Michele’s Team Pick: Mermaids/Novel Love

Out playwright Kate Foster’s show, Mermaids / Novel Love, has been running at The Players Theater in New York’s Greenwich Village all May long and you have one final chance to catch it tomorrow night, June 1st! Billed as “two short plays. One totally awesome lesbro experience,” Kate herself has cryptically revealed that one play is about a lesbian couple who have a mermaid in their bathroom and the other is about a lesbian writer and her lesbro.

Intriguing, am I right or am I right? Mermaids in the bathroom sounds like a classic literary motif, although I can’t think of any examples of it having been done before. Either way, I want to know what a lesbian couple does in such a situation. And it’s about time that some visibility to lesbros. Every gay lady’s gotta have one.

For $10 tickets, use the discount code AADA when you purchase them here!

 

What’s a Lesbian to Do With Herself From May 26 – June 1st

Hi! Welcome to the very first What’s a Lesbian to Do With Herself, in which we inform you what you should be doing if, G-d  forbid, you leave this website and head out into the world. We get a lot of people asking us to talk about their events so HERE WE ARE, putting them all into one little post! This isn’t nightlife listings (check GO! Magazine for that) , just a compilation of things you’ve told us about or asked us to talk about on Autostraddle.

Are you hosting an Autostraddle Meet-Up you’d like added to this? Email grace [at] Autostraddle [dot] com with the details of your very special specialness. Also welcome are information about pride parties, poetry readings, craft fairs and Harry Potter movie premieres. To Grace!

**For the most thorough nightlife and lesbian events listings, check GO! Magazine, which features nightlife listings all around the country. **

**Featured Event**

Pensacola Women’s Week 2011

May 26th – May 30th

Pensacola Beach, Florida

This exciting events combines two of our favorite things: half-naked girls and Julie Goldman. Friday “morning” The Real L Word cast (Romi & Sara), Julie Goldman, Brandy Howard and Top Chef Sandy Birdsong will be hosting the first round of the Dodgeball Charity Tournament and that very night Brandy will be hosting a comedy show featuring YOU GUESSED IT, Julie Goldman!

Other sexual activities include a party cleverly named “Sexacola” which inludes “infamous, fire-blowing Fuel Girls,” a Bikini Contest, a Wet T-Shirt Contest, a Drag King Competition and a White Party!

You can buy tickets for individual events or weekend passes online or at My Sister’s Room in Atlanta, Georgia or the PWW Welcome Center in Pensacola Beach.

At last, a LESBO NIGHT at The Abbey!

BRAND NEW GIRL NIGHT

Who: Girlbar

When: Wednesday Nights Starting Right Now

Where: The Abbey – 692 N Robertson Blvd, West Hollywood

How much: Free!

Come early for dinner (new menu, they serve awesome food) stay for the party — no cover charge

$3 Tacos & Cocktail Specials All Night!

 

Original Plumbing GREEN ISSUE Release Party

@Southpaw in Brooklyn, NY

When: Saturday May 28th 10pm

What: “Celebrate the release of Original Plumbing‘s 7th issue with an unforgettable party in honor of THE GREEN ISSUE! Come out, dance, get cruised, and pick up a copy of your fave trans male magazine while surrounding yourselves with community, art and music.”

Autostraddle Meet-Ups:

Los Angeles, CA: Autostraddle Dance Party

When: Friday May 27th

Where: Mugshot / Down ‘n Out Bar

Why: “dance your clam off” and “celebrate our victorious 7th place finish in bar trivia”

ASS Group: We Straddle L.A., Bitch

Wanna Hang out with other Autostraddlers in your city? Join these ASS Groups — and here’s the catch — actually talk on them! (These things will eventually become forums, bear with us)

West:

Los Angeles, CA – We Straddle LA, Bitch

San Francisco Bay Area, CA – Straddling by the Bay

San Diego, CA – San Diego Straddlers

Portland, Oregon – Pdx Autostraddlers

Seattle, WA – Seattlestraddle

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Eastern Division:

New York, NY – NYC Autostraddlers

Upstate New York – Straddling Upstate New York

Washington DC/Baltimore – Washington D.C/Baltimore

Boston, MA – Autostraddle Social Club, Boston Chapter

Smith College (MA) – Smithie Straddlers

Pennsylvania – Straddlers of Pennsylvania

Philadelphia, PA – Philly Straddles Hard

New Jersey – Jersey Straddlers

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Midwestern Conference:

Michigan – Michigan Lesbogays

Ohio – Ohio is For Autostraddlers

Chicago, IL – Chicagostraddlers

Minneapolis & St Paul – Twin Cities Straddlers

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South/Southwest League:

Phoenix, AZ – Phoenix Meet Up Group

Las Vegas, NV – SinStraddlers

Texas – Texastraddle

Atlanta, GA – Auto-Lanta

North Carolina – North Carolina

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International Team:

Australia – Aussiestraddle

New Zealand –New Zealanders

UK & Ireland – UK & Ireland

Birmingham, UK – BASS

Scotland – AutoScots!

Montreal, Canada – Montrealers

Canada – Ohhh! Canada

China/Taiwan/Hong Kong – Straddlers of China, Taiwan, Hong Kong and those who wish they were

Paris, France – Autostraddleuses à Paris

Russia – РоссияStraddle

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Are we missing anything? Let us know!

Jess’s Team Pick: EveNYC Kicks Off Summertime Happy Hour for NYC Jewish Lesbians

Initially launched last fall, EveNYC provides a monthly happy hour social situation for Jewish lesbians in New York City. After a brief hiatus during the Snowpocalypse, our favorite time of year when Manhattanites refuse to exit their 800 square foot apartments for fear of the elements, EveNYC is BACK and kicking off summer in the city on Thursday, June 2 with a rooftop happy hour at Sutton Place Bar & Restaurant.

You should obviously go if looking to mix and mingle with the most charming and attractive women this side of JDate.

Thursday, June 2
Sutton Place Bar & Restaurant
1015 2nd Ave (betwn 53rd St & 54th St)
7-10pm

Facebook event

Keep up with EveNYC’s calendar of events at http://www.facebook.com/evenyc1.

Jess’s Team Pick: LA Gay & Lesbian Center Benefit – Lez Give Back

Hey there, all you Los Angeles girlie girls!

Just giving you a heads up about a fun event you should check out tomorrow (Saturday) night if in the area. The L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center’s Young Professional Council is teaming up with LA party staples P.Y.T., GirlBar, Truck Stop, ClubSkirts and Booby Trap to benefit the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center’s women’s services.

Tickets are $40, or $100 for VIP, and include an OPEN BAR ALL NIGHT. The VIP reception with free champagne starts at 9pm, and general admission will be admitted at 10pm.

The money raised goes to benefit the women-specific services of the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center, including women’s health and medical, legal assistance, domestic violence prevention & education, cultural programs, self-enrichment courses, social events and discussion groups.

Lez Give Back
Saturday, May 7th
10 pm
Hollywood Forever Cemetery Masonic Lodge
6000 Santa Monica Blvd., LA
$40 – Open bar ALL night
Purchase Tickets
Facebook event

Autostraddle Live at Smith College: Lesbian Web 3.0 is Here!

Speaking about lesbians on the Internet at Smith College was this Thing I wanted to do for two reasons:

1. To spread the good word of my one and only woman, Autostraddle, and

2. For a hilarious punchline in the lesbian joke that is my life.

There were several things that brought me to Smith. An all-women’s liberal arts college kind of speaks for itself when it comes to finding “a group of people who want to listen to me talk about lesbians on the Internet.”

And if that weren’t enough, Northampton, MA has also been affectionately nicknamed “Lesbianville, USA.”

This is, apparently,  for a number of historic reasons. But also it’s because there’s just so many coffee shops in the same area code for you to visit to discuss all your feelings with all your special ladies. It’s like the Isle of Lesbos, but like, with real lesbians. Northampton also apparently has the most lesbian couples per capita in the United States, so it’s not necessarily a great pick-up spot, except when it is.

And so I made my pilgrimage to walk among the lesbians and push the boundaries of my Internet world into 3-D. I wanted to break through the computer screen to the sound of one million Internet friendships coming true and land directly in Web 3.0, which is a thing Autostraddle has been aiming to invent from the very beginning.

The whole thing just made me want to lace up my Doc Martens, roll up my plaid sleeves, slip on a pair of aviators, and proclaim: We have arrived.

The talk went well; there isn’t much else to say. The majority of the folk attending were Autostraddlers (made apparent by the collective gasp at the mention of calendars) –  mostly Smith students, a few from nearby colleges, and a few prospective students looking to get a straddle on their higher education.

Basically, they were who we are: a group of girls who like girls packed into the basement-located Resource Center for Gender and Sexuality (if this isn’t a metaphor for lesbian Internet, then I don’t know what is) trying to have a conversation about girls and the Internet and why we like girls on the Internet. See what just happened there? “They” and “we” became the same thing. This miracle brought to you by The Internet.

Which segues neatly into what there still is to say — that the internet, obviously, is a revolutionary force for the GLBTQs out there. That the internet is changing everything for everybody but for us it’s an especially big deal.

And yeah, we have this conversation all the time…online. That’s why we love Autostraddle. Getting that conversation out in the streets/classrooms/basement resource centers/girlparties is what Autostraddle Live seeks to be about.

‘Cause let’s face it, we queers are a strange thing. We’re everywhere, right? That’s what they’ve been telling us. But we also seem to be nowhere at the same time.  It’s true: there are a lot of gay teens on television right now. They sing Fleetwood Mac songs, they dance to motown in sexy underwear, and they ask themselves a lot of the same questions we did in our adolescent I-think-about-kissing-girls-and-I-like-it (or-do-I?) years. Characters on TV are coming out at the same ages we were when we were hiding under the covers downloading episodes of the L Word and watching them on low volume. And yes, we are part of a generation that’s coming out earlier and growing up gay, but we need dialogue that’s not just about coming out but about what it means to be out today.

The way that we are most visible and most represented in contemporary media are through mainstream discussions about DOMA, DADT, and other legislation. And although these discussions are significant on a larger political scale, when it comes to us as individuals, they kind of miss the point. These things say what we can and cannot do, but they are not who we are. They leave us little to no room to discuss our identities, our culture, the way we relate to each other, and the questions we ask. In short, this is not the way that we live.

And I guess neither is that, but we’re getting closer.

Most gay media in the mainstream is generated by the heterosexual world telling us who we are and what we look like. And yes, visibility is important – visibility is so important – but still, if we are not the ones representing ourselves, are we truly being represented at all?

So if we can’t rely on mainstream news sources or popular culture to represent us in a way that is accurate and real, then who can we turn to? The answer is obvious, but it’s not so simple: we turn to each other – we turn to ourselves.

It’s time to stop relying on heteromedia to tell us who we are. We’re here, we’re queer, and we’re online. We have the power of the Internet and the power of our words and ideas. We have access to information, we have access to discourse, we have access to each other. Web 3.0 is the physical actualization of the communities we’re already a part of. It’s realizing that the Internet and ‘real life’ aren’t mutually exclusive. We’re all the right people in all the wrong places trying to reach out to the other side of the computer screen. Just by reading this, you’re more than halfway there. The Internet is a beautiful place, and it’s our starting place – to create our own visibility, to be our own historians, and discuss not just who we are but who we hope to be.

All that aside, the Smith grrrls treated me great. I was lucky enough to be able to stay the weekend, when I was treated to champagne, girl parties, drunken (and sober!) passionate conversations about enacting social change, and the opportunity to run through the rain with lesbians singing t.a.T.u. songs. And, I almost fell down an air shaft. Other events of the weekend included Ladyfest (which I thought was redundant), a music and arts festival supporting women in DIY and underground culture, and Sexhibition, an on-campus art exhibit sexuality and bodies – as expressed through Smith ladies taking nude photos of other Smith ladies.

Also, I bought this shirt that says Smith College Physical Education. (I wanted it to say ‘I went to Smith College and all I got was laid,’ but probs that was a little inappropriate for the campus bookstore, you know?). What more could I ask for?

All lady-jokes aside, Smith was the perfect spot to launch what we hope will become an ongoing speaking tour. The conversations I had were thought-provoking, and the individuals I met were inspired, generous, and fun as all lady-loving f*ck. And that’s a lot of fun, let me tell you.

It was like the world was spooning the Internet.

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So, if you want to hire me, or Riese or A;ex or Smokin’ Hot Laura or anyone on the Team to speak proudly on your campus or at your event, then email laneia at laneia [at] autostraddle [dot] com and we can get the ball rolling.

I want to do this more. I want to do this again. We want more of the team involved. We wanna go on tour! We want to speak at your school/conference/bachelorette party/bat mitzvah. I think we want the same things. I think you agree, and we can make these things happen, and we can make them happen as soon as possible.

Carmen’s Team Pick: This Lemonade Stand

There’s been a lot of money talk here lately, so let me just go out on a limb and say that I think Autostraddle needs money and loves you. But your fellow Autostraddlers also love you, and the world, enough to sell you lemonade. You heard me right, victims of unseasonally warm weather! LEMONADE.

Autostraddlers in New York City are going to be selling lemonade like cute little girls do, with a lemonade stand, on April 23 to raise money for pediatric cancer research and care. Have you ever heard of Alex’s Lemonade? It’s an organization that helps people across the country do this, every day, for the same cause: ending cancer.

So if you like lemonade (who doesn’t), or Autostraddle (who doesn’t), or Autostraddlers serving you lemonade (WHO DOESN’T), you should probably check it out:

WHEN:
4/23/11, 9:00 am – 7:00 pm
WHERE:
South Street Seaport
11 Fulton Street
New York, NY 10038

The goal is to raise 3,000 dollars. You should really go! And if you can’t you can still donate at the event page here. You can also learn more about Alex’s Lemonade here.

