own our sexuality.
The 100 Gayest Places You’ve Had Sex
On our massive Lesbian Sex Survey (open to all women who have sex with other women) we asked you “what is the weirdest place you’ve had sex?” and nearly 7,000 of you gave us the details on your experiences in dressing rooms, bathrooms, parking lots and wooded areas all over the universe!
While putting together a listling of the weirdest places you’ve had sex and compiling numbers about where you’ve had sex for a post devoted to that topic, I gradually realized another listling opportunity was right there in my open fists — the queerest, gayest, most yes homo, most yes queen, most super-special-snowflake places you’ve gotten it on. Shall we?
The 100 Gayest Places You’ve Had Sex
1. In the crowd at a Pride Festival
2. The back of a Jeep next to a beaver pond. That’s right. Beaver. Pond. A pond with an entire family of beavers in it.
3. The back of a U-Haul. It was not in motion.
4. In front of the Smith College Library in a hurricane
5. My ex-boyfriend’s house with my new girlfriend
6. A nunnery tower
7. The can yard at a recycling plant
8. The office of LGBT Affairs
9. On a table filled with crafts….at A-Camp
10. An open field during a folk festival
11. In an upstairs room at the SPCA after looking at puppies with my girlfriend
12. A busy supermarket parking lot near our donor’s house — the fresher the sperm the better right?
13. The shed of our community garden
14. In my ex-girlfriend’s bed, but not with her…
15. The back of a Prius on Mt. Feelings
16. Home Depot
17. The Hampshire College Senior Project Platform Treehouse
18. Army Boot Camp female showers in Afghanistan
19. Finney Chapel, Oberlin College
20. An alcove of an apartment building on Castro Street in San Francisco
21. On the floor of a rave while doing tantric yoga
22. In the bush
23. My college’s Gay-Straight Alliance office
24. In my sorority house. With my sorority sister. During initiation.
25. Girlfriend’s parents’ closet (and we were both in the closet at the time so that’s why it was weird)
26. In a stairwell of a co-op house
27. In the middle of a rugby pitch at night
28. Under an apple tree next to a carpark full of nuns
29. At a Miley Cyrus concert
30. In a jail cell while visiting my girlfriend (she’s a cop)
31. The Mount Holyoke Amphitheater and several places in the library
32. IKEA
33. During The Rocky Horror Picture Show (“Toucha Toucha Touch Me”)
34. The Catholic liturgy section (surprisingly unintentional) of Neilson Library at Smith College.
35. On the ferry to Fire Island
36. In the pit at an Otep show
37. On the conference table of The Seattle Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce with a girl I’d just met.
38. When we were on our way to Brighton she pulled up in a car park which had “dyke” in the name. It had to be done.
39. Pitchers mound on a baseball diamond at a softball tournament
40. The basement of a bike shop
41. Underneath a table (the pulpit) in a chapel. Specifically, the chapel belonging to my former All-Girls Catholic middle school.
42. Against a fence outside of the Wildrose in Seattle
43. In a cob house built on a queer farm with a straight girl
44. On a bus surrounded by people on the way to a protest
45. Burning Man strap-on-a-thon
46. While riding a power sander at a job site
47. Her boyfriend’s house
48. Bathroom stall at a 90’s prom after asking her into the stall “to borrow a tampon”
49. The back of a Suburu Forester
50. Girl Scout Camp on the grounds of a Catholic Church
51. The bathroom of a homophobic cult/restaurant
52. Klub Deer
53. In the bed of her ex’s truck
54. In a memorial garden under a statue of the Virgin Mary. If I wasn’t already on the way to hell…
55. In the bathroom at Stonewall Inn
56. My front garden (that’s not an euphemism btw)
57. Dolly Parton concert, while sitting in the audience
58. A gender-neutral bathroom in my college’s science building
59. The bathroom at the Lex? Jk everyone has sex there
60. Second-hand bookstore, amongst a collection of vintage women’s weekly magazines
61. In the front row of a Broadway show
62. On my Women’s Studies professor’s desk (not with her)
63. In a dressing room while prom dress shopping with my girlfriend at the time
64. In a bookstore in downtown Montreal
65. The bathroom of a lesbian-friendly Strip Club
66. At a Pagan shrine in Ireland
67. In a very small very messy bathroom with a cat nearby and parents in the other room with no lock on the door
68. Walk-in cooler at a vegan restaurant
69. A tent at Coachella
70. Dolores Park
71. On a ranch, in the homophobic ranch owners shower
72. UCLA’s botanical gardens
73. Library of Congress subclass HQ, 4th floor, Mudd Library, Oberlin College. Ohio is a pretty weird place in general to have sex.
74. The breastfeeding room at the mall
75. In a yurt tent in the French Haut-Savoie
76. Rodeo bathroom stall
77. On route 17 driving from Santa Cruz back to SF. She was driving with one hand down my cutoff shorts. SO DANGEROUS and SO HOT. And completely successful might I add.
78. The photo booth at a gay bar
79. Back seat of my car in the parking lot of a sports bar during a Denver Broncos game
80. On a charter bus full of Rollergirls
81. I’ve had so much sex in the woods/outdoors that I no longer consider it a weird way to have sex….. shout out to A-Camp, yo.
82. In the office of the LGBT group I belonged to in college
83. Club bathroom at The Crib in San Francisco! Oh, to be wasted, underage, and unapologetic.
84. On top of a climbing tower, wearing harnesses
85. On the sidewalk in Palm Springs, in the middle of the day. Sober.
86. The Women’s Resource Center
87. On a yoga mat, outside
88. Standing up against the back wall of a small unlit stage in the middle of the playa during Burning Man… while someone apparently circled around on a bike
89. In/on a tractor…yeehaw y’all!
90. In the backseat of a mini-van at Lilith Fair
91. On a moving motorcycle, while dressed as Buzz Lightyear (gogo boots, green and purple tutus, and blow up wings), being fingered alternately by the driver and another who kept pace beside us on our way home from a strip club in Key West.
92. On a golf course
93. Dont laugh: a fishmonger.
94. The YWCA Parking Lot
95. In the stands of a racetrack while a horse race was happening
96. In a closet (We barely got through it, we were laughing too damn hard)
97. On a public sidewalk during a punk rock block party all day festival
98. Inside a confessional at St. Patrick’s Cathedral
99. In a classroom at UC Berkeley
100. In the car at a drive in. At a Harry Potter movie. The shame.
34 Awesome, Non-Existent and Otherwise Special Jobs You Wish You Had
I learned a lot about you weirdos reading the results of our first-ever Autostraddle Grown-Ups Survey, which we unleashed upon the world last month in order to ensure our fingers were firmly on the pulses of our readers over the age of 29. One of the things we asked about was your job — what you did for a living, and also what you wish you were doing for a living, if not your present job.
Here’s what a word cloud of answers to “if not your present job, what job do you aspire towards?” looks like:
The fact that so many of you want to be librarians is the most heart-warming thing to hit my heart since we won a GLAAD Award.
And, below, some of the most kickass / interesting / unique jobs y’all named… as well as some VERY VERY SPECIAL occupations we fear may not exist.
