Lip Service Episode 103 Recap: Everybody Must Get F*cked (Up)

In the last episode, we had the pleasure of experiencing Frankie strapping on and getting robbed, Lou going down on Tess (in more than one way, that was exciting), and Sam finally seducing Cat. Basically everyone had sex, which made it SO much more rewarding than, say, Season 3 of the L Word, when nobody had sex and somebody died.

It’s promising! Let’s proceed, dear readers.

One scene in and we’re already getting into the heavy moaning — Tess & Lou make a ruckus, Cat and Sam giggle and Cat freaks out about one of those Important Big Work Presentations.

Oh is THAT what women with actual sexual chemistry together sound like

You know, the kind people always have in teevee shows which address the Pressing Dilemnas of Women who must Balance Emotions and still Perform on the Job. It’s a guaranteed hijinkfest and GUESS WHO’S LATE FOR THE BIG WORK PRESENTATION? It’s Jay! He’s the straight guy on the show who you wish wasn’t on the show, and he can sense that you don’t like him and so he sort of took his time.+

No actually it’s ’cause Jay & Becky are having relationship issues ’cause you know, his friend Frankie brought home a girl for a one-night stand who then stole Becky’s necklace. Also, Frankie has been peer-pressuring Jay into going out all the time, therefore making him slack at work.

When I look at you like this, you do what i want. Kapeesh?

The Presentation goes well though, and the Architecture Agency ends up with a new client (important later). Oh and guess who just got a job at Cat’s Architecture Agency?

Yes, Frankie’s lust for Cat is so great that she does what any obnoxious lesbian stalker would do and decides to a) take a job as a photographer at Cat’s architecture business, and b) convince Tess to move out of Cat’s and in with her, just for the extra attention. Look at me!

AND WHATEVER GIRLS I DISCARD, YOU CAN HAVE THEM FOR YOURSELF?

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This obviously does not please Cat very much, especially when she has to go on a photoshoot with Frankie. However, continuing in the vein of last week’s giving of The Attitude, Cat is taking no shit and lays down the smack when Frankie tries to get all flirty. (Look at me!) Attagirl. When she finds out about Tess moving in with her, however, her cool is somewhat blown. At least it is to the extent that she can’t concentrate on sexytime with Sam, which is a shame, because their only sex scene so far has been rather tame and we’d like to see some real action, although I’m not sure real action is Cat’s kind of thing.

Straddling Way Outside Of What Your Pride Will AllowCat+

Cat then talks about Frankie while making out with Sam. like A LOT. Like beyond anything that is reasonably acceptable in any universe besides the one on television.

Anyhow moving on to Tess & Lou…

After Shopping for Wristbands at Claire’s, the Happy Couple Headed Over to The Peach Pit for Soda

Tess & Lou are trailblazing their cute asses all the way to a GAY BAR and although Lou’s freaking out about all the womyn, she takes a big step by planting an over-the-table kiss on Tess, which is not only physically awkward but metaphorically significant.

Lou promises they’ll hang out later and then Tess engages in excited I’m-gonna-get-laid-tonight preparation whilst wearing lingerie and adjusting her boobs.

They’ll be like ‘HELLO!’

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Obviously she’s getting ready to get stood up. Again. This time Lou doesn’t even call. The next day, Tess and Ed are temping together at an unidentified company which seems to facilitate phone calls, display charts and, unfortunately, employ an ex-classmate of Tess’s who Tess made fun of in high school. Nothing like being underemployed and under-loved. Even in this nightmare scenario, Lou STILL doesn’t call.

Anyhow, Frankie’s having “thoughts” about her Family and Past. These thoughts do not involve Naked Girls or Smoldering Looks, shouldn’t they save the “family backstory storyline” for Season Three, you know, the season with the no-sex and death and stuff. Anyhow.

Frankie peer pressures Jay to accompany her on a voyage to the estate she visited last episode. They get inside by swinging the “let’s get high together” trick on the unsuspecting squatter currently inhabiting the place. Frankie has some memories about the apartment they’re in mostly based on the texture of the wallpaper.  But also… she’s high.

THE YELLOW WALLPAPER

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Back at The Office, Cat decides that Frankie hanging around is just too much to bear, so she decides to have a calm chat with her boss about it which eventually leads to coming out, as all women without Alternative Lifestyle Haircuts must do one day in their lives.

His reaction is hard to read but not really hard to read because we can tell this is going to be an issue, and the air is thick with imminent Homophobic Discrimination in the Workplace. And whaddya now, she’s getting pulled off the Important Architectural Project that she just won in that meeting, and Jay is getting it even for Jay was late for the meeting, remember? Ruh-roh.

Meanwhile, Frankie is sitting on the edge of her bed, contemplating the cruel, enigmatic world beyond her Shane Haircut bangs. (Recurrent theme!) She decides that what is needed is a thorough clean up of her room, and in the process discovers Sadie the real estate agent/thief/Robin Hood’s business card!

