Autostraddle Calendar Girls 2012: Julie & Brandy are April, Stacee is May!

Happy April! Uhhh, I mean May! OR BOTH! Alright, we skipped a month. Some things happened, like Dinah Shore and you know how these things go, right? We have remorse… but also we have a TOTALLY AWESOME combined double-video for April/May, hand-crafted by the magical Kelli Griggs because we would never leave you hangin’ gurl.

Now that I got you all hot and sweaty, don’t skip down to the video just yet… here’s some stuff you need to know:

You can buy our 2011 calendar for $15.
Also, if you missed any previous posts/videos:
Kelli & Ashley are January/February and
Luna & Michelle are March.

Some background: this is Round Three of Autostraddle’s Lesbian Calendar Girls: talented, smart, charismatic, geeky and really-really-good-looking lesbianisty ladies. We make this calendar for you because you all really need to cut it out with your crushes on straight girls, this shit is out of hand, the last thing you need is 12 months of whatever Maxim & FHM come up with. REAL LIVE LESBIANS!

This year we’re going to give you a video every month and just a few teases of what the actual photos will look like, so the Calendar will be chock-full of surprises. Are you excited? WE’RE EXCITED.

Our ladies of April and May are:

Brandy Howard [April]: Brandy Howard is the actress/model/writer who co-stars in the internet’s greatest webseries, “Julie and Brandy in Your Box Office” and the greatest movie never made, The Nicest Thing. In addition to her work as Ima Chickenwoman, the superheroine of Taco Bell’s Super Delicious Ingredient Force, Brandy has appeared in beer commercials for just about every brand of beer on the market. You may have also spotted her in film or TV appearances including Automatic, Just Shoot Me, Pandemic and Ditching Party.

Julie Goldman [April]: Julie Goldman is an actress/comedian/writer who co-stars in the internet’s greatest webseries, “Julie and Brandy in Your Box Office” and the greatest movie never made, The Nicest Thing. In addition to her work spreading offensive laughter to large groups of lesbians on cruise ships all around the globe, Julie Goldman starred in Logo’s groundbreaking mega-hit series, The Big Gay Sketch Show. Julie’s been on your screen doing stand-up on LOGO, VH1 and Comedy Central or doing acting in The Sopranos, Out at the Wedding and The D Word.

Stacee Coleman [May]: A music maven, Stacee has been a prominent radio disc jockey, a DJ (for MTV’s America’s Best Dance Crew no less), worked five years licensing songs, and continues to use her music publishing and licensing skills at her own company as the Vice President of Creative.

From top left to bottom right:
Stacee [May ’12] gets a little love from Jess [upcoming Sept ’12]; an awesome wall of records in the studio; Robin and a feline creature; Stacee [miss may!] hamming-it-up for the camera, our awesome film crew Kelli Griggs [Jan ’11] and Miss April ’11 Sarah Croce.

Here’s Robin & Sara to explain a bit more about this year’s theme:

The 2012 Autostraddle Calendar is our interpretation of the idea of a “lesbian image” without the traditional presentational definers of gender and sexual identity – when we (literally) strip away clothing, what do our naked selves communicate about who we are?

The 2011 calendar was about solo portraits of women who are brilliant, beautiful and courageous on and off camera; 2012 is about the amazing and vibrant community of queer women.

We sought to do something different this year by creating dramatic scenes and having the models interact with each other. We loved the idea of playing with identity in the form of masks, and the power that comes from choosing what to reveal and what to keep hidden.

Be prepared to see lots of skin this year in the 2012 calendar – but remember that it’s what we choose not to show that sometimes gives the most away.

We photographed a group of beautiful and diverse queer women both poolside and on various studio sets in Los Angeles. We’re excited for the monthly Behind the Scenes videos, where Autostraddlers can meet our sexy and inspiring calendar girls. (This being possible thanks to Videographer/Video Editor Kelli Griggs and Music Supervisor Stacee Coleman).

We hope you enjoy meeting the girls as much as we did!

Thanks to all of the amazing stylists, the production team members, and of course our brave and beautiful models.

We hope you love the results and look forward to purchasing your own 2012 calendar later this year in support of the project and of Autostraddle.com.

xoxo
Your devoted producers,
Robin & Sara
(Photographer & Stylist)

So here it is!
We present the Autostraddle Calendar Girl Behind-the-Scenes video for April and May:

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Special Note: As of December 2010, there will be no talking shit about anything in the comments on calendar girls posts. Direct concerns about the project or website as a whole can be directed to robin at autostraddle dot com or riese at autostraddle dot com.

Why? Well, we’re committed to making Autostraddle a safe place for progressive debate, but since you’re not allowed to say negative things about a woman’s body anywhere on this website, there’s really no on-topic argument to be had here. These girls are half-naked and gay, and they’re saying so on the internet in a public place, which is pretty fucking sweet — they’ve dealt with the same feelings of discrimination and difference that you have, been told that what their body wants is wrong. But everybody’s body is right. You are all beautiful, just some of you haven’t realized that yet.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, your comment will be deleted! SORRY!

xoxo the editors

VIDEO! Julie & Brandy in Your Box Office #201: Black Swan Did You Really Happen

Wow can you believe it? At last, the Season Two premiere of Julie Goldman and Brandy Howard In Your Box Office. In honor of the lesbo-vadge-rage inspired by Black Swan and a subsequent flare-up of aforementioned rage while reading Autostraddle’s post on The Oscars, in which many readers shared positive emotions about the film Black Swan, Julie Goldman and Brandy Howard have decided to open Season 2 with Black Swan, which Julie liked less than Avatar.