GLAAD Media Awards Los Angeles: The Liveblog!

Hello you pretty young things! There is good news and bad news today. Bad news: no Sunday Funday, which means Lindsay Lohan could potentially have worn a slightly gay slouchy knit hat and you could be missing out. Good news: Today is the GLAAD Media Awards in Los Angeles, and a ton of really f*cking awesome people are going! For instance, Kristin Chenoweth is going to accept her GLAAD Vanguard Award for a lot of things including her response to Ramin Setoodeh’s anti-gay Newsweek article. Robert Greenblatt, the chairman of NBC Entertainment, and former head of Showtime, will also be honored with the Stephen F. Kolzak Award.

And in recognition of Riese’s consulation with her now-famous letter, Riese and bcw/Marni are going to the GLAAD Awards Kristin’s guests! That means Riese is technically off press duty tonight.

And therefore also in attendance will be Alex and sexy calendar lady Kelli to interview celebs on the red carpet along with Miss April, light of all of our lives. The whole event will be hosted by Rashida Jones and Amy Poehler, which, uh, great?! Basically there is no reason for you to do anything else but refresh this page over and over forever, or at least until later tonight. ARE YOU READY YET LET’S GO!

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10:26 PM: I think we might be done. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that when someone holds up a can of lube (???) and a swimsuit calendar (???) in the dressing room/supply closet (???) the night is over. Riese says via text: “We’re done, everyone lost their passes and then we couldn’t find the car and then we got lost in the hotel maze and now we’re standing on a bridge and Marni is smoking and I’m putting on lip gloss.” Well! There you have it. Good night kittens, smoking is bad for you. Dream of Kristin Chenoweth and pie.

9:55 PM: WHAAAAAAA IS THAT LUBE?!?

9:47 PM: Riese via text: You’re all too young to get it, but Robert Reed (Mr. Brady) just got a shoutout from Greenblatt. Greenblatt left Showtime this year which makes me really worried about the future of the second season of The Real L Word. Also, unrelated, me and Alex had brunch with Nikki and Jill from The Real L Word yesterday and it was really great, I like them a lot. Tell the children that.” YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST. (You’re the children fyi.)

9:40 PM: Alex: Robert Greenblatt, chairman of NBC entertainment honored with the Stephen F. Kolzak Award just now. The presentation that introduced him included a LOT of L Word clips, so go Robert! (Obvs Dolly Parton presented his award.) Riese concurs: “There were a lot of L Word clips in the Robert Greenblatt montage, a lot of Tasha and Alice.”

9:35 PM: Riese via text: Marni is hyperventilating over Dolly Parton

9:31 PM: You guys Dolly Parton was totally the special surprise guest

9:25 PM: Oops I accidentally forgot the part where Amber Heard happened

9:20 PM: There’s a tie for Outstanding Comedy Series! Modern Family and Glee, obvs. Joel McHale presented the award and we’re in love with him. Mike O’Malley and Chris Colfer accepted the award.

9:00 PM: Alex: Kristin just gave an amazing acceptance speech! We recorded it on film. So exciting.

8:37 PM: Riese via text: “This is super cute, she’s crying and hasn’t even started talking yet, Sean Hayes is still talking.”

8:33 PM: My roommate has suggested that we institute a “GLAAD/glad” pun contest, and I agree with this idea. Best pun in the comments wins an award from Emily Choo. Ready set go. Also, everyone is glad about Chaz Bono’s speech.

8:31 PM: They’re presenting Kristin’s award! Riese says that Sean Hayes just said “On Ambien, she flies higher than any rocket I know.” #Iloveeverything

8:29 PM: Riese via text: “Amy and Rashida just said there’s gonna be an amazing special guest everyone should wait for and I feel like it’s gonna be Dolly Parton. What if Dolly Parton comes out.” Riese also wants everyone to know she’s sober b/c she’s afraid of dying now. I hope her mom is reading this.

8:26 PM: Ok this makes more sense

8:22 PM: Stop the presses. Riese says “Someone is doing crazy shit with their limbs.” WELL THANK YOU FEARLESS LEADER.

8:18 PM: What if Kristin Chenoweth made a pie for everyone at the GLAAD Media Awards and hid it under their seats? I mean, she didn’t, but what if?
h

8:07 PM: Oh wait, I think that Janice Langbehn is talking about how her family was completely violated by the Florida hospital that her wife died in and also by the general level of completely insane bone-crushing day-in-and-day-out oppression that gay people all over America live with. So everyone is just crying I guess. Carry on.

8:05 PM: What if California finally did fall into the ocean/the Big One finally came

7:56 PM: God it would be just super if there were pictures of any of the celebrities attending this event uploaded to the internet by media outlets by this point in the evening, wouldn’t it?

7:41 PM: Riese, via text: “In some obtuse way, being here for this makes me feel like we are part of a really special time in American history w/r/t gay rights, there’s so much happening and changing.” I’m assuming she’s talking about Dolly Parton

7:38 PM: Project Runway just won Outstanding Reality Show. Apparently The Real L Word wasn’t nominated. I know, I’m just as shocked as you.

7:32 PM: Said photo montage, it’s making Alex Vega cry which I mean is that not the cutest fucking thing

7:28 PM: Everyone knows the best montages are training montages, but this one sounds ok too

7:23 PM: Riese also says that Dolly Parton is going to be the surprise special guest, but I can’t tell if she’s for real or just fucking with me because she knows that I want Dolly Parton to be the surprise special guest at everything, including “Tuesday” and “breakfast.” #9to5forever #jolene

7:18 PM: Oh man I wish this part were being broadcast, it sounds super awesome and cute! Amy Poehler and Rashida Jones are in menswear and Rashida is wearing cute glasses, aka is the perfect woman. Also she just said “Lady Gaga has done as much for gay people as she has for lazy people trying to think of Halloween costumes.” I think she should run for President.

7:15 PM: Croce is calling this “three bois one mirror.” There was also something about a peeing contest that I’m not going to repeat here because I’m a fucking lady. (Although I do feel it’s important to note that Vega won.)

7:04 PM: If you were wondering what it feels like to be a gay or gay-friendly celeb in the greater LA area tonight, it’s this:

6:41 PM: Um stop everything, Riese says that they are auctioning off a puppy for $3,000. As a vegan, I am not sure how to feel about this, but as a person who wants a puppy, I feel like I want that puppy. Is the puppy gay? Has it eaten a diamond ring or something? I have many questions.

6:36 PM: Riese via text: “There are two animals on my plate, and our ad in the program looks really hot! Also, we were in the bathroom with Kirsten Dunst and she’s just like us!” I assume that means that Kirsten Dunst made faces at herself in the mirror and asked aloud why she looked so terrible and whether too much of her shoulders were showing. Kirsten Dunst, I salute you.

6:30 PM: “Alex, with legitimate fear in her voice: ‘How do you interview a deaf person?!”

6:22 PM: Ok we are back with some EXECUTIVE ALEX VEGA REALNESS:

6:13 PM: Riese & Marni are at the fancy dinner thing and Kristin Chenoweth just told Marni she looks cute. I think a lot of important things are happening according to Alex but I don’t have any pictures or anything of them, so stand by for just a few minutes guys!

6:02 PM: Um, Sister Wives

6:00 PM: Riese via text: “We’re at dinner, there’s a thing on a piece of lettuce and I’m gonna eat it”

5:51 PM: You guys, Press Team is so cute. I wish there was a kitten graphic for interviewing Tori Spelling. There isn’t, but also that just means that you get to look at Sarah Croce actually doing it, which, I mean, awesome.

5:44 PM: I am fairly certain that this is Lisa Vanderkamp, a Real Housewife of somewhere in this cold cruel world. Apparently the GLAAD Media Awards are the place to be!

5:39 PM: Marni via text: THERE’S ANOTHER DUDE WEARING MY SHIRT HERE

GOD THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS

5:31 PM: See what I mean about Shay Mitchell?

5:26 PM: Riese via text: “All the Pretty Little Liars are here, maybe we will finally find out who A is. Also there are like 10,000 dudes here, in 5 years it has to be 50/50. Autostraddle will make this happen.”

5:21 PM: Tori Spelling is here! I don’t know who she is.

5:15 PM: Riese, via text: “Melissa Etheridge is wearing ripped up corduroys and shades indoors and looks badass.” UGH I am going to go listen to “Yes I Am” and scowl

5:05 PM: And back in the real world: HOARDERS IS ON! Sister Wives is next. I am ALL THE FUCK SET.

5:00 PM: Riese and Marni have finally made it, and have visual confirmation re: Alex Vega and The Press Team. That sounds like a band I would listen to. Someone start making the tshirts stat.

4:56 PM: WHAAAAAAAT Alex Vega says that Melissa Etheridge just walked by, but isn’t doing any interviews. Doesn’t she know that I would have come to her window ANY TIME between the ages of, oh, fourteen and now? Including the part when she was undergoing chemo?

4:50 PM: Team Press has made it to the red carpet! The red carpet just got kind of sexy, no? I hope they yell “FRONT OF THE DRESS” a lot. That’s probably why I’m not on Team Press though, and am instead sitting home alone wearing a tea-stained wifebeater and jeans that don’t fit. Life lessons.

4:45 PM: Oh I think Janice Langbehn is here also, she’s the one whose partner tragically fell ill and died while they were on a cruise vacation with their kids and was prevented from seeing her as she died in her hospital room by the Florida hospital staff. Sorry to be a downer, but I am glad she’s here! It’s pretty great that there’s an awards ceremony for, like, real people who deserve to have good things happen to them? And not just famous people with shiny hair and glossy lips?

4:38 PM: There is some photographer dude whose thing is yelling “The front of the dress! The front of the dress!” every time someone walks by that he wants to take pictures of, and he kind of needs to slow his roll but other than that everything seems really fun and perfect and stuff, Kristin’s looking-back-over-shoulder-sexy-baby-kitten-angel face is really incomparable

4:32 PM: KRISTIN CHENOWETH IS HERE ohmigod she is so small and cute and perfect, I love everything forever

4:30 PM: OH SHIT WAIT Shay Mitchell actually is here and is wearing this thing that is like if Lady Gaga had sex with Jackie O and their baby became a television high school lesbian with a creepy dead friend!

4:28 PM: Riese, via text: We’re stuck in traffic, I wonder if Collin Farrell is stuck in traffic too

4:18 PM: Holy shit, Nikki Peet is here! She’s getting a Special Recognition Award? Do you guys even remember who she is, no you don’t you’re just here for NSFW Sunday and PLL recaps. Nikki Peet is a high school senior who mobilized like the entire state of Texas because her school (illegally) refused to let her start a GSA, she is a fucking badass. This is awesome. ALL OF THE GLAAD MEDIA AWARDS FOR YOU, NIKKI PEET

4:15 PM: I wish RuPaul was going to this

4:08 PM: Look how cute Riese and bcw/Marni are. I think Marni may have taken those sunglasses from my ten-year-old cousin but I don’t even blame her, that’s how cute they look

4:05 PM: Someone named Shareen Mitchell is here, which sounds deceptively like Shay Mitchell. She has a very pretty red dress on!

3:59 PM: The nominees from Nurse Jackie are here! This is really exciting for me, I had somehow forgotten that this meant all the gay or gayish characters from every TV show ever would be in the same place at the same time, it’s like a fantasy television world utopia!

3:51 PM: Someone named Ariel is here instead, she has long hair and is very pretty. I wish I knew who she was. Is this also about Pretty Little Liars? Will everyone in the world now know i don’t actually watch it?

3:50 PM: Twitter is very concerned about whether Darren Criss is coming. No one has any idea. The tension is killing me. What if he stays home to sing Katy Perry songs instead?

3:48 PM: Also, uh, HEY SHAY MITCHELL HEY.

3:36 PM: Alex, via email: Team Press is ready! These ladies are ready to ask the tough questions, get real. Prepare to find out Adam Lambert’s stance on Libya.

Dinah Liveblog Day III: Fear and Self-Loathing in Palm Springs

Hellooooo friends, and welcome to Dinah Shore 2011! Your intrepid Autostraddle editors will be scampering about Palm Springs like the cute little Chuck-Taylor-wearing sunburnt drunk internet kittens we are, and we have left an equally intrepid and adorable team of interns to communicate all of our adventures to you in the meantime. We’ll be hitting all the events, shows and parties of Girl Bar’s Dinah Shore Weekend 2011, and we want you to be there with us in spirit! Here’s a map of Dinah AutoHQ, courtesy of Design Director Alex Vega:

 

And check out our schedule of all the Dinah action happening this weekend! We’ll be at Girl Bar events Thursday through Sunday, and you might think you’re ready but you’re not ready. But we’re doing this anyway! Here we go!

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Saturday April 2, 2011

11:34 am: Everyone is awake with coffee and toast. This is surprising, because here is what the Girl Bar cocktail party yesterday looked like:And here is what Rachel wrote around midnight: At the girl bar cocktail party,  which is sponsored by ketel one THANK GOD

Alex, via email: My best purchase yet here in Palm Springs. Look, it is an awesome mug!I am not sure if it’s a tiny mug or if Alex just has big hands, speculate in the comments, please.

12:00 pm: Rachel via email: Someday every day will start like this, we will all wake up together and then a man with a weird haircut will bring us breakfast in bed while we write the website

12:09 pm: Laneia via twitter:+

12:55 pm:

Rachel via email:

Vega has gone off somewhere to pursue a career in being tanner and prettier than anyone else, and the rest of us are working on recovering from an exciting and exhausting series of adventures last night. This is what the bathroom looks like after four gay girls and two days.

 

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1:07 pm:

Rachel via email: Team meeting!

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1:32 PM:

Hello Autostraddle, this is Riese! I will be live-blogging for you for the next several hours for reasons which I will disclose after I take a shower. BRB

2:42 PM:

Hi! This is Riese again! I’m such a bad liveblogger! Julie & Brandy & Haviland & Jess R just came by. Hang on I have photos one sec!

