15 TV Shows We Loved and Lost and Were Actually Sad About

News breaking last week that queer fan favorites One Day at a Time and Wynonna Earp were facing an uphill battle getting another season made has caused our TV team to: a) wail and gnash our teeth, and b) reflect on some of the shows we’ve actually mourned losing. There’ve been a lot of beloved LGBTQ series these last several years, but when most of them go we’re either satisfied that they’ve run their course (sometimes more than run their course) or apathetic because the shows never reached their full queer potential. There are a handful of shows, however, that we’ve been legitimately crushed to see end.

This list, you’ll notice, is overwhelmingly white, which speaks to how few shows really centered QPOC characters — and how few shows with QPOC characters were given a chance to find their footing — until recently. All the more reason to hit play on One Day at a Time immediately (more info on that below).

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Bomb Girls

Riese

It wasn’t until I saw Betty McRae — one of the few masculine-of-center queers we’ve gotten on television — that I knew I’d never seen anything like her. Bomb Girls got me interested in learning about lesbian history — I was interested in the kind of lesbian culture that was able to thrive in wartime due to the absence of men and the ease with which women were permitted to enter the workforce. All the herstory you’ve read from me on this website, including the Herstory Issue we did in 2012 — that wouldn’t have happened without Bomb Girls.

But it’s not just lesbian representation that made Bomb Girls so special; it was its exemplary feminist leanings, its faithfulness to history and its full, rich, dynamic female characters I would’ve followed for years to come. They barely cracked the surface of this time period and the stories it contained, still had a ways to go with respect to diversity — and I think they would’ve gone that distance, given the chance.

Valerie Anne

I miss Bomb GIrls so much, so often. Betty McRae had that something about her that really wiggled its way into your heart and stuck there. Her pain was my pain, her wins were my wins. And I agree with Riese, it wasn’t even just the lesbian storylines that made the women of that show so compelling. It was the way they existed, survived and thrived in that time, it was their friendships and unique bonds in this unique time in their lives. And, I mean, the outfits!!

Heather

Bomb Girls will always be one of my favorite shows. The amount of time I’ve spent reading and writing about women’s labor during World War II is… vast. To see that history come to life in a drama that featured a half dozen fully realized women characters — one of whom was Betty Fuckin’ McRae — remains a miracle to my mind. Has anyone on-screen had that lesbian swagger like she did? I really can’t think of anyone! Bomb Girls had enough story to tell for ten seasons. I was brokenhearted when it got canned.

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One Mississippi & I Love Dick

Riese

I talked about these shows in their very own post and also I talked about I Love Dick even more in this post so that’s all! I won’t talk about it again but just so you know, I have strong feelings.

Heather

So many shows on TV, you lose them and you can replace them with something else that’s basically the same thing. (Especially for straight white cis people who like fire fighters or detectives or hospitals.) But there has never been a show like One Mississippi and I’m not sure there will be again for a long time, or maybe ever. A dark comedy/love story centering a 47-year-old masculine-of-center lesbian from the south? That really does feel once-in-a-lifetime. And it’s not just that the series ticked some underrepresented minority boxes; it was just really smart and really funny and really sweet and really real storytelling. Gah, and such a refreshing love story! Lisa Franklin of My Two Lesbian Ants said it better than me.

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Faking It

Riese

Recapping a show when you recap a show like I recap a show is a pretty time-intensive process, which means when that show gets cancelled I often feel relief that the task has been removed from my plate and that relief overshadows my sadness about the show — which I liked enough to recap! — being cancelled. I can now say that I miss it and wish we’d had more time for Amy to blossom and do her summer discovery tour with that lesbian band you know?

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Lip Service

Riese

I will watch lesbians do anything! That being said I am nothing if not entirely predictable so of course I wanted more Frankie in my life and I felt very sad that she was written off before the end of what’d turn out to be its final season.

Natalie

So I mourned Lip Service’s end too but not because of Frankie — I’d seen a better version of Frankie with Kate Moennig’s Shane and she never interested me much — but because the show had finally started to center itself around the characters I did find interesting: Tess, Sadie, Lexy and Sam. I wish we’d gotten to see more of Tess’ unending search for love, Sadie’s unrepentant grifting and Sam being a hot cop.

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Dracula

Valerie Anne

For reasons I can’t quite put my finger on (okay fine it had a lot to do with Katie McGrath and Jessica De Gouw) I loved the first season of Dracula. Watching Lucy realize she was in love with her best friend, and that there were girls in the world who kissed other girls, was quite the sight to behold. It did such a great job of depicting the intensity of female friendship, and how sometimes when you’re queer it can be hard to suss out whether you love someone as a friend or you want more… and if they other person is feeling the same kind of confusion. (I’m also a sucker for a good, heart-wrenching, unrequited love story.) And then at the end of Season One, Lucy got turned into a vampire, so we could have had the lesbian vampire of our dreams! Alas, the show was gone too soon.

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The Playboy Club

Valerie Anne

I know Riese talked about this show in her article about cancelled shows, but I wanted to give it another shout-out here because I was really excited to explore the underground world of the LGBTQ+ community in the ’60s. Plus, someone got stabbed with a stiletto!

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All My Children

Natalie

It feels weird to count All My Children among these other shows, many of whom never got the opportunity to tell the stories that their creators wanted to tell…after all, AMC had been a part of daytime television for 41 years before it was cancelled in 2011. But it’s precisely because it had been on for so long that soap fans like myself mourned its loss so intensely. We’d welcomed All My Children into our homes for an hour everyday and we got to know those characters intimately. When my life was at its craziest, I knew that everyday, I could count on a short escape to Pine Valley. It was my television comfort food for years and, then, suddenly it was gone. I mourn its loss, still (which you can tell by the fact that we can never get through one of these roundtables without me mentioning it).

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Still Star-Crossed

Natalie

Based on the book by Melinda Traub, Still Star-Crossed was the short-lived series that picked up just after the deaths of Romeo and Juliet. It was everything you’d come to expect from a Shondaland product — an exquisitely cast group of diverse, beautiful, young actors — but it existed fully within the Shakespearean realm. It was an ambitious project, especially for network television; one that, admittedly, took me a little while to really get, but once I did, I loved it.

I loved Ebonee Noel’s Livia and Lashana Lynch’s Rosaline and, of course, Medalion Rahimi’s Princess Isabella most of all. A lesbian princess? Where else but in Shondaland?

But, of course, just as I started to get it and really love it, it was cancelled. It’s been almost two years since they cancelled it and I’m still mad about it. When Rahimi guest-starred on Scandal as a young Bashrani lesbian who — spoiler alert! — gets killed by Olivia Pope, I thought, “Why won’t the TV gods let her lesbian in peace?!”

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Glee, Pretty Little Liars, The L Word

Carmen

I really struggled with coming up for a show for this roundtable! I’ve been lucky. I’ve never mourned the loss of a dearly departed gay show. In fact, most of the gay shows I’ve truly loved have been blessed with a long life. Perhaps, arguably, even too long of a life. I present to you: Glee, Pretty Little Liars, and the mothership closest to all of our hearts, The L Word. Each ran for six or seven years, when in all honesty four or five was probably closer to their sweet spot.

There’s a different kind of gut level pain that happens when you find yourself groaning at the DVR over a show that once made your life brighter and your heart flutter.You can’t quit it, no matter how hard you try. Because really, what is life without Santana Lopez? What is the sun if Bette Porter isn’t there to yell “fuck” at it? Do the days even really change if Emily Fields doesn’t have glass in her hair? So you stay, and you curse yourself for staying, but in your heart you know – there’s no other way. So, I can’t say that I’ve felt the agony of crying for a show that was cut down in its prime.

But reader, that does not mean that I haven’t felt pain.

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Go On

Heather

In 2012, NBC aired a single season of a comedy called Go On about a support group for widowed spouses. The ensemble was a sitcom dream team: Laura Benanti, Matthew Perry, Suzy Nakamura, Brett Gelman, and Julie White, who played misanthropic lesbian Anne. It was a revolutionary show, not only because it landed well before the golden age of single-cam comedies rooted in trauma and depression and anxiety and grief, but also because it featured the first series regular lesbian on a broadcast TV sitcom since Ellen. There were no tired, cliched, tropey lesbian jokes; Go On wasn’t Friends. The writing for Anne refreshing and Julie White played her with such compassionate, deadpan hilarity I couldn’t get enough of it. Go On balanced laughs and pathos right out of the gate, something it took everyone’s favorite modern found family comedies — Parks and Rec, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, etc. — at least a full season to figure out.

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Caprica

Heather

I do understand that I was the only person on the face of the earth watching this Battlestar Galactica prequel, probably because it went hard hard hard on the religious stuff everyone hated about the original series, but I still think it was one of the most compelling sci-fi shows I’ve ever seen. It was asking questions ten years ago that we’re just beginning to grapple with today, about our online footprints and the data collected about us from social media networks and mobile phone companies and internet service providers and even those little frequent shopper cards you use to collect points for gas at Kroger. Specifically it was asking the question: After you die, could all the data you left behind be used to recreate you? Okay and if it could, what if someone plugged that data into — oh, say — a Cylon? Forcing this issue was prep school headmistresses and straight up cult leader Sister Clarice Willow, a psychotic bisexual Mommi played with cold precision by Polly Walker. It only lasted a truncated season and I think that’s a damn shame!

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Adventure Time

Heather

It feels a little bit silly to say I mourn a show that lasted 300 episodes and ten seasons, and one that came to a natural and very satisfying(ly gay) conclusion — but I feel about this show the way Natalie feels about All My Children: I would have watched ten thousand episodes. It never faltered, in my opinion; it only got deeper and weirder and more gratifying to watch. Heck, I would have even settled for a spin-off doing a deep dive into all the supporting characters. I loved the feeling of opening up the DVR menu and realizing five new episodes of Adventure Time had appeared like magic. It was my one of my favorite Saturday morning surprises. I’ll miss that small thrill and Marceline and PB too, for a very long time.

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Valerie Anne wants you to know Wynonna Earp is more than just a TV show to her; it’s found family. You can keep up with the most up-to-date information about saving the show at fightforwynonna.com and tweet your support with the hashtags #WynonnaEarp and #FightForWynonna.

Carmen wants you to know that if you are not doing literally everything you can to help save sweet, sweet Elena Alvarez from the cancelled TV lesbian graveyard, she will cry into a thousand damp pillowcases. She will never, NOT EVER, forgive you. Watch it right this second on Netflix and tweet it: #ODAAT and #RenewODAAT.

What gay shows do you actually mourn?

Cast Full of Lesbians: 15 TV Shows That Put Queer Women First

In interviews about The L Word reboot, Ilene Chaiken often mentions her assumption, at TLW’s conclusion in 2009, that the initiative she’d begun would be taken up by future showrunners and networks — that we’d enter a bold new era of lesbian-centric programming. Gay cable channels Logo and Here! had recently launched and we were full of hope. Chaiken was, as you probably have gathered, incorrect. But – there have been some shows that symbolically picked up the torch to varying degrees and that’s what we’re here to talk about today. The headline references the “Cast Full of Gays” trope, which is a much easier list to make (e.g., Queer as Folk, Looking, Noah’s Arc, Dante’s Cove, etc.) because of the patriarchy.

The criteria for this list were as follows: the program was produced and broadcast by an actual television or streaming network (rather than picked up later by one) and is not a “webseries,” it aims for realism, the lead(s) are queer and its focus is one or more lesbian, bisexual or queer women and her/their romantic, sexual and social lives. This does not include very queer shows that are primarily about supernatural situations (e.g., Lost Girl, Wynonna Earp, Sense8) or prison life (e.g., Orange is the New Black, Bad Girls, Wentworth) or the law (e.g., How to Get Away With Murder, Janet King), but shows that are about people and their relationships first and foremost. This usually means they fall into “prime-time soap” category. However, having a lesbian or bisexual lead and being realistic isn’t enough (e.g., Everything Sucks!, Gypsy, Broad City), the queer element has to be the show’s focus and the show’s essential hook without which the show would have no argument for its own existence. I didn’t include The Fosters because the kids’ stories are given equal importance / screen time to the lesbian Moms as opposed to the more clearly defined side-plot status of the straights on the other shows in this list. Even Ellen wouldn’t count because she was ostensibly straight for the first many seasons. These are shows that put lesbian and bisexual women and their social and romantic relationships with other queer women first.

Ratings System: Percentage based on score out of 30 

10 points: 1 point for every 10% of the show that is focused on queer stories
10 points: The presence of lesbian/bisexual friends, with the highest score going to shows that portray queer social groups / social life
10 points: % of lead characters who are lesbian/bisexual

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The L Word, Showtime, 2004 – 2009 (95%)

Watch: On Netflix or Amazon

Leads: Jennifer Schecter (lesbian), Shane McCutcheon (lesbian), Tina Kennard (bisexual), Kit Porter (straight), Alice Pieszecki (bisexual), Bette Porter (lesbian)

As Shirley Bassey sings in a remix played during that scene in Season Two when Alice and Dana “debut” as a couple at The Planet, “where do I begin?” The answer is: right here, with The L Word. This is where we begin.

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South of Nowhere, The N, 2005 – 2008 (53%)

Watch: Season One on DVD, Seasons 2 & 3 are streaming on Amazon Prime

Leads: Spencer Carlin (lesbian) & Ashley Davies (bisexual)
Secondary Leads: Spencer’s brother Glen and her parents (all heterosexual), Ashley and Spencer’s friend Aiden (heterosexual).

For a moment, when both South of Nowhere and The L Word existed at the same time on the same planet, it seemed a tide was turning and our stories had suddenly become viable television products. LOL. But so many owe their lesbian awakenings to this tender teen drama about Spencer, who moves to Los Angeles from the midwest with her family, gets a new best friend Ashley, and gradually discovers that she likes girls (including Ashley, who also likes girls). It was the first series on The N to address the topic with its primary characters, was reviewed favorably, and nominated for a GLAAD Media Award all three seasons. It started out so strong, giving us one of the first-ever femme teen couples on U.S. television, then created a very unpleasant Ashley/Aiden/Spencer love triangle and then spent entirely too much time trying to make us care about the straight characters before getting cancelled. NOBODY CARES ABOUT GLEN. Fans fought hard for a webseries following up the original program though, and got it, and the lead actresses remain regular fixtures at cons and in lesbian webseries.

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Sugar Rush, Channel 4 (UK), 2005 – 2006 (60%)

Watch: On DVD or YouTube

Leads: Kim (lesbian) and Sugar (bisexual).
Secondary Leads: Kim’s parents, Nathan and Stella. (Heterosexual)

“It says something about the state of diversity in UK television that, currently, the best programme about lesbian relationships is a series from 2005,” wrote Radio Times in 2017, celebrating the release of Channel 4’s Pride Collection, further noting the “near-absence of lesbian shows in the Pride Collection” that indicated “a larger deficiency in the UK television industry.”

The series follows 15-year old Kim as she fights her burning crush on her new BFF, super bad girl Sugar, and struggles with her dysfunctional family — Mom’s shagging the carpenter while her Dad’s oblivious and heart-breakingly kind, and her brother literally believes he’s from another planet. But the focus is on Kim’s sexuality, her love for and friendship with Sugar and, later, her actual lesbian girlfriend Saint. It’s based on a YA novel you shouldn’t buy because the author is a terrible person. After two seasons the program was cancelled for mysterious reasons — a channel spokeswoman said the story of the girls had run its course, rumors suggested it was being removed to make room for Big Brother 8, and producers said the cancellation was “a last minute thing” and they were saddened to learn of it.

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Curl Girls (Reality), Logo, 2007 (100%)

Watch: Online at Logo through local cable provider

Curl Girls was the first lesbian reality show on a major television channel, was part of Logo’s initial effort to actually provide lesbian representation as well as the same for gay men on their brand new cable channel. Logo described the cast like this: “Vanessa, who’ll go topless for her love of shock value; Melissa and Jessica, the on again-off again, steamy couple; Michele and Erin, the surfing pros of the group; and sexy new-girl Gingi.” They competed for a trip to Hawaii, which “strained their friendship” but apparently was not enough drama to earn the show a second season.

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Exes and Ohs, Logo, 2007 – 2011 (100%)

Watch: On Amazon Prime

Leads: Jennifer (lesbian), Sam (lesbian), Kris (lesbian), Chris (lesbian).

This American/Canadian TV series, created by and starring lesbian comedian Michelle Paradise, focused on the dating life of Jennifer, a documentary filmmaker and her friends — Sam (Marnie Alton), the femme Shane of the group, animal-obsessed couple Chris (Megan Cavanagh) and Kris (Angela Featherstone) and musician Crutch (Heather Matarazzo). Based on Paradise’s short film The Ten Rules: A Lesbian Survival Guide, Exes and Ohs had the general vibe of a mediocre ’90s lesbian movie. Still, many found it charming and endearing in its own way. Plus, it’s basically the only sitcom about a group of lesbian friends to ever exist AND as far as I know, the cast was mostly or entirely queer women, too.

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Gimme Sugar (Reality), Logo, 2008 – 2009 (100%)

Watch: On Logo’s website through your local cable provider

Gimme Sugar was Logo’s other reality offering for women, featuring a group of five lesbian and bisexual friends who put on Truck Stop, a hot party hosted at The Abbey in Los Angeles that I used to like a lot. Logo described it like this: “Five hot young friends on the L.A. lesbian club scene bite off more than they can chew when they try to launch and promote their own club night. If they succeed, they’ll be the youngest female promoters in LA. The girls will fight, fall in love, break apart, and come back together as they struggle to make their dream come true in this hot new reality series.” Season Two split the team between Miami and LA, a move that never really justified itself.  We made fun of this show and acted like it was ridiculous until we tried to throw our own party and all of us were petty in emails and then sloppy-drunk fighting with each other at the bar the night of and realized that we lived in a glass house and shouldn’t throw stones.

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Lip Service, BBC Three (UK), 2010 – 2012 (90%)

Watch: On Hulu

Season One Leads: Cat Mackenzie (lesbian), Frankie Alan (lesbian), Tess Roberts (lesbian), Sam Murray (lesbian), Sadie Anderson (lesbian), Jay Adams (heterosexual male), Ed McKenzie (heterosexual male)
Season Two Leads: Tess Roberts (lesbian), Sam Murray (lesbian), Sadie Anderson (lesbian), Lexy Price (lesbian), Ed McKenzie (heterosexual male)

The closest think we ever got to The L Word was Lip Service, a Glasgow-set drama following a group of lesbian friends: neurotic architect Cat; her best friend Frankie, a brooding Shane-esque photographer; frazzled struggling actress Tess; hot cop Sam (this is how we all discovered Heather Peace!) and notorious bad girl Sadie. Season Two introduced Sexy Lexy Price, a doctor who moved in with Tess, Frankie and Sadie. It was fun and hot and compelling, but the show never really set up the sense of a larger queer social web or the city’s scene in the same way The L Word did, mainstream critics hated it and the community’s reaction was, according to Heather Davidson, “mixed.” She also noted that the show aired on BBC Three, its “youth-oriented” channel. I recapped a handful of episodes, watched it faithfully, truly enjoyed it and never felt bored or upset (besides when Cat was killed) — but still none of the involved characters come to mind when I think of my favorites. But 12 episodes isn’t a lot of time to shine, either. “What Lip Service was interested in showing you was sex, and lots of it – sex involving razors, sex involving funeral homes, sex involving condiments,” Heather wrote. “Honestly, it was a trip.”

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The Real L Word (Reality), Showtime, 2010 – 2012 (100%)

Watch: On Showtime or Amazon Prime

It is not a secret that I hated every moment of this hellshow but y’all loved my petulant recaps and our parody videos and that was great for traffic! Each season was its own specific beast: Season One was a series of barely-intersecting mini-documentaries following four different stories including, most prominently, a group of young friends heavy into the WeHo party scene and Whitney Mixter. Whitney, along with her on-again-off-again girlfriend Sara and her ex Romi, were the series’ only consistent cast members. Aside from that, we got some fresh young Los Angeles faces who all interacted with each other in Season Two (including a butch/femme couple trying to get pregnant) and for Season Three, the show split itself between New York and Los Angeles, while still making a lot of room for crossover. The show definitely had its value, though. A year after its cancellation, the franchise produced the honestly touching and revelatory mini-documentary The Real L Word Mississippi: Hate The Sin.

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Candy Bar Girls, Channel 5 (UK), 2011 (100%)

Watch: on YouTube

This reality program set in The Candy Bar, a former lesbian hotspot in the Soho neighborhood of London, aimed to “follow the lives and loves of a group of young lesbians who work hard and party even harder,” promising “raunchy drama and unique characters.” A salacious promotional campaign generated controversy before the show even hit the air, but the show itself surprised at least one Guardian reviewer: “The show’s trailers were tongue-in-cheek soft porn, but the wink-wink, nudge-nudge vibe isn’t present in the show itself. Instead, we’re treated to a glimpse into the lives of a diverse group of women, whose only common link is their sexuality.” A marketing campaign that aimed to arouse straight men was maybe part of why the show didn’t last past its first season, but who can say! The program’s oft-highlighted draw was its inclusion of former Big Brother contestant Shabby Katchadourian.

