WELL THEN: Cool Mom and Wolves Who Raised Kristen Stewart Approve Of Her Girlfriend Alicia Cargile
In today’s issue of the Sunday Mirror, Kristen Stewart’s mom Jules Stewart publicly acknowledged her daughter’s relationship with VFX producer Alicia Cargile and her daughter’s relationship with wolf packs. She’s very cool with Alicia, by the way, because she’s a cool Mom. As a Hollywood script supervisor and director who raised her four kids in show business, Jules Stewart is down with her gay friends and family members and thinks her daughter should love whoever she wants.
The article continues with a laundry list of quotes we all wish our parents had used when we came out, instead of shrugging and saying, “Oh, I guess you do own a lot of Joan Jett records” like mine did. For example:
“I feel like people need to be free to love whoever they want. I accept my daughter loves women and men. It’s OK to be who you are in my world. We all choose our friends so we should be free to choose our lovers.. People are good to do whatever they like as long as they’re not hurting people or breaking the law. What’s not to be accepting about her now having a girlfriend? She’s happy. She’s my daughter, I’m just her mom so she knows I would accept her choices.”
Although it’s unclear how comfortable Kristen and Alicia are with Kristen’s mother discussing her relationship with the press (“MOOOOOOOM!!!!”), it’s lovely to see a parent be so supportive of their child’s choices, especially since Jules doesn’t seem to view her daughter’s sexuality as a big deal. Stewart adds that she’s met Alicia Cargile, and declares her “a lovely girl.” Nothing wrong with a couple of gals being pals!
Jules also had some things to say about her daughter’s apparent affection for martial arts: “I’m very sad that Kristen and Robert didn’t have a chance to be alone together, they had to have the whole world with them and all the public stuff ruined everything, life became overwhelming. But Kristen has learnt to handle her emotions and deal with her problems through the martial arts.”
More importantly, we got insight into Kristen’s relationship with wolves. We learn that Jules Stewart has been raising wolf dogs since Kristen was very young, and just today began showcasing a series of paintings, “The Wolf Collection,” with all proceeds being donated to Wolf Connection. Since a (dubiously-principled) zookeeper boyfriend gifted a then-17-year-old Stewart with a wolf cub, she’s felt a strong connection to wolves and has kept them around ever since; she currently owns four and the dogs currently have the run of her Santa Monica ranch. “They chew my shoes and open the fridge and help themselves. They start howling and jumping around when they see me.”
“Kristen loves the wolves. She grew up with them, the animals are family to her,” says Jules.
It’s on the internet so it must be true
This explains where Kristen got her wild enthusiasm.
As far as this author is aware, luminescent vampire Robert Pattinson has retained custody of the former couple’s two dogs, Bernie and Bear. This author has no idea why she remembered any of this, and wonders what important information relevant to her own life she forgot in order to retain this useless fact. Last year, it was rumoured that Jules had gotten Kristen a wolf puppy as a surprise gift for her 24th birthday, which may or may not have changed into human form and become the woman we currently recognize as Alicia Cargile.
When asked by the Sunday Mirror how they felt about Kristen’s relationship with confirmed babe Alicia Cargile, the wolves replied, “AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOoOOOOO!!!” They later added that Cargile sometimes gives them treats and scratches them behind the ears, so they support this relationship.
When we mused about what it would be like to date Kristen Stewart, none of us really thought it’d involve this much karate or this many wolves. Alicia Cargile is a lucky lady.
UPDATE: A lot of commenters have been up in arms over whether or not it was OK for Kristen’s mom to discuss her sexuality so openly with the press like that, especially since Kristen has never directly addressed her relationship or publicly acknowledged her orientation. Good news for you extra-compassionate weirdos; Jules Stewart has apparently told the renowned institution of journalism Us Weekly that she never mentioned Kirsten’s love life at all – she was merely talking about her wolf paintings and the Mirror happened to ask if she’d met Alicia. That sounds like a really weird segue for an interview, but what do I know? The comments are filled with brilliant insights about how Kristen’s “confusion” must have been to blame for the end of her relationship with Robert Pattinson, and how it’s no wonder she turned out so “mixed up and defiant” with a mother like that.
As of this time, there has been no official statement from the wolves. We will continue to stand by as this story unfolds.
UPDATE PART 2: The reporter who conducted the Mirror interview says she’s got the whole thing on tape, including the aforementioned statements regarding the disposition and intent of one Miss Kristen Stewart. The wolves remain tactfully silent, probably because there isn’t a full moon tonight, but just you wait.
Daily Fix: Taystee’s New Poster, Andrea Gibson’s New Interview, Your New Fave All-Girls Basketball Comedy and Other Stories
Hello, welcome to your weekly pop culture fix, I am your biweekly host who just watched the entirety of Empire at once and just wants to think about it forever. I want Cookie to be our CEO. Speaking of, look at Taylor Swift with Tiana!
https://instagram.com/p/2DGJZrDvEz/?taken-by=taylorswift
Okay, let’s begin!
Kristin Stewart Related “News”
+ Kristin Stewart is on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar UK’s June 2015 issue, which means she’s from the future. In the article, she talks about things like sexism in Hollywood and how much she hates being famous because fame is the worst. “Fame is the worst thing in the world,” said Kristen Stewart. “Especially if it’s pointless. When people say. “I want to be famous” – why? You don’t do anything.”
Here’s what you can do, though: you can wear this outfit:
via harper’s baazar
The Teevee
A lot of the news this week falls into the category of “I Don’t Care About The Future,” but we’re rolling with it!
+ Logo recently premiered a new Russell T. Davies project from across the pond: Cucumber and Banana. Banana is the part of the series about gay ladies and I think you might really enjoy it:
From the writer of Doctor Who and Queer as Folk, Russell T. Davies, comes Logo TV’s two newest series: Cucumber and Banana. The two interwoven drama series will explore 21st century gay life in all its powerful, witty, dark and uplifting guises through the lens of two disparate generations. The hour-long Cucumber will explore the lives and misadventures of Henry Best and his long-suffering boyfriend of nine years, Lance Sullivan. The half-hour Banana will follow the individual lives of younger characters orbiting around Henry’s world, telling stories of modern love – the romantic, the obsessed, the hopeful, the lonely, the lost, and the lucky.
+ Orange is the New Black made promotional posters out of your tweets. Wasn’t that nice of them?
+ Comedy Central has picked up a female basketball comedy based on the basketball league currently privileged to support the talents of Autostraddle’s own Brittani Nichols and Carly Usdin. Jeremy Konner, Amanda Lund, Maria Blasucci and the good folks from Jack Black’s Electric Dynamite are teaming up for the ensemble comedy, which “revolves around a group of misfit women in LA who find new leases on life through their less-than-stellar all-girls basketball team.” Hopefully it will be as funny as Brittani and Carly are!
+ The Bold and The Beautiful has cast an actual trans person to play a trans character — Scott Turner Schofield will play the “mentor” to transgender female character Maya (who is played by a cis woman). Schofield connected with TBATB folks when they reached out to him asking for his recommendations of transgender actors to help ‘flesh out’ their story. They ended up inviting him to take the part.
+ Viola Davis will play Harriet Tubman in an HBO biopic.
+ New York Magazine says that “Jenny Slate is reteaming with Obvious Child director Gillian Robespierre and writer Elisabeth Holm for an FX pilot about female friendship.” I don’t know who any of those people are, but Heather linked me to it and I trust her.
+ My best friend Law & Order SVU is already planning an episode about a transgender teenager for Season 17, according to this article which presents the concept as if Law & Order hasn’t already bungled a solid number of transgender stories in the past! Apparently this is newly relevant because Bruce Jenner. I will obviously tune in for it, as I tune in to every Law & Order SVU unless there’s a new Criminal Minds on at the same time.
+ Broad City’s Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer honored Amy Poehler at GildaFest ’15 on Monday, and Vulture has their speech for ya, which ponders the topic of “8 Reasons.”
People Talking To Other People and Also About Things
+ Did you want to read some words that Cara Delevingne said on a number of topics? You can!
“I’m a big, big, big believer in male and female equality. I want to do more in the future (to promote) feminism all the way. Men and women’s bodies are beautiful and should be completely equal. Subjects like female oppression should be taught at school and boys should know about it and learn to respect it.”
+ Did you want to see Tig Notaro interview Andrea Gibson? You can!
NOTARO: You were in a cow suit?
GIBSON: I was in a cow suit.
NOTARO: That does sound vaguely familiar.
+ Did you want to read Carmen Esposito write about her first kiss with a lady? YOU CAN!
My sophomore year I spent Spring Break on a solidarity trip to inner-city Kingston, Jamaica with a group of other social justice-y kids. We offered our time at a leper colony, a home for abandoned children, and a school. Probably nothing I did during that time had a lasting effect on the lives of the people I met, but the trip had a lasting effect on me. One of the social justice-y kids I traveled there with became my first girlfriend.
+ Did you want to read out writer Gina Sobol of “The Returned” talk about the show and its queer storyline and also how there are SO MANY QUEER WOMEN ON THE TEEVEE SET these days? YOU CAN!
I just wrapped on a show called Extant on CBS, which is also just like a kick-ass show for women, and now I’m reading all of the pilots of what is coming up next season. There are so many gay characters and queer characters—and I mean main characters or side characters—and I feel like we’ve moved into this new phase where it’s not a big deal: It just is, and we don’t have to do these big coming out stories.
+ Did you want to read Queen Latifah talk about the Bessie Smith film and also read her views on LGBT equality as if she has no personal stake in the matter? WELL NOW YOU CAN!
I’ve never done that before. It was a little odd but it was also a quiet, relaxing thing. Sometimes she was so alone, and it was a moment for Bessie to acknowledge her vulnerability, which I can completely relate to … I don’t find [this nude scene] any more uncomfortable than kissing a girl in Set It Off and sticking to the script. You have to take your mind off of yourself and honor that character. Respect Cleo, respect Bessie.”
I have loved Queen Latifah since I was first introduced to her at the Earth Day Concert in Boston in 1991, I bought “All Hail The Queen” on cassette the next day at the mall. I am ready for this Bessie Smith movie STAT.
ETC
+ A bunch of websites with fifty billion times more money than we have are using that money to make new video series for you, so that should be neat.
+ Laura Jane Grace covers Michael McDonald and The Cure IN MICHIGAN, MY HOME AND NATIVE LAND!
+ The Dissolve has a 2015 Summer Movie Preview for June. The Dissolve is my favorite website about movies, so.
+ Ten Groovy Facts About “The Jackson Five” Cartoon Series
+ Forever Alone: How Midcentury Movie Magazines Sold Marriage to Women: “Now we understand advertisements as subtly, subconsciously making people feel insecure so they’ll buy some solution. Back then, marketers were just discovering the buyer’s inner life, and they decided the surest way to reach it was to attack the outer self.”
