Interview With My Ex-Girlfriend: Jenna

Welcome to Interviews With My Ex-Girlfriend, in which Autostraddle writers get back in touch with their ex-girlfriends to ask them Five Simple Questions:

1. How long did we date?
2. Why did we break up?
3. What did you learn from our relationship?
4. What do you miss most about me?
5. Would you invite me to your wedding (why/why not)?

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In 2010, I had an internship in Toronto and there was a girl in my department (after we started dating I referred to her as my boss, but she was not having it) who had long curly hair and wore excellent dresses and had many books about gay politics on her shelves. At the end of the summer I moved back to my city and she moved to it for school, and we went on sexually tense friend dates until she invited me over and got me drunk and kissed me with very enthusiastic consent, and then a year and a bit later we moved to a new city and in together. And then a year and a bit after that we broke up for so, so many reasons.

Carolyn: Okay, so the questions Autostraddle is making me ask you start with: How long were we together, and when?

Jenna: January 4th, 2011, to October 19th, 2013. That is two years and ten months.

Carolyn: How did you count before I told you that date in my email?

Jenna: January? I wouldn’t have said a date, I would have just said the beginning of January.

Carolyn: I feel like I didn’t actually – because I looked at our early Facebook messages – and I don’t think I said something like “Is it okay if I call your my girlfriend?” until February, maybe, but it felt like you were my girlfriend from that night we were both really hungover and went out and then Robyn was on that television in that bar.

Jenna: That’s right! She was! And it was a sports bar.

Carolyn: It was that awful – Trois Brasseurs. Because we went to Starbucks, and you were really hung over and I was just so hung over, and I don’t think either of us were sure that we were going to make it to a bar, or that that would be a good idea, but then we went, and anyway, I definitely count from there.

Okay number two. Why did we break up?

Jenna: We wanted different things.

Carolyn: That is a good answer.

Jenna: It’s pretty accurate.

Carolyn: I mean we could get more complex but it’s very summative. I mean, I don’t know, what do you tell people?

Jenna: I don’t know, do you want to get more specific? For the general readership? We wanted different things, well what does that mean? For example, I’m a more monogamous type of person, whereas you are not.

Carolyn: That is indeed the case. And I, it turns out, am even more kinky than I had previously imagined, and you are less so, and so and thus.

Jenna: Where’d you get that expression?

Carolyn: What expression? “So and thus”? Oh! I think it was in a book. [Ed note: turns out it’s from my current girlfriend, oops.] I also tell people it was because you wanted kids and I don’t, and you couldn’t figure that out in the context of our relationship because with me it was never going to be an option.

Jenna: Yeah, I don’t think I realized how much I at least wanted the possibility of kids on the table until it wasn’t, you know? So that was definitely a factor.

Carolyn: Yeah. The third question, to continue this train of slight awkwardness, is: what do you miss the most about me?

Jenna: There are a couple things. For example, when we would watch TV together, Buffy or something, you would get really into it, and into what was going to happen, and you would have all these crazy wild theories about what was going to happen and they were totally ridiculous and never actually going to come true, which was funny.

Carolyn: That’s a really cute thing to miss!

Jenna: It was just so adorable! And all of the things you would come up with, and I would go [eye roll], yeah, maybe that’ll happen.

Carolyn: Buffy just has so many wild cards. I can rewatch episodes and still do that to myself in my head a little bit because I forget what happens, especially with seasons I’ve seen less of.

Jenna: I also miss us going to bookstores. That’s a bummer. We would go to used bookstores and go to coffee.

Carolyn: That is definitely one of my things as well. Also I miss talking to you about books more. Like, you have so many good recommendations, and I just don’t have someone else who gives me really good recommendations that are specifically to my taste, or adjacent to my taste. If this is the venn diagram of my taste and yours [elaborate Skype hand gestures], there’s a good chunk of overlap between us.

Jenna: I mean, I think there are some genres of books that I like more, but I just read The Interestings because you liked it. I liked it, I think I gave it four stars on Goodreads, but I didn’t give it five and I wouldn’t give it five — I thought it dragged a little bit.

Carolyn: Yeah, it does. If I had not read it while I was trying to not throw up on a plane and doing other things, I think I would have liked it less.

Jenna: Actually I read part of it on a plane too, from Whitehorse to Vancouver. And we were delayed for an hour and a half.

[Five minutes of plane and airport talk redacted.]

Carolyn: I also miss how smart you are. Just about everything. And having that as a daily presence.

Jenna: I don’t feel smart at all.

Carolyn: But your brain is so neat, and I really like the way you think about things, and the critical thought you give to things. Which is a thing that I also do. I miss your brain a lot.

Jenna: Aw, thanks! In a lot of ways we were really good company for each other. In a lot of ways we were really really terrible, but who else can I sit and read with? And, sharing a cider. I miss being able to share a cider.

Carolyn: I don’t drink wine at home because I miss having someone to drink the other three quarters of the bottle. So I open the bottle, and I have two glasses total, and I freeze the rest so if I cook it’s there, but it’s not the same.

Jenna: I mean, now I drink a bottle over a few days, and that’s fine, but it’s always more than I want. And I have not had vegan pizza since you left.

Carolyn: That’s big. I still tell people about that pizza.

Jenna: I guess I could get it without olives and with extra sweet potatoes or something. It just feels like – I don’t know. I just haven’t gotten it. So there’s that. That sucks.

Carolyn: I also miss eating together. I mean I live on my own and I’m trying to cook, but I’m still not aggressively good at it, and so I end up eating exclusively an onion sautéed with broccoli for eight days straight, because there’s no one else around.

