Episode 202 GLEE Recap: It’s Britney/Brittany, B*tch

Full disclosure: I’m writing this from a bubble bath and my N-key keeps sticking so this is literally a labor of love for you guys.

Last week we met two potential new Glee kids — Sunshine the Philippina Wondersinger ChildstarGenius and “Chord Overstreet,” the lovechild of Justin Bieber & Justin Taylor, who I’d like to call “Justin Squared” — and saw both young dreamers get a bit sidelined by Finn & Rachel.  The important thing to know here is that neither new kid showed up this week, so all the Justin Squared jokes I prepared while making my wholesome, life affirming dinner of grilled cheese and Ruffles are useless here.

So, this week the Gleeks decide they wanna be “current.” Specifically, they’d like to do Britney Spears, a dream which Schuester squashes like a giant slimy bug with the shoe of his vocabulary and love for Christopher Cross/Michael Bolton.

Mr. Shu: Can you tell me who Christopher Cross is?
Brittany: He discovered America.

I had a similar theory. Anyhow, I grew up mocking Britney while listening to 90’s college rock – even when 1999 had closed down shop – so perhaps this explains my surprise when she’s considered relevant. (Meanwhile the entire Autostraddle editorial board has been looking forward to this episode with words like “epic” and “greatest television moment of all time” and perhaps Alex & Riese broke several New Jersey speed limits, made a few U-Turns and almost killed a man at Wendy’s to make it home for this triumphant musical experience.) So, I’m going to hop in my TARDIS and go back to that glorious time.

Brittany doesn’t want to do Britney Spears, ’cause she’s been living in Britney’s shadow all her life due to their phoenetically similar names. (Britney S. Pierece = say that ten times fast). Will’s anti-Brit-Brit and now Brittany’s giving him an excuse which he’ll run with all the way to the crappy car he will replace later in this episode, but basically he’s stuck in the past… I mean, Britney Spears is “morally questionable.” Hm.

We meet Uncle Jesse (his name is, apparently, “Carl,” but here he’s Uncle Jesse, k?), Emma’s dentist boyfriend who is very orange and talks to Emma like she’s four and helps her enjoy a variety of colored grapes. He’s gonna make ALL YOUR PLAQUE BLUE WITH A PILL so he can see how crappily you brush. Rachel has gross teeth. So does Brittney, who gargles with Dr. Pepper.

Cue music! Brittany lands in Uncle Jesse’s chair (I should call him Dr. Uncle Jesse out of respect) and has a under-anesthetic hallucination-dream-thing where she reenacts multiple iconic Britney fashion statements while singing “I’m A Slave 4 U.” Including the snake. [I hate snakes. My childhood snake trauma comes from growing up in the rural south, where sometimes they’d end up in the house and my grandmother would kill them with brooms. WITH. BROOMS.]

This is much sexier:

Brittany’s teeth are so bad she needs a second dentist visit, but she brings her girlfriend I MEAN BEST FRIEND Santana this time although Santana doesn’t need dental care.

Getting stoned on whatever the hell dentist-gas they used is the new huffing/sudafed guys. Really expensive huffing for people with good dental insurance.

(At this point the Autostraddle Editors have completely abandoned their laptops and are sitting, mouths agape and heads exploding with delight, saying things like “omg” and “this is happening.”)

This time they jointly hallucinate a reenactment of the “Me Against the Music” video, which is like… super lesbionic, except the random dudes they keep throwing in. I cry into the cookie dough I’m eating. Then Brittany hallucinates Britney is talking to her and it’s pretty clear that Brittany wants to get commitment-ceremonied to Britney, amirite?

Meanwhile, in the Rachel Berry School of Boyfriend Possession we learn that football isn’t part of the core curriculum. She likes being the only thing that makes Finn “happy” (despite the fact that he’s miserable and being bullied by the same homophobes who harassed Kurt last year, because this is what everyone wants from their high school experience).

Brittany & Santana swing by to let Rachel know she dresses like “the bait girls on To Catch a Predator.” Finn laughs ’cause it’s kinda true.

This means Rachel’s gotta visit the dentist, have her own gas-induced dream of reenaccting the “Baby One More Time” video and subsequently rocks the sexy schoolgirl outfit to school the next day, which totally kills the “bait girl” look. (Also Real Britney makes one of three cameos:)

Finn freaks out and tries to cover Rachel up. I want to hand these two a pamphlet on Healthy Relationships For Teens with “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG” written on the front in marker. Unfortunately the only available pamphlets in Emma’s office are about “Hair Down There.”