+ Mattel has created a special edition Barbie of Ava DuVernay, the director of Selma! BUY ONE FOR YOUR DAUGHTER RIGHT NOW.
+ And, finally — the entire Beyonce discography, performed by only one man, Todrick:
Let’s Celebrate GalPalentines Day With Kristen Stewart, Taylor Swift, Angel Haze, Carrie Brownstein and Their Gal Pals
Happy 14th of February, bitter herbs! While sure, some of you will be spending your Saturday gazing lovingly into the eyes of your one and only as you slurp opposite ends of a strand of spaghetti Lady and the Tramp-style while “Can You Feel The Love Tonight” plays softly in the background, some of us are existing on an entirely different plane. Some of us mark this vicious holiday by celebrating our adorable relationships with our “gal pals,” laughing it up for the TMZ photographers who swell around us as we sunbathe resplendently on our extravagant yachts. Even if you and your gal pal are celebrating this year by eating chocolate on the couch and watching Netflix, we’re still excited about you. Assembled below are some of our favourite, most-speculated-about sets of affectionate gal pals, doing gal pal stuff all over town.
Angel Haze and Ireland Baldwin
Yo seriously you two, what the hell are you trying to pull? One minute Angel Haze releases “Candlxs,” the most sentimental love song we’ve all heard in a minute, and the next day they’re tweeting that they’ve broken up. I was legitimately more upset about this breakup than I’ve been about some of my own! Mere hours later, they’re Instagramming photos of the couple snuggling and videos of them dancing affectionately. Nothing can stop the infinite power of these two dedicated gal pals, or the ridiculous adorableness of their rescue dog. You guys had us so scared! Can you chill?! Can someone call Autostraddle HQ next time an emergency like this happens? This whole situation has given me heart palpitations.
https://twitter.com/AngelHaze/status/566441987516022784
Miley Cyrus and Joan Jett
I don’t know what exactly is going on here, but I support all of it. In my imagination, Miley is like, “Joan! I made you this delicious pot of red lentil soup and I’m really excited for you to try some!” and Joan is like, “Miley! That’s so thoughtful!” Later on, as they dip slices of pita bread into the soup, Joan will tell Miley all kinds of hilaaaarious stories about her youthful shenanigans in the Runaways. Oh, how they’ll laugh.
Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss
These two scoundrels! At it again! I admit I don’t know a whole lot about Taylor Swift besides the fact that she probably didn’t make out with this person at a 1975 concert a few months ago, but here she is in Vogue, going on an intimate road trip with her bestie! They bake cookies! They snuggle! They try on outfits! They drive around taking photos of themselves! These look like obnoxious engagement photos, but really it’s just Taylor and Karlie, having the time of their lives, reveling in the awesome power of their friendship! Stars: they’re just like us.
Typical.
Carrie Brownstein & Taylor Schilling
Questions have been pouring in lately about these two, mostly because it flew under the goddamn radar for so long. While the universe exploded over the revelation that Orange Is The New Black‘s Samira Wiley was dating one of the show’s writers (the resplendent Lauren Morelli), Taylor Schilling just strutted right into black-tie events on Carrie Brownstein’s arm, cool as a cucumber. What do you talk about when you’re dating really good friends with Carrie Brownstein? Wouldn’t you just stare adoringly into her perfect face and stumble over your words? Maybe you’d play it fast and loose like Yael Stone:
Yael Stone’s all “HEY GUYS! WHATCHA DOIN?!?! COUPLE STUFF?!?!? OH THAT’S COOL, I’LL JUST SLIDE IN RIIIIIGHT OVER HERE…”
Kristen Stewart and Alicia Cargile
The golden standard of gal pal-dom themselves, Kristen and Alicia have been spotted all over the place lately, chummy as ever! The UK’s Daily Mail took the time to admire Kristen and Alicia for just how goshdarn friendly they appeared walking through LAX, holding hands, probably discussing a trip to Claire’s for matching “BEST FRIENDS FOREVER” heart necklaces! Honestly, the way they describe Kristen’s outfit (using great pains to never refer to it as obviously homosexual) reminds me in a charming way of the way the Babysitter’s Club used to describe Claudia Kishi’s ensembles. Their special, intimate friendship is a beacon of hope for those of us who also hope to one day befriend Kristen Stewart… repeatedly.
(“Kiss From A Rose” plays in the distance) via INFPhoto.com
Three Looks Inspired By Kristen Stewart, She of Effortless Aplomb
Feature image via tumblr
Quite dashing and notoriously “gal pal”-ing, Kristen Stewart has been heavy on my mind of late. So, naturally, I’ve taken to stalking tumblrs dedicated to documenting her highly covetable (not to mention queer-friendly) style. A little secret: I find it very difficult to wear “normal” clothes. Kristen’s off-duty looks are essentially a master class in lookin’ delectable in simple basics. By some platonic female friend magic, K-Stew manages to be both relaxed yet on point in sneakers and band tees. Seemingly “normal” outfits like a white tee and jeans become instantly enviable. Apparently I should just be wearing a black crew neck and blue jeans every day, all day.
So how does one become a devastatingly tomboyish gal about town? No worries, you’ve got this. I’ve prepped a primer in mastering how to dress like Kristen. Spoiler: you probably already own all of these things and this will be so easy. I promise. Vacay in Hawaii avec gal pal not included.
Novice
photo from tumblr
I’m wearing a vintage anogora sweater, Old Navy jeans and leather Converse.
On this one I cheated a smidge. Instead of a standard cotton sweatshirt, I styled this look with a vintage angora sweater, which coincidentally has raglan sleeves This look is straightforward and easy to execute — you’ll look cooler-than-thou even if you are just poppin’ into the grocery store for some chowder.
Intermediate
photo from tumblr
I’m wearing a Topshop jean jacket, Old Navy shirt, thrifted leather tie, Old Navy jeans and thrifted lace up sneakers.
Although Avril Lavigne turned me off black ties for quite some time, this look was probably my favourite to recreate. The double denim gains a touch of formality with a button down and a simple tie. So goddamn comfortable, while still saying “I wear ties in the daytime, you know I’m the shit.”
Advanced
photo from tumblr
photo from tumblr
I’m wearing a thrifted blazer, Gap tee, Joe Fresh ponte pants and Joules oxfords.
Co-ords have been high on my must haves recently — there is something so sharp about having a look which features a very limited and specific palette. Kristen’s suited looks are eye-catching but still have that air of ease. Since I’m still on the hunt for a perfect pair of slacks, I styled my version with some tuxedo-striped ponte pants and a thrifted blazer that has fancy satin lapels. Toss on a white tee, some shiny oxfords, and you’ll be ready to hit up Stella McCartney’s latest presentation (or at least spend a night out on the town).
And there you have it: a starter’s guide to dressin’ like babe extraordinaire, Kristen Stewart. Do you have a favourite K-Stew ensemble that I missed? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!
EXCUSE ME: Kristen Stewart Has Maybe-Romantic Times On The Beach With Her Maybe-Girlfriend
It’s a new year, dear readers! How did you spend your New Years Eve? If you’re Kirsten Stewart, my loves, you entered 2015 on a Hawaiian beach, nestled in the soft embrace of your former assistant, confirmed babe Alicia Cargile.
According to these obviously tastefully-acquired photographs presented in the ever-tactful Daily Mail (which we decline to repost in this article due to our noble journalistic standards), the “gal pals” frolicked in the surf, changed outfits several times, held hands, walked around, smoked, looked surly, got things out of the car a couple of times and played that game with the tennis ball and the sticky pads that looks really fun on the package but rarely is. It is our expert opinion that Doritos were probably served. Also, Kristen Stewart appeared to be wearing what could theoretically have been some awfully familiar-looking red shorts.
Kristen Stewart if you email me your address I will mail you a pair of these shorts for free, also a bouquet of roses, also my actual beating heart.
We’ve speculated about these two in the past, but as far as this reporter is concerned there has been no official confirmation regarding the disposition and intent of one Kristen Stewart and her relationship with Ms. Argile. The actress did recently announce that she will be taking some time off following the release of her upcoming movie “Still Alice” with Julianne Moore. As she told USA Today, “I’m going to take so much time off. I’m going to buy a live-work space in downtown L.A. and I’m going to make some [stuff] with my hands. Literally, I made that decision a few weeks ago.”
No word on the DTLA workspace, but it looks like she and Alicia have been makin’ some stuff with their hands if ya know what I mean.
SHA LA LA LA LA LA LA
These pictures do little to confirm or deny the alleged romantic relationship between the perpetually sour-faced Stewart and her adorable friend. What we can tell you is that it appeared to be a magical weekend, and that some degree of snuggling appears to have transpired.
If Kristen Stewart ever whisked me away for a romantic weekend on a Hawaiian private beach, I would rub SPF 85 on her lower back and feed her pineapple slices to her heart’s content. We would sip rum cocktails with little umbrellas in them and hold hands as we strolled along the shore, the pristine waves lapping at our feet. Later, Kristen would dazzle me with her talent at the resort’s limbo competition. Here are some other women we think Kristen might enjoy a Hawaiian holiday with:
You’re welcome, world. Graphic thanks to Raquel Breternitz.
Gothip Girl’s Top 10 Most Important Celesbian Moments of 2014
Oh, what a year it’s been! In 2014, Autostraddle’s own Gothip Girl (and other dedicated writers) served up important investigative journalism regarding the greatest issues facing queer women today: what famous queer women are up to, who they’re kissing, what they’re eating for lunch. To honor this successful year of hard-hitting reports, we’ve assembled a few of the most life-altering things that have happened in Vapid Fluff within the past twelve months.
10. Melanie B Says She Used To Be A Lesbian Sometimes
We’ve given our dear Melanie Brown a lot of flak on Autostraddle dot com this year for statements she’s made to various press outlets regarding her previous relationships, many of which happened to be with ladies. Nobody ever said we were put on this earth to police how public figures (or anybody really) choose to identify themselves, but Melanie often brushed off her (significant) relationships with women as a crazy phase she’d gone through and spoke glowingly of how she’d moved past all that now that she’s married to a man. Were we too critical of Scary Spice’s flippant remarks? Is it responsible for a very public figure to distance herself from her own fluid sexuality and dismiss her previous dalliances as being less meaningful than her marriage to a man? Was it OK when Jessie J declared that her bisexuality had actually been a phase, or when Raven-Symoné told Oprah earlier this year that she doesn’t want the world to see her as “African-American” or “gay,” but as a “colourless” human being who just loves other human beings? Should we hold celebrities to a higher standard when it comes to queer visibility? Do we have the right to demand that from these people? These are the questions that keep us up at night. Anyway, it gave us a very excellent reason to comb Tumblr for appropriate Peggy Peabody gifs, so thanks a bunch, Melanie! We wish you a happy and prosperous 2015.