Jenna: I miss cooking for someone too. I don’t cook for myself as much as I used to cook for us, because I can make something and it’ll last all week.

Carolyn: I’ve done one Get Baked since we broke up.

Jenna: I wondered about that. And whose kitchen that was!

Carolyn: It was Shannon’s. My usual greens and eggs are not internet material. Okay I’m gonna do question four, because my battery has 33 minutes remaining. What about our relationship impacted your later relationships?

Jenna: This question doesn’t really apply to me right now because I haven’t had any other relationships. But I think that it maybe helped me know a little bit more what I want in a relationship, and I think that I would be much more into establishing up front that we wanted similar things. Whether long term or not. Even if that means I’m just a middle aged lady alone with a cat.

Carolyn: First of all, 35 is not middle aged. Second of all, Rupert is awesome.

Jenna: I’m totally middle aged.

Carolyn: Not yet. Also you still get carded all the time, so.

Jenna: But, you know, I don’t know how much casual dating I really want to do. I’ve done that. And it doesn’t really make me feel that good. Anyway. So I think probably, trying to get what I want on the table to start. It’s hard to say.

Carolyn: What about that person you told me about?

Jenna: That was just a mistake that kind of kept happening.

Carolyn: Okay, number five: Would you at this juncture invite me to your wedding? Why, slash why not?

Jenna: I haven’t been on a date, so. I can’t even conceive of going on a date. Think of how many queer people there are in Ottawa. So it’s very hard for me to think of a place where I would be getting married. I mean, presumably if I was getting married, then it would depend on the type of wedding I were going to have and where it was. Ideally it would be just my parents, and their parents, and [my best friend]. But if it were bigger – maybe? Depending on the size of the theoretical wedding? This is a weird question.

Carolyn: I feel like this might actually be a friendship question? These are the only questions I have to ask you so maybe the point is to figure out where we are now.

Jenna: I mean, I just started changing the house, except for the bedroom, which I changed right away. I just bought new things and started thinking about moving things around on the walls, and that was [July]. And also I filled out the office so it’s not just this empty room.

Is there anything else you want to ask me about our former relationship for the Internet to read?

Carolyn: I mean, is there anything I should ask you about our former relationship for the internet to read?

Jenna: I don’t really think so.

Carolyn: Is there anything I should ask you for the internet to not read?

Jenna: Well…

Carolyn: What if I ask you, would you at this juncture allow me to look after the cat we got together about a year ago?

Jenna: Yes. I know you’d take good care of him.

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Since this interview in July, I have cat sat for Rupert twice. He only sort of destroyed my laptop power cord.

Interview With My Ex-Girlfriend: Becky

Welcome to Interviews With My Ex-Girlfriend, in which Autostraddle writers get back in touch with their ex-girlfriends to ask them Five Simple Questions:

1. How long did we date?
2. Why did we break up?
3. What did you learn from our relationship?
4. What do you miss most about me?
5. Would you invite me to your wedding (why/why not)?

A long time ago in a land far away (early 2008-ish), I met a girl named Becky who asked me to go on a date with her because I hung out with her five times without ever singing “Baby Got Back.” I thought she asked me out because I was smart and funny and oh so charming, but later she told me it was the “Baby Got Back” thing. “No offense,” she said. None was taken. I dated Becky before I started writing my life story on the internet, so she asked me not to share her picture or social media, but she did say I could post “something” from around the time we dated, so.

Heather: Hey, man. Thanks for agreeing to do this interview.

Becky: No worries, man.

Heather: I say “man” too much. It’s a problem. It’s because of Adventure Time, I think.

Becky: Oh, are we going to kick this thing off by talking about how annoyed I used to get that you only wanted to watch cartoons.

Heather: I didn’t only want to watch cartoons! I like a lot of TV! I think you were more annoyed that I like cartoons and comic books and action figures and Legos. A lot of youth culture stuff.

Becky: I wasn’t annoyed by it. I just didn’t understand it at first. It became endearing. I bought you a Hogwarts Express Lego train, didn’t I?

Heather: You did! So there are five questions I’ve got to ask you and you can say whatever you want. I won’t edit it out or anything, no matter how brutal you are.

Becky: You’re a puppy! I’m not going to be brutal to you! But, um, please don’t like link to my Twitter or anything, in case I accidentally do slip up and say something mean. You weren’t a professional lesbian when we were dating.

Heather: Professional lesbian. Ha! So, OK. How long did we date?

Becky: Um, like six months maybe. And then a couple of months of random hookups after that.

Heather: We were much better at just hooking up than being in a relationship.

Becky: No, you were much better at hooking up than being in a relationship. My wife still doesn’t believe me that you never once slept over at my apartment.

Heather: Why did we break up?

Becky: Because you wouldn’t sleep over at my apartment.

Heather: Come on!

Becky: I’m just kidding. Um. I think I was ready to get really serious and start thinking of a future together and you’re — no offense, you’re just kind of — I don’t want to say selfish, because you’re not. You’re always thinking about other people. I think it’s more like, you’re not selfish with your stuff, but you’re selfish with yourself? Which isn’t a bad thing! I think you knew you couldn’t commit the way I wanted you to, right? Anyway, obviously it worked out for both of us in the end.

Heather: Yes, very true. I think we’re both in really good places now, and in relationships that make us very happy. You would have been miserable with me long term.

Becky: I really would have.

Heather: What did you learn from our relationship?

Becky: That you can’t have sex unless it’s completely quiet.

Heather: That’s not true! It doesn’t have to be completely quiet! I have ADHD! Background noise makes me crazy!