A quick refresher:

Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard are a sensational acting/writing duo trying to cause a sensation with their romantic-comedy, Nicest Thing.

But since no one wants to make their movie or cast them in anything, they feel it is their duty to harshly judge everyone else’s work based on a sliding scale of rage, bitterness, lesbianisim, and lack of any real significant training.

Are you ready? Do you have a big bowl of popcorn or a giant box of Crispix? I hope so. It’s time for the eleventh heart-stopping, stomach-pounding episode of the internet sensation and world-famous comedy extravaganza, Brandy Howard & Julie Goldman in your box office! Review edited by Riese, Re-enactment edited by J/B.

(For the best viewing experience, select “720p”)

VIDEO – Autostraddle Behind-the-Scenes #5: Julie & Brandy Have Tyra Mail For Nacho

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Some pet owners teach their puppies to fetch things, or jump, or sing gospel music. Some pet owners teach their puppy to respond when Tyra Mail arrives.

VIDEO: Julie & Brandy in Your Box Office: The Sh*t You Didn’t See

Julie & Brandy are hard at work on the first episode of Julie & Brandy in Your Box Office Season Two but in the meantime in between time, Riese has edited together a little something to bring us all back to the glory days we recall as “Julie & Brandy in Your Box Office: Season One.”

Bloopers! Unaired footage! Clips from an entire episode that never quite got finished because we decided the story of how Jack Abramoff stole all our money was too depressing! Falling! Laughter! Rabid manhaters! Bathroom humor! Justin Bieber! Very well-edited montages set to popular music! Nonstop LOL’s from beginning to end!

Here’s the deal in case you’ve forgotten:

Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard are a sensational acting/writing duo trying to cause a sensation with their romantic-comedy, Nicest Thing.

But since no one wants to make their movie or cast them in anything, they feel it is their duty to harshly judge everyone else’s work based on a sliding scale of rage, bitterness, lesbianisim, and lack of any real significant training.

Are you ready? I kinda think you’re not necessarily ready. But here goes!

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Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard in Your Box Office Season One: The Sh*t You Didn’t See

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Tinkerbell’s Team Pick: Nacho Loves Mazzy Star

Hello Autostraddle. In response to the bipedalism I feel oppression from on this website which does not represent my identities I would like to share a video starring a dog. I am also a dog, but I am learning to type, like the gorillas. I enjoy this video starring Nacho who is the great-granddaughter of Brandy Howard and also Julie Goldman. If you do not watch the video then I don’t know what to say for you but I have a mini-reese’s-cup in my purse pouch because I used to be a purse. I also enjoy Mazzy Star and wish Riese’s friend Lorn Merril hadn’t stolen Riese’s Mazzy Star CD from Riese in 1995 and never gave it back all the while claiming to have never stolen it in the first place. Fade into THIS.

Also this is a beer commercial starring Brandy Howard.

What the F*ck Are You Eating?

Disclaimer: Brandy Howard is an actress and writer, best known for her work as “the hot girl” in commercials for beers including Coors Light, Miller Light and Bud Light. She is not a medical professional or a scientist, although she is in Mensa. Per ushe, the opinions, beliefs & viewpoints expressed by the various authors on this website do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of Autostraddle.com ‘as a whole. Also, we joke around a lot.

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Three days ago, I was sitting on my couch eating Oreos and watching Family Guy when my dermatologist ruined my life.

I was multitasking an Oreo and sifting through my mail, when I came across a newsletter from Lisa Benest, M.D. It was a glossy, botox-filled pamphlet, featuring extreme close-ups of beautiful women with no pores and no problems. The front page said, “Would you choose GM food if given a choice?”

And life, as I knew it, was over.

Life-ruining news is like great gossip: it must be shared immediately, and with as many people as possible. So here I am, and here’s the deal: GM stands for Genetically Modified.

When I hear the words “genetically modified,” I think of cloning sheep and test tube babies and stem cell research and chromosomes and how the curly hair gene is dominant over the straight hair gene and I wish they could find a way to modify that before I procreate. But this is not about people, or animals. It’s about corn. And soybeans.

According to the article, in the mid-90s, sharecroppers and scientists got together and created a special super-hero gene that they injected into the DNA of corn and soybeans in order to grow super-hero crops. With this modified DNA, the crops were able to withstand large amounts of deadly pesticides.

Despite the obvious problems with making food immune to being slathered with the harshest, most toxic of chemicals, the Clinton administration launched an expensive propaganda campaign convincing the country that these super-hero crops were awesome because they would put us on the fast track to ending world hunger.

We, the people, voted (well, probably not any of us since were all watching Life Goes On and the OJ trial and were too young to vote), and boom! Here we are. More than half the food in the grocery store contains GM derivatives, world hunger is at an all time high, and there’s a laundry list of disorders linked to consuming GM foods (including but not limited to autism and infertility).