9: Keira Knightley Went To Prom With A Lady
It didn’t happen this year, but the revelation that British pretty person Keira Knightley took a girl to prom sometime in the early 2000s affected the entire Autostraddle staff in a deep and meaningful way. According to Ms Knightley, the celebrated affair took place during the shooting of Bend It Like Beckham, arguably Keira’s gayest film, and that she wore leather pants and a crop top. Her BFF Emily (a model, apparently) arrived in ripped jeans and a tie. They kissed for a photograph, and were subsequently chastised by school administrators for inappropriate behaviour. My esteemed colleague Laura took the time to assemble this imaginary play-by-play of the alleged events. None of us knew it at the time, but now that we’re aware of this momentous occasion, we will never be the same.
8. Taylor Swift Maybe Held Her Face Close To Another Girl’s Face
Recently, Taylor Swift attended a rock concert at Terminal 5 in New York with Karlie Kloss, a famous white lady who looks a whole lot like Taylor Swift. The music was very loud, and it was difficult for the two of them to hear each others’ angelic voices during the 1975’s presumably brilliant set. At one point, Taylor grabbed Karlie, pushed her face very close to her friend’s face and shouted directly into her ear, “HEY! I’M GOING TO THE BAR IN A MINUTE, WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER SHIRLEY TEMPLE?!?!?!” Just then, an enterprising young paparazzo on the floor below shot a grainy iPhone photo and determined that the two were obviously kissing. As much as I’d love to believe this one, I’m not sure I buy it — there are just so many other plausible possibilities! I would also like to consider the theory that Karlie had suffered a head injury earlier that day, and Taylor was closely examining her pupils to make sure she didn’t have a concussion. With her tongue.
You can tell they’re not making out because the men next to them are actually watching the band.
7. OMG Kristen Stewart Just Date Me Already
Kristen Stewart is a woman of many secrets. The disaffected young actress was brave enough to reveal her poetry to the world in 2014, but not the nature of her relationship with Alicia Cargile. She put on a goddamn mustache and full-body tracksuit for a Jenny Lewis video, got herself a super-flattering alternative lifestyle haircut and hung out with Jodie Foster. She taunted us all year long with possibilities, but as the year draws to a close we can only speculate as to how gay this picture actually is:
VERY. (via JustJared)
6. Brittney Griner Gets Engaged
It was a magical day for basketball enthusiasts and people who enjoy preciousness in general as inspirational human being Brittney Griner proposed to her girlfriend, fellow WNBA player Glory Johnson. This was a momentous occasion not only because they’re high-profile out athletes, but because they’re on opposing teams. When they play against each other, there is gonna be some crazy A League Of Their Own loyalty shit happening, probably. I don’t know how basketball works.
http://instagram.com/p/ruefERzBWn/
5. Michelle Rodriguez And Cara Delehooha Get Really Drunk at a Basketball Game
In other sports-related news, these two. Michelle Rodriguez had long been cagey about her sexuality, but when she met animate pair of eyebrows Cara Delevingne, she fell dramatically in love and lost her sense of give-a-fuck. They traipsed adorably around, petting illegal tigers and having great skin, but the two really took it to another level when they got piss-drunk at a Knicks game. Sloppy makeouts and amazing facial expressions were plentiful, and luckily photographers were on hand to painstakingly document all of it. As we reach the end of 2014, we must acknowledge that Michelle and Cara have gone their separate ways, but in their heart of hearts they will always have that night. So will we.
SOMETHING ABOUT SPORTS!
4. Angel Haze And Ireland Baldwin Make Me Vomit All Over Instagram
At first, we weren’t sure about these two! Were they maybe just really good friends? Really good friends who get matching tattoos and kiss each other and roll around in the grass and adopt puppies together? Luckily, Angel Haze was on hand to set the record straight. “We fuck, and friends don’t fuck,” she informed the Independent, and there you have it. Since then, the two have been spotted canoodling all over the world, tweeting gooey messages at each other and staring at each other all googly-eyed. More recently, Haze posted several pictures of the two sporting pretty official-looking rings. Guys, they’re being gross. They’re so in love and have to tell everybody about it and like, we GET it already, OK? Ugh.
3. Lauren Morelli And Samira Wiley Publicly Hold Hands And Do Adorable Shit
Season 2 of Orange Is The New Black was a Very Big Deal to almost everyone, and when it premiered right in the goddamn middle of my city’s pride, you best believe I stayed inside and watched all of it in one sitting instead of going outside and meeting other human beings. Samira Wiley’s character Poussey had a much meatier role this season, and in doing so she confirmed once and for all that her character was queer. Just a couple of months later, the world learned that Samira herself was involved in a relationship with lovely OITNB writer Lauren Morelli. Throw in a quick mention of that time Jackie Cruz (OITNB’s Flaca) made out with Kourtney Kardashian and it’s been a pretty intense year for everybody.
Oh COME ON.
2. Ellen Page Comes Out, Takes A Lady To Whole Foods
Where were you when you heard that Ellen Page had finally come out of the closet this past February? It was Valentine’s Day, and I was at the Burbank Ikea on a romantic excursion with DeAnne Smith, buying an electric screwdriver. Seriously, that’s where I was; did you know they have a Valentine’s Day buffet? Anyway, this was a glorious moment for queer women everywhere, and celebrations were held worldwide. We’d all known for years, but for Ellen to bravely come forwards was an important and momentous occasion for us all. After the dust settled, there was one question on everybody’s minds: does this mean *I* get to date Ellen Page?!?!? Unless you are this blonde lady she took to Whole Foods, the answer is no. With their arms draped casually across each others’ waists, they perused organic produce and overpriced spaghetti sauce in a visibly romantic fashion. They probably paid $30 each for salads. They regretted nothing.
1. Evan Rachel Wood And Kate Moennig Date Briefly
I’m gonna be honest with you, you guys, this relationship was my bread and butter in 2014. When we prayed earlier this spring that newly single Evan Rachel Wood would publicly date a lady, we never imagined that she would wrangle the wildest lesbian mustang of all, Kate Moennig (née Shane from the L Word). They flirted via Twitter, they stood sort of near each other at a fancy gala, they snuggled furtively as paparazzi took creepy shots of them while they waited for the valet to fetch one of their cars. We here at Autostraddle hitched our dream wagon to these two, and we were absolutely crushed when their great romance fizzled after only just a few weeks. In 2015, we respectfully hope that our darling Evan Rachel Wood finds true love, and we not-so-secretly hope it’s with one of us.
XOXO,
Gothip girl.
Sherlock Homo: The Case Of Kristen Stewart Allegedly Having A Girlfriend
My Dear Watson,
I am writing today in response to your latest inquiry regarding my thoughts and opinions on one Kristen Stewart. I understand that it is highly unusual to respond at such length via a comment on a Facebook status, but I believe my reasons will become apparent as I, the great Sherlock Homo, attempt to unravel the question posed within your status: “Kristen Stewart Dating Alicia Cargile? ‘Twilight’ Star Reportedly Has A New Girlfriend.”
I was initially shocked that you would ask such a seemingly inane question on a public forum but upon further investigation discovered that you were actually linking to an article by the same name from the International Business Times, undoubtedly a reputable source of information to International Businessmen. While it is child’s play to determine that this and other articles like it are garbage clickbait, let us assume for a moment that the journalistic integrity of these news organizations is intact. After all, what’s more integral to the well-being and general health of our culture than celebrity gossip based on purported same-sex tendencies?
So. What are the details of this case? According to the source you linked, Watson, famed film star Kristen Stewart has recently terminated her romantic involvement with Robert Pattinson (also a famed film star). While Mr. Pattinson appears to now be involved with famed music star Katy Perry, Ms Stewart’s romantic entanglements are more opaque. Anonymous sources have indicated to several sources that Ms Stewart is dating Alicia Cargile, who is described as “a Los Angeles-based visual effects producer.” Personal details on Ms Cargile are few and far between, as MStarz faithfully reports that “Cargile’s Instagram is currently private.” According to a Celebitchy report on a Star Magazine report:
Sources say a romance began after Alicia comforted Kristen following her devastating split from Rob last May. The pair have dropped hints of their own by frequently stepping out on different occasions wearing the same clothes.
I am of two minds regarding this: The first questions the veracity of any publication that would report on a maybe-romantic entanglement that maybe started nearly a year ago. But the second says that “wearing the same clothes” is an intriguing note that, when coupled with publications’ continued insistence that “gal-pal” is a synonym for “girlfriend,” makes me raise my eyebrows nevertheless.
Much has been speculated regarding the sexuality of Ms Stewart, which has in some cases has taken on an air of self-evident truth. Not entirely unfounded, perhaps, based on her willingness (and apparent eagerness) to talk about having crushes on women. (Ms Stewart has named Natalie Portman as her first crush and expressed a desire to make out with Charlize Theron and wear boxer-briefs, among other noted declarations of same-sex affection.) Also: The Runaways.
Buzzfeed, a noted source of information regarding things only 22-year-olds understand, cites the tumblrs Team Gay Stew, Gay Stew Is Gay, and Hey Girl it’s KStew as evidence of a deeply entrenched belief and dedication to the very idea that Ms Stewart could one day participate in a same-sex relationship through which we may all live vicariously. The evidence offered within these articles and Tumblrs hardly seems peer-reviewed; on the contrary, most of it seems like someone pretty much just made it up. For example, key paragraphs in the International Business Times piece note:
“Love is love to Kristen,” a source revealed to the tabloid about the film star’s “hot and heavy” new affair, adding that Stewart is happy again one year after her split from her “Twilight” co-star, Pattinson. “She’s really happy with Alicia,” said an insider.”
Stewart was seen “dirty dancing” with Cargile while partying at Korakia Pensione hotel in Palm Springs, Calif., on Feb. 23. “She put her arms around Kristen’s neck and Kristen put her hands on her waist,” an eyewitness told the gossip site. “After about 30 seconds, Kristen started laughing, kissed Alicia right on the lips then rested her head on Alicia’s chest and hugged her tight. It was totally hot,” added the source.