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Faking It, MTV, 2014 – 2016 (43%)

Watch: Amazon Prime

Leads: Amy (lesbian) & Karma (unclear)
Secondary Leads: Shane (gay male), Liam (straight male)

The premise was as horrifying as they come but the result was often downright delightful: Amy and Karma, certifiably uncool best friends, pretend to be a lesbian couple to earn popularity points at their decidedly alternative high school in Austin. Then Amy realizes she might actually be a lesbian! Amy will always be near and dear to my heart, and recapping this program was usually a joy. By the series’ end there had been a PLETHORA of missteps but also some substantial steps towards inclusivity, eventually featuring an intersex woman, trans man and bisexual man in addition to the gay man and queer woman in the lead ensemble from the jump. Much like South of Nowhere, however, it seemed like Faking It was never fully invested to going all-in on its queer audience or its straight audience, and trying to please both rather than doubling down on one might be part of why it never found its groove and earned the ratings necessary to stay on the air. Unfortunately, Season Three had finished shooting before the team got word of its cancellation, so we never really got to close the door on Karmy.

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Transparent, Amazon Prime, 2014 – 2019 (60%)

Watch: On Amazon Prime

Leads: Moira Pfefferman (bisexual trans woman), Ali Pfefferman (pansexual genderqueer), Sarah Pfefferman (bisexual), Josh Pfefferman (straight male), Shelly Pfefferman (mostly-straight female)

Transparent follows the very Jewish, very neurotic Los Angeles-based Pfeffermans headed up by Moira, a trans woman coming out and into herself in her sixties and her ex-wife, Shelly. Their daughter Sarah is a bisexual mother-of-two who leaves her husband for her ex-girlfriend before returning to her husband and joining a triad and their child Ali is a sexually fluid millennial who dates their bisexual BFF Syd (Carrie Brownstein) and their lesbian teacher (Cherry Jones) before eventually discovering their genderqueer identity. It’s also one of a handful of shows ever to portray a trans woman dating a cis woman. The show garnered massive critical acclaim and broke ground in so many ways — only to have the ship sunk by Jeffrey Tambour, who controversially was cast as the trans woman lead and eventually booted for sexual harassment. After a year off to pick up the pieces, the show’s final season, in the form of a musical special, will debut this year. Still, it’s the longest-running show on this list and although it lacks a consistent group of lesbian/bisexual friends, it dips in and out of multiple queer social groups and has the unique honor of being a show wherein the most consistent “group” of queer friends are all in the same family.

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One Mississippi, Amazon Prime, 2016 – 2017 (57%)

Watch: On Amazon Prime

Lead: Tig (lesbian)
Secondary Leads: Remy (straight male), Bill (straight male), Stephanie (queer)

Tig Notaro’s little masterpiece was cancelled in what I can only perceive was a personal attack on me and my happiness. But before that dark day we got two small seasons of candor, wit, insight and biting social commentary, packaged alongside a sweet lesbian love story and an exploration of a family reeling from grief and trauma.

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Take My Wife, Seeso/Starz, 2016 – 2018 (80%)

Watch: On Starz via Amazon Prime

Leads: Cameron (lesbian) and River (lesbian)

I didn’t believe Take My Wife was actually a real thing when I first heard about it — what was then perceived as a funny masculine-of-center lesbian couple, with episodes of traditional length, distributed by a legit channel with wide-audience-potential, exuding professional-level production value, filmed on a set that doesn’t look like a display copy of a condo? LOL!!! But wow, Take My Wife existed and was hilarious, full of heart and, especially in Season Two, chock-full of a diverse supporting cast of other queer folks, set in the bustling queer metropolis of Los Angeles. The show lost a Season Two platform after Seeso shuttered, but was mercifully picked up by iTunes and Starz.

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Strangers, Facebook Watch, 2017 – (67%)

Watch: On Facebook Watch

Leads: Isobel (bisexual) and Cam (lesbian)

Heather Hogan boldly declared that Strangers was one of the best queer shows of 2017 when its first season debuted on Facebook’s new streaming network, and Vice declared “the best queer comedy on TV right now is on Facebook.” Heather found its second season to be EVEN BETTER than the first. “The second season premiere of Strangers debuted earlier this week and it’s already as gay as it was before,” Heather wrote. “Maybe gayer! 26 minutes, two queer BFFs, four women making out (in pairs), and a serious discussion about the fact that, look, everyone is gay now.”

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Vida, Starz, 2018 – 2020 (67%)

Watch: On Starz or Amazon Prime

Leads: Emma (queer) & Lyn (straight)
Secondary Leads: Eddy (lesbian), Mari (straight), Cruz (lesbian), Johnny (straight man)

Vida is the only show on this list with a straight storyline given as much screentime as the queer ones, but I’m including it anyway because it’s one of the gayest shows ever and it gets everything right! Y’all, Vida has it all! A writer’s room dominated by POC and women, a diverse cast, a plethora of queer characters and the incredibly rare feature of showcasing a POC-centric queer social web. We spend a lot of time in a queer bar in Los Angeles’ rapidly gentrifying Boyle Heights neighborhood, surrounded by lesbians and other queer women of all shapes, sizes and gender presentations. Another advantage to staffing your writer’s room with QPOC is that you might end up with a writer who’s also primed to be part of one of the hottest lesbian sex scenes in television history.

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The Bisexual, Channel 4 (UK), 2018

Watch: On Hulu

Lead: Leila (bisexual)
Secondary leads: Gabe (straight male), Deniz (lesbian), Sadie (lesbian)

Like Vida, The Bisexual sets itself apart by featuring a diverse group of lesbian friends in addition to focusing on the queer protagonist’s narrative and, like Vida, The Bisexual feels entirely authentic. “Akhavan has done something truly brilliant here,” wrote Heather Hogan in her review. “She’s created a show for an audience that understands the joke “Bette is a Shane trying to be a Dana” and then centers it on a character who’s meant to make everyone who gets that joke a little uncomfortable.” Will we ever get more of this show, which Akhavan struggled mightily to get on the air at all? I hope so, but if history is any indication… probably not. :-(

I Rewatched “Lip Service” and Now I Feel a Whole Lot Better About the Current State of Lesbian TV

I have a terrible confession to make – I’ve never seen The L Word. Wait, wait, let me explain. I was only fifteen when the show stopped airing, and by the time I was throwing myself into the kind of online communities that might have persuaded me to check out reruns, everyone had moved on to just dunking on The Real L Word anyway. More importantly, though, we had our own sapphic televisual cross to bear over here in the UK: Lip Service.

If you were being polite, you’d call Lip Service the BBC’s answer to The L Word. If you were being accurate, you’d call it the BBC’s knock-off of The L Word. Swapping out glamorous West Hollywood for the slightly less glamorous Glasgow, it followed a group of queer women in their late twenties as they bumbled around cheating on each other with each other. Of course, by the time Lip Service premiered in 2010, The L Word‘s heyday was long over and it had been off the air for a year, making the BBC’s timing questionable at best. However, the question of why it was commissioned in the first place pales into insignificance when you come to asking why the BBC chose to air a show about lesbians turning thirty on its youth-oriented channel, BBC Three. If you wonder why it only lasted for two series, that might have something to do with it.

Of course, there may be a few other reasons. Mainstream (i.e. straight, male) critics hated it, and the reaction from the community was mixed. Its portrayal of the Glasgow queer scene isn’t exactly realistic; everyone’s middle-class as hell, and there’s barely a butch to be seen. Unfortunately, it maintains steadfastly accurate in one aspect where I wouldn’t have minded a detour from reality – the sheer whiteness of a large portion of the Scottish queer community. And let’s have a show of hands: who just fast-forwarded through every episode to get to the sex scenes?

Surprisingly for anyone who was a teen when Lip Service aired, there was actually an entire TV show between those sex scenes. Let’s take a walk down memory lane together, shall we?

Lip Service is set in the strange and distant world of, like, five years ago, where everyone apparently talked about Facebook all the time and hair could look like this:

For a show that lasted for a grand total of 12 episodes, it’s surprisingly hard to pin down. The closest thing it has to a focal character is killed off early in the second series, in a plot twist best described as “awful bullshit.” Characters just kind of wander in and out the show, generally taking plot points with them. More often than not, said plot points involve two characters fucking. Ruta Gedmintas – who played edgy late-twenties bisexual and unfortunate owner of the haircut above, Frankie Alan – probably summed up the show’s philosophy best when she told an interviewer “[W]e’re not trying to do anything that hasn’t been done before. We’re just making a relationship drama.” And drama it certainly was, with love triangles, firings and mysterious family histories aplenty.

Unlike The L Word, Lip Service was never particularly interested in “issues,” unless that issue was your girlfriend cheating on you with her ex. The closest it came to a Very Special Episode was a brief, aborted flirtation with a storyline on homophobic discrimination in the workplace and men frequently being The Worst. No, what Lip Service was interested in showing you was sex, and lots of it – sex involving razors, sex involving funeral homes, sex involving condiments. Honestly, it was a trip. Maybe one of the bad trips that make you feel like your face is falling off, but a trip nonetheless.

Speaking of trips, drugs are second only to sex in Lip Service‘s passions, and everyone on the show is almost constantly off their tits on something. There were grumblings when the show aired that this played into harmful stereotypes about LGBTQ women, but having spent a fair few winters in Scotland, I can assure you it’s probably just so they can keep warm long enough to stay naked for all that sex.

Sometimes, the show’s many, many characters could be charming, particularly when they were flirting with each other. A lot of the time, however, they were kind of terrible: the main cast, their never-ending rotating cast of lovers and exes, the token dudes (especially the token dudes). The problem with a relationship drama like Lip Service is that, unless you want the main conflict of every episode to be whose turn it is to do the washing up, everyone has to be a pretty shitty person.

Honestly, when I sat down to re-watch Lip Service in preparation for writing this, I was intending to do a proper series recap. I took notes! I remembered the show as a soapy lesbian melodrama with some decent sex scenes. But halfway through series one, I realised you could sum up almost everything that happens in the series in one sentence: shitty people making each other feel shitty. Now, I’ll admit, that’s also a sentence that could sum up basically every hit television drama this decade and half the comedies as well. But I’m sick of shows that promise representation of queer lives, only to deliver endless misery and death (I’m looking at you, Orange is the New Black).

Honestly, it all makes for pretty depressing viewing. Even Rubies, the lesbian bar that the cast frequents, is kind of depressing (which, let’s be honest, is the main way you can tell Lip Service was created by a Real Life Lesbian). In reality, the only lesbian bar in actual Glasgow shut down years ago and was depressing in its own special way in that it featured a jelly wrestling pit. In order to discuss who’s fucking who, the cast of Lip Service would now have to travel for over an hour to Edinburgh’s sole lesbian bar which, funnily enough, is named after the bar in The L Word. It features no jelly wrestling pits, just a lot of pool tables and women in North Face jackets.

Come to think of it, the story of queer women on TV since the days of Lip Service and The L Word is a lot like that of lesbian bars over the last decade. Just as physical spaces catering specifically to lesbians are disappearing, you don’t really see mainstream(-ish) shows that explicitly revolve around girl-on-girl relationships anymore. But is that necessarily a bad thing? Not all queer women feel at home in the traditional lesbian scene, and barely any of us felt represented in shows like Lip Service. And yet we watched devotedly anyway, because it was more or less all we could get.

A study conducted on BBC programming the year Lip Service first aired found that queer women were featured for one minute out of every 20 hours of programming, and that same year’s GLAAD report records a total of nine queer women among series regular characters on American television. 2016’s GLAAD report, meanwhile, found 42 queer women on streaming services alone. Just as (for better or worse) our community is no longer confined to lesbian bars, queer women on television are no longer confined to shows about queer women – we can see them in all kinds of stories. Of course, they’re probably still going to be cis and white and still get killed off in the end. But thank goodness for the internet, where we can tell our own stories that reflect the real diversity of the LGBTQ community and where nobody dies.

They don’t make shows like Lip Service anymore. When I sat down to rewatch it, I thought that was a sad thing. Now I’m not so sure. Just before its second series began, AfterEllen published an interview with the show’s creator, Harriet Braun. When the interviewer asked her about criticism over the cast being too white and femme, Braun’s response was that “I think the answer isn’t to put the pressure to represent everyone on one show, but to get more lesbian characters on TV in general.” Well, it’s not my job’ is always going to be a bullshit answer when a showrunner is called on a lack of diversity, but maybe she has something approaching a point. We should celebrate the fact that we don’t have to rely on shows like Lip Service for representation anymore; we can see LGBTQ characters everywhere from Cartoon Network to HBO. Sure, it’s not perfect – but it’s a lot better than how it used to be.

35 Behind-The-Scenes Photos Of Lesbian Characters From Your Favorite TV Shows

Let’s check out some of the ladies behind-the-scenes of our favorite lesbian, bisexual, queer and otherwise-identified teevee characters.

1. Orange Is The New Black (Netflix, 2013-)

Taryn Manning (Pennsatucky), Laura Prepon (Alex) and Taylor Schilling (Piper)

 

2. Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family, 2009 -)

Shay Mitchell (Emily) & Lindsey Shaw (Paige)

 

3. Skins (e4, 2007-2012)

Lily Loveless (Naomi) and Kathryn Prescott (Emily)

 

4. Lip Service (BBC Three, 2010-2012)

Laura Fraser (Cat), Heather Peace (Sam), Fiona Button (Tess) and Ruta Gedmintas (Frankie)

 

5. Grey’s Anatomy (ABC, 2005-)

Sara Ramirez (Callie) and Jessica Capshaw (Arizona)

 

6. Degrassi: The Next Generation (The N, 2001-)

Annie Clark (Fiona) and Cristine Prosperi (Imogen)

 

7. The Fosters (ABC Family, 2013-)

Sherri Saum (Lena), Teri Polo (Stef) and Cierra Ramirez (Mariana)

 

8. The L Word (Showtime, 2004-2009)

Janina Gavankar (Papi), Leisha Hailey (Alice), Kate Moennig (Shane), Rachel Shelly (Helena), Pam Grier (Kit), Laurel Holloman (Tina) and Mia Kirshner (Jenny)

 

9. Glee (Fox, 2009 – )

Heather Morris (Brittany) and Naya Rivera (Santana)

 

10. True Blood (HBO, 2008-)

Kristin Bauer Van Straten (Pam)

 

11. Coronation Street (ITV, 1960-)

Brooke Vincent (Sophie) and Sacha Parkinson (Sian)

 

12. Lost Girl (Showcase Canada, 2010-) 

Ksenia Solo (Kenzi) and Anna Silk (Bo) (We couldn’t find an on-set photo of Bo & Lauren, sorry!)

 

13. Skins (e4, 2007-2012)

Megan Prescott (Katie), Lily Loveless (Naomi), Kathryn Prescott (Emily) and Kaya Scodelario (Effy)

 

14. Bomb Girls (GlobalTV, 2012-2013)

Jodi Balflour (Gladys), Ali Liebert (Betty), Rosie O’Donnell and Meg Tilly (Lorna)

 

15. South of Nowhere (The N, 2005-2008)

Gabrielle Christian (Spencer), Mandy Musgrave (Ashley), Eileen Boylan (Kyla) and Valeriy Oritz (Madison)

 

16. American Horror Story (FX, 2011-)

Sarah Paulson (Lana) and Lizzie Brochere (Grace)

 

17. Orange is the New Black (Netflix, 2013-)

Uzo Aduba (Suzanne), Samira Wiley (Poussey), writer Jenji Kohan and Danielle Brooks (Taystee)

 

18. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997-2003)

Alyson Hannigan (Willow), writer Joss Whedon, Amber Benson (Tara)

 

19. The O.C. (Fox, 2003-2007)

Olivia Wilde (Alex) with Mischa Barton (Marissa)

 

20. Lip Service (BBC Three, 2010-2012)

Lorraine Burroughs (Fin) and Ruta Gedmintas (Frankie)

21. The L Word (Showtime, 2004-2009)

Leisha Hailey (Alice), Kate Moennig (Shane), Rose Rollins (Tasha) and Mia Kirshner (Jenny)

 

22. Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family, 2009 -)

Shay Mitchell (Emily) & Lindsey Shaw (Paige)

 

23. True Blood (HBO, 2008-)

Rutina Wesley (Tara Thornton)

 

24. Degrassi: The Next Generation (The N, 2001-)

Lauren Collins (Paige Michalchuck) and Deanna Casaluce (Alex)

 

25. The Good Wife (2009-)

Alan Cumming (Eli Gold) with Archie Panjabi (Kalinda)

 

26. Glee (Fox, 2009 – )

Naya Rivera (Santana) and Demi Lovato

 

27. Lip Service (BBC Three, 2010-2012)

Heather Peace (Sam) and Anna Skellern (Lexy)

 

28. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997-2003)

Alyson Hannigan (Willow) with her stunt doubles

 

29. The L Word (Showtime, 2004-2009)

Jennifer Beals (Bette) and Laurel Holloman (Tina)

 

30. Orange is the New Black (Netflix, 2013-)

 

31. The Fosters (ABC Family, 2013-)

Sherri Saum (Lena)

 

32. Lost Girl (Showcase Canada, 2010-) 

Anna Silk (Bo) and Rachel Skarsten (Tasmin)

 

33. Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family, 2009 -)

Shay Mitchell (Emily) & Ashley Benson (Hannah)

 

34. Grey’s Anatomy (ABC, 2005-)

Sara Ramirez (Callie) and Jessica Capshaw (Arizona)

 

35. Ellen (ABC, 1994-1998)

The cast of “The Puppy Episode,” including Laura Dern and Ellen DeGeneres, checking out the final product.

Post-Lip Service Ennui: BBC Looks To Improve LGB Representation

feature image via Diva Mag

Thanks to the BBC’s axing of lesbian drama series Lip Service in mid-January, we are left looking forward to two new BBC Three dramas, Being Human and In The Flesh; shows about an interspecies, supernatural flatshare and the rehabilitation of treated zombies have replaced everyone’s favourite emotionally unstable Glaswegian ladies. As Diva magazine pointed out last month, monsters don’t pay license fees or sign petitions making this a particularly frustrating prioritisation of the apparently sexier but heterosexual undead.

Whereas our only way to stop Lesbian Vampire Killers is not to watch them or write angry reviews on Amazon, the BBC has a bit more responsibility when it comes to LGBT drama; it is publicly held accountable for its programming, both by the reports it commissions and by external campaigning bodies like Stonewall. Since everyone who has a TV in the UK pays to fund the BBC –  whether they watch its programmes or not – it has a recognised obligation to lead the way in reflecting the country’s makeup fairly. People also have a strong investment in — and campaign for the improvement of — its representations of disabled people and ethnic minorities.

In November, the BBC commissioned an update of their 2010 report on LGB representation that calls for real change, consulting nine experts and campaigning bodies. With no petticoat-rustling lesbian historical dramas like Tipping the Velvet or Fingersmith up the BBC’s sleeves this year – let alone a sex-accented new series – this report is a refreshing recognition of how the BBC could do better. Disappointingly, the BBC have followed Stonewall, who reported on LGB representation in 2006’s Tuned Out, in excluding Trans* people from the report. Though Stonewall has a pretty controversial record on Trans* issues, the BBC has failed to explain why the report is LGB, not LGBT. Encouragingly, they’ve started an open competition for writers and actors for a TV pilot with transgender themes, suggesting that at least they see a hole in their coverage, even if they’ve shied away from discussing it publicly.

While depictions of Trans* people are mostly limited to Channel 4’s reality series My Transsexual Summer, out lesbian and bisexual women present huge swathes of British TV at the moment, as the report acknowledges. Claire Balding was all over the Olympics coverage this summer, her civil partner Alice Arnold presented the BBC Radio 4 News for twenty years, Sandi Toksvig and Susan Calman joke about being ‘the lesbian team’ on QI, a comedy quiz show. Sue Perkins is ubiquitous for munching supersize and historical snacks and for taking part in panel show, and Mary Portas is on a one-woman, spike-heeled crusade to take over the British high street and fashion industry and run it properly. Although all these women have spoken openly about their personal lives and partners and a few even have masculine-of-centre presentations, they are all white middle-aged women and apart from the always-outspoken Sandi Toksvig, most of them probably don’t read as lesbian or bisexual to casual viewers.

Where the BBC falls down is in integrating lesbian and bisexual characters and topics into drama, factual programs and especially young people’s programming. Skins (over on semi-commercial Channel 4) and Lip Service deserved their popularity, managing to be fun, sensitive and sexy without being completely unrealistic (although Frankie’s systematic de-queerification/surprise personality transplant lost this Skins fan along the way). But since they’ve left, nothing new has come along to fill the gap. Budget cuts to BBC drama provision last year aren’t exactly encouraging for the future. The report on BBC LGB coverage is measured, but fairly damning, saying that lesbians are “relatively invisible compared to the level of coverage of gay men” and that “Gay and bisexual men seem relatively happy with the TV they consume…lesbian and bisexual women perhaps less so.” Perhaps most telling, one of the study’s key findings was that “representation is still so unusual that it stands out when it is included.” None of this is news to anyone watching BBC programmes, especially their drama and factual programming. Two years after the first independent report, the main improvement is in the public appetite for, rather than the provision of, LGB characters (which, it’s notable, only 15% of the BBC’s independently-run audience reaction panel Pulse are uncomfortable with, down from 19%). Excitingly, the BBC has been asked to be “more creative and bolder…taking care to steer clear of stereotypes.” Yet after the complaints about Lip Service’s brave forays into topless sex scenes before the first episode’s opening credits, and its second series ratings drop, it might be a case of once bitten, twice shy.