Becky: We had to stop having sex dozens of times because my neighbors’ music was too loud, or you needed to turn off the TV, or — do you remember that time off the mountain bike trail with that brass band?

Heather: What the hell was that even? I still don’t know what that was. No one could make out with that much tuba blaring in her ears! Where did that band even come from? We were in that little clearing and it was all birds and crickets and the creek and then TUBA! DRUMS! TRUMPETS!

Becky: It’s funny now, but it was infuriating when it happened. I think I learned a lot from you, Hogan. I had to figure out my own shape in the world before I could be happy. Because, like, I would have twisted myself into any shape for you, and I kind of did, but you knew exactly who you were, or like what your soul’s purpose was on the planet, and you don’t waste time on things that don’t sort of nourish your spirit, and after we broke up, I really worked on myself to figure that out too.

Heather: That’s a really nice, kind of heartbreaking thing to say.

Becky: I don’t feel like it’s heartbreaking. We were so young and stupid. I would have been unhappy forever if I hadn’t learned that lesson. You helped me learn it, even though it sucked. But I’m glad now.

Heather: What do you miss most about me?

Becky: Your germ phobias.

Heather: Yes, that is one of my more endearing qualities.

Becky: And how you won’t ride water rides at amusement parks.

Heather: I don’t want to be walking around all day with squishy wet shoes! And also, the water at those places is disgusting!

Becky: Germ phobia.

Heather: I mean, okay. But seriously, that water is a cesspool. People spit in it and who knows what other stuff. There’s E.Coli in that water. Shigellosis, which gives you dysentery, dude, like from Oregon Trail. Hepatitis A. You can get worms from that water. Like a cat’s butt. Is it worth those risks to cool off? Have a bottle of water and sit in the shade, man.

Becky: I miss that you’re a know-it-all.

Heather: No, you don’t.

Becky: No, I really don’t.

Heather: I get the feeling that you want to air a list of public grievances.

Becky: Ha! No!

Heather: Did I ever tell you this girl I one time dated made a list of 100 annoying things about me when we broke up. She snail mailed it to me and emailed it to me, just to make sure I got the message.

Becky: That’s amazing. Do you still have the list?

Heather: Oh, I’m sure it’s still in my email. Do you want to say the five most annoying things about me and see if it matches up to her list?

Becky: Kind of. Is that awful?

Heather: Nah, you say the five things and I’ll find the email.

Becky: Okay. Um. Number one is how you really do hate noise. I know it’s ADHD or whatever—

Heather: “Or whatever.”

Becky: You know what I mean. I know you can’t help it, but it’s crazy-making. And number two is kind of like number one, which is that if I asked you to go to a party with me, you’d say yes, but then I wouldn’t see you for two weeks because you wanted to sit in a quiet room by yourself. And number three—

Heather: Oh! I found the email! You were wrong about numbers one and two. She says number one is I only ever want to eat Mexican food and number two is I quote the lines of famous movies when I watch them. She’s right, that second thing is annoying.

Becky: I forgot you do that. Yeah, she’s right. That’s my number three.

Heather: Her number three is “too many t-shirts.” Like, I am so sure there’s such a thing as “too many t-shirts.” What’s fourth and fifth for you?

Becky: You were kind of flirty with everyone.

Heather: I’m just nice!

Becky: And number five is every time I called you out on flirting, you’d be like, “I’m just nice,” just like you did right then, and no one can argue with that because you are actually really fucking nice.

Heather: I want a t-shirt that says “I’m really fucking nice.”

Becky: Too many t-shirts!

Heather: Stacy doesn’t care how many t-shirts I own. I buy more and more and she never even complains.

Becky: I don’t really believe in soul mates, but I do believe Stacy was sort of of made for you.

Heather: Yeah. I’m insane crazy in love with her.

Becky: It’s funny to hear you say stuff like that. I mean that in a nice way. I didn’t think you had it in you, Hogan.

Heather: You have to say a thing you actually miss about me now.

Becky: Um. I miss talking to you. That’s what I miss. You can talk about anything. You’re really good at listening, do you know what I mean? You’re really good at being told a story. You laugh and gasp at all the right parts. You ask good questions. You know a lot of stuff.

Heather: You’re a very good storyteller. It’s easy to listen to you. I’ll bet most people find it very easy to listen to you.

Becky: That’s what I miss! I miss how sincere you are when you give people compliments! It’s really easy to believe you when you say nice things. You made me feel like a really good person.

Heather: You are a good person!

Becky: I’ve become grizzled since we last saw each other.

Heather: Grizzled!

Becky: “Grizzled Femme” is a gender identity I am working out.

Heather: Okay, last question. Would you invite me to your wedding? You did invite me to your wedding! It was beautiful, one of the best weddings I’ve ever been to.

Becky: I think so. It was a perfect day.

Heather: And now you’ve got two babies and they are beautiful and also the best. I do think you missed an opportunity to name twin boys “Fred and George,” though.

Becky: Oh, that’s another thing I don’t miss about you: how you’ll interrupt strangers on the street if you think they’re blaspheming Harry Potter.

Heather: They deserve more than to be interrupted if they’re blaspheming Harry Potter.

Becky: Is that all your questions?

Heather: One more. Why didn’t you name your sons Fred and George? That’s a huge failure in your life, Becks.

Becky: I said not to say my name!

Heather: I didn’t say your Twitter! I only said your nickname! (Her Twitter is @MollyWobbles.)

Becky: Shut up, that’s not my Twitter.

Heather: Okay, thanks for doing this interview. I appreciate you telling the world I cannot do sex when it’s noisy.

Becky: You cannot do anything when it’s noisy.

Heather: OKAY, BYE REBECCA.