Certainly evidence doesn’t get more rock-solid than that, Watson. “Totally hot.” It’s right there in the cold, hard ink of the internet. Another often-cited proof of Ms Stewart’s queerness is her overall aesthetic and demeanor. Calibrate your gaydar to Exhibit A:
Exhibit A: Kristen Stewart and Ms Cargile
I would invite you to imagine a universe, Watson, wherein it is physically possible for humans with opposite sex attractions to wear flannel and gay-ass sneakers and shop at Whole Foods. As far-fetched as this thought experiment seems, my investigations into the matter have stunningly proven that this is, in fact, the universe in which our collective realities reside. My experiments have also unfortunately proven beyond measure that the old adage “miracles happen when you believe” is patently false; in other words, just because you want something to be true does not make it true. (Unless we’re talking about Ellen Page, which is a totally different ballgame that doesn’t operate using standard physics.)
Now, as you and I have learned from our previous escapades, Ms Stewart also recently participated in a photo shoot for Wildfang and this photo shoot was helmed by noted homosexual Lindsey Byrnes, who you will remember is also noted for her relationship with noted homosexual Tegan Quin. No doubt Wildfang models comprise a significant portion of the elite “cliterati” population, as former charges include soccer player Megan Rapinoe, famous Shane portrayer Katherine Moennig and queer teen heartthrobs Evan Rachel Wood and Ellen Page.
Exhibit B: Actress Kristen Stewart models for Wildfang Clothing Company. Shirt reads: “Tomboy.”
When these facts are coupled with the knowledge of Stewart’s friendly relationship with noted homosexual Jodie Foster, it seems like a foregone conclusion that Ms Stewart is in some way connected to the lesbian mafia at large. And while I would never purport that these conclusions are necessarily incorrect, it would be mocking both science and queerness in general to use what is essentially conjecture as hard evidence. Rest assured that my network of gay moles is hard at work to determine the legitimacy of these claims.
In conclusion, while there is clearly evidence to support all sides of this conversation, the fact remains that common decency and basic tact preclude us from drawing any sorts of real deductions. Even I, the great Sherlock Homo, know that. In an age where celebrity privacy seems to be a punchline rather than a priority, I can hardly support this type of research with any real enthusiasm. The truth is, as they say, out there, but I for one am electing to wait until, if ever, this information can be substantiated by a primary source. Let me know if a murder crops up anywhere in the periphery of this story, though, I guess.
Yours in homosexuality,
S. Homo
PS- Are we still on for brunch at The Abbey on Sunday?
Playlist: These Pictures of Kristen Stewart
Autostraddle fav Kristen Stewart recently did a photo shoot for Wildfang clothing. This was the result:
via Wildfang, photo by Lindsey Byrnes
Here is a playlist about those pictures. I make no presumptions and offer the following feelings list without commentary.
These Pictures of Kristen Stewart
Walking On Sunshine
More Than A Feeling
What An Experience
Drove Me Wild
Making It Up
Boys Wanna Be Her
Cherry Bomb
Rebel Girl
Partition
That’s Happening
Woo Hoo
Everywhere
Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You)
Hold On
I Wanna Dance With Somebody
I Love Clarity (Icona Pop ft. Charli XCX vs. Zedd ft. Foxes) – DJ Schmolli
Heart Skipped A Beat
I Believe In A Thing Called Love (cover) – Branches
Explanations – Selah Sue
Everyone Is Gay
Come On, Come Out
Say It, Just Say It
Anything Can Happen
Want to suggest a playlist theme? Hit Stef up and someone on the team might make it for you.
VIDEO: And Now, A Dramatic Reading of Kristen Stewart’s Poetry
Perhaps you are like me, and spent most of yesterday sobbing gently at the beautiful truths expressed in Kristen Stewart’s recently published poem “My Heart Is A Wiffle Ball/Freedom Pole.” Although she has spent her prolific acting career expressing a variety of emotions ranging from sullen to petulant to reluctantly pouty, the decorated thespian recently surprised her Marie Claire interviewer with a poem she’d written.
“She often writes intense little verses, words or strings of words, rearranging them in a process she herself doesn’t understand but believes is somehow essential to her sanity.” —Marie Claire magazine
As a person with a deep and passionate appreciation for the awkward Twilight actress, I felt personally connected to her beautiful verse, and yearned to pay tribute in some way. Fortunately, Comedy Editor Brittani Nichols and I were able to come together and express our mutual admiration via a dramatic interpretation, which we present to you now with enormous pride:
As Stewart told Marie Claire, “I like being able to hit on something, like, ‘There it is.’ I don’t want to sound so fucking utterly pretentious … but after I write something, I go, ‘Holy fuck, that’s crazy.'” Indeed, KStew. Indeed.
Style Thief: New Year’s Eve Edition
Welcome to the fifth installment of Style Thief, where I steal the clothes off queer style icons’ backs. Metaphorically, that is. I’ll try figure out just exactly what makes queer style icons tick by breaking down their look into itty bitty bite size pieces. I get a lot of questions about how to look like different celebrities/characters, so I’m finally tackling the question “How the hell do I dress like that?”
Header by Rory Midhani
In this very special edition of Style Thief I’ll be setting aside my usual One Icon One Article policy to take a look at the Fashion Ghosts of New Year’s Past. I’ll be presenting nine queer style icons in their New Year’s Eve best (or their New Year’s-iest outfit I could find). We’ll figure out exactly how to steal their look for that big bad moment when the clock strikes midnight 2013.
Ellen DeGeneres
ELLEN DEGENERES AT THE TEEN CHOICE AWARDS 2011
To my surprise, Ellen Degeneres’s Teen Choice Awards 2011 outfit was the first thing I thought of as I started to ruminate on iconic New Year’s Eve styles. Despite the large kid’s surfboard, Ellen’s look has that perfect balance between caring and not caring. While almost definitely meticulously planned, Ellen’s look seems to claim that this is the aftermath from a much bigger, much more important party she’s just ditched out of.
Justin Bieber
JUST BIEBER NYE 2011/2012
The Biebster’s New Year’s look is great for anyone daring enough to face the crowded freezing cold at Time Square. The key is to pick a hat and scarf that compliment and complete your look instead of clash or cover it up.
K. Stew
KRISTEN STEWART, NOVEMBER 14, 2012
While K. Stew doesn’t show her face around the celebrity New Year’s Eve circuit much, she’s been turning heads at the Breaking Dawn Part II premieres. New Year’s is the best time to match glitter with lace. While K. Stew is technically wearing a jumpsuit, her outfit is a great example of how sparkly pants can modernize and uplift a sheer lace top.
Leighton Meester
LEIGHTON MEESTER NYE 2009/2010
Leighton Meester is my personal favorite, perfect, amazing style icon. If K. Stew’s glitter-pants are a bit much for you, perhaps try Leighton Meester’s high waisted trousers instead. While hoards of folks will be using this opportunity to double down on All Black All Sequin, you can also draw attention by going against the current and choose softer, dimmer fabrics.
Jenna Lyons
JENNA LYON’S A THE 2012 GLAMOUR WOMEN OF THE YEAR AWARDS
Jenna Lyons can be a savior for those straddling the butch and femme ends of things. Never one to disappoint, Lyon’s outfit at the 2012 Women of the Year Awards is the perfect candidate for a more formal New Year’s Eve.
Lindsay Lohan
LINDSAY LOHAN AT A RUNWAY SHOW MARCH, 2010
If you’re on the femme side of things, nothing is easier for New Year’s Eve than a little black dress. Lilo shows us exactly how to take a somewhat simple dress and play it up with accessories. Who says you can’t wear sunglasses indoors at night in the middle of winter.
Willow Smith
WILLOW SMITH NYE 2011/2012
I can’t exactly explain how a pre-teen girl became a queer style icon, but Willow Smith knows how to rock a vest/blazer, shorts and sneakers like nobody’s business.
Sam Ronson
NYE 2011/2012
Sam Ronson shows us just how you can take your regular everyday look and almost effortlessly transform it to be New Year’s Eve ready. Just swap a tuxedo shirt for your regular button-up and mix in a dapper black hat and you’re good to go.
Lady Gaga
LADY GAGA NYE 2011/2012
Um. I got nothing on this one. But if Lady Gaga teaches us nothing else, it’s that when it doubt, go black and studded. What’s the worst that could happen?
What all these icons have in common is that they take a special occasion as an opportunity to pick a head to toe look and execute it full throttle. New Year’s Eve is the perfect night to be adventurous and wear something you’ve always wanted to or never thought you would. It’s practically risk free since, as you already know, the next day is a whole new year.
If there’s a queer style icon you’d like to see stripped down in Style Thief, send me an ASS message, ask on my formspring, or tweet me @Ohheyitslizz Past. I’ll be presenting nine queer style icons in their New Year’s Eve best (or their New Year’s-iest outfit I could find). We’ll figure out exactly how to steal their look for that big bad moment when the clock strikes midnight 2013.
This is a Kristen Stewart Jodie Foster Feelings Atrium Post
November 2001, shooting “The Panic Room”
by laneia & riese
Today on The Daily Beast, Jodie Foster published an essay she wrote asking the media to lay off Kristen Stewart. It’s really lovely and compassionate and evocative in parts, and then in other parts it gets especially weird. The thesis of the essay is that Jodie Foster believes you should leave Kristen Stewart alone. As you may have heard on every website in the world except this one, Kristen cheated on her Vampire Boyfriend with the director of Snow White & The Huntsman and then publicly apologized, or something. We don’t think the specifics of that are any of our business, and apparently Jodie Foster agrees.
Foster begins the piece by drawing on her own experiences as a child actor, saying she wouldn’t have gone into the industry at all if she’d been subject to the scrutiny actors like Stewart are regularly subjected to. She then notes that she’s been able to keep her private life private by “inventing [her] own gothic survival tools” and “organizing [her] career choices to allow [herself] (and the ones [she] truly loves) maximum personal dignity.” She notes that celebrity culture today is cruel and merciless, offering little room for stars like Kristen to have feelings in privacy without the relentless snapping of cameras and invasive questions. This is relatively familiar territory.
Foster laments that the world would’ve suffered in her absence (“Sarah Tobias would never have danced before her rapists in The Accused. Clarice would never have shared the awful screaming of the lambs to Dr. Lecter”) and then goes on to discuss the vulnerability required to be a successful actor and her time working with Kristen Stewart on Panic Room. Page two of Foster’s essay opens with a description of an image of a “perfect moment” Foster has in her head involving an 8mm home movie made in the 70’s with a white-haired girl twirling in the surf, spinning and singing.
Which brings me to today’s Feelings Atrium, as jump-started this morning when this article sidetracked our editorial meeting. The point of the essay aside, writing on this topic at all seems like an interesting direction for Foster to take as a woman who has kept her sexual orientation a secret throughout her career, only briefly mentioning “my beautiful Cydney” (her then-girlfriend of 14 years) at an awards ceremony in 2007. Perhaps part of Jodie’s desire to keep her personal life private comes from being in the public eye from day one, from needing to keep some things close to avoid feeling so exposed.
What are your feelings?