The whole thing is extremely disturbing and I decided to scan the newsletter and let you guys read about it for yourselves. If Riese/Laneia/Rachel/Taylor were writing this they’d be witty and smart and they would dissect the newsletter and put it into relatable lesbian terminology and wrap it up neatly at the end. I, however, am too lazy and have no skillz (except numchucks and bowhunting).

All I know is this: all the food you buy needs to say CERTIFIED ORGANIC or the baby that you’ll never have will be autistic and you’ll always be gassy cuz of all the bacteria growing in your stomach with superstrong DNA. Being gassy all the time SUCKS (and I know this firsthand). It’s totes inconvenient and not sexy. The same goes for infertility.

Here’s the Newsletter. READ IT NOW!

HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?????

Last night I decided to make brownies (after I realized I’d eaten all the Oreos), but I looked on the back of the Vegetable Oil and found out it’s made from soybeans. I had the generic Vons vegetable oil and it was definitely not Certified Organic. It wasn’t even fake organic.

I had my first cooking dilemma: do I pop over to Trader Joes and get non-GM vegetable oil?

Do I just use what I have?

Or, do I just skip making brownies all together?

Fuck that. I already had the brownie mix, and once it’s in your head, there’s no going back. In the end, my laziness won and I used the bad oil. I had already eaten a bag of Doritos anyway, and there was no way those were made with organic corn. The brownies didn’t taste as good as they usually do, though. Something seemed.. altered, and it wasn’t just the oil — it was my awareness.

VIDEO! Julie & Brandy at the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival: The Lost Footage

Last summer, somebody told Brandy Howard that the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival featured a lot of chicks with their tits out and so Brandy Howard asked Julie Goldman if maybe just maybe she could get a gig at Michfest so Brandy could see “the titties” for herself.

Unfortunately, Julie told Brandy, Michfest is one of many fine lesbionic venues where Julie Goldman had offended some uptight PC lesbian at some point and therefore was no longer welcome. But whatever, Julie said, I’ll fucking call them because you know, when Brandy Howard asks you to do something, you f*cking do it.

Lo and behold, Julie was offered a spot at Michfest!  Therefore, despite Julie’s aversion to sleeping in a thing that is not a hotel, the duo set off for a fun weekend in the wilderness.

Autostraddle’s default video editor Riese was about 24 hours away from finishing the masterpiece film of Julie & Brandy at Michfest when her computer, which was invented by a man, decided to totally fuck her up the ass and make her lose everything long story.

But Julie and Brandy knew they had a story that needed to be told, especially because cameras aren’t really allowed there and even as the event faded into herstory, the story STILL NEEDED TO BE TOLD. For closure. You guys, closure is important. That’s right, Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard edited this motherfucker themselves.

Join us on our pioneering journey.

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It Gets Better: 23 Lesbians, 10 Animals, 2 Children, 1 Message (#itgetsbetter)

Unless you’ve been living under a rock (we’re not judging if you do, it happens), you probably know about Dan Savage’s It Gets Better Project, which enlists homos to speak to youths via YouTube about how high school is a battlefield for your heart. Celebrities with shiny hair tell schoolchildren about how much better things are when you have a hit record and bang hot lesbo-chicks all day. In between those vids, you can hear real stories from normal not-fancy human gays all over the world. You might cry a little.

You probably wondered, where’s Autostraddle’s video, are they too busy reading editorials of the It Gets Better project to actually get better? Nah. We just needed it to be special and wanted a big complicated project to ensure a constantly haphazard publication schedule.

“Why are we waiting for permission to talk to these kids? We have the ability to talk directly to them right now. We don’t have to wait for permission to let them know that it gets better. We can reach these kids.”

We enlisted the worldwide troops for this one. However we can’t figure out how to get it on their site I keep getting an error message help.

The It Gets Better project requires you to put your location in the title. We can’t fit it all in there, so how’s this… (location is where the video was shot)

Starring:

DJ Carlytron & Photographer Robin Roemer (Autofocus) — Queens, NY

Actress Sarah Croce (Miss April) & AS Design Director Alex Vega — On the Road somewhere between New York and California (two bois, one road)

Celesbian Nat Garcia (Autonatic, More to L) & her dogs — Los Angeles, CA

Comedians Gloria Bigelow & Dalila Ali Rajah (Cherry Bomb TV) — Los Angeles, CA

Actress Julia Osen Averill (Miss February) — Brooklyn, NY

AS Intern Elizabeth — Chicago, IL

AS Intern Daphne Duck — Belgium

AS Intern Lily (College Lesbianage) — New York, NY

Tech Blogger Morgan — Boston, MA

Technostraddle Editor-in-Chief Taylor and Video Assistant Kelsey — Oakland, CA

Nicole Pacent (Miss June, Anyone But Me) & Jenn Klein — Los Angeles, CA

Vikki (Up Popped a Fox) and her cute family — Minneapolis, MN

Editor-in-Chief Riese Bernard & Managing Editor Sarah F. P. — Ann Arbor, MI

Actress Haviland Stillwell — West Hollywood, CA

Comediennes/actresses/executives Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard (In Your Box Office) — Los Angeles, CA

VIDEO: “Julie Goldman and Brandy Howard In Your Box Office” Season TWO Trailer!!!