Another of the BBC’s findings – that there should be more LGB representation in children’s television – is worth exploring. Doctor Who, although not really a children’s programme, is well-known for having LGB characters fitting naturally into storylines thanks largely to Russell T. Davies, who also wrote the gay drama series Queer As Folk. Steven Moffat, who’s drawn some controversy with his representations of LGBT characters in Sherlock, especially Irene Adler, is continuing that tradition. Sexy Silurian lizard lady Madame Vestra and her partner Jenny were on at tea time on Christmas Day and judging by the handful of complaints received, shocked approximately no one. Extra encouraging, though, was a well-thought-out lesbian storyline last Friday on The Dumping Ground, an after-school children’s drama about kids in care.

The storyline may focus on a same-sex couple wanting to foster a character, but their relationship is really just a backdrop to action. They’re shown as warm and loving to each other, but the issue is whether Gus, who has Asperger’s Syndrome, can trust them, and handle the change of moving. The other childrens’ reactions are realistic but not nasty; one says that “they’re not proper parents,” and another asks, “people are already down on us because we’re in care – what will they say when they realise we’re living with lesbians?” One boy goes out of his way to criticise the couple, falling out with his sister for trying to put Gus off leaving, but is later shown to be feeling rejected after being abandoned by his parents. The childrens’ argument adds up to the idea that it is better to have a family than not, and since none of them have experienced a normal family, they can’t know whether you need a father or not – a mature conclusion that doesn’t heavy handedly say same-sex parents are better or worse, but admits that no one really knows for sure.

And that’s precisely why people shouldn’t worry about LGBT characters in children’s TV. Children will accept them and move on because they are adults, and adults are fundamentally a bit boring compared to aliens or pirates or magic sea sponges. The BBC may have axed Lip Service, and have run out of Sarah Waters books to dramatize (bar the lesbian-free Little Stranger), but they do seem to be making a commitment to representing LGB people and admitting that they could do better. Under budget pressures, specifically LGB-themed dramas look like they’ll get cut and fragmented into characters and episodes scattered across mainstream drama, reaching more people, even if they’ll touch fewer.

Top 10 Queer Female Television Characters of 2012

Well, 2012 was no 2011, but it was still a pretty good year to be queer on scripted television. Look at all the ladies!

2012 saw the return of perpetual homosexy favorites such as Callie Torres & Arizona Robbins on Grey’s Anatomy, Emily Fields on Pretty Little Liars and Pam De Beaufort & Tara Thornton on True Blood.  Some of last year’s best queer characters, such as Franky Fitzgerald from Skins, got de-queered this year, and others, like Frankie Alan from Lip Service, ran away to New York City. But while Pam was looking for Eric and Callie was apparently really busy off-screen, lots of other queer ladies took center stage in 2012: we saw lots of new faces or new prominence for old faces. So, without any further ado, our expert opinion on the Top Ten Queer Ladies of Television 2012.

Top Ten Best Fictional Lesbian, Bisexual and Otherwise-Inclined Television Characters of 2012

10. Anne Juergens (Molly Ringwald), Secret Life Of the American Teenager

Because “coming out” isn’t just for young people, this year we saw a well-handled lesbian storyline in the most unlikely of places: ABC Family’s cloying moralistic prime-timesuck The Secret Life of the American Teenager. Bonus: professional player-of-lesbians Anne Ramsay, the mother of Anne’s daughter’s boyfriend, helps Molly Ringwald‘s character through her late-in-life revelation.

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9. Kalinda Sharma (Archie Panjabi), The Good Wife

During season three, we saw a lot more of Kalinda kicking ass, taking names, and banging a chick or five in her spare time. I might not watch The Good Wife just to see her in action, but every scene she’s in is just a little sexier and smarter than the others. Season four brought the unfortunate return of her dreary husband, meaning we were subjected to a whole lot of violence and semi-consensual sex. The only good that ever came of that plot line was the ice cream scene. But it’s Christmas, you know, and I come bearing good tidings of great joy. Thanks to an all-around dislike for her husband, he’ll be gone ASAP, leaving Kalinda to do her thing the way she does it best – solo. (-by Laura)

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8. Lauren Lewis (Zoie Palmer), Lost Girl

After discovering that Lauren Lewis, aka Dr Hot Pants, had a secret comatose girlfriend, Bo kicked off 2012 by dating someone who was not Lauren. It was not ideal, in fact it caused me to boycott the show for a while because I don’t support Bo and/or Lauren having intimiate relations with people who are not each other. Doccubus4lyfe, amirite. Their smokin’ hot tension picked right back up after Bo killed Lauren’s girlfriend, an event that probably would’ve been a deal-breaker for other fictional queers who are not so clearly meant to be together forever. If Bo and Lauren don’t become an official couple in 2013 then I might just die or at least go back to not watching this show for a while. (-by Crystal)

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7. Imogen Moreno, Degrassi: The Next Generation

Tied with Sophia Swanson for the “Number One Critter” award, Imogen’s discovery of her feelings for another lady and subsequent “coming out” to friends and family were perhaps the biggest non-events in the history of the queer girl television. I’ve never really fallen for Fiona Coyne, Degrassi‘s resident lez and Imogen’s now-girlfriend, but Imogen — Imogen is awesome. Well, she’s awesome now. She was significantly less awesome prior to the queer storyline — all the shit she did in attempt to snag Eli ranged from sketchy to “totally fucked up.” But that seems to be in the past and here she is now with all her passionate feelings about theater set design and her total dorkiness and cute girlfriendness and difficult family situation handled with relative grace! Adorbs.

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6. Sam Murray (Heather Peace), Tess Roberts (Fiona Button) & Lexy Price (Anna Skellern), Lip Service

Within Lip Service‘s first three episodes, Frankie fled for New York City and Cat got hit by a car and died! Although I missed Frankie dearly because Hotness, the show sans Frankie/Cat was pretty damn good, owing mostly to the star turns by previously sidelined Tess and Sam and the new sexy Australian doctor, Lexy. Out lesbian actress and musician Heather Peace worked overtime this season as Sam was thrust into emotional turmoil over Cat’s death, our recapper fell head-over-heels for Tess and Lexy injected some sorely needed common sense and doctor-hotness into the high-drama of a social group rapidly fraying at the seams. Also: sex. We’re crossing our fingers for another season — ideally a little sooner than last time.

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5. Lana Winters (Sarah Paulson), American Horror Story

American Horror Story, the weirdest creepiest most fucked-up show on television, thrust a lesbian into center stage for its second Asylum season — and cast a lesbian (Sarah Paulson) to play her and another lesbian (Clea Duvall) to play her partner, Wendy. Set in 1964, Lana Winters is an ambitious low-ranking journalist who visits the Asylum to write about the serial killer Bloodyface, but when she gets there realizes that the bigger story is the asylum’s appalling conditions and rampant abuse and corruption. But before she can make much headway on her story, she’s committed to the asylum herself to “cure” her homosexuality. Things get more f*cked up from that point forward.

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4. Sophia Swanson (Michelle Ang), Underemployed

Unfortunately for the entire world, Sophia Swanson is a kickass character stuck on a lousy show with a bunch of self-interested assholes and it’ll probably get cancelled. But fortunately, Sophia Swanson is an unexpected ray of light on an otherwise-heteronormative world — and, at least for the first few episodes, she’s positioned as the story’s narrator. Plot devices bungled by other lesbian storylines were delightfully subverted in Underemployed and for the first few episodes, she’s been granted ample screen time to grapple with her newfound sexuality, coming out to her friends and parents, and dating a woman for the first time. As the season plows forward, however, Sophia’s romantic life seems to be taking a backseat. Still though: I want to eat her face.

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3. Paige McCullers (Lindsey Shaw), Pretty Little Liars

Paige went away for a little while. And when Paige came back, Paige was mega-hot, seemingly relatively emotionally stable and self-aware, and dapper as fuck. We were lead to doubt her a few times this year, but she came out clean every time — and hats off to Lindsey Shaw for creating some genuine lesbian sexual tension with Emily Fields! We even got some Paige Backstory, which hopefully means she’s not gonna get killed in January.

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2. Betty McRae (Ali Liebert), Bomb Girls

Bomb Girls, a Canadian television series that blasted into our lives with unexpected amazingness, tells the story of the women who built bombs for the allied forces in the 1940s. Betty is the toppy-sexy-uber-dyke-lezzer-lezoholic who never met a pantsuit she didn’t like. She’s tough and smart and overall seems like the kind of girl who could fix your cabinet or save you from a shark attack without flinching. Fellow factory worker Kate is also clearly a lesbian, but also clearly in deep denial about it, as the finale suggested. It’s rare that we ever see our history on stage like this — what it was like to be a gay woman back then — and therefore the whole situation is just all-around fantastic.

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1. Santana Lopez (Naya Rivera), Glee

If what we’ve seen so far is any indication, Season Four will slowly sideline Santana Lopez into the recesses of our lesbian memories, so this might be our last chance to honor the one and only Santana Lopez, the best thing to ever happen to Glee, ever. Also: duh.

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ETA: I don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy, so I asked my fellow team members if Calizona should be on the list and they told me that Grey’s sucks this year and the lesbians haven’t gotten enough screentime this season to warrant a spot. But y’all in the comments tell a very different story, like apparently, “Callie Torres had to make a life or death decision that involved the amputation of her wife’s leg! And Arizona, in turn, has had to re-learn life now as a disabled (differently abled) person. And after a long, dramatic, heart wrenching, and beautifully acted 1/2 season they are FINALLY finding their way back to each other.” That sounds pretty list-warranting to me! So, honorable mention:

Callie Torres (Sara Ramirez) & Arizona Robbins (Jessica Capshaw) – Grey’s Anatomy

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As per ushe, if your favorite character isn’t included here and you’ve got feelings about it, we encourage you to comment in all-caps using as much punctuation and self-righteous indignation as possible!

Heather Peace Gets Honest: The Autostraddle Interview

Heather Peace is one talented, and busy, lady. Most of you would be familiar with her role as steadfast detective, Sam Murray in the BBC lesbian drama Lip Service, or maybe even as Nicki Boston, the Head of English in the popular BBC One school drama series, Waterloo Rd. Just recently, Heather was voted the 20th hottest queer lady in all the land in the Autostraddle Hot 100, while DS Murray was voted the 9th most bad-ass fictional female crime-fighter, a list that was perhaps not as popular as the Hot 100 but important nonetheless.

Acting and hotness aside, Heather Peace is also a talented and accomplished musician. Her debut album, Fairytales, was released independently in May and has been burning up the UK charts. Produced by Oscar-nominated producer Nigel Wright (Madonna, Streisand, others), the album features twelve theatrical pop songs with delicate melodies, soaring vocals, and lyrics that offer an honest glimpse of Heather’s life, loves and associated lessons.

Heather is not an actor who suddenly decided to have a crack at music. A classically trained pianist who’s been songwriting since the age of fourteen, Heather paid her dues like most other musicians, starting out performing for friends at her local pub and undertaking a jazz residency at a bar in Manchester. Perhaps this is why she seems so genuinely appreciative of the reception her music receives, and of the fans and collaborators who have helped her get this far. (When discussing her music, Heather constantly refers to “we” – her band, her producer, her team. There’s no ‘I’ in Heather Peace.)

I spoke to Heather on one of her few days off, between finishing her sold-out tour and shipping off to Glasgow to film another season of Waterloo Rd. With no one around to enforce a time limit, plenty of ground was covered – from Fairytales and the darker side of relationships, to how it felt to accompany Sam on her spiral towards rock bottom during Lip Service Season Two.

[If you haven’t yet seen Lip Service Season Two, the second page of this interview contains spoilers]

So you just wrapped up a sold-out tour in the UK. How was it?

It was absolutely fantastic! It was a dream come true, honestly, which I know sounds corny but it just hit every expectation and more. On the final night I managed to persuade Alison Moyet to get up on stage and sing with me! She’s a big childhood hero of mine — her and other British female artists like Annie Lennox and Kate Bush — so I was absolutely beside myself when that happened.

Wow. Was this something that was planned, or did Alison just jump up on stage?

Well, we had gotten to know each other a bit on Twitter; she’s quite shy and so I suggested, “you might like to come along to the London gig”. Once she said yes, I very cheekily followed with, “and maybe you’d like to get up on stage during my encore and sing one of your covers?”  We didn’t announce it ahead of time because I wanted her to feel comfortable enough that she could drop out at any time, which she didn’t.

We performed “Whispering Your Name” and the audience just went absolutely mental. I just couldn’t believe it. She is such a big hero of mine, I couldn’t believe it was happening.

I watched some fan videos of the tour and was super impressed at how many fans were able to sing along with the lyrics so soon after the album was released…

It’s kind of mad, isn’t it? I guess that’s what’s been crazy about it. You know, I’m in my thirties. I’ve written music all my life and I have gigged all my life, and suddenly this is all happening now. I can’t even get my head around it. Everyone was singing along and the whole time I was thinking, ‘wow, this is so awesome!’

Early last year you said that your shows tend to attract older lesbians who don’t want to go to nightclubs. Now that both Fairytales has been released and your profile has risen further, has your audience become more diverse?

It hasn’t completely changed, but the age range is definitely a lot wider now. You can’t come to my shows unless you’re sixteen or older because we’ve been playing at 400 – 450 capacity venues that have bars inside. But we definitely had sixteen-year-olds, right through to sixty and seventy-year-olds. A few straight guys were in there as well.

I’m on a television show over here called Waterloo Rd — it’s a more mainstream show that a lot of youngsters are into — and I think I’ve picked up a diverse audience through that. So there have been a few changes. We also play at more seated venues now because many people who come to my gigs are not regular gig-goers, so having a mosh pit where people stand and get knocked around isn’t really for them. [laughs]

You seem to be incredibly accessible to your fans, the way you talk to them on Twitter, chat to them after shows, and so on. Why is having that close connection important to you?

They’re the reason that I’ve been able to do what I’m doing. There’s been no record company involved, or anything like that. I’ve always had this thought as a musician and an actor as well, that fans are really the people that essentially employ you. If nobody watches or listens to you then you don’t have a job! Sometimes I think musicians and actors can get a little ahead of themselves, in that respect.

You’ve been involved with a major record company in the past. Did that experience influence your decision to release Fairytales independently?

I was signed [to BMG] briefly, in my early twenties. I think because I’m a television actress, and because of my age and a few other factors, that those things would have worked against me if I had gone after a recording contract this time.

To be honest, Fairytales happened quite organically. I was playing small shows that were selling out, so then we decided to do a major tour and pump those earnings into creating the record. It was through my experience at BMG that I knew (producer) Nigel Wright. I couldn’t afford to pay him and so he did it for nothing, we just paid for his studio and his engineers. Without BMG I wouldn’t have met Nigel, and without Nigel, Fairytales wouldn’t have the sound that it has. So nothing was really planned, everything just kind of fell into place.

Fairytales seems like an interesting choice for the album title, given that not many of the songs are about happy endings. What is the significance of that title?

Personally I’ve always liked title tracks that are placed at the beginning or the end of an album. Because the song “Fairytales” is so stripped back, it felt like a full stop. Lyrically that song seems to summarise everything that is on the album, which is to say that what fairytales taught us about love is not necessarily true – it’s actually hard work, but we’ll never stop believing in our make-believe and trying to make love work. It was also the last song I wrote for this album.

The original title was “Sabotage” [another track from the album] and if the album had been released last year then I would have gone with that. But my life has moved on, things have changed and I wasn’t in that place where I had written “Sabotage” anymore. I understand myself a little more now, and “Fairytales” is about how I gained that understanding of my situation.

Every track on the album seems to come from an incredibly personal place. Some in particular, such as “Sabotage” and “Make Me Feel,” are about the darker side of past relationships and also of yourself. Was it challenging to put those experiences and feelings out there?

It was really nerve-wracking. But you know, I’m not twenty-three, I’m not singing about hearts and flowers. I think it’s one of those things where you hit your thirties and you really look at yourself. You look at the way you’ve been in relationships, or the way you’ve gotten drunk to forget things, and you know, I can’t do anything other than be honest with lyrics. If you’re not honest with lyrics then things can become really quite bland.

It’s nerve-wracking to think that people are now going to look at me in this way, but at the same time I think some of those things will have resonated with them. Essentially these tracks are saying, ‘I know this about myself and I’m trying to sort it out’.

Now that you’re in a good place, and in a loving relationship —  will that be reflected in future material?

I’ve already started writing new material and there are still some experiences from the past that I can call on. Also I think when you get older it becomes easier to look outside of yourself. There’s a track that I’m writing at the moment which is about — weirdly, now that I’m in a good place — friends of mine who have recently broken up with people who they’ve been with for fifteen years. So I’ve observed experiences that will resonate with people, experiences that I can draw from.

So I’m not really worried. I’ve already got my thinking cap on and it’s going to be fine. I don’t think I’m going to start writing songs that go, [starts singing] “I’m really happpyyyy”.

Next, Heather talks about her past and future in acting and music, and also Lip Service!

Lip Service Episode 206 Recap: A Final-Feeling Finale

Hey, there’s that theme song again. I’m not sure I’ll miss it. But I’ll miss the mood it puts me in: the feeling that something pretty fascinating is right around the corner. Don’t go, Lip Service!

This time the fascinating thing is Sam, washing her face and wetting her hair and staring into the mirror as if she doesn’t quite recognize herself.

My girlfriend yells, “Pull yourself together!” — and that will turn out to be the first of many such utterances. I second that; there is no part of me that prefers off-the-rails Sam to on-the-ball Sam. But I don’t have a lot of hope for her speedy reassembly, partly because while I was writing this paragraph, I paused the playback in a spot that made this scene look like something out of Black Swan.

Also, for a minute there I thought this was the mirror against which Sam banged that hapless victim last week, but it’s not. So maybe there’s some hope after all.

At the TriSexA flat, Sadie and Lexy are having breakfast. There’s coffee and yogurt (sorry, yoghurt) and milk and … well, way more smiles than we’re used to seeing around this particular gateleg table.

Lexy looks very Archie comics in that screenshot. She’s the female Reggie!

Tess emerges from her room, in a typical Tess-y tizzy.

Lexy: Here she is, the actress.
Tess: Don’t. I think I’m going to be sick. How could it be opening night already?

Oh, I know this one: it’s because there are only six episodes in the season and everything’s at warp speed and you go faster and faster until all the faces stretch in that weird plasticky creepy way and you slip through a wormhole into a different universe.

Tess: Last night, I actually had the dream. I was on stage naked —
Sadie: Cheeky Chekhov.
Tess: — and I just … I froze. 450 people staring at my lady garden, waiting for the show to start.

Lexy chuckles and tells Tess she’ll be “fine.” I don’t know, Lexy: I like your steady, laid-back aura, but I think you could have done better than “fine.”

Ed shows up with a good-luck card for Tess. Lexy has a gift for Tess too: a “first-night survival kit.” Tess is very, very pleased with this. Too pleased. Lexy tells her not to open it until she gets to the theater, and Tess makes another goofy face. Just when you think you’ve seen every one of Tess’s thirty-six expressions, another one pops up.

Tess distributes tickets for the show: one for Ed, one for Sadie, one for Lexy, one for… she pauses as if she’s thinking, “Wait, wasn’t there someone else here once? Maybe even more than one someone?”

Ed asks whether anyone has spoken to Sam (no one has), and asks Lexy whether she’s been running with Sam. After Lexy says no to this question, Tess goes off to take a shower. And then Lexy seems to go into a sort of fugue.

Ed: Anyone you want to bring? It’s not like I’ve got much chance of meeting someone by tonight.
Lexy: (distantly and dreamily) Yeah. Yeah, maybe.
Ed: So there is someone?
Lexy: (still murmuring distantly) Yeah. (suddenly waking up) I mean, no. Er… they won’t want a ticket.

Uh, that was weird. And hey, Lexy, you don’t need to use the gender-neutral “they” with your friends. Much like Bea’s husband, THEY KNOW.

Yeah, I realize the point is that Lexy is considering her options and trying to decide whether to pursue Tess. But who would just mumble that stuff at the breakfast table? Ah, exposition. It’s a tricky beast.

Sadie takes the extra ticket because, as she puts it, she’s “the only one likely to be gettin’ any later.” I don’t know why, but when Sadie says such wonderfully Sadie-rific things, I feel safe and warm and happy. Sadie snark is a hug!

I guess I haven’t said much about the interstitial shots of Glasgow. They’re lovely and they make me want to go to there. The light and water are breathtaking sometimes, and the city streets seem to have just the right amount of bustle.

But we’re actually still pretty much in the same scene, though perhaps half an hour later. Tess is showing Lexy her potential dress for the after-show party.

Tess: I don’t know if I’ve got the legs.
Lexy: Are you kidding? You have great legs!

Tess somehow manages not to squee at this. Lexy tries to take her leave, but Tess stops her to thank her for being such a supportive friend (and also to ask for a little more support).

Tess: God, I hope I don’t make a tit of myself.
Lexy: (fondly) You’re always making a tit of yourself.

And then Lexy leans in to kiss Tess on the cheek, but Tess turns ever so slightly to the side and it becomes a squirmy awkward not-lip not-cheek not-meaningless kiss.