1. queen of the world
2. Owning my own feral cat sanctuary
3. lesbian Boyz II Men a-capella cover group
4. supreme ruler of trivia nights
5. teaching poetry to kids
6. Independently Wealthy 19th century Victorian Lady-Scientist
7. Something with diplomatic immunity
8. Professional bench jeweler / metalsmith
9. Sex Ed teacher or Rock Star
10. Evil Overlord
11. One in which I use Word more than Excel
12. CBC Radio Host
13. World Changer For The Better
14. writer illustrator separatist farm queer southern rural community organizer
15. Secretary of State
16. Swashbuckler
17. Head of a venture capital firm that invests millions in Autostraddle
18. Dog therapist!
19. Luthier
20. Outreach coordinator at a California mid-size city’s public library
21. Writer, Best-selling
22. Plant Ecologist for the National Park Service
23. Homesteader/woodworker/maplesugarbusher
24. Opera singer 100%, yo
25. Rabbi/Camp Director/Mother/Ohmy
26. Girls Rock Camp Programming Coordinator
27. Dominatrix
28. I aspire to be a homicide detective.
29. Lunch lady
30. Clean energy technology innovator
31. Cherie Jaffe
32. Meditation and Dreams Coach
33. Working for a large international company where i can rock a power suit and order people around all over the world, obviously.
34. I want to sit at home and write about girl bands in space
35. World, Ruler of
Listling Without Commentary: 22 Excerpts From Brutal Amazon Customer Reviews Of “The L Word”
While re-watching L Word episodes on Amazon in order to screencap them for our 17 Devastating Lesbian Breakups post I drifted, as I so often do, into the customer reviews of The L Word. The one-star and two-star reviews, of course. You’ll not be surprised to learn that people have very strong opinions about this program.
So, I present, ripped mercilessly out of context and sometimes edited for clarity but sometimes left totally intact and horrible, some of the best things amazon reviewers had to say about the show we will forever and always love to hate.
1. I heard that this show was the lesbian version of Sex and the City which is not at all true. They don’t delve into fashion at all.
2. To all the men who have daughters…… KEEP THEM AWAY FROM THIS SICK SHOW.
3. This show bored me to tears. The plot was a total drag. I don’t care if someone is a lesbian but for heaven sake there is more to life than picking up people for sex, etc.
4. I gave this show a fair chance. I watched the pilot and the next 4 eps. The characters are anorexic, they’re way too focused on each other’s lives (busy bodies from hell on crank), they’re not working nearly hard enough to afford living in LA, and they’re just not that interesting.
5. Way too raunchy! Story line could be good but falls short due to over abundance of porn scenes.
6. This show feeds the desire to go against the physical faculties of our body created to procreate. Society has compromised by creating a “Do it if it feels right” mentality. Immoral behavior feels right too, but it is still wrong. In my book, wrong never has a grey area.
7. i thought the L word was short for The Loser Word. lol
8. I bought this without truly knowing what it was about. When I found out, I threw it away. I am not against homosexuality, I just don’t want to watch it.
9. Those who think this series will aid lesbians in their quest for equal rights are kidding themselves.
10. We’ve got two power lesbians who keep saying, “let’s make a baby.” Two women cannot “make” a baby. This notion is ridiculous.
11. Yes, Jenny needed to die – but was it necessary to make ME want to be the killer?
12. My advice to the L chicks: get a life or maybe take all that time you spend in despair and do some volunteer work for the underprivileged. Just a suggestion.
13. I watched this show for the first couple of minutes and it became very clear to me what the “L” word means. This is not my kind of show.
14. These self inflicted dejected, disappointed, grieving, heart-sick, melancholy, miserable, bellyachers are the poster children for those groups of trendy home-owning high end European car driving never satisfied with being successful-comfortable-financially-stable so all they do is whine about everything that nobody cares about.
15. It’s a little too much for me — cross-dressers, pregnancy, affairs, etc. It was a bad soap to me. I have no prejudice one way or another, truly. I just couldn’t “get into” the story lines enough to keep me interested.
16. I couldn’t bear having it in my room so I broke it and threw it in a huge garbage next to our house. Hope this review stops you from buying it, don’t repeat the mistake that I’ve done.
17. Turns out lesbians aren’t that interesting.
18. The episode “Lucky” has “provocative scenes” that depict the Son of God, Our Lord Jesus Christ, in carnal situations. The plot seems to be that art can be interpreted by anyone in their own way, art should have free expression, and it is okay to depict someone’s art even if it is offensive to some groups. Well, that being the case, will someone please tell me if in other episodes will there be offensive depictions of Mohammed and Moses? Why is it that art can offend Christians but not Muslims and Jews? I refuse to watch the rest of the episodes.
19. Wanted to know what all the hype was about. Fell aslee. Watching. Bored me and I didn’t even get through half of disc one
20. I hate to break it to those people, but lesbians tend to dress like men, act like men–and look like men. The “hot babe” is about as foreign to the lesbian demographic as “Mexicans” are to the nativist crowd these days.
21. Don’t watch this show with your family. Very sick subject matter. Looks like the L’s deleted my last comment on here. Warning people that this show is sick is wrong now. WoW.
22. The whole point of the series is to show nude women having sex in front of the camera. I’ll bet the actors aren’t even lesbians.
27 Things I Didn’t Say Out Loud While Watching Teevee
(feature image via shutterstock)
Not everybody has the extreme pleasure of viewing television shows and films with a human IMDB who is capable of providing loud and enthusiastic pop-up-video style trivia tidbits and filmographies in real time. Alas, some people who do have this privilege aren’t interested or able to speculate about the resumes of everybody who shows up on screen. Furthermore, they enjoy hearing the program they’ve sat down to watch rather than hearing aforementioned pop-up-video-style commentary, for some reason. As you may have gathered, the human IMDB I’m referring to in this situation is me. Nobody besides Carlytron talks over the teevee quite like I do! Sure, some things need to be said when they need to be said, but apparently “that’s the guy from Lost!” is not one of those things.
So, a few weeks ago I decided to start writing down all the who-is-that-actor things I wanted to say instead of saying them. Sometimes I write them down even if I’m watching TV alone, just to get it out of my system. I’ve found this to be a really effective strategy and I would recommend it to anybody suffering from a similar situation on their sofa. Besides I’m pretty sure my girlfriend is gonna read this list and think, wow I wish she had told me about the guy from Lost, you know?
I recently asked Laneia if she thought it’d be funny to put these notes into a listling and she said yes, which means at least one person is about to enjoy what I’ve gathered for you below.
Maybe you can guess what we were watching!
1. Ohhhhh it’s Jennifer Love Hewitt!
2. Look, the sex worker is Patricia Arquette! Remember her from Boyhood?
3. Oh that’s that guy from Nashville, Tami Taylor’s husband? I feel like he always plays like, politicians or something.
4. That guy is in everything! He was in Selma and The Wire remember I was telling you about him after Selma?
5. You know that other guy in Selma who I thought I’d seen in a comedy or something but didn’t know which one? It turns out he was in the Big Gay Sketch Show. So random, right?
6. That guy is only in crime shows, I swear! He’s been like in four crime shows. He was Olivia’s boyfriend in that episode of SVU we saw the other day when she had that weird dinner party?
7. I thought that was Hannah Horvath’s father but then I realized he was someone else’s father on a different show. But also I think he played a psychiatrist recently, he’s been in like 200 things. I imagine him sitting in a chair with a notebook looking at somebody sitting on a couch.
8. OMG IT’S DAWSON!
9. Is that Grace Helbig?
10. No it’s definitely not Grace Helbig.
11. It’s Charles Grodin! And Anthony Rapport! From Rent!? This is crazy. He went to my high school. When did Charles Grodin get so old though?
12. That’s Michael Urie! His boyfriend was like in my web of friends in high school. We smoked pot at Pine Knob at an Ani concert.
13. She was Steve’s mom on Sex and The City! She’s always playing people’s Moms.
14. It’s Lili Taylor!!! Omg I love her I want to do a Top Ten Lili Taylor roles. I feel like she’s going to live forever ! Omg you weren’t born yet when she was like, a THING.