Cunningly, she books an appointment to see an apartment, so that 1) Sadie turns up unawares…

I’m a Good Kisser and You’re a Fast Learner and that kinda thing could float us for a pretty long time…

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… and 2) they can then have sex on the kitchen floor of said apartment in various interesting camera angles. Lucky for her, her ingenious plans leads to both results! Oh, and she also gets her stolen stuff back, I guess.

Like in Spiderman

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Like in Batman

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Again at The Office, Jay and Frankie have their eye on the Pretty Young Intern and Jay is sick of being in the doghouse so he invites Pretty Young Intern into the bathroom to enjoy a little makeout session and a line or two of coke.

I’m Gonna Make This One-Episode Guest Gig Count if It Kills Me With One Line of Coke

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After which she promptly almost dies, which is confusing because it was just one line of coke OH WAIT it’s not actually coke, it’s [either a Scottish drug that I don’t and can’t know about (unlikely) or a completely mainstream drug that I don’t know about because I am a square and/or underinformed (highly likely). Chem? Kem? Cam? I dunno.].

Anyhow, he’s due back at work and his makeout buddy is floor-bound, so he calls in Frankie, who takes her Shane Bangs and Shane Eyeliner and Shane Drug-Abuse Awareness into the stall, scoops up the girl, and takes her home. You know how actresses are. I don’t know why, but somehow I just KNEW this wasn’t going to end well.

yeah that’s right i got a girl passed out on my shoulder, yeah my ring is gigantic, who the hell are you

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At Rubies/The Planet, Cat still won’t stop talking about work and stuff, although admittedly, her boss seems to be a bigot and her ex is in all up in her grill. Ultimately though, Sam is annoyed because she’s a cop and that is imaginably more stressful than being an architect.

Cat has to follow her all the way to the police station to apologise, and the situation devolves into some cop/interrogation role play lite involving cunnilingus on the desk. Because for Chrissake if all these women are going to do is argue, they might as well get some good fucking out of it.

I Plead the Fifth Finger

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Tess finally receives a text from Lou, which is not very informative but prompts her to throw on some lingerie and get Ed to drive her to Lou’s so she can surprise her/score WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY NOT GOING TO END WELL. Because why would the cameras follow Tess all the way here just to watch them make out.

Yeah… who should she see wandering canoodlingly towards Lou’s apartment? Lou and Tom, her famous co-presenter and married ex who Tess and she originally bonded over disliking. Oh, I did NOT SEE THAT COMING. Sidenote, he’s gross!

Lou: Tess, what are you doing here?
Tess: I came to see if you were okay.
Tom: I didn’t think we’d be seeing you again in a hurry.
Tess: Why? Because I’m just one big f–king joke to you? [Looks towards Lou] Is that it?

Obviously Tess is v upset, and Ed – bless his soul! – decides that the only way to resolve the situation, really, is to punch Tom in the nose. No, but seriously, people, violence is never the answer. Don’t punch the married boyfriend of your gay friend’s would-be-girlfriend, please.

AND THEN WE HAVE A  MOMENT. You know this moment, it happened with Nikki & Jenny in Season Five, when the ingenue returns to her true love and cries about how hard it is to be with her b/c of her career and that terrible terrible man she has to sleep with to keep it going and OH IF LIFE WAS ONLY UNICORNS AND ORAL SEX FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER

Love Means Saying You’re Sorry Right Now Plz

Next, Frankie picks up Sadie for a drink, and as they are walking side by side in their matching lesbian leather jackets, Frankie spies Cat and Sam walking along looking all couple-y and happy and snogging each other’s faces off and has to take a moment to drown Sadie out so that we all understand that Frankie’s feelings for Cat are Real. Maybe it was a Shane-and-Carmen- and/or Molly-esque situation that led Frankie to leave Cat? She was certain she was going to cheat and convinced that Cat was too good for her? I’m sure we’ll find out more soon, but for now, know that what’s going on is megadeep. FRANKIE STILL LOVES CAT, write that down. WHY ARE THEY OR WERE THEY EVER TOGETHR? We have no idea. Write down a question mark.

I Feel The Knife Going In

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Tess gets some sympathy at Rubies, and there are drinks and the assertive but gentle suggestion the she sell Lou out to the tabloids (Sadie’s idea). Maybe that’s the better way to deal with this kind of thing. Jay and Becky are also reconciled now, which Frankie is a bit skeptical about (maybe she also has deep feelings for him, idk).

Tess wakes up to find news of Lou and Tom’s affair plastered all over the taboids, which we can probs blame on Sadie. Does it serve Lou right? Discuss.

Frankie goes to the Official Bureau of Unsolved Family Mysteries to discover that when her parents died in that car crash many years ago, a three-year-old named Francesca Alan also died. OMG THAT’S FRANKIE’S NAME. I know, right? This must be what her aunt meant to tell her before she died and everything! Frankie is at least as upset as you about this, she’s having a wee moment of hyperventilation on the street. Because if she died when she was three years old, did she really fuck all those girls, or was that all ghostsex? Ghostsex is a thing. It happens. We have a ghost pumpkin.

SO THAT’S WHY I’M SO IMMATURE!

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AND THAT’S A WRAP!