Autostraddle’s original groundbreaking smash hit almost-award-winning series, Julie and Brandy: In Your Box Office, is back and better than ever! Don’t miss the premier of Julie and Brandy: In Your Box Office Season Two!

“When I heard there was going to be a Season Two of Julie and Brandy: In Your Box Office, it made me want to get a tattoo of Julie and Brandy’s faces. Preferably on my lower back or possibly inner thigh.”
– Rachel K., Autostraddle.com

When one season of Julie and Brandy: In Your Box Office just isn’t enough, two seasons will surely feel like more! Julie and Brandy: In Your Box Office Season Two is vacuum-packed to seal in the freshness! Don’t miss this year’s hottest ticket to laugh-out-loud fun times!

“Julie and Brandy provide more than a laugh a minute. They actually provide several laughs in the span of a minute. Sometimes three or four, sometimes 60 individual laughs, which is actually one laugh per second. They take video to a new, laugh-filled, groundbreaking level of executive lesbian realness with a bit of intergallactic glam pop thrown in there for kicks.”
– Riese B., Autostraddle.com

Brandy Howard in the shower!

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Julie Goldman in a mustache!

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Nacho and friends!

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What’s more outrageously hilarious than two girls in Hollywood trying to get their dreams made? Trying to get their movie done? Season two of Julie and Brandy: In Your Box Office is executive lesbian realness like you’ve never seen before! You thought Sex and the City 2 was good? You liked Hot Tub Time Machine?! You will like these things and more, masterbrain!

“Season two of Julie and Brandy: In Your Box Office is the second season! I’m going to watch it on my computer!”
-Laneia M., Autostraddle.com

Check out the trailer for Julie and Brandy: In Your Box Office Season Two, created by none other than Julie and Brandy themselves!

VIDEO! The Real L Word Parody PART ONE: Looking Back, Casting a Spell on Your Box

Hi! Back in August, just when I’d begun eagerly anticipating the conclusion of The Real L Word season, looking forward to at least 2-3 weeks of consistent sleeping, socializing, novel reading and strap-on shopping, Executive Editor Laneia and Miss April Sarah Croce decided that Autostraddle was obligated by some higher power to produce a Real L Word parody video.

I said ABSOLUTELY NOT and a month later, here we are!

This is probably how the cast of Saturday Night Live felt week after week of parodying the Bush Administration. I accept that the evidence regarding my hatred for this show is no longer in my favor, despite my deep inner peace with my true feelings. But then Robin made me pee in my pants and I stopped caring either way. The scary part was how easy it was to cast this thing.

Unfortunately for everyone except me and Carly, who had watched the show weekly for the recaps, nobody else in the cast had seen a single episode of The Real L Word. So they had to go do that, which resulted in some very depressed gchats.

You’ve seen the preview. You thought it was funny. You will also think this is funny.

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The New York City cast of this video were filmed by two real lesbians, Millie and Jenn of Onyxrai Productions, and produced by Autostraddle.com and Geek Goddess Productions. The Los Angeles segments (Ilene & EZier Girl and Stamie & Tracy) were filmed by a tripod and Stamie’s nanny, respectively.

Conceptualized by: Executive Editor Laneia, Senior Editor Jess R., Sarah H. and Sarah Croce

Edited by: Riese

Ilene Chaiken; Julie Goldman of In Your Box Office With Julie & Brandy
EZ-ier Girl: Brandy Howard of In Your Box Office With Julie & Brandy

Rose: Miss January Jennifer Nieves
Nat: Music Blogger Stef Schwartz

Whitney: Miss April Sarah Croce
Tor: Design Director Alex Vega
Sara: Design Director Alex Vega
Romi: Design Director Alex Vega

Nikki: Editor-in-Chief Riese
Jill: Miss February Julia

Tracy: Haviland Stillwell of the Haviland & Riese Vlogs
Stamie: Stamie Karakasidis of Our Fifteen Minutes

Mikey: DJ Carlytron
Raquel: Photoblogger Robin Roemer

And also, we have some behind-the-scenes photos for funsies:

Team Pick: Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard Big Gay Pimping

Julie Goldman (“the lezziest lez of them all”) & Brandy Howard (“actress, starlet, snarky person, bitch, drug addict, alcoholic”) of In Your Box Office on Autostraddle.com and The Nicest Thing appeared on a special Pussy Power Hour of the Gay Pimp Podcast with Jonny McGovern. Topics include Brandy roping Julie into getting lasered in her private parts, vaginal discharge, The Real L Word, Julie & Brandy’s workouts at Bally’s, and their big gay trip to the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival that they went on despite Julie’s protests — and where they made diagrams of all the different boobs they saw!  It’s a sneak peak at the awesomeness that awaits you in the Julie & Brandy In Your Box Office Michfest Special, which I hope to edit before Halloween.

LISTEN TO THE GAY PIMP PODCAST!

Also, Julie Goldman will be performing with Stamie of The Real L Word TONIGHT in Los Angeles at M Bar and you must make reservations!