That was Becky, who still does not like the song “Baby Got Back.” It’s understandable. More understandable than how she didn’t name her twins after the Weasleys.

Interview With My Ex-Girlfriend: Meg

Welcome to Interviews With My Ex-Girlfriend, in which Autostraddle writers get back in touch with their ex-girlfriends to ask them Five Simple Questions:

1. How long did we date?
2. Why did we break up?
3. What did you learn from our relationship?
4. What do you miss most about me?
5. Would you invite me to your wedding (why/why not)?

Grace: Are you ready? Are any of us ready.

Meg: Let’s do this.

Grace: Ok. Five questions. First question: How long were we together, and when?

Meg: We were together from November to the very end of January my sophomore year in college.

Grace: So 2011 to 2012.

Meg: That’s how long we were together. Like together together.

Grace: Right. Why did we break up, to the best of your recollection?

Meg: (laughs)

Grace: Riese and Rachel wrote these questions. It wasn’t me.

Meg: Mhmm, yeah ok. Um. Because I was too busy, and lacrosse season was about to start, so I was just like “we should not be together together,” but I like, said it in a way that made it sound like a mutual decision (laughs) because I’m an asshole and that’s what I do with all my girlfriends.

Grace: It was so funny when that happened, though, because you were like definitely setting it up to be something that we both decided, but it was definitely not. Nobody wants to be the bad guy.

Meg: Yeah, and it’s always like that, like even now, that’s who I am. You know what I mean? I would still do that.

Grace: Right.

Meg: (pause) Sorrrrrrrrrry.

Grace: It’s fine.

Meg: It’s fine, everything’s fine, this is normal.

Grace: (laughing) Oh no, I didn’t read these questions in advance. I should’ve read them before we started.

Meg: (laughs) Is this the first time this interview is being done?

Grace: Yes.

Meg: YES, I’m so happy to be the pioneer! Pioneer ex!

Grace: The third question: What do you miss the most about me?

Meg: Oh, oh god. Oh god. Ok. Um.

Grace: This is the worst because we’re still friends!

Meg: Yeah, but there… you know what I mean… we’re. (sighs) Well. I’d have to say, you kind of pushed me at a time when I needed to be pushed into the queer community, if that makes sense. Like a lot of people I know, especially queer people and other people I’ve dated, they don’t really associate with the community, and you do. That’s like, a large part of who you are. So you kind of pushed me into that, and I guess I miss that connection. (laughs) I think this is the way I want to phrase it, I don’t know. To kind of force yourself to say “yeah, I’m queer and stuff.” Because that’s a thing that the whole community doesn’t do! There’s a lot of gay people who don’t hang out with other gay people, which I think is why we can’t get shit done (in the LGBTQ rights movement).

Grace: Especially in the Midwest.

Meg: Yeah, especially in the Midwest.

Grace: There are the people who hang out with queer people and the “happen to be queer” people.

Meg: Yeah, I’ve even heard other people in the Midwest being like “I hate gay guys,” and I’m like, you ARE a gay guy, and that’s upsetting to hear.

Grace: Remember when you didn’t think white privilege was a thing?

Meg: Look how far we’ve come.

Grace: Yeah, now you’re like, the queen of the gays at Otterbein, calling people out on their second-wave feminism and shit.

Radio: Info desk to building manager

(both laugh)

(We did the interview at The Ohio Union, where I used to work and where Meg was working a shift as an AV technician. I got Meg a job there around April 2012, and she’s worked there off-and-on ever since.)

Meg: (Turns down the radio) This is great, leave this in.

Grace: Question four, we’re getting there.

Meg: We’re doing good so far!

Grace: What about our relationship impacted your later relationships?

Meg: (laughs) YOU don’t have to say anything in this process? It’s all me?

Grace: I mean, I can say something if you, like, set me up to say it. This is an interview with you, weirdo.

Meg: Oh, that’s true. Um. Kind of like, the way I approach relationships, I guess. Like after you, I got much more serious.

Grace: Thanks.

Meg: I know. Sorry you missed out. Whooooooops. It’s fine. No, it’s just like, it changed me as a person, I guess. But every relationship does, I dunno. I just see it as a big stepping-forward into my maturity and a more mature way of thinking. Just because of where I was in my life was all.

Grace: I think we both did a lot of growing up surrounding that relationship. It was a pivotal time. I mean, what, we were both like around 20, 21.

Meg: And I had just freshly come out to my parents. So I was out out.

Grace: Me too!

Meg: Yeah!

Grace: All of the happened during that relationship.

Meg: And thinking about that and how it impacted you, and I just kind of left. It’s something that still makes me feel really bad. I was a shitty person at the time, so.

Grace: I mean, I think you made a good call.

Meg: (laughs)

Grace: (laughs) Good job terminating that relationship when you did.

Meg: Oh, you mean terminating that relationship when WE did? I’m just kidding, it was all me.

Grace: Are you ready for the last question?

Meg: Yes.

Grace: Would you, at this juncture, invite me to your wedding? Why or why not?

Meg: (scoffs) Clearly yes. First of all, I would need a sound operator.

Grace: (laughs) You’re the worst.

Meg: I know, I am the worst. I would also need an intern.

(both laugh)

Meg: No, but like I said, I talk openly with you more than anybody else really.

Grace: Aww.

Meg: I know, it’s true.

Grace: You can keep saying nice things about me. This is very good for my ego.

Meg: Really, even though I just ripped on you twice?

Grace: This is why we broke up.

Meg: Shhhh. You’ve become one of my best friends, and I think we’ve both, or at least I’ve — you know what I mean? — we probably could’ve been just friends all along and been fine.