How are you feeling about this? We would like to hear your opinions, hope and dreams regarding Lip Service, especially now that we’re getting properly in to the roll of things!

‘Lip Service’ Recap Episode 102: Lesbians Talking, Dating, Crying, Having Sex, Etc.

When we last left our love-lorn Wegie she-roes, Tess was seducing sunny, sexy news anchor Lou Foster, Cat totally blew her date with Sam the Cop and Shane/Frankie was coping with the death of her beloved aunt by doing what most people do when they grieve, which is obviously having furious, symphony-conductor-hand-motion-y sex with the receptionist of the funeral home IN FRONT OF A CORPSE.

So now that you’re totally intrigued (or grossed out, or both, which is sort of what happens every time we turn on TLC), let’s check back in for Episode Two of Lip Service. And, because this episode was mostly about dating and sex and awkward moments with your ex at a relative’s funeral, along the way, we will provide you with some Lip Service Dating Dos and Don’ts.

As the guitar and harmonica and mandolin main title flurry fades, we are greeted, in the first few seconds of the show, with the blissful sounds of moaning. No dialogue, very little traffic, no incidental music, just pure, slightly-between-porn-star-and-chat-up-line-operator-on-the-believability-scale moaning.

GOOD DAY SUNSHINE DAH DAH DAH DAH GOOD DAY SUNSHINE

+Anchor-Lady Lou Foster is getting a nice little wake-up call from Tess, but work obligations cut the reverie short. Upon realizing that Tess is funemployed, Lou half-heartedly offers to help get her a gig as a runner for the show. Because in this economy, sometimes you need to make totally irrational choices bound to end in total disaster or humiliation.

DON’T: Mix business with pleasure. This is, like, Rule #1. It’s the premise for at least a third of existing romantic comedies and most lesbian-owned businesses. Needless to say, Tess, we are concerned.

Meanwhile, in Sulksville, Frankie and Cat are preparing for the funeral and trying on outfits and generally having lots of feelings. When they meet, results are typical: Frankie is creepy and snaps a photo of Cat looking pensive and broody, Cat is dressed in meticulous, “professional” black and looking oh-so-stern.

YOU LOOK VERY SHANE TODAY

Also, Frankie has forsaken the blouse-and-jacket ensemble and decides to go to the funeral dressed like Mark Zuckerberg at a business meeting. To a funeral. In a hoodie and jeans. To a funeral.

The funeral itself goes about as well as Frankie’s outfit sampling, filled with awkward glances around the coffin, notably between Frankie and a sort of dismal looking fellow across the way.

I SEE UNFORTUNATELY NOT-DEAD PEOPLE

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THAT’S WHAT WE CALL AN “ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE HAIRCUT,” LASSIE

The reception goes even worse. Frankie drinks out of the bottle (red flag #1) and tries to get a rise out of her asshole Uncle Cameron by seducing Cat, her ex-girlfriend (red flag #2), in front of the family (red flag #3).

DON’T: Use your ex as bait for making a scene at an important family function. Like a funeral.

DEATH DOESN’T BECOME HER

There’s a really horrible confrontation between Frankie and Cameron in which some awful things are said and Frankie is referred to as “damaged goods.” The vague references to Frankie’s “troubled past” are killing us, Heather Braun. Obviously, we have to find out more, lest we fill in her entire family history with branches from the McCutcheon family tree.

After the reception, a mugger side-swipes Cat’s mobile and Cat fights back and somehow, beyond the rocky heights of logic and reason, Cat ends up in the police station, cuffed for assaulting her mugger. Luckily Sam, her bad date, is the cop in charge and she gets Cat off (HAHAHAH!!!) and they schedule a second date to further probe the depths of each other’s steely boringness.

At Lou Foster Productions, Tess’ day isn’t exactly funeral-bad, but it’s still bad (as the awful lavender runner shirts may imply). Back in the dressing room, there are a lot of feelings and reiteration that the relationship has to be hush-hush (Tess is introduced, with great conviction, as “an old school chum”) and that you know, Lou will have to take the midge to the premiere.

I WONDER WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE UNDER YOUR T-SHIRT I WONDER WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE WHEN YOU’RE NOT WEARING WORDS

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Lou pretends to be cozy with her male co-host, making Tess jealous and causing her to (as lovestruck folks often do) forget her surroundings and collide with a cake prop, angering ferocious producer Mark. HIJINKS!

Nevertheless, Tess invites Lou to dinner to meet her friends/roommates but later, while preparing with the kind of excitement you just know is destined to end terribly, Tess accidentally sticks Cat’s fought-for mobile into the washer. This will be important later.

Clearly, Lou calls to cancel at the last minute, saying she’s just so exhausted from pretending to like boys and panty hose and hairspray all day, which is annoying and unsurprising to everyone but Tess.

For those still intrigued by non-dating/sex-related plotlines, Frankie is still carrying around a photograph of her aunt that looks suspiciously similar to the generic photographs sold with picture frames at Wal-Mart and is now hunting down the name/address of the person who now possesses all her childhood photographs, which her aunt delivered to someone as part of her will. It’s all very DaVinci Code-ish.