VIDEO: Julie Goldman & Brandy Infiltrate VH1, ‘Do Something’ With Jane Lynch

Remember when Julie Goldman & Jane Lynch totally obliviated previously unscaled mountains of awesome at the Vh1 2010 DO SOMETHING Awards with their fantastically co-written song “Do Something”? You should probs check it out right now. (more…)

The Kids Are All Right: Lesbian Executive Realness in Fists

Alright kids (see how we did that!) — you can all stop your endless trolling of Jezebel, AfterElton, Salon, Out, The Advocate, etc. because the final word in angry gay movie reviews is here…

Julie & Brandy: In Your Box Office give THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
a very serious, non-frivolous TWO FISTS!!

We love this movie so much that we decided to skip the re-enactment and put on our monocles and thinking caps and take fingers to laptop a la Roger Ebert (post mouth surgery).

First things first: The Pink Elephant Cock in the room!

We won’t bother you with a spoiler alert because by now, you all must have heard that one of the lesbians in the movie sleeps with a man. In a nutsack (see how we did that!), Annette Benning and Julianne Moore play rich, cool lesbos living in L.A. who’ve been married for a million years, when one of their annoying precocious teenage kids contacts the sperm donor they used to make said kid. The sperm donor is played by Mark Ruffalo who looks pretty hot and is just about the ONLY man who could’ve played this part (besides Johnny Depp or Barack Obama) because he has the special ability to seem gentle and sexy even to lesbians.

Why would he need to seem gentle and sexy to lesbians, you ask?
Because Julianne Moore’s character ends up fucking him. Five thousand times.

Let’s not sugarcoat it: it was weird, it made us uncomfortable, it didn’t make sense, and it wasn’t realistic. However, seeing the lesbian Julianne Moore have sex with Mark Ruffalo was a lot less offensive then reading that Lisa Cholodenko said, “I was much more interested in reaching out to the male population than I was concerned about alienating a sector of the lesbian population.”+

(Dear Lisa,
While you were busy reaching out (pandering) to the male community, you didn’t just alienate a small section of the lesbian community — you actually disvalued women, in general, as a viable ecomonic marketplace. It’s a shame that the one voice in gay/female filmmaking being distributed on a large scale had to become a cog in the wheel rather than a conduit for change. Reading your quote made us feel almost as bad about being women as Sex and the City 2. Okay well that’s going a bit far.

That being said, we loved your movie and are dying to work with you. Call us! We wrote a lesbian romantic comedy and we want you to direct it.

Love Always,
Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard)

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Despite the pink elephant cock in the room, we still loved this movie. We understand selling out and plan on doing it the first chance we get. Someone please! Just give us a chance!

You can go and read all the other reviews (if you want a real review), but it’s worth the risk of being redundant to say- this movie was genius. The writing was charming and poignant, the directing was thoughtful without being heavy-handed, and the acting.. wow. The fucking acting. They were all great, but Annette Benning was giving ACTOR’S STUDIO LESBIAN EXECUTIVE REALNESS. That bitch stole every scene. All she needed was her lesbian mom jeans and a glass of wine and she had us at hello.

Say what you will about Lisa Cholodenko, but she and co-writer Stuart Blumberg deserve some major Kudos (the good kind with the chocolate chips) for writing these incredible female characters. It’s literally the first time anyone has brought women to the silver screen in this way. Not since Marlene Deitrich wore a tuxedo and kissed another woman on the lips in the film, “Morocco” in 1930, has a film absolutely redefined the female protagonist archetype. For all the lesbians, and straight-lady “tops” out there — this one’s for you. YOU MUST SEE THIS MOVIE.

We aren’t saying that this movie is without flaws. They are there, but they are worth overlooking. Was it annoying seeing a lesbian have sex with a man? Fuck yeah. But not more annoying than having to say that this is THE BEST lesbian movie ever made (to date) — when we wrote the best lesbian movie ever written, but no one will make it.

What movie, you ask? Oh. Well, let us tell you… www.nicestthingthemovie.com

VIDEO: No Homo Jokes: PSA by “Julie & Brandy in Your Box Office”

Everyone knows that Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard are some dirty-ass bitches, but that doesn’t mean they never get offended!  Though it’s true that Julie & Brandy are almost constantly offended by how much better Nicest Thing is than Avatar considering Avatar’s box office success and Nicest Thing’s relative incompleteness, they think most joke topics are totally acceptable, including rape and old people. However, Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard saw Hot Tub Time Machine, and now Julie has a thing or two to say about homo jokes in movies, and you probably wanna hear it!

Also the next episode of Julie & Brandy in Your Box Office will debut Monday, April 26, right here on Autostraddle.com.

(more…)

Live-Blogging Dinah Shore Weekend Part III: Julie & Brandy vs. The Lesbians

Hello lesbos and lesbo allies! Welcome to the 2010 Autostraddle Dinah Shore Weekend LIVEBLOG, taking place in Palm Springs from April 1st to April 5th.

We’re splitting our live-blogging by days.

Here’s our Thursday April 1 post and

our Friday April 2 post at Dinah.

Check back here often, as we’ll be constantly updating this page with plenty of pictures, reportage, tweets, and general nonsense from the Auto-Team here in Palm Springs: Riese, Alex, Brooke, Nat Garcia, Laneia, Sarah, Jess, Tess, Taylor and Kelsey.

We did this last year, but it was only Alex by her lonesome self creaming her pants over lesbians and Lady Gaga.

