Without “The People’s Couch” How Will We Know What Julie and Brandy Think of Criss Angel

Bravo has brought us some of the finest coverage of C-List celebrities I’ve ever seen. I should know, because I watched every episode of Don’t be Tardy featuring Kim Zolciak. You would think that this network, given what it’s chosen to continue airing, would continue to air The People’s Couch, Bravo’s latest series, which was on a limited run and ended far too soon. Even the good people of Television Without Pity liked it, and they watch television without pity. Aymie Telinski declared in The Northern Star, “Bravo should reupholster the short-lived “The People’s Couch” because viewers connected to the taped show-watchers…. I never realized how much of what I’m saying to the television others are also saying.”

The People’s Couch lets you watch incredibly funny people watching popular shows, and gives you their commentary as it’s all happening — it’s like getting to watch your favorite Autostraddle recapper in real time. Obviously it features In Your Box Office stars Julie Goldman and Brandy Howard, because they’re better at hilarious commentary on dubious media than anyone else on earth. The concept is brilliant. This American pasttime of slinging insults at stupid people on television is especially enjoyable when you can watch people who are funnier than you do the commenting. My best friend and I always wanted to be commentators on I Love the 90’s in high school, but I think it’s best for everybody involved that we never got an audition.

The commentators on TPC include best friends, roommates, sisters, couples and entire families. The stand-out commentators are Julie and Brandy, obvs. However, sisters Amanda and Kenya never fail to entertain, best friends and roommates Emerson, Scott and Blake deliver many gems and Reza from The Shahs of Sunset pulls through as a true wild card. Another favorite of mine was the Egbert family – mother, father and sons Sam and Jake make for a hilarious combination of opinions.

Bravo describes TPC as the show that goes “inside the homes of real Americans to get unfiltered reactions to this week’s buzziest shows.” I like to think that their comments were edited together to make it sound like all of these people are actually conversing with each other in the same room. I don’t know if Bravo did do this on purpose, but hey, I did:

Untold Stories of the ER

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wm90W6_Bxes

This episode was about a stripper who got a shoe shoved into her cheek, seemingly by another stripper who shows up in the hospital at the end. I tend to agree with commentator Jill Blanda when she says, “that’s not real!”

Girl with shoe in face: (shows panties) Want some of this? You’re gonna have to pay!
Brandy: She’s going to solicit sex in there?! “I’ll fuck you and give you a free lap dance!”
Girl with shoe in face: I have to get back to work, can you get this thing out of my face!?
Kenya: And she got an attitude!
Girl with shoe in face: (to a hospital employee) Well whatever you are, you’re cute!
Scott: That is a girl with a heel in her face and she is still trying to get herself a doctor. A-to-the-fuckin-men, girl!
Brandy: I’m going to be this girl for Halloween…. She should get nominated for an Emmy for this.
Girl with shoe in face: You just yanked it out? My bouncer at the club could have done that. I thought you would have operated or something!
Brandy: Yes, bitch! You could have pulled it out yourself at the strip club!
(The other stripper is there to get her shoe)
Kenya: I know this girl is not coming to the hospital looking for her other shoe!
Amanda: Girl, shoes cost money!

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition

First and foremost, you really need to hear Julie’s impression of Abby. Watch out for it at 2:17.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FB_PP98uhs0

Creativity points go to Jake Egbert for this observation:
Jake Egbert: Abby looks like a cranberry scone muffin.

Abby’s dance competition is essentially held in The Thunderdome:
Kenya: They’re cracking the whip on these kids! They’re sending these babies home!
Emerson: It’s Lord of the Flies with rhinestones and jazz hands.

Million Dollar Listing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l19_bi_I54A

Two realtors named Josh basically battle it out on this episode for the same business. When they meet on the show, the following comments ensue.

Jill Blanda: Uh oh! The two Joshes! Turn it up, Bob.
Brandy: We’re in dueling vests! We’re both named Josh!
Julie: They hate each other and it’s so good!
Emerson: I love the way they pretend to be nice to each other, “That’s a cute vest. I wanna cut you.”

(On an impending argument between the Joshes)
Emerson: They’re gonna rumble!
Scott: Or kiss.

(After one Josh smacks the other Josh)
Brandy: That was like Housewives style.

Criss Angel: BeLIEve

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7A4woinTIM

As he walks across a tightrope blindfolded:

Reza: I wouldn’t do that for all the hamburgers in… wherever the fuck.
Brandy: For how much money would you do this…
Julie: No.
Momma Egbert: He’s the fearless flier.
Sam Egbert: That’s the Trader Joe’s newspaper.

What? Bronies.

Do yourself a favor and watch this entire segment.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypFG0IJqeXk

Julie: Whaaaat?! Bronies? Who wrote this? My mom?
Reza: I don’t understand what’s happening yet.
Sam: It’s like bro plus pony because they’re guys that love My Little Pony.
Bradly-Redd daughter: I want to know if they’re watching My Little Pony with a bottle of lotion next to their beds.
Brandy: Even the My Little Pony telling us the story looks like a perv… I think you should go now. I want to watch My Little Pony alone.

And the award for the very best reality TV character’s name goes to Lyle Gilpatrick, loyal Pony watcher.

Lyle Gilpatrick: Before I watched the show, I was sad and lonely. When I did watch the show, it opened up to this huge community – because the community is so accepting.
Amanda: My Little Pony is saving lives!
Kenya: It really is. It’s surprising me. I’ve got to watch this.

Blake, Scott and Emerson: We cannot become bronies!
Emerson: I’m all for being gay, but that’s too gay.

Reza: Where are the ponies!?

Indeed, Reza. Where are the ponies? That is the question of our generation. It may be that if there’s enough demand for more TPC, Bravo will realize it’s in their best interest to bring it back into our lives. And for now, at least we got to see Julie and Brandy drinking wine and going HAM on some pizza on national television. The universe loves us, queers!

Christine Horvath is a bad bitch who refuses to sing the made up “So good’s” in “Sweet Caroline.” You can find her at www.bawdybynatureblog.com.

VIDEO TEASER: Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard’s 2nd Season of Dubious Advice-Giving On “Gay Street Therapy”

Ah, Dinah Shore. Laughing ladies in the surf, women splashing playfully at poolside, greasy lesbians in bikinis clawing at each others limbs in kiddie pools slathered in olive oil, go-go-dancers shaking their tiny butts to the thumping sounds of Top 40 pop, reality television stars dodging booms while pursuing drama… and Brandy Howard yelling at strangers about their boobs!

i had two of these oranges up her butthole last night!

Yup, this year Brandy Howard and Julie Goldman endured the pain and the pleasure of Dinah Shore in order to film the second season of the groundbreaking online television program Gay Street Therapy, which has yet to take place on an actual street. Just like their other new show, Roomies, you can catch Season 2 of GST on Tello/OneMoreLesbian. Here’s the description:

You (we) have problems. They (Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard) want to help you. Sort of. In this series, they tackle the toughest (and sexiest) lady lesbian problems with tact and finesse. Or something like that. The results are hilarious and highly inappropriate.

But what’s extra-exciting for everybody about Season Two of Gay Street Therapy is that unlike Season One, Season Two was edited by yours truly. (Me. I’m talking about myself. I edited it. I am the editor for Season Two.) (I didn’t film it or direct it or create it or anything, I just edited it. I’m just an editor. Like how bears are just bears.) So, while we all collectively wait for Julie and Brandy to return to the Box Office, you can chomp into this show!

Here’s a tiny trailer to tease your tits off about this therapeutic program:

New episodes will appear every Thursday on Tello, starting next week! I know Thursday’s already a big day for you because of Glee, and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D and Scandal and everything, but I think you can squeeze this in. Just like how you can squeeze a fist into a human being. It happens and it’s fun and everybody feels really good about it afterwards.

Julie and Brandy Play A Pretend Couple… in Their New Sitcom “Roomies”

If you frequent this website, you’re no stranger to the work of Julie Goldman and Brandy Howard. Goldman, network sitcom’s go-to lesbian dayplayer and Howard, the hottest person to ever be in hundreds of commercials, star in Tello’s new webseries, Roomies. The project is written by Julie Keck & Jessica King (I Hate Tommy Finch) and directed by Christin Mell. The series also features Caitlin Bergh, Abby Mcenany, Kelly Beeman, and Jim Bennet.

Best friends Sam and Alex, both recently single, have found the perfect apartment. But there’s a catch: they have to convince their neighbors that they’re a couple to keep it.

The premise is enough to hook you but Julie and Brandy’s chemistry will keep you watching. Their real life camaraderie shines through in every scene they have together and makes you go along with the tenuous premise because you just don’t want to get off the ride. There’s a lot of backstory we have yet to discover but what’s been revealed is rich enough to keep you entertained. Watching Julie and Brandy together in a scripted series is something we haven’t been treated to until now and it was well worth the wait. Roomies is a premium show on Tello so you need a subscription to see all the episodes. With the subscription you’ll also be treated to The Neighbors (and many other shows), an accompanying series meant to give you a deeper look into the frustrations of Sam and Alex.

Check out the show(s) and let us know what you think! Lesbian sitcoms to all, and to all a lesbian sitcom.

You Should Go: Lez Out This Friday with Julie and Brandy at Fubar

If you live in Los Angeles, you should be familiar with Fubar. It’s where we had a calendar girl party, it’s seen other lezzie parties come and go, and now it finds itself the esteemed homebase of the newest, flyest, Autostraddliest party in Los Angeles: Faggity Fridays.

Julie Goldman and Brandy Howard are hosting this monthly party that falls on the first Friday of every month. Brandy will be playing all the jams as DJ Sexo Pharmacia. But don’t get it twisted. She doesn’t take requests. She’s not that kind of DJ. If you’ve ever wanted to party with Julie and Brandy, then now is your chance. They’re not your usual party hosts, which you probably could have guessed. Faggity Fridays is the official after party for the Mikey and Teddy Comedy Hour.

So to reiterate, Friday August 2nd from 10pm-2am this Friday (and the first Friday of every month) at Fubar! No cover, no excuses.

Brittani’s Video Party: DeAnne Smith, Tig Notaro, and Ciara are Roomies

Greetings. This is Brittani’s Video Party, where I bring some of the “best” videos from all over my internet together so we can clap, cry or deconstruct. Have you ever gotten to a video and it already has 33 million views and you wonder where the heck have you been? Well I’m here to help you so that you see it when it only has 32 million views. Aim low, world. Aim low.

Header by Rory Midhani

Ciara has a new video for her curiously titled song, “I’m Out.” She is not, in fact, out. However, she and Nicki Minaj are wearing skin tight white body suits so it might be worth a minute of your time. The song is about getting over a break-up through the use of product placement. I wonder if this video is worthy of Rachel’s list.