Will ends up in Dr. Uncle Jesse’s Group Hallucination Chair, where they try to out-bro each other but lack quality hallucinations.

Will says he won’t stop trying to steal Dr. Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend unless Emma shows interest. He rides a teeny tiny sparklebug of hope to the car dealership and gets something yellow and shiny.

Sue, having found the blog-boy naked masturbating in the library to Rachel Berry fantasies, brings Will into the caf for a one-on-one in which she attempts to throw a rock in the still, shallow, yet beautiful, pond that is this episode.

BUT WILL WANTS TO GET WILD and go against Sue’s advice, sweaty ass-stains be damned! This is how I make my decisions, too, Will: I look in the mirror and think of my greatest enemies and ask myself, “What would Sean Hannity/Dave Matthews/Judge Judy/the people that invented Pepsi do?” And then I do the opposite.

If you thought Will rapping was bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet, because now he’s gonna perform ‘Toxic” with New Directions. It’s a great little performance if you totally forget that Will hip-pumping Santana is the creepiest thing I’ve ever witnessed on this show.

Of course this performance sends the children into a Britney Spears sex riot and lest she allow her own head explode into a KY Intense Blob of Pre-Adolescent Hormonal Toxic Desire, Sue pulls the fire alarm.

Obviously it wouldn’t be an episode of Glee without Sue threatening to ruin Glee in another fashion for the 5011th time. Unfortunately for her, Will Schuester is a cyborg and will never die, even if his funding gets cut 23% and the entire Broadway cast of Xanadu joins Vocal Adrenaline.

HOW IT ALL ENDS UP: Artie ends up on the football team after a rendition of “Stronger” – who cares how it happens, IT HAPPENS. There are at least two other Britney cameos, like this one:

Finn makes it back on too, which pisses off Rachel, who tells him that he has to choose between football and her. SOMEONE HAND ME THAT PAMPHLET NOW.

Quinn approaches Finn and wants to get back together and Finn says no and at first I’m going did you just screw Quinn out of every ounce of character development that she earned last year? Except no! It’s a test. Rachel asked Quinn to test Finn’s love for her. …oh.

Will Freaking Schuester moans about something I wasn’t actually listening to about how his life is meaningless without Emma.

Rachel closes out the ep with Paramore song and a special Jordan Catalano/Angela Chase holding-hands-in-the-hallway moment.

All the girls sing along. Quinn gives Puck a meaningful look that somehow relates to the song or whatever. Next week’s episode is about spirituality; time to pull our souls out of the closet and make up for alll the homosexy material this week with a big dose of damnation.

Kurt’s Gleefully Gay Boyfriend Revealed, For Real This Time

Over the summer the internets were abuzz with excitement when Chord Overstreet was cast as McKinley High’s new star quarterback and Glee club member.  Especially because news broke around the same time that Kurt would finally be getting a boyfriend – and how amazing for the new gay character to be a football star of all things? Well, that ain’t happening. Chris Colfer (Kurt) rationalizes:

“After seeing the [premiere], I feel like it’s not going to happen because all the girls are going to fall in love with him and they’re not going to want to see [him with Kurt],” he says. “And I don’t want to be the guy girls hate. I’m the gay guy the girls love. I don’t want to become the target. I don’t want the letters that say, ‘Kurt needs to get off our man. Stop kissing our boyfriend.’ Young girls can be vicious. I don’t want to know how Kristen Stewart feels. I don’t want to be the Bella of the Glee world. I like being the guy everyone likes.

So, while Chord Overstreet’s character was saddled with the burden of boring heterosexuality, Ryan Murphy cast the new role of Blaine who is 100% confirmed HOMO. Darren Everett Criss will be playing Blaine, a gay student from a rival school glee club and that face/hair combo is sure to launch a thousand fanfics.

Speaking of fanfic, Darren is known to the internet as the star of A Very Potter Musical, a YouTube musical spoof of Harry Potter.

This still doesn’t explain why Jane Lynch was heavily hinting that Chord Overstreet would still be hooking up with Kurt in a recent interview. When asked about Kurt’s boyfriend she told E-Online:

“They’ve cast him already. He’s tall, boyish, with straight blond hair and big fat, pouty lips.”

They should probs bring in Brian Kinney too and we can watch it all play out together. Also, check out the video Criss submitted to Glee during the show’s open casting call this summer.