In case you missed our Official “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Dinah Shore” Guide, here is the map of Palm Springs that sum up the weekend events:

Club Skirts events shown in magenta.

GirlBar events shown in light blue.

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Saturday April 3rd, 2010 at Dinah Shore Weekend:

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11:32 PM I’m sorry, I need to interrupt this broadcast for a special announcement: Katy Perry just came on my TV to try to sell me Proactiv? And saying that she’s a “free spirit?” What the fuck? I should be able to put myself on a federal “no Katy Perry list” the same way I can put myself on a no-call list. What is the opposite of buying Proactiv? I’m going to go do it right now.

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11:25 PM As someone who actually watched a good 20 minutes of the Oscars this year, I can say that the Club Skirts red carpet is 1 for 1. All I need is for someone to cry and thank God and the gays and I’ll be set. Also um Julie and Brandy are HAWT

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11:20 PM Ohmigod. GIRL.

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11:03 PM Riese and Julie on the red carpet! Where does the red carpet go? EDIT Oh this is the Club Skirts Hollywood Party! That makes a lot of sense actually. Sometimes I get pictures before I get told what the event is that is being photographed? My life is really hard, guys. I like Riese’s shoes a lot though! Girl!

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10:55 PM Let’s take a vote in the comments; how drunk do you think the team is right now on a scale of 1 to drunk? In other news, I made myself some hot cocoa.

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10:37 PM Riese says “this weekend has been a lot more like an episode of Skins than I expected. Except for death.” I hope that means that a lot of cute girls got to have sex with other cute girls in the supply closets of military academies. That’s what she means, right?

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10:19 PM Oh heyyyyyyyyyy remember like three hours ago when Taylor met some girl with a snake? I had maybe not taken that real seriously and pictured perhaps a stuffed snake, or a prank pop-out-of-a-can snake or something. Basically I had not assumed that was a real snake. GUESS WHAT I WAS WRONG

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9:51 PM Sarah: Alex is doing the bad romance dance for us.

#obviously #ughwhyaminotthere

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9:44 PM Sarah:Everyone is coming back to the room to drink and get ready for the night!

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9:40 PM Did you know that Salt n Pepa is tonight? It is! Kind of like how Ke$ha was last night but we have so far heard nothing about Ke$ha. Did anyone even go to that? I mean, she’s a very big deal you guys. Maybe she wore another “Indian” costume and the entire rest of the internet is blowing up about it and we missed it. ANYWAYS I found a Salt n Pepa youtube video for you. You’re welcome.

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9:16 PM I’m crossing my fingers for you, ladies

9:11 PM Hey look a picture of Jennifer Coolidge! She’s performing at the HRC fundraiser! I think she was in Best of Show, right? I really liked that movie. Anyways!

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9:04 PM Sooo, just to recap: Half the team is drinking and LOLing at Jennifer Coolidge at the HRC fundraiser, and the other half is drinking and having fun at an unnamed but cute-looking bar/restaurant. In contrast, I am watching a Quilted Northern commercial and thinking about microwaving my cup of tea because it’s gone cold. Oh hey, Starship Troopers just came on! In short, I think the rest of the autoteam is maybe getting the better half of this deal.

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8:58 PM I think we’re inside now! #pretty

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8:47 PM Saturday Night Um you guys the Club Skirts Hollywood Party is turning into like an actual red carpet. I am impressed! There’s Grace Chu in the white blazer!

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8:38 PM Oh Brooke wants credit for her red carpet pictures. YOU GUYS ALL THE RED CARPET PICTURES WERE TAKEN BY BROOKE, I think they look fabulous for real

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8:34 PM Um sorry for the really embarrassing WordPress disaster! Sometimes you go to Dinah with everyone with even a basic understanding of how to run an online magazine and leave some girl in charge who was an intern as of like two weeks ago, what can I say? We’re back now! I love you! Look I made you a drink! No I didn’t this is for me.

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8:32 PM HI GUYS we’re having a lot of really special WordPress Moments over here, and the old post is um broken. Read this one for the rest of the night! I bet there will be more photos of Brandy looking pretty!

8:29 PM I feel like no one is reading anymore, which is really too bad because I think the team just starting drinking and that means shit is about to get real

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8:28 PM Brooke: At the GirlBar HRC fundraiser with Riese, Alex, Julie and Brandy. Jennifer Coolidge is performing. And we are sitting in the back of the room like the cool kids we are.

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8:21 PM Sarah: We are eating dinner and hanging out and talking before we see SALT AND PEPA We’re out at a restaurant instead of the hotel!

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7:58 PM Have no idea where anyone is. I may just start live-blogging my RSS feed.

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7:41 PM WELL THEN

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7:33 PM Look! A cute picture of Tess and Nat! I don’t know where they are so I’m going to start making stuff up. They’re out at dinner celebrating how Nat and Julie and Brandy won every webseries award ever! Congratulations!

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7:22 PM Riese just sent me this picture. I am going to assume it was also from the webseries battle? How long is that lasting? Like, forever? Natalie is pretty.

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7:13 PM I am told that this is what the Autostraddle booth looked like this afternoon. Slash maybe still looks like now. Slash maybe the team has been abducted by aliens. And/or playing beer pong? Don’t you think this table would be great for beer pong? Slash beirut. We call it beirut here.