She asks an electrician, who she bribes with a sexual favour (and then re-negs on it) (uh-huh, Frankie passes) to steal the will information and breaks into the given address, only to find the place totally abandoned, except for a young male squatter. We don’t get much further into this or into any hot lady’s vaginal canals, unfortunately.

dinosaur vs. lizard

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At the studio, Tess gets her shot at redemption which you knew was gonna be a disaster if you read “Tess makes a fool of herself on national television” in the episode description and have been dreading this moment ever since, but are slightly relieved that it did not involve an on-air marriage proposal of some kind.

Tess’ mission is to pick up today’s Special Guest Star, child psychologist Marie Chambers. Like many people who have to deal with young children professionally, Marie has a bit of a drinking problem, and passes out in the green-room chair two minutes before call. Tess takes the other runner’s advice and decides to go on as Marie. There is a glimmer of hope that poor Tess might actually save the day. She doesn’t.

DON’T: Impersonate a professional to save your secret girlfriend’s TV show.

Tess, unfamiliar with child-rearing, bombs. She’s fired. More feelings in the dressing room, which eventually lead to clandestine happy making-out times.

Tess: It’s one thing you telling everyone that I’m a school chum, it’s a whole other thing you bullshitting me. And by the way, I don’t give a shit what the tabloids say, it’s you that’s the coward, it’s you, you’re a complete coward.
Lou: [sobbing] No, you’re right, I’m the coward. I was gonna come last night, I got ready, and then I felt terrible and that’s when I went for a drink. But if you’re fed up with me, I understand.
Tess: I never said that.

It’s still unclear what they see in each other besides breasts, and while we’re on that line of discussion, let’s go follow Frankie to Cat’s (because she wasn’t picking up her phone, which Tess washed) to try to talk to her about this mystery contact. Moar old feelings are re-hashed.

Here, we start to notice a shift in Cat: she’s starting to move away from the past and toward the future (Sam), whereas Frankie is burying herself even more in her past. Deep, right?

But also are we so used to hearing Shane get yelled at for being an asshole while she goes “I know, I know,” that we don’t even stop to think that it’s kinda a dick move to be an asshole to someone whose aunt just died and is being estranged from her family and unable to procure her deeply meaningful childhood keepsake? Salt/open wound?

Anyhow, Tess and Lou, having kissed and made up back at the studio, return to Lou’s for more sexytime and a choppily-edited sequence where Tess’ contorted o-face expressions are interspersed with speeding traffic. It’s reminiscent of a student film, or perhaps a tribute video culled from the annals of YouTube. Speaking of annals, a rim job happens. Yup.

kiss my ass for reals

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For someone who just started having sex with other women, Lou Foster is clearly a fast learner. Maybe she had field training?

Frankie uses her creeping superpowers to follow the mysterious bookstore lady into a café. Her name is Sadie. If the White Album taught me anything, it’s that Sexy Sadie will end up making a fool of everyone. Foreshadowing!

I also considered this was an estranged relative of Frankie’s in disguise

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DO: Take Mr. Chi City’s advice and keep your fridge stocked with many varieties of drinks.

At this point, the show starts doing quick cuts between Frankie and Cat. The Cop goes back to Cat’s place, and they start talking over drinks (Five-O is a beer gal. Of course she is). Everything kind of feels like a booze-and-awkward-romance-fueled Hold Steady song (except no one in a Hold Steady song would date an officer of the law, but I digress). Sam makes the first move right after she calls herself brave (get it?), and the two start making out.

Resisting the Urge to Use So Many Police-Related Puns Right Now

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And then, back in Frankie-world, we have this:

DO: Keep Calm and Strap On.

So Frankie is “happy,” and the viewership is very happy, and pretty much everyone is in favor of this except for Becky and Jay, who have to hear the intimate play-by-play.

Jay’s reaction is priceless.

While Frankie and Sexy Sadie are waking the neighbours, our frazzled architect, Cat, finally gets some, in a rather tender, tasteful, intimately-lit sequence with Sam. NOTICE THE CONTRAST. IT’S CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT THROUGH MISE-EN-SCENE, OR SOMETHING.

So we end, for the most part, on a positive note. Except the part where crazy Sadie steals the necklace Jay got for Becky and cleared the cash out of Frankie’s wallet (surprise, surprise) BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BRING HOME SOMEONE WHO COMPULSIVELY STEALS THINGS.

DO: If you decide to bring home a kleptomaniac, LOCK UP ALL THE THINGS.

Or

DON’T: Don’t bring home a kleptomaniac, even if your heart is un-steal-able.

Back at the ranch, Cop and Cat are snuggling and Cat looks relaxed for probably the first time in the entire series. Cop asks about Cat’s tattoo. Cat says someone convinced her to get it, and when Cop prods about who, she says, “No one important.” Could she be finally over Frankie? We’re gonna guess the answer is probably no.

Now, it’s your turn. Share your feelings, rants, fantasies and other insights in the comment space below. For those who watched the first episode and were on the fence, does this week’s installment change anything for you?