Grace: I’m sure, yeah. I think we made good decisions the whole way through, the entire time we’ve known each other. The relationship made sense at the time.

Meg: It did. It really did.

Grace: We couldn’t do that shit now.

Meg: Oh no.

Grace: That’d be the dumbest thing.

Meg: No, it would be so different.

Grace: But I think it was a good call at the time. I think we both needed that, even though it was short.

Meg: It was short but it was… “heavy” isn’t the word I want. “Dense,” I guess, maybe.

Grace: It was dense.

Meg: A lot of things happened in that short period of time.

Grace: A lot of things rippled out after that, too.

Meg: And our willingness to stay in contact, even if not all the time, we can still revisit that “hi, we’re friends still” thing. (yelling) Whether you want it or not!

Grace: (laughs) Even after we broke up, there wasn’t really a period of time where we weren’t like, friends. There were a couple weeks where we weren’t, like good friends.

Meg: Oh no, I remember those very clearly.

Grace: Do you have anything else you want to add?

Meg: Yes, I would definitely invite you to my wedding. I just want to reiterate that. That’s a stupid question.

Grace: Not for other people.

Meg: That’s true. But then at the same time, do you want to interview about a relationship that went really sour really fast?

Grace: YES.

Interview With My Ex-Girlfriend: Alex

Welcome to Interviews With My Ex-Girlfriend, in which Autostraddle writers get back in touch with their ex-girlfriends to ask them Five Simple Questions:

1. How long did we date?
2. Why did we break up?
3. What did you learn from our relationship?
4. What do you miss most about me?
5. Would you invite me to your wedding (why/why not)?

Hello it’s me, Riese. While in Big Bear for our annual senior staff retreat, I decided to interview Autostraddle co-founder Alexandra Vega about our torrid relationship, which lasted for an ambiguous amount of time in the 2007-2010 era. Intern Grace recorded the interview, which seemed to provide great entertainment for the whole family, especially the parts we had to cut.

Topics we should’ve covered but forgot to include: how everybody thought we were twin sisters, that time Alex told me she wanted to be loved like a puppy is loved. And now she’s dating a dog trainer! See everything works out for everybody in the end.

No but really — people are always amazed that Alex and I work together still, and not gonna lie, it is really fucking hard sometimes and we super-often drive each other nuts. But I think part of why our past relationship doesn’t get in the way of our working relationship is ’cause we are really different people, and we knew that from the get-go, which’s why neither of us anticipated the relationship lasting forever. We launched Autostraddle fully aware that our working relationship would outlive our romantic one (we also were broken up for around a month when Auto launched, but then got back together). We learned a lot from each other, made a few videos, wrote some articles, were supportive of one another’s dreams and had a lot of fun, though, and now we talk to each other like insane old ladies on a porch drinking moonshine!

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RIESE: Okay, are you ready? Are you recording?

ALEX: What am I preparing for right now? What is this?

RIESE: This is an “Interview With Your Ex-Girlfriend.” It’s a new feature that we’re doing for Autostraddle Plus.

ALEX: You know, good luck to the person who’s going to transcribe this.

RIESE: First question — do you like anal sex?

ALEX: Are these questions about our relationship or about me as a person?

INTERN GRACE: That was Riese going off the script.

RIESE: “Do you like anal” isn’t an actual question on the list of required questions. But do you like anal?

ALEX: Yes, absolutely.

RIESE: Really? Do you like anal now?

ALEX: Are you serious?

RIESE: Okay, Alex still doesn’t like anal. Follow-up question: how long were we together and when?

ALEX: In my head it’s a year and a half.

RIESE: It’s two years and a half.

ALEX: Two years and a half? Get the fuck out of here! Oh yeah, no, you’re right. No, you’re right. Like mid-2008 to like more than mid-2010, so over two years.

RIESE: Alex is really bad at math.

ALEX: Okay, over two years. There it is.

RIESE: Although technically we were sort of seeing each other for longer than that. It was like seven months of sort-of seeing each other before we were officially together.

ALEX: While you were seeing your —

RIESE: Other girlfriend.

ALEX: Other girlfriend. Which is why I don’t count that time. Because I wasn’t emotionally invested in you because I knew that.

RIESE: Yeah, from like November 2007 until about May 2008 my ex and I were sort of trying to date again which is another story. Spring 2008 I think is when you and me “officially” started dating and then we broke up in the fall of 2010. But we did so much together before we were officially together because even though we were super-broke, we had a super-rich liar friend who took us on vacations.

ALEX: Accurate.

RIESE: Yes. And that was romantic. Next question: why did we break up, to the best of your recollection?

ALEX: You moved to San Francisco.

RIESE: And you moved to L.A. That’s it. We had the easiest break-up ever. Okay, next question: What do you miss the most about me?

[pause]

RIESE: Tell them about the toeing.

ALEX: The what?

RIESE: The toeing. The toeing!

ALEX: I miss the toeing. And the anal.

RIESE: Of course you miss the anal.

ALEX: I miss being topped by you.

RIESE: This one time Alex and I were hooking up and Alex was like, “are you still claiming to be the top in this relationship?” Anyhow, you have to be honest what you miss the most about me. Was it how your parents fell in love with me right away?

ALEX: Was it all those times that you cooked me dinner? Was it all those times we stayed up until three in the morning on our computers?

RIESE: Okay, so, here’s the thing! We started not-dating at the end of 2007, officially dating mid-2008, and didn’t launch Autostraddle until like mid-2009!

ALEX: You were still on your computer constantly, making me do stuff.

RIESE: This is about what you miss about me.