Tig Notaro is filming a documentary for Showtime, longtime lover of lesbians. As part of the doc, she’ll be performing in the homes of her loyal fans. This video tells you a little bit more about the project and how you can get Tig to come to your house.

So the newspaper BEST NEWS OF YOUR PATHETIC LIFE just landed on my front door because the trailer for Julie and Brandy‘s new webseries, Roomies is here. In the show, their characters Sam and Alex pretend to be in a relationship which is what most of us do anyway?

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A CAT TRY TO PLAY A UKULELE. Well now’s your chance because DeAnne Smith has uploaded “Nerdy Love Song” to the tube of you and her kitten tries to play along. I am going to kidnap that cat and teach it the ways of the world because it is a perfect cat.

If you have a video you think everyone should see, tweet it to @bishilarious for consideration. And of course feel free to post your favorite videos from the week below.

How To Do Rad Butch Eyeliner: A Video Makeup Tutorial From Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard

A forward-thinking Autostraddle reader named Hazel Newlevant had a request on our Hot 100 post – “Can one of you queer geniuses do a tutorial for rad butch eyeliner like Abisha Uhl is wearing? I can never figure out how to make it look that good.”

Obviously we went straight to Brandy Howard and Julie Goldman to demonstrate this very important modern trend in makeup because Julie is always rocking it in their photo-shoots.

In this video tutorial, you’ll learn a cheap and easy way to smash gender and look really sexy doing it.

A-Camp May 2013 Recamp #1: Over The Mountain and Into The Woods We Go

Welcome to the first of four fantastic recaps of our experience at A-Camp 3.0, which took place 2.5 hours outside of Los Angeles at Alpine Meadows Camp atop a mountain in Angelus Oaks, California, from May 23rd-27th, 2013. These recamps serve to ease our collective separation anxiety, enable us to wax nostalgic over times gone by and provide prospective campers with a brilliant glimpse into the A-Camp Experience.

A-Camp was the genesis of an idea Riese had at 3AM in July 2010: the concept was to take the spirit of the website into three glorious dimensions and create an affordable vacation for queers for whom other lesbian-marketed vacations aren’t a perfect fit.  In April 2012, we did it for the first time— along with 160 campers and 35 staff members, we rented out a summer camp in its off-season and enjoyed a transformative weekend of fun, friendship, panels, workshops, classes, sports, entertainment, events and so forth. It was probably the most awesome experience of our life and we knew from there it would only get bigger and better — and it did, in September 2012!

Which brings us to May 2013, when our largest-ever group of campers arrived on the mountain, and were greeted by dedicated counselors and treated to four days of kickass programming. Swagger 101! Comedy Improv! Yoga! DIY Body Scrubs! Hop-Hop Dance! Kink Panel! Know Your Whiskey Tasting! Recess Games! Drag King Workshop! Femme Luncheon! Lilith Fair! Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard! DeAnne Smith! Somer Bingham! The cast of Unicorn Plan-It! Calendar Girls! Team Autostraddle! Most importantly: EACH OTHER! And So. Much. More.

In the past, these recamps have been exhaustive recollections of every minute of A-Camp, but this time we’re tightening it up a bit. See, A-Camp is whatever you want it to be — and it’s something different for everybody. You all have your own stories in your hearts and brains and cameras and in the notebook paper pieces in your back pockets and this is our story of what goes on behind-the-scenes and also in the front of our brains to make this whole she-bang come together with relative grace. Are you ready? I don’t think you’re ready. (Also, we miss you!)

A-Camp May 2013 Recamp #1: Pre-Camp & Day One

Monday, May 20th

The night before traveling to Los Angeles, a lengthy reply-all takes place as everybody panics and also worries about Gabby having bronchitis. 

Tuesday, May 21st: Pre-Pre-Camp

The day before Pre-Camp, the A-Camp staff makes its way to the campsite in Angelus Oaks, a mere 2.5 hours outside of Los Angeles. This involves locals driving in vehicles and foreigners traversing land and/or sea via air and landing at the Los Angeles Airport to be retrieved by an overpriced shuttle and taken up the mountain as a family or, for those arriving later in the day, via rented automobile. It is a joyous time of reunions and introductions.

LAX Space Station (photo by cee webster)

Riese Bernard, Editor-in-Chief & Runaways Counselor: Marni and I drove down to Los Angeles on Monday and stayed at Alex’s, and then drove to Angelus Oaks the next morning while Alex and Mary fought the epic battle of Boxes-Of-Hoodies vs. Car. As per ushe, I’d had to compact all five feet and ten inches of my body into a overhead-bin-friendly size in order to fit all our camp supplies into our economy-sized rental car, which included three bags where my legs would normally have rested. But once we began the mountainous ascent, my fixed-muscular-position-induced fibromyalgic pains faded and were replaced by this nervous anticipatory feeling of being back at Alpine Meadows! It’s so weird how much it feels like home. And I knew that in 24 hours it wouldn’t even seem like a big deal that all my best friends were a pebble’s throw away and in 48 hours there’d be 147 brand-new faces and 112 familiar faces right there with us!

Marni, Contributor & A-Camp Co-Director: Altitude aside, I feel so lucky that we’ve found Alpine to host A-Camp. Katie, the site’s Group Coordinator and erstwhile “lunch lady” has been nothing short of amazing in accommodating all of our weirdo requests (can we use your photocopier to make flyers for our afterparty at “Klub Deer”?), and the kitchen staff (who had only been recently installed on-site a week before we arrived) were champions in meeting our group’s exhaustive dietary needs. Even the housekeeping staff and groundskeepers ask me for camp t-shirts and tell me how excited they are to have us and how much they want us to come back. And for a group like ours – weirdo queers of all stripes – that kind of warm, welcoming, enthusiastic acceptance is really something.

Stef, Contributor & Bombshells Counselor: Katrina and I didn’t fly together, but we did go to the airport together, and in the process we were chased up the subway stairs by a very scary and very aggressive crackhead. Suffice to say, by the time we disembarked from our respective redeye flights, we were a little bit fried.

Rachel, Senior Editor & Slayers Counselor:  I was able to recognize Taylor immediately because she was the only person in LAX wearing Google Glass to drink lemonade in an airport bar. Kristen and Whitney were there too, and Kristen had thankfully brought several full-size bags of ketchup chips. God bless Canada.

“we all came from the far corners of the internet to play with our phones” (stef)

Stef: I want to talk about Ali, and the fact that Ali flew in a goddamn bowtie. She stepped off the plane looking like a million bucks. Like, I thought I was ahead of the game because I followed Lizz’s article about how to feel less disgusting after flying, but Ali took this to another level entirely. I was about to learn a lot of amazing things about Ali this trip, like the fact that she rises with the dawn each morning, beaming widely, looking fresh as a daisy and ready to greet the day, while I communicate exclusively in dinosaur noises before my morning coffee. I am obsessed with everyone on Autostraddle staff and every single camper, but currently I am obsessed with Ali the most.

Riese: Also Ali got stopped by airport security because they thought her binder was a bulletproof vest, which is horrible/hilarious.

carrie wheels katrina through the airport (photo by vanessa)

Carmen, Contributing Editor and Inferno Counselor: Geneva and I were coming from Los Angeles and expected to be on time, but a mixture of overpacking, last-minute camp cabin decoration shopping, and general inabilities to coordinate our time well led us to show up at LAX fifteen minutes later than our peers with a Quesadilla Maker (a gift for Brittani Nichols, of course) and a 12-pack of beer in tow using one of those Smarte Cartes (why the e’s?) to cling to our sanities and lives.

Lizz, Contributing Editor and Starjammers Counselor: I know it sounds lame to say “I had so much fun hanging out with everyone in the airport,” but it was just so good to see the staff. We were all exhausted and giddy that we ended up just shooting the shit for hours instead of doing typical airport things like listening to music or reading.

Stef: Because I was wearing a goddamn captain’s hat, somehow I ended up in charge of collecting all the staff members and putting them on a shuttle, and in this process I was able to shed the negativity that had literally chased me here and start getting pumped about what we were about to do. It was so exciting to slowly amass a giant group of Autostraddle staff, both returning counselors who I already knew I loved working with and the newer writers, who were all amazing in their own right.

Mey, Contributor & Slayers Counselor: I was totally starstruck… these are some of the people who helped to shape my queer identity. This is the website that I lurked on seemingly forever in order to get advice and find like-minded people when I was too scared to come out or couldn’t find queer lady friends in my hometown. And now I was sitting on a bus with them? Now I was getting hugs from them? This was too much.Meeting all these people and becoming a part of their community filled me with so much hope and love and warmth and brightness.

Lizz: Even the long drive up was fun. As we approached the mountain Ali started to get a little nervous about the huge death cliffs. Okay obviously I did too. I tried to tell Ali stories to make her feel better but the only ones I could access in my brain-space were scary ones about me and heights. We got there safely in the end though I suppose.

bitches on the bus (photo by stef)

Mary, Calendar Girl & Little Rascals Counselor: It took Alex about four hours to pack our car before we nabbed Brittani and drove up the mountain. By the time she was done, the vehicle looked like it belonged to a hoarder. Driving on the freeway in downtown LA with no way to check your blindspot? Priceless.

Riese: Robin and Carly got to camp right after we did and we were SUPER-EXCITED about the shuttle showing up with all the humans in it so we hid behind a tree for 20 minutes waiting to leap out from the woods and surprise everybody. It was super-exciting, and then I got to see all the people and also meet Mey and Cara and Kristen for the very first time! And later that night I’d meet Kate for the first time!

Mey: Here were Riese and Laneia, who had given me chances and encouragement to write for Autostraddle and share my feelings and experiences in a way that no one ever had. Here were Kristen and Lizz who wrote things that had helped me shape my identity and grow as a femme. There were Kate and Carmen and Hansen, whose columns I read all the time, and Whitney and Katrina whose articles I love (and everyone else I didn’t mention, it’s not that I don’t love you, I’m just running out of room to gush).

Sophia, Inferno Counselor: I was a hot mess Monday night, I didn’t have my flights in order or anything, I was sending nutty emails out like PRE-CAMP IS TOMORROW?? when my flight left in less than four hours. I missed my first flight out of Dulles, but managed to get on the next flight to LAX leaving seven hours later and arriving in the evening. It turned out to be very fortuitous as Kate missed their flight as well and we got to chill with “I’m in a black suit and know everything about LAX” Konstantin who gave us free snacks and showed us how to be truly indifferent while driving 60 mph up the mountainside.