15. I didn’t know he was gay, that actor? Did you know that? I was flipping through an Out 100 and he was on it! I wonder if he talks like that in real life.
16. OMG Desmond from Lost just rescued Olivia!
17. She said “the truth about cats and dogs” just then because she was in that movie, The Truth About Cats and Dogs. That was such a weird movie ’cause the whole premise was that she was too ugly to get a man, but she isn’t ugly! It’s so weird. Movies.
18. Update: that guy I thought was maybe Hannah Horvath’s father? He’s actually Hannah Horvath’s therapist.
19. And that’s the girl from Life Partners! The straight one. I know I knew her from somewhere.
20. Wait is that the guy who was Adam’s Apple or whatever on Glee?
21. Oh it’s the lady from Desperate Housewives!
22. It’s Miss Claudette!!!
23. Oh man, where do I know that guy from? I feel like he played an office drone but without the beard? Okay I just looked it up on IMDB, he was in 30 Rock.
24. That actress I feel like she’s always in old timey things, like Back to the Future III. I think she used to be a big deal. Mary Steenberger or something, I think she’s married to Ted Danson.
25. Mary Kay Place! Always the sister or the friend’s mom, never the bride.
26. It’s Jason from True Blood! He doesn’t sound Australian or Southern he just sounds normal it’s so weird.
27. Well, we just came totally full circle because the guy who plays Hannah Horvath’s father is the lawyer taking to Cabot in that scene. Fuck I’m a genius.
26 Bits Of Solid Sex Advice You Gave Us On Autostraddle’s Lesbosexy Sex Survey
Last month’s Ultimate Lesbian Sex Survey was a rip-roaring success. We received over 8,000 completed surveys and are still sifting through that massive pile of data. You can expect numerous posts drawing on survey data on this website throughout the year.
In the last question of the survey we asked, “Is there anything else you want to tell us about the way you fuck?” and many of you told us not only about your own sex lives but also about how to make our own sex lives more awesome. Here’s some of what you said.*
Sexy Advice From the 2015 Ultimate Lesbian Sex Survey
- fuck with respect and trust ALWAYS.
- Freedom, respect, consent, love, eagerness
- Sex toys ALL THE TIME!
- Sex is art.
- Pussy > Cigarettes (don’t start smoking it is bad for you)
- Sex is like a degree and each person you fuck is a new course you’re taking.
- Sitting on a girl’s face is the best way to start the day tbh
- It’s all about the story. Fantasy is huge!
- life != porn tastes. like at all.
- The hottest and most fun sex involves humor as silliness.
- Gotta have music to set the mood. For kink scenes, metal.
- There’s a lot of soul care that needs to happen sometimes.
- Asking for what you want is the best way to get it and it’s worth the vulnerability required to ask.
- Take your time, but when it’s time you better give them what they’ve been waiting for.
- Poly threesomes are the best!!!
- <ore lube, y’all
- Everything is more fun when laughter is included.
- Oral sex is awesome and everyone should enjoy giving and receiving more of it!
- hard, fast, slow, soft, teasing, but always with trust and care.
- WASH YOUR HANDS IF YOU ATE BUFFALO WINGS BEFORE GETTING LAID, OMG.
- Fast and furiously fucking each other at the same time is challenging, but nothing beats it.
- The dirtier the better.
- It always comes down to communication and enthusiasm. If you’ve got that, you’re golden.
- Orgasms are not always the end goal.
- You enjoy your food while you’re eating it, not when it’s all done. So enjoy what you’re eating! Have fun with the process!! No pressure! :)
- Fucking is awesome! People should fuck more or less. Whatever they are into. The end.
*Some responses have been edited/condensed.
21 Indications That This 1892 Teenage Murderess Was Insane, and By “Insane” I Mean “Gay”
In 1892, the entire country was captivated by the trial of Alice Mitchell, a 19-year-old from a respected Memphis family who’d gone and murdered her ex-fiancee Freda Ward after Ward reneged on their plan to get married and be together forever. The story of Alice and Freda is told by writer, historian and researcher Alexis Coe in the book Alice and Freda Forever: A Murder in Memphis. Coe meticulously researched the girls’ romance, the case against Alice and her trial, revealing the particular social norms and cultural shifts happening at the time w/r/t popular conception of gender roles, class and race that made the case such a sensation.
Nobody doubted that Alice had killed Freda — the murder had occurred in broad daylight in public — but her lawyers needed to prove that she was insane in order to get her committed to an asylum rather than sentenced to death or life imprisonment. Their primary argument: any woman who could be in love with another woman was obviously insane for that reason alone. “Therein lay the brilliance of the present insanity plea,” writes Coe. “It explained what appeared to be inexplicable, and recast a murderess as the sympathetic victim of her own illness.” Nobody used the word “gay” back then, of course, the popular term was “invert” (as you may recall from The Well of Loneliness) and was used to describe humans we’d now categorize as transgender and/or gay.
Unfortunately, my dear queer friends, I worry that many of you are at risk as I suspect you also possess many of these qualities. I fear for the health of your soul!
21 Qualities of Alice Mitchell Presented By The Defense As Part Of Their Case To Prove Her Insanity (And By “Insanity” I Mean “Homosexuality”)
1. “[Her mother] undertook to teach her crocheting, but could not.”
2. She “delighted in marbles and tops.”
3. Her best friend’s older brother asked her to dance this one time and she said no, she’d rather lie in a hammock with her best friend
4. Her face was asymmetrical
5. “She often rode [her horse] bareback.”
6. Her mother suffered “puerperal insanity” following the births of her children and because Alice was her final and most difficult pregnancy, it was therefore obvious that her mother had easily “passed her insanity” onto her daughter, making Alice “someone capable of perverse, unnatural love.”
7. “She was regarded as mentally wrong by young men.”
8. She believed she could marry a woman and that they could have a family together without having children. (“A childless home, to [the doctor’s] mind, served no purpose, and could only be understood as another sign of unreason.”1)
9. She was left-handed
10. She could “pump a [baseball] swing” better than her brother
11. She suffered from nosebleeds during her period, labeled as “vicarious menstruation.”
12. She planned on passing as a man and supporting Freda financially
13. She kept marbles and baseballs in her bedroom
14. She thought she was in love with a woman
15. She failed to “balk” when the butcher called her a tomboy
16. She enjoyed target shooting with a small rifle
17. She disliked sewing and needlework
18. She suffered from extreme nervous excitement and headaches
19. She was on a baseball team
20. She was a very good climber.
21. “When only four or five years old, she spent much time at a swing in the yard of the family performing such feats upon it as skinning the cat, and hanging by an arm or a leg.”
1. Dr. John Hill Callander testified that “The frankness and sincerity of her manner on this topic was evidence either of a gross delusion or the conception of a person imbecile, or of a child without knowledge of the usual results of matrimony or the connubial state, or of the purpose of the organs of generation in the sexes.”
Check out Alice and Freda Forever: A Murder in Memphis for yourself and learn the whole sordid story. I liked it a lot!
Listling Without Commentary: 27 Excerpts From 1-Star Reviews Of Bad Lesbian Movies
It is well-established that the vast majority of lesbian films are relatively insufferable. This doesn’t seem to stop the vast majority of lesbian films from receiving glowing reviews on amazon, but amid these peddlers of questionable evaluations there are many reviewers fighting for the truth (the truth = “THAT SUCKED”). You can also find these brave warriors in the review sections of universally poorly-rated lesbian films, where they were the only 1-star reviewers who got past the first ten minutes in order to write a really thorough negative review worth excerpting.