[8/15/12 10:59:14 AM]
Riese: i’m still thinking about jodie foster
Kristen: i’m thinking of autostraddle undies and cookies
Laneia: this article is insane i can’t believe she wrote it, edited it, reread it like a million times probably, and then published it
Riese: i know!
Laneia: like not even on her own blog, would i expect to see this
Riese: is she friends with somebody from the daily beast
Laneia: remember when rosie had her blog and she’d write about everyone and her feelings?
Riese: yes rosie’s blog was amazing
it was all in tiny little sentences
Laneia: i would expect this kind of thing from that kind of person
but jodie foster
who won’t even talk about her partner? is talking about kristen stewart?
Riese: yeah it could have been classier
Laneia: this is like when tom cruise jumped on the sofa and i could never watch top gun again
Riese: she probably sees herself in kristen
Laneia: yes i think she does too
[twenty minutes and two serious conversations about actual news later]
Laneia: i feel so weird about jodie foster still
Riese: me too
Laneia: like i almost can’t move on
Riese: me neither!
Laneia: is she high do you think?
b/c gawker is right, that one paragraph was insanely out of nowhere
Riese: i don’t know
she was my hero growing up
because she directed and starred in her own movies
and that’s what i wanted to do
Laneia: picture of jodie foster or a cat as jodie foster
Riese: do you think she’s protective of kristen stewart because she’s afraid that if she’s queer at all that she won’t ever feel comfortable coming out now
i mean, jodie foster of all people to advocate privacy
of her personal life
like is this just self-justification of never really coming out herself?
i mean i love jodie unconditionally, but
Laneia: i think the coming out aspect has something to do with it, definitely
just b/c i think that has something to do w/ literally everything that j.foster does
bc when you’re not out, it does affect everything.
Riese: when she says like “i wouldn’t have survived in this climate” she’s not talking about young Jodie getting caught having an affair with a married director
Laneia: yes
truth
Riese: she’s probably talking about being a lesbian and how that would’ve been terrible for people to know when she was younger
Laneia: “i couldn’t have had lesbian sex in college”
Riese: “it would’ve been on gawker”
Laneia: remember when romi was mad bc no one knew she was a celesbian. what if romi and jodie foster had to have a conversation.
Riese: i don’t think jodie foster could take romi seriously
Laneia: it’s just that i’ve had a lot of caffeine today. i’m very jesse spano today i’m sorry.
Riese: you’re just so excited
Rachel: omg all i want to do now is watch a video of romi explaining to jodi foster what a celesbian is as if she does not know
Riese: i think kristen and malaika have checked out of this intellectual conversation
Laneia: we could make one of those cat videos
Rachel: SORRY GUYS
Riese: and how romi is a celesbian but jodi is not because jodi is not out as a lesbian
Kristen: the romi, the romi got me back
Riese: romi always brings people back
Discuss.
The MTV Movie Awards Liveblog and Harry Potter/Hunger Games/KStew Feelings Marathon
Hey you Straddlers, it’s the MTV Movie Awards! The place where Oscar-winning movies lose year after year after year to Twilight. Is it just me or did I just liveblog these five seconds ago? Nope, that’s just an emotional conflation of liveblogging the 2011 VMAs and recapping the 2011 Teen Choice Awards. Regardless they’re here again, hosted by Russell Brand, and bound to illuminate nothing about movies and everything about the falling standards of young people in America. I’m honestly deeply emotionally conflicted about whether I’m rooting for Harry Potter or the Hunger Games. It’s like choosing between your first love and your current love; they’re both so meaningful, how do you even compare them?
IF ONLY SHE WERE RIDING A HIPPOGRIFF (VIA MTV.COM)
There are a lot of nominees but writing them all out seemed like a waste of everyone’s time, so I made this handy graphic from MTV’s full list of nominees.
OH GOD THE HUNGER GAMES AND HARRY POTTER ARE IN SO MANY OF THE SAME CATAGORIES
Tonight I’m gathering with a bunch of queermos to watch/drool over the inevitable KStewpalooza, and plan to steal the snarky comments my friends make and claim them as my own here for your reading pleasure! I prepared for this epic night by quitting my job, moving out of my apartment, signing a lease in my new apartment and forgetting to cancel my gym membership. So you know this is going to be good.
Meet me back here at 9pm EST and we’ll all get through this together. Don’t forget to tweet me all of your Harry Potter/Hunger Games/KStew feelings @Ohheyitslizz!
8:50pm: I showed up early for pre-show glamour and Punk’d is on?! Where is the red carpet respect?!
8:55pm: I couldn’t be more excited about this preview for The Perks of Being a Wallflower if I read an instruction manual on how to be excited. I’m calling it, this might be the best part of the night.
9:00pm: OMG it’s happening!! Starring FUN. I love this song. Because tonight I am young. Actually technically.
9:01pm: Wait. Are the guys from FUN. wearing capri pants? I can’t support this decision.
9:03pm: I love Janelle Monae in a tux and that chorus of women in bow ties. Sigh.
CAN WE BE IN LOVE FOREVER?
9:08pm: Something about the timbre of Russell Brand’s voice makes everything he says sound the same.
9:12pm: I’m bored. This is boring. Will someone make me a cocktail?
9:14pm: Look how uncomfortable Mila Kunis looks next to how drunk Marky Mark is.
Best On Screen Dirtbag Goes to Jennifer Aniston
I don’t care about this. I forgot to see the movie. I need another cocktail for this.
9:20pm: I just saw a preview for the new movie “Ted” about Mila Kunis and Marky Mark and a magically alive teddy bear. I thought it was an MTV spoof. But no. This is really happening.
9:20pm: Russell Brand is not funny.
9:24pm: I support the existence of the new Spiderman movie. Emma Stone just said YOLO. YOLOOOO
THIS GUY IS YOUR NEW SPIDERMAN
Break Through Performance Goes to Shailene Woodley
I don’t know who she is but she’s kind of adorable. I like her the most out of everyone so far. Everyone ever.
9:30pm: Emma Watson can do no wrong. I give her permission to do anything.
DEAR EMMA WATSON, PICK ME. LOVE ME. CHOOSE ME.
9:32pm: Oh G-d. Best Male Performance. This is our first Harry Potter Hunger Games stand off. I don’t know who to root for. JK this time it’s Harry Potter.
Best Male Performance Goes to Josh Hutcherson
Okay, mixed feelings. On the one hand I want to support Josh Hutcherson because he really loves gay people. On the other hand, I wanted Daniel Radcliffe because of the Harry Potter. On the other other hand, I wanted KStew dressed in menswear to win this category. So.
9:40pm: First KStew sighting for the announcement of Best Female Performance!
THIS IS ACTUALLY PART OF KSTEW'S ROBOT PURIM COSTUME
Best Female Performance Goes to Jennifer Lawrence!!!!
Why do I feel like we won a thing?! We won a thing!! Too bad Jen didn’t show up to receive. Somehow that makes her even cooler.
JLaw [looking at the golden popcorn]: I can’t eat this.
VIA ZOMBIELOVER.TUMBLR.COM
9:43pm: Who let Charlie Sheen on stage? I’m palpitating.
9:44pm: So I guess this is some sort of clip show of party movies? What I’ve gleaned is that cult classic comedies have to star men. All men all the time. Only men are funny. Only.
9:47pm: Can I be honest about how I don’t know who this musical artist is, but am I crazy or is Joan Jett on his shirt?
9:50pm: Liveblogging MTV award shows is really easy since the show is 90% commercials.
9:55pm: Leighton Meester is presenting best kiss. I think the real question is why isn’t she nominated for any kiss ever?
YOU COULD TOTALLY GET MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND GAY MARRIED ON THE BEACH IN THIS OUTFIT
Also if Hermione/Ron don’t win this shit is rigged.
Best Kiss Goes to RPat and KStew
Boooo. But wait. Who is that white T-shirt lezzie looking girl KStew is sitting with? And no RPat? Okay for those of you playing at home who can’t see this, KStew just tried to get someone, anyone to come on stage and kiss her. Including but not limited to super homoerotic call out to Charlize Theron. KStew, why didn’t you just call up the hot chick you were sitting with?!
KStew: Huntsman? Huntsman?
10:04pm: Awesome. Two old men to present an achievement award (“The Generation Award”) to Johnny Depp. I totally appreciate and love Johnny Depp but there hasn’t been a single gay on stage yet. Didn’t the producers of this see the Emmys? Gay sells people.
Also this is tragically boring.
10:08pm: So Johnny Depp is playing the guitar with the Black Keys. Reactions from around the room:
My Friend: Johnny Depp was cool, he just got so much cooler
Me: Are you kidding? He’s playing guitar at the MTV Movie awards. He just got 100% lamer.
My Friend: Well… he’s only lamer if he tries to launch a full music career after this.
10:12pm: Sometimes I feel like Johnny Depp speaks with a pseudo fake british accent.
10:20pm: Joel McHale is so fucking hilarious. Also a fake archery instructor is a stupidly funny concept. That was the funniest thing of the evening. That’s really unfortunate. Why is Community being canceled? Whyyyy?
10:23pm: Wow totally real fight scene between Charlize Theron and some guy.
Friend A: Wow great fight scene.
Friend B: Oh. Get ’em girl
Friend C: Huntsman? Huntsman?
Best Fight Scene Goes to Josh Hutcherson and Alexander Ludwig
There is not enough booze in the world to make me care about this category.
Best Cast to The Harry Fucking Potter Cast
VIA PSYCHO-PENGUIN.TUMBLR.COM
This is correct! Go team! Only Emma Watson bothered to show up! Womp Womp. Just in case anyone is curious, she goes to Brown where I am going in the fall. I think we all know what’s going to happen when we meet. Love forever. That’s what.
10:34pm: Awesome more white guys presenting awards. And making illiteracy jokes.
10:36pm: Am I supposed to know who Big Dick Richy is? Is this a thing?
Best Transformation Goes to Elizabeth Banks
I love Elizabeth Banks. We have the same name. Also her outfit looks like what a spider wears after it gets magically turned in to a woman.
SPIDERWOMAN
10:40pm: So Emma Stone is getting The Trailblazer Award? I think it’s a joke but I also don’t understand if maybe this is a joke. I do love a good montage though.
My Friend: Wait. Oh. For that whole time I thought they were talking about Emma Watson.
10:44pm: Okay even post-acceptance speech I have no clue what this award is for. Is this because of The Help? Is this because of Spiderman? Does Emma Stone go around the country giving emotionally inspiring speeches to high school students?
10:47pm: Okay so a preview for Channing Tatum’s new movie where he plays a male stripper just came on and now I understand that man-stripper joke before. Sorry guys, I’m just trying to stay on top of everything.