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This officially makes Glee the gayest show on television (as if there were any doubt) with two gay characters, three out stars (Chris Colfer, Jane Lynch, new cast member Cheyenne Jackson) and one very gay creator.

Glee Episode 201: Brittany Wants to Touch Boobs

Tuesday night was the season premiere of Glee on Fox. I think the best part was the beginning, but I cannot confirm this with 100% certainty because I actually missed the first two minutes. So according to Carly’s tweet, this is the truth. I think that kid with the crazy curly hair was interviewing the students about rumors from the internet, and it was funny because they were bringin’ it back around. The fact that Mr. Schuster shouldn’t rap was brought up.

[Images from Gleeky]

I kind of just want to talk about next weeks Britney/Brittany episode considering the preview for it was my favorite part of tonight’s episode. But umm I haven’t seen that episode yet.

Look, I didn’t know I was going to have to write something about Glee tonight just because we didn’t post anything today and Riese was freaking out about it! I cannot possibly actually write about this episode! You see, my brain becomes zombified when I watch this show and here’s a diagram to explain:

Those are my basic emotions. Oh, and add: “Everyone is hot” to that. I’m simple, you know? I like to dance. Everyone looked good though right? Is it just me or is Kurt really good-looking lately?

I have another question: why do we feel so weird when they do rap/hip hop songs? I feel it too, I mean, WHAT IS IT ABOUT THAT?!

Let me finish this up real quick, not in chronological order:

+ Quinn and Santana get into a serious fight. I liked it. (Brittany unenthusiastically yells “stop the violence!” from the sidelines. Love.)
+ Artie wants to play football even though he has no legs.
+ Why did Rachel and Little Miss Sunshine sing ‘Telephone’ in the bathroom? Was that just for funsies? Cause I think it was.

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+ There’s a new kid, he has a Bieber haircut and a big mouth. Like physically, legitimately, a big mouth. I’m not into this guy. He’s too blonde and calculatingly good-looking. I just have a problem against freakishly good-looking young blonde guys singing well, okay?
+ Brittany never EVER disappoints with the one-liners. EVER. She wants to touch Coach Bieste’s boobs.
+ This is totally not even a recap or whatever I don’t know what it is and I apologize! Are you still reading omg.

Glee Guide: Glee Returns With Extra Gay, Gaga, Madonna and Britanna

GLEE:
Glee‘s back nine premieres tomorrow night (Tuesday) at 9:38 pm on Fox with an episode entitled “Hell-O,” directly following Adam Lambert’s appearance on American Idol, making tomorrow night essentially the best night of television to happen since the 90210/Party of Five days, and really the gayest night of television since the last time we declared something the gayest night of television ever. ON FOX.

Will we need a new GLEE drinking game? Will Brittany & Santana ride the hobby horse? Will Sue Sylvester sing? How can Will Schuster have sex with someone who uses so much anti-bacterial hand sanitizer?

Early reviews are pretty glowing: “If you thought “Glee” was good before, get ready to be dazzled. Not since the heyday of “The Sopranos” has a series gone off the air for such a long time and returned with such energy and spectacle.”

The season opens following the Gleeks’ win at sectionals: “In the new spring season of Glee we find Glee club member, Rachel (Lea Michele) dating high school jock, Finn (Cory Monteith). Glee fans should expect plenty of fireworks from the unlikely couple this season as Finn becomes disgruntled with the rules of high school dating.”

Guest Stars: Rachel will date a boy from the rival squad Vocal Adreneline, played by Jonathan Groff, one of Lea Michelle‘s best friends and her co-star from Broadway’s Spring Awakening, where they fully had sex on stage and it was smokin’ hot. (Groff is gay, P.S. FYI). Other Broadway stars slated to appear: Kristin Chenoweth will reprise her role in the April 27th episode “Home,” Neil Patrick Harris in the Joss Whedon-directed episode and Idina Menzel (Maureen, RENT) as Rachel Berry’s birth mother. You can catch interviews with these folks and more at SpoilerTV.com.

Here’s the HD trailer for tomorrow night’s Premiere:

Madonna Episode: April 20th’s episode, “The Power of Madonna, will feature covers including “Borderline,” “What it Feels Like For A Girl,” “Open Your Heart,” “Express Yourself” “Like a Prayer,” “Like a Virgin,” and “Vogue”.