The following excerpts have been ripped mercilessly out of context from one-star reviews of various lesbian films.
1. “First of all, I want to go on record by saying that any individuals that actually thought this film was good in any way are definitely lost and delirious themselves.”
2. “You know the little video progress bar at the bottom? I kept checking it and thinking, “if there isn’t that much left, I might make it to the end.” I swear the thing was going backwards. The only reason I finished it is because I’m too OCD not to finish a movie. But this one tested my affliction.”
3. I AM NOT INTO SAME SEX MOVIES. GOOD EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN. THE BLOND WAS NOT AN ACTOR. THE BRUNETTE WAS IN OUTER SPACE
4. “We all thought it was going to be sexy and hot, but I’ve seen more action in a Miller Lite commercial.”
5. “I suppose the intention here was to create a movie mainly for the Lesbian population. You perhaps succeeded there but unfortunately I think you also succeeded in insulting our intelligence.”
6. “Amazon…can you refund the last hour and a half of my life, plus interest? I know; I shouldn’t blame you. You were just the messenger.”
7. “I think the director or writer went into an LSD trance halfway through”
8. “I’m not sure what the creators of this movie were trying to accomplish but, unless it was to make my ears cringe, I don’t think that they succeeded.”
9. “I could have told a better story with a slideshow in powerpoint.”
10. “It was like watching a very bad porno movie but never getting to the porn.”
12.”Imagine, for a moment, a really, REALLY bad Kenny G video (you know, soft focus filters, lots of hair, and entirely too much make-up. And that’s just on Kenny G). Then, throw in all of the worse-than-stilted acting from Claire of the Moon, heavy-handed music that’s a string arrangement from the stock “bow-wow-chikka-wow-wow!” groove of your typical porn flick, add a dash of “look, I can edit VHS!” skills and, voila! You have the basic ingredients of this 1980’s housewife’s Harlequinn Romance idea of “what lesbians do.”
13. “I hope these folks have day jobs, because they sure as hell can’t act, direct, write, produce. Maybe they can cook……..?”
14. “What’s next – lesbian versions of Das Experiment and The Princess and the Warrior? I can already see the titles now, Das Sexperiment and The Princess and The Princess.”
15. “Even if you hate chocolate, it’s still way better than this.”
16. “Want to watch a fat het man chain smoke? Want to watch a skinny gay girl sob? Want to watch them inexplicably, suddenly become best bffs? This is your flick.”
17. “The dialog was forced and way to grammatically correct.”
18. “Who wrote the plot? Cracked-out monkeys from outer space? Yo Gabba Gabba is more entertaining then this piece of trash! Only reason I gave it one star? There was no option for zero stars.”
18. “Why do some gay movies have to be so bad? I haven’t found an answer to that one yet, however I have a feeling that it’s a conspiracy. The Republicans are funding terrible gay movies to make the entire population straight!”
19. “If you can stand just killing time and watching a [horrible] movie, then go ahead. Heck, you can go to the john a few times, go out for some pizza, and even walk your dog. You won’t miss anything.”
20. “It was more like nude yoga or Cirque de Soliel than a passionate love story.”
21. “It looks like an infomercial broadcast at 2am for some new age guru who wants to help you find your twin flame.”
22. “I started to write a really bad review but then I remembered hearing a filmmaker once say, “even in the worst movie there is something good to be found there.” So, in keeping with that spirit, here is the good I found: the movie is only 40 min long. There you have it.”
23. I COULDNT WATCH IT. I PAID AND I TRAVEL FOR VACATION AND BEING THERE I COULD EVEN OPEN IT. WHEN I WAS BACK IT DIDNT APPEARED IN MY LIBRARY OR ANYTHING.
24. “This is a flick for teenage boys to get brief glimpses of French-speaking girls being partially naked.”
25. “I am sorry but I can’t abide by this. You are destroying our morality and you love it. You want to destroy our culture. That is what this is all about.”
26. “You’d think that a movie about a book that is promoting the vagina would show a few vaginas. Not here. There are a bunch of people talking about how women should not be ashamed of their vaginas, how beautiful vaginas are, and how no vagina looks the same; yet no vaginas. I thought the whole point was that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Seems ridiculous to me. What’s next? Will they produce a show about gardening, yet show no plants? Or maybe they’ll make a travel documentary about Italy, and just interview people from Utah who’ve been to Italy.”
27. “After watching quality lesbian films this was very disappointing. Bring back The L Word!”
Listling Without Commentary: 26 Excerpts From Negative Yelp Reviews Of Lesbian Bars By Men and Straight People
relevant image from our trip to The Lex last weekend
A few weeks ago, we all had a nice time reading excerpts from 1-star Yelp reviews of lesbian bars from actual queer women. But lesbians aren’t the only humans with feelings about their lesbian bars — there are some straights and gay men with a few choice words to share as well. (This list could’ve easily been 26 accusations of “hypocritical” stances on equality or reminders that “discrimination goes both ways” from people horrified that there might ever be a space that doesn’t immediately prioritize their needs.) Everybody has mixed feelings about mixed crowds at lesbian bars, and the reviews are mixed, too — for every straight and/or male hater, there’s another who loves the place despite not being its target audience! Every night, in some lesbian bar somewhere around the world, a straight woman or a man is having a really nice time with his gay lady pals. It’s true! But there are also some straight women and men who can’t handle the adventure and instead wrote these reviews on Yelp. (Also, #23 isn’t actually a negative review, I just thought it was funny.)
If you think lesbians hate lesbian bars, just listen to these folks!
Everything below has been ripped mercilessly out of context.
1. “The staff act like they don’t want you there — or maybe it’s my penis they don’t want there.”
2. “To The Drew Carey lookalike Lesbian bouncer: be nice to people, especially to customers. You never know who will write a review and call you out on your rudeness. Oh and for your own health reasons: lose some weight or adjust your attitude. Nobody likes a Mean Fat Person. You can’t be both!”
3. “One star for interesting “go-go” dancers.”
4. “When my friend used the men’s restroom he discovered that someone had written above the urinal “you are not welcome here.” Really?”
5. “I intentionally let some stranger beat me at pool because 1. this girl was sporting a mullet and 2. I think she was carrying a knife.”
6. “Why do I keep finding myself at [gay bar]?! Oh yeah… my friend has to score some blow.”
7. “Well, after building this place up in my mind for years and begging countless females to let me tag along, last Friday I finally got to experience [bar]. It was so anti-climatic to realize it is just a neighborhood bar that happens to be very woman-identified.”
8. “I have a feeling as to why we were rushed out: we weren’t lesbians.”
9. “Can you imagine what kind of uproar these women would have caused if the roles were reversed and they were refused entrance into a straight business? LOL! They’d probably call all the local news stations!”
10. “The door dyke was SO rude and sour that I’m a little scurred of her — even though I’m over 6′ and she’s probably a foot shorter.”
11. “Most of the “ladies ” here are haters. So much for a supportive, all-inclusive gay community. Perhaps they were jealous because I have fuller facial hair.”
12. “No matter how much you tip or compliment the bartenders, you cannot get them to crack a smile. You may, however, see their crack as their Dickies sag or when they bend over to grab a beer.”
13. “The place is so dingy, grimy, and gross that I seriously believe monsters are going to come flying out of the bathroom at any moment and swoop down on all the dudes and chop our heads off.”
14. “I had met the owner a dozen times but either she never remembered my name or pretended not to. This was obviously because I was a guy.”
15. “The place smelled like onions.”