2:43 PM:

Wow, we’ve got some serious Ansel Adams shit going on here. It’s almost like you’re RIGHT THERE in the middle of the ACTION.

As you can see from the picture, that girl is wearing some kind of Pocahantas-Meets-PacSun situation, or maybe is a mermaid of some kind. Also, Tracy is pulling off white pants and Stamie has a significant rack.

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Here we have some girl probably named Britney, obviously her trip has been sponsored by Mandees. Or is that the same girl? Whatever. I want a butch fashion show.

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Look, a pool!

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Rachel is fighting the patriarchy — never stop fighting ladies, the war isn’t over! TAKE BACK THE NIGHT AND ALSO THE DAY!

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Anyhoo, Rachel has instead shared this photo. Are you familiar with flagging? Apparently it’s a complicated coding system where you put a bananda in your ass to let people know what kind of situation you want in your vagina. Like if you’re single but looking, or if you’re poly, or if you want to do it up the butt, or if you want to do it in a tree, or you want to do it with bois and boys also. I don’t know what Brown means. Maybe it’s related to Scooby Doo:

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Hi. Back to the bikini contest. I don’t know who won, but these girls are all wearing these headbands around the tops of their headpieces and I feel like it’s some kind of Alien thing. What do they win? A wet t-shirt?

CHECK OUT PAR-LEZ HILTON UP IN HERE:

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Alex says: “This is weird but also attractive but also, this is Dinah Shore.”

The real contest here is who’s the better cameraphone photographer — Rachel, Alex, or Sarah?

Stamie: Are you having fun?
Model: Yeah this is awesome!
Stamie: Why are you so committed to this profession?
Model: Cause modelling is amazing! And bikini week is awesome.
Stamie: Awesome.

Alex says that this is the Bikini Week Mascot:

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3:00 pm: Alex via email: “The Truck Stop Girls (“Girlz” but I refuse to spell it that way) came by and did a dance for us”:

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4:06 PM

Rachel: “We just met an older Jewish dyke wearing a yarmulke and a rainbow button down in the elevator, I want her to adopt me.”

Also I’ve been sent this photograph of Alex, it’s called “Alex Vega is a Boy Scout”:

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4:15 PM

What Happened Last Night

by Riese

Hello Autostraddle, this is me, Riese. Let me start out by telling you two things that are important to my overall sense of self-worth:

1. I handle and am in control of my shit.
2. I know what happened.

By “2” I mean that I’ve been keeping records of what happened (letters, diaries, writing) since I was two, which’s when my Mom started writing my first diary (I dictated to her, she wrote). A few years back I actually LIKED ambien for that reason — I wanted to be free of the burden of remembering everything. I wanted to not see so much all the time. I’m over that now. Haven’t even had an ambien in six months. So I’ve just gone gamely forward with my well-recorded existence.

So to say that I’m probably not the best narrator for “What Happened Last Night” feels like I’m eroding from the inside!

Last night, I’d had 1.5 drinks (later, at the hospital, they tested my blood alcohol level and it was .08, which is totally fine) and a teeny tiny bit of a ‘smoke’ and we’d just eaten dinner and we were going to the VIP Cocktail Party thing and when I got there I wanted water so I got water and not a drink. Then we walked outside and Julie and Brandy were there and Julie was wearing a white hat like Eminem. I was wearing my YOU GOT THE STYLE EILEEN MYLES t-shirt and everyone started talking and I started feeling weird so I was thinking in my head I had to go lie down maybe and was thinking of how I could get out of there without anyone doubting aforementioned item “#1.”

Then I couldn’t see Laneia and Sarah anymore because they were covered in black splotches and I couldn’t see anything, because everything was black. So I decided to make my exit except I guess that I didn’t, because my next memory is being somewhere else, like being carried. Someone told me later that I’d just passed out but Julie caught me before I hit the ground because she’s butch/changes the tires, etc. Then a lot of voices, a lot. Then the paramedics. Then hearing my blood pressure and thinking ‘what the fuck’ , it was like 45 over 65 (nobody can remember, Laneia remembers 72 over 48, earlier I thought one of the numbers was 54 for sure) I felt like I was in a teevee show about a person with a blood pressure of 45 over 65 (or 72 over 48) going to Seattle Grace. Then the ambulance where the bed was hard and then the hospital where the bed was soft. I hear I changed color (blue), which is ironic considering this whole incident is precisely what’s stopping me from changing into the color I WANTED to turn into this weekend, which is “tan.”

It’s important to me to be in control (see “1”) so I do my best to be stealth/non-intrusive when I get sick from drinking or food poisoning. But I remember thinking ‘I give up, someone has to fix me, I can’t do it myself.’ Then from here I have mostly what other people told me so I don’t know how to tell it. Everything hurt, unlike anything I’ve ever known. I would pass out I guess and then I would come to and then pass out and then come to.

This sounds so dramatic and cheesy and maybe precious or sentimental and I realize that, but I don’t know what else to say because I didn’t want to say anything at first. But I guess it’s important that sometimes we stop worrying about appearing to be anything but “together” and “perfect.” Because it’s not all girls in shiny bikinis, you know. Life. It’s also hospital waiting rooms.

Everything was terrible and was the worst. Also my period pains got out of control, like Black Swan was stabbing my uterus with a shard of glass. What happened was something about heat and being dehydrated and exhaustion and a Biba Syncopal Episode.

In the hospital Haviland was with me and called bcw for me. My family was in the lobby; Laneia, Alex, Rachel, Sarah, Jess. Then Alex came in and brought me Tinkerbell, and then Laneia came in and when the guy asked me if I had health insurance when I was still in the throes of it I wailed ‘this is so inhumane’. Then everyone went home and Haviland & Ashley stayed with me until I was better and they pumped things into me and there were lots of needles and IVs, etc.They had to pump water into me to get my blood pressure up, or like saline or something. There was so much of it, I felt like my veins were all cold water.

We got home at 3AM or something. Then this morning Julie & Brandy & Jess came by to see me and everyone has just been very nice to me. Ashley took a photo of Haviland in my little area of the hospital:

Now that’s over and it’s done and I’m ok and so I’m here in this live-blog as clearly I cannot be trusted to remain conscious. I have the best friends ever. I just ate an orange for the first time in like two years, oranges are so good!

Oh but earlier, when I was being carried out on a stretcher by the paramedics, Brandy noticed that some bitch at the party was wearing the same fucking white dress as her. What the fuck, right?

4:57 PM: Hello this is Rachel. We are getting ready to go to dinner, except I can’t decide what to wear to dinner until everyone votes on it and no one is voting. Did everyone notice above that Riese is no longer allergic to citric acid? Also I think Laneia just found the tampons. Things are really looking up.

5:10 PM: Wait nevermind we’re all just in a menstrual hut

5:53 PM: Rachel via email: Now this hotel room will be Camp Autostraddle/You Do You forever

6:47 PM: What does this even mean.

6:50 PM: Raise your hand if you want Brandy Howard to sexually harass you.

6:54 PM: I had a brief moment of confusion when I didn’t recognize the person in this picture, and I was like, I can’t add this until I know who it is, but then I re-read my emails and I have the answer: IT’S CARA FROM COFFEE BEAN! THANKS FOR THE DRINKS, CARA!

6:57 PM: Um… Here’s another picture telling you to smell your pillow. Carolyn says “This is for the liveblog. I have no explanation for it.”

6:57 PM: Brandy Howard is yelling “wet vaginas” down the halls at this hotel

6:59 PM: Things are getting interesting, I’m finding it hard to multi-task now with all these tweets and pictures and stuff. This is what’s happening right now: Brandy and Jess R. and maybe some other people are in a cab and they are going to have sex later, possibly with the cab driver, I wish I wasn’t picturing an elderly male cab driver right now. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever had a female cab driver?

7:19 PM: Jess, via email: Briana Stockton of “Work Out” fame just rolled up and Brandy is
screaming “Jackie Warner!!!” at the top of her lungs. Also, apparently, she is yelling “wet vaginas” as well down the halls in the hotel. Oh, Brandy.

7:25 PM: omg you guys.

8:37 PM: Rachel finds heteros!

and this:

also, 8:37 PM:

The Team (Riese, Alex, Julie, Brandy, Laneia, Rachel, Sarah, Jess R) and The Tribe (Alex and Jess and Croce and all their ca-RAZY Los Angeles Friends who have very nice outfits) have dinner at Hamburger Mary’s. Brandy yells at everybody.

Rachel via email:

1. Nbd, we’re just in Vegas hotel room discussing boyshort/boxer brief strategy. We decided fruit of the loom are the best ones for wearing
2. We just fit every lesbian on palm springs into one restaurant and.then ordered every beer. All of the beers.

8:47 PM: Rachel, via email: We are finishing dinner and going back to the hotel. I am just so excited to see Estelle I really just can’t even tell you

9:06 PM: Rachel via email: #wtfpalmsprings

9:34 PM: Awww! I feel a sense of community.

10:18 PM: Rachel via email: We could go to the show tonight or we could just look at a retrospective of Riese’s haircut

 

10:37 PM: Red team is ready for Estelle. Born ready. Born this way. Blue team is “getting ready” which I mean really what does that even mean, I just want to hear about American boys

11:00 PM: We have made it to the place Where The Girls Are! These are the Truck Stop Girls again and I guess they are dancing to Burlesque? Like I guess the fact that this Girl Bar event is named Gurlesque is not a coincidence is what I’m saying. Also look at these ladies, they are good for looking at. Laneia says these were the best thing to happen all weekend.

11:30 PM: Rachel via email: Oh no, Vega found the Salsa Room and now we’re never going to get to see Estelle

11:58 PM: Laneia via email: This dancing. This dancing. It is a thing. Haviland + Alex. A thing .Rachel knows the words. Alex is amazed. Literally everyone is dancing. Haviland is amazing.

8:30 AM: All the livebloggers got drunk and/or fell asleep last night, but here are some delayed pictures of Estelle and blurry shapes!

8:58 AM Sunday: Hi everyone this is Rachel! Last night we went to Gurlesque, where the Truck Stop Girls had an intense and exciting dance-off with the Gurlesque Dancers. We felt it was sad that two groups of strong, empowered women had to be set against one another instead of working together to end the patriarchy, but they were very good dancers who did many sexy things with chairs and we were very impressed also. Estelle is a talented singer, and it was inspired of her to change the lyrics of “American Boy” to “American Girl” because at Dinah Shore we are mostly concerned with those.

Since it has turned out that today we are all just heading back to LA because our various Transportation Situations are such that we unfortunately cannot stay in Palm Springs any longer, we are hereby concluding this “live blog,” which to be honest We think could’ve been a lot better. I mean, the interns could have tried a little harder to actually make their own jokes and not just copy-paste emails into a wordpress document. They will all be smacked later.

But this is not the last you will hear of Dinah Shore 2011! We have lots more photos to share with you, expect to see those soon! We love you, thank you for everything, good night and good luck!

Dinah Shore Liveblog Day II: Dazed And Confused in Palm Springs

Hellooooo friends, and welcome to Dinah Shore 2011! Your intrepid Autostraddle editors will be scampering about Palm Springs like the cute little Chuck-Taylor-wearing sunburnt drunk internet kittens we are, and we have left an equally intrepid and adorable team of interns to communicate all of our adventures to you in the meantime. We’ll be hitting all the events, shows and parties of Girl Bar’s Dinah Shore Weekend 2011, and we want you to be there with us in spirit! Here’s a map of Dinah AutoHQ, courtesy of Design Director Alex Vega:

 

And check out our schedule of all the Dinah action happening this weekend! We’ll be at Girl Bar events Thursday through Sunday, and you might think you’re ready but you’re not ready. But we’re doing this anyway! Here we go!

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Friday April 1, 2011

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9:30 am: It’s supposed to be 90 degrees in Palm Springs today. And right now it’s 89 and only 9:30, I hope everyone has brought their sunscreen.9:42 am: Jess, via gchat: yesterday was stressful getting into the rooms … but today should be good. we’re all still in bed

9:48 am: I suspect everything will be boring for a while while the team recuperates from last night. Now, for the liveblog of Emily Choo’s life? Just finished eating breakfast, now watching an old episode of Glee. Yeah, I said it, I’m a Gleek.

10:14 am: from Rachel, via email: We have all just woken up, bright and chipper like happy children! Just kidding we all feel like caveman zombies. Hope the entire internet wanted to know that.

10:16 am: The team has bagels but no toaster. Or cream cheese. What will they do, toast it with a lighter or call room service? Adventures abound at Dinah Shore!

10:32 am: Rachel, via email: also Laneia really wants everyone to know that her foot isn’t broken yet

ATTENTION AUTOSTRADDLE READERS: LANEIA’S FOOT BONES ARE STILL INTACT. CARRY ON.

10:40 am: Oh thank God. The mystery of “lighter or room service?” is over. Also I am sending happy period vibes over to Riese, which is probably not as good as midol.

10:50 am: I think that we need context for this. Laneia, via twitter:10:56 am: OK, apparently they have ordered a pot of coffee but it has not arrived yet, Laneia is not actually going to die. As long as it comes soon.

11:06 am: THE COFFEE HAS ARRIVED.This is Rachel’s latte. It is already gone.11:09 am: Rachel, via email: It turns out that room service means getting THE TINIEST BOTTLE OF HOT SAUCE IN THE WORLD. Also the picture I sent you earlier was of my latte. Obvs it’s gone now. Riese still doesn’t have any midol.11:18 am: Rachel via twitter:

11:40 am: Sarah, via email: This is what we’re doing instead of going to the pool party.‘Cause, like, whatever, there are naked ladies and boobies outside, but do you know where else those things are? On Tumblr.