‘Lip Service’ Recap Episode 101: Lesbian TV Show is Pretty Good, Sexy, Comes with a New Shane

BBC3’s new lesbian drama Lip Service began its scandalous run on the BBC3 with nearly 600,000 viewers on Tuesday, Oct. 12, and then it got like 10 million complaint letters ’cause two chicks have sex around dead people. Idk, it happens. We’ll get there.

Fans of The L Word (the good seasons, anyway) will be happy to know two things about Lip Service (aka The L Word If Everyone Talked Like Helena Peabody), BBC3’s new drama about the lives of three lesbian/bisexual women in Glasgow:

1. The theme song doesn’t have lyrics. And it certainly doesn’t suffer from gerund overdose. It does, however, have harmonicas.

2. As Riese previously stated: attention Autostraddlers, we have a Scottish Shane.

Meet Ruta Gedmintas, a.k.a. broody Bisexual Gal With A Camera™ protagonist Frankie, who will now proceed to lead a whole new generation of straight British girls to further ponder their sexuality.

Completing the entourage are:

+Frankie’s ex-girlfriend Cat (Laura Fraser), a meticulous, control-freak architect with a Selma-Blair-circa-Legally-Blonde vibe and just the cutest accent ever.

+Tess (Fiona Button), a struggling actress also getting over a nasty breakup.

+ Ed (James Antony Pearson), Cat’s brother and Tess’ constant companion who totally has an unrequited crush on her and it’s kind of cute but also sad.

+ Jay (Emun Elliot), Cat’s coworker and Frankie’s close friend who serves as the glue that holds the group together and is probably the most sex-obsessed of the group (his new girlfriend, Becky, makes an appearance).

Now, let’s get into it.

We open in New York where Shane/Frankie’s working her camera magic on a sultry (supposedly straight AND ENGAGED, LOL) American model with all the charisma of an actress. That being said she brings a whole new meaning to “the camera loves you.”

Within two minutes they start having sex and instantly this show becomes totally amazing.

Frankie interrupts the makeout for an apparently INSANELY URGENT phone call. Her aunt, who raised her after her parents died, has now died. She returns to the makeout.

Let’s refresh — THIS IS THE OPENING SCENE. There is no ovulation here, or if there is we don’t have to hear about it.

I think what we’re supposed to take away from this is that Frankie uses sex as an anesthetic for her emotional pain and insecurities. You know, like Shane. Everyone got that? Good. We liked it the first time (Brian Kinney) and the second time (Shane), so I suspect we’ll like it the third time (Frankie).

Cut to an apartment which a photographer in New York could never afford, seemingly inhabited and rented by a photographer in New York named Frankie. She’s creeping her exes on Facebook (important lesbian/human cultural reference #1), but the best part is her status, which reads something along the lines of “Frankie thinks Bella should have ditched Edward and…” Team Bella knows no borders, friends.

Stalkage is interrupted by a voicemail from, you guessed it, her now deceased aunt, telling “Francesca” that she has something she wants to tell her, but all we heard was, “Jenny. This is Marina. I can’t stop thinking about you.” JK that would be gross. But also, like, really.

In Glasgow, Frankie’s getting checked out by passing business-y looking Scottish women the second she steps off the plane, and has a look on her face that says, “I still got it. I’m Shane, motherfuckers.”

Frankie gets shuttled away from the airport by Jay, her straight dude friend, and then we meet Frankie’s ex Cat, who, in the midst of Important Architectural Work, receives a message from someone named Sam on GaydarGirls, asking her out for drinks. Just as we think we’re going to get more details, roommate Tess barges in with — what else, y’all? — SERIOUS EX DRAMZ.

Tess: This is Chloe’s Facebook picture, and this is a picture I took of her at your birthday party. One and the same!

Cat: Tess, I just need to…

Tess: She dumps me, and then the bitch has the audacity to use a sexy photo I took of her as her Facebook picture! I mean, is it just me, or is that criminal?

Tess convinces Cat to go on a date with the Gaydar Girl because it’s been two years since her breakup with Frankie which means it’s ‘moving on’ time. But now Tess needs a dress for her date that she left at Chloe’s when they de-U-Hauled.

Unsurprisingly, Ed and Tess end up hiding underneath the bed when Chloe returns home with her new lover, dashing in for a little afternoon delight. Obviously Tess goes on to blow her audition for face cream.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the Sea of Terrible Ex-Girlfriend Demons We Haven’t Had Time to Develop ‘Cause It’s the First Episode, Frankie is wandering around the alley outside like the Diet Coke guy/Melissa Etheridge, and Cat eventually comes down from her window to be steely in the face of Frankie’s Aura.

It’s tense in that way that you know it’ll get a little tenser later.

At The Planet/Rubies, we see the entourage in action doing the things that entourages do: talking about trampling all over ex-girlfriends, talking about relationships past (Frankie persuaded Cat to leave her girlfriend and then shit got real). There’s a boy there and he has a girlfriend, we don’t care, and later he has a heart-to-heart with Frankie in front of everybody about taming his man-beast, which Frankie clearly has an interest in as well. Shots for everyone!

Cat’s Cop Date is that difficult to read type who always seems like they’re totally judging you and it makes you nervous and ramble and eventually, um, you know, talking about your ex-girlfriend a lot.