16. “I tried making conversations with a couple chicks there with no intentions but a friendly gesture and I would literally get quick, sharp answers. I’m sorry, I was interested in how adorable your pug was, not you. I’m straight.”
17. “Talking with my female friends, their guess is that the owner is a manhater.”
18. “I’m reviewing [bar] solely as a neighbor sick of the asinine wasted jackasses that roll out of here at all hours. I’m talking each and every night, around 2 am, girls AND guys are yelling in the streets, usually fighting with each other, trees, street poles, god knows what.”
19. “I must say though, never have I seen a more dapper bunch of men and a more openly horny female population.”
20. “She had no cause to be rude to me, unless she’s male-o-phobic or something.”
21. “Gay or not, If you have a dangling unit, don’t go here.”
22. “Some girl with a fake purse tried to tell my friend that she had a mullet, when it was clearly layered fringe.”
23. “even tho I am a dong pirate, I like [bar]. The crowd is fun and rad, the bartenderwomen are hot so if i was going to go the other way id probably go for one of them.”
24. “You preach equality, yet if you are a newcomer (and straight, accompanied by your boyfriend) to [bar], you will not even be served a drink within 30 minutes (at least). I was excited to be in an establishment that would respect the fact that everyone lives differently, and these differences should be embraced. Unfortunately, because I am heterosexual, I’m not to be treated equally… Needless to say, we left after we were not treated EQUALLY!”
25. “Guys definitely beware, they have absolutely no interest in having you there and definitely will make you feel unwelcome at any and every point. On the other hand, If you’re a man hating lesbian that doesn’t mind overpriced drinks, this is the place for you.”
26. “Seriously, I can’t help it if I was born straight. Hater.”
Listling Without Commentary: 29 Excerpts From 1-Star Reviews Of Lesbian Bars
Lesbian bars: the first place you found community, the first place you found hostility. They play that song you love and then they play that song you hate. They have the best bartenders and the worst bartenders, the best doorwomen and the worst, the meanest patrons and the nicest. You love them, you hate them, you hate to love them and you love to hate them. And when you hate them, you really hate them. The following excerpts, ripped mercilessly out of context and displayed here for your entertainment and ensuing laughter, were pulled from one-star Yelp! reviews of lesbian bars all over the U.S. and Canada — many of which are shut down and many of which are still open. Bar names have been removed.
Now let’s talk about that bitch Michelle.
1. “Getting a drink at the bar is more difficult than turning straight.”
2. “I thought there would be a cool bunch of gay girls playing darts to befriend, but instead we got the old man with no teeth.”
3. “Maybe I don’t wear enough ill-fitting clothes with feather earrings. Maybe it’s because I use the bathroom to piss and not take bumps of coke… whatever the reason is, I’ll never feel welcomed in this tiny, unfriendly, pretentious dive.”
4. “In retrospect I would say that this bar caused me to go back in the closet and not want to be a lesbian.”
5. “I went to the bathroom and there was a bag of french fries hanging out in there like someone was just chilling, taking a pee and having a snack.”
6. “We arrived around 11:30 pm to meet a friend for a drink cause this is “where everyone goes.” Well, if this is everyone, I am upgrading my Netflix membership.”
7. “Where is the diversity? Where are the minorities? Where are the transgenders? Where is the unity? Where is the love?”
8. “I am pretty sure all the little Hollywood Goth clubs need to attend this bar and take notes on how to create a dreary atmosphere that Edgar Allan Poe himself would want to run away from, screaming.”
9. “Each time I go I witness a sea of unfriendly faces, scary artwork, long waits for drinks and dance music that sounds straight outta the USSR circa 1991.”
10. “This place is like the last person left at the bar that you take home because you don’t want to sleep alone.”
11. “If you like the taste of farts in your glass, then this is the place for you!”
12. “Michele why are you playing the CRAP music until well after midnight???? God someone fire that bitch already!!!!!!”
13. “You don’t go to a club to hear THE MACARENA or Will Smith’s “Gettin’ Jiggy With It” straight off the CD.”
14. “If you’re a supermodel type stay clear of here! The bartenders here wish they had my body!”
15. “It’s like every lesbian here watched LOGO and Tila Tequila and took notes on how to be a lesbian.”
16. “This is the kind of dyke bar where everyone knows your name if you look like everyone else AND come in all the time.”
17. “I am giving this place one star for two reasons:
1) The drinks are uber cheap
2) Yelp makes you give at least one star rating”
18. “The people running this place are the reason gay people cannot have nice things.”
19. “I get the whole love affair between lesbian bars and hip-hop, but there was no ‘hip’ to this ‘hop.'”
20. “Should I bring my roller skates next time? Because I could’ve swore it morphed into a roller rink.”
21. “No women’s basketball game on!? What!? I did go to a LESBIAN bar, right? It boggles the mind.”
22. “I said [to the bartender], “just make whatever you can make really well.” She said, “Um, Jameson on the rocks?”
23. “While I appreciate that this is one of the only Lesbian bars that is in Manhattan for whatever reason. I HATE THAT THIS PLACE DOES NOT TAKE DEBIT OR CREDIT CARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
24. “In retrospect, I wish they’d have Dante’s famous creed above the door – Abandon all hope, ye who enter here – because little did we know, we just passed through the gates of lesbian hell.”
25. “Over 2.5 hours of waiting, and no chance to sing. Do not come here if you actually want a chance to sing. Signed up about 3 hours before closing and still got no chance to sing! Do not come here unless you have at least 4 hours of waiting to sing to spare.”
26. “A girl named Nicole stole my purse and her family members had something to do with it.”
27. “If you’ve ever read Radclyffe Hall’s “The Well of Loneliness,” you know all about lesbians and depression. Well, if not, feel free to recreate that experience by attending [this bar].”
28. “The patrons there were lucky I didn’t use my ninja skills on their @$$!!!”
29. “We ended up going to TGI Friday’s.”
17 Comments On Lesbian Recruitment Tactics From This Wacky Conservative Hit Piece About Raging Lesbian Feminist Carmen Rios
“How many times do I have to repeat it? Feminism is a journey to lesbianism. Women’s Studies is a vehicle for that journey, as Carmen Rios is honest enough to admit.”
– Robert Stacey McCain
The undoubtedly delightful Robert Stacey McCain, esteemed conservative blogger for The Other McCain, had a really busy weekend reading the collected works and social media output of Autostraddle’s very own Carmen Rios. After immersing himself in Carmen’s work for Autostraddle and The Feminist Majority Foundation, The Other McCain concluded that Carmen Rios is a ruthless lesbian recruiter who aims to seduce young women into the lesbian lifestyle by teaching them about feminism, encouraging them to major in Women’s Studies, and pushing for accurate sex education in schools. Obviously McCain had no choice but to write an entire article about Carmen and her Lesbian Feminist Agenda (which we’ve saved as a PDF for you because we’d prefer you not give them any traffic). Obviously the readers of his blog had no choice but to respond in kind and obviously we had no choice but to cull the highlights from these comments and share them here with you right now, today.
Keen Observations About Feminism as a Lesbian Recruitment Tactic Culled From The Comments on “Hi, We’re Lesbian Feminists and We’re Here To Talk To Your Daughter About Sex” by Robert Stacy McCain
1. Fortunately most “college lesbians” snap out of it. But now they are trying to target them in grammar and high school.
2. If they truly felt all lesbians were “born that way”, they wouldn’t feel the need to do outreach like this.
3. Homosexuality needs to be indoctrinated to survive. And homosexuals need to recruit at a younger and younger age as lesbians leave the life quite often, per the current wife of the Mayor of New York.