10:49pm: Joseph Gordon Levitt dresses the way I wish all hot butch chicks dressed. All of them. Love his red watch.
10:50pm: Seriously though, I don’t think I can move on from Joseph Gordon Levitt’s outfit. That’s what everyone should wear to weddings this summer.
10:52pm: Yeah I’m still not over it. With the red button? With the corresponding but not too matchy tie? This is a win guys.
10:53pm: I was so distracted by Joseph Gordon Levitt’s outfit that I forgot to point out how fucking weird this whole Batman END OF THE STORY worship thing is. I mean, it’s Batman not Harry Potter — it doesn’t actually ever end.
I mean, I’m not arguing with exclusive footage, I just didn’t realize this movie series was such a bit deal. I mean I love these movies but I’m a giant nerd-face.
11:00pm: Okay we’ve finally reached best movie. Thank G-d.
11:02pm: Finally! A gay on stage! Jodie Foster! Her jacket looks like a futuristic motocross situation?
Movie of the Year is Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1
Oh wow. That’s a fucking shocker.
11:05pm: MTV should go back to the days when they used to stage controversies. It was actually somehow more entertaining.
This Is a Homoerotic Kristen Stewart Post
With the debut of Snow White & The Huntsman lurking ever-closer on the big bright horizon, a surge of Kristen Stewart-related media has overtaken the internet. We have been accumulating these tidbits over the past few weeks and now I’d like to present some of this information and imagery to you so that we can all experience it together, as a family.
Let’s begin with the cross-dressing ELLE Magazine shoot that made our tumblr explode last week:
Yup, that’s Kristen Stewart dressed as a boy, and also as a girl! You can re-create this look at home, see:
via kstewartfan.org
Kristen Stewart and Kristen Stewart are really cute together, aren’t they?
via kstewartfan.org
If you’d like to engage emotionally with the entire shoot, you can purchase the magazine at your local newsstand, or visit kstewartfan.org. Needless to say, whomever conceptualized that shoot is a genius who deserves some kind of Feminist Porn Award next year.
Anyhow, you know who else is cute together? Kristen Stewart and Charlize Theron! Interview Magazine, that crafty vixen, featured both women on its cover this month, accompanied by an intensely homoerotic photoshoot:
hey kristen do you wanna make out later or something?
The Interview interviews are worth a read — both Kristen Stewart’s and Charlize Theron’s. Stewart’s interview focuses primarily on her history of working with women, playing strong women, and acting for female directors. Stewart talks about working with out lesbian director Rose Troche on The Safety of Objects, bisexual rock star Joan Jett on The Runaways and of course Charlize Theron on Snow White & The Hunstman. She also speaks to the experience of being a generally awkward person unable to do that “sound-bite, be-candidly-funny thing.”
kristen, all you talked about all day was how you wanted to dress severely and watch "mad men" and now you won't even look at the television set
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Last night, Kristen Stewart attended the Los Angeles premiere of Snow White & The Huntsman, wearing both costumes from her Elle shoot at the same time:
In the spirit of Ellen Page/Drew Barrymore circa Whip It!, Kristen Stewart and Charlize Theron have become quite the twosome. Regardless of Kristen Stewart’s actual sexual orientation, she seems incapable of not developing homoerotic sexual tension with her female co-stars, and she and Charlize have definitely taken this to the next level.
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For the second part of this post, I would like to share some videos with you. First I’d like to draw your attention to a fabulous interview from ‘The Question Box,” which Carmen posted in the Sunday Funday on May 13th, 2012. Now, moving forward!
1. Kristen Stewart and Charlize Theron on El Hormiguero on May 17th:
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2. Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron and that guy on Moviefone’s “Unscripted”:
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I will now conclude this post with the trailer for Snow White & The Hunstman, as that is ostensibly the sub-topic of this post. The film debuts this weekend. I’d like to see it. It’s gotten pretty good reviews.
Also. Also. Also: Coming Out Associated With Better Health And Other Things We Missed
We were so busy celebrating Passover and getting pumped for A-Camp that we completely overlooked Texts From Hillary Clinton! Here’s some other things we miss this week.
+ Trayvon Martin: 28 LGBT rights groups co-released an open letter in solidarity with Martin’s friends and family, calling for answers and justice.
+ Vaginal Bleaching: A new Indian product called Clean and Dry Intimate actually whitens your vulva so no one will ever have to have a naturally colored body part ever again. The currently running TV ad features a couple whose morning was almost ruined by the woman’s failure to bleach her vag. This makes me want to cross my legs forever.
+ TransPasses: The Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority (SEPTA) announced that Philadelphia’s monthly transit passes would no longer include gender stickers by 2013. The ironically named TransPasses had been causing discrimination and violence towards trans* riders since the stickers were adopted in the 1980s to reduce pass sharing. Unfortunately, removing the stickers requires public hearings, but SEPTA expects the gender stickers to be removed during 2013.
+ Beyonce: In breaking Beyonce news, the pop star has written a hand written open letter to Michelle Obama thanking the First Lady for all that she does and calling her “the ULTIMATE example of a truly strong African American woman.”
+ Hilary Rosen: In response to democratic strategist Hilary Rosen comment that Ann Romney had “never worked a day in her life,” the Catholic League attacked Rosen for also being a lesbian and… adopting? The Catholic League Tweeted, “Lesbian Dem Hilary Rosen tells Ann Romney she never worked a day in her life. Unlike Rosen, who had to adopt kids, Ann raised 5 of her own.” Even the Republic National Committee spokesman was quick to point out that the Catholic League should be encouraging adoption. The Catholic League also wants you to know that “NYT says bikini wax for men is the new rave.”
+ Russia: Sergey Kondrashov was arrested in St. Petersburg on Sunday for holding a sign that said “A dear family friend is lesbian. My wife and I love and respect her… and her family is just as equal as ours.” Kondrashov, who is straight, was picketing outside of Oktobersky Concert Hall as part of a larger movement of “single person pickets.” Kondrashov is circulating a petition letter to Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin detailing his arrest. Kondrashov faces fines and up to 15 days in prison.
+ Sinking Ships: To make the 100 year anniversary of the tragic sinking of the Titanic, the right wing organization Truth in Action Ministries released a short anti-gay video claiming “the homosexual agenda is the moral iceberg that we need to steer clear of.” Awesome. You’re never going to make it through the full length video, so Right Wing Watch put together some clips so you can get the gist in a minute:
+ Science: Boston University has released a study saying supportive parents improve long-term health for LGBT individuals. The study surveyed 5,658 adults ages 18-64 in Massachusetts and found that not only did two-thirds of LGBT adults receive parental support when coming out, “incidence of mental health and substance abuse problems was significantly lower than those who did not receive support.” Additionally, the study found that “coming out… was generally associated with better health for lesbian and bisexual women, but that this was not similarly true for gay and bisexual men.” The authors suggested this may be related to the way men and women processes the stress associated with being closeted.
+ Dallas: A letter written by Rev. Willie J.Howard advocating for Keryl Douglas over openly gay candidate Lane Lewis for Harris County Democratic Party chair remains of questionable origin. Howard warned, “If the gays take over we are poised to lose everything we have worked for during President Obama’s historic win.” Douglas denies any connection with the letter or Howard, who has not identified himself nor can his church be found on Google. Rep. Garnet Coleman, D-Houston, warned that this is could be an attempt to divide Democrats by pitting African-Americans against the gay community in Houston.
+ Eastergate: Despite inviting LGBT families to participate in this year’s White House Easter Egg Roll, President Obama won’t be issuing an executive order banning workplace discrimination against LGBT workers for federal contractors. 
White House press secretary Jay Carney said the president would instead focus on passing the broader Employment Non-Discrimination Act.
+ KStew: April 9th was Kristen Stewart’s birthday and apparently tons of women are now identifying as Krisbians— women who identify as straight except for they would totally do it with KStew.
+ LA: The L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center has protested the Manhattan Beach police’s plan to release the mugshots and names of 18 men arrested in an undercover sex sting at a public restroom. Manhattan Beach Police Chief Eve Irvine claimed the release was simply consistent with procedure and “never our intention to humiliate anyone, whether they are heterosexual or homosexual.” Darrel Cummings, the center’s chief of staff pointed out that “historically, charges such as those leveled against them have involved police entrapment… Publishing their photos serves no purpose other than to humiliate and destroy their lives.” The case will go to the district attorney’s office.
Kristen Stewart Says Hey Girl, is Talking to You
LIZZ’S TEAM PICK:
First there was Fuck Yeah Ryan Gosling. It was funny but, I mean, it was mad heterosexual and kind of boring. I looked at it a few times, but mostly because as far as I’m concerned Ryan Gosling looks like a Muppet. Amirite?
THIS IS SOME HETEROSEXUAL SHIT
Then, like a beacon of comedy light shining down from Relevant To Your Interests heaven, someone developed Feminist Ryan Gosling. I mean, these are the folks who brought us Hey girl. I mean… Woman. What’s not to love? I looked at this a lot.
YET THIS IS STILL SOME PRETTY HETEROSEXUAL SHIT
That was all fine and good until something else happened. Something I didn’t expect. I had been thinking about making a “Hey Girl” image site, I even slipped a Portia de Rossi in there. But nothing was sticking. Until I discovered this. How could I not have thought of this myself?
THIS IS SOME NON-HETEROSEXUAL SHIT
Someone started Hey Girl It’s KStew, and it’s brilliant. I love love love Kristen Stewart so I was super bummed to see that the tumblr isn’t taking submissions. I made a few of my own anyway.
Update: It has been brought to my attention that Hey Girl It’s KStew is written by YoungCreature. According to their site, YoungCreature “is a blog focused on exposing and supporting queer musicians, artists, filmmakers, writers, troublemakers, and earth shakers.”
Also, as of just a few minutes ago, you can now submit! I encourage everyone to submit Autostraddle-related stuff!!
Riese’s Update: Back in April 2010, we featured Young Creature in Eight Queer Blogs We Really Like Right Now. (“the internet is the size of a thimble” – laneia)
Kristen Stewart Explains Christmas
Jess’s Team Pick:
What do Bella from Twilight and the Virgin Mary have in common? Faux Kristen Stewart (comedian Laura MacDonald) awkwardly explains the origin of Christmas.
“One thing [eye flutter] I know about… [swallow] women who are pregnant is [hair touch] they’re like they rub their stomachs constantly. I know that because that’s how I played Bella. Like, you just rub your stomach and then you give this freaked-out look, like… [silent gasp].”
And just for shits and giggles:
Occupy Movie Theaters: Breaking Dawn Part One
Featuring original illustrations by Lizz!