11:45: Oh, wait (Laneia via twitter):Personally it is my mandate to support all clothing removal anywhere ever. Especially before noon.

11:55 am: Team Autostraddle makes a solid effort to begin the day. Laneia’s shirt remains on.

Rachel: does anyone have a product that will make my hair look better than it does right now. like a shower in a bottle?

Laneia: We should do yoga
Riese: I want to spend the rest of the trip in child’s pose
Sarah: I’ve never done yoga.
Laneia: You should.
Sarah: But i’m not a hippie like you guys

11:59 am: A GREAT DISCOVERY IS MADE

See? She is:

Despite coffee, breakfast amenities, and awaiting ladies, the chances of Laneia and Sarah getting out of bed today are decreasing steadily.

Rachel reports more accurate numbers: 75% have showered or are showering, and I am only about 15-20% hungover.

1:20 pm: Rachel via email: so riese and laneia are asleep again somehow i think, and also the circles under my eyes are so dark that i do not think they will ever go away ever or be covered by any makeup so i am just going to wear my sunglasses at all times including inside and when i am asleep. the good news is the hair product laneia gave me seems really good, when is someone going to start offering us endorsements1:33 pm: Look how much whiskey is still left after last night!
1:44 pm: Jess via email: we finally left the safety of our room and ventured into lesbianland by the pool

And they have hot Autostraddle shirts, look:

Which unfortunately they are also still wearing:

Also here is Rachel and Sarah F*cking Palmface with THE SHIRT:

1:54 pm: Rachel via email: At the autostraddle lounge at the girl bar pool party!2:00 pm: Laneia via twitter:Also there is a dude in a thong, possibly he is unaware he is in public, possibly he is just trying to incarnate ‘you do you’:

2:14 pm: Rachel via email: Jess is going to get an exclusive interview with the banana hammock guy for autostraddle dot com

2:17 pm: Laneia via email: bringing pre-cut mango was THE BEST IDEA I’VE EVER HAD

2:21 pm: Riese via email: i am going to make cargo shorts happen

2:23 pm: Rachel via email: apparently there is some lounging that is going on

And Haviland was just quoted: “does anyone know where my top is?2:29 pm: Rachel via email: I think sunscreen + you do you really says it all3:05 pm: Rachel, via email, is within four feet of…

3:17 pm: Rachel via email: VEGA IS IN THE POOLand it is very Ushery down there:These two miracles caused LANEIA AND RIESE TO WAKE UPAnd last but not least, Alex really liked how this girl looked in THE SHIRT too.3:23 pm: Rachel via email: Haviland is the best at selling calendars3:27 pm: Riese: Tequila sounds like a bad idea, and I’m the market for a bad idea.

3:48 pm: Rachel finds Julie Goldman: “the butchiest butch that ever butched”

4:04 pm: Rachel via email: Alex, Jessica, brandy and JulieAlex also emails to let us know they’re chillin’ at the pool / Auto table:

4:22 pm: Alex is justcaughtnapping dot tumblr dot com

4:28 pm: Jessica interviews Banana Hammock man

The Dinah Shore 2011 Liveblog Is Here – Autostraddle Does Girl Bar!

Hellooooo friends, and welcome to Dinah Shore 2011! Your intrepid Autostraddle editors will be scampering about Palm Springs like the cute little Chuck-Taylor-wearing sunburnt drunk internet kittens we are, and we have left an equally intrepid and adorable team of interns to communicate all of our adventures to you in the meantime. We’ll be hitting all the events, shows and parties of Girl Bar’s Dinah Shore Weekend 2011, and we want you to be there with us in spirit! Here’s a map of Dinah AutoHQ, courtesy of Design Director Alex Vega:

 

 

And check out our schedule of all the Dinah action happening this weekend! We’ll be at Girl Bar events Thursday through Sunday, and you might think you’re ready but you’re not ready. But we’re doing this anyway! Here we go!

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Thursday March 31st, 2011

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11:03 am: Tinkerbell is alive.

12:11 pm: Riese and Haviland made a pre-Dinah vlog for you! JK they just took some pictures together.

12:45 pm: Rachel, via email: This is groceries and booze for ten lesbians for four days, this episode brought to you by the letters T and J.

1:30 pm: Rachel, via email: Jk we’re not going to sunshine were just going to watch the real l word parody over and over the entire weekend.

But I want to see some girls in bikinis.

Emily Choo is sitting alone in her room eating triscuits and hummus. Carolyn is sitting alone in her room drinking coffee. Why is Canada so cold.

1:55 pm: Rachel, via email: Packing for sunshine = all of the mangoes.
2:23 pm: Rachel, via email: Lesbians in a car! We’re finally leaving LA!

2:51 pm: Rachel, via email: Just kidding, we haven’t left LA yet. Filling tires instead.

2:58 pm: Rachel, via email: MANGO TIME.

I am not sure what else is going on in that car right now but I am sure it is hilarious, until someone tells me I’m just gonna start writing on all the photos with white text in tribute to stuff lesbian kittens like.

Also #desertstraddle is going to be a thing, just like last time. Rachel says so.

3:27 pm: Sarah F*cking Palmface, via twitter: 3:29 pm: Sarah F*cking Palmface, via an email from Rachel: “I want to go to there.”

3:46 pm:4:05 pm: Everyone is still at In n Out, which is a restaurant, which I did not realize until Rachel sent me the following photos:Rachel, via email: You guys! I have never been to in n out ever in my life before, I am 99% sure this veggie burger wasn’t vegan but I ate it anyway.4:38 pm: Rachel, via email: i think my phone has been autocorrecting dinah to sunshine

5:09: Rachel via twitter:5:26: THE U.S.S. AUTOSTRADDLE HAS LANDED…sort of:

Sarah, via email: jess r., laneia and riese are in Palm Springs, figuring out the hotel sitch. Alex, Jessica, Rachel and I are still not there, because whatever car I take to Dinah apparently always ends up being hours late. But we’ll be there soon!

6:29 pm: Riese, via email:

so we have one room at the hotel zozo (or zoso? idk)
and one room at the hyatt
and all the alcohol is in the car
so far nobody has yelled at anybody so we’re doing better than last year

7:05 pm: Ok so Rachel and co. made it to Palm Springs an hour ago and we forgot to tell you about it.
7:08 pm:

Sarah F*cking Palmface, via email:

We are getting ready for the comedy show! While sipping whiskey, the conversation has turned to spirit animals. We decided that riese is her own spirit animal.

Alex: There’s no animal that encompasses you. You’re like a hybrid creation of someone like J.R.R. Tolkein.
Rachel: Yeah there are people asking their parents for a baby Riese.

7:18 pm: So it sounds like the drinking has started and is delicious, at least if you like bananas.

Laneia is all like, “Can I wear cowboy boots over pants?” Riese is heavily pondering this, but I think that we all know the answer is: shorts. The shortest shorts possible.
UPDATE: Rachel is worried that Laneia is not going to wear the cowboy boots. This is silly, as boots are for kicking ass, and that is what Laneia does. She is going with the pants. But we all know that pants are temporary/a social construct/meant to be removed.

7:46:

Rachel, via email: Also I got really excited about oranges and bought 8 pounds of them at Trader Joe’s but somehow no lemons or limes for drinks. I am not sure yet whether this was a mistake.

Can we all just discuss how this bag of oranges looks like a gnome?

8:00 pm:

Rachel: It turns out Alex vega and I use the same brand of makeup? I feel way sexier now

hot.

8:34 pm: Emily Choo — So, I haven’t heard anything from anyone in a while, but if you’re curious as to the liveblog of my life, I just finished eating a bowl of cereal and now I am staring at my computer screen.

8:36 pm: Somewhere in Palm Springs the following things are happening right this minute:

Girlbar’s Welcome Party at Hunter’s Night Club (8 pm to 2 am)

And Funny Girlz 6 Comedy Show, at Hotel Zoso, which started five minutes ago, if you are at Palm Springs and on a laptop reading this and were planning to make it there, RUN, you might miss Julie Goldman! (Also, Stamie K, Tracy Ryerson, Liz Feldman, and Erin Foley)

9:11 pm: Everyone at Palm Springs is MIA, Katrina is telling me about termites.

Katrina: did you know
that termites can fly
because we just found that out
Emily: HAHAH
wtf
Katrina: i know right
how fucking horrifying
Emily: what are you doing to solve this problem
Katrina: um, right now?
screaming and running around and emailing our landlord
Emily: that sounds productive

10:05 pm: Um, still no word from anyone. I guess this means they are having such a good time they forgot why they’re there in the first place: TO SEND CUTE PICTURES OF EVERYONE BEING MADE OF KITTENS, OBVS.

10:26 pm: This is what Katrina and Emily look like with no updates from the team.

 

Also, we are vaguely worried, like lesbian mothers pacing around in slippers waiting for their drunk daughters to come home. Like, “Why you no call me? I wait up all night for you, you no come home for dinner, I worry myself sick! Santa Maria help us all!”

It is uncertain whether or not anyone’s mother actually talks that way, but if Emily and Katrina were Autostraddle’s lesbian mothers, they would probably sound kind of like that. It would also sound like this:

Emily: i think they all died already
Katrina: wow that was so quick
Emily: i know the weekend hasn’t even started
Katrina: we should go rescue them
while wearing cutoff shorts
Emily: we can squeeze into one plane seat
Katrina: or no pants
Emily: i wonder what happened to them
Katrina: i think probably ‘alcohol’

STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT.

10:48 pm: THE TEAM IS ALIVE AND HAS SOME VERY IMPORTANT UPDATES (turns out there was no internet and they were alive all along)

Rachel: Stamie’s son Jagger is my spirit animal. THIS IS IMPORTANT.

Sarah F*cking Palmface: Julie Goldman just said pussy SO MANY TIMES I can’t even

11:11 pm: Rachel via gchat:

Basically, we just went to Girl Bar’s Funny Girlz comedy show
with Tracy Ryerson, Stamie K, Liz Feldman, Erin Foley, and Julie Goldman
um
I think Stamie’s son Jagger is my spirit aniimal
fact
and Julie Goldman was amazing
obvs

Obvs.

11:14 pm: Rachel, Riese, Laneia, Sarah, Haviland, and Jess R are now back in the hotel room.

11:24 pm: Rachel via gchat:

brandy is coming over
we are skipping the party at Hunter’s and instead having a “never go to sleep ever in the hotel room” party

11:41 pm: So because of forces beyond anyone besides Verizon Wireless’s control, there are no pictures yet of anything funny or comedic. But trust me you guys it was super! Great! The bar had vodka tonics SO obvs it was super enjoyable.

11:44 pm: HELLO HERE ARE SOME BLURRY PHOTOS TAKEN VIA HTC ERIS. YOU ARE WELCOME. THIS EPISODE WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY VODKA TONICS.

 

 

12:04 AM: Julie, Brandy, Alex, Jess, Haviland and Sarah are boldly going where quite a few lesbians have gone before, which is to the Thursday night party at Hunter’s across the street from Hotel Zoso. Other members of Team Autostraddle are not so brave, and are staying inside the hotel room which is fortified with air conditioning and All Of The Oranges. It’s like All Of The Lights except Alex Vega is better at typography. Anyways tomorrow maybe we will have more updates and possibly photographs from the INSANE LESBIAN DEBAUCHERY of tonight’s party, but for tonight GO TO BED WEIRDOS. Or eat a mango or something IDK. We’ll see you bright and early tomorrow morning! <3

Linda Perry Starts Pink’s Party, Defends Christina Aguilera, Is Legendary

Linda Perry has been out from day one of her career as the lead singer of the early 90s rock group 4 Non Blondes — at the 1993 Billboard Awards she performed their one-hit wonder (and current drunken karaoke fave) “What’s Up” with the word “dyke” emblazoned on her guitar. When the group broke up she retreated a bit from the music industry, instead releasing two emotional and creatively fulfilling noncommercial solo records.

Then in 2001, Pink plucked her rockstar idol out of relative obscurity when the Perry-written-and-produced “Get the Party Started” helped make Pink’s second album an international best seller and Pink a household name.

Witnessing Pink‘s career reinvention, Christina Aguilera came calling in 2002 and formed an unlikely but hugely successful pop musical relationship.

Linda is now one of the most in-demand prolific songwriters and record producers in the industry writing and producing songs for Alicia Keys, Courtney Love, Gwen Stefani and Adam Lambert (among countless others).

Inspired by recent love obsession and heartbreak, Linda is writing, recording and performing her own music for the first time in 12 years in the form of a rock duo named Deep Dark Robot. She’s also the producer of the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center’s An Evening With Women, Celebrating Arts, Music and Equality, which raises money for the center’s women-specific services including women’s health and medical, legal assistance, domestic violence prevention & education, cultural programs, self-enrichment courses, social events and discussion groups. I recapped last year’s event where Pink gave a surprise performance, officially reuniting the kindred spirits after a falling out several years ago.

Jess spoke to Linda about her spontaneous performance with Pink at last year’s Evening With Women, the state of the current pop music landscape, her career as an cover artist via iPhone on Twitter, Christina Aguilera’s terrible year in the press and the girl who broke her heart and inspired her new record 8 Songs About A Girl.

What services are specifically benefited from the money raised by An Evening With Women?

First and foremost, the majority of the money goes to the youth center program,which is basically kids that get thrown out on the street by their own parents for being gay. These kids are fourteen, fifteen, sixteen years old and are turning to drugs and prostitution and the center basically opens up its doors and provides shelter, homes, food, teaches the kids how to clean, how to cook, they help them get jobs… and they have therapy for these kids. There’s also a really good program for seniors that are struggling and don’t have anyone to turn to. There’s an incredible clinic on the facilities that is amazing and it’s “pay what you can.” The center provides legal services… just so, so much! It’s just everything and on top of everything else, The Center is at the forefront fighting for gay rights.  So, An Evening With Women is a whole event that focuses on benefiting this part of Los Angeles that we need to open our eyes up to and start supporting because they do so much for the community.