It’s still remarkably confusing how Cat and Frankie were ever together, which might be one of the show’s most interesting aspects so far.

The next day, Ed and Tess are just hangin’ out, dressed like kiwi soda cans, because they’re unemployed and broke and will do just about anything for cash. Aren’t we all.

Then they start talking about Ed’s grandparents’ sex life and eventually Tess has another moment where she could be Alice talking about her post-Gabby Devoux life, or she could be a new character altogether. Hard to tell.

The conversation switches to “über-babe” TV anchor Lou Foster, a very “straight-looking” brunette with strong Jenny Schecter-potential. Right down to that bow.

Tess walks in on Lou Foster crying in the bathroom, who has just been dumped by her (MARRIED!) boyfriend. Tess consoles her and we imagine will bring her over to the gay side soon enough.

At the funeral home we get more insight into Frankie’s damaged soul as she softly caresses the CORPSE of her dead aunt, where she is interrupted by her family, who hates her probs for being a homogay. Eventually there’s a heated argument, Frankie wants to know what her aunt wanted to tell her (re: voicemail), and Frankie ends up crying in a bathroom stall. It’s really sad because it’s always sadder when Shane cries.

It’s Cat to the rescue, and the first real attempt at reconciliation leads to another important lesbian cultural reference: the use of weed-related nostalgia (specifically, the first time they got stoned together and ate all of Frankie’s uncle’s posh biscuits, because sometimes, you do that).

Frankie turns the attempt at reconciliation into a makeout attempt (classic mistake). Cat freaks out. End poignant moment, leaving Frankie looking adorably confused/pained.

In another happier place, Tess and Lou are experiencing the burning fire of straight girl conversion at a bar and then take that lust to Lou’s super-swanky apartment over glasses of wine. Lou has these um, robots, and Tess really likes them, because she is the most adorable geek ever.

Lou has always wanted to kiss a woman, and now it’s starting time for that which is neat, but not as neat as what happens next when Cat goes to visit Frankie at the funeral parlor and heads down to the morgue where Frankie is fucking a random girl with a force and velocity that suggests fisting, a Papi’s Circles-Esque technique, and/or extreme dexterity despite the presence of a zip-fly and underpants and all that other shit. Or just an oddly choreographed sex scene.

Also, are they having sex or is Frankie trying to saw her leg off?

Cat stands there in horror and disbelief and runs out, the corpse doesn’t notice because the corpse is dead, and the funeral home receptionist doesn’t notice because Frankie’s hand is probably in her ovaries.

Upon finishing, Frankie gets this weird “what have I done”/”I must be seriously fucked up”/”I wish I was dead” look on her face and throws on her jacket.

Panting receptionist lady asks for Frankie’s number, like, “But, I mean, you’re the kind of girl who hooks up with strangers in mortuaries. How do I contact you?” but Frankie says that the girl doesn’t want it. Okay, neat. But Frankie’s gone, and on her way out she doesn’t see Cat, who is standing on the side of the street, bawling her pretty eyes out.

[/feelings]

And, before signing off, here’s the episode by the numbers:

+ Number of times someone cries in a bathroom: 2
+ Number of times Frankie has sex with someone up against a wall: 2
+ Number of times the term “Lezurrection” is used: 1
+ Number of shots taken during the obligatory bar scene: Don’t know, but I want some.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK OF LIP SERVICE? Is it the new L Word, is it too much like The L Word, is it worse/better than you expected, do you care about these people, do you care about anything, just talk to me now.

BBC3′s Lesbian Drama “Lip Service” Premieres in October, Starring ‘Frankie’ as ‘Shane’

LIP SERVICE:

Unreality TV has a new article about the hotly anticipated six-part BBC3 drama series Lip Service, which looks significantly better than The L Word because it’s not just Helena with a British accent, it’s everybody with a British accent! We have been excited about this for a long time and it was supposed to come out in the spring and it didn’t but good news! It’s really going to come out in October for real they swear:

Specifically, we are eagerly anticipating the debut of Frankie, played by Ruta Gedmintas (The Tudors, Spooks), “an irreverent and provocative photographer who avoids commitment at all turns.” Frankie is bisexual, sleeps with men, but “only falls in love with women.” That will probably offend somebody somewhere but who cares look at her:

Writer and creator Harriet Braun spoke to Unreality Prime Time:

“I wanted to create believable, multi-faceted characters that people can really identify with and also to mix comedy and drama. I wanted it to feel very real and often our most embarrassing moments can end up being very funny in retrospect. There’s also a mystery element to Lip Service that keeps you guessing.

“It was very important to me to that the lesbian characters in this story feel authentic to a lesbian audience. But I don’t think anyone could attempt to portray every member of a community in a drama – if they tried, they’d fail.

“Lip Service follows characters at a pivotal point in their lives – they’re either in their late-twenties or early-thirties. It’s a time when people are often frustrated about where they are in life and wonder if they’ll ever be the person they want to be. Or they’re aware they’ve made mistakes and don’t want to make the same mistakes again. You start to take stock and realise life isn’t a dress rehearsal.