Thursday night, after work, my roommate I were supposed to go to the gym, cook some dinner and go to bed early because we are both tired all the time. So, obviously after we skipped the gym and went shopping for matching hats we had to figure out something entertaining to do. We were all but settled on Hibachi when my roommate suggested we catch a movie. Unfortunately the last showing of Puss in Boots had just started fifteen minutes ago. My roommate joked, “Hey, Twilight is showing at midnight. How funny would it be if we went?” I’m a gigantic know-it-all so I respond, “Nah dude, that shit’s been sold out for months! MONNNTHHSSSS” My roommate, trying to disprove me, found a theater with tickets for the fifth showing of the night at 12:04.
Something about thinking we wouldn’t be able to get tickets and then finding some got us super pumped for the idea of going. So all of a sudden there we were with tickets to a midnight showing of Breaking Dawn Part One. Actually, first we watched the previous film because I never saw it. ( You should read the review we did of Eclipse too!)
THATS RIGHT, FIVE FULL THEATERS
I should be clear that I did read the Twilight books and while I totally enjoyed them I also think they’re super destructive for basically all women. But that’s neither here nor there. Let’s start from my arrival outside the theater.
11:10 This is the BEST idea ever
OH MY GOD KSTEW
11:12 This was the stupidest idea ever
I BET THIS IS WHAT AN ADELE CONCERT LOOKS LIKE
11:20 Overheard: “I can’t believe there are people at the 12:03 showing that get to see this before us.”
11:23 We found seats! There are only girls here. Okay now that we’re here what do we do? This is like the end of The Graduate. We should throw jackets on our seats and go get a snack to kill the next 40 min.
11:25 Overheard: “Oh my God, did someone check us in to facebook because I totally forgot to change my status.”
11:28 Getting in line for popcorn.
11:38 Still in line, wtf this isn’t Harry Potter.
11:44 Seriously how long does it take to get a slushy.
11:45 Just paid $6 and my first born child for a small popcorn.
11:50 Okay now what do we do?
11:55
I FOUND SOMETHING TO PLAY WITH
12:05: I totally forgot there would be previews– HOLY SHIT TITANIC IS COMING TO THEATERS IN 3D
12:30(ish): Movie Begins. Uncomfortably long amounts of applause.
SPOILERS BEGINNING NOW
Okay obviously I didn’t take notes during the movie because that would have been rude. But basically it was just an entire film built around everyone waiting to see the sex scene. One of the funniest things about seeing Breaking Dawn Part One in theaters is that the entire audience of adolescent women has these hilarious group reactions all at once. Unfortunately it turned in to two hours of my roommate and I having completely the wrong reactions to everything.
The film starts out by Jacob receiving the invitation to Bella’s wedding and ripping off his shirt to run out in to the wild like a jackal or a 20 year-old playing a teenager in a movie. This is the beginning of everyone pretending like the characters aren’t supposed to be 17 or 18. After the invitations are received and we get the gratuitous shirtless Jacob, the movie cuts to Bella’s bedroom where Bella is packing up her things to leave her family forever and Edward reminds her one last time that he’s a horrible awful monster who can kill and stuff and she’s a weak scared little girl. Bella’s like, “Yeah cool bro, whatev” and still wants to marry him. So then it’s the wedding and they exchange vows and make-out for like five minutes, you know, the way two people who aren’t ready to get married might. I will say, weak scripts aside, this movie series is driven forward by KStew and RPat’s chemistry.
I'M GONNA LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND NEVER LET YOU GO OR LET YOU MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICES
Then Jacob shows up and pulls Bella aside to ask her graphic questions about her wedding night and tells her she shouldn’t “do it” because if she and Edward “do it” he’ll kill her and Jacob really needs her to be alive because he totally still loves her for unexplained and underdeveloped reasons. Bella tells Jacob to fuck off and she and Edward run off to their honeymoon on an island so they can consummate the hell out of their marriage. Now that Bella and Edward are married, they can have sex without it sending them both to hell or killing Bella. It was pretty clear (by the cheering and awkward laughter) that this was the part that everyone had been waiting for. There are a lot of feathers involved in the sex. I’m not sure why.
I DON'T GET IT. THERE WERE NO FEATHERS WHEN BUFFY AND ANGEL HAD SEX.
REACTION SHOT
Unfortunately the sex didn’t last long because in the morning when Edward saw some bruises on Bella he was all, “I can’t even believe I hurt you. Don’t tell me you liked it because I Know You Didn’t. WHY DO YOU EVEN LIKE ME?!” This is totally not creepy and doesn’t make anyone think of actual domestic violence and the phases of denial one can go into afterwards.
So then there was the longest montage in the history of film where the two of them are romping about but not getting down with the get down. This included some actually great scenes of Kristen Stewart in lingerie trying to be sexy in that totally self aware Kristen Stewart way.
Then Bella realizes she’s pregnant and freaks the fuck out because, um, she’s pregnant and no one knew that was even possible. The baby is a freaky mutant and is killing Bella so she runs back to Edward’s parent’s house and calls her own dad to tell him she can’t see him for a while longer. Oh, did I mention there’s also an army of new born vampires out to kill Bella?* I think I forgot that. Jacob is grossed out by the mutant fetus, but he comes around to the house to help save Bella from the army and also so he can get in a big fight with his pack. This seemed to be mostly so that there could be some thoroughly bizarre scenes with the wolves talking in their heads. So Jacob leaves the pack with the wolf-girl and the youngest wolf. Now that he’s the head of a pack, he decides the vamps are okay except the freaky one in Bella’s belly.
REACTION SHOT
Most of the rest of the movie is a weird pro-life agenda about not killing the “baby-not-a-fetus” just to save Bella’s life. You know, because Bella keeps insisting “there’s a miracle inside of me.” Like I said, freaky pro-life agenda. Anyways the baby comes, by which I mean breaks Bella’s spine and her legs. I really think this this was a high risk pregnancy. Right as the army attacks and Edward performs a last-minute vampirization to save Bella’s life. Once Edward rips the baby out of Bella with his teeth (something that seemed less weird in the book) all I could basically think the whole rest of the movie was “HOLY SHIT THEY JUST RIPPED THAT BABY OUT OF HER. SHIIIIIIIIT. SOMEONE GET KSTEW AND THAT BABY TO A HOSPITAL”
HOLY SHIT VAMPIRE BABY
Also they all beat the bad-guy army*. In the end we see Bella about to wake up a vampire and Jacob falls in love with the baby.
REACTION SHOT
The end.
So overall I found the whole experience to be fun because I love to be part of something, but the movie to be so-so. As a reader of the books, I was prepared for the fact that this particular book was kind of a weird departure from the others. I thought I was ready for the weird feather vamp-sex, the bite-a-uterus C-section and the wolf/baby love, but that all was so much weirder on screen. The acting was good but not great, but the script was horrendous. There were plenty of unintentionally funny moments for the whole audience, but the fault there seemed to lie in the script and/or Taylor Lauter’s acting (rather than in KStew or RPat’s acting). Obviously there wasn’t nearly enough wolf-girl. KStew was at her best yet, but seriously started to show her age in the scenes where she got The Machinist level skinny during her pregnancy.
Finally, the movie seemed loooooooooooong. It lasted forever and ever. It was the longest two hour movie ever. This movie was longer than the lines to get in. Though I’m sure plenty of die-hard fans will be happy for the split, Breaking Dawn certainly could have been one film. Far too much attention was paid to the wedding and honeymoon, and the whole plotline felt crammed in to the end or left for the next film.
Also, seriously. A wolf falls in love with a baby.
BACK THE FUCK OFF. THAT BABY IS MINE.
*Update: Apparently so little happened in this movie by comparison with the length that I started including stuff from the previous movie. I guess the only people the vamps were fighting were the wolves who were all angry about the demon baby
Lady Gaga’s Big Interview, Brittany & Santana’s Little Live Kiss and Other Stories
LADY GAGA:
Lady Gaga’s interview in The Advocate is giving the media a lot of lukewarm feelings. The interview focuses mostly on Lady Gaga’s relationship to the gay community, namely the backlash coming from the community that her activism is just a sales tool:
“To say that I would use the gay community to sell records is probably one of the most ridiculous statements anyone can make about me as a person. I would say the top thing I think about every single day of my life, other than my fans, loving the music, and my family being healthy, is social justice and equality…Anyone who says that I’m not genuine is not interested in overcoming this fight.”
When asked if she considers herself an ally or part of the LGBT community, she says she ascribes “to the b letter.” On the difference between speaking at The National Equality March and performing in the Monster Ball Tour:
“As much as I love the fantasy of the Monster Ball, it is a fantasy; it’s a place to escape to. Whereas when I’m working as a political activist, we’re rooted in reality. We’re rooted in the reality of the fight.”
Queerty slams the piece, arguing that it posits Lady Gaga in an inappropriately fawning light, saying sarcastically:
“Lady Gaga is not just a shameless self-promotin’, self-important, media-manipulatin’, Messiah-soundin’, outsider-liberatin’ pop music machine… no, no, no, Lady Gaga is a gay activist at heart… If you don’t like Lady Gaga then you are against gay rights, social justice, sparkler bras and for the killing of gay unicorns everywhere.”
What are your feelings about this unnecessarily-separated-onto-4-separate-pages interview?
GLEE:
Have you heard the one about the little Brittana peck that sent a million fangirls into a tizzy over the weekend? In honor of the last show of the Glee live tour in Dublin, they threw together a short skit, during which Brittany mistakes Blaine of being straight and is left alone without anyone to kiss (they put as much effort into that storyline as on the show, I see). Santana then jumps on stage to surprise her crush with a sweet kiss and the crowd collectively lost their ever-loving shit. See also: Kurt & Blaine kiss.
[yframe url=’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lW7rciJ0pfU’]
K.STEW:
Girlfriend is jumping from one iconic role to the next by signing on for a new trilogy: Snow White and the Huntsman. Interestingly, rather than the competing film starring Julia Roberts, this film is getting the Lord of the Rings treatment and going for an epic three-film series.
Sayeth IMDB:
In a twist to the fairy tale, the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) ordered to take Snow White (KStew) into the woods to be killed winds up becoming her protector and mentor in a quest to vanquish the Evil Queen (Charlize Theron).
Producer Joe Roth on why KStew was cast as Snow White: “I hope this is a movie that will appeal to those who find Twilight appealing, but also she is someone who has some piss and vinegar in her.”