Tess saves the moment with her typical adorkableness:

Tess: OK, uh, OK. (thinking, scrambling for something to say) That’s a… a really nice lip balm you’re wearing. What is it?
Lexy: It’s a medicated Chapstick.
Tess: Right. Sexy!

Aww, Tess. Must you have such extreme puppy-dog eyes as you watch Lexy go out the door? Don’t break your own heart!

Outside, Lexy stops. She stands in the middle of the pavement, not going left, not going right. It feels like a continuation of that earlier fugue — maybe she’s being remote-controlled by someone. It’s The Manchurian Candidate, but without all the playing cards and Communists.

Ed and Tess are killing time. Tess worries about the fact that Lexy “actually knows” Vanya. Does anybody really know Vanya? Even though I’ve read it a few times and seen it a couple of times, I still can’t say I “know” it. That’s how I feel about all Chekhov plays: they’re beautiful, and they move me, but if I try to summarize them, I end up saying vague things about the country vs. the city, the inevitable march of progress, the anguish of unrequited love, the curative power of hard work, and something about forests and farms and orchards. Also, there’s always a doctor, a samovar, and that infamous gun.

Ed tries to reassure Tess:

Tess: What if I’m rubbish?
Ed: I’m sure she won’t tell you if you are.
Tess: Thanks, Ed.

Heh. I’m sure she wouldn’t, though! I speak from experience, because I was in that position last year: we went to a preview of a new off-Broadway show and had to pretend not to hate it because my partner’s former co-worker had a fairly sizable role in it. When he asked whether we liked it, we said sideways things, such as “You were the best part!” — which wasn’t actually a lie. And anyway, he didn’t need us to tell him how abysmal the thing was: it closed after only 7 performances. I’m sure your Sonya won’t be that bad, Tess!

Ed’s not sure why Tess is so worried. And then it dawns on him.

Ed: Ohhhh. You fancy her!
Tess: No, I don’t!
Ed: Yes, you do!
Tess: OK… I just don’t know if she likes me or not. I mean, I think she might, but you know what I’m like. I’m just crap at picking up on these things.
Ed: She did mention someone.
Tess: Really? Who?
Ed: Just someone, but they didn’t need a ticket to the show.
Tess: Oh, great. So it’s someone who’s going to the show.
Ed: Or…

Tess: Or someone who’s IN the show. I am someone who’s in the show! I mean, do you think she meant me?
Ed: (teasing) Or Nora. (sincerely) Why didn’t you tell me that you liked her?
Tess: I just felt weird, carrying on like normal without Cat around.

We all did. Wait, “did”? Are we using past tense already?

Tess decides she can’t wait to open her first-night survival kit from Lexy. It’s “a little something for before and after the show.” The “after” is champagne, and the “before” is Immodium. They giggle. The whole thing is sort of dorky but mostly sweet — just like Ed and Tess themselves.

Sam is on her way to work. And look, now we know which way Lexy decided to go, after her moment of indecision on the pavement: right toward Sam.

Sam: What do you want?
Lexy: Not the warmest welcome I’ve ever had.
Sam: Well, I’m late.
Lexy: Um, I won’t hold you up. Look… I just need you to know that you were wrong.
Sam: (scoffing) There’s nothing new there.
Lexy: I really, um… I really didn’t know about Cat and Frankie.
Sam: You want an apology? Is that why you’re here? (with mock sincerity) I’m very sorry. OK?
Lexy: Might want to work on the whole apology thing. That level of sincerity, it’s a bit overpowering. Look, I get it. You want to deal with this on your own. I understand. I’ll leave you alone. But if you ever need someone, you’ve got my number.

It certainly does seem like Sam has Lexy’s number. If you catch my drift. But I can’t take much more of mean Sam: she’s very cold and almost hateful. I guess that could be fully realistic for a cop — they see so much of the worst of human nature all the time — but it still doesn’t make a whole lot of sense for the Sam we knew before Cat’s death. Even when she was angry, she was honest and careful and tried to make the best of things. Now she’s more like Son of Sam than Sam.

At the hospital, Lexy gets a text. She seems sort of irritated when she hears the beep, but then she smiles when she sees it’s from Tess: “Bring valium! I’m going in!!!!” Lexy texts back: “You don’t need drugs. You’ll nail it.”

Lexy’s smile suggests some real fondness for Tess, and maybe even an awareness that Tess is clearly the better choice in terms of niceness and sweetness and happiness and fun — which may not be the better choice for Lexy at all. And which makes me want to say, “Poop.”

At the police station, Sam is late — I guess she wasn’t kidding about that part. Ryder asks her to present the details of an imminent raid, the culmination of “Operation Beehive.” Surely a raid with that name should be presented by John Waters.

Sam can barely get through the briefing; she’s twitchy and her voice is shaking. At one point she seems to freeze, so Ryder takes over.

Ryder finds Sam afterward and wonders whether she’s all right. She shrugs and insists she’s fine.

Meanwhile, at The Space, Sadie pretends to work while Jo and Lauren argue. It seems Lauren has forgotten about something Jo told her about weeks ago. Sadie, you’re far too delighted by this marital discord.

As Lauren leaves, she squeezes Sadie’s hand and delivers a message.

Lauren: I’ll be there about 3-ish.
Sadie: The eagle has landed?

This phrase can be used in lots of ways; I think Sadie is mocking Lauren’s cloak-and-dagger manner. Let’s think up some fun code phrases based on Lip Service! “The begonias have been delivered”; “The bracelet has been inscribed”; “The daughter has been disowned”; “The ketamine has been snorted”; “The cheese has been pilfered”; “The mortuary greeter has been Frankied”; “The lady-mound has been rubbed.”

Jo is right on Lauren’s heels, and she takes the hand that so recently held Sadie’s. This is a mess, and I’m starting to worry about Sadie’s not-so-hardened heart.

At the theater, the Vanya cast is making final preparations for the big night. Tess is startled to see Nora sitting smugly in the front row, as if she’s Simon Cowell — or, better yet, Zach or Mr. Granziger.

I wonder which theater that is? The candyfloss color scheme is very striking.

Nora goes up to the stage to have a heart-to-heart with Tess: she wants to “clear the air” about Ed. You’d expect her to say something about the “self-centered bitch” comment from last week, but no, she’s not even going to acknowledge that. Instead, Nora explains to Tess that Ed is so caught up in his geekery, he doesn’t understand “real women.” Tess gives her the most hilarious fake sympathy look.

The geekery thing is why Nora “just had to finish it with him.” Yes, Nora is saying that she broke up with Ed, when it was very clearly the other way around. Tess, who is drinking water as Nora says this, almost does a spit take in response to the poppycock. Actually, why didn’t she? More physical comedy from Tess next season! (I am pretending it’s going to happen. Don’t take that away from me just yet.)

Tess goes right to Hugh’s dressing room to tell him about Nora’s delusions, and of course to get some support for her Lexy lust. But Hugh is drowning his own sorrows: his wife wants a divorce. Tess tries to shore him up (and take away his flask), but he’s despondent. Hugh’s storyline hasn’t been much fun. Remember when he was the sadder-but-wiser aging actor, rather than the desperate, drunken cuckold? Sigh.

At the hospital, Lexy tells Declan she went to see Sam.

Lexy: Why do I always do it? Why do I let myself get sucked in?
Declan: ‘Cause you’re too nice.
Lexy: What was I thinking? I was imagining there was some kind of connection between us — when her girlfriend just died.

I’m sure I wasn’t supposed to giggle at that, but Lexy’s sarcasm and self-mockery made me do it.

Declan tells her not to waste any more energy on Sam.

Declan: Go for Tess. She’s funny, she’s hot, and the two of you get on great.
Lexy: Maybe I will. I’m sick of falling into the same old patterns. I find someone who’s a bit damaged, I put them back together, and when they’re all mended…
Declan: They fuck off.
Lexy: How about someone actually wanting me, for a change?

Arrrggh. Now we know it’s not going to happen: it seems that on Lip Service, a character must never choose a happy, healthy partner when a dark, dramatic one is available.

Lip Service Episode 205 Recap: Perfect on Paper

Oh, no. You know you’re in for some drama when this is the first thing you see in the episode:

A photo of Cat and Sam! The bracelet Frankie gave Cat! And Cat’s notebook and her lipstick and her whatever other stuff and … her grieving partner.

Sam furrows her brow and thinks and tries to be her usual stoic self. But then she glances at a photo of The Gang: Jay, Frankie, Cat, Tess, and Ed (and let me just point out that more than half of them are no longer on the show). Surely she’s comparing this photo to the couple photo in the opening shot, and surely that way madness lies.

The phone rings. It’s Lexy, because she is a psychic doctor who knows Sam needs rescuing from her own terrible thoughts. Actually, she’s just waiting for Sam to join her for their usual morning run.

Lexy: (on the phone) Hey, just wondering if you’re still on for our run; I’m just on the bridge. (sighing) Uh… look, about the other night. We can get back from it, can’t we? (pauses) You know what? I’m hanging up. You’re probably already on your way.

Sam doesn’t answer the phone. Which I think is pretty much an answer to that last question.

At the TriSexA flat, Sadie is yawning and scratching like a kitten. Yeah, maybe I have a teeny crush. Actually, it’s not a crush at all: it’s a sincere, profound appreciation for the much-needed comic relief she brings week after week.

Tess is surprised to see Sadie so bright and early in the morning.

Tess: Whoa! I thought you melted in daylight.

We’ve all been making the vampire joke for weeks now, Tess! But it made me chuckle anyway.

But Sadie has a good reason for being so bushy-tailed: Lauren is due back from a business trip.

Tess: Oh. Cue rampant sex-fest.
Sadie: You’ve got the makeup artist.
Tess: Um, I didn’t sleep with her, thankyouverymuch.
Sadie: Oh yeah. How is the old bacterial hydritis?

I heart the funny banter and the fond nostalgia for what may turn out to be the best scene ever on this show. Stand and deliver!

Tess is on her laptop during all this; it seems Lady-Mound Meg is all over her wall (as in Facebook or something similar). I put that parenthetical in there for the two people who have been living under a Luddite rock and yet somehow are still reading this recap.

Tess wants to know when she can meet Sadie’s sugar mama.

Sadie: If you come to see me at work, you’ll get to meet her wife.
Tess: She’s with someone?!
Sadie: Yeah.
Tess: I don’t… I don’t reckon I could be in a love triangle. Be always, like, wondering what was going on in the other corners.
Sadie: Yeah, well, I’m not. Lauren’s really into me, so…

On this show, saying someone’s really into you is the equivalent of being Wile E. Coyote and ordering some TNT from ACME.

There’s a knock. It’s Sam and her pain. I’m not sure they’ll be able to fit through the door.

Sam makes sure Lexy’s not home, then stomps in like Bad Bart stomping into a saloon with his spurs jangling.

Sam gives Sadie a glare and doesn’t respond when Tess offers tea or coffee. She attacks Tess:

Sam: I know about Cat and Frankie. You knew too, didn’t you? That’s why you’ve been avoiding me. How long? (Tess looks at Sadie) Don’t look at her. Look at me. So when did it start?
Tess: Honestly, I don’t know.
Sadie: Don’t reckon it ever really stopped. You know what those two were like.
Sam: Are you all right with that?
Sadie: Didn’t have much of a choice, did I?

Tess insists that she “only found out the day Cat died” and has been feeling very guilty. (I still find it difficult to type “Cat died” and suchlike.)

Sam tells Tess to “grow up” — whuh? — and Sadie does her Sadie-rific thing:

Sadie: What was she supposed to do? Make an announcement at the funeral?
Sam: (to Tess) You should’ve been straight with me.
Sadie: Oh, yeah, ’cause that would’ve made losing Cat a lot easier.
Sam: It would’ve made me feel less of a foolish idiot.

Eeek! Sam is very scary in this scene. I know I didn’t say much about how pushy/assaulty she was with Lexy last week, but that’s because I was in denial. Now it’s pretty hard to deny.

Lexy arrives to save the day. That seems to be kind of her thing; maybe she’s really a Powerpuff Girl? She tells Sam to back off because this has nothing to do with Tess. Sam can’t stop lashing out; she asks Lexy whether she knew too but doesn’t even give her a chance to answer. Sam storms out. Lexy calls after her, but it’s no use.

Lexy, Tess, and Sadie embody a range of reactions to Sam’s knife-edge state of mind. Lexy looks half-scared, half-angry as she plops onto the couch and falls silent. Tess fidgets and shifts on her feet, stunned, and wonders whether Sam is going to be OK. And Sadie, relaxed, one knee tucked under, takes it all in with her droll gimlet eye:

Sadie: Look, I feel sorry for her and everything, but there’s only two people to blame for this mess. And, well, neither of them are here anymore, so…

I’ll forgive you the grammar mistake, because that was simple truth. Preach!

Tess wants to go after Sam, but Lexy urges her to “leave it.” We don’t have this “leave it” expression in America, except with respect to dogs. Pity.

Tess goes off to get dressed instead. Sadie teases Lexy and tells her she’s “even more of a hero now” to Tess. Lexy resists the idea.

Sadie: Oh, come on. She’s like a little puppy around you.
Lexy: No, she’s not.
Sadie: Trust me, one of these mornings, you’ll wake up and she’ll be there, licking your face. Or something a bit further down.

The term “lovable scamp” was probably invented for Sadie.

An indeterminate number of hours later, Lexy and Tess are at a diner (I guess it’s called a cafe in the UK). They try to call Sam, but she’s not answering. Tess wants to leave a message, but Lexy knows Sam needs some space.

Speaking of space and not getting it, Nora and Ed waltz in. Nora wants to know how Tess is feeling, what with the bacterial hyrditis and all.

Tess: Oh, I think um… I think I’ve managed to shake it off.

But you haven’t managed to shake Nora off, have you, Tess? She wants to know when you’re going to see Meg again. Tess says she plans to focus on Chekhov for the time being. I wonder if I can use that as an excuse for other things in life? “Sorry, I can’t come to the baby shower; I’m focusing on Chekhov.”

Nora won’t be deterred.

Nora: If there’s one thing the years in this business we call show has taught me, is that there’s nothing — NOTHING — improves a performance more than great sex.

What is this, the anti-grammar episode? Years have. It’s child’s play. But I give Sinead Keenan props for the way she delivered the line “this business we call show.” Very alternate-universe Megan Hilty again.

Nora gets up to get coffees. Ed, apparently a purveyor of the aforementioned “great sex” (ew), sits down and questions the bacterial hydritis thing. Lexy jokes that it’s great for “getting rid of unwanted houseguests.” Ed’s not amused, so Lexy gets up to pay. Sit down, stand up; this scene is like whack-a-mole.

Tess asks Ed not to mention Meg again.

Tess: It was a blind date gone bad. End of.

End of! Why don’t I use these excellent British phrases more often?

Lexy comes back briefly to talk about an invite from Ed: it’s a book signing at a sci-fi shop, for one of Ed’s agent’s other clients. Tess mocks it at first, but when Lexy express interest in going, Tess has a change of heart. Lexy notices this about-face and looks a bit concerned, but she doesn’t get to think about it for long because Ed is wondering whether Sam might want to go too. No, Ed: do not invite the Hulk. Did you see The Avengers? Hulk always want to SMASH.

Cut to Lexy, on her way to work. Smiling. Strolling. Being followed by a tall, angry-looking ginger-haired man. HE KNOWS!

At The Space, aka Jo Glass’s gallery, aka the workplace of the wife of Sadie’s corner of the love triangle, there’s some new work to price. This is reminding me a little of the gallery stuff in Kissing Jessica Stein. That is a very good movie if you don’t watch the whole thing.

Anyway, Jo is cute.

Sadie pretends be impressed by the new stuff. Jo tells Sadie that it’s Monica McCarthy, which only makes me think of a weird mix of Melissa McCarthy and Monica from Friends.

Sadie asks Jo about the art on the wall at her place. Odd question, but Jo rolls with it. She says they have a few things, but Lauren’s mostly into pop art. Sadie tries to sow some seeds of discontent.

Sadie: Artistic differences?
Jo: Not really.

Sorta like sticking your hand into weepy cheese, eh Sadie?

Jo hands Sadie a price list and leaves her to it. Sadie marvels at the exorbitant prices (£20,000 or more).

I think I’d happily pay £20 for a print of Sadie’s gape-mouthed disbelief, because it’s rare for her to lose her vampire veneer.

At the hospital, Bea greets Lexy. But Lexy just wants to mope about Sam.

Lexy: Remind me next time I fall for someone that there’s no such thing as a perfect woman.
Bea: I have heard those ones you inflate are quite low-maintenance.
Lexy: (laughing) You’re a little puddle of sanity in the ocean of dysfunction that is my life right now.

Aaaand you’ve just doomed yourself to whatever is worse than an ocean of dysfunction. A tsunami, I guess? Hurricane Bea?

They kiss. And then again. They lock the door.

Back at the gallery, Sadie is hanging squares of red and blue and wondering how they can fetch such high prices. Enter Lauren, who also knows how to fetch high prices but is much less square.

Sadie: Are you ignoring me?
Lauren: No more than I would any random receptionist.

Whoa! Meanie.

Sadie reminds Lauren that she was recently unemployed and this “decent job” is no small thing to her. She’s not going to screw it up by telling the boss she’s “fucking her wife.” Lauren says that’s “fucked,” past tense. I’m not sure your grammar skills are strong enough to quell your libido, Lauren.

Jo and Lauren leave; as they’re walking out, Sadie texts Lauren: “I want to touch u.” Lauren gets the text and glares back at Sadie, not very encouragingly. Sadie, when you text an editor, you should spell out “you.”

At the hospital, Lexy is trying to figure out why Sam is ignoring her calls. Declan figures it’s because Lexy “knocked Sam back” the other night. Oh, you mean when Sam was out of her mind with despair and kept pushing herself on Lexy? Is that rejection or self-defense?

Lexy: I don’t want to be a rebound fuck.
Declan: Hey, a fuck’s a fuck’s a fuck.

And a Declan’s an ass’s ass. Gertrude Stein is turning in her grave.

Lexy has other opportunities for fucking anyway:

Lexy: Apparently my flatmate fancies me.
Declan: Oh. Is she hot?
Lexy: I don’t know. Never thought about it. (thinks) Yeah, I guess she is.

She said that the way someone says “Yeah, I guess I should get the oil changed on my car.”

Lexy sighs and says she really liked Sam, but Declan thinks she really just wanted to save Sam. Maybe. But I don’t ever like to give him credit for any sort of insight. It’s always more like in-sheit.

Back at the gallery, Lauren is still not answering Sadie’s texts. And Sadie is bored; she’s spinning and rolling in her chair. A bored Sadie is a very dangerous thing!

Yep, that didn’t take long: She suddenly knocks over her coffee, right onto one of those pricey paintings. A white one. All white. A field of pristine, clean white, now sullied by java. She tries to wipe off the coffee, which of course makes an even bigger mess. Sadie! Yet another sticky wicket.

Back at the hospital, the frowny-faced ginger guy is still following Lexy. This should be frightening, but it’s not. Tip for would-be menaces: don’t wear a checked shirt. This guy’s look is more Home Depot than homicidal.

Tess is getting a costume fitting. She’s excited to get to wear a costume that “isn’t made of foam rubber and doesn’t have eyeholes.” Awww, remember that whole thing, with Ed and Tess dressed as fizzy drinks and Tess flirting with Lou? Seems like a different show. Probably because it was.

Hugh and Tess talk about Lexy. Tess wishes Lexy hadn’t met Meg, because she might think that’s the “type of women” Tess goes for. What type is that again? Is there a Princess Ladymound section of the personals?

Nora brings Tess some lunch, on the house. Tess and Hugh are mystified by this friendly gesture. But they don’t talk about it for long because Hugh is also mesmerized by the costumer’s “spectacular jugs.” Hugh is one of those sad-sack guys you can’t help but root for, even though he just wouldn’t be Hugh if he were to suddenly have a free and easy life.

Lip Service Episode 204 Recap: Royal Lady Mounds

Ed and Tess are having breakfast. Lexy is stretching. Go ahead, take a minute to form a mental picture of that last part. Or just look at this:

That image will certainly be burned on Tess’s brain for a while to come: she’s staring so hard, she might sprain something. But Ed is ruining the moment for all of us by going on about how nice it is to fall asleep in Nora’s arms. Really? Her?

Ed says Nora is helping him realize that life is still worth living. I suppose she deserves some credit for that. But Tess isn’t about to encourage this little love connection.

Ed: You’ve got Nora all wrong. She’s great. She really likes you.
Tess: What’s she like with the people she hates?
Ed: It was her idea that I bring you breakfast today.
Tess: Why?
Ed: Because she feels really bad that I’m taking her to this film awards thing tonight instead of you.
Tess: Whaaaaat!

It seems Ed actually invited Tess to the film awards thing months ago. Well, that’s pretty shabby. Also, Ed, Nora is going to dump you the minute you don’t cast her in the film of your book. Not that you’ll have any control over the casting anyway — didn’t you see Mulholland Drive? Hmm. That started with a car crash too. I hope Coco the crazy landlady shows up later.

In another idyllic setting that is apparently the sort of thing Glaswegians see every day, Sam and Lexy are racing up a hill.