ALEX: Oh, right, okay.

RIESE: Also, the first time we met was because you were gonna design something for me after finding me through my L Word recaps, so computing brought us together.

ALEX: Yeah. Well, I was gonna design something for [your friend] Haviland, and then you were like, heeeyy..

RIESE: Am I like torturing you with this question?

ALEX: Okay. There was like — it’s hard to describe or find a word for it, but it’s probably that feeling of like — we were young, we were in New York, we were being crazy, having adventures, having fun, that sort of feeling. This New York feeling that I can’t describe, really. Because I’m not good at describing things.

RIESE: I think it’s hunger.

ALEX: Yes. Or malnutrition.

RIESE: No, not literal hunger.

ALEX: Sometimes literal.

RIESE: That’s not true. We ate food. We didn’t like live on the street with our laptops! I think it’s hunger for, like, experiences.

ALEX: Right, like I never got — I always say I’m from New York and I went to school there, but I lived a half-hour outside of New York (in Long Island), because I couldn’t afford New York. So it was like I was cheating. I was able to afford to live in New York because I would just stay at my girlfriend’s house, which was you, and then we’d be in New York, we’d do New York things together. And that was the only time in my life that I had the chance to to do that because the city is so fucking expensive I wouldn’t have had the opportunity otherwise.

RIESE: So you miss my apartment?

ALEX: No, I don’t miss your apartment. It was awful.

RIESE: But so you missed where my apartment was located?

ALEX: No. See, you want to be an asshole! I liked going to your apartment. I liked going to see you at your apartment. I helped you paint your apartment in Harlem! I hung out there so much with you. We were doing things that we believed in, that we dreamed of, and that was part of this New York experience. And you’re part of that. Not just the website, but being in New York, jumping on the train, experiencing all of it together.

RIESE: Okay, [your present girlfriend] Mary will approve of that answer. The thing you miss the most about me was the location of my apartment. The next question is, “What about our relationship impacted your later relationships?”

ALEX: Well, like, you were my second girlfriend. And my first girlfriend was like my everything and that puppy love and that ridiculous love you have so many feelings about. I guess our relationship was like a legitimate adult relationship where I was trying to figure out what I wanted or what I didn’t want out of life or a relationship. That’s one part. I mean, it’s complicated.

RIESE: Next question — would you at this juncture invite me to your wedding? Why or why not?

ALEX: Uh, yes. Because we own a business together.

RIESE: Nice!

ALEX: You know I — you know that I will always give you a hard time about everything.

RIESE: Uh huh.

ALEX: Yes, I would invite you to my wedding! Obviously.

RIESE: Yeah, no, I know you would invite me to your wedding.

ALEX: But you want to know why.

RIESE: No, I don’t, actually. That’s just the question I’m supposed to ask you, I’m not genuinely curious. It’d be super weird if you didn’t invite me to your wedding.

ALEX: Yeah, it would be weird.

RIESE: Honestly, I think things like that are normal for us because our relationship was never crazy serious. Our breakup conversation was like, “Okay well, so we’re moving, and I love you and will miss you so much, but we’re gonna live in different cities and I don’t think there’s a point in doing long distance.” And you were like, “Yeah, I feel the same way. I love you a lot and I can’t imagine my life without you, but we’re going to different cities.” And I was like, “So I guess we should break up.” And you were like, “Yeah, I guess we’ll break up at the end of the summer.” And that was that!

ALEX: It was pretty easy.

RIESE: Yeah.

ALEX: But you were — I mean, would you ever say that you were ever in love with me?

RIESE: Would you say you were in love with me?

ALEX: No, no, I wouldn’t.

RIESE: Yeah, no.

ALEX: I never did. I was very honest about that from the beginning.

RIESE: No, actually you did say that you were in love with me at one point.

ALEX: Well, if I — I don’t know. I don’t know if I did. I said I love you. I always loved you and I still love you. I love you.

RIESE: The time you said it, I think, was because you thought that’s what you were supposed to say? Then you said you didn’t know, it was confusing because in your last relationship, you’d gotten hurt a lot and there was all this pain and drama, and you didn’t know if that seemed more like being in love than our relationship did just because it was so painful.

ALEX: I was not aware of what those things meant. Like, “in love” versus “love.” And I was trying to figure that out at the time.

RIESE: We had a weird relationship, because we were in our twenties and we were together for a long time but we weren’t obsessed with each other or in love.

ALEX: Well, we were doing this thing, this website, that we were both are equally invested in and were involved in. It’s honestly tied us together now pretty strongly. I mean, the relationship was what it was, period, but then I think when you added the website onto it in 2009, on the second year of the relationship, that added more of like, all right, we’re doing this thing together.

RIESE: Yeah. Well, I think by the end, when we were both preparing to move away and everything, it was more of a working relationship.

ALEX: Yeah. Well, that’s good to hear. Because I think that I was aware that I was not in love with you. But I loved the relationship. I thought it was like really good for me. Like when I wanted to go out and do things, you didn’t. And I did. And it was that simple. There was no like bullshit involved. Unlike my last relationship.

RIESE: Yeah, we had a weird relationship.

ALEX: Weird as in “really well-functioning”?

RIESE: Do we want to talk about when our relationship got really dramatic and you knocked over my lamp and then ran out into the snow?

ALEX: You know what’s the best part about that story? It was that you knocked over the lamp. First of all.

RIESE: No, you did!

ALEX: And second of all, do you know what we were arguing over?

RIESE: No.

ALEX: Free food at the event we had just come from and the fact that you didn’t eat it and I did.

RIESE: Really?

ALEX: Yeah, I was like, it was free! Why didn’t you eat it!?