Pink’s surprise performance at the event last year was a huge surprise for everyone, especially in light of your publicized falling out in 2003. When did you mend your relationship with her?

Well, it’s not that we had a broken one, it’s just that she and I stopped talking for a few years because… well, she got mad at me, and for good reason… Someone had asked me about one of her records, I think it was Try This, and I think they took it out of context, but I said, “Well, I know what Alecia is capable of, and it’s crap to me. Because I know what she can really do.” So, you put “Linda Perry Says Pink’s Last Album Was Crappy” as a headline and of course she’s gonna fucking get mad! And I totally understand! But, she and I spoke and we get along great again. Pink and I will always be like falling off a bicycle – we’re gonna get right back on and be fine. She’s stubborn and I’m stubborn. Whatever she’s doing [musically] is totally working. She doesn’t need anybody to fix anything. So, she and Carey came out last year and supported An Evening With Women, they bought a table which was really awesome of her. And, ya know… I saw her there and I was like “well, shit! I’m up here and she’s down there and… let me just go for it! And so, she came up and it was an amazing, spontaneous moment. We don’t plan those kinds of spontaneous moments so don’t ask if I’m gonna try and do that again! Those moments in life are rare and awesome.

Have you discussed possibly collaborating again for her next album?

Nope…. again, if that were to happen it would probably be in a very spontaneous way.

I really feel like the public has been too hard on Christina Aguilera this past year. Do you think it’s a case of society wanting to tare someone down only to build them back up because the public loves a comeback story?

Christina’s always had the bad rap. So, it’s not like this is happening all of a sudden… she’s always had it. That’s something between Christina, her fans, the public, and the energy of the world. That’s something only Christina and the energy can figure out what’s going on there. But, as far as I’ve known her, everybody’s always given her a hard time. She’s a different little bird. You know, she’s not really out a lot and when she does go out, people are gonna grab things. Like, is she running around as much as Britney Spears was a few years ago? No, she’s isn’t. But, when they catch her they catch her in whatever state she is in. I don’t know why the press is so hard on her right now. I think Christina’s awesome and a very talented person. She definitely doesn’t care — and that is a fact. You know how some people say “I don’t care” and they really do? I can tell you that Christina really doesn’t care…. because she learned very early on that critics are critics, people will say whatever they want and it’s up to her to decide what is the truth and what is not. She stands true to what she knows.

Like, she told me “I know this Bionic record is not going to be a big record because I’m gonna try and do some different things and I don’t know what’s gonna happen but this is what I wanna do…” She knew that before she recorded one thing. She knew that about Back to Basics, too. Her record company came to her and said “you’re gonna sell way more many records if you make this a single album. Let’s get rid of the double record.” And she said, “No, this is how I hear it. I  hear one record being like this and the other record being like this.” Everybody warned her that it’s not going to sell as much but she didn’t care because she comes up with creative ideas and stands behind them as an artist. It’s not all about selling a bazillion records to her. She just wants to be able to stand behind it. In the end she did say to me, “Maybe I did release the Bionic record too soon. Oh well. Now, I wanna make a rock record!” I was like “Oh, God!” She’s gonna take everybody for a ride. So, ultimately, why she gets put down I don’t know. You’ll never know, I’ll never know, only Christina will ever figure that out and get the answer.

How do you feel about the current pop music landscape?

I think there are too many people trying to analyze it instead of just trying to feel it out and going with what feels natural. When people start putting pop music into a format and want everybody else to follow that format or formula is when the problem starts happening. That’s when the creative process dies and we’re left with an aftermath of just “blah.” I think there are a lot of great people out there, but I’d like the people who are supporting mainstream music to maybe just ask a little bit more of their artists. I feel like maybe the fans need to start raising the bar and maybe that will get the artist and the labels to start raising the bar.

Just this morning I saw a clip of Britney Spears performing on Good Morning America and it really blew my mind what she is getting away with.

Yeah, well, there’s a lot of people getting away with that! That’s why I feel it’s not just the labels and the artists fault. It’s the fans too. The people who are supporting it — they need to start demanding more. But, the problem is that in the world we live in right now, people aren’t really taking the time to raise the bar. You need to start wanting more for yourself. It all starts within us… if you want to get deep about it. To “raise the bar” would mean that you’d have to want more for who YOU are. You’d have to want better for you. Unfortunately, we’re not in that world… people aren’t giving themselves that kind of attention because everything is so fast. Everything that is going on in society today is going faster and faster and nobody even has time to take a breath and even understand what they’re walking into. So, to ask more of your artists means that you’d have to think you DESERVE to get more. So, really think about that… As a society, people aren’t really taking care of themselves.

I agree completely with you. Just how so many young kids live off .99 cent iTunes singles as opposed to buying a complete body of work like they used to.

Exactly.

Are there any up and coming indie artists you love who we should absolutely be supporting who we may not be aware of?

Hmmm… I think everything that Juliette Lewis does is amazing because she is an indie artist to me over an actress. Like, she really goes out there, and is really giving it 100% of her all. That girl toured in a van for 3 years until she worked her way up to where she’s selling out the El Ray Theatre and touring in a bus now. She’s really been paying her dues as an artist and I think everything she does is great because she’s coming from true heart. I like Bat For Lashes. I think it’s really creative and I enjoy her work a lot. I’ve never met her but she seems like a cool chick. Florence + the Machine I will always support. I know she’s not too indie, but she’s amazing. There’s an LA band called Nico Vega that is pretty phenomenal… Aja, the singer of that band, she’s really got a voice that is pretty serious, and her whole vibe is amazing.

I know you wrote and produced for Adam Lambert with “A Loaded Smile” for his album. He’s one of the first mainstream pop singers to be out at the very start of his career. Do you think pop musicians need to worry about staying closeted the way actors do?

Hmmm… I still don’t understand that. That’s a whole other interview! I honestly am still baffled by the closet thing. I don’t get it. There’s nothing you can tell me that would make me understand why people feel the need to hide who they are – under any circumstance. So, I can’t comprehend it therefore I can’t even answer it.

Is there anybody whom you’re dying to work with?

No…. I like who the universe throws in my way. I like the surprise of it. I’d probably pick the wrong person. I like the open surprise – it’s like a grab bag.. it just shows up. Like, I never would’ve picked Pink in a million years to want to work with. I mean, she had pink hair and was a white girl singing bad R&B music…. I mean, I would’ve never chosen her at all! But, I love her and the fact that the universe threw her in my life is amazing and I’m SO thankful for it. So, the universe does a far better job of choosing who I should work with.

I’m a big fan of the “iPhone Sessions” you record and upload Twitter. What inspired you to start those and how do you technically record them?

Basically, I woke up one morning after a long conversation with this producer and an artist and they were yankin’ on about how they used three Pro Tool machines and did some godly, huge production… just bragging about all this stuff they did… and when I heard the song I was like, “are you fuckin’ for real?” You did all this shit for that? It was just very disturbing and the song sucked… Basically, what people do nowadays is they take bad songs (they don’t even put the energy into making a good song), so they take bad songs and put all this fluff of production and arrangements and tricks and gadgets and outfits and blah blah blah, and they go and they sell that to the people and go, “look how great this is!” when really, if you strip it all down, there is no song there. So, I always say to somebody, “can you play your song acoustic?” Can you grab an acoustic guitar or a piano and sit down and play your song? And, 90% of the music out there today you cannot do that. So, that’s a huge start right there.

So, anyway, my whole point was that I can take my stupid iPhone and if I have a good song and a good performer I can just put it up – one take – and look at this. Fuckin’ sounds great! People relate to it. It sounds awesome. I’m just using my iPhone  Memo/Audio Recorder app and I put it by my acoustic guitar or my piano and I just choose a song. Like, okay “Mad World” or “Creep.” It takes me like fifteen minutes to learn the song and then I record it in one take. If there’s a mistake I keep it and then I Twitter it and there ya go! So that’s why I started doing them…. it was just to show people that these are great songs. “Angie” is a great song, listen to it on piano.

Have you considered releasing an album of you doing covers acoustically stripped down like that? Or even releasing the iPhone sessions as mp3s?

Yeah, when I get back home after the tour is over I’m actually gonna start maybe doing that. My band Deep Dark Robot actually recorded some covers as well so I wanna release that first. And then I wanna do “Linda Perry iPhone Sessions” where I choose the best ones that I like and maybe add a couple new ones and the release that as well… I mean, I’d just give that away. Just like “here ya go.” Or, maybe put a charity attached to it and go OK, this is $2 that’s going straight to an animal organization or something. ‘Cause I am aware that there’s something kinda cool and special about ’em. I mean, a couple of them I had just woken up in the morning and I just recorded it. “Fever” I recorded in my bathroom at the studio. The Leonard Cohen song, “Hallelujah” I had just gotten back from Hawaii and I had a piano in my bathroom and just say down and recorded that one. So, they’re fun to do and I really enjoy it. I’m glad you like it!

Let’s talk about Deep Dark Robot and 8 Songs About A Girl. Concept albums focusing on a single relationship are always fascinating. Adele‘s new record is about one relationship and it’s heartbreaking.

I think that I’ve been in several relationships and broken up and been hurt in several but never written a song or entire record about them… This one in particular stayed with me – not that the other ones didn’t – but, this girl ended up being a muse for me. Because, it’s not just really about an album. She’s been a catalyst in a lot of other ways, like, if it weren’t for her I wouldn’t have started going on tour, would never have made an album, I would not be talking to you right now… this whole journey of my life would never have begun.

How long ago did the relationship end?

It never actually began. This was a situation where I fell in love and two people were getting together that just couldn’t be together. I kept getting pulled in and out, back and forth, back and forth, to a point where it made me obsessive and starting making me crazy… really effecting me…. so. I never got the girl. It was very sad and also very romantic, but very sad…. and I know she is equally tortured. There was some pursuing that was being done on her end that should have never happened… and I’m not talking about people cheating on each other.

It’s a straight girl.

Yea, it was a straight girl… there was never going to be a happy ending. But I continued playing into it because I fell in love.

Over what time period did this span?

Well, the songs were written as I was experiencing the emotions in these last 7 months. She’s still there… I could still keep going writing more music about her, but I wanted to end that set of 8 songs. She loves the record.

I noticed you have a tattoo of a tear on your face. What’s the story behind that?

The tear is basically my best friend and I of 20 years. After I had been on tour for a long time I saw that he (Aubin) had tattooed a tear on his face because he missed me… A while later I was in the process of moving to Los Angeles and he was moving to New York.So, when we were splitting up and weren’t going to be living across the street from each other I said “tattoo a tear on me” because I’m so sad… it’s a friend thing. We’re best friends. He got a tear, I got a tear…. Meanwhile, I think he was in New York for like two or three weeks and wound up moving to LA. I was like, “I got this fuckin’ tear now on my face!” Anyways, I love it and we remain best friends still and he is definitely my rock in my life.

Dinah Shore Weekend 2011: Lesbian Events, Parties & Concert Schedule

Hey do you have your bikini on? Do you want to take it off and leap into the swimming pool where you can languish in the desire and fun reverberating from every water jet and every human female also in the pool? Do you enjoy not just one beer, but 15 beers? Do you like dance music? Dancing? COMEDY?!

Or — Are you a socially awkward weirdo who generally prefers vacations which involve historical re-enactment villages or modern art museums and usually needs a xanax to do anything besides sit at home and typity-type-type into your computer screen?

Well either way there is a home for you at Dinah Shore, even for the weirdos, because we’re weirdos, AND WE’RE GOING. You guys, the weather:

Basically there are two situations happening simultaneously during Dinah Shore Weekend — there’s Club Skirts and there’s GirlBar — two pools, two sets of parties, etc. Most people buy an all-access pass to one or the other but party-hopping is always possible if you want to buy individual event tickets. It’s too late to buy tickets online but you can pick them up on site at Girlbar or at Club Skirts.

Last year we did a little bit of both but mostly Club Skirts. This year we’ll be holding down Autostraddle HQ at Girlbar in some kind of special lounge situation, which my or may not look like this:

This year Team Auto will be represented by Riese, Laneia, Julie Goldman, Brandy Howard, Jess R., Alex Vega, Sarah Jesus Christ Palmface, Rachel Killer K and Haviland “Rising Star” Stillwell.

We’ll be live blogging/photographing/video-ing our Dinah adventures starting this Thursday night until Sunday and it will be super entertaining.

So on with it…

 

Let’s start with the GirlBar events:

– Wednesday –

Meet n Greet Cocktail Party

at The Hyatt Lounge & Pool Deck from 8pm-11pm

EVERYONE LOVES A COCKTAIL!

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– Thursday –

Welcome Party

at Hunters Nightclub, from 8pm-2am
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Funny Girlz 6 – Comedy Show

at Hotel Zoso, doors at 7:30pm, show at 8:30pm

hosted by Stamie K and Tracy Ryerson of your favorite show of all time, The Real L Word!

featuring JULIE GOLDMAN, the funniest lesbian in the entire world!

Along with Liz Feldman and Erin Foley!

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– Friday –

TGIF Pool Party

at The Hyatt Pool Deck starting at noon til 5pm

Girl Bar Dancers vs. Truck Stop Girls all day long!

You may recognize these girls from your other favorite TV show, Gimme Sugar!

Look! It’s just like The L Word:

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then get on your favorite white virginal dress or pantsuit ’cause it’s time for the …

Pure White Party

at Hotel Zoso with a performance by Wynter Gordon performing her hits”Dirty Talk” and “Believer”

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– Saturday –

Wet n Wild Pool Party

at The Hyatt Pool Deck from 9am-4pm
featuring the Lingerie Football League

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Chill Out Pool Party

at Hotel Zoso from 10am-4pm
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Gurlesque – THE MAIN EVENT

at Hotel Zoso from 9pm-2am
with a live performance by British singing sensation Estelle (hits including “American Boy” and “One Love”)

and a burlesque show by the Truckstop Girls and GirlBar’s Go-Gos.