They take a break to catch their breath and each other’s eye. Lexy tries to appear nonchalant as she pretty much asks Sam out:

Lexy: Hey, I um, I got these tickets to this, uh, wine tasting thing tonight. One of the consultants couldn’t go, so he gave them to me.
Sam: Right …

If by “right” you mean “we all knew this was coming,” I agree, but I’m still nervous and slightly giddy about it anyway. There’s just so much chemistry between these two (though my better half thinks that’s all Heather Peace — that she has chemistry with everyone. Very possible).

Sam: I don’t know. Maybe. I’ll give you a call later.
Lexy: Yeah, no, cool, I mean, no pressure.

That’s cool, baby. I mean, you know how it is … rockin’ and rollin’ and whatnot.

Sam jogs off and Lexy hurries to catch up with her. I don’t know whether I want this whole thing to happen. I mean, it’s so soon after Cat’s death, but at the same time, I kinda want to move on as a viewer. I’m so conflicted! Hold me, Heather Peace!

As Lexy arrives back at the flat, Tess is making herself presentable. Too bad Lexy can’t see that Tess is just as besotted with her as she is with Sam. And yet somehow this whole thing could never be the sort of love triangle that Sam-Cat-Frankie was. There’s just not enough angst for that.

Tess: How’s Sam?
Lexy: Oh, I dunno. She doesn’t give much away.
Tess: I’ve been meaning to call her. Ask her for a drink or something, but I just …
Sam: Got nothing at all in common with her?
Tess: Except maybe Cat. I mean, I guess not. It’s great you’re spending time with her, though.

Tess. Do you really think Lexy’s urge to spend time with Sam is magnanimous and altruistic? Try libidinous and hedonistic. Now would be a good time for Fin to come back and kick a soccer ball at your head to knock some sense into you.

Lexy gives Tess a comforting little pat as she walks by. To Tess, every little expression of affection is pretty much a proposal. I am starting to feel very concerned for her open, vulnerable heart.

Tess tries her own version of nonchalant not-asking-out:

Tess: Hey, are you doing anything later? Do you wanna go to the pub, or …?

Lexy can’t go, of course. She explains that she’s taking Sam to a wine tasting “just to get her out of the house,” and pretends to be sad that she doesn’t have more than two tickets. Tess claims she doesn’t mind because she’s got “loads of lines to learn.” Yes, but when will you learn to read between the lines?

Sadie, always on hand when you need to break some tension (or just break some shit), strolls by and half-apologizes to Lexy for borrowing her laptop “again.” Oh, no no no no: eating your flatmate’s yogurt or making a mess during condiment sex is merely annoying compared to the heinous crime of borrowing your flatmate’s laptop. Unacceptable!

But Lexy doesn’t seem to care; she just wants to know what Sadie’s up to.

Lexy: More job applications?
Sadie: No, I’ve written an article. Going to see if I can get it published. Save me from my temping nightmare.
Tess: You should’ve got Ed to read it.
Sadie: Oh, no, it’s all right; I’ve already got an in at Minus 21 magazine.
Lexy: How come?
Sadie: I fucked the editor.

There’s an implicit “duh” in the way Sadie says that. Yes, she’s immoral and narcissistic and childish, but she amuses me. And I’ll take that wherever I can get it, especially over car accidents and sudden departures.

I also think Sadie is sorta like Spike on Buffy. Can’t you imagine her saying “I don’t care what happens” — to just about anything?

At the police station, Sam is re-creating Office Space.

Sam: (to Ryder) Have you nicked my stapler again?

Ryder does indeed have the aforementioned stapler, which doesn’t appear to be a red Swingline. He also has something much more interesting: Cat’s possessions, which have been “released from the scene.” Perhaps that’s what we should say about Cat herself: she’s been released from the scene. All the scenes.

Ryder wants to know whether Sam wants Cat’s things, or whether he should give them to Cat’s parents. If it means Mrs. Hughes will come back on the show, then I vote for the latter. Also because I don’t want Sam’s heart to break all over again when she sees that incriminating bracelet.

Sam: I’ll have a think about it. Thanks.

But we’ve already had several hundred thinks about it, Sam! That bracelet has been sucking up our collective mental energy for two weeks, and we would all like to be set free.

At the hospital, Declan is spewing sheit again, teasing Lexy about her “date” with Sam. Bea overhears and wants to know whether Lexy really has a date. ‘Cause she was sorta maybe kinda hoping to get Lexy’s attention tonight. But it’s still all casual and free and easy, insists Lexy.

Declan: Right, so you’re not going on a date and she’s not in any way at all jealous.

I don’t mind when you make snarky observations, Declan. But most of your comments are more sleazy than snarky.

Lexy’s pager buzzes. She reports to a nearby duty desk and proceeds to flirt with the nurse behind it. Actually, I don’t think Lexy’s really flirting; I think she’s probably just really likeable and charming and therefore most people respond to her with warm smiles and twinkly eyes.

The nurse says there’s a patient waiting for Lexy “in chairs,” but when Lexy goes to said chairs, there’s nobody there. Nobody at all, which seems sort of weird for an ER.

Lexy goes back and asks the nurse whether somebody else took the patient.

Scottish version of Megan Cavanagh: No, he wouldn’t see anyone else. He only wanted you. He was really insistent about it.

Oooh, intrigue! This is something I love about British shows, actually: there’s often a mystery or a dark past where you least expect it.

Lexy tries to shrug it off, but I’d say there’s definitely a monkey on her back or a skeleton in her closet or a Vera Bates–ish ex waiting in a cupboard somewhere.

At the Minus 21 offices, Sadie has arrived with her latest submission. Lauren the editor says “What’re you doing here?” in a way that reminds me of when Helen Stewart asked that same question of Nikki in that one scene after Zandra went up on the roof with her baby and Nikki went to find Helen and huskily said “You’re gorgeous” and “I’m totally in love with you.” Um.

But this is not like that at all. Lauren is not happy to see Sadie and wonders if she’s “some sort of a stalker.” Sadie plays it cool and says she’s just there to deliver her article for consideration.

Sadie: Don’t flatter yourself that I’d bother stalking you. You weren’t all that.

Lauren almost shudders as Sadie saunters off. I think you just found the key to Lauren’s affections, Sadie.

Back at the police station, Ryder and Sam are leaving for the day. Ryder encourages Sam to come out for a drink.

Ryder: Look, Sam, if you don’t want to face the whole gang, we could go back to yours for a curry. I’ll even endure your Cagney and Lacey box set. Now that’s an offer you won’t get every day.

Oh, I have one of those! Actually, I guess I just have the season 1 box set, which is funny because it doesn’t actually include the first six episodes (in which Meg Foster played Cagney) and dares to call itself “The True Beginning.” Not that I disagree.

Sam shrugs and explains that she’s going to a wine tasting with her “running partner.” There’s that fake nonchalance again. But Ryder doesn’t catch it; he just mocks her for preferring a highfalutin wine tasting to “the Grampian.” I tried to figure out what “the Grampian” is and could only determine that Glasgow has a “Grampian Way” and that this pub called The Butterfly and the Pig (which I don’t think is anywhere near Grampian Way) is where I’d like to be right now.

As they go their separate ways, Sam’s phone rings. It’s Lexy. But Sam presses “ignore” or whatever the equivalent is on a BlackBerry. Wait, what? Why? Are you doing that thing where you use two possible social options against each other so you can do neither one and just go home and watch TV? I mean, not that I’ve ever done that.

Meanwhile, at rehearsal, Tess is grumbling to Hugh about the fact that Ed has chosen to take “stupid cow” to the film awards instead of her. The captions hilariously say “stupid Carol,” not “stupid cow,” which made me imagine all sorts of odd dates for Ed.

 

As Tess continues to lament her dwindling circle of friends, she tries on hats. Tess is cute in hats!

Tess also complains about her flatmates a little. Well, just Sadie. “Lexy’s lovely,” she says, in a way that suggests she’ll be trying on the “Unrequited Love” hat soon.

Hugh: Have you fallen for your roomie?
Tess: No! God, no. (after a pause) OK, maybe a little bit. But you know, it’s pretty hopeless. I mean, she hardly looks at me.

Hugh suggests that Tess sext Lexy, but Tess knows this would make her seem like a psycho.

Tess says she did ask Lexy to go to the pub with her, but Hugh says this doesn’t count because it’s in the “flatmate zone.” He suggests “stealth dating,” fun and friendly activities such as salsa classes. I can’t quite picture that. Maybe salsa-making classes?

Sadie is trying on a hat too. But not a fun one; this is the temp job she’s trying to rescue herself from. It appears she’s a waitress at a hotel restaurant. Which is about the last thing you’d think of as a possible job for her.

Meanwhile, over at the hospital, Bea is fighting with her girlfriend on the phone. Lexy overhears and wonders whether their “thing” is causing strain. Bea insists it’s not. Is it? Is it, though?

Bea does think Lexy could help her “let off some steam.” Lexy clumsily pats her on the shoulder and reminds her she has that wine tasting thing. Bea’s not bovvered at all.

According to Mellie in the comments last week, Alana Hood (Bea) is the second openly out actress on Lip Service, so I really should be supporting her. But Bea is interfering with the Saxy music that I very much want to hear!

Back at rehearsal, Hugh is still talking about his wife’s new boyfriend and Tess is wondering whether she could somehow get away with killing Nora. And of course Nora walks in right in the middle of that murderous thought. She offers an apology for taking Tess’s place at the film awards, and also gives Tess a nice bottle of champagne so she can enjoy a night in. It’s so confusing when soulless people are nice, right, Tess?

Sam is reading a condolence letter from a friend.

DO YOU SEE THAT? It’s signed “Love, Helen.” IT’S TOTALLY A LETTER FROM HELEN STEWART! Can we please get Simone Lahbib on this show to start a torrid May-December affair with DS Murray?

Does anyone do pensive as well as Heather Peace? And hello, Sam’s arms.

As Sam ponders the letter, Lexy calls again. This time Sam picks up and agrees to go to the wine tasting. Lexy’s reaction is mild and restrained.

But Lexy’s glee turns to glum when she goes to her locker to collect her things. Her locker is wide open, and there’s an envelope with a note in it.

There are several ways we could finish this “I KNOW” sentence. There’s the obvious “WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER,” the half-cute, half-creepy “THE MUFFIN MAN,” and the retro-cool “THE WAY TO SAN JOSE.”

And then there’s the one I want it to be: “HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND, BECAUSE I AM THE GHOST OF CAT MACKENZIE AND I AM HAUNTING THIS GODDAMN HOSPITAL.”

This is a deliciously soap-operatic moment, complete with a dramatic camera push onto the note, some twitchy crescendoing violins, and Lexy’s darting who-is-this-what-is-happening eyes.

Last week, Bostongrrl said in the comments that Lexy’s eyebrows are veering into Joan Crawford territory That’s definitely true, and it makes everything even more dramatic!

Lip Service Episode 203 Recap: Shagathon

Let’s start with a detour into the Lip Service theme song, or rather “theme (instrumental),” as it would probably say on the sheet music. It’s not a bad one; for one thing, it’s blissfully brief. But there’s really no “theme” in this song, which is generally true of TV nowadays. Remember when theme songs would orient you to the world of the show? “Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip” or “You take the good, you take the bad, you take ’em both and there you have” or “Just the good ol’ boys, never meanin’ no harm” or “Baby, if you’ve ever wondered, wondered whatever became of me” or “Well I bet we’ve been together for a million years” or “They’re creepy and they’re kooky” or “Love, exciting and new” or “Boy, the way Glenn Miller played” or “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, schlemiel! Schlimazel!” — OK, maybe not that last one.

My point is that you knew what you were in for because the theme song spelled it out for you. It wasn’t just about lyrics (the themes for Taxi and Mork & Mindy and Cagney & Lacey and Little House on the Prairie all perfectly captured the atmosphere without words), but lyrics definitely helped.

So I decided to write some lyrics for the Lip Service theme. These should match up to the harmonica line, but they’re also possibly not remotely singable at all.

Our friend is dead
and we all miss her.
Though … Cat is de-ead, life goes on.
Oh, yes our friend is … dead:
Fuck.

See? Now we know what we’re about.

The dearly departed Cat played several roles on this show: chief furrowed-brow worrier and tidier; orbited center and loyal friend; frequent putter-oner of makeup; fickle hash-smoking oversexed buttoned-up near-autistic (according to her mother) architect. Sheesh, maybe she died of inconsistencies sustained in convoluted plot lines, rather than of injuries sustained in a crash.

Tess is here to take on one of those roles: she’s tidying up the kitchen. Or she’s at least fighting with the mess.

Lexy: Playing crockery Jenga?
Tess: Yeah, bloody Sadie. How much washing-up can you generate in three days?

Me? None. I actually left dishes in the sink the night I started this recap, and I pretty much hated myself in the morning.

Lexy confesses that some of the washing-up is hers, but she promises to clean it up later. Tess figures Lexy has an excuse, being gainfully employed and all. Also, Tess is never going to blame Lexy for anything because she kind of has the hots for Lexy.

Tess clears her throat and shudders a bit.

Lexy: Still not sleeping?

How much later is it, exactly? A few days, did you say? Does anyone sleep during the first week after someone close to them dies? I’m not quite sure, because each time it’s happened to me, I’ve been fully out of my mind. And Tess is definitely not quite tracking.

Lexy: I could, uh, nab you some morphine from the hospital, if you like.
Tess: Really?

No, not really. Tess confesses to being even “slower than normal” at the moment, which earns her another hug from Lexy. Tess is enjoying these hugs quite a lot. She’s even receptive to Lexy’s advice to get out of the house a little; Lexy thinks it’d be nice to go to rehearsal and “be someone else for a few hours.”

I think the “someone else” Tess wants to be is your girlfriend, Lexy.

Sadie emerges from Frankie’s bedroom and offers a “Morning,” a cigarette in her mouth and a smirk on her face. Tess reminds Sadie that there’s no smoking in “communal areas,” so Sadie promptly extinguishes said cigarette in a teacup. Which is revolting.

And then Sadie goes to the fridge for some (of Tess’s) yogurt, which sends Tess right into shrieking-and-freaking mode. Sadie and Lexy both give Tess a look, so Tess tries to calm herself down and be cool. Sadie turns back to the bedroom she’s apparently been spending a lot of time in.

Lexy: Hey, how’s Frankie?
Sadie: Same.
Tess: Maybe she needs more than cigarettes and yoghurt.

Then there are a few random lines during which Sadie sees Tess checking out Lexy’s bum. I can’t help but think that Tess would probably like to get some advice from her friend Cat right about now.

In Frankie’s bedroom, Sadie is scrounging for knickers. She has an appointment at the magazine they did the photo shoot for; she decided to write an article herself since the journalist failed to show. (Remember when Sadie was fondling that buisness card last week? Yeah, nobody cared much about any kind of fondling last week; we were all too busy shuffling off this mortal coil.)

Sadie tosses a packet of cigarettes at Frankie. I have been refraining from commenting on Frankie’s skeletal appearance, because it is impossible to comment on Frankie’s appearance without commenting on Ruta’s, and that’s just “not on,” as the Brits say. But … wow.

Speaking of what Brits say, Sadie’s next line is beautifully British to this particular American ear:

Sadie: I think it’s my turn to get a curry in. Housemates are gettin’ tetchy I’m not pullin’ my weight.

We don’t really have a word that means “tetchy.” Nor do we have as much authentic curry.

Frankie wants to know just how long Sadie plans to stay. Sadie gets all defensive and offers to leave right this minute, but Frankie doesn’t really care. Her phone rings; Sadie answers.

Sadie: Hello, Moody Cow Photography. Can I help you?

Sadie! I didn’t like you all that much last season, but this season you’re a goddamn life preserver.

Frankie has a brief conversation with her mother and arranges to see her. Tess waits in the wings and, after Frankie hangs up, suggests a walk later to visit Cat’s grave.

Hold on a minute. CAT’S GRAVE. For fuck’s sake.

Frankie doesn’t want to do that or anything else. She wants to get away from Tess and Sadie and the whole wide world. The best she can do is go for a shower.

Sam is running again. Running seems to be the current shorthand for ambitious, upstanding, loyal, etc. — a statement that “this is a good person.” Which really, Sam always has been. But Cat was making her more complex; Sam was exhibiting need, desperation, and some of the other irrational behaviors that deepen a character. I hope we don’t go back to garden-variety “good.”

At least we get to meet Sam’s dad! He’s running with her. And he’s a former cop! He coughs a little, so Sam pretends to need a break. Aww.

Lexy just happens to be running their way. She and Sam talk, and there’s obviously a connection there. Sam’s dad (whose name is Alfie — what’s it all about?) senses something between them. He asks how they know each other. “From running,” they say hurriedly.

Lexy: I’m a bit of a newbie to all this, as you can probably tell by my physique.
Alfie: Oh, I don’t know… (appreciates Lexy’s physique)
Sam: (scolding) Dad.

The whole thing is awkward in a sweet way. Lexy excuses herself, probably because she’s in love with both of them. Maybe that’s just me.

Alfie: Nice girl.
Sam: She’s all right.
Alfie: She one of your lot?

Oh, I like that. “One of Sam’s lot” can be the new “friend of Dorothy.”

This whole scene takes place in front of the tiger mural on the Clyde Walkway in Glasgow, painted partly in celebration of the 2010 Chinese New Year and partly to advertise a beer. Which is disappointing, because I thought maybe it had something to do with William Blake.

I want to go to there. And I almost can, thanks to this panoramic photo — if you make it full screen, you can pretend you’re running and wheezing with Lexy and Sam and Alfie.

Alfie and Sam go back to Sam’s flat, where Sam’s mum is cleaning. She’s dusting and moving things around, and the FA/CM wood piece is on full display. Sam gets upset and her Yorkshire accent gets a little more pronounced. Oh, I made a pun! I didn’t even mean to. I guess dorky puns are one of the many side effects of being around Sam’s adorableness.

Alfie calms everyone down and goes off to his “breakfast date” with Christine Bleakley.

Sam’s mum: There wasn’t much to clean. Cat’s pretty tidy, wasn’t she?
Sam: Yeah.
Sam’s mum: I wish we could have met her. At least gone to the funeral.
Sam: It wasn’t going to change anything.

Sigh. It’s nice that Sam has such supportive parents, but right now I guess there’s no comforting her. Understandably.

In the hospital cafeteria, Declan is teasing Lexy about Sam. Am I supposed to like this Declan character? Because I definitely don’t so far.

Lexy: Come on. Her girlfriend just died, for fuck’s sake.
Declan: I’m not gonna blame you for trying. I mean, it’s not like you’re gettin’ much, is it?
Lexy: (looking meaningfully at a nearby blonde) I get … I get enough.

Declan: It’s not today, is it? Please tell me it’s not today.
Lexy: What?
Declan: Gash Wednesday.
Lexy: Stop calling it that. Anyway, we’ve diversified; it’s not just Wednesdays.
Declan: Whatever. It’s weird.
Lexy: It works.
Declan: Yeah, but with someone from the hospital? Have you never heard the expression “don’t piss in your own lift”?
Lexy: What’s the difference between that and sex-ray, apart from the fact that I’m actually fucking mine?

I typed all that out because (1) Declan, like too many gay male characters, seems to be disgusted by women and thinks nothing of using the word “gash” — so, yeah, he’s an ass; (2) no, I’ve actually never heard the expression “don’t piss in your own lift,” but I think I like it better than “don’t shit where you eat”; (3) the term “sex-ray” (which is apparently what they’re calling the radiologist that Declan has a crush on) is funny and clever; (4) the whole thing is an admirable example of reasonably realistic dialogue that clues us into a plot development without getting all clunky — unlike the ham-handed exposition-via-dialogue that’s all over American TV and film. (My girlfriend loses her mind every time someone says “Remind me why we’re doing this again?”)

Here is how Shonda Rhimes would have written that scene:

Lexy: You know what today is, don’t you?
Declan: Wednesday?
Lexy: That’s right, Wednesday! Wednesday is the day I have my fun happy sexy time with that blonde woman over there. Remember?
Declan: Oh, right. But she’s your co-worker.
Lexy: She sure is. We’ve been working together for 6 months now.

Ugh, I just bored myself.

Lexy gets another mysterious call. WHO IS IT?!? Is it a mobster? Is it a new friend who can take over for Douchelan? Is it Marcel the Shell saying, “Hullo, this is me”?

Frankie is buying flowers. She wants to know what people “usually get” for Mother’s Day. I don’t know, but don’t get lilies. Or begonias.

Meanwhile, Sadie is meeting with an editor at Minus 21, which is the magazine Frankie did the photo shoot for last week. The editor seems to be reading Sadie’s article right there in front of her, which I guess is one way to do it. Maybe they should have “speed reading” for editors and writers, like speed dating, only you sit down with a random book/magazine/whatever editor who reads your one-page piece really quickly and decides whether to publish it. Doesn’t that sound fun? Yeah, not really.

This is a good time to mention editorrealtalk.tumblr.com, which is stupendous. (Hat tip and enormous gratitude to Heather Hogan for telling me about that.)

Sadie gets some real talk from this editor: her piece is “too corporate” but her take is “interesting.”

Editor: Who else have you written for?
Sadie: All over, really. Mostly down south.

If you know what I mean! And then the editor wants to know what sorta stuff she typically writes.

Sadie: I can turn my hand to most things.
Editor: Except spelling. (points to the page) En suite is spelt E-N, not O-N.