PORTIA DE ROSSI:
VegNews (not to be confused with Vag Magazine) exists… and Portia de Rossi is the July/August 2011 covergirl. Interestingly, she never spoke about being vegan during her book tour last fall and explains that she didn’t want people to see going vegan as further manifestation of an eating disorder. She also discusses how she finds being vegan more difficult than being gay:
“Listen, I think it’s more difficult to be vegan than gay. I think people have a harder time accepting it; people feel more uncomfortable with a vegan at their dinner table than they do a lesbian. It’s confronting. It’s kind of suggesting that what someone else is doing is bad or wrong, and it hits them on a more personal level. … If somebody is setting there eating a steak watching you eat polenta, they’re thinking that you’re trying to preach to them or you’re trying to convert them in some way. Whereas with being gay, I don’t think anyone’s concerned that that’s the agenda. “Hey, Mom, you also have to be gay. I’m gay and so should you be!” Certainly when I told her that I was vegan, it forced her to look at her habits.”
MILEY CYRUS:
I ran into her at Dinah Shore last year. Just sayin’.
2011 MTV Movie Awards Celebrate Twilight, Pseudo-Gayness and Also, Twilight
Sure, The MTV Movie Awards have never been known for bestowing great rewards upon spectacular works of cinematic genius. But with the advent of the Twilight franchise, it’s sort of become a really really long commercial for Twilight. There’s a limited number of Twilight movies, right? Like eventually this insanity will end?
“Seriously, Twilight won for best fight over Harry Potter? No. The results are so ridiculous, I don’t even know how to address them. They’re just… incorrect.”
– my intern
We wondered out loud if maybe we’re just too old for MTV now, but I think my 16-year-old self would have had a lot of snobby avant garde artist opinions about the exclusion of Blue Valentine and Robert Pattinson beating Jesse Eisenberg and Harry Potter for the Best Male Performance Crown.
Twilight: Eclipse won five awards, which is ridiculous because it was a terrible movie and there are only 12 awards total. Black Swan lost everything, which is probably because it’s rated R and none of the voters were old enough to get in the theater and it was either fantastic or awful. Harry Potter did not win enough things. The whole ceremony, actually, was not as gay as it was last year.
Here’s who won:
Best Jaw-Dropping Moment: Justin Bieber, Never Say Never
Best Jaw-Dropping Moment Nominees:
– Justin Bieber – Never Say Never (From the MTV website: “Who knew getting a Bieber lap dance would only cost as much as a movie ticket?”)
– James Franco – 127 Hours
– Leonardo DiCaprio and Ellen Page – Inception
– Natalie Portman – Black Swan
– Steve-O – Jackass 3D
Have you ever noticed that Justin Bieber, who one “Best Jaw-Dropping Moment” for appearing on a screen in front of a bunch of 12-year-old girls with crushes on him, looks like a lesbian?
+
Best Female Performance: Kristen Stewart, Twilight
Best Female Performance Nominees:
– Kristen Stewart – Eclipse
– Emma Stone – Easy A
– Emma Watson – Harry Potter
– Jennifer Aniston – Just Go With It
– Natalie Portman – Black Swan
Have you ever noticed that Kristen Stewart sometimes looks like a lesbian?
+
Best Kiss: Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart, Twilight
Best Kiss Nominees
– Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson – Eclipse
– Ellen Page and Joseph Gordon-Levitt – Inception
– Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe – Harry Potter (“I can’t believe this one. It’s like they didn’t watch the movie. It’s not really a relevant plot point. Ugh. Dumb.”)
– Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner – Eclipse
– Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis – Black Swan
This year Robby & Kristy updated their traditional “should we kiss on stage, it’s so awkward” bit — but with a twist involving Rob Pattinson leaving our lovely tomboy all alone up there in her red mini-dress as he leapt over audience members to plant a giant kiss on Taylor Lautner. I believe this was the highlight of the evening.
+
Generation Award: Reese Witherspoon
Reese Witherspoon told the audience that Robert Pattinson “underestimated her lesbianness.” We’re guessing this is actually a perpetual issue for Robert and the women he’s possibly attracted to. From the self-congratulatory MTV Movie Awards Website:
The actor [Robert Pattinson] went on to suggest that Witherspoon had trouble speaking while in a girdle, has a penchant for tequila and that she may or may not be “33 percent lesbian,” as an embarrassed Witherspoon hid her face and laughed from her seat. Pattinson concluded his remarks by saying, “It’s not always a bad thing to have sexual chemistry with your mother,” once again referencing his unseen part in “Vanity Fair.”
“It was good — except for Rob Pattinson. I mean, really: He called me 33 percent lesbian, which was a gross underestimation of my lesbian-ness.”
+
Best Movie: Twilight
Best Movie Nominees
– Twilight: Eclipse
– Black Swan
– Harry Potter
– Inception
– Social Network
+
Best Comedic Performance: Emma Stone, Easy A
I take it back about the gay kiss — the fact that a female won for Best Comedic Performance is the highlight of the evening, although she used her acceptance speech to mention: 1) everyone else in the category is funnier than her, 2) thank you fans, this is so nice.
Best Movie Nominees:
– Emma Stone – Easy A
– Adam Sandler – Just Go With It
– Ashton Kutcher – No Strings Attached
– Russell Brand – Get Him to the Greek
– Zach Galifianakis – Due Date
+
Best Villan, Tom Felton – Harry Potter
Best Villan Nominees:
– Tom Felton – Harry Potter
– Christoph Waltz – The Green Hornet
– Leighton Meester – The Roommate
– Mickey Rourke – Iron Man 2
– Ned Beatty – Toy Story 3
Other winners include Ellen Page in Inception for “Best Scared-As-Shit Performance,” Chloë Grace Moretz in Kick-Ass for “Best Breakout Star,” and Robert Pattinson vs. Bryce Dallas Howard and Xavier Samuel in Eclipse for Best Fight.
Did you watch? Do you care? Was Twilight like the best movie of all time in the history of the whole world? Are the cast of Twilight the only people who still actually show up?
DADT Repeal Could Happen By Mid-Summer, KStew Doesn’t Want To Smile For You
DADT:
It might actually all be happening: it seems like despite the best efforts of Republicans, the eventual actual repeal of DADT is becoming more and more of a reality. The Pentagon says that training is proceeding on schedule, and that training could be “sufficiently finished” by mid-summer to “allow for certification of repeal.” Based on their statements, the Undersecretary of Defense for Personnel & Readiness Clifford Stanley and Director of the Joint Staff Vice Adm. William Gourtney seem at least not completely opposed to the repeal:
According to Stanley, the U.S. military has trained more than 200,000 members of the armed forces on handling open service, or about nine percent of the armed forces.
Gourtney concurred that mid-summer is the time for when certification for repeal is expected to happen.
“It’s really the magnitude of the challenge that’s out there and making sure that as we get our arms around the magnitude of the challenge, we don’t miss anything,” Gourtney said. “So we’re grateful for the deliberate process that has been laid out and we’re [looking at] mid-summer for the recommendation. Followed by 60 days after that, repeal is achievable.”
PETTY OFFICER 2ND CLASS MORADO
And more immediately, there’s the story of Petty Officer 2nd Class Derek Morado, who was outed in 2009 by a photo with another man online, and who faced the threat of discharge under DADT. No one seems to know of any soldiers discharged since Obama’s signing a bill into law, and Morado didn’t want to be the first: his lawyer argued that Morado should be allowed to keep his job because DADT is on its way out. And while the Navy won’t disclose the reasons why he was not discharged, according to a Navy spokesperson, Morado won the right to stay. Even if the Pentagon refuses to acknowledge it, it seems likely that this is a recognition on their part that DADT discharges are finally over; even though they could legally still push them through with a great deal of effort, it would just mean more time, money and resources spent bringing the same soldiers back on when the repeal is officially ‘certified.’ Hopefully this means we can look forward to a future with more stories like Morado’s!
GAY ADOPTION:
The state of Virginia is proposing adding anti-discrimination language around queer adoptive and foster parents. The proposed language states that “The licensee shall prohibit acts of discrimination based on race, color, gender, national origin, age, religion, political beliefs, sexual orientation, disability, or family status to: 1. Delay or deny a child’s placement; or 2. Deny an individual the opportunity to apply to become a foster or adoptive parent.” You can go here to tell the Virginia Department of Social Services that you support the idea!
KSTEW AND FEMINISM:
YOU GUYS SOMEONE WROTE A SMART AND FEMINIST THING ABOUT KRISTEN STEWART. I know, I know, me too. Basically as you may have heard Kristen Stewart is like a HUGE BITCH OR WHATEVER who doesn’t even smile for pictures and that’s like really ungrateful and unattractive right???? Or wait, no it’s not: “Stewart is often a target of a specific kind of body policing: the “smile, baby” requirement. When she appears on the red carpet and does not assure us with her teeth that she is simply thrilled to be reduced to a presence, a dress, a posture, she is often the target of harassment for her expression. There is an expectation of women in general and famous woman in particular to always assure the onlooker that they are happy to be looked upon through smiling, and Stewart rejects this.” THIS ARTICLE INCLUDES THE WORDS “AFFRONT TO THE PATRIARCHY”
LOOK AT THAT NONSMILE
IRELAND:
From April 4 to 15 it’s Stand Up! LGBT Awareness Week in Ireland. Look there’s this really cute video PSA!
PRO-GAY HOCKEY:
Men’s sports teams aren’t necessarily known for their support of differing sexual orientations, but after the tragic death of their manager Brendan Burke the Miami Red Hawks are speaking out on acceptance. “One stereotype that people have about gay people is that they’re predators and they’re going to come on to straight guys,” said defenseman Chris Wideman. “But the one thing I learned from Brendan is that’s not how it is. The idea that a gay guy is going to force himself on you in a shower is totally unrealistic.”
GAY PRIEST:
Father James St. George was fired from his position at Chestnut Hill College, and he says it’s because of his homosexuality. But he’s been hired again basically right away by UPenn! He’ll be teaching on religion, social justice, and urban development.
HARRY POTTER:
Lupin was maybe kind of gay, at least in the movies? I don’t know it’s unclear and also this news comes via twitter.
LESBIAN PROM TUX:
Lesbian high schoolers and prom, am I right, ladies? In this case, it’s good news: Belinda Sanchez, who’s been out since her freshman year, was told by her high school principal that she couldn’t wear a tux to her senior prom. But the LGBT Group at the ACLU stood up for her, and now she’ll go to her prom looking fly. “This sends a negative message to other students that they can’t express who they are,” said John Knight, director of the LGBT Project at the ACLU. “It’s a First Amendment right, a free speech right, and that includes her right to send a message through wearing male clothing that she doesn’t think women should be restricted to traditional female clothing.”
WRITERS:
Jennifer Egan has some wise words for all of us who wanted to go stick our head into a pile of shredded 30 Under 30 lists, and she’s been in The New Yorker and so she must be right. (It works better if you ignore the seeming contradiction there.)
DINAH SHORE:
Thank you for reading and commenting while we were at Girl Bar’s Dinah Shore Weekend! We missed you!
THIS IS DINAH SHORE