Lady Gaga Episode: May’s Lady Gaga episode looks amazing, judging by these behind-the-scenes photos:

Brittana: Broadway World has a video of Rachel Berry (Lea Michelle) performing Give You Hell by the All-American Rejects from tomorrow night’s episode and there are lots of little moments between Brittany and Santana in this — actually if you pay attention to them too closely you’ll catch a sloppy cut in the middle but whatever — which brings us to this interview with the Executive Producers of Glee about a lot of stuff but most importantly, BRITTANA:

Can you talk about how the character of Brittany developed?
IB: “Heather Morris is just a total comic genius. Occasionally we would just kind of toss her a few lines, and then they ended up being so shockingly hilarious. And then randomly being able to pair her with this twosome in Heather’s character and then Nya’s character, Santana. They’re like this kind of weird, wonderful, brilliant, comedic duo that we stumbled upon. They’re absolutely my favorite stuff to write now.”

Are you writing more towards them in the back nine?
BF: “Definitely. They have some stories. I know Nya gets to sing in the back nine. We have such an incredibly talented cast that a lot of stuff comes out of just sort of being with them and seeing what they do, what they’re good at and what makes them laugh.”

GLEE is also promoting the show by staging more dancing flash mobs, like this one where over 800 dancers performed in Westlake Park, Pioneer Square and Seattle Center on Saturday, April 10, 2010:

To recap, this is how gay Glee is:

– Two openly gay lead actors, Jane Lynch & Chris Colfer.
– Guest stars include openly gay actors Neil Patrick Harris & Jonathan Groff as well as major gay allies Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel (who played gay in RENT, the movie and the Broadway show) (furthermore Kristin & Idina accidentally became gay icons via their lead roles in WICKED, in which they did not play lesbian lovers, but many young gay Broadway geeks like to think that they did.)
– Gay characters include lead role Kurt as well as Rachel’s Two Dads (who we haven’t met yet). Lesbionic undertones abound between Brittany & Santana.
– An entire episode will be devoted to the music of out bisexual and gay rights activist Lady Gaga and another to queer icon Madonna.
– This is all probs related to the fact that the show’s creator, Ryan Murphy, is also openly gay.

ANYONE BUT ME:
Rachael Hip-Flores took home the “streamy” award last night for Best Female Actor in a Drama Web Series for her portrayal of Vivian in lesbian-themed series Anyone But Me, in a category that also included Crystal Chappell in weberies Venice.

Other winners of interest include Gamer goddess Felicia Day for Best Female Actor and Best Directing for a Comedy Web Series. Overall; the web’s opinion of the ceremony seems to be ‘it sucked’ and everyone wore terrible outfits.

CORONATION STREET:
Coronation Street‘s first ever lesbian kiss was seen by around seven million people! (@digital spy)

OPRAH:
Kity Kelly’s new Oprah book is coming out soon, and already there’s speculation about Winfrey’s sexuality and her relationship with Gayle King. Except honestly there really isn’t. Quoting Rosie’s comment about Gayle & Oprah is lame, and the quote from Erica Jong is as non-committal as it gets: “I would not be surprised if Oprah is gay. If she is, she is. It certainly fits.” (@usa today)

Glee Gets Early Second-Season Pick Up, Will Harvest Earnest Youths To Join Cast

GLEE: GLEE gets a second-season pick-up way early, and announces a nationwide casting search to find the perfect person for three new roles. Hm, this sounds very American Idol-y, but gayer, which we love. Though the article incorrectly claims GLEE launched the singing careers of its young, talented cast (Lea Michele’s singing career started in 1987, wethinks), we’re excited to see all the bright-eyed youths come out in droves and offer video confessionals about how they are uncool in school. GO AUDITION CHILDREN! This is what Ryan Murphy has to say for himself:

“Anybody and everybody now has a chance to be on a show about talented underdogs. No matter who you are a Broadway talent or a struggling singing waiter with a dream in the Midwest you now have an opportunity to make that dream come true by posting your talent video and showing us what you can do. ALL the roles will be chosen from the video audition process, which is exciting and unprecedented. We want to be the first interactive musical comedy on television, and the search is ON.”

Building upon the show’s incredibly supportive community of GLEEks and with the hope of bringing fans even closer to the series, auditions will be open to amateur individuals as well as professionals between the ages of 16-26, and all hopefuls will be able to submit auditions online. Additional details to be announced soon, please check Fox’s Website for updates.

JILLIAN MICHAELS: Jillian Michaels visited The Ellen Show today! Anyone got a video? Well we got a photo, they’re doing SQUATS!