Sadie’s quite lovely when she’s half embarrassed, half delighted at being seen through.

She confesses she’s not really a writer but knows a lot about hotels and such ’cause of being an estate agent. The editor doesn’t think the piece is worth working on, but she invited Sadie to come in anyway because she likes to “check out new talent.” Do you now?

The editor bids Sadie a fond farewell and enjoys watching her go. Sadie stops to compliment the editor’s shoes. I need to know the editor’s name because it’s starting to feel like I’m writing a not-very-good Devil Wears Prada fanfic that keeps referring to Miranda and Andy as “the editor” and “the journalist.”

Lip Service Episode 202 Recap: Very Dramatic

I was going to start this with a rant, but I decided to sprinkle my feelings throughout the recap instead of compressing them into one intensely emotional moment that is way out of line with audience expectations, not to mention structurally nonsensical and just generally self-indulgent. (See what I did there?)

For now, I’ll just say that I sometimes wish TV and movies would come with mood warnings instead of adult content warnings. I sat down all happy and excited, looking forward to another vastly entertaining hour of a show I’ve come to love. I had jalapeño poppers and Boddingtons and everything, and I couldn’t even enjoy them! I want my Friday night back.

Lexy is moving in with Tess and Frankie. Aw, look at Tess carrying those unwieldy boxes. Hi Tess! You’re my only hope.

Lexy doesn’t have much stuff, because she doesn’t like clutter.

Lexy: It’s just when you see so many people snuff it, you realize only junk gets left behind.

Well, that’s not foreshadowy in the least.

Tess likes the idea of a “clear-out” and a “more minimalist lifestyle.” Don’t be silly, Tess. You’re the sort who always has things flying off her person as she exits a room or a taxi, and we like you that way.

You know what else I like? Cat. And Sam. Cat and Sam together at home, in a robe and a tank top, respectively, getting ready to sit down to Cat’s birthday breakfast.

Cat notices the lilies on the table and inhales their sweet and foreboding fragrance. (Lilies symbolize death. For me, they also symbolize the weirdness of the ’80s.)

But according to Sam (who seems to have a little bit of a cold, which is very cute), lilies are just part of the “full birthday breakfast experience.”

Sam: We’ve even got jam and marmalade in little pots, like you get at a hotel. To be fair, they’re eggcups, but you get the idea.

I do get the idea. I get the idea that you love her a lot. Cat gets that idea too, especially when she opens her gift. It’s some sort of designer handbag; Sam overheard her talking with Tess about it and followed through, like the most perfect girlfriend that she is.

She’s so excited and eager. Maybe Sam is a shapeshifter, like Sam on True Blood: the hot cop has just transformed into an adorable little puppy!

Sam: Do you like it?
Cat: I love it. Thank you. (tearing up)
Sam: It’s meant to make you happy, not sad.

That is what I want to say to you about this show, Harriet Braun: It was meant to make me happy, not sad.

Across town (really, I have no idea where Frankie’s flat is relative to Cat’s flat), Tess is observing as Lexy gets settled. Lexy doesn’t like “DIY,” as you can see from the rickety nature of the bookshelf she’s currently futzing with. Lexy tells Tess that she’s smart to date a spark.

Lexy: I bet she does everything like this.
Tess: Oh, yeah. She would. Only we’re not together any more.
Lexy: Oh, shit. Um, sorry.
Tess: It’s OK. We weren’t together long. It was a she-says-tomahto, I-say-tomayto situation, so… I called the whole thing off.

What? They broke up? Look, Tess: just because you’re currently in a Chekhov play doesn’t mean you have to do the important stuff offstage. But I love you for quoting a Gershwin tune.

Tess unsubtly inquires as to Lexy’s relationship status. Which I think she already did, in the last episode. But I’m not going to start cataloging inconsistencies and repetitions, because that would make me mad in an insane sense, instead of just in an angry sense.

While finding the right spot for an impressively heavy-looking medical textbook (because she’s a doctor, get it?), Lexy reveals that she spent her twenties “sleeping with the wrong women — Frankie being a prime example.” That’s why she’s single now. Tess is sort of interested but is also attempting to look up Lexy’s skirt, which is sort of pointless because Lexy is wearing tights.

I’m not sure whether I want these two to be a couple. I think I want them to hook up but not get together, but I don’t think Tess is capable of something that casual. And Lexy is a heartbreaker type, so I don’t want Tess to actually fall in love with her. But whatever happens, at least I won’t have to worry about things getting really dire or dramatic or tragic, because this show isn’t like that!

Still at home with Sam, Cat gets a text that makes her smile. She hides the smile as Sam breezes in to announce she’s off for a run. I want to yank Cat’s iPhone out of her hand and slap her silly with it.

Meanwhile, in the same idyllic spot as the last episode — is Sadie squatting there now? — Frankie is trying to make amends.

Frankie: I wanted to say I’m sorry. You’re right, I was a cock.
Sadie: You’re not getting back in my pants, if that’s what you think.
Frankie: That’s not what I want.
Sadie: Charmed, I’m sure.
Frankie: Nah, I would, I would want to … I think you know I’m into someone else.

And yes, Sadie is smart like that. She inquires as to Cat’s health and then agrees to be Frankie’s mate, with a “sod it” that makes me like her a whole lot. (I had a flatmate who said there were only four answers to all of life’s questions: “All right,” “Fuck off,” “I don’t know,” and “Sod it.” I think Sadie would agree.)

Having established their fondness for each other, they try to make small talk. It seems Sadie is “broke and jobless,” and Frankie says she might be able to help out with that. What? Isn’t Frankie broke and jobless too? I guess things are looking up for her. Don’t get used to it, Frankie!

Sam is running. She hears someone coughing nearby and stops to help, because that’s just who she is. She puts the “Sam” in “Good Samaritan.”

The cougher is Lexy. She’s trying to run too, but she’s an out-of-shape former smoker (who, an entire episode ago, was doing coke and not caring one whit about her health). She’s very embarrassed that Sam is seeing her like this.

Lexy: Sometimes I can’t wait till we’re 80 and I can just throw self-improvement to the wind. Buy a stair lift and eat doughnuts all day.

They banter about the hilarity of mortality, and then Sam offers to run with Lexy.

Lexy: Oh, no. You’re really fit. Um, I mean you’re really healthy.

It’s funny how “fit” means “attractive” in the UK, whereas in the US it just means “in shape.” Do British travelers come to the US and think a “fitness club” is a singles bar?

(I am providing my own levity because I know death is standing in the doorway, clipping his nails.)

Tess is acting. Or at least she’s trying to: her costar Nora keeps interrupting and requesting pauses or stage directions or whatever will put the spotlight back on her. Tess is trying to cooperate, but it’s not easy.

This storyline really does remind me of Smash, except this show won’t (one hopes) veer into faux Bollywood territory.

Tess’s jovial new actor friend is still cheering her on and making faces behind Nora’s back. I like him. I hope he’ll be there for Tess when everything falls apart in about 5 minutes.

Somewhere else, Cat and Sam are walking to work. Cat wants to know which restaurant they’re going to for her birthday, because that way she’ll know what to wear.

Sam: Look, just don’t wear jeans or trainers.

This is what I want to tell every tourist who decides to take in a Broadway show. (And don’t wear baseball caps or shorts either, but that’s probably implicit in the other thing.)

Cat abruptly points to a building they’re approaching. She says “That’s where I’m going in there” in an unpunctuated, frantic way that prompts Sam to ask whether she’s OK. Cat nods and Sam seems to accept that Cat is on an important architectural mission of some kind. As Autostraddler Holly said in the comments last week, Sam, you’re a cop. Can’t you read Cat’s little tics and tells? She’s not a good liar; she’s always squinting too much or putting her hands to her face.

There’s an all-too-quick kiss goodbye.

Inside the random building, Cat watches from the window until Sam is out of sight. Little do they know (and much do I wish I didn’t know) that they’ve just spent their last moments together.

Cat pauses for a moment, possibly wondering when she became such a calculating louse, then leaves the building and goes on her merry perfidious way.

At the hospital, Lexy is talking to a doctor friend of hers. She’s still embarrassed about her breathless-in-the-wrong-way encounter with Sam.

Lexy: Well, anyway, she’s got a bloody girlfriend, which is just my luck.

Hmm. Inopportune use of the word “bloody,” Lexy, but you couldn’t possibly know that.

Lexy: One day I’m going to fancy someone who isn’t unstable or taken.

You are? On this show? But that wouldn’t be very dramatic.

Why are scrubs sexy? They’re not so much different from sweatpants, and those aren’t sexy. I guess it’s more what scrubs represent. On Lexy, they represent hotness.

Lexy’s phone rings, but there’s nobody on the other end. “Third bloody call today,” she mutters. Ooh, intrigue! Who could it be? Do you have a long-lost love, Lexy, or are you just delinquent on your med school loans?

Lexy’s (male) doctor friend is moping because the cute new radiologist (also male) walked right by him without a glance. I wondered if there would be a gay man on the show anytime soon. I guess it’s a good addition? Not that gay men will start watching this show just because of that one character — unlike lesbians, who will slog through 50 brain-putrefying minutes of Grey’s Anatomy every week just to catch a glimpse of Callie and Arizona.

Lexy: Maybe he’s straight.
Friend, whose name is apparently Declan but I had to look that up: No, he’s definitely gay. He is. I have a sixth sense. I see gay people.

Hey, look over here: do you see bored people?

Lexy asks Declan to choose a patient file: “ear infection with discharge” or “unremitting vomiting”? I should remember these things when I have to select a piece of tedium to work on at my job: at least there are no bodily fluids involved.

After rehearsal, Tess is griping about Nora the diva. Tess’s actor friend (why don’t these people have names?) says Nora is “just an actress,” meaning she’s “selfish, faithless, self-absorbed.”

Tess: I’m an actress.
Actor Friend: Present company excepted.

Actor Friend goes on to talk about his wife, who is also an actress and is throwing away 20 years of marriage to have a fling with a hot-shot actor named Thomas Delaware. Tess pretends not to like Thomas Delaware and says he gave a “terrible performance” in a recent movie, but she’s not giving a very convincing performance herself. Actor Friend rants a little more. Tess offers the only thing she has:

Tess: Crisp? It’s a new flavor.

Oh, oh, what’s the new flavor? British crisp flavors are insane — “prawn cocktail” being the worst I’ve tried. But as the inventors of salt and vinegar, they’re really the gods of crisp flavors.

Cat knocks on Frankie’s door. The knock sort of sounds like “doom doom doom” if you listen hard enough.

They fall into each other’s arms. It’s sort of hot, I’ll admit, but it’s also just so upsetting. I can’t help but wince and cringe and squirm (and not in a good way).

Doorway/foyer kisses always remind me of When Night Is Falling. Maybe I’ll watch that after this, to restore a teeny bit of my innocence.

It gets quite intense. Cat is wearing a corset.

Cat: I want you to watch me.

Well then! Lucky for you, Cat, Frankie and I both very much want to watch.

Sam and her work partner are on surveillance. They talk about Sam’s plans for Cat’s birthday dinner, at a swanky restaurant called La Maison.

Ryder: They don’t even have prices on the menu, do they?
Sam: I know a pint and a burger are your idea of a hot date, but I’m way classier than you, so…
Ryder: (after a pause) Reckon you and Cat will do the civil partnership thing?
Sam: I don’t know. We’ve not talked about it. I’d marry her tomorrow, though.

Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhh. Don’t say “marry”! Or “tomorrow”! I can’t take it.

Lip Service Episode 201 Recap: The Necklace

Cast your mind back, if you will, to November 2010. Not because of Thanksgiving or the U.S. midterm elections or Jill Clayburgh’s death or Ingrid Pitt’s death — the two extremes of feminism, you might say — or for any other historical or cultural or seasonal item of note. But because that’s when the season/series 1 finale of Lip Service aired.

November 2010. That is 17 months ago! And I had to really think hard about that, because how often do you count out 17 months? It’s not a span of time that makes any kind of sense to the human brain. “Maybe I need another vacation. I went to Mykonos 17 months ago.” Nobody says that! “My job duties have really changed a lot in the last 17 months.” Nope. Never uttered. “But I told you all about this 17 months ago!” Take your Mayan calendar and your abacus and get the hell out of here.

But amyray, we’re back! Yes! We’re back in Glasgow, and even if you can’t say anything else about the inherent qualities of 17 months as a block of time, you can probably assume that it involved at least one haircut and/or new hairstyle. In this case, it involved at least 6.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Which is the opposite of Frankie, who is behind on her bills.

Frankie looks more than different. She seems almost transformed somehow. I wasn’t really drawn to her at all last season, but something about her new look is making me look. What have you been up to, Mighty_Minto?

As Frankie sifts through the rubble of her fiscal wasteland, I get distracted by the lyrics of the song that is playing (“Keep Me in Your Heart” by Bill Wells and Aidan Moffat):

Keep me in your phone
Keep me on your key ring
Keep me rolling around about the bottom of your bag
And keep me in your hall
Keep me in your bathroom
Keep me hanging up, stretched out and dripping next to you

What? This is like a song you make up when you’re a kid and you’re just wandering around empty-headed and aimless, enjoying the sunshine and making sounds that turn into words but have no meaning behind them or really anywhere near them.

Frankie is not empty-headed at all, though: her brain is still saying CAT CAT CAT the way a stereotypical dog’s might (but I am not saying Frankie is a dog, unless you mean it in a cool “dawg” sort of way).

Frankie calls (I feel like I should say “rings,” but that would be pretentious of me) the object of her intermittent affection. After one of those charming double-rings, it goes to voice mail, so Frankie sends an email instead.

Apparently Cat’s email address is catmackenzie@live.com. Hang on, I need to email her something real quick.

Frankie kind of rocks back and forth a bit, as if she’s feeling lost without Cat.

I do feel a little sympathy for her, but not enough to rock back and forth or anything. I am not anti-Frankie in a general way, but I am definitely on Team Sam.

And there’s my team! Sam and Cat are just getting back from a trip to Rio. They’re discussing an Awkward Airport Security Moment:

Cat: I told you we shouldn’t take any toys.
Sam: He so fancied you. I think we made his day!

Wait, why was that offstage? We need to see these things! But nope, we’ve moved on to kissing. Which is probably better than the airport security thing.

They’re so busy kissing, they don’t realize they’re at the end of the escalator. Cat almost trips and falls. This is no joke, people! Escalators can kill!

But looks can’t kill, even when they’re delivered by homophobes going up the other escalator. Sam just stares back and says “hi.” ‘Cause she’s great like that.

Cat plays with her necklace; Sam compliments her on it.

Cat: I wonder who gave me that?

I bet I know! That hot cop right next to you! And I understand your confusion: I wouldn’t remember who gave me my own name, let alone my necklace.

Suddenly they’re back at their apartment, and the sunglasses are on the other head. I don’t mean that like “the shoe’s on the other foot”; I mean the continuity person was napping (cf. previous kiss photo). Or maybe it’s all just part of the escalator-riding, toy-revealing, necklace-fiddling aura of young love.

Cat: Shouldn’t we at least unpack?
Sam: You seriously want to unpack?

Obviously the next line should have been “No, but I seriously want to see what you’re packing.” They set it up so perfectly, with that mention of the toys! What a missed opportunity.

They do end up doing it right there on the kitchen floor, but that’s offstage too. This time I don’t care, because it’s a preposterous idea: who really wants to have sex when they’re just getting home from a trip? I’m not saying Cat had a better idea, because I don’t want to unpack the minute I get home either. But sex? No. The first thing you do when you get home from a trip is order some food, flop down on the couch, and catch up on all the TV you missed while you were away. This is true even if Sam is present, and I do not say that lightly.

Tess is trying to watch her new girlfriend (Fin, the “spark” she met at the end of last season) play football. Doesn’t she look enthralled?

Fin even scores a goal.

Then the ball finds its way to the fence near Tess, and Fin and her mates expect Tess to kick it back onto the field. Like you would.

She resists, then finally gives it a try. It goes about 1.2 feet, so she picks it up and throws it instead. It goes a teeny bit farther. Poor Tess! All the footballers are chuckling and tsking and making it very clear that she’s not a real lesbian. All Tess can do is sigh and wince.

They all go for breakfast, where Fin’s friends continue to mock Tess’s lack of athleticism and love of sleeping late.

Fin: Oy! Leave her alone. She’s got plenty of other skills.

As another somewhat artistic type who has been in the presence of taunting athletic types, I feel your pain, Tess. But I don’t think the feisty footballers really mean anything by it; it’s just their “way,” you know? Just pretend you’re in Bend It Like Beckham. Except instead of Keira Knightley (yawn) or Parminder Nagra (shrug), you’ve got Fin, who’s just as cute and way more gay. (And much to everyone’s great relief, she looks nothing like that other Fin(n).)

Despite the awkwardness (or maybe because of it), I’m happy to see Tess! Let’s take a moment to reflect on the fact that Tess is played by Fiona (cute as a) Button. Talk about an aptonym.

Wait, maybe I’m already over Fin. Ed texts Tess about an upcoming play, and Tess asks Fin whether she wants to go. Fin mumbles about being busy. I would love to go to the theater with you absolutely anytime, Tess. I’d even sit through the lobotomizing production of Jean Genet’s The Maids that I endured off-Broadway last month. Hmm. Maybe I take that back. Is Sam coming too?

Bored Frankie is watching boring TV. But this new flat looks pretty fab. As in, you could probably buy some of those pillows and things on Fab.com.

Like everyone else in the world, when TV fails her, Frankie turns to the internet. She starts to check her mail; there’s a message with the subject “Fwd: Scotland Form,” sent to frankiealan1@gmail.com. Before we can think about what that might mean, Tess breezes in and Frankie slams her MacBook shut. Yeah, be careful, Frankie: it’s one thing for Tess to catch you underneath a grunting Jay, but you mustn’t scar her for life with the sight of you reading email.

Frankie: Have you had any more calls about the ad?
Cat: Uh, a bloke who sounded excited about living with lesbians, and a woman who sounded drunk.

See how much shorter the whole roommate search thing could have been on The L Word?

Frankie expresses her strong desire to get a flatmate very soon. She’s not even sure she’ll be able to pay her own share of the rent much longer, if she doesn’t get a job. I don’t understand how the person who had that amazing apartment in NYC last season can suddenly be out of money. They don’t even let you stand on the same block as an apartment like that if you’re not pulling down a cool 10 mil a year.

Frankie asks Tess whether she’s heard from Cat. Why, yes, as a matter of fact, Tess has. This news turns Frankie into a Lichtenstein painting.

Frankie’s eyes seems so much more alive so far this season. I guess suffering really does build character?

Frankie jumps up and leaves in a burst of feigned nonchalance. “Bye?” shrugs Tess.

Frankie stomps along and finds herself staring up at the window of Cat’s flat, much like she stared up at the window of Cat’s office in the very first episode. But this time the face at the fenester is Sam’s. At first I want her to see Frankie, but then I don’t, and she doesn’t. It’s much too soon for the triangle to come crashing in on itself!

At a … hmm, some sort of quirky vintage shop, Tess ruminates while Ed stands patiently by. Awww, Ed.

Tess is worried about Frankie, who hasn’t even slept with anyone since breaking up with Sadie. Ed gripes about his own dry spell. Tess assures him that he’ll have plenty of groupies once his book is published, but he doesn’t want to wait that long.

Ed: I’ve decided I’m gettin’ laid tonight.
Tess: Ah. It’s gay disco night at Rubies; I kind of told people we’d go there.

Poor Ed. He’s pretty much the Eeyore of this group. (Also, poor us that “disco” doesn’t actually mean disco the way it did on Glee last week. I’d pay good money to see Sam do that pistols-at-your-hip disco move, or the lasso thing. Or pretty much all of Nick’s disco routine in the “Discos and Dragons” episode of Freaks and Geeks.)

Tess tries to get Ed to focus on the task at hand: helping her find some clothes that say “serious actress.” Ed wants to know why Fin isn’t doing this instead.

Tess: She’s at work. And anyway, shopping’s not really her thing.

As a sentient life form with more than one brain cell, Ed finds it amusing that Tess would date someone who’s more into football than shopping.

Tess: Well, at least she’s nice to me, unlike every other woman I’ve dated.

Tess! I would be nice to you. And I would make you go to lots of theater but no football. Actually, never mind: I don’t really want to date you at all. But my girlfriend and I would both like to hang out with you and help you memorize your lines or anything else. Because you’re cute as a Button, Fiona!

Tess also notes that the sex with Fin is grrrrrreat.

Tess: Most of my other girlfriends have been really selfish in bed. But she’s, like, really, really… Well, she’s just… she’s just really good.

Ed and the rest of us were about to drool for a minute there. Stop tantalizing the Eeyores, Tigger Tess!

Tess claims not to be worried about not having enough in common with Fin and notes that they’ve only been together for 2 months. 2 months? It’s been 17 on my planet! Einstein should be glad he only had to deal with the twin paradox, rather than TV perplexities.

At chez consternation, there’s a knock at the door.

“Come in,” says the spider to the fly. Cat looks terrified or thrilled or something. I don’t know what to do with my hands or feet or eyebrows or corpuscles right now, because this sort of situation is exactly what makes this show so deliciously maddening.

Having confirmed that Tess is out, Cat only gets more terrified. But she apologizes for not telling Frankie that she was back in town, and inquires as to Frankie’s health.