“As a writer, I’m always most interested in what’s going on under the surface. So, it’s also about secrets. I think most of the characters, in one way or another, are hiding their emotions or fears and desires and it’s about the consequences of playing emotional games or not being honest with yourself or others.

If you live in someplace other than America, you can check out Shane on the cover of DIVA magazine and watch these “meet the characters” videos!

LINDSAY LOHAN:

Ruh-roh. Lindsay Lohan confesses to failed drug test: Sadface.

ADAM LAMBERT:

Some douchebag tried to take pictures of Adam Lambert so that they could make a dirty dollar and Adam Lambert was like f*ck you leave me alone! And then the guy was like, “I’m such a gross excuse for a person that I’m actually going to press battery charges against you even though you didn’t actually attack me and the photos of the incident contradict my police report!” and Adam Lambert was like “seriously, bro?” and then TMZ was like oMGAGAWELIVEFORTHISSHIT.

GAGA:

Born This Way will be released in 2011 and Gagaloo is very, very excitant! “The album is my absolute greatest work I’ve ever done and I’m so excited about it. The message, the melodies, the direction, the meaning, what it will mean to my fans and what it will mean in my own life – it’s utter liberation. My fans have related to me as a human being and as a non-human being – as a super-human person that I truly am. Everyone tells me I’m arrogant but my music’s the only thing I’ve got, so you’ll have to let me be confident about one thing. I suppose that’s what you can expect from the album: a lot of hit records that will piss people off.

“Beyoncé said: ‘Where the f**k do you get these ideas from?’ And I was like: ‘I don’t know Bee, it was just the way I was born‘.” (@digitalspy)

Also, a new article that argues at length that Lady Gaga isn’t the feminist icon you think she is. (@guardianuk)

GLEE:

Sue Sylvester‘s got a new nemesis who looks a little homogay. Meet the new Football Coach: Shannon Beiste (pronounced “beast”). (@tvguide) Also, take a first look at out actor Cheyenne Jackson (from 30 Rock) in his Glee debut.

HAVILAND STILLWELL:

Autostraddle partied like it was 2006 last Sunday as our very own Haviland Stillwell performed at Joe’s Pub with special guest Andrea McArdle. The highlight was probs their live collabo, the “Hurts So Good/I Like It Rough” mash-up, featured on the soundtrack to the upcoming Real L Word: Looking Back video teaser. (@broadwayworld)

RICKY MARTIN:

Is working on a new album and is ready to ‘go there’ with singing about his personal life after finally coming out. His producer says:  “I’m really excited about the music, the content, because since he’s come out it’s unleashed his creativity and the scope of what he can sing about and say and do.” (@blackbookmag)

KATHY GRIFFIN:

This Jimmy Kimmel Live appearance is aces. Part one of many. Kathy talks about: Oprah, Snooki, the VMAs, tweeting and naming her fans Kath-eters ala “little monsters.”

Want Lesbian TV? Try the BBC.

GIRLS ON THE BBC: The BBC released its Spring/Winter 2010 Drama Highlights yesterday, and it seems that the country currently bringing you Skins is about to bring you even more hot girls making out! We told you about Lip Service, “a bold new drama about the sex lives and love affairs of twenty-something lesbians living in contemporary Glasgow,” a few months ago but were unawares that said program would appear in the BBC Winter/Spring 2010 trailer I was watching. Lip Service gets about three seconds of the trailer, but during those three seconds, I thought I saw Shane again…

Hello you remind me of a girl that I once knew. Ruta Gedmintas (The Tudors, Spooks) plays Frankie, “an irreverent and provocative photographer who avoids commitment at all turns.”

Tangent: 25% of you will know what I’m talking about when I ask you if you remember how you felt the first time you had a feeling about Shane. The other 75% of you are either rolling your eyes and preparing to unleash a screed about her bony ass or groaning “Why are you still taking about The L Word if you hated it so much?” (Answer: ’cause it’s funny to keep talking about it! It’s our running gag! Like the chicken dance on Arrested Development, but less funny!) All I’m saying is before I even realized there was a lesbian show in the BBC’s Winter/Spring 2010 trailer, this girl did a gesture like she’d just accidentally broken someone’s heart and my heart skipped a tiny beat! What surprise/obvs I felt seeing that this girl was from a new lesbian show!

Sidenote: More lesbians! Obvs there were two ladies in period outfits making out in that trailer, I did not overlook that, though I’m not sure what show that’s from. Anyone? BBC is also producing Lindsay Lohan In India, in which Lindsay Lohan “travels across India to meet the people involved in child trafficking.”

Anyhoo, back to Lip Service. Creator Harriet Braun who also wrote Mistresses (which had a hot lesbo storyline too), said, “I loved The L Word but it’s high time we saw some contemporary British lesbians, with all the bad weather, trips to the pub and repressed emotions that go with that. It will be as funny as it is pathos filled, because in my experience that’s how life is.”

The cast also includes Laura Fraser as Cat (“Frankie’s former lover, who may not be as immune to Frankie’s charms as she professes to be”), Fiona Button as Tess (“Cat’s best friend and flatmate who has an uncanny knack of attracting all the wrong sorts of women”) and Roxanne McKee as Lou.