4. Homosexuals have become a protected group who are given free reign to bully and harass with impunity.
5. Funny how lefties love to bash Catholic Priests, but when their own “priesthood” engages in things that should not be part of public education it is mostly crickets or claims those protesting are the bigots.
6. You know who needs to have a conversation about sex with a 10 to 14 year old? Their parents. Not some animalistic cult who prey on the young calling themselves “feminists.”
7. I think society would be better with no public schools. There are too many people trying to control what is taught.
8. Fascists at least love their country, crazy homosexual communists don’t.
9. Lesbian feminists are quite blatant about recruiting, they have been for 30 years, since I was in college. My lesbian separatist TA wasn’t secretive about it.
10. Nazism is the child of butch homosexuals.
11. [Carmen describes herself as] “…a raging lesbian feminist.” Is there any other kind of lesbian feminist?
12. I’ve worried a lot about Ebola lately and the disproportionate impact it may have on our vulnerable (immunocompromised) LGBTQIAP+ community..
13. When people who are passionate about their religion talk about how it saved their lives and how they want to spread it to other people, they are called all sorts of names, told they are Christofascist nutbags, made fun of for believing in a higher power, and in general read the riot act about how they are oppressing people by sharing their beliefs. A lesbian feminist finds salvation in feminism? We gotta spread this to impressionable youth everywhere!
14. If one has to talk to someone about something, then that thing is obviously not what comes naturally. It is clear that homosexuality is something that has to be taught and indoctrinated otherwise no one would practice it.
15. Is it a concept in Lesbianism that you don’t have to comb your hair anymore?
16. Conservatives reproduce in the womb.
Leftists reproduce in the classroom.
17. Hi, I’m a traditional valued Christian father. Step one foot towards my daughter and I’ll rip your deviant spine out and beat your girlfriend to death with it.
14 Locations Conducive To Lesbianism According To 1954’s “Female Homosexuality”
Last week at Treehorn Books in Santa Rosa, I came across yet another volume from my favorite genre, “faux sociological studies of human sexuality that say crazy-ass shit about lesbians.” Female Homosexuality: A Psychodynamic Study of Lesbianism was written by Dr. Frank S. Caprio, the esteemed co-author of Sexual Deviations, another undoubtedly delightful edition chock-full of facts and measures. Unlike the faux-doctors who authored most of the books in this genre under false pseudonyms, however, Frank Caprio appears to be a real doctor. His later work focused mainly on self-hypnosis.
Many risk factors that could drive a person towards queerdom are discussed in this groundbreaking work of non-fiction, but perhaps the information on locations conducive to homosexuality will be of the most use to you right now as you plan summer vacations and the rest of your life.
Thus, I have extracted sentences from this book and reprinted them for you here. You’re welcome.
14 Places That Will Make You A Lesbian According To 1954’s “Female Homosexuality”
1. Islands, In General
“The fact that both male and female homosexuals congregate on one island no doubt gives them a sense of what might be called herd-security, much like sheep gathering together under a tree during a storm.”
2. Fire Island, Specifically
“One lesbian who I interviewed confessed that she could not return to Fire Island even for a one-day visit because she feared it would bring back too many associations and frustrating memories.”
3. The Isle of Capri, Specifically
“A cafe owner in Capri observed that mannish lesbians are seen with women partners who are exceedingly beautiful and very feminine both in appearance and mannerism — that whenever a man makes an attempt to alienate the affections of the feminine one from the masculine partner, a violent scene occurs. The mannish lesbian guards her “little one” like a hen protects her baby chicks.”
4. Hollywood, In General
“Many persons with artistic temperaments live unconventionally and are indifferent to social taboos and moral restrictions.”
5. Lesbian Bars in Hollywood, Specifically
“The atmosphere: girls dressed in masculine attire, smoking, drinking, melancholy music and conversation consisting of slang expressions common to inverts… the girls addressed each other by their masculine nicknames — ‘Nickie,’ ‘Jimmy,’ “Pete,” etc.”
6. Prisons
“There are a great many women who are more homosexually inclined than most people would imagine, or even then they have ever imagined themselves.”
7. Brothels
“In one brothel, the lesbian inserted a stemless cherry, which she took out of a small jar, into the vagina of her partner, and then proceeded to extract it with movements of her tongue during the act of cunnilingus.”
8. Ladies’ Restrooms
“Many seductions take place in ladies’ restrooms, particularly if the lesbian is of the overt mannish type.”
9. The “Theater or Night Club World”
“Many in this field regard themselves as being different from ordinary people and entitled to a way of life according to their own code of ethics… Another factor conducive to this development is the existence of a strong, narcissistic element among people in the limelight.”
10. Japan, In General
“…the defeat in the last war brought about a complete destruction of many phases of the feudalistic system including many sexual taboos.”
11. All-Girl Drag Revues in Japan, Specifically
“It is almost unimaginable how crazy these teenage girls fans are about the girl performers who play the role of men on the stage. These girls have often been a social problem. They usually indulge in hair fetishism, garment fetishism, underwear fetishism or shoes fetishism. Sometimes fans may drag the idol girls from the approach to the stage to the floor and shower them with kisses. There have been cases where scores or hundreds of girls stormed the dressing rooms of the revue girls after the show and tried to touch the girls’ flesh.”
12. Greenwich Village
“One proprietor has an arrangement whereby he pays a group of girls to come into his place at a late hour for the purpose of attracting the attention of customers with their mannish attire, short haircuts and masculine mannerisms, conveying the impression that it is a hangout for lesbians…. these pseudo-lesbians acquire a certain amount of skill in the act of deceiving the visiting spectators. They dance with each other, pretending that they are lovers, some acting masculine and aggressive while others assume the role of feminine passive type…. the customers sit at the tables, order more drinks and seem to enjoy the atmosphere of subdued lights, heavy smoke and girls dancing together, little realizing that to many of these girls it is simple a way of earning some extra money… there are places where authentic lesbians meet. There is less frivolity, the atmosphere is a more serious one and the lesbians and their ‘dates’ when dancing together are preoccupied and engrossed with each other.”
13. All-Girls Schools
Quote from a “real lesbian” interviewed for this book:
“I did not have too difficult a time in finding converts. An all-girls’ school has plenty of girls who are emotionally frustrated and as eager for affectionate companionship as I was. I made out a smooth case for Lesbianism… about one girl in five was fascinated enough to become my friend.”
14. Strip Clubs
“Strip girls see each other naked every day. This, coupled with their exhibitionist tendency, often gives them a chance to indulge in homosexual practices. Homosexuality amongst these girls usually takes the form of mutual onanism, but some are using the artificial phallus.”
26 Special Ways You Described Yourself When Registering For A-Camp
Enabling this kind of cabin fun is no easy task
It’s that time again — the time of year when I gather a tiny handful of mystical elderberry juice, the innards of an antique clock, five bottles of discontinued nail polish, a quart of dirt from my “backyard,” a well-preserved two-ounce serving of Crystal Clear Pepsi and from this magical combination of ingredients, I produce your May A-Camp CABIN ASSIGNMENTS! (ETA: Within the next two weeks)
This year, as in last year, I gave you a chance to describe yourself when you registered so that I could try to put you in a cabin with other humans who are exactly as weird or as interested in anime or gin or libraries as you are. It’s an unrefined process, but I think over time I’ve established at least a 65% success rate, which is a lot more than I can say for my counselors at labor zionist youth camp. Stay tuned for my follow-up list, “25 Special Ways A-Campers Used The Personal Description Box To Explain What It Means To Be An “Outgoing Introvert.”
Here are some sentences from your descriptions of yourselves, ripped mercilessly out of context and placed here, in this list, for our communal entertainment and delight.