Frankie: Been better. It’s not been fun sitting around waiting to find out what you want.
Cat: Well, now you know how it feels.

Ouchie. Wait, I think I just figured out why Frankie is so much more appealing to me this season. She sorta looks like Delirium of The Endless.

I don’t mean this as a negative thing. I’ve always adored Delirium — and she used to be called Delight. Maybe when Cat fell in love with Frankie originally, she was more on the Delight end of the spectrum.

Cat apologizes for her below-the-belt retort. Frankie, proving she’s British through and through, offers Cat some tea.

Frankie: Tess seems to have gone all lesbian on me and brought a million herbal varieties.

That joke never gets old! Actually, maybe it just did.

They banter a little about Tess and tea, and Cat seems a little more friendly. Frankie steps forward to make her move, but Cat is steadfast.

Cat: I can’t sleep with you anymore, Frankie. It was a mistake.

Ouchie again! Cat insists that she loves Sam and doesn’t want to leave her, but when Frankie forces her hand with “And you don’t love me?” a cat gets Cat’s tongue. And then this happens.

But Cat pushes Frankie away with an “I can’t do this” and pushes herself right out the door.

I still don’t quite understand why or how or what the whole story is, but I’ll admit that there was some chemistry in that kiss. (If you’re on Team Frankie, this is where you yell “SOME?!” at the device on which you’re reading this. Try to do it on the subway or in a crowded Starbucks, because that way you can identify other team members and maybe reenact the scene [complete with tea, if you’re in the second location].)

Lip Service Season 2: New Trailer Reinforces Fact That It’s Finally Happening

It’s been like five fuck-buddies, six umbrellas, 567 bottles of whiskey, three apartments and one incident of Heather Peace kissing me on the cheek since we last caught up with the lovely women of Lip Service, and at last Season Two is really truly honestly actually happening. On Friday, April 20th at 9:30 PM on the BBC3, Lip Service will return to your box (if your box is UK-based), with all your favorite ladies sporting new haircuts.

Episode One will find Cat (who very recently shagged her BFF/first love Frankie) and Sam back in Glasgow after a fun lesbian holiday in South America, Tess in a super-happy relationship with the hot neighbor, and Frankie and Tess struggling to pay rent. Clearly they’ll have to take on a third roommate. It will not be this guy:

All signs point to the new roomie being new character Lexy — “a sexy, funny and straight-talking Australian doctor” played by Anna Skellern. Creator/writer Harriet Braun told the BBC3 that she always wanted to write a doctor because “there’s something intrinsically sexy about the whole “I can handle a crisis” thing.”  There’ll also be some new bros this season like Lexy’s “irreverent” gay doctor friend, Dr. Declan Love. Also, Sadie is back!

“Although there will be as much comedy as ever, I think I would say Lip Service gets a lot darker this season,” said Braun. “First time around, I looked at people at a pivotal age — late twenties or early thirties, trying to get what they want and avoiding making the same mistakes again. This time it’s about what happens when you get what you want and it isn’t quite what you expected… or you can’t have what you want.”

Twists and turns are promised, as well as “surprising directions” and “emotional curveballs.” You can read summaries of all of the first four episodes of Season Two on Cult Box and the complete intrview with Harriet Braun on BBC3.

The BBC 3 also has put out some “monologue” videos. Here’s my girlfriend, Frankie, discussing her first lesbian kiss:

Are you excited? The best news of all is that we’ll be recapping Lip Service, and these recaps will be written by a very very very special guest writer who was making people pee in their pants over her L Word recaps before I even knew it was on. So what are you most excitant about? Besides Frankie’s tank top?

Rachel’s Team Pick: GOGO Festival Looks F*cking Fantastic, You Should Go

January is a good time to be a lesbian, it seems! Emily might get laid on Pretty Little Liars, you can now buy red-and-green candy really cheap at CVS, and there are parties left and right for some reason! (At least, parties that actually happen in June that you can buy tickets for now.) For instance, the GOGO Festival in London. I mean, listen, guys. I’m not saying you have to go to this. I’m just saying that if you don’t, you might REGRET IT FOREVER. There are HOT AIR BALLOON RIDES. Oh, and lesbian stuff too!

+ Heather Peace, aka cop D.I Sam from hit British lesbian series ‘Lip Service’ will be hanging up her uniform and picking up her guitar to perform a set on Sunday the 19th, having enjoyed sell-out success on her solo tour since starring in the BBC3 show.

She will also be doing a signing and meet and greet with her fans.

+ Uh Huh Her (featuring Leisha Hailey from the L Word) alongside lesbian-anthem-‘L Word Theme’-singers BETTY will be headlining the event, along with other top performers from around the world.

+ Terry Poison, the “Tarantino of Pop,” are flying in from Tel Aviv, Israel, to chuck out their unique brand of contagious Rocktronica, along with all-lesbian band Greymatter, electro-pop tarts Heads.Hearts, sweet-voiced Jill Jackson and Emma Payn, indie rockers Neon Choir and JOANovARC (who were finalists in Live and Unsigned and performed at the O2 in London in 2010), Christina Novelli, Miri, Pink Hearse and Alexia Chellun.

Also!

+ International food fair and shopping village

+ BUNGEE TRAMPOLINING

+ SKYDIVING

+ HOT AIR BALLOON RIDES

+ Also I think possibly HELICOPTER RIDES?!?

Basically, this is the event that grown-up-lesbian-you could take eight-year-old-you to and both of you would have the time of your lives. Or, you know, your girlfriend. Whatever.

The GOGO Festival is the weekend of June 17th, and tickets are available at www.gogofestival.com, and as of right now early bird specials and VIP tickets are still available. Get on it, girl! And let us know if you’re going – the AS team can’t necessarily make it, but that doesn’t mean we don’t want to hear all about it. Go forth and party, lesbians of the UK.

BBC3 Renews “Lip Service” Because What’s Not to Love About Lesbians?

BBC 3 has announced that they will be picking up Lip Service — aka It’s Never Sunny in Glasgow — for a second season, which means you’ll get to see that hot cop again that you’re all so obsessed with!

Writer/creator Harriet Braun says, “I am incredibly happy to be given this opportunity to take the characters forward and to allow all of our loyal viewers a chance to get to know them even better. I’ve got some great twists, turns and surprises up my sleeve for series two.”

“Acting Controller” Harry Lansdown says, “I’m delighted to announce there will be a second series of Lip Service; a deserved return for both the drama and its fantastically loyal following.”

Says “Executive Producer of Kudos Film and Television” Derek Wax: “Lip Service was a
wonderful series to make, and we were overwhelmed by the hugely enthusiastic response from the audience. Kudos are thrilled at the prospect of making a second series with Harriet Braun, and proud to be setting out once again on this adventure in Glasgow with our wonderful cast and team. We are of course delighted by the BBC’s continued support for the series.”

Probably another motivating factor is that the show garnered pretty impressive ratings — the first episode, which debuted on October 12, drew in 580,000 viewers and then more on BBC HD. A lot of people freaked out because someone fucked in a morgue and you know lesbians are crazy!

Speaking of the show’s premiere in The Guardian, Claudia Cahalane expressed what many thought about The L Word when it premiered:

“For too long, lesbians have been perceived as unfashionable, miserable and ugly. Those types do exist, of course, just as they do in the straight world, but they should no more define us than they do straight girls. If I were to make one criticism based on the first episode, it’s that perhaps the most frequently seen type of woman on the gay scene, the sexy butch – think Rhona Cameron – is not represented at all. I know Lip Service’s lady-loving writer Harriet Braun has said she wasn’t trying to represent all lesbians, but modern butches like this are very popular in the lesbian world and if we don’t see any in the first series it will show a lack of guts. It will also annoy lots of gay girls.”

We are anticipating more of this kind of thing…

DEFINITELY more of this girl …

More of this…

And,  you know. Lots of character development.

Also we would like to request an episode entitled “Frankie Goes to Hollywood.” We need someone to mashup this scene:

…with this scene:

Okay? Okay good. Otherwise Sam will come after you:

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE IN SEASON TWO OF LIP SERVICE?!

Lip Service Episode 106 (FINALE!) Recap: The Hangover

Let me start off by sharing my number one observation of this episode: holy mother of Bushmills, there was a lot of day-drinking in this episode, wasn’t there? I mean, first Frankie starts knocking back whiskey shots in the middle of the afternoon, then Ed has his boozy lunch meeting with the publisher, then Jay and Tess get wine-buzzed in an elevator…

It’s an appropriate theme when you think about it, considering that everything went completely to hell last week: Frankie and Jay’s tryst got outed (and also Frankie gets fired by the creepy, homophobic boss for covering Jay’s ass), Ed professed his love for Tess and failed miserably, Tess got really bad Botox, the birthday party was an epic, Wild West-style fail and everything sucks.

So now we’re in the final episode, which means we have just under an hour to tie up all these terrible loose ends. However shall Harriet Braun do it? Well, let’s take it by character arc:

+

Frankie/Cat/Sam:

If we move in together we can do this all day every day

+

It’s the morning after the disastrous Showdown at the BAC Corral. Sam and Cat, the only ones who got laid last night, are cuddling in bed. Sam’s landlord is still on her ass about payments, so Cat offers her the chance to join U-Haul Nation.

When Frankie finds out about the matter, she makes a joke about Cat not being the “U-Haul type,” and really? It took until the sixth episode for a U-Haul joke? You’d think a show with this many stereotypes/Important Lesbian Cultural Signifiers would’ve gotten to that sooner.

I Miss You Now, I Guess Like I Shoulda Missed You Then

+

Frankie invites Cat out for a drink and a talk at the Trans-Europe Planet Café (which by the way, is an actual place you can go to in Glasgow, as Google has just informed me, so let the Lip Service tourism industry boom commence!). She professes her undying love for Cat, who, understandably, resists. And Cat gets to the heart of the matter really quickly: “You’re always ready ‘til you get what you want. And then you have to fuck it up.”

Back at the Den of Monogamy, Sam wants Cat to finally meet her friends, including some guy named Ryder, which means he’s either “rugged” or probably “a douche” or “owns a significant moving truck empire.” Cat does this thing again (as with the party last night), where she, in a flurry of guilt and feelings, tries to jump Sam’s bones on the kitchen counter.

Sam Looks Very Junior Varsity Today

+

Frankie copes in a similar manner, by which we mean whiskey in the middle of the day and making out with a guy in the bathroom (but stopping him when he gets too handsy).

Eye Makeup Appropriately Smudged? Check. Also look how much taller I am than this guy

+

In walks creepy, drug dealin’ Darren, which means we’re finally going to get to know the Super Secret Mystery of Frankie’s Past That Has Been Keeping Us On The Edge Of Our Seats. He takes her back to the boxing studio and gives her that photo album she’s been looking for. After some prying and ambiguous language, we find out Alma Carter is, in fact, Frankie’s mother, and Darren’s mother too.

Frankie spends a lot of time brooding and perusing the photos. Like most of us, Child Frankie was chubby and had a bizarre, how-did-anyone-think-this-was-cute-oh-my-gawd haircut. She finds a photo of her with Uncle Cam, where she is identified as ‘Eleanor’ instead of ‘Shane.’

+

It’s enough to confront the old man again.

Luke, I am your father

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Turns out — and sorry for those who haven’t seen the episode and can’t handle the awesome power of this shocking twist — Uncle Cam is Frankie’s real dad. He hid the identity of her mother because of her criminal past, and used the death of his other relatives as a cover-up. Mystery solved. And he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for his meddling Shane.

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Now totally distraught, Frankie’s flying back to New York. But before she goes, she has Jay, in a rather heated confrontation with Cat, deliver her a package. It’s the engraving of their initials, taken from the wall of their old school, and a card with the inscription “Some things weren’t meant to be destroyed.” Cat, propelled by the awesome power of feeeelings, rushes over to say goodbye to her lost love.

Some things don’t deserve to be destroyed like this piece of wood, and the rainforest

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And finally — shocker — Frankie and Cat kiss. Someone cue the Paula Cole.

And Now Our Bodies Are the Guilty Ones

And because it’s this show, kissing leads to a whole lot more — including the Triumphant Return of Frankie’s Patented Leg-Sawing Motion — beautifully backlit and set to the all-too-fitting music of The XX (“After you/had you seen me with someone new/hanging so high for your return…”).

Revealed. Cat and Frankie are a couple because Frankie is a closet bottom and is only out to Cat

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The passion in this scene is at once cinematic and weirdly believable (certainly more than any scene with Sadie). And it’s mega-hot. Frankie is in tears at the end. And so are we. She asks Cat if she loves Sam. She nods. She asks Cat if she still loves her. She nods again, and then leaves to meet Sam and that Ryder guy at the pub, where she just looks exhausted and guilty the whole time.

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HERE CHECK IT OUT:

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It’s now the next morning. Sam makes breakfast in bed. Cat is trying to keep it together, and it’s clear she’s going to stay with Sam, but you know the longing for her lost blonde love is still lingering.

Must make sure my hair is properly ruffled to meet my mother for the first time

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The last scene of the finale involves Frankie, set to the sweet, sweet strains of Beth Orton, standing in the doorway greeting a woman we presume to be Alma Carter. They smile, knowingly, through tears. And for once, Frankie’s world is at a shaky peace.

Hello Mom, I’m your Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb

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Tess/Fin:

Tess begins the episode still bitter, embarrassed and unable to talk to Ed. Ed looks especially strange via fisheye lens, and furthermore, still has a penis. Not the kind you strap on, but the kind that you think with.

Look Me in the Eyes and Tell Me You Don’t Want my Bad Romance

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Then a package arrives at the flat, clearly not for her, because it does not appear as though Tess has ever handled a power tool in her life. It’s obviously for Fin, her attractive, sorta-butch neighbor.

Still dejected but needing to get out of the house, she meets up with Jay and offers to accompany him to the pub before he goes and has a long talk with Becky. En route, she gets a call from her agent, saying she’s got a last-minute audition for a lead role in Uncle Vanya. And then, with perfect timing, the elevator gets stuck with her and Jay in it. We have now gone, in one fell swoop, from season finale to bottle episode.

I hope neither of us is a secret axe murderer

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Luckily, in the name of deux ex machina, Ed comes along, but he refuses to help until he and Tess get that whole awkward last night thing sorted out. He comes in with the whole emotional “I still want to be friends, we can watch YouTube together and stuff” speech. They make up, he opens the elevator and everyone dashes toward their next objective.

Now I Gotcha Right Where I Wantcha

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Tess makes her audition, with a ride and a pep talk from Ed. She makes up some totally bollocks story about going to L.A. for pilot season, using the premise for Ed’s book as the pilot. I personally thought her delivery was a little flat, but she made it through an audition without crying or screaming at the casting director, so that’s an improvement.

Somehow, she gets the lead. And does the stereotypical rom-com girly freakout when she gets the news.

And O, the blessings keep rolling in. Fin arrives, looking for her missing drill. She blames the missing drill on her “cousin.” Fin has a long night of fixing electrical problems ahead of her, so Tess offers to come with her on what will totes obvs be the most romantic first date ever.

Speaking of Drilling, These Are My Fingers

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Turns out, it is. We find out Fin went to art school (jewelry and silversmithing, with a minor in being totally rad), and she even gives Tess a sample of her work, which we would actually wear, unlike most “crafty” things made by characters on the teevee. They talk, and talking leads to touching out on a snowy balcony, and touching leads to cuddling the next morning. Awww.

Baby You Can Light My Electrical Fire

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It is Tess, our bumbling, charming Tess, who gets the neatest, tied-in-a-bow happy ending. She has a leading role and a new leading lady. She’s come the farthest in terms of circumstances, from lonely, jilted and perpetually unemployed to happily in love and doing what she loves. Remember, dear readers, good things come to those who wait.

HAHA I WIN

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The Guys:

The last time I held you in my arms was way more fun

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Not that anyone really cares about what happens to Jay, but he spends most of the episode either moping because he self-sabotaged or getting chewed out by his lady-friends. His confrontation with Becky doesn’t go much better. Alas, he will have trouble letting go of his horndog ways. It’s an uphill battle, Jay, but someday, you will triumph.

Ed gets the book deal for his Epic Space Pirate Love Affair Drama or whatever, and the suit he lunches with is already talking about film rights and the possibilities of banging sci-fi fans, HELLO COSPLAY!

Nice Novel, Wanna Bang?

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He’s ecstatic, but he wants to tell Tess first. After counsel from Big Sis about how Tess needs to be “weird and angry” for a while and how falling in love with your best friend is TOTALLY NORMAL EXCEPT IT MESSES YOU UP FOR A WHILE, he finds her in an elevator, they make up, and all is well.

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Conclusion:

Well, our lovely Glaswegian drama is over. Some of you might have loved it, others hated it, others watched it merely for the lulz (or the boobs). There were definitely some things to admire about Lip Service, and we’re not just talking about Ruta Gedmintas. Sure, it was overwrought and some of the characters were written more as plot devices than as complex people (Jay never really leaves behind his Horndog-With-A-Heart-of-Gold-Sort-of shtick, for example). And yes, there were a lot of stereotypes/obvious cultural signifiers (but there’s truth to some of them — we’ve all creeped on exes on Facebook and gotten indignant when they use photos we’ve taken as their profile pictures, or, you know, not).

I agree with our dear friend Dorothy Snarker, who makes a really good point that, despite all the clichés, what sets Lip Service apart and makes it admirable is the fact that it’s a show about relationships first and the characters just happen to be gay, as opposed to constantly reminding viewers that it’s about gay relationships. Sure, there was the clandestine relationship with Lou and Ed’s little Chasing Amy moment, but you take the Frankie-Cat-Sam story arc and develop those same characters but give them different (or no!) genders, and it would still have the same effect. A relationship is a relationship is a relationship. And people can talk about it, calmly, without prefacing who it’s with.

Our friend/Autostraddler Scribegrrl pointed out:

In my last post on the subject, I noted that the characters on the show are too busy being gay to talk about being gay. I think that might be the natural result of social and legal validation: in the UK, gay people are people. They can carry on doing people-y things without feeling like second-class citizens. When you’re able to form a legal union, have full access to the courts, and can even consider (as I hope Cat’s considering) filing a harassment complaint against your heterophobic boss, you feel like you matter. You see yourself as equal. Normal. Real.

Plus, if nothing else, it was entertaining. There was the whole photo album MacGuffin thing going on, lots of relationship drama, friendship drama, sex involving strap-ons, everything a painfully addictive show needs.

So, who’s ready for a trip to Glasgow?

Lip Service Episode 105 Recap: Like a Strap-On Without the Strap

Hi! Welcome to the Lip Service Episode 105 recap, which I turned in about five days late. Just in time for the next episode to air! Some of these screencaps are from the Lip Service Fansite. Big up to those ladies. OKAY LET’S GET STARTED WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

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Heyyy Good morning Frankie!

Frankie is always Tumblr-Ready

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Last night, in case you don’t remember after all that coke and booze, you slept with Jay, and Tess saw. Before getting out of her bed and sitting on its edge in her standard thinking-hard-about-my-life pose, Frankie takes some time to flick through some photos on her camera, which is a great way to remember what happened when you don’t remember what happened. Frankie sees a picture of Jay and um, remembers what happened. I hope she doesn’t get preggers, you know how men are.

O-O-O-KLAHOMA WHERE THE WIND COMES RUSHING DOWN THE SOMETHING!

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And, in the age old tradition of this show, we are showed some early morning cunnilingus within the first 30 seconds, followed by Sam telling Cat that she loves her and Cat telling Sam that she has to go to work, which is slightly off topic.

This Almost Looks Like Dana Fairbanks Kissing Jill Bennett

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So there you go. Sam loves Cat, and Cat likes that Sam loves her. At least Cat didn’t respond: “I think I could fall in love with you.”

So, Ed wrote an alien book about his unrequited love for Tess and Tess doesn’t realize it’s about her because she’s distracted by her fit neighbor — you know, the one who so far has no dialogue and is the only butch and/or woman of color on the show. Do you want to know how butch she is? She’ s an electrician, and she drives a truck! (Hot right)

I See You Baby. Shaking that Ass.

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When Tess asks Frankie about her romp in the hay with Jay, Frankie delivers possibly the best line of the season, re: “having sex with a dude”

“What? It’s just like a strap-on without a strap!”

Tess tells Ed who promises not to tell anyone which means he will. Meanwhile Frankie and Jay have a pissing contest over who can be the bigger morning-after asshole and agree to pretend it never happened.

In happier news, Tess’s 30th birthday is coming up! In addition to the cowboys-and-indians themed surprise party he’s throwing together, Ed has made her a present to add to the towering pile of glaringly obvious evidence of his glaringly obvious love for her:

This is the picture I picked out for January, just wait til you see JUNE!….

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Tess: Look at your pasty little chest.

Cat & Frankie snag a suspiciously convenient Important Architectural Assignment, which involves taking photos of their old high school so it can be converted into condos like Melrose Place.

Remember That Time You Said You Were a Falcon and Jumped off the Roof? That was Weird

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They’re getting increasingly flirty with each other as the writers try to convince us that they were actually once a bona fide couple with chemistry (they’re actually mildly successful with this), resulting in lyrical gems such as:

Frankie: I remember it being even bigger than this.
Cat: I think we were just smaller. Well, I was.
Frankie: I remember you being pretty well developed.