Wednesday, May 22: Pre-Camp

The day before camp, the A-Team prepares for camp: we meet with our panel groups to finalize conversation topics, decorate cabins, prepare gift bags and workshop supplies, rehearse the opening ceremonies, participate in Being a Good Counselor 101, tour the grounds, make pigeonholes, and talk about our feelings.

kristen is cold in the morning photo by vanessa friedman

I. The Cool Clear Light Of Day

Hansen, Contributing Editor & Scissor Sisters Counselor: For some reason, every morning at 6:30am, Kristen and I would wake up without alarms, she’d look over the edge of her bunk to see me staring at her and then we’d quietly creep over to Wolf for coffee. Intern Grace and Crystal were usually there, too. One morning, Intern Grace insisted we watch T is for Twig. Don’t EVER watch T is for Twig.

Riese: This year Robin and Marni were super-serious about everybody completely planning out and being 100% ready for their workshops like a month before camp even began, which made pre-camp oddly… not stressful? Which’s an uncommon feeling amongst employees of Autostraddle.com.

Meredydd, Business Advisor & Golden Girls Counselor: There is always a moment during pre-camp when I look around and can’t believe that I am surrounded by such an amazing, diverse, dedicated bunch of staff. And that everyone is giving their whole selves to make sure camp is as good as it can be. It is inspiring.

staff full of love and hope

Mary: Co-counseling with Grace is my favorite everything. She is seriously one of the best people I know! We just love seeing everyone and learning about our campers. Also we decorated their cabin with baby shower decorations, including “Welcome Baby!” balloons. Grace let me use confetti and I love confetti!

Crystal, Music Editor & Toros Counselor: Carly and I were under the impression that we’d ordered one single inflatable cow to act as cabin mascot for the Toros cabin, so imagine our delight when we tore open the Amazon package and discovered an entire inflatable cow army inside. We’d only been on the mountain for 24 hours and I was genuinely concerned that my A-Camp experience had peaked.

carly outside the Toros (photo by crystal)

Riese: Prepping for the sex panel = talking to Lizz, Daniela and Ali about sex for an hour. I learned a lot about lube.

Taylor, Contributor & Vipers Counselor: I love everything about pigeonholes, from the fact that they are called pigeonholes to the full range of creepy to heartfelt messages (and objects!) that arrive in them to the ongoing saga of how to make them structurally sound. And making tiny notes for my cabin (VIPers!) during pre-camp gave me a great way to impress everyone with my Artistic Talents, by which I mean showing off a miniature watercolor set that I bought to make it look like I have Artistic Talents.

the pigeonholes generally look much better than they do in this particular picture

Riese: Vanessa followed Kate around for most of the afternoon making headlines out of their every move – Butch Writes On Her Laptop. Butch Eats Breakfast. Butch Sits On A Bench. Butch Eats An Egg Roll. For sure Kate found this HILARIOUS. (Seriously though, still waiting for Butch Bleeds, inspired by the altitude-inspired nosebleeds.) No but really we don’t know how else to express love besides this manner of joviality.

II. Butch Goes On A Solo Hike

starring: Kate

photo by kate

Kate, Contributing Editor & Tiger Beat Counselor: I’ve never been to the West Coast before, but I grew up in the Adirondacks and I was a hiker before I was a walker. Living in Philadelphia makes me miss the mountains more than anything, and being in the middle of California mountains? My heart just about jumped out of my chest. Actually, it literally did that too, since binder + high altitude + physical activity = continual lack of proper breath.

I heard about the lookout point and decided I would go find it myself. I need a lot of solo moments to regenerate myself when I’m in an intense situation. Since camp is one intense situation after another and I’d been there since Tuesday, I needed that regeneration by Wednesday. So, I took a hike. By myself. Which we explicitly told you not to do, and which I would explicitly advise you not to do.

I saw a lot of blue-bellied lizards. Y’all have lizards! With blue bellies! And birds I’ve never seen before, and trees I’ve never seen before, and my favorite thing about the very limited travel I’ve had is seeing things I’ve never seen before.

The lookout was stunning. I took a couple very deep breaths and had a moment to myself. And despite the fact that so much of camp was beautiful because there were amazing people around me, the moment in which me, myself, and I processed everything that was happening was so very worth it.

butch sticks her finger in a hot pink sparkly situation (photo by vanessa)

III. Ice Ice Baby

robin and marni practicing the opening night song

Brittani, Contributing Editor & Hellcats Counselor: In the weeks leading up to Camp, Stef jokingly tweeted about how many Smirnoff Ices she should bring to Camp. Since it’s been a dream of mine to unironically Ice people, I showed up with a variety pack. They were well worth the space it took up in Alex’s packed car might I add. It didn’t take long for me to ice Carmen which she fully appreciated because she knew it was a sign of affection.

Carmen: I got pinned to go first. I chugged valiantly on one knee in clashing patterns while Brittani lovingly chanted, “bros icing bros, bros icing bros…”

Brittani: Carrie also found herself iced before I eventually lost interest and decided it was too difficult. There was no way to predict who would walk through what door when, making it impossible to effectively ice anyone. I think Robin got iced the last day of camp with a Smirnoff I left in Julie and Brandy’s room but I missed it. Maybe next time with more people down for the cause, icing will make a comeback three years after its initial popularity.

brittani and carmen (photo by stef)

Riese: We capped off the evening with a fire circle in which everybody cried and shared their feelings about what Autostraddle meant to them, and it was intense and beautiful. Also: cold.

so many feelings

IV. Over the River and Through The Woods and Up The Mountain We Go

Crystal: Somer Bingham and DeAnne Smith joining us on the mountain late Wednesday was a definite highlight. I am the biggest fan of both these people, they’re just so funny and talented and chill! They showed up a little after midnight because Somer Bingham experienced a series of travel mishaps that I now feel could’ve only happened to Somer Bingham.

Riese: I’d rented a car in Somer’s name and she realized when she got to LGA that her drivers license was expired, but assured me she could “turn the 3 into an 8” by the time she landed in LAX.

DeAnne Smith, The Talent: Somer and I drove up the mountain in the dark, late at night, pretty sure we’d be murdered. When we arrived, we were greeted by Marni, who offered to park the car, carry bags, and give me lip balm. That was way better than dying, and only a tiny taste of all the goodness A-Camp and it’s amazing humans had yet to provide.

picture by deanne smith

Next: Our first day of actual camp!

Brittani’s Video Party: Taye Diggs Puts a Rainbow On It

Greetings. This is Brittani’s Video Party, where I bring some of the “best” videos from all over my internet together so we can clap, cry or deconstruct. Have you ever gotten to a video and it already has 33 million views and you wonder where the heck have you been? Well I’m here to help you so that you see it when it only has 32 million views. Aim low, world. Aim low.

Header by Rory Midhani

“Put a Rainbow On It“ is taking people to task for going all rainbow everything but not backing that up with any actions. If you didn’t gather from the title, it’s spoofing the popular Portlandia sketch, “Put a Bird On It“. The video aims to illuminate a few common contradictions about safe spaces and open up dialogue about what makes something a queer issue.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zrpxMI5gJg

Jonny McGovern has released the video for “Gayest of All Time” just in time for Pride Season. It’s fun, the song is catchy, and it’s super gay. What else could you want from a music video? Oh right, dancing Julie Goldman and Brandy Howard. Erickatoure Aviance, Linda James, and more of your favorite personalities from the Gay Pimpin’ Podcast make appearances in the video as well.

Oh, I’m sorry Netflix. Did you want to keep releasing amazing shows that I can watch at my leisure? Please, go ahead. July 11th, thirteen episodes of Netflix Original Series Orange is the New Black will be available for consumption. The show, from Weeds creator Jenji Kohan, is based on Piper Kerman’s memoir of a year spent in prison. This show is pretty much all ladies. There are a bunch of women of color. There’s even some gay stuff. I’m addicted already.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nryWkAaWjKg

I guess I’ll try to counterbalance the fact that for a show to have a notable amount of characters of color, it has to be set in prison with this hilarious video of Taye Diggs ruining hip hop. The Broadway, television, and film star pokes fun at himself (and the expectations of black males in the entertainment industry) with this comedy short. I think this is reason enough to make a spin-off about the rap career of his character from Malibu’s Most Wanted. But that’s just me. Word ’em up.

If you have a video you think everyone should see, tweet it to @bishilarious for consideration. And of course feel free to post your favorite videos from the week below.

Idol Worship: Ten(ish) Questions About Camp with Julie and Brandy

Welcome to Idol Worship, a biweekly devotional to whoever the fuck I’m into. This is a no-holds-barred lovefest for my favorite celebrities, rebels and biker chicks; women qualify for this column simply by changing my life and/or moving me deeply. This week I managed to get Julie and Brandy to answer some questions about camp for me as we all spent our last minutes at ground level, and it was sexy as fuck. Obviously.

Header by Rory Midhani

There are a few words that come to mind when one thinks of Julie Goldman and Brandy Howard. Some of you may think about the Hunger Games, Cloud Atlas, or any other movie shitty enough to be torn apart in their personal Box Office. Some of you may think, “damn how could two people on Earth be any hotter than those two?” But I will instead always wonder why they are so god damn nice.

They’re my favorites.

Julie and Brandy have given us all the pleasure of their company at the last two A-Camps, making rounds to talk to us and cover us in water (a lot of water). This A-Camp will be no different, with the two sexpots taking a spot among our star-studded lineup of talent (which technically doesn’t encompass one Brittani Nichols, but should, because that bitch is damn talented). Every camp, they fulfill their official duties of bringing Laughter and Lightness to the mountain, and every camp they fulfill their unofficial duties of ripping us out of our comfort zone, forcing us to laugh out of sheer terror and sexual desire and uncovering our greatest truths at Faggity Feud. (I have yet to forget about the time a random survey indicated that campers, as a whole, weren’t interested in threesomes. Y’all are weird.)

I also wait with expectant nerves to see whether or not Brandy gets blackout drunk on stage this year. I’m willing to gamble on this one.

julie & brandy hosting the talent show

Independently, Julie and Brandy each bring a touch of the Hollywood life to their mystic partnership. Julie Goldman, after all, is like a totally famous comedian in her own right who has been bringing executive lesbian realness to various parties, venues and unsuspecting family television screens for years. And Brandy is possibly the most adaptable commercial actress ever, playing a variety of roles that all involve shiny hair incredibly well. I know this because I once went through her video channel and watched every commercial she has ever been in. Even the Tropicana one.

But even though Julie and Brandy are stars in their own right, it’s fairly common greeting card knowledge that in life, it’s better together. And my lifelong principled liking of “chicks in twos” becomes further cemented with the various fruits of their partnership. Because though apart they may shine, together Julie and Brandy bring a warm glow to my entire life. Or maybe that’s the whiskey talking.

Julie and Brandy have been big pimpin’, giving advice to strangers as a career and getting deep into your box… office together for years now, and we all can’t get enough because we shouldn’t have to learn what enough is. There is no limit. The limit does not exist. At A-Camp that rule is generally applicable to everything from exposure to sunlight to exposure to other lesbians, though. But still. THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH JULIE OR BRANDY OR THE BOTH OF THEM COMBINED, THAT IS MY STORY I AM STICKING TO IT AND YOU CAN’T CHANGE WHO I AM.