1. I have been known by a few hundred girls as “Kiwi The Spunky Kitchen Lady” at Girl Scout Camp.
2. I am one of six hipsters at Hope College
3. I have a goddess quad of Beyoncé, Misty Copeland, Laverne Cox and Michelle Rodriguez that I devote to thrice daily in the hopes that the patriarchy will finally crumble and fall at their wrath
4. Still not entirely sure how to do the hustle? Can we fix this?
5. Once I was driving down a road on the wrong side and saw a car coming towards me and wondered why it wouldn’t move over.
6. I’m 27 but I exhibit a lot of behavior similar to a grandmother: I go to bed early, enjoy watching my programs, and yell at people who stand on my lawn.
7. I like to grow things and live by the moon.
8. I had the most amazing Coming Out party. I made my friends wear unicorn horns.
9. Current goals include getting into law school and moving out of my dad’s house.
10. I am a quirky, crafty, rainbow obsessed queer girl who embodies the spirit and fashion style of a 9 year old boi
11. Give me a can of spray paint and a glue gun and you’ll prob— have a mess on your hands. But I’ll be happy.
12. My personality is downright magnetic.
13. I love The Beatles, collecting Beatles things and the fact they sang love 613 times in their songs. I believe in love so much.
14. I fit every single lesbian stereotype possible except having an actual girlfriend.
15. I am also committed to Sparkle Motion, if that helps.
16. I’ve been known to get tipsy on red wine and write poems about my personal life.
17. I’m getting my phD in materials science engineering, and someday I’m going to rule the universe in rainbow spandex.
18. Alcohol is awesome!
19. I am unusually messy for someone who feels compelled to arrange the presets for her car radio in ascending order by megahertz.
20. I just bought a house and my butch cred is being upped by working on said house
21. Sometimes I feel like the only lesbian in Kentucky!!
22. I’ve got a cute face
Chubby waist
Thick legs in shape
Rump shaking both ways
Make you do a double take23. CAT SHIRT CAT SHIRT CAT SHIRT RAPTOR SHIRT
24. I am a queer artist hard femme catastrophe waitress.
25. Can’t decide if I’m a misanthrope or just a misandrist. I’m probably a misandrist.
26. I wish I were a baller, but I’m glad I’m me.
26 Really Special Ways You Described Your Relationship Status In The Autostraddle Reader Survey
In the 2014 Autostraddle Reader Survey, we asked you to share your relationship status with the group. A whopping 49% of you are single, 26% are in a serious relationship(s), 17% are living with your partner(s), 12% are dating and 6% are married. Readers were invited to ‘select all that apply’ but many readers found their particular situation was not adequately covered by the multiple choice options, and instead chose to write in a more descriptive answer. These are just some of those very very VERY special responses.
1. Relationship Anarchist
2. the most single person in the entire world
3. MOTHERFUCKING ENGAGED! :)
4. i’m dating six-ish people right now? casually? am i going to die?
5. alone and with too much social anxiety to change that!
6. using one-night stands to distract myself from my crush on my flatmate counts, right?
7. too legit to quit
8. in a serious relationship with Netflix
9. we are kinda dating but it’s not official, it’s really complicated up in here
10. spinster
11. it’s a shit show
12. SINGLE FOR LYFE
13. I have no idea, women are confusing!
14. plotting to kindly leave my husband and become a lesbian separatist
15. I am so alone please send cats
16. My dog and I are the slippery slope
17. Love-hate relationship with my dissertation
18. Single and ready to mingle with pringles
19. I am terrible at dating and considering breaking up with a nice girl because she cares too much, THANKS FOR BRINGING IT UP AUTOSTRADDLE
20. Crazy cat lady
21. Sleeping with girls who will never be my girlfriend
22. I am in a relationship with a man and I want to leave but it’s very complicated and my mom will definitely cry
23. Is it serious if we’re each other’s firsts and it took two months to realize we were dating? What is that?
24. Imaginary relationship with my tumblr followers
25. 21 years March 18th.
26. FINALLY LEGALLY MARRIED, BITCHES!!!
22 Things Lesbians Said About The Internet In 1994
feature image via Corbis (AP PHOTO/Visar Kryeziu)
The most popular form of internet access when this book was published
I picked up this 1996 book Assaults on Convention: Essays on Lesbian Transgressors from the library last week. It’s an essay collection that “explores lesbian misbehavior of many kinds,” with essays about lesbians who “break unspoken rules of the lesbian community” by doing things like being obsessive k.d. lang fans, boxing, being or patronizing sex workers or um, being serial killers (the rule against murder has been spoken for, however, I believe). It’s a pretty interesting book written at a really transitional time with respect to lesbian culture and internet culture.
One chapter, called “cyberdykes: tales from the internet,” by Lisa Haskell, attempts to discover the fears and hopes and dreams of lesbians who use that crazy thing called The Internet. She did her ‘research’ in 1994, the year I turned 13 and two years before America Online changed its price from $2.95 an hour to $19.95 a month, which was a very transformational situation. Sometimes I think the craziest thing about that time was that nobody had a photo of themselves on their computer — it was difficult-to-impossible to get one, which meant you’d probably never know what the people you chatted with looked like. Plus, there was no such thing as ‘googling’ someone or looking them up on a social networking site, so the internet felt really strongly separate from real life. Unsurprisingly, from the get-go, LGBT people took to the internet like moths to a flame.
Which brings us back to this article and this listling. After explaining what The Internet is, Haskell publishes a series of e-mails she received in response to the following usenet posting she made:
I’m looking to connect dykes who love the net: girls who use their computers for work, rest and play. Tell me what you love and what you hate about the net, let me into your most intimate moments with your computer.
Do you think the net is changing the ideas of what it is to be a dyke? Are we blazing trails for the future, or are we just a sad bunch of lesbo-geeks?
Now, I present to you 22 excerpts from those e-mail responses, written to Haskell by passionate internet-using lesbians and ripped mercilessly out of context for the purposes of this listling. Are you ready, CYBERDYKES?
22 Things Lesbians Had To Say About the Internet in 1994
1. “It’s my computer that puts me in contact with her and I love it for that. But I hate it too because it withholds her from me.”
2. “Somehow, people on the net are less intimidating because I view them as a part of Zorro [the computer].”
3. “I’m looking forward to computer-controlled silicon implanted sex toys.”
4. “Generally, you can tell a man on the net, not least because they will usually tell you pretty quickly. The allure of being a woman doesn’t last long.”
5. “…I think of my computer as being half-way between human and machine… I think of it the same way some people think of their pets.”
6. “I spend as much time as possible on the net: up to three hours.”
7. “The net is, in my opinion, a good place to be an activist to a tolerable degree.”
8. “What I like best about the net is that I don’t feel so isolated here. I hate the net when it is down or being fixed.”
9. “I think that meeting people on the net is about 100% cooler than any type of personals and computer dating.”
10. “The internet is said to be a transnational anarchy… [if it is], it is an anarchy of the privileged: everybody I meet here is from a university or a software developer.”
11. “There’s often an intense excitement involved. Your screen becomes electric in a very real way. Her name becomes magic, your days are spent in fingering her, talking with her, writing/reading email to/from her. And the intensity builds until the words on your screen become flesh and sound when she reaches over the distance to touch you.”
12. “We don’t transcend physical distance, it just changes the nature of that distance.”
13. “Are we blazing a trail? Or just shy and socially inept?”
14. “Sometimes there’s too much ‘showing off’, messages with words I’m not used to, subjects I cannot follow.”