So now we get it — Frankie is the hot bad girl, and Cat is the good girl, and together they probably have really important sex.

Smize For Me Baby

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They scope out the places where they used to perv on each other from afar, where they met in detention and carved their initials into a door frame, and amidst all the distraction of the nostalgic montage where Frankie takes photos of Cat in hallways with the happy guitar music, they forget to put out a cigarette and properly smoke out an old classroom.

Remember the time the nuns told us we were all going to hell?

I Used to Have a Life Once

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Tess is trying to get her life on track in time for her thirtieth and Ed is getting a big Literary Contract. This is highly upsetting for Tess because she wants to Make It Big, too, so she lies about having a gazillion auditions.

The Alley of Our Discontent

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Sadie’s unimpressed with Frankie because when a girl gets high in the bath with you and then lets you watch her shave, that means forever. It’s like diamonds. But Frankie doesn’t invite Sadie in, so Sadie is sad. Also Sadie is getting progressively more good-looking, has anybody noticed that.

Rear-View Mirror Symbolism

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Cat is having relationship issues with Sam ’cause Sam said I love you and Cat did not say it back. As Sam explains to her police partner while they’ re staking out a factory and doing other important police work:

“ Saying ‘ I love you’ is like a gun fight. If you draw first, you better not miss.”

Got that? Got it.

another scene where frankie doesn’t make out with anyone

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In the land of family issues, Frankie follows the trail left by key chains and boxing gyms to a purdy little suburban block of flats, where the boy from the estate with the marijuana lives. Her uncle is there and he’ s angry, apparently about marijuana boy getting high with Frankie and Jay that one time. It’s a mystery, but maybe there’ s a connection to Frankie’ s past. “Who am I?” she thinks. “Am I Francesca? Am I Shane? Am I really really really good looking?” Really you can see the wheels turning in her brain, she’s thinking really hard.

Remember that incident with Jay and the Hot Intern and the ketamine in the bathroom? The big angry homophobic boss is giving Cat a hard time about it, and now she’ s gone and set a building on fire. Frankie sees her chance to get in Cat’ s good books/vaginal canal and ends up taking responsibility for everything, including the high intern. Such a Shaney move. She gets fired, obvs, and Cat looks good now b/c she warned her boss about Frankie.

Speaking of fire, Tess manages to lure the butchy electrician into her apartment on the premise of having blown a fuse of some sort. This seems like an ill-fated plan.

Yeah I think i have a spark plug up my vadge if you could fix it for me?

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And yes, just as our Lesbelectrician gets into the apartment, Tess’s ex-girlfriend Chloe calls and Lesbelectrician picks up.

I’m K-K-Kinda Busy

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Remember Chloe? She’s the Gabby Devoux of Lip Service and in the first episode she was giving her girlfriend head while Ed and Tess hid under the bed? Yeah she has big news for Tess, it’s heads-or-tails at this point if it’s going to be an engagement, a wedding, or a baby, or all three. And the potential New Girlfriend is outta there because ex-girlfriends are like anthrax.

It’s Friday, Tess’s birthday! THE BIG 3-0! LOOK AT THIS HAPPY FACE!

I wish there was an Autostraddle Meet-up in Glasgow so i could meet a new girlfriend

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The special day has arrived! All of her friends have cleverly invented tales of work, concert tickets, etc., to convince her that nothing, absolutely NOTHING is happening on her birthday, not a cake, not some drinks, not a flat full of cowgirls and sexy Pocahontases, just a lonely thirty-year-old on her way to see her ex-girlfriend.

This would be a good moment to say “BUT I SLEPT WITH A TV STAR!”

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Chloe doesn’t want to say happy birthday or anything, no, she just wants to flash her big fat engagement ring in Tess’ s face and recommend botox.

This is definitely the worst birthday in a while, but it gets worse. On top of the engaged ex, the turning thirty sans friends and the non-starter acting career, Tess decides to get some birthday botox and gets a teeny lil’ reaction to it which makes her face swell up so she looks like she’s taken a beating. Ouch.

Dirty Thirty

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Ed chases down a teary, bruisy-eyed Tess and at the sight of her being upset and vulnerable, is overwhelmed with the need to express his unbridled, heterosexual love for her. He’s inspired by Frankie’s sexual fluidity.

Ed: I love you.
Tess: Aw, I love you too, Ed.
Ed: No, no. I love you like a man loves a woman.

Coincidentally, Tess wrote off being loved by a man like a man loves a woman about fifteen years ago. She takes this badly, because she’ s very emotional and now she thinks that the only reason Ed is friends with her is because he wants to get into her pants, and her pants are homosexual pants, and so she runs off towards home.

You know, home. Currently occupied by a lot of dressed-up, liquored-up gay people. Frankie is ostentatiously snogging Sadie, interspersed with dark, brooding looks in Cat’ s direction.

Cat looks supercute, and Sam makes a rather sexy sheriff.

Little do they know everything is about to go, horribly, horribly awry, or as they say in Glasgow, tits up. Becky struts right up to Frankie and asks if Sadie is the one who stole her necklace way back when. She throws in some gratuitous snark about how Cat is taken now which is interrupted by Ed calling to say Tess is on her way, though he leaves out that she’s in a really terrible mood.

SURPRISE YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DO A LOT OF DISHES TOMORROW

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They do the whole “SURPRISE!!” thing anyway, which sends Tess scurrying to her room to lie on her bed and lock the door, Angela Chase style. Ed rushes in after her and declares that he has declared his love. Then disaster strikes:

Jay: No wonder you never pull. You do realize she’ s gay?
Ed: Didn’t stop you with Frankie, did it?
Becky: Is that where you were the other night?

Hi I’m the Other Straight Guy On This Show

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Becky is understandably upset/done. But so is Cat, who shoots Frankie a sad look across the room, like the look Carmen gave Shane when she brought home those two blondes. What a floozy.

But They Already Put You on the Cast Poster, There’s No Backing Out Now

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Sadie’s no fool either ’cause she knows Frankie wants Cat, not her, so she pushes Frankie away from her and eventually leaves in tears.

Cat goes home with Sam to finally say “I love you” back, but in a way that we can tell is insincere. Not the best circumstances really.

I Won’t Be Left Dancing Alone To Songs From the Past

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So, to sum up, Jay and Becky are breaking up, Frankie broke Cat’ s and Sadie’ s hearts, Tess is crying in her room and hates Ed, Becky hates Frankie, Jay hates Ed, Sam still deeply dislikes Frankie. Basically every character is crying or seriously pissed off just in time for the last episode! See you next week folks I MEAN TOMORROW BECAUSE I TURNED IN THIS RECAP SO LATE.

Next Week:

Hey Lesbos, Do You Like “Lip Service,” Like Really Really Like It?

LIKE LIP SERVICE BUT REAL:

Hey are you into Lip Service or at least our recaps of it? Someone out there is really banking on it, so, if you haven’t gotten into it yet, just be aware that there may soon be a “Lip Service Valentine’s Special” where you and your lady can enjoy a romantic holiday in scenic Glasgow. Yes. This is how we live now. (@scotlandonsundays)

Based around the Merchant City, which it describes as “the city’s gay quarter”, the two-night package in February will include dinner at the Hummingbird on Bath Street, where the characters Cat and Sam have their first date, VIP passes to “Scotland’s hottest gay club” – the Polo Lounge, which does not feature in the series – and a guide to theother cafés, bars and venues used as locations.

There are similar L Word-themed events, and they are almost embarrassingly successful in how they manage to monetize our collective obsession. Really the only question here is whether they’re jumping the gun – do we love Lip Service as much as they think we love Lip Service? Or as much as my tumblr dashboard would imply we love Lip Service? Is it me or is this really funny? Someone answer me. Do you even get to meet that girl who plays Frankie. I don’t think you do.

GLEE:

Apparently the gayest episode of Glee to date was also by some metrics the most popular; Darren Criss’s cover of “Teenage Dream” is the best-selling single the show has ever had. This is nice not only on a vague psychological level because it means that America enjoys having a boy tell Chris Colfer to put his hands on him in his skintight jeans, but because apparently Glee donates money to the Harvey Milk school? Did everyone else already know this? “…some of those funds might be going toward paying the salary of a counselor of Harvey Milk School in NYC — a job that was eliminated due to budget cuts, but which Glee is underwriting (in addition to $25k in scholarship funds) so gay students are better equipped.” In case you haven’t already had the song stuck in your head all week, here it is again. (@queerty)

LINDSAY LOHAN:

LiLo is out of actual rehab and staying in a “sober house,” with all of her comings and goings approved by program directors. One of those outings is to a magazine shoot this week, which is her first work sort of thing since being readmitted. Also, ONTD has a lot of pictures of her moving from her house to her car, if that’s the kind of thing you’re into. (@ontd)

GAY NASCAR:

Is there a word for a gay NASCAR fan? Gayscar? Anyways this guy started a website for them, Queers4Gears.com, and we’re trying really hard not to make a joke about how all six queer NASCAR fans now have a slice of the internet to call their own. Mostly this article is great because it contains the quote: “Nascar has more fans who are accepting of me being gay than gays have been accepting of me being a Nascar fan,” Myers said in a recent telephone interview.” (@nytimes)

FINNISH:

Finnish churches have approved a moment of silent prayerful meditation for gay partnerships and civil unions. I have no idea what that means in practical terms, but it seems like a good thing in general. (@advocate)

TRANS BARBIE:

In a really fantastic manufacturing error, thousands of dolls with male genitalia on female doll bodies were shipped to Lithuania. They will probably be recalled or something, I don’t know, but it’s still great that trans and intersexed kids were able to see themselves reflected in their playtoys for like five minutes. The revolution will come via manufacturing error. (@queerty)

ART:

The series Hide/Seek: Difference and Desire in American Portraiture at the National Portrait Gallery offers over 100 pieces of art done largely by queer artists and featuring almost exclusively queer subjects, one of the largest exhibitions ever focused on queer art and artists. It features artists like Jasper Johns, Georgia O’Keeffe, and Robert Mapplethorpe, and subjects like Walt Whitman and Susan Sontag. Click over to the NPR site for a really nice slideshow of 13 selected portraits – THERE IS ONE OF JAMES BALDWIN. @npr)

GAY BOLLYWOOD:

After delays caused by lack of support and wrangling with government censors, the Bollywood film Dunno Y… Na Jaane Kyun was released Friday as the first Bollywood film to deal explicitly with a gay relationship. The more recent hit comedy Dostana featured Bollywood stars Abhisheik Bachchan and John Abraham pretending to be in a relationship for laughs, but the new film features two male leads whose on-screen relationship is real, and who even have kissing and sex scenes (kissing onscreen even between men and women was completely forbidden in India until recently). One of the male leads, Yuvraaj Parashar, has been disowned by his family for his role, and both have received numerous threats. Check it out! (@advocate)

Lip Service Episode 104 Recap: On The Razor’s Edge

While most stateside Autostraddlers were glued to their TV sets and TweetDecks having lots of HULKSMASH!-type feelings about the election, we expats living in the British Isles were able to console ourselves by watching the latest installment of Lip Service, because there’s nothing that will make you—at least, temporarily — feel better about the Religious Right taking power than watching hot Scottish ladies hook up with each other.

Exhibit A

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Picking up from last week: Cat and Sam were a bit rocky because Cat still cares about Frankie, but they’re both still adorable anyway and do it on Sam’s office desk. Lou and Tess have a teary, awkward breakup, and Ed punched Lou’s douchey co-host in the face, and it was awesome. Frankie is still seeing Sketchy Sadie and now might also be dead/not really Frankie. Oh and apparently Republicans took the House.

Moving day arrives for Frankie and Tess, but in order to get Frankie back into the house alone with Cat, Tess left her mascara inside and so Frankie’s gotta be the butch and go fetch the thing. Then she’s gotta accidentally walk in on Sam in the shower. The verdict is in: this is the most awkward possible way that this could’ve happened.

This isn’t awkward for me at all. Because I’m a cop and could take you in a fight with a left hook and two cheeseburgers

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Frankie, undeterred, decides to try Cat’s room where Cat’s in her bra, putting on makeup. Is it the mascara? No.  Frankie is smirking. They shakily reconcile. Sam interrupts and borrows Cat’s leopard-print bra. The existence of said bra seems rather out of character for Cat — perhaps a throwback to her wilder days when she was still dating Frankie? Perhaps a gift from someone who gives really tacky gifts? Regardless, IT’S A SIGN, Y’ALL.

Adorable professional couple heads to their respective big days at the office in smashing coats and matching briefcases. Awwww/barf.

Executive Lesbian Briefcase Cuteness.

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They’re kissing in the alley when they spy a heterosexual creeping around (as heterosexuals are wont to do when they prey on innocents) and quickly disengage. It’s Cat’s boss, and he looks perturbed. This plotline is the first instance of issues surrounding homophobia and workplace discrimination we’ve seen on the show (other than Uncle Cameron).

At the office, Bossman confronts Cat about the intern/Ketamine incident. Like a bad ex-boyfriend, he’s found a way to take an unrelated but concrete problem and project it onto his abstract emotional discomfort about some aspect of Cat’s behavior or personality to seem legitimate and deserving of your ear. Why didn’t Cat notice that the Intern was a drug addict?!, he wants to know.

Alistair: And which of the noble Sapphic professions does sam belong to? Social worker, PE teacher, Freelance Yogurt-Maker?

Cat: She’s a detective sergeant.

IS FREELANCE YOGURT-MAKER A REAL JOB BECAUSE IF SO SIGN ME UP.

Then he asks Cat about Sam. Alistair’s subtle discomfort/Cat’s struggle to be out at work while Jay tries to bang the intern certainly feels more realistic than other Gay Witch Hunt workplace TV scenarios. I’m interested to see where the show takes things with it, and to what degree it will carry any kind of anti-discrimination message.

Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled Tess & Frankie and some really bad windblown hair.

There’s Something About Frankie.

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They move into the new flat, which Shady Sadie found for them, and it is posh as hell. There’s even a set of bongos, which aren’t particularly posh, but could be fun/irritating for house parties.

A desperate Tess, at Frankie’s urging, attempts to start Internet dating on a site where you can look for “Friendship,” “Fun” or “Fisting.” Obviously anyone in their right mind is saying “FISTING” right now, amirite?

Subtle product placement is subtle.

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Back at the office, Jay wants Cat to take the fall for the intern’s foray into drugs, and Frankie just DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. She’s got this death certificate thing she can’t get over.

Cat, sensing something is awry, goes with Frankie to The Planet UK Trans-Europe Café to get the problem out of her.

Cat: Frank, fuck. This is — so — you’re not who they said? who they told you you were. It’s a total mindfuck.

Frank: Yeah yeah it is. But you know what, I’m not surprised.

Cat: Why’s that?

Frankie: I always knew that there was something they weren’t telling me. Some secret. Conversations would stop when I walked into room, closed doors and whisperings–

Cat: I’m just trying to make sense of it. This, and the photo album. So who is she? Your aunt wanted her to have the photos. Do you think she could be your mother? Your real mother?

So Frankie might not really be Frankie. Which means Frankie might actually be… wait for it…

…. SHANE!

Shit is getting real.

Anyhow, Cat asks Frankie if she wants Sam to do some “detective work” for Frankie because she’s a “detective.” Cat says Sam is her first “real adult relationship” which hurts Frankie’s feelings but actually should make her feel good because it means her skin is very taut and she’s maintaining her youthful vigor.

GOTTA DO SOMETHING WITH MY HANDS BESIDES PUT THEM INSIDE LOU

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Aaaand another serious moment diffused by KNITTING! Tess’ attempts to get “back on the scene” aren’t going much better than Frankie’s attempt to “discover her true identity.” But after a day of panning for gold in the sea of sketchballs and fauxmosexuals, she settles (because nothing makes you appreciate a tasty microbrew like weeks of drinking Miller High Life) with the first non-threatening, semi-attractive (by which we mean Cyndi Lauper-meets-Alice-from-the-Brady-Bunch) lesbian who isn’t on the site for attention, to ‘experiment’ or please her man.

So Tess goes on this date and everything seems hunky dory (especially the hot girl at the bar who hits on Tess and tells her she looks familiar)…

I See You baby. Shaking that ass. Shaking that ass.

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She returns to the home of the lady to make out instead of that girl up there what is confusing.

… until she gets home and undressed to find her date’s husband, Dougie, sitting there and eager to watch. Ick.

If I Hear the Term “She’s not bisexual, she’s bi-curious” one more time I’m going to get bi-furious

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So not only does Tess fail to have a meaningful joyless hookup, but she ends up having to provide couples therapy on her way out.  RELATIONSHIP ADVICE on the way out. Oh, Tess. Will you ever win?

Actually, she might, because later on A CHALLENGER APPEARS and catches her eye. Why hello there new girl in wifebeater from the bar earlier.

Oh I’m just over here in my wifebeater with my breasts lookin’ hot

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Although she and Hanes Herway are clearly going to hook up because when you shoot a close-up that mimics the Hungry Lesbian Longing Gaze, it’s totes foreshadowing.

Meanwhile, Ed is on a date with a girl in his creative writing class. They both love Philip Roth. This would be adorable if they weren’t both so painfully awkward. Ed also brings up Tess at least twice. Someone has unrequited feeeeelings (and isn’t it usually crushing on the gay guy on TV? This is an exciting twist, sort of. Not really. But Ed is still adorable.).

Also back at the office, the straight guy has a bill he can’t pay for something and Frankie’s hair looks as it usually does.

Coffee, Tea or Me? (Answer: Yes Please.)

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Breakfast in bed! Not only is this another instance of Sam and Cat Being Adorbz, but it’s Cat’s way of acting on her guilty conscience for having lied to Sam about who she was gathering intelligence for (by “a secretary,” she meant “Frankie.”). Turns out the name from the address Frankie had been creeping on was an alias for Alma Carter, a small-time criminal and possibly Frankie’s real mother. Cat is really stressed. Also, IT’S LUNCH WITH THE FAMILY DAY SHE JUST REMEMBERED! The opportunities for stress are boundless!

FESTEN

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We meet the folks at Cliché Posh Restaurant and discover that, among other things, Cat’s mom seems to totally favor Ed — the struggling, barely-employed writer is a “free spirit,” while Cat is put down for needing years of expensive training for her degree. She also says some pretty spectacular things about thinking Cat is autistic. She also mentions that Tess and Ed would make the perfect couple. Ed brings this up to Tess later. Awkward.

Later on, eaten alive by The Guilt!, Cat finally confesses to Sam that the information she wanted was for Frankie. Sam already knew, obvs. And then they make out in a cab (see first image). All is well in Sam and Cat Land. Sam tells Cat to be careful because the driver “reads the Daily Mail.” Cat don’t care.

Yes, in fact I DO feel that I can handle the truth

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Frankie goes to confront Uncle Cameron, who obviously knows too much. He refuses to tell her anything, tells her to stop asking questions and also he is greeted by his new lady-friend who is wearing a lavender bathrobe. Dude. Dude.

Damn, Frankie. Shane’s got nothing on your emotional turmoil. Also, is Uncle Cameron’s sole purpose on the show to just be totally awful and an old-man foil for Frankie? Will we see any other character development with him at all? Signs point to ‘No.’

This was supposed to be screenshot of Frankie doing lines of coke but I couldn’t get it right

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A now totally distraught Frankie meets up with Sadie, who has the keys to a client’s posh apartment for the night. Bottles begin popping, powders are snorted. Oh, Sadie, your life is a never-ending game of ‘Illegal, Or Just Frowned Upon?’

Frankie is still distraught (as one could imagine) and for a moment, ponders jumping off the balcony (at which point you could hear the entire lesbian population of Glasgow screaming ‘NOOOOOOO!’ at their telly sets).

Don’t Step Off From That Ledge My Friend

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Sadie stops her, and then they get naked. In someone else’s bathtub. How the hell is Sadie a successful realtor when she keeps pulling stunts like this? I don’t even. So Frankie and Shady Sadie start canoodling in the bathtub and, based on the strap-on bit two episodes back, you know things are about to get a little bit freakier.

Tell Me Frankie Have You Ever Been Toed?

Like, you know, shaving. Yup, Frankie asks Sadie to shave in front of her. Sadie suggests that she keep a landing strip but Frankie wants to go for the whole enchilada. Then Frankie pulls out the camera. Frankie isn’t going to be the Annie Lebowitz of architecture, however, she’s gonna be the Annie Lebowitz of Shick.

This is a thing that happens. Behold, Gillette’s new marketing campaign!

I’m Your Venus, I’m Your Fire

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As one can imagine, this does not end well. The neighbor comes by to feed the fish and our razor-happy duo gets caught.

Shane For Wax

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So Frankie is wasted, Ed is heartbroken and Jay didn’t get his mortgage. The dejected retinue are then left to take comfort in one another. And also more booze. And drugs.

So basically it’s like Friends, but with hallucinogens.

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And then, this happens:

Well then. Goodnight.

This ending leaves us with a whole lot of unanswered questions, like:

+ What’s gonna happen with Jay and Becky (or, conversely, Frankie and Sadie/Frankie and anyone)?
+ When are Tess and that girl gonna hook up?
+ Will Ed ever find twue wuv?
+ Will Frankie uncover the truth about her past?
+ Does anyone actually do any work at the architectural firm?

Tune in next week for the answers to these questions, and hopefully so much more.