And thus I asked Julie and Brandy ten-ish questions. About camp. For you! And for us all. And for my homies.

Here goes.

Idol Worship: Ten(ish) Questions with Julie and Brandy

**Questions answered by Brandy, with Julie half-ass contributing as she drinks coffee and watches American Dad.**

How did you two become such a dynamic duo? Can you tell me your shared life story?

We met on a gay Rosie Cruise in March 2008. Julie was there performing with Logo’s Big Gay Sketch Show and I went as a guest of my former frenemy Nicol Paone, who was also a castmember of BGSS. Julie and I hung out a lot on that cruise and we had a ton of laughs. At that time, she lived in New York and I lived in LA and when the cruise was over, we really missed each other. Without getting too corny or LEZimental, we inspired each other creatively at a time when we were both sort of in a rut. We really wanted to work together, so we met up on both coasts and started writing. Our first script was a feature length lesbian romantic comedy called Nicest Thing. Less than a year later, we wrote a gay zombie horror comedy called Gay Baby Army. As we tried to sell those, we were hit with the cold hard reality that gay movies were not the thing. We went through a brief (but intense) mourning period for the future we would never have as queer comic scribes, and then we sold out and wrote a straight sitcom starring all men. It’s about a guy who comes home from a tour of duty in Afghanistan and goes to work as a TSA agent at the airport. It’s called In*Security. And it never sold either.

Can y’all also tell me a little bit about what brought you to comedy and what brought you to Autostraddle? What keeps you around this neck of the woods? (Aside from the Whiskey.) (By “neck of the woods” I mean “lesbian Internet.”)

Julie wants me to say, “Nothing brings you to comedy. So to speak. You’re either there or you’re not.” I guess she means, we were always funny and attracted to funny people so that’s why we are here. And that it wasn’t necessarily a choice. We were born this way. Now she wants me to say, “YES BITCHES, BRANDY WAS BORN THAT WAY.”

As for Autostraddle, it was destined in the stars, because Riese WAS ALSO ON THE GAY ROSIE CRUISE where Julie and I met!!! (What are the effing chances?????) Legend has it that Riese saw Julie do stand up on that cruise and thought she was hilarious.org, so when they launched Autostraddle several months later, she talked to her fellow Autostraddle founders and they reached out to Julie to feature her on newborn Autostraddle. After that, Julie knew she wanted to work with them, and we knew we wanted to do something together. So we reached out to Alex and Riese and they suggested we do a movie review/re-enactment type of show. And that’s how Julie & Brandy: In Your Box Office was born. We film it together in LA and then we send the footage to Riese who edits it.

As far as this neck of the woods… We continue to hang around because we love working together and we love working with Riese. That’s honestly the reason. Julie and I (and Riese) all do other things with other people, but this is the only place where we can all work together. With no boss. We’d work in this threesome for the rest of our lives. If only we could make some paper, booboo.

Julie – what do you do to prepare for stand-up? What’s your work process like when you’re gearing up for a new show?

Julie’s first response to this question was, “I stress out for hours upon hours and smoke a million cigarettes.” I read your question again and then said, “Um, I think she might mean what’s your writing process.” So, then she thought about it for a minute and said, “Usually I am moved to write something that angers, annoys or embarrasses me. Once something like that happens, I write all my feelings down unedited. It’s pages and pages of feelings and opinions and revenge plans. These feelings and opinions bring up more questions which I answer with more feelings. Then I’m left with all these pages of ramblings which I edit down into a semblance of a funny story with a point.” Then after that, I’m gonna assume she smokes a million cigarettes to prepare to talk about it live in front of live people who are alive.

Who are some of the funniest people on the planet? Who are the people who always make you laugh? Who are the people funnier, even, THAN YOU TWO?

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say anyone who makes us laugh — we assume is funnier than us. Julie has a looser funny bone than I do. She can giggle for an hour straight just watching our dogs wrestle. She has the most infectious laugh in the entire world and she laughs all the time. That’s why I love being around her. I don’t laugh at much. I think lots of stuff that’s supposed to be funny is stupid. So, when I do laugh, I’m instantly a fan. A big fan.

My favorite (current) funny people are: Julie Goldman, Louis CK, Jonny McGovern, Amy Sedaris, Howard Stern, Katt Williams, Wendy Williams, Dane Cook, Maya Rudolph, Jack Black, Regina Hall, Leah Remini, Aidy Bryant, Michael K (from D-Listed) and Bevy Smith (from Fashion Queens on Bravo)

Julie’s favorite funny people are: Zach Galifinakis, Seth MacFarlane (only when he’s doing voices, not in real life), Michelle Balan, Jonny McGovern, Amy Sedaris, Wendy Williams, Jessica Kirson, Howard Stern, Mel Brooks, Jennifer Saunders, Eric Stonestreet, NeNe Leaks, Linda James, and Brandy Howard.

Conversely, please list the people you’re more funny than as well.

Listing people that we think “we are funnier than” just invites people to hate us and tell us how unfunny and untalented we are. We aren’t totally opposed to putting it all out there, but in the interest of avoiding hearing FAIL in all the comments – here are some people we just don’t think are funny. Ever.

Whitney Cummings, Ross Mathews, Sean Penn, Mindy Kaling, Bobby Moynihan (the current chubby guy on SnL), Marc Maron, the entire cast and writing staff of How I Met Your Mother (Including Neil Patrick Harris).

Who did you two vote for in the Autostraddle Hot 100 this year?

I can’t remember who we voted for. We usually just scroll through the pictures looking for Julie and anyone on the Autostraddle staff and then we vote for them. I can tell you who we DIDN’T VOTE FOR: we didn’t vote for anyone who made the top 10. Which is great because now we don’t have to feel stupid every time we see a picture of Amber Heard with Jonny Depp.

You’ve been trying to get the A-Campers wet for two rounds now. How excited are you to be hosting the pool party this time around? Any spoilers / reveals on what’s in store? Can I request that you play more Drake before it starts or no? What should I wear?

WE ARE SO FUCKING EXCITED FOR THE POOL PARTIES!!!! We pitched the pool party idea to the Camp Bosses (Marni and Robin) a few months ago, hoping to add some more sexy fun to the mix. I am an amateur DJ and my low-level mixing skills are most appropriate when heard pool-side, so I try and bust them out whenever there is a pool in the vicinity. We spend most of the day drunk, so we aren’t allowed near panels or discussions of any kind. The pool was the perfect place to have our fun. I’m crossing my fingers that there isn’t some kind of bullshit “no nudity” rule in place, and that we will get to see some topless ladies having innocent sexy splashy fun. I will definitely play Drake for you in my DJ set at the pool party, but as far as Faggity Feud is concerned – Carly is the house DJ for that event and I will send her a formal Drake request on your behalf.

The only important spoiler for anyone to know is that this year I will not be black-out drunk during Faggity Feud. Or, I should say – I’m going to TRY not to be black out drunk, but the altitude mixed with insecurity is a heady combination.

As far as what you should wear… I vote for a see-through white bikini. At all times. And I like a naturalistic bush.

What would you say are the most important things to pack when preparing for A-Camp? What are you bringing to the mountain? Brandy, how do you keep your hair looking so shiny and soft in the woods?

Our packing list never changes, and I can tell you that BY FAR the most important things we bring are: an assortment of chips, an assortment of alcohol and an assortment of anxiety meds. Also: Gas X.

The way I keep my hair looking good in the woods is – I never wash it. Not once. No matter how many days camp is. In fact, I barely even shower while I’m there, cuz let’s be real: the shower is dirtier than my alcohol detox night sweats. But when I do shower, I use a shower cap, and dry shampoo.

(Julie wants you to know that she showers every day even though no one is looking at her hair.)

(I want you to know that I love her hair and was offended she didn’t make Autostraddle’s list of best queer hair people).

What are you words of wisdom to the weirdo queers out there trying to make it?

Julie’s first response to this question was “give up.” Mine was, “Think long and hard about the field you are trying to make it in and then go work at Trader Joes.”

But I guess our true advice is (coming from two people who have spent over a decade pursuing one thing): “Know that in 10 years, you are going to have a much different relationship with your hopes and dreams than you have now. Be open to changing your mind and changing your path. The pursuit of happiness is a tricky endeavor, and the way you get from point A to point B can be a long and winding road. Keep your eyes on the prize and eventually you’ll have what you want.”

Brittani Does Dinah Shore, Girlfriend and Dignity Still Intact

Here I stand (sit?), a two-time Dinah veteran. Not yet a seasoned pro, but getting there. I’ve experienced Dinah as extremely single and extremely taken, as a nobody with a pool party pass and a shitty hotel room and a nobody with a guest bracelet and a nice hotel room. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve walked more than I wanted and slept less than I needed. I approached this Dinah with an understanding of what I was about to encounter and a preparedness that allowed me to not only survive but to mostly enjoy myself.

My girlfriend and I drove from LA to Palm Springs Thursday night. I figured it would be healthier for our relationship since there was a thing on Friday we could possibly be late for, and she is perpetually that. One of the perks of being white, I guess: you get to be late and you don’t feel like people will judge your entire race for it. Girlfriend Liz tells me this is called “stereotype threat.”

We arrive at the hotel and they have the wrong name listed for check-in. I don’t really know whose fault this is so I blame the entire human race as I am wont to do. I have to call Alex Vega in the 11 o’clock hour so she can call the hotel and switch the reservation to my name. She handles it like a pro and in no time I’m filling out a form that not only replaces me as the person assigned the room, but lets me list the names of people I authorize to get room keys whenever they need them. All of this is a huge waste of time as apparently they burned this piece of paper as soon as I left, because no one was able to ever get a key without some sort of drama at the front desk.

The next morning is as leisurely and relaxed as it can be when you have to wait while someone changes their bikini top/shorts/tank top combination five times. We head to get our wristbands before the noon rush and then go back to our room to hang out until our friends and Autostraddle web series members get in. Along with Lauren Neal and Sarah Sokolski from Words With Girls, Sarah Croce, Haviland Stillwell and Ashley Reed are there with Unicorn Plan-It. There’s an Autostraddle meet-up that afternoon; we have all decided beforehand that it will be pointless, but we decide to be responsible individuals anyway. I don’t know about you, but when I’m hyped from just arriving to an event, have been drinking my face off and am dancing violently next to a pool, the number-one thing I want to do is go to a dark bar whose location I’m unsure of and talk to people who are probably way more sober than I am. Needless to say, the meet-up is a rousing success. More than one person shows up. It is great. I also just want to throw in that the only place it was mentioned was in the booklet, which only some people that attend Dinah get and which roughly three people on earth read. One of those people is me. I have literally never seen anyone else even touch that booklet. I don’t know how people know where to be. I guess there’s some gay guiding force that pulls them.