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– Sunday –

Splash Pool Party

at The Hyatt Pool Deck from 9am-5pm
with a performance by Jessie and the ToyBoys

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Closing Party

at Hunters Nightclub from 9pm-2am
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Now onto the Club Skirts events:

– Wednesday –

Meet and Greet

at the Riviera Resort and Hotel
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– Thursday –

Laughing Loud

an evening of comedy with Paula Poundstone, Susan Westenhoefer, Fortune Feimster and more.
Doors at 7pm. Show starts at 8:30pm

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Opening Bash

at Zeldaz Nightclub at 9pm.

Two rooms, two dance floors and an outside patio.

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– Friday –

Frisky Friday Pool Party

with a live performance by Auburn.
at the Riviera Resort from noon to 5pm.

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White Diamonds Party

at the Riviera Resort and Spa at 9pm

MTV/Logo VIP party from 9pm – 10:30pm in the VIP Section

Celebrity Arrivals from 10pm-10:30pm

featuring performances by Chely Wright and Dev & The Cataracs
(Doors at 8pm, concert at 8:45pm)

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– Saturday –

Cabana Girl Pool Party

with a meet-n-great with The Real Housewives‘ Fernanda Rocha and an autograph signing by The L Word’s Laurel Holloman …

2-5 pm – Girltrash! Pool Party

Meet & Greet with Creator Angela Robinson with actors & friends of the Girltrash web-series: Gabrielle Christian, Mandy Musgrave, Michelle Lombardo, Lisa Rieffel, Alex Kondracke and Clementine Ford.

5pm – Battle of the Lesbian Webseries

The Battle of the Lesbian Webseries at 5pm featuring Anyone But Me, Venice, We Have to Stop Now, Cherry Bomb, Cowgirl Up, The Lovers & Friends Show, Girltrash, GirlGirl Scene, More to L with our girl Nat Garcia, Orange Juice in Bishop’s Garden, Seeking Simone & The Real Girl’s Guide to Everything Else.
(At the Riviera Resort at 9am.)

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The Hollywood Party

at the Palm Springs Convention Center at 9pm

Here TV! Network & SheWired.com VIP Party: 9pm-10:30 PM

Red Carpet arrivals from 10-10:30 pm

featuring performances by Platinum Recording artist Natasha Bedingfield at 11pm

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and Luciana performing her hit “I Like That” and more at 1am

 

Also, Wolfe Video presents a high-flying acrobatic act by P!nk choreographer and star of “A Marine Story” Dreya Weber.
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– Sunday –

Love is Louder Pool Party

at the Riviera Resort & Spa

to support the Love is Louder campaign launched by Brittany Snow MTV and The JED Foundation

with a performance by Tiffany Dunn and an autograph appearance by Lauren Holloman.

and a “Surprise Performance” by “one of the most popular bands – an absolute crowd favorite!”

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The Closing Gala

 

at Zeldaz Nightclub at 9pm

 

WHEN DO YOU WANNA MEET UP?!

Crystal’s Team Pick: DeAnne Smith’s Australian Tour

Good news, Australia. Over the next three months you’re going to have multiple opportunities to experience the wit and charm of DeAnne Smith in person.

DeAnne is taking her act, “About Freakin’ Time,” to the Sydney and Melbourne comedy festivals. For 50 minutes, DeAnne vows to dissect that pesky fourth dimension, broaching time travel, God, vengeful dolphins, and more. Plus deliver at least 450 seconds of bonus unscripted hilarity!

She’ll also be traveling around the country as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival roadshow.

Here’s what the critics are saying.

“Smart. Accessible. Engaging. A winning combination.” – The Age

“Witty, sideswipe punchlines. This gal’s ready for the big leagues.” – Time Out Sydney

“I’m quite good at comedy.” – DeAnne Smith

MELBOURNE

The Melbourne International Comedy Festival
31 March – 24 April
Info and tickets >

SYDNEY

Sydney Comedy Festival
4 – 7* May
More info  >
Buy tickets >

* On Saturday May 7 a group of Autostraddlers will be attending DeAnne’s Sydney show and you should come too! Order your ticket/s online and then get in touch so that we can coordinate our plaid. crystal at autostraddle dot com

ELSEWHERE
The Melbourne International Comedy Festival Roadshow

According to the Roadshow website, a bunch of the Festival’s finest Australian and international comedians are going to cram healthy egos into tiny suitcases and hit the highways of our mighty continent.

DeAnne will be performing on the dates below. Google or check your local paper for the full line up and event details.

April 28- Bayswater
April 29- Ringwood
April 30- Pakenham
May 1- Frankston
May 11- Morwell
May 12- Warburton
May 13, 14- Sale
May 17- Kununurra
May 20- Noosa
May 21- Nambour
May 22- Redcliffe
May 24, 25, 26- Cairns
May 27- Atherton
May 28- Innesfail
May 29- Gladstone
May 31- Gold Coast
June 3- Ballina
June 4- Yamba

What Do I Pack for Dinah Shore?: Pool Party Packing 101

You may think that packing your bags to go to Palm Springs for Dinah Shore Weekend would be just like packing for any other vacation, and you would be so incredibly wrong! When you’re getting your stuff together for the biggest lezzer bikini dance party crazyfest in the USA, you have to make sure you consider every possible situation that could arise, including but not limited to every single person getting her period at the exact same time. Also, needing a ponytail holder.

Lucky for you, Team Autostraddle has braved the wilds of Dinah Shore Weekend before. So we’re exceptionally qualified to give you all sorts of advice on what to bring and how to be prepared for the debauchery — I MEAN GOOD CLEAN WHOLESOME FUN.

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Taylor

1. A corkscrew. You’d be surprised how frustrating it is when you don’t have one. Last year Julie Goldman saved my life, and you could make so many friends if you had a corkscrew on you. Believe me. Or circumvent this issue altogether and see #3.

2. Inflatable anything. Kelsey and I picked up an inflatable shark and turtle and the rest is HISTORY. By that I mean, Kelsey posed for lots of super cute photo-ops with those guys.

3. Franzia. Just kidding, you should totally pick this up there. You know, the TSA and all. You’re going to need Franzia in the morning just to make it to the brunch place where a bloody mary will cure what ails you. Or I mean, not drinking is probably an all-around smarter idea.

4. A cute dress and some cargo shorts. Depending on the crowd, you can tinker with your gender presentation accordingly to feel like a special snowflake.

5. A camera. Palm Springs is beautiful… you should really get your drunk ass out of that hotel courtyard.

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Sarah

1. A bottle opener. Actually, just bring a lighter because it can double as a bottle opener and that fire is also going to come in handy.

2. Large sunglasses to help you avoid being recognized in the background of The Real L Word Dinah episode.

3. Hair-dryer/straightener/whatever that can handle being covered in mojito/being used by five lesbians at all hours of the day. My straightener hardly survived last year.

4. Board shorts. Several pairs.

5. TAMPONS and some aspirin. You will start your period if you go to Dinah Shore, there is no other option.

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Laneia

1. First-aid kit. Last year mine included Advil, four tampons, two sporks, some band-aids, electrical tape, a small bottle of hydrogen peroxide, Neosporin, matches, hand sanitizer and a Sharpie. This year I’m adding ACE BANDAGE + LIGHTER. Learn from experience.

2. Several bottles/spray cans of sunscreen. No one else will bring any, or they won’t bring enough, so they’ll steal yours.

3. Bandana. They’re cute and useful. The key is to cut them in half. You have to cut them in half.

4. Wisps! Just can’t stress this enough. When your breath is fresh and minty and your teeth are clean, you’re 89% more confident when you ask to borrow Julie Goldman’s bottle opener. Or whatever, I mean, you know.

5. Cash. And not just twenties. One of you will be the one who gets the coffee, but probably it won’t be you. You’ll need to pay that person. That person may or may not run into Miley Cyrus while accomplishing this task.

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Kelsey

1. Reusable water bottle. Some have trees on them so you can be like, “Hey Look! I love nature!” Chicks dig that.

2. Reusable tumbler with straw and lid to maximize your drinkage to spillage ratio. Also it’s easily identifiable and you don’t have to worry (as much) about being poisoned by girls who just want to get in your pants.

3. Sunglasses so you never have to make eye contact with anyone and can check out anyone you like without them knowing. May I suggest the kind you get from Chinatown/street vendors/H&M for $5 so that it’s not a big deal when they inevitably break or you give them to some girl who would look cute in them or they are inevitably stolen. May I also suggest buying them in a bright color, like red, so you are easily identifiable and immediately cool.

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Riese

1. Tonic to go with the vodka to make my signature drink, the VODKA VODKA tonic.

2. Either Ambien or an iPod, which you should pre-load with Baby White Noise and then stick in your ears and put on repeat and block out everybody’s noise to sleep soundly. Because everyone is going to be snoring, making out, or kicking you in the throat.

3. Something black for the white party:

4. Six white Hanes a-shirts, aka “beaters.” Goes with everything and it’s not too sad when you spill mojito on it because it only cost like $4.

5. Your laptop so you can read our liveblog.

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Jess R.

1. Snacks Good, healthy, cheap food is hard to come by at these all-day pool party situations so make sure to stick a few protein/fiber bars in your bag for those afternoon low blood sugar lulls. Otherwise, you may have to spend $10 on a bag of chips and half cooked veggie burger.

2. A hoodie. I froze my ass off last year because I thought Palm Springs would be 80 degrees. Turns out it’s the desert and the desert gets cold at night. Consider yourself warned. And if you bring an American Apparel hoodie, you could rock the Justin Bieber lesbian look.

3. An outfit for the White Party. There’s a party Saturday night where everyone has to wear white. I believe it’s called The White Party. A lot of us have issues with wearing all white, and we’re Autostraddle and therefore rebel against authority, so we sometimes wear black to such events. Use your discretion.

4. Five Hour Energy/Red Bull. Not only does this keep you awake for the non-stop partying, it also goes great with vodka.

Rachel

1. Xanax.

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Julie and Brandy

1. Beer opener/wine opener/pill cutter.

2. Beer/wine/prescription pills.

3. Loose tank top to put over your bikini top while at the pool. This will cover your stomach, but show side boob!

4. Feather earrings. These are a must if you want to RULE at lesbian nighttime functions.

5. Scarf and/or fingerless gloves for fashion and function. It’s actually quite chilly in Palm Springs at night.

I feel like the moral of the story is: bottle opener. Hey! Are you going to Palm Springs with us? Have you been to a similar event which enables you to pontificate on this topic? Are we forgetting anything?

Lingerie Football League Lesbian Amber Elizabeth Will Tackle You

As we all know, not every lesbian or straight person is a football fan. But maybe, juuuuust maybe, you could stand it if you knew that out on the field was an intelligent, hard-working, super fit lady who likes ladies. Oh, look what we found. A LADY JUST LIKE THAT. Her name is Amber Elizabeth. She plays in the Lingerie Football League for the Los Angeles Temptation whom she calls “the best looking team in the league.” When she’s not busy winning the 2011 championship with her team, she is a fitness model and personal trainer.

You might be wondering what good this is gonna do you? With your luck the only time you’ll run into the lesbian footballer of your dreams is while getting granola from Trader Joe’s in your pajamas. But wait, Amber and her teammates will be at Girlbar’s Dinah Shore Weekend? We even have the date and time? Now you can “coincidentally” wear your cutest top at the right moment!

The best part is that Amber, along with other members of  the L.A. Temptation, will appear live in Palm Springs during Girlbar Dinah Shore on Sat. April 2nd at the Wet n’ Wild Pool Party happening at the Hyatt’s upper pool deck. Doors open at 9am. You obviously need to buy those tickets now.

Want to get to know Amber a little better? Oh, we’ve got you covered.

Brittani: Congrats on the championship! How did you end up trying out for the team?

Amber: Thank you! I was home visiting family and a friend mentioned the league. I called my best friend to see if I should go to tryouts and the response I got was, “If you don’t go I might punch you in the face.” They know how much sports mean to me.

You played wide receiver and corner this year. Do you prefer one to the other?

I like playing defense, so cornerback. I have more of an ability to see a play develop. My reaction time is pretty quick because of basketball. I do play receiver, but they tend to make me run the ball a bit more. But I’m not afraid to run and get hit — I really get into it so I’m okay with getting pummeled.

How did your friends and family react to you joining the team?

My parents are pretty conservative. My mom is typical old school. At first, when she heard about playing football in underwear she was a little skeptical, so we just agreed to disagree. Then when we made the playoffs, I told her they were going to be live and asked if she would watch so I could feel like I have support. The whole family and my dad watched and said they were so proud of me. They could see that when I’m on the field, I’m at home. Now they’re completely supportive of it.

LFL Season 2 Teaser

Were you out before you joined the league?

Being from a small town, I had to keep things under wraps. I moved to LA for a fresh start, so I never hid it from anybody — it’s been free information.

I didn’t feel the need to proclaim it, though. Eventually people figured it out. Some girls asked if I had a boyfriend and the answer was no, not so much. [laughs] I’ve gotten asked how do two girls have sex. My answer is how do they not? I’m like an educational tool for the team.

I hate the Packers but I love Aaron Roger’s championship belt celebration, even though it’s technically not allowed. Do you have a touchdown celebration dance planned for next season?

Yeah, I love those. The game against Chicago, I made an interception and ran it back for a touchdown but it was waved off because of a penalty called on my teammate. I slid into the end zone like I was sliding into home base and got tackled by all my teammates, so I didn’t have a chance to celebrate after that. When someone scores, you freak out and do whatever. After a touchdown, I jumped on #19, Zipphora Chase, and just went crazy on her. There’s no telling what you’ll do. When they play the starting introductions, I do the Dougie.