According to The Daily Record, “[Lip Service] is going to make Glasgow look amazing. It’s set in the Merchant City and it makes the city look as cool as New York. But it’s not gratuitous. It’s not going to show lesbians in a bad light. It’s not all about bed-hopping sex antics.”

UK’s Throng isn’t as pumped: “it sounds dreadful doesn’t it? If it wasn’t for the promise of some nude women, I don’t think many would even think about tuning in. I can’t even tell you if it will contain nude women. As it’s on BBC Three, I think it’s fair to assume that this will be like Sugar Rush, only with fisting.”

According to a source at the Daily Star: “There’s a lot of lesbian sex and girl-on-girl stuff. It’s definitely one of the must-see shows of 2010.”

There’s a Lip Service trailer on the BBC website I can’t watch in America, which hurts, so I went to my dear friend EurOut and found indeed they’ve somehow unearthed a scene.

BOYS ON LOGO: Logo has greenlit four new series including a spin-off of RuPaul’s Drag Race called “RuPaul’s Drag U,” which will see everyday women competing in tasks to become a diva, under the instructions of a team of drag queens and will debut in July. Other series include “The Arrangement,” which will pit talented floral designers against each other, “The Robert Verdi Show” Starring Robert Verdi which we are 95% sure is about Robert Verdi who is apparently a “larger-than-life” (THAT’S REALLY BIG) celebrity-stylist-turned-entrepreneur, and eight-part doc “Kept” which will look into the lives of privileged real gay homemakers in New York, who live life only to be ‘kept’ by their partners. Winners keepers kids! We’ll maybe secretly like that.

In news related to our favorite ladies Julie Goldman, Kate McKinnon, Nicol Paone and Michelle Paradise, Logo has also ordered new episodes of some of BBC series Beautiful People, lesbian drama Exes & Ohs, documentary series Real Momentum and more of The Big Gay Sketch Show!

UGLY BETTY: Michael Urie who plays fashionista Marc in Ugly Betty has played gay many times (most recently in the Off Broadway play, The Tempermentals), but he never officially announced his sexual orientation, until now:

“I’ve never been in. I’ve never said I was straight, and I’m not saying I’m gay now. I never lie, and I’ve never shied away from the topic. I’ve certainly chosen through my work to do things that promote the rights of LGBTQ people.  I’ve been in a relationship for a while now, and if you just met the two of us together we’d be ‘gay.’ But that somehow means anything that happened before [we met] didn’t count—and I don’t feel that way. I know that some people feel that way. They were with women, but it always felt wrong. But it didn’t for me. It felt right at the time. It didn’t work out, but it also didn’t work out with other men—many times. That’s why ‘gay’ never seemed right.” (@advocate)

LADY GAGA: Gaga is hosting the Hands Up for Marriage Equality benefit this Saturday, January 16th in Atlantic City.

KRISTIN CHENOWITH: Autofave Kristin Chenowith & Kerry Washington are ready to make out for an upcoming Dusty Springfield biopic: You see, back in April, Chenoweth told E!, “I want Kerry Washington to play my girlfriend, Dusty had a relationship with an African-American woman and she was supposedly very attractive. Kerry is a great actress and I think we’d be amazing together.” NOW, in a new interview with E!, Washington recalled running into Chenoweth in Los Angeles after reading the interview: “I was like, ‘I would love to be your lesbian lover!’” Washington said. “It’s very exciting. I feel like I’ve been waiting to make out with her forever.” (@eonline)

OPRAH: DVR Alert!  Lady Gaga, Adam Lambert and Rosie O’Donnell will all be on Oprah within the next week! Check ye local listings (or Autostraddle the day after).

CASEY JOHNSON: Before she died, Casey Johnson candidly talks about personal failures in her final interview: “It’s been a total nightmare for me. I really have tried to be a success…and it’s all gone nowhere. I’m a mess over it.” She also spoke of her jealously of longtime friend Paris Hilton, telling Star: “She’s my best friend, and I love her. But I hate that she has everything and everything has gone her way.” (@starmagazine)

TILA TEQUILA: Tila Tequila is opening up about her 1 month relationship with Casey: “Lesbians tend to move very fast. They call us U-haul lesbians and that’s what we did. She U-hauled herself into my house the next day,” says Tequila. “She brought all her dogs. Racks of clothes. I have two bedrooms and she filled up the entire bedroom and guest bedroom with all her shoes and clothes. I came home and the bathroom is filled with all her stuff. Makeup, picture frames of her daughter Ava everywhere. I was like this is hilarious. I said I feel like we’d been married five years.” After presenting Tequila with the 17-carat diamond, the Casey reportedly said, “‘Will you please wear this? I want you to be my wife.’ “ Tequila recalls. “We started laughing and crying.” (@people) She also describes visions of Casey in her dreams. (@extratv)

OUTRAGE: Isn’t it strange that GLAAD nominated every movie and TV show with gay characters, appeal and punchlines EXCEPT the phenomenal documentary, Outrage?