Credit: Andrea Krauss

After the pool party, which I don’t attend much of between the going to the meet-up and and taking note of where everyone’s rooms are, my girlfriend and I decide to find food. We haven’t eaten since we had something quick in the morning, and we’re both starving. We wander around the strips of restaurants a couple of blocks from our hotel in search of a place that has vegan options, isn’t expensive and takes cards. After 30 minutes, we both know that if we don’t find food soon, we’ll to turn into cranky grumbling monsters. Just in time, we find a place called Atomic Dogs. I don’t like hot dogs so while she lucked out, I’m still screwed. I say fuck it and map the closest Burger King, which is two Dinah miles away. A Dinah mile, as defined by me, is five minutes of walking while intoxicated. We decide to meet back at the hotel and I start walking.

Credit: Terry Hastings

After we eat, we nap until it’s time to get ready for the White Party and Haviland’s performance; we really know how to get the party going. Haviland performed a five-song set, including two of her original songs, at Hunter’s, a local gay bar. We watched the show and chatted with Wendy Jo Carlton (Hannah Free, Jamie and Jessie Are Not Together) and Lisa Cordileone (Easy Abby).

Unlike the pool parties, which were at the Hilton, the White Party is in Hotel Zoso, where we are staying. There are three different rooms going, so everywhere you turn, there are hordes of women, dressed in their best (and probably only) white attire with drinks in hand and smirks on faces. Before we join them, the members of Words With Girls and Unicorn Plan-It have to hit up the VIP Party. I go down early to check it out and report back. There are a few of the other web series folks milling around outside the room but none of them are going in—or talking to each other. I decide we can forgo this awkwardness for a little while.

By the time we show up, all of the people I recognized earlier are gone and the only people in the room are the people that paid to be. We’re all standing around talking when we realize the DJ is playing a ton of old Jay-Z and Missy Elliot, along with other straight-up 90s jams like “Candy Rain.” No strangers to spectacle, we dance by ourselves on the empty dance floor until it’s time for the red carpet, where we proceed to look like we don’t belong and probably confuse everyone with our presence.

After the red carpet, we go back to the VIP Room because the DJ is still playing a heavy hip hop and R&B throwback set. A party promoter from the Virgin Islands buys us all drinks, and a Club Skirts photographer snaps pictures of us being ridiculous. There’s no reason to leave so we don’t. They’ve stopped checking wristbands at the door, so we invite all of our friends to the room and only leave when we find out that there’s a hip hop room upstairs. Eventually we’ve danced long enough and most people are too drunk to coherently answer texts about where they are that we decide to move on to the next thing, which is obviously pizza. We find a place that is a)open, b)walkable and c)dirt cheap. We rendezvous with Jess Shaffer of The Love Corner and I call cabs for the eight people that successfully make it to her room. We end up at a house party until 3:30-ish, then head back to get some sleep.

Next: Saturday and Sunday Shenanigans

The LGBTQ Side of SXSW: OUTLander Spring Festival

After noticing a surprising lack of LGBTQ friendly media at Austin’s annual South by Southwest Festival, the good people at One More Lesbian hooked up with The OUTLander Project to do what most of us like to talk about in theory but don’t ever actually put the effort into doing ourselves. (Not because we’re lazy. We’re just busy, ya know.) The OUTlander Spring Festival will take place from March 8th through 16th during SXSW and will be the largest showcase of local, national, and international LGBTQ musicians performing over five days right in the heart of one of the iconic events of the music industry. In conjunction with Tello Films, OUTlander and OML are showcasing a ton of web series during an event called Main Screen. Among them are Autostraddle’s very own web series Unicorn Plan-It and Words With Girls. PLUS Julie and Brandy’s new venture on Tello, Gay Street Therapy because they want to help you…sort of.   March 9th at Oilcan Harry’s in Downtown Austin you’ll be able to catch screenings of the aforementioned web series and a three song set by Unicorn Plan-It co-creator/writer/producer/star Haviland Stillwell. She performed at the Oscars. Did you know that? The event kicks off with a networking happy hour from 3-5pm featuring a DJ set from Girlfriend ATX, drink specials from LGBT owned and operated Frot Vodka, and catered food from lesbian owned El Sol y La Luna. After you’re stuffed on gay food and drink, you’ll be able to settle in and check out episodes, exclusive premiers, and trailers for the other web series featured: Once You Leave, Orange Juice in Bishops Garden, Lips, Easy Abby, Cowgirl Up, I Hate Tommy Finch, The Throwaways, Kiss Her I’m Famous, Lez Find Love, and Kam Kardashian. AND there will be other musical performances from Stirling and Goddess and She sprinkled throughout. Since they know that watching lots and lots of women prancing across screens, being witty, funny, dramatic, and/or adorable will make you want to find your own series of lesbian events, there will be a dance party from 10pm-2am to close the event. In conclusion, if you are going to South by Southwest, live in Austin, or really really like LGBTQ media and music, go to Main Screen and enjoy yourself. You deserve it.

VIDEO: Julie & Brandy In Your Box Office Episode #205: Cloud Atlas In The Sky

by riese & julie and brandy

Well, it’s been a number of months since Julie & Brandy last blessed us with their spunky and irreverent take on a popular film of their choosing, and although we busy ourselves re-watching The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo & Fries and Hhenger Gahms, it’s still difficult to get through everyday life without a new episode from which to steal and repeat jokes. Therefore I am simply overjoyed to announce a brilliantly fresh episode of Julie & Brandy In Your Box Office is about to premiere right in front of your eyeballs!

Julie Goldman and Brandy Howard were scouring the earth for a new film that’d be appropriate for their comedy stylings when they came across this speech by transgender director Lana Wachowski on this very website and thought, “Oooo! Let’s support this movie!” and dutifully trekked to the theater at the asscrack of dawn. Unfortunately they learned, as Julie put it, “good people make bad movies.” On another note, my mother saw Cloud Atlas on her birthday and loved it, so.

A quick refresher about In Your Box Office, World’s Most Beloved Webseries:

Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard are a sensational acting/writing duo trying to cause a sensation with their romantic-comedy, Nicest Thing.

But since no one wants to make their movie or cast them in anything, they feel it is their duty to harshly judge everyone else’s work based on a sliding scale of rage, bitterness, lesbianism, and lack of any real significant training.

So, get a giant box of Junior Mints, take off your socks, curl into a small ball on your couch and press “play.” And if you’d like to read more about the race-related issues people have with this movie that Julie and Brandy bring up in their video, I recommend Yo, Is That Racist? Race-Bending Your Way Around Cloud Atlas and Media Action Network For Asian-Americans Speaks Up Against Cloud Atlas.

Also (this is the last thing, I promise), even though everybody hates the new Final Cut, I really like it! It’s enabled me to post this video in HD so I encourage you to select 720 HD quality when watching this fantastic video!

Introducing Camp Autostraddle May 2013: Registration Is Way Open

Once upon a time we had a dream. It involved a couple hundred of you, 35 of us, a group retreat site in the San Bernadino Mountains and a weekend packed with workshops, panels, activities and performances designed to inspire, educate, entertain and/or make you laugh — basically, it was the spirit of this website manifested in three entire dimensions. We wanted to create a special (and affordable!) space where you could be yourself, enhance your relationships within the international queer community, support Autostraddle and make new friends forever.

It was a dream called A-Camp, and it was a dream that came true the last weekend of April, 2012. We did it again in September 2012, and it was even more amazing than the first time.

Obviously, we’re doing it again.

Details

When:

Thursday May 23rd – Monday May 27th, 2013+

Where:

Alpine Meadows Retreat Center in Angelus Oaks, California. It’s 1.5 hours from Palm Springs, 2 hours from Los Angeles, 2.5 hours from San Diego, 4 hours from Las Vegas, 5 hours from Phoenix and 8 hours from San Francisco. We’ll be running shuttles from LAX to the campsite from 10 AM to 3PM on May 23rd and shuttles back to LAX from 8AM ’til 11AM on May 27th.

+

Who:

You weirdos! Anyone over the age of 18 is welcome — in September, our campers ranged in age from 18 to 50 and came from all over the world, including lots of Canadians and quite a few Australians and United Kingdomers. Half our campers were over 25 and half were under. About 30% of our campers were returning and 70% were new.

+

Lodging:

You’ll be having the bestest biggest surprise slumber party of your life in fully insulated, carpeted & heated cabins with private bathroom/showers/baths and generously-sized bunk beds. You’ll be sharing these cabins with somewhere between 10 and 17 others, led by two counsellors from Team Autostraddle. Cabin groups are designed with your needs in mind (we meet all roommate requests!).

+

How:

Tuition is $375 and is all-inclusive. No extra fees.

Just $50 down reserves your spot!

+

Your tuition includes:

• Four nights lodging (linens included)
• Three meals a day with snacks – and this time we’ll be working with the chef to design a menu and options catered specifically for our group, and there are vegetarian, vegan & gluten-free options
• Full access to a variety of activities, workshops, panels, sports and arts & crafts. You’ll also have the option to get fun one-on-one stuff like an Alternative Lifestyle Haircut or an Individual Style Consultation, all included!
• Kickass Tote Bag packed with amazing things such as an awesome A-Camp T-Shirt !

+

What the hell goes on at A-Camp?

+

For more information about what goes on at A-Camp, you can check out our recaps from April and September’s camp  and testimonies from campers about the joy of the experience. Keep in mind that this time around, things will be even more awesome.

A-Camp Daytime

Days at A-Camp are spent participating in a variety of programming options offered by the Autostraddle Team and special guests — Color Wars! Gender Panel! How To Pick Up Chicks! Morning Hike! Coming Out Panel! DIY Home Projects! Trans* Discussion Group! Meet & Geek! The Truth About Cats and Dogs! Lesbian Jeopardy! The Sex Panel! Free Swim! There’ll be lots of new stuff this time and we’ll be following through on your requests for things like a Bisexuality Panel, a Kink Panel and more interactive workshops. There’ll also be a Quiet Room for people to decompress and enjoy the Camp Autostraddle Library.

+

A-Camp After Dark

Every night offers plenty of opportunities for fun-fun-fun! Every camp opens with an all-camp campfire hosted by Julie Goldman and closes with an all-camp Talent Show and Dance With DJ Carlytron. In September, we enjoyed a wet/riotous game of Faggity Feud With Julie & Brandy, hosted a Staff Reading (our most well-loved event/activity in the history of camp) which will become a new A-Camp tradition. Other evening activities have included Hav & The Hav-Nots (a musical performance from Haviland Stillwell and the A-Camp Band), all-camp wide games and S’Mores. May Camp will definitely feature a Julie & Brandy Game Show, stand-up from DeAnne Smith and will probably feature my personal fantasy Evening of Lesbian Folk-Rock Music starring Julie Goldman, Somer, Marni, Haviland and other talented teamsters! Much more TBA! (And for night owls, revelry continues all night long in various lodges.)