RIESE: I had to chase you outside, and it was snowing and you had your coat on — you ran out! But you didn’t run very far.

ALEX: You wanted to catch me that quickly. You ran after me really fast. That was just such a funny, ridiculous moment where I was like, I can’t believe that happened. And we were like — I swear to god we were arguing about we had just come from an event that had free food.

RIESE: Yeah.

ALEX: And she was like — we got home and you were like, “I’m hungry” and I was like, there was food at the event and it was free!

RIESE: I didn’t like it, though!

ALEX: What the fuck?

RIESE: I didn’t like the food. What event had we gone to?

ALEX: I don’t give a fuck if you don’t like the food. It’s free, you know?

RIESE: Okay. I think that also we should mention that we had good times.

ALEX: Also that I’m Puerto Rican.

RIESE: Would you or would you not say that the primary conflict in our relationship was racial tension?

ALEX: Absolutely. Absolutely.

RIESE: We had good times because we kept making friends with super-rich generous people.

ALEX: You kept making friends with super-rich people. You have a weird karma. It’s like it’s interesting these certain patterns that you see with people. I cannot for the life of me attract a super-rich person, but you, you usually got it in the bag every time.

RIESE: Not usually though! I mean, now I really need a super-rich generous friend so I can give all of you a raise.

ALEX: It was like, as soon as we realized [REDACTED] was lying about everything, then you met [REDACTED] with her weird boss who had a $25,000 a month apartment —

RIESE: $40,000.

ALEX: I thought it was 25 grand a month. It was 40 grand a month?

RIESE: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I’m making that up, I tend to exaggerate over time.

ALEX: In the Donald Trump Whatever The Fuck.

RIESE: Top of the Trump Towers. Like crazy most ridiculous fucking apartment ever.

ALEX: It was the castle in the sky that we would visit.

RIESE: Actually we were working so much then that you and I eventually just moved in. We’d run around in our socks singing along to the RENT soundtrack and work all day at a table with a stripper pole in the middle. We slept on a circular bed that rotated and it had a mirror over it and there was a leopard print rug on the floor.

ALEX: It’s interesting to me that this doesn’t happen to me, but it happens to you. Because I can’t. I don’t have anybody who’s going to give me anything. It’s probably because I’m Puerto Rican.

RIESE: But I gave you things! All I do when people give me things is give them to my friends.

ALEX: Yes you did. That’s true.

RIESE: Maybe that’s the karma. Anyhow, so maybe what you got out of our relationship was nice food, an iPhone, an optimally located apartment, nice beds, nice hotels.

ALEX: The hotels were amazing. We had the best time on all those trips.

RIESE: We went to Miami, Disneyworld — where else did we go? I don’t remember. We went places. We got to sit in the front to see the Spice Girls in New Jersey.

ALEX: The best concert of my life.

RIESE: We got a lot of free food.

ALEX: That you didn’t eat. I’m just kidding.

RIESE: It was that one time.

ALEX: Just tying it in to the previous story.

RIESE: I know, you’re just trying to bring it back around. It’s fine.

ALEX: Are we done here?

RIESE: You lived with your parents while we were together. Can we add that?

ALEX: No!

RIESE: It’s okay, I lived with your parents too.

ALEX: Yeah, for two weeks.

RIESE: Almost a month! You are so bad at remembering how long things took!

ALEX: This is end scene. I said that. I said end scene.

RIESE: I lived with Alex’s parents for a month.

ALEX: It was during the Obama election because we were tweeting like crazy. I was on my computer like crazy.

RIESE: Yeah we were obsessed with the election and then I moved into the place on Claremont on election day. You could have said that you missed that I was smart and told you about things that you didn’t know about, like NPR.

ALEX: Yeah, actually that’s true.

RIESE: And I told you about gender.

ALEX: Okay. Going on that. Yeah, like that is true. You played a huge part in shaping who I am today and how I feel about things. I’ve always had feelings about things but I didn’t understand why or what they meant, and you were a huge piece of a very small puzzle that started putting those feelings into context for me, what those feelings meant in the real world. You were the first person who I talked to about stuff in a smart way, having smart discourse and debates. Meanwhile, and I love my parents, but my Dad has a lot of feelings and and when they talk, they just yell. They just yelled all the time! It gets really emotional. But with you, I realized, oh, it’s cool. I can have a conversation that is about something important too and not completely lose it. And we could talk about these things all the time! That discourse, that context — feminism — you brought that perspective into my life and changed me and how I felt about the world. Definitely. 100%.

RIESE: [pats herself on the back] Good job.

ALEX: Yeah, pat yourself on the back. [to the microphone] She’s patting herself on the back currently.

RIESE: So I guess that wraps it up. Alex broke my lamp. I made her smarter.

ALEX: You made out with [REDACTED].

RIESE: I did not. She kissed me and I pushed her away.

ALEX: You made out with [REDACTED] at Beauty Bar.

RIESE: I did not. She kissed me and I pushed her away!

ALEX: Ask anybody who was there that night!

RIESE: Alex, you were there.

ALEX: They will tell you that she made out with [REDACTED].

RIESE: They will not because that never happened! She’d barely even touched my lips when I was like “NOPE.”

ALEX: Everyone always kisses Riese and she has nothing to do with it ever.

RIESE: Okay. Okay. All right. That’s not true! That has happened like TWICE with girls. I’m usually the one who makes the first move because I’m so fucking impatient.

ALEX: I kissed you.

RIESE: Nope, I kissed you.

ALEX: In the bathroom.

RIESE: I said either you could stand in line or you could —

ALEX: Yeah, you gave me a choice.