Seems like a lot of trash talk goes on between teams. Are you a big trash talker?

[laughs] You have a mouth guard in so you can’t talk shit without spitting on someone. But if they’re trying to hold me or punch me when I’m down, that’s too much. The league wants a good show, so sometimes they let stuff go. One time a girl came at me like a spider money and was being really crazy coming for my face. I went up to her and real quietly went, “I want to let you know you’re the worst player ever.” I didn’t know she had never played in an actual game before. [laughs] After the game she came up to me and went, “I am so, so sorry. It’s my first time.” It was so funny.

I’m amazed that clothes aren’t ripped off. Have you ever had a wardrobe malfunction?

I think everyone has had a malfunction. It’s illegal to intentionally lift uniforms off. A couple girls’ tops have actually broken. We always wear pasties — you have to have them, so we have fun with them. I had black stars with lots of sparkles on them. I also rocked skull and crossbones for a while.

As a lesbian, how do you feel about playing in a sport that caters to a male viewership?

I have a lot of guy friends and I get it. We establish respect for women’s sports because we play a predominantly male game and it’s not toned down. With the NFL possibly not having a season we might be right there to fill in. We’re hoping to establish an NFL for women.

Is there a level of camaraderie between you and any other bisexual or lesbian women in the league?

Absolutely! I can always tell who the girls are on other teams. On my team there’s me and one other gay girl and a girl who’s bi. I’m so close with so many of the girls so yeah, we can talk about more things, but I’m so open with all of the team. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, or whatever.

Sex appeal is being used as the main draw to promote a legitimate athletic league. As a female athlete, does that bother you at all?

If I felt like a lack there was a lack of talent due to limiting people based on how they look, it would bother me. But I have yet to come across a team that doesn’t have incredible athletes. I’d have an issue if I felt I wasn’t being challenged. There are standout athletes and I’d rather play them than some Playboy bunny.

Do you ever see the league moving away from lingerie and towards more traditional uniforms?

I don’t. The uniform has changed and evolved. There are already leagues that have the same uniform as the NFL. Pads and the whole nine yards. They have to pay a lot to play and they make no money. I would rather get paid to play. You have to set yourself apart, so we have to keep some entertainment aspect to it, especially playing on TV. The best way for female sports to survive is by thinking outside the box to keep it interesting. But I do hope the tops are more supportive at some point.

You’ve been on the cover of Oxygen three times. Have any good hook-up stories with other models?

There’s another girl who’s been on the cover of Oxygen and there was a time in Vegas — we were both working an event. It was kind of a joke for us. Here we are, two fitness models and I think I met her through my agent. As soon as she walked through the room, she knew, I knew. We both thought we were bisexual at the time but after that stint in Vegas, I think we both were like “Bisexual? Not so much.”

I saw the playlist from one of those interviews. Is music a big part of your workout?

Absolutely! I like everything across the board. On a long run, anything from Florence and the Machine to Sia… easy listening, jazz, blues. If I’m in the gym, sometimes I’ll be feeling my roots and listen to some gospel. I download podcasts a lot. Lately they’ve been coming out with Etta James and classics like that and mix it and make house music. That’s what I love.

Are you looking forward to being around good music and dancing ladies at Dinah?

I’m going to get in a little warm-up while I’m home in New York. My friends all like to go out Thursday nights. I’m going to break it down a little bit to make sure I’m ready. I’m bringing my best friend with me to Dinah — we’re going to drive cross country. So she’ll be there and five of my teammates. I’m bringing the best dancers. Girls that can really pop their booties.

Have you been to Dinah before?

Never ever ever.

Are you excited?

My first month in LA, I went to Lesbian Attack and I don’t even remember what I did that night. I was in awe of so many lesbians packed into one place at one time. From what I hear, Dinah is going to be ten times that. I’m excited and ready.

What’s your favorite song to dance to right now?

They have to play Teach Me How to Dougie. It’s my favorite song of all time ever. T.I. has a song called Make Your Face Fall Off, I think. I play it in my car all the time. If you stand still while it’s on, something is wrong with you.

Is there a go-to pick-up line you’ll be using at Dinah?

I’ve never hit on a girl my entire life! And I don’t plan on starting at Dinah Shore. The best relationships and friends I have happened kind of randomly. I’ll be walking around like a big dork but you never know what I’m going to come up with. I don’t have cheesy pick-up lines. I’m super sarcastic and that’s gotten me some great friends.

So you’re single?

I’ve been dating the same girl for 7 months. She has a theory that if I eliminated all my options and it was just her, what does that prove? She’s not even coming. She said, “It’s something you need to experience and if you come back and still want to date me, that really means something.” She’s exactly right.

Any guilty pleasure foods you’ll be on the lookout for?

All the girls coming from LA, we have a drunk pizza tradition. No matter what time it is, three or four in the morning, we need pizza.

You can follow Amber @modelamberliz

Alex’s Team Pick: Julie Goldman In Real Life, Wednesday Night

Hi you guys! It’s my birthday so you have to do everything I tell you to. First order of business: click that GirlBar Dinah Shore ad to right side of this article. Why? Because it shows you care. Support our sponsors y’all.

Second order of biznass: our favorite comedian and lesbian idol JULIE GOLDMAN is doing some stand-up tomorrow night (Wednesday) in West Hollywood.

I thought I should let you know because I definitely don’t make it a habit of missing Goldman when she’s set to perform anywhere within a 100 mile radius from me (Los Angeles holler).

So here’s the info:

The Ho & Buteau Show
featuring
Julie Goldman
Betsy Salkind
& Nik Wilcox
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8pm, $5 tickets when you buy them online in advance
$10 at the door
8572 Santa Monica Blvd.
West Hollywood, CA

If you’re in or around Los Angeles, get there. This is the woman that brought us the ‘Commitment Ceremony’ song and the star of ‘In Your Box Office with Julie & Brandy‘ obvs.

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I’d also like to take this opportunity to point out that Julie Goldman will also be performing at GirlBar’s Dinah Shore Weekend along with Erin Foley, Liz Feldman and Stamie (Real L Word).

Damn the man, and come see Julie Goldman do stand-up because it’s always epic.

2011 Summer Music Festival Guide

If you’re a music loving queer living in the USA then you’re probably aware that the music festival season is just around the corner. In fact we should all be packing our bags / festival battle gear for South by Southwest right now.

In case it has escaped your attention, the lineups for this year’s U.S. music festivals are killer. With so many amazing events and so little time (and money), we’ve asked a few of our team members to make some recommendations. Some of them may be attending / live-blogging their nominated festivals.

Which festivals are you looking forward to this year?

If you happen to live someplace outside the USA, then the content below may make you feel a little sad. We’re sorry. You should brag about your country’s festivals so we can be sad, too.

South by Southwest

“Music Industry Spring Break”

March 16-20 // Austin, TX

[tickets / info]

by Stef

Lineup Highlights: Hundreds of bands play in dozens of venues all over downtown (you’ll quickly see why Austin is the live music capitol of the US), but I’m excited for the Black Angels, the Bangles, Black Joe Lewis and the Honeybears, Calvin Harris, Bloodgroup, Candy Claws, CREEP, Fitz & the Tantrums, Glasser, HANSON (shut up), Heaven, Innerpartysystem, Jukebox the Ghost, Le Butcherettes, MNDR, Phantogram, A Place To Bury Strangers, the Raveonettes, Screaming Females, Sharon Van Etten, Shilpa Ray & Her Happy Hookers, Tamaryn, Thao with the Get Down Stay Down, Those Darlins and Tune-Yards. Also uhh, Yoko Ono is playing.

Reason to attend: SO MANY BANDS. Odds are good if you just wander down Sixth St., you’re bound to come across a totally unknown band who’ll blow your mind. This is where the industry gets together and figures out who’s going to be the most-hyped acts of the next year Also it’s an awesome excuse to get wasted all day long and schmooze with a very relaxed crowd of music industry professionals. All the bands you’ll be obsessed with next year are wandering around checking each other out, and everybody in Austin is straight up there to PARTY.

Read About It: Stef@sxsw 2009, Stef@sxsw 2010

Bonnaroo

“Summer camp for weirdos, with music.”

June 9-12 // Manchester, TN

[tickets / info]

by Laneia

Lineup Highlights: Arcade Fire, Black Keys, Ray LaMontange, Scissor Sisters, Mumford & Sons, Old Crow Medicine Show, Girl Talk, Iron & Wine, Florence + the Machine, Robyn, Loretta Lynn, Big Boi, Beirut, Sleigh Bells, Abigail Washburn, Justin Townes Earle, Best Coast, Jessica Lea Mayfield, Phosphorescent

Reason to attend: Unity. I want to tell you that it’s all about the music — and there’s an impressive variety, spanning decades and genres — but sometimes it felt like the music took a backseat to how much I loved every sweaty humanperson wandering around on that farm. Like, these are my people. I didn’t even know I was missing them.

“I get it now: why people promise to go back every year; why, on Thursday, when someone yelled “Bonnaroo!” into a crowd, it was met with enthusiastic echoes of “Bonnarooooo!”; why everyone wears their entrance bracelets from past festivals. Bonnaroo’s like summer camp for weirdos. It’s bragging rights. I didn’t just see this gaggle of amazing bands that will probably never be in the same place again – I put up a tent, stayed awake until dawn, walked over 20 miles, lost 3 lbs., washed my hair using a five-gallon jug of water, shaved my legs in the front seat with a beer for breakfast, ruined a pair of shoes in the mud, ate stale tofu, witnessed humanity and saw some amazing bands.”

– Bonnaroo 2010: Autostraddle Takes Tennessee

Lollapalooza

“Perfect for first-timers, with a lineup to make even festival veterans happy.”

August 5-7 // Grant Park, Chicago, IL

[tickets / info]

by Sarah

Lineup Highlights: TBA. Lolla is late in the festival season, so the lineup won’t be out for a while. They usually put together a good bill that looks something like Coachella and Bonnaroo. The headliners last year were Lady Gaga, Phoenix, and Arcade Fire. Fingers crossed that this year is half as good.

Reason to attend: Those city lights. The downtown Chicago location makes Lolla a very different experience than most of the other big U.S. festivals. It’s not about acquiring a four-day layer of mud and sweat (though it has it’s fair share of both). During the day, you get to start your music viewing fresh, with a nice shower. You can enjoy the breeze off Lake Michigan and the excellent food trucked in from Chicago eateries. And when the headliners end their gigs around 10 p.m., everyone floods downtown and fills the clubs, which bring in some great acts for the weekend. The whole thing is a bit more commercial than any other American fest, making it perfect for people who aren’t quite ready for the Bonnaroo/Coachella intensity. But it’s still got plenty for all experience levels. Also this year is the 20th anniversary of Lollapalooza, so they will probably pull out all the stops. Do you want to miss that? Didn’t think so.

Read About It: Sarah goes to Lollapalooza

Pitchfork Music Festival

“Arbiter of musical taste curates three sweaty days in Chicago; scarves in July”

July 15-17 // Union Park, Chicago, IL

[tickets / info]

by Lindsay

Lineup Highlights: Animal Collective, TV on the Radio, Fleet Foxes, Cut Copy, The Dismemberment Plan, Deerhunter, James Blake & more.

Reason to attend: Affordability, for one — as one of the few festivals where three-day passes have never exceeded $100 (last year topped at $90), you can see some fantastic under-the-radar indie acts and festie favorites like Modest Mouse, LCD Soundsystem and The Flaming Lips for a pretty reasonable price. P4K also does a good job of showcasing local food and beverage purveyors (including the good-enough-to-convert-the-carnivores vegan Chicago Diner) and features Flatstock, a concert art expo featuring screen-printers and poster artists from all over the country.

Summerfest

“Massive gig + carnival + miniature civilization = Megazord of music festivals”

June 29-July 3 & July 5-10 // Milwaukee, WI

[tickets / info]

by Lindsay

Line up: Of the roughly 800 acts that will play throughout the festival, the only three that have been announced are Katy Perry, Toby Keith and Sugarland (with Sara Bareilles).

Reason to attend: Variety. From pop-punk to alt-country to classic rock greats to blues to worldbeat, there is quite literally something for everyone, and day passes usually run pretty cheap for all the music you’re getting. Plus, it’s Wisconsin, so you can be assured there are beer gardens, for you to DRINK ALL THE BEERS.

OTHER FESTIVALS TO CONSIDER

Coachella
April 15 – 17 // Indio, CA
Lineup Highlights: Arcade Fire, Kanye West, The Black Keys, Robyn, PJ Harvey, Slash, Mumford & Sons, the National, Sleigh Bells, Crystal Castles
Reason to attend: Coachella 2011 probably has the best line up of any festival line up ever. Also you know Kristen Stewart will probably be there. It sold out in a hot minute, however you might luck out and find a spare ticket.

 

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The Beale Street Music Festival
April 29 – May 1 // Memphis, TN
Lineup Highlights: Jerry Lee Lewis, Stone Temple Pilots, Jason Mraz, MGMT, Cee Lo Green, The Flaming Lips, Ke$ha
Reason to attend: Beale Street is historic hot spot for American blues. Also where else will you find Ke$ha and Jerry Lee Lewis in the same line up?

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Sasquatch!
May 27-30 // Gorge Amphitheater, George, WA
Lineup Highlights: Foo Fighters, Death Cab For Cutie, Robyn, Iron & Wine, Bright Eyes, Modest Mouse, Wilco, Sleigh Bells, Matt & Kim, Cold War Kids, more.
Reason to attend: If the line up isn’t a good enough reason to attend, check out the venue and its stunning backdrop. Want.