The Talent

We like to bring smart talented lesbians with lots of shit going on to entertain, educate, and hang out with you. They come because they believe in Autostraddle and A-Camp and we’re really excited about our Talent Roster (so far!) this time:

Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard – You know Julie & Brandy from their hit Autostraddle webseries In Your Box Office, but that’s not all the duo does together — they’re staff writers for E! Fashion Police WIth Joan Rivers, are regular guests on The Gay Pimpin’ Podcast. Julie Goldman is a world-renowned lesbian comedian and star of the former Logo TV program TThe Big Gay Sketch Show, and has also appeared in Bones, DTLA, The Sopranos, The New Normal, Weeds and Best Friends Forever. Brandy Howard has appeared in 56 beer commercials, as well as Untold, Ditching Party, Just Shoot Me! and It’s Like, You Know.

DeAnne Smith – DeAnne blogs for Autostraddle, but mostly she’s known for her hiLARIOUS stand-up and prolific career as a comic. DeAnne has appeared on Last Coming Standing, Good News Week, Canada’s The Comedy Network, HBO Canada and has won and been nominated for heaps of awards all over the world, such as the Sydney Comedy Festival’s Time Out Best Newcomer and the Barry Award at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

Somer Bingham – You know Somer from the terrifying Showtime reality series The Real L Word, throughout which Somer remained a low-key down-to-earth human amid a gaggle of oversexed lesbians, but if you really wanna get real you’ve gotta read our amazing interview with her. Somer hosted SOMER FRIDAYS for Showtime with her wife Donna and heads up Clinical Trials, a “thrashy all-female electro grunge rock [band] with a side of angst.”

The cast of Unicorn Plan-It – You know the ladies of Autostraddle’s hit webseries Unicorn Plan-It — Haviland Stillwell is an actress & singer (her first album “How I Role,” debuted in 2009), who appeared on Broadway in Fiddler On The Roof and Les Miserables and onscreen in Single Ladies, The Client List, CSI: New York and Eastwick; among others. Ashley Reed is a screenwriter/producer & playwright and Sarah Croce (Miss April 2011) is an actress, producer & editor you may have seen in Levi’s Jeans Commercials, Flick’s Chicks, Girl Talk, GO Mag’s Red Carpet or The Real L Word Parody.

Mollie Thomas – 2013 Autostraddle Calendar Girl Mollie Thomas was the first openly gay woman running for Miss California USA. Mollie taught a pole-dancing class at September Camp and is very active in Animal Rescue and animal rights work!

How Is This Camp Not Like All Other Camps?

If you’ve been to camp before, rest assured that in May 2013, we’ll be blowing your minds with heaps of new activities and scheduling that offers a little more breathing room. In addition to returning (but reworked) classics like The Gender Panel, we’ll be rolling out a series of more tightly-focused activities that really utilize the talent and expertise of our staff. We can’t wait to see what our new team members come up with!

We put a new twist on the experience every time (and get progressively more organized), so the only way to know the whole story is to come to camp, obvs.

Okay, I’m in. What Now?

If you wanna get on the saddle and trot on over to A-Camp with us this spring, here’s what you’ve gotta do:

1. For the low low price of a $50 non-refundable deposit, you can snag your spot for the spring festivities. Please read the instructions at the top of each registration interface page if anything seems remotely complicated.

2. When registration fills up, you can put yourself on the waitlist. Be sure to put an e-mail address you check regularly & often, so you don’t miss our note if you’re up!

3. If you’re driving in on Thursday, please plan to arrive between 12:00 noon and 5:30 PM. On Monday, please plan to leave by noon.

4. If you’re looking for flights and will need transportation from the airport, then please book your incoming flights for Thursday, May 23rd to get in by 2 PM at the latest. (E-mail camp [at] autostraddle [dot] com to make arrangements for later flights.) Camp officially begins at 6 PM. There will be activities going on throughout the afternoon, but mostly we want to allow you time to get settled in before your counsellors take you into the woods and brand you for life while howling at the moon.

If you’ll need transportation to the airport on Monday, May 27th, there will be busses leaving at 8, 10 and 11, so don’t book a flight that leaves any earlier than 1PM.

5. If you need to cancel, you can just log back in to the registration interface and cancel!

Notes on Payments and Payment Plan

In the past, we’ve offered a Payment Plan, but we’re not doing that this time — BUT DO NOT DESPAIR! Although most vacations require their entire tuition upfront, we’re giving you five months before the tuition payment deadline. The registration system allows for partial payments, so you can create-your-own payment plan — all we ask is that you put down at least $100 towards your tuition by March 1st and pay all your tuition by April 1st. If those deadlines don’t work for you, just email us and we can work something out! We’re real people, know money can be tight, and will do everything we can to work with you to get you there. We’re super flexible as long as you communicate with us.

The reason for those deadlines (and part of the reason we’re abandoning payment plans) is a chronic problem we’ve had with people signing up for camp, putting down a deposit and holding that spot for months without making more than one payment, then often finally canceling when it’s too late for us to fill the spot. Coordinating payment plans and chasing people down has evolved into a nightmare and we bit off more than we could chew. We ended up with quite a few empty spots at last camp due to various problems with abandoned payment plans and non-responsiveness — and because the camp gets final numbers from us six weeks before you arrive, we also ended up at both camps paying the camp for campers who never paid us or showed up. We have to simplify that process this time for mutual sanity, and so we are!

FAQ:

Q: How do you win camp?

Q: I’m really super poor but I want to go so bad!
A: Firstly, this is a once-in-a-lifetime Utopia-esque situation, I recommend getting your emergency funds out. But we get that hard times are here for some of you, and that’s why we’re giving you five months after putting down your deposit to come up with the money.

Q: I’m still too poor.
A: We do give out between 5-8 camperships (based on space and the amount of campership donations) per session. To apply, campers submit essays explaining why they deserve to get a campership. Please note that we get heaps more applicants than we have camperships. There will be a post about this soon.

Q: Is there Wi-Fi?
A: NOPE! I know it’s scary!

Q: Will there be any free time?
A: Yup! I mean you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, and we’ll be adding more free/flexible time this camp. Go read by the river or go videotape your friend hiding in a tree like a monkey or just lie on the grass or in your bed. You can do whatever you wanna do, you’re a grown-up!

Q: What’s the deal with alcohol?
A: Drinking isn’t part of any A-Camp activities and we do not serve alcohol. But if you’re over 21 and wish to drink at camp, you have to bring your own alcohol, put your name on it, and store it in one of our designated lodges (food/drink are prohibited in cabins because of bears) where you can access it whenever you want. We’ll be providing a “substance-free cabin” option for anyone over 21 who would prefer to room with other abstainers, as well as designated substance-free evening programming/space.

Q: Can I work at camp?
A: No, our camp is staffed entirely in-house. But if you’re coming to camp already and you’ve got a special skill/talent and would like to propose a workshop, email marni [at] autostraddle [dot] com and robin [at] autostraddle [dot] com.

Q: Are there extra charges for anything?
A: If you need a shuttle to or from LAX, it’s $25 each way. Everything else is included. Depending on demand, we may offer a ropes course option at $20 for each attendant.

Q: Me and my girlfriend/all my friends want to go together, can we stay in the same cabin?
A: Yes.

Q:  I can’t come to camp but would like to help somebody else get there, can I do that?
A: Absolutely! We’ll have a post up in the next month or so about how to help send somebody else to camp via the Power of Magic Camperships.

Q: When are you doing an East Coast camp?
A: I know this seems like SUCH a good idea! But for a zillion reasons including a shorter off-season and the fact that most of our team lives on the West Coast, this simply isn’t affordable or logistically possible for us right now — and in turn, for you. This is something we hope to do in the future but we’re not sure when that will be yet, so don’t hold your breath. However, it’s worth noting that we picked a site near LA because it’s one of the cheapest airports to fly into in the country.

Q: What about A-Camp in CANADA?!
A: The expenses required to put on A-Camp in any other country would drive your cost to about $2,000 for a weekend, and that’s before plane tickets, passport fees, etc. If we ever do an international A-Camp, it would be years from now.

Q: When is the next camp after this camp?
A: We’re not 100% positive yet, but it will probably be in October at the same site.

Q: Who should I email with my pressing question?
A: Camp directors Marni [marni at autostraddle dot com] and Robin [robin at autostraddle dot com]

Q: What’s that link again?
A: Here it is!

Q: Anything else?
A: Please we beggeth of you from the deepest depths of your beating heart, to make sure we have an email address for you that you check often. We will be sending you updates via e-mail and it’s imperative that you receive and respond!

Register Now! 

The Lost Pictures: Brandy Howard at Obama’s Victory Party

Hello queermos! I have now reoriented myself to the real world, a world where I’m not an election machine for 17 hours. A world where I can eat food whenever I want to eat food and can actually get up and walk around and where we have the president that supports the LGBT community, four wins for marriage equality at the ballot, a sound defeat for rape-apologist politicians and a lesbian in the Senate. It’s a pretty good world.

I was surprised by how quickly the election was decided. I expected the Ohio count to go on forever and ever and couldn’t believe it when it was over so fast. I had been holding content for later in the night and had trouble getting in touch with Brandy Howard of the esteemed Brandy and Julie in Your Box Office, our straddler attending the Chicago Victory Party. But we promised you pics or it didn’t happen. So here’s all the pictures I had been intending to post of Brandy. Thanks Brandy!

Brandy’s bow tie beats Flag Hair Lady any day.

In closing, Autostraddle Reader Alicia sent over this quote from an article on the Awl. She said, “I don’t think this could be anybody BUT Brandy.”

“Stopping to have her picture taken, a girl in red skinny jeans, a blazer, and a bowtie crossed her legs and leaned slightly back to be photographed the way starlets do. I’d never seen anyone do that before in real life.”

Your Best Halloween Costume Ever: How To Throw A Private Party Dressed As Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard

I meant to post this post yesterday but was waiting to see if Shopstyle would recover from its storm-damage so I could access the lookbook spreads and links I built for you chock-full of Julie & Brandy Fashions, but alas Shopsense (Shopstyle’s interface for affiliates/developers) remains broken so I will plow forward nonetheless and add that section to this post when Shopsense is back up! 