RIESE: I said you could stand in line, or you could come in with me right now.

ALEX: Because I’m the one who had to pee, yeah.

RIESE: You didn’t pee though.

ALEX: Right! I was like, yeah, I’m single, let’s do this. This is great.

RIESE: And you never peed.

Interview With My Ex-One-Night-Stand: Fiona

Welcome to Interviews With My Ex-Girlfriend Ex-One-Night Stand, in which Autostraddle writers get back in touch with their ex-girlfriends ex-one-night stands to ask them Five Simple Questions:  (these questions are specific to one-night stands!) why did we end up sleeping together at all, did anything about our sexual encounter surprise you, what do you think the soundtrack to our sexual encounter should’ve been, why did we stop sleeping together and would you invite me to your wedding (why/why not)?

An interview with Fiona, my very first one-night stand and now dear friend.

Maddie: Are you ready? I’m starting recording.

Fiona: I’m just gonna get some water and a mandarin orange.

Maddie: Ok. We have that on the record.

Fiona: Ok, you should transcribe that, so everybody knows. I have no food in the house because I moved in yesterday, but I bought some mandarin oranges.

Maddie: Good. Ok, are you ready? Do you have your water? Do you have your orange?

Fiona: I have my water. I have my orange.

Maddie: Ok. The first question is… Why did we end up hooking up at all?

Fiona: [NAME REDACTED]!!!

[laughter]

Fiona: Umm… an ex-mutual friend pointed us in one-another’s direction at a rave during the second weekend of your freshman year of college, which was my sophomore year of college. Um, and you were pretty! So I took you home.

Maddie: That’s pretty much how I remember it, yeah. So, did anything about our sexual encounter surprise you?

Fiona: Um, the thing that surprised me most about our first sexual encounter is that you didn’t want to have sex.

Maddie: YOU didn’t want to have sex!

Fiona: YOU didn’t want to have sex!

Maddie: Well, yes, I think I didn’t want to have sex, but I also remember that YOU said we weren’t going to have sex.

Fiona: I don’t remember the exact sequence of events. I certainly would have never wanted you to feel like you had to have sex, obviously.

Maddie: Ya.

Fiona: Maybe I was really drunk and already too tired to have sex, that’s possible. I mean, it was a rave!

Maddie: It was a rave. …But I remember we were walking back to your dorm, and you had like three preconditions or something, and I don’t remember what two of them were, but I think one of them was that we weren’t actually going to have sex.

Fiona: Ok, then I think the most surprising thing about our first sexual encounter is that I forgot that I didn’t want to have sex. Put that on the record.

Maddie: Ok.

Fiona: No, to be perfectly honest with you, I was pretty drunk and it’s a little blurry.

Maddie: Fair enough. Question 3: what do you think the soundtrack to our sexual encounter should have been?

Fiona: Oh, I’m so bad at music. So bad. I think I’m too bad at music to answer this question. Strike this all from the record. I can’t give an informed answer.

Maddie: It is so stricken. Ok, oh I’m excited for you to answer this question, which is, why did we stop sleeping together?

Fiona: That’s a funny question — it depends on how you define stop, or I guess like, press pause for a really long time.

[laughter]

Fiona: Well, oh wait! No! There is a good answer to this question! Because I didn’t think it was a good idea to pursue a thing — mostly, in reality, because I was not ready to pursue a thing — when you were two weeks into your freshman year. That seemed to be a good excuse. I had a lot of fun sleeping around my freshman year, and I wouldn’t want anyone else to feel like they couldn’t do the same if they felt so inclined, and so I said something along the lines of, “You’re a freshman!” to which you replied, “Sure, but I’m also older than you are!” Which is, in fact, the case. And then we didn’t speak for a year? Two years?

Maddie: A year.

Fiona: And then we started sleeping together again. Well but that wasn’t ’til…

Maddie: Well then we became friends after a year. But when WAS the next time we hooked up?

Fiona: Well I remember it was winter time. We were near my house and we were holding hands in the snow and you called it nature glitter.

Maddie: Oh yeah! I think we had been at a birthday party for like a second.

Fiona: But I don’t remember whose party.

Maddie: I don’t either.

Fiona: I just remember the nature glitter. So it was sometime in the winter of my senior year.

Maddie: Ok, so the final question is, Would you, at this juncture, invite me to your wedding? Why or why not?

Fiona: Of course I would invite you — well, the thing is, I wouldn’t have a wedding. If I HAD a wedding, of course you would be invited — why wouldn’t you be at my wedding?

Maddie: Well, if you didn’t have one!

Fiona: Yes. But hey, instead, I’m going to have a massive party for my first baby’s one month, because that’s what you do to celebrate the birth of a new baby when you turn one month old in — I was going to say “in Chinese culture,” but that makes me sound like a white person, like, lumping all of east Asia together while getting her cultural relativism on. That’s what we do in my dad’s family, the culture I was raised in, whatever you want to call it — you celebrate the baby’s birth at one month. At my one-month, for example, there are pictures of me next to my suckling pig in an heirloom Christening gown from the 1800’s on my mom’s side of the family. A bicultural upbringing right there… So I’m going to have a like wedding equivalent for my child’s one-month – a huge party with everyone I know, to celebrate the start of my family, which I think is kind of the point of a wedding. And I’m gonna wear a bangin’ dress, though I will be one month out from having my baby, so…

Maddie: I bet you could still rock a bangin’ dress.

Fiona: But I’m gonna have that party, and if you weren’t there, I’d be very upset.

Maddie: I’m really excited for that party.

Fiona: Some people are going to be upset by the suckling pig, but it’s gotta happen.