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Rockstar Energy Uproar Festival
August 17 – October 4 // Various Cities, USA
Line up: Disturbed, Avenged Sevenfold, Stone Sour, Halestorm, Airborne, more.
Reason to attend: Traveling hard rock & metal festival. Do your best to ignore the tacky energy drink sponsorship and get your horns up. \m/

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Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival
August 2-7, 2011 // Hart, MI
Line up: Andrea Gibson, Alix Olson, Hunter Valentine, Erase Errata, Melissa Ferrick, more.
Reason to attend: This 5-day women-only musical camping experience is a lesbian’s rite of passage, as reported in Autostraddle’s Girl-on-World article, “How the Michigan Womyn’s Festival Topless Women Changed My Lesbian Life Forever.”

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“Julie promised that there would be girls with their boobs out everywhere, and there has been.” – Brandy Howard on MichFest

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CMJ Music Marathon
Oct 18-22 // New York City, NY
Line up: TBA
Reason to attend: For one week, hundreds of up-and-coming acts take over New York City’s music venues. If you get in early, you can get your badge for half price.

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If you attend a particularly brilliant music festival that’s not on this list and should be, tell us about it in the comment section ’cause when we have to shut down Autostraddle and get ‘real jobs,’ we’re gonna want to come see you.

Jess’s Team Pick: Autostraddle’s Broadway Benefit Concert Photos & Video

Last month I told you about Tiffany Schleigh, the incredibly generous girl who decided to transform her February 21st birthday party into a benefit concert for Autostraddle on Broadway.  Well, the evening was an incredible success — so much so that folks lined up around the block, leaving standing room only — and this wasn’t even an original RENT cast reunion! In fact, the night was so special that the owner of Rachel’s (the show’s venue) offered Tiffany a weekly show, christened “Cabaret For A Cause: Open Your Heart at Open Mic,” where she will host open mic performers and donate $1 from every drink and $2 from every entree to whatever website, charity or show her little heart desires each night.

So, keep an eye out for upcoming cabaret performances every Monday night beginning in April and once again, THANK YOU TIFFANY!

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11-year-old Mallory Bechtel performing “For Good” from Wicked with Wicked‘s own Libby Servais!

So, Sydney’s Biggest Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras EVER Happened

This past weekend was the biggest event on the Australian queer calendar – The 2011 Sydney Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras.

The Mardi Gras is an annual gay pride parade that has been protesting inequality and celebrating the LGBT community since the early 80s. The Mardi Gras may be held in a very small country, but in fact it’s one of the largest Pride event of its kind in the world.

For one night the city closes down to allow for thousands and thousands of cheerful drunk people to dance or march through the streets in various states of undress. Every queer and queer ally should attend the Mardi Gras at least once in their lifetime. 

This year’s Mardi Gras Parade was likely one of the biggest ever, with 135 floats, 8,500 marchers and thousands upon thousands of spectators lining the streets. Following the Parade was the official Mardi Gras Party, which attracted approximately 13,000 people in itself. This year there was a strong focus on legalising same sex marriage because, while the government are happy to allow the queer community to throw a party that generates $30 mil for the local economy, they still won’t allow us to get married.

Australian queer website Same Same has captured the Mardi Gras spectacle in a rather brilliant photo gallery, check it out here.

I’ve compiled all the news and gossip from the night, courtesy of both credible news sources and the Morning After Lesbian Phone Tree:

– Leading the Parade for the very first time were Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders. US actress / out lesbian Lily Tomlin was also out on the front lines.

– The Mardi Gras Parade was commentated by queers and queer allies including Australian Drag stars Miss Penny Tration, Tora Hymen & Candy Box. Also reporting from the sidelines was Olympian Matthew Mitcham, and various celebrities including Louie Spence, Charlotte Dawson & Ruby Rose. Ruby allegedly kept welling up with tears over all the bare-chested glittery Pride marching by. Aw.

– Entertainment was provided by US artists Alexis Jordan and Wynter Gordon. Apparently they were a hit. GUESS WHERE ELSE WYNTER GORDEN IS GONNA BE A BIG GAY HIT THIS YEAR?  That’s right, Girlbar’s Dinah Shore Weekend! You should come.

– Rihanna attended the Mardi Gras and reportedly ruffled some feather(boa)s by choosing not to perform. Apparently she “wasn’t feeling it,” or something. Ke$ha was also rumored to be at the party. There were no reports of either pop star making out with cute girls and/or each other on the night, which is where my interest in their attendance ends.

– Amanda F*cking Palmer was there too. I’m only mentioning it because she looked fierce.

– A few weeks ago, Christian Democrat Party candidate Peter Madden tried to ban the Mardi Gras because it “incited all kinds of lust, filth and moral depravity.” There’s always one, isn’t there. So it was nice to hear reports that John Madden, Peter’s less-ignorant brother, protested Peter’s views by marching in the Parade.

– During an interview with Mardi Gras Co-Chair Peter Urmson, Channel 10 morning news anchor Ron Wilson referred to the Mardi Gras as “disgusting.” I’m really quite shocked that this happened, anyone else?

Ron Wilson has released an apology/statement: “As a journalist my job is to present an issue from different perspectives. If anyone took offense at anything I said during the interview I apologise. I fully support the gay community in its campaign to promote the issue of gay marriage and I congratulate the gay and lesbian community on the success of Mardi Gras.”

– Have you been watching the new Australian lesbian reality web series, Generation L? We have. The girls were filming during Mardi Gras and promise to give you a little taste of their evening will be posted shortly. Keep an eye on the Generation L YouTube page.

 

83rd Annual Academy Awards Oscar Liveblog/Open Thread of Champions

Autostraddle is kind of like a possessive girlfriend in that we’re basically only liveblogging this because we don’t want you to go read some other website’s liveblog and then come home smelling like Portia.

The Oscar Awards are an annual ceremony where rich white people wear expensive clothing and hand each other giant gold statues in honor of who best allocated ten million dollars into the production of a film that year. They are named after my dog, Oscar, who I wanted to name Sparky.

You should vote for your favorite films over in our own special Autostraddle version of the Oscars — The Awskers. Okay let’s begin.

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4:00 PM PST: Who is this woman? She is on the red carpet. I looked her up. Her name is Robyn Murray. She is a veteran. She writes things on the internet and does spoken word poetry. Are we at the wrong event. I think she’s supposed to be here having Chex Mix with us and letting us touch her tattoos, instead she is at that Anne Hathaway thing, does anyone know why:

4:30 PM PST: Slight delay to talk with bcw’s roommates about how I got hit by a car on Friday. Good story, I’ll tell you about it sometime.

I want to discuss the PS 22 Chorus situation but can’t think of any jokes to make about it because it warmed my heart for real.

If swans came in “lilac,” they would look like Mila Kunis:

You guys look it’s Joey’s roommate from Dawson’s Creek. She’s stolen all of Joey’s cardigans and stuffed them up her skirt!

4:35 PM: HAHAHAHA ISN’T IT SO FUNNY HOW ACTRESSES DON’T EAT SO THEY CAN FIT INTO THEIR SILLY DRESSES! HAHAHAHAH! BRING FIG NEWTONS IN YOUR PURSE!

4:38 PM PST: This is Mother Ginger from The Nutcracker. She designed most of this year’s Red Carpet fashions:

4:48 PM:

bcw/marni: “I’ve been doing Oscars-themed crosswords all day, including one that required plays-on-words for every Best Picture nominee including The King’s PEACH and BLACKENED Swan.”

4:52 PM: Superlative abuse is running rampant on this red carpet.

Judge away:

5:00 PM:

I had no idea that James Franco was co-hosting. I no longer have to pretend to be excited about this show. Halle Berry is also rocking the Powerpuff:

5:03 PM:

Natalie Portman being pregnant: depressing for those of us who anticipated our own romantic liaisons with N-Po. Exciting for lovers of breasts. Her on-screen demeanor suggests: “I’m nauseous, I have a yeast infection, and I wish I was at home wearing sweatpants.”

5:05 PM:

Gwyneth Paltrow has arrived from Planet Xenu, flatiron intact –

That might not even be her, it might just be a hologram.

5:10 PM:

“Justin you don’t know this, but we have been tracking your path since you arrived on this red carpet,” says Tim Gunn. With breadcrumbs, I’m guessing.

5:15 pm:

“This is my first nomination while being married to Keith, so it’s special,” says Nicole Kidman. That’s code for “This is my first nomination not being married to a psychotic homosexual who’s in a billion-year contract with an alien cult.”

5:20 pm:

If Christian Bale wins, everyone knows it will really be an overdue Oscar for this epic performance:

5:40 pm:

This sort of feels like those two super-smart drama kids from fourth grade somehow won a reading contest and now are hosting The Oscars. I want to hold them and laugh at their jokes, but I also don’t want to encourage them.

And then they introduced their Moms. I swear you can’t make this stuff up.

5:45 pm:

“It’s been a great year for lesbians, not just in general but also in film,” says Anne Hathaway. This is relative, of course, to all of human history, which thus far had amounted to a steaming pile of dead Jenny.

*Alice in Wonderland wins for Best Art Direction!*

*Inception just won for something visual I believe. A guy named Willy Fister.*

5:56 PM:

This is just weird for me, I’m sorry. I said it.

5:58 PM:

Melissa Leo is having an orgasm on stage!

Melissa Leo wins Best Supporting Actress for The Fighter.

I feel like I’m at someone else’s Thanksgiving.

6:02 PM:

Is everyone on screen drunk? Or am I not drunk enough?

6:07 PM:

Let’s get this show on the road and get some smooth operators up here, right? How about Production Designers and Animators and shit? Yeah? I bet those guys will help pick up the pace!

*Toy Story wins for Best Animated Film!*

6:13 PM

I am still mad at Josh Brolin for killing Harvey Milk. You know?

On another note? I can’t believe that I don’t have a job but somebody got paid probably more than I’ll make all year to write the ‘jokes’ for this show.

6:15

AARON SORKIN WINS FOR THE WEST WING i mean FOR THE SOCIAL NETWORK!

*Aaron Sorkin (The Social Network) wins for Best Adapted Screenplay*

Sorkin calls back to Network. Someone is drumming downstairs and I’m mad as hell and probably can’t take it anymore.

6:18 pm

*David Seidler (The King’s Speech) wins for Best Screenplay*

Seidler makes some AARP jokes, the crowd is surprisingly receptive.

6:25 pm

Anne Hathaway is singing in a suit. In other words, if you watch this little bit on mute, it will be the best fashion magazine you’ve ever read. And then here comes James Franco in a dress. I’m going to let everyone else decide how this will impact THE FUTURE OF DRAG.

6:30 pm

IF I WANTED TO FEEL LIKE THIS I WOULD BE AT MOCK TRIAL. Here’s a word from kate Moennig, who as we all know is living in poverty which is why she is so skinny and Mrs. Carmen wants to feed her a sandwich.

6:35 PM:

Christian Bale and his facial hair win for NEWSIES!

*Christian Bale wins Best Supporting Actor for The Fighter*

He is using a strange accent and has somebody else’s beard on his face. I hate it when that happens.

6:40 PM:

me: what did nicole kidman win an oscar for?
marni: i don’t know — i think the hours?
me: oh yeah, that was a great movie.
marni: or maybe it was the one about virginia woolf?
me: that is the hours.
marni: oh i was thinking of the others!
asha: ME TOO

Best Original Score. The suspense never ends really. It’s like the Indiana Jones liveaction show at Universal Studios.

[Re: the director of Social Network, David Fincher]

6:50

If I had to spend the rest of my life watching Newsies‘ dance/music scenes, I would be happier than anyone who’s gonna win for Sound Editing tonight.

6:56 PM

Have they always given out this many technical awards at The Oscars? Or are we all just cogs in the machine, mindlessly watching year after year despite any memories of being entertained in years past?

7:00 PM

The guy in the music montage said “My Dad was going through heart surgery…” and Asha cracked up laughing.

me: i feel like randy newman is there every year.
marni:he actually doesn’t leave the theater, he just stays there year round.
asha: i would never get rid of my bunny.

7:05 PM

I’m so glad I live on the West Coast so that my ENTIRE night hasn’t been ruined.

7:18 PM

That YouTube viral video autotuned montage was the highlight of the awards so far?

7:20 PM

Is Oprah the only person present who knows how to address a crowd? Could she maybe give lessons to everyone else backstage?

7:22 PM

THANK YOU FOR KEEPING IT REAL, INSIDE JOB.

7:27 PM:
They’ve kept Billy Crystal on hand just in case anything goes wrong, thank Jesus.

Oh look what I found! This is James Franco getting ready backstage:

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7:40 PM

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7:41 PM

Leave it to the young ones to make a mockery of the mockery known as “The Academy Awards Script”

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7: 42 PM

Thank you someone has brought out Florence Welch, an ambassador from the land of “Skill and Ease”

OH GUESS WHO CALLED IT?

8:01 PM

Hillary Swank, you’ll always be Brandon Teena to me.

8: 13 PM

I’m not saying this to be a bitch, but how can you win if you don’t have real facial expressions.

8:16 PM

Natalie Portman wins for Black Swan. But also, really I feel, for Closer. She just said “this is INSANE” which is ableist.

8:20 PM

I have to level with you: I have stopped caring.

Facebook jokes are not funny.

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8:25 PM

Honestly still though the best part of the evening is James Franco. Just for being there. And being James Franco.

*Colin Firth – Best Actor – The King’s Speech*

8:30 PM

You guys The King’s Speech looks really boring, am I the only one who notices this?

8:35 PM

I have my money on The Social Network.

Okay The King’s Speech won. I thought the film of the year was supposed to speak to the people. Symbolically, not literally. I just turned off the teevee and now everyone is yelling at each other.

Raise your hand if The Kings Speech changed your life. That’s right. I bet I could learn to fly in this room.

8:40 PM

These children are exhausted! They fell asleep when the words “Colin Firth” were first uttered. Anyhow they’re going to save the show probs.