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6:58 PM Radio silence persists. Oh wait no, we just got a really choice quote from my favorite video editing assistant in the world Kelsey:

“Girls are fucking nuts. So much drama all the time. In the hall, in the bed…” -Kelsey

Thank you for that, Kelsey. We hope to hear more from you later.

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6:00 PM Sarah: Julie Goldman was all kinds of perfect when she introduced our web series. We have video for later!

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5:53 PM Let’s talk a little about this lesbian webseries battle, for those of you who are too lazy to click the link below. It’s hosted by Suzanne Westenhoefer for Club Skirts, which is obvs great, and features Anyone But Me, AutoNatic, Cherry Bomb, FEED, Girltrash, Insight, In Your Box Office, Seeking Simone, The Lovers & Friends Show, The Real Girl’s Guide to Everything Else, and We Have To Stop Now. Actually that’s mostly all I know. Are they actually competing for real at Dinah? Like do they have to race or fight or anything? I have no idea. Brooke sent some pictures though!

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5:34 PM SO! What went down while I was gone was um probably one of the top 3 most important things at Dinah, namely OneMoreLesbian’s Battle of the Lesbian Webseries. Because if there’s one thing lesbians love it’s webseries, and if there’s one thing Autostraddle loves it’s WINNING. Speaking of which, I am pretty sure we won something! I wish I knew what.

I’m just going to go ahead and assume that we won every award for lesbian webseries ever, and that this photo was why. Sexy hot hot hotness and JULIE GOLDMAN BOOB GRAB. You’re welcome.

The Lovers & Friends Show won the whole she-bang, which makes a lot of sense because they’re fantastic and incredibly talented. I don’t think they had Nat Garcia grab their tits though so really I would say we all walked away winners.

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5:31 PM Wow ok I was gone for a really long time! Sorry about that, but now I am fed and have a glass of wine and there’s a really good documentary on the History Channel about the Shroud of Turin, so I’m pretty much all set to make this liveblog the best ever. Get exciteddddddd

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5:28 PM HI okay I’m not really back yet BUT the Battle of the Lesbian Webseries with Club Skirts is going down right now and I just had to put up this picture, it is the most adorable thing. More soon!

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4:40 PM Um I think I need to eat dinner? I might be bad at blogging for a while, sorry, I will leave you with this, you’re welcome

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4:37 PM omg omg

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4:35 PM

Nat: Who was that girl earlier talking to the girl with the drugs? Was that tess?

Taylor: I don’t know?

Riese: It was Taylor.

Taylor: Okay, it was me. Look, I’m a sketchy-ass motherfucker, let’s just be straight about this right away. I am a sketchy. Ass. Motherfucker.

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4:20 PM We were not kidding about Brandy giving everyone a 10. Look, she’s giving me a 10 right now. Also you, you just scored a 10. Damn girl, Brandy thinks you’re fine! I feel so good about myself right now

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4:15 PM Who invented aviators? I feel like they should be paying us, no one else is ever going to rock them like this

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4:12 PM OH SHIT YOU GUYS get ready for #cutecity, it’s about to happen

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3:54 PM You guys, I’m crying. There are tears in my eyes. #desertstraddle2010 #iloveeveryone

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3:42 PM Bet you $20 that’s a water bottle full of whiskey

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3:30 PM “Oh my god, there’s the lady from the titty thing!” -Brandy Howard

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3:25 PM Actually this particular Ani album is great but a little too chilled-out, may have to switch to Little Plastic Castles. #twolittlegirls

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3:10 PM Okay, it’s getting kind of late in the day back in The Real World slash east coast where I am, and I would be lying if I said I did not want to take a nap. BUT I just put on my Ani playlist, so am anticipating a strong second wind. Get ready for it to get real fuckin’ gay in here. #totheteeth

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2:55 PM You guys. You guys, Laneia just sent me the most Dinah-esque photo. It’s like when Raven says “that’s so Raven,” except like “that’s so Dinah.” You could look at this endlessly and still find more layers of essential Dinah Shore-ness. Lesbians! Tattoos! Boardshorts! Banners with poor graphic design! #Beer! I think someone in the corner is crying b/c their current girlfriend’s ex’s best friend who is also their ex was in the wet t-shirt contest with another girl! Maybe if we look really hard SamRo will be in there, like lesbian Where’s Waldo! Thank you, Laneia!

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2:38 PM Riese and Julie share a moment of quiet reflection and beer.

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2:25 PM Alex: It’s me and Nicole Pacent from Anyone But Me!

Christ, I am officially the only gay girl in the entire world who is not in Palm Springs right now.

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2:16 PM Brooke: Me with Lezzie Lilly and her entourage at the GirlBar Wet&Wild Pool Party!

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2:10 PM FINALLY. Where you been girl? #tinkerbellstraddle2010

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1:39 PM #WETTSHIRTTWEETS

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1:34 PM You guys, Brandy’s just giving everyone a 10. I support this.