Are you stuck at home due to inclement weather? Has your Halloween parade been cancelled? Have you chosen a niche Halloween costume that nobody will think is funny besides you and your internet friends? Well, I know how that feels. I mean, I live in Berkeley, California, so there’s no inclement weather (there’s no weather at all here, actually, not ever), but all my friends live in Los Angeles and New York so there’s nobody to dress up for and FURTHERMORE, this year my girlfriend Marni and I decided to dress up as Julie Goldman and Brandy Howard, a relatively niche selection.

Julie Goldman, world’s funniest lesbian, and Brandy Howard, G-d’s gift to beer commercials, are best known to Autostraddlers as hosts of the hit webseries Julie & Brandy In Your Box Office:

As the editor for said webseries and an intimate pal of the zany duo, I spend a lot of time looking at Julie and Brandy’s faces and therefore felt totally prepared to pay tribute to them at a private Halloween Party.

cheers to a special halloween behind-the-scenes

The best part of having a private costume party is that it facilitates multiple costume changes, you don’t need to pick just one! All you need is a relatively simple concept and a camera, and you can be celebrating Halloween in your very own special way.

brandy spends a lot of time making sure the shot is in focus and they’re both in

If you, too, want to be Julie & Brandy, you can probably throw something together from what’s lying around the house or, hopefully, hanging nicely in a closet. Brandy generally prefers hoop earrings, cute boots with a very flowy dress, or a loose t-shirt with jeans or a skirt, often topped off with a cute jacket/blazer, cardigan or plaid shirt. Julie usually wears diamond stud earrings and favors Sambas, dark jeans and a graphic tee or a button-up shirt either open or with a vest and tie.

Furthermore, for extra authenticity, we recommend the following accessories:

• Water bottle filled with Vodka
• Vintage Blackberry
• Supersoaker
• Xanax
• Doritos
• a guitar
• lipgloss
• multi-colored nail polish
• two dogs

Are you ready? I sure am.

+

+

Private Costume Party: Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard Edition

+

Julie & Brandy Look #1: Calendar Girls Photoshoot

For this look, Marni donned a white shirt and we cut a pair of black underpants into the shape of an untied bowtie! This photoshoot took place in our “backyard” which we refer to as “The Grove.”

+

Julie & Brandy Look #2: Lesbian Executive Realness

we’re talking about how much we hate men in the backyard

Julie & Brandy are very serious about bringing you lesbian executive realness in the form of coordinated formalwear.

Unfortunately, I finally donated that one sweater vest I never wore to Goodwill in August, so our interpretation of this costume is incomplete, as I should be wearing a sweater vest. But I think you can still get the basic idea.

is this purified

You can also rock this look with fake glasses, as per the opening credits of IYBO. I didn’t wear fake glasses for this though because they’re red and therefore made me look like Sally Jessie Raphael.

julie talking about how she can’t stand something

+

Julie & Brandy Look #3: Talking About Movies On The Couch

Julie and Brandy host their program from one of two locations:

A) Couch

B) Backyard

Occasionally Julie & Brandy will don thematic outfits for their conversations. For Black Swan Black Swan Did You Really Happen, Brandy slaughtered two entire black swans, and then re-fashioned them into stylish earrings. Julie, inspired by the dancing theme of Black Swan, selected a “dance practice” ensemble including a red sweatband, a modified workout shirt and black leggings. In order to sex up the place, Brandy forewent underwear, but did don a pair of opaque black tights.

sitting on the couch talking about “Black Swan”

For The Runagays, Julie and Brandy played with the “rock star” theme: Brandy feathered her hair and wore a leather jacket with a red scarf, whereas Julie selected a musically-themed graphic tee and wrapped a giant sheath of fabric around her head.

sitting outside talking about “the runaways”

Usually, however, Julie and Brandy just wear everyday clothing while sitting on the couch talking about movies, although thematic drinks are often involved, such as wine for Sex and The City and Bloody Marys for The Hangover 2.

For our interpretation of Julie and Brandy Sitting On the Couch, I wore a boyfriend cardigan with a deconstructed white t-shirt and a denim mini-skirt and Marni was adorned in a graphic tee and cargo shorts. Accessories included my dog Tinkerbell playing Brandy’s dog Nacho, beer, a water bottle filled with vodka, a black leather bracelet, and a bag of Doritos.

brandy doesn’t understand why winona ryder was in the movie

brandy and julie give it four fingers

+ 

Julie & Brandy Look #4: Pool Party

Being a Professional Lesbian involves a lot of lesbian pool parties, such as Dinah Shore. For this look, I paired a bikini top with a denim mini-skirt and Marni paired cargo shorts with a t-shirt folded to appear as if the sleeves had been cut off. We topped off the look with aviator sunglasses.

You can get great tips on how to beach it up like Julie via our Swimsuit Guide, but this outfit is generally quite simple.

Well, that about wraps it up! I hope you have the happiest Halloween and if you now feel the urge to watch every episode of In Your Box Office in a row, I want you to know that it’s perfectly normal and I support you.

Julie and Brandy Do the Olympics: Gymnastics, Bikini Volleyball, and Synchronized Slapfights

Ed. Note: Julie and Brandy usually only watch movies so they can lay down some executive lesbian realness (hey), but then Julie heard that some Olympic events were sorta gay and/or involved cute uniforms, and apparently Brandy is a fan of gymnastics (who knew?), so they tossed aside their general disdain for sports and sat down to see what the big deal was. 

It was all live-chatted for posterity and of course, your enjoyment. Here’s what happened.

all images by intern geneva

SYNCHRONIZED DIVING

Brandy: Let’s do the ‘lympix!

Julie: Okay. God I wanna go to the land of castles and crumpets and beer and chips and accents and tea.

Brandy: Yeah. I’m so jealous of all these betches in London. Princess Kate and Lilly Allen and Keira Knightley and Daniel Craig. And Henry Cavill. And Kate Winslet.

Julie: And Mr. Bean. And Tom Hardy.

Brandy: And black people with British accents.

Julie: And Notting Hill. And good Indian food.

Brandy: Hugh Grant. Eating pizza with a fork and knife.

Julie: Do you have an extra fag. Is just a cigarette. Not a faggot.

Brandy: Ooooh, love that.

Julie: I can’t believe the synchronized diving.

Brandy: Synchronised diving. Let’s watch the girlies.

Julie: Okay. Damn! How the feg do they do that??

Brandy: It’s a trip. I wonder if any of them are real twins. If so, they’d have a big advantage.

Julie: Yeah! I wish there were actual couples doing it. And they’d dive off and hold hands. And then kill themselves.

Brandy: Ha! Actually, there’s a few couples I’d like to volunteer for that.

Julie: The Chinese are killing it. Why do they keep showing that cigarette?… I mean faggot.

Brandy: These Chinese synchronised divers are legit. They took gold! It’s gymnastics time!

GYMNASTICS

Julie: I can’t stop sweating, god. Here comes Justin Wieber.

Brandy: They robbed Jordyn. Wow. 16.233? I don’t get it. She stuck that landing like she was in quicksand! These damn Euro douches are judging it wrong!

Julie: What’s the best you can get? They all said that was perfect. It looked perfect. Why are the judges being such assfucks? Ohhh shit. Sorry Russia.

Brandy: The good scores are 16 and over. And they need to start giving them out. They’re being bitches.

Julie: Ok. Got it. Jay-Z needed to make a Budweiser commercial? That girl from China was pretty incredible on the uneven bars.

Brandy: Yes! This is their shit for sure. Very impressive. Here is the Russian lady that they say is a big bitch and a diva. She’s my new hero <3

Julie: Oh, is this the bitch?

Brandy: Yes! This is her. What’s her name? Aliya Mustafina!

Julie: The coach says he calls her a little devil. Ton of makeup. That is so fucking cool, the flipping from one bar to the other like that. Damn this girl is flying. Ohh kiss kiss kiss… ladeez.

Brandy: She’s really good. Victoria Komova. This little girl is Romanian. Like Nadia and Teodora.

Julie: And this stripper is Romanian, too.

Brandy: Hahahahahaha

Julie: She did fucking great though. What’s her name? Destinneee Van Hooterslinkavitch. Jordyn was OHkay.

Brandy: She’s kinda not delivering. I LOVE Kyla. Yes. Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! Killed it!!!!!!!

Julie: Killed it, betches. Who’s prettier her or the Jew?

Brandy: It’s between McKayla and the Jewess for prettiness to me. Kyla and Gabby are very cute, too. Kyla killed that and only got a 14.9. I guess it wasn’t difficult enough.

Julie: Yeah, the Russians were doing major more difficult stuff.

Brandy: Whoa. She got a 15.2. So, the USA is in the lead!

Julie: Yes, but they’re gonna have to keep killing it cause the Russkies are catching up. Here’s the Jewess’ story… Oh, actually that was dumb.

Brandy: The Jewess is pretty. I love how she knew everyone wanted Jordyn Bieber, and she didn’t let that bother her and just quietly rocked it and didn’t look back. No regrets.

Julie: Yeah, that was verrrryy cool. The Olympics competes with Franklin and Bash. I’m sure all of America is torn.

Brandy: I’m sure. I’d love a nighttime mimosa. Panda is getting ready for gymnastics. He’s stretching it OUT!‬ Kyla is gonna rock this beam.

Julie: Damn, she is rocking it.

Brandy: She sounded like she was dancing to Kill Bill. Very cute.

Julie: Ohh, that’s what that was. Yesyes. It did sound like that.

Brandy: And Kyla and McKayla are besties. Did you see them hug after she finished her beam?

Julie: Here’s your gerl. She’s doing great!

Brandy: Aly is doing great! I’m so nervous on beam.

Julie: She did so good.

Brandy: Veeeery gooooood. Her cupcake bootie was POPPIN!

Julie: Ha, it was it was POPPin. Her mom looks like she’s having a nervous breakdown. Omgawd haha..this poor Russian girl. She’s so upset.

Brandy: She’s the bitch and she’s showing it now. I feel for her, as I relate to bitches.

Julie: Ohh, whoa. She’s showing what a bitch she is… yeah… and she stomped off.

Brandy: She’s crying. And she’s pissed. Damn. Sorry Russia, you’re gonna have to lick our pussies.

Julie: They wish they could. They’re not doing good on the beam. These girls need to get it together. They’re giving up and it’s not a good look.

Brandy: Well, I like their depressive Russian bitchy attitudes. We have the floor left. Okay, gymnastics floor time! The bitchy Russian is the best for her attitude. She wins a gold from me for her scary ‘tude.

Julie: Major gold for ‘tude. She’s not letting any of the men touch her. Haha. She gets a gold from me for that. These gerls are all totally unfocused and they’ve given up. They’re dead inside and something is missing. That’s sad.

Brandy: It is sad. They’re all crying. Wow. Her score is so low. Lowest we’ve seen. USA has got this shit. We are about roll up on these gold medals, son!

Julie: Jesus, Gabby. God, her height is insane.