SKINS: Skins are taking over UK magazine stands with covers of COMPANY magazine and Stella (the teen issue!). So now we can all be super super excitant about more Naomi & Emily. Maybe we could recap it if there was a way to watch it in the US or Autstralia?

REAL L WORD: More from Showtime’s TCA Tour!: Coming soon is Showtime’s first foray into the world of traditional reality series. Get ready for “The Real L Word of Los Angeles,” which Greenblatt says will be on the air probably this summer. “We’ve just cast those women,” he said, “so at some point we will parade them in front of you for some kind of grilling…and I mean ‘parade’ in the best sense of the word.”

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT: Speaking exclusively with ComingSoon.net on Sunday at the press junket for When in Rome, Will Arnett confirmed that an Arrested Development feature film should go into production sometime this year. (@comingsoon)

THE LYNCH CAN DO NO WRONG: Jane Lynch is interviewed at the UK Guardian, where she says that if she were an ingènue like Kate Winslet, being openly gay would hurt her career. But ’cause she’s a character actor it’s fine ’cause no one is projecting romantic fantasies onto her.

On gay marriage: “Shouldn’t there be safeguards against the majority voting on the rights of a minority? If people voted on civil rights in the 60s, it would have never happened. It took somebody like [President] Lyndon Johnson going, ‘F all of you! I’m going to do this… Obama won’t do it. He’s a huge disappointment to me.”

TILA: Tila Tequila had a big day on Sunday according to twitter in which she showed that she is just like us.

1. Admitted that she has no friends:

“NO FOR THE LAST TIME I HAVE NO FAMILY OR FRIENDS! YES I FINALLY ADMITTED IT! I AM A LOSER! MY DOG & HER WAS ALL I HAD! Why do I tweet so much? Even before Casey passed away? BECAUSE I HAVE NO FRIENDS! THERE! THE TRUTH COMES OUT! PPL say I need to get off twitter & grieve with friends & family… WHERE? I DON’T HAVE ANY! Casey was my only family & my Dogs!”

2. Told us she was gonna give us a piece of her life story, but then kept on going. Classic blogger move.

3. Decided to delete all her posts about Jasmine, which is good b/c those posts made us feel really itchy:

“Actually I’m gonna delete all my blogs about that nasty looking thing on my website. It’s scaring away all my fans & giving her more press. I’m deleting all those blogs now.”

“There! I just deleted all the NEGATIVE shit off my twitter and website! Negative people are gross!”

“1st I would like to Apologize to GOD for feeling vindictive. It’s tough right now, but I’m better than that. So I apologize God. Never again.”

CASEY: Also New York Magazine has an interesting piece on Casey by former Page Six writer Paula Froelich: “I won’t sit here and tell you how amazing, sweet, and generous Casey Johnson was. Or how we were “friends.” We had a contentious, symbiotic relationship. She was the billionairess who liked to be the center of attention, and I was the gossip columnist who would chronicle her exploits—in some ways her very existence, at least how she seemed to want to live it.”

Tila Tequila is disappointed she wasn’t invited to Casey’s funeral: “Over the weekend, Tila (real name: Tila Nguyen) told E! News: “I don’t want to talk about the funeral. I wasn’t allowed to go, and I am so upset. I can’t sleep, and I am on suicide watch.” (@usweekly)

REALITY TV: Students at a California beauty college were shocked to find out the owners of their school were shopping the following reality TV proposal:“The students are mostly inner-city, unwed mothers taking advantage of government subsidies for a better life. The instructors can’t find any other job that offers ‘bennies’ [benefits]. The new owners are white, naive suburbanites bleeding cash and trying to keep it all under control.” (@bitchmag)

CALVIN & HOBBES: Calvin Faces: they did them. All of them. From Calvin & Hobbes. It’s amazing, you really have to see it to believe it. (@buzzfeed)

WHAT WOULD JON THINK?: Brian Williams tell us why Jon Stewart is good for news. “A lot of the work that Jon and his staff do is serious,” Williams says. “They hold people to account, for errors and sloppiness. … It’s usually delivered with a smile — sometimes not. It’s not who we do it for, it’s not our only check and balance, but it’s healthy — and it helps us that he’s out there.” (@npr)

NETFLIX: The New York Times has a really cool infographic about which netflix movies are rented and where. Milk is in the top 10 almost everywhere in Manhattan and also in a lot of places in New Jersey. (@nytimes)

LEZ: Meet the man behind Lady Gaga; Nicola Formichetti, her fashion stylist! (@lezbehonest)