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1:20 PM GET IT GIRL

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1:13 PM I appreciate that ladies who are wearing bikinis instead of t-shirts aren’t barring themselves from participation

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1:10 PM Ahaha I just swallowed my tongue

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1:06 PM WHAT IS HAPPENING HGJTYOIUONPFF

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1:04 PM Laneia: This wet t-shirt contest is CRAZY

Um, YES, I would say that is true. YOU’RE NOT EVEN WEARING A TSHIRT OMG

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12:01 PM Oh hi there.

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12:57 PM GIRL. This shit is about to go DOWN.

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12:53 PM Brooke: I’ve managed to sneak myself into the DJ booth!

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12:44 PM EXECUTIVE LESBIAN REALNESS #DESERTSTRADDLE2010

I think the Club Skirts wet t-shirt contest is sooooooooonnnn, I feel it in my bones

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12:34 PM Oh man you guys you should delete that previous group photo that I know you secretly saved to your hard drive to keep forever and use this one instead, it has an extra special treat:

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11:20 AM Brooke wants to give a shoutout to reader Niyo who hooked her up with a free brunch at the Hyatt. Niyo I don’t know who you are but you are a beautiful human being

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12:09 PM I wonder if we get pictures of the wet t-shirt contest too? Am I allowed to put that on here? Cause just saying, CSI is on and I got a check for $17 from the federal government today, the only thing that could make it better is sunburned lesbian nipple. #desertstraddle2010

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12:03 PM Look! Julie and Brandy are on their way to judge the at the wet-shirt contest at the Club Skirts Cabana Girl Pool Party! I think this is super cute, I am even more excited about them than #mileystraddle. Also did you watch their new In Your Box Office yet? You should b/c it was magical

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11:40 AM Er also:

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11:30 AM We interrupt this Teen Choice Awards broadcast to bring you a special missive from our CEO of Ideas and total baller Riese, she said to paraphrase but I’m not going to b/c Riese is good at writing words:

Today is the Club Skirts wet t-shirt contest judged by Julie & Brandy. Last night we went to GirlBar’s White Party to see SamRo, unfortunately Lindsay did not follow her there, but every time she touched the turntables with her giant lesbian fingers, Laneia and I shivered a little inside from the hotness. Everyone from GirlBar was super sweet and awesome to us, and I got to touch Jennifer Coolidge’s butt! Brooke basically got us passes to events at both of the parties and I love it. Do I sound like product placement right now? I just want world peace, Rachel, that’s what I want.

Tonight we are moving everyone into the same hotel room so that our second room can be given to Julie & Brandy. Because this puts me, Laneia and her broken foot, Sarah, Alex, Taylor, Kelsey, Tess and Jess in the same room, we’ve decided that everyone has to be in an open relationhsip so we can all find different places to sleep.

I personally am excited for #desertstraddle2010 to be taken to its logical conclusion, #giantlesbianorgystraddle2010.

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11:11 AM Can we start a rumor that Miley Cyrus is at Dinah/in Palm Springs because she’s a lesbian? How old is she, like 15? That’s old enough to know. Will I get sued? Yes, probably, and lose my job. #mileystraddle2010

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10:55 AM Forget the rest of Dinah, I’m going to devote the rest of this liveblog to people’s Miley Cyrus reactions. It’s going to take all day to process this.

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10:48 AM OH SHIT Jess:OMG MILEY f*in CYRUS at Coffee Bean. At first I was distracted because Suzanne Westenhoefer was ALSO in our coffee line, but then shit got amazing when we saw Miley with her super gay assistant manhandling her morning coffee. Kelsey and I chased her down upon exiting the ‘Bean and explained that we needed a photo for our lesbian Dinah liveblog because let’s face it, this is fucking hilarious. Her gay assistant took this pic of Miley, Kelsey and I, instructing us: “1, 2, 3 say lesbos!”

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10:40 AM And so it begins:

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10:36 AM EST Jess: It’s 10am, everyone’s hung over, and 2 sporty spice women in GO

Magazine tank tops are jogging down N. Palm Canyon Way.

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10:28 AM – PALM SPRINGS TIME Alex: We are recovering. Slowly but surely. Julie and Brandy arrive today, and will be judging a wet t-shirt contest in about 2 hours or so.

1 PM EST Hellllooooooooo everybody! Did you sleep well? Are you hungover? We are. I wasn’t even drinking but I woke up with a sympathy headache. I kind of can’t believe the white party happened? Wheeee! Let’s do this!

VIDEO: Autio/Video Teaser of Autostraddle’s New Webseries

The future is f*cking bright, kids. I hope you’re wearing 1-5 pairs of sunglasses.

We have been keeping a big secret from you which involves our favorite comedian of all time doing a webseries for Autostraddle called Julie & Brandy in Your Box Office.

BUT! Also. also. also. Though we’ll be bringing you a FULL teaser for our new show AutoNatic (I know, we voted on Nat’s What She Said, but we do what the pretty girl tells us to do Nat was so cute about liking AutoNatic better that we had to submit to her desires, but we have serious plans for a Nat’s What She Said SPECIAL SEGMENT) very, very, very, soon…

…today we are going to bring you a very special teaser for all of our brand-new webseries! You know, like they do on Showtime and stuff. Right? We’re fancy!

We don’t want to say too much more. ‘Cause we want you to be surprised, and maybe have a party in your pants? Is that too much to ask? When was the last time you had a real party in your pants…?
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