Brandy: She’s doing so good… ! Ahhahahhaha! That was amazeballs!

Julie: Ok, Jordananana… Whoa! Holy shit. She is FEELING herself, she’s saying F YOU. You shoulda had me for the all-around, you fucks.

Brandy: Here comes Jordyn Bieber. It all happens here. She’s smiling!!!!!!!

Julie: She should be smiling. That was fucking incredible. She stuck every landing. That’s a comeback baby.

Brandy: We want Jordyn to get the gold. Not Ali. Ali can get the gold in the all-around or the balance beam… They won the GOLD!!!!

Julie: Yeah – !

Brandy: Yay!!! Americans!!! USA!!!!!!

Julie: Yay!! So, Jordyn got her gold!

Brandy: Five girls came together and won the gold for USA. So good. And Julie and Brandy were just in Russia less than six weeks ago! Ha! Take that stinky Russia!

Julie: Ha! That’s right. Dos va fuck youu.

Brandy: I love that McKayla Maroney rolled in, did one giant vault, dropped the mic and was done.

Julie: And now look at us. Haha! Yes! The giant vault was increds. Yay! Awesome. Now you guys can go back to 7th grade and make good choices.

Brandy: Ahahahhahahaha! Good one.

Next: Swimming, fencing, beach volleyball, and boxed mac’n’cheese!

Julie and Brandy Do the Olympics: Qualifying Rounds And Cupcake Butts

Ed. Note: Julie and Brandy usually only watch movies so they can lay down some executive lesbian realness (hey), but then Julie heard that some Olympic events were sorta gay and/or involved cute uniforms, and apparently Brandy is a fan of gymnastics (who knew?), so they tossed aside their general disdain for sports and sat down to see what the big deal was. 

It was all live-chatted for posterity and of course, your enjoyment. Here’s what happened.

all images by intern geneva

+

OPENING CEREMONY

Julie: I made popcorn and put yeast on it. Its OHkay.

Brandy: Air popcorn?

Julie: Nope. I used oil. But very little. I was so curious.

Brandy: Did you salt it too? The nooch needs salt.

Julie: The nooch?

Brandy: Nutritional yeast. The vegans call it nooch.

Julie: Ohhh OHHHH. Well go look at yourself. You are half a vegan already.

WOMEN’S VOLLEYBALL: USA vs KOREA

Brandy: Han Song Yi looks like GoGo from Kill Bill 2. Like- she looks just like her. Is there someone on the USA team named Destiny Hooker?? Jesus.

Julie: Whoa she really does. Destiny Hooker. Destiny Hooker. I’m already confused and annoyed.

Brandy: Me too.

Julie: I can’t find Destiny.

Brandy: They said Destiny Hooker was a high jump champ, too. That’s pretty genius. She’s the one killing it. And being way better than everyone else. And it says Hooker on her jersey.

Julie: She got a butt pat. Are there more lesbians in soccer or volleyball? They’re all so skinny. It’s like praying mantises playing.

Brandy: So fit and sooooooo tall. Oh- it’s spelled Destinee Hooker. My family was on Family Feud before I was born and they played a family called Hookers. And it was the Howards against the Hookers. I wonder if it was her family.

Julie: Is it on youtube?

Brandy: I wish.

Julie: I’m looking right now.

Julie: Nacho is farting. I never liked volleyball. Everyone always wants to play it in the pool.

Brandy: I’m farting too. Playing it in the pool is so dorky!

Julie: Do you think the volleyball players are farting? I do. I imagine little farts come out when they’re pushing it.

Brandy: How many on the team do you think are lez?

Julie: Mmm. Funny you should ask. I was trying to do the math…I think volleyball could be less lez than soccer. I’m gonna say half. Golf: 80 percent. While soccer I will say is 75 percent. Softball: 85 percent. Basketball: 90 percent.

Brandy: I’ll trust the expert.

Julie: Now this is from someone who never watches or enjoys sports. Or lesbians.

Brandy: That girl Logan Tom definitely seems lez.

Julie: Logan Tom – yeah. Teah. T. Davis seems lez. I wonder which Koreans are lez.

Brandy: Ground control to Logan Tom. I wonder if anyone ever says that to her. I love when they all touch each other’s butts erotically.

Brandy: Nicole Davis seems uber lez. And she has the Olympic rings tattooed on the back of her neck.

Julie: Ohh maybe they’re the rainbow pride rings. I love when they scream. Very aggressive and taunting…Butt pat butt pat butt pat good job good job good job I love you I’ve always loved you good job…

Brandy: All I do is stare at their thighs and wait for them to touch each other’s butts. Even the Koreans do it. I don’t even know what’s happening in the game.

Julie: Me too. Me too…how about less volleyball more butt touching… Sensual butt handling.

Brandy: The US would get the Gold in Sensual Butt Handling.

Julie: Ball is over the net!! Andddd…group hug, gentle supportive embrace, sensual butt handling, slight back graze,…and back to 1.

sensual butt handling medal results

Julie: I always wanted to play a sport where I wore goggles because I’m cautious and aggressive all at once.

Brandy: Let’s fast forward to the end and see who wins.

Julie: Okay.

Brandy: We won! Basically what I came away with from watching this is: these girls have no cellulite. And Logan Tom and Tama Miyashiro are my faves.

Julie: I came away with sensual butt handling. And ground control to Logan Tom.

Brandy: Ahhaaah!

Julie: Well great.

VIDEO: Julie & Brandy In Your Box Office #204: Hengher Gams

by riese & julie & brandy

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been pretty much sitting here staring at the wall dreaming about gummy worms since the last episode of Julie & Brandy in Your Box Office knocked my socks right off my feet onto the floor, therefore necessitating an unexpected trip to the laundromat. Yup, anticipation is high today, higher than a kite, a mountain, or a drug addict! Because today Julie Goldman and Brandy Howard are gonna make you pee in your pants! In a sexy way, though.

While the rest of us were learning about our souls at A-Camp, Julie Goldman and Brandy Howard were running around in the woods filming the “Hunger Games” episode of In Your Box Office, which they’ve entitled “HUNGER GHAMS.” It’s a different pronunciation.

A quick refresher about In Your Box Office, World’s Most Beloved Webseries:

Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard are a sensational acting/writing duo trying to cause a sensation with their romantic-comedy, Nicest Thing.

But since no one wants to make their movie or cast them in anything, they feel it is their duty to harshly judge everyone else’s work based on a sliding scale of rage, bitterness, lesbianism, and lack of any real significant training.

Also, due to popular demand — and in honor of YouTube’s new policies allowing 15-minute videos (the limit was ten, originally) — we are continuing to make these episodes a little longer than we used to. I mean, you dug it last time, so I think you’ll dig it this time too. If you watch it twice in a row, it’s like a sitcom, basically.

So, it’s time to pop your popcorn and wrap your girlfriend or otherwise-inclined real-or-imaginary companion in a warm blanket, cuddle up and see what Julie and Brandy thought about The Hunger Games, starring your girlfriend Katniss!

VIDEO! Julie & Brandy In Your Box Office #203: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and Fries

by riese & julie & brandy

Much like the coffee beans used to prepare the fresh breakfast coffee in Dunkin’ Donuts commercials, Julie Goldman and Brandy Howard are harvested and slow-roasted into perfection, and that takes time, which’s why it’s been so long since we last checked in with In Your Box Office’s Legendary Season Two. Luckily they’re totally roasted and they’re back!

Before we go any further, you should know that January 19th is Brandy’s birthday, so you all should tell her how pretty she is and be extra nice. Also you should know that when they’re not buying buckets of cheeseballs, being supermodels, or telling stories about drugrunning in Mexico for The Gay Pimp Podcasts, Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard are now both on the writing team for Joan Rivers’ Fashion Police Teevee Show! GOING PLACES!

A quick refresher about In Your Box Office, World’s Most Beloved Webseries:

Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard are a sensational acting/writing duo trying to cause a sensation with their romantic-comedy, Nicest Thing.

But since no one wants to make their movie or cast them in anything, they feel it is their duty to harshly judge everyone else’s work based on a sliding scale of rage, bitterness, lesbianism, and lack of any real significant training.

So, due to popular demand — and in honor of YouTube’s new policies allowing 15-minute videos (the limit was ten, originally) — I’m experimenting with making these episodes just a tad bit longer because, you know, why not? That being said, there was still more to say about the movie which I’ve added after the video. You can read it before or after or not at all. It’s up to you! The world is at your fingertips!

Speaking of fingertips, time to pop your popcorn and wrap your girlfriend or otherwise-inclined real-or-imaginary companion in a warm blanket, cuddle up and see what Julie and Brandy thought about The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo starring your girlfriend Lisbeth!

There’s one more point I’d like to add that Julie & Brandy made that there wasn’t room for in the video — they felt like in the Swedish film it didn’t seem like Lisbeth was falling in love with Blomkvist so much as appreciating that someone was being normal to her; like the sex stuff was almost a way of saying “thank you.” Their situation seemed weird and fluid and complicated and Lisbeth seemed way more queer. In David Fincher’s version, they felt hit over the head with “the sanctity of man-love” — like Lisbeth was mega in-love with him. It was like David Fincher wanted to be the hero and help an abused women who feels more secure around other women/piercings to really blossom via the gentle, muscly love of Daniel Craig. Also despite liking David Fincher usually, it seemed like Lisbeth got the short end of the stick here despite being the titular character.

Okay, war criminals, tell them how funny they are!

VIDEO: Julie & Brandy in Your Box Office #202: Hangover 2, The Ladies Edition

Julie Goldman and Brandy Howard are very busy international celebrities, but they’re not too busy to go see a movie about four dudes called The Hangover II. The thing is that Julie hates men. So what did they think of the film? Well, you’ll have to wait and see!

A quick refresher:

Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard are a sensational acting/writing duo trying to cause a sensation with their romantic-comedy, Nicest Thing.

But since no one wants to make their movie or cast them in anything, they feel it is their duty to harshly judge everyone else’s work based on a sliding scale of rage, bitterness, lesbianisim, and lack of any real significant training.

Are you ready? I don’t think you’re ready. Do you have your wigs and pita ready in a big bowl? I hope you do. Because this episode is going to really excite you, change your life, inspire you to scale new heights, and maybe lead you to re-evaluate your perspective on baby harp seals.

A quick and important note:  Due to incredibly mind-blowing frustrating technical issues, has taken three weeks of wrestling with Final Cut to get this sucker into a presentable format for your eyeholes. So any bizarre picture problems or possible subliminal messages serve to cover up an image of Julie & Brandy’s scrambled faces. And nobody wants to look at scrambled faces!

If you like it you should comment because Brandy gets really insecure if you don’t. Maybe even comment if you don’t like it, just to tell them that you love them.

[yframe url=’https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vd8-xPBmbc’]