15. “We think in words, so this is like a direct connection line to their thoughts. Pure imagination, a pure connection.”
16. “Here, I get a ‘choice’ of so many interesting women. I could never meet so many lovely dykes physically.”
17. “Political networks exist, and will be on the increase. However, it will still happen on many levels — from local, smaller networks to bigger ones binding them. I just hope there won’t be a hierarchy to these connections, ever.”
18. “It’s not that we’ll always be playing in this primitive environment; in [some] years’ time we [will be able to] easily see and hear each other and we’ll laugh at ourselves for taking these clunky lines of text so seriously.”
19. “Is breaking up [with an internet girlfriend] just as in real life? No, there are differences. When the contact comes to an end, the emptiness is much more hollow… it’s difficult to convince others that something *really* happened to you.”
20. “Yes, we are pioneers. We’re using technology to mutate ourselves according to our own design. In a fully diverse world, gender will become meaningless, the idea of the lesbian confined to history.”
21. “I am more intensely dyke because I am touched by the Sappho conversation every work day. Also, I know more about dyke cultures by being net-connected. It expands my world. We are definitely trail-blazing and cutting edge.”
22. “…I think the net is something special for dykes: it’s like life, but you can afford to play.”
Listling Without Commentary: How You Met Your Significant Other(s)
On this year’s Autostraddle Reader Survey, we asked those of you with one or more significant other to tell us where you met your very special someone(s). 26% of you met at school, 23% online, 20% through friends, 9% through work, 5% at a bar or party and 5% at an LGBT Event.
But 10% of you indicated “other” and provided us with your answer as a write-in. What we learned from this exercise is that next year Roller Derby, Autostraddle Meet-Up and Rugby should be listed as actual options.
Now, here are just some of the cutest, queerest, most unique and Most Weirdo ways y’all met up with your very special someone(s).
1. At the lesbian bookstore she worked at. I carried around a copy of “Out” magazine like a pride flag so she’d know I was a homo.
2. We play Quidditch together
3. In the board of an umbrella organization for Stockholm’s University Orchestras
4. On a bus, because of fancy socks
5. At auditions for The Vagina Monologues
6. At a meeting of Xena: Warrior Princess in Brazil
7. Mother and baby group!
8. Homeschool camp when we were teenagers
9. Walking around Whole Foods
10. I was an impressionable young intern, and she seduced me with her feminine wiles.
11. At the French Communist Youth Movement
12. Rehab!
13. Member-run anarchist women’s and trans theater collective
14. I wanted to click “LGBT event.” But it was really an Andrea Gibson show, which I guess is pretty much the same thing.
15. Met one partner at a BDSM Club, met other at Autostraddle Brunch
16. I emailed her because her face was on the Campus Gay People poster and I was hoping to make friends
17. Weird goucher fate
18. World of Warcraft
19. Shakespearean acting workshop
20. Online, but knew each other as kids. Adorable!
21. At a queer feminist festival in Sweden
22. In the woods
23. At a queer zine poetry event. I know, I know!
24. We met at a Halls thing on the first night of uni and were best friends for six years before we got together. I couldn’t have imagined then that we would have this now.
25. Guys: through connecting here and agreeing to go to lesbian book club together! THANKS!
Listling Without Commentary: Conversations I Had While Watching the L Word for the First Time
It’s been ten years since The L Word premiered, and we’ve got lots to talk about. Welcome to The L Word week!
It was 2013 when I finally sat down in my bed and decided it was time to watch The L Word. The first time I did such a thing was with Katrina Casino in 2011, when I was coming out, and the show was legitimately “too real” for me. (Read: too much Jenny.) I tried again in 2013 because I wanted to know what all the fuss was about.
I ended up watching the entire series on Netflix in two weeks, in between work shifts and even sometimes on my iPhone. I even got skipping the awful tragic death to music that is The L Word’s theme song down to a science. The entire time, I was narrating – mostly to Stef and Geneva – about my bewilderment, my fascination, and the feeling of wishing I could hit my head into a brick wall until I lost consciousness.
20.
on Facebook chat
Stef: when carmen asks shane if she ever had a hamster growing up
Stef: and shane’s eyes just like darken
Stef: HAMSTER PAST
#hamsterpast
19.
on Facebook chat
Stef: just drinking with gloria steinem and betty at my friend’s dad’s funeral, nbd, just a day in the life
Stef: (on the l word not my actual life)
“I’m being paid handsomely to be here.”
18.
on Facebook chat
Carmen: i just like
Carmen: i lost my life
Carmen: i’ve lost my life
Carmen: i eat breathe sleep the l word
Carmen: i need it to be over
Stef: this is like when i read twilight
Stef: you’re TOO FAR GONE
17.
on Facebook chat
Stef: you know who i wish was on the l word
Stef: alice motes
via Geneva Armstrong, ofc.
16.
on Facebook chat
Stef: jenny you’re doing like a hanukkah candle blessing at a carnival chill out
15.
on Facebook chat
Carmen: this show makes me want to die and live simultaneously
14.
on Facebook chat
Stef: a moment please for the hilarious violin music playing when helena bangs pregnant tina in a pool
13.
on Facebook chat
Carmen: jenny doesn’t donate money at the dance a thon? bitch made 500k the other episode
Stef: don’t worry SHE’S ABOUT TO DIE
12.
on Facebook chat
Stef: Goodbye mark, I’m sorry you weren’t a 3 dimensional person
11.
on Facebook chat
Stef: crystal’s camp band is called the dead meat schecters
Stef: mine is called ‘those sweet little figs’
Carmen: YESSSSSSSSSSSS
Carmen: OMG no sweet meats?
Stef: SWEETBREADZ
Carmen: “Carmen rios and the eviscerated I am band”
10.
9.
on GChat
Carmen: how come bette and candace having sex in jail is so fucking weird like what the fuck is happening
Carmen: WHY IS EVERYTHING SO WEIRD?
Geneva: everything’s awkward and horrible
Geneva: there is nothing remotely sexy about bette / carpenter sex
Carmen: no like why did they theatricalize themselves in a prison cell
Carmen: it was quite possibly the least realistic thing ever
Carmen: jenny is sort of the worst
Carmen: but bette standing with her body pressed against a prison cell wall while describing her sexual desire for the carpenter as “painful” was worse
Geneva: I was hoping we could role play that actually
8.
on Facebook chat
Carmen: geneva and i are about to get into a fight about The L Word excuse me i need to smoke weed
7.
on Facebook chat
Carmen: if dana had to die a slow and painful natural death after being a perfect human
Carmen: jenny deserved to have bette like, tie her to the back of her suv and drive down a mountain or something
6.
on Facebook chat
Carmen: thanks for being my friend and not hiding letters in the attic from me
Carmen: you’re the best stef
Stef: i hid letters from geneva in your attic
5.
on Facebook chat
Stef: are you up to adele already?!
Stef: jeez
Stef: carmen do you have a job?! what do you DO
Stef: do you sleep
Carmen: my hours got cut
4.
3.
on Facebook chat
Carmen: i hate you ilene chaiken
Carmen: i hate you so much that it brings tears to my eyes
Carmen: ILENE —
Carmen: 4 U
Carmen: EVISCERATED I AM
Carmen: I WISH I COULD GAUGE MY EYES OUT WITH A SPOON
Carmen: AND STOP WATCHING
Carmen: YOUR SHOWWWWWWW
Carmen: next stop, the real l word
2.
on Skype Video Chat
Carmen: Today was hard. Dana died.
Geneva: BABY, YOU COULD HAVE CALLED.
1.
on Facebook chat
Carmen: